Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Birthday Surprise

Episode Date: July 24, 2025

It’s birthday week, and there’s a BIG surprise in store for Soph and Emma! An unexpected duo drops by to help celebrate, but can the mums guess who they are before the big reveal? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, this is The Secret Mum Club. I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. And... It's Unfair Day Week! If we didn't know, I'm currently having an asthma attack. Really unfair of you. Well, I'm not. I'm actually being reviewed by a respiratory nurse. Really unfair to make you blow into that when you're query asthma.

I know, when I'm currently going through peak flow testing every day. You got a good blow on you though. Thank you. I do give a good blow. So Chrissie, he's a lucky man. Lucky guy. Lucky guy. So we've got a special little episode to celebrate, haven't we?

Yep. And I'm told there's a couple of surprises coming up. I am slightly scared. I don't like surprises, do you? You hate surprises. I absolutely hate surprises. I'm terrified, but a little bit excited. Emma will always be the one that takes the glass half full approach.

I'm more, I just poured a glass of water all over my crotch, so there we go. You're literally glass half empty. Shall we jump on in? So we're actually recording this a little bit before our birthdays, but by the time it goes out, it would have already been your birthday. What are your plans? Well. Although she was a real fucking bore the other day when I was like, Oh, we can't do this because it's your birthday. And she was like, uh, yeah,

we can. I don't do anything on my birthday. Then she goes to me, oh, by the way, next week, run a tight schedule. Must leave by one o'clock. Go for a birthday meal. Yeah, chop chop. Well, we were going to have something podcast related and I was like, look, my birthday is on a Wednesday. I'm fine to work. We can tell them. We're just having a new photograph.

Yeah, we're having a new photo shoot. I'm fine to work on my birthday. That's a fun thing to do. And I would never know we have birthday plans anyway. But since we don't have that anymore, because you were like, no, you can't do that on your birthday, that's a fun thing to do. And I would never know we have birthday plans anyway. But since we don't have that anymore, cause you were like, no, you can't do that on your birthday. I, yes, I've made lunch plans, shoot me. I've made lunch plans on my birthday with my husband

while my children are at nursery. And so Stefan has demanded that I be somewhere by 1.45. So chop chop next week. Okay, let's get it done quick quick. Give you a blowy. We can't come next week. We can't, we couldn't do what we were doing next week because it was, we're doing something exciting next week.

Yeah. Well, it's your birthday, but what we were gonna do next week is really exciting. It's not like being at work, it's fun. We're adding you to the artwork, aren't we? I'm finally being allowed onto the artwork after two years, how do you feel about that? Only, you will only be, yeah, you're only gonna be,

you have to have a magnifying glass to find it. A tiny thumbnail. It's gonna be like, where's Wally? Where's Emma? I think they should perch me on your raised eyebrow. Or up my nostril. Yeah, climbing like a little borrower. On a little tiny ladder. Borrower or borrower? A borrower.

Borrower. A borrower. I'm excited for your plans. I'm really excited that Stefan's doing this for you. Do you know where you're going? No, it's a surprise. Surprise! But he said to meet him at somewhere in London where I feel like I possibly know what's going to go on. Oh, yeah. Okay. I won't reveal my location. No, because that's dangerous.

In case anybody follows me there. Because now I've given out the date and time. Do you know what? When I always say that and I'm like, oh, I better not tell you where it is. I think the audacity of me to think that someone's going to follow you. Yeah. Somebody wants to steal me. Yeah.

Somebody might. You never know. There's some very strange people out there. There. Somebody wants to steal me. Yeah. Somebody might. You never know. There's some very strange people out there. There is some very fucking strange people in the world, but I also really rate myself that someone will nick me. And then the following weekend, which is your actual birthday, I'm going home to Essex. Yes.

Because it's also actually is for my auntie's 60th, who's also birthday's in July. But I'm kind of, they don't know that yet, but I'm claiming that as kind of my own celebration. So I'm gonna crash that. Sorry, Auntie. Yeah, I know you're 60, but I'm 37. Can we have a moment for the 37 year old, please? Hello, this is all about me. Hello, it's my birthday first.

So I'm just gonna crash that. Yeah, I say do it. Why not? So that's what I've got planned. You're only 37 months. Exactly. That's what I say every year. Yeah, good one.

It's a good catchphrase. Thank you. And this weekend, we're going to look at houses. So that's exciting as well. That is really exciting. Wow. You're just whapping out all that today. I'm just whapping out all the life moments. Gosh. July's big. This is huge business for you. I know. I've finally gone public with the old houses. Also, she's gone public about something else.

What? You told me what else you've gone public about. What? That you've officially started the ball for the house. What does that also mean to the other? The other place where I work? Well, I've told them that I'm moving. And then I was like, she's handed in her resignation. She was like, no, it's not. Not when it's in six months time. Yeah, but you're never going to go back after that. So it technically is.

Yeah. Well, I'm not, we're not planning to move until the end of the year, but you know, these processes can take a long time. So we're just getting the ball rolling. And obviously, because we're moving so far away, we're relocating back to Wales. We've got to just really get ahead of it because that's obviously going to take a long time. So I will just preference by saying, if you could follow because this is going to be Emma's only job, she will no longer have a job. So we need to keep this going so that Emma can be in full-time employment. Let me take this moment to make an appeal to the listeners. This will be my only form of income and to you, Safina, my co-host and friend.

I don't feel under pressure at all. Yes, we must keep doing this forever and ever. Amen. Because otherwise I'll be out of a job. Yes, so hit that follow button. Hit that follow rate and subscribe. Don't miss it as Dotty would say. Hit the chat. follow us on YouTube. Although this one does actually have a YouTube,

we just personally don't have one. It does, yeah. Yeah, the podcast has a YouTube. So yeah, follow. Like. Like. Listen to every episode. Yeah, yeah.

Just help keep me employed, thank you. Yeah, not to worry. Thank you for everything that you do for us. We love you. What about your plans? I don't really make any plans. Oh, you're slacking me off for not doing anything for my birthday. Yeah, but I've got so many close to me, haven't I? I've got, it goes my niece on the 17th, my nephew on the 19th and me and Ritchie on the 26th. Then on the 7th of August, I've got Colby. So in a short amount of time, we've got a whole lot of celebrations. So everything just amalgamates into one. And I am such a celebrator of somebody else's birthday. Like I'm a real giver. I really love.

A giver, not a taker. Oh gosh. I love celebrating the baby's birthday. Like I look forward to it. I relish in that. And if anything, that is my birthday treat is that I get to have my birthday the same time as theirs. Yeah. And you get to share your birthday with your twin, of course. Exactly, to be fair, I don't really know what it's like not to have a birthday with him.

So I can't really say. Do you ever wish you had your own birthday? Well, no, because I don't know what it feels like to have my birthday on my own. But do you wish you could? Like sometimes when you were little, were you like, oh, she'll want it to be all about me for the day.

No, I love him. I love him. So I'm coming to London anyway, were you like, oh, she'll want it to be all about me for the day. No, I love him, dearly. I love him. So I'm coming to London anyway. Are you? I'm coming to London for a couple of days. Obviously I'm here for work, our job, here at the podcast. I'm here, and then, which is on your actual birthday, and then I'm going away to a really exciting event with Mase

on the 24th, but we've got to travel to Suffolk, so we're going to Suffolk, and then I'm coming back to London to stay with the babies. And then we're having another night, which I think we're going to go out for a nice meal. Lovely. Child-friendly obviously. Yeah. And then yeah, head back. Nice. So just family. Just super low key. And then yeah, I'll probably over the weekend then see everybody. The big, the wider fan. But we do have something very exciting, which is fast approaching the end of July. But you will have to tune into the main episode. You

have to tune into the main episode to hear about that because there's a lot going on. And I'm finally going to reveal what the fuck has been happening. Yeah. But tune into Tuesday. It's a big one. Right. We're going to go to a quick ad break, but stick around because we're getting a big old surprise. Big old surprise. Big old surprise. Show it. Show it. It's a stripper. So we've got a big surprise coming.

We've been told to close our eyes. Emma, Emma, close them now. No, OK, I'm going to close them in a minute. We've told to close our eyes. Emma, Emma close them now. No, okay. I'm going to close them in a minute. We've got to close our eyes. I can't see anything. I'm too scared to even open my eyes. Apparently there's a duo coming in and we've got to guess who they are. A big duo. A big duo. I'm having a heart palpitation. I'm panicking. I'm going to shit myself. I don't know who

it is. Okay. Let's close our eyes and bring them in. Bring them in. Ready? No, I'm panicking. I'm going to lose my job. Do we know them? I don't know. We've got to ask them questions to find out. Oh, God.

I feel so stressed. Are they here? Hello? Don't look. Don't peek because I know what you're like. I'm actually like, hello! It's Mr. Tambo! So he thinks it's Justin Fletcher and Andy from Andy's Dice.

Oh, is that his surname is Fletcher? Or the temptation to open my eyes? I know, don't do it. Don't do it. I know what you're like. Can I hear you breathing? Is there someone here? Don't cheat. Oh, Phyllis, this is Dating in the Dark! Who remembers Dating in the Dark? We've got two guests in the show. Oh, God. It's like Blind Date. We're really close as well from the seating. I can smell perfume. I can smell pickled onion. I can smell aftershave. Right, do you want to have 21 questions and you try and guess who they are?

Okay, okay. Do you want to go first? Yeah. Have we met you before? Yes. Oh shit. Okay. Do we know you intimately?

No. Okay. I haven't had sex for two years, so. Fair enough. Well, I can even pull a face with my eyes then. Do you have a podcast? Yes. Oh crap. Have we worked with you before? No. Oh okay that's a big one. Do you live in London? Yes. Oh both of you? No. Okay okay okay. One lives in London. I think we might know the answer to this but are you male? Yes. Mads slipped up just so you can't watch this you know. One lives in London. I think we might know the answer to this, but are you male?

Yes. Mad slipped up just for you, you can't like just, you know. One lives in London, one doesn't. They have a podcast. Do you have children? Yeah. Yes.

Oh, both of you. Yes. Yeah, okay. Do we know you? You've already said that, don't waste the question. Yeah, but like in real personal life. What do you mean?

Do you both have a podcast? No. Okay, I think I know who it is. Fuck off. I think I know who it is. Fuck off. Do you play any sports? Yes. Oh my Christ. Okay, do you, is one of you a stay at home dad? Is one of you a stay at home dad? No. Oh, oh shit, okay. Are you Welsh? Yes. Oh my god.

Is one of you a journalist? Yes. Right, okay. Okay. I've got suspicions. What the hell is going on here? This is the reason why Chrissie didn't answer the phone. The math ain't mathin'.

My answers aren't adding up. I think it's Chrissie. I think it's Chris and Stefan. We don't need 21 seconds to go. Yeah. Three, two, one. Bye! We knew it. We knew it. We didn't even need 21 questions. I got 21 seconds to go. I got 21 questions. What a military operation. Detective Soap was onto you, so you shouldn't come back through that Ring doorbell camera. How long have you been planning this?

How long? A week, two weeks? A few weeks. Yeah. A week. It sounds intense, I've been listening to the story. Stefan's done nothing. I've had a cup of tea, I've had a lovely morning.

I've had a great, I've dropped the kids off a nursery. Chris has been hanging out on the train. He probably wasn't until yesterday. Well, I need to think about the train time and stuff. Yeah, and then I was hoping you was gonna get your normal train, and then you missed that, didn't you? I did miss that. So I was gonna get the, I need to think about the train time and stuff. Yeah. And then I was hoping you was going to get your normal train. And then you missed that, didn't you? I did miss that.

So I was going to get the one after. Oh. And then luckily, yeah. Chris. Why don't I make it? You were texting Stefan saying I'm going to be home late. Stefan's been asking me where I am. It was such a good, such a good decoy.

That was a good decoy. What time are you going to be home? I'm heading to the gym. I was like, it can't be the boys. She goes, no, it's not Stefan. He's going to the gym. And I was like, yeah, that's a decoy. He's walking you off, you idiot. He's definitely going to the gym. I was quite proud of that't be the boys. She goes, no, it's not Stefan cause he's going to the gym. And I was like, yeah, that's a tea course. He's walking you off you idiot. He's definitely going to the gym.

I was quite proud of that. Do you know what? I thought if you sat down and I smell Santel, the aftershave, I'm going to know, I'm going to be honest with you. And you're going to wear it. Very clever. So clever. I sent a text message from outside there.

What time are you going to be home? I can almost say it. I don't even, Saif was like, aren't you tracking him? And I was like, no, I don't do that. Just for the record, I don't track Chris. No, we don't track. I'm pretty all right with not tracking. I was almost being screwed all night.

My first thing that I did was I was like, I'm going to be on the phone. I'm going to be on the phone. I'm going to be on the phone. I'm going to be on the phone. I'm going to be on the phone. I'm going to, no, I don't do that. Just for the record, I don't track Chris. No, we don't track. I'm pretty all right with not tracking. My first thing is that something's happened to him and Renly.

Yeah. She was really worried about 15 minutes ago, really panicking. Yeah, because you called me when I was on the train. I can't answer in case there's like the TAN on the phone. That would have been a game away. Yeah. She was like, he never doesn't answer his phone.

Yeah, I know. And it's been three hours. I've only had the phone. Can you imagine if we were on the same train? Yeah, I was right on the end carriage as well I imagine if yes, I mean if you'd missed that one you usually get and I would have been like behind you Imagine I didn't tell you as well and I was just stood on my god and you came down the platform You you guys need to be introduced formally. I forget you've never met. I've obviously seen Chris like you've always been. You've met Chris downstairs. Stefan, Soph, Soph, Stefan. Hello. Lovely to meet you. Lovely. What I say about you on the podcast, I don't really know.

It's only ever to just... No, what do you mean we don't say it? We never say anything about it. You're so good at taking the bins out. She doesn't get angry about that. We did pull you away around the house. We, it's nothing but praise here. All praise. Did you two chat before you came on? To be fair, we had a little bit of a chat, but honestly,

Renly's taken over. Yeah, he's just everywhere. We had to be quiet as well, because you were still outside. How do you get the same clothes on? I don't know. I feel like it's such a dad. Dad uniform. Yeah. Like black T-shirt and chinos. Yeah.

Or Chris just... Chris got a short T-shirt. It's warm enough for shorts. Yeah. It is warm enough for shorts. Can't get trousers long enough for his legs. I don't know if T-shirt is too hot as well. It is too hot.

You've been running around. That underground was... I can't get over this. Scouting. What in the... I can't believe you told me. Yeah, it's 7am. I've got meetings in London in the morning.

This is a meeting. This is a meeting. Yeah. He's working today. Oh, and on the shared calendar that you love so much. Wasn't in there, was it? It was actually. Was it? I just never looked at it. You never look at it. You knew I wasn't going to check it. Right. It's not a party without a bottle of... PUSSY! Witch hole free baby! PUSSY! Popping bottles in the air. I don't know how, pop it like it's hot. What do you want me to do? Twist it with your fist. That's it.

Whee! Hey! Oh that's a good one. Whee! You've got to cheers with your eyes as well. Yeah, eyes, eyes, eyes. Bad luck, otherwise. Seven years, bad sex they say.

Do they? Pfft, poor Chris has already got bad sex. I can't, that week, they say. Do they? Poor Chris has already got bad sex. I can't do that. That week's getting me. Chris has already got bad sex. We can't all look at each other. You're going to have to go opposite your partner.

Opposite. Cheers. Eyes. Happy birthday to you. Daniel, the after up yours. The big three, seven. You already know about that. How old are you, Chris?

I'm 37. I thought you were going to ask how old are you, Stefan? I don't know what to think about that. How old are you, Chris? I'm 37. I thought you were going to ask how old are you, stop that. I don't know what to think about that. We put him together nearly 18 years. He's just had his birthday as well. Yeah, just the last week.

How old were you? 38. Oh, yeah. So you'll be 38 now. I'll be 38 at the end of the year. So it's a change. 38, 38, 38, 37. I'm starting to forget to be honest with you. Yeah, every year. I think after 30. Can you imagine us actually in the wild on the night out?

I think it would be absolutely hysterical. When was the last time you had a night out? Never. Together? Without kids. I haven't been out with like a girl's day in nine years. No. Your last night out together without kids was

the night you had Rendley. When we fell pregnant, weren't we? Yeah. Was it? Yeah. That's when we forgot the whole cocktail list didn't we, at the restaurant. Yeah. Yeah. Then we're on a baby cocktail list didn't we at the restaurant? Yeah.

Then we're on a baby. So let's never do that again. So two years ago. Yeah. It would have been wouldn't it? Was that your birthday? To be fair though, we're lucky we have a lot of time together. We don't need a night out to have time together.

Yeah, we have a few drinks at home with me. Yeah. We're the opposite. We never see each other and it works great. Yeah, fantastic. Yeah, it's great. So I was still together after all these years. Okay. Now listeners, if you cast your mind back to Valentine's day, Emma and I played a

little game of Mr. and Mrs. It was more Mrs. and Mrs. It was Mrs. and Mrs. Yeah. We played it with each other. But now the boys are actually here in person. We thought we should put them to the test and see if their answers match up with ours. Are you ready? So these are the your answers from before. These are the questions we asked each other before. But now we're going to ask you and see whether they match up.

Yeah. We should do a ah. Yeah. We should have done that. Family fortunes. Ah, ah, ah, ah. Right, you ready? Yeah.

Stefan, who's the smartest between you and Emma? It's, I'm going to say me. Oh, although what a pragger. I'm trying to guess what you said. Oh, was it not me that answered? No, you answered. We both said Stefan. Yes, we did.

It was a mutual. Yeah, we both. I think I was like, it's actually me, but I think Stefan will say him. It's not though, is it? I don't think it is you though. Oh no, so like, it's actually me, but I think Stefan will say him. It's not though, is it? I don't think it is you though, is it? Oh no, so everyone's answer is actually Stefan. Okay, I get it. I get it. All right, Chris, who's punching between you and Soph? Soph.

Yeah, Soph. I'm only taking that as me. No, I did say I'm punching. Did you? Yeah. Emma said Chris is punching. I said Chris is punching. Yeah, me.

So beautiful. Me. This is quite said Chris is punching. Yeah, me. So beautiful. Me. It's quite awkward now that we're face to face. No, I think I am punching. No, equal, we're equal. Equal, that's what I said. I love how he says that now because now he feels awkward. Stefan looks at him like, what a...

I do actually think it's even. Yeah, we're even. You've got to stick up for yourself, Chris. You back yourself. I'm on you for this. It's just the pregnancy way. I can't get rid of it. I mean, with us it's easiest, Chris. You back yourself. I'm on you for this. It's just the pregnancy way. I can't get rid of it. I mean, with us it's easiest, obviously.

You'll punch him. Yeah. Right. Stefan, who is funnier or thinks they are your Emma? Emma's going to think it's her. So I'm going to say Emma. Correct. We both said, yeah.

Yeah. Me and Emma both mutually said Emma. Yeah. So, so it's got confession. What did you say in the ep? I don't really know anybody funny that plays golf. Burn. To be fair, my brother-in-law actually plays golf.

And he's truly really funny. But my brother is, yeah, he plays golf. I wouldn't say he's as funny as me. Maybe not. Oh, but yeah. Now we've met you in person though. I think maybe you need to meet more golfers. Also, I'm a very bad golfer. Oh, okay. That's good then. Technically, you're not really a golfer. And then I was like, I wonder what his handicap is.

And Emma was like, what the fuck? If I hit the ball, I'm doing good. Yeah. Oh, it's not good. You're my kind of level of golf. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Smashing, smashing. I enjoy it, but I'm terrible.

Bad at golf, but hilarious. Yeah, quite. All right, Chris, who is quicker at changing nappies, you or Soph? Oh, Soph, hands down. Yeah. Hands down. I'm getting pretty quick, but yeah, you're still quicker. Yeah.

Do you think she's changed more nappies? Yeah. And I think Renly, Renly chews more for you, doesn't he? He chews more for you to get on with it and stuff. Whereas for me, he's a bit more like... You've got a handicap. Yeah. It's hard working.

There you go. Yeah. Three par for me. Yeah. But also you don't have to rush your nappy because then if it leaks... Yeah, you've got to be careful. Pull up. You've got to be good. Pull up. We're on pull ups. You're in business.

We are in business, we don't talk about. No, you're not. You're not walking around. The Rasguls pull ups are amazing. Rasguls, yeah. You mean business over here. That baby. I'm still on the old strappy catch.

Yeah, no, we're on pull ups. Even Joe's still in tabs. We don't do a pull up either. No, I can't be doing tabs. Because then they start, once you've not got no vest on in the summer, they start pulling the tabs off. No, no, no. We've never had that problem. I'm sure it's coming. Oh, it's coming.

Colby never done it, but Dottie did. Yeah. All the time. We've just set this up now. I can see that being something that Sadie does to be fair. She's a vocalist. Agreed. Yes. Okay. Right. Stefan, who instigated itchy legs in the kitchen? You or Emma? Do you know what that means? This is one of your... I mean, I'll be honest. I obviously listen,

but I wouldn't say I've listened to every single episode. Do you listen? I've not listened to every single... I know it's busy, you know, I've got golf to be playing. I've got work to do. You know, other stuff going on. It's like crazy. Two children.

Two children. Bottom of the list. I think I've listened to maybe do, you know, other stuff going on. It's like, you can't listen to every two nights. Two children. Two children. Yeah. Bottom of the list. I think I've listened to maybe two episodes. Yeah. Possibly. Two I spoke to.

Two a day. You do listen to a lot of them. Oh, Troy. Yes. So I might have missed that episode. I think you can probably. Yeah. You can gather what the itchy legs is.

I don't know. I'll flip a coin Emma. Yeah. I was like, this is an. You can gather what the itchy legs is. I don't know, I'll flip a coin Emma. Yeah, I was like, this is an unfair rumor that I've become the subject of. Listen, you're at itchy legs all the time in the kitchen. She comes in and she's like bloody hell it's itchy legs in the kitchen.

I mean, how unhygienic? You did it in the kitchen. No, I didn't know where this came from. You did, that's where you told me you did it. Have you ever had sex in the kitchen? Itchy legs? Well, our kitchen's big enough and you ate. Oh gosh. I can't just walk in had sex in the kitchen? Itchy legs? Well, our kitchen's big enough anyway. Gosh.

I can't talk to you cat enough. No, same. Our house is tiny. I think because I had to answer the question, I said me and you said Stefan. So ours was a match, Stefan, well done. We got it right there. Who wins to get itchy legs anyway?

That's the point. Is it mutual? Yeah, probably. It's the time with kids. That's why it's been two years. Very, very rare. I think I spend more time in Rennie's bed than I do, probably. I spent time with kids. That's why it's been two years. Yeah, very, very rare. I spent more time in Rendy's bed than I did in mine. Literally, bless him. So romantic.

All right, Chris, who is better at keeping secrets? Oh, I think we've fucking gathered from today. I've been doing shit in hell. Not that we keep secrets, obviously stuff like this, but yeah, do you know what I mean? I'd say me. We obviously are keeping secrets. What secrets? What do you mean? What are we talking about?

Don't we? Chris, we both said you. Yeah. Well done. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Stefan, who is messy? Are you or Emma? Easy. Easy. Well, yeah, I mean, but Emma would have said me. So I'm gonna say me, but Emma's not the type. Emma will come on here and like pretend like she's the tiniest thing in the world. She was like grand designs. Yeah. Impeccable.

She's not. Super nanny over there. She's not. What are you talking about? She likes to claim she is. She tells me all the time that you're cleaning. I'm so tidy. Yeah.

The reality, tidy is one thing. Yeah. But clean is a different thing. So you think I'm clean, but not tidy. I don't think you're tidy, no. What? No, no, no. I'm so tidy.

She has to do everything. You should look at her bedside table. Look at her bedside table. You only have the bins to do. That's stuff I use every day. You talk to her about, it's not tight, is it? Is it tight? I can't use it every day. You have some stuff.

You've got tablets everywhere, you've got books everywhere, you've got like a pot of Vaseline that you've been there. Sorry that my one a day pills are out. How am I going to remember to say them otherwise? It was hand cream, your mum got you, that's just been on the side for 10 years. Every night? Every night? I use it.

Do you have stuff on your bedside table? You're not joking. I have a bedside table? You're not joking. I have a bedside table. Oh no, I don't have nothing on mine. Ours are empty. You just got a lamp. I just got a lamp and then Chris has the baby.

Where's all your shit? The drawers underneath mine are stacked with paper work stuff. That's fine. Oh, my drawers are organized. Yeah. Mine are great. Yeah, mine aren't. I've got all sorts of paper.

Pints of water just randomly dotted around the house. I'm always drinking water. Why are there four pints of water just randomly dotted around the house. I'm always drinking water. Why are there four pints of water on the corner of your house at any given time? You don't drink anything. You don't drink any water. That's fine, but you can't give me time to do any of these things. You're severely dehydrated,

so let's talk about that. Sugar puff whee. Let's talk about the color of your whee. Yeah, sometimes it's bright yellow, that's fine, I'm cool with that. It smells of sugar puff. It's an issue I've got and I'm dealing with it. Just like Emma's issue is leaving

bottles of pints of water all the time. Sorry, I drink my whey, I drink my hand cream, and I take my pills every day. 10 year old hand cream, other things. That's whatever. All on the table. Sorry, I drink my water, I take my hand cream, and I take my pills every day. Ten year old hand cream, other things. That's whatever. All over the place. You sent me into a false sense of illusion. I thought you were this housewife.

I don't know. Where do you put your clothes after you've, like, ready for the next day? Yeah, ready for the next day on the desk, because I have to put them on and fire them up in the morning. Or when you come home and you change, where do you leave your clothes?

I put them away. No, you don't. Where do you put them? I only don't put them away. Where do you put them? I only don't put them. Just answer the question. I only don't put them away. You're the Julius, I'm the Julius. That's the simple question.

Where do you put yours? Where do you put yours? Put mine in my dress. No, you don't. You're such a liar. That's not the question. The question was where do you put your clothes? I put them away as soon as I possibly can.

Because the wardrobe is in the bedroom because the house is so fucking small where the baby sleeps so I can't put them away straight away because she's often sleeping in there. So to answer the question, where do you put your clothes when you get changed when you come home? On the floor next. On the desk. Thank you very much. On the floor.

I put mine on the floor. Dirty. Take them off the end of the dead and put them on the bed. Which is fine but then you do claim to be the world's tidiest person. I'm not tidy. And I leave cupboard doors open. It drives Chrissy mad. I'm trying to really work on that, but it really pisses me off. So you should go in the drawer, grab something out of the kitchen drawer, the drawer will be open.

Chrissy says it. Anymore, get it? Yeah. He loves playing the... You've got thigh bruises because you've got it. Yeah. He's mainly breaking his eye. He likes to get in the new door. He doesn't know. He's taken that from me. Doors open and lights on is your speciality isn't it? Yeah.

Anyway. You've got to be able to see when you get into a room. Yeah. Yeah. You're not going to be in the bathroom at all. Anyway next question. Okay. Chris, who would survive longer in a zombie apocalypse you or Soph? Soph.

Yeah. We both said Soph. I think you'd be really hardcore. I think I would be. Yeah. I like his nails. Yeah. You're too good to... On your own if you're on your own. Yeah definitely.

Yeah. I fucking hope it never really happens. Yeah. Do you have a plan. Yeah. You're on your own. You're on your own. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. Yeah. Or if you like children as well. It never really happens. Yeah. Do you have a plan? Yeah. If it does. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She can't tell anyone like a sense of zombies or not. Then there's a plan.

She wouldn't get on a plane, I mean, to avoid them because she hates flying. So yeah. Yeah. I think she would be double hardcore. Yeah. I'd keep sensible to keep high out of the way. Yeah. You would, you would be able to. Fight the motherfuckers. Yeah. Yeah. You'd be good. Yeah. She'd bite him back and Fight the motherfuckers. Yeah. You'd be good.

Yeah, she'd bite him back and then get us out of trouble. Blending. She's one of us. She's one of us. It's fine. Leave her alone. Excuse me. Well done.

I'm glad we agreed on that one. Yeah. So who has a higher Vaseline tolerance? Do you want me to say the word? Well, I suppose I had to wear, when I used to play rugby when I was a kid or American football, you'd have to slap VAS on, wouldn't you? Why?

It just makes you more slippery. Oh, so people can't tackle you? Yeah, sure. Where are we rubbing that? Well, in everywhere, like your thighs. No, I can't. They're like in places. I'm out of this game. I don't tolerate it.

So I've worn my fair share of VAS on the sports field before today, but I don't know who would say yes to that. You can put it on your lips. I still use it on my lips. And there's a pot on the side of the table. Famous bedside table. I use it every day. I'm going to say M actually.

I don't think we've got none in the house have we? No, I'd never buy that shit. She won't let it pass. No. Loads of lip balms because Dotsie loves lip balms. Yeah, Carmx, that's not greasy like Vaseline. Yeah, Vaz is greasy isn't it? Yeah.

It's lippy. Really sippery. Change of norms would stink of it as well. No, loads of lip balms because dots love lip balms. Yeah, Carmex, that's not greasy like Vaseline. Yeah, Vaseline is greasy isn't it? Yeah, really slippery. Change your arms would stink of it as well. Oh, and it doesn't really have a smell, but you know the smell. Well, between that and the deep heat combined.

Deep heat, oh yeah. And the sweat and the grass and the mud. Deep heat is the one as well. Just imagine trying to get that shit off of you. Well, when the boys start, you know, when the kids start playing sport, there will be a smell you'll have to kind of get used to. But how do you just get it off? Get the greasy. Yeah, because it's water resistant as well.

It is water resistant. What you scouring that. Lots of radox. Wow. Skin must be soft as hell. Yeah, soft as a baby. Fantastic. Slippery as fuck. Smooth hands.

Yeah, I've got very smooth hands. Right, Chris. Who gets down with the trumpets more? You or Soph? Soph. I said Soph, but you said Chris. You fart way more than me. To be fair, yeah.

I would say, yeah. Chris farts way more. Does he? And then go, oh, bloody hell, Renly. Yeah, it's great now. You can blame it on the kids. Yeah, maybe me, yeah, maybe me. So yeah, I'm backtracking a lot.

It's just that yours are more public, I think, because you do it on Instagram. Whereas I've never actually heard. Yeah, if you share it publicly, then you're going to have a bit of a reputation. Yeah, yeah. It's a natural bodily function. Every morning. Let it out. I haven't actually farted for a while.

You haven't. Running on the treadmill, though, is really making me let it out. Is it? Yeah. I keep going, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff, pff'm on the treadmill. Yeah, when you're moving yourself around. Yeah, getting out. That's it. Yeah, it's the movement. It's like when babies start moving and they can finally get their own wind out. Sometimes Renly will be walking and he walks, speed up,

then he goes, and then he speeds up. Yeah. Doesn't it? Yeah. You ever had it so bad, trapped wind, it feels like you're in serious pain. Yeah. Like honestly, I thought I've got, like, what is it, appendicitis? Yeah.

And sometimes it's just, just need to get it out. I went to the hospital once, fun fact. Generally thought I had a real bad and the lady was like, you're just really backed up with shit and wind. Same as what I went to a car garage once and thought my clutch was slipping. And the man was like, oh my gosh, let me take it right around. He was like, didn't think about moving the car mat under the clutch. That's what it was.

Yeah, no, I knew that. I did do that. You've just pulled it over harder. Yeah, yeah. Double checking. I love that the kids are at an age with farts now where they find it was. Oh, yeah. Yeah, no, I knew that. I did do that. Yeah. You've just pulled it off. Double checking. I love that the kids are at an age with farts now where they find it funny. Farts and burps. Dottie doesn't find fart either.

She doesn't like toilet stuff. Dottie doesn't find it funny, but I'll tell you what, she lets off some absolute toxic rippers. She can clear a room. Can she? Can she? She can clear it. When I tell you, I'm not somebody that unless you're touching me with Vaseline, back the fuck off. I can pretty much get away with a lot, but her thoughts, is she embarrassed when she does it? Yeah. Yeah. She'll go, no, no, it wasn't me. Yeah.

She would just sit quiet, won't she? But you know, it's her. Yeah. I think families have a brand and you know, yeah. Agreed. Colby don't hang around does he? Colby will fart in the room and run out. Yeah, drop and go. Where as Dotcy just never does. You know it's Dotcy. And you can tell Colby and Dotty's farts as well. So you know the smell of their farts.

And you can tell Renly's can't you? Renly's is always followed by poo. Always. I love to say his little face now. Like if I do a loud fart or a burp or she does, she goes, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh the chair, didn't he, in the lounge? And the children were like, Get all the windows when they go out. Oh, God, yeah. All hell broke loose. It was like an evacuation out of the house. It was poo everywhere.

It's mad what can come out of such a small baby, isn't it? Well, we know Jojo's on the rug. For sure. Yeah. And he still insists on going on the potty sometimes. Well, have you talked about the time we sat sat on the potty and there wasn't the seat wasn't on the potty? Oh yeah. So not only did he pull on the rug that infamous time, but quite, quite recently that was huge at one and it was on your sock. Enormous. Wow.

Quite recently. The socks gone in the bin. Oh, of course. I think we did clear that. In case I wasn't covered off at the time. Quite recently, you, I think you were on your own with him. I was. And there's like a, you can take the thing out of the potty to like take it out and clean it. Oh, like the Ikea one?

Yeah, the middle bit comes out. You can take the middle bit out and you wash it out. So then like the outside's just left and bless him. He took himself off to the little toilet by himself, which is like, we're like, well done, that's really good. But had sat down and done a dump in the middle of the thing without the middle bit in. So it literally just went straight through onto the carpet. Yeah. We were like, well done, that's the right idea. But also there is now shit on the carpet. I could

just see Stefan going, help! Get the thousand and one out. We're going to need the thousand and one. I don't know what to do here. I don't know what to do here. I was thinking, the thousand and one! Get the Dr. Beckman's out. We're going to need some hardcore shit. We're going to need the hardcore shit. Yeah. That's Dr. actually treated our ass. Oh, it's good innit? Yeah. Dr. Beckman, he's a good lad. I know, what a great man. You can't get me in character. Iconic carpet cleaner.

Good job, Dr. Beckman. I mean, we're really living, aren't we, when we're talking about the brand. Yeah, absolutely. What a wild episode. That was wild. But did you have fun? You enjoyed it? Yeah.

Would you come back? Maybe. If you're invited. I feel like I'd really love a sequel of like the Mum Club at the Dad's Club. Like a spin-off. Or you're just me and Chris. We're on the live show. A live show?

Or I'd love to put some secrets to you and get their advice. Yes, this is what I mean. Yeah, the secrets to you. You two can leave and leave me and Chris together. There should be a sequel every month or every, you know. A couple of months. Yeah, every quarter. Only if we get our own muffs though.

Oh, we'll get your own muffs. Maybe I'll have blue. Yeah. We could, yeah. How do you, how do you know, a couple of months. Yeah. Every quarter. Only if we get our own muffs though. Oh, we'll get your own muffs. Maybe we'll have blue. Yeah. How do you, how do you think the boys let us, how do you think the boys did? Then let us know. They're just currently filling up their Prosecco's. You can definitely come again. You've played him down to be so bad and he's not. He's great. Isn't he great? He's so great. I actually think you should bring him more often. It's great in front of people.

Oh, it's like that, isn't it? How? I do love him. Should we do, we should do an episode of Wife Swap. I think we'd have a riot. House would be clean. You two together, the house would be a fucking shambles. You'd be bang off.

Listen, I think I'm going to lose. You'd be as cally. Yeah, it'd be up. You'd be as cally. They'd laugh through and out. Yes. Yeah. Nice walk in the sunshine.

You two, this would be boring as fuck. Me and you Chris could go in the clubhouse and get pissed. Yeah, we'll just drink. I'm up for that. That sounds good to me. But anywho, if you thought the boys did great and you want them back, then let us know. The email is hello at secretmumpod.com or with Secret Mum Pod on TikTok and Instagram and make sure you're following us wherever you listen. And we'll be back first thing on Tuesday and we'll have more of your messages on our next Thursday episode.

And we'll see you next time on the... Secret Mum Club!