Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Best Bits: Poo Special

Episode Date: March 7, 2024

We're looking back at all the classic Secret Mum Club moments... and this time it's all about number twos! That's right, we're talking poo. It's a running theme on the podcast, and we do love a good poo story! So sit back, relax and let's enjoy some iconic toilet tales! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

A-Cast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Céline Dion. My dream? To be an international star. Could it happen again? Could Céline Dion happen again? I'm Thomas Leblanc, and Céline Understood is a four-part series from CBC Podcasts and CBC News, where I piece together the surprising circumstances that helped manufacture Celine Dion, the pop icon. Celine Understood, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com Hello, this is The Secret Mom Club. I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. And welcome to the first of a special mini-series where we're looking back at our best bits. We loved hearing all those clips in the Valentine's special so we thought why not have another trip down memory lane. In today's best of episode we are going to be sharing our favourite poo stories and secrets. Of course, what else? There have been so many poo stories yep so get ready because this is all thriller no filler and we are talking all things shit

poo has been such a huge theme running through the podcast so we need to start strong and i've got just a secret to kick us off not gonna lie it's one of my faves and it gave me a great new way to deal with giant poos there is no poo story more iconic than the one and only poo knife it's the chopper roll the clip all right I've got one last message here it says hi Safina and Emma I resonate with lots of stories, but the poo blockage glow stick story, a classic, really got me chuckling. And I know exactly how this feels. I have what I think is a condition

where I have giant poos. Is there a condition about giant poos? Is this email from you? I don't want to say. I needed some more advice, but I need. No, my girl, this is not me. I think it's because I eat lots of nuts. But who knows?

Your nuts make you have giant poos? Holy smokes. I have loo blocking issues all the time. At home, at work, out shopping, hotels, everywhere. Hold on a minute. Back the fuck up. You're shitting everywhere. You're shitting at home, at work, shopping, hotel.

Well, yeah. I only shit in my own loo. I've pooed in all those places. Wow. This is phenomenal. Okay, let's keep going. I always moan at my husband. I always moan when I take a massive shit.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. My head was in a different space. I always moan at my husband that loos just aren't big enough for your giant shit. The worst occasion was when I was going for an interview at a very high-end firm. Oh no. Whilst waiting, my nervous belly kicked in and I nipped to the client loos,

only to block the whole thing. There was no brush. God. So I had to leave it and sit through the interview, completely distracted by the thought that the receptionist might find it any minute now. Safe to say I didn't get the job. Oh, I now. Oh, my God. Oh, God. I now carry around a poo knife.

Like a pen knife, but a poo knife. What? She's just chopping her shit. Ah! You need one. Why? Is this a laminate? Where can I get a pooh knife? Why do you get body sacks?

It just goes, sorry, you're carrying a knife, it's for my shit. It's my pooh knife. Butter knife? No, it. You're carrying a knife, Adam. It's not my shit. It's my poo knife. Butter knife? No, it's actually my poo knife. I chop my poo. You said with your glow stick. Should I chop it up?

My own house. I was in my own house. I was in the comfort of your own life. I carry glow sticks in my bag now. This is even better. I carry around a poo knife, which was given to me as a present from my dear friend

who knows all about my big poo struggles. Love how open she is about it. Loving the podcast from Lucy. Oh my God, Lucy, you absolute legend. I cannot believe she's got a poo knife. Right.

Is it actually a poo knife? Is it a knife just for your poo? Or do you just carry a butter knife? You can't use it for anything else. Oh, you mean like a specific? Is it like a, you know, cheese butter knife? You can't use it for anything else. Oh, you mean like a specific... Yeah, is it like a... You know, cheese knives

are curved in a certain way. Like, is there a specific chopping? I reckon it's like a pen knife but it's for... Okay, have we used it? Shit. Have we used it, Lucy?

Look me in the eyes. Have we used it? Have you been out in the shopping centre, blocked the loo and started chopping? Also, what do you do? Just wipe it off on a bit of tissue and then wash it in the sink? I do... loo and start a chopping. Oh, so what do you do? Just wipe it off

on a bit of tissue and then wash it in the sink? I do, like I do at home. Wipe it on your tissue. When you cut a loaf of bread, put that back in the drawer. With a bread knife, give me a quick wipe

back in the drawer. Quick wipe back in my pocket, back in my handbag. I do that all the time. Sometimes I just straighten the armpit back in the drawer. Yeah, oh yeah. That that's not shit on it i feel like lucy didn't follow up with the part two we're still here waiting for we're waiting

for the number two lucy there were so many questions that still haven't been answered as to the whole situation like is she is she chopping is she used it let us know the original she was the og the original lucy will forever poo knife she changed the conversation she changed the way we talk about this topic forever she changed our whole perspective on poo knives honestly she brought it to the table she delivered but yet she's not followed up with her number two we need to know lucy what what is going down are we using this my favorite one of my favorite parts about that is that she blames toilets for being too small the toilets are they just not big enough for my ginormous shit? You're the problem, it's you. Not the toilets. It's your massive shit.

I would say no, it's the squirrel life, it's the nuts. These nuts are making you have massive shit. But in all honesty though, also, because this was a job interview, I'm assuming you went on to have other employment. There's just so much in this. There's just so much that was just not answered was there so many it's left us with more questions than answers so yeah please do get back in touch what a happy poo experience honestly okay i think we should have a bit of context as to why the poo knife was such a great letter to have so this next clip is a soap special now you're

very open about your bowel movements and bum trumpets so and i think this story of yours changed the way we'll look at glow sticks forever so without further ado let's listen back to the glow sticks incident without further a poo am i right i've i've been constipated that's not news no we all know we all know about that no that's not news to anybody so after five days i finally managed to take a poop oh and thank you thank you honestly did feel like i was in labor did it yeah for have you been taking anything a good 13 minutes prunes prunes i've been eating loads of fruit, loads of veg. Anything you like? Nothing's shifting it.

Everyone keeps saying, oh, eat all this really healthy. I am eating healthy. Believe it or not, I'm eating really healthy. I'm gaining shit loads of weight, but I'm eating healthy. I just can't get the shit out. What if you take some laxatives or something? I don't think you're allowed. Oh, when you're pregnant?

No, I don't think you're allowed. So anywho, managed to birth the poo right huge poo but in birthing the poo i blocked the loo i stood for about 17 minutes trying to flush the poo that has to which i you know when you that you get that sweat in your head and you're like i'm gonna have to cut it what am i actually do i go to the kitchen and get a knife do i go to the kitchen and get a knife? Do I go to the kitchen and get a knife? Everyone was asleep. It was 5 a.m. in the morning.

I didn't know what to do. So I was like, do I go to the kitchen to get a knife to cut it? No. So I carried on still trying to flush it, still trying to flush it. What are you using? The water. Toilet brush or anything? No, I don't have a toilet brush.

Because they just are just poo fests, aren't they? The poo particles. So I just kept trying to flush it. And the water was getting higher and higher. And I thought, fuck, it's going to's now 20 past five i'm still in the toilet the children are desperate for the loo they can't go now because i've blocked the toilet so i'm sweating waiting to get in the shower because i'm naked because i was sweating so much on the toilet to get the poo out i took all my clothes off so i'm fully naked yeah trying to flush a massive shit down the toilet so the only thing i could grab what we had in the bath was these really long glow sticks we'd done like a spooky bath and they were just left over in the bath so i just grabbed the whole handful of them

and started ramming them oh no i started ramming them down the toilet. Did it work? Did it work? It did work. It took a bit of work, you know, to get it to move and shift. But then I had nowhere to put them. So I had to put them into the bath while my shower was running. You had a shower with the shitty glow sticks. So then I showered with the glow sticks and I thought, I'll move them.

I'll move them later because obviously no one knows what's happened. Apart from Colby and Dottie had no idea what was ramming their glow sticks down the toilet. So I come home and the glow sticks are back no Chris moved the glow sticks no where are they

I'm assuming he's put them in the wheelie bin oh he did throw them in the bin at least yeah I don't think he's reused them and had another party

but it's the fact that he's touched my poo he's had to pull glow sticks I hope he washed his hands afterwards i haven't i didn't tell him at least the children didn't play with him that's what i thought you were gonna say

i just i said to him oh did the children mention anything he was like no and i was like don't worry if you mentioned to dad that i was ramming the glow sticks down the toilet i haven't told him i haven't told colby and dotty no yeah they saw me ramming the glow sticks down the toilet and i was like get out don't look at me don't look me i was like crazy um so yeah chris doesn't know until he listens to this podcast he's not gonna listen i tell him not to listen i say there's nothing in trouble nothing for you there's nothing for you to see here i don't think you'll ever listen

after a shriveled up pizza dick episode. No. It's the fact that everyone now texts me about his pizza dick. Even from my pregnancy announcement when people are like, oh, well. Yeah.

His pizza dick does work. Still working. Soph, it is so good to hear that again. Reliving that all over again. Funny thing is, is Chris still does at night. That was going to be my next question. Surely by now he knows. The rest of the world knows.

No, it's an untold secret. No one can ever share it with him. It is funny though when people do go out and they repeat things that have been talked about in the podcast to Chris in real life, like calling pizza dick. The glow sticks is going come out it's gonna come out at some point it's too it's too out there now it's too public honestly i didn't i didn't

ever think i'd be able to laugh at myself so much and that that's just it was such a wonderful time to look back on and just be like iconic moment of life really it was iconic it worked and you know it worked a tree you know what though you'll never have to find yourself in that situation again because now you've got your very own poo knife i have got my own poo knife yeah but although it's now in the studio we didn't pack it to bring it home did we so heaven forbid i need my poo knife while i'm in um while i'm at home we'll send you a poo chopper send you another one i'll use one from the kitchen drawer chris will never know who knew this podcast would become such a home for the poo chat and we do love a good toilet story so if you have anything you want to send in email us hello at secret

mom pod.com or with secret mom pod on tiktok and instagram we've got more of the poo related best bits after this break. We get it. Life gets busy. Luckily with Peloton Tread, you can still get the challenging workouts you crave. Only have 10 minutes? Take a quick Peloton workout. Want to go all out? Chase down your goals with 20 to 45 minute tread workouts. No matter your goals or time, Peloton has everything you need to become everything you want. Find your push. Find your power. Peloton. Visit onepeloton.ca. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend.

Céline Dion. My dream? To be an international star. Could it happen again? Could Céline Dion happen again? I'm Thomas Leblanc, and Céline Understood is a four-part series from CBC Podcasts and CBC News, where I piece together the surprising circumstances that helped manufacture Celine Dion, the pop icon. Celine Understood, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com Welcome back to our best of episode where we're talking all things poo. And we've got another corker of a clip for you. This time it's all about the incident inside our Emma's house.

Yeah, I can honestly say I was so happy when this happened. We've been following Joseph's poo journey on the edge of our toilet seats, just hoping he would be able to squeeze one out. And then we were blessed with the birth of his poo. It's the floor poo clip. Roll VT. The other night I changed him before the bath and he had like a medium-sized poo in his nappy,

but he'd kind of strained to get it out. I was like, this is normal, nothing new. I wrapped his nappy up. I was like, right, let's go up to the bath. Normally that short journey up the stairs to the bath is fine with no nappy on right so i pick him up with no nappy on oh fuck i go to walk him to the bath oh god and then i'm like a thud hits the carpet like a loud thud hits the carpet and i thought he must have dropped a toy or something but i didn't think he was holding anything stepped back and looked at it a huge huge poo had fallen out of him oh my god onto the rug i couldn't believe he pooed he pooed a massive poo a massive poo like i think this has

been clogging him up for weeks months weeks weeks. Wow. Weeks, if not months. Like, it was, when I say huge, like if it came out. Did you take a picture? Absolutely. Thank God. Why have you not sent it to me? I want a comparison with your arm. I'll show you.

I'm not going to put it on social media. No. Because it's a little bit embarrassing for him. Well, yeah, we can't. I was so pleased. Honestly, I couldn't stop thinking about it for ages afterwards. Like, if it came out of me, I'd be relieved. And he's only little.

Wow. It was huge. If you heard it drop as well, that's a big poo. I heard it drop. If somebody saw my sister, mine and my sister's WhatsApp chat, we'd probably go to prison

because we send the most random shit on WhatsApp chat. Actual shit. Yeah. Yeah, literally. But I didn't realise, I think the change of position had probably helped him so i was holding him we were talking we were talking about this a couple of weeks ago about touching the poo so did you pick it up no so so basically this is what happened

i was holding him to me and i feel like bending his legs up like that i'd helped him get something out it released something in him so he let that out and i was like stefan come and have a look at this you were holding him and he pooed? Yeah, but it didn't go on me. It just literally like... So you created like a little play-doh? I squeezed it out of him somehow. It was amazing. Wow.

And then I said, Stefan, come and have a look at this. Because we've been waiting for this moment for months. I didn't realise he was still going. So Stefan walks into the living room. Second bit of poo. Stefan treads straight in it in his socks. I'm like, oh no, move out of the way. Third bit of poo comes out on the rug.

I'm like, this poo is not going to stop coming. What is happening? Oh my God. I know. Me and Stefan were like, and he was crying because I think he was like upset at the sensation of like not pooing in a nappy. Yeah.

Because he's never had that before. I was going to say, this is a huge moment for Joseph because he doesn't even like pooing on the potty. well he's never tried to poo on a potty but i feel like that it might help him but you massage him normally to poo yeah with his nappy on yeah this is huge for joseph it's huge news honestly and i sent it to so was there a fourth lump of poo that was it then i whisked him up to the bath thank god stefan was there because i had to take him up to the bath to get him clean clean all the poo stefan's on operation shit clean operation poo get the socks

straight on a hot wash i mean i would have been the socks it was not gonna lie yeah yeah probably should probably should have put on a 90 degree wash so we'll see how they turn out come out the size of joseph socks i can't tell you how much I still think about that incident. And it was probably like three or four months ago now. And I think about it like a lot. What is more funny, which I don't think we've told anybody, is just how much Stefan hates poo chat. Yeah, he does.

I mean, having a baby has made him a little bit more open but he definitely like he's not really a toilet humor kind of guy but with me and joseph around he doesn't have much choice you know he generally asked emma as to why we talk about shit so much and i just said it's because we are full of shit you know but i i just i kudos to joseph that was that's that's in there that's cool memory that honestly that's something you're never gonna forget sometimes the picture comes up on my memories on my phone and i just look back at it and i think god what what a great day what a great day for joseph honestly i've even seen the pictures and it was truly iconic yeah i've sent it to a few people and really they they couldn't believe it and for

people who are wondering because i have had questions stefan's socks came out absolutely fine they washed up a dream he would have never known they came out a treat but what a day what a day for us in this house honestly we'll look back fondly for years fondly i think they should be framed in all honesty why have we not got them in the studio i believe that when we return to studio we need some of the poo pictures in there i'll get them printed thank you appreciate that all right we've got another clip here and this time it's not a human poo story nope and it's a little tragic it was the most poo i've ever had to deal with and you know how giant mine can be all right let's get straight into it so i hope you enjoy the dog poo so we went on a dog walk

yeah make sure everyone has a wee before you leave no one needs to wee no we're all good for a wee going to go out the door chris says you know what i'm just going to stay home you stay home pick your feet up we're going to have just a nice little walk me and the babies and the dogs great everyone's weed bladders are empty key key part of this story okay bladders are empty got it okay so off we go having a lovely time and i'll walk so we're just poodling along we get nearly to our destination colby all of a sudden just dropped the dog leads the drop dog leads just dropped so there's me not only bolting for the dogs the children are bolting for the dogs but no one can actually catch the dogs because the dogs are far too fast the dogs miraculously stopped so i

caught up with the dogs i need to pick the lead up hold the lead to put it back in my hand to find the leads are covered in dog shit not even my own dog they're not my own dog's poop so not only did i do that turn around to colby also covered in another dog's oh no how did that happen oh he must have touched the leads picked the dog up i don't there was there was poo flying around everywhere poo just seems to circulate around me doesn't it it always comes back to poo because i talk a lot of shit but you know he was covered in poo to then turn over to dotty not only reaching vomiting no at the smell of the dog poo she wouldn't come near me because i had dog poo all over my hands i wouldn't either to be fair but to top it all off which was great once i got the situation sorted i used my own self to wipe down colby of course no children wanted to walk next to me so they're just running off ahead while i'm just stood back here covered in dog poo dog poo leads they're like

let's go to the park i was like why don't we just go home drop the dogs off no still need to go to the park we have to go to the park you promised the still need to go to the park. We have to go to the park. You promised the park. No one in the park stood near me. I'm not surprised. Because I stank of dog shit. And then to top it off, Colby needed a wee. So I had to assist him in the bush with a wee, covered in dog shit,

while then one of the dogs tried to drink the wee. Oh my Christ. Colby was flying wee everywhere because he was like, no, she's going to bite my willy. And Dottie's been sick. Dottie's just still hanging out basically on the zip line like, what? Yeah, I'm having a great time. Got home, got home to Chrissie. It's like, I've had a lovely time, have you?

They had a fucking laugh. He was like, you've only a lovely time, have you? I had a fucking laugh. He was like, you've only been out 45 minutes. What the fuck happened? I don't know. Everything. Everything happened to me. But that's a one off. It's not all the time.

No, it's not for me. Children and pets. No, thank you. They're not just for Christmas. They're not. Please think seriously. Please think seriously. Think seriously seriously stay at home next time i i am thank god the sun's here because it's too hot to walk the dogs so now they're just

getting a licky pad for half an hour in the garden to be fair people say it's the best thing for dogs isn't it it's the same as having a walk a licky pad what's a licky pad you basically put like yogurt on it a bit of fruit a bit of peanut butter some dog ice cream freeze it for a little bit then give it to the dogs yeah stay at home next time yeah i'm going to be more chris channel my inner chris well there you go it's quite a bittersweet memory that one isn't it because i just feel like it's such a fantastic memory to honestly listening back though i do actually cherish it a little bit, but obviously as some, some may know and some may not know that the doggies are living their best

lives with their, their new family lambs. Yeah. Someone else, someone else is dealing with their poo habits now. To be fair, the irony of the whole story was that it wasn't actually my dog's shit. It was another dog's poo.

So if you are one of the owners that don't pick up your doggy poop, that was your cue. There is one mum out there hella in shit, knees deep in a whole lot of dog crap because someone didn't pick it up, you know? So if all, if we can, anything we can take from this is if you're a dog owner pick up your shit let that be a lesson to you let that cherish the moment though even just the back then i even felt the um i could even smell it you know you know when you talk about a memory and you can still smell it yeah yeah that came flooding back that was great so it's time for the final clip now this one took us completely by surprise this is actually my favorite ever secret that we've had it needs no introduction it's the pink poo um this one says hi safina and

emma something happened to me yesterday that i am not proud of shit chef i was picking up my seven and nine year olds from an after-school drama club which is 20 minutes away from home upon arrival i realized i was desperate for a wee and after three kids in four years wow my ability to hold has never been quite the same wow yeah i'm not surprised there is a derelict building opposite the drama studio where i had parked and so i decided i would take a quick wild wee we love a wild urination i went around the back of the building checked there were no cctv cameras squatted down and much to my surprise oh my god this is a twist plot twist i delivered a gigantic shit. I was part laughing and part scared someone would

see me. Oh god! It's the unexpected poo. To my surprise. To my surprise. I'm taking a shit in the wild. It's not even in the wild it's a building opposite the drama studio

we're not in the new forest here no we're in the middle of a town somewhere I would imagine thankfully I had some tissue in my pocket

that's because you've got four children so I finished up grabbed some hand sanitizer from the car door and went to collect my boys with a smile on my face. Did she leave the poo? I played with herself as well. I love how happy she is.

I thought she was one going to hand you back her bum hole. I don't know what was happening with the chocolate starfish. What are we doing with the poo? Have we left the poo? Yeah, I think so. She said, I don't know why, but I told my boy about the wild poo. My seven-year-old then announced that he could see it from across the road. As I was so proud of the size of my delivery.

As I was so proud of the size of my delivery, as I was so proud of the size of my delivery, I walked him around the back of the building to see it. Fuck. Rape my poo, kids. This has gone so much further than I ever thought. This has really escalated. Oh, I can't. My baby hurts. Oh, my God. I was going to die. My baby hurts.

Oh my God. He turned the corner, stopped, smirked, and without saying anything, he walked back to the car, shaking his head. On the drive home, I was reiterating to him that he was not to tell anyone. He said he understood and agreed. Fast forward 20 minutes, we arrive home. He walked into the house

and said to his four-year-old sister, who is a right gossip, you won't believe the size of the poo mum did in the car park. It was like a pink poo emoji. Oh gosh. I hadn't noticed, but I...

Oh my God. I hadn't noticed, but I had eaten a large quantity of beetroot the night before. So she had... Not only did she shit in a car park, she had a bright pink pen. What? And she hadn't even noticed. She said, I had a large

quantity of beetroot the night before and thinking back this is so well written thinking back my turd was a little pink I'm now petrified I'm going to be

the talk of the playground and the story of my pink poo will haunt me for a long time love love love listening to you both anonymous

what a fucking cop out tell us your full name and location guilty conscience guilty as charged all i just want to know about the derelict building there's going to be builders that are going to turn up to a big crust of big shit that's going to have just amalgamated to just this rock hard... Like a unicorn poo. Just hanging out with this unicorn shit today. She hadn't noticed the shit was bright pink. How did she... Did she wipe... She's obviously not a wipe and lurk.

Why wipe and lurk? She had dishing with her. Exactly. So how do you know how much you wiped if you don't lurk? Do you know what would be amazing? I don't think it was a clean break. I think this is why she felt quite... Yeah, I think this is why she felt so satisfied.

What do you mean? Because it's a clean break? Magic poo. Stop why she felt quite, yeah, I think this is why she felt so satisfied. What do you mean, because it's a clean break? Magic poo. Stop it. Magic poo, no wiping required. Best. Fuck the best. So what, she's wiped,

there's nothing even there. Maybe. It's not only has she had an unpromptu poo, she's also had a clean break. But she's gone back to have a look at it and not even realised that it's pink. Pink. Extra points for the colour, I see. Honestly honestly name name yourself because you we had claire for president

but unfortunately we're gonna have to yeah we're gonna have to make you clash and we're gonna have to put we're gonna have to put anonymous forward for president anonymous for president for her unicorn shits oh my god so good it was the fact that it fact that it just kept going and going and going. Oh my God. That was one of my favourites we've ever, ever had. It was just so well written and the twists and turns, like the wee that turned into a poo. Then the poo she did do was bright pink. And it was the phantom poo that there was no poo on the tissue when she wiped, but she also took the children back to look at it,

but never examined the poo herself to see that it was unicorn shit. It just has got everything. Just the best, the best story. And we would like to say that they haven't come forward. She is still president, anonymous president, that still stands as feature on the podcast. And we will pray the day that she messages us again. Yes, anonymous letter writer, reveal yourself.

Maybe you could let us know if they've started building on the grounds yet. That would be great. Let us know if you've returned to the scene of the crime and it's still there. Yeah, that would be great. Let us know if you've returned to the scene of the crime and it's still there. We're going to have to add a pink emoji poo in a frame to our wall of fame in the studio when we're back. Yes.

Just have a wall of just shit. Just full on wall. Oh, I love it so much. I've loved listening to all these clips again. Yeah, we really do talk about poo a lot. So much. If you've got any poo stories, you can send them in. Email us hello at secretmumpod.com

or with secretmumpod on TikTok and Instagram. And we'll see you next time on the Secret Mumbler Club. We get it. Life gets busy. Luckily with Peloton Tread, you can still get the challenging workouts you crave. Only have 10 minutes? Take a quick Peloton workout. Want to go all out?

Chase down your goals with 20 to 45-minute tread workouts. No matter your goals or time, Peloton has everything you need to become everything you want. Find your push. Find your power. Peloton. Visit onepeloton.ca. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend.

Céline Dion. My dream? To be an international star. Could it happen again? Could Céline Dion happen again? I'm Thomas Leblanc, and Céline Understood is a four-part series from CBC Podcasts and CBC News, where I piece together the surprising circumstances that helped manufacture Celine Dion, the pop icon. Celine Understood. Available wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com.