Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Effing And Jeffing

Episode Date: February 25, 2025

There’s some big swearing energy in the studio today, with not one but two secrets about swear words! Sophiena has been busy planning Renley’s first birthday, but there’s been a major change of plan. Meanwhile, Emma has persevered with Joseff's dummy, for the second time! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Do you? Some days I just feel really wriggly. If you feel the same, then why not join me in my podcast as I ask how are you? We find ways to figure out just how we're feeling also we're ready to face whatever the day throws at us. Join me in escaping the chaos and taking a moment for calm. So how are you? Come and join in wherever you get your podcasts. secrets because we all have secrets don't we we do and as we know sharing is caring you don't even have to tell us who you are you can give that to yourself you can be anonymous and all those secrets can be serious or silly all secrets are welcome in the secret mom club Can you tell it's a school holiday? So you're day two, mate. You okay, hun?

Really great. I'm actually really great. I'm actually having the time of my life. I love the school holidays. I know I say it all the time, but I live for these. I do love a school holiday. Can you call it a half term? It is called half term.

But it's not half of a term. Yeah. Is it? It's halfway through the term. February, Christmas to Easter. I thought half term was longer than any who before I make myself look like a dick. I thought half term was like because it's you're having half a term off. No. It's just the break in the half term. It's just the middle of the term I believe. I just say a week's holiday. My friend has a two week half term. What now? In this's holiday. My friend has a two week half term. What now?

In this one? Yeah. We have a two week though in October, does she have a two week in October? No. Is it October two week? It's normally a week, anywho. I think it basically takes the piss because they're just wish their kids at nursery

and they have no nursery for two weeks. I'm still on the fence about homeschooling. Are you thinking about it? Yeah. Moving to Texas and doing homeschooling. I'm moving to bloody New Zealand. They're saying Texas. They're saying Texas. They say Texas is Southampton. It doesn't sound as sexual, does it? I feel like Texas. Where are you from? I'm from Texas, Massachusetts. Yeah. Sorry if you're from Texas, Massachusetts, Because I absolutely just destroyed that. Texas, Massachusetts.

Is Texas in Massachusetts? No. Oh. There might be a place called that there. Texas, Massachusetts. If you're from there. Where is Texas then? Florida.

It's his own state. Oh, Texas is his own state. Right. Okay. Anyone from America? I'm really fucking sorry. Okay. My geography, clearly I never went to school. I relish in the school holidays a bit too much. Yeah. And the fact that I- I love them so much, I never went to school. I relish in the school holidays a bit too much. Yeah. And the fact that I love them so much I never go to school. I love them so much I never got any fucking education while I was there.

No, we're having a great week. Yeah. Everyone is on the up. Everyone is feeling better. We're absolutely L-I-V-I-N. Thriving. Thriving. We are full deep.

We've had some exciting shit though that's happened. Go on. Exciting to me, maybe not to you. We passed stage three of ice skating. Yeah, I saw the certificates on Instagram. Fuck me. What does stage three mean? Stage three means that she, well, they can both start doing shows. Disney on Ice. Stop it now. Disney on Ice, here I come. I really would like to put this out to ITV if we can do a minis, Dancing on Ice. Yes. And I would really like to put Dottie forward. Yeah.

Because that would just be a dream come true. Dancing on Ice kids. To be fair, if ITV are listening, I would actually like to do Dancing on Ice. Would you? Yeah. You first, then Dottie. Yeah. Yeah.

I think I would love that. Would you be good at that? I can skate. Listen, I'm not twirling, I'm going backwards, but I can do the bare minimums. Yeah. I can keep up and I can go would love that. Would you be good at that? I can skate. Listen, I'm not twirling, I'm going backwards, but I can do the bare minimums. I can keep up and I can go with some pace. I can cross my feet when I turn corners. Okay.

So you know, I don't wanna blow my own toot toot, but I'm all right. I'm all right on the ice. Pretty good. So ITV hit me up. So stage three means they can do shows. Yes, so we are literally next week going, she's going to her first show practice.

Do they have to audition? Yeah, no, I don't think they are. I think it's open to all that can just do it. It's the October show. Oh, wow. Oh my God, buckle the fuck up, we're going in. That's something to work towards. I'm obsessed with, the end of the year,

that's a long time. Sorry, just hit my mouth. Morpety top. Anywho, I'm obsessed with the dresses. I can't get enough of the outfits. They're too much. They're amazing. Although I do watch her and think, fuck me, she's freezing to death out there. Does she get cold?

But I bought her fleece lined dress and fleece lined leggings. Tights. Yeah. So thermal. And they wear gloves, don't they? Yeah, they do wear gloves. She does wear a coat, but she takes it on and off. But they're both doing really great. So they passed stage three. And this wear gloves, don't they? Yeah, they do wear gloves. She does wear a coat, but she takes it on and off. But they're both doing really great.

So they pass stage three. And this is, you know what, right? I feel like I am a little bit of a groundhog day. I do have the same boring shit to keep on repeat. Week in, week out. This is my whole entire life. That's my life. That's parent life.

This is parent life. I'm knees deep in washing. I'm not fucking staying on top of it. I was doing really well in 2025, cause I was like, bin the iron. I'm not ironing, I haven't got that back. Am I staying on top of it. I was doing really well in 2025, cause I was like, bin the iron. I'm not ironing, I haven't got that back. Am I staying on top of it? Are you steaming?

I am steaming. Steaming. I'm steaming, Monday mornings I'm steaming. I'm steaming every night. I'm steaming every day. You know what that means? Drunk. Yeah.

That's the whole point of the joke. Just ruin my joke. Oh, fuck me. I thought it was a Welsh thing. What, steaming? Do you know what? I actually do say something called it jobbies. Yes. I say jobbies all the time. In Scotland. Scotland. Yeah. Jobbies. So every time I say just got some jobbies to do, they're all laughing at me.

I think she's going to be pooing herself all day. I thought steaming was like a specifically Welsh phrase for drunk, but it's made it over to the border, is it? I think it's been quite a while. Oh, is it? Yeah. I've said steaming for, since I was steaming. Oh.

Back when you were a teenager. When I was a ute. Not a ute, no. Everyone said it when I went to uni in Cardiff and I was like, I haven't really heard that one before, but now it's quite like widespread. I had one glass of wine last night in the hotel and I'm obliterated. Obliterated. I was like, should we order some food? I need some food.

Obliterated. I really was. Is it obliterated? Obliterated. Obliterated. I had a glass of wine last night and it has absolutely no effect on me now because I'm hardcore. I like to have a glass. I like to have an alcoholic drink every night just to wind down. Have you been back on the wine since you've given birth? Yeah. Oh, see, I haven't. Basically the next day.

I had one at the live show that didn't even touch the size because I was so nervous. So nervous, yeah. They just, it wasn't taking any effect on me. No, I know. And then I had one glass of, because we're up, because it's school holidays, we're in London for four days. You've not been drinking then since? No.

No, I think it's out of fear. Of getting pregnant again? Nope. No, I think it's out of fear of getting pregnant again. Nope, no, not that. I don't know. Again, maybe because of the journey of runners, I've just been a little bit more, I don't know, a little bit more terrified. We're not really home drinkers anymore.

No. Actually, that's quite boring, isn't it really? No, I think it's actually very trendy to not drink alcohol. Is it? That's what the kids are doing. But I'm a millennial. Thank God the kids aren't drinking.

I'm a millennial and I'm not cool and I'm also a mom. I'm a mom and I need wine. Honestly, after I've done- Oh, it went down good. It does. After I've done bedtime every night, I just think, I need a little something. A little something. Are you having a little bit of choccy choccy with it?

I- Really push the button out. Sometimes I do have a bit of desert as well. Desert? Desert. What's desert? Dessert. Oh, dessert.

Yes. I'm off to the desert if you're going. The other day Stefan got a whole, we had like an eaten mess in the freezer from, I think someone got it for us when the babies were born. You know, you can like send meals to people, cook meals. And it was like an eaten mess for two. Quite a solid slab tray of eating mess. He went, I need to make room in the freezer for something else.

And this has been in a fridge, I'm taking it out. I said, there's no way you can defrost that. Who's going to eat it all? Because he's on a bloody diet all the time. I said, I'm not going to eat all that to myself. It'd be a waste if you defrost it now. Five minutes later, down the hatch. Up yours.

I ate the whole serving for two people. Yeah, he went, oh, you didn't have much trouble getting that down. I said, no, look, I'll just take one for the team because you needed space in the freezer. And you're on a diet. And you're on a diet. So someone's got to do it. Stefan actually let the team down.

No, I really stepped up there. You did. You upped your... Did you get your Joey pants on? Yeah, that's basically me every night. Get your eating pants on. Yeah, get my dessert, get my wine. I'm not on a...

You are living, aren't you? I'm not on a new year, new me, health flex. I'm just doing whatever I want. You just... I am at the point of my life where I'm just like, do You are living, aren't you? I'm not on a new year, new me, health flex. I'm just doing whatever I want. You just- I am at the point of my life where I'm just like, do you know what, fuck this. Life's too short. Life is too short.

Do you know what I mean? Just be happy. Have the wine. Who gives a shit? Have the chocolate. Yeah, as long as you're having everything in moderation. Try off a few steps. Yeah, get your 10K steps and you're done. That's what I do.

I haven't been walking much though, to be fair. I've been doing the school run with the music. Playing out loud. I don't think I've walked since that day. What a knob. I's what I do. I haven't been walking much though, to be fair. You've been doing the score while I'm with the music, playing out loud. I don't think I've walked since that day. What a knob. I still can't believe I did that. Every time I drive past that patch of road, I think. Yeah, you get a bit of trauma.

I get to that point where the woman stopped me and I just think, fuck. I walked this whole way and I had the music. With black eyed peas on loud. Horse Lily Allen. Sun is in the sky, oh my oh why I don't wanna be anywhere else. Excuse me, excuse me, yeah we can all hear that. I'm glad you noticed and turned it off.

Oh damn. So no, life is good at the moment. We're just pondering along. I do have a lot going on, but we have finally sorted Renly's birthday. Oh, you've finished. That's pretty huge. Finished.

Yeah, finished. We're not having a party. You're joking. I'm not joking. You are joking. No, I'm not having a party. All the stuff you ordered, all the elemental stuff. Hold the fuck up.

I'm furious. Taking everyone away. Could I say? You can. You've booked something. I have booked somewhere. We're going to the same place. We are. But not at the same time. Ten days apart. Sadly. You can I say you can you've booked something I have booked somewhere we're going to the

same place we are not the same time days apart sadly I was so devoid I was like I think Emma's the same time can you imagine if we were there the same time hang on which one we're going to Longleat Longleat Centre Park yeah oh so you're going away instead of doing a party do you know what I thought right right? Everything accumulated along with the venue was working out to be more expensive than me to take my whole family of 15. Actually, no, that's incorrect. I'm 13 because my brother.

You're taking everyone. And his wife can't make it there on holiday. So I'm taking. Who's on holiday? Don't go there. They're all away. They're no children. They're carefree and fancy free.

What's it called? Do, Dinkies. That's the thing. That's what they're carefree and fancy free. What's it called? Loose. Dinkies. That's the thing. That's what they're called, dinkies. Dual income, no kids yet. It means you've got two people earning, no kids. They are, they're living.

Dinkies. Yeah, so we are taking everybody away for three nights, two centre parks, to celebrate Mr. Rendley's birthday. That'll be amazing. I'm gassed. Are you? I won't lie.

Are you all staying in the same place? Got two cabins next door to each other What the fuck? Yeah, how can that even happen? So yeah, and we're gonna book loads of activities and we're just gonna all be together and celebrate his little life turning one With all of our favorite people minus two in one place. Oh That'll be great. I'm so we've been to long leak quite a lot, but Chris has never been. And Colby and Dotts, I've been loads when I was little growing up. Cause that was your nearest one.

That is our nearest one, but I've never taken Colby and Dotts. I know. We're also gonna do Longleat Safari while we're there. We're doing Longleat Safari on the Monday when we leave. Yes. Nice. Oh, that'll be amazing.

Yeah, and I love a centre park. So yeah, we've done that. Which is a massive tick off of the list. Yeah. So I'm excited. That'll be really good. And do you know what? I think what would be great for me is I'll be able is a massive tick off of the list. Yeah. So I'm excited. That would be really good. And you know what, I think what would be great for me is I'll be able to enjoy it this year without the fear of going into labor.

Going into birth. Going into birth. I'm going into birth. I'm going into battle. I'm going into Centibarx to birth. I couldn't believe how many activities, not an ad, but there's so many baby things to do. Yeah. So there's so many things that we can do.

And I thought while the little ones do, because there's some ones, I think that go out of, correct me if I'm wrong, some activities go up to nine. And then I thought while the little ones are doing the up to nine year old activity, the big ones can go off and do the climb the trees. Yeah. Little boats, there's tiny little boats as well. There's so much to do. Yeah.

So yeah, that is what we're doing. That'll be fun. I did slightly want the tree houses, but they're booked out till 2032. Okay, we'll book that for the babies 18th. Yeah, yeah, I think that may be great. Because if you come back, manage to bag yourself a tree house at the centre parks, I need to know how. Yeah, how do you do it? It's like getting to Glastonbury. Yeah, I think you're right. You know? Honestly, get yourself on that wait list.

Again, we're going to war if you wanna get a tree house at Senate Parks, we are going elbow to elbow, shoulder to shoulder, I'll take anyone down. Listen, if you're in them and I see you, I'll be bundling you down, let me in! No way, but if you are in there, hook me up. Yeah. But yeah, that's exciting, I cannot,

can you tell how excited I am? Oh, that's exciting, But the party's totally off? The party's, well, we're not. Well, maybe do it on a smaller scale. Just do a little one. We are, but I'm taking everything to Centre Park. Oh, you're doing it there? Yeah. So I'm going to have everything there. So my dad, bless his heart, this is going to be like a military operation. So my dad has booked the whole weekend off and didn't, I didn't even ask him to, but he was like, oh, I thought it would just help you.

So I've booked the Friday and the Monday off. I was like, dad't I'll cry I'm a fragile steak dad. So me and my dad are going to go and get some food from Costco in the morning then we're going to go and pick the cake up. My dad's going to take all the cake and everything down in the van and any of the party bits like we've got a little ball pit, we've got a few little props for the party, we've bought Renly a little trike because I'm not, I took your advice, alright, hear me out, I took your advice, I'm not going birthday presents. Yeah, not too many. So I bought him a trike.

Yeah, just one thing. That's all I've got, it's got him a trike, and I've got him some balloons, some little light up balloons, so the theme is still elemental, we're just not doing it at home. Okay. We're going to take all the bits that we have. You've actually made it more extra by doing it on holiday. Way more extra. Yeah.

Yeah. But you know, I'm a boozy bitch. Boozy, boozy. And boozy now that you're on the line. That glass of wine last night. Just back on the line. Fuck me up. So no, I'm great at the moment. Good. I feel like I'm busy. Yeah, but good. Busy, busy. But yeah. How are you? We're all right. We've had a huge momentous, I don't know if I should talk about this on the podcast or not, we've had a huge momentous week in our house. Well, a couple of weeks actually. We have got rid of the D. The dick? The dummy.

Oh shit. Okay. Sorry, Stefan. She got rid of that dick. You MMY is what we have to call it around Joseph because he knows what we're saying now. We've got rid of the dummy. Shit. Shit. Huge. For Joseph? Yeah.

Not Sadie. Oh, not for me or Stefan. We're cool. Oh, good. We're cool without a dummy now. 36 and 37. You got rid of the dick. Yeah, I don't need that either.

Isn't it wild that Stefan and you are the same age as me and Chris? 36 and 37. So when's Stefan's birthday? I meant to ask you this year. June. Oh, okay. When's Chris? December.

December, but he's 37, I'm 36. Yeah, so Chris is older than, a bit younger than Stefan. Yes, six months younger. Yeah, six months younger. Yeah, no, I used him being three as like a transition period. Cause I was like, if we just say we're getting rid of the dummy, he's not gonna accept that.

He's gonna be like, why the hell are we getting rid of it? But I was like, now you're three. I was like, you're a big boy and you don't need a dummy anymore it's been quite hard but better than I thought actually he's asked me for it but when I say we haven't got it anymore he kind of just accepts it and he's just been like I never thought I'd see the day he's just been going to sleep without it. Do you ever just sit some days and just baffled by how this tiny human just absorbs everything? Like how they just take it in and then how they just suddenly like they'll accept things

or they'll have a like the full what blows my mind is when you have a full blown conversation with the tiny human that was in your tummy then they came out they were so little you wipe their bum then they're pooing by themselves then they're having full. And you don't even have the radio one in the car sometimes, and you're like fucking literally having a full blown conversation. You know what, I love just going in the car somewhere now with me and Joseph, because it's a time when like we just have, there's like no distractions, and he literally just has like a full conversation with me. This is what I mean.

And the stuff he comes out with, he's so observant, like he remembers everything, it's wild. Yeah. That's true. Yeah. These children don't forget. Yeah. They- Am, it's wild. Yeah. That's true. Yeah. These children don't forget. Yeah. They-

I'm a drug dealer. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Last, yeah, listen to the last episode. But yeah, he's taken to it like so much better than I thought actually. He has said some hilarious things, like I was like, look, you got brought all these lovely new presents on your birthday in exchange for...

Your dummy. Your dummy, so... The UMNY. I've said the dummy fairy's taken it now, but look at all these lovely presents you got in return. And when he asked me where the dummy is, and I say, remember the dummy fairy's got it now, the other night he said to me,

I wanna fight the fairy. For my dummy back. I wanna fight that bitch. Cause I want my dummy and I will win. Yeah, that made me laugh. But yeah, no, he's doing all right without it. And he's sleeping through the night now. We had like three, two or three nights where he woke up and asked for it.

But I've, I might've made a run for my own back, but I've substituted the dummy now with a quick back tickle. And then he goes back to sleep. Nice, love that. So I feel like once we phase that out, that's really fucking hard to get rid of that. I would say Colby's eight and still loves the back tickle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's a hard one to break.

Cause you can't chop your hand off. No. The dummy, you can take that away. My friend was saying she needs to get her son stuck in his thumb. And I was like, that's impossible because with a dummy, obviously, you can actually take it away. I've had to hide it somewhere in the house just in case I do need it for an emergency.

Um, but yeah, how'd you take someone's, you can't take a baby's thumb away. That's tough. You have to tell them to stop sucking their thumb. I don't, I don't, none of mine have been. Thumb suckers. Thumb suckers. Thumb suckers. Thumb suckers.

Thumb fuckers. Pardon? Thumb fuckers? Thumb suckers. What? Thumb, thumb, thumb. Thumb suckers. Thumb suckers. Thumb suckers. Thumb fuckers. Pardon? Thumb fuckers? Thumb suckers. What? Thumb, thumb, thumb suckers. Thumb suckers. Fuck, that's really, that's a real teak-teak.

It is, yeah. What? Try saying that with a thumb. Am I okay? I don't think I'm all right. Thumb suckers. But no, he's doing well and he's started sleeping through and we're not going in, scrubbing around in the middle of the night now trying to find the dummy.

That was the worst thing. Do you know what I found as well well is the dumb when we took the dummy away was always a good time to take it away It's when they got a cold because they can't hold it in the mouth because they're so nice. Yeah Yeah, well, I think I think we might have done it guys go on round two Because obviously we got rid of it initially when we were potty training Literally you tried to do two things in one go Well, it wasn't my fault He got rid of all his dummies by chewing through the teats. And I was like, well, here's my opportunity.

And then obviously we were like, potty training's savage. Let's bring back the dummy because we're going to lose our fucking minds. And now we're- Round two. Now round two. Yeah, second time lucky. And he's smashing it.

He's doing really well. And this is what, sometimes you just got to trust your gut. Like the moment will come, it may take longer than other children, it may not take as long, but I feel like you get to that point where you kinda just know. Or sometimes it just happens without you even realizing.

Well, he would have had it until he was probably 16, but I thought the third birthday is a good thing, a good excuse. It's a good reason to say, like, this is why we're doing this now. And he's really like placed a lot of importance on being three, I think, because we've said that so he always says now like oh I don't have that now because I'm three and I'm a big boy so he's like he's taking it on. Three's a huge age.

Three's big. Three's massive. I don't want to make him think that he's like all big and he's got to be two grown up now but also. What age do they not be toddlers anymore? Three. I think so. They're actually a fully grown child. Yeah they're bowling around now. They're not toddling anymore. No, someone did ask me the other day how old Renly he's living. I don't know how old he is. He's nearly one. He's nearly one. He's nearly one. Yeah, but it's literally people are so I'm like, he's growing. Yeah, he's still there. It's because he's doing so much. Well, no, I just don't remember the the actual the months. So much easier when it's one, two, three, four, five. When it's months, you're like 365 days.

Yeah. Two weeks, four hours, one minute, and a second. Yeah. Two seconds. You're into the months next. You've got to do, you're 18 months, you're 24 months. No, just say, can you not just say one? Yeah, because between one and two,

there's such a big range, isn't there? You've got to do, he's 15 months. One and a half. Yeah. Nearly two. One, one and a half, nearly two, two. Just over two. When they're one, I just go, oh, it's nearly two. Yeah. Bloody oh, he's small. My mum's been doing that my whole life, wishing my life away. Like I turned 30, she'd be like, nearly 31. I'm like, no I'm not, I've just turned 30. Yeah, stop it. You cheeky sausage. Stop it, Nick. Emma and I really want to hear from you. Yeah, we want you to join us in the Secret Mum Club. You're all welcome.

You can share your secrets with us, respond to what we've been talking about or just say, Hello. You can find us on TikTok and Instagram. Just search for Secret Mum Pod or you can email us hello at secretmumpod.com. I've been dying to do that bit. You always mouth it. I always mouth it. Yeah. I try to put you off. I let you have it. Secretmumpod.com. I've been dying to do that bit. You always mouth it. I always mouth it. I try to put you off. I let you have it. Secretmumpod.com

FanDuel Casino Daily Jackpots guaranteed to hit by 11 p.m. with your chance at the number one feeling. Winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Daily Jackpots, a chance to win with every spinner and a guaranteed winner by 11pm every day. Hi, I'm Evie. Some days I wake up feeling a little bit worried. To you. Some days I just feel really wriggly. If you feel the same, then why not join me in my podcast as I ask, how are you?

We find ways to figure out just how we're feeling. Also, we're ready to face whatever the day throws at us. Join me in escaping the chaos and taking a moment for calm. So, how are you? Come and join in wherever you get your podcasts. It's time for another correspondence corner. I'm actually fucking terrified to look at this. There's a picture on this. There is a picture and I peeked at it early and I peeked too soon. Oh, don't look. Fudge me.

Right. Okay. Oh my Christ. Are you ready? No, I'm not. Right, take it away. This is, hi ladies. Hearing about the toddler smearing pseudo cream everywhere reminded me of a story of my then two year old.

We had just moved and my son decided he could open a sealed pot of blue paint. What? They're hard to open as well. And decorated the sofa floor and himself. Anonymous. Look at this picture. Are you ready? 3, 2, 1. It's going to send shivers down your spine. Fuck me. Oh, there he is.

How bad is that? He's there. Can you see him as well? Oh, God bless his heart. He is covered. Right. What job can you get him in? Because that Durex is hard isn't it? Durex? The paint. Dulux. Right okay. Lube on the brain. Durex, Dulux. A jar of paint is really a jar of paint I can't even get in a jar of paint I have to get a screwdriver and bam bam bam. And a knife. That's really hard. Holy smokes. What did you do? Oh my god. Look at everything that's got. Look at the sofas.

I think there's an iPad on the floor. Stop. A tablet. It's an Amazon fire tab. Amazon fire. The Buzz Lightyear's there. Look at the sunglasses. The dinosaur. Fuck. I would die. Look at the sunglasses! The dinosaur! Fuck! I would die!

Oh at least Buzz survived! Buzz is unscathed! He's made sure his toys are alright because the dinosaur is alright as well but the sofa and the floor Holy hell! I need to know if you're okay! Look at his face! Look at his legs!

I think he's taking his shorts off in the act. It looks like he's actually just jumped into the bottom paint, doesn't it? Like a slip and slide. What is one of them like the running, you know, when you run on the... He has dipped his whole body in apart from his shoulders. Oh my God. I love that he's hiding as well. Is he hiding in the cupboard?

Yeah, I think so. Yeah, he is. Yeah. I think he's in a cupboard? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, he is. Yeah. I think he's in a cupboard. Wow. Oh my God. You're a braver woman than me. How are you getting that off? Get him in the white spirit. Yeah. I don't even know. Did you have to get rid of the sofa? I'm so...

Oh my gosh, I'm so sad for you. I am as well. That is too much. There's no getting all that off the sofa. He definitely, from the looks of his body, has been rolling around on that floor. I think he knows that he's done something very naughty. 10-10 forever. Wow.

So you can get in touch with us on anything at all. Yeah, it can be serious or silly, and you can be totally anonymous. Because between us, we've probably heard it all before. And remember, We're all in this together And we know that we are, we're all stars and we see that. When I say we're all in this together, we're not with the paint. OK, you're on your own with that one, I'm afraid.

I don't want to be a part of any of this. It's not for me. I'm out. OK, I'll wait in the car. Right. Seen as we love sharing our secrets. Yeah. Here is my secret of the week. It's not really that much of a wild one this week, but it's something that tickles me very much so. We have a one word in our house and again, a bit like the drug dealer episode. So if you haven't heard that episode, please go back and listen. It's that one word that you introduce

and you think at the time it's really hilarious, when you're out on the streets not so funny. So there's one word that Renlee absolutely loves but you have to say it with not only a bit of force but you also have to say it quite loud, aggressive maybe. So the word that Renlee laughs his head off at is the word pussy. Right? Okay. So hear me out. You can't just say pussy. You've got to go pussy. Okay. When you're out in the streets and the children go, come here you pussy hole. Sometimes they had a hole on the end. It's never not funny. But it makes him laugh so much. And the only word really that will ever calm him down is the word pussy. Wow. And he really likes a pussy hole as well. Like when you can really come in with some force with a pussy hole. He loves that. What context are the kids using it in? Like they're not using it in a sentence, they're just saying

it. They'll jump around the corner and go, hello little one, how you doing? Pussy hole. Oh, just to make him laugh. Yeah. Just out just out. Some people play peek-a-boo we play pussy hole. Just a pussy hole around the house. Oh I see you pussy hole. It's when you're out and about or you're in front of your family and you're like oh look at this this really makes him laugh and you forget. Yes. Not my whole family have my Hugh make it out. My dad, my sister, they're there. My mom, not so much. She's not one for the, she's the one that's like, stop swearing so much. Fuck, I can't.

Fuck off, Suzanne. Fuck's sake. Shit bum willy cakes, asshole's tits. God, but my mom doesn't take kindly to a tool word. My dad, on the other hand, loves it. I don't like the word pussy for vagina though. I would never say it for my fufu. No.

Pussy, it's when you have to explain like why a pussy is a pussy. So like when we're driving down the road, Dottie will just be like, pussy in the back of the car. Pussy hole to Renly, cause they're having a lovely time. And then she just goes,

what is a pussy? And I'm like, oh, it's a pussy cat. Yeah. She's like, why? Why is it called a pussy cat and not just a cat? You know, in their moments where you try so hard not to laugh because it's hilarious when they swear. I find it so funny. Like when they're like, fuck. Yeah. And you're like, you can't laugh. Yeah What is a pussy? It's a yes. Just all she'll go up to a couch go. Hello. You cute little pussy I find it so funny So that is our word of the week at the moment I feel like we should have a secret the week word of the week. Yeah pussy swear of the week swear the way We do have a lot of swearing in the house. We had a mishap the other day where Colby shouted

fuck you to his PlayStation game to which I was in the bedroom and Chris had to tell him off and I was in the bedroom like. I mean Chris was telling him off like what have you just said up there? I can imagine Colby was upstairs. I can imagine his face like, I'm really sorry I got so angry at my great game and Chris was like, you don't ever say that word. Don't ever say that ever again. Turn that PlayStation off. I went in the bedroom like, got a pussy. Got a pussy all. I shouldn't laugh. I know. I know it's really bad and I know Shink can don't swear. But it was the fact that he was really angry and he was like, fuck you at

his game. Honestly, I was crying. I heard it in the kitchen. It was that loud. Colby's over there laughing. From the loft. Yeah, he's in the loft. So funny. So funny. So no funny words in our house. I know they're bad and I shouldn't promote it. Well, are they bad or is that just what society has led us to believe? Society tells us it's a bad word. It feels great. I mean, I'm not working out the word. Yeah, the C. That has to be beeped in the last episode. I love the C bum, do you? You say it as much as you like. Might as well beep it out.

I'll beep, beep, beep, beep. She's got to beep out that asshole's tits. So yeah, swear words in the house are, I do find them hilarious. He's probably listened to the podcast and heard you say, from the top. Make it drop. That's some wet airs. Pussy! Pussy! So that is my secret of the week that we're very much a swearing household.

Colby took the trophy of being the worst swear word that he could ever say to his PlayStation game as well. Can't wait for Renly's first word to be pussy. Pussy or fuck you! Fuck you! It was just so funny honestly and then Chris telling them off. There's just something so funny about the dad telling off. Like, so I find it funny, like when I'm in the midst of it and I've got to tell them off. Yeah. Because it's me, I don't find it

funny. Yeah. But when you got to hear Chris tell off and Chris is not really someone that ever gets angry. So I can't imagine him telling the children off. That's funny in its own right. It is funny in its own right. Honestly, it's hilarious. Tickles me, it does. So that is my secret of the week. We're very much promoting swearing in our house. Yay, go us. Parenting 101.

Again, take no advice from this podcast. No medical advice, no parenting advice, zero. Don't take any. So anywho, moving on, we've got three secrets we're gonna be discussing this week. So Emma, do you wanna take it away with secret number one? This one says, hello, my secret is that I've always sworn in front of my little girl. What the fuck? Stop it. They're reading our minds.

That happened last week with the drug dealer. With the drugs as well. What? I know. Oh my God. Psychic. She says, I've always sworn in front of my little girl under the impression that she will get used to naughty words and not have the urge to say them. Which is why we do it. Yeah. However, this seriously backfired this weekend when she randomly laughed and told her dad to fuck off.

Mortifying and absolutely hilarious at the same time. Fingers crossed I don't mess the second one up too because I'm currently 11 weeks pregnant. Congratulations. Thanks, Jessica. 11 weeks pregnant. Congratulations. Thanks, Jessica. Congratulations. Listen, I don't think you've messed up. I think iconic. Funny. And do you know what? Right. I was very much exposed to swearing. My dad is a swearing. So I was exposed to it at a young age. But when I went to school, it's secondary school and the children, it was honestly like, I can't even explain it, it was mad. Because children obviously never been exposed to swearing.

Every other word was fuck. You just walk around all these children like fuck you mate, fuck, alright mate, let's get a fucking sausage roll, fuck, fuck. I used to be like, what the fuck is going on here? Because I didn't feel the need to say it. It would be really interesting if everyone was brought up with it being normal. Yes. Because I remember that, the people saying it when you're younger, in the playground or whatever, you'd be like, because you're not really allowed to do it at home, so you'd be like, oh, I'm going to... And I know there's parents that say they don't want to swear around their children,

but I always find, no offence to anybody that doesn't swear around their children, but I always find it's the parents that don't swear, the children are the worst swearers, because they're just not exposed to it. Yeah. So yeah, I... that swear around the children, but I always find it's the parents that don't swear. The children are the worst swearers because they're just not exposed to it. So yeah, I'm- Is that when you're not allowed something, you wanna do it more? I'm team swearer.

I'm team down with the swearer because it is funny when it does- Team fuck. Team fuck. Team pussyhole. That's not really swearing, is it? I don't use the big ones around them. No, the fuck is pretty big to me.

The only one you're not using is the C, isn't it? Yeah, see you next Tuesday, that's a big one. I would never have been allowed to say the F word when I was younger. You said fart and that was swearing. Exactly. We weren't allowed to say anything really. Even now.

To be fair, I don't think we were allowed, but I just did. Yeah. Do what you want. I don't remember the first time I did swear. I probably do. And then my mom was like, oh, it's a female. I don't remember the first time I did swear. I probably do. And then my mom was like, oh, Safina. I don't really remember like being caught out for it.

But I remember- I did, I swore on that. Oh yeah, on the video with your middle fingers up. I remember like saying it in front of my parents as an adult for the first time and being like, that kind of feels a bit weird. There's got to be some funny stories of people that have sworn for the first time.

Yeah. In front of their parents. I don't want to know the reactions. Yes. If you're from a non-swearing household, even if you're like 25, your parents are like, people that have sworn for the first time in front of their parents. I don't want to know the reactions. Yes! If you're from a non-swearing household, even if you're like 25, your parents are like, excuse me. Or can we hear, is there any parents that have said not to swear around their children and any time that they fall in that the children have sworn?

Yeah. Or swear words that you use in place of swear words. My parents would always try not to swear in front of us, but they'd be, mama would be like, oh sugar sticks or whatever. Like, you know, something instead of a swear. Always funny. Always funny. So funny. So thank you, Jessica.

Thank you so very much. Fandool Casino Daily Jackpots, guaranteed to hit by 11 p.m. with your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Daily Jackpots, a chance to win with every spin and a guaranteed winner by 11 p.m. every day. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario.

Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Select games only. Guarantee void if platform or game outages occur. Guarantee requires played by at least one customer until jackpot is awarded or 11pm eastern research and supply see full terms at canada.casino.fando.com please play responsibly Hi, I'm Evie. Some days I wake up feeling a little bit worried. To you. Some days I just feel really wriggly. If you feel the same, then why not join me in my podcast as I ask, how are you?

We find ways to figure out just how we're feeling. Also, we're ready to face whatever the day throws at us. Join me in escaping the chaos and taking a moment for calm. So, how are you? Come and join in wherever you get your podcasts. Should we take it over to number two? Yeah. It says, hi, Sophie and Emma. My sister had my sweet nephew two months ago. He's had the hardest time with reflux, projectile vomiting like the exorcist, and was just diagnosed

with CMPA, cow's milk protein allergy. He's on the right track now with the right meds and formula, but my sister is struggling mentally and I don't know what I can do to help. I feel like there's nothing I can do to help make it any easier. What can I do to best support my sister while she is in the trenches of this? Love you ladies and appreciate you so much. Love from Robin." Oh, I see. I was her sister. Yeah. So I wasn't Robin, I was her sister. Yeah.

And generally I shut everybody out. I didn't take any help from anybody. And looking back- With Colby. With Colby, yeah, this was Colby. So looking back now, I obviously regret that, but I think when you're in the midst of it, in the trenches of it, you don't actually realize how lost you are in that moment.

So I completely, Robin is Roxanne, you know, they were the outsiders looking in. And Roxanne tried to the best of her abilities to help. But I think now looking back and being that I'm on this side of it, and if I was now going through this with Roxanne or with somebody else, my advice would be to just, just be there. It doesn't matter if you are not able to hold the baby. It doesn't matter if your sister's not taking a bath. Just be there. Just be in the room, be around and just, I needed someone and Roxanne was very good at it and my mum, bless her heart, maybe not so good at it because my mum just wanted to, just to take it all away. My mum just wanted to make it better.

So in fact, sometimes my mum would do stuff or offer some help in my head and in that space of the moment, it was just too much for me. Hence why I just ended up shutting everybody out. But I would just say to just be there, just sit in the room. You don't have to have any conversation, put the kettle on, make a cup of tea, put it on the side, make her a sandwich,

maybe buy her a sandwich, but just have it there. Sometimes just sitting in silence, having somebody there, I think is what helped. I didn't need anybody to offer because I think in my mind, I felt like I was not coping and I felt like people thought I wasn't coping. So I just needed everybody to just be normal. Yeah, just come around, be normal and carry on.

Like, it's OK that he's vomiting and throwing up. Yeah, I got this. Yeah, I got this. Yeah. Not to say, oh, would you like me to do this or would you like me to do that? I just needed everyone to just carry on. I remember you saying like, it can be hard for other people to be like, oh, let me hold the baby for a bit because they might be like sick on them or... And I was really embarrassed. I used to get really, really embarrassed and say, oh, I was so sorry if he's sick on you. And he was on a, which probably Robin's sister is on,

a hypoallergenic milk because Colby was the MPA. And he was on neocate, which is a hypoallergenic milk. It literally stinks of battery acid. It tastes as bad as it smells. It's vile, it's horrendous. Colby had no problems, drank it, no issues. But there was occasions where he would bring that up. I was just so embarrassed. But you got nothing to be embarrassed of. And everybody was aware, all my family were aware.

So yeah, I would just be there to just be a silent help. Support, yeah. Because I would then say, if no one spoke to me, I'd be like, oh, he's gone to sleep. Do you mind just rocking him in the pram while I just have a quick shower? And then I felt more in control of the situation. So not to raise any awareness to the fact

that he was throwing up or he was crying. If Colby would scream, my sister would just try and talk, carry on talking over him rather than stopping and making. Making a thing of it. Yeah. Yes. And I think when it's not as close as your sister as well or your mom, hopefully, I mean, it sounds like you've got a really good relationship, Robin.

So hopefully she won't be embarrassed about that stuff in front of you. I agree. Yeah, we'll be happy to have you there as a support. Yes, offering like a walk, anything like, oh, should we go out for a walk today? Just the things to not draw attention to the fact that he is being sick or he is struggling or uncomfortable,

just doing the things that are just, you would do with the normal. All the normal things. Yeah, all the normal things you would do with your sister. But I'm sorry, it is a really hard journey and please pass on our love to your sister because I'm here living proof that it does get easier. But this journey is long, it's hard, it's wild,

it's a really, really tough one. Probably the hardest one that I went through with all three. It's so funny, because I hear about CMPA all the time and I think it's like it's quite common or it's at least quite common for babies to get tested for it and you kind of think like it's really common, it probably doesn't make that much of a difference but actually having a baby with those kind of extra complications it must be like quite difficult to like maybe not be able to leave the house or feel like you can't do certain things.

It's really lonely, it's a really lonely journey. Plus when they literally scream. Colby used to scream for 17 hours a day. He used to scream in the pram, scream in the car, scream being held, scream after his bottle, scream before his bottle. There was never a moment where he just didn't stop screaming. He was in agony all the time. So it's tiring. It's long and it's tiring. It must make things really hard. And you don't feel like there's any end to it. But it sounds like he's on the right... I love that Robin's very...

She's very aware of that. Yeah. And it sounds like he's on the right support now. So that's good. All right. Thank you. Right. Let's have the last secret of the week. This one says, hello, Safina and Emma, listening to you talk about bum trumpets made me think of a funny but embarrassing situation in Lidl not long ago.

Oh my gosh, please tell me you farted in the store. My three year old Scarlett is full of character and so cheeky with no filter, her mother's daughter for sure. It was peak time at the supermarket when about halfway round I had the dreaded belly gargle and the twang of pain in my belly. I thought, oh shit, I need to fart. Scarlett was a little behind me, following along with her little trolley and was happy as Larry.

Please don't tell me she's going to blame the baby. I found a slightly secluded area and decided to let loose. Little did I know, Scarlett had come right behind me and ended up in the danger zone. I had farted right in her face. Oh my Christ! It absolutely stunk and Scarlett shouted, Oh God, mummy, you farted right in my nose and proceeded to hold her nose and shout at the top of her lungs, my mummy farted and it really smells.

Trying not to let the ground swallow me whole as everyone in Liddle knew I'd let one rip, I politely said to her, sorry darling, I didn't realize you were behind me. I would have still denied all knowledge. I would have been like, it wasn Yeah, what? It was you. It wasn't me. It was you, you stinky little.

Let's get out of this stinky aisle. We finished shopping and got to the checkout. All was good until she said to the cashier, hello, my mummy farted in my face. My mummy farted in my face near the sweeties, but it's okay. Mummy said sorry and brought me chocolate. The cashier, shocked, looked at me and said, Oh, well better out than in. To which I nervously laughed, packed up quick and got out of there. She reminds me every time we go to Lidl not to fart in her face. Love from Belle.

I would never go to the same Lidl again. You got to go back to your local supermarket. When I fart in an aisle, I always go, Oh, come on, quick, let's get out of here. Someone's had farted in this aisle. Stinks. Or I say to Colby, have you just farted? Yeah, Colby. Jesus Christ, maybe he didn't know that you let it out. Always blame the children. I can't tell you how many times I've had to fart out in public. Oh yeah, of course. So many times. You've got to let that baby loose.

Nothing worse than when you think you're safe though and you're not. And also I'm dreading getting to the point where my kids can call me out because at the moment they wouldn't. Scarlett's all over that. Scarlett, she's three actually. So I might be in the danger zone with Joseph soon. You might be in the danger zone. She and as well farted right in her face. Yeah.

Yeah, but the problem is, is they run into the back of your legs, don't they? They're never far away. Does Joseph ever do that? He doesn't leave. When you're running around and they're running around the supermarket, they just plow their head right into your bum crack.

And you're like, well, you put your head in my ass. Yeah, he doesn't get far enough away. He's always got his head in my, or when they, Renly does it at the moment where he just puts his head and then he comes like through my legs. He's like, hey, you know, when they hold it to you. Here's Johnny. Yeah, they're always up in your space, aren't they? Oh my gosh. Love that though. But yeah. Thank you, Belle. I love the lady at the checkout as well.

Yeah. Better out than in. She took it well. I love that she's gone, she want me chocolates. Yeah. To say sorry. If in doubt Belle, buy them chocolates. Always good. Would you do a fart gift? I don't think I ever have to buy a gift. Always good to bribe someone to buy their silence. Yeah, I don't ever buy a gift. I just blame the children. I blame somebody else. I don't think I've ever, have you ever had a loud one out? Colby's had a few when we'd be walking along and it'd be like... Yeah, sometimes they take you by surprise, don't they? You think it's going to be silent and then suddenly you're like, oh, Oh my God, did you see that video that's been circling on social media

where the lady answers the door and the ring your doorbell? Yes! And she's like, I'm sorry, I would love to. With the baby. I just spat on you that I'm the baby. The baby poonami. Yeah. And she says, I would love to stop, but I think I'm going to have to sort this out. Yeah. She's so polite though. She's chatting to the lady at the door. She's like, sorry, just excuse me for a moment. The kid's like, shot all up the back. It was so bad. And she just holds

the baby. She's like, sorry, I'm going to have to, I think I'm going to have to go and sort this out. But in that moment, what are the chances of you opening the front door and she just takes a massive boob. They always do it at the most inopportune moments. I mean, we caught some of Sadie on camera right here. Didn't we? Yes, we did.

A couple. And when William and Jordan were here, didn't we get one when they were here? I don't know. That would have really freaked William out though. He'd had enough with the breastfeeding. But imagine opening the front door, holding your baby and then had enough with the breastfeeding. But imagine opening the front door holding your baby and then they just take the biggest poo. You just knew that was going to be such a wet yellow up the vest in the bin. You know when it's creeping

out of the nappy. Yeah. But that was that's basically like that isn't it? Yeah. She apologized to the person at the door didn't she? I'm so sorry about my baby. Oh, I don't know if I do a fart gift though. Oh yeah, I'd buy it. I'd buy their silence. You ran into my butt cheeks. So technically you're at fault here. Mama had some gas. No, whenever I want Joseph to do anything

or I want to like buy his compliance, I buy him a new toy. Do you? Yeah, I can't really say. You don't buy him gifts at Christmas, but you buy him brav toys. That's why I don't need to do Christmas and birthdays because he gets so much shit throughout

the year. We were just in like the checkout with W. H. Smith the other day and he's like, can I have this disgusting squishy dinosaur for £2? And I was like, you've been really good today. Yeah. All right. Chuck it in. Those don't ever treat you.

£2. Can I get a magazine? Yes, £7. The inflation on magazines? What the fuck? £7.99 for a load of plastic tat. I swear they were £2.99 on me too. I go, yes, you absolutely can. Put it in the trolley. Get inflation on magazines. Yeah. What the fuck? 7.99 for a load of plastic tat. What?

I swear they were 2.99 on YouTube. I'll go, yes, you absolutely can. Put it in the trolley. Get us two. Fuck it. Get one for your little brother as well. He can't read me. Yes, go on. 15.99 on three magazines. Obscene. You haven't allowed. Obscene. Stefan's the worst, honestly. He's... What, does he collect model airplanes? There are a lot, aren't they? 32.99. Oh, he does. Loves it.

No I meant for the kids. I thought he was building like one. I wouldn't put it past him though he does love little bit of a model airplanes. No where they paint like the models. Warhammer. Do you know we've got a Warhammer. He'd be proud of me for saying that he's like he's like no shame. We've got a Warhammer shop in Southam be proud of me for saying that. He's like, no shame. We've got a Warhammer shop in Southampton. We can go and paint them in the calf. Yes, that's where Stefan spent his youth.

Is that where he's going for a week? It's where he's going for a week. Emma's going back to Essex to babysit. He says he's at work, but I think he's gone to the Warhammer shop in Southampton. It's actually two weeks. Two weeks he's going to be in there. He'll come back with a whole array of new figures. And cramp. Anywho, moving on swiftly. Thank you, Belle. That took a turn. I almost forgot that

Belle had even written in. Sorry, Belle. We appreciate you. God bless you. So thank you for sharing your secrets this week. Everyone is welcome in the Secret Mum Club. If you'd like to share your secrets with us you can the email is hello at secretmumpod.com or with secret mum pod on TikTok and Instagram. Calm as a bitch I just bit my tongue. Yeah taking the piss out of my lines. Have you released a bum trumpet in your little ones face? Or have you had a paint job in the living room? Then please do let us know. There really is nothing too outrageous.

Keep an eye out for our Thursday episode. And we'll see you next time on the... Secret Mom Club! Fandu casino daily jackpots guaranteed to hit by 11 p.m. with your chance at the number one feeling winning which beats even the 27th best feeling saying I do who wants this last parachute I do daily jackpots a chance to win with every spinner and a guaranteed winner by 11 p.m. every day 19 plus and physically located in Ontario gambling problem call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca.

Select games only. Guarantee void of platform or game models just occur. Guarantee requires played by at least one customer until jackpot is awarded or 11pm Eastern. Research and supply. See full terms at canada.casino.fandoo.com. Please play responsibly. Hi, I'm Evie.

Some days I wake up feeling a little bit worried. Do you? Some days I just feel really wriggly. If you feel the same then why not join me in my podcast as I ask how are you? We find ways to figure out just how we're feeling. Also we're ready to face whatever the day throws at us. Join me in escaping the chaos and taking a moment for calm. So, how are you? Come and join in wherever you get your podcasts.