Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Daddies Special!

Episode Date: June 16, 2024

It's Father's Day! And to celebrate all the daddies out there Sophiena and Emma have put together an extra special little episode. Be warned, there are lots of tangents, outrageous dad stories and secrets including a Nair mishap that sends Soph over the edge. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello this is the secret mom club i'm safina and i'm emma and welcome to our father's day special yeah we wanted to shine a light on all the amazing dads and all the pizza dicks out there and what better way than to dedicate an episode to them so let's show the daddies in the audience some love what have you and the children got in store for chrissy this year so renly's got a lot of ideas renly we've got renly in store for the um yeah what are you giving him a new baby what the fucking hell no this one i mean oh so say jesus christ i'm not just gonna pop out another one no no no i'm done it's my curtains are closed yeah beef curtains are closed yeah okay yeah i'm not um as much as i really love the idea of another baby i say this all the time don't i i generally don't i'm scared i'll get two

the next time imagine going from four to six three to five what am i now three i'm five every three to five so i'd go from a family of five to seven yeah yeah wow yes that means business people carrier territory wow yeah it's quite a scary scary um thought isn't it yeah do you know what i've just had a thought i've been chatting to my friend about vasectomies for yourself we could Well, that could be a Father's Day present for Chris and for Stefan. Is Stefan considering it? No, but my friend who had a baby at the same time,

Sadie, his partner, is getting one. Oh, I thought your friend was called Sadie. I was gonna say that's, hope she's a good friend. They had a baby at the same time as we had a baby. And now, and they're like totally decided they don't want any more that's it shop shut dad's getting a vasectomy crumbs i know it's quite a final decision isn't it i know it can be reversed but i asked stefan about it and he was like i don't know it feels a bit too final bit too final

i think we might it's the final countdown i think we might wait a bit longer maybe eventually i don't think you should i think there's one left in you. Do you? Yeah, I do. We've spoken about this and I don't think so. I think so. I don't think I could put my body through another... I'll put one in you.

We've spoken about my belly button. Oh, Emma's got... Emma wants cosmetic surgery on her belly button. Yeah, and actually, I'd like someone to tell me whether that's a procedure that exists because I want a belly button lift because it's the only part of my body that you can really tell that i've had two babies it's been stretched beyond all recognition because emma gets her belly button out every day just so

everybody knows it's the first thing she does when she enters the studio just flash the button yep i'm always in crop give us a push i love that we got the same scar though i feel like it's the um belly piercing scar it's the it's spiders the scar of the noughties and i've got one for each baby one one way one that way and then one down is yeah the only reason i've got scars on my belly button now is because i had that bloody piercing when i was 15 and i should listen to my mom and not had it yeah because then my belly button would be absolutely fine you wouldn't be intact you wouldn't be in this mess i know would you say oh you don't really have them i was gonna say would you say belly button surgery hemorrhoids i'd probably

remove my hemorrhoids yeah i haven't got that problem so i'll go for belly button surgery do you not just have hemorrhoids for pushing out big poo no no i think it's more common after you've had a baby because you've obviously pushed a lot yeah you've pushed so hard yeah yeah so i know i haven't got that but i had them before I gave birth because I just push out massive shit. That's a very you thing, I feel like. I feel like taking them away from me would just be, it would ruin my. It'd be wrong. It would be wrong.

It's almost part of your personality at this point. It is. It's my whole personality trait. Not the children. When people say the children are your personality trait. No, no. My piles and my hemorrhoids are. Just me and my hemorrhoids.

Yeah. Just me and my hemorrhoids. Yeah, just children. Me and my hemorrhoids and I. I'd be so lonely. Imagine how free my bum hole would be if you just cut them away. But anywho, we were talking about our dads. Yeah, well not our dads, our partners. Well, and our dad. Well, yeah.

Because I need to think about my dad as well. Yeah, well he's obviously- He's thinking about your dad. He's got his card from Moonpick, so he's happy with that. Yeah. He doesn't need any more in life. He doesn't need anything else. He doesn't need it.

What more could he want? Exactly. And he's got me. And he's got you. What an doesn't need anything else he doesn't need what more could he want exactly and he's got me and he's got you what an absolute treasure to this i say that to my dad every father's day you've got the best daughter that you could have ever wished for what more do you want and that's what i basically say to chrissy like what more could you want for father's day when you've got a wonderful partner and three beautiful children yeah and i call him daddy i've done enough for you, pizza dick. What more do you want? That's what you call him now, right? Yeah, every day.

Yeah. Every day I refer to him just as pizza dick. He's in your phone. Pizza dick! He's in your phone as pizza dick. I've seen it. To be fair, Dotsie does refer to him as pizza dick. Yeah. More than you would like to think.

Yeah. He's in your phone as pizza emoji aubergine. I would love to say he is, but he he is not he's actually saved in my phone as daddy yeah which i we've spoken about before i think is weird yeah to be fair there's nothing more embarrassing when the phone rings and it says daddy on the screen and you're like because you think people think it's your dad yeah yeah and you still call him daddy and i'm even just saying it's because the children ring him off my phone him daddy and i'm even just saying it's because the children ring him off my phone so dotty every time she goes into my phone she's like yeah they're looking for daddy yeah yeah and she'll look for it and then she knows to call it

yeah yeah stefan's in my phone as stefan powell that's i love how you've double double named him there full name just in case i forget chris does, though, sometimes when he rings me, it does come up Chris. Oh, does it? Yeah. So it's like a split personality in my phone. Does it ever come up as Christopher Ryder? No. It does not come up as Christopher Francis.

Is that his name? Yeah. Such a posh name, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. I got a weird name, though. I don't think I've ever told anybody this. What's your middle name?

Safina Karis Suzette. You've never spoken your middle name? Safina Karis Suzette. You've never spoken about that before. Safina Karis Suzette. Karis? Karis. K-A-R-I-S. Suzette. Like the crepe.

Crepe. Crepe Suzette. Crepe Suzette. Because your mum's Suzanne. So is that kind of after her? Yeah, after her. And then Karis is like after my dad, Chris. Oh.

I always laugh though because my sister's Roxanne. So I always say my dad was into prosies at the time her middle name's Crystal is it? do you sing Roxanne to her like that? every time and she's like oh gosh I've never heard that before

you don't have to put out a red light you don't have to say about it till the night Roxanne seriously though, Father's Day presents we digress what are we going to do for father's day i'm going to tell you something and this is god's honest truth may not come as a shock to you chrissy doesn't actually like to do anything for father's day

yeah he doesn't want anyone making a big deal about him he doesn't it's really hard to buy chrissy gifts what do you buy the man that has everything? I feel like all men have everything. I find that Father's Day is the hardest one out of the year to buy for. What the hell do I get Stefan? What the hell do I get my dad? And also it's a double whammy. So I got my dad a bottle of Jack Daniels because that's his favourite. Lovely.

Hashtag if you'd like to sponsor us. My dad would love that forever. Not an ad, not a sponsor. Just love it. And I bought him the sweatshirt. You should get one of them. What is it? The sweatshirt with the names. Oh, the names grandbabies oh the grandchildren yeah so he's got granddad

established in 2009 because that's when my niece mel disney that was the first one and then we just got his name so my sisters are on one arm and then mine and now on the other arm so he's got all his grandbabies on his arm oh that's cute and cute. And I do that for Chrissy as well. Yeah. Yeah, that's a nice idea. Yeah, I've got no idea. My dad is literally the hardest person to buy for. Like all he really likes is tools.

Does he drink alcohol, your dad? Not really. He doesn't really drink. I don't want to, him and my mum are a bit of a health kick. So I can't really do like chocolate and sweets. Does he run, your dad? No, he does cycle. Oh.

So like normally it'll be like a piece. Peloton? When you get him a peloton? No, yeah, just casual. Just drop a grand on a peloton. I'm not made of money. No, he cycles on like a road bike so every now and then we'll get him

like one piece of cycling paraphernalia. Does he wear paraphernalia? He wears, he's a, Isn't that drugs? What do they call them? No, it's just bits. Isn't it? No, it's not. Paraphernalia? He wears, he's a, what do they call them? No, it's just bits. No, it's not. Paraphernalia's drugs.

No. No. I've got the nod from Adam. I've got the seal of approval. Oh. I thought paraphernalia was like cocaine. No, it can't. That'll make him cycle fast.

Fucking hell. Jesus Christ. You should get him a little baggie for Father's Day. Have a good time, Daddy. You're welcome. Have a lovely time on that one, Dad. Don't tell Mum. I think it can mean drugs but also just stuff shit in general oh okay that stuff right but i wouldn't know what to get him because i'm not a cycling i don't know about cycling does he wear the shoes oh god he wears all the gear yeah he's a mammal they call them middle-aged

men in lycra mammal yeah there's loads of them around where they live full of middle-aged men in Lycra. Mammal. Yeah. There's loads of them around where they live. Full of middle-aged men in Lycra. What's up, my mammals? It's Sid the Sloth. Do you know what that film that's from? Fuck. Deutropolis. So wasteful. Fuck off.

Get out. Madagascar. No, it's Ice Age. Ice Age. You made me question myself then. I was close. I'm Sid the Sloth. I'm going to eat the last dandelion.

I did know Sid the Sloth was from Ice Age actually did you you lied I did so yeah that's so maybe a bit

erratic episode isn't it bit of lycra for my dad and for Stefan oh no word of a lie I know what I'm gonna get Stefan a pizza dick

cutter I hope you see imagine you can get an actual pizza dick cutter for your pizza you need that like a bicycle fuck you could have called your dad one of them.

Oh, a bicycle pizza cutter. Does he like pizza? Yeah, they don't have it loads, but he does like it. He could use it for anything though. Quiche Lorraine? Sandwiches. Yeah. Yeah, you could have bought him that.

That's a genius idea. So what was... You need to get Chris's own merch. Pizza dick pizza. Pizza dick pizza cutter. What do you do for a living? We actually make poo knives and pizza dick cutters. Yeah.

They cut your pizza into a shape of a dick. You could get one big, like a cake cutter, like a cookie cutter, but just have a big dick shape to go with it. I bet that exists already because I think people probably make them for like hen do's and stuff. You can get penis pasta, pinna-lick. Yes. Willy pasta, can't you? I've seen it, yeah.'s a hendo classic it's do you want to know something really awkward I actually went to an ann summer's party once and I had my sister's children round and I had no pasta and I did I don't think I've ever told my sister I did serve them penis shaped

pasta how old were they I think my sister only had the two at the time, the eldest two. So I want to say they were maybe like four and three. Oh, so they wouldn't have known. No, they were eating the penis pasta unawares. A really bad thing to admit. I don't think I've ever told anybody that in my life. No, they're fine. They're not traumatised by it.

Penis shaped pasta. Looking back now, I was in my savage single life yeah didn't have kids then didn't care i went to an ann summers party and walked out with a packet of penis shaped pasta and not anything else no lube no dildos just penis shaped pasta that says a lot about you clearly yeah i feel like that gives a lot that gives savina vibes doesn't it yeah Stefan obviously he'll know now because he's had it it's father's day but I'm literally getting him gardening mules

they are the ugliest effing shoes you've ever seen but he saw them around my mum and dad's house and said he wanted a pair so I'm getting them they're like crocs but for the garden disgusting but he's going to love it so i'm pretty happy with that you've got him gardening wheels lucky stefan look i already got him a baby this year

i thought you can't top that you can't top that so we just gave them the best gift known to mankind truly and a fabulous i'm a fabulous wife so what more could he want exactly you know they get to wake up with us every day well stefan doesn't because we're in separate beds but well you're still in the house yes I'm just next door I'm not I haven't gone far he can knock on my door whenever he wants now we're going to hit up the daddy's correspondence Connor yeah we asked you if you'd like to spread the love today and loads of you got in touch. Katie wrote in to say, this is my husband Tom's first Father's Day.

He's such a hardworking and amazing dad, so we hope he has the best day. Love from Harry and Katie. That's absolutely adorable. Happy first Daddy's Day. Oh, God. Do you know when a time that daddy used to be really, really like innocent to just say it?

No. No, you can't. You can't say it any other way. Hope you have an amazing, amazing First Father's Day. Yeah. Congratulations. Congratulations. And I hope it's the best of many to come. Yeah.

Yeah. All right. This one is from Sue. She says, Graham, my husband since November last year has adopted my seven grandchildren at the ripe age of 70. So I want to wish him a happy father's day from all of us bloody hell go on graham pick up yourself that is incredible isn't it go on graham what a wonderful man graham we hope you have the best day wow seven grandchildren seven you're on seven aren't you we are ren's number seven yeah yeah and on stefan's side of the family we're

lucky number seven as well stop it what say he is uh yeah oh yeah on my side on my family's side there's four and then on stefan's side there's seven yeah it's a good number that's incredible pick up all the granddaddies today yeah yeah don't forget the granddaddies because they are huge the granddaddies and the great granddaddies and the daddies and the uncles and the uncles the uncles that step in as daddies and the daddies that are not the birth daddies all the father figures yeah but they just they just show up and just do bits yeah fucking love that sorry thank you graham thank you thank you sue thank you and thank you sue yeah thank you sue claire's been in touch she says i want to share my love for my stepdad david he's been in my life since i was six and i couldn't imagine a better father figure he's seen

me grow up and is now grandpa to my two children no matter if i need help fixing something around the house a lift somewhere or a shoulder to lean on he's always there for us so happy father's day to the best dad and all the other dads out there looking after their children and stepchildren oh are you gonna cry bloody hell isn't it for life that is classic dad isn't it need help fixing something you need a lift somewhere that is still the person I call even though I'm 35

anything happens I'm like dad do you do that awkward thing where you watch to see if Stefan can do it and then secretly you're texting your dad

and you're like he's gonna fuck this up I swear to god if he makes this bad and I always say dad always says if you ask Chris yeah I don't ask him dad I don't ask him just come around and do it he's out this afternoon

i know i feel like sometimes it's like emasculating to be like stefan you can't do this so we need my dad yeah thank you claire for that message and big up big up all the daddies yeah big up david and all the daddies big up all the daddies big up yourselves big up your butt selves those are some incredible messages. So thank you for sending them in. And if there's anything you'd like to send to us, you can, the email is hello at secretmumpod.com or with Secret Mumpod on TikTok and Instagram.

And we'll be back after this. welcome back to our father's day special we have three secrets all about the daddies out there so emma let's have the first one all right this one is from alicia she says hi ladies i've got a little secret with my dad that no one else knows oh one morning when i was little my dad and i went to brush our teeth. But as soon as he put his toothbrush in his mouth, he grimaced and immediately spat it out. He picked up the toothpaste and to his surprise, he had accidentally used Nair instead of the Colgate.

We laugh about it to this day. Nair is hair removal cream. Ooh, look at that fishy paste in your mouth. Is it fishy? Oh God. Oh God, fuck, fuck. Is it fishy? Oh, God. Oh, God. Fuck. Fuck.

She's going to... Oh, God. She's going to blow. Fuck. Oh. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Have you got sensitive cat grief? Oh, God. I can't even think about it. I can't even say it. Is it fishy? Oh, God. Fuck. Is it? You tear a movie. I never put it in my it. I can't even say it. Is it fishy? Oh, God. Is it? Have you used hair removal cream?

I've never put it in my mouth. Oh, no. Oh, no. Wow, I didn't know you had such a... Oh, God. I didn't know it'd be such a trigger for you. No. Who knew?

That's such a thick cream. To put in your mouth. Fuck. Fuck. I'm sweating. I'm actually full-blown sweating. That's such a thick cream to put in your mouth. Fuck! Fuck! I'm sweating. I'm actually full blown sweating. Fuck. Oh God, that is so thick.

Right, we're gonna have to move on, Alicia. God bless your God. Bob, how did he even get it off his teeth? It's so greasy. Right, we gotta move. Bob how did he even get it off his teeth it's so greasy right we've got to move fuck they're noisy I'm fully sweaty Renly's not us that's as bad as a finger in the belly button that is

oh god oh wow I hope he survived from that because I don't think I would have ever she says we laugh about it to this day, so he's still with us. I nearly vomited. God bless. God, I wish I could laugh. Wow.

Have you never used hair removal cream? Well, I've never put it in my mouth, but it's bad enough when you smell it, isn't it? It's quite like... Fishy. Burny, I would say. Like flesh burning. I think it's fish. It's not fishy.

It's like burning. Oh, no. I can't. I can't. We're going to have to move on. on okay let's have the second one all right i hope it's not as bad fuck this is from jade fingers crossed she says hi safina and emma back when i was around five my family visited a friend's house it was a lovely summer day so they put their paddling pool up for us my brother was potty training at the time and he took a massive poo in the paddling pool.

It was a floater. Our parents' friends hadn't realised so my dad grabbed their dog's pooper scooper, scooped it out and we carried on playing in the pool.

Makes me feel so sick thinking of it now. Oh, God. I don't know. I think putting air removal cream in your mouth is worse. How unhygienic

to carry on playing in the pool. Well, if it was solid I'd just flick over the neighbour's fence no you know when you're in a public pool and there's a poo in it

you have to evacuate the whole thing oh I know we had to have the swimmer yeah that wasn't a public pool that was in someone's garden

no but it's still the hygiene still applies disgusting I would just fling it over the neighbour's fence I'd just be like pop oh there you go

they'd be like is this human waste no it's not human waste it's a dog fucking massive dog shit crumbs that's disgusting but actually that's iconic i like that one that was the 90s for you no one cared about things like that no one did i'm guessing this was the 90s i spent many a time eating a kebab off the floor to be honest i don't think a poo in a pool is the the the my worries. Think about your immune system now. Rock solid. Yeah, exactly.

Solid as a rock. Let's have the final secret. Hi, Soph and Emma. I wanted to tell you the story about when my children made a get well soon card for my father-in-law. He was in hospital. So we asked my mother-in-law to look after my two boys so we could visit him. They made him a get well soon card. So she put it in an envelope and gave it to me when she dropped the kids home.

I took my boys up to the hospital the next day to deliver their card he thanked the boys opened the envelope and burst out laughing i was so confused what was he laughing at turns out my halloween obsessed three-year-old had raided my mother-in-law's craft drawers and found her halloween stamps the get well soon card was covered in tombstone stamps with the letters RIP on the top. Luckily, he found it very funny, as did the nurses. He's all better now and still has the card from Sammy in Hastings. That's absolutely adorable, isn't it? He's like, I'm not dying. I'm just in hospital having a routine procedure.

RIP. Do you know something I don't? Predict the... Yeah. Just in case you do go, it's a two in one. Yeah. It's either a get well soon or a RIP. Yeah, condolences.

Oh, that's adorable. I know. And still kept it to this day. Yeah. God love them. Creepy psychic kids. No, it's still with us. Yeah.

Yeah. Still with us to this day. It's still with us to this day. God bless it. Oh, thank God. We hope you're all having the best time celebrating today yeah and happy father's day to the daddies in the secret mum club and we'll be back as normal tomorrow so if you have any fun stories

or if you want to let us know your secrets drop us an email hello at secretmumpod.com or with secretmumpod on tiktok and instagram and we'll see you next time on the Secret Mum Club.