Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Blowie

Episode Date: November 26, 2024

Emma’s sharing her secret this week after being caught on the train with her BOB badge, while Soph has been juggling preparations for the live show and awards ceremony. Plus, we hear about one mum��s dilemma as she tries to track down the culprit behind a mystery poop! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

As a Fizz member, you can look forward to free data, big savings on plans, and having your unused data roll over to the following month, every month. At Fizz, you always get more for your money. Terms and conditions for our different programs and policies apply. Details at fizz.ca. This episode is brought to you by Google Pixel. I'm Jessi Krigsjank. I host the number one comedy podcast called Phone a Friend. I also have three kids. I need help making every day easier. So I switched to Google Pixel. It's a phone powered by Gemini, your personal AI assistant. Gemini can help you summarize your unread emails, suggest what to make with the food in your fridge, and it helped me achieve a family photo where everyone is smiling at

the camera. I didn't think it was possible, but it is with Google Pixel 9. Learn more at store.google.com. Hello, this is the Secret Mom Club. I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. And this podcast is a safe space for moms everywhere. Safe space to share our secrets. Because we all have secrets, don't we? We do. And as we know, sharing is caring.

You don't even have to tell us who you are. You can keep that to yourself, you can be anonymous. And all those secrets can be serious or silly. All secrets are welcome in the Secret Mum Club. It always feels like when I'm saying my lines to you, you know when you have sex with the lights on and you look into each other's eyes. Yes, you said this last week because you were, it feels really uncomfortable. We can do it without the script now. We just don't want to like look into each other's eyes.

I don't know that we can. Should we try it? Hello, this is the Secret Mum Club. I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. Don't look at it at all. This is a safe space for mums everywhere. A safe space to share our secrets. You looked. Right. I didn't actually look. You did. Don't look. Right, ready? Yeah. Put it to your chest. A safe space to share. You looked. Our secrets. I didn't actually look. You did.

Don't look. Right, Ruddy? Yeah. Put it to your chest. A safe space to share our secrets. Because we all have secrets, don't we? And as we know, sharing is caring. You don't even have to tell us who you are.

You can keep that to yourself. You can be anonymous. And all those secrets can be serious or silly. All secrets are welcome in the Secret Mom Club. Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba! Mmm. Ew, that's gross.

Double finger blast. Ah! What? Finger blast! I was going to say finger banging. Is it finger blast? I don't know. I used to hate it when people go, oh, you got finger blasted.

What the fuck? Oh, blasted. You don't get blasted up your vagina, do you? Anyway, who's asking about fingering? Fingering? Oh, fucking hell. Fingering is such... Is fingering such, so retro, isn't it? Fingering is so 2000s.

So vintage. Do you think people get fingered? I was just going to say, I didn't know how appropriate it was. Do we think the kids are still fingering? I fucking, I don't want to think about that. Are they fingering? Kids of illegal age, I mean. Are we still fingering? I don't know to think about that. Are they fingering? Kids of illegal age, I mean.

Are we still fingering? I don't know. Who's still doing that? I don't, I don't know. But that was a lot for the opening. Well, that was a lot. I told you about my old... We're a little bit deluded because this episode should technically be a recap of the live

show. Yeah. Because by the time you listen to this, we've had the live show. At the time of recording. We're not of the live show. Yeah. Because by the time you listen to this, we've had the live show. At the time of recording. We're not at the live show. We are exactly a week today. To go tomorrow. Tomorrow.

Although today is a week until the awards ceremony. Yes. That you are going to be coming with me too. We've got a big week next week, haven't we? A double header of nights. Double finger blasting. A double header. Awards show. Live show. Pup, pup, pup? A double header of nights. Double finger blasting. A double header. Awards show. Live show. We're living.

We haven't done one night out together, so what we're going to do? Two at a time. That's how we roll, bitches. Balls to the wall. Hardcore. Fingers up your bummer. Get it done and then we won't see each other for another year. Oh, we will because we work together. Apart from at work, not in a social setting. Did I tell you about my old uni lecturer who used to say fingering? Finger blasting. Yes, you did. You've told us that.

I've told you that story before, haven't I? It used to be my favourite thing. He had a Cornish accent. And when he was picking us all for groups, he used to go, and today I'm fingering you, you, you and you. And obviously we'd all be like... Do you think you've done it on purpose? I don't know, cause he was quite an innocent soul.

What I find really awkward is that the children don't say a ring, they say fingering. So Dottie will be like, oh my God, you forgot to give me my fingering. Oh like a toe ring, but a fingering. You'll be in the middle of the shopping center. Or he was in Pandora a few months back and she was like, oh. I need my finger ring. Oh, like a toe ring, but a finger ring. You'll be in the middle of the shopping center, or who's in Pandora a few months back, and she was like, oh.

I need my finger ring. You forgot to give me my finger ring. You're what? You fucking what? Why do they need to specify that it goes on their finger? I don't know. Why don't they just say ring? Is it because they've got toe rings as well?

No, they just call it a finger ring. Wow. I don't even, I don't call it. Are they doing it on purpose? Aren't they? She's too young to know about that though. They don't know about finger ring. Wow. I don't even, I don't call it. Are they doing it on purpose? Aren't they? She's too young to know about that though. They don't know about fingering. No.

No. Now, ever since that episode where I recorded about the blowjob. Yeah. Dottie's all the time goes to dry her hands every time we go into a toilet. She goes, oh, don't forget to give yourself a blowjob. Stood in the toilet like. I did wonder about that because when they were here on half term, fingerings off to have a blowjob.

That's all going on in the toilet. It's all fingering and blowjobs. We had a throwback to that Rolling Stones blowjob message when your kids were here on half term and I thought they're going to be picking up on this aren't they? They had a clue. We didn't even specify what the blow job was, did we? Just drying your hands. Yeah.

So now every time you go, she will say to you though, oh, Emma, you didn't give yourself a blow job. It's when my parents, bless my parents, it's when we go out with my mum or something and Dottie just be stood in the toilet. She go, I beg your pardon. I didn't have a what. Sorry, mum. People say that when they go, I beg your pardon. I didn't have a what. Sorry mom.

Do people say that when they go for like a bouncy blow? I give myself a blowy and I tell people I give myself a blowy. Bouncy blowy. Yeah. Yeah. I don't say a bouncy blow. I just say a blowy. A blowy. Yeah. Blow job. So now Dotsaw at the time says, can you give me a blowy? And you just think if there was somebody that had a microphone and listened to the conversation in our house, they would be mortified

because there is some things that just wouldn't wash. It's when they take it away from the house and they go, my dad helped my mom with the blowie this morning. And I'm like, sorry. Yeah, we've got to start being so careful with Joseph. He's copying everything we say now. I said bloody the other day, which is not the worst swear word,

but I know he's copying us. He's starting to copy us. I love that though. So funny when they use it in the right context though. So good. He would say his unicorn toy fell on the floor and he went bloody unicorn fall on the floor again. Cause I'm always like that bloody unicorn. Oh, it does give me a real internal giggle. It's funny when you're out and they say something funny and I just say, oh. Yeah. Tell me about your week. Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies.

If I'm honest with you, I'm actually just still pooping myself, but now because it's the seven days. Yeah. But obviously, like I said, when you hear this, we would be over in D'amfinito. I'm just very, very excited to meet lots of lovely people. Yeah. I feel really privileged to you.

Yeah, I never thought we'd be doing a live show. Never in my heart. Meeting people in the flesh. To be fair, I never thought we'd last a year. And here we are. We're episode 200 episodes deep. Yeah. This is what, oh yeah, this is-

This is 99. 99 Red Balloons, but- 99 Red Balloons. Da da da da da da da. Yeah, 200. Yeah. Here we are going strong. Still going.

Who'd have thought it? Two babies later. You and me. Two babies later. Not a marriage, not a wedding. We're still waiting on yours. Yeah, no, that's, it's permanently on hold. On the back burner, isn't it?

Yeah. It's on the back, you ain't got no back bone. I feel like you don't know that's too trendy for you. I'm too, I'm not cool. So literally my new personality trait right now is football mums. Um, the lead up to the live show and my babies all the time and the weather. I throw that in there. I'm actually a really boring humor and I've come to establish this. I am. All I talk about is my ironing, all my washing, my family, my babies. You know, I never

wanted to be that mum. I always used to say. It gets us all. It gets us all. Do you know what tickles my penis is when I say, when before having the children, I was like, my children will never be iPad children. Oh yeah. They'll never be tablet children. I won't do that with my children. Do you know how many times I laugh at myself? Because I think you deluded bitch. You fucking previous Safina, what a fucking stupid woman. Because now they're permanently on their tablets. To be fair though, they've actually got apps from school. Oh yeah. So it's like educational. It's educational. Yeah, that's all right then.

Throwing them with a bit of roadblocks. Yeah. I feel like other people always judge you on that. I was also like, my kids won't have like juice and like cake and all that stuff. You haven't given choice, you're happy more, have you yet? No, he's never had a McDonald's. Stefan's really nudging me. He's like, can we, he's like, shall we just for lunch today? Should we just go through the drive-through?

And I'm like, we don't actually need to. Like maybe when we're like caught short on the motorway and there's nowhere to have lunch, he's had like a chip, one solitary chip. No, actually tell a lie. Last time we were on the motorway, he had a kid's meal from Burger King. Oh, so he's had a BK?

Which was chicken nuggets and chips. Yeah, but he doesn't have stuff like that often, but he's never had a Mackey D's. Oh. Mackey D's is still coming. I'm waiting for the day. And Stefan is like Mackey D's number one fan. He's dying for the day that you can give Joseph a McDonald's. I'm not like, I reckon he's done it without you knowing. No, he wouldn't. He can't keep it

secret. He can't lie. He can't lie. That's how I know he's not having affairs all these times that he works away because he wouldn't be able to not tell me. No, no. He called my family phone once in the middle of the night when we were at university because a girl, I mean this is the story he tells, I don't care whatever, I'm married now. He tells the story that a girl like launched herself at him and tried to kiss him and he like couldn't live with the guilt. Couldn't get, obviously he's drunk, couldn't get a hold of me on my phone. So he phoned my parents landline, because I was at home at the time, at like two o'clock

in the morning. How embarrassing. To explain himself. And I was like, go away. Do you know what I find funniest when people go, I don't know how I slept with them. Oh, I just tripped and fell on his penis. Yeah. That's Stefan. Tripped, fell, landed on his dick. Yeah. He, that's the story he tells. So she snogged him. He said that he, she tried to kiss him. Yeah.

Oh, she tried. Lips locked. Oh gosh. But I'm like, I don't care enough for you to phone my parents fucking landline in the middle of the night. Get a life. Poor Stefan's really had it hard from the get-go hasn't he? Yeah, well, you know, he knew what he was getting himself into. Look, we were going out for

10 years before we got married, so he could have backed out at any point. He could have, yeah, but he hasn't. And he hasn't. It's when people say to me that Chris could do better than me, like I don't chain him to the fucking sofa. Like he can leave at any point. But he comes back. You know? He just keeps coming back. Like he's a free man. He can do whatever he wish.

But you know, I don't agree with cheating at all. No I don't, but like, could you come back from like, say a kiss, a drunken kiss? No, no, I don't think I could. Even when there's three children involved. Do you think that's because you are dealing with it because you were younger and there was no babies? So if, say Stefan had kissed somebody, would you be, have been okay with that? I probably would have taken a more stronger stance against it. But yeah, again, there

was like less... Would you feel differently now that you're married and have children? Absolutely. There's less jeopardy when you're like, you're, there's no ties, right? You've got no children, you're not married, you don't own a house together. Like you can both walk away at any moment. So it's like, that's fine. But I don't know what the purpose is to kiss somebody else. No. And I mean, I mean, like I do actually believe him. People might be like, what a mug, but I do actually believe the story he's telling. I trust him. I don't, I don't, I don't think he would kill me. I don't think he would have wronged me. I think the the fact that he phoned my parents house to be like, I feel so bad about this, but this girl's tried to kiss me tonight.

Yeah, and then that makes me feel sad. I'm like, okay, that's fine. What I don't understand is why would you, why going out, do you ever feel the need to kiss a stranger? Yeah, if he'd said to me, look, I did, like, I made a mistake tonight. I did kiss her. Like, I would have a different response to that, that obviously because he's intentionally gone and done it. And obviously if he was like, I've slept with someone else. That's the last thing on my mind when I'm on a night out is to kiss some stranger.

He's probably got a fact breath. Well, I mean, especially now it would have to be a miracle because we don't go out. We don't go out. We don't go out at night. We don't meet other people. No, I mean, the chances of me, it'd be very difficult for me to have an affair. Actually, it'd be hard work. I think it would be hard for me to have an affair. I wouldn't be able

to live with myself. Truly that would eat me alive. Truly would eat me up inside. I wouldn't be able to do it. Yeah. Yeah. Stefan's the same. I mean, I probably... You could probably have an affair. I could keep the secret. Could you? I think I'm quite good at not telling people stuff, but I wouldn't just disclaim a Stefan. Stefan, don't listen. I'd have to meet someone first. Yeah. Don't meet anyone. That's hard work, isn't it? The thought of like starting over again with like dating and stuff now is really daunting to me. Cause like, I couldn't live with myself if you had told me now you were having an affair with Stefan. Yeah. And you wanted me to keep that secret for you. No, no. I would have to get rid of you're gone. Yeah.

Goodbye honey. Yeah. I wouldn't tell anyone though. You'd be shit at having an affair if you started telling everyone because it's going to get back to the person, isn't it? Trust no one. If you're having an affair, don't tell anyone. Top tip. Don't have an affair or just don't have an affair. I always say that you need to give the person respect. Yeah. Because that's just so unkind. Yeah. It's the secret. It's just something I won't, you know, I'm a believer in.

We need to just be who we want to be, love who we want to be. Like, I love love. And I think I'm somebody that's a kind, patient person. And I love everybody, except anybody for any religions, as long as you're not hurting anybody. But I cross the line at cheating. Like that is one of the most disrespectful things. Do you know what's interesting though?

And I watched that Ashley Madison thing on Netflix a few months ago. I don't know what that is. Ashley Madison was a website where people could sign up to have affairs. Oh, actually I did see that. And some of the couples on it were like, we actually both agreed to this. Like we wanted to have an open relationship.

So I agree that like we're together, but I go out and sleep with other people. He's allowed to go out and sleep with other people. And that's just our arrangement. And I'm like, well, good for you because you were open about it. You're both accepting of it. Both accepting of it. I think it's the secrecy. Because who are we to judge on how you want to live your life?

Exactly. I think it's the secrecy. Because who are we to judge on how you want to live your life. Exactly. I think it's the secrecy. Yeah. Yeah. And then it being that you're doing it behind someone's back. Yeah. It's like the betrayal. Yeah. If you don't want to be with that person, like give them the respect to.

Just leave them. Yeah. Just leave them. I just find it so, so sad. Like it really does break my heart. Yeah. But I don't know whether that's because I've been cheated on. I've never been cheated on. Haven't you?

No, but I imagine it is horrendous. Yeah. It's not. I've been cheated on. I've never been cheated on. Haven't you? No, but I imagine it is horrendous. Yeah, it's not. I've never cheated on anyone have you? I've never cheated on anybody. No, never would. No. Never ever would. I just feel like I'd give them the respect

of just being that, I just wouldn't, if I had the need to be with somebody else and I would just wouldn't be with the person. Just do that, yeah. Yeah, I'll just be on my own. Yeah. But no, I've never cheated. We're a bit deep in now with five kids between us.

That's quite a lot, yeah. But even now, you know, if things, and I always say if things were to happen with me and Chris, I don't know that I would go through all the dating game again. I think I'd just ride it out. Do you think Chris would? He's like, yeah, I can't fucking wait.

I do whatever makes him happy, you know? All I'd want him, if it didn't work between us, all I'd want for him is to be happy. The only thing that you fall into is if you were to separate is obviously having other partners introduced to the babies. And that's just something I don't think I would want to put the babies. Stefan's not allowed to ever meet anyone else. But people do do it, people do. would want to put the babies.

But people do do it, people do. And there's lots of people that co-parent beautifully and find a way and fall in love. And I've just got so much respect for people that do take that. And there's a lot of people that do continue to have a relationship and not be happy in that. And then it sometimes does fall into being unfaithful,

but the people that stick it out, it takes a lot of courage, one, to walk away, but two, to stick it out for the sake of the children. And I just got a lot of respect for that. Yeah. Deep, deep dive there. This took a little turn, didn't it? Took a little turn.

I don't feel like we've ever spoken about this. I love a new topic when we cover any ground. I do as well. I feel like that've ever spoken about this. I love a new topic when we cover new ground. I do as well. I feel like that could be its own separate podcast. Thoughts with Emma and Safina. Safina and Emma. Safina and Emma. Put you first.

Yeah, great week. Great week, but it's just, I'm just the most boring human at the moment because everything I'm talking about, thinking about is just the live show. Yeah, it's consuming, isn't it? Yeah, I just wanna get there now. Yeah. I just the live show. And in the nicest way possible, yeah, I just wanna get there now. Like I just wanna get it.

And I don't wanna say get that and get it over and done with, but I wanna get there to just live it. Enjoy it. Yeah, yeah, I'm ready to live it. I am really ready to live it. But yeah, no, other than that, samey samey really for me. What about you?

How's the sleeping going with Sadie? Do you know what? It's going okay. She is still struggling a little bit to readjust. Needing a feed in the night. Oh is she? Yeah. We started trying to wean her off the...

How are you doing with weaning her off during the day actually? We haven't talked... No, at night. Yeah, how's she during the day? So during the day she's fine because she still like feeds a little bit, but I'd say the balance has tipped over now, which is probably the way it should be where I think she's like preferring her food a bit more to her milk. So like, obviously that's the way it goes. Like she does still feed in the day, but not like not for a really long time. And she's

not like super interested in it. She just has a little bit of a comfort feed when she wakes up from her naps and then she has her meals. Like Renly, does she have a morning feed and a nighttime feed? And in the day as well. Yeah. So they had little top me ups during the meals. Like Renly, does she have a morning feed and a nighttime feed? And in the day as well. Yeah, so they had little top me ups during the day. Like Renly will have a bottle of water because he only has the six ounce in the morning and six ounce at night and that's all his milk.

Yeah. So Sadie has the same, she'll have the boob when she wakes up, will she? From every nap though. So like through the day. Yeah. So boob on waking up from every nap. She has a little bit of that little snack

and then she's more interested in her meals which has actually been really nice to see. Like she wasn't that bothered about feeding. But now that she's got used to it, she's proper like going for it. Like her appetizing taste. Have you gone for any, what is it, finger food? She has like some of the little like organics, crispies things. But mostly I'm just giving her purees and I'm spoon feeding her. But she wants to hold an empty spoon herself and she can like get it into her mouth.

So I think she really likes doing it. I just can't bear the mess. So I only give her a clean spoon because if she, honestly, if I gave her stuff on it, it would be everywhere. And I haven't got time to like clean shit up basically. So I'm just putting it in her mouth. But she's eating really well.

So that's really good. But she is still needing a feed to settle at night. And to be honest, we started trying the weaning process. We started trying Stefan getting up and trying to give her a bottle at night. She wasn't really going for that. And then I got ill and she moved into her own room.

And I just thought it's too much all at once. So I kind of have gone backwards on it a bit now, which you're probably not supposed to do. But when she wakes in the night, if I can't settle her with a dummy, I'll feed her. Normally around like two, three o'clock in the morning, and then she'll go until like half six or seven. So I feel like I don't mind that too much.

It's not too bad. And then would she have a bottle at half six, seven when she wakes up? A chabu boob when she wakes up. Got you. Yeah, but if I fed her quite recently, she's sometimes not that bothered about that morning feed because I don't think she's hungry. But yeah, night weaning is a whole new thing that we need to start again. And I'm going away for my first weekend this

weekend. Stop it. I know. So my first full night away from Sadie. So I'm going to still pump so that my milk stays in. But Stefan is going to have to deal with feeding her in the night. Wowzers. So where are you going? I'm going to Dev to deal with feeding her in the night. Wow. So where are you going? I'm going to Devon, baby. Go on, Gal. I know it's not. For a girls trip.

It's not close, is it? For a girls trip. Yeah. Nice. Yeah. With my uni girls. I was really debating going because I was like, I'm still breastfeeding. I don't know whether I can leave the kids on their own yet.

But then I thought Stefan went on a golfing weekend and I thought, fuck it. Yeah. I deserve something for myself. You really do. And he, to be fair, was like, you should go. Like you don't get any time away. He was like, just do it. But I don't know how he's going to get on with feeding her at night. Is it two nights? It's two nights. Oh my holy moly. Because it's such a long way. I can't go for one night. No. So yeah, I don't know. Either I'm going to come back and she's going to be off the boob in the night, but you know, and that's fine. This might be the perfect opportunity. If she gets used to me not being there,

or Stefan's going to have nights from hell where she just won't go to sleep without the boob. But you don't have to worry because you're in. Not my problem, baby. Yeah, I don't know how I feel about it. I feel a little bit sad, but I could come back and she'll be like, yeah, I don't need you in the night it. I feel a little bit sad that I could come back and she'll be like, yeah, I don't need you in the night anymore.

But that's also a really good outcome because we're trying to wean her in the night anyway. So if I come back and he's like, because I think when he wakes her up, it's normally a bottle of like cold ready-made milk and she's just a bit like, no, no, I don't. I want warm breast milk. So if he can manage to get her off it by her just being like,

I'm not interested in that, I'm not gonna wake up for it anymore, then that'll actually be quite a good outcome. But it's just an adjustment, isn't it? So yeah. I'm excited for you. This is a little journey. I feel like, God bless you.

You've gone through the ringer the last few weeks, haven't you? I know. What with Jojo going through nappy train, nappy potty training. Pre-regression. Pre-regression, the do-dos, the do-ty training. Sorry. Pro regression. Pro regression. The dodo's, the dodo's. The into their own carts.

Stefan back in my bed, cramping my bloody style. My mastitis. You know, it's been a whole thing. You have, it's been a whole lot for you. You are taking it in your stride though. I feel like you are doing so well. I'm all right, thank you. Yeah, I'm doing all right.

I just want to finish my antibiotics so I can get fucked up. No, I'm gonna get fucked up in Devon, but I want to have a glass of wine, you know. so I can get fucked up. No, I'm gonna get fucked up in Devon, but I want to have a glass of wine, you know. You are gonna get fucked up. No, no. Have you drank since having, say, you? Yeah, oh yeah, but not like I haven't got drunk.

No, I haven't got drunk. No. I've had like a glass of Prosecco here and there. Yeah, a glass or three. But I've never, I've not done a whole bottle yet. I don't think I could. No. I could in anymore, could you? No. God no. And the thought of the hangover.

Do you know what? I actually feel like I'm in my era of just like enjoying that one glass. Just a little bit. Yeah. Just a little glass. I feel so fine. I'll take one with my dinner. Yeah.

One with dinner, maybe one while I'm cooking, a little one. Little one. Yeah. Yeah. Chuck it in the spag bowl. Yeah. Over your shoulder in the glass. Tequila in the eyeball.

And off we go on a Monday night. Oh, I love that for you though. I'm excited, but honestly my priority is to like sleep well while I'm away and just get my first full night's sleep in like nine months. You deserve it. You deserve the break. Thank you. You do deserve the break.

I'm looking forward to it. I'm excited for you. I can't wait to hear all about it. Thank you. But there will be a couple of glasses of Vend Rouge. Vend Rouge? What's that? Red wine. Oh is it?

Do you like a red? I do in the winter, yeah. Just in the winter. Do you like a mulled wine? No, do you? Yeah, I love a mulled wine. Too herby for me. Spicy.

Cinnamon-y? Yeah. Yeah, I do love. I don't know what it is, it's about it being hot I think. For the hot wine. That's why I have to have red wine in the winter because it's served like room temperature. My dad puts red wine in the fridge.

You can have a nice cold one, you can, but I like it room temp with like a roast dinner or a pie or something like that. For me, it's like very warming and harsh. You know, when I drink red wine at room temperature, I always feel like I'm drinking somebody else's drink that's been there for a couple of days. Like an old Ribena. Yeah, like an old Ribena. I know what you mean. And then I sip it all night. That's why I can't have it in summer because it's not refreshing, is it?

No. Summer, I want a nice crisp white. Crisp white, over some ice? Sure. Oh, come on. Sure, I'm putting ice cubes in. Bring on the summertime. So Emma and I really want to hear from you.

Yeah, we want you to join us in the Secret Mom Club. You're all welcome. You can share your secrets with us, respond to what we've been talking about or just say, hello. Left you on your own. I gave you that. So nice. It's your moment to be alone. Thank you. Because the weekend, you know, you know, this is my moment. This is my perfect moment without you. Not with you or anyone else.

You can find us on TikTok and Instagram. Just search for secret mom pod or you can email us hello at secret mom pod.com. or you can email us hello at secretmumpod.com. Hey, it's Mitch from Side Note Podcast, and I'm here to tell you about the new Google Pixel 9 powered by Gemini. Anyone who knows me knows the Pixel has always been my favorite out of all the phones I've ever had. Now with Gemini built in, it's basically my personal AI assistant. Since I'm truly terrible at keeping up with emails,

I use Gemini to give me summaries of my inbox, which is a lifesaver. And if I'm feeling stuck creatively, I just ask Gemini for help and BAM, instant inspiration. You can learn more about Google Pixel 9 at store.google.com. Calling all music buffs. Hey, hey, turn the volume up, yeah? Make Me A Mix Tape is back. I'm Jordan Stevens. I'm Clara Amfo, and this is our weekly music show. A celebrity guest picks the theme. We select the tunes. And we battle it out to create the ultimate mix tape.

May the best music lover win. Oh, it's about to go down. Let's go! Make Me A mixtape. Listen only on BBC Sounds. So it's time for another... Correspondence Corner! You ready?

Yeah. You were really into that. Yeah. Felt it in your throat. Lost in the moment. I feel it in my throat. Oh nice. So what you get when you have a bluey. Let's have number one. All right. It says, Hey, I just listened to the soft play waterfall episode. That one was a popular one, you know. Yeah. We've had a lot of responses from that. We have. It says hearing the listeners message about having a baby and the partner doing nothing to help, especially with that, oh yeah,

if you're struggling, go back to work. Yeah, that was savage. We got really angry on that one, didn't we? God bless us. Has she messaged us back? I don't think so. I don't think so. Yeah, she said, if you're struggling, go back to work

and I'll look after the baby comment. It made me react just like Safina. Oh, good. I'm glad I wasn't alone. I know. She says, I felt exactly the same when I had my daughter nearly four years ago. I wasn't allowed to do anything for myself because my partner would worry he couldn't handle her if she cried. One day I'd had enough. I handed him our baby and said, I'm going for a bath. I've pumped some milk if she needs it. Then I walked off, got in the bath and stayed there for two hours. What a woman.

Good girl. I guess my advice is to put your foot down, do what you need for yourself and let them look after their own child. Even if it is just to have a peaceful bath or a bathroom break, it might cause an argument at first, but eventually they'll get used to you having time for yourself and they'll bond with the baby in the process.

Yes. So true. I've been there too. And it made me angry. You've got this girl. Kind regards from Lauren Lauren You are a girl after my heart You have to be forceful. Yeah, you have to be because there is just no other way of getting free It's when people fuck people fucking irritate me when they go always daddy babysitting. Yeah

Parenting his child. Yes, that bit. No, he's parenting his child. Yes, who he chose to have. 50-50. Half him, half me. Oh, fucking annoys me. That bit resonates so much because I hate when people say that. It's like you get like an award for looking after your own kid. When Roxanne comes out, I say, oh, is dad at home then? Who's watching? I'll say to my sister because they're obviously old enough to look after themselves. I'm always like, Oh, is James home then? She's like, no, no, they're okay. Eden's there or so forth. But you don't just go, Oh, is James babysitting then? No, it's his own children. It's when people say to me about Chris and I'm like, no, he's not. Oh, when you go up-

You must get it all the time because he's at home. When you go to London, is Chris babysitting? No, he's just at home. What the neighborhood's children? Yeah. No, our children. He's looking after them. Yeah, because it's a joint entity.

You know what? Even being asked the question though really pisses me off because I bet when men go to work, they don't go, oh, so if you're at home babysitting issue, I'm looking after the kids. The kids with their mom today because it's just assumed. Yeah, of course they fucking are. No, I left them in the garden with a plant and a bowl of beans. Bloody Nora. No, I... We're with you, Lauren.

We're with you, Lauren. Although do you know what? There was a time when, because Kyle used to scream so much, that I never... I would... Chris couldn't even... Did you leave him with Chris? I did one time, yeah. And he wasn't crying. I said to him, I'm going to go to the shop. I got in the car. It didn't go well. I had to go straight back to the house.

I got out. I was, I think I was out for about 20 minutes, but Chris was really good. And Chris, Chris really tried, but I think because I got anxious, I overtook, but it wasn't that he didn't help. Sometimes it's just the fucking offer. Just to offer, do you want me to?

I know you've had a really tough day and I know he only settles with you. Do you want me to take him? Do you want me to, even if it's just for five minutes, you can just go for a walk around the block or drive in the car or I'll take him out in the car. Chris used to drive Colby around the block just so I could just drink a cup of tea or have a bath.

And sometimes it's not so much about the action. It's even just the fucking offer. Like it used to mean the world to me, even if my mom offered. She knew for well, I was never gonna give them up, but just the offer sometimes is enough in itself. Just to know that you're fucking engaging. Sorry, got angry then.

If there's any men listening or any partners who aren't- The main carer. Yeah, the main carer that are going out to work, sometimes just the offer of the help, just to know that you're acknowledging- You feel seen. Yeah. Because otherwise you're like,

I'm drowning in this on my own and no one is helping me. Yes, it's just to know that you're making them seen, making them feel wanted, making them know how important they are and how grateful you are that they are doing everything. So, sorry I got angry on that last one. Because that- Well, she, Lauren agrees with us.

Lauren did agree, but it was a wild episode. And I hope she's doing well. If she's listening, I hope she's doing well. Yeah, I hope you are. And I hope you've spoken to him and you've gotten some little, a little bit more support there. That's definitely what you deserve. But thank you Lauren. Appreciate you.

Thank you. We've got another email here. It says, hello ladies. I just listened to the great groan episode and I wanted to let Emma know she's not alone in using the finger to help with constipation. Thank God, because I felt a bit bad about that. Did you? Yeah. Well, I just didn't know whether it was like the done thing to do, you know? Even if it's not, it worked for you and it was like the done thing to do, you know? Even if it's not, it worked for you. It worked, yeah. And it was completely safe.

Yeah. You know? It says, while I don't have kids, I used to work with elderly dementia patients and sometimes they'd become constipated. On several occasions, I had to go in with a gloved finger and relieve their constipation. Aw, it wasn't glamorous, but someone had to do it.

Thanks for keeping me laughing on my daily commute. Much love, Annetta from Buffalo, New York. Go on, Annetta. I would love to say I live in Buffalo. Buffalo? In New York as well. How cool. She's going to have a real sexy New York accent. Yeah. I know. I almost wanted that to be a voice note. So did I. Yeah. Sometimes I wish they were voice notes so we could get the accent. Yeah. We've had a couple before, haven't we?

Yeah. Annetta sounds divine. Annetta, you absolute hero as well. Gosh, people that care for people for a living, just angels. Honestly, anybody that's in nurses, doctors, carers, no matter what it is, just the fact that you're giving your time and yourself to help other people. Angels, truly. Angels that walk the earth. Angels that walk this earth. We're lucky for you. We're lucky for you. We're lucky for people like you. Yeah.

Thank you, Annette. Thank you, Annette, so much. And if you want to send us a voice note, please do. We'd really much appreciate your sexy Buffalo New York accent. So you can get in touch with us on anything at all. Yeah, it can be serious or silly and you can be totally anonymous. Because between us, we've probably heard it all before. And remember.

And remember. I remember. We're all in this together and we know that we are, we're all stars and we see that you went in and I thought, you know what, take the floor. This is my, this is my bloody episode, isn't it? Should we just name this Emma's episode? Get my name on the door. I think I'm on a slight delay today. Oh yeah.

Like it's not the, the lights are on, but no one's home. Yeah. You've had a lot on your plate. I have. I get a personality trait. And for that reason, I'm not sharing a secret this week. No, my girl's taking the floor. Again, Emma's episode.

Handing the baton over. This is all you. Okay. Okay. I've got confession. Oh, is it confession? Not a secret. These are my confessions. Just when I thought I said all I can say my chick on the side says she got one on the

waist. Watching that album. Oh, man. I listened to that. Go on, Asha. So many times. Um, yes, I have a confession. Okay. I have been busted multiple times for wearing my baby on board badge still. I'm not pregnant. You're still wearing. You're still, it's very apparent Emma that you aren't pregnant. I'm not pregnant. Okay. So you people have actually said that people have been, okay, it's my own. It's my own stupid fault, but I've been approached because I started getting my winter coats out of the wardrobe from last winter when I was in fact pregnant with Sadie.

And they had your badge on. They, a few of them have got the badges on still. And I just haven't, because I'm always leaving in such a fucking rush. I haven't had the time to remove the badges from my... So what you're trying to say to us is people's offered you a seat and you've taken it. So I keep getting to the train station and people are like, Oh, do you, do you want a seat? But then because you're around the same people all the time, like on the platform and then you'll get on the train. It's too late for me to then take off because they're gonna be like psychopath. Why

is she wearing a badge? She's not pregnant. So I'm just having to like, every time I get caught out, I'm just having to just roll along with it and just be like, Oh no, it's okay. It's okay. I've been sat down for hours. I'm okay. I'm in the very early stages, as you can see. Um, so I'm like, no, I'm, I'm fine. I got a packed tube train the other day and like three different people. This is the irony as well. Like when I was pregnant, no one fucking asked. Yeah. It's fucking her. Do you want to, um, do you want to? And I'm like, Oh no, no, it's okay. I'm getting off at the next stop. Eight stops later. I have to act like I'm actually pregnant because then it's too late to take it off and be like, sorry, I'm just lying to you or wearing this badge. I

just love to wear a badge. I just love to wear, I just love a badge. So I go through the whole commute and I'm like, no, no, no, no, you're fine. Thank you. I'm also thinking, gosh, she's slim. She's slim still. I wonder how far along she is. What a superwoman, she stood up for an hour and a half on this train. And then bad enough, like with the commuters who are strangers that I don't know, and then I'm just like get off the train and it's fine. I went to an event the other day, a work event.

She was like, oh, I'm so sorry, clocked my badge. She was like, I didn't know, I didn't know. Like, do you want us to get you, there's another lady coming who's pregnant and we've got her like a chair in case she needs to sit down. She was like, did you want us to get you? She said, there's another lady coming who's pregnant and we've got her like a chair in case she needs to sit down. She was like, did you want me to get you a chair? This is your other work. At the radio work.

Not a radio, it was like a paid event I went to. And she was like, so sorry, do you want us to get you a chair? And I was like, no, no, no, I'm fine. I was like, oh, sorry. She's clocked the badge. Oh, fucking another baby. And at that point I was like, right. I'm gonna take this

badge off. Finally. I'm going to take this badge off. This is getting, this is going too far. I'll use that for the commute home. I said, I just use it for the train actually. I said, no, I'm fine today. I'm not actually pregnant. This is from last winter. And somebody approached me on the train platform who listens to the podcast, a lovely listener. If you're listening, hello. She came up to me whilst I was wearing it. And then when I posted about it on Instagram, she replied to my story and she went, I saw you earlier. She must've been thinking, I listened to the podcast and she's not pregnant, the lying bitch. But she did say, she saw the funny side. She said, I'd leave it on if I were you and get a seat on the train. Yeah, that is a great ploy. Although we don't

do that though. Don't lie about being pregnant. Eight months sound a lot, people might be like, I've been seeing you for 8 months. This commute and you're still having an angel baby. You've still got a bump. So yeah, sorry to those people that I was a liar. She was a liar. I've taken them off now and newsflash, I'm not pregnant. Yet imagine this is how I announce it.

Guys. I'm having another baby. Oh God, I would live for the day. I'd love it so much. Absolutely wonderful. Told you didn't. My mom got pregnant with me when my sister was eight months. Sadie's eight months.

Sadie's eight months. And you're back to the itchy legs. Better get to it. Back in the same bed. Back in the same bed. Emma, the possibilities are endless right now. I'm so excited with the sex of Stefan. No, no.

Do you think he would like another one? He's always like, oh, I'm not like fully closed off to the idea. And I'm like, yeah, I bet you're not. You don't have to do any of the fucking work. Well, he does. He has to have sex with you. Not in a bad way. That's not work.

That's a bloody, that's a pleasure I'll have, you know. It's an absolute riot. I don't know where that came from. I thought we just meant. That's the easy bit. He hasn't got to be pregnant, give birth and look after a third child. I thought we meant the work of how we're going to get pregnant. No, that's the easy bit. Okay, yeah, I agree with that. After that, that's pretty much it.

That's his job here, Dan. Yeah, yeah. He checks out. You've got to carry. But I thought we meant like the process of actually making the baby. It's a two-way street. No, it is. Yeah, 50-50. of actually making the baby. It's a two way street. It is. Yeah. 50-50. But after that.

Yeah. It's a one man ban. Yeah, exactly. It's a one man situation. God, and you are back in bed together. Yeah. I'm excited for you. I better watch out. I better watch out. Better not cry. I was sleeping with one eye open.

Don't you? Don't come any any any. Do you find me sexy now? It's like the one-eyed snake, isn't it? I can't handle that. It reminds me of bridesmaids. Yeah, very aggressive. He just taps it around his face.

No, stay away from me. Oh, come on. Well, that's my secret. Well, that was Emma's secret. That was Emma's secret. Yeah. We're going to go into a small break. Yep.

And we'll be back after for some of yours. Calling all music buffs. Hey, hey, turn the volume up, yeah. Make Me A Mix tape is back. I'm Jordan Stevens. I'm Clara Anpho, and this is our weekly music show. A celebrity guest picks the theme. We select the tunes. And we battle it out to create the ultimate mix tape.

May the best music lover win. Oh, it's about to go down. Let's go! Let's go! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Make Me A Mix Tape. Listen only on BBC Sounds. Right, we are back after our short break. Apologies for how unhinged we are. Unhinged

this episode is. It's just dawned on us. How fucking erratic. The more episodes we do, the more delulu we get. So there's a whole lot of fingering blowies, itchy legs. You know, there's a whole lot of everything in this episode, but we're gonna stop talking about us and roll into three secrets we're gonna be discussing this week. So Emma, take it away with number one, please.

Hi ladies. I was so tired during the weekly shop that when I finally got home, I realized I'd somehow bought a massive pack of adult nappies instead of the regular baby ones. The cashier didn't even flinch when I paid, so now I'm wondering how old she thought I was. Now I'm stuck with a mountain of adult-sized nappies. Part of me is tempted to keep them, you know, just in case the toddler life leads to an unexpected accident of my own. From Tina. Didn't you buy the wrong size nappies the other day? Oh my God. Again, that's how much my head is so far rammed up my butt crack. I just, I've donated them now though. I took them down to the food bank. Yeah. But this actually,

Tina, this is a great, I don't know if they need them at like the hospital for like, cause I had the adult nappies for after giving birth. Oh yeah. Yeah. For bleeding. So again, donate. For bleeding or wee in? I had them just after birth.

Rather than using a pad, I use the disposable adult nappies. Yeah. So if you're in the market to donate them, that's a wonderful thing to donate. I think you can get like hygiene banks and stuff, can't you? You can get hygiene banks. Because I gave away, I bought, I bulk bought breast pads. I did my breast pads. I didn't need them. Yes. That's a wonderful thing to donate. I think you can get like hygiene banks and stuff, can't you? You can get hygiene banks. I bought, I bulk bought breast pads. I did my breast pads. And I didn't need them.

No. I didn't need 400 breast pads. I donated them. So I donated those. Yeah. So maybe you can- Anywhere that I can donate something, I definitely- Yeah.

I'm a donating whore. I love donating. And we, as we know, we love getting shit out of our house. Yeah, yeah. So just fuck it, bin it, chuck it, donate it. Check it, bin it, chuck it, fuck it. Get it fucking right. Yeah. We haven't done a check it, bin it, chuck it, donate it. Check it, bin it, chuck it, fuck it. Get it fucking right. We haven't done a check it, bin it,

chuck it, fuck it for a while. Actually got a skip in my garden as we speak at the moment. So I'm on my Christmas check it, bin it, chuck it, fuck it. You just chucking stuff out the window, getting rid of appliances, that sort of thing. Just get it out. Things that are broken, although we have got a lot of things,

I got it mainly for the renovation, but also some things that are just, we can, we can't, we can't salvage. When you broke your iron in board the other day, chuck that in the skip. I had to get it in the skip. So generally it's broken, I can't fix that. I just can't fix that. So yeah, chuck it, bin it, chuck it, fuck it. It's very in full swing.

It is. I, if I were you Tina, because I can't waste anything and I have to make use of everything, I'd be putting those adult nappies on my toddler. Would you? Yeah. I'd be like, I'm going to fucking make these fit. Even if I've got to wind the straps around five times. Bit duct tape. Yeah.

We won't waste them. Stand still. Fucking, you could use them for wrapping Christmas gifts. Very sustainable. Wrap it in there, very sustainable. Yeah. And even use them as a nappy after that. Yeah.

I mean, they're getting double bubble. Not only they're getting a gift, pants to wear on Christmas day. Yeah. Yeah. And even use them as a nappy after that. Yeah. I mean, they're getting double bubble. Not only they're getting a gift, pants to wear on Christmas day. Yeah. Don't have to use the toilet on Christmas day. Just, what are you doing? Taking a shit? Yeah. Just sit around the table. She called me. Filling your pants. Filling your boots and filling your pants. You don't even need to move. Dream. Tina, that could be the best gift that you could donate to your family on Christmas day. What have you got us all? Everyone's getting an adult nappy. We could all just sit and shit together in harmony.

Merry Christmas. Merry fucking Christmas. It's gonna be a pookus. Pookus? Poomus. Merry poomus. Poonami. Merry shitmas.

Okay. Oh gosh, thank you, Tina. We appreciate you. Okay, we're gonna roll in to number two. All right, this one says, hi girls, I'm a mum to an almost two year old and I've just found out I'm pregnant again. Oh, congratulations.

I'm due in July. Great month to have a birthday. Honestly, that's a phenomenal birthday month, isn't it for us? Yeah, all the best people are born in July. Right in the middle of the year. Yeah, love it. We love having a birthday in July, don't we? We do.

So there will be about a two and a half year gap between my little ones. This baby wasn't planned and while I feel so blessed and grateful I also have this huge wave of guilt that my first born won't be the baby anymore. Is that normal? Yes. Yes. I had an extremely traumatic birth with my first which ended in an emergency c-section under general anaesthesia. It left me with some pretty serious PTSD and postnatal depression. Now I'm terrified about how this birth will go too, especially since I'm really hoping for a V back. That's vaginal birth after cesarean. Is it normal to feel even more nervous the second time around and to have this intense mum guilt? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,

lots of yesy yes. How you're feeling is perfectly normal. Very, very normal. Obviously, me going from one to two, I was way more nervous about the second birth. Yeah, because you knew what was coming. Because you know what's coming. Yeah. So that feeling is completely, completely normal. Obviously, I am somebody that suffers with PTSD.

So from that aspect, I'm very aware of how you're feeling and going through all of that. Mine isn't from childbirth, mine is from other things. Obviously I can't speak on depression because I personally haven't experienced that myself. But I truly believe everything you're feeling is exactly how. So normal.

Yeah. And I think having the V back as well. I say trust your, I think you should go with your body. I feel like even at the last very second that you elect for, you might elect for a Caesarian. I think that is okay. Yeah. But it's even more unknown, isn't it? Because you've never had a vaginal birth before. Like I think I would have been way more nervous about Sadie's birth if I was having a V-back than having an elective caesarean. Because with a caesarean, I knew exactly what I was going into. I knew that it was going to be planned. Not like last time, not like the emergency section.

So Hannah said she was under general anaesthetic. Was she asleep? Yeah. So she won't remember that. Which is quite unusual for a caesarean, isn't it? Normally it's just the local anaesthetic. But even having a V-back after a caesarean where you're not under general anesthetic, it's still like a different birth. Like I, loads of people said to me like, don't you want to try a vaginal birth with saline? I asked you that and you were like, no. I was like, no, I absolutely, I was very sure that I didn't

want to. But I know a lot of people do, like my friend's about to have a baby and she's hoping for a VBAC and wants to do it that way around. And there's no reason why you can't have a vaginal birth after a cesarean but obviously it's very different so it's understandable that you're feeling a little bit anxious about what's to come but like you say even if you opt for an elective c-section or you end up having to have a cesarean it doesn't mean you're going to have the same experience as your first one. I was going to say again we have to remember the likelihood is that it's not going to be the same the second time. And I kept having to tell myself that every time I felt pregnant with the babies, I kept having to tell myself that it's a completely different pregnancy, it's a completely different

baby. Like I constantly repeated myself of that. And I think also going from one to two children, the feeling of guilt of the other one not feeling like a baby anymore. You find your way and they slot in, but they are more so the age gap between your two, Hannah is the same as Sadie and Joseph. Yeah, a little bit bigger, but yeah.

A little bit bigger and then Colby and Dottie. So I've been there and Joseph was, took a little bit longer, didn't he? He took a while. He did take a while. I constantly feel guilty even now that I can't give them both the attention that they need. But also I'm like, you know, like I feel guilty, like Sadie gets left a lot, but then also she's getting a more experienced parent to look after her and she's getting a sibling,

which Joseph never grew up with. So there's definitely like... I'm now, I've gone to the third and I feel guilty. I felt guilty when I was pregnant. I felt guilty now. You always feel guilty. I feel guilty that he's at home with Chris and the other two are at school and I'm not there to pick up the children from school

and I'm not there with Renly all day. The guilt, I promise you, never ever goes away. It never ever ends. And I just think the guilt is because you care so much. So I think in that aspect, it's completely normal to feel like that. And you're, it's only because you care and you love them so much.

And you will find your way to get them in. But also I will say, one enjoy, make sure you have lots of little dates. Me and Colby had lots of little dates, just the two of us. Enjoy the one-on-one time while you can. The one-on-one, yeah. And we spoke about the baby a lot. I used to be really honest and open with Colby. He had a little dates, just the two of us. Enjoy the one-on-one time while you can. The one-on-one, yeah. And we spoke about the baby a lot.

I used to be really honest and open with Colby. He had a little baby, had a little pram. Like he was on the journey with me, because it was just, again, the two of us at home while Chris was at work. And he was fine, wasn't he, when Dottie was born? I was, again, really lucky. I feel like I've been very, very lucky in both scenarios.

Colby took to Dottie, like he was obsessed with her from day dot. And I know that's not the same for everybody. And then I've been really lucky at them. Both of them were just utterly obsessed with Renly. So I do feel like in them scenarios, I have been very, very lucky, but that's not the same for everybody.

But just do lots of things to talk about the baby. Because the more you talk about it, even if it is to a two year old, the more you talk about it, the more it made me feel a lot better in talking about it. He used to calm me without realizing he knew he was calming me, you know? And also I think just go gentle on yourself.

Make sure you've got lots of lovely music, whether that be that you're going into Caesarian or you're going into have a- Vaginal. Yeah, vaginal. Have some music. Make sure you're talking about it with your partner. Make sure you're keeping it fresh in your mind. Always talk about your worries and your concerns.

And I just say, trust your body. Yeah. Cause no two, but labors are the same. No, no two babies are the same. No two babies are the same. I'm so excited. I am. I need to know Hannah how it goes.

Yeah, I should have said that's from Hannah in the Isle of Wight. Sorry. On the Isle of Wight. On the Isle of Wight. But I just, I wanna know how it goes. Yeah, let us know. Tell us everything.

And the only advice I'd say is it doesn't matter how the baby arrives, as long as baby is safe and you are safe. Yeah. That is the priority. And this close age gap, cause I'm always like, I have found it quite overwhelming having two small children with this age gap.

But what people always say to me is, it's gonna be so worth it. I had a small age gap with mine and they love each other now and they play together and it's all gonna be worth it when they're older and it's gonna be great. So hopefully the same is true for you and they'll be the best of friends. Yeah. I mean, they go through spells.

Still waiting for that moment. Well, we're in a spell at the moment where they bicker so much at the moment. And I think it's because Colby's gone, they've gone up a year at school. So Colby's in like year four. He's not the baby of the school anymore. So we're in a phase at the moment when they're very bickery, but it is a really lovely gap. I've really enjoyed this gap.

Do it to be fair, I'm enjoying the- The bigger gap as well though is nice, isn't it? I'm enjoying it all. I just love being a fucking mom, if I'm honest with you. And again, don't put pressure on yourself that if you want to be back, make sure it's your choice and don't put under any pressure. At the end of the day, no one gives a shit

about how the baby arrives. About how the baby arrives as long as you're healthy. Some people feel really strongly about like going to have a vaginal birth after a cesarean, like that's something that they wanna experience. I was like, no, thank you. If you wanna experience it, great, but also don't wanna feel like there's pressure

that you have to. Yeah, no one's ever gonna judge you or question you on how you brought your baby into this world. Like no one's asked me, well now obviously with Renly, but five years deep with Dottie, no one was like, oh, did you have a cesarean? An elective section can be quite a positive experience as well.

You can set it all up quite nicely, can't you? But you do you, how you're feeling is perfectly normal. Be prepared for your toddler to feel massive when you bring a baby home from hospital. That was the thing that struck me the most. I was like, Joseph is not my baby anymore. He's huge. He felt to me like a five-year-old child.

I was like, this boy is massive. And he'd just been like my little baby toddler. And then I was like, you're huge compared to her. It's crazy, it blows your mind. It's when you put them in a picture together, isn't huge compared to her. Yeah. It's crazy. It blows your mind. When you put them in a picture together, it is that as well. Yeah. They're like the scale.

Yeah. You're like, wow. Proud of you, Hannah. You're actually massive. Congratulations, Hannah. Congratulations. And please keep us updated. Yes.

How it goes. Santa? Is that you? Is that you? Right. Shall we have our last secret today? Yeah, this says, Hi Emma and Soph, we've got a real who done it in my house and I'm determined to solve it.

Who done it? I found a mysterious little present tucked behind the couch and not one soul in the house is willing to admit responsibility. Oh my god. Did she mean a turd? Was it a turd? She put present in quote marks. I thought it was going condom. Oh.

I don't know what I'm doing now. I'm so straight there. Straight there. Okay I've interrogated everyone, even the toddler who just stared. Oh okay fuck I take that back, put that in compliance. Even the toddler who just stared at me blankly. So what are you on about? And the dog who looked more offended than guilty. I'm starting to feel like an amateur detective on a case no one wants me to solve. Even considered setting up CCTV in the living room to catch the culprit. All my love, Jessie from Colorado, USA. Right, Jessie. So we're having this, is this poo present or present being repeatedly done?

Because how is she going to set up a camera if it's already been... She's got a repeat offender. It's a repeat offender. And we are saying it's a poo? Well, I don't know what it is. It must be a poo. If she's asking the dog. Who else is in the house is what I need to know.

Who are the other suspects? Who are the other suspects in the lineup? We've got the dog and the toddler. Who else? You've got a husband? Husband. A partner? Other children?

Burgliers? You know, get that CCTV. Because this is a recurring offence. And she's put up CCTV. Someone's doing it all the time. I'm going to say it's the dog. I think the toddler. Do you? Well, it depends if he's nappiless or if they're nappiless.

Oh, because if it's potty training, it could be. This is actually exciting, Jessie. Because I know people, my friends who are potty training their toddlers, some of them, they will go to a special place in the house to do their poo. They hide to do it. But don't dogs just sniff their own poo and just poo in the same place all the time? They do, but I would have thought a dog would be trained to go outside if it's not a puppy. Don't I? Depends what your dog's like, depends what your toddler's like. Might be backed up. It could be the only place that gets relief.

Could be. Well, Jessie, keep us informed. We need more information. We need more information. So how many in the lineup? Yeah. What is it? Is it a poo?

Yeah. What is the present? What's the frequency of? And how often is this happening? Is it once a day? Is it every day? Is it the same time every day? That's what I need to know.

We need to know. Yeah. Get that CCTV out. We want live footage inside the house of who's curling one out. What's the consistency like? Is your toddler's food coming out in the poo? Oh, right. Okay. Because sometimes when they've had a load of sweet potato or carrot, you can tell. Oh, crumbs. Okay. Maybe you're a detective on the actual poo now. Get your micro fine glass. What is it? Micro fine? Magnifying. Oh, one of them. Get the poo under there. Come on, Sherlock Holmes. Sister, are there any blueberry wheats in there? Yeah, exactly.

Thank you all for sharing your secrets this week. Everyone is welcome in the Secret Mum Club. And if you'd like to share your secrets with us, you can. The email is hello at secretmumpod.com or with Secret Mum Pod on TikTok and Instagram. Do you have a mystery pooper in your home? Or have you made an accidental purchase while sleep deprived? Let us know. There really is nothing too outrageous. And keep an eye out for our Thursday episode.

And we'll see you next time on the Secret Mom Club. This episode is brought to you by Google Pixel. I'm Jessi Krickschank. I host the number one comedy podcast called Phone a Friend. I also have three kids. I need help making every day easier. So I switched to Google Pixel. It's a phone powered by Gemini, your personal AI assistant. Gemini can help you summarize your unread emails, suggest what to make with the food

in your fridge, and it helped me achieve a family photo where everyone is smiling at the camera. I didn't think it was possible, but it is with Google Pixel 9. Learn more at store.google.com. Calling all music buffs. Hey, hey, turn the volume up, yeah? Make Me a Mixtape is back. I'm Jordan Stevens. I'm Clara Anfo, and this is our weekly music show. A celebrity guest picks the theme. We select the tunes.

And we battle it out to create the ultimate mix tape. May the best music lover win. Oh, it's about to go down. Let's go! Make Me A Mix Tape. Listen only on BBC Sounds.