Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Best Bits: Valentine's Edition

Episode Date: February 15, 2024

We've had a fair few saucy secrets from you, and seeing as it's Valentine's week, we're re-sharing our favourites! Soph and Emma run through some of the most iconic love-related letters, and react again! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

A-Cast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Céline Dion. My dream? To be an international star. Could it happen again? Could Céline Dion happen again? I'm Thomas Leblanc, and Céline Understood is a four-part series from CBC Podcasts and CBC News, where I piece together the surprising circumstances that helped manufacture Celine Dion, the pop icon. Celine Understood, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com.

Hello, this is The Secret Mum Club. I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. And welcome to a very special Thursday episode. And I would just like to start by saying we are currently recording from home because if you didn't know, we're basically both ready to birth a watermelon each. Not together, each. So if it sounds like shit, don't tell us. We've got bigger fish to be frying. Yeah, we're both absolutely ready to drop.

So do forgive us, but we can no longer leave the house. We generally appreciate you for being here, though. Yes. So thank you for being here. Thank you for still being here. And as it's Valentine's week, we thought we should carry on spreading the love. Or spreading your legs. By sharing our favourite loved theme letters and secrets.

Yep, and we've had our fair share of itchy legs on this podcast. So buckle in and let's get saucy. This first secret is iconic. It was in the fifth episode of season one and it created a new term for getting down and dirty that we use all the time. It's something that has happened to so many parents and it is possibly one of the most traumatic things to witness. So let's cast our minds back to the very first itchy legs secret. All right, this says, hi ladies. So here's an embarrassing secret that's no doubt happened to every parent at some stage. Me and my partner were engaging in sexual activity, as you do. All of a sudden we hear laughter. My then

eight-year-old son was standing in our bedroom, just laughing his head off. My partner in a panic says, I was just scratching mummy's legs. I was mortified. But after my son left, we were just in fits of laughter. My son is 23 now. Oh my God. And he still brings it up. Just the other day,

we were at a restaurant with other family members and the conversation turned to sex and relationships. My son said, mum, are you still calling it itchy legs? I hope this made you laugh. Really enjoying the podcast.

Can't wait for more. Oh, thanks. Oh my God. That is amazing. I thought it was going to be like a recent story. That was 15 years ago and he's still talking about it.

That is absolutely. I love that he's still laughing about it now. like it's not something that's traumatized him no i think it's i think he's taken that very well what an absolute dude yeah the fact that now he says about it that is absolutely hilarious i haven't had this this hasn't well i certainly haven't yet no my son's still a baby i think it's because i have the fear of just having like one of them stood at the door like something out of the ring like that's like my tv like it freaks me out i can't i can't colby is nearly this age like so imagine that and also the doggies sleep in my room as well it even went me and chris are kissing like in bed oh god that sounded so cringy the dogs you pull away and then

look at the dogs and they're like yeah it's off-putting if there's a dog in the household yeah but a child is even worse because they're gonna remember it and be able to talk about it yes it's hence oh well don't know if the dogs could look at you differently but they'll never be able to vocalize it and that's the key thing they'll be trapped in their own minds with that image. How iconic that she has forever renamed what we now know as Itchy Legs on this podcast. So iconic. And imagine now being a fully grown adult and still asking your parents if they still call it Itchy Legs.

It's just one of those things that we're just never going to ever forget. I'm sure he's thrilled. He's thrilled it's made it this far and wide. Never to be forgotten. Never. And we got ourselves in this situation with our own itchy legs. Yes. That's what got us into this mess.

So technically, I just think it's an all-round winner. Everyone should be doing it. Love it. All right, time for another clip now. This is one of my absolute favourite moments from the podcast. And to an extent, it's so relatable. It made Soph and I realise how adventurous you all are in the bedroom. So I'll let past me take it away with the sexy nurse outfit secret. Hiya, ladies.

My daughter's school had a fancy dress day last year and i had no idea it was happening until the night before fuck the only thing i could find in the house was an itchy leg cleaning outfit an itchy leg cleaning outfit so i decided it was my only option in the morning i sent her to school with the little outfit on and a long dress underneath to try and disguise the fact it was a naughty outfit. Now Fancy Dress Day is coming up again and I've had questions from other parents as they expressed how much they loved her outfit last year and how much effort I'd put in. It makes me cringe so much now.

Love, India. India, you must have done a smashing job. Wow. I feel like we need to picture photographic evidence of this outfit did you take a picture of our India yeah is that weird of me to ask I wanted to just see how cool the outfit was not that honestly a door in a sexy cleaning outfit not a weird wow again makes me think I'm boring because I don't have sexy I've got a sexy cleaning outfit in the wardrobe also how many people have dildos do you have a dildo I just thought we were on the topic of this I don't know why it fell into

my brain why do you think of that I just thought you know poles lube sexy outfits are we just sex toys busting out with a dildo obviously if you're single maybe but do we just have dildos kicking around again straw poll straw poll of the nation. Let us know. Interesting. Interesting topics. Well done though. Well done. Yes.

Coming up with something. I don't think I would. Would you wear the outfit for stuff? It's kind of weird, isn't it? Well, it's not weird. It's not weird. It's normal. No, it's, if you're into it, fantastic. Yes.

Great. I just, I couldn't take myself seriously. I just don't know what I'd do in the doorway of just like, do I look sexy? With my nipple tassels holding some glow sticks. Wherever you be. Cleaning the toilet. Yeah.

You don't want to know. Don't ask. No, it's, I can't imagine myself, I'd be a terrible actor because I can't imagine myself like getting into character. And actor because I can't imagine myself getting into character. And I don't really want to spend that much time doing that. Got better things to do. Yeah, like, fuck me, I'm watching Dexter at the moment.

Can we just turn the lights off and just quickly make it faster? Yeah, too much effort. Too much effort, but go you. Yeah, good one, India. Go India. Mum of the,ia go go india mom of the mom of the wow clearly you were mom of the school yeah because everyone wants to know where you got your outfit did they ask and summers yes hands down i feel like this is the most iconic thing that could ever happen to anyone at a school gate when you have dressed your child in a saucy nurse's outfit to then have

parents ask you where the child's outfit is from yeah yeah just pop to ann summer's for world book day they've got everything in i just don't know whether it's genius or whether i'd cry i just don't know if i'd be able to sit comfortably all day at work or at home knowing that my daughter is wearing a potentially sex outfit I've just left her in there I feel like that's the kind of parent I would be to be fair because I'm so disorganized the night before world book day I'd be like shit I'm gonna have to get her in my sexy nurse outfit. What if somebody knows where the outfit's from

and they look at you across the playground like, you dirty buggers. Yeah, you dirty bitch. I've got that at home under my bed. Next to me old... Next to me dildo knowing you lot. You just went in straight then. You just had no inhibitions. straight in with the dildo

chat you know what they're like you know what they're like we've had so many incredible stories we really have and if you want to send anything in you can email us hello at secretmumpod.com or with secretmumpod on tiktok and instagram We've got more of the best love themed moments after this. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Cé Celine Dion. My dream, to be an international star. Could it happen again? Could Celine Dion happen again?

I'm Thomas Leblanc, and Celine Understood is a four-part series from CBC Podcasts and CBC News, where I piece together the surprising circumstances that helped manufacture Celine Dion, the pop icon. Celine Understood. Available wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com Welcome back to our Valentine's Best of episode.

It's time for another hilarious letter, and she's a beaut. It can be difficult to date when you have little ones at home. But sometimes you find that one person that you can't wait to introduce them to. And for this mum, it ended up being a moment to remember. I'm talking about the talking Fifi. All right, this is the last secret. It's from Louise. Oh, hello, Louise.

It says, hello, ladies. You never fail to cheer up a stressed mom of three including twins driving to work on a monday morning i could probably send you about 12 secrets but i decided this one is definitely the best yeah send them all send them all i divorced my husband when my daughter was 18 months old but i started dating a guy a few months after we had been dating for about three months when i introduced him to her he had never been around young children so i was little nervous. After going on outings and him coming for tea

for a few more months, we decided it was time he stayed over for the first time. I was bathing my daughter and he helped lay out pyjamas, et cetera. While I was drying her, he did this thing to make her laugh where he made his belly button talk and my daughter giggled along.

Then out of nowhere, she sat up. Oh, oh fuck Oh, God. Please don't tell me she fingered his belly button. Took a hold of each fanny flap. That's not where you thought that was going to go, is it? Please don't tell me she was talking with it. I made her foo-foo talk back to him. she was talking with her.

I made her foo-foo talk back to him. Ah! How does she know my party trick? Fuck! Can you imagine his face? Like, what the fuck? Never been around small children. Like, my mother liked... What an introduction to the family.

My boyfriend and I were in complete shock. I don't know whether he was going to laugh or run a mile. I was mortified, but I'm glad to say it didn't scare him away. As we are married with six-year-old twins now. Oh, my God. Are they boys or girls? And I hope they all talk with their fannies. Oh, my God.

I still tell this story nearly 10 years on. And my 11 year old now finds it so embarrassing. She did that to mummy's boyfriend. Oh my God. Fucked. I'm going to go home tonight and be like, hello everybody. Hello, Chris.

Wow. Oh my God., my God. Oh, my God. I just want to know his face was like, can you imagine? I think even Chris would shit himself now

if Dolph was doing it. He'd be like, get off of that. Stop touching it. What are you doing? You want to get one of them? Don't break it. Be careful.

It's precious, that is. Wow. It's just the fact that she got up and she did it bad god so she was like 18 she's probably about joseph's age now how fucking hilarious i just can't imagine now doing it with my big swollen fanny now then it'd be good you fucking like an octopus oh wow well fair play to him for sticking around.

I'm going to put it out there. That's probably hands down one of my favourites. I don't think there's enough. There's not enough stories like this in life. There should be more of this. There aren't enough words to describe the talking fool food. Hands down, categorically, the best story i've ever i'm actually quite jealous it never happened to me me personally as well i'd have loved it to happen to

me personally this was the most controversial episode i think we've ever put out that i actually got trolled for this episode of people telling me that just about this poor woman they just didn't know enough information on the story, did they, to just say, she shouldn't have been introducing him, she shouldn't have been doing this, she shouldn't have showed her in the bath. Yeah. This really got people going, didn't it, this secret?

And all it was was fucking hilarious. Yeah. She literally talked with her foo-foo. How iconic. I've been talking with my foou ever since yeah you won't believe the amount of stuff i get in the house now because i just straight up talk with my fufu to chris get me a sandwich i've been even better now i've been i've been talking to my every man i meet with my fufu it's my new way of communicating postman dhl open the door whack it out you get such a better response in life honestly that little girl was iconic so iconic

just the absolute pure wit I just wish there was photographic evidence or video recording of the reaction yeah oh yeah important to know of the reaction not of anything else i would just love to see this reaction to be like what am i meant to say slowly backing away away from the situation. All right. Brilliant. It's time to talk toys now. You've all been very open about all the itchy leg toys you have around the house, but sometimes your kids end up finding them and needless to say, chaos ensues. This secret had us in literal tears. So I hope you enjoy the dildo slap all right while you're topping up we've got another email here it says good morning ladies i absolutely love the podcast it's the highlight of my week when i'm doing housework or driving i was just listening to the dildo unicorn

episode a classic and it reminded me of a time when my partner and i had been away for my birthday oh no oh god she took a unicorn nipples. When we came home, my entire extended family was at my house for a get together on my mum's birthday. My parents had been looking after my children for the weekend. And at the time, my son was going through a phase

of wanting to sleep in my bed, regardless of if I was there or not. My dad was sitting at the table and proceeded to announce to the whole family that he had been woken up in the early hours of the morning by my son. Oh fuck fuck fuck i don't even want to know i don't want to know by my son smacking him around the face with my dildo oh no oh no Was it used?

I wanted to die. I looked at my partner who was here meeting all of my family for the first time. He was bright red. My dad then proceeded to shrug it off, welcome him to the family and tell me it's on top of the wardrobe. We get it. Life gets busy. Luckily with Peloton Tread, you can still get the challenging workouts you crave. Only have 10 minutes? Take a quick Peloton workout. Want to go all out? Chase down your goals with 20 to 45-minute Tread workouts. No matter your goals or time, Peloton has everything you need to become everything you want. Find your push. Find your power. power peloton visit one peloton.ca it was binned that very same day and we still laugh about it now and yes we are still together

oh god love to you both alex alex god bless your heart that is absolutely imagine fucking waking up with that fucking work. How did he know? Did he just get it out of the bedside table? I say, if you're going to rob someone else, I say go for a doorbell as a weapon because that thing would take your head off, wouldn't it? Oh, poor, poor granddad. You don't sign up to that

when you babysit your grandchildren, do you? Granddad would just try to have a little bit of, you know, a little bit of time just to be grandad, you know, relive his childhood, play with some trains, you know, have a great time. No, straight up slapped round the head with a massive dildo. Next thing you know, black eye from a dildo.

But he lived to tell the tale. He did. And he kept the dildo in a safe place on top of the wardrobe, which is what any good dad would do. And granddad. Gosh, what a dude. Took it like a champ, though, if I'm honest.

I feel like he took it well. He took it well. Could have been worse. Took it as well as any man can take a dildo to the face, if I'm honest. We've made it to the final clip. And it's safe to say it's a messy one. Whether you love it or hate it, our children always end up copying us. Sometimes it's cute and other times you really wish they wouldn't. I'll let you decide which one this secret is. This is the lube incident. Hello Soph and and emma first a huge congratulations to both of you thank you very much last year me and my boyfriend bought a house of our own and we got custody of

his six-year-old daughter this story was from christmas day and we were obviously very organized as me and my boyfriend had some christmas eve itchy legs who has time for that on Christmas Eve? What I hadn't realised was we'd left the lube out on the dressing table. My stepdaughter had obviously spotted it, as will become clear later. So we went to my granddad's for Christmas dinner. My cousin had a baby a few months before Christmas and my stepdaughter got a toy pushchair, doll and changing bag. I can see where this is going as part of her Christmas present. So she was copying what my cousin was doing, changing the

nappy, et cetera. My cousin got her hand sanitizer out of her changing bag and we wondered what was my stepdaughter getting out of her doll's changing bag? To my horror, she got the bottle of lube that was on my dressing table out. We didn't even know she took it. She said, oh, this is like yours to my cousin. And I just wanted the ground to swallow me up. My whole family was there, including my 80-year-old granddad and 101-year-old great-grand. Imagine the look on their faces.

Anonymous! Oh, my God. Well, at least hopefully they were old enough to not know what lube looks like. What, 101? I think they've seen a lot of lube in their time. I bet they weren't using it back then, back in the day. And the packaging certainly changed.

Just moist as hell, Tal Merritt. Or just dry old. Oh God, mortifying. Did she actually, I want to know if she actually squirted it on the doll. She squirted it out onto her hand and put it on the baby doll. Why is it so sticky? Yeah. So slippery.

So slippery and so thick. It's always a good time around the Christmas table when you're lubing up a baby, isn't it? Lubing up a doll. This sparked a whole bloody debate as well we haven't stopped talking about lube since this did spark a debate because i'm i'm not a lube gal but clearly i'm missing a trick and clearly we should just be having it as an everyday essential in our handbags really hand sanitizer tampon cream lube lube is the one lube is the one to be having but god bless Advertiser. Tampons. Nappy rash cream. Lube. Lube is the one.

Lube is the one to be having. But God bless her heart. The innocence of this, and people take it quite literal. It's quite scary how people take this so out of context. And it is just what it is. She just wanted to copy the contents of a handbag. She didn't know what it was. No. People just don't.

It is what it is. Just look and see the, always look on the bright side of life. All it was, was just lubing up a baby at the Christmas gathering. A simple and easy mistake to make. Easy.

I'd get confused. You don't know what it is, mate. So you probably would be using it as a hand sanitiser. It's a great lip gloss. Honestly hydrating so shiny so sticky i don't know is it sticky still don't know still haven't tried it what an incredible bunch of clips thank you so much for coming on this ride with us. And for telling us all of your crazy stories. You can send in your secrets.

The email is hello at secretmumpod.com or with Secret Mumpod on TikTok and Instagram. And we'll be back on Monday with our usual episode. We'll see you next time on the... Secret Mump Club! I think we were well out of time. The Secret Mum Club. The Secret Mum Club.

The Secret Mum Club. Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Celine Dion. My dream? To be an international star. Could it happen again? Could Celine Dion happen again? I'm Thomas LeBlanc, and Celine Understood is a four-part series from CBC Podcasts and CBC News,

where I piece together the surprising circumstances that helped manufacture Celine Dion, the pop icon. Celine Understood, available wherever you get your podcasts. Celine Understood. Available wherever you get your podcasts.