Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Big Bump Crew

Episode Date: November 28, 2023

We're back boo! After a short break, Sophiena and Emma are back in the studio... and they have LOADS to catch up on! We hear about the sickness, bath time methods, and as always, there is plenty of chat about bodily functions. Your correspondence and secrets are just as unhinged as this episode with one Dad causing a panic, an unfortunate interaction with a father-in-law and quite possibly the biggest secret we've ever had! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello this is the secret mom club i'm safina and i'm emma and this podcast is a safe space for mums everywhere a safe space to share our secrets because we all have secrets don't we and as we know sharing is caring you don't even have to tell us who you are you can keep that to yourself you can be anonymous and those secrets can be serious or silly all secrets are welcome in the Secret Mum Club. It's been so long since I've seen your face. There's a song in there somewhere, isn't there? It's been so long.

It's been seven hours and sixty days. It's been longer than that. It's been so long. It's been months. it's been longer than that. It's been so long. It's been months. Disclaimer, before we get into this, we've got no idea what the hell's happened in the last four weeks. No. That all the information that we're going to provide today, because we've been away, is going to be... It's all out of whack.

It's all tits and elbows. Yeah, it's not going to be chronological. No. It feels like a lot's happened and nothing's happened. A lot, but fuck all. Yeah, there's like nothing to, I've got nothing to share with you. You were like, what's been going on? So much.

Yeah. But not really anything. So much, but so little. So cryptic. I just forget. Like my memory is. You've been good though, because you've been taking notes. I haven't.

I've been keeping notes because I knew I would forget. I feel like I need to channel my inner Emma. Yeah. Or just ask your manager. Maddie, check my diary. Where was I on the 4th of November? Last time I saw you, I think it had been half term.

Yeah. Dotsie wasn't sleeping. Oh, yeah. We've got new microphones and they're full on. That was it. Dotsie had turned into the devil she that that really hasn't changed nothing's changed nothing to report on that one still sleeping with the devil um she's still cray oh no she's still crazy we've had a lot of things so we had the gender you did your gender reveal we have done the gender

reveal that was lovely how did that go down with your family because you did it it was on fireworks night wasn't it i need to cough hold on so sorry my chest is not the best tell me what went down so me and dotsy made a cake yeah um and we did a cute little video colby didn't really want to be involved in that but i thought it was nice because it was a nice little memory that dots can keep yeah and we made we had fun like making a little cake um and that was good and then we went over to my mom and dad's and we had fun making a little cake. And that was good. And then we went over to my mum and dad's. And we had a big family party for firework night. Yeah. And we bought a blue...

Surprise! Surprise! It's a bike! We bought a blue firework. And nobody else knew, obviously. And the children kept it a secret. I can't believe. Just like the engagement ring.

I'm judging my children. That's scary, isn't it? They are deceitful criminal masterminds that's amazing especially dotty that she kept it secret though i just don't even know my sister kept trying to ask her and it was the funniest thing because every time my sister asked her she just went i can't talk to you about this i'm gonna have to leave the room and she just my sister was like every time i ask her about the baby she just yeah i know nothing i don't know anything i don't know what gender the baby is my sister was like oh how's the baby doing she was like i know nothing yeah i don't even talk about it yeah i don't know the gender who's having a baby what yeah what baby i'm the

baby but no it's they did so well and so for the first time you can say on here that it's a boy we're having a boy my body is growing a boy. My body is growing a willy. How mental. There's a willy in my tummy. Isn't that the most weirdest thing in the whole entire life? It is so weird. I've got a foo-foo, yet I'm growing a willy. That's phenomenal, isn't it?

Do you know what blows my mind more is like when you're pregnant with a girl, they already have all of their eggs. You're carrying their baby. That might go on to make more. Yes. This is that loads of people in your uterus really i've got balls and dick in my tummy what that's so fascinating my body that's not even ever grown well like i've never had a willy it's just growing a full-blown willy yeah

and yours grew a willy yeah it's mental isn't it i reckon i'm growing another willy i've grown do you yeah hold on i think so i'm not that's not a big announcement because i don't it i reckon i'm growing another willie i've grown do you yeah hold on i think so i'm not that's not a big announcement because i don't know i don't know we had the 20 week scan didn't find out but people keep people keep reading into things on my instagram do that like i put up a video ages ago of joseph playing with a little pram in the park oh yes yes a few people were like well i think this is a clue because it was like a pink pram and people thought oh this people thought it was like a gender reveal that i was having a girl and i was like no it's just a pram pretty much if you go to smith you can only get a pink pram yeah like just a pram he just wanted a pram and i don't know but i don't know

if people believe that i don't know i feel like you're you can't really because one day you'll just load this ginormous massive slab of cake and then the next you're loading a roast dinner and i'm like what is what does what does she want what do you want i'm like what is it what do you want savory do you want sweet i yeah i don't know and i don't think you can read into like all the pregnancy myths and stuff because this pregnancy has been really different i'm quite excited though but i still think it's a surprise yeah because i don't have to have a surprise now yours is my surprise

so I get the best of both worlds yeah it's nice that we've done like a bit of both we've had a gender reveal yes as a couple

but we'll also get the surprise when my baby's born yeah of our other baby yeah so then you had a bit of

all I'm thinking as well do you know what I had a little dream the other day I thought why don't we book a cesarean on the same day? Are you having a cesarean? I've decided I'm going to go for one.

Okay. I'm going to just go. Yeah. Because, okay, correct me if I'm wrong or don't. You can say that you want an elective cesarean. Yes. And they have no grounds to say no. You can say you want one, yeah.

And they have no reason to say no. Yeah. That's pretty exciting. Yeah. All i'm thinking is all the rest i might book myself into the hilton sorry six weeks i'm just gonna parch no but it's annoying the things you can't do like you can't drive for six weeks there's i think you can't like lift well i don't know you can't and you know what all over my um all over my social media at the moment, it's just positive elected cesareans. I know, I had a really positive experience. You did.

But I would say it's not the easy way out. I don't think birthing is... I don't think either way is easy. I think both of them are just as equally difficult. But it depends how you're going to react. Like, I didn't find the cesarean recovery bad, but I think for some people it's hard. They do, yeah.

So, I don't know. And also, they might say to you, you've had two natural births you can have another one my bum hole hangs out though I can't I really don't want to lose my arse hole again

say that to the doctor and see what they say I'm going to say that I just can't deal with the pulse I've got prolapse I can't deal with those hemorrhoids in my arse again I just want a normal shit

if I'm honest and even now nine months of not having a normal shit fuck yeah it's the worst it's when you go in

and you have your first baby and you don worst it's when you go in and you have your first baby and you don't they say have you pooed and you naively go no and they're like oh look can't leave till you shit something's coming best relieved the moment i had dotty i was like oh i shit in labor i've had my shit time to go home did you poo in both of them no no no i didn't poo in either of them and i also hadn't pooed when i left the hospital with dotty i just wanted to get out i didn't want to shit in the hospital toilet i shit in the bath at home in a boiling hot water because my ass i was so scared i was gonna die i run myself a bath and took a shit in the bath i did wow literally two hours after getting home well i had her then

the next because i had her late in the afternoon so they kept me overnight. Went home in the morning, got home, ran a bath and took a shit in the water. I love shit cup. I love it when you talk dirty to me. You love a poo. I love a poo. Wow. And then just fish it out with a little net.

Yeah, yeah. Just the little net. With a glass. Chopstick. Picked it up like a little spring roll puffing the pools just puffing away on our pools and brush it down the toilet yeah it's actually a really good idea i already had a little net because i was i did want to take a water bath i did want to i didn't go prepared for that because i started laboring in the water but i didn't take a poo net with me oh that's really good thinking yeah look i've got it i got it from the pet shop

as well you know it's actually for fish i was like well at least nothing's going through the holes i think i have the net so tight so the fish don't go through yeah nothing's sleeping out of that no although i did think what if you have diarrhea in the pool yeah and what if it you can't scoop it up mess it well i had just mix it around we have meconium in the waters so that was a messy situation what'd you do swish oh i didn't wasn't really thinking when dotsy's in the bath and she has a wee in the bath and she's like if you swish it really quick the yellow goes and you're like yeah now it's everywhere thanks no it's just all around here if i say to her i say to her she goes can i get in

the bath with you when we've we've had lots of baths together because i've been in a lot of pain since being really poorly so i've been having lots of baths that was the only thing that was keeping me one my heart calm and two keeping my body yeah oiled up i felt like tin man like so every time i got in the bath dotsy was like oh can i get in the bath with you mom and i just got to the point where i was like i've weed in here darling she says don't worry i wee in the bath all the time and i was like okay and then i said to her i was great for your skin so the other day we were sat in the bath obviously this conversation completely passed sat there and she was just like oh i've got a trick for when you do take a wee in the bath just started we and didn't give me the opportunity she was like swirl it really quick and then the yellow

goes away and then no one knows that you've peed in here but it's great for your skin that's my girl that's my girl is it actually good for your skin yes really good for you is it and really great for verrucas oh if you wee in a shower tray if you've got verruca 24 hours it's gone good to know i always be in the shower it has to be your own wee wee though yeah you wee I don't wee in the shower because I worry about it

running down my legs what and then the shower just washes it off but you're fine to sit in a bath of your own piss that's a complete contradiction mix it really fast it goes away

just dissolved funny can't see it anymore yeah I just worry about the whole feeling of it just running down my legs because your wee is different to the shower wee

the shower water but warm water's running all over you anyway so you can't tell i just took a shit in the bath yeah you got no moral ground on this issue so yeah elected cesarean so cesarean there we go having a boy yeah what else has been going on i've been sick you've been really ill i've been sick sick sick that's why we haven't been here and when I'm not sick I'm tired I'm sick and tired it's been an it's been an ordeal I'm not gonna lie yeah but me and baby are okay yeah I was we're on the we're on the other side out but I was poorly so we basically had our children in need event didn't we with um TikTok yeah my management um and we did that which was really fun yeah but I think where we were all cooped up there were so we were all cooped up

there were so many of us cooped up in a little room stefan was there stefan was there yeah shout out to them they wouldn't let me go in the room i just wanted to knock and get a selfie so i could send it to emma and they wouldn't let me they wouldn't let you go anywhere near him because he's too famous celebrity darling so he doesn't mix with the he had his own room with his name on the door i know that is That is, I will stress. I did send you a picture of that though, didn't I? You did, yeah. That you weren't allowed in.

He had minders keeping people out. He did. There was people still outside his door. I have to stress that's not normal behaviour. Do you do that to him at home? Give him that kind of treatment? Listen, love, you sit here. He does have his own room.

But he doesn't have his name on the door with a star. I might do it though. Just to make him feel special. Just before the baby comes you know because once the second baby comes yeah sorry stefan you're right at the bottom of the pile now no he doesn't normally get that treatment it's because he was presenting the show but you were on it he did great and every every room i walked past stefan was just on the telly oh yeah because he was on the face was everywhere yeah it was yeah no but we um we were we were just around the corner from stefan but we were all cooped in a little too there was about 40 of us i think in two rooms that might

even be more but everybody was poorly so then i went back and i was probably the first one to get ill and then dotty went down quite quickly after me. And then we thought the boys had got away with it. Then Chris got really, really ill. And then he got better. Still, I'm saying I got better. He's not. It's been three weeks and he's still fucking going on.

I had no choice. I've got to suck it up and get on with it. But he's like, oh, it's so sick. Oh, they're the worst, aren't they? Fucking hell. Just suck it up and get on with it. And he said, recovered no no i didn't recover i had no choice but just getting on with it yeah yeah but god love him he done he done so much for me when i was ill because i was in and out of hospital as well yeah it was yeah it was scary and then our poor cobs felt so ill oh god

last week and he was he was up at the hospital as well because he was just so dehydrated and yeah really really poorly so it's been crazy yeah and we've had builders in the house i mean i've got no lounge my kitchen's being ripped out today all on top of christmas yeah so it's been it's been wild you picked your timing to be fair though it was only that i got a text message when i was in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. You forgot to cancel the builder. So what the ambulance come and took me away. And then the builder was like, oh, but this was off scheduled day.

I am here to rip out your kitchen. I booked it a month before thinking everything will be fine. And yeah, I'd completely forgotten. So now you've got. So I come home. A shell of a kitchen. Yeah, shell of a kitchen yeah shell of a kitchen well the kitchen's still there as a little bit normal but the front room's gone there's nothing there

is it going to be done before christmas oh it's no there's there's no ifs it will yeah i will make it happen yeah i will make this happen you need to get a tree up so i know and it's it's literally the first of december at the end of this week. Yeah. Isn't it? Friday, the 1st of December. But basically, yeah, my tree's going up on the 1st. Second, maybe. Real or fake? Stefan insists on having a real one.

Oh, yeah. Good boy. Boy, after my heart. The needles, pine needles do stress me out. It's not that. I just think, where are you going to store? I can't, I've got no loft. Yeah, we've got a loft.

I haven't, have I? Because Colby's in it. So I've got nowhere to store my tree. It's converted converted we should say yes it's not like a Harry Potter situation Cinderella

yeah Cinderella yeah Harry Potter's under the stairs isn't he yeah real tree next week I'm a bit worried about Joseph

just destroying it oh I think my two were never fussed by the tree no we went to a restaurant yesterday with a Christmas tree in it

yes and he took all the baubles off so went to a restaurant yesterday with a Christmas tree in it. Yes. And he took all the baubles off. So I'm. Maybe you'll have a naked bum. I'm a bit. Naked skirt. Top heavy tree. Yeah, top heavy.

Bit like me at the moment. T-shirt, no pants. Oh, crumbs. It's been a lot. It's been a lot. And I've got we've gone from you sounding like you're smoking 40 i know i'm all right now i'm recovered yeah i'm not but i everyone in my house has been sick as well so i recovered from my cough then stefan

got ill might have also been children in need because i think i think it was i think he might have been ill before that though again like stefan just us all ill? Maybe he was the super spreader. Oh, my God, he's the super spreader. No, he's been ill for like six weeks, but he does. Come on about it. They do like to drag it out, don't they? I don't know why, though. So he was really ill.

It's the cough. Did Stefan have the cough? Yeah. He's had such an annoying cough for, yeah, about six weeks. And even though he sleeps in a separate room, keeps me up at night. I said to him last night, what are you going to do about that cough?

Because I thought he thought I was going to say, are you all right? And I was like, because it's pissing me off at night. It's keeping me awake. He was like, this bitch needs to sleep. I get up early. You're quite a human. And then Joseph got really ill.

And then my mum looked after Joseph and she got really ill. Fuck. And I touch wood. I'm the only one left standing. But I think it's because, cause pregnancy, I had my flu jab. Yeah,

I didn't have mine, did I? Here we go. So I was delayed. And then I got a text in the ambulance, along with the builders, saying, don't forget,

your flu jab is due. Oh, a bit fucking late. Ironic. I'm dying of the flu now but i've had me flu and me hooping cough no i had my hooping cough did you yes yeah so i think that might be i think that might be why maybe maybe so there you go little rock star yeah but i'm loads better good well i'm so happy to have you back i'm so happy to be back into this goddamn podcast i've missed it so much so much i didn't I was going to miss it as much as I miss it.

Yeah. Well, obviously I missed it, but you know, like I missed it a lot. Like my heart was aching. Yeah, me too. Well, hopefully we've got a lot of good

correspondence coming up. Emma and I would really love to hear from you. Yeah, we want you to join us in the Secret Mum Club. You're all welcome. You can share your secrets with us, respond to what

we've been talking about or just say hello. You can find us on TikTok and Instagram. Just search Secret Mum Pod or you can share your secrets with us respond to what we've been talking about or just say hello you can find us on tiktok and instagram just search secret mum pod or you can email us hello at secret mum pod.com and we're hitting it off in the correspondence corner this one says hi ladies actually sorry it says hey ladies hey sexy ladies i like your flow uh it says safina talking about her subpar visit to lego land reminded me that feels like ages ago that was fucking that's like summer jesus christ so much has happened in the last three weeks it feels like a life back uh it reminded me of a time when my husband and i decided to take our kids to pepper pig world oh they like it because i love pepper pig before we left i packed the drinks and snacks but forgot to pack spare clothes for any to take our kids to Peppa Pig World. Oh, I think they like it. Because I love Peppa Pig.

Before we left, I packed the drinks and snacks but forgot to pack spare clothes for any emergencies. They enjoyed all the rides and my daughter noticed a small splash zone sort of thing. Yes, in the middle. Oh, okay. It's in the middle. She asked me if she could go in, to which I said yes,

forgetting I hadn't brought any spare clothes. So I had to walk them to the car while they were soaking wet and they had to sit in vests and pants the whole way home we stopped off at a petrol station and I went inside to pick some bits up my husband had fallen asleep and my daughter had managed to open her door and run into the shop after me I was walking down an aisle when I heard a voice yell mummy I turned around to see my wet half-naked child running towards me. We started using child lock after that. Lots of love, Grace. Oh, my goodness.

Your husband, did she say she went into the petrol station? Yeah. The petrol station is two seconds from Peppa Pig World. So he's fallen to sleep in that time. Again, that's an exclusively male attribute. That is wild. I hope he wasn't at the bloody steering wheel. That's probably why Grace was driving. Stefan's like that he can fall asleep like that really quickly wow i can if i'm at home or

like near a bed or sleeping the car the car is so relaxing i can't fall to sleep in the car because i'm so stressed that chris can't be trusted to drive to fall to sleep at the not really i watch him the whole time like again it's a man thing i just fall asleep are you falling to sleep and i say to him do you want me to take the wheel no i do it myself okay i don't want to emasculate you but i also don't want to die need you to keep your eyes alert stay alert this was like when i took joseph to the science museum little did i know there was a water feature there which he normally hates water play he was bloody dunking his top half right in there didn't have any spare clothes did i the splash part in um pepper pig world is wild it's a big like open and all the water shoots out the floor

oh yeah i love those big water drop of the bucket well now i know if i go there brings the other parents at the science museum said to me you always bring a spare t-shirt i was like do you okay so i'm not in the science museum club i didn't know myself a spare pair of pants today did you just say i wet myself yeah not shit just wet i just i can't control my bladder at the moment i pissed myself at the weekend did you yeah fully fully went through my leggings and everything have you got some pads no it's not gonna do the trick i don't wear a tenor lady do you well maybe you should i don't i don't wet myself that's a lie i do that all the time ah that's a lie i don't know how i kept everyone knows that's a lie all right we've got another

message here it says hey ladies i listened to you chatting about dotty's 180 degree flip yeah she didn't have a somersault. She flipped from being good to bad. Oh. She started flipping. I was thinking gymnastics. She's mastered a new skill. I can't remember. She's flipping down the street.

Flipping people off. Sorry. Turning into the devil we're talking about. I would say it sounds like a mixture of age and the new baby on the way. Interesting. I have an eight year age gap between my daughter and son. Her attitude completely changed and her emotions went all over the place when I was pregnant with her brother. on the way interesting i have an eight-year age gap between my daughter and son her attitude completely changed and her emotions went all over the place when i was pregnant with her brother

it will settle a bit but girls can have a hormonal burst at her age which could also contribute to it my daughter is now 13 and i swear some days i could pick my bag up and just walk out absolutely love you both and massive congrats on the baby news from ailey thank you ailey what a beautiful name a-i-l-i-e am i saying that right i hope so because i don't like it when you get people's names wrong i know i was gonna say ali but i think it's ailey that's interesting that is really interesting joseph we talked about this the other day didn't yeah because did i tell you joseph had a bit of a weird phase at nursery and they were like he's really unsettled settled at the moment but they were they were like you kept leaving him yeah probably because i kept

forgetting to pick him up but also they did say i think it's because he knows there's a new baby coming and he's picking up on something and i was like i don't know he's not even two yet i don't think he knows but if they're eight that and dotty at her age she would obviously she knows because when we went to school didn't we school told us about colby having a little bit of a hormone change yeah that happens around six seven yeah when he started school maybe it's different for girls maybe it's earlier for girls interesting so interesting she's like she's obviously excited about oh she's beyond the baby coming if anything i would say she's too excited yeah like she's kissing my belly all the time she'll just happily get the belly out in the restaurant and just start reading him a book maybe she's having like a subconscious like

thing about there being another i just think as well at the moment it's a lot isn't it what with christmas yeah everyone's been sick the house is crazy she's just started school she's just it's a lot of adjustments you're pregnant change in her life yeah so i i would 100 agree with agree with that i think it's just a colby is so much more relaxed in the sense as long as it doesn't change his routine yeah he's fine he's not fast like as long as it doesn't impact his life he's not bothered whereas dots i think she's just a little mother hen she just absorbs everything yeah takes it all in yeah so yeah that might be um that might be it yeah she's she's been you know you you've got to take

the good with the bad they just have phases sometimes yeah sometimes so you just i just think do you know what fuck it you just gotta laugh off yeah because if you don't laugh you will just cry yeah you don't laugh you'll have a breakdown yeah exactly so i say embrace it embrace the shit embrace the madness all right one last message here it says hello ladies i thought i would share an awkward moment from when my son was three years old. My husband, another one. My husband had fallen asleep on the sofa.

What is wrong with these men? Wearing loose shorts. And I was doing dishes in the kitchen when my son ran in shouting, mommy, mommy. Oh, fuck. Oh, God. I can see it in your eyes. I can see it in your eyes.

Oh, mommy, mommy. Daddy's brains have fallen out. I walked into the living room to find my husband's balls were on full show, having fallen out of his loose clothing. I was quick to wake my husband and left him to explain to my son that daddy's brains were perfectly fine. Anonymous. As soon as I read daddy's brains have fallen out,

I knew it was going to be a ball story. What I want to know is how does a three-year-old know that they read daddy's brains have fallen out i knew it was going to be a ball story what i want to know is how does a three-year-old know that they're daddy's brains he must be his mummy must be like he's thinking with his thinking with his brain in his pants i don't think the toddler is thinking he thinks with his penis i think he was thinking i've seen a picture of a brain before and they look pretty similar oh do you think yeah or you don't think the mummy said that no i don't think so oh my goodness they do look a bit like brains and think about it it's just the wiry hairs on them that i can't handle also men stop wearing loose shorts no pants it's disgusting case you drop a brain nobody needs to see that no one needs to see your wrinkly old please cage and it doesn't matter what age they are they are just so old

they're always horrible even on baby boys balls are horrible oh my god i was about to say i actually really like colby's little balls but not in his aren't too wrinkly and old but yeah they're just they're just a peculiar little they're just odd very odd i would love to be a boy though for no i was just gonna say i really wouldn't like to have i just want to know what it's like just have it swing in there swing low it would be a not it'd be like interesting to just wave it around like yeah or with my slaps back and forth this is such a girl conversation it's like when boys are like oh if i was a girl for a day i just squeeze my boobs sometimes i say to stephan like would you would you like to be like a girl for a day would you like to like not have boys can piss on a wall

yeah i can't do that no i would love the freedom to wee wherever you want and i'm really jealous of that. Yeah. And I think those public toilets where men can just stand and have a piss are really sexist. We've got to sit on a soggy, pissy toilet. Yeah, or find a toilet in the first place. Chlamydia, gonorrhea, genital warts, take the lot. But he's not interested in having a day with a vagina. He's like, no, I like having a penis.

I really, I think it would get in the way too much. We've got a lot of responsibilities as well, haven't we? We've got periods and carrying a baby. Yeah. There's a reason they gave it to women and yeah yeah there's a lot there's a lot it's a lot to do and if they're struggling with a runny nose and a cough god forbid them shred their uterus that's why they keep falling asleep all the time they can't handle it i'm sorry if there's any boys that listen to us we love you god bless you yeah well it's called secret mom club for a reason but dad's dad's are welcome dad's are welcome yeah men are allowed yeah boys are allowed yeah just you and what's with the hairs on the

balls too yeah and when they when you scratch them as well why is it so yeah just don't scratch them just stop doing that and stop putting your hands down your pants and then sniffing it have you seen a man do that oh chris doesn't do that people do it like on the tube though pardon yeah imagine what are they sniffing imagine a woman i don't know imagine a woman put her hands down her pants and then sniffed it i see men do it all the time or just rearrange like while they're sat in front of you i can imagine it's quite i can imagine it's quite comfortable yeah what i want's quite uncomfortable. Yeah, what I want to know is, why is the skin so thick on a scrotum?

Is it? I think it's quite thin. That's why it's like, you can see the veins. Also sperm need to be kept. I think the skin is thicker on a scrotum, isn't it? Don't ask Adam!

Alex, where's Ben? Producer Ben? Is the skin thicker on a scrotum? I'm not. I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this i'm not doing that i think it is thicker when it's cold it shrivels up it's definitely thicker no i think it's when it's loose and goose like leathery leathery yes i know what you mean yeah uh this is gone sorry i had to just wet my whistle but yeah that took a turn this i told you the show was going to be erratic today we

didn't know what was coming we just gotta be grateful for the time that we have just be grateful that we're here yeah because you could have nothing again to be honest and to be fair me and emma love recording them so much we couldn't not do it again yeah although i don't know how i sound on here do i sound bunged up to you you sound quite like sexy don't you hello Husky So you can get in touch with us On anything at all Yeah it can be serious or silly And you can be totally anonymous Because between us

We've probably heard it all before And remember We're all in this together And we know that we are We're all stars And we see that Each week we'll be sharing our secrets And yours in the Secret Mum club here's my secret this

week okay Colby nearly drowned at swimming and I've been so traumatized by the fact that I cannot handle that he was flapping around in the pool like a fish and the instructor didn't come near him that I haven't taken him back what okay you told I said, you told me like, I'm going to say like seven weeks ago. He was doing great. No, that he couldn't swim. Oh no, he can't swim but he was doing it right.

He was doing well. Yeah, he was absorbing the lesson. And then what happened? The lesson just took a turn. She was obviously fully in control of the lesson and knew exactly what she was doing

but Colby just came along with his noodle and she was like, everybody swim to one thing. Is that a float? That's a float. That's a float. That's a floaty. You know, the big long tubes.

Yeah. Yeah. Tube. Tube thingies. Spaghetti pool noodle. Pool noodle. Yeah. So they came along.

So she was like, everybody swim towards me. Swim towards me. When I say everybody, there's only three of them. Dot, Colby and another lad. She was like, swim towards me. Swim towards me. So they're just there. They've made a boat with their noodle and they're just swimming along like little fishies.

All of a sudden, Colby just, his legs just dropped in the pool. As in, like he was, he was swimming like on his tummy. Yeah. And then his legs just went, hmm. And he was like upright. But he, he didn't move his head. So his head was like horizontal swimming along like this. Cause you're like this way.

Then his legs dropped, but he didn't actually finish moving his head. So his head was like horizontal swimming along like this because you're like this way then his legs dropped but he didn't actually finish moving his head so his head's like tipping back so now he's looking at the ceiling shit himself shit himself because he's like how the fuck am i in this position i'm looking at the ceiling he's still holding on to the flow at least yeah yeah then he stopped breathing then this almighty scream just come out of his mouth and he was like, no, no! Shouting to the instructor to come and get him. And I couldn't, I was full on at the side of the pool. I was ready to jump in.

I was ready to dive. And I was going to the woman, get back here! Get back here! He's drowning! She was like, you need to calm down, madam. You sit down. Chris was sat on the sideline like, what the fuck's going on?

It's like you at football over again. Dogs was just going round and round in a circle. This other lad was holding on to the side of the pool like, fucking what is going on? Everybody in the class, everybody in this class, because the pool's split in two. So like one side's the good ones, one side's the still learner-y ones. So all these parents are looking at me. So then the ordeal stopped and she went to Colby.

This was only like three minutes into the lesson. This was right at the very start. So we still had another 45 minutes to go. So as it all calmed down and she got him to the side of the pool and she was talking it was just dead silent in the whole pool all the parents were just looking at me and i just was it bad or did you i don't know in hindsight did you overreact yeah of course because that's just who i am i love to overreact chris was calm as a cucumber just sat there like he's totally fine he wasn't fine i think it was a combination of the hormone pregnancy yeah and the i don't know i really don't know what had happened it was like a fish out of the tank and just flapping around okay no he wasn't he's been so fucking traumatized three weeks we haven't been back but his head didn't go under

no his head didn't go under breathe in the whole time and he had a lovely lesson after i think i'm more embarrassed to go back the parents didn't talk to me i left five minutes before the end of the session i was like come on children let's go you can never show your face no again i feel like i can't oh god i was so but to be fair it is monday it's swimming day today it is swimming day today so i packed the bag in the hopes that chris will take them yeah and i don't have to go through that leave chris to face them it was just too much yeah but we we we've we've been in situations where we could possibly go swimming again like i offered the children to take them swimming

colby doesn't want to go well no he's probably bloody traumatized yeah i think i maybe have scared him a little bit more though that was probably more because i was on the sideline like yeah and he was like that was probably more scary than the near drowning i was fully ready to jump in fully clothed wow yeah imagine you imagine you had at least you drew the line at that how did she miss it she's only looking after three children in the lesson oh she hadn't she hadn't missed it at all just yeah you just gone i just got tunnel vision on colby mama there yeah and she the woman looked at me like do you need some help yes have you got somebody can i speak to somebody oh god so yeah we haven't been back yes and then to be fair though i said the only saving grace is that we have been

like sick for a couple of them yeah good excuse yeah likeby, I'm trying to protect you. You can't go back to swimming because I'm, mummy's worried about you. But actually mummy's just mortified that she threw herself into a pool. I said to him last night, we've got swimming tomorrow and he's like, you're not coming, are you? I was like, do you want me to or do you want me to stay at home? And he's like, i would like you to

can we just not go this week and i was like oh no we need to go and then he was like okay maybe you could just stay at home oh no were you sad when he said that oh were you no it's quite relieved because it's fucking dramatic well thank god we record this podcast on a monday and you probably never have to go back just let chris do it but i've been going to football and football i'm loving i'm loving it living for the full soccer mommy oh yeah still screaming on the sidelines yeah yeah fully fully engrossed you're allowed to shout at football you're not really supposed to shout swimming not really under eights it's not oh no they're not competitive no okay and if you do shout you're kind of frowned upon a little bit but well i just i clearly took my mum football head into swimming pool yeah yeah

yeah the two don't mix it shouldn't cross yes soccer mums plus swimming mums so two different it's two different types of mums it's different vibe yeah yeah two different hats yeah to switch that out you can't do both no you can't don't you embarrass yourself and everybody else in the pool so just avoid that well you can be a soccer you embarrass yourself and everybody else in the pool so just avoid that well you can be a soccer mom and chris can be a swimming dad chris likes to do all of them oh does he he just likes to do every activity that the children want to do but yeah i just i don't think maybe the pregnancy and the and the the drowning just wasn't for me the pregnancy hormones are really right man i think mine have only just kicked in like oh just because you've been

mine's been a most whirl the whole time i was gonna say to you actually it's um how have you been doing because we're both in the same people keep saying to me oh it's because you're old i'm like what the fuck has no one told you this no if i go to one more midwife appointment she tells me i'm geriatric one more time i will geriatriciatric. I will geriatric her foo-foo. Honestly, I get so mad. I'm like, can you stop with the geriatric? I know. You are old.

Medically, we are geriatric mums because we're over 35. We're only just. Only just. Just. I mean, actually, when I got pregnant, I was 34. So. I wasn't. But I do think it's a ridiculous term.

You weren't. Yeah, yeah i was were you yeah when did you feel pregnant do you know the specific day i know the specific date but also they backdate it anyway don't they so it actually was like four weeks before that is when they date it from oh so i wasn't i wasn't i was 34 you might have been yeah june july time say but we were our birthdays are late july anyway so i was definitely 34 yeah you would have been um but yeah the the emotions have really been if you cried a lot i'm just crying at like ridiculous things like there's that reality show squid game thing on at the moment i cried at that the other day it's about people getting

shot with ink it's really bad but i cried at that the other day because there was a mother son mother son relationships and stuff like that oh it's too much for getting me oh yeah i saw a little boy at a train station the other day train watching with his dad i just couldn't stop crying at them they just it's so hard isn't it when they and chris was always like what are you crying at no you can't explain it you can't explain it i cried i'm a celebrity oh all the time marvin humes i just can't stop crying at the man like he's not doing anything wrong he was humping josie and i couldn't stop i saw that i was i'm chris was like oh you laughing no i'm i'm just crying because this is so emotional and he's like are you okay no i know i'm not okay goggle box gets me all the

time so you've got any cravings just such a sweet tooth oh yeah my sweet tooth is out of control i'm blaming yeah people will be like oh that's a girl uh i'm blaming pregnancy but i even when i'm not pregnant i'm just pig you do like sweetie stuff though i do i've got really sweet tooth yeah have you no i'm not i'm a savory you're savory yeah get me out a party buffet oh the kids have fingered all the food. Yeah. My favourite. Half-eaten sausage rolls. Get those in there. No, I'm savoury.

Just anything mashed gravy. So whether it's pie-mashing gravy, sausage-mashing gravy, or mash and gravy on my roast dinner. I don't really want roast potatoes. Just mash. I don't want it crispy. I want it slop.

Slop. Yeah. I'm really craving those like hearty comfort food foods yeah because it's got chili as well haven't it i'm doing a lot of i made a toad in the hole yeah bangers and mash roast dinners yeah cottage pie stuff like that yeah yeah yeah yeah but that was my secret this week we don't really know what's happening this week we just give us a chance to get back into it's been a month it's been all right it's been a month there's a whole lot there's a whole lot of us for us to talk about yeah and we haven't spoken for a month

no because we're not allowed to message you the other you message me i message you back and then you message me again i was like i can't i can't divulge why i messaged you making sure you were still and you just messaged me as if that it didn't need to reply and i was like she knows yeah oh god she knows yeah because we can't relate to you no i did i messaged to see if you were all right and then you were seriously worried too i was yeah i could feel it in your fingers yeah but the the problem is is we talk too much and then we have nothing to talk about so this is us catching up live on the podcast. Live with you. You're welcome. So this is The Secret Mum Club, the safe space for you to share your secrets. We've got three secrets from you we're going to be discussing this week.

So Emma, hit us with number one. I feel like I'm on the wrong show. voice i should be on a hello you should be on like a sex line no i was gonna say like a late a late night like um late night lovers in the dark jazz that's so just you sound sexy nice uh this is hey beaut hello i'm hiding a huge secret from my friends and family oh my my God, get this. I'm currently six months pregnant. What the fuck? With my fourth baby.

Six months? Six months. Number four? Yeah. How tiny is the bump? Because me and Emma, we're bumping. Yeah. We tried to hug today and our bumps hunked before we hugged.

Yeah. Yeah. Fourth baby. Because they show earlier, don't they? Like with this second one. We shed quick. I had a bump for about six weeks. Yeah. Yeah. Fourth baby. Wow. Because they show earlier, don't they? Like with this second one. We shed quick. I had a bump for about six weeks. Yeah. Yeah.

Six months pregnant. I think mine was just shit though, to be honest. Because I was leaving the master. Just bloated. Yeah. She says, this baby was very much a surprise and not planned at all. Contraception zero. Mother nature one. Do you know who knows about that?

My mum. So what? She had sex on her period? What? No, she just. I think she was breastfeeding my sister because she was still really little and she believed the myth that you can't get pregnant when you're breastfeeding and then along comes oh so what i thought mother nature was your period no i think she just means her contraception didn't work oh i don't know let's carry on she says i'm

unsure whether to keep the pregnancy a complete secret until birth. Fuck, what? How? This is wild. Or let everyone know at Christmas. I think that would be nice. No. Go the whole hog.

You're over half way. You've only got four months to go. If you've been in it for six months, go the fucking whole hog. You can't hide it for that long. She's going to have a bump at the end. And also, oh my God. I wonder if she's going for an electric series let's finish let's finish okay how would you feel if your friend sister

niece or daughter kept the whole pregnancy a secret also i found out i'm having a girl so any name suggestions would be appreciated because i am struggling emma sophina emma much love a busy mum. I can't believe that. This is absolute gossip. I found it hard to keep it a secret for like, for the 12 weeks. You're asking how would you feel like if you found out your friend.

I feel like you've told us now, we're your friends. Yeah. And now we know. Now we know. We've got to keep this a secret. Yeah. Is it anonymous?

A very busy mum. Very busy. Which is every mum, to be honest. Shit. I feel like Christmas would be such a nice way to do it yeah but imagine just coming home and being like by the way guys i had a baby yeah if you were my like mother sister daughter friend cousin i would prefer to be told before the birth of the baby. Because I feel like it's kind of mad to just turn up with a baby and be like, got a fourth child. I feel like the Christmas gift would be so much cuter. And you could make it so nice. And you could do a lovely.

Yeah, you can. You could wrap up like, I don't know. Six months. Yeah. That's you and me not telling each other now for a whole nother month. Yeah. And I feel like I'm huge. There's no way I could hide this.

I said. You can hide that. I'm business in the front, party in the back. Yeah. I don't know what's bigger, my bump or my ass. I don't know how. I don't know how you're doing it. I'm a big batty gal.

I'm a part of the big batty gal crew. Emma's not a part of the big batty gal. No, I'm just part of the big bump crew. My bump feels huge. It's our bumps hugged before we hugged today. Like I'm sitting down now. Are you getting this now where you can like feel it resting on your thighs when you sit down? Yeah, but that's just an average day in the office for me.

I don't know what to suggest. I'm going to say Christmas. I don't want to be wrong. Yeah, I mean, obviously do whatever you want. But I feel like going the whole way. That's a long, it's a lot. I'm assuming you've told the dad because that could be i don't know she's that could be a tricky situation and i want to know then are you so have we had natural births with the other three have we had elected cesareans

emergency cesareans what are you thinking for number four are you going to go for a cesarean because you can plan it in and not wait for the baby to come then it would be a big surprise because you could just go in and then everyone could just rally around you for six weeks and you could be like i've just carried a baby for nine months didn't tell none of you now i'm having six weeks off that would be the most epic too much surprise ever like to just have a baby and be like surprise surprise yeah also i'm worried about christmas like there's so much other stuff going on that will it be overshadowed yeah i mean also don't and the other bubbers as well the other children don't even know there are so many questions right how do they not know just message me i mean i mean it's the right

time of year to hide a bump isn't it yeah big baggy jump yeah stuff it was it was the other day when my sister was like you do know we'll walk around and nobody knows you're pregnant i was like nobody needs to know yeah she's like but people will bump you out of the way. And I'm like, don't worry. No, no, no.

Give them a swim. No, no. If you're wearing like coats and stuff, it's easy to hide. But I don't know. I don't know.

I feel like the pressure is getting worse. I would like, how old are the other children? I know. There's so many questions. So many questions. We feel like,

I need to follow up. Yeah. Can we make this a whole sequel for an episode please yeah we need you to message him with some more some more information keep yourself anonymous still i can't believe the age is the pregnancy and the gender reveal she's managed to keep secret this is like have you even told the dad have you told the dad can you imagine she sounds pretty good at keeping secrets do you have boys and girls already yes well congratulations congratulations that's so exciting more information yeah this episode is also three hours long just so you know if you're halfway through this is your three hour warning you've got another hour and a half to go stick with it grab yourself

a brew have a toilet see you in two oh and the next bit is a number two let's have secret number two hi emma and sophina i absolutely love your podcast thank you thank you i've never been a podcast gal but i found it fun listening to you both talk about all the interesting topics of motherhood you've been keeping me company whilst driving my napping 11 month old around my little girl has recently taken to walking around everywhere so I thought I would treat her to her first pair of shoes. I was so excited for this moment. However, at Clark's, she had the biggest tantrum, which is so weird of her to do because she's such a confident little girl

and has taken everything in her stride. We got her measured and bought a lovely pair of trainers. I thought maybe we'd try putting shoes on again at home where she's a bit more comfortable in her usual environment. But nope, she hates shoes. I've tried giving her the shoes to look at, play with, investigate. And I show her how I put my shoes on to go outside too. But she throws a paddy and throws the shoes away.

Any tips on how to get shoes on? Thank you both, Melissa. Always a battle. Shoes and coats. Shoes and coats. He never wants to. Colby loved wearing shoes and he used to walk around naked with just a pair of shoes on really love them whereas dotty didn't plus dotty had

really diddy feet and we couldn't get her to wear shoes for ages because her feet were so tiny um but we went i went sparkly oh okay sparkly light up something jazzy yeah jazzy but i don't know how you can't get them that tiny. Maybe wellies. Joseph won't walk in his wellies. Will he not? They're too heavy. So wellies were good for us

because Dottie liked glittery wellies. Shiny, glittery wellies. Maybe if she likes splashing around in a puddle, you just say, you can't do that unless you have your shoes on. Yeah. I do just tend to use bribery with Joseph. We had the meltdown in the shoe shop as well because he didn't like... Have you you have your shoes on yeah yeah i do just tend to use bribery um with joseph but we had the meltdown in the shoe shop as well because he didn't like have you tried

putting the shoes on so if she's nodding off and you're going out or quickly whip her on her while she's in the car seat yeah to give her the like you just get her out the car seat when you wake up and stop somewhere if she wants to walk and just be like oh yeah yeah about it yeah do you know what often we do as well which helps is i put him in the pram or the car seat without his shoes on and then we get somewhere where he wants to be like a new soft pay or a park and i say he normally he says carry me and i'll carry him for a bit but then if he wants to get down and walk which if they've just started walking normally they're like i want to walk i want to walk i say well you can't do that without your shoes on but it's hard it's hard i had the whole thing with

the wellies just had to he doesn't i had to carry him everywhere it's a nightmare and obviously like when i take him out with wellies prepared to go splashing in puddles he's like no i don't want to don't want to then when we're just out in trainers and it's not and it's not a puddle splashing day oh straight in there yeah up to his waist that's. Yeah, up to his waist. That's how they roll. That's how they are tuned. Wired. They're all wired exactly the same. So contrary. We're still waiting for our manuals.

Yeah. You haven't had my manual yet. Yeah, I don't know what to suggest. It's hard. I would say maybe wait until she nods off and if she's getting up and walking around in the car.

Just slip them on her. Just slip them. Yeah, try and slip. Because I imagine if she's walking at the moment outside, she's wearing maybe her baby. Because she said she's walking around. Maybe at home.

Maybe at home. Just in socks. It must be a weird feeling if you've never worn shoes. Do you know, even if you go on holiday for two weeks and then you come back and you suddenly have to wear shoes again. You've been wearing flip flops. Yeah, and you're wearing socks and trainers. It feels weird.

It does feel weird. You feel kind of constricted, don't you? You do, yeah. So maybe she just doesn't like the sensation. But just, if all else fails, bribe her, give her a biscuit. If all else fails, just let her go out barefoot. Feral. Feral.

Well, not feral, just free. Yeah. Free as a bird. That's all right in summer, but not now. Yeah, no, I'd say summertime is okay. But yeah, no, not so good. Yeah. Shall we roll into number three?

Let's, let's let's let's hello ladies i have a secret i've been holding in for 11 years now 11 years when i was heavily pregnant with my son i had a terrible sickness bug which she gave birth without telling anyone sorry i'm so sorry which later turned out to be gastroenteritis fuck one evening at home i was having terrible stomach pain and couldn't move, so much so my then partner thought I was in labour. He called an ambulance to check me over,

but when they arrived, much to my horror, the person that turned up was my father-in-law, who was a paramedic at the time. He needed... Oh, no. Oh, fuck.

He needed to check if I was dilating. And so, after much protesting, I finally agreed to let him examine me internally. He said he couldn't be sure if I was in active labor or not, so decided to take me into the hospital just to be sure due to the pain I was in. Whilst in the ambulance, I suddenly had a desperate need to go to the toilet. He told me that just means the baby is coming and not to worry, it will be OK.

But I was insistent I needed the toilet. But unfortunately, all that was to hand was a sick bowl he passed it over and told me to squat over it needless to say i definitely needed the toilet i was mortified by the whole situation from start to finish when we arrived i was quickly rushed off and was so relieved not to have to look at him anymore so not only did my father-in-law get a front row seat to my foo-foo, he'd also witnessed me shit out my guts in the back of an ambulance whilst naked from the waist down. Thankfully, I am no longer with my son's father

and don't have to ever look at my ex-father-in-law in the eye again. Anonymous! Oh, imagine the dinners. What the fuck? I just spat then. Fucking hell. Thank God I'm not with the dad no more. That worked out great for everyone.

Even though my father-in-law fingered me foo-foo. Wow. Wow. When the first part. I don't know how to process all of this. Right. Well, the first part of that story, that basically happened to Stefan's mum. She got fingered by her dad.

She got fingered by her father-in-law because they lived in a small village in Wales and he delivered all their babies because he was the doctor. Isn't that mental? I've asked her about it and she's like he delivered all their babies because he was the doctor. Isn't that mental? I've asked her about it and she's like, yeah, well, he was just the doctor. So like, didn't, like, it wasn't a thing. I'm like, sorry, but if my father-in-law had to go anywhere near my vagina, well, yeah, me and Stefan would have to split up. There's no way I could look him in the eye.

I don't think she slept with him because he fingered her foo-foo. Well, but then I was going to say, so that part of the story was the same. Then it just gets a whole lot worse in the ambulance. She pooed as well. She had the shits in front of her father-in-law and he examined her internally. And all of that was just gastroenteritis. Yeah, she wasn't even in labour. She wasn't in labour.

It was all for nothing. It was all for nothing. i don't really know how to process this that's too much isn't it that's a lot it's too much what are the chances of turning up i know but maybe again i went to the hospital the other day and there was a picture of somebody that i knew on the wall that worked on the ward and i found that really baffling i thought you're gonna say she didn't have to finger my doctor though and the doctor was my father-in-law no no god a secret for 11 years good wow good secret keepers well it's to be fair it's still gonna be a secret for another 11 years because you're anonymous aren't you yeah and we'll keep it a secret this isn't going anywhere it's a secret mom club wow that is that's a bit that's been a wild week yeah that's been wild i'm so thrilled to be back i've missed these secrets i'm still so there's so much

information in my head i feel like there was a lot to process today yeah there's a lot i don't feel like we've given any information yeah we'll maybe i feel like i've been a deer in a headlight we'll be a bit more concise next time yeah Yeah. Maybe. Maybe. Can't promise anything. Can't promise anything. We haven't been concise for 36 episodes. I don't know why. We're going to be concise. Why start now? Concise.

Concise. But anywho, thank you for sharing your secrets this week. Everyone is welcome in the Secret Mum Club. Yeah. If you want to share your secrets with us, you can. The email is hello at secretmumpod.com or with secretmumpod on TikTok and Instagram. Have you had to poo in a sick tray in front of your father-in-law or has your little one mistaken your private parts for brains let us

know it really is nothing too outrageous and we'll be back with another episode on thursday and we'll see you next time on the secret mom club