Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Cringey Dad

Episode Date: August 18, 2026

Bringing up teenagers is no easy feat, but one listener has his own way of finding joy in the madness by becoming the ultimate source of embarrassment! Soph also has an RV dilemma on her hands, and one mum shares a heartbreaking message about her 13-year-old son, whose spark seems to have disappeared Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Secret Mum Club starts in just a moment. Now, before we get into this episode, if you're somewhere in the middle of the school holidays thinking, how is it still August? Well, honestly, you're not alone. If you fancy keeping the Mum chat going after this, there's a great episode waiting for you over on Made by Mommas. Georgia is joined in the studio by her husband

as they unpack their family holiday and get into his rather ambitious plan to turn their daughter into an elite athlete. So once this episode's finished, search for Made by Mommas and get it like. up to play next. Hello, this is the secret mum club. I'm Safina. And I'm Emma.

And this podcast is a place where you can share all your shit. I like that. Let's leave it in. Let's leave it. Yeah. A safe space to share our secrets. Because we all have secrets, don't we? We do.

And as we know, sharing is caring. You don't even have to tell us who you are. Give that to yourself. You can be anonymous. All those secrets. Oh, fucking hell. I really fuck this one. All those secrets can be serious or silly.

All secrets. So welcome in the Secret Mum Club! Oh, I fucked out. I did so good last week. So good. A lot has happened since then. This podcast is a place for you to share all your shit. Share your shit.

Share your shit with us because we want to hear it. I hope they don't mind. I should write the script. Get it all in our face. Give me all the gory. That seems rude to me. Over a muff. Yeah.

It's like, oh, I just looked to my willy's. No one else uses this moth, do me? No, it's got my name on it. I just licked my muff. That would be on camera as well. What did I see Sadie doing the other day? She was looking, oh, she was looking at herself in the mirror. Licking the mirror.

Oh, don't worry, fucking talking to a lady the other day. That's actually great. Renly kisses himself in the mirror. Sat talking to a lady was so lovely to stop me and say hello. I still blows my mind even saying that. So first of all, she started squeezing my leg really hard. And I was like, while she was like, you've got a white leg. If you didn't hear that, she said, you got a white head on your leg.

Sorry, a lady, you don't know? No, so I was talking to the lady, but Dotty was holding on to me. Oh, then Dotty found a spot on my leg and was like, I'm just going to squeeze this white head on your leg. I was like, right. And then she just got her whole tongue up my leg. Oh, no. I stood there and I said to the lady. Okay.

Okay, that is us done here. I think I'm going to get, and I just, as I was walking, I went to Stottie, did you just look my whole leg? She was like, yeah, look, it felt really smooth while I was picking the whitehead, so I thought I'd just look at it. Oh, oh. She licked my whole leg. She's rank.

Uncle to knee. That actually made me nearly vomit in my mouth. Gag, yeah. And I just said to her, why did you do that? She was like, oh, I don't know, just thought I'd lick your leg. it just felt and looked really smooth. Right, that's weird. Don't ever do that again.

Don't do that again. Do you do that to people at school? Can you imagine if she's just the teacher? Sorry, your leg looks so smooth I thought I'd lick it. She said as we were walking away, she was like, looking back, it probably was a weird thing to do. Yeah. Don't do it to anyone else.

No shit. That's wild, isn't it? Again, another part of parenting that no one prepares you for. No, I talked about. No. That you're just, your child's just going to randomly squeeze a white head on the calf of your leg and full on lick it. What? What? It's when Renley go, oh, I don't know if I can say it out loud or without gagging. We went to a restaurant while we were on holiday. And Renley, I had, I just had some sandals on, but my burkensock had slipped off and I'd crossed my leg. So I had like my foot. Bare foot. Rehnley was, we were in like a little booth. So we'd managed to like pen him in and he was going under the table and like coming out. Hello on each side. Just there like, hello. And then I thought, that's weird. He's not coming out the other side.

don't have a little bit. A whole tongue between my toe. Tongue between my toes. I'd been on the beach. I don't know if I'd walked to dog shit. I don't know what had gone on. And he went, hmm, nice.

Right. Get out! And then what was coming home and then Dotty'd licking my car full on at the restaurant. I was like this. On the table. Someone passed me a napkin.

He'd come. He was like, mom, what's happening? I was saying, I need to wipe my toes. I had slimy toes. between the big toe and the next toe. Just a whole tongue. The whole tongue. The whole tongue. The whole tongue.

The whole tongue. The whole tongue. Through my toes. Oh gosh. Why are they so disgusting? I don't know. And why both of them are they licking? Why they like this? I just said to Colby at one point on the safe form and we got home. I was like, if you need to lick me, just do it. Just get it over and done with everyone else is licking me. Your dad, no. Your dad doesn't. I'm joking. Oh, I know.

Oh, God. Lick you from your head. That sounded dodgy. I didn't mean that. I meant like me on the pill. No, he's not. No. He's not. No.

It's not. None of that. We've already discovered that I don't do none of that. None of that. But anyhow, anyhow, we're surviving, not thriving. No, we're not. How's your holiday's going? Are you?

We're having the best time. Good. Obviously, still very much on the hunt for a caravan, motorhome. Who knew that I've dabbled my toe into this life, but I'm actually full for it? Are you thinking of getting like a toe? So I've, I'm now very much in. my my FYP, my 4U page, my Instagram, Explore page, everything, the algorithm is coming to me. Not just the UK. I'm on American Canada camping. I'm camping from all round. Give me all the

camping. I want the whole fucking lot. Well, weighing up our pros and cons. Because if we are going for a caravan, we have an electric car. That combination is not ideal. But we could get by using the electric car because I really fucking hate our car and I want to get rid of it. That we, can use the car temporarily to travel locally to do a little bit of tests in the water. I don't want to get it on week one, we're off to Lake Como. Yeah, sure. That's fucking... Ease yourself in.

Ease myself in. I'm thinking just pop down to the new forest. A couple of nights. In case we meant, forget something, I can knit back. Four hour round trip. Exactly. I just don't know if I like the idea of one... Sorry, I've got a lot of action on the muff today.

I don't know if I'm one wanting to hoist it onto the car. Yeah. Because that for me seems a lot. Yeah. Two, narrow roads. If I'm going to France and the roads are narrow, that's going to be a lot harder when you're on a trailer. You're going to have that same problem with a camper van though, aren't you? No, because you're only one singular vehicle and the length is a lot different. Right.

You've got to think that not only is the length of the caravan is the length of the motorhome, you're adding a car on top as well. Also, if we were going to stay with an electric car and use an electric car, for the caravan, how the fuck are we charging it? Where am I put my caravan when I need to charge the bitch? Yeah. Because when you go to a petrol station with the caravan and you're loading up with diesel, you just go through the little tunnel. Yeah.

We're not planned out for caravan in life of an electric car. No, no. I can go for an RV. I think what you're going to gauge from this is I'm very, very pro-motor home. Yeah. Very con. The only thing I really love about a caravan is I really love that one you can pitch up and explore, you can then use your car to explore.

That's true. Which is a great idea. Yeah. And two, I do love the space. You get a lot more space, but I think more storage, more shit. Yeah. I don't need to take more shit. I'm trying to have a...

Mineral. Yeah, I want to go very minimal. You could tow a small car. Could you? You could tow. Yeah, I've seen people with a motorhome tow and a smart car. Or just pop, like, you know, on like a big boat, they always have like a jet ski or a dingy on the side. Oh, fucking...

Have you been listening to Chris? when he fucking said... You just popped like a moped or something on the side and just carry that around with you. It was like, oh now I've got a motorhome well I suppose get a jet ski. Yeah. No, I'm not doing that.

I'm thinking a dingy. No, I was thinking more of something you could get around the land with. Paddle board. Chris said a jet ski the other day that's why I thought you were taking the piss because he said let's get a jet ski. No, I was saying like get the jet ski equivalent

on land. Yeah, yeah. But I... Oh, just fuck it. Get a boat and a jet ski as well while you're right? Oh, listen. Get your... You texting him.

Delete his number, block him. But I basically said, that with the motorhome, you could get a free standing awning. So you can leave your awning pitched with some bits and it obviously no valuables and you can leave with the motorhome, which again is great because Chris and Colby

bladder's the size of gnats, even dots. They literally can't hold their bladder. So you got, well, not that, no, because you wouldn't be able to travel with the bog water. Forget that. Everyone's going to come up. I mean, but no, you can't travel with the bog water.

Oh, no, we did that when we went on a motelheim holiday in America. I don't think you can travel with the water because it splashes out the toilet. The rule was no toileting when we're on route, but obviously I've got also the bladder of a gnat. So I was pissing in there wheelie-nilly. And they just empty it out when you get to the place. Oh, I thought. They also said no poo's in there, but.

No, yeah, I don't think I'd be able to know. I don't want to follow the rules. But I thought, I'm going to have a poo because who's doing the loo? You? Not me. Chrissy. I'll probably know I've got a bit for stronger stomach than Chrissy. It is disgusting when you have to empty out.

But I am, we're very pro-motor home. Yeah, I'd say go for the motorhome. It is a bit annoying when you have to go everywhere in the motorhome. Like trying to get through a McDonald's drive-thru is not the one. But I feel like going into this, it's very much. Because I'm at the point now, if we get a motorhome and we've got a bigger car, I'm going to get rid of the mini, because I'm thinking I'm rocking up to that fucking thing at football. Best believe I'm taking the motorhome down to tournament day.

I'm taking that fucker everywhere. Be serving tea and coffee. Needing little nap. Making bacon sarnies. Roll up, roll up. Anyone need the toilet? No, I draw the liner toilet. Got me air fryer. I draw the line at number two's. We only. Yeah. All right, you're dirty bars. But I just said to Chris, you know, but obviously caravan is a lot more cheaper. And I thought, what about renovating one? But I feel like I need to get in street life. I need to get involved in street life first before I, I feel like camping, caravan camping is way more freeing than motorhome.

Why don't you test it out first with like a rental? Because that's not fun, is it? just, you know, balls to the wall, do it. You only live once. We've had this conversation. You like to go, balls deep. Yeah. I'd be like, I'm so risk averse. I'd be like, well, what if we don't like it?

We better test it first. If you don't like it, then you just, you just sell it. I've had a motown holiday, but not with Chris and the babies. Where did you go? Oh, my mum and dad took us like New Forest, Dorset, Weymouth. Oh, nice. I've done all that when I was younger. Yeah.

But also I grew up with a camp of that. Sorry, I grew up with a trailer tent. So spent many years growing up And every weekend We would go away and stay in our trailer tent What's the trailer tent? So a trailer tent is basically What it says on the box?

It's a trailer and then the tent unfolds out of it. So the base, you basically have fixed beds So the beds, as you go into the trailer It would be two, how ours worked is you had the trailer, the beds folded out So you had two double beds That were in the tent bit and the trailer And then you'd have an awning at the front

So you would step out of the trailer Which would then have two beds underneath you'd have pods underneath the double bed so you'd have two bedrooms under there and then the awning area would be like your lounge TV. I'm sorry, that sounds incredible. Was it great?

Obviously it was my whole childhood. It was wonderful and it was, you know, great growing up as a kid. But I just remember the arguments. That's all I remember. And it brings me a lot of joy. Who gets the best bed? No.

My mom and dad's setting it up or my dad like on the end of a conga long because he's hit a spot of wind. And my mum'd be like, Chris, slow down! The caravan! The trailer, the trailer and be like, whoa, whoa, yeah, yeah, you know. I keep seeing people now with these tent boxes on top of their car.

Is that what that is? Basically, I feel like that's in like a modern day. But if you go home in Google, like a 90s trailer tent, it was iconic. It also had a kitchen, like a detachable kitchen, and you put that in the morning. Yeah. Okay, no, this is giving me life because... Maybe I want some pictures. Well, me and Stefan are talking about having a camping holiday with the kids, and we get a bit carried away with it,

because I see it all over my Instagram and I'm like, look how wholesome. The weather's beautiful in the UK at the moment. We could have done that this summer. Yeah. And then we check ourselves and we go, who the fuck do we think we are? We like a five-star hotel. But if it was like proper beds, like kitchen equipment, like nice stuff, like home comforts. Yeah.

I think I think I could just about do it. I'm not roughing it though. Would you, well, you wouldn't, you'd do caravan holiday, do you think? I would do it. Yeah, a caravan, the motorhome in America absolutely fine. Like to be in a enclosed space actually quite cozy. Like me and Stefan slept in the little. cabin above the driver's cab.

So like it was very low. You couldn't sit up in bed. Not good of your claustrophobic. It's kind of like being in a coffin. Everyone says about how is Chris going to sleep in that? That is not my priority. But then you do get a full size, like the room at the back is a full size double bed. Yeah, one we're looking at though, because we're a five.

So we have to sleep five and seatbelt five. We're looking for the two single beds at the end. So Colby and Renley will, sorry, Dotty and Renley will have a single bed. And then in the lounge there is a you can convert the dining table into a bed To a bed so he'll have a single bed because he I thought my whole mentality was I'll get one with a fixed double bed And they can all share the bed Yeah

But obviously Colby's big As they get older He's big, he's developing, he's growing He's doing all that he needs to do So he needs his own bed and is safe So I think while Dottie's little and Renley's little There's two single beds at the back What then you and Chris would sleep about the driver's cab

And then me and Chris are on the bunk Yeah So we'll go on the bed and he's little bit It would be quite long for that, yeah. Yeah. That's not my problem, though. I've given you a bed. I'm not that tall, so I don't give a shit.

You figure the rest. I'll sleep up there with Colby. You sleep down on a single bed down. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Perfect. Get camp bed. Sleep down by the kitchen, you're fucking basket.

Get in the awning. Yeah, get in the fucking awning. Although I did tell I will have an awning. Everyone's like, oh, if you get an awning, it's an extra bedroom. Is it? Everyone is outdoors. It is outdoors. But that's the same as if you're camping.

Yeah, that's the same. I think that's where I draw the line. I'm not doing like the outdoor. Chris will have to have a double bed out there. Get out there, honey. I'm also going to lock myself in there. Because someone just... Yes.

That's what I'm saying about camping. Someone could just come and slice your tent open. This is what was so baffling when I was younger. How we slept was so much confidence in that trailer's head. Just take a knife to the fabric. With all your belongings in there. All your belongings. All your worldly goods in there.

And your... You can get a motor home where they're safe though. Yeah. Motor home, I'm fine. If you can close the door, you can get up in the night and go for a week. It's not cold. Maybe we'll leave Chris out in the awning. You can like guard it like a guard dog

Yeah I think I like the idea of it more than the actual I won't do that man I'm just looking like poor Chrissy Poor Chrissy But yeah we're still very much viewing them By the time you hear this episode We may have actually bought one

That is exciting That is exciting isn't it Yeah I'm really excited You need to work out to get across to America now What I need to work out is Because obviously They come with an MOT

When you buy them But obviously you need to keep getting MOTs on them Every year like a car And obviously you've got to insure them because they need road tax and they also need like business commercial, but not business, but commercial insurance. I bet that's spending as far. I don't know. I haven't looked in that part yet.

I don't want to do that bit. I'm quite enjoying just the shopping part. So I'm going to just continue doing that part for a while. I'd be so stressed if I was married to you, Sveena. Well, thank God when I'm married. I haven't considered any of the extra costs. I haven't considered any of the extra costs. You're the Stefan.

You're the Stefan in the relationship. But then I thought if I, if we get the most. to home and have a bigger car and I get rid of the mini, what I'm spending... Quits in. We're laughing. Basically, the same as the running cost of a mini is exactly what it's going to be from. You're basically making money. Road taxes to say...

If anything, you're making a profit. Girl math, I'm basically making profit. If anything, it's free. It's not. It's way more expensive than a running of an electric mini. But think of the holidays. I know. Just think of the memories.

The memories. And even as well, I was thinking between a caravan and a motorhome. I feel like a caravan is not as easy to just drop and go. Even if it's just for one night, we can just load up the motorhome and drive it. Just go. Yeah. Yeah. Our neighbours have got one and I am very jelly.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. They even just go for like a beach day. That's what I mean. Don't even have to stay away. I would take it out for a football tournament day. Yeah. Take it down.

You've got all your amenities there. Everything. Cup drinks in the fridge. Running water. Running water. Running water. Running water. Smecking is a hoot.

No. Honestly, I'm so sold on it. I love it so much. Just haven't bought one. well by this time in two weeks I may have one I'm going to bank on the fact that you'll have one by then

do you reckon yeah I reckon that's a big statement yeah but that's been my life how have you been well I'm slightly losing my voice can you tell

this is actually the strongest it's been for like four days or five days I lost it on Saturday night Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday where did you go oh my god you just did Sunday Monday Tuesday

Wednesday oh yeah I do my fingers in a weird order one two I do thumb four things middle finger, little finger, ring finger. No.

Because I can't get my ring finger up without my little one. I don't think anybody can. Yeah, you're doing it. Yeah, I think. Mads is as well flat. I think I'm unusual. Anyos. Oh, maybe it's because it's that hand though.

No, I can't do it on that one either. I'd go like that. Spark. Was it Spark from Wars Ash? That was that. From Warsash? Oh, Star Trek. Where's fucking?

Was it like that? Nanu, Nanu. Oh. No, wait. What was that? Star Trekking across the universe. I'm the captain on the captain bros. Anyway.

Anywho. Speck. I went to a wedding. Wars Ash. Respect. Big up your bad stuff. Clarkie. Oh, I can do that, you know.

Can you? Oh, yes. Allie G. Got the look at. Oh, sick. Sick. Breadbind. I was so gangster.

You're so cool. Just before we actually go on, I watched, if you watched, you need to watch, because I don't know why I'm asking you, you're never going to have watched it, but our friends will have. The H documentary. No, as in, H from steps. Fucking Harris, Harrison from the jungle, H, AITCH, the rapper. Yeah. He has, a new documentary has come out on Netflix of him doing Kilimanjaro to raise money for Down syndrome. Oh, yeah.

Oh my God, I've bulls my eyes. Have you seen it? Have you seen it, Rosie? So, have you seen it? Oh, see, I'm not the only one. You only come out on Monday, so I'll give you some grace. I'll balled my eyes out. It's literally the most...

Oh, it's the most beautiful programme. Truly, need to check it out. He was very sweet in the jungle, wasn't he? So sweet. So close to his sisters. It was so cute. Just adore them. Anywho, sorry, I digress.

Went to a wedding. Lost my voice. I went solo to a wedding. Is there anything more awkward than not going to a wedding without your partner? I was just like, hello? everyone. Why does that scream, Emma Jones? I know. What is? It's so me. It's because Stefan's always working. He can never come. He was working at the cricket so he couldn't come. And it was like my very good friend. It was a massive shame. And it was such a beautiful wedding. Did you do all day? Yeah.

Were you on the table with the singles? No, I was with all other couples. But again, it's one of them where I kind of know them. Oh, fucking hell, Emma. What, what the bride and groom you kind of know. No, no, no. I know the bride very well. Okay. I've only met the groom. I agree him a couple of times, but he's a lovely man. But I was with, so she's a friend from uni. And at uni, I met a lot of her friends. Friends, like friends she lived with, friends that she was on her course with. But I wasn't in those groups because I knew her from cheerleading.

So separate friends. Stunning. But I was the only cheerio that made the guest list. The cheerio. The only cheerio. So I was kind of on my own. But then I kind of knew the others. But I was like, oh, nice to see.

You haven't seen you for 20 years. I did see some of the girls on the Hendoo. So that kind of eased things a little bit. So I saw them on the Hendo in June. So that wasn't quite as awkward. But obviously now they were all with their partners. Yes. So whereas on the Hendo I could just be like, hey girls, on the wedding.

Curly Pups. I was like, hello everyone and husbands I've never met before. They were probably like, who is this mad spinster? Like just rocking up to a wedding on her own. I know. Oh, Emma. I know. And it was actually a logistical fucking nightmare.

I had to drive there. It took me ages. I was running late. It was a big stress. But beautiful, beautiful wedding. It was on a riverboat down the Thames. Oh. Oh, wow.

So stunning. And then went to actually, this is again, very me, didn't read the details on the wedding invitation. I was just like, I've got to be here at this certain time and that was it. You missed the ceremony. No, and then when we docked for the ceremony, I was like beautiful riverside setting. Turns out it was in a back garden of her house. I was like, did anyone else know we were going to be at her house? And did anyone else know our house backs onto the river tents?

The boat pulled up at our house. Yeah, basically down the road. And then we all walked to the house. and the ceremony was like set up on the riverbank. Oh wow. So beautiful. And obviously it was like a lovely sunny day. And they had like the whole reception set up in their garden with all these like long tables backing onto the bloody river.

I was like, did everyone else know that this was what it was going to be? And they were like, yeah, I was on the invite. I was like, oh, I don't read things. I just turn up. That's stunning. Yeah. This stupid bitch. She just turned up on her own.

Didn't know where she was going. I would, I don't think I would have gone. I think I would have backed out. Yeah. It is quite intimidating. But I have to say once everyone kind of warmed up a little bit, had a few. Had a few prececoes. Well, I say it's a prelux of champagne.

But I don't know. It's quite a fancy wedding. But once everyone had a few drinks. How many guests would you say were there? 100? Fuck me. Maybe 80. That's a lot.

Yeah. See, now you're telling me way up, am I getting married or am I buying a motorhome? I know because I don't know how much it would have cost them. And do you know what? The weddings I've been to. Because when we all got married. On the Thames. From a boat.

A lot of me and my friends got married like night. eight, nine years ago. And it wasn't always like a free bar all night. So you would spend like a bit of money. But the two weddings I've been to this year, because we're all a little bit more grown up now. I'm guessing people are earning a bit more money. So that's what you...

The whole event's free. So you had a free bar. So you lost your voice. Total free bar all night. I actually didn't drink that much because I was so hung over after the last wedding in June that I just couldn't bear. I couldn't, I was like, if I'm on my own, I've got to drive back, I'm going to actually die.

Did you drive? Not the night. Not the night of. and then I had to drive back the next day. But I was like, I cannot bear. To wake up and drive with a handover. Being hungover. I'm just going to die.

So I was actually so sensible. I stopped drinking before the meal. Oh, go you, honey. And then I was on the tap waters. So I felt fantastic about myself. Yes. But I lost my voice singing Kelly Clarkson. Such a bigger.

But who were you singing with? Well, that's it. By the time everyone had a few drinks, I was best friends with everyone at the wedding. So I was on the dance for like moshing with a girl's husband. I've never met before. I'm scared. She was there.

She was there as well. We're still friends. It wasn't what it sounds like. And obviously the bride, I knew the bride. You tell me that my life is stressful. We might be born three days apart. We might be both mamas, both just doing our fishes all through life. But this part of it.

Two very, very different people, two very different lives. Different social life. It's very different social. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Also, coping with scenarios in life. You're way better at.

I would have fucking died. Well, I think, look, you've just got to think, look, I just need to... Life's too short. I'm never going to see these people again. I couldn't not go... You said that 20 years ago, near you, I now on a fucking riverboat shuffle with them. I know. God's sake.

But look, I couldn't not go to my friend's wedding. So what are you going to do? You just have to turn up and be like, even if this is fucking awkward, I'm going to just have a nice day out on the river drinking some champagne. I guess it's hard for me because I don't have any friends. Yeah. Can you imagine that scenario? No, I don't have any friends or weddings to be invited to.

I can't stop getting invited to weddings I've only been to one wedding I can't help it I'm so popular I've been to my sister's wedding and I was a bride's that's it and I went to a wedding

when I was a child and your brothers oh my brothers yeah my brothers both of them I was bridesmaids for yes never a guest but when you're a bridesmaid you've got a role

I don't think I've been to anyone's wedding as an adult I've been a bridesmaid three times one when I was a child and my brother and my sister's weddings no other weddings no other weddings no wow

actually I might have gone to one with my ex his friends but that was never the all day that was just the night yeah god wow really you can have some of my weddings I've been to too many weddings I'm okay actually I'm afraid I feel like there's a bad

it's a bad omen when I go to them oh really yeah me and Chris have not been to a wedding ah that is a lie you had our you have your first date at a wedding didn't you that was just an evening and that wasn't my friend that was through a friend that was through my brother's friends who said

oh bring along your sister if she wants to come but that was literally just a in a bar in the evening. We went to our friend's seat wedding, didn't we? Oh. You were with Chris? Yeah, I was with Chris and babies. See, I feel like as long as you're with your partner, it's like, it's fine.

I don't think I could do it on my own. Well, anyway, I got over the awkwardness. By the time I was singing Natasha Beddingfield and Kelly Clarkson on dance floor and mosh into the killers, I was like, I feel like I've... I feel like you've made it. Yeah, I feel like I've broken here. See again in another 20 years when our kids are getting married. That's what I said when I left everyone.

I had a lovely catch-up with some people from you. And then when I said bye, I was like, see him 15 years. years. See you at the reunion. Yeah. See you at the divorce. See at the divorce party. Oh well that's wonderful.

Yeah. Go you. I really love that for you. Thank you. I find you empower me to do things and just be like, you know, what fuck her. No, the opportunity will be serious. Yeah, no, I hope so. And I hope it makes other women feel like.

Maybe it does help other people because I just think, look, even though it's awkward as fuck at the beginning, right, I did just have to turn up to a group and established group that are already sitting at the pub table and be like, hello, can I hang around with you today? Do you want to be my friend? But honestly, it was fine. I feel like I would cope, okay. It's just the initial bit.

It was fine. Once you get to the sitting down for dinner, it's fine. If you ever need a plus one, I'll come. Yeah, I should have if I do. Don't just leave me high and dry. Look, we're going to this thing. Meet me here and then you just leave me there on my own. Sike!

Yeah. Sike! See how you're coping this scenario. Or I'm too busy with So-and-so's husband on the dance floor. Yeah. Snogging everyone. Tony Bid. And then I went to a festival with my whole family and lost my voice even further.

Oh, wow. Speaking at such a voice. volume all day, that it just never came back. So I should be on voice rest, really. It's getting a bit husky, isn't it? Not a good job being here, recording 45 episodes. Sorry, honey. Just what I needed today for four hours. To Emma and I really want to hear from you. Yes, we want you to join us in the Secret Mum Club. You're all welcome. You can share your secrets with us, respond to what we've been talking about or just say hello. You can find us on TikTok and Instagram just search for Secret Mumpod or you can email us hello at secretumpod.com.

It's time for the correspondence corner. Sorry, AirPods users, if you've just heard that, write down your log hole. I just want you to know that we record it every single time. Yep. That we record this episode. Live. It's free bowling, off the cuff, natural, raw dog. Big up your bad selves.

Go, Emma. Take it away. Okay. Sorry. Aggressive. Excuse me. That actually really had my throat. Sorry.

This one says, hello. Hi, amazing ladies. Hello. I'm writing about Safina moving Dottie to a new school. The first time you mentioned it, I was shouting through my phone. Do it! My youngest daughter, Hallie, is now 11 and about to start secondary school. She was diagnosed with autism in year two, although we'd known long before that.

She's always been incredibly bright, hilarious and completely herself, but she absolutely hated school. She struggled socially, constantly felt different, and so many mornings I'd leave her crying because she believed nobody liked her. She begged us from year one to move schools. but we kept trying to make things work with friendship groups, play dates and support from teachers. By the end of year four, we finally applied to move her. We didn't tell Hallie until we knew she had a place. When we visited the new school, she ran straight in, introducing herself to everyone, saying, hi, I'm Hallie.

I love Lego and I have autism. What's an interesting thing about you? We both instantly fell in love with the school. The next day was her final day at her old school. When I picked her up, I told her she'd be starting the new school tomorrow. She looked at me and said, Oh, gosh. Can I say one thing?

I nodded and she added, see you fuckers, with the middle finger emoji. I asked if there was anyone she'd like to say goodbye to and she quietly replied, Mom, they won't even notice I've gone because I don't talk to anybody anyway. That completely broke my heart but also confirmed we'd made the right decision. Fast forward two years and she's absolutely thriving. She has sleepovers, birthday parties, wonderful friends and I never get tired of hearing about her day. This year she even played one of the lead roles in her school production of Cinderella.

She's no longer hiding away. she's soaring. I'm so unbelievably proud of her. Keep spreading the support ladies. Love. Nicky nurse Sarah from Newcastle. Oh, she's a Nicki Mum too. Oh, my gosh. I didn't think I was ready for that. What thanks. How lovely. What an absolute. Oh. Bye fuckers. See you fuckers. Oh, that's made me so incredibly happy. That's lovely, isn't it? That is so lovely, isn't it? beautiful little girl. It's like you just know, like nobody knows your child better than you know. She knew in year one. I know. She knew. Nobody knows you better. And it's so hard. Like I tried. And like, um, sorry, Sarah. Sarah, sorry Sarah. Like Sarah said is that you, you don't know what to do in

that scenario. So the best thing is, oh, let's just keep trying. Let's just keep on going and everything's going to be okay. And then you start questioning like, is there something wrong with my child? Not that it makes any difference. But you start there. and evaluating their personality and then should I dull my child down to suit her to suit the school and suit the children? Should I tell her that she has to be a certain way to make sure that she makes friends?

No, fuck that. And I'm just so excited for her to go back. Not obviously because I want to rush away the school holidays. But I'm just so excited for her to go back. It's a brand new teacher. Obviously, she's done a couple of weeks now and settled in so knows the layout of the school. But she's going back completely fresh,

brand new teacher, Brand new year group and it's just, I'm just so excited to watch your flourish. Yeah. It's wild how different their experience can be

in just a different school isn't it? Yeah. Different school, different teacher, different kids and they're having a completely different experience. She just comes out so happy every day.

Yeah, it's mad. Like I'd look for her through the window of the other school and she'd be like, like every day and like I'd go to pick her up and she'd just kind of sit there

and she'd always be sorting the bookshelves out because the bookshelves were right in the window and she'd be like, and I'd be like, you okay? And she'd be like, every time. She literally comes to the door and as soon as we turn up to the way outside the classroom

out of the window, she's like this waving and she's blowing kisses and she's so happy and she comes running out and she always, always, always says, how was your day? How was your day? And now she comes out and she's like, I've had the best day and he's so excited to tell us about a day. So I just think when you know you're nine and don't settle. And I even said to Chris like, what if this school doesn't work? And Chris is like, it's fine, we'll move her again. And obviously we had that wonderful mum that had written in who'd met her husband and her, didn't she, met her husband and her bridesmaids and, you know, all of her friends. Yeah, she moved schools twice.

Yeah, through different schools. And I said to Chris, you know, what if this school doesn't work out? And he's like, we'll just move her again. We'll find the school that's perfect for her. But it's a tough one. But it just makes my heart feel so happy that we're not alone. Yeah. We're not alone.

It's a hard call, but it's so nice to hear when it works out. Yeah. It's so nice to hear it. It's the thank you, Sarah. Sorry, got a little bit emotional then. I know. Didn't mean to. That was quite a deep one.

It's a really beautiful, beautiful story. And I also love that she's walked in and gone, hi, I'm autistic and I love Lego. I know. That's an interesting thing about you. Yeah. Oh, that's so sweet. So, so lovely. But, oh, gosh, thank you.

And all my love to you and Hallie. And I hope she continues to be her beautiful, bright, sparkling self. And never, never ever dull her sparkle for anybody. And also I hope you're enjoying the holidays. Sorry, I just got so much to say then. God. So you can get in touch with us on anything at all. Yes, it can be serious or silly, and you can be totally anonymous.

Because between us, we've probably heard it all before, and remember, We're all in this together, and we know that we are, we're all stars, and we see that. Do you know that new dance move where they whaff away the fish? No. He's not seen it. What's with the hand on the face? I don't know. They're waffing away a fish.

I don't know any trends. I've got all this to come. Yeah, you have. Well, it won't be whaffing a fish when you're on it. God knows what it'll be. God knows what it'll be. We've got three secrets from you this week that we're going to be discussing. So Emma, take it away with number one, baby. Okay, this says, hello ladies. Hello, honey. I wrote in before with the video of my nephew mispronouncing monster trucks as Michael. Well, he's now four and starting school in September and my heart can't cope. This time, I need some advice about my own baby.

I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant, but falling pregnant wasn't an easy journey. Earlier this year, we were about to book fertility appointments, so to cheer me up, my partner bought me a cockapoo puppy for Christmas. This happens to so many people. A few days later, I found out I was pregnant. My friend's got like a golden retriever. It's like an intuition. It's like they know. It's like your body knows, your brain knows that you're pregnant, but you obviously don't know. And then your instinct is to love something so deeply because you've got this tiny human, unbeknownst to you in your tummy. You buy a dog and then you find out you're pregnant. Yeah. It's a really common thing to happen.

My friend got a golden retriever and then she ended up with two under two and a massive dog. Oh, God bless her. Gutted. So now, gutted's a bit hard. Sorry, hon. Sorry, Han. Hope you're surviving out there. Crumbs.

Emma doesn't give a fuck. Gutt it! Lovely on the children. I'd be more gutted about having to walk the dog twice a day. Yes. We can walk with the babies. Yeah, that's true. Yeah.

Anyway, so now we'll be welcoming our first baby and raising our first puppy at exactly the same time. Oh. Muffin is the sweetest, most affectionate dog, but he's absolutely wild. He gets the zoomies, steals socks and blankets and gets so excited whenever anyone comes to the house. Does anyone have any advice for introducing a newborn to a very energetic puppy? P.S, we don't know the baby's gender yet, but if it's a boy, he'll be called Colby.

We've loved the name for years. Love you girls. I've listened since day one, and it's now my turn to officially join the mum club, Demi. Oh, Demi or Demi. Demi. Oh, like Dimmy Moore? Or Demi.

I'd say Demi. Would you? I don't know. Oh, that's a... I can't give you any advice on that, unfortunately. No, because we didn't have a... A puppy and a newborn. No.

You did have dogs. We had the doggies, yes. Obviously, we still get questions about our doggies, but our doggies are rehomed. We three years ago. Wow. Three years ago at the end of this year, which is crazy. So you never had like a small baby and a dog at the same time. No.

No. Never had a, like toddlers. But not a newborn. Not a newborn. No. So I wouldn't be able to give any. It does terrify me. Also, what does really terrify me and please, I'm not, I don't want anyone to think I'm speaking

out of turn. But I don't know how I feel about a cat. and a baby because apparently cats can, do they swaddle? Like they will, I always worry about the cat jumping into like the baby's or sitting on them. Or sitting on them. Or something like that really, really frightens me. And obviously a lot of people do have pets and babies at the same time.

I personally, it wouldn't be for me. You have to have the trust in your pet though, don't you? And people often say like, oh, my cat would never or my dog would never. Like, I just think it's a lot to look after a baby and a dog at the same time. I always thought I'd be the kind of person that was like, oh, I'll have a puppy and a baby at the same time it will be so cute. But now I'm like, I can't imagine how people look after both those things. But people love that so much.

But they make it work. They make it work. And also, it can be such a beautiful relationship between the babies and children and pets. Yes. So obviously, you know, it can be lovely. And you've already, the puppy's already your baby because you've already got him. Yes. But I don't know what you do about that.

People say bring a blanket home, like from a hospital and get them used to the smell of the baby. aren't they? Yes. But could you do like we do? Like I gave Colby a stroller when I was pregnant with Dottie so that he could walk the baby. Could you walk a stroll around the road? Get them used to it. To get the dog used to being next to the buggy.

And like have you got your Moses basket up and maybe put on like the white noise or the sound of a baby? Yeah, like do all the, pretend all the things so they get used to it before the baby's there. Like you would do when you're trying to introduce your toddler to them having a new sibling. you try and introduce things. Do we get a dolly for the dog? Yes. Do we get a dolly? And you hold the dolly.

Try practicing holding the dolly in a blanket. Yes. To try and say to the dog, no, calm, sit, wait. You know, I don't know. I wouldn't know. I'm not an expert in that realm. It'd be good to hear from people that have done it though.

If you could. I mean, that sounds like great advice. That actually sounds like fantastic advice, considering we don't know what we're talking about. Yeah. But please do, please do share more serious. Yeah. People that are through it will be more useful than us.

So let us know. And we'll pass it on to our girl, Demi. And Demi, you're right at the very end, darling. I hope you're surviving the wave. I hope you're doing it incredibly well. And I hope the pregnancy is going wonderfully for you. And your little bubba is growing beautifully. Oh, gosh, you're so close now.

How exciting. So close. But also, let us know if you do give birth. Obviously, you're going to give birth. But obviously, do let us know when you give birth. We'd love to know if you have a boy or a girl. Because obviously, if you have a boy. And I want to know what's your girls now?

Girls know, yes. We only got your boys. Boys name's Colby. Yeah. But thank you. Sending you all our love and all the world. God bless you. Okay. Let's have secret number two. Okay, this says, hi ladies. I'm a struggling mum who wants her son's sparkle back. My son is 13 and has ADHD. I've always told him that ADHD is his superpower, but it's never an excuse to be rude or stop trying. Things were going really well until his dad cut contact with him. Since then, everything has changed. My once funny, sarcastic, happy little boy now locks himself away in his room. His confidence has disappeared and it's

absolutely breaking my heart. I've tried reaching out for support, but the lack of services for S-E-N children where we live in the Northwest has been so disappointing. His dad is completely inconsistent. He'll see him for an hour, then disappear for six months. Eventually, I told him I didn't want our son having a yo-yo dad, and he chose to walk away. Now I'm left carrying so much mum guilt while trying to help my son through the heartbreak. I just want my happy boy back from Anonymous. Oh, that's so heartbreaking. That is absolutely heartbreaking. That is so incredibly sad. I mean, I think Like don't feel guilty because I feel like she's done what she thought was the best thing for her son's relationship with his dad. It's so hard because again, I can only ever give from my own perspective.

And also that perspective is hard because, you know, I, you know, my children don't have, you know, additional needs. So I always feel that I'm speaking out of turn. And I feel that I'm, it's a lot for me. or I'm feeling entitled that I can talk about something when it's not my reality in my every day. And I do find it really hard to talk or give any advice or share my opinion because I don't know what it's like every single day. Just if we're going to say a 13-year-old boy who is hormonal,

you know, we're not going to lie. I've been a 13-year-old girl, lived with a 13-year-old twin brother, and he was fucking wild at 13. So we've all been there, haven't we, whether we've had a sibling or a cousin around us. And it is hard because this is the phase that they're going through, isn't it? But to have additional needs as well as not having his dad around. Yeah.

It's got to be really hard. And like Emma just said, I personally wouldn't feel guilty because you're making the right steps to create a safe home for him somewhere where he can be and be safe. He knows you're there. And I think it's maybe he's shutting himself away if his dad's letting him down because it's like that false hope, isn't it? is to he gets attached to his dad being there and he gets to see him and it makes him excited and probably makes him really happy. And then he just goes again for a long time. Yeah, and he's not going to understand why.

No, but I would say keep doing what you're doing. You've got a home. You're putting his needs before everybody else. Yeah. And obviously you wouldn't be here messaging us if he wasn't your whole entire world and you cared more than anything. So I think keep doing what you're doing. And I guess it's hard being.

you know, a 13 year old boy, are they going to shut themselves in their room? Yes. Yeah. How much of it is just being a 13 year old boy? How much of it is a 13 year? And how much of it is related to what's going on? Yeah. Yeah. So that's a hard. But as long as you're always available for him, you're there, he knows you're there. As long as you're staying calm and as patient as you possibly can and creating a space that's safe for him to be in to be himself. Again, asking like things like days out or is there hobbies that he, enjoys doing that you could as well you're doing the job of two people but picking up the flack for like is there anything that he did with his dad that he really enjoyed doing or is there

another male in his life like an uncle or something like that or a cousin that's a little bit old or anybody around him or granddad that can maybe step in to to take on maybe you know even if it's a Sunday for an hour they go to do something that he really enjoys doing just to take the load off of you a little bit. But again, I feel like it's hard to give my opinion. That would only be, you know, what I would be able to give on the matter. Yeah. I'm sure there is a lot of people that are able to give you. In a similar situation. I just feel like a teenager in general as well. It's really hard. They're going to hold things against you because that's just what they're like. And if he sees you as the person who's taken his dad out of his life, he's going to be resentful

probably for a little bit. But hopefully we'll get to a point where. he understands that what you've done is for the best. Yeah. But it's just hard. Yeah, because a 13-year-old boy at this moment in time is hard work anyway. You know, this age is hard work. Just gone into teenagerhood. So not that involved with is well additional needs.

And then having a dad who's just walking in and out of your life when it suits him. Yeah. That's really, really tough. And then mum's always there. And we always go for the ones that we are always there and are always accessible. And the ones we love the most is the ones we love the most is the ones. we hurt the most. And you are always there.

You're his safety blanket without knowing it because he may be angry at you or lashed out at you or losing his temper at you or shutting away from you. It's because he knows you're always there. He knows you always come back. And as though it seems that he is being angry at you, he's only lashing out because that's his safe place. Yeah, which is a hard position to be in. He's not going to lash out of it.

It's his dad. If his dad is seeing him for one day. So inconsistent. Yeah. he's going the next. When he sees him, he's going to, he's going to savor up the time and not lash out. But I don't want you to, I don't want you to beat yourself up. You're doing an incredible job.

And again, it's that saying, isn't it? What is it? Treat them in, keep him keen. I don't want to use that scenario because obviously it's mother and son. But we're never going to give up. We're always going to come back. And our children do know that. Yeah.

So it's a case of you just got to keep sticking it out. haven't we? And it will change one day. One day it will get better. But I know that's not what you want to hear. And I know you need a little bit more than that. So I would love if anybody does have any advice if you're going through it or you've been through it or you can reach out and support each other through it. Because I'm sure there's mum's at home also scared to speak out or ask for advice or know what to even do. Yeah. So yeah, that would be really wonderful. Yes. And we're sending you all I love in all the world. Yeah, I agree. Right. Should we have our last one. Yes, this says, hey ladies. I'm Jay, a proud dad in the club. Go on, Jay. My wife Michelle always has the

podcast on in the car and after all these months I like to think I'm an honorary member too. She told me I had to write in and tell you about one of my proudest moments as a girl dad. Our daughter is 15 and like most teenagers, she finds absolutely everything I do embarrassing. For the years, I've made it my personal mission to keep that street going. I'll deliberately get all the latest slang wrong in front of her friends like 5, 6, of six seven. This is so my dad. Or I'd call her ridiculous nicknames like my little caramel decath macchiato. Every time she responds with, oh my God, dad, you're so embarrassing. It just encourages me even more. On the last day of term this year, I decided to take things to the next level. Oh, fuck me. Oh my gosh. I'm so incredibly excited. I turned up at the

school gates in full 90s fancy dress, neon shell suit, bum bag, sunglasses, the lot. The look on her face was priceless. She marched over hissing, dad, what are you doing? or trying to drag me back towards the car. She gave me a 15-minute death stare on the journey home. The joys of being an embarrassing dad. Oh, that's Jay, you won it for me. That's iconic. Well done.

All right. All right, yeah. You've got to. You've got to. It's got to be done. There is going to be a point in your life when she, in her life that she would look back and go, that was funny as fun.

She'll think that's funny. Yeah. It's just not right now. But it's so comical. She'll realize when she gets older how cool her dad was for being embarrassing. The ones I saw in America when they were doing those in America, in America. They were dressing up as Buddy the elf with a pizza and they were calling their child like

Buddy the elf. It's me, buddy. Oh my gosh. It was iconic. So brilliant. So brilliant. So no, I'm all for it.

I love it. Yeah. And God bless him and Michelle sat in the car listening. Cute. That is adorable. I know. But all I love to you and your beautiful family and thanks for being a J. We appreciate you.

And you are welcome. I hope the daughter is actually okay though. I think she's all right. 15 is a very. 15's a tough. 15's well. You know what we say. this, any age is a tough age. I know. It's like a new challenge, isn't it? I know.

It's a new challenge. But we're all in this shit together. And we're loving. We're loving it, aren't we? Yeah. Yeah. Well, are we loving having a 15 year old and a 13 year old? Are we are we loving having a 13 year old? I love mine because I hand them back. I don't live with them. They're with my sister. My nephew, terrys is 15 and my old. Don't get too fucking smart because this will be you soon. I know. But then all I think is then they're going to be double their age. Then they'll be over helping me. Yeah. Pay it back, guys.

And also, I've got to try before I buy. I'm basically a fucking pro. I've got through every fucking age. Yeah, you best believe what mine are through it. I'm going to be like, eh! Thank you for sharing your secrets this week. Everyone is welcome in the Secret Mum Club. If you'd like to share your secrets with us, you can.

The email is hello at secret mumpod.com or with Secret Mumpod on TikTok and Instagram. I need to know how you're embarrassing your teens. Oh, yes. Or have you got any tips on bringing a puppy and a newborn up at the same time? Then let us know there really is nothing too outrageous. Keep an eye out for our Thursday episodes. And we'll see you next time on the Secret Mum Club!