Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The BFF Key Rings

Episode Date: January 29, 2024

Sophiena and Emma might be taking their relationship to the next level. After seeing Amanda Booth on TikTok's crafty clay work they're thinking of getting BFF Key Rings in the shape of their bum holes (yep, that exists!). As their relationship takes this new high, they also hear from a Mum who needs a bit of advice on administering Calpol, and a little one whose midheard lyric is ICONIC. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, this is the Secret Mum Club. I'm Safina and I'm Emma and this podcast is a safe space for mums everywhere. A safe space to share our secrets because we all have secrets don't we? And as we know sharing is caring. You don't even have to tell us who you are. You can keep that to yourself, you can be anonymous and no secret can be serious or silly. All secrets are welcome in the Secret Mum Club! secrets can be serious or silly all secrets are welcome in their secret mom club have you had a nice week i've had a mental week have you another one no i feel like that is every week it just it's just never ending isn't it i did speak i have been speaking about this on my social media because i'm not really present on my social

media have you not been putting much on no because I'm a bit I've got my I feel like my head's so far ran up my bum hole that I don't know whether I'm having a shit or haircut some days honestly the days are just all amalgamating into one yeah they're all just shit no really is this because you're is this pregnancy is this your other two children no what's going on what is i think it's just a combination of everything it's a combination of my and i'm trying to explain this it's a combination of like my health along with making sure the baby's okay making sure the other two are all right making sure we're getting to after school clubs keeping the house going we're under renovation i'm trying to keep

all their family happy i'm trying to make myself present in everybody else's life while keep working and it's all just a lot it is a lot and i think i haven't been well my immune system's shot to bits and you've had a quite tough pregnancy haven't you i don't know if it's a tough pregnancy i just just haven't been oh do you think all this would have happened even if you weren't pregnant no because i'm not i um i'm not really a sick sicky person so it is i think it's my first one in a winter as well the other two summer babies yeah yeah so i don't know whether it's because of the winter and we're geriatric mums now yeah i am geriatric i am old yeah that's bullshit before anyone thinks i'm being generally serious that's the biggest crock of load of bull we're only 35 fucking shit yeah 35 call me geriatric my nan had me mum at 52 did she yes she did wow did you not know that you've never told us that before stop 52 my auntie

and uncle were like 25 and 28 when my mum was born wow my nan thought she was going through the menopause thought she was you know everything born wow my mum thought she was going through the menopause thought she was you know everything was just stopping to work she was pregnant and she was pregnant yeah naturally pregnant at 52 yeah wow and she had my mum that's what you call an unplanned baby that's wild isn't it yeah so her her siblings grew up more like to her like they were like an auntie and uncle yeah and then they so my myie, obviously I don't want to say their names, neither of them are with us sadly anymore, my mum's brother and sister, but they are, their children were basically my mum's siblings.

Yeah. Oh yeah. Because my auntie had children when my mum was born. That's mad. So like your mum's nieces and nephews they were older than her oh my god so they grew up more like cousins yeah this is nuts yeah or siblings or like brothers yeah yeah god we really delved into some family history there gosh sorry i digress that was sentimental wasn't it but i feel like that's interesting stuff yeah 52 stuff i don't ever

really share as well so that's like a little bit of my family history that is wild like people think now if you have a baby over 40 she's in between 50 55 i'm pretty sure i'd have to double check with my mum but i'm pretty sure my nan was between 50 and 55 that would make sense if your mum was like 30 or when she died and then she was in her 80s yeah that works out yeah but yes i find it really interesting so to me age is not just a number yeah so what is so hard when you try and explain it to somebody and when it doesn't come into like the age of having a baby doesn't factor into me because i've for all my life my nan had that's been normal for you yeah yeah so to me it's no i feel like now if someone has a baby over like 40 people are like people are so impressed about it like what the fuck like um courtney kard if someone has a baby over like 40, people are like losing their minds.

People are so pressed about it. Like, what the fuck? Like, Kourtney Kardashian had a baby recently. She's 44, isn't she? 44, I think. Sienna Miller has had a baby recently. I think she's in her 40s and she's got an older child as well. And it's been like big news that these women have had babies

and it's like... It's not big news. They're not that old. They're not that old. We're spring chickens at 35, me and you. Oh, I don't know about that. I don't feel like it. I feel like a battered chicken.

I don't know about a spring chicken. I'm more a battered sausage busting out of the seams. But no, I just think it's too much pressure all the time. I know. Too much. People just need to fucking chill out. Our people are pressed about me farting on the internet. Someone's always got something to say, haven't they?

You've been very windy though. I have been windy. I did been more so than usual just blew in from the windy city the windy city um yeah maybe a bit more i think because of the liver the liver is causing me a little bit everything's a bit squashed up yeah liver's causing me a little bit of grief and i have got some big old trumpets i'm not gonna lie and i. And I'm playing that. Come and play that song. People are so pressed about it. I know. And they follow me. Yeah, you don't have to.

You don't have to. And then started messaging me bashing the podcast. And I was like, listen Gemma. Don't bring us into it. Don't bring us into it. This is nothing to do with me. Safina's farts are nothing to do with me. I would like to take this opportunity to distance myself. They're everything to do with Emma. Safina's farts are nothing to do with me. I would like to take this opportunity to distance myself.

They're everything to do with Emma. From Safina's bum hole. Okay. Quite a nice bum hole. Well, I actually still haven't looked. Have you looked at yours? No, how do you do that? Just following up.

I still haven't done my... Put your bum in the mirror. I still haven't done my bikini line. I can't. I don't know how to do it. Do you want me to do it? Yeah, I think that's... Shall I bring out our own wax strips?

Like, just come round your house and be like, oh, we're going to wax today yeah i think that's bring out our own wax strips like just come around your house we've got oh we're gonna wax i think that's what it's gonna come to because honestly i don't know i can't do it i don't joseph says that when he can't do it i can't do it oh i can't do it i can't do it i can't do it i can't do my bikini line i'll do it i don't know i don't know i'm gonna have to go for a wax and bite the bullet i think also did you wait to do did you tell me whether you got to take your pants off for a cesarean i think you probably we spoke about this i think you probably have i mean i can't remember but i think you probably have because they're not someone she wouldn't really have to worry if they're not going to see fufu no but it's just general life between now and then

like i don't really want to have a huge bush for the next two months yeah stefan's not around so he can't help would you ask him he did say did say he would do it but I think he was joking. Yeah, I think honestly if I, and I don't know if I'd trust him because I don't know if a straight bloke

would be any good at that. He's probably never shaved his own bikini. He's never given himself a Hollywood. Does he shave his balls? Not a Hollywood. Could boys have a Hollywood then?

Yeah, some boys have it all off, don't they? Yeah, sack, back and crack. Back, sack and crack? Yeah. some people prefer that you know why because their balls are smooth makes your willy look bigger apparently maybe that's what happened in hannah's picture last week still can't get the that's how you get giant willy wow is it or the bigger the bush the smaller the tush yes the bigger the bush is smaller the tush and smaller the tackle bigger the bush, the smaller the tush. Yes. The bigger the bush, the smaller the tush.

Smaller the tackle. The bigger the bush, the smaller the tackle. But yeah, well, maybe that's what it is then. So there you have it. So he trims his pubes. No, I don't know. I don't want to know. You don't see him enough to ask him.

We don't see each other. Well, we'll figure it out. We'll get you bush. I was just telling you, we don't actually even see each other. So this was a, what's it called in the Bible? Anaculate conception immaculate conception mary yeah that was me yeah virgin mary um yeah i had a good week how was your week my week was good we made quite a momentous purchase purchase hit me bought a double buggy oh. We bit the bullet on the double buggy. I wasn't sure whether to get one because a few people were saying,

don't bother. Joseph can just go on a buggy board. I was like, I don't know. I actually think he's old enough to, especially longer journeys. He's not going to put up with that shit for longer than five minutes. I didn't necessarily buy a double,

but I had a eye candy and the basket was so big that Colby used to climb into the basket and sit in the basket. So I don't think I had a double stroller, maybe until Dottie started walking. Oh, really? Yes. So what did you do? Colby loved to scoot everywhere. Oh, okay. He scoot, scoot.

Even when he was like two? But you've got to remember that Colby was in full-time preschool wasn't he when dotty came oh okay so i only had him he didn't really have them well even things like nursery run though i'm gonna have to take them both with me obviously of course you can't of course i put the baby at home um so i'm gonna need some way of getting around and also what i did think i might do is put joseph in the existing pram and then wrap the baby in a swaddling or a carrier but because i'm having a cesarean i don't know how soon i'm going to be able to do that true which is something that another mum mentioned to me that i hadn't really considered so because i see people that have got two young kids doing

that all the time like when i'm out and about there's normally one in the carrier bigger ones in the pram yes but i was like do you know what i think i'm gonna need i think i'm just gonna need to do it so did you go side by side or back and front well went side by side because apparently those double decker ones are really heavy and like hard to maneuver i know a few few of my friends have had them and also we went to went to john lewis and had a lovely but terrible saleswoman who was like don't spend loads of money on the uh because we were looking at like a pound that's like 1500 quid she was like don't spend loads of money on that you don't need to spend that much money get a side-by-side

stroller for 150 pounds only thing with the side-by-side strollers we had one we had to get rid of it because it didn't fit any doorways well and when you're in a shop it's so uncomfortable because you take up the whole aisle or you don't fit down the aisle yeah well here here was my predicament there were no double buggies that i could find anywhere that were narrow enough to fit through the front door which is obviously a problem of course because if you get back home with two sleeping babies you're not going to be folding up that buggy no so we found one that was narrow enough and a few people had recommended it to us and it was the baby jogger oh oh so you'll be able to run as well so well no oh confused confusingly it's not

it says like this is not intended for jogging which is the most it's called a baby jogger which is the most misleading uh brand name ever so we got the baby jogger which is like a really narrow it goes through like all the doors in our house. So it's like really small, light, narrow, maneuverable. Joseph loves it already. Brilliant. But he loves it without another baby in it. Yeah.

Have you tried putting a dolly in there? Does he have a dolly? No, he plays with the dollies. This is the thing I think I've said on the podcast before. He's really into like playing with the dolls and theams, and talking about the new baby, at nursery. Nice. At home. Doesn't want to talk about it.

Not so much. He won't even acknowledge, the baby really at home. And every day at nursery, they say, oh he's been really excited today. He'll always say, talk about the new baby,

and everything that he plays, is always mummy, daddy, Jojo baby. And says, I'm going to be a big brother. Nothing at home. Have you got a dolly at home?

No, maybe we should get him one. Maybe get a dolly at home no maybe we should get him maybe get a dolly at home well i said to him in the side by side pram he was obsessed with going in it and us just wheeling him around the house i thought oh great that he's excited about it so we were like do you like your new buggy he was like yeah i want to go in it again asked to be strapped in and wheeled around and then i said are the other sides for the new baby and he said i don't want it baby so we're just toning down the messaging on the new baby a little bit nine weeks to go get ready joseph needs to be prepared more than anybody in this situation i've also got a hope that i have a don't have another massive baby because because the double buggy is so narrow the seats are quite small and people have said like you'll have it for a bit but then the babies will grow out of it quite

quickly okay so if i do have another gigantic baby like joseph they're probably going to be in that buggy for two weeks and then i'm gonna have to get something else and joseph himself is quite a big boy so i don't know i'd say he's he's normal did you see the picture of him in it he's like feeling it quite well already but what's happening now is he's tall he's getting tall and he's losing a bit of his timber he's sitting out yeah yeah they were saying at nursery he's getting a bit like they go out before they go up yeah he's getting lighter and a bit more skinny now so i think he might actually be all right and someone did message me on instagram actually saying they still use it for their kids and their three and four.

Oh. So depending on how giant your babies are. Just depends on how. Could get a bit more use out of it. Yeah, you've obviously done a lot of research, didn't you? Did loads of research. I've got to shout out Nicola to be fair. My mum was doing all the double buggy.

Go on, Nic. I think a lot of people will relate to this, but I think a lot of mums of a certain age are marketplace queens and my mum is a marketplace queen she finds so many good free cheap things on facebook marketplace so she was out there doing all the all the groundwork all the research for love that she went and picked up a bassinet for me to go in the in the pram i know she's a babe isn't she they're great so we're all set on that front but we went with completely two

different so i've gone for two but i didn't go for a system pram because they're a lot of money yeah and because we've had two before so i went with the doona do you know what i hadn't i'm having like frequency illusion with that because i had never heard of it and now i'm seeing it everywhere it's the one where you just click it's the car seat it's on wheels to the frame yeah and I'm having like frequency illusion with that because I had never heard of it. And now I'm seeing it everywhere. All the time. It's the one where you just click the car seat that's on wheels. To the frame. Yeah.

And that's it. There's nothing else with it. The wheels are actually attached to the car seat. And there's no like bassinet or you can't change the seat. It's just the car seat. Which I got that for the fact of one for school runs. Obviously do check the time because there is time restriction on car seats as everybody does know.

And you do have to just check on your car seat times, don't you? As in how long they're allowed to be in the car seat. So he can be in it for 30 minutes, but I got it for the fact of one, it's great for school runs. So I'll be able to just clip it and the wheels are already on it.

I don't have to transfer onto a set of wheels and get the boot out and so forth. So I thought one, being around the other two is quick and it's easy but also because we don't have any car seats now like when i had my two my sister still had babies but now my sisters are all grown up i thought when the baby goes to my sisters or my mom it's so much easier for them it's already car seat on wheels yeah yeah do you know what i mean yeah and then i got for when we're like bruising going for a stroll or bruising the shops or doing that we went with the yo-yo oh yeah yo-yo too they're really small as well really tiny really compact and i thought

it's great if we go on holiday yeah it's um cabin cabin cabin and it also it does have a little bassinet the little basket yeah yeah yeah so we went with the two and that worked out half the price of a system pram which is yeah amazing so i've got two prams two for the price of one i don't know when's the right time to open them i know we already assembled ours because we had to see whether we liked it or not not yes and if it was good enough for joseph yes yes exactly he's got a seal of approval from him when there's another baby in it remains to be seen time will tell time we're on the descend time will tell but it's going to be too late by then we're that baby's going to be out and it's going to be living with us what's your next week's episode forever it's been living with us oh yeah

forever yeah once the baby's out yeah there's no going back we yeah we're on the descent now yeah we've hit the 30 it's all downhill now we're in the last uh what was that the last quarter trimester yeah the last quarter quarter yeah we're on we're on the downhill shit's getting real shit is getting real so emma and i really want to hear from you yep we want you to join us in the secret mom club you're welcome you can share your secrets with us respond to what we've been talking about or just say hello you can find us on tiktok and instagram just search secret mom pod or you can email us it's hello at secret mom pod.com and we're back with another correspondence we actually had to do this before we started this episode recording because

emma doesn't remember the vine it was another internet meme that i didn't know what anyone's talking about it's really old just when the girl goes boom boom boom everybody say weho weho and she says come on guys everybody get involved boom boom boom everybody say it's honestly my i would it would live with me i it. They had to show it to me. And now that I've seen it, it is iconic. She just keeps saying it now. Weho. Everybody say, weho. All right, this one says, hello, Safina and Emma.

On my drive home from work yesterday, I was listening to your chocolate starfish episode. I was in tears laughing so hard, the people driving next to me probably thought I was crazy. Then earlier this evening, I started scrolling through TikTok and I stumbled upon a girl named Amanda Booth. You're on TikTok, do you know her? I don't know Amanda Booth.

Believe it or not, she makes butthole keychains. Is that like a keyring? Yeah, I immediately thought of you. Yeah, lovely ladies and a hat to share. Love you girls and your hilarious podcast. Sincerely, Brittany from the US. Keychain, because it's America, isn't it? Yeah yeah there is a link here though all right are we clicking it are you clicking it are you clicking it are we clicking it are we clicking it shall we click it

oh it's taking us to tiktok oh my god shout out to this lady's tiktok right are we ready we have the cutest pair of mother-daughter buttholes oh a but are we ready we have the cutest pair of mother daughter buttholes oh a butthole we have the cutest pair of butthole keychains she loves daisy's wine and she loves the ocean so i gave her a little crown of daisy's wine bottle and a super cute seashell um and i also did cat ears because is that her real bumhole they also love working out but i was a little worried to overcrowd um the bum hole i don't know i just left it there to be honest i've never seen a bum hole look so good brown hair she loves sunflowers and she is in nursing school so oh my god they're actually modeled on their personalities but their. But the actual bum hole looks different.

So did they send in a picture and she's modelled it off of individual moulds? Of their bum holes. I don't know. As well to represent their beautiful kids. But I don't understand. Bless you, Amanda, but I love how you're talking about this so seriously. She's put a fucking thing on there. Death escape because she's in nursing school.

Yes. Friends, which makes these BFF buttholes. She makes BFF buttholes. she's put a fucking thing on there stethoscope because she's in nursing school yes friends which makes these bff buttholes she makes bff buttholes is it really bad that i want us to have bff one of them gloss coat put on what do they do with them oh she's still keeping she's still going with the bum hole she fits a lot of stuff on a bum hole to be fair, doesn't she? So when somebody asks what that is, you just say that's my designer bum hole key ring? Yeah, that's actually a mold of my bum hole and it's got all my favorite things. And do you know what?

Me and my mum have matching. Not matching because every bum hole is different. Mother-daughter BFF butthole key chains. What a niche market. I mean, the pond is big enough for everybody. And I feel like there's room for everybody in this small business world. And that is niche. Yeah.

People are obviously buying them, though. People are buying them. How clever is she with clay, though? Yeah. It's basically a plastic. She made that tiny little Skephoscope. Skephoscope. Stefan who? Stephaphobe.

Stepha. What? Stephaphobe. What? Stephaphobe. Stephaphobe. What the fuck? What is wrong with me?

Stephaphoge. What? What? Stephaphobe. Stephaphobe. Oh. Stephaphobe. You got it it's death fuck right one of those anywho that's a really tiny really artistic really really artistic well what was the name of that can we insert her um handle here amanda booth let's give her some love amanda booth we just need to spam her with lots of love i think let's get her on i think get her on let's get her on and ask her for a small business shout out oh that was wonderful let's ask her if every butthole is

individual well they are because the the bff ones were different yeah they were different because they were had a different design on them but it was the actual bumhole different i'd have to have like bloody piles hanging out of mine. You could fit loads of decor in yours. I know, yeah. Just hang it from my piles. All from the hemorrhoids.

Yeah, you know. Just hang it out. What's that? Mountains? Do you like travelling? No, no, that's my hemorrhoids. They permanently just sit outside of my bum hole.

Yours would be like the size of a pancake. No, is that too much? Right, don't. Don't fucking push it. Don't take it too far oh thanks britney my bum hole's an average bum hole size all right we're gonna be triggered with people with how much we're saying bum hole i know people already don't like me because i fart yeah i know now they're gonna hate me because i'm talking about bum hole i know let's start saying chocolate starfish chocolate starfish but everyone please check out amanda and send

her loads of love in the whole entire world because that is niche that's creative what a woman i wouldn't do it and imagine she actually sculpted off of a picture of someone else's bumhole that is that is commitment to the cause yeah you know you can get your vagina molded pardon yes you can get your vagina molded like in plasticine or whatever and then plasticine yeah and then you get it um as like a piece of artwork afterwards and it's like your vagina immortalized in clay you can also get your bump done i did not know you could get your bum hole done are you taking the piss you put plasticine on your foo-foo yeah i haven't had it done but it's a thing well i feel like you know so much about these

things and i'm scared to come to your house and be like that that is the mold of my fufi i actually did want to get my bump done would you have to shave for that no i have to i don't think it would be a hell of a wax afterwards though wow pull all the hair out i did want to get my bump done because i thought this would probably be my last bump and i would quite like to you should never never say never well yeah you never know but i never know i would quite like to you should never never say never well yeah you never know but i never know i'd quite like to immortalize it and get it molded immortalize yeah like have it forever okay why don't you buy kit from home and do it at home people i swear someone did it from home i feel like it's one of my sister's friends i might do my bum hole while

i'm at it yeah um let me know how that goes why don't just crack up just go for the hat trick all three bum food from yeah you could get like gift them to family members if you gift me a mold of your food food serious fucking trouble okay just letting you know before that one gets out there okay smashing moving on to the next one thank you so much britney for messaging it yeah thank you thank you amanda yeah for your lovely for something i've never seen before bumholes all right this email says hi ladies i'm writing to let you both know to keep your children's teeth okay not only as a lovely memento but also if your children

ever need bone marrow or stem cells in the future they can get them from the dental pulp in their milk teeth i'm so sorry i don't know why i found that so funny what well i can't now it's in paris oh no you've got other ones though haven't you only one she. She's only lost one. Oh is she only Can I use her brothers? No I think it has to be unique. Wow. Thanks from Sarah Selly. Well Sarah that full name.

I feel like Sarah Selly is within the dentistry industry. Yeah. We did say dentists hit us up. Yes hit us up. Well Dottie will lose more

so you'll have more. Just make sure you keep those ones. I think she'll lose them I think she'll just pull them out. She's punched them out of her own mouth oh wow that's an interesting fact so interesting who would have known who would have known i don't know why i found that

so funny and i'm so sorry sarah that was insanely rude you didn't know that was going to be a serious message did you i didn't think it was going to be serious and i thought there was going to be a punch line of keep them because you could put them into your bumhole mold make it look like your bumhole has teeth you know that's where my brain went right we need to stop I feel deluded I've had so much paracetamol in the last two weeks I think I'm going mad because I'm a blood well I am taking paracetamols responsibly under the aid of a doctor, just so anybody knows. So there you go. Now you know.

There you go. If you need any bone marrow, get your teeth out. Get your teeth out for the lads. Get your teeth out for the lads. Anywho. So you can get in touch with us on anything at all. Yeah. Quite literally.

Literally. It can be serious. Or it can be silly. Silly. And you can be totally anonymous. Because between us, we've probably heard it all before. And remember, we're all in this together. And we know that we are.

We're all stars. And we see that. Each week, we'll be sharing our secrets and yours in the Secret Mum Club. My secret this week may not be, it may really not be a secret because I have already talked about it. On Instagram. So yeah, we went swimming. You went? Well, not me personally.

I wasn't in my swimsuit. But we took the babies to the swimming club. You were allowed back in. I thought I would, you know, brace my face and get on in there because I thought I can't leave it any longer. It's getting awkward. I need to turn up now. Did you wear a disguise? I didn't. know, brace my face and get on in there. Because I thought, I can't leave it any longer. It's getting awkward. I need to turn up now. Did you wear a disguise?

I didn't, no. I just went bareback. Yeah. Straight in dry. I didn't fuck about. So we all pulled up. We went in the car in all of our onesies and stuff. Because it was freezing cold.

Got to the pool. And it was, well, the babies went in. They ran on ahead. And they quickly got undressed to go into the pool. And it was, well, the babies went in, they ran on ahead and they quickly get undressed to go into the pool. And it was like evacuation stations. All these people just started flooding out, flooding out of the swimming pool. And they were like, no, no, no, there's no swimming today. I was like, fuck, I didn't check my emails.

Floater. That awkward, that awkward, that awkward moment of like, shit, I didn't check my emails. What's happened? There's no swimming today. Someone took a shit. In the pool. There's no clarity right now no one knows enough information and i'm actually really when all the mums were coming out i was asking so many questions i was like we need to go back in we need to be asking one was it an adult poo or a child's

poo has it only just happened has it been sat in a pool for a really long time i had so many questions about the floaty but all i could think was kevin and perry and that big massive poo literally colby woke up today and was like as monday is our swimming day and we're here and it's been a week since we've been swimming colby said i really hope someone shits in the pool today yeah that's what he said and i said one i don't think anyone else is going to take a poo in the pool today yeah that's what he said and i said one i don't think anyone else is going to take a poo in the pool it's like maybe they take a pee they just swell the beer yeah they're gonna close it for that week they're like can you believe someone took a shit in the pool went

around to my mum's they were like we didn't go swimming this week grammy someone took a shit in the pool all everybody that we've met this week the babies have been like someone took a shit they need to know that that's like not a common thing that happens. Like it's probably not going to happen again, maybe even in your lifetime. I don't know. I feel like it's a really common thing.

I feel like it's a lot that it's taken us this long to get. How many times has it happened to you? Well, I haven't pooped in a pool. No, but like that you've had to be evacuated from a pool because of a floater. Well, I don't know. Someone could just fish it out, couldn't they? Couldn't they?

Well, did you find out? Was it a child? Was it an adult? We don't know. We've got to wait till today it out, couldn't they? Couldn't they? Well, did you find out? Was it a child? Was it an adult? We don't know. We've got to wait until today's session, haven't we? I famously was that person when I was a baby. You took a poo in the pool? Shit, in a public pool.

Yeah. I think, to be fair, I was quite a young baby. And I think I was in the pool with no nappy, which was a stupid decision by my parents. So I pooed in the pool. Sorry about that. Never showed my face there again. Did you not go back? No, I did. I was there having swimming lessons my parents. So I pooed in the pool. Sorry about that. Never show my face there again. Did you not go back? No, I did.

I was there like having swimming lessons my whole life. Oh. They obviously let me back in. So of course, I was cold, but you're going to have to go back. Yeah. And he just said,

he goes, oh, wasn't it when we come out of the pool and we were trying to get in the car and get, cause the car park was rammoed because everyone was trying to get in the car. You make it sound like a scene

from like an end of the world film. It was honestly, world it was honestly everyone and it was all in slow motion everyone was like like there's a massive joint on this thing but the class that had the poo situation were coming out and then everybody that had got ready to go into the next swim lesson after that one had to get out to clean it it was literally rammed in the main room it was packed solid hectic and colby was like isn't it funny mum i just said at home i hope um we get to swimming and we can't we can't swim something

happens he got in the car he manifested it who knew someone took a shit in the pool and now we can't colby masterminded the whole thing I reckon he really doesn't want to go swimming does he but after the advice of Claire wasn't it last week

after the advice of Claire I am definitely going to give it a try because I keep thinking about it and I just keep thinking it's a lot

of money Colby is traumatised I'm not going to lie the lad hates it there isn't one bit of it he likes and under a more... So Claire's advice was she just taught her children to swim on holiday themselves.

In a relaxed environment. In a relaxed environment, he might be more up for it. You can catch up on Thursday's episode. We talked about it on Thursday. Yeah, it was on Thursdays, wasn't it? But yeah, I just feel like putting him in a more of a warmer pool. Yeah. Maybe with this, somewhere maybe there's a slide yeah

somewhere that's a bit more fun and takes his mind off of the fact of the importance obviously it's very important to know the safety of swimming but i just think i don't know maybe that's how we learn better but i think we need to do it one when the babies come yeah baby sorry when the baby comes um and two when it's a bit warmer yeah nothing worse leaving the poland it's baltic no i feel like my nipples it was bloody freezing last week i didn't even swim and i thought my nipples were gonna fall off jeez i went to work one morning it was minus five yeah it's been wild isn't it really cold really cold no snow though no how boring too cold for snow but that was my secret it wasn't really much of a secret because i did share it on instagram but i just thought it

was a funny one i just think it's absolutely hilarious it's more funny in the fact that the children just told everybody someone took a shit in the pool i was like i don't think it and it was the fact that he was like oh do you think it was mel ah the teacher swimming instructor yeah i was like then she was like i can't be arsed with my lessons for the rest of the day do you know what i'm just gonna lay one out in the pool and cancel the rest of my schedule do you know what as well is something i thought of being a swimming teacher let us know if you are a swimming teacher obviously i could just ask her i could ask mel yeah she'd probably let me know but that's that's a long time in water isn't it

yeah like i love the water but they must be pruning is it back to back like yeah hour to hour to hour in the pool she must be so pruney she oh i don't know i'd never look at her and go you're giving date vibes you know you're giving no raisiny vibes she doesn't look shriveled she doesn't she does look a little bit cold though some days yeah god is it cold in there i'll be freezing yes maybe you get to the point where you're like immune to it like so much of your body is swimming for your joints i feel like it'd be bad for your joints just to be constantly a mermaid it's like mermaid vibes well what do mermaids do they live under the sea don't they yeah i know but we can't speak to her y'all unfortunately we tried to reach out to her

she can't she can't so the second best thing is a swimming instructor yeah do let us know do let us know holler at your gals. That's my secret. So next, we'll be hearing some of yours on the Secret Mom Club. Monopoly Double Play is back at McDonald's and it's easy to get into the win. First, you peel on pack. This is me winning a Universal theme park vacation! Then, again in-app. And me in a new Chevrolet Equinox RS.

There are millions of prizes, including a chance to win cash every minute in the app. Cash doesn't make any noise, but it's awesome! Get into the game with Monopoly Doubleplay at McDonald's. While supplies last, 1 in 5 chances to win GameCube prizes at outset. Chances to win Double Play prizes based on time of code entry and draw prizes based on number of entries in each draw. See rules in app. This is the Secret Mom Club, the safe space for you to share your secrets. And we've got three secrets for you we're going to be discussing this week.

So Emma, hit us off with number one. Hello, I have an embarrassing story to tell. Do share. We are a military family and live in a military town. My daughter, who is 20 months, recognises her dad's uniform now. So when we walk to town, she likes to point all the men in their uniform

and loudly shout, Dad! Joseph went through that phase of just calling everyone Daddy. It made me look very promiscuous. This happens to every male in uniform who walks by and as you can imagine, that's a lot of men. I have to say loudly, no, that's not Daddy. He's at work.

I have never walked so fast through a town. Lisa. Oh, no, Lisa. I love it so much. I bet they get that all the time though because they all look the same and they live they do. Because they all look the same and they live in a town where they all look the same. I've had so many wonderful encounters with like men

who have, like the babies have referred to them as dad. Yeah. And there was this one where we were in Sainsbury and Colby kept referring to this man. He was like, daddy money. And he kept saying to him, daddy money. And he was like, no, no. If you, if I was your your dad there would be some serious questions and some serious problems and bless

he was indian with a turban yeah had a turban on and bless his heart and he took it like such a champ like he took it so well he was like i think your mom would be having some questions with your um beautiful blonde hair but he took it it was only a young lad as well but i've had so many encounters where it's been it's funny how people react like i think some people don't know how to take it like especially normally if they're younger yes okay and then if i'm not your dad and then some people just absolutely embrace it yeah and are hilarious but don't feel um don't feel embarrassed i used to feel a little bit embarrassed because I was like... Did you? It's making it look like all of these men,

Joseph thinks all of you are his dad. But they're not, obviously. Obviously. Well, we were just talking about how little I see Stefan. So who really knows who the dad is? Do you know what I mean? Only you. Only I know of Joseph and of this new one.

Time will tell. I just love it. I'm? Only you. Only I know of Joseph and of this new one. Time will tell. I just, I used to love it, I'm not gonna lie. I didn't get out much. I had a very fucking sad, sad little life on my own. I was a stay-at-home mum. And the only time you go out to the shops, the only interaction you get is, yeah. Even now though, saying that I do love going to a cashier

to have interaction with somebody. You also like talking to people. I do really like talking to people. Whereas for me, it forces conversation with strangers that I'm actively going to a cashier to have interaction with somebody. You also like talking to people. I do really like talking to people. Whereas for me, it forces conversation with strangers that I'm actively trying to avoid. Thanks, Jota. Oh, but Lisa, honestly, don't you worry. That's really sweet.

Yeah, it's funny. I think it's really sweet. But I can imagine in that moment as to how she felt. Yeah, yeah. Yes. But they all look the same, to be fair to her. And in the same uniform so yes okay so should we hit it off with number two all right this one says hi ladies love your

podcast thank you so much thank you i have a beautiful eight week old oh congratulations it's a tough gig but i love it i'm trying to figure it all out and it's hard to know the right way to do anything i I currently have a dilemma. I can't figure out how to get cow poll in a breastfed baby post jabs. The struggle is real. Any help would be appreciated. Daisy. I'm just trying to remember this now.

I'm trying to cast my mind back. Oh, so we had loads of funny things with cow poll. We're doing it. As to doing it. Obviously, we used to, I used to put it in the teat bottle. Yeah. So I used to pour the cow poll into the teat bottle bottle and let them suck it because they were both bottle fed babies um but dotty was really funny with cowpull because she didn't like it so i used to have the the

little syringes you know the we said about the colostrum yeah and i used to just put it into her cheek inside yeah the side of her cheek or if she's dummy we had a spare dummy that we used to inject the cowpull into the dummy tea and then she used to just suck it out or you can get them god there's me just like yeah you know the ones with the fruit when you put the fruit in them and they can chew the bag yeah we used to put it into because you get plastic rubber ones i don't know i want to say the brand was nubby yeah isn nubby yeah sorry rather than it being the mesh blanket when you can get one that's plank plastic yeah and where they're teething I used to just freeze it and then it just the cowpile would just well cabled I don't think this

couple face no it doesn't freeze but it was cold yeah chew on that Oh genius I did but don't see was really funny we're taking cowpull whereas colby wasn't at all colby was like could never get enough of it it takes them a while doesn't it like getting it down joseph when he was a baby was hard but now that he's like got his own taste and he's a toddler he's he's like more more more even when i've given him the full dose more i'm like you can't have any more but he loves it yeah sees that pink bottle coming he's like gagging free yeah whereas dotty hated it for ages i used to love it when i was little i used to make up reasons excuses for my parents to give

it to me i wonder if could you put it on the on the boob on the boob i used to have this problem with vitamin d because you're supposed to give them vitamin d if they're i think more so if they're breastfed because um formula has all the nutrients in it but if they're breastfed you're meant to give them separate vitamin d and it was impossible to give it to them because if she's on the boob then could you it's like a droplet could you do the little tiny syringe the thin syringe and put it into the side of her mouth while she's on the boob? While she's feeding. But then it would break the latch, wouldn't it? Would it break?

Yeah, so with the bottle, I used to be able to do it with the bottle, with Dottie. Yeah. So if I had the bottle, I used to rest it on my legs with the bottle, and I used to syringe it in while she was drinking her milk. But, yeah, I don't know if they'd lose the latch on the boob. Yeah. I mean, you could sneak it in there, like, at the end of the feed or something. To be fair, I didn't have as many creative ideas as you i just used to shoot it in with the

cowpulser range and just put it in the inside of the cheeks so they don't choke yeah always into the side of the cheek that's something that i got told really early well i learned that lesson after i didn't did you basically shot it straight down the back of his throat he was like yeah because we had we were administering loads of shit because he was really colicky baby so we also had gripe water and infocol that he used to have so there was all sorts all coming in there that we had to work out how to get it into him colby had to have antibiotics because he had we had acid reflux and stuff like that so he had yeah infocol gaviscon which we were given to him like sometimes

it went in the milk but there was other medication that you had to have so they told us to just put it into the side of their mouth yeah rather than shoot it down the back chris even now gets so paranoid bless his heart yeah no that's a good shout because the infacol dropper you could maybe suck up the or something similar it's like a pipette and you could drop the cowpaw in with that because it's a bit more gentle than the syringe sometimes the syringe is a bit aggressive it all comes out in one go that's what i mean if you've got them little purple ones that you could people collect the claustrum with which you can get from the pharmacy yeah they have a smaller teat on them and they're slimmer so it might fit into the side of her mouth a little bit easier you're right without

breaking the latch get those on amazon you can get them on amazon thank you for that but i hope that helps daisy do let us know how you get on. Yeah, good luck. If you do find something that works, let us know. Let us know so we can share with the sisters. Yeah. Share with the sisters. Right, let's have the last one.

All right, this one says, hi. In the bum. No, thank you. This one says, hi, lovely ladies. Love listening to your pod and always find myself giggling at my desk at work. Yesterday, on the way home from school, we were in the car singing the classic tune funky town by lips inc is that won't you take me to funky town funky town yeah i'm gonna say it is my seven-year-old girl started singing it only she was saying fuck town. Please tell me it was fuck your town.

This is a bit of Joseph, this is. She was saying, won't you take me to... Fuck a cow. That is so dot as well. Fuck a cow. Fuck a cow. Won't you take me to... Fuck a cow. Fuck a cow. Won't you take me to fuck a cow? I stopped and checked what she said.

As my five-year-old son asked, Mum, what's fuck a cow? I didn't answer as I was trying to decide how to approach this. He then followed up with, Mum, how do you fuck a cow? Mum! Just tell me how you fuck a cow mom just tell me i need to know i really had to stop myself laughing and just explained it was actually funky town from tracy please just tell me how you fuck a cow just let tell me just tell me for god's sake what's wrong are we all not just fucking cows just take me to fuck a cow

oh my god Tracy that has made my day that is iconic I'm never going to sing it the same again no we're all going to be singing

fuck a cow it's like I thought cow shot I've said about this before haven't I I said to my dad generally in the car once

oh is cow shot the place that they go to shoot the cows it's just a place but oh it's cow shot the place that they go to what's cow shot shoot the cows it's a place but it's not cow shot it's cow shot oh cow shot it was just the way people were saying it oh just me cow i thought it was cow shot i thought it was a place where they took the cows to be shot and my dad was like one it's not cow shot it's cow shot and no they don't go there to kill the cows i mean it was only last week so give a girl i love it give you guys some right misheard lyric my sister always thought

chasing waterfalls by tlc was jason waterfalls which i think is really common it's quite common but that's all my brother used to sing that song i'm blue abadie dabadie oh yeah my brother used to sing i'm blue and i'm in need of a guy and now every time i sing it i'm blue i'm in need of a guy yeah that's the thing it ruins it forever i'm like don't go jason waterfalls who the fuck is jason waterfalls who the fuck is jason when he's at home yeah holler at us jace mr waterfalls i wonder if there is a jason waterfall in the world oh my god can you imagine that would be amazing the power of social media see if we can find a jason waterfall don't go jason i wish that was my name i might change it please stick to the rivers

that's a tune that is it's banger isn't it yeah i think i think though that i've got words wrong i think i still do get words words and lyrics yeah all the time all the time yeah my mum's the best for it though i feel like when your mum does it and she's in the kitchen she's getting a little bit jiggy on the roast and she sings it you just sing that's not what it says fucking hell mum what are you doing she's so happy i don't have the art to tell her i know she's popping away she'll be like oh do you remember that song you know the one the one about a boy and you're like yeah yeah cheers mom and then it's got nothing

to do my mom's right of lyrics but she's flat as so she'll be like oh do you remember this song and she'll sing it totally out of tune i'm like what i've never heard that before in my life and she actually plays it and i'm like that is a totally different song or the melody yeah my mum doesn't get the melody like she used to sing there was a song that colby loved um oh what was the song when he used to say about that he's um he used to sing about his mom oh fuck now i'm doing me mom talks to me about songs about moms it was a song and it basically said that you're um got to impress my mom that that don't impress me no that's shania twain isn't it yeah no it was it was a trendy song it was trendy upbeat sung by Stormzy and it was something about you gotta impress me mum what's the song oh she used to

sing it but it was like a rap song and it was really like like rappy and then my mum would be like do you remember that one darling and i'd play it i'd be like well this is full on rap your mum busting out a bit i swear it was stormzy i was gonna piss me off now stormzy anywho anywho basically my mum would sing like a heavy rap song by stormzy but she would make it sound like it was the opera. And then I'd be like, mum, I've got no idea what you're talking about. Love my dearly,

God bless her heart. Thank you for sharing your secrets this week. Everyone is welcome in the Secret Mum Club. Yeah. If you want to share your secrets with us, you can. The email is hello at secretmumpod.com or with Secret Mum Pod on TikTok and Instagram.

Happy? or with Secret Mum Pod on TikTok and Instagram. Have you ever been to Fuck A Girl? Or are you in need of a poop shooter key ring? Let us know. There is really nothing too outrageous. And keep an eye out for our Thursday episode. And we'll see you next time on the Secret Bunker. Have you ever been to Fuck a Girl? Have you ever been to Fuck a Girl?