Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Baby Beer Goggles

Episode Date: December 14, 2023

We're getting 'baubles deep' into your messages, and this week we hear back from Tanille who has an explanation about the term "S**t her out", and we have ANOTHER poo knife story, but this time it has a nautical theme. The Extra Secret of the Week comes from a Mum who wants to know if it's normal to think newborns aren't that cute! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello this is the secret mom club i'm safina and i'm emma welcome to your thursday episode where we get to squeeze in all the extra bits and bobs from the week all of your comments thoughts questions and fun stories to keep you going through the weekend let's get stuck in balls deep i say christmas balls are out you know balls deep we're all bubbles deep although i'm not quite balls deep yet am i what do you mean my tree i don't have a tree yet oh i know it's late it's coming though is it it's coming when i'm getting all my balls out when not all of them because these balls need to stay inside here for another 10 weeks anyho um yeah i don't know when the tree's going up but anywho um i got distracted because we need to fly into the correspondence corner we need to think of a tune for that you went really high sorry hi are you

ready for our first message i am please this one is from tenille who told us that she believed that when you fart multiple times you need a poo and that she shat out her mum do you remember that we weren't sure what shat out meant she shat she shat out her mum yeah she shat out her mum for lying to her her whole life her mum no shat out her mum and i was like i think it means like she called her out for being like mom i don't think that's how it was worded because shat out means that she's fully digested her mom and shut her out and that's what we thought did we that's what we discussed on the podcast a couple of weeks ago well well i hope she didn't chat around we've got clarification okay she said hi ladies thanks for reading my story

and for the compliment on my name shut her out is quite a common phrase here in south africa oh because we were speculating that it was american sorry if that was i didn't mean to um we didn't mean to assume did we oh in south africa so they say mom there as well mom it's basically what you thought i gave her a piece of my mind but in a joking way love the pod wow she didn't actually eat her and shit her out no i don't think so no that's yeah that's what i thought shout her out i'm gonna start using that do you reckon that so that's the past tense i shout out my mom do you reckon present tense is i'm shitting out my mom

just just gonna shit my mom out just shitting her out as we speak oh i love that yeah i'm gonna start. Oh, thank you for letting us know. Yeah, thank you. If that's really kind. Yeah. That means she listened again. Yeah. To know that she was up.

And now we know. And now we know. All right, we've got another message here. It says, hello, lovely ladies. Hello. You two are the most amazing humans. Oh, thank you. Well, you're too kind.

Thank you for your podcast. It has helped me so much with my confidence, getting us where i mentally want to be for kids and knowing that i don't need a phd to have kids you don't definitely not we don't have one of those on to the main message you're now two episodes about poo knives and glow sticks spoke to my soul i've worked on cruise ships since i was 15 which comes with a whole new book of bathroom humor god yeah wow toilets on boats are usually smaller than household toilets but also their systems are more sensitive i've spent too much of my life taking them apart when kids and adults either have massive shits or put things into them

that shouldn't be there like hair or anyway on most of the ships i've worked on we have had a designated poo knife wait for this usually a butter knife oh we were talking about this we were talking about whether it would be silicon or metal yeah like is it a cheese knife is it a butter knife is it a vegetable knife if we bring out a branded poo knife can we use it for like we want to use it in other things well like cheese boards i'm worried take it to the restaurant you're in company bring your own i'm worried about people that were on this i don't want anyone sending me a picture of them using their poo knife no in the but just let us know the purpose that it's designed for whether it's multi-purpose or not not rate my poo.com yeah no pics she said it's got to the point where the engineer on one of our ships wrote a whole

song about the poo knife like a sea shanty. You're in good company. Keep slicing those turds. Thank you so much, Susanna from Boston. Another one for America. Or there is a place called Boston in Lincolnshire. Oh. So either way.

Either way, Susanna. God bless you. God bless you for your story. Wow. Wow. On the boat. Oh, a butter knife. Those poor. God bless you for your story. Wow. On the boat. A butter knife. Those poor cruise ship guests.

And having to clean it. It must be a Sunny Flow, mustn't it? What do you mean? A Sunny Flow toilet. What's that? It's basically like a blender in a toilet. And it's not a real toilet, but basically you poo in it and it goes. Like what you have in a caravan or something.

Yeah. Sunny Flow. I think they're called a Sunny Flow, aren't they? Yeah. Mazza's nodding at me me god bless susanna for part of your job description is taking toilets apart when people have done big shits in your job description when you went for the interview did they say listen we got shit bogs on board so your job description will be what you'll be doing is were you just three weeks deep and they were like oh susanna yeah we've got a blockage in aisle two.

For me, it feels above and beyond. Yeah. The call of duty. Like I, you know, there's things that I would do and that just wouldn't. That's not one of them. No. No. I think I've cleaned the toilet at Tesco's though before.

I would clean a toilet. Because someone had a poo in the petrol station. Did you work there or did you just fancy giving it a spruce up? Yeah. No. Ironically, I did actually work there. You did work did work there yeah i didn't just go in behind him go fucking hell it's a massive shit in here hey guys can we get a mop and bucket in here okay marigolds on no i had to go in and clean the toilet because someone took a massive shit that

was the worst thing about working at the petrol station was you know what as well i think people have got less um respect for their for toilets that aren't at their home and you know what as well what was more annoying is the toilet was right opposite one the office and two you had to go past the toilet door to get into the back area where all the cages were so someone had had a rotten shit you just inhale it every time you walk past to get your cage out do you say it was a tesco petrol station as well not even in the supermarket no it's petrol station that's worse yeah confined into a small place small space and also it's where people just stop for a poo isn't it because yeah most people don't really get fuel or they've been on the road for a long time so they fuel up yeah fuel out

lot of truck drivers that haven't pooed for a long time and they've been saving it up until they get to tesco petrol station oh what you got brewing a big massive taro gross and they just let it out but they block the toilet all the time yeah i bet they do yeah disgusting anywho i need a poo we're off for an ad thank you so much for your messages so if you've shat someone out like to neil or if you have any comments thoughts or funny stories we want you to get in touch yeah you can email us hello at secret mom pod.com or we're secret mom pod on tiktok and instagram next it's time joseph

yo yo yo more cow more moo moo that's a cow for christmas isn't it he does'm working on it. I'd go alpaca. I'm working on it. Alpaca your bags. Anywho. Anywho. Welcome back. We love hearing your secrets. And because we just can't get enough, we have an extra secret of the week. What have you got for us, Emma?

All right. This comes from Cass. She says, hi, both. Here's my secret. I am the mum of a two-month-old. Oh, congratulations. I love her with all my heart. And she's everything I've ever wanted. Being her mum is the best thing in the world.

But I really don't think she's cute. Oh, if anything, I think she's a little funny looking. When people say sweet things about the way she looks, I genuinely think they're lying, to be polite. I feel terrible. I'm her mum. I'm supposed to think she's gorgeous, right? I haven't told a soul that I think this until now

do you know what newborns newborns are fucking ugly not cute they're not really cute they haven't grown into their face

I don't actually I don't actually know what to make of this it's okay though to think that yeah it's totally normal I know people

that have admitted that about their own children Cormie was fuglyly looking dotsy have i never told you about dots no i birthed that baby she was so fugly that i literally thought one she was a boy two i was in denial she was even mine i said to her that is not my baby and then they were like yeah and i was like i said to my mom don't you dare take any fucking pictures of her wait for and then they were like yeah and i was like i said to my mum don't you dare take any fucking pictures of her wait for and then her first announcement onto my social media before i ever done social media she was on her side because she was that fugly wow i have no pictures of her when she exited my vagina no when they first come out they're not they look yeah they

don't as fuck i would say about six months they really grow into their face i think peak cuteness is like six to ten months yeah like the eight months chunky phase was my favorite like when they're not walking or probably crawling yet so they're getting really really really fat they're just drinking loads of milk and they have the rolls in their arms and their legs you love a little um chunky baby chunky baby what are they called, the ones, the little man? Michelin man. Michelin man, yeah. Joseph was so chubby as well. We went on holiday

when he was eight months and they're some of my favourite pictures in the world. I love it when you move the roll and it's got a little tan. The tan line and he had little speedos on and his chunky monkey size out.

It was just the cutest. So it might take her a little while to grow into her looks. But don't worry, you're perfectly normal. Yeah, don't worry. I do think a lot of people think that. I didn't know what to take of that in the first instance no i wasn't

expecting it to be honest you know what i think people in general are fibbing when they say your baby's cute because most people don't think your baby's cute probably especially if they're newborn i thought joseph was cute when he was born because cause hormones but now when i look back at newborn photos i think well he wasn't it wasn't his best no it wasn't his finest period wasn't his finest hour yeah i do the same with um i'm not gonna lie colby was stunning was he oh god from from birth from the get-go he just never ever never ever didn't just look the most immaculately beautiful little human and then i had dotty i just i just felt bad for every day i just kept saying to chris like what have we done it's because you had to colby to compare her to as well yeah maybe if she'd been your first you'd

be like oh yeah she's really cute yeah and then you look back at pictures and then when i the stage i thought she was cute i look at pictures and I'm like I know that's what's crazy because at the time you're sending pictures to all your family going oh the first smile is it wind or a smile and everyone has to go yes so cute and then now you're like what the fuck is that face it's so true though it's so true and we look back and I even look back at pictures and even my sister does it as well you look back at the pictures and there was pictures i took of my nieces and nephews yeah oh my god they're so cute yeah and then i look back now i'm like their hairlines receding their eyes are wow it's mad what like hormones and family bias will do to you yeah like makes you honestly deluded it does it makes you deluded any baby that's born into your

family you're like oh gorgeous if that was in if that was someone else's baby you'd be like fucking those crazy eyes bit weird looking but yeah i do think it takes them a while to go into their looks so don't worry you're great you're doing great kath honestly and if anybody says about i don't know if anybody says but then generally, if I didn't think a baby was cute, wouldn't say. No, you can't. No, I wouldn't say,

oh God, your baby's ugly. I would say, oh, interesting. Lovely outfit. God, if you meet me now,

and I was, oh no. Yeah. When I bring the baby in here. Oh, I love what you've done with the outfit. Lovely baby girl. Yeah.

Ice pram and blanket too love the coordinating yeah blanket and outfit where'd you get the shoes from yeah what about the face i'll be able to see right through you got only a face a mother could love yeah that's what they say no but no one to go, oh, baby's a bit ugly. No. So yes, people probably are lying. I am so sorry today. For like I'm the worst person. One, I've got the giggles today.

And two, I'm just, I don't know how to take any of this. I know. It's an emotional time in life. We're giddy with Christmas feelings. It's just a whole lot of everything. It's a whole lot of everything at the moment going on. But don't worry,

two months is still really little. She'll grow into it. She'll grow into it. And especially as well, I always find, like you say, when they don't, they're not gaining weight

very quickly, they go a little bit gaunt. They look a bit scrawny, don't they? Like a little baby bird. Yeah. Yeah. But you're perfectly normal

to think like this. Yeah. She'll be gorgeous in six months time. She'll grow into it. Yeah. yeah oh god i feel so fucking evil i'm so sorry it's so normal i don't know why i'm laughing so much it's because i think we all have been there yeah i'm justifying myself now so sorry all the parents i would like to say that I completely relate to this. Yeah.

One great looking one and one ugly. See what this one turns out like. Third time lucky. Third time's a charm. But let us know what you think. Is your child ugly? If your child's ugly, let us know. Send pics. Send pics.

Send pics. No. No, don't. Please don't. Please. I don't want to be arrested. You can email us hello at secretmumpod.com or with secretmumpod on TikTok and Instagram.

And we'll be back Monday first thing. And we'll have more of your messages on our next Thursday episode. And we'll see you next time on the Secret Mum Club.