Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Family Gyno

Episode Date: December 21, 2023

It's our last episode before Christmas! And as always, you've sent in some whoppers. One listener tells us about her in-laws having a gynaecologist who is part of the family, we hear about a little boy's milk curiosity, and the ladies discuss the need for biology lessons after a Mum's letter details her husband's lack of knowledge on the female anatomy. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, this is the Secret Mum Club. I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. Forgot my name then. And welcome to your Thursday episode. Where we get to squeeze in all the extra bits and bobs from the week. Thought you were going to squeeze my bits then. But all comments, thoughts, questions and stories to keep you going through the weekend.

Shall we jump in? It's time for... correspondence corner oh that was the best one we've done yeah i feel like i really followed your lead with that you did i let you take it to take it where you wanted to go and i and we did and i was right behind we took it we took it we both took it um so emma let's have fun with this one oh let's have the first one but let's have fun as well we're all we're all about the fun it's the festive time of year isn't it all right this one says hi mums listening to the fingered by a family member episode forgot about that i don't think that's what it was called but okay i don't think we were allowed to put fingered were we no but it was

about she got fingered by it was about yeah the lady whose father-in-law was a paramedic and he had to see whether she was dilated elaborated on that we could have just gone fingered by her father-in-law. It was about, yeah, the lady whose father-in-law was a paramedic and he had to see whether she was dilated. I love that you elaborated on that. We could have just gone fingered and people would have been like, oh, wow, someone got fingered. I know, I don't want to scare people though. Fingered by a family member episode

reminded me of a not-so-secret situation. My daughter-in-law's mother, hang on a second. Fingered her? My daughter-in-law's mother is one of four sisters. I can't work out the maths. Mother. Oh, her daughter-in-law's mother is one of four sisters i can't work out the my daughter-in-law the maths mother oh her daughter-in-law so she's married to her son yeah so her son's wife's mom yeah so her son's mother-in-law yeah the in-laws the in-laws okay

we're back in the room she's one of four sisters wow the youngest of the sisters is married to an obstetric gynecologist wow who is the family gyno oh no all the women in the family go to him for checkups or whenever they become pregnant this is such a foreign concept to me and i think i would be mortified to see him socially at family gatherings lots of love and and i am totally with you what the hell i would question the man yeah i think that's a bit too close to home seeing all that everyone's foo-foos all your so it's not only your wife i mean kind of fine right you've seen it all anyway but your wife's sisters your wife's three sisters you've got is it not is it not the mother-in-law's no so sorry yeah it's the mother the daughter-in-law's? No, sorry. Yeah, it's the daughter-in-law's mother is one of four sisters.

Yeah, and one of those sisters is married to a gynaecologist. And he is the gynaecologist. Oh, the youngest sister is married. For all of his sister-in-laws. So not only is he looking at his... Wife's. Wife's foo-foo. Which is fine.

Right, I'm with you now. Yeah, yeah. He's also looking at her sister's Foo Foo's. All of the sisters. So imagine Stefan looking at your sister's Foo Foo's. Yeah, or my sister's boyfriend looking at mine. No. I don't think my brother looks at my Foo Foo.

I think people say like in a professional context. They don't look at it like that. It's different, but is it different? It's very personal considering you're going to go and eat a nice gammon joint. You're going to be sitting around the dinner table together and you're going to be thinking, looking at his fingers thinking. Imagine looking at your gammon and thinking looks like sheila's foo-foo looking at him holding his knife and fork thinking those i wonder if she could get the talking foo-foo there one of them's got a chucking

and talking fanny there haven't they oh hello merry christmas this is how big mine is hello gynecologist hello and welcome back to my thing it's also only i think this might be american because again it's like a thing to have like a family gynecologist we don't have like a gynecologist assigned to us do we you just see one when you're maybe when you're pregnant but even not maybe when you're pregnant well i see i i've never seen a gynecologist i'm seeing an obstetrician are you because what an obstetrician one of these obstetrician yeah um just like uh what's wrong with your foo-foo nothing on my foof oh but i'm getting extra care whilst pregnant because i've got um underactive thyroid so i get to see an obstetrician for like extra checks and stuff but we don't have one that's just like assigned to us throughout life do you have that when you're pregnant or

is it just a pregnancy thing for you i have it when i'm not pregnant oh wow but during pregnancy thyroid is big conditions often are like exacerbated by pregnancy so you have to up your medication and stuff like that of course so yeah so i'm seeing one for that reason but actually if you're just like a straightforward no complications pregnancy you don't even get to see it and i don't know i've never seen one no no you would never seen a gynecologist in my life i think although the whole of southampton have seen my fufu because it's a training hospital isn't it it's a university so everyone just every time are they like do you mind if i bring a student yeah and 11 of them come in the room you're like fucking hell what's this a school trip the whole class field trip to see safina's vagina hello everyone

please do that at your next um or even when you're in labor yeah yeah yeah i think lighten the mood a bit you know lighten the mood in the room so it can be a bit of a heavy situation if you haven't listened to the last oh you need to yeah you need to listen back to make that make absolutely zero sense to you listen as to why i'm getting my fufu to talk directly to you listen to the main episode yeah understand go back to thurs uh monday's episode yes and then this will make sense but if you're not and you've just gone straight in dry in this episode buckle up because you're wow yeah that is thank you ann that is a bit peculiar i mean it takes me back to stefan's mom and her father-in-law it's just a whole world of weirdness and that lady getting fingered by her father-in-law yeah not right we've got another message here it says hello

soph and emma the projectile milky massage secret. I love how they're like renaming the secrets of the episodes. It's the ones that they remember. Do you never do this though? So I was thinking about this the other day when I was lying on my bed is I was watching, I was laid on my bed

watching out the neighborhood because I'm in a bungalow, aren't I? So our bedroom's right in the front. Just having a nose. So I was just watching the neighbors. And isn't it funny? I know their actual names,

but we actually gave them names before we knew their names right so we've got the crazy man in the corner with the wheelie bin but now the children say oh mum the crazy man in the corner with a wheelie bin yeah not just like dave or whatever his name is because we just saw him one day running outside with his he was running with wheelie bins yes yeah i think he was running to get his wheelie bin i'll take it to the but you give them names like when we go on holiday as well, like when we were younger, we went on a tour, like a holiday to America, to New York,

but we did it like a 10 day package. So we were with the same people traveling. Yeah. And you don't actually know their names. So you have to give them nicknames. And we gave them nicknames. Yeah. My mom and dad were quite distraught

by the end of the trip to know that they'd called us the Osbournes because we just spent the whole time just arguing and shouting at each other. And my dad not really paying any attention and my mom being Sharon and just being like, shut up! How did it come to light

that that's what they were calling you? Because it was just a funny thing that they'd had too many drinks on the last day. And it all came out. And it all came out. Yeah. The man and the lady with the stick because there was a lady and a man

that both had a... Makes sense. They just shared a walking stick. Yeah. Yeah. It's funny. Anyway, the protect our milky massage secret

reminded me of a story about my son thomas from when he was only three he's 29 now wow poor thomas my friend's dog had a litter of puppies and thomas was desperate to go to her house and see them when we got there he sat and watched the adorable pups feeding on the mama dog he sat for a long time just watching eventually he asked what are the puppies doing i explained that puppies are drinking milk, which will help them get big and strong. Later in the evening during bath time, I noticed my son examining his testicles. I asked him if everything was OK and he looked at me very seriously and said, I can't figure out how to get the milk out so I can be big and strong.

After I stopped laughing, we had a wonderful conversation about mummy milk all the best to both of you and your families and in canada oh thank you and i was expecting him to say something else i thought it's did your head go there i thought it was gonna no i thought it was gonna be nipple related oh no i thought he was gonna offer her oh no a step too far sorry that's where my brain went at. What a sweetheart though. And he's trying to think of ways that he can get the milk out. I wonder if he worked it out eventually.

Maybe we'll have some talking balls. We had some talking balls, talking Fanny. Talking Willie. Talking Willie. Oh, bless him. Thomas, I bet he loves that story now he's 29. I was going to say, I wonder if he still enjoys that story.

That's a really sweet story though. Yeah. His heart was in the right place. Such in the right place. How adorable. Yeah. Oh, God love his heart. Oh, Thomas.

Oh, Thomas. That was a cracker. Thanks, Anne. So thank you so much for your messages. If you have any comments, thoughts or funny stories, why not get in touch? You can email us hello at secretmumpod.com or with secretmumpod on TikTok and Instagram. Next, it's time for one of your secrets after this. This next section of the podcast is an advertisement for NatWest Rooster Money.

A couple of weeks ago, Rooster Money set us a Christmas challenge. Yeah, that's right. They wanted us to share a story about how we saved Christmas because we all know that even when you plan your christmas day to a tee there's always something unexpected that crops up there's literally always something mine was having to run home for the air fryer when the oven decided to pack it in on the most important day of the year maybe it got stage right clearly it wasn't up to the challenge. My oven couldn't handle the stress. Luckily, the air fryer came in to save the day.

And mine was about Stefan dressing up as Santa and surprising his nieces and nephews. Came to the rescue during lockdown, didn't he? Because real Santa couldn't get around. Oh no, because he was on vacay. Yeah, he was on vacay. He was in lockdown one day. Yeah, he was on lockdown. So Stefan stepped in to save the day.

Oh God, I do not want the image of Stefan dressed up as Father Christmas in my head. But now it's time for us to hear your stories in the Christmas Correspondence Corner. So Emma, what Christmas miracles have our lovely listeners pulled off? Well, Sylvia commented saying, my son and daughter had to make the whole Christmas dinner

at their neighbours on Christmas Eve because their oven was broken. Luckily, the neighbours weren't using their kitchen because they'd been invited to go away for Christmas. Oh my goodness. I'm telling you, the oven breaking, always at Christmas. What an absolute saviour of the neighbours. Yeah.

Holy moly. Luckily they weren't there. I know, I know. I hope they had a wonderful Christmas. Yeah. Because I bet they did. Yeah, I bet they did. absolute savior of the neighbor yeah holy moly luckily they weren't there i know i know i hope they had a wonderful christmas yeah because i bet they did yeah i bet they did we've got an email from sarah as well she says hi ladies i'm not a christmas hero but my parents are last year i was super organized with everything the presents decorations and dinner i ordered a lovely turkey for us but i noticed a funny odor coming from the bird coming from the bird on Christmas Eve while it

was defrosting as I opened up the packaging the most unpleasant smell filled the kitchen my turkey had gone off I was devastated all of a sudden we had no centerpiece for dinner I was desperate to see if I could replace it but with it being so late on Christmas Eve there was nowhere to get a replacement I called my I called my parents to cry to them over the phone of course yeah the most natural yeah but whilst i was sobbing my dad said he would sort it out and that he'd be over first thing was something we could use and it ended the call the next morning just as he promised my mom and dad turned up with a huge joint of beef oh turns out they had a spare joint in their freezer safe to say they saved our christmas oh mom and dad to

the rescue god love mom and dad wouldn't you do the same thing just call your mom and dad and cry yeah of course i would i call them every day on the regular yeah let alone the phone calls they get from me help and we've got a last one here from katie she says hi soph and emma a few years back we got a toy kitchen for our little one he was obsessed with our pots and pans so we thought it would be a great gift it arrived the week before all we needed to do was build it. We decided to keep it hidden in the box until he'd gone to sleep on Christmas Eve. That way he would wake up to a fully ready toy kitchen. So we open up the box and start taking all the bits out but we quickly realized that we were missing a few screws and the tap had completely snapped in half.

The next hour of our lives was pure chaos. From trying to find screws around the tap had completely snapped in half the next hour of our lives was pure chaos from trying to find screws around the house to getting super glue everywhere we did everything we could to bodge this kitchen together in the end we had a semi-functioning toy kitchen with a taped up tap but the big surprise went down a treat and we managed to get another one delivered after christmas to replace it oh it's the worst thing you do i don't know if i can speak for everyone else but i speak on behalf of me that i leave everything to build it on christmas eve to the last minute because the bigger stuff like when the baby's still having like toy kitchens or doll houses or something

like that and the most infuriating thing because you don't check all the parts do you and then it gets to christmas day and you're like great yeah what am i supposed to do i've got one wheel late on christmas on my bike yeah don't worry the wheels coming yeah yeah what are you meant to do yeah i know it's gone too far then i think we're getting joseph a toy kitchen this year are you fingers crossed it's got all the bits i would check all your bits fast check your bits check your bits guys before you build so thank you so much for sending in your amazing stories and And thanks to Rooster Money for setting us this challenge. You can see more Christmas stories on the Secret Mum Club social channels. And don't forget to search NatWest Rooster Money in your app store and give your kids a head start with money.

Fees and eligibility criteria may apply for certain Rooster Money products. Welcome back. We love hearing your secrets and because we just can't get enough of them we have an extra secret of the week what have you got for us am i hit us all right this one says hello wonderful ladies my husband and i have had a beautiful baby girl join us this past may congratulations he was scared shitless when we were told we were having oh is that actually what it says yeah oh god yeah he was scared shitless when we were told we were having a little girl i remember him saying i don't know what to do with a girl fast forward to his first blowout

nappy change poo everywhere he was making sure to get all the poo out of every crevice but midway he looks at me and says oh crumbs sarah she's got a clip i just looked at him confused and thought it was the sleep deprivation talking he then carries on to say i thought girls grow their clitoris during puberty how do i politely tell my husband he needs some biology lessons sarah it's not a fucking kneecap you don't just cry it's not an adam's apple yeah it's a fleshy part of your food it's your vulva i'm joking respect to him that he knew god bless his heart it was chris actually really struggled with this as well from going from having a little boy not about the clip situation just from going from a boy to a girl really um yeah or you know any girl at all because chris was like i feel really bad like i feel really invasive on her

her body yeah and do you think a lot of men struggle with that yeah i think it i think it's really well i'd like to think it's common i told chris it's a very common a very common thing yeah but i um he really struggled with it i think step was like, wanted a boy just because he was like, I know where I'm at with a boy. Like I know. But the love of a girl. Chris and Dots' relationship is far, like his relationship with both children is beautiful,

but his relationship is very different with Colby to how it is with Dotsie. Father-daughter relationship. Yeah, it's a very, very special relationship. But yeah, he really struggled with that. He really struggled really like what apparently just nappy changes and he was worried like he was wiping it too hard well where he was allowed nappy changes in general harder with a girl i think oh yeah because it goes in every single crevice yeah yeah you don't just have a willy that you just pick up the ball back you know you do don't you

and also you have to be careful don't you where you which way you wipe with a girl down always down yes that's harder yeah because i can imagine like well you meant to go front to back aren't you back yeah front to back back to front yeah front to back front to back yeah and then front is that must be hard when it when they're in nappies and it's like going you don't know You can't really pull the wipe up. You kind of just have to go down towards the bum area. You've done both. So which was harder?

Oh, foofies. Yeah, definitely. It's when you do it in the middle of the night and you wake up in the morning and there's just yellow everywhere in your life. So sorry, I thought I did a good job. You feel guilty as fuck. And then I think, God, imagine me waking up and just having shit all in my foo-foo oh god

yeah it'd be so uncomfortable dunk him in the bath yeah I used to just do that and I found that Dottie was more of a morning bathy girl oh really

yeah because in the middle of the night you just don't know you just can't you don't want to turn the light on and she was a big poo-er as well

whereas Colby wasn't really no he was a bit more was he a bit bunged up no he just didn't really like pooing he was a bit more, was he a bit bunged up? No, he just didn't really like pooing at night time. Yeah, he was more of a hose. Just weed. Like a little fireman all night, just weeing all night.

But yeah, there you go. So yeah, I can totally relate to that. I was going to say we can. I feel like we probably need some biology lessons as well, though. So I don't want to be too hard on Sarah's partner because we've spouted a lot of bad science on this podcast. We don't know what a vulva is. We don't know what a vulva is. We don't know. Maz is going to Google it later.

There was something else about sperm and eggs and we need them. Oh, hot sperm and cold sperm. We need some science lessons, don't we? We do. But we're all in this together. We're all in this together. We really are. And, don't we? But we're all in this together. We're all in this together. We really are. And we know that we are.

We're all stars and we see the day. So thank you so much. Thanks, Sarah. Anyone want to join our biology class? Setting up YouTube classes online? No, we're not. I'm kidding. We need a teacher.

Have you had to explain that you can't milk testicles? Let us know. You can email us hello at secretmumpod.com or with secretmumpod on TikTok and Instagram. And we'll be back first thing Monday with an extra festive special episode. And we'll see you next time on the Secret Mum Club.