Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Bum Balm

Episode Date: May 20, 2025

Emma’s watching TV (shock horror!), but only because the household’s been struck down with sickness, and a suspicious sausage might be to blame. Meanwhile, Soph’s dreaming up alternative careers and desperately needs a new pot of lip balm after Dottie gets her hands (and more) on it. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

When does fast grocery delivery through Instacart matter most? When your famous grainy mustard potato salad isn't so famous without the grainy mustard. When the barbecue's lit but there's nothing to grill. When the in-laws decide that actually they will stay for dinner. Instacart has all your groceries covered this summer. So download the app and get delivery in as fast as 60 minutes. Plus enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees, exclusions, and Greg James. Hi Alice Levine.

People might know you from the roundest podcast you do. It's cricket and people will know you I guess from, oh, my dad's in a scandal, whatever. Rude. Anyway, whatever podcasts you listen to, you are going to love this. We're here to tell you about the UK's biggest podcast festival, Crossed Wires. Great radio voice. It's three days of your favourite podcast shows, all in iconic venues across Sheffield from the 4th to the 6th of July. Let me give you some of the line up. Go on.

So Grimmy and Angela Hartnett are going to be doing Dish live. Amazing. We're also going to have We Need to Talk with Paul C. Brunson. On the Sofa. are going to be doing Dish live. Amazing. We're also going to have We Need To Talk with Paul C. Brunson. On the Sofa. The Corrie one. Secret Mum Club. And Drunk Women Solving Crime. We should also say We Have Help I Sexed In My Boss, but it sold out so quickly I'm almost

loath to mention it. Well then don't mention it. But actually I'm glad you did because that's a reminder. If you don't get tickets now you might not get them. Crossed Wires is a weekend of live podcast shows, but also free performances, after parties. We're generally just going to have a really lovely time. Tickets are on sale now. Head to crossedwires.live to get yours. That's crossed, C-R-O-S-S-E-D, wires, the usual spelling, then a full stop, then the word live. Is that clear? He's brains and beauty. Tell us who you are. You can keep that to yourself, you can be anonymous. And all those secrets can be serious or silly. All secrets are welcome in the...

Secret Mom Club! The Secret Mom Club Before we get into the start of this week, I'm actually straight up shit in my pants. I can't get past this fear of that we're going to crosswise. The live show. I literally walked into the studio this morning, it's like a bout of energy, like, fuck, I'm going to do this.

I can't. It's only like two months away now. Oh, I can't. And every week we get in here, it's a week closer. I'm terrified. And how quick do those weeks go? Oh, right. There we go.

I'll be back here next week. Still pooing my pants. No, it's gonna be good. We're excited. Our last one was a riot. It was fun. It's actually Saturday the 5th of July. Saturday the 5th of July. I'm having nightmares. Are you?

Yeah. I just don't want to fluff up, you know. I'm just excited to see the greenest city in, what was it? We keep getting fed facts about Sheffield. The greenest city in the UK? James told me a fact about it today. It's Steel Island. Oh. What did you say James on the train? It's famous for steel. Famous for steel. I totally made Steel Island. I was like, hold on, it's steel. So to the greenest place in England, James was like, yeah, actually like steel works, not like the place is made of steel.

Made of steel. We're heading to Sheffield Island. Yes. Sheffield Island? Well, you said it's an island. Steel Island. Steel Island. Green place. Sheffield Island. Well, you said it's an island. Steel Island. Green Place. Sheffield. Greenest place and I'm excited to go to the infamous shopping centre. You can still get tickets if you really want to see me on stage shit my pants. And who wouldn't want to see that? I mean, who wouldn't? People who play good money. Get your tickets at crossedwires.live

and please come and hang out with us for the afternoon. Yes. It'll be fun. Please do. Playhouse stage. But if you don't want to equally, that's okay. No. If it's just my mum and dad and all my family in the front row. That's basically. I totally get it. Yeah, the whole crew were there before. The first 20 rows were all Sophie's family. None of mine. That was Emma's choice though.

That wasn't me. I didn't take all the tickets and then go, sorry, none of yours can come. Yeah. I might invite my family this time. I think you should. So if you wanna meet the Jones family, get your tickets. How's your week been anyway? Oh God, chaotic. Let me know.

Chaotic, it's been a chaotic week. How's yours been? I don't actually say that. I say it's been chaotic, I don't actually know what I've done. I had a super fun weekend though. It's been so nice, isn't it? The weather.

Can we just address though, the hay fever? Are you looking at my eye? I love how you're looking dead into my eye. The one eye, the one gammy eye. Sophia just gave me some drops, drugs for my eyes. Are there any drugs in the house? When I say that, I mean hay fever drugs. If so, take them all now.

If they are, you better give them to me immediately. Oh yeah, I'm okay. I'm not okay, if I'm honest with you. It's consuming my life. If I go quiet on my social media, it's because I want to rip my fucking eyeballs out of my face. I know, I'm enjoying the weather, but it's been hell. It's hell.

You've got some blockers on permanently. I look mental when I go inside wearing sunglasses around Tesco and they're like, are you okay? I look like I'm doing a Kardashian maybe in Tesco. Sorry, I can't be here. That does keep happening to me because I've got prescription sunglasses as well as actual glasses.

And then you've got to do the switch. The summer's a nightmare because I'm not taking two pairs of glasses out. So I walk around inside. Disneyland Paris, I was on the darkest of rides with my shades on. People must have thought I was insane. I was like, it can either be light, but I'm blind.

Or I can see everything but it's dark. You could get them ones that just clip over the top. Yeah, or get reactor lenses. No, I'm not a 65 year old man. You could get them ones that just clip over the top. Or get reactor lenses. No, I'm not a 65 year old man. Or just get the other pair on a chain. Chains, they're actually back in. I wear a chain on mine. Yeah, I might do that.

Mine come on the chain, the glass came on the chain. I didn't add. I was on Tower of Terror, the darkest ride, the pitch black ride. I would keep my shirt on for that. Yes, you can't see anything. I need it to be dark. Block out the scary girl. I would keep my shirt on for that. Yes, you can't see anything. I need it to be dark. Block out the scary girl.

I'm falling 13 floors. You better believe her. I'm wearing a fucking bin bag. Bag over your head. I look all right, knob. So no, my eye is okay. It's not, it's not actually okay. No, it's been bad.

It's really fucking itchy. May and June for me is when it really kicks off. Maybe. Fucking it's all kicking off. Does it look bad? Your, what is that? Left eye? Yeah.

Leaks the left eye. It looks sore. It is a little bit. I'm not going to lie. Anyway, so it's been fun in the sun. It's been fun but hell. Yeah. It comes at a price.

Yeah. But no, we've just been enjoying the weather. We did lots of walks. I did an eight mile walk yesterday. Did you? Yeah, I did. Eight miles and running up my seven thousand back. I was thinking more, lose yourself in the music, the moment you want it, you better never let it go.

It was a film. Eight mile. Yeah. I had a really funny conversation about that the other day with my sister. She was talking about three mile or somebody wasn't in the film. And I was like, none of them people are in it. It's Eminem. She was like, no. That was a fun fact. Oh, Green Mile. She was talking to me of them people are in it is Eminem. She was like, no, that was a fun fact. Oh, Green Mile. She was talking to me about Green Mile or something.

About the prison. Eminem's in there with, you know, B Rabbit. And she was like, what are you talking about? Not 8 Mile, Green Mile. You know, Tom Hanks, Eminem. What are you? Fun fact, that was the first film I went to see with my high school boyfriend at the cinema. Was it? The one I'm still in love with.

You're still texting, snapping, with your snappy chappity. Still going to the cinema together. Still chilling. Do you know, I have a weird obsession with the film The Terminal and I thought no one knew about it. Tom Hanks again. It is Tom Hanks. Yeah, where can I bet on the Nike shoes?

I've never seen it. Surprise, surprise. Shock, shock. It's a classic film. Anyhow, we dig better than I can choose? I've never seen it. Surprise, surprise. Shock, shock. It's a classic film. Anyway, we digress. Yes, tell me about your week. Sorry, it's been a hell of a week.

I just had loads of fun. We'd just been back at school, walking, getting my steps in, enjoying the sunshine. I have a little burn on the shoulders. You look tan. What can I say? You're so tan. I'm a glowing goddess.

I know for a girl that's struggling with the hay fever, I've spent a lot of time in the sunshine. I've got lines here though, can you see them? Yeah, you've got tan lines, is that sunglasses? No, that's my wrinkles. That's cause I'm squinting. And then I was like, listen, I even gonna get wrinkle lines

or I'm gonna get glasses lines. So I took the laughter lines cause I'm permanently like this. Yeah, Sadie's a real squinter. I didn't know you could inherit squinting, but she's really inherited that for me. You're not a squinter. I'm really in bright light.

I need shades on all the time. That's why I've got the prescription sunglasses. I nearly called you a squirter. What the fucking hell? That took a dramatic turn. But she's inherited my squinty face. And I think she must be as susceptible to sunlight as I am. She's itched like this all the time.

I thought Renly, I think Renly is, but I don't know whether it's because he war shades for the first two weeks of his life. Maybe. Yeah. And he does love his little muzzy across his eyes at nighttime when it's getting too light. Yeah, he loves it dark. Oh, I bought Sadie a little pair of sunglasses.

And I thought there's no way she's gonna leave them on babies. Does she? They just rip stuff up. She loves it. Did she get the ones with the bans around the back? No, it's just, they just go over her ears, but she leaves them on like, she probably just leaves them on and she can take them off and put them on again. stuff up. She loves it. Did she get the ones with the bands around the back? No, it's just, they just go over her ears, but she leaves them on like, she probably just leaves them on and she can take them off and put them on again. Stop it. She loves it. Yeah. That's fucking trendy. That's trendy as hell.

Yeah. Or Tom Jones. The new Urkel shades. I feel like he's just cool as shit, isn't he? He is cool, yeah. So random today. Welcome to my brain. So no, that's all we've been doing. Had a nice weekend. The boys went off to see Man City down at the Saint Stadium. And then we just had a picky dinner. Saw your buffet. Lovely buffet. I had my nieces over for a sleepover. That was exciting for all the babies.

Is that when you did the picky tea, the buffet? We had the picky tea when the boys came back from football. Oh, that was nice. And then the girls stayed. And then we went for a walk in the morning, met my sister, James, cause he's here. I should just say Roxanne and James, cause at this point you know who they are. They met us with the doggy down at the park. We say I know who they are.

I walked in today and had a weird moment where, cause I've met James once before in a live show. When you look at somebody and you're like, fuck, how do I know them? But I walked in and I was like, you're not normally here, but also I've seen your face before. And then I was like, ah, yeah.

Then my brain finally like computed and I went, oh yeah, I met you five months ago. Do you ever do that thing when you do see people out and you think, how do I know them? Yeah. Have I slept with them? That's not my first thought, no. That's probably mine.

It happens with me all the time. People always go, oh, hi, nice to see you again. And I'm like, we haven't met before. Or people will be like, hi, nice to meet you. And I'm like, no, we've met before. I think I've just so generic. I get people that say to me all the time, oh my God, you look like you look familiar.

My best friend. There was a lady bless her heart in Iceland the other day and she was like, Oh my God, I have to tell you, you look just like the woman. I listened to her podcast. I see her on, I see her on TikTok and you look just like her. And then my sister come through the door and say, it's me, it's me. I didn't know whether to say, Oh, it's me. Then I felt really rude. But then it's also embarrassing to be like, if she's like, no, I don't mean you. Yeah. I'm sorry. I meant the co-host you're with. Oh, Emma Jones. So yeah, she's... And the woman, bless her heart, just looked at me and was like, you asked Safina. I was like, oh my gosh. Sorry. She might be listening to this and thinking what an absolute plonker. But in that moment, I was very, very nervous.

Lovely to meet you. But yeah, no, it's been a wonderful week. Pretty plodding this week, to be honest. I have got a lot of life admin going on at the moment. Obviously, can't really talk about too much at the moment. That seems like I'm holding private information from you. But no, I've got a lot of life admin and it's consuming my brain a little bit. And I don't feel like I can manage the two. I'm either all in or I'm all out. Do you know what I mean? Kind of. I'm either on the ball with everything or I have to check out because I can't do it all. I agree. Yeah. I feel like overwhelmed by tasks. Yes, that's a great word. Once I start ticking them off, I'll have a day where I'm like smashing it. Yes.

And then I'll do nothing for like four weeks. And then I think, oh, well I done it all the other day. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I do. I've done so much today. I opened one letter. That's enough. You know?

Yeah. I've watched a whole eight episode series today. Hello. I never get to watch any TV anymore, really. I watched a whole series in a day the other day. Stop it. So rare for me. Four seasons on Netflix, have you watched it?

With Tina Fey. Yeah, I got bored after three. Did you? Yeah, I had to turn it off. It's the half an hour episodes for me, snappy. It wasn't, I actually watched forever on Netflix. Have you seen it advertised? People talking about it on social media.

Yeah, I have. I haven't watched it. It was a book. Apparently it was a book. But there's also another really great crime documentary. And it, me and my sister watched it in two separate houses, but it's actually infuriated me. It made me very, very angry.

Is this forever? It's new. No, this is another one you need to watch, crime documentary on Netflix. I do love a good true crime. It's about husband and wife, deadly. American. Marriage.

You need to watch it. I love that you didn't know what it was. You just helped me there. Yeah. It's actually infuriated me. And again, I get so in deep with these films series that I actually start thinking it's my real life. And then I think, God, and I consume my whole life around and I just, I can't get out of my head like good two days. Maybe you shouldn't watch true crime things. Maybe I should change my career. Maybe I'm missing out on a FBI CSI.

Yes, you could be a detective. Maybe that was my calling in life. You could be. I would love to be a detective. Would you? Although I fainted like a cut finger. So I, yeah, no. I could never.

I don't think I'd cope with like a hand just floating down a stream. No, I think, I think it'd be a bit too much. I think you're a bit sensitive for. Yeah, I'd love to be a midwife, right? You take people's things on too much. Yes, I'm a sponge. You're so invested, yeah.

I'd eat up being a midwife, I'd love it. Chef's kiss. Yeah. I don't think I could, if they say, cut her, the baby's coming. Yeah. Someone else do it. Yeah. I can't, no. Yeah, because it, cut her, the baby's coming. Yeah. Someone else do it. Yeah.

I can't. Yeah, because it's bad as well as good. Yeah. Isn't it? I just, I just don't think I can obviously watch the baby coming out. Like I'd be fully great in there. I'm not bothered by blood. If I've got to cut anything though, or anything spurts at me.

Oh yeah. Not the one for you then. I don't think so. No. No. But I take my hat off to, I honestly take my hat off to everybody that does. Police, bin men, midwives, doctors. All of it.

Gym people, what are they called? Fitness instructors. Yeah. Just find it phenomenal. Everybody in their job is just great, aren't they? Because these are all jobs that I don't think I'd be able to do. Although I think I'd be a really great bin lady.

Do you? Yeah, I'd love to ride the back of that truck. I'd have to be in America though, because I want to ride the back of the bin lorry. Yeah. So I can just swing out and just grab the bin and toss it in. You also famously love throwing shit out. So that's perfect. Yes. Yes. I'm no hoarder. No hoarder here. But anywho, that's my week. Get this ASMR. We've all been ill. Oh, what? Again? Has it been again? Sadie was ill last week. Yeah, she was ill. I had to take a day off work to look after her. That's how I managed to bash out the whole Netflix series in a day. And then you said that she'd got better and Jojo and Stefan picked it up. She got better and then no, Stefan was fine. Joseph

picked it up and then I picked it up. Oh fucking hell. Stefan avoided it somehow. He was out with his ex. Yeah, he's probably out playing golf. Yeah. Yeah, Joseph didn't have it as bad as Sadie, obviously because he's older, he's probably got a bit of a better immune system. So he wasn't as ill, but he did still wake up with like a raging temp at the weekend. So we're just managing that with like Calpon, ibuprofen.

And then I had a weird like, it was only for like eight hours, maybe like 10 hours overnight. Just felt a bit sick before I went to bed. I was getting a bit like that shivery kind of flu-y feeling. You know when your skin is like sensitive to the touch, I said to Stefan, oh no, it's happening, I'm coming down with it.

He was like, don't put yourself into it. I was like, no, I was like, this is the end. I was like freezing on a really hot day. I was like, oh no, it's happening. And if I go down, the whole system falls apart. That's it, all system. Mums can't be ill, you know? So I was panicking about that

and I had a whole night overnight on Saturday where I just had the shits. What? Yeah. I hate that when it comes out of nowhere. Do you hate like just waking up in the middle of the night when you wake up because the baby's, and I've had time to have woken up and I had to go for a poo

and I think I wouldn't be asleep now, it's 2 a.m. Why is my body telling me I need to shit? Why has it taken up so much time? Four times in the night on Saturday. Four times you had a poo. And the kids weren't even waking me up. It's my own stupid fault. That is savage. But we had been to a barbecue that day.

So I was like, is it the virus or is it a dodgy sausage? I wasn't sure. I think the timing was more- The dodgy sausage gave you the shits. I think the timing was more right for the barbecue. Oh crumbs. I don't know. Anyway.

Don't blame your friends cooking. No, well that's another story. The barbecue, let me tell you. Oh crumbs. Absolute babysitting fail on Saturday. When I tell you, my heart sank. Oh my God, please, I've just watched that Stolen Child. Have you seen that documentary? Yeah, you told me about it. Oh my Christ, you're not going to tell me something awful now, are you?

Nothing bad has happened. Right, okay. Holy moly, my ass fell out of my chair then. I probably would have fled with that when I saw you if that was really bad news. I would imagine you wouldn't be here. Right, back to work. No, we were meant to have our babysitter, our lovely nanny who comes in the morning to help us out. She was meant to be coming on a Saturday to help us out so me and Stefan could go to our

friend's barbecue on Saturday afternoon. We were like, it's going to be great. We never really get any time to free time, time just us two. So I was like, this is gonna be a great few hours on Saturday afternoon. The weather was looking really nice. There are people we don't get to see that often. I was like, this is gonna be lovely.

I'm really looking forward to it. I rang her on Saturday and I was like, cause she was meant to be coming at midday and it was like quarter past 12. Me and Stefan were like ready to go. So I was like, it's not like her to be late. I phoned her and I was like, are you still on for today? She was like, yeah's not like her to be late. I phoned her and I was like, are you still on for today?

She was like, yeah, half five, yeah. And I was like, no, it was meant to be 12. You went to be here 15 minutes ago. She was like, oh, I'm so sorry. She was like, I don't know how I've got that so wrong. But she was like, I'm currently looking after another little boy. Oh no.

Around the corner. And I was like, okay, well we're ready and waiting to go to this barbecue. So I'd asked her to do 12 to half five and she'd just missed the 12th bit and just thought the half five was the start time, not the finish time. Right.

Me and Stefan were like, the one day where we were gonna be allowed like a little bit of time. And I was like, do you know what? It was like a really hot sunny day. I was like, what else are we gonna do with them? I was like, we're all going, let was like a really hot, sunny day. I was like, what else are we going to do with them? I was like, we're all going, let's just make a call. Let's get in the car, let's make a decision.

Let's just go. And we all just slept up to North London. It was like the other side of town. So it took us like ages to get there. But I was like, let's just bundle everyone into the car. It was like a child-friendly barbecue anyway. There were loads of other kids there. There was like a paddling pool and stuff.

So it was like fine. But do you know when you're just like, and then it was like a long journey. So the kids routines were all off, like they slept in the car when they weren't supposed to. They ate rubbish that day. Like they would just snack in, they weren't really eating full meals. And I was like, they're not going to have a good night's sleep because they're going to be hungry and their routines are all off and they have to stay up late. And just like, it's like one domino falls and then like the whole day, the whole thing falls apart and just implodes. But it was fine.

We still had a nice time, but like we just turned up in such a whirlwind. I bet she was so sad. Was she really apologetic? She was really apologetic. Yeah, bless her. It's so hard, isn't it? It's an easy mistake to make.

It's fine. She just misread the text. It's just one of those things where you're like, oh really? Now we're gonna spend like three hours in the car on a hot day driving across London. But did the babies have a good time? They were, I mean, Sadie was, yeah.

It was hot, wasn't it? They were all right, it was really hot. And Joseph was still a little bit under the weather. So he was a little bit clingy and like, you know, fine. But, and he's shy anyway. So he kind of just like, just sits on my lap at those things and like doesn't really get involved. But Sadie, obviously, bell of the weather. So he was a little bit clingy and like, you know, fine. But, and he's shy anyway. So he kind of just like, just sits on my lap at those things and like doesn't really get involved. But Sadie obviously bell of the bull. She's like bowling around everywhere, you know, living her best life. Does he, I was meant to ask you the other day actually, does he follow Sue like at this sort

of an event, will he follow Sadie? So Sadie, so that's what Richie used to do. He used to watch me and be like, oh, she's gone in, must be safe. I'll go in. So what Richie used to do. He used to watch me and be like, and copy you. Well, she's gone in, must be safe. I'll go in. So then Richie would, cause he was the quiet one and really reserved. I don't know. He's like, maybe cause he was a bit under the weather,

but he is generally like really reserved anyway. And he would go inside and play, but he wanted me and Stefan to always be with him. Be with him, yeah. Yeah. Whereas normally he'd be, I don't know. I don't know. He's-

He'd venture out a little bit not too far. Yeah, he's all right once he warms up. But like Sadie's'd be, I dunno, I dunno. He's- He'd venture out a little, but not too far. Yeah, he's all right once he warms up. But like Sadie's obviously like, she's so young. She's got no like- No fear. No fear. Is it a fear factor now? Is it like a, they've got no, I dunno, I would like to say they've got no separation anxiety, but I own a Velcro baby that literally

is permanently attached to me. I mean, she literally has no fear. Like she fell head over heels into a bed of flowers at one point because she's like trying to walk and like shimmy her way along and the ground was really uneven. I was chatting to my friend, she was like, Sadie's in the plants. She wasn't crying.

She's legs in the air. Legs are gimped by all. I was like, oh yeah, whoops, let me just go and grab her. Retrieve her from the plant bed. Yeah, yeah, but it was, it turned out fine, but it was just one of those things that you're just like, oh, say. Renny doesn't even let Chris push the pram anymore.

No. Screams at Chris pushing the pram. He can't pick him up. He can't even look at him. Can't even look at him. Do you know what? Joseph's going through a bit of a Stefan preference at the moment. And it's like, I definitely do think they go through stages. They do go through stages. But when he was obsessed with me, I was like, oh God, I wish you would just like give me a break and like, let Stefan do something. And now he's started being like, after the bath, he's like, I want daddy, like, no, let daddy do it. I don't be like, um, I don't really know what to say about this. What's the problem with me? It's

because Stefan started picking him up from nursery. Which he was the first time. Yeah, but then when it's not, cause Stefan always drops them off at nursery, which is why he didn't like him at the start. Didn't like him at the start. That was what started the whole problem. And then Stefan, when Stefan picks him up, but he comes home and sees that I'm there with Sadie, he's like, why the fuck didn't you come pick me up, you lazy bitch?

And then he takes it out on me the whole night and he just like ignores me and all he wants to know is Stefan. So I'm like, I was like kind of wishing for this, but now I'm a little bit devastated. I'll actually take it back. Yeah. Actually, do you want to come back a little bit like, I was like kind of wishing for this, but now I'm a little bit devastated. I'll actually take it back. Yeah. Actually, do you want to come back to me? Yeah, I'm like, want me, need me.

Come back to me. But also Stefan has to do two bedtimes then, Jojo and Sadie. So I'm like, okay, well I guess I'll just- Sorry about that. Just pop this beverage-ino downstairs. I'm like, well I'll better go and pour a glass of wine then. See you later.

So Emma and I really want to hear from you. Yeah, we want you to join us in the Secret Mom Club. You're all welcome. You can share your secrets with us, respond to what we've been talking about, or just say hello. You can find us on TikTok and Instagram. Just search Secret Mom Pod,

or you can email us hello at secretmompod.com. Are you tired of being told to pipe down pet? Calm down love Or worst of all Get a grip It just gets us so riled up even thinking about it Well if you're sick of biting your tongue we're here to help you let it all hang out To call out the chaos and make some noise I'm Angela Scanlon And I'm Vicky Patterson

Our new podcast is the unapologetic group chat you've always wanted Introducing Get a Grip. So if you're done with holding back, this is your space. Listen wherever you get your podcasts. It's time for another correspondence corner. Correspondence corner for a bit of AMSMSMR. This also really fucking annoys Zofia because she hates the whispering in the head in the Correspondence corner. Correspondence corner. For a bit of AMSMSMR. This also really fucking annoys Zofia because she hates the whispering in the head, in the muff.

AMSMR. Hello. I would like to use this as... I can't even do it. I try and whisper so long and then I get so fucking bored. But anywho, it's time for... Correspondence corner. So go on Emma.

See if you can whisper that. No, I'm joking. Don't, Zofia might throw something at you. This one says, hello ladies. No, seriously. This one says, hello ladies. I just had to respond to the lost condom story. I wasn't prepared for that.

I was actually retelling that story at the barbecue the other day. Jesus Christ. People couldn't believe it. How she lost that Johnny, I have no idea. I can confirm from personal experience that yes, you can get pregnant from losing a condom. This was what I was worried about. About 18 years ago, this happened to me and my husband.

We fished it out straight away. Lol, she says in brackets. And just to be safe, I went and got the morning after pill, but there was nothing in it. A few weeks later, I wasn't feeling quite right. And it turned out I was pregnant. Sadly, we lost the baby at 10 weeks, but we later went on to have two boys, just a year apart, who are now 16 and 17.

The running joke is that my husband has supersonic sperm. They've managed to make it through a condom, the morning after pill and even the mini pill, which I was on when I conceived our second son three months later. Wow. Wow. Keep doing what you're doing, All the best, Hayley.

That is strong swimmers he's got there. Holy moly. Managed to get past like three barriers. Oh, and do you know what? And this is something as well. And I don't want anyone to take any offense from this. And obviously, Hayley, I mean, no harm in it. But obviously, I went, I had my miscarriage between Colby and Dottie. And I kind of, and I don't know that is anybody is right or wrong,

but I kind of, I don't joke about it because obviously it's not funny, but I have to find a humor or something to, to relate it to being a wonderful memory for me. Like I take a lot from the fact that I have Dottie, which is a wonderful memory from such a really sad time. But I always, always kind of look at like the funny or things that happened while I was going through it to give me like a wonderful memory of that time. And I like to look at it as a really positive memory. So I do things to make me remember it in a positive way rather than it, because it hurts some days. it does hurt and I question myself a lot.

And even now I've got two children since having the miscarriage, it's still very painful and it'll just spring up on me out of the blue or I'll watch something on the telly. And I love that as sad as this is, Hailey's story, it's really nice to see like that there is that element of she's- They've made a nice memory out of it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And this is a long time ago for her. This is probably like 18 years ago. Yeah, 18 years ago. So she's got like some perspective on it now. Yes, and I like that it's a nice memory to look back at. And boys two, one year apart, of course. Again, supersonic spermies.

Yeah, wow. Just riding up in that foo foo. Wow. To get kids- He actually went through a condom. Yeah, pill. Anamini pill. Anamini. Anaminy pill. To get kids a year apart, you've got to get pregnant when you're like, you've got a few months, your baby's like a few months old. Do you think you'd get pregnant while you're pregnant? No. No? What are Irish twins then?

That's when they're like in the same year of school, but they're not actually twins. So that's what I mean. That's when you have them really close together is what it's called. That's probably what these guys are 16, 17. Maybe one's just turned 16 and one's about to turn 18. Yeah, it could be that. They could be a bit longer than a year in between. But you'd still have to get pregnant when your child, when your first baby was like quite young, wouldn't you? Yeah.

There's 17 months between me and my sister and my mom got pregnant when Haley was eight months. So there you go. And at some points in the year- You weren't Irish twins, so you weren't in the same year at school, you and Hayley. No, that's true.

But at some points in the year, it seems like there's only a year between our age, do I mean? Like I'm 36, she's 37, for example. Perfect sense. Anywho, love that. Thank you, Hayley, so much. Yeah, thank you.

Oh, Hayley. Oh, another Hayley. Another Hayley, sorry. Just twigged it. I've loved that, that twig to me first before you. Oh yeah, my sister, yeah.. Oh, another Hayley. Another Hayley, sorry. Just twigged it. I'd love that, that twigged to me first before you. Oh yeah, my sister, yeah. Your sister. Yes. Oh yeah, that's her name. So you can get in touch with us on anything at all. Yeah, it can be serious or silly and you can be totally anonymous.

Because between us, we've probably heard it all before. And remember. We need to make up for this after last week because that one was fucking weak. Ready? Yeah. We're all in this together and we know that we are, we're all stars and we see that. I hope you can't see my hairy pits. I can actually. Wow, that's some good growth edge you've got on there. You need to buckle the fuck up for this.

Oh yeah. Secret of the week. We're going to roll in. We're not going to waste no time. Picture the scene, me and Dots lying in bed watching a film. Okay. She is obsessed with my little lip balm. My little lip balm looks like a teddy. It's Dr. Jert. I think I told you about that. Did I tell you about that?

No. Maybe it was Instagram. It looks like a teddy bear. So she loves it because she's like, oh, can I put your little teddy bear? So she sat there and she's rubbing her lip balm on. And then she rubs my lip balm on and she goes, Oh, I've got a bit of a dirty finger. And I was like, Oh, okay. Well, you can use a different finger. And she went, well, I will use a different finger because I actually did put that one up my bum earlier. I said, sorry. She said, I went to the toilet, mommy, and I was wiping my bum and I accidentally inserted my finger in my bum. So I stopped what I was doing. I went to the sink and I was wiping my bum and I accidentally inserted my finger in my bum. So I stopped

what I was doing. I went to the sink and I washed my hands and then I did continue to wipe my bum but then I forgot to wash them again. But I think that just might be poo under my nail. Actually it's been fishing around in your lip balm. Sorry, on the finger that you've currently just used to wipe lip balm on my lips. So we're following on from the Foo Foo Sponge to now I'm Pooey Lip Balm. And it just come out of nowhere. You know when you're just lying there and you're like,

I don't really know. And she went, it's okay because it's still under my nails so it's not on your lip. But I said, I know, but there's nail marks dot in my lip balm. So that means poo particles that are in there. And she was like, it's okay, it's okay. Just use the lid to sort of smear it off

and smear it around, because that's what I do. And I was like, all right, okay then. I shit you not, there was poo in the top of the lid of the lip balm. Because she's obviously been running her finger around the rim of the lip balm. The windy bit on the lip balm is obviously caught under her nail. So there's just poo in my lip balm. And you know when you lie then you think why? Why didn't you tell me that two minutes ago before you put your finger in my mouth? Why didn't you come out of the bathroom and tell me that you've accidentally,

you've put your, she put her finger through the loo roll and then she was like, oh, I inserted my finger in my bum. So is she wiping her own thumb these days? Always has done, Doc. Miss independent. Wow. But now I'm questioning everything, you know? Yeah. I'm questioning every time that she says she's so clean. Everything she's touched in the house.

Everything in the bathroom. Everything she puts in her mouth. Oh, gosh. I had poo lip balm on my face. Are you sick yet? No, I felt sick. Do you know what you're probably used to? And do you know what? It's the first lip balm that I found

that I can actually stomach. Yeah, because you don't like anything sticky or wet. I'm never ever going to touch a lip balm. Look how dry I am today. I'm dry as fuck. No product on your face. Because my lip balm is covered in my daughter's feces. What the fuck?

Have you thrown it away? Look how dry I am. Yes, I bloody threw it away. She cried her eyes out because she didn't want me to get rid of the lip balm. I said, what do you expect? It's got your shit everywhere. It's got poo in it. And it was just how casually she went,

oh yeah, probably best I do use another finger. Cause I did actually put that one, insert that one in my bum. I love how honest she is with you though. She just comes out with it, doesn't she? She just has no filter. No. No filter. I love that.

So here I am. Not only am I using my daughter's Foo Foo Sponge on my face, I now am proudly wearing her poo. Shit lips. Shit lips. I got shit on my lips, literally. There you go. Oh my God, think about all the other things

that she might have contaminated. Emma, I can't bring myself to think of these things. And you know, when I said to her like, this is your lip balm, you use your lip balm. And I thought, what a treat, we're in bed, we're in my bed. We're in my bed, my bed. That is my lip balm, my.

I don't wanna be angry with her because you know, she's six. I know. You know, she's wiping her own bum. She's doing big bits, you know? She's being a big girl. And I thought, let's go to bed, watch a film. The boys are playing the play, the thingy,

Nintendo thing, Mario on the telly. So I thought, let's have some girl time. It's a reason I don't do this. It's a reason we just stick to our own lip balms, our own beds, our own bedside tables. Yeah. So you'll never be hanging out with her again. Yeah, she can hang out with me,

but she's not, she can't touch the lip balm. She can't just be- Can't touch anything. I just can't. I just, do you know what? It's not actually even a shock for me anymore. No. I don't feel- I'm not surprised.

I don't feel shocked. I don't feel shocked. Add it to the book. But it was the fact also, I said to her, you do know you carried on wiping your bum after you wiped your finger because you thought it had poo on it, but you continued to wipe your bum and then you just left the bathroom.

You didn't wash your hands again. She's like, it's okay, because I used a lot of soap because there was a lot of poo on my finger. Yeah, before you then touched your. I know, because it's all in my lip balm. So if you ever need shit on your lips, I hear it does wonders. The inability for kids to know when they're dirty is wild.

Like Joseph has been coming home from nursery absolutely filthy because the weather's been nice. Yeah. They've been playing in the garden loads. he literally comes back and he looks like he's been like rolling in tarmac like he's like black he's got dirt under his nails and i'll be like right we need to like wash your hands get you in the bath he's like i'm not dirty i'm like are you joking you literally are a walking germy ball yeah absolute filth bag oh there you go so if you ever have poo Yeah. Absolutely filth bag. Oh, there you go. So if you ever have poo under your nail,

don't use lip balm. Or if you suspect any brown bits in your balm. Oh no. Best believe it could be poo. Let that be a lesson. Nothing is a surprise anymore. No. You know? No.

And here we are, just rubbing shit all around our lips. So that's my secret. We'll get into some of yours after this short break. We've got three secrets from you we're going to be discussing this week. So Emma, roll away with number one. Hello ladies. Hello. I'm a mum of two teenage boys and the youngest is 15. The other day I picked him up from school and he told me they'd been learning about contraceptives in PSHE. He said women seem to have to use more than men to stop pregnancy and protect against viruses, which I thought was really sweet. Nice to see him considering the woman's perspective. Then he said, I was shocked by

the medieval ones. I assume they've been looking at the history of contraception and thought, wow, that's pretty in depth. But no, he followed it up with, does it really hurt? I was confused and asked, Does what hurt? He replied, That spiky thing, the long straw stick with the grappling hook on the end, they shoot up inside you to stop pregnancy. I was trying so hard not to burst out laughing. It took me most of the car ride home to compose myself. Before explaining, he was describing the copper coil, not a grappling hook. All I'll say is evil is to come,

Megan in East Yorkshire. Oh, oh, oh, God bless his heart. That does sound really savage though, doesn't it? It does sound really savage. Wow, I've never had a coil, but that sounds. I think it's an umbrella though. It goes in, down, and then it pops up. Pops up when it's inside.

Yeah, yeah, I don't know, I've never had the coil. Well, I know some people's experience of having them fitted is really painful though. Yeah, because they can get lodged, can't they? Yes. Yes. I know that they're painful, but I wouldn't say they're painful going in. Well, I don't think they are. Are they painful going in? Sophie's saying they're painful. Have you got one? That's what I mean. Are they open or closed? Open out. Holy moly. They do fucking hurt. There's me laughing. I thought he meant like, you know, one of them chain and balls and they just ram it straight up your foo foo.

Like a medieval like torture thing. Yes, that's what I thought he was talking about. No, that's what I mean. Like he's joking, but actually having them fitted, I think it can be really painful. Oh my gosh. Yeah. I don't know how I felt, but I always envision a little, you know, when you have a little cocktail. Cocktail umbrella. The cocktail umbrella that they put on your cup and I thought I can't have one of them inside of me. I think having them in and out can be really painful. How do they take them out? Just yank them? Wow. Oh, Megan, I, to be fair, I'm excited for this next step. Yeah. And I love that he's taking such an interest in- How lovely. Yeah, I was about to say, how wonderful of him to-

Really observant. Take that from that, yes. Take all of that information from that conversation to say, and then be able to differentiate between women having more to men. Yeah, I think that's actually really- Kudos to you, Megan, I'd say. Go you, girl. I'm glad they're now doing more

than just putting condoms on bananas, which is what we did. I didn't, I flinged mine across the road. Did you? Of course I did. Or I filled one with water, and then I shook it out of my rucksack to the road. Did you? Of course you did. Of course I did. Or I filled one with water and then I shook it out of my rucksack to the playground. And then started a water fire.

I did, I threw the Johnny of water to somebody and then they were like, oh god. And I was in trouble. Don't do that at school kids. But thank you, Megan, so very much. Yeah, thank you. And what a sweet boy. What a sweet boy. You've done yourself so proud.

Bless you. Okay, let's have secret number two. All right this one says dear Sophie and Emma I need to get something off my chest. My husband and I are child free by choice but I'm fully invested in all the highs and lows of our siblings and your beautiful children. Oh thank you. God bless you. In my experience saying you're child free by choice gets a bad rap contrary to popular opinion we don't hate children in fact we absolutely embrace the auntie and uncle life. I've even dedicated my career to supporting other people's children. And after a bit of traveling,

I plan to foster kids who need a second chance. I may not have a traditional maternal instinct, but my biggest passion is showing the children who are already here that they matter and they belong. Just because I've chosen not to have my own, it doesn't mean I judge anyone who has, but I'm so bored of the constant questions. When are you having children?

Why don't you want them? You'll change your mind. I can't be the only child free by choice woman listening to this pod as her guilty pleasure. So my message is this, fuck the haters. We love you so for that. My Tuesdays and Thursdays are my favorite commute. Anonymous from Southampton.

She's a homie too. Oh my girl. I think this has been a really big topic of conversation recently because who was it who came out a singer, Chapel Rowan said, people I know who've got kids, none of them are happy. And it like everyone whose parents like was like. I just feel like there's such a thing of like we all have to have

an opinion on somebody that isn't doing life the same as you. Or somebody like I just don't understand like where we as humans get off on like, if somebody is doing something with their life or their choices, who, I just don't know, I just can't fathom in my head how we have the right to just be like, why the fuck aren't you having children? Like, or to tell someone because they have children,

God, you must have a really boring fucking life. You must be really fucking miserable. It just is baffling to my brain. I can't fathom it in my head. I think especially when you're doing like different to the norm, because it is probably, it's the convention for, I guess, most women to have children or want children.

So people are gonna assume. Well, it's not, it's that whole conventional thing of you meet somebody, you get married, then you have children, or you buy a house, then you have children. And it's cause that's the- That's the normal thing. That's the conventional thing to do. So when you don't do that,

people assume that it's not by choice. On non-conventional, I met someone, had a, fell pregnant after three months. Then I bought a house, had three children, not even married. I am the sole owner of the home. Chris is a stay at home parent. Like we couldn't be any more unconventional.

Do you get questions about that though? Like I can only imagine how many questions you get when you've decided to not have kids. Like because me and Stefan did it all very traditionally. So when we were married and we hadn't had children, the amount of questions, first of all, when you're together for a long time, when you're getting married, when you're getting married,

then you get married and people are like, when you're having a baby, when you're having a baby. And then when you have a baby, people go, when you're having another one, the questions are incessant. And I was someone who wanted children, and that was annoying. If you're someone who's chosen to not have kids,

that must be so irritating. But the thing is, I literally wanna smack this on my face, because she hasn't chosen not to have children. She just doesn't want to carry them. She wants to give children a better life that are in the system and that don't have a fortunate, you know, upbringing. She wants to still be a mum. And who the fuck are we to say because she is fostering or she decides to adopt down the road, she's not their mom because we are very much in the mindset of it doesn't take you birthing a child or being a sperm donor or however you look at it

to be a parent, it's being there, being in their life loving them, supporting them, nourishing them. So it's not even that she's saying she doesn't want children she just doesn't want to carry a baby. She doesn't want to do like the biological traditional. So even then she must just be so mad. And the fact that like, it must be so annoying that that's what everyone assumes that you want.

You're like, no, seriously, I can't get across to you enough that I'm happy with my life as it is. Even when you have a child, people aren't happy. I remember a girl I went to school with messaging me on Instagram and saying, she's got one child and she's decided to not have any more. And she was like, even that people are like, oh, you want a single child.

You want another one. You're not going to give them a sibling. And she was like, even that people are like, oh, you want a single child. You don't want another one. You're not gonna give them a sibling. You don't want another baby. She's like, no. She's gonna grow up presenting that. They're gonna hate you for that and later in life. Or people are like, oh, you couldn't have another one. She's like, no, I actually just chose to have one child.

And also that's my decision. Stop questioning it. It's just what is hard, isn't it? I guess it's us all learning every single day and I get that, but it's always, I'm always trying to find ways as to how I can better myself or ask questions that aren't like, like, you know, when you're trying to field a conversation with somebody that you haven't seen for a few years and you've got, oh, if you had children, I never want to ask that question because I one think, gosh, what if they,

in my head, I go through like a thousand different scenarios of what if they've had fertility issues, what if they're on their own or what if something's happened to a partner? I go through so many scenarios in my head and literally the first thing I always come out with is will be the weather. Oh gosh, isn't it lovely outside? So lovely to see you. The weather's been lovely. You've been up too much. And it's me, I'm always trying to change my narrative as to how, because obviously my brother and his wife is, they're not having... Yeah, they're choosing not to have children- They're choosing not to have children. They're choosing not to have children.

And we always say as a family, we don't know later down the line, they might choose to have a baby in two, three, four, five years time, or they might choose to never have children. And it doesn't change- It's a little business, yeah. It doesn't change anything. It's just mad how entitled people feel

to ask the question and to just know about it. And I do get, there is an awkward situation as to what conversation starter do you have? And I know there's 99% of it is not coming from malice, but it's just hard to, it's just finding a new way to ask a question or to say, you know, how's work? And you're still in the same job. And there's ways around wording it, but it just, it can be hard.

And I think because I'm not somebody in that position that's getting asked them questions, I would say now is I get the, are you gonna get married? Have you found a wedding? Are you getting married? But that's- That's again the thing, because you haven't done things in like the conventional-

But then that's what I mean, because I haven't done it in the conventional order, people just assume I am married. Do they? They call Chris your husband? Yeah, they just call, and it's not that we correct anybody. It's just we got more stuff to be doing. It's so funny, yeah, like society's got a vision

of like how you should do it. And it's like, if you don't do it in that way, people are like baffled. Because literally somebody said to me at the bank the other day and I was like, oh no, he's not my husband. And they were like, but you've got three dependents. Yeah. Yeah, I've got three children with him, yes.

And a mortgage. Yeah, we're just not married. She was like, oh, I would just say I was married. Why would you say that you're not? Because I'm not. Because I'm not. You're gonna literally take both of our bank cards, look at our bank account, we have different surnames.

Yeah, yeah. We don't have the same surname. It's like the surname thing after being married, people just can't understand and accept that like me and Stefan don't have the same surname. It's like the surname thing after being married. People just can't understand and accept that like me and Stefan don't have the same surname. And apparently, if you don't have the same surname as your husband, but your children have it on their passport, it can be really hard

to take them abroad. It's really hard for me to take the children out of the country. They look at the child's passport and go, you're not their parent. This can't be the first situation where this has happened. There must be loads of parents who have a different surname. You have to get like solicitor's letters and stuff

if it obviously falls into certain scenarios of where you're going. But you have to get like permission from Chris if I want to take the three children on my own out of the country. Because it looks like you're kidnapping them. Because they got a different surname to me. I mean, it's just so crazy.

But I understand. I do understand both sides of each where anonymous is coming from. I do understand the side of that. Sometimes people are just trying to make a friendly conversation and I get that. But sometimes. I do understand the side of that sometimes people are just trying to make a friendly conversation and I get that. But sometimes I also do understand the other side

where it is difficult to keep answering those questions. It is really hard to keep explaining yourself when it isn't really necessary. Can we just let people live? Yeah. But we're all learning every day, aren't we? We're all doing this for the first time, but we appreciate everybody.

Yeah. And we're so grateful for you and fuck the haters. You're doing bloody incredible. What a phenomenal thing to be doing and to look into fostering as well. Amazing. That's incredible, isn't it? Go you, rock star. Right, let's have our last secret. All right, this says, Hi, Safina and Emma, I've just been listening to the episode with the Teddy anal plug. Remember that one? Yeah, I actually really fell in love with it. I've just been listening to the episode with the teddy anal plug. Remember that one? Yeah, I actually really fell in love with it. I did look at one on the way home. I think when we looked at it,

it was different to what we thought, wasn't it? Definitely thought it was a fluffy teddy bear that you insert into your bottom hole. It was just like a knitted toy that looked like a butt plug. A knitted. Okay, that's all it was. It was like a comfort potato, but it was a comfort anal plug. Crocheted, actually.

Yes, crocheted. And it reminded me of something that happened at my mum's. My four year old daughter, she was three at the time, was there while I was at work, along with my 15 year old cousin who was helping out. They were watching slime videos on TikTok when they swiped up to the next video and it was not slime. Instead, it was a jelly mold being made with animal testicles inside. My cousin panicked and swiped away quickly, but my daughter being as quick as ever had already seen enough to ask a hundred questions. My cousin panicked and swiped away quickly, but my daughter, being as quick as ever, had already seen enough to ask a hundred questions.

My poor cousin, unsure what to say, just replied, "'It was a strange video with cut up testicles in jelly.'" Of course, that prompted another hundred questions. What are testicles? Why are they in jelly? At this point, my mom had come back in, and between the two of them, they tried to explain testicles in the most child-friendly way they could.

When I came to pick her up, the first thing she said was, "'I saw a weird video with testicles, "'and boys explain testicles in the most child-friendly way they could. When I came to pick her up, the first thing she said was, I saw a weird video with testicles and boys have testicles. You can imagine the look on my face ever since she randomly drops it into conversation. Boys have testicles, but her new obsession is phonics as we're prepping her for school. So now, instead of just saying it, she goes, testicles. It's so cute. Joseph started doing that. He'll be like, bu-bu-bu-book, d-d-d-dinosaur, t-t-t-testicles. I'm terrified for when she starts primary school

and they get to the letter T. All the best, Beth Ann from Scotland. Oh, Beth Ann. What I'm certainly concerned with is it was a real... I don't even know what that video was. Instead it was jelly mold being made with animal testicles inside. Keep your kids off TikTok. This is why I'm scared of- Did they cut them off of the animals and then cut them up and put them in the jelly?

Yeah, real animal testicles. Real, I'm so confused. I feel like I need to see the video, Beth Anne. Sorry, I don't, I don't, I don't. Send the link to hello at secretmumpod.com. I, what the, what the, it's so odd. The internet's a dangerous place. And when you just think you're innocently

just having 10 minutes to scroll through a little fun, fun few videos. I know. And then they, you've got eyes peering over your shoulders. What is that? For a 15 year old as well. Waterfying.

What are balls? We had to year old as well. What a fine, what are balls? We had to explain balls to Joseph the other day because he's into wrestling now and Stefan picked up an unfortunate- Not actual class wrestling, just wrestling with Stefan. Wrestling at home and with his cousins mainly but when they're not there, it's me and Stefan. And he caught Stefan in an unfortunate place the other day.

So Stefan was like- Testicles! T-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t- like, T-t-t-testicles! B-b-b-balls! Stefan was like, doubled over on the floor, like, oh! You know what men are like, because I think it's quite dramatic, but I don't know how it feels. Sorry, James. James has given you the eye. Stefan was like, oh, you got me right in there. And they all said, he doesn't know the word balls.

He was like, Willie. And then Joseph ran upstairs and got a first aid kit and got a plaster, because whenever anyone's hurt, he offers a plaster. Even if it's not a cup. Ran downstairs, said, daddy, I've got plaster for you, will you? We had to be like, so sometimes Joseph, when you're playing wrestling,

there's balls and they're very sensitive and you've got to be careful. And now he's like, okay, balls, will you? Did you tell him he's got some? Learning all the parts, yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, but it's hard to explain. And how is he okay? Yeah, I think Did you tell him he's got some? Learning all the parts, yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, but it's hard to explain. And how is he okay?

Yeah, I think he still mainly just thinks it's, like he'll still say Willie. Oh. But he's like, he's picked up the word now because Stefan was like, oh, you got me right in the balls. And he's like, balls, what are balls? Because to them, balls are like, balls, like footballs.

Balls, yeah. You know, so it's a confusing time for, and she was three at the time as well, so it's very hard to explain to them, isn't it? Yes. But at least she knows now. Oh, well, I bloody love that, Beth, and thank you so much. I'm slightly concerned though, still about the animal, how they were in the jelly.

And Lydia. I've got a lot of... To be fair, I'm 36 and I've got a lot of questions, Beth, I have to be honest. Thank you for sharing your secrets this week. Everyone is welcome in the Secret Mum Club. If you'd like to share your secrets with us, you can. The email is hello at secretmumpod.com or with Secret Mum Pod on TikTok and Instagram. Have you had to explain what t-t-testicles are?

Or are your teens learning about medieval contraception? Let us know. There really is nothing too outrageous. Keep an eye out for our Thursday episode. And we'll see you next time on the... Secret Mum Club! Blood, blood! Parties, how do we feel about them? I quite like a dive. When you say dive, where do you mean like? Like Shoreditch. Okay.

Oh, we're really down the mines there then. Join me, Catherine Beauxhart, as I sit down with some very special guests to discuss their dream do in It's My Party. Just look for It's My Party on Amazon Music, Apple Podcasts or wherever you choose to listen.