Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Adoption Special

Episode Date: February 6, 2025

After Jake shared his adoption dilemma, we were flooded with messages from listeners sharing their own adoption experiences. In this episode, Soph and Emma take the time to go through your incredible stories. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Select games only. Guarantee void if platform or game outages occur. Guarantee requires played by at least one customer until jackpot is awarded or 11 Club, I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. And welcome to your Thursdays episode. Where we get to squeeze in all the extra bits and bobs from the week. Squeeze your bits. All of your comments, thoughts, questions and fun stories to keep you going through the weekend.

Shall we jump on in? Yes. Jump on prance. That's your new misheard lyric, isn't it? Yeah, that is my misheard lyric. Oh, Carolina. Yeah, apparently it's jump and prance, but I think it's Jump and Prance. Prance, Jump and Prance.

Yes. That's better, I think. I think Jump and Prance is better, yeah. I prefer that. Me too. Just before we dive into the correspondent corner. Sorry, I went in fully dry then, didn't I? I wasn't ready, but I think it works that we took a word each.

Do you think? Yeah. I just can't go over it. You look radiant today. Do I? I'm loving it. I can't deny. Because I finally have my... You can't even see what I can say. I finally have my... I finally have my... I can't ready, but I think it works that we took a word in. Do you think? Yeah. I just can't go over it.

You look radiant today. Do I? I'm loving it. I can't deny. You can't even see what I can say. I finally have my grazed eye, didn't I? We can't talk about it yet though. We'll talk about it on the main episode.

We're gonna talk about it on the main, so if you wanna come back. Yeah, there's a little tease for you there. Tease it. She looks divine. I won't lie. You're glowing. It's my one haircut of the year, so drink it in.

Soak it up, shag me now. Yeah, we just wanted to say that we had so many messages for Jake after the cringy karaoke episode where he asked about the best way to tell his daughter that he's not her biological father. That was a great episode, wasn't it? So grateful for Jake. So in this episode, we're taking the time to go through a bunch of your responses. So Emma, do you want to take it away with number one?

All right, this one is from Zoe. She says, hi ladies, I really related to Jake's situation, not as a parent, but as the child. When I was 12, I found out by accident that my stepdad wasn't my biological father. Oh my God. I overheard a conversation and I was heartbroken. Even though I told myself

that blood doesn't make someone a dad, I was heartbroken. Even though I told myself that blood doesn't make someone a dad, I still long to understand why my real father had never tried to find me. Fast forward 18 years, so she was 30. Yeah. Yeah. I finally reached out only to be met with disappointment. My biological father had no interest

despite my best efforts to find answers. Now at 32, I'm only just getting over the feeling of never being good enough. Therapy has helped, but it still hurts knowing someone could leave their child without remorse. My advice for Jake would be to tell his daughter when he feels she is ready. The hurt I experienced from finding out accidentally has never left me and still haunts me. Love Zoe. Oh my gosh, Zoe, that is heartbreaking. You can hear the pain, can't you? I know you can't hear it, like hear it, but reading it out, you can tell, yeah. You can hear the pain, can't you? I know you can't hear it like hear it, but reading it out, you can really feel that. And how disappointing that she's done all

that effort to try and have a relationship with him or even just understand why he never wanted to be met with rejection. That must be so hard. So hard. God bless her. What a journey she's been through. I know. And finding out by accident the original conversation that she overheard. She wasn't even meant to hear that. I just don't understand in that moment. Like I feel like being the type of topic that it is and gosh I hope Zoe doesn't take anything from this of me being negative. But if I was in that situation and we had adopted a child, That is such a sensitive topic that I just don't think it should ever be discussed when the child is present, let alone like awake and downstairs.

Like maybe when they're asleep or something like that. But that's still such a sensitive topic that you just would never risk having that conversation. Yeah, because her hearing that has had such an impact on her life. Her whole life, her whole life. Cause now she found out when she was 12 but we're over double treble that, no what are we yeah double that now. It's 20 years later for her yeah. Oh god. And she's still coming to terms with it I mean that must be that must be so difficult I think if I remember Jake's little

girl was seven or eight. Yes. So this is four years later if she finds out when she's 12, I feel like, is that a good time to find that out? I mean, telling her has got to be better than her overhearing it by accident. I would have loved to know if, yeah, it's hard to know, isn't it? If this situation was brought up to Zoe, I guess the whole experience would be completely different. And I wonder if she would still long for that,

the answers that way, if she'd been sat down in the situation had been explained to her. Yeah, I wonder how different it would have been. Even if she was still 12, if they'd sat her down and told her intentionally, rather than- If she would have still longed for that,

or because she'd accidentally heard it, did it feel more painful? Like she needed to find answers, yeah. Yeah, like it's, because we don't know, we weren't there, were we, to have heard the Yeah. Yeah. Like it's, cause you don't, we don't know. We weren't there where we to have heard the conversation. And I imagine it's insanely personal, but you just don't know what in that moment was said for

that Zoe had heard. Yeah, I wonder what she heard. I do feel like 12 is still quite young to find that out. Even if you sit with child down. No, I said to her, I don't know what crazy man decided it was a great idea to give me a driving license at 17. Yeah. Because I was not grown.

Exactly. I was mental. And why anyone thought it was safe for me to be behind the wheel of a car at 17? Yeah. Delulu. You think you're so grown up, but you're not, are you? You do.

And 12 is still so incredibly- So young. Like I think about me at 12. Like I probably would have found that information really hard to- Process. Process. Yeah. I think even now, and gosh Zoe, I hope you don't, if you are listening, don't take this

the way that it may sound. But even if now I found out, I don't think it gets any less painful. It's still going to rock your world. And it's almost like then... And I think that's where we're going at with Jake's point is that Jake doesn't want her to ever be in a situation where it's painful for her to hear that. But I think there's a balance between like, you thinking they're too young,

but also letting it go too far. Like if you find out when you're like 20, you might be like, oh my God, why have you never told me? Why have you not told me before now? I've lived my whole life thinking you're my real dad. And then can you, would you be able to carry it on? That's what we were saying, wasn't it, in the episode is, would you be able to carry it on? That's what we were saying, wasn't it, in the episode is, would you be able to carry

it on for forever? You know, I feel like, you know, like in the only way I can explain it is, you know, in a situation like when you're in a relationship with somebody and they cheat on you, right? You have to either let that go and never ever think about it again. If you can't let it go, you have to walk away because otherwise reliving that over and over will just eat you alive. And it's in that situation that me personally, I can't speak on behalf of you or anybody else

in the situation that I'm looking at the outside for Jake and his daughter, because it is his daughter. I feel like it's something that you just need to, and I could be naive because I'm not in that situation, so I don't want to be wrong for saying it, but you have to let that bit go and kind of not talk about that topic if you didn't want to tell her and just live that you are her dad and just, but then again, I could be speaking wrongly because I'm not in that boat.

Yeah, it's hard because I think you need to find out at some point. It's just working out when the right time is. Do you need to find out though? Do you? Well, I don't know. No, this is what I mean. I think we'll realize going through some more of the correspondence here, but maybe some people never say anything and that's just-

I guess my question to Zoe is would she had rather not know? Never known. Yeah. And I think in this moment as how painful that the message sounds is that it go looking back, maybe she would say now, yes, I don't want, I would have not to. Because it's caused her so much turmoil. For so long of her life.

God bless you Zoe, what a sweetheart you are. Thank you so much for writing in Zoe. Yeah, thank you, we appreciate you so much. All right, there's another one here. It says, hello ladies, some advice for Jake from a now 31 year old who was told at 14 that her dad wasn't her biological father. My dad also wanted to adopt me.

I'd say wait until your daughter is a bit older. At 14, I had a lot of questions and it was confusing. But one thing I was never confused about was that my dad was always my dad. I never knew any different and he had been in my life since I was young. So this is really similar situation. My parents sat me down one day, explained everything and reassured me that no matter what,

they'd always answer any questions I had. All your daughter will care about is that you love her and you are her dad and always will be. Love to you all, Anonymous. Oh my God, I can't. These are so insanely emotional, aren't they? Yeah. I can't even cope. How?

And that's what I mean. Had the situation have been so much more different for Zoe. Yeah. emotional, aren't they? I can't even cope. How, and that's what I mean, had the situation have been so much more different for Zoe, that's basically what we're saying. She got sat down and it was explained to. This sounds like a bit more of a positive outcome. Even though she says, I was a bit young and I had a lot of questions,

this is really similar to Jake's situation. All she cared about was the fact that her dad was her dad. That's who she considered him to be. And she had loving supportive parents. And that's similar for Jake, isn't it? It says here, his daughter's almost seven, just remembering back. So yeah, maybe wait a few more years

based on this person's experience. Only because I do think seven is, like we said last time, didn't we? I'm only putting myself in a position that Colby is a year older. So he's eight, but Dottie is coming up to seven. And to tell, and me putting myself in the position

of telling Dottie that this situation, like that's not your real dad, it's hard as well. Like I can't fathom it in my head that, like when you say it's not your real dad, like to me, Jake is her dad. It's her real dad. Like it doesn't, and it just is so bothering, isn't it? That sometimes that we have to find ourselves

in the situation where we do have to potentially explain this. And it's so hard. And I imagine how painful or the situation could be to tell her how Jake will feel. Also taking into consideration his daughter's feelings. But there's just so much around this, isn't there?

Yeah, the be all and end all at the end of the day is that he's her dad and they have an incredible relationship. It's just whether you want to just be like, okay, I'm happy with that, I accept it. You're the person who's raised me. Or whether you're like, no, I really wanna find out who my biological parent is. And then you go down that road to

only potentially met with rejection or disappointed, or they don't want to know you or, and there's heartbreak there as well, isn't there? So it's really hard to know what the right thing is to do. But I think when you're a teenager, a bit like anonymous says, that's a difficult time as well, because you've got so much running through through your body, hormones, you know, all other different things that I think. So she's a little bit little at the moment, at seven, but then you think teenagers also really hard. It's such like a transitional period in your life. Then like you tell them maybe when they're 18 and they're an adult and then maybe you think that's gone too far. They're an adult now. I should have told them when they were younger. I mean, it's hard to know what the right thing to do is, but it's really interesting.

I don't feel like, and now listening to everybody's experiences, like is there really a right time? Yeah. Which is no really. It's always gonna be hard. Yeah, I think so, I think so. Yeah. Oh.

Got another one. Thank you, sorry, sorry. Thank you so much. Yes, thank you Anonymous. Another one says, hi ladies, I just listened to the conversation about Jake wondering when to tell his daughter that he's not her biological father.

As a mom of two adopted children, I found it best to normalize the idea that families can be made in different ways. My kids watched Matilda a lot and we often talked about how families come together in so many ways. I always told them they were special and one day I would explain why.

One day while standing in the school playground, a mom came over and said her child had asked about adoption because my two kids were adopted. My stomach dropped, I panicked. Oh my God. What? Someone just came up and dropped the bombshell in front of the kids and she hadn't told them before.

That is wild. I kept my children off school the next day, took them for a picnic and told them everything. Oh, so she was really forced into the situation, God. My son who was six just said, yeah, okay. But when is my Lego magazine coming? My daughter who was seven asked, is that why we're special? They had a few questions, but not many.

We had a lovely day and it was never an issue again. I believe the more you make something a secret, the bigger deal it becomes. My kids grew up proud of being adopted. They loved knowing they were chosen. I hope this helps anyone worrying about how to handle a similar situation. Love you ladies. Donna. Oh, Donna, my heart is so fucking full. Right. Back up a moment. We, where did this woman, one, did we find out where she sourced her information from? And two, that's very ballsy.

I'd never in my life. That's so rude. That's really, I'd never walk up to anybody and go, oh, just thought I'd ask you about adoption because my child's been talking about it and your children are adopted. What? Where do you get off? That is really rude. Sorry, Donna. That's just made me insanely cross. But well done. You handled it like an absolute queen and how they love the fact that they were chosen. That's such a good way of putting it. It's really good. And they were the same age as Jake's daughter, six and seven. I love that she's always reminded them and told them that one day she, and I love that, I really love that she's explained to them, you're really really special and one day I am going to tell you. So to have that constant, not constant like she was doing it every day, but to have that always, yeah, like she knows that she's installed that into them. She's talked a lot about having a very, very special family and to know that one day they're

always remember that and then get to the point maybe sooner than what she would have maybe liked. But then to be like, we kind of already know, not know that we're adopted, but know that why we're special. I love the responses, perfect. Couldn't be more different. Where's my Lego, Magdalena? Yeah, okay, cool, mum. adopted but know that why we're special. I love the responses perfect. Couldn't be more different. Where's my Lego? Yeah, okay, cool, mum. And then her daughter, is that why we

chose it? And she loves the fact that they were picked. Yeah. Like she chose them. Yeah. I think that's such a lovely way of framing it, isn't it? Yes. Because they only see it as something positive. That's all. Yeah, but it can't be anything other than positive. No, other than what other people's input is. Like this woman that come up to you and said, what's going on? You're adopted. That's really, that's, that's, that's diabolical.

I'd need to know where she got that information from. Yeah, how would she know that? You can't. Even so, like. You can't do that to anybody. That's wild. In front of those kids as well. What's she thinking? I have no idea. That's wild. And turn to those kids as well. What's she thinking?

I have no idea. That's blown my mind. I hope you don't talk to her ever again. I think you handled it brilliantly. I think you handled it. And it sounds like it turned out actually being a really nice moment as well. Yes.

Especially for your daughter. Maybe your son just literally was a bother. Just get his Lego magazine. Quicksharp. That'd be Joseph. He'd be like, cool, where's my farm animals? Yes. Whatever. We'll be back with cool, where's my farm animals? Yes. Whatever.

We'll be back with one more message after this short break. Hey, you're a Canadian podcast listener and that makes you important to us. We'd like to know more about you, what you think of this podcast and the other podcasts you'd like to hear. So we put together a super brief survey we'd like you to fill out. Complete it and we'll give you a chance to win one of three $100 Amazon gift cards. That way we can say thanks for your opinion. Just go to mypodcastsurvey.ca and have your say. That's mypodcastsurvey.ca. That's mypodcastsurvey.ca. Welcome back.

We've got one more lovely message for Jake. So Emma, take it away with our last one. All right. This one says, hello, lovely ladies. This is my first time writing in and I wanted to share my experience as a child in a similar situation to Jake's daughter. My dad has been in my life since I was three. And when I was in year four, what age is that?

That's Colby now. Eight. When I was in year four he sat me down and explained everything to me. He helped me understand that being a dad is about more than just biology. That same year he adopted me and his name is now on my birth certificate. Yay! I appreciate him so much for stepping in and looking after both me and my mum. He also brought my brother with him who's six months older than me and we became a family of four. Now at 20, I can still remember the court process and how lovely it all was. It was definitely daunting for him,

but I'd like to think he has no regrets now. Ellie. Oh, Ellie. So it's a beautiful blended family. So she ended up with a brother six months older than her. How nice, like a little best friend. Not only do you get a dad, you get a brother too. Yeah, and like biologically it wouldn't have been possible for those kids to be born that close together. So how nice to have like a friend and a brother that's so close in age.

And they're in the same year. Depending on their birthdays, they could be in the same school year. Yes. Oh, how beautiful. I love how she remembers it so fondly because I thought she was going to say, I remember the court process and how stressful it was. But she says how lovely it was, which is nice. She's got good memories of it.

Really lovely and really positive memories of it as well. I love that so much. And I think what I've taken from all of this is if Jake does want to tell his daughter, I feel like there's so much positive, again, it's going to be based on the personal experience as to what goes through, but I think it can be delivered in such a lovely way

that I hope that she wouldn't, because her life is so wonderful and Jake is a phenomenal dad, that she won't have that itch that needs scratching. You know, I feel like this- Maybe when she won't even question it, she'll just be like, this is great. We need You know, I feel like this- Maybe when she won't even question it. No. She'll just be like, this is great.

We need to know, Jake, do keep us in contact if you do what you do. Yeah, does that sound what you do? Whether you're gonna hang on, whether this was any use to you. I hope that you've loved hearing other people's experiences and that hopefully gives you a bit of reassurance.

Yes, I really hope it helps as well, yeah, to give you some reassurance. But I think it's gonna be, if he decides to do it or if he doesn't, either way, I think it's gonna be a really positive outcome. Yeah, yeah. Because I think he's done incredible.

Yeah. And he is a dad. Yeah. He's fully a dad. It's been nice hearing from people just saying like, the main thing was that he was my dad and I had a loving supportive family. Because even if that male figure wasn't in their life,

their lives could have been so much more different. So the fact that they have stepped up and they've done what they can for you, there'll be a point where they feel that, you know? Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I feel like they'll get to a point, whether it be from the instincts at seven, 12, 15,

18, whatever age, there will be a time when they sit back and go, do you know what? My life could have been really different. Yeah. And I really appreciate what you did. Yeah. So I think that time will come back around, but thank you all so much. And what incredible people you all are. I know.

You wonderful daddies. Thank you all so much for sharing all of your adoption stories. If you've got anything to add, why not get in touch? You can email us hello at secretmumpod.com or with Secret Mumpod on TikTok and Instagram. Before we go this week, something a little different. It's Children's Mental Health Week and there's a new podcast out that we think you and your little ones might love. It's called EV Asks. In this special series, EV Pickerel, who you know from CBeebies and CBeebies See,

asks the question, how are you? It's a question a lot of us hear or say every day, but in the podcast, EV invites children to really think about the answer to that question. It'll bring a moment of calm to the day. A preview of episode one is coming up. Search EV Asks to find the whole series and we'll be back next week. Good morning. How are you? My name is Evie and today

that's the question I'm asking. How are you? Now I feel really wriggly today and I just can't sit still. Maybe my body is telling me something. Maybe I need to give it a little shake. Would you like to join me? Okay, great. Stand up and find some space around you. Let's start off by shaking one arm. Now the other arm.

Let's shake our leg. Now the other leg. And finally, shake your whole body. That's it! Like a big bowl of chilli! Wibble wobble shake shake! That was fun! And such a great way to start the day and wake up your whole body. Shall we do it again? Shaking one arm, now the other arm. Let's shake our leg. Now the other leg.

And finally, shake your whole body. That's it! Phew! That felt good, didn't it? Now it's time to sit down and have a moment to think about our breathing. Will you join me? Let's breathe in for four and out for four. Ready?

There's a really fun way I like to do this and it's to imagine I have a big mug of hot chocolate in front of me. Mmm. Can you do the same? Now to do our breath in for four, we take a big sniff of that hot chocolate through our nose. Ready? Mmm delicious. But we need to cool it down, so now blow on it with a big breath out for four.

Perfect! Let's do it again. Breathe in for four. One, two, three, four. And cool that hot chocolate down. One, two, three, four. You're so good at this. Shall we do it one more time? Take a big breath in of that yummy hot chocolate down. I feel much better. Sometimes my brain and my body can't sit still which is okay but when that happens I like to move my body and my breath as it seems to reset both my body and my brain. I hope it's helped you too. Repeat after me. I am brilliant. I am kind. I can find something good in every day. Yes, you can. So let's head into the day together to find the good.

Send in positive vibes always. And don't forget, you are never alone. There is always someone to talk to. I'll speak to you soon. Fandual Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do.

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