Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Chocolate Starfish

Episode Date: January 18, 2024

Today's episode starts with a bang as the ladies launch straight into the poop shooter chat. And they find out that bum holes are as unique as snowflakes... according to one of our lovely listeners anyway! You've also written in about baby teeth woes, and an occupational hazard that comes with being a parent. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello this is the secret mom club i'm safina and i'm emma and welcome to your thursday you're okay why does it say welcome to your thursday episode this is a mini one oh i thought it was a main one sorry okay take from the top make else? Some loose ass pussy in my case. And welcome to your Thursday episode. Where we get to squeeze in all the extra bits and bobs from the week. All the comments, thoughts, questions and fun stories. To keep you going through the weekend. Shall we jump on in?

Shall we? Shall we take a dive into Thursday's's episode i was gonna say correspondence yeah i was gonna say we needed to do that together okay yeah and you went in my head are you ready yeah it's the correspondence corner i feel like i don't ever know what tone you're gonna i never know i watch you shall we come up with a tune for that? Yeah, shall we come up with a little... Because it's different every week, isn't it? Slogan for the correspondence corner. Give me a C.

Saturday forever. That's the whole 50-minute episode. And that's it for this week. Thank you for tuning in and sing along if you know the words. And we'll see you on Monday. All right, this first one is from Lou. She says, hello, ladies. I absolutely love your podcast. Thank you for making me laugh every week. Oh, thank you. it will see you on monday all right this first one is from lou she says hello ladies i absolutely love your podcast thank you for making me laugh every week oh thank you god bless i wanted to

get in touch about the story about the lady being complimented on her ring whilst getting waxed as a carer i have seen an abundance oh i hope this is with response to how tight bum holes if it's different different bum holes are yes I hope Lou's coming in with the info. Oh, God. I wanted to... Sorry. Oh, it's got to be funny if Emma's laughing. She's a hard one to crack.

She says, I've seen an abundance of poop shooters, and in my personal opinion, an arsehole is like a fingerprint, totally individual to each person, more so with age. That's what I was saying. Jesus. Mine has changed since having my two children what do they come out of your bum hole

what are you looking is she inspecting her bum hole on the reg that's not right should we be looking at how it happens i don't think i've ever looked at my bum hole no i think we should be right now i'm gonna i'm gonna first thing when i get back i don't think i want to i can feel my hemorrhoids and that's enough uh yeah mine's changing it's having my two children i won't go into detail because no one needs to be put off their lunch i wish your chocolate starfish have you heard that no well someone said it before is that what she was going to say? Yeah. Oh. What the hell? I wish your chocolate starfish all the best during labor. Mine is fucking shop.

You haven't got to worry because yours come out the sunroof. I'll be fine. Mine comes straight, not out me bum hole, but the next exit, couple of doors down. Next door. But I tell you, my bum hole goes through the ringer, quite literally. Poor thing gets torn to shreds. God, what with them hemorrhoids. I swear I get a new one every time. Oh, my bumhole goes through the ringer, quite literally. Poor thing gets torn to shreds. God, what with them hemorrhoids. I swear I get a new one every time.

Oh my God. This is as I thought though. Different bumholes for different... But I don't understand what makes the bumhole different. But she's saying it's like a fingerprint. It's just different on everyone. Like I was saying, belly buttons. So we all don't have that funny little skin

around our bumholes. No, I don't know. She hasn't got any... Do people have wrinkly bumholes and smooth bumholes? says more so with age so i reckon like as you get older maybe they get a bit more wrinkly loose i don't know mine mine could be up there with me you could be a pensioner i basically could my bum hole is aged she old let's look she is old well thank you lou we appreciate yeah thanks for clearing that up and also the phrase is um we appreciate you the phrase is poop shooters and chocolate starfish are gonna enter my vocabulary from now on oh

can you imagine oh bend over joseph i need to wipe your poo shooter show me that chocolate starfish i can't believe you'd heard that one already chocolate starfish there was a sound that we used to trend on tiktok that used to be a man that it was called hard noise hard noise it used to be like show me where you're pissed from and that sounded like you were saying that show me where you're pissed from. And that sounded like you were saying that. Show me where you're shit from. Show me your chocolate sharpish. Oh gosh, don't be showing us your chocolate sharpish. It's hard to say, isn't it?

Chocolate sharpish. I think it's his teeth. It's a tongue twister. Fair, fair, fair. You've got your teeth back in, haven't you? Got me retainers in. Yeah. Thought I'd spruce you up today.

Back on it for the new year. Just, you've got your protective. Yeah, got my windscreen wipers on, don't worry. Okay, so just say it, don't spray't spray it all right one more message here says hi so for emma i love the story of dotty being a savage for a couple of fivers it reminded me of my son losing his first tooth i walked him to school with a full set of teeth but at pickup i noticed he was missing a front tooth i asked the teacher if he lost a tooth in school today to to which she replied, oh, I thought he came in without his tooth. Turns out he told them it fell out at home and the tooth fairy came. No idea why he would be telling poor kids. I asked him what

happened to his tooth. He told me that it fell out whilst eating an apple. So he decided to throw it away. I asked him why he threw it away and his response was, well, I wasn't going to eat an apple with a bloody tooth in it now, was I? Good point. He fished the tooth out and threw it in the toy box near his desk and ate the rest of his apple. Oh, no. Some poor nursery worker's going to find a loose tooth in the toy box.

Safe to say we had a conversation about the tooth fairy and the importance of telling a grown-up when your tooth falls out. His very first tooth lost in a toy box forever. Love from Chloe. Oh, that's quite sad. Hopefully it's reunited with Dottie's in the French. In the French system. In Paris.

Don't know where it is, yeah. It's in Paris somewhere, living its best life. It's in a Paris sewer somewhere. It's quite weird, isn't it? My daughter's identity has been left in another country. I know, how weird if you find a tooth. It's really hard to dispose of teeth yeah well they don't um that's how it's not to be morbid for a second but that's how they identify dead bodies so they don't exactly and they don't

disintegrate no oh is that disintegrate decompose sure so that's why my mum gave me my jar of teeth did she keep all your teeth yeah i've got my got my first curl. I've got my teeth. I've got my umbilical cord. No, I'm not doing any of it. I've got not only my identity in my house. But your kids as well. Also the baby. Are you going to do the same for the new baby? Yeah.

All of it. Yeah, why would I get rid of it? You kept the umbilical cord. You're making it look like I'm weird. I did keep the umbilical cord, but I think that was like newborn hormones that made me do that. No.

Because by the time he got his first haircut I was like nah I don't want to keep that. Do you not think you'll keep his teeth? I don't think so. What are you going to do with them? It's the only bit of their body

that has to be ate by a pig to destroy it. Yeah you're right harder to dispose of than the hair so maybe I will maybe I will keep them

but then what do you do with them? You move house and probably just throw them away. The have are in a pandora box in the top of my wardrobe now i've had to hide them i can't put them in the bedside table in an ikea sandwich bag because then the children question what the what did it was this oh i have no idea i don't know if i'll give them back to them one day i wonder like chloe if she wanted to keep her baby's first tooth would have gone back to nursery and been like sorry got a weird question but um i did ask housekeeping for the tooth and she was like what what language barrier as well yeah she bless her heart she was she was very very parisian she is it parisian yeah do i call them do i say french yeah well both well both

yeah i don't want to be rude sorry um she i and she was just she sort of smiled at me and i was like teeth in the glass and she was like and then she went and got me a glass and thought i had a problem with my teeth and she was like tablets pharmacy and i was like oh no no she thinks i've got a toothache yeah you should have got dotty over and been like look look at gappy over here have you got her tooth have we got her tooth she doesn't seem bothered about it obviously because she's none the wiser yeah it's gone yeah she's had her money yeah she cares about well you'd be glad to know it's been a week and she hasn't pulled any more teeth out so fuck for that we've survived another week what a relief although she does keep just running her hands like just

shaking if she's got any wobbly ones shaking all of them i'm like honey you're only gonna lose i think they lose eight don't they eight the bottom eight at the top is that it in total yeah i just think they use the front eight in the front eight at the bottom oh you don't i don't think your back ones don't come no you don't lose your molars they're your big ones oh you get them forever oh interesting i'm pretty sure is it dentist any dentist just holler at us. Let us know. And what do we do if we lose a tooth? Does it disintegrate eventually?

I don't think it does. No, I don't think so. They live forever. Did you do the experiment at primary school where you leave a tooth in a glass of Coke and see how it rots over time? Yeah. No, that's the only way to get rid of it.

I cut a frog open too. Did you do that? Yeah. I also took the dead frog home did you you know that's how cereal get the story started and i took an eyeball what a sheep's eyeball i don't know why i took him home i also collected stick insects i told you that didn't i no did i not tell you no there was just some kids at school there wasn't even a club and i just used to take these stick insects home. And I just lost them all one day.

And I told my mum that I set them free and I hadn't. They were just all roaming around my house. Surprised you're not in prison. Playing the mortgage. Along with me dead frog and eyeball of the sheep and me stick insects. What a fucking weirdo. The witch. Well, what's wrong with me?

Let me just get some fucking friends. No one wanted to be my friend because I was stealing eyeballs i got surprised anywho we digress thank you so much for your messages if you have any comments thoughts or funny stories why not get in touch yeah you can email us hello at secretmumpod.com or with secretmumpod on tiktok and instagram next it's time time Time for your secrets. Then again in app. And me in a new Chevrolet Equinox RS. There are millions of prizes, including a chance to win cash every minute in the app. Cash doesn't make any noise, but it's awesome. Get into the game with Monopoly Double Play at McDonald's.

While supplies last, one in five chances to win GameCube prizes at outset. Chances to win Double Play prizes based on time of code entry and draw prizes based on number of entries in each draw. See rules in app. Welcome back. We love a secret on the Secret Mum Club. We do.

You're all so good at sharing. And what have we got, Emma? All right, we've got another one here from Anya. What a lovely name. What a beautiful name. It says, hi both. As a second time mum with a little eight week old boy. Oh, congratulations.

It's such a breath of fresh air to listen to you normalising all things parenting. Here's my secret. Recently, I had the most savage sickness bug which left me violently vomiting for 24 hours.

Cut to the morning after a seriously awful night with my head in the toilet. My three year old daughter climbs into bed with me to watch Monsters Inc have a cuddle mid-film she harmlessly lets a fart out giggles and says he he i farted then she frowned slightly and says oh mummy i've done a wee wee confused and groggy i said what do you mean oh she lifts her hand up from under the duvet. Oh no, she put it in. And it's covered in diarrhea. Oh, yeah, that's right. Shit in the bed.

She had, oh no. This is actually my worst nightmare. Yeah, that's right. She had sharted extensively in my clean white bed. I froze in shock, laughed in what I could only assume was delirium and yelled to my husband. Yep, it's the moments when you're scrubbing actual shit from your bed whilst retching into a plastic

bag that you really appreciate those marginal moments of motherhood love the pod oh anya that is so rough sorry shit that literally shit the bed oh she literally shit the bed and when you were feeling sick as well there's literally nothing worse that was that episode like me wasn't it when i was going through that episode yeah throwing up that was the worst i can honestly relate imagine you were going through that and then dotty came and diarrhea in your bed well she didn't diarrhea did she did i shit in the bath oh you did i had to shit in the bath i had to shit in the bath this week as well i knew someone did couldn't get it out i just take a shit in the bath oh all fours just try and get it out do you know what i'm in a weird process at the moment of it's like my body is forgotten to poo so now i'm not pushing my bum hole i'm pushing like i'm pushing the baby

well it's really pissing me off it's like i've i've got in my head like you're gonna give birth to a baby so how you push for a baby is now how i'm pushing for a poo so i have to get myself in a very very awkward position to give myself a photographic memory of what bit of my body i'm meant to be pushing for the poo well we spoke last week about how squashed up your intestines are yeah and that's that's probably why it's hard so i have to get on all fours and take a shit in the bath wow has chris seen that no i need i will not prepared for this it's a part of my life I don't wish to I don't wish to share do you ever want to be pregnant again after this?

no I think I'm going to say that if Chris doesn't get a vasectomy I will perform the surgery myself wow just to be a friendly citizen you know do one for the community take one for the team you know I'll happily take my

because I said to him don't worry then if you because i said to him do you want it because it's a big thing isn't it yeah and he was like not really and i was like cool and then i'll go and have my tubes tied it's more simple i think it's a simpler procedure for a man and also yeah you can't have it reversed the doctor said i'm we you're not allowed if you're in this relationship that we're in and it's it is what it is it's the man has to do it why aren't you allowed well i can do it but in this process of as to why we want it they the the doctor's basically said he has to know the doctor is basically mugging chris off he's like i paid the doctor medically chris it has to be you

so i just played the clip to chris eight and yeah den's the rules it's normally the man that has to do it's a simple procedure for a man and also i just think that's the least you could do you've been pregnant three times you've probably been on birth control just have a bloody vasectomy i don't do birth control but at any point in your life no i had to stop it when i was 22 all right so you have been on it i had like men have never had to do anything so have just have a vasectomy but they're not be a team player i didn't do feel a little bit bad why because then what if we do split up and he wants to have a baby with somebody else oh fuck that stephan you're a lucky man.

I feel sorry for the child because I know that my dad immediately had a vasectomy after me and I'm like, wow, I was the straw that broke the camel's back. They were like, no more. No more. No more.

We've got to chop that. We've had it. Chop that willy off. Yeah. Well, I don't think that's how it works, but I don't think that's how it works, but that's how I'd like to think it works. I just take the whole willy, the whole shaft off.

Shaft, balls and all. Take it all. Take it all off. Anyway, Anya, I feel you. Yeah. That is disgusting. Dot stuck her finger up her bum the other day and come out with a pill on it and asked me to do something with it.

I don't know what you want me to do with your... She was like, my bum hole was itchy on the inside, so I scratched it, but now what do I do with this? You... You wash it. We were just talking, weren't we, about how much shit, literally, you put up with from your kids

that you wouldn't put up with from anyone else. The stuff they put you through. And you just think, if anyone else got into my white sheets and did... A shit in my bed? A shit in my bed. You'd be so furious i'd fucking kill him but when it's your kid you're like okay sorry yep it's all right sweetheart and you find it in you

to be like oh god bless and they pooped in my bed my lovely white company expensive pressed white sheets yeah oh egyptian cotton all right out you come let's start cleaning it up even though i'm retching from the back i'd shit in my own pants yeah i would be more forgiven if i maybe shit my own bed yeah oh god bless me god bless me for shitting my bed but yeah if your friend had shit in your bed yeah if you pulled scratched your bum hole now on the inside and showed me your finger and asked me what to do with it never talk to me again never you'd be immediately blocked i'd be we'd be out of here yeah as quick as we came it would be over we would but god bless you it's mad what parent hormones i hope you recovered quickly from that because that is that is so rough oh god love and imagine you just wanted a chill

time in bed as well nothing worse when you're poorly too. I hope your sheets were all right as well. Yeah, did you say you salvaged the sheets? It's going to be hard to get out. I put mine in the bin the other day. Didn't I have a dots for up in them? Did you? Yeah, brand new frozen sheets.

I had to chuck them. Well, you know when, Stefan... I don't know what you meant to do with the lumps. Are you meant to put them in the washing... What? Oh, don't. Are you meant to put them in the washing machine? I haven't dealt with vomit yet.

And then I can't rinse them. What am I meant to do? Rinse the sheets in the bath first. And I don't want to be washing stewed vegetables down my bath plug hole. Like, what do you do in all seriousness? Just burn them. Just burn them. I did.

Chuck them straight in the way. Chuck them away. You know when Stefan stepped in Joseph's shit, though? On the rug? Put those socks on a hot wash and they came out a treat. So now there's poo particles floating around your washing machine. Did you rinse them first? I'm probably still on Stefan's feet, but it's fine.

We move. So thank you for joining us this Thursday. It's been a hell of a ride. Anybody would think we are not pregnant with more children. Yeah, why? What are we doing to ourselves?

So has your child explosively sharted in your... Sharted in your bed? Then let us know. Yeah, email us. Hello at secretmumpod.com or we're secretmumpod on TikTok and Instagram. And we'll be back

first thing on Monday. And we'll have more of your messages on our next Thursday episode. And we'll see you next time on the Secret Mum Club.