Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Big Boobies!

Episode Date: October 22, 2026

One toddler has made a VERY public announcement about his mum’s boobs, and we’re absolutely howling! Plus, the ladies are back swapping spider horror stories (and making us question whether we’ll ever feel safe in our own homes again). There’s also a lovely reminder from one listener to stop worrying about the future and do what’s right for your family right now. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

this is the secret mum club. I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. Sorry. We've just had the wildest, wildest intro to this episode. We just cut. That's going into archive and we'll never see the light of day ever again. We've just cut from a very X-rated conversation straight into the intro. So we're a little bit distracted. We're a little bit giggly, giggly-girlies. But anywho, welcome to your Thursday's episode. where we get to squeeze in all the extra bits and bobs from the week. Squeeze your bits. All of your comments, sorts, questions and fun stories. To keep you going through the weekend. Shall we jump on it?

Do you know what that reminds me of? What? That is a, you know, when a Facebook mum does the, don't, don't ask me questions. Yeah. Can't. Absolutely fume in. You okay, hon, DM me. DM. Yeah.

Don't DM. No, don't. We don't tell you. We can't tell you. We can't say anything. We will be cancelled. Actually, we wouldn't. It would be cancelled.

It was just like... We'd be cancelled out of our own lives. Yeah. It would be cancelled. It was just some identifying information about some people. Okay. We were talking a little bit about our sexual history. Okay?

What scares me is they have that stuff. They have that stuff on record. And if we ever... They could hold you at ransom. If we get slip up at work or we get sacked... We're talking about sexual history. I don't have much. Emma's is wilder than mine.

No, I don't have much. So Emma's, I will hold you. at ransom one day. If she ever tries to leave, I always say, oh, that out, out, out your boyfriend's name. Do you know when someone gets really famous and all these, like, old tweets come back to horn them? That's going to be us. When we, when we leave the podcast, they're going to go, do you, do you want out all the stuff that we've got in the archive on you guys? Also, along with those telitubby pregnancy photos. Fucking hell. And then bastards is ever going to see the light of day? The strong blackmail material, isn't it? Okay. I had to teach Joseph the meaning of that word

the other day, because he keeps, like, threatening me. And I was like, don't blackmail me. He was like, what does that mean? I was like, well, let me tell you. He keeps being like, if you do this, I'll do this. Or if you don't let me do this, I'll do this. I said, don't threaten me. Don't blackmail me. Gosh.

You're not the boss of me. You are not. He is the boss of you. He is the boss of you. Anywho, it's time for another. Correspondence Corner. So Emma, let's have our first one, honey. Okay.

It says, hey, so for Emma. Hello. I've just caught up on all your episodes. Yep, that's right. I went all the way back to the beginning and listened to every single one. Holy smokes, you really did clock in when they said, get the views up. You went back and you listened. Four years later.

That's a lot of our voices. A lot of us in your ears. I feel a bit lost now that I have to wait for the weekly episodes to drop. It was so surreal listening back. I follow you on social sofe. So hearing you talk about Dottie struggles with school while knowing everything was going to work out for her was such a weird experience. It got me thinking about everything going on with Renley and preschool. I just know that if you're going on.

if you could speak to future Sof and Renly, they tell you that everything will be okay. The best advice I've ever received is do what is right for right now. You don't know what the future holds, so try not to get caught up in the what ifs. Just do what's right for your family right now and everything else will work out. Thank you both for normalising every side of motherhood. I'm not a mum yet, but you've made me even more excited for when my time comes. Love, Haley, from the other side of the pond in Newcastle, New South Wales, Australia. Fuck me, she took a bit of everything.

Newcastle from England, New South Wales from Wales. And she's in Australia. Yeah. Also, Haley, you're basically from the future because what you don't know is this episode now is the third we've recorded today. So we've done last Thursdays. We've done Tuesdays. And now we're on to the next Thursdays. So we've sat here and recorded this is now our third one.

We've got one more to do today. But we just spoke about what I said in the last main episode. Yes. How weird. It's just like Haley from the future. But I definitely, and I do live by that. is take every day, live every day in the moment, know what ifs. We tried it.

It's not for right now, but it's not that we're not going to go back to it. Because we actually, have I even told you that? We actually have made a decision on what we're going to do. Yes. If it's still the same as what it was a couple of episodes ago. The five days, mornings only. Oh no. That's new information.

No, we're going to go back. So he's going to turn three in March and then in April, he's going in. Yes, I knew it was going to be in April. I didn't know what you were doing. He's going in April, five days a week, morning. sessions only. He'll be home by lunchtime. He's going to have a school uniform. So he'll get dressed with the other two and the same stuff every day, which I think is going to really help. Yes. Psychologically. He'll know what to expect. Yeah, because he's not going to be in his

everyday clothes. And he's going in every day, morning, every day. Nice. And then we're going to assess it from there. But I think that's going to be the best thing. But we will stick to it. Yes. We're not going to back out. Yeah. And hopefully by then, fingers crossed, if, you know, it is a possibility. He may be potty trained, which again I think will be a little bit of relief of my mind. Yeah. But yeah, I love that, Haley. Maybe we were separated at birth. Yeah. You and me? That does sound like a, yeah, she does sound like you. But gosh, can you imagine also, I hate it when the new series runs out and you've got to wait or when a new series comes out of a series that you really love, but you have to wait weekly. It fucks me off. I even contemplate actually not starting

the series until all the episodes are out. You're a bingeer. Yeah, I'm a binge. Yeah. I'm a right. There's nothing worse than when everything you're watching comes to an end. I sit down in the evening and I think, well, what am I going to do now? I know. And then you've got to find something else to get into. And start in a new thing. It's like starting a new book. That's so hard.

It's really hard to get into it. Yeah. Oh, thank you, Haley, so much. Thank you. So incredibly kind. Okay, I've got one last message. It says, hi, ladies. Hello.

I've just been listening to the spider episode. Oh, fuck, saying, not this again. We just had a spider secret in the last Tuesday episode. And it's making us itch. I can't handle the spiders. I've just been listening to the spider. episode and I had to share my spider story as my daughter's friends think it's iconic. Oh gosh.

Probably the completely wrong thing to do is I suffer from constipation, but I love to read while on the toilet. Stunning. Well, one evening, I'm having a relaxing read on the loom. Oh, God. When a mohusive spider crawls under the toilet door and runs at my feet, it was so big, I'm surprised. It didn't open the door.

Or scare the shit out of you if you're constipated. I had no option, but to launch my book at it, I'm happy to announce my aim was perfect. Not very happy for the spider That ruined my long toilet trips for a good few weeks Love Anonymous Wow, what a ninja What, a nudge, I got you, She's got it, I hope it was a big fat, heavy book

So big, it didn't open the handle Could have pulled the handle Hello! With his eight left Maybe he was trying to help you out He heard you're constipated, so far Do you know what, I'll scare the shit out of it Literally, frighten the poop straight out

That is actually quite iconic It is iconic I was speaking to some of the school moms About my spider story Because better believe I'll tell it to anyone who will listen and they were saying that it is the time of year. Because we haven't lived in our house in September or October. And they were like around here because it's quite countrysideish.

They do start coming in. But one of the most horrific things one of the mums told me. Because remember I said to Stefan, they can't be coming in through the windows. Like the windows aren't open for that long and the windows aren't open that wide. Like I don't understand where they're coming from. Do you think they're already in the walls? And he said, yes, probably. Which is the worst fucking thing.

It's most stupidest things Stefan's ever fucking said to me. Or did they just merge out of the fucking brickwork? One of the other mum said is spider, they're already in your house, but because it's spider mating season. Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off. Don't need to, don't fucking tell me that. Nope.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's more of them around. What are they doing then? Liggering in the carpet? Yeah, just living. Shut up.

Just living their life. Shut up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Apparently they are. Apparently. Apparently this one. Because they do just seem to come from fucking nowhere. Like, I won't see one.

And then it's in the middle of the carpet. Like, where did you come from? Open up the front door and wardled his. way in. I don't know where they come from. I think they come up the plug-old, don't they? Oh, fuck's sake. Sometimes I don't check the kids' bath before I run it and we have had a couple of instances. Because they come up the plug-old. They come up at the plug-all. Oh, they're already sitting in the bath and then I just start putting the water in and because I just leave the kids' toys in there sometimes, it might be like underneath a cup or something and the bath is run and they'll

be like, mommy, I think there's a spider in the and obviously I'm like, well, I can't deal with that, so you're on your own. Good luck, kids. Survival of the fittest. It's like a bush-tucker trial. I need to raise them to be like my rangers, though, so they can do it like Colby. Colby. And I would say Dots is actually okay. Renner loves them.

Problem is, is Ren really loves ants. But he doesn't know that he can't just shove his finger on top of the ant and then pick it up. I try to teach him to just put his finger next to the ant and let it run in his finger. So he is like Lenny from of mice of men. And he picks up the ant. Very heavy-handed. He walks around with this ant. And he's like, oh, what are you doing, Auntie?

What are you doing, Auntie? Nothing, I'm dead now. And he's like, oh, no, Auntie gone slippies. And you're like, oh, yeah. And then he'll just blow them off. What? Just blows them off his finger and they're just dead ants. They're out of your house.

Yeah, they're everywhere. There's dead ants everywhere. Because he doesn't understand. He goes in the garden, finds him and thinks, oh, yeah. Yeah. Squishes them so hard they die. Like poor Lenny. God bless him.

He loved that mouse, don't he? Oh, it's very sad. So sad. So sad. But yeah, thank you for that. Yeah, thanks. If you want to come and live in my house to be a ninja, that would be great. Yes.

And swat away those spiders. What sometimes I do is just leave the cup on them. That's what I do. And I'd just leave it there all day and wait for someone to come and pick up. That's my tactic. But even getting the glass over there long, fucking spindly legs makes me break out into a... Where are you fucking living, Australia? Honestly, I live in the country now.

And they're massive. Are they horse spiders? I don't know what the fuck they are. They're just disgusting. Someone said to me, conkers. You said concours. And someone else said peppermine spray or peppermine oil spray. Put it all in the corners of your rooms and on your windows.

That stops them apparently. Fuckers. Fucker now. You look mental with all this shit in your windows. People are like, what is that a fucking white witch? So thank you so much for your messages. If you have any comments, thoughts or funny stories. why not get in touch?

You can email us hello at secret mumpod.com or with SecretMumPod on TikTok and Instagram. Next, it's time for one of... Yes! Secrets! Back, we love a secret on the Secret Mum Club. And you're all so good at sharing. So Emma, what have you got today?

If it's another spider, I will launch you out of this fucking room. And I hope not. I'm sick to death. I'm sick of it. Spindily spells. Tells. What? Okay, ready?

Yes. This comes from Ruth in Glasgow. Hello, Ruth. She says, hello ladies. Hello. I'm currently pregnant with baby number two. So the boobies are ever growing. Oh, we don't know what that's like, do you?

Show us. Show us then. No, I'm joking about. That was really dropletary. I'm so incredibly sorry. I actually had great tits when I was pregnant. I didn't think I did at the time, but now looking back, I'm like I should have appreciated what I had. But since then, they've let down balloons.

Yeah. My two-year-old son is fascinated by them and is constantly saying things like, Mom, I love your boobies. And wow, big boobies, mum. Oh, God. Yesterday, as we were leaving the house and getting into the car, he decided to shout over to two men painting my neighbour's house. Hello.

The two men who were up on ladders shouted back, Hello. My son then yelled at the top of his lungs. My mum has big boobies. The men laughed and carried on painting, but my son wasn't finished embarrassing the family just yet. My dad has big boobies too. But I've just got little nipples.

Okay, bye. Pond scaffolding I would have straight up falling on Can you imagine? They probably did us and time around and we went away, show us! Yes, I look left! Guisly look at it.

That's very discriminatory to builders actually. They're not all like that. Take that back, Saffini, you naughty. We should never just assume that men are going to shout, showish your tics. Most of them probably will, but that would be, I don't know. I couldn't imagine it. Sometimes I wonder if Chris has ever shouted at a woman,

show she tipped. He definitely hasn't. No, no, definitely hasn't. He's on site, though, is he? sometimes. Yeah. I bet he's seen that. What, boobies?

No. Chris would be well embarrassed if someone just flash their boobs at him. No, but I bet he's seen that kind of behaviour. Oh, 100%. Yeah. Yeah. To be fair, though, even when I was on site, I had a couple, but most of them were lovely. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't think we live in a world now where women nowadays are fucking strong as fuck. I'm hoping that's changed. And I've been like heckles. I would like a woman's just turn around and straight up knock a man out. Boof! You know? What makes me laugh is I do love it when people do the reenactment videos of, oh my God. Yeah, sure. I can't believe you took so long to ask, do you know?

I thought he'd never ask. I don't know what men expect if they were to shout that. All right, this says my other neighbours were out in their driveway too, so the whole street got a wee laugh. Needless to say, I got him into the car quicker than you can imagine. I love the pod ladies. It's been lovely going through so many stages of motherhood with you both, sending you both so much love. Oh, Ruth. sending you all the love, not only because you're raising an absolute legend. Because you've got massive tits.

And because you've got beautiful tits. And you are growing another babas. I know. What a lot going on. That is a real belly laugh. I need to hear that in a Glasgowian accent. Yes. And his little accent as well.

Can you imagine? Oh, gosh. My mom has big boobies. Gorgeous that, isn't it? It was fucking one of years. It's fucking one. Disgusting. My dad's got.

big boobies too. But I just got little nipples. Okay, bye. I don't know if we absolutely just done that savage. Your beautiful accent, we've just absolutely butchered. I need a voice note, Ruth.

We need Ruth, you send us a voice note, please. My mom's got big boobies. I just got little nipples. Oh, good, bye! My kids are so confused about the difference between boobs and nipples. They're like, why, Joseph will be like, why is Sadie got boobs and I haven't?

I'm like, well, at the moment she has it, and she's just got nipples, but she will have boobs. And he's like, oh, yeah, good point, actually. Dottie makes me laugh because she's like, do you think I'll just forever have nipples like you? Oh, goshy. You know, it's always the comparison to my niece who's got boobies. She's got a lovely, lovely figure. And bless her heart, she didn't get her boobies from me or Roxanne. I was talking about, I can't stop thinking about that.

Spider. It's making my fucking titsy. Do you know what I said this the other day, had an itchy boob and a lady said, I get itchy boobs when it's about to snow. No. What? What? What?

It's like the girl from mean girls, but she's like, my boobs can tell when it's going to rain. But it's always like, do you think I'll have nipples like you forever? Do you think I have boobs like Eden? I'm like, well, it's going to go one of each way. See how the chips fall. See what card you deal? Sorry about that, honey.

If you're anything like your mum, get on the unburgo nipples. Yeah. Oh, God. Testing boobs. There's about a 50% chance. dance is going to rain. Mine is just predicting what I'm having for dinner. Burgers.

Then let us know. You can email us hello at secret mumpod.com or with SecretMumPod on TikTok and Instagram. And we'll be back. Testing the weather first thing on Tuesday. We'll have more of your messages on our next Thursday episode. And we'll see you next time on the Secret Mum Club!