Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Baby Oil Text

Episode Date: October 30, 2023

It’s been a weirdly similar week for the ladies. They both had a scan… and both had a gender reveal mishap! But they’re not the only ones with strange things going on as we hear from one mum whose lube was used unconventionally and a listener who unwillingly learned too much about their parents. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello this is the secret mum club i'm safina and i'm emma and this podcast is a safe space for mums everywhere a safe space to share our secrets because we all have secrets don't we we do and as we know sharing is caring you don't even have to tell us who you are you can keep that to yourself you can be anonymous and those secrets can be serious or silly. All secrets are welcome in the Secret Mum Club. Please tell me about your week. Do you want to know? Do you want to know who really loves me? Yeah, I really want to know.

We had our first sickness. Not you, because you've been sick forever. That's old news. Dot C. We had our first bout of sickness. And I think the problem was, was what it was, is that she had a temperature. So because she had a temperature, that's what was making her sick. She wasn't actually sick, sick, like with a bug sick, just because she couldn't regulate her temperature.

She wasn't vomiting. Yeah, she vomited. Oh, she was. But I think it was the temperature. Her temperature was so high. high that's what made it vomit that's what made her vomit is when they go to school is it like when they go to nursery and they get like it's just the germs yes and they just can't like i feel like you go to a new school and then they are mixing with new children to be fair we lasted what six weeks seven weeks so we've lasted seven weeks into school with not having anything and to be honest i lasted what six weeks seven weeks so we've lasted seven weeks into school with not having anything and to be honest i thought it was going to be cold because colby's

way more of a sensitive gut than dot but no it was it was dark but i think it's just this she had this this awful temperature she just couldn't cool down and also it's the first time she's been at school isn't it whereas colby's been there for a bit so maybe he's got but he's at a new school so new germs yeah that's what i was thinking but yeah so we had we were on the ibuprofen ibuprofen i was impressed it's my train doubler yeah yeah what is every two hours yeah so it's two on two isn't it so the paracetamol goes every four hours yeah and in between you can do the ibuprofen yeah so it's rough though when they're like that but i had to i did think that was off of advice of 111 but please only ever get advice to give medicine when you've spoken to a medical profession but she had a temperature of over 40

so they were kind of like we need to get her in so she'd had a paracetamol and they were we were regulating it for like 20 minutes god and then it was coming down i think anything over 38 is like they hospital put them in the hospital yeah go to the to the hospital. So I phoned 111. And I think it was just because she was panicking. You know, when you're trying to do the thermometer, you've got to do it under their arm. Which one? You do the armpit one? Yeah, I've got the tongue and I've got the armpit. But I think because I was making her,

I was stressing her out because I was shaking and trying to stay calm and panicking. So hard to do that on a, at least she can probably understand the instruction a bit more. So hard to do that on a baby. So hard. We rarely, for that reason, we rarely even take joseph's temperature yeah because it's just too hard it's so hard he won't sit still it's never an accurate reading anyway you can't actually

put it up the bum do you know that yes i did know that but i think that's gonna be even harder even harder than an armpit yeah i mean i wouldn't like a thermometer up my bum i wouldn't either don't think you'd even be able to get in my bum hole with all the hemorrhoids jesus christ you know sharing the entrance parents caring where's it where's your bum hole i got no idea ain't seen it for eight years don't worry i had to go welsh today but no and welsh was it welsh stefan i'll have something to say about that sorry what was that then i'd say it was just like west country was it sorry about that stefan any welsh had any other way anybody i didn't mean to offend anybody there with my awful accents um but yeah we also had football though which has been really really exciting and i shared it and i

was just beyond beyond proud of colby like i just can't believe it like from the child that he was in year two and i spoke about this a little bit on my instagram like from the child that he was in year two and i spoke about this a little bit on my instagram but from the child that he was in year two the child that would never go to an after-school club wouldn't play with other children unless they were his friends like he'd happily not play with anybody if it wasn't with his friends that he knew like he'd never go out and just go do you know what i'm just gonna go and play with a that boy over there i don't know him but i just play with him because he's playing football and he used to cry going in of school and coming out and then over the weekend he'd get upset like he was the most unconfident shy I would say

paranoid he was he used to get himself real stressed about certain situations to now go from this little boy who's just smashing life. He runs into school every day with the biggest smile on his face. He meets a new friend every single day. He's just so confident. He comes out with these little stickers. He gets like respect stickers and honesty stickers. He got asked the other week,

which he got an honesty sticker for, give you a hundred pounds if you say the swearing S word. I said, what did you do? Take the money and say it then. And he went, no, mum, I went and told the teacher well done well done dad said i would have done the same take the money and then say it yeah but no he's just he's just the most confident little boy he's been going to the training that's good and he just runs out on the training doesn't know the children because he's found something he loves doing he's just so content in his life and i'm just so he's absolutely thriving like you know once you find something

you're good at as well as a child it's so nice isn't it to like find your little niche because then you love that children love doing things they're good at i love doing things i'm good at i don't like doing things i'm bad so once he's found that that's like he's gonna love doing it he's just thriving so we had our first game and he played how was he he got man of the match and he got a hat trick in his debut honestly yeah i cried obviously obviously i felt that i rolled in through my soul it's not news it's not news if you cry all right i laughed the whole time okay but no um yeah it was a really good game. Good.

And I was the mum on the sidelines screaming him on. Yeah, you're probably a soccer mum now. Yeah, I am a soccer mum. I am that bitch.

Yes. Been that bitch, still that bitch. Is Chris, does Chris go as well? Yeah, he just doesn't say anything. No.

He gets rather embarrassed. About you? Yeah, he tries to move down the pitch. I said he wouldn't have got the hat. Lucky he doesn't know you. Wouldn't have got the hat if I wasn't there

screaming him on, you know? But no, it was nice and I wasn't there screaming him on, you know? But no, it was nice. And I'm very excited to, yeah, just to see where his little journey goes. Yeah. God, imagine he becomes like, we've been watching the Beckham documentary. We've been watching Beckham! It's making me so, it's firing me up.

Imagine he becomes a famous footballer. What the fuck? That would be nuts, wouldn't it? Nuts. Nuts-o. Absolutely incredible. David Beckham went to Manchester when he was like... 13. 13 or something, though. That's wild, isn't it? Nuts. Nuts. Absolutely incredible. David Beckham went to Manchester when he was like... 13.

13 or something. That's wild, isn't it? So young. I was saying to Stefan, who do they live with? They said they have like host families. Yeah, I didn't know if I'd do that. That's a little bit weird. Yeah.

And I was a little bit sad about that documentary though. Did you cry? I haven't finished it yet. Have you? Yeah, we finished it. It's really good. We're up to episode three. Oh, okay.

But yeah, some of it is really sad. of it is really really sad yeah and i just you know you just don't know what goes on behind closed doors you see you see some people's lives don't you and you just you just don't know and his journey has been really sad but i have loved it i thought it was a really nice so imagine like yeah colbs ends up at like real madrid he wants he loves real madrid or he loves man city all right yeah aim high aim high i say yeah yeah i'm right there backing you up so yeah it's been what with the sickness has also been a tremendous week so she's back at school now she is back yeah and we are now going we're going to go into now the last week yes and then we got half time so i think they need the break they're shattered yeah it gives them a week off of swimming and then gives them a week off of school yeah i don't know if

football was i imagine they keep going to football that doesn't really change because it's not a um it's not a term time thing it's no but a lot of things are still term related like even when you've got a baby yeah a lot of classes and stuff and nurseries they don't run during um half term they still need a break don't they like swimming's term time because i guess they need a break yeah but yeah how was um that was our week so how was yours we had a really nice week actually i had a scan it's still weird to me that i can talk openly about that like every time i say something i'm like oh no i've tripped myself up again and i'm like oh no okay i can yes i can relax it's out there now it's that split second isn't it when you just freeze and go yeah am i yeah i could breathe

out i didn't breathe in in a photo area i thought oh no and then i was like oh no actually it's fine what am i talking about i can let it all hang out now hang out girl stop making any effort uh yeah we had a scan and it was really nice because it was a so I paid for an extra private yes scan because I just I love the reassurance of just seeing the baby's still in there hasn't gone anywhere I'm like hearing the heartbeat because I'm in that bit now with my NHS scans between my 12 and my 20 week which just felt to me like such a long gap but even from your 20 now to give a birth oh yes 20 weeks you don't you don't get nothing no i know although actually i am going to be offered a couple of extra growth scans in

that period that's nice which is really nice i'm like the more scans the better throw them at me but yeah we went for a private one and so we could take joseph which was which i thought would be a really nice experience he hated it colby screamed at the heartbeat like this the heartbeat was the only bit he was quiet during because it was like really loud and he was a bit like what's that but for the whole rest of it i was like look we're gonna go and see the baby there's the baby on the screen now obviously he doesn't understand anything but he was just absolutely furious the whole time he had to sit with stefan he didn't like that he didn't like the fact that he couldn't sit with me and i was laying on the bed I think he didn't like the fact that something

was being done to his mummy and that he didn't know what it was and it was like out of his control why are you touching my mum's tummy yeah so he was like clambering to try and get onto me and I was like saying to the sonographer sorry I know you need to get like access to my belly but he's trying to jump oh so access my belly trying to crawl back in there yeah he's very obsessed with me at the moment so yeah so it was a little bit i don't know obviously he doesn't get it so i think we put so much expectation on ourselves so like we like i said then about the scam i would say that was when colby was i was pregnant with dotty yeah colby used to get scared at the scans we obviously haven't taken we've taken dotty to a scam but

not colby but even dots was like anywho yeah but i think we put so much expectation on it to be a perfect moment yeah when in reality that's fucking weird i thought oh this is going to be so nice yeah i thought what am i thinking he's a toddler he did in a dark room in a dark room we're in this like medical setting where something weird's happening to his someone's probing your mom's belly yeah obviously he was like what the fuck so i put a bit of hey dougie on and he stayed quiet for a minute but um it was nice to see the baby again and i think they clearly knew that so i had to say we don't find out the gender of course because that's what you do at the private but booked it i had to book it as a gender scan because that the number of weeks i am that was

just the category so it was like booked as like a gender no gender scan so when i went there she said and how do you want to find out the gender today um in the room or in an envelope i said not at all thank you very much but i had specified but they didn't get the memo do you not have a reassurance scan in london where they just do a scan where you just have reassurance from six so they just call it at this clinic they just call it a gender scan that's annoying so i had to say no gender but when i was in there they were like we're not going to show you anything below the waist because we can clearly see the gender today and i was like when we got home i said to stefan like i think that that means it's a that means it's a boy right that's where my mind was going because they're like something they can see but stefan was like

you're reading into the wording too much they just said it's clear to us what it is that could mean there's no willy visible oh okay I don't know I just went in straight with the willy I did as well because you think like if they're saying there's something they can see it's really visible yeah the willies where they what they said was it's really clear what the gender is so we're not going to show you okay okay so that's a bit more that's okay listening but i can take stefan's word that yes maybe it could mean that there is no willy there i don't know anyway led to a lot of speculating and then we went either way you're still 50 50 yes yeah still 50 50 yeah so i still don't know but i'm i'm leaning one way anyway uh and the willy way i'm leaning that way i think stefan's leaning the other way oh that's nice though yeah yeah we're 50 50 yes

and then because joseph was so um traumatized by that we took him to a little city farm to see the animals and that cheered him right up we we loved the picture of the cow. I put a picture of him on Instagram with the cow. I cannot tell you how many E-I-E-I-O's were in my DMs. More cow. Yeah, more cow in my DMs after that. God love him. He looked like a cutie. He had a lovely time. And it was nice and sunny.

A little bit nippy, but sunny. Lovely sunny day. Yeah. But he just obsessed with cows. I don't know what it is. He wasn't interested in the sheep or the goats. Just more cow. And he got a lot of cow. Maybe he just obsessed with cows. I don't know what it is. He wasn't interested in the sheep or the goats, just more cow. And he got a lot of cow.

Maybe he just likes the udders. He had a nice day all in all. He did have a nice day. God bless him. God help us when the baby actually comes home. It's an experience in itself. It'll be perfect. I promise you.

It'll be perfect for you. Yes. Any tips? Let us know. I thought you said any tips. Any t yes any tips let us know I thought you said any tips any tits let us know

I could do with a tit everyone needs a bosom for a pillow anywho Emma and I would really love to hear from you yeah we want you

to join us in the secret mum club you're all welcome you can share your secrets with us respond to what we've been talking about or just say

hello you can find us on tiktok and instagram just search secret mum pod or you can email us it's hello at secret mum pod.com it's correspondence corner we need to work on the tune of that the The dialect. The first message is from Liv this week. She says, Hi, gorgeous girlies. I was listening to your episode with the tooth fairy situation and knew I had to tell you my solution. Although I'm not a mama yet,

I am a nanny for two scrummy little boys. About two months ago, the eldest came to me with something curled up in his hand and proceeded to show me his tooth that the tooth fairy had already taken. My brain into super mode trying to desperately figure out how to get myself the fuck out of this situation i love how he should the fuck out of this situation i told him that when the tooth fairy takes the tooth they take them and make notes on the tooth and which child they came from oh and then they return them to the mummies and daddies so that they can keep them for memories he looked up at me and said oh that makes sense mummy must

have got it back from the fairy and put it in the drawer crisis averted childhood trauma healed and their mum owed me a very large glass of wine oh that's such quick thinking on your feet i'm so impressed there's a reason you're a nanny you You were born to do that job, my girl. Oh, God, Liv. That made you cry a bit, didn't it? No. Again. I smiled aggressively.

Oh, that's wonderful. That's a really lovely idea. I love that. Yeah, that's so cute. You should tell that to Colby when he found his tooth in the drawer. It's not his. it's the dog's. Yeah. It's still the dog's.

Yes. They keep just playing with it now and going to Mabel, oh, do you want your tooth back? Can't have it. Oh, I'm going to remember that one for future. Oh, that was really lovely. Thank you for sharing that, Liv. That is incredible.

There you go. Take note. Yeah. If this arises in your, anything like me. In your life. Yeah. Keep it for the memories. Keep it for the memories keep it for the memories

oh i've got another email here it says hello safina and emma i'm enjoying listening to your stories every week with two young daughters in the house i'm very much cheerleading their periods to come so when it arrives it's not so daunting a few months back we were sleeping over at our friend's house in wales it was a dark room and my 11 year old daughter came in holding her knickers and said mom i think something's happened i looked at the knickers and said, oh, well done. You can choose a treat later. I'll get you a pad. I went to the bathroom to get her a pad and looked at the knickers I was holding and it was definitely not period pants, but poo. I congratulated my daughter on her shitty knickers.

Anonymous. Oh my God. Congratulations on shitting your knickers. Oh, well done. You can choose a treat later for shitting yourself. Oh, when you're staying at a friend's house as well, it's not a worse time for it to happen oh oh poor girl i was really young when i started my period yeah were you nine nine i don't i

remember telling my mum that i um like i remember it starting one point on holiday but then that was like my early early stages of it on holiday and then i went back no that no it's the other way around so at home it was the first bit but i had been needing the need in the crutch at school what do you mean so like we were play fighting and as i was playing with these girls and scrabbling around i got a knee to the foo foo oh so we just assumed that it was that yeah obviously i'd had lots of tummy cramps and I wasn't feeling great. But then it kind of was nothing really. And then when I was 11 on holiday in Ibiza with my mum and dad was then when it started properly. Wow.

And then my sister just used to make funny jokes like don't go in the water otherwise you'll have your own lilo. Oh. My Tampax. Yeah because I couldn't get my Tampax in properly. You were in a pad. Oh. My Tampax. Yeah, because I couldn't get my Tampax in properly. And I was worried that my Tampax was going to come out like a life shoot and be like a rubber dinghy to help me not drown from my period. Did it run in your family to have early periods? Yes, really early.

Your sister as well. Well, my sister was maybe later than me, but my mum's was early. I remember my older sister like crying for her period to come because I think she felt weird that like everyone else had it and she didn't I think my eldest niece hers was 10 11 that's that's quite young I think I remember girls in primary school who had started their period I was like 15 I think were you 14 or 15 and then I think my sister didn't have hers until she was like 16 so I think she just wanted to be like everyone else but I didn't want mine to come seemed like a nightmare it just seemed like everyone was in pain all the time my poor niece now bless her

heart she's 40 she struggles so bad with it and i bloody hate it i remember my i feel like she's been really heavy at the beginning and you're kind of just like how do i deal with this how do you and emotionally like how do you deal with it it's too much isn't it it's a shit thing that girls have to go through that just boys the same age obviously will never know about no they don't get it but i do educate my son on periods we talk about it a lot yeah i think that's the best thing you can do i always thought it's weird when like educate you heard about people like celebrating starting their period like getting their daughter like a cake or something like congratulations but actually it's quite nice i really love it it makes it like not. You know? And a normal thing for everybody in the house to know.

Because I, and I think my mum kept it such a secret that I didn't tell my dad and felt like my dad didn't know. Yeah, there's definitely like a boy-girl divide.

Like Stefan had sisters growing up, but they never really spoke about things like that in front of him. No. But I think he should. Oh, we talk about it all the time

because I hope that one day Dots is comfortable to say in front of, like everybody like, oh dad, I'm on my period, can you pop to the shop and get me some pads? Yeah. Because I hope that one day Dots is comfortable to say in front of. Yeah. Like everybody like, oh dad, I'm on my period. Can you pop to the shop and get me some pads?

Yeah. Because I wouldn't want her to feel embarrassed that she can't ask her brother or her dad. And men should. To help her. Like shouldn't be protected from it. Chris goes to the shop and gets mine. Yeah.

I talk about mine quite freely. Yeah. But I don't know whether that helps after you've had children though. We're quite honest. When you're a bit older as well, it's not as embarrassing. But when you're younger.

Maybe just too honest, I think we are. I mean, I'm i think we are i mean you're very open i'm farting like a trumpet in the night exactly actually raising the roof the roof but yeah congratulations on your shitty knickers yeah congratulations on your shitty knickers hope she got a nice treat for that coming on cake she probably thought all right i'm getting rewarded for being myself i shit myself more often yeah this is what i'm greeting with i'm shitting my pants every day fucking hell i need a treat i'm shitting myself all the time i'd shit my pants for a chocolate if you could just let chris know that would be great because i'm pretty much shitting myself every single evening at the moment i could do with a treat as well yeah pass on the message

all right the final one here says hi both i mostly listen to your podcast on my way to and from work sometimes with my 12 year old daughter oh god oh god she's your biggest fan i'm so sorry yeah sorry it's a moment for me before and after being the non-mum version of myself to remind me that as mums we're pretty blooming awesome you make me relive some precious times i've had with my babies as they are now 16 and 12 they are my peaches oh but also for reminding me that this ride is tough at times but so worth it i hear the sheer joy your children bring you and i'm you're gonna cry i'm trying not to look at you and i'm so lucky to say that my children have truly been my main source of joy for 16 years.

Please keep up that amazing work at making us remember the small things that are really so big. And for making me belly laugh like a fool while traveling up and down the motorway. Much love and eternal gratitude for you holding a key to my favorite memories. Oh, and how can I forget? Massive congratulations to you both on your pregnancies. In a world that needs more love and kindness what beautiful blessings and joy that you share

with us love Claire hashtag mummy peach they must have all each other peaches in their family oh you're gonna I'm crying

because I'm looking at your watery eyes I'm okay you're getting me something in my arms I'm fine I'm fine I mean I'm fine at your watery eyes. I'm okay. You're getting me. Something in my arms. I'm fine. I'm fine.

I mean, I'm fine. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm absolutely fine. Look, I'm emotional now that I'm with child. Oh, that's lovely. That's such a lovely message. Thank you. Thank you so much. I'm sorry to your 12-year-old on things that she might have heard.

Yeah, I'm so sorry. Sorry for my foul mouth. Yeah, sorry about that. Crumbs, I'm so incredibly sorry. But that is a really beautiful message. And thank you for being so kind to, that's a lot to go out of your way, isn't it? To message that in as well. Yeah.

And let us know. That's lovely. That is really lovely. Too much. I don't want to talk about it too much because Emma can't handle me crying. I'm fine. I don't know why my voice is like that because really i'm fine so you can get in touch with us on anything at all yeah it can be serious

or silly and you can be totally anonymous because between us we've probably heard it all before and remember we're all in this together and we know that we are we We're all stars and we see that. What the fuck was that? You were proper in the zone. Hey, we see that. Each week, we'll be sharing our secrets and yours in the Secret Mum Club. So here's my secret of the week. It's going to become a thing.

I'm trying to make it a thing. It's like fetch. I'm trying to make it happen. It's not going to happen. It's not going to happen. My secret of the week. Go on. You're not ready.

Go on. You're really not ready. I'm not ready. I don't think you are. I'm ready. I'm so ready. No one's ready. I know the gender of my no

shut up i know the gender i know the gender of my baby stop it i thought you weren't gonna find out well i wasn't gonna find out and then it just happened to you was it accidental it was it well it wasn't we went for a private scan like you oh my god this is like we've had we've had um parallel experiences this is so weird we're not allowed to talk to each other we're living parallel parallel oh my god is this what's that film when the truman show the truman show we're in a globe no wait so i didn't actually find mine out but it was a close call so i basically went for a private scan because we were like oh dotty's feeling better so this was just as she'd got better yeah we'd had 40 hours of no sickness no diarrhea obviously we've been in the house for four days and i was like you know

what's enough is enough i need to get out i'm gonna go barmy in this house and we thought you know what we take dotty and then we'll find a time that we can take colby so they both get their own individual experience have they been to one yet doing it this was the first this was the first one dotty's been to and then i thought we'll do one with colby so he gets his own time to do that so we went and we went like yours but ours was a reassurance scan but he said on there would you like to know the gender so i just put tick and then i just put if we can see it you know if it's if it's there and you're scooting so you basically said yes yeah which i feel like is new information because you hadn't decided i thought you hadn't

decided whether you were gonna i feel like we all know me as a person that i was never gonna wait you were never gonna go the whole no i was never gonna be able to wait that long i can't believe you didn't consult me about this well i'm not i'm not good i'm not revealing the gender sorry let me just can i just read my podcast sidekick yeah while i'm not i'm not good i'm not revealing the gender no sorry let me just can i just read my podcast sidekick yeah well i'm in the scan emma look is this all right but i'm gonna say i don't mind if i find out the gender all right yeah she was i wasn't informed she was very lovely she'd done lots of thorough checks measuring the baby and we saw the baby baby is doing absolutely beautifully growing as baby should and we know the gender of our baby

so dotty knows as well me chris dotty and colby because you had said that maybe if you and chris found out we wouldn't tell the baby obviously she was there yes she was there so she does yeah yeah she found yeah she found out and then so did you go home and we all had to tell together told him yes what so you're not gonna tell us i don't think i'm gonna tell you yet yet okay what are you thinking about gender reveal then i don't know i haven't i haven't thought you're gonna do one of those mental ones like do you remember the couple i really like the i really like the the painting pistols when you squirt the paint on oh yeah yeah i really love that one also i really do like that i've seen the halloweeny ones where they do the cauldron and they put the mixes into the cauldron and it comes

out pink or blue some of them are absolutely wild like do you remember the couple in dubai that like hired the like burj khalifa whatever stop a big building what and it changed and they lit it up blue the whole thing like imagine how expensive that is that might be a bit too much maybe i just like having my tree in the garden yeah a bit more low-key i i lit up the high the australian what is it sydney harbour bridge no what's like the sydney opera house no like the the highlight no sydney opera house i need to check the name of the building in them oh she's just going to do some research so yeah that's that's where we're at we know that wow that is so exciting to my sister because i actually haven't done my sister that i know because

she will kill me oh are you gonna are you gonna tell me she will find me and she will she'll get out of you she won't get it out with me she'll just be furious that you know did she want she wanted you to have a surprise yes she wanted me to have a surprise did she with hers all four she with hers we found out with her first second third and fourth so yes did we find out with all of i think i'm pretty sure we found out you know i find a lot of people do they they don't find out with their first but then they do with their second yes i never understood the logic of that do you want to you don't want to find out until baby's here do you no we want a surprise that's why in the scan we were like whoa whoa whoa we don't want what are you um what are we naming bump your side just nothing really you don't you know i don't call it anything bobble bean no just baby baby yeah yeah we keep saying

joseph there's a baby in there it's like see whether he'll say baby baby oh nice but every time i go to show him my tummy he just shows me his tummy as well that is adorable is that i've got one too i'm like yeah but that's not what i'm trying to say i got a picture of me in my pants with my belly because it was obviously really hot when i was pregnant oh yeah and i'm holding my belly and it's out with my pants on and colby's in his nappy with his little belly out as well we've got the picture oh that's cute i'll try and get one yeah please do oh my god but i can't believe yeah i can't believe you know i know how do you feel that's a that's i feel like that's another shocker isn't

it i feel like that's another big that almost deserves its own do you know what it it is the gender is really irrelevant for me yeah i know but it still is like I feel it's I feel blessed I feel so incredibly blessed it is just exciting like it doesn't really make any difference but I just love like I love the speculation I love people guessing and then the fact that you actually know now is that you can really picture it in your mind like what's going to be like it's wild so there we go that is my secret of the week stay tuned see if i slip up i've got a great editing team here so it won't be on me it'll be on them i'm like passing the baton i can't believe you've got another secret to keep now it's been hard enough lying about the babies

sorry but you don't actually know what it is no that's why i haven't actually you're gonna have to try not to slip up i haven't actually told you what it is. No, that's true. But you're going to have to try not to slip up. I haven't actually told you what it is. Well, I have to keep face for social media, so it's easy to keep face with you because it's just Bob. But that's my secret. So next, we're going to be hearing some of yours on the... Secret Mum Club, the safe space for you to share your secrets.

We've got three secrets from you we're going to be discussing this week. So Emma, hit us off with number one. Hello, Soph and Emma. Hello. First, a huge congratulations to both of you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Last year, me and my boyfriend bought a house of our own

and we got custody of his six-year-old daughter. This story was from Christmas Day and we were obviously very organised as me and my boyfriend had some Christmas Eve itchy legs. Who has time for that on Christmas Eve? What I hadn't realised was we'd left the lube out on the dressing table. My stepdaughter had obviously spotted it as will become clear later.

So we went to my granddad's for Christmas dinner. My cousin had a baby a few months before Christmas and my stepdaughter got a toy pushchair, doll and changing bag. I see where this is going as part of her Christmas present. So she was copying what my cousin was doing, changing the nappy, etc. My cousin got her hand sanitizer out of her changing bag and we wondered, what was my stepdaughter getting out of her doll's changing bag? To my horror, she got the bottle of lube that was on my dressing table out. We didn't even know she took it. She said, oh, this is like yours to my cousin.

And I just wanted the ground to swallow me up my whole family was there including my 80 year old granddad and 101 year old great gran imagine the look on their faces oh my god well at least hopefully they were old enough to not know what lube looks like 101 i think they've seen a lot of lube in their time i bet they weren't using it back then back in the day and the packaging certainly changed just moist as hell down there or just dry old oh god did she actually i want to know if she actually scraped it out onto her hand and put it on the baby doll why is is it so sticky? Yeah. So slippery. So slippery and so thick.

Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. I am actually, I'm actually lost for words. Fuck, lubing up her dolly. Of all places to have the lube, and it was just at the family Christmas gathering. I want to know. Just thank God she didn't believe on the real baby. Oh, crumbs.

Wow. That one's a... You're lost for words, aren't you? Yeah. It's the fact that it's in front of the granddad as well. No, it wasn't the granddad. No, the 100... And the great-grand.

The 101-year-old great-grand. I'd be more embarrassed about other people my age who might know more what it is. Because I feel like Stefan's got a 100-year-old grandmother. I thought you were going to say Stefan has got a dildo. He's got loads of lube. Stefan's got a stash of lube. And we have to be very careful. No, he's got a 100-year-old grandmother and she wouldn't have a clue what it was.

I've never used lube. What? This is a whole other topic to what it was i've never used lube what this is a whole other topic to get into i've never used lube why not what what am i lubing up my bumhole let me talk to you you went straight there what am i new let me talk to you about the birds and the bees i don't understand what we're lubing do you use lube i've definitely have used it before yeah did you use it to conceive this baby i can't remember well you just actively have lube in your bedside table no yeah i've never bought a bottle of lube in my life you'll miss it out why obviously clearly we're well lubricated we don't just go dry maybe you

don't need it there any friction but if you've not missed it up until this point and you're three kids deep then maybe you're all right you're all questioning my sex life then maybe you're right without it save yourself some money i don't know i feel like i'm missing out feel like i bring a name a bottle of lube tonight anywho lucky day let's roll into number two oh this is from anonymous it says thank you so much for an amazing relatable and reassuring space i live by your podcast now oh thank you here's my secret buckle up oh buckle up it's a long one oh crumbs my little girl used to do something very cute when she was in preschool she would always wear wellies and she would come out with little toys and trinkets hidden in them so she was waddling and rattling along and her wellies

were sometimes singing nursery rhymes cute right no she is now six years old and recently came home with two tiny toys she stole from school after much much coercing, she finally told me she stole them from the fidget corner at school. We talked about it, discussed the severity of it and how the police have to be involved when you get bigger, etc, etc. Dealt with, done. Except it wasn't, because several days later, the mother's WhatsApp group goes off and it's that mum, we all know the one, on the PTA,

practically perfect in every way perky poppins mum her daughter had lost the very toys that my daughter had stolen bloody fantastic so i went to my daughter and gave her the chance to tell me the truth explained she had to take them back and apologize told her i knew it would be difficult but she had to do it i didn't tell the mother i've left it to my daughter to fix her mistake. Fucking hell! Because I don't want my six-year-old blacklisted. Have I done the right thing?

Is there something major to worry about or is stealing normal for kids her age? It's hard to talk about with other parents but I need to know whether to be worried.

Thank you again. Oh my goodness, no! I think that's totally normal. Totally normal. You've got nothing to worry about doesn't mean she's gonna grow up to be a shoplifter i was a right thief when i was younger were you yeah i used to used to go to my friends houses and used to come home with like jelly shoes my mom'd be like where are who's are they who's are they took them from lisa's bedroom my sister was

the same she used to go into play school and come out with like jewelry and all sorts of high value items the problem is is i don't think when you're little you understand the value no nor do you think like you go in your big sister's bedroom and i took things from her bedroom yeah so you feel like it's the same yeah we talked about it and like exactly like you talked about that is not the right thing to do when you get older it's very serious i did do it multiple times after my mum and dad had told me how bad it was. Yeah. Until I think I just grew out of it.

Yeah. Until I got caught nicking a mascara from Pride. No, I'm joking. Yeah. You grow out of it until you're a teenager and you still steal. You get caught and you have to sit in security. Gel pens from WH Smith. And then after that, we all really get over it.

And when we're adults, we don't steal anymore. I don't think you've got anything to worry about. Sorrywn got a yawn coming up don't know why i keep getting surprised yawns it's because you're not sleeping well at night it's the bloody nightmares um i don't think you've got anything to worry about at all don't stress yourself she'll grow out of it we're always gonna have them mums we've all got one yeah it's just typical i love that she called them perky poppins perky poppins just typical that she stole her daughter's yeah it's just typical i love that she called him perky poppins perky poppins just typical that she stole her daughter's yes it's always the way though isn't it yeah clearly they must have really fancy shit that children want to like they're i just feel like they're like magpies aren't they if you're sending her why he's going to school with that shit anyway yeah don't send her to school

with it yeah not your daughter the perky poppins don't send your stuff in but they see something they want it they don't understand the concept of like personal property. I want it. You just see something and you're like, I want that. I see it.

I like it. I want it. I got it. Yeah. Ariana Grande. And I think you've done it the best way as well. Yeah.

To get her to do it. Yeah. Because then that takes a lot of responsibility. Yeah, because she probably won't want to do that again. No, plus, yeah, because she will feel,

I'd say she'd feel a little bit embarrassed. It is embarrassing, isn't it? She's six. I'm so sorry. So she's probably realising that that's not. I always try and put myself in like Dottie's position now. Like if she was to have to tell somebody,

she'd like, Dottie would literally go, I stole your necklace. Yeah. My mum made me return it, but if it wasn't down to my mum, I wouldn't have returned it. That would be Dott. She would give zero fucks.

She'd zero fucks given. Yeah. But I think you've handled it incredibly well and this is completely normal. it. That would be dark. She would give zero fucks. She'd zero fucks given. Yeah. But I think you've handled it incredibly well and this is completely normal. Yeah. Completely normal. Yeah.

And anybody that would have anything to say on this matter. Do you know what? If I was like the victim of the crime as well, I totally wouldn't be bothered if it was a child. Like I wouldn't be,

I wouldn't be asked. I'd just be like, oh yeah, I think they might have our stuff, like whatever. We'll just hand it back and get over it. So like a child's not doing it maliciously, are they? I agree.

If I was the one, if somebody had taken some stuff and somebody had come back and gone, oh, they took Colby's toys or Dottie's toys, I'd be like, oh, don't worry about it. It's fine. It's fine. Yeah. I was wrong for sending her to school with a Rolex.

Yeah. Sorry she pinched it. She's not going to grow up to be Reggie cray don't worry about it but thank you for thank you for messaging and i hope we made you feel a bit better about it yes i hope you're completely normal yeah everything's normal yeah we've all been there and done it we've all been there so right let's move on to number three this is the last secret it says hey ladies being a new mom i absolutely love your podcast my daughter is 14 months and you're helping me navigate the world of parenting oh i wanted to share a story which has honestly scarred me for life i cannot ever speak about it

out loud other than one time to my husband when i was around 15 or 16 i'm currently 25 i was still living with my parents but i was the last one to leave I was with my mum just bothering her after her shower like normal and she was getting herself sorted for some reason she asked me to text my dad from her phone I opened her phone and began typing the message out but then I realized in the previous messages on the screen was a message I should not have ever seen with my eyes I really hope it's not a picture of your dad's penis. I really, really hope. Not a dick pic.

It's not police time, it's not a dick pic. No, there was a text from my dad to my mum, which read... Oh fuck. I'm not ready. Okay. Get the baby oil ready, your ass is getting it. Oh! Fuck!

Fuck! Fuck! I couldn't look at my parents ever again. Ever. Ever. No wonder you never told anyone about this. You only told her husband once oh god i had to pretend i didn't see it and act completely normal that's the best thing to do ignore it move on swallow it down never think about it again don't swallow anything

i slowly left my mum alone to try to understand what I had seen and why I had seen it. Hang on, she's 15 or 16. Oh, no. The worst. I have never, ever mentioned it to them. My husband cringes at the thought of his parents having sex. And he said he never wants to hear this story ever again because it's traumatising. Please keep me anonymous. But I hope you can cringe with me oh my

please gosh please keep me anonymous please oh my god I'm so sorry I generally have no words for that I have generally no words your arse is getting I'm not reading it out again I can't even look I generally have no words for that. I have generally no words.

Your arse is getting... I'm not reading it out again. I can't even look at it. Oh, do you know what the worst thing is? Is we've got to leave an exit intro, an exit party for this. You know, when we have to end the podcast, someone always puts a witty line in the end oh yeah we're gonna they're gonna bring this up again aren't they they're gonna do that to us i i honestly i don't know what to do with that information my stomach hurts we are cringing with you get the baby oil don't worry we are cringing

wow thank you hard thank you for sharing that with us oh god 10 years ago that happened to her she's still she's still you can't you'll never get over it honestly i'm lost i'm lost almost worse like her husband doesn't want to hear about it because for him that's his in-laws he's got to sit around the dinner table and have that knowledge in his head do you know what i mean i wouldn't want to know if stefan told me that i'd be like why did you tell me that i just would love to be at their table at dinner time every night i just think about my dad do you know i'd have to i'd have to bring it up i'd have to say dad why did you text my mom that that's disgusting she should have thought about what was in her the last text messages that are in her I think I've bogeyed no why yeah why did she not think

maybe it was a message you get every day unless maybe she hadn't read it maybe they just are so he was gonna do bum sext been very lube heavy this chat very lube heavy they didn't have they didn't even need lube baby baby oil can i help there you go crumbs right that is that's enough for my don't tell my heart my achy breaky heart that's ruined my day has it it's made my day it's made mine i'm not gonna be able to stop thinking about it thank you for sharing your secrets this week. Everyone is welcome in the secret. Everyone is welcome in the secret mum club. If you want to share your secrets with us, you can. You can email us hello at secretmumpod.com

or with secretmumpod on TikTok and Instagram. Have you ever accidentally read a message from your parents that used the words baby oil and ass? Or have you ever misplaced your loo but it's been paraded in front of your whole family at Christmas, including your 101-year-old great-grand? Drop us a line and let us know, please, because we all know that sharing is caring. And we'll see you on Friday for another bonus episode on the... Secret Mum Club!