Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Bizarre Cape

Episode Date: September 3, 2024

As the back-to-school rush looms, the ladies get an interesting update from the OG Giant Pooer. Sophiena shares her family’s recent face-painting adventure where one person definitely stood out more than the rest. Plus, we’ve got a late-night nappy change secret that’s all too relatable! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to the Secret Mum Club. Just a little reminder that today is not Monday, it is Tuesday because we are now featuring on a Tuesday solely so that we can say, see you next Tuesday. I'm Sabina and I'm Emma and this podcast is a safe space for mums everywhere, a safe space to share our secrets. Because we all have secrets, don't we? We do. And as we know, sharing is caring. You don't even have to tell us who you are.

You can keep that to yourself. You can be anonymous. And those secrets can be serious. That was the right line, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah. We were trying to do it without looking again. I was.

And you were right. I was trying to give you the eye. You doubted yourself. I did doubt myself. And all those secrets can be serious or silly. All secrets are welcome in the Secret Mum Club. How has your week been, Soph? We go back to school tomorrow.

Oh my God, don't. What the fucking hell has happened? Where the bloody hell has that gone? Six weeks. Blink of an eye. Disappeared. Blink and you'll miss it. Blink it.

I did miss it. I did miss it. I don't know whether I've done too much or not done enough. You were saying you don't feel like you've been very present. No, I haven't. During the school holidays. Which is a shame because it's your favourite. You bloody love it.

I bloody love it. I'm going to piss right into the wind here and say that I feel like it's the first holidays, I think because obviously Renly so it's his first six weeks holiday having the babies around it has been a lot it's been a definitely a massive shift in the house yeah everyone has kind of felt it it's the first school holidays that we've had the most bickering like Colby and Dottie um have been a little bit tense you know not camping intense just you know um intense and it's the first one where I think I've solidly worked the most I've ever worked yeah well that's a good it's a good thing I'm a single mom who's got two jobs and you've got a

stay-at-home dad you know luckily daddy's on the stay-at-home daddy yeah he's on the stay-at-home stay-at-home on the stay-at-home train he is on the stay-at daddy yeah he's on the stay at home stay at home on the stay at home train he is on the stay at home train i've worked a lot this six weeks holiday but i think because i've worked obviously the guilt of not not being around yeah it's made me feel really fucking shit it's weird isn't it you're like i'm like oh i'd love like a bit of time to just like get away and like do something for myself and like not be a mom and then like two hours away from the babies i'm like oh fuck i'm a shit mom i feel bad i'd like to say we were talking about because sadie's here isn't she and renly's not here and it's really hard because renly is in such a solid routine man don't break the routine don't mess the moment you break it we had one the other night where we stayed up till like nine o'clock because we had a little family gathering in the garden and he was just

fucking like the exorcist up all night up fucking all night every hour i saw every single hour man every single hour it's weird when you you think like oh they'll go to bed later they'll sleep later it doesn't work like that but this is where i said she where the mantra comes from sleep promotes sleep you don't want to believe me in that mindset but i promise you i think there's something in it i don't know i'm still trying to keep the daytime nap short but like we have sweet short and sweet we're not too short but just like give her i think what she needs but we what do you think she needs because i'm three and a half i actually don't have a fucking clue three and a half hours i'm trying to stick to over the day. Mine's probably about seven.

Really? And he sleeps all night as well. His awake time is only probably 40 minutes an hour. No, but you were saying he has a long wake window at the end of the day a few weeks ago. Three till, yeah. I would never get that out of Sadie. His last nap is probably three four o'clock yeah well i would say three so you normally sleep maybe three till four or sometimes he'll do two

till about half past three and then he's seven bed at seven i think that's a long time that's a long ass window but he has slept all day so like in the morning he normally wakes between six and seven sorry five and six and then he's back asleep by seven wow so he's only ever in the morning he's only ever up for about 30 minutes an hour max and then he's back down for a two-hour nap you want to push his wake a bit later because that sounds horribly early to me no because i he then goes back to sleep and i'm getting everybody in their routine of school uniforms works really well so he when he gets up has his bottle which i always say is my hour you know the five o'clock is like my hour of the day i wake up

do his bottle and then he chills for about half an hour he goes back to sleep and then he goes from seven through till about nine which is great for me because then i can get the other two ready for school i'm trying to always stay in the mantra of school yeah so i then get the other two ready in school in the pram by this time he's still asleep yeah so i can get him in the pram do the school run come home it's then we can normally get back from the school around about half past nine which is his breakfast time perfect so then he has his breakfast has another moomoos and then we play it's lucky that you get up early because if sadie was waking at five i'd be like no hun go back to sleep go back to sleep for

two hours what are you doing we're getting two hours out of her in the morning like she'll wake up at seven half seven back down by nine half nine last short nap in the morning long lunchtime nap yes which is what I'm always really driving towards because eventually that's the one that she'll keep that's the one Joseph still does yeah big daytime nap and then another little short little half an hour in the afternoon, then bed whenever, roughly two and a half hours after she last woke up. I'd never get three hours

out of her though. That's really good. We tend to, we're on an off napper. He loves it. He loves a nap. But I think, I don't know,

you know, it's hard because every baby's different. We talk about this all the time, don't we? Redley is definitely a, he's gone home.

Give me the food. Give me some playtime. Put me back to sleep. I don't we yeah um redley is definitely a he's gone home give me the food give me some play time put me back to sleep i don't want to fuck about and i think he does so much and i think where the house is so busy as well there's coming and going there's people here they're in everywhere or if we're going out for a walk he tries so hard in the pram he's like this oh the pram is a killer sometimes i've started putting her in the sit-up pram because I'm like, just something to do. She can sit up. She can look around. She won't fall asleep.

Taking the scenery. Bloody hell. And then they're like this. As soon as I get her out there, the motion of the pram, she's like, I'm like, no, no, no, it's not. It's not that time. But that works great for me because I truly believe sleep promotes sleep.

And then Renes is out. He's out for the night. I don't know. I think Stefan's family think I'm like mental on the- Do they? Yeah, they think I am. They're just like, oh, it's like a quite a strict regime isn't it i'm like well yeah but be a little bit more relaxed i can't be fucking relaxed i'm a mother of two babies but we were always like this with joseph and actually

his sleep is so good now that i'm like i'm just gonna try and do persevere the same thing you know but then also i did the same with colby and dotty just different kids like, I'm just going to try and do the same thing. You know. But then also, I did the same with Colby and Dottie. Just different kids. That girl, she just didn't give me a fucking break. She was the one climbing out of her cot. Colby took himself to bed. Dottie escaped every fucking way possible out of the bed. I wanted to come in one day and she'd create like a not bed sheet, you know.

I really wanted her to be one of them children that create like a... A rope. Yeah, to get out. Like, woo! Like someone who escapes from prison. Like Tarzan. Yeah. As Darcy calls him Tarzan.

Tarzan. Hey, Tarzan. Someone get Tarzan on the telly. Tarzan. Tarzan. Stefan gets in over people saying Stefan, not Stefan. Stefan. He wants people to say Stefan.

Like Gwen Stefani. Is it Gwen Stefani? Exactly. Stefani. Gwen Stefani like Gwen Stefani is it Gwen Stefani exactly Stefani Gwen Stefani not Stefan Stefan Stefan

you know pronounce the A I'm your biggest fan I'm your biggest fan you'll never lose she's not actually she actually hates you because when I'm here I always slag you off

I forgot the fucking bins again this morning oh here she fucking goes has anybody caught up on that episode because Emma was wild in that episode was Was it the bins I was bitching about last time?

I think the episode before. It's because we come here on a Wednesday and Wednesday is bin day and every fucking Wednesday. My bin smells like a farmyard because it's full of nappies and I'm like,

we need to get those fucking nappies out. It's rank. Emma doesn't want to take the bin out. She relies on Stefan. It's a blue job to take. It's rank. Emma doesn't want to take the bin out. She relies on Stefan. It's a blue job. It's a blue job in our house. And every

fucking two weeks he forgets the nappy bin and I'm furious. You need to let it go otherwise you're gonna have a heart attack at this young age. You've just got to let it go. You're a strong independent woman. I was telling you about that episode of Kardashians where they did the blood test to find out.

I think it's an NDA. What's it called? I don't know. Basically, you find out, it might be a load of bullshit, but you find out your biological age and they were all obviously younger than their actual age.

Definitely, I'm 102. Well, I'm saying if I do, it's going to say I'm like 85. But if it tells me I'm 102, look how good I look for 102. I might be dead tomorrow. I might be dead tomorrow. I might be a fossil. But your girl is rocking.

But no, we are Stefan's number one fan. Yeah. That's my phone just fell on the floor. Just trying to keep the updates on the children. That was the ghost of Stefan being like, she's chatting shit. Don't listen to her. I'm healing you.

Oh, so he didn't take did he do the bins today? No. Fucking hell Stefan. I'm sick and now it's going to smell like a bloody shitty farmyard for the next two weeks.

Right on your front door as well. Right on my doorstep. I've at least got a bin store now so it's contained but when you open it Christ it will knock you out. Will it? Two babies in nappies.

That's disgusting. Do you have your bin cleaned? No you do don't you? Yeah I do. Yeah. I should. I can't.'t i can't handle it i was thinking about next time he actually bothers to remember to get it collected i worry about the bin men you know that come around honestly they deserve a medal and an mba is an mba that's one of those big like an mba like a queen award yeah they need they need those because honestly i take my hat off to them that's not me doing being rude i generally am i just think they're phenomenal but not to the one man

that just leaves mine in the middle of the drive every single week yeah that's where he looks through my blinds and says i know that's really gonna fuck off her day it got to the point where it actually tickled me for a little bit and i'm like no it's not funny anymore but i i always worry about them opening my bin what What, and thinking it's disgusting? Yeah. Yeah. I'm sure you're not the worst. But don't look through my window because that really is a shed in there.

But I just, I want my bins to give a false illusion that I'm actually. Yeah, I've got a tidy clean house. Clingo aesthetic. Yeah. Those fucking weeds. I mean, you can't get to the bins for the amount of weeds that have grown like sky high. I'm sure they've seen worse they're the bins are right in my bush right in there too much information

so it's bts back to school yeah how you feeling about it i'm not okay if i'm honest with you no and i think it's so hard because it's the three of them well rendy's not going to school yet no but i've had them together and I feel bad. Like this whole thing that I said a couple of weeks ago when I took the children away, we all went away and then I took the children

away from each other. From the cousins. I'm now taking his siblings away from him. I know. What are you going to do with him all day as well? That's the hard thing.

I think he's going to just be like, actually, bitch, you're boring. Yeah. Bring the other two back. Oh yeah, let's say his face

when she sees anyone other than me lights up because she's like, I'm sick of the fucking sight of her. She's been happy with me today when she sees anyone other than me lights up because she's like, I'm sick of the fucking sight of her. She's been happy with me today. She has, she's been loving you because she's bored of me.

Sometimes at home I'm like, what are we going to do all day? I think I've just got a funny face though. Yeah, I wasn't going to say anything. She also loves my row, row, row your boat. I mean,

I could do it to you if you want. See if that'll cheer you up. Sit me on your lap. Yeah, like Santa. But no, I'm not okay. No. I don't, I don't, I don't imagine I'll be okay tomorrow

for a while I think I'll be a shit state are you going to cry? yeah do you cry in front of the kids or do you try and hide that? yeah because I don't want to I don't want them to cry I feel like I'm going to cry now it's horrible so what do you do you make them

you're like oh but have a nice day a nice day let's say we do get in the car and cry yeah i will sob all day i probably won't do fuck all i will sob all day long hug renners have a movie day probably just have our loads of films loads of snacks and sob our way through it and then you go to the gate to pick them up they're like do you fucking think of you all day and you're like i know me either i hadn't even crossed my mind i was so busy go home there's just loo roll around the same yeah oh your eyes are puffy they're like mom what's wrong something in my eyes so no they're all right about it though they're excited aren't they um colby is really excited i think to see his friends yeah dotty's are not so much still we're not really grasping the fact that we're not going back to the same teacher she thought she was having a reception teacher again yeah yeah but i think

she's gonna be okay yeah i think it's a fresh start new friends because she hasn't found her person yet has she and i think that's playing on my mind a bit is that i hope i'm praying this is her year i'm praying this is her year that she gets a little she finds her buddy a little friend yeah you were saying they're mixing up the classes they are both gonna be with different yeah children and colby's going back to none of his besties so he's going into a classroom where he doesn't have any of his crew yeah his boy. But like we were saying before, then when they play time, it's going to be way more special. Yeah.

Yeah. And he'll make new friends. Yeah. And he loves his teacher, doesn't he? He does love her. Yeah. The Canadian one? Yeah.

Travelled 23 countries, isn't she? Unbelievable. She's from Canada. Phenomenal. I think she's half Canadian. Half Canadian. Yeah. She sounds very cool.

She does sound really cool. And does Dottie like her new teacher even though she thinks it's going to be the old one? Yes. Yeah. She's very excited. Really excited. But she talks about her like she's not going to be around. So she's like, yeah, I can't wait to see her.

You're like, yeah, she's going to be there all the time. She's like, yeah, yeah, with the others. No, no. No. No, we're not having the others. She'll get the hang of it quickly. And like we got to go to a whole new section of both schools so like it's colby's like the completely opposite side of the

school now we got to drop him off and dot c is hers is like a little horse horseshoe and so you as you get older through the classrooms you move up uh up the horseshoe yeah yeah so she's not and like you'll see all the new little babies coming in. Honestly, I could talk about it for hours. I'm scared. I will bore people

to death. I would love to give you some great advice, but I feel like I'm the worst advert. Well, you just be like it's going to be shit. Get ready for it.

You know, there's people who say to me, don't they? There's the people that the parents that love the children at school. And I feel like there's no really in between.

I think people either love it when the children go back or people hate it. I don't feel like I've ever. There's probably loads of people that are just like, don't really feel anything about it. But I feel like there's it definitely feels like there's a love, love, hate it. I think it's bittersweet. It's like nursery as well. Like I love it when Joseph goes because I love the break. Don't get me wrong. Like obviously it's so muchweet it's like nursery as well like i love it when joseph goes because i love the break don't get me wrong like obviously it's so much easier only looking after

one child but then i think like like i had a lovely day with him the other day when i have both of them on a monday and he was just he's in like such a nice like sweet spot at the moment yeah that i thought i miss out so much when you're at nursery like i don't know what you're doing all day well they send me pictures but like even just little funny things that he says like you think don't because I will cry I feel like no preschool was the hardest yeah because you're like they change so much every day like he comes out with some absolute corkers and I'm like you know they give me a little report I can't even deal I feel so sick about it they give me a little report at the end of the day and i think oh i can't believe i missed that but then i think more time to myself i just can't handle like not seeing them like you just spent so much time with

these people i know like it's just going so fast like i just don't even know where the six weeks have gone fucking hell i need to get a fucking grip i don't even know where the six weeks have gone like just to sit and go that six weeks have just gone so fucking fast. And you wake up to them every day and you spend every day and then they just go back. It's like fucking torture. And they're at school like. And I know there'll be people that are like. More than they're at home.

People are just going, why don't you just homeschool them? Because I just want them to have a really great fucking life. And I'm not saying I can't give them that. But I just want them to have. I don't want them to ever look back and go, oh, you homeschool them because i just want them to have a really great fucking life and i'm not saying i can't give them that but i just want them to have i don't want them to ever look back and go oh you homeschooled us which didn't give us the best education because think about how much they love hanging out with their friends at school like all of that stuff yeah god it's so fucking shit also homeschooling is gonna be fucking hard i think i think i'd really love it but i feel like i'm being selfish because i feel like i'm keeping them home for my own yeah yeah i do and so many people ask me about it all the time and say oh you've thought about homeschooling why don't you do it because i've been being selfish

and i don't want to hinder them i don't want to hinder them as people i want them to meet lots of different diversity of people different cultures different religions i want them to meet people that are a bit older than them, younger than people, you know, all walks of life. Yeah. And I just think if I keep them home,

I'm selfishly keeping them home. She's gone. She's gone. I feel like I'm just a fucking wreck. I can't handle it. Well, you're going to be great. You're going to be great when Jason starts. Okay. gonna do absolutely wonderful it's just hard it's just so hard yeah i know there's

gonna be parents out there whose little people are gonna be starting tomorrow yeah their first ever school yeah and that's a tough one that's a real tough when they first go yeah and you don't i would love to give you reassurance, but just look after yourself. Make sure you go home and have a hot cup of tea. Even if you're loving the fact that they're going back or even if you're worried, stressed, upset,

whatever the emotion is that you're going through, just have a cup of tea. Yeah. Sit down and relax. And I hope that there's time for you to enjoy before you throw yourself back into mum life, home life, work life, every life every life yeah i bet

the day goes quick as well like you drop them off at what no nine and pick them up at three slow as fuck really the first day always goes slow you watch every single hour every single hour oh god i need 10 hours to go god then three o'clock rolls around though like when joseph's in nursery the day goes by i would happily sit outside the school nine till three outside the gates chain yourself to the gates what are you going to do I'm just going to

sit here all day I did look at becoming a lunchtime assistant did you surprise surprise Shirley mum is here for lunch

I think I'd cringe him out don't they call them dinner ladies anymore lunchtime assistants no they're called lunchtime assistants because there's men and women. Yeah, yeah.

And, you know, we don't discriminate. No. No discrimination. Everyone's welcome. It's like a policeman. You can't call them a police officer. Police officer. And also actresses.

Actor. They're just an actor. Yeah. Don't they call the ladies actors? Yeah, and firefighters, not firemen. Yes. I noticed Stefan does does here we go again stefan you're about to have your balls crushed applies male pronouns to joseph's toys

all the time when they're playing and i'm like can we have some girls involved in the play time play please yes all the animals he'll be like mr cow says this and mr pig says this i'm like excuse me how about mrs Chicken or Mrs. Sheep? Mrs. Rabbit. Hello. Hello. She has a name, you know. Honestly, patriarchy.

Let's smash it. I don't even know what patriarchy means. What is patriarchy? About men ruling the world. Oh, is it? Yeah. Fuck them. Fuck that.

Fuck them men. Sorry, Adam. We love you. Far from you, Adam. Chris, I love you. Stefan, not so much. Not so much. I feel like I should have a running joke there

just roast Stefan on this podcast to be fair he doesn't help himself does he no come on Stefan do better

do better anywho enough of my shit for like that was what was that an hour of me just talking about myself

yeah well it's a big day tomorrow it's huge tomorrow. It's huge. Be ready for your timeline to be flooded with pictures of children in their uniforms. Oh, and we've got to have the before and afters. Yeah. Last year's start first day to this year's first day.

Outside your front door so everyone can identify where you live. Be careful. Oh, don't do that. Blur the school badge. Be safe. Do you do all that or not? So that people can't identify what school they go to. Yeah, I don't really take pictures outside of the house.

No. Nor do I take any. Even if I'm on Instagram and I'm talking, I don't tend to really show. Like the school uniform. Well, I don't show any of my surroundings really. No. No, I don't really tend to show that.

I don't show any of my surroundings really. No. No, I don't really tend to show that. I don't show screen and form. We have the pictures of the screen and form that we keep for our own memories. Yeah. Like that I sent to my mom and dad and my sister and stuff that don't get shared. Yeah. But they tend to have like their first day without their, if I was to share on socials. Yeah.

They tend not to have that labeled. Yeah. Yeah. Got to make that more difficult than it really needed to fucking be. Sorry about that, girl. When is Joseph's first day? Is he next September? He's going to be September 2026.

Wowzers. You've still got two years. You've got a while to go. But two years? He's going to fly. Oh, he's going to fly. He's already two and a half. Do you know what I mean?

It's going to go by like that. Like a racket. Like that. Time just goes so fast, doesn't it? Is he going to be he's already two and a half do you know what I mean it's going to go by like that like a racket like that time just goes so fast is he going to be a big one or a little one he'll go to a primary school no is he going to be

an eldest of a year or youngest sorry go to primary straight into university straight into big school he's so clever Southampton University

yeah he's actually an honorary fellow no he will be like half way which I think is perfect because it's february

renly will be the same and sadie actually february and march they will be like four and a half yeah which is good because i went when i was four yeah because we're summer birthdays that was us which i totally wasn't ready and i felt like i was like so little and then my sister's a september birthday so she was five wow she's fully five she was fully fledged she took to it so much better than i did dr i think that makes a big difference i've got one big one little haven't i and then i got a medium yeah you've got oh the perfect experiment i know yeah i'll be able to give you all the hints and tips and tricks means you've got to listen to the podcast till 2026 till 2058 hey we're here for a long time not a good time we're here for a long time

was that right not a good time smarter not harder yeah exactly i always get that around the wrong way think harder not smarter i always go think harder not smarter we're here for a good we're here for a long time not a good time let's haste more speed so emma and i really want to hear from you we want you to join us in the secret man club you're all welcome you can share your with us, respond to what we've been talking about, or just say hello. You can find us on TikTok and Instagram. Just search Secret Mum Pod or email us hello at secretmumpod.com. I don't know if this is my favorite time of the week.

I feel like I love everything. But I feel like this one always needs its own ground, doesn't it? CC. CC. I love it. CC me in to your emails. Do you remember that? Yeah. And then you could do the BCC. The B't it? CC. CC. I love it. CC me in to your emails. Do you remember that? Yeah.

And then you could do the BCC. The BCC. Blind CC. I love it when people are meant to do a BCC. And they do a CC and they're like, fuck. And you're like, shit. So it's time for the Correspondence Corner. I've always wondered, do you like that one in your ears?

No, your hand's on there to turn it down. Adam doesn't like it when we talk in unison or if we whisper sweet nothings to him. Or if we're too loud. Or if we're too loud. Just anything really. He has to like mediate the sound and he sometimes lifts his...

Hello. Takes his headphones off sometimes. He does take his headphones off because we cringe him out. But you liked that one, didn't you, Adam? You like that every week. He loves it really. So Emma, should we take the first one? All right. Up the butty i don't know where that came from sorry straighten the anyway didn't

give you any time poo knife legend lucy's been in touch go on loose remember yeah hello safina and emma i thought i'd drop you a little update on the giant poo conundrum which is still ongoing oh shit literally i am lucky to be a mum of a gorgeous two-year-old boy. He potty trained quite early after taking to doing his morning and evening poos on the potty and getting a lot of enjoyment out of it. God love him. But what's even better, his poos are also massive. Oh, my God, it's hereditary.

He loves sitting on his potty doing his poo, standing up to take a good look at what he's done and shouting, look at that massive poo. Proud mum moment. We also have another little one on the way. Congratulations, Luz. As I'm 11 weeks pregnant. Oh, she's early. Oh, congratulations.

Don't, I can't. I'm too emotional today. Don't, we'll be too jealous and emotional. Oh, God, I can't. More Luz and poo knives are needed. Happy pooing, everyone. Lucy. Lucy, God bless you, my love.

I am so incredibly happy for you i can't believe it's genetic the big poos how wonderful though that she is just like living life like she's got a toddler that's just pooing away happily on his potty yeah she's now got a little bundle on the way i'm so jealous she's gonna grow that tight and oh i can't with all the cute bumpness we've got a lot of them we have a lot of early pregnancies, haven't we, recently? Yes, we have. Some are secreto. We can't share those.

Yeah. Well, this is a secret mum club, so. Anonymously. It's fine, obviously. Obviously. What happens in the secret mum club stays in the secret mum club until the episodes are published. And then it's open to everybody, including the BBC. So, not so secret, really. No, no, it's open to everybody, including the BBC. So not so secret really.

No, no, it's not. Very jealous of her potty trained two year old because we're still not there with Jojo. That was Cobbs, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah, he just loved it though. And I think like Lucy's little boy, Colby did love to see his poo.

He used to bend so far down, he used to watch his poo come out. Wow, between the legs? Yeah, yeah. Do you know what? I think this happens with my... Sometimes when they're on the big toilet, Colby used to rest his head on the seat

and he used to be like... Just so he could fully see it coming out. Fully see his poo coming out. That's great flexibility. Imagine a kid could still do that. But have you not seen the angles these children get themselves into? Oh, yeah.

And I think, gosh. And then I think, I can do that. Like watching the Olympics, the olympics i think i could i'm basically running now i'm an athlete yeah um i think i can do that and then i try and get down and i'm like yeah quasimodo just can't get down there my um nephew still commentates a lot on like how big his poos are and i was asking my sister about it and she was like i think it's because in the early days of potty training you encourage them so much by being like yay oh a poo let's have a look let's clap and applaud this thing that he's kind of just carried on doing it and now he just like sits there and commentates the whole poo and he'll be like oh that was a good one oh it's massive well done it was a clean go me don't even need to wipe i still do that at 35 yeah i don't think

it ever beats a phantom poo magic poo and you know what i think sometimes really baffles me is when i push so hard for a poo it's not in the loo and then you wipe and there's nothing there that's full-on phantom you know when it's so heavy that it just goes straight down the u-bend and out it's exited the building it's gone not left any skinners in the pan i've only ever had that a couple of times in my life but what a phenomenal feeling it's unreal like a proper clear out and then you sit there and i've the amount of times i've sat there and gone fuck did that even happen i don't think it happened i think i just pushed out fresh air. You're being gaslit by your own shit.

Fucking hell. For the one time only, I'm being gaslit by my massive turd. No wipe, no flush. No wipe, no flush. That's true magic. Well, you'd have to flush, wouldn't you? The bog roll that's in there. Imagine just going in.

No wipe, no flush. You don't need to, in it roll. So no wipe, no flush. It's honestly wild. Yeah, but you need to test it to see if it's a no wipe, don't you? Yeah, You don't need to, do it right now. So no wipe, no flush. Honestly, it's wild. Yeah, but you need to test it to see if it's a no wipe, don't you? Yeah, you don't know that.

No, you don't know. But yeah. That was a real deep dive. That was a deep dive. But thank you, Lucy, and congratulations. Yeah, congratulations. Wishing you a very healthy

and happy pregnancy. God bless you. Yes, keep in touch. One more message. One more. It says, Hi ladies. Do we normally have two

on the correspondence? I think we do, yeah. That was really good. Two, was really two sometimes three wow all right this one says hi ladies talking about colby's bo bo bo lesson both my children were very young when they started experiencing bo both around six years of age not only that but my six almost seven year old has now started puberty as well this might come as a shock to a lot of people, but I was only five when I started myself. I love listening to you both. Sophie. Five?

Wow. I wonder what she means by that. I wonder what she means by... What were the symptoms? Puberty. Yeah. Because I wouldn't know what... Well, maybe it's pubic hair.

I don't know. Pubic hair? Kind of in periods, surely. For a girl. Well, I was nine, wasn't I? That is young. So wild. we say this all the time do you know anyone that was younger than you no i don't think i do no that's crazy

and for a boy it would be hairy armpits i think i do feel like it's what happens to your balls nothing they're there all the time but do they like where do they go you know people say your balls drop what into the bottom of the bag what does it mean is that just like a turn of phrase or is that like an actual thing i don't think your balls actually drop anywhere they get lower yeah but that is really young that is really young five but yes and yeah pubic did she said she did say hair didn't she both us it's not only that but, but my 67 years of puberty. And the BL, obviously, yeah.

I don't know how I feel about it. I don't feel like I'm ready for that stage. No. I feel like watching my sisters go through it, the feels are different, you know? But I'll tell you what we purchased the other day. Go on. Lynx Africa.

Chris was like, bloody hell, this is very nostalgic. Colby wanted to, and he picked it himself. All the girls are going to be flocking to him. I know. When he goes back to school. My house smells like a teen boy. Honestly, it's wild. It's very nostalgic though.

Does his room smell like a teenager? Yeah. Not like the sweaty bit, just the shit loads of Africa. Do you know what freaks me out about boys? Is when they start having wet dreams. And you're going to be like washing their sheets, being like, something's happened. And they probably won't tell you about it i'm more scared of is because obviously i'm not a boy so i know in case you didn't know what um i so i was obviously okay

to talk to my mum about a period yeah but obviously i don't know if my brother like i've never not spoken to my brother about it they're not gonna say mom i didn't but did they go to my mom or did did he go to my mom or did he go to my dad no and like what did my dad say no because my brother doesn't know my conversation i had with my mom about starting my period i just feel like boys would just wouldn't say anything and then you'd be washing their sheets and be like oh like i don't want colby to ever feel scared or you've got quite an open household though i would say most boys and probably especially like the age of your brother and the age of us like you probably wouldn't have

gone to your parents and said had a wet dream last night guys just on my sheets you're not gonna say that when you're a teenage boy no you just yeah i don't know it's a whole new experience to go through i would love, in the weirdest way possible. Love to know. Is that weird of me to say that? I'd love to know if your son has approached you though, to talk about it. Mums of boys,

let us know. Yes, of teenage boys too. Or we've got mummies that have, their sons are big, big now and they've got children of their own. So if anyone can shed some light on that, I would, in the weirdest way possible,

would really love to. Yeah. No. Or if you're a daddy let us know we love that if you had that conversation with your parents when you were younger yeah but thank you so much sophie so you can get in touch with us on anything at all yeah it can be serious or silly and you can be totally anonymous because between us we've probably heard it all before and remember we're all in this together and we know that we are.

We're all stars and we see that. This is The Secret Mum Club, the safe space for you to share your secrets. And here is my secret of the week. Everyone's probably seen it now but i feel like we haven't spoken about it because it's been on the low lockdown i had a fucking disney party okay i saw you talking about this on your instagram stories way way back and the way you wanted to talk about i know i wanted to talk about it so bad i was like what the hell has she been up to you were like it was the most magical the most magical day since giving birth to my children i compared it i compared it to the first

date that i ever met chris and also giving birth to my children and i was like what could it possibly be it was absolutely i think because it wasn't something that i arranged and they came to my house so it was a brand deal yeah obviously it's all now out we can talk about it yeah but i've had to i can't fit like they let us keep there was a ball pit they let us keep a ball pit they let us keep all the balloon lady let us keep all the balloons save the balloons for dotsy's birthday but they were all over the house i couldn't record because they were everywhere it was like something out of kardashians the balloon the balloon structure like a fucking kardashian for the day i honestly i'm so blown away i had the most amazing experience

and everybody came to my house i honestly cannot believe that this is my job like i sat there with my mum my dad my brother his wife my sister the children the only one that bless his heart could make it was my brother-in-law um because he was at work but you know when you just sit there and it was a real pinch me like as to like that is my job. Yeah. I'm sat here having the best time of my life with my family. Hashtag blessed. Hashtag too stressed to be blessed. Too blessed to be stressed. There we go.

Literally what I just spoke about. I can't never get the phrase right. You know what I meant. But yeah, we had a Disney party. It looked unreal. And it was, you don't have to say what it's for. You can't elaborate. You just have to say it's for Disney.

Yes. So it's the release of Inside Out 2 at home for Disney. So Disney put it all in place and it's the first time it's available for you to buy and keep it at home. I'm going to do it because I really want to watch that. That wasn't even, that was literally like my sales pitch. We're not even getting paid for this. We're not getting paid for this. This is free advertisement for disney because i just was

utterly i truly it's so hard isn't it because i like without doing this job i say this job people laugh when i say that content creation is my job it is my job i do create videos that is my job this is also my job yeah um but it's so hard to explain to somebody like bless my dad is so trying to get into the realms of understanding like what i do what do your mom and dad like think about it i think it took them the first year or two it took them a long time to try and get their head around it they didn't want to be involved with anything they kind of just let me let me just do do my thing but now my dad's like jack daniels do they want to work with us and i'm like right dad

we need to calm down he's wise to it now it's like my dad's like yeah i'll take all the freebies i'm like dad i don't really take freebies yeah he's got it so when i said to him when i said to obviously because i had to get my sister's approval because the children were in the content so like i offered them and i don't think like i think it was nice to see i didn't tell any of them what what was coming. I just said, oh, we're having a little movie night at home. So when they turned up, they were like, what the? Honestly, my dad was just like, I cannot believe somebody.

And my dad was like, have you, have you paid for this to be here? And I was like, no, dad, they put it in. I thought my dad was going to fucking cry. My dad, my mum was blown away. Honestly, it was my sister. God bless my sister's little face again i will start crying yeah and once everybody had left and gone home i think you're on the adrenaline of everything going on it must be an amazing feeling to like make your family to do

something so cool for your family as well to be able to give them something like that i would have you would have never thought that and i say this all the time like this this job at the moment gives us opportunities like for chris to be at home but to to give me opportunities not only to earn money to spoil my family and give them wonderful things but obviously there's work opportunities that allow them all to be there as well yeah and i have been busting to talk about it because it's just once in a lifetime yeah i did say to them though if if inside out three comes out you know holler at your girl and i might be 52 but riley's having a baby yes honestly it was just so bad tell me about your mom's face paint please what in the fucking lord jesus christ because everyone had

like lovely little characters very cute very thoughtful very mindful painted on the side of their face my mom was like i would like to be sadness and the lady was like oh would you like on the side or the other side and the forehead my mom just was like yeah and she was like where my mom's like well it's face i want my face the whole face and the lady was like so you want your whole face painted and my mom was like yeah yeah yeah so we're all there like watching i i just couldn't she come out looking like smurf fucking papa smurf it's so funny when you see it in the context of the video everyone else has got these tiny little like lovely bits by the side of their cheek

glitter on their brow i was a new my mum is just the whole blue blueberry she's violet by regard she is violet by regard honestly every piece of content and it was the fact that we didn't show we didn't show her her face so we went i'm gonna have to show you the picture hold on we went to her we went oh just go out here mom you got a you got a stand like your emotion i'm gonna have to show you because she was the first one as well so she didn't know what everyone else would get oh also i've got another funny thing to share with you so dotty has figured out how to change my screensaver just while i'm looking for these pictures change the screensaver on my tablet so she keeps changing her wallpaper the other day she was like i've changed my wallpaper you're gonna really really love it

and i was like all right then i shit you not got into bed right turn my tablet on your fucking face it was your whole fucking face and it was so close to your face so i wake up in the morning i was like why have you got emma on there she's like i just don't get to see her every day so if i have this picture of her here i can see her every day oh dots and i was like all right like, all right. What picture of me? Don't lick ass. I'd screenshot it, but it would take me a million years to find it. Right, are we ready? Back to my mum. I love that.

Here is my mum. Oh, it's so good. Here is my mum. Oh, my God. Your mum's really got method there. She and then every photo that we took took there's a family photo of us right at the very end where we were all together guess who took on the role of their emotion she was doing it my whole day do you want to know what's even fucking funnier she had to drive home

people on the road must have been like what the fuck she had to drive home like this and you know what's even better right is she she was getting all her stuff together it was like nine o'clock at night right she was collecting all her stuff together my mom is such i always call her the lipstick mom you know there's always the moms that take the bag and then yeah it's always outside the lines isn't it always say oh come here mom gotta pull it in a bit because she does it without a mirror yeah she does it without the mirror and she like clicks on the little lid so she was she was stood there she was putting it on and my brain just couldn't my brain just couldn't lock in as to what she's doing my sister's gone my sister's fully holding her craft

couldn't breathe on the floor she couldn't even get the words i just said mommy fucking lips are blue why are you putting on dark blue why are you putting on lipstick she was pulled her lipstick away she's like oh yeah but my lips are so dry because you're fucking it's just such a natural thing for her to do it you're blue marge you're absolutely blue i can't believe she left that on all day oh it's just the driving home for me you know what i just you've got to love someone that fully commits though and i think that she fully committed yeah so that's my secret not really have a secret this week but i've been itching to tell you just the hashtag blessed hashtag blessed yeah and thank you for everybody because i would never have any of this if it wasn't for everyone listening so now let's get on to some of yours we've got three secrets we're

going to be discussing this week so emma take it away with number one okay how many times can i cut you off so many people moan at you all the time can i start yet yeah go for it babes this one says hi sophie and emma i was just listening to the gassy labor episode and thought i'd join in with the fart induced birth bandwagon when i was in the throes of contractions with my second, who's now two, I was being checked to see how far I was dilated and I ended up emptying my entire bladder all over the midwife.

I had absolutely no control over what was happening and didn't even realise I needed a wee. But that wasn't wee or was it water? Sorry, I hit my muff. I don't know, can they tell, the midwives? They normally can, can't they? Because normally, I thought i was pissing last time but they told me it was my water the feeling of your water coming out is like the weirdest

have you lost your waters yeah i did with joseph right and they broke and and i think she was examining me and um she broke them and it was just like the longest warmest wettest gush i've ever felt you just kind of sit there or stand there, don't you? Or every time you laugh and then a bit more shoot comes out. But I didn't realise how long it was going to go on for. I was laying there for ages and it just kept trickling out on me. And it's also warmer than pee. It's really hot, isn't it? It feels like it, yeah.

It's been inside your belly. Womb, isn't it? Yeah. Sorry, we got distracted. After that incident, I progressed very quickly and my baby arrived safely into the world with just two almighty pushes. Stop it. Oh, wow. I'm now six months pregnant with our unplanned but very much wanted third baby.

Due in December and we've just found out I'm finally having a little girl. Keep doing what you do, you beautiful humans from Becky in Southampton. Stop it right now. Becky Becky have you had your babies At the Princess Anne Oh my fucking god Imagine we've had our babies In the same hospital Three babies as well

That's the same as me though Isn't it The first one wasn't The third one wasn't planned But wanted Very much I feel like that's a good Caveat for a third baby

Unplanned But most definitely wanted Most definitely wanted Yeah And a little girly. Yeah. I wonder if she's got two boys already.

She must have two boys. Yeah. But honestly, is it waters though? That's what we need to know. Is it pee or water? Is it waters or wee? As a midwife,

I feel like it's a stupid thing to ask. You can probably tell the difference, can't you? Isn't one like yellow? Yellowy and waters are cute. Does it come out

of a different hole? I don't know, but I think sometimes as well with waters. Does your waters come out of your back hole and. Does it come out of different holes? I don't know. But I think sometimes as well with waters. Does your waters come out your back hole and your pee pee come out the wee? Yeah. No, your waters comes out your vagina and your wee comes out your urethra. That's what I mean. Different holes.

So it's two different holes. Yeah, yeah. But when you're all down there, it's going to be quite hard to tell, isn't it? Yeah. But I literally was like. And my waters kept shooting out when i was in labor with friendly yeah my waters with joseph were brown because there was meconium in the waters so i feel like that would have been quite easy to tell that it wasn't we but they kept telling me in

labor remember to go to the toilet and keep remembering to empty your bladder because it could a full bladder could stop the baby's head coming down but me as someone who normally wheeze all the time of nap ladder got a flat bladder over here. You couldn't get it out. I did not need a wee during labour. You were dry in the Sahara. They kept saying, go to the toilet, make sure you empty your bladder. Do you need a wee?

I was like, no, no, no, no, I'm completely fine. Turns out his head didn't come down and they were like, your full bladder actually could have been in the way. Oh, fucking hell. So a top tip for you. Well, either that or do me and just shit yourself. I spent my whole time. Just shit your baby out. I did. out i did well shitting the whole time one night yeah i said at this point i'm gonna literally shit my baby out because i can't stop shitting yeah so don't ever take laculose the morning before you give birth because it's a fucking shit show

truly yeah i thought i was honestly gonna pass out at one point because i was shitting so much did you think like your body was screaming to I remember screaming to my sister, when is this shit going to fucking stop? I would have rather had the contractions 10 times harder than to be shitting out the eye of a needle. Your body must have felt so empty. Do you know like, my body was trying to strain. It wasn't contractions. I definitely know the difference. But it was the fact that, you know, when you need to strain for a bit and nothing just coming out.

The contractions hadn't started by that point. I hadn't even had the hormone drip or my water's broken. I was just shit in my pants. Just shitting through the eye of a needle. So awful. Wow. Yeah. But there you go.

Thank you, Becky, my homie from the, from the serf. Okay. Ready? Yes. Secret number two. Hi, ladies. I've been listening to the podcast religiously every single week. And now I finally have a story to share.

It's not my secret, but my late mother's. Unfortunately, my mum passed away a few months ago, and since then, we've had the task of sorting out her house. I'm so incredibly sorry. Sorry. Looking through the garage, my sister and I found pretty much our entire childhood stored away, including quite literally every single piece of art we've done since birth. If you can even call it art. We found baby books, toys,

and even the crib we both used when we were babies. All this time, my mum had secretly been keeping every single memory from our childhoods. You're going to cry, aren't you? She's gone. I'm so thankful my mum kept these things as it means I can now share them with my baby and have a piece of my mum with them as well.

I love the pod. Thank you for being honest about life and everything in between. Love, Anonymous. I wasn't ready for that. I know, I didn't know that was going to be a sad one. We need a trigger warning, for God's sake. Oh, can you just imagine how she's feeling

to just have stumbled across that? Like, I want that. I know. And a few months as well. That's so sad and fresh so to find all that stuff must have been lovely we were talking about this the other day because your mum's a keeper of everything yeah stefan's mum's kept everything my mum and dad savage i'm gonna have nothing to look back on oh god i was not ready for that i'm so so sorry but what a wonderful

memory though that she's done all that and like if you didn't know about that and imagine just finding it and she's kept it like surprise I know I'm not okay today no things like this as well make me think that I should keep everything because I'm so ready to like no I'm finished with that thing I'm gonna get rid of it sell it give it away I know I've been it check it been it check sell it, give it away, move on. I know I'm a bin it, check it, bin it, chuck it, fuck it. No. Not anymore. In most, you know, I'm talking about washing machine manuals.

Yeah. Check them. Stuff you don't need. Fuck them, bin it, don't need it. But like the baby stuff, I really find it hard to part with it. Are you quite sentimental about stuff like that? Yeah, like I've still got like their preschool uniforms, like what they wore to preschool, like that's all in the box.

I've got their baby grows and I try to keep as much as i physically yeah try to keep as much as i physically can like i'm like a wreck right now i'm so sorry i'm always like i'm so practical i'm like what are you going to do with it but actually like like she's just stumble across it would be lovely wouldn't it and not know to not know about it and then just go all these years my mum has devoted my whole life like as a mum to just give your whole life to your your babies and then know to know now that you've just she gave everything for her children and now she gets the pleasure of sitting and and she's going to pass it on to her children as well oh gosh my god i love you dearly for that thank you so much and thank you for being such a um a lovely person

to sit here every week as well and listen to us yeah thank you for listening such a lovely person to sit here every week as well and listen to us waffling on. Thank you for listening to us. So incredibly grateful for you. Rubbish. God. Right, let's take it away with number three. All right. Hi, Soph and Emma.

Picture this. It's 2am and I'm changing my baby's nappy in the dark because I don't want to wake them up more than necessary. That's the worst, isn't it? The worst. Everything's going smoothly until I suddenly realise the old nappy has mysteriously vanished. I'm patting around half asleep, convinced it must be somewhere on the changing mat. Then... Oh, splat.

No, I feel something squishy on my back. Yep, I'd lean back and somehow manage to sit on the nappy, sticking it to my pyjamas like... Sticking it to my pyjamas like... Sticking it to my pyjamas like some bizarre cape. Shit was smeared all over my carpet and me. By the time I found it, my baby was wide awake. And so was the rest of the house. Lots of love, Cassie. Oh my,

honestly, how incredible is, I'm just, that's painted such a vivid picture in my mind because, I just snotted. That middle of the night nappy change is like, there's nothing worse. And especially when they're in that phase where they're still pooing in the night, when they're really newborn,

the last thing you want, and she ends up fucking herself over anyway, because lights are on, shit's everywhere, the baby's away. And sometimes I'm trying to be so considerate as to not wake chris up and then i'm covered in shit there's shit under my nails i've probably got piss on my chest the baby's covered in shit he's had to have a whole new outfit i'm going to bed stinking like a fucking urinal and then chris is like this yeah fast asleep fucking turning the fucking lights on and saying you don't want your prick wake up yourself it's turn on the fucking lights on and say, do you know what, you prick?

Wake up yourself. It's like me and Stefan don't share a room. You know, it just avoids arguments. It's a lot, isn't it? It's those ones you do in the night where you don't get like a full clean and then you do the next nappy you do in the daylight. You think, bloody hell. I always wake up and poor Renly's balls are covered in shit.

God, I'm so sorry darling. Look you do the best you can by the light of your phone. You really do. I just love the fact that we're all there like with a torch as well and you're like the amount of times I've run my phone over his willy. Yeah. Just so I can see if I've got. Just flashlight in the old ball sack. Oh I love that we really are all in that together like the thought of all the mums and dads up doing that in the middle of the night it's when i put a picture on my instagram and it'll be like crazy at two o'clock in the morning the amount of messages i get they're like oh i'm up too yeah oh oh gosh

so thank you for sharing your secrets this week. Everyone is welcome in the Secret Mum Club. Yeah, and if you'd like to share your secrets with us, you can. The email is hello at secretmumpod.com or with Secret Mum Pod on TikTok and Instagram. Have you had a shit smear in the... Or did your midwife get a surprise from your bladder? Then do let us know. There really is nothing too outrageous.

And keep an eye out for our Thursday episode and we'll see you next time on the Secret Mum Club