Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Curtain Confusion

Episode Date: February 12, 2026

The ladies have been keeping a secret, but all is finally revealed… There’s an update from Kelsey on managing her twins’ cot chaos, plus the ladies receive expert advice from a listener on handling mischievous toddlers. And one family’s brand new curtains lead to a very unfortunate (and very sweary) mispronunciation. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Before we do get into this episode, the episode does come with a lot of expletives. I couldn't say the word, so there was Emma's input into that. But no, the episode has a lot of swearing. More than usual. More than you. But yeah, the last secret is right at the end of the app. But we just wanted to let you know before we get into this. Hello, this is the Secret Mum Club.

I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. And welcome to your Thursday's episode where we get to squeeze in all the extra bits and bobs from the week. Squeeze your bits, honey, on my new tits. I don't have new tits. Screeze the tip. And your bit. Shall we jump boney?

Oh, no. No, yeah. Do you want to finish your line? Okay, dokey. All your comments, thoughts, questions and fun stories. To keep you going through the weekend. Shall we jump ponies? There it is.

There it is. We got there in the end. Right. Before we get into the correspondence corner, we need to talk. We're talking. Our live show! Yass! Coming to Bush Hall in London on the 20th of May.

What better place for us to go than to the bush? We love a bush. Let's go to the bush. Let's go get away. Taking my bucket crush. Bucket crush to the bush. Take my bucket crush to the bush. I'm really excited.

I am too. We've heard. We've listened and we will... And we've responded. Okay. And we will deliver. We're going live. It's only one night only.

One night only. One night only. It's been too long. It's been over a year since our last live show. And I just can't wait to get back. to the people. I am slightly nerve, though. Are you?

Yeah. I'm not as nervous as I was last time. I'm poop my pants. Because now we've met them all and we know they're nice. But what if the same ones don't come again? It's a different crowd. Yes, a different crowd. Horrible ones.

They might hate us. They're like, what is this shit? No, I can't wait. I can't wait to meet some more of you. It's going to be so excited. I'm really excited. And if you come the first time, do you think you'd come again? It's a lot of coming.

Come again? Come again? Coming. Come again. We hope loads of you can make it and we can't wait to see you. Tickets are on sale on Friday the 13th of February. So head to our socials for more info and the link to buy tickets. Okay.

Shall we get into the Corresponders Corner? Oh, right, are you ready? Yeah. Take it away, Emma. Okay. We've heard back from Kelsey. Who wrote in about her toddlers.

Yeah, learning to climb out of their cots. Yes, the Twinnies. The Twinnies. Yes. It says, hi, ladies, just an update on the cot situation. Holy shit. I'm excited. Okay.

Did our voice work? I think of mine. We transformed their room into toddler beds. Yes. On my, I am so exhausted first night, they were up at 4 a.m. and didn't nap. I hadn't realised they figured out how to turn the camera off these fucking twins. Hold on. You need to fucking get them in.

They're like Batesk. They're like Houdini. Genius. Fucking hell. And I thought, they're being quiet, so they'll sleep soon. Oh, boy, was I wrong? Oh, no. Oh, God.

They got into absolutely everything and didn't nap until later in the afternoon. One night, it was 40 degrees Celsius. this is Australia. Yes. And we had a two-hour power outage. My husband took their sleep sacks off to keep them cool, but never put them back on. I was woken at five, oh, now it really, oh, it can work. It's all gone wrong.

It's all gone wrong. It's all gone wrong. Kelsey, I'm so sorry. I was woken at 5 a.m. to poo smear everywhere all over the room and all over them, which is what she said would happen. She did. She told us that. It's going to take his nappy off and smear poo everywhere.

And he did. They had the best time ever. I, however, have never felt so numb or unsure what to do. Took me an hour to clean up, but I'm still dreaming about it. It was honestly a horror scene. Vet nursing student and mama of monsters, Kelsey. Oh, Kelsey, I'm so sorry. Kelsey, I feel fucking awful.

None of our advice worked. It didn't work. Oh, my gosh. What are you going to do with them, boys? They can't go in cot. They can't go in toddler beds. They turn their camera off. They open their nappies.

What are we thinking of separate rooms? Separate them. Hmm. If you've got the space. Yeah, if you do have, obviously, that's a big thing. If you do have the space. Also, they do say don't split twins, don't they? Do they?

Until when? 35? Richie still sleeps in my bed. We spoon, no. Yeah, I don't. That's a tough one, isn't it? I'm so sorry. Would they have done well in the toddler beds if you'd been able to keep their sleeping bags on?

Because then you wouldn't have had the nappy situation. They would have turned the cameras off. They're turning the cameras off. Of course, absolute rigmarole. Oh. I don't know what to suggest. We need some twin parents to get into it. serious advice in here people come on come to the front share your stories

twin parents come through share your tips because Kelsey's out of here struggling we really need some help and advice because that is just all jokes aside obviously we laugh don't you because the poo's smearing I feel like at one point we've been there we've had bad poos yeah but that is just I just I feel for her she's she's exhausted it's boy fucking boiling. She's tired. She's having to clean up poo at 5am. Just no one needs that. It's not the one. Oh, Kelsey. Sorry Kelsey. Right, we're calling everyone. We've been no fucking use to her. So we need. We haven't. We've actually probably made Kelsey's life even more harder than what it was. But we never know. And this is the thing we're parenting. You never know unless you try it.

Exactly. We never know unless you try it. And hopefully it can't get worse than that. Let's say the only way is up from here, Kelsey. The only way is up. Baby. For you. Oh, someone's actually been in touch. Oh my Christ. Sorry, I should have read ahead. Oh, Holly has been in touch about Kelsey's situation and it says, hi ladies.

This is in response to Kelsey asking for advice about her twins. Oh, my gosh. We were too premature. Oh, my gosh. Premature ejaculation. Excuse me. What? I'm a primary school teacher and I manage behavior across the school.

Part of my role is going into classes where teachers are struggling with specific pupils and working out where the behavior is coming from and what we can do to change it. Okay. A huge part of child psychology is attention. seeking. Everything young children do, especially toddlers, is about seeing what reaction they get. They aren't able to distinguish between a positive reaction and a negative one yet. Yes. They just know what gets attention. Yes. Ignoring certain behaviours can be one of the most effective ways of stopping them. Yes. Allowing behaviour while helping children understand the consequences can also be

really successful. For example, my daughter is eight and she's always been allowed to swear at home. She knows she's not allowed to swear at school or other people's houses because it never got a big reaction and it was never taboo, she simply doesn't bother doing it. Yeah. Interesting. That's kind of your theory. This is what I've said, yes. Yes.

I think babyproofing the room and allowing children to sleep in a bed they can safely get in and out of is really great advice. Oh, okay. I feel a bit less shit now. Oh, no. Yeah, I was just like I feel less shit now. Yeah. They're communicating that they're ready for more independence. Of course, we still need boundaries.

But if the space is safe, there's no harm in giving them autonomy over it. So the bed thing could work. But it was just the fact that it was so hot. and they had to keep the sleep bags. Yes. But if they could stay in their sleeping bags, not take their nappies off. Yes.

Then that might be a thing. It's just the camera. They turn the camera off. Because you put the camera out of reach. Yeah, the camera would have to go higher. But then I guess mine's a plug-in camera. They could just switch it off.

Yes. I mean, I don't have a camera on. Funny, though, we didn't ever have them with Colby and Dottie. Yet with Renner's, we have a camera. Did people have them when Colby and Dottie were?

Yeah. But I wonder if it was because, because we were in the bungalow. Yes, they were close. And they were literally only in the next room. But then that makes no sense because Reni is in the next room. It's just next door. Yeah.

But I don't sleep with his door open. No, I have Sadie's door pulled, actually, no, closed and I don't have a camera. But I can hear her. Yeah. No. But maybe you could try no camera. But then I guess you want to know what they're getting up to in there. Yeah, yes.

But then again, as long as we know that they're fully safe in there. And the room's babyproofed. Yeah. I mean. Okay, so we weren't completely off of the mark. No. But. Try that.

It is. And it's really hard because sometimes I feel like there's been situations where I've been in with all three children, especially maybe Dottie because I feel like she is one for a way bigger imagination. Like her mind runs so much wider and greater than the boys. And she was one maybe that I maybe had to not react to certain things. So like if she did something, I didn't want to have a big reaction to it because then I didn't want her to be like, well, I'll just do that again. Because that is the kind of nature that Dottie is, is that if she does something, again, maybe a bit attention seeking.

But that was, she was a lot older than the twins. Yeah. The negative reaction thing is really hard with toddlers because they do do some mad shit that you're like, oh my God, in your immediate reaction is like, no, that's not safe. Oh, that's dangerous, but all they know is they're getting a reaction. And it's really hard to not do that. Yes. But it is really hard not to do that. Yeah.

And you also have to be like, oh, oh, no, let's, mommy's got to tidy up now. Yes. We can't leave it like this. And it is hard. And sometimes when you're shattered and you're literally exhausted. You're at the end of your tenor. It's very hard. It is really hard to find that, that bit in you.

And I think that's what people say to me, obviously because I do do social media and I load videos and everyone's like, oh, gosh, you're so happy all of the time. And it took me a long, a long time to get to being this person. Like I was on the train this morning with my friend and he said, you're, you're always just so relaxed and you're always just so easy go with the flow. But I haven't always been that parent. I haven't always been there and it's taken me a really long time. And I said to him this morning that I wish I was my third parent to my first. And in hindsight, that's the easy thing to say because when you're a first time parent, it would never be that way. It would never ever be that way. But obviously now being that I'm this far down, how I'm parenting Renly is

way different to how I parented Colby, even how I parented Dotty. So it is after a lot of a big journey and a lot of self-discovery is that children do react to your reaction. So how you react to a situation is how they react to it. One, I've always been like, well, I don't want to scare them into thinking it's something that they should be frightened of. you know, if someone's raised their voice, I want to make sure that when I'm using an assertive voice, it's used in an emergency, that we need them to stop dead in the tracks. So that's why I can't, or that I've maybe taught myself to not raise my voice and to be a little bit more relaxed. But also, when I'm handling the situation with them as relaxed as I possibly can be,

I'm actually not stressing myself out. And then I kind of find in the end of the day, when I sit down with Chris and I talk about it, I laugh about it because I'm like, I'm like, I'm a Poon army this afternoon. afternoon and shit everywhere, you know. And it is hard. It is hard. And I'm not saying it's ever easy, but children react to your reaction. Also, they don't react. So if I shout at them or if I'm calm, I get the same reaction.

Yeah, it's just noise. Do you know what I mean? And that's my worry is that sometimes the lines were so blurred with them that I would not get the reaction that I needed them to stop. Don't run into that road. You know, I wanted to keep that tone of voice maybe or that action for being. a serious one. So I do,

I can obviously take from this as to what, um, is it Helen? Holly. Holly, sorry Holly. Um, from what Holly is saying.

I totally, I totally get that. I do. You've just got to like remind yourself to be like, just be calm. Be calm. And when you're clearing up shit at five o'clock in the morning, you're obviously like, fuck this. Yeah.

You know. Yeah. And it's two as well. It is two babies. Yeah. So there is that element of it being. more, you know, and it's a lot more to contend with. And I'm just hoping that you find something that works.

Yeah. But it's easy for us to sit here and say, stay as calm as you possibly can. Yeah. Because it's not our reality every day, is it? But we really hope that you're okay. And again, if anybody does have any other advice, help, stories, whether you've been through it, going through it, please do share it because we do love to share it on and hope that we can help another mama out. So thank you,

thank you, Holly. And thank you, Kelsey, so much for getting back in touch with us. And we're here with you every step of the way. I wish I could just come there. I will clean up the poo at five. I'll do that for you. You go back to bed. In the 40 degree here. I will. I will. Yeah, I will. So thank you so much for your messages. If you have any comments, thoughts or funny stories, why not get in touch? You can email us hello at secretmanpod.com Or we're Secret Mumpod on TikTok and Instagram. Next, it's time for one of your Oh, not Emma's, yours, your secrets. Welcome back, we love a secret on the Secret Mum Club.

And you are all so good at sharing. So Emma, what have you got for us today? Okay, this comes from Georgia in Hampshire. As in my Hampshire or Hampshire, USA? I think you're Hampshire. Oh, wow. Yeah. Go on, Gil.

It says, hi, Sophie and Emma. Firstly, thank you for being my feel-good pod. Oh, thank you. Following your midnight quaver's episode and the story about the child repeatedly saying, fuckers, I thought I'd share my own horrifying tale. Over Christmas we renovated our living room Part of that was buying new curtains My little one must have heard me talking about them

When people asked where they were from A few days later whilst in the living room He turned around and said Mama, it's cunt Oh God Mama it's cunt Like a deer in headlights So I calmly replied

Sorry baby He said again It's cunt Trying to stay calm I asked Can you tell Mama what you're looking at He walked over to the curtain pointed at them, stared me dead in the eye and said,

it's cut. He couldn't say curtain, but he was trying so hard. Oh, my husband nearly choked when he heard it. Thankfully, after very casually pointing out the curtain, many, many times, he can now say it properly. But honestly, nothing worse than having a pair of cunts in your living room. It's cubs all over the gaff. What a pair of cunts.

Emma's just going to really reap this up because she loves the C word. I love the C-bom. And this episode's going to be like, beep, beep, beep. We actually actually delete it out of one of our episodes because Emma just dropped it in one of the moments. Any chance we can get this removed? Drop the C-bomb, Masse is like, go in. Sorry, can we just actually have a cunt? There, thank you.

Now we're just fully embracing. Right, pericunt. See you next Tuesday's all over the place. See you next Tuesday. Oh, bless his heart. Oh, it's come. Can you imagine he come in at Christmas trying to tell the family, Look at our new cunts.

Yeah. Cunts. If you say it cunts. Doesn't sound so aggressive. It does sound a bit like curtains when you say that. Cairns. Oh, lovely new pair of cuss. Might try it and Chris are going to get home.

God, I really love these cunt. I think we should get some new cunts. Oh, thank you so much. Oh, thanks, Georgia. That's wonderful, isn't it? Yeah. What wild pronunciations have your little one said? Let us know.

You can email us hello at secretmummpod.com or with SecretMumPod on TikTok and Instagram. And we'll be back first thing on Tuesday. And we'll have more of your messages on our next Thursday episode. And we'll see you next time on the Secret Mum Club.