Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Bamboo Blender

Episode Date: November 6, 2025

There’s an exciting new addition to the poo knife family in the form of decorative bathroom foliage that leaves Soph and Emma both traumatised and impressed. They also hear a lipstick mix-up that has them in stitches, and a candid secret from a stepmum navigating sudden parenthood. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, this is The Secret Mum Club, I'm Safina and I'm Emma And welcome to your Thursday's episode Where we get to squeeze in all the extra bits and bobs from the week Squeeze your bits, all of your comments, thoughts, questions and fun stories Keep you going through the weekend. Shall we jump ony? Right, are you ready? It's time for another.

It's corner. Wow. Turn that radio down. Turn it up. Get me in your ear, phones. Can you imagine that in the headphones? As a burst ear drum. Thank you so much.

So, Emma, let's have number one. Okay. This is from Anonymous. Hello. It says, hi, hi, Sophan Emma. I've just been watching the Secret Swear Club episode. And in answer to your question about what items people have used as a poo knife, I present to you this.

story. Oh my. I'm so excited. My brother, eight and I, five, were over at my great-aunt's fancy home. My brother potted off to the loo and eventually returned to the sitting room after some time and quietly ushered my dad to help him. On the drive home, we were told what had transpired. My brother had done a massive shite and it wouldn't flush. My dad, in a panic, looked around the room and his eyes locked onto the decorative bamboo sticks in the vase on the corner of the bars. Shit. The ones are like a curly, you know, when they're straight with the curled top.

Or just straight. It's like a fucking whisk. Like a blender. It's created a blender with a bamboo stick. Some chopping later, he washed the stick, returned it to the vase and walked back into the room like nothing had happened. 17 years later. Fuck off.

My beautiful great aunt still doesn't know. Oh my God, Anonymous. So she must be like fairly advanced in her years now. Please tell me the bamboo. not still in the bathroom. It must have departed of the bamboo. Is she departed from the bamboo? I don't know.

Is it still in her bathroom? 17 years later. 17 years later and you said she doesn't know. I need to know if the bamboo's still in the bathroom. I want to know if great auntie's listening because secrets out now, hon. Right, great auntie. If you've got a niece and a nephew. Yeah, eight and five.

Great niece and nephew. Eight and five, 17 years ago. 17 years ago, eight and five. Also bamboo in your bathroom. Pretty posh house. A fancy house. Fancy home Fancy home

Are you still Have you still got that bamboo in there? Is it the straight one With the curly top You know when you like put it into a cake mixer And it's got the I know what you mean Yeah like a whisk

Basically that's what he's done Also what eight year olds Having a massive shit that blocks Do you know what This takes me back I did this at my best friend's house And now every time I flush a poo In a public toilet

I think is it gonna go down I was so mortified I just left it Yeah It wasn't going down And you know the water's getting higher and higher and I'm thinking, is it worse? If I leave my turd in here, I flood the bathroom.

Do you know what, right? When my poo is so big sometimes and I flush it and the toilet instantly, I go to Titanic. The panic. And I think, save me, Jack. Am I going to be on my poo floating around the bathroom? I'm like, save me, Jack. Jack, come back.

And then it instantly just goes down. It just goes down. Yeah. And you're like, oh, that was going to be reenacting the Titanic in here. Not today. With my massive floater. Or on the door that's. going to come off the hinges because the water would arise

either that or Paddington when he's in the tub and he flies down the stairs. Yeah, yeah, that's what I think more about flooding the whole bathroom. Yes. Cricky. Come back, Jack. So yeah, if you are great aunt or if you anonymous want to share any more on whether the bamboo is still there, then obviously we're going to be waiting on tenter hooks.

Something tells me we can narrow this down to Scotland as well because she said a massive shait. A massive shade. And I feel like that's what Scottish people say. That's that girl that's... I'm going to sing Cher Lloyd by Sherloid. One of you... Who hasn't flushed a toilet

after you've taken a shit? Disgaston! Well, it wasn't me. Descustan. So, yeah, I'm saying Scottish. Sorry, there's a really bad... Anonymous, let me know if I'm right. Great viral video, though.

Yeah. Stunning. I feel so bad for those girls. I'm going to sing, Sherloid by Sherloid. Which one of you doesn't have to flush a toilet after you've had a shit? Well, it wasn't me. Well, it was fucking one of us! They called it a shite or a joby.

Didn't they? Disgusting. I know. And I always say I've got jobbies to do in the house. Yeah. The Scottish friends on my socials are always like, oh! Just doing a little joby. Just doing a little poo, are you, honey?

Well, thank you so much. Gosh, thank you. Disgusting. Disgust then. Okay, we've got one last message here. It says, hi, beautiful ladies. Hello. Thanks.

I love the podcast and follow you both on socials. Your video's always brightened my day. Thank you very much. I listen every week on the school run and your episodes often make me and my 10-year-old cry with laughter. All the mispronunciation secrets are my my fave, and I have one to share with you. I have three daughters aged 20, 17 and almost 10. When my now 17-year-old was younger, she had a hilarious mispronouncingation. How ironic.

How ironic. Neither of us could talk a young company. A hilarious mispronunciation that we still remind her off to this day. Whenever I used to put lipstick on or lip balm, she'd want some too. But instead of calling it lipstick, she used to call it butt lick. Imagine being out, can I have a bit of butt look? This is it? Pardon? So she would say, I want butt lick, mummy.

Even when we were out in public, we've got some very funny looks now and again. Also, I've heard a few people writing about when their children grow up or hit the teenage years and don't want to be seen with their mum. I'm very lucky. I've never had that with my two eldest. They've always been more than happy to be seen with me. And even when they're out with their mates, they still hold my hand and give me cuddles and kisses no matter where we are or who we're with. We're a very open household and they know they can tell me anything.

I think that really helps. I always make sure they know they can come to me no matter what. They even borrow my clothes daily. I'm 40 next year and they're even coming away with me and my friends for my birthday. Oh my gosh.

Oh my love that. This is wonderful. I hope my kids want to come away with me. Well, I have 40th birthday. Although that's only in three years of time. I was going to say, I think they're still responsibly obliged to have to go. Can I bring my six and four year old?

Yeah, it's not really that kind of vibe. Okay, keep up the great work ladies. You're both smashing life and motherhood. Love Larissa from Hillingdon. Oh, Larissa. So what a stunning name, but lick. We all need a bit of butt lick. But lick.

Itchy leg and butt lick. I've actually just put a bit of butt lick on my lips. That is brilliant, isn't it? Yeah. Imagine, I hope she still uses it occasionally now. Yeah. Mom, give us a butt lick. Yeah.

Can I have some buttlick. Also, she must be trendy as hell, Larissa. She's got her children taking her clothes. I know. At 40. Yeah. And they're 2017. Because they must be cool.

They're Gen Z, baby. You're a Gen Z baby. And a millennial? Do you reckon Larissa's a millennial? I reckon she's sorry to use this term, but a geriatric millennial. Fuck off, you can't say that. Sorry, Larissa, but you are in that category. So you call her my sister a geriatric millennial?

My sister's the same, she's 41. That's actually... Because millennials were such a big category that I had to split it into two. So we're millennials and they're geriatric millennials. Only three years between us, though. Only three years between us, we're just younger and cooler. That's not what they said to me when I was 35 not geriatric, and then suddenly 36, oh, you're a geriatric mum.

Well, if you're trying to have a baby after it, is it's... 35? Yeah. Yeah, 35, that's what I mean. Yeah. Up to 35, you're not geriatric. Turn 36. Sorry, you're geriatric now.

We were geriatric moms, weren't we? Yeah. God damn it. Gosh. Lerissa, I'm going for a millennial. I'm not calling you a geriatric like Emma. You still sound cool as hell, though. You do sound cool as fuck.

Love that so much. And I do love a butt lick. Do you? Actually, I don't really like a butt lick. I'm not really someone that likes lip balm or lip gloss. It's just, yeah, it's just. It's too tacky for me. I love kissing my babies too much.

I do like a lit bum, but I don't really like a butt lick. I don't think I've ever been licked on my butt. It's very... Are we allowed to say that? It's very... You've had your bumhole licked? No, I'm just saying it's very niche. Like, there's a niche, like, thing, you know?

I know someone who's into it. Fuck off! This is wild! Name them, shame them. No, don't, I'm joking. If you'd enjoy a butthole lick. I don't know how I'd feel about... I'm a bit funny with a baby wipe on my bumhole.

Why did you put baby wipe? on your bum hole? I think there's been a time when I've had like diarrhea, maybe sore bum, and I put a baby wipe on it. Or when there's no bog roll and you just grab a loo roll or a bleach wipe. That's how you wipe babies' bums all the time. My mum used to leave bleach wipes in the bathroom. I used to increase.

No. Well, what was I meant to use? Use a brown bit of the bog roll. I just used a bleach wipe on my bum. I don't think you should be using that up there. Well, I just wipe the surface. Some people do bleach. I wouldn't do it now.

Some people do bleach their bum holes, though. They do bleach their bum holes, yeah. Yeah. So it's a thing. Also, people use butt plugs, don't. they. Right, this is, this is digressed. I used to have my bumhole wax. Did you? Yeah. Yeah, got a hairy bum hole. Right up the crack. I've had that when I have a web Brazilian. They go right in there, don't they?

No, no, no. I don't know how I feel about a wet bum hole. We've done a deep dive on we have done, but it was only innocent about lip gloss and now here we are. Ever had your bumhole licked? And please do let us know. Really nothing is too outrageous. Can't say I'll join you on that one. but yeah whatever floats your butthole and on that note next it's time for one of your secrets welcome back we love a secret on the secret mum club and you are all so good at sharing

so Emma what have you got for us today please okay this one comes from Lauren in Scotland she says hi ladies I've never heard any step-parents write in about their experiences and I'm wondering if there's anyone else who can relate to this. Me and my partner met last year and we're due to be married next June. Things moved fast, but when you know, you know. Oh, congratulations. Yes, congratulations. He has a six-year-old child with a high-conflict ex-partner who has made our life nothing but hell from day one. His son came to live with us six months ago after only three or four

days notice. As we lived some distance from his mother, we had two working days to get him into a school near us and organise how our working lives would fit around this. Oh, gosh. Gosh. I absolutely adore his son and would do anything for him. When he's calm and well regulated, I love being with him and doing fun things, but his son has a lot of trauma from seeing and hearing unhealthy and unsafe adult relationships all his life. This means his behaviour and temper are challenging more often than not. When he moved in, I changed my working hours and dropped pay to be able to work around school times. I spend the most time with him due to my partner's work being demanding. However, I know. However, I never expected to become a full-time parent and no one ever

speaks about how tough being a step-parent is, especially to a child who has experienced so many awful things. I find myself feeling resentful towards him. I've given up so much for him to have a safe and happy life with nice things and fun activities, but he spoils the good things we do for him with poor behaviour. The rational side of my brain knows he's just a child and doesn't actually mean the horrible things he says to me, but my sensitive side lets it affect me and I end up holding on to the words for hours or even days. Oh, God bless you. Is there any way of dealing with these feelings. I feel awful being resentful of a six-year-old and somewhat mourning my old life. Oh, gosh. But you basically become a parent overnight. That's a tough situation. That is a really,

really tough situation. So let's break it down. I feel like you, again, I'm always somebody that I believe that you're a mum, regardless of how it happens to me, reading this, you're, you're his mum. You've taken on that role. It's almost like she didn't ask for it. Do you know what I mean? It's like It's just happened to her overnight. Yes. It was unexpected. Unexpected, yes. Which must be a really hard adjustment.

Of course, but obviously we're aware that there was the little boy in place when they started their relationship. So obviously we don't know too much about that. But obviously you've done a fantastic job. One, so selflessly have dropped your hours, dropped paid to accommodate for him. So that in itself, you, that's an incredible. incredibly selfless thing to do like to do that there's not a lot of people that that would do that and in hindsight i don't even am i allowed to say that you didn't have to do that well no considering as well like she's not the dad is the biological parent and yes he has a demanding job

but the fact that you've done that for your partner i think is amazing yeah that's huge um obviously we can't take away from the fact that this little boy has seen too much um and it is hard being that he's not biologically yours but he is you're still his mum and you're creating a safe place a safe home and I think right now it is very early to be able to shake those feelings I think how your feeling is completely valid I think a biological mother in this dealing with more challenging situations would also feel exactly the same as you yeah there is times where you know we were talking about it a couple of weeks ago on the pod weren't we where I was going for a face where I just didn't feel like I was making anybody happy and then you kind of

look back on things or you look back at a week that maybe it was a happier time or you know before before one of the other children were born and I hate myself for it I hate myself for it but I think that being a woman and being human is a natural reaction to when some when life is tough so taking the child out of the situation when life is tough there's always things that we look back and we mourn on yeah that was blame ourselves for yeah I'll blame ourselves for so I think that is a natural human reaction to feel that way. And I think where it's been that the change has been since the little boy has. And it's been so sudden as well. So quick overnight. So much has changed for you in the space of like days. Yeah. Which is such a unique situation to be. And like most people can

prepare for a child for a bit longer. And also he, I'm imagining then he isn't going back to his biological mum. Yeah. It doesn't sound like it. No, it doesn't. It sounds like it's not, that's not the case. So obviously being that you started your relationship with your soon to be husband and a massive congratulations to you both. Soon to be husband, you started that relationship knowing he had a son and... But probably not expecting to be the full-time parent. But you accepted that and you took your hours as you take your hours and then he goes back to his mum.

Obviously, things haven't been that straightforward and you've had to take on so much. So I think in the in the outer picture, everything you're feeling is absolutely valid. Seems totally normal, totally valid. And I think being that way... where he is at right now, it is going to make the harder days seem so much more harder and the better days less important or less special. And again, I do, I do think that's normal, but it's really hard for me to give an opinion on that or talk about it when it's not our normal, it's not our every day.

But I think there's so many people that I've been through this or going through this that can share some lovely advice. But I just don't want you sat here hating yourself. And feeling bad, yeah. And feeling bad. I think it's totally understandable the way that you feel. But also, like... There's not a lot of people that would have stuck around for this.

There is not a lot of people that would have been in your position and stuck this out. Yeah. I think a lot of people would have run from this. And you've done amazingly well to adapt. And it is really hard when you feel like you're putting your everything into something and you're making loads of effort and you're doing nice things for the little boy and you feel like it's getting thrown back in your face. Like that is hurtful.

Because that's him, that's his way of processing. you know. Yeah, but we have to remember, like, he's been through a lot. Yeah. He's, it's a big transition for him. He needs to adjust. Yeah. Like, he might be lashing out in certain ways. And it's not personal. It's not about you. Like, you could be doing the best job. Yeah. And he's still going to behave this way because of everything that he's been through. But that is hard. Like, it is hard when you feel

like everything's getting thrown back in your face. And you kind of want to say, like, do you know how much I've done? I've sacrificed so much. Like, you feel like that as a as a biological parent sometimes. Yeah. Yeah. I was about to say. You're like, oh my God, I've done such nice things for you today and you're acting like this they don't understand they're too little and they're not being malicious or not trying to hurt you it's just their brains are just you know underdeveloped and that's just the way they react so he's he's at the centre of this really but it's a really hard situation to be and I do feel for her and I do feel like you're creating such a safe place for him to be and the fact that he is lashing out would in my eyes from an

outsider looking in the fact that he is he is unable to regulate himself so meaning he's He's feeling his feelings and he is lashing out and he's doing all of these things means that you have created such a safe place for him to feel comfortable to be able to do that rather than bottle them up. I think bottling them up and him being silent is way more dangerous to his mental health and his, you know, his growth. So I think there's so much more you can take from this being, you know, us listening in to your current situation.

I think there's so much more that you can take from this that you are doing. a really phenomenal job at the drop of a hat you've created something so special you've been so selfless and dropping so much for him and right now and i think i can speak for a lot and i'm sure you'll agree with me there's right now there's things that we do that right now are not beneficial for us and that we aren't going to wreak the benefits right now of this but when we're sat later in life with grandchildren or with our teenagers or adult young adults that are going out to work and they've got wonderful friends a great job they've got beautiful homes beautiful children that's when we're going to be able to wreak the benefits of what we have what you put in

yeah what we've put in so I feel like even biologically or non biologically regardless of your position as mum right now yeah I think it's a lot harder for us to see the benefit in what we're doing and I just think yeah hold your head up you know you love him you love your your husband to be you're creating a really wonderful space for him and I do I would encourage Phil that you feel your feelings because it is the same and again I don't want to keep saying it but regardless of you not being not being biologically his mum you're his mum yeah so feel the feelings that us moms feel you are his mum and you're doing everything you can and you've been incredibly selfless and I think it's okay to feel that it's okay to feel all the feelings and also I know you've probably

got friends around you that are supporting you and you know I hope that you aren't alone and I hope you've got lots of people around you and hopefully your husband to be is I have no doubt that he's unbelievably grateful and so proud of you in this but also talk about him talk about him like you are his mum I hope that you go out and you do say I'm his mum you know because I feel like putting yourself actively in his life and talking about him and do it. and all the things us mums do because you are you are a mum and i think will also help with the burden of that you know not i say the burden the burden of the feelings not the burden of the child um the burden of because sometimes i think when you are a step-parent you tend to go out and go

oh they're not mine you know or well i'm not their mom you know and i just think i always think if it was me and chris and we separated if there was a woman who was wonderful in the children's lives, right there in that moment, you're their mum, you're their bonus mum. So I would want them to be like, you know, your mum in that moment. So whether somebody was a tour. I wonder what their situation is, like whether he calls her mum or whether he still calls. I don't imagine, I don't know if he would or what, but obviously if she's out, I wouldn't want her to be like, oh, well, I'm not his mum, you know. They do, yeah. And they do pick up on like everything and the way you speak about them as well. So, because if you're out and he hears you say, she's not

my mom or you're not my mom you know it's a tricky one i think it's just going to take you both time to adjust but yeah it'd be good to hear from it's easy for me to sit here and say it because it's not my reality it would be good to hear from other step-parents yeah if they've experienced anything similar wouldn't it yeah if anyone can share their experiences so we can pass on i think that would be really great yeah you can email us hello at secret mumpod dot com or with secret mum pod on ticot and instagram and we'll be back first thing on tuesday we'll have more of your messages on our next thursday episode and we'll see you next time on the Secret Mum Club!