Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Chocolate Condom

Episode Date: March 3, 2026

A chocolate mix-up causes absolute chaos this week, as one listener mistakes something very unexpected for a sweet treat. Soph and Emma also tackle school worries and friendship anxiety, share a park trip gone wrong (including an ice cream injury), and unpack some brilliantly awkward things kids have said at the worst possible moment. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Wait, hold on. I need your attention because we have some huge news. It's big. Bigger than my bucket crutch. And that's big. Even bigger than Jojo's love for teenage mutant ninja turtles. Well, you've been asking for it, so we're going to be heading back on the stage for another secret mom club lunch show. There's going to be plenty of secrets. Perhaps a couple of party games.

And maybe a few surprise guests. So mark your calendars because on the 20th of May, we'll be live at Bush Hall in London for one girly night only. So you better buckle up, bitches. Tickets are on sale right now. So head to our socials for more info and the link to buy tickets. We can't wait to see you there. Now, back to the episode. Hello, this is the Secret Mum Club.

I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. And this podcast is a safe space for mum's everywhere. A safe space to share our secrets. Because we all have secrets, don't we? We do. And as we know, share. is caring.

You don't even have to tell us who you are. You can keep that to yourself. You can be anonymous. And all those secrets can be serious or silly. All secrets are welcome in the Secret Mum Club. Do you know that you spent more time looking at your tablet and I was going for a tablet. Tablet. Yeah, I...

Tablet. I just thought, you know... You forgot about the YouTube. I felt like I needed the backup this week. Also, it's off-putting because we've got a whole gallery full of people here. There is a lot. There's a lot of people. We've got a really big audience today.

Last time we recorded, there was only... Two people, five, six, seven, eight. We've got eight people here. Eight. Chris and Renley are down to us. They're currently just walking up and down the hallway. I love he's just bowling around eating a pastry. We went to Tesco's the other day.

The travelator's out. So Renly just, in the whole time that I was doing the shop, Chris and Renley just went up and down the travelator. Just up and down and up and down for the whole time. I think we're in there about 45 minutes. Because it must have been on it thousands of times. Chris, I have travel sickness at the end. It was like, I think we've done this about 15 times.

Every time I got nearer back to them, everybody was coming off laughing. like always having the best time. I'm not done. Go around again. Welcome to the school holidays. I totally forgot it was half turn. And then when I drove to the station this morning

and absolutely flew through. No. Oh. The journey there, because there was no school run, was an absolute breeze. Yes. But my train was full of children. Yes.

But I weirdly got bumped up to first class today. So I was living, living my best life. Does she know who you are? Emma Jones, she's on the train again. No, they're like, in Wales they're like, another Emma Jones. I don't know who you are. My name is so common.

What, Emma Jones? Oh my God, if I go to like a dentist or a doctor's or something, and I told you about the postman last week. Oh, yes. If you're like an E Jones, oh my God, everywhere. They have to be like, it's going to be one of those episodes. Bringing your family to work day.

This is why I don't bring anyone. If there's shitloads of cuts in this, it's because I've got all the children here today. Everyone's here. Yeah. The whole fam. So yeah, you're generic. Emma Jones.

Yeah, I'm just so generic. On a half term, it's no different for me. because they just still go to nursery the same number of days. So I'm like, Max in my life. I'm having the time of my life. Oh, yeah. They've had a sleepover. They've been to Ninja Warrior.

We went to the park. We've been to the park. We went on Monday. I think we were out for about four and a half, five hours. Yeah, Baltic. But the sun was out. So I was like, what do you do when you're British and the sun's out? Yeah.

We're minimal clothing. Yeah. And freeze to death. Yeah. And go and eat an ice cream in the park. That's exactly what you do. My sister sent me a real earlier. And it was like, what things to do in the British winter.

And it was just a guy. with his suitcase in the airport, leave. Like, I feel that way at the moment. So true. It's so shit. She's got a train to Australia. She's got on a plane to Australia this morning for two months. Has she?

Fucker. She's living the dream, isn't she? Yeah. Oh, do you live vicariously through her? Yeah. Yeah. I do. I feel like I live vicarously through everyone. My friends, Instagram is just wall to wall holidays because people go away in half term.

My friend's in the Maldives. I'm in Rainy Cardiff. You're living the dream, honey. You are living. Kind of. You are living the dream. But no, we're having a wonderful time. We're having a tremendous time.

And do you know what? On the train here this morning, Colby was like, this time next week, I'll be back at school. Oh, I know. And it's only a week this time as well. It is hard to get them like out of the routine and then back into the routine. Because even like Joseph's schedule has changed this week is not going to school in the mornings, but he's asking to go into school, which I think is a good thing. But also hard for me because I'm like, I'm going to drop you straight off at nursery.

And he doesn't like any change to the routine. So the fact that he's not going to school, then nursery. Got you. I dropped him off yesterday. And he was like, no. He was like, this isn't right. You don't drop me off here. But at least I'm like, hopefully next week when he goes back to school, I'll be like, well,

you go. And then by next week he'll be like, I don't want to go to school now because I'm used to the half-term routine. Yeah, can I go back to the half-term? And then you've got to get them back used to the normal thing. I mean, they don't know whether they're coming or going today. No, no. But we're having a lovely time. Good.

They had a sleepover did pancakes at my sisters in the morning. Yeah. And then I did pancakes in the evening. Then we've had pancakes again today. We're basically just fuelled on pancakes. Yeah. As much sugar as we can possibly get in the holidays. days. I love everyone forgets about pancakes for a year. And then you have pancake day and everyone's

like, these are amazing. Why don't we do it all the time? And then you eat pancakes loads for like a week. Get so sick of them. And then you forget about it again for another year. And then you remember why you don't eat pancakes every day. Yeah. They are quite. What do you? Are you a thin pancake? Yeah. On pancake day it's got to be. So is it a pancake or a crepe? It's a, it's both. Oh. I thought pancakes were the, the fluffy ones. Yeah. Yeah. That's what we like. I've got a lot of time for them, but not on pancake day. My sister's a crepe. She's a crepe. She's a crepe. On pancake day, it's got to be a crepe. A crepe.

A crepe. What do you have in yours? I had some lemon and sugar to dish. And then I also did a Nutella, banana. I did a Lotus Biscop's bread. Do you know what I really love. I really love caramel banana. Oh, yeah.

Do you go traditional on yours? Yeah, I'm partial to a bit of sugar and lemon. Caramel banana, Nutella. You forget how good sugar and lemon is. And that is a traditional combination for a reason. Because I don't normally do it. But Stefan's mom and dad. Stefan's dad was around last night again.

And they made me some sugar and lemon pancakes and I was like, there's a reason why this is a classic, it's good. You're spending a lot of time with Rich. Yeah, his wife was there as well. Sentimental time. Yeah. Valentine's Day. I know.

Well, they're helping us out with childcare a lot because Stefan's away. Yes. So when I come here, I need someone to look after my. Bambino's. So they're coming up. I mean, fair play. They come up and do like the night, the nursery run in the morning, which is stressful. Are they far from you then?

Because they're Wales. No, like an hour. Oh. I don't think that's far. not compared to like London journey times. That was quite long, an hour. Yeah, but they stay overnight. It's like worthwhile.

But on Monday, I just went there and back for the day on my own with the kiddos. And that's so easy to me. Because like even in London, I wasn't that close to my family in Essex. I think that's so, I'm used to journey times being an hour. So for me, that's not a big deal. And I can do an hour on my own with the kids in the car. So I was on my own on Monday. I was like, I should go to theirs.

Oh. Cousins entertain them all day. They're knackered. Get them in the car on the way back. They fell asleep. I transferred them. Everyone's a winner. Wow.

But I think they're getting a bit sick of my company because I'm like, who wants to hang out today? And then they're like, do you want me to cook your kids dinner? And I'm like, yeah, that'd be great. So I'm doing a lot of freeloving. Be there in an hour. Yeah. And I do turn up like bang on time as well. And I turn up and everyone's like, oh, we're not with their pajamas.

We're not ready yet. And I'm like, let's start this day. I've got a schedule to stick to. You and Roxanne are more alike than I think you'll ever realize. She is a drill sergeant. Yeah. You've got to be. She's got four kids.

Yeah, she's a machine. You've got to be on it. She's a lean, mean machine. Yeah. She's like, go, go, go. To go around Disneyland Paris with my sister. No fun allowed. Sorry, are you laughing before we've even got on the ride?

No, she doesn't. Get in the queue. But she is very, very regimental. Yeah. Whereas I'm like, oh, I'm in my pajamas. Come on in. You know what? Just wear your pajamas and come round.

Don't worry about getting ready. Don't even brush your teeth. If we're not dressed by a, I'm stressed. Oh, really? Yeah. Some days I'm like, I don't really get stressed. I just get ready when we get ready. No.

When I say, we slow down, we really slow down. Fought off the gas. Yeah. Hang out. Pajamas all day? Some days, yeah.

Yeah. I hate wearing my pyjamas all day. Do you? Yeah. Do you like having a shower and putting your pyjamas back on, fresh ones? Would that make you feel more comfortable?

Only after probably like 4pm. Is that allowed? I wouldn't just do it like in the beginning of the day. There is no rules. I could do, but I... But I like a good pyjama all day. No. It's not for me.

I need to have some underwear on. I wear underwear. If you ever took me do pajamas? Yes. Oh no. Don't just let it hang out. Oh yeah. You've got to air it out. No, honey, you can't. That's what my mum always taught me. No knickers in bed. I can't risk the wee dribble down my leg. And there's nothing more irritating when the wee runs all the way down your leg and your wee run it's even wet on. It's even wet at the ankle. Oh, yeah. And then you've got to sit all day with that because you've sneezed and let a bit out. Yeah. And then it's run all the way down to your leg and you could just feel damp. Yeah. Damp. Are you putting knickers on in the morning to wear with your pajamas? Or you wear knickers all night. Oh no. No. No. No. I don't want to get a sweaty.

crutch and it just be sliming between my legs. You got to get some air up there. No, no. I run round naked a few laps. Fly like a bird. Just air out in the morning, yeah. Wash air. Woff the foe for out of the house.

No, I don't, don't. You don't wear a bra in bed, do you? No. That's criminal. I do sometimes. But then I only have a cammy. I don't wear an underwire bra. No, who does these days?

No, it must be going out of business, underwired bras. Tell you. But do you remember them? Big wonder bras you could get. With a push-up. And then they had some gel. Fats. Yeah.

The chicken fill it. I used to go out. I had no boobs. I just used to have one lump. And I had nothing at the side. This is huge. It was all about getting the maximum cleavage as possible from your double A's. Take some skin from the back and bring it forward.

Yeah. Just get the back fat in there. That's all I had really. I know. And now it's like, well. Do you remember buying your first bra? I do. And I remember putting it on and being like, I remember saying to my mum, this is so uncomfortable.

I'll never get used to wearing this. Like I feel like something's. And she was like, you'll get used to it. And then obviously, you know, you just, it's just become second. in nature. And now? But now it's gone full circle. The thought of having an underwired bra on, no, thank you. I just let them tatters out. Oh yeah. It's when I go, I went and had a measuring a couple of weeks ago. Did you? And I, because obviously, back in the day, when they were like, oh, you're not, you're not really a cup so the smallest you can get, it's like an A. Is it

the biggest you've ever been? No, obviously I've had whopping boobs when I was pregnant. Oh yeah. What did they go up to? Like a D? They were great. I felt like a supermodel. Double D. I used to send pictures them to my sister like, look at these today. Nipples out and everything. I said, God forbid if anyone ever picks up on WhatsApp chat. Yeah. It's criminal. I know. There's a lot of serious jelly. I know. You know when those eye cloud photos got exposed and it was like Jennifer Lawrence naked, sometimes I think, oh my God, the pictures that I have on my roll. I've got like sanitary pads sent to my sister and everything. Like, do you think this is normal? I pass this clot when I just had randomly. The amount of clocks I've sent my sister or pictures

of just my naked boobs. Oh my God. Straight to her. You need to do the just the view once function. So that it's like gone. But that's not fun because then you want to go back. Yeah. Oh, you want to revisit those big wopping boobs? Sometimes I like to put my head on it now. Yeah. I put the boobs just stick them on.

You know, I said I can't stop looking at baby photos of Joseph because he turned four recently. I was going back through my role. I found some pictures of me. I took a lot of pictures of like boobs out. Yeah, me too. Breastfeeding or like he'd fallen asleep on my boobs or whatever. Oh no, I was just a selfie in the mirror taking straight out pictures of my boobs. Some from up here.

Honestly, I said to Stefan, my frame that because my boobs will never be. be that big of milk. Honestly, they were so full of milk and your nipples get really dark. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, wow. And mine are big anyway. They were like good span across. They were huge. You'll never look like that again. Oh, it's sad. So yeah, when I got my, I thought, oh, do you know what, I've had three babies now. They might be a bit saggy, but there might be a little bit of sank, sank, in there. Did you get a proper bra? No, she just said you're not a cup size. I was like, you don't qualify for a bra. I just stick to my cannies. Thanks. I don't even wear a cammy now. So I'm nothing.

Well, straight, straight cotton on the boobs. Yeah. No cammy top. I don't believe it. I'm just embracing the flat chestedness. You just go straight. What if you get a little bit of an erect? Nipple, obviously. Not erecting men on the train.

I think that looks quite nice under a shirt, an erect nip. In fact, mine don't go erect enough. But my nipples are facing the wrong way. Oh, right, yeah. So I'll just erect down. Some people look really good. You know like Rachel from Friends, she's always got an erecting. Or when people have like, this is maybe turn into a very weird.

When you see people out. When people have like a slightly shimmer on the top And they peek a little nip. Yeah. I think that looks quite good. I think I can't pull it off. I can't. When I see people I think go you, get those nipples out. I sit down.

Look like I've got fucking udders. Hello! Can you see this is see through? Why do you get like a nipple lift to make them point upwards again? You know, like a facelift. Well, they don't point down all the time. Only if I like slump. Only when this is.

Yeah. If I slump and out, meow. Also, they're so big my nipples. They hardly ever go. No, mine don't really either. Which is weird considering I'm always cold. Yeah. But no, I don't go straight cotton on the boobs. I do have a cameoom. Yeah, yeah. Big nipple chat. Big, big boob. Whatever your boobs are like, embrace them.

Do you? Do you know what? I really love boobs. Do you? Yeah. I'm glad I've got boobs not a willie. I'd hate to have a willie. That's what. Do you know what? I say this all the time. And do you know what? Boobes are beautiful. Do I want to look directly out a willie? No, why do you not? Them things are angry. Yeah, no. And they just stare at you don't. They're like, ah. It's all about boobs and. It's all about boobs and. boobs and bums, yeah. Or a nice peach. I really love watching women's gym content when they've got like a proper shelfy bum. Because you know it's like it's like a fashion now to have like gym leggings that really hug your bum.

There's ones that make your bum. And they have sculpting under them. And they make your bum look amazing. Sometimes there's girls in the gym and I'm like, whoa. I can't take my eyes off your. I'm obsessed. I know. And I want to say to them, I'm really sorry.

They've got really delicious bum. Yeah. Really delish. Real peachy. But I don't think you can say that about their boobs. Could you? Could you say, oh, delicious boobies. Suck our name! They'll be like, sorry, I beg your pardon, I think you're a band from the gym. Yeah, I have to report you.

I don't know what they're talking about. I'm in Tesco. I think you can, like, silently admire. I just don't really love your tits. Wonder bra, is it? Natural fuck! No padding in there! Give us a squeeze. I'd love it if someone said that to me. They never would. I really love boobies. I do too. Yeah. I appreciate them.

I love them in all different shapes. Shaves and sizes. All forms. Stunning boobies. So that's how our week's been. But there you go. Yeah. Can you tell I've been caged like a pigeon in the house?

I'm going, woo-hoo. We're going crazy. Cuckoo! Also, massive from boobs to three years. Yeah. We really should have led with that. I think we buried the lead. If you've stuck around this long, honestly, it's coming up to our three-year anniversary.

Yeah, I can't believe it. This is where we are in three years down the line. Three years time. Yeah. The chat is not improved. No. If you're still with us, thank you for sticking with it. You may leave after this one.

So it's been a great run. It's getting more and more unhinged, I feel like. But it's been a riot, hasn't it? We've really loved having you. I can't believe we're three. I mean, it's not going anywhere, but if you do not want to come back, then thank you. But happy three year anniversary to you. It's really lovely.

It's a big one, isn't it? I've known you three years. Three, yeah. It's not three years, so I've known you longer than that. I was going to say it feels longer, but I mean that in the best possible way. Not like it's dragged, but I feel like we've known each other forever, you know? Can I make that so good? We haven't? We also haven't.

No, I know. But it feels like we have. Yeah. Like three years. I feel like we've known each other for four years, but we, it's our third. I always think it's four years. I always think it's four years. It's not any.

It's not any. Is it? Are we going into our fourth year? Four season? It's the fourth season, but it's the third year. It's confusing. It's a lot, isn't it? It's a happy third bad day to us.

Yeah. Happy Mother's Day. Happy everything. There's a lot to celebrate. Happy New Year. Happy New Year. Happy Chinese New Year. Happy Chinese New Year.

I was saying to Maz earlier, we're Year of the Dragon, aren't we? Did you know that? That's not this year though. No, this year it's horse. It is horse. But when we were born, we were Year of the Dragon. Rara. We're out with I still ones.

So Emma and I really want to hear from you. We want you to join us in the Secret Mum Club. You're all welcome. You can share your secrets with us. If you also like boobs, then do. Share it with us. Respond to what we've been talking about or just say hello. Hello, you can find us on TikTok and Instagram.

Just search SecretMumpod or you can email us hello at secretmumpod.com. Right, it's time for the Correspondence Corner. It sounds like the radio's breaking up. Yeah, static. Right, Emma, let's hear it. Take it away. We've heard back from that mum. That mum.

That mum. Which mum? You know that mum. You know that one down the road? The one who got in touch about her in-laws treating the children and the family differently. Fuck! This one was huge jelly.

Buckle up. I'm excited. All right. Says, hello. Thank you both so much for the advice. I just wanted to respond to what you said. Nothing's been said outright to my brother and sister-in-law, but I do feel like they've noticed the behaviour themselves

and have chosen to keep the kids at a bit of a distance to protect them too. Okay. Much to my surprise, they've actually booked a holiday abroad over what would be the three-year-old's birthday, which says a lot, really. I've decided to handle things a little differently while still taking on board both of your pieces of advice. Rather than going in all guns blazing,

I'm going to sit back and observe. I'll pay attention to how our little one is treated and quietly take note of what's happening. And if I need to address it properly later down the line, I will. I won't be forcing anyone to have a relationship with our baby. It'll be interesting to see how it all unfolds. Motherhood really is an eye-opener when it comes to seeing who makes time for you and who only makes time for themselves.

But what our baby boy doesn't have can't be taken away from him and I'd rather it be that way than him experiencing disappointment later in life. He'll never go without as long as his dad and I continue to work as a team. Thank you again so much for the advice, still anonymous, still somewhere hidden in the valleys near Cardiff. Oh, God bless her heart. She's going through a lot though, isn't she? She's also due to have her baby. There's a lot going on at the moment.

She's heavily pregnant and, yeah. But I'm really relieved that she feels like they are aware of it too. Yes, that's interesting, isn't it? So had that maybe not have been the scenario, would I've gone in guns blazing? maybe. So, but that knowing that she has maybe or what she subconsciously feels, the support and knows that they know that it's going on. Yes.

You can sit quite quietly in that knowledge. I think that's quite nice because you kind of know that like you're not going crazy. If it does all come out, you're a force to be reckoned with. I feel like they're, she's not on her own. Exactly. You know they're on your side now as well. Yes. Reading between the lines.

It seems quite obvious. Obviously, yeah, reading between the lines. But yeah, I think that's quite not. That's quite reassuring to be like, I'm not going mad. Other people are noticing it as well. Yes. So I think that's interesting. And I think, yeah, just sit back and see how it all unfolds.

It will be interesting. And please do keep us. You sound like you're in such a great place with it as well. And you know right from wrong and you know what to expect. Motherhood is wild and you know what to expect for your child. So I would say that you're in such a great place mentally with the situation. Yeah. That I think, yeah, sit back.

Yeah. Keep your cards close to your chest. Just play your hand when you need. Yes. Nice analogy. Nice. Well, thank you so much. Thank you.

Wishing you all the best with the rest of your pregnancy. And if you wouldn't mind keeping us updated, because we're nosy, that would be really nice. I didn't want to say I'm glad I said it because otherwise it's always me that's like that. I'm invested in this drama. Yeah, I am. I am. So you can get in touch with us on anything at all. Yeah, it can be serious or silly and you can be totally anonymous.

Because between us, we've probably heard it all before. And remember, we're all in this together and we know that we are. We're all stars and we see that. I don't think I'll ever get cringy singing it that way. That was a nice one. I feel like I'm popping into a bit of a... Adele, not as good. You know?

I feel like I'm just being very... Not as good. Not as good. That's more my style, you know. We can go big next time. We've been doing the acoustic for a while. We have been doing it for a lot of weeks. Right, are you ready?

I'm ready. Here is my... I make it sound really dramatic every week. Yeah, you are. And I'm scared. This week's quite a light joke. Is it? Okay.

Light joke? It's not a joke. It's actually a fucking serious situation. I'm scared because we've had some serious ones. haven't we? Yeah, we have had some serious ones. So we needed a bit of light-hearted. Yeah, a bit of light-relief.

We went to the park this week. Yeah. It's nothing big this secret, but it's just hilarious. We went to the park this week. Tell me, I don't, tell me someone, anyone, help me. When I'm in the park, even though Chris was there, I was so stressed at trying to keep a hold of all three children. We had to, we had to go our own ways, me and Chris. I was either with Renner's, he was with the bigger two, or I was with the bigger two, or I was

with the bigger two, he was back with runners. So we were back and forth in the park. It was a really sunny day, Baltic, freezing. I'm setting the scene for you. So we were playing in the park. I'm losing my shit because I was getting myself really stressed. Obviously not stressing to the children, but in my head I'm a bit of a stressor and I was like, oh God.

What about someone getting injured? It's just if they run in different directions where the fuck am I meant to go? Yeah. Like I don't know who I meant to go to. But is it fenced in? So at least you know they can't really go anywhere. But it was packed. Oh, was it?

The park was absolutely packed. So I was a little bit stressed. And I'm trying to film it. It's like our first proper time to the park, like first time going out. We were out for a good four or five hours. Wow. And we'd gone out. The day was beautiful.

So I wanted to get some like new pictures of them, some new videos because I want to, I always want to take a picture or a video of the moment because I don't want to ever forget it, you know, not that you will because memories are in your head. So yeah, I want to make sure that I'm capturing everything. Yeah. Just, you know, not all, not everything because my life is social media. Like I love taking stuff just for. Just for you.

Me and Chris, yeah. So we were just pondering around. They were going on the stuff. They were going on the swing and they were eating ice creams. We were in the park. Even it was freezing. It was Baltic and we were eating. Mr. Whippy with a flake.

It was delicious. Although Dottie was like this trying to eat her ice cream. Shivering. It was all around. She was like, every time she went on something, she was like, can you hold my ice cream? I'm going on the side. Can you hold my ice cream?

I'm going on the swing. So I was obviously licking the ice cream. So every time I gave it back to her, she was like, that was melting fast. How is it melting? Joseph does that. He's like, why are you licking my, and I'm like, if I don't lick this,

that. It's going to be all over the floor. I'm like, do you know about melting? She thought it was melting, but it was disappearing because I was eating my mouth. So this one, this one scenario, she wanted to go on the slide and they were going up and down, they were going on their bums, but they wanted to take their ice creams. So I was like, you know what? That's a recipe for disaster. If ever I heard one. I'm sitting this one out. I'm sitting this one out. I'm taking it to the back. You do you, boo-boo, because I'm not cleaning anything up. So they did it a few times. And there was like a queue of children. They were all going down. And they were having a wonderful time.

They were going on their knees and they were going on their bellies while trying to hold. Because I don't know if I've told you, me and Colby have a challenge in the car. When we go to football training, we do the hot chocolate challenge. Try and hold your hot chocolate without spilling it. We put it in the cup holder and we watch the hot chocolate, well obviously safely while I'm driving. But we leave it in the cup holder and I have to drive slowly over bumps. So that it doesn't spill. Because we're not allowed to spill it.

Once you spill it, you lose. So we play the hot chocolate challenge. That's a stress. So it's basically like the. ice cream challenge. Can't drop your ice cream. That should be a winter Olympic sport. Honestly, it's a fun thing.

This is a thing with like parenting. I don't know whether you do it. Everything for me, like I want to make it as fun as I can. You got to make everything a game. It doesn't seem boring, you know. That one time we went to the park and we did the challenge with the ice cream. So this one time at Ben Camp, Dottie went up the slide. Colby had already gone down backwards on his back, but he'd stopped before the edge of the slide.

So then Dottie was like... Back was on his back. Yeah, so he's on his back. He went down the slide on his back while holding his ice cream. Wow. And where the slide is, it's like a massive drop into the sand. Oh, at the end. I look at when they do that, yeah.

So he stopped right at the very end. So she, she saw gold and she thought, fuck, I'm doing this. She come down the slide so fucking fast, she flew off the edge, slapped into the floor. The ice cream did like a slow motion speed in the air and just landed straight on her eye socket. Fucking hell. She was like, help me. I think she'd winded herself if she'd come off the side. She was like, help me.

And she was blind. I was honestly, everyone was looking at me. I was like, I can't do anything. I'm going to wet myself. The only time I turned my camera off, won't it cold? The only time I turned it off. Because obviously I was really in the grieve of the challenge. So I'd like put my phone in my pocket.

And she just got up and she was like, oh God, what are I going to do? So she just wiped her eye, licked the ice cream, shoved it in her mouth. I'd taken the cone out of this hand. She was like, No, don't take my cone. It was covered in so much sand. I was like, Dottie, can't eat this. So she just at the top of the slide, like she'd gone to fucking wall, this fucking ice cream

strut. She was like, yay, the top of the slides. Everyone in this park was looking at us. They must have thought, what a mental family. Me and Colby were hyperventilated at the bottom of the slide. She was asking to scour up. I couldn't get her up. It's the first time I think that's ever happened in my life.

I didn't even know what to do. I had no baby wipes. Chris was on the other side of the park with Renner's doing like 45,000 laps at the park. And I was like, what my own to do? So yeah, she just licked it off. It's so bad when they fall and it's so fucking funny. So funny. Obviously as long as they're not seriously her.

And you're like, I feel like the worst parent because all I can do right now is laugh. And I'm just going to have to leave you for a second because it's so funny. It's the fact that she led there like, oh. Still holding the coat. Is there something in my eye? Yeah. You hold ice cream. I think you might have a little stomach, honey.

Just a smooth That was our secret this week What's a funny one Yeah it's nice to have a We've had a lot of light-hearted We've had a lot of big ones Yeah When I tell you there's nothing though

I feel like the school holidays There's nothing that's sad It's just all It's all happy time Was she all right? She woke up the next day She was like Oh blindy

What are you think I've done with my shoulder Do you think I've slept funny? I was like And then she went, that wretched slide. It's the fact that she was like, oh, cool, blind me. I think it's because Chris will go, oh, cool, my back's tight. But she went, oh, cool, blind me, my shoulder sore. Oh, yeah, that wretched slide.

So she wakes up in the morning and she's like, oh, I had slides. Really done me in. It's like a whole week. Oh, gosh. Dots coming free with the goods again. Always dots. Bless our heart. Well, that's my secret this week.

We're getting to some of yours after this short break. We've got three secrets we're going to be discussing this week from you. From you? This week. Every week. We've got three secrets from you this week that we're going to be discussing. So Emma. From you this week.

We've got three secrets from you this week that we're going to be discussing from you this week. Just three. So Emma. Take it away. All right. Hello, Sof and Emma. I just listened to the episode where Sof mentioned leaving little farm animals all around the house for James. Resin.

We should explain. resin animals. Not actual like. full lands, pigs. A petting zoo in the house. Yeah. Yeah, that's not very clear, is it? You left little model animals around James' house

for a game on his birthday. Yeah. And I had to share my story. Last summer, my lovely grandparents went away on a week-long UK getaway and gave me a key to their house to water the plants while they were away. Of course, I kept my promise, but I also took full advantage and bought 150 tiny colourful plastic ducks and hid them all over the house. in jacket pockets, bedding, Christmas decorations, mugs, shelves, mirrors, photo frames, anywhere a duck could fit, it went.

Oh my God. They found several when they got home and after a few weeks I finally cracked and told my 74-year-old Nana what I'd done. To my surprise, she asked me not to tell my granddad and to keep it a secret. Fast forward to now, he's still finding them popping up in random places and has absolutely no idea what's going on. They found 74 so far, so there are still plenty left to go. They're only halfway through. He's convinced he's either going mad or they're going mad or they're going. that the house is haunted

and his little ghost friends are playing tricks on him. The whole family is in on it and nobody has let the truth slip because it's too funny to watch. Thanks, Kalin. Oh my gosh, Kalin. I would say I feel sorry for them

because they're older but it sounds like they're a riot as well because Nana was like, yeah, don't tell him. That has honestly made me how old. I got a video from Roxanne the other day. I wonder if I still got it. Oh, honestly, it's the highlight of my life is when James just texts me

and he's like, got another one here. She sent me a video and I was like, What are the bloody hell is she sent me? How many did you hide? I think we hit about 200 in the end. There's a video. Can you see? Look, there's one just in the bottom of the vase.

They're not going to be able to get that out. She's in the bottom of the far. She sat doing her hair and she was like, I got this little guy staring at me. He's in the bottom of the bars. What is it? It's a little bunny, purple bunny. Oh my God. James texted me other day and he was like, yes, I am sat on the toilet. But look what I've just found.

There was one peeking out of the cotton wall. So funny. How many of they found? I don't know. Not half. I don't think it's even half yet. There's loads. There was so many.

That's such a cruel trick to pay. There was like eight of us hiding them though. There's loads. So no one even knows where they all are. No. It will bring you an insane amount of joy. Yes. It's quite funny.

It is hilarious. Yeah, I love that they just rolled with it. I love that Kalin's grandad, he's got no idea. He's got no idea. But the Nana was like sneaky. She's in on it. She's like, yeah, don't tell him. Oh, I love that so much.

Thank you for that. Very sweet. Okay, let's have secret number two. Okay, hey mums. Still loving the pod. Still. Still. Wait after this.

Still loving it. And congrats on the live show. Thank you. My daughter who's in year two has just changed schools to the same one. My son started at. She comes across as really confident, cool, calm and collected. But underneath that, she's actually quite anxious and very self-conscious. She's having a hard time settling in and making friends.

The school year started three weeks ago and she's tried, but at the moment she's just with the same class group. They haven't started things like dance. or choir yet where she might meet other kids. I just don't know how to help her. We've got to meet the teacher night next week, so I'll check in with them then. But until then, I'm the one wrapped in anxiety. Much love, Amanda from Sydney, Australia.

Oh, Amanda. This is hard, because I feel like this is a bit of dot when she was in year off. Yeah, this is year two. What's Dotty? Dotty's Year 2, so exactly the same age. It's a really hard year. And I, not that I'm making any excuses, but I feel like it's a lot of a tougher journey for girls going through this.

It seems like girls are. struggling, well, the only ones that I know, like friends and like my sister's three girls and only people that are surrounding us is that girls have struggled a little bit more. Do you think it's harder for them to make friends? Yeah, I don't know what it is with girls. It tends to just be a way more clicky. And it's really hard then to be a new friend into that. Because they've probably formed their groups already, haven't they? And I would also like to say that the school are really supportive and I hope yours are as well

because my, you know, Dottie school, they're always at, like, meet the parent, at meet the teacher, sorry, they do say they encourage other children to include her and they are working around the classroom to see which friends fit. And she tries out with different. And sometimes Dotsie just doesn't want to play with them. And I think that's okay. But as long as she is okay. Yeah. And she is doing all right. I think that is your priority. I think, yes, touch base with the teacher and see if they're proactively doing. and anything to support her. Because is she had an in-year transfer? It's at the start of the school year, but she obviously did her earlier schooling in a different school. Now she's in the same school as her brother. Yeah, that is hard.

Yeah, so it just may take a little bit of time to settle. But if she seems happy in herself. If she seems happy, then... But she has said she's actually quite anxious and very self-conscious. Hopefully once she starts, like other groups, like if she wants to do dance or choir, then she'll meet other, like, minded people there. I don't know when that starts.

Something that also really helped for us was taking Dottie to an outside school club. So obviously she does ice skating and now she does dance, which is it really helped her confidence when going into school. Yeah. Because she was never really somebody that wanted to do any clubs or anything like that. But we did it just for a little bit of social away from school because we thought, well, she might meet friends there and have friends there. And it won't seem so dramatic when she doesn't really have her girls at school

or have a group of friends at school because she'll, have our friends and our, like outside. Yes. We do have play dates with. Now we still have play dates with them and have them round. Yeah. And she goes off to them. So that I think is taking the edge off of school being so intense.

I guess they spend so much time there, don't they? Or are their groups outside which some of the school children go to so that you can mix with them in a different setting? And then when they do go to school, they'll be like, oh, that's the girl from my dance class or whatever. I think setting up play dates with like other individual kids is good as well. We've had to do a lot of that. And it is a little bit awkward and like a little bit cringy to put yourself out there because we joined after the school year started. There are definitely people in Joseph's class that already kind of have these like allegiances. And I just kind of have to like chat to the parents in the playground kind of see who I kind of get on with.

And they'll be like, oh, does so and so want to do like a playday out of school? And that's really helped Joseph because then he'll go in and look for that person or he'll ask for that person. He'll be like, oh, can I do something with X today? Like that really, that really helps. So maybe putting yourself out there and doing that. I don't know if play dates are still. Yeah. I think when you're in year two.

Well, there's, you know, there's seven, eight. Yeah. Six, seven, seven, seven. Seven eight. Like children will just come around our house and play because they're like three or four. But do year two, do you still do that year two? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. She does still play. And I think that's quite a good thing. And the school do say to us arrange play dates and the school holidays and things like that. But when I say to dots, do you want to arrange play dates? She's like, no, thanks. I know. I want to get away from that lot of school.

I know. It's hard as they get older because they have a say in it. Whereas with Joseph, I'll just be like, I've set up this thing for you and so-and-so's come around to play. And they'll kind of just play with anyone. So I don't know if that still works

with an eight-year-old girl, but that's kind of what we had to do. I feel like you're doing everything. And as well, I feel like it's such the forefront of your mind, Amanda, because you are talking about it and you are aware of it.

You're not just blocking it out or brushing it over or, you know, not handling the situation best for her. Yeah. So I think, you're doing the right thing by going to see the teacher, have a chat with them, see if there's anything in place that they are doing,

or they might actively tell you that they're doing stuff. And sometimes, and I'm not speaking for every child, but I can only speak on behalf of mine, is I only get one side. I only get one side. And I'm not saying one side of the story or one side of the truth. I only overhear the children's side.

So sometimes when I go into school, it's actually really nice to get the other side of it because obviously I've been so worried about Dottie and her friends, situation at home. But when I go in and speak to the teachers, they obviously, there's points that they're with, but they also do say, you know, she is really fun and she's happy and she really enjoys playing with a variety of children. So it's nice hearing it from the school side as well.

So that put my mind a little bit at ease. Yeah, that should be helpful. Joseph's the same. Like he'll just come home and say, like, you know, when he first started, he was like, no one plays with me and I'm on my own. And then I spoke to the teacher and she was like, he's fine. He's loving it. He's making friends.

So I think sometimes we take on their anxiety and it's harder for us. Yeah, I'm not saying she's not telling you or being honest. I just feel like sometimes it's nice to have. Yeah, the bigger picture. Yeah, the other side as well. So that you can support her and again, have an information from the school. Like, oh, she played with Emma today. Then when you can go home and you sit down at dinner time and you're like, oh,

your teacher said that you played with Emma today. What did you play? I don't ever say to the children, oh, who did you play with today? because they go, oh, I can't really remember. When the teacher says, oh, they play with X, Y and Z, I go home. And I'm like, oh, did you play with Emma today? Or did you play with Simon? Or did you play with John today?

And then she's like, well, yeah, actually I did. How did you know that? And I've been playing really fun games with them. So, yeah, I think having that outside a perspective will help ease your mind a little bit. But you just, it's one of those we've got to stick with it. Hopefully the clubs come around nice and quick. Yeah. That she can go into choir.

Yeah. And stuff like that. I think it will get better with time. Yeah. But it's never easy. It's never easy. And that's not taking anything away from how you're feeling because it is, I feel like I'm in it.

I feel like it's a hard one. It's a really, really tough one. But again, if anybody can share some advice. Yeah. We always love people's advice or if your child's been through it or going through it. We'd love to hear from you and hopefully we'll be able to send some more reassuring stories over to Amanda. Yeah.

Thank you so much. Right. Should we have our last one? All right, this one says, hello wonderful ladies. Hi. Hey. You talking to me? When my eldest, who is now five, was about two, we were in my bedroom while I was putting

the washing away. He was next to me, pulling things out of drawers as they do. I had my back turned when he suddenly came up to me and said... I literally just seen one word. I just saw one word. Is this going to be okay to say? Yeah. I had my back turned when he suddenly came up to me and said,

Mommy, cock. I said, sorry, what, darling? And turn around to see him holding a condom. No way. Oh, Wendy's like, no way! He's been no idea. Shocked. No!

Not another one of them! Turn around to see him holding a condom, still in the wrapper, not used, thank goodness. My immediate thought was, what on earth is happening here? How does he know what that is? And how does he know the word cock? Then it clicked. He wasn't saying cock at all. He thought it was a chalk.

And was asking for chocolate. Sophie here from West Sussex. I was going to question what that child had seen. How? he know? He thought it was a chock chock. Oh, wow. But your immediate thought would be like, yeah, how the fuck do you know that?

Yeah. How do you know what that's for? Oh, gosh. Oh, bless his heart. That is so incredibly sweet. Oh, I really love it. Oh, no, I feel really bad. Chalk.

I would have had to run down stairs and get him a chock club. Oh, yeah. Give me that one. That's Mama's Chok Chok Chok. Oh, gross. Don't call it. Ew. Yum, yum, yum.

Eat it. It's when they force some food in your mouth, don't there? And they're like, eat. Yeah. Reni just goes, eat. Yeah. And I'll be like, no, no, no, I don't want it. Like this morning on the train, he was trying to offer me a prawn.

What are they? Skippies. Skippies. Fucking out. A skip. Like 10 to 9. Just eat. I don't want that.

They're really at that age, aren't they? Sadie and Renley with the sharing. Because also I want to be like, good sharing. But also when she's forcing something into my mouth that she's put in her mouth, I'm like, I really don't want that. Or it's when he does this. On the skip and then he says, eat. No. Yeah.

And you're like, oh, yeah. Thank you. No, thanks. Or he'll just chew something for ages and he pulls at Annie. He's like, oh, Mom, I have. Yeah. I don't want that. No, no.

I'm great. I'm great for that. But good sharing. But thank you, honey. That's lovely sharing. Oh, Sophie, I absolutely adore that. We are at the age where clock is cock. Yes.

And stick is dick. So that's always an awkward one in the park. That is, they're like big dick. Oz is playing gay. So every time we go around, Port Tobias the other day had a nightmare come running in the door.

And Rennie's like, gay, gay. And he's like, Auntie, what's he saying? What's he saying? I was like, play with you. Play, play. Because Dotty is, Dot is Got-Got. So we're really emphasising on the G. Yeah.

Got-got. Eden is Eager. I don't know why we're so G-E. We're down with the G's. So, yeah, when he wants to play. he's like oh Renge and I'm like yeah yeah and then people are like what's he saying yeah I'm like just play obviously duh but no I do love the miss um the mispronunciations it's my favorite so sweet it's my favorite I know and you never want them to move on from it but they

will you also saying shit at the moment isn't he shit at everything in context like he knows what it means does he say in context cobs no just be watched oh we're trying to push the button open the train he was saying shit I think he was trying to say hit or like push it he was hit yeah But he was going, oh shit, there was a man stood next to him like, does he need the toilet? No, he's two. He's got no idea that he needs to shit.

He's saying hit. The guy was stitch your own. Yeah, he's very advanced. Yeah. For his age. And he's just looking back like, have finger on the button, shit. Shit.

Not the train. Stings of shit. Thank you, so thank you all for sharing your secrets this week. Everyone is welcome in the secret mumble club. If you'd like to share your secrets with us you can, The email is hello at secret mumpod.com or with Secret MumPod on TikTok and Instagram. Do you like boobs? Or do you have cocks around your house?

Then let us know there really is nothing too outrageous. Keep an eye out for our Thursday episode. And don't forget, we're hitting the stage. Baby! We're going to be live on the 20th of May in Bush Hall. So grab your tickets while you can. The link is in our social media bios. And we'll see you next time on the Secret Mum Club.