Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Fanny Hand

Episode Date: July 8, 2024

There's a legend status letter in the Correspondence Corner this week, and it comes in from a mum who received a post-birth surprise. Sophiena calls upon Dottie for help during a shopping centre emergency, and Emma is juggling a nighttime routine with two babies! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello this is the secret mum club i'm safina and i'm emma and this podcast is a safe space for mums everywhere a safe space to share our secrets because we've all got secrets don't we and as we know sharing is caring you don't even have to tell us who you are yet you can keep that to yourself you can be anonymous and those secrets can be serious or silly all secrets are welcome in the secret mum club can be serious or silly. All secrets are welcome in the Secret Mum Club. Do you know every week we record that? Every single week. I know Sadie, I'm as much pained about it as well. She's not happy about it. She's not happy. She needs the titty. How are the titties in this heat?

Yeah, the nips are good. Although I was just saying to you, it's hard. Do you know what? It's really hot the week that we're recording this. Yeah. And I feel like everyone's been moaning about the weather and waiting for ages for some sunny weather. I feel like we wouldn't be British if we didn't moan.

And they've got to moan that it's too hot. We moan when it's cold. We moan when it's hot. We love a moan. It's too hot. We are the moaners. For the babies, it's just too much it's the skin on skin for me it's the chafing on my arm yeah i can't handle it i'm obviously trying to hold him

more so he doesn't have a flat head and i'm i'm just i'm just getting absolute chafage i've been laying out a muslin yeah on my arm to do you say muslin or muslin muslin muslin muslin muslin muslin muslin muslin i don't know i never know if i say it right. Muslin. I think muslin is right. Muslin. Anyway, a barrier. Yeah. A layer of protection for my skin. But when you're breastfeeding, it's hard because they're right on you and it's just a bit of

a slip and slide. Slippery nipples. That puts slippery nipples into a new perspective, doesn't it? I have to keep drying off my nipples so she can get a good latch back on. Yeah. Can you imagine all the sweat around her face as well from your titty? Yeah, that's it. And then the milk goes everywhere and she's slipping and sliding.

Wow. Milk and sweat. Yeah. That's a whole lot of fajazzle in there, isn't it? Milky sweats. Milky sweaty titties. Yeah. Big milky sweaty tits.

Milky sweaty. How have you been coping anyway with the weather? So yeah, so that's been a bit of a nightmare because I don't have a fan or any air conditioning obviously i'm your number one fan apart from you uh it's too noisy really to have the windows open hay fever don't and then also not safe really at night i'm like what do i dress her in yeah you know it's just it's actually i'd like it to go back to a moderate like 18 degrees to be honest can we just take a moment to appreciate your stunning outfit today thank you your outfit is outrageous i outrageous being good not bad um i also um want to pay credit to the trainers and

the fact that you are not wearing a vintage a pair of shoes today literally first thing you said when i turned up today have you treated yourself to a new pair of shoes i am absolutely flabbergasted emma literally gets it from either a charity shop or something off the side of the road. Side of the road. You know when people leave stuff outside their house

to be collected? That's where I get most of my vintage shoes from. That's where she collects them. She's got some absolute spangly. Can you flash us? Yeah. Please.

Look at them. Look. New balance. Brand new. Brand new. From a shop. Fresh out the... Did you lick the base they're box fresh no

one's died in them i've been wearing that you don't know where your your old shoes have been stefan was like i can't believe you're still wearing a pair of trainers that you picked up off the side of the road and you didn't even put them in the wash you didn't you didn't that is i just started wearing them straight away with socks um i was wearing these around the house the other day to like break them in because they're brand new and i said because you don't know actually what it feels like to wear a new pair of trainers i know my feet are like what the hell is this sensation and i said to joseph do you like my new trainers and he said no you're just there having a footgasm and joseph's just absolutely shit on your parade he brings me back down to earth he does humble he humbles me yeah

humbles me yeah kids will do that kids kids kids do do that he is kids are insanely humbling i did speak about this on my instagram today it's actually how terrified i am of overheating the children yeah so i didn't sleep a wink last night every 30 minutes i was like bolt upright stressed at the fact that i because i've not had a baby in the summer yeah because i had colby and dotty august september i haven't gone through yeah like a hot spell with them you haven't had a baby this age in the heat no like colby's colby's i went into labor so badly burnt they were putting cold compress on my leg was it boiling when he was born because that was boiling wasn't it boiling yeah it was like a heat wave it was like the hottest august we'd ever had and it was sweltering hot and i was burnt to a crisp what was it like being i always wonder this

like because my i was in hospital having the babies in february and march what was it like having a being in hospital in august was it hot as balls yeah literally savage because hospitals are hot anyway it was like suffocating yeah it was insanely hot and then i had dotty and it was a really hot week up to her birth and then the day i went into labor she or day i got induced sorry she um it rained and then that was it and then that was it september and we were whipped in and out with dots they were like second baby you might as well just leave leave leave same day we don't even need to stitch you up no because i had a later in the afternoon they kept me into the next day yeah colby I was only in for a night and then I went home.

Gosh. In like the grand scheme of things, this is up there with being fucking crazy as to what nutter thought it was okay to release me on the road at 17 years old. I don't know what in, in what crazy world we're living in, people let 17 year olds drive motor vehicles.

Why, what happened? I just think that's savage. Like look back at your 17 year old self. Do why what happened i just think that's savage like look back at your 17 year old safe do you self do you think you were safe enough to drive well no i crashed like the day after i passed my test we're cannonballs i don't know why and that's that was the same mantra as when i left the hospital what nutter is letting me home after not even 12 hours wasn't even 12 hours to go home with a brand new baby they're always forcing you out though aren't they literally put me up the bed i Literally put him in the car seat.

I literally walked him around in the car seat. I live in a bungalow. Everything is miniature. And I walked him around. Like, I'm going to put the kettle on now. I'll just take him two steps with me. I didn't know what to do. God, I was in hospital for two days both times.

And I didn't want to leave. I was like, please let me stay another night. It's mental, isn't it? Yeah. And I do feel like there's enough support when you go home. And you're just like, here's this brand new baby it is crazy with a vaginal birth how quickly they'll let you leave i think with the cesarean it's normally a bit longer isn't it i did laugh though there was something i saw the other day about a um a man having his

recovery from a vasectomy oh yeah and they were like sit up for two days i sit rest but don't worry when we give birth cesarean or vaginal you've just got to go home and get on with that shit but don't worry you ice that dick you ice that big old pizza you rest that dick yeah no way yeah literally it's got time to go home and i sit and she was like yeah don't worry about me you just take it easy for a while i got sent home with my organs hanging out yeah and then you have to care for a baby, lift up a baby, feed a baby. Yeah. Piss.

Isn't it wild? Crazy. So yeah, I'm in that mental. And at the moment, I'm a little bit stressed. I'm a little bit stressed at the fact that it's so hot. Yeah. Because Renly doesn't like having his body out, does he? No.

So what have you had him dressed in? I have been putting him in a vestie. So he has been really, really unsettled. But at one point, he slept for like an hour and a half because he's a good sleeper he loves to sleep so much like we're on till six o'clock in the morning he's going six till six yeah you said the other day he did like well i think the one of your instagram stories i watched it wasn't six till six but you said like the night before he'd done like eight till six or something so he does either eight till six or six till six he loves his sleep he's such a sleepy baby but last night because he was unsettled because he had his arms and feet out and

when it's literally like yeah that's how he is like lying on the mattress i think they're both at the age now like they're going through that really cute bit where they start to discover their hands yes and they do the random like movements in front of them they're like rubbing their eyes yeah in the morning when they wake up or literally rend these whole fists in the mouth or she started like pinging out the dummy yes well he was doing that anyway well yeah they were onto the catapult yeah yeah but she's grabbing onto little toys and stuff now it's like this is the age holding my finger now yeah yeah good grip and also starting to roll hold your whole boob yep good grip and also starting to roll does she hold your whole boob she cups

rolling she's starting to roll already but I think that is normally like four to six months they hating she's going she's going for it to be honest

I don't really put him down now because I'm scared about his flat head yeah I don't put him down well I'm really scared to leave her now because it's only a matter of time

before the first fall off the bed you're gonna have the first fall off the bed yeah mine's this in the bath this is what he does the thrusting doesn't the bath and the other day he was weeing in the bath there was piss flying everywhere he was rocketing out of the bath and

i was like whoa i had loads of soap on my arm i was like jesus christ christ this is too much but it is a fun bit it's a really fun bit but also you've got to start to watch your back yeah because they're not as static anymore and i'll send to stefan it's like rolling off the bed bingo which parent is going to fail first with joseph it was me first we took it in turns then it happened to stefan then it happened to me and he was like it's two one you're a more careless parent and then he would do it i'll be like two all you're just as bad as me you're just as shit as me i don't um i don't know if he's he's quite um he's quite chilled but when he's on the floor he does do the puts they put their feet on the floor don't they and they just

keep their back arched arched well she's doing that against the bottom of the bassinet now in the palm you know when their feet can touch the bottom so she's like rocketing herself up the top of the which is annoying because it fucking keeps her awake and the pram was the only place where she used to sleep so now she does that and then... Is she not in the bed with you? She does sleep in bed with me but the best way to keep her down for a long time is a moving pram.

So I walk a lot of steps. That's the other thing about this heat. I'm actually sweating my tits off. You're wasting away as it is. Walking around. Well, don't worry. I'm keeping up the calories but... Good for my girl.

Sitting up as well. I know you were saying Renly thinks they think they can sit up already. I'm like, excuse me, you're three months old. The thing is, is like when he sits up he doesn't think to like oh now i'm up i'll just hold my head no he now sits up and just does this yeah head forward head forward and i'm like well get back here get back you see they're trying to run before they can walk like hun don't try and sit up if you can't hold your own head just you need to just chill you

need to chill i don't know who you think you are you're not six months old yet right no he loves it though he loves sitting up yeah it's hard now to get her to lay back on my chest because she's like yeah constantly or yeah when i put them on my chest to like wind him like that yeah throwing the head back you're like oh gosh you think they're gonna break their neck don't you yeah i don't know i don't know how um i don't know how they don't get uncomfortable. No. I mean, they must be able, their necks must be strong. Well, I don't know.

They're getting there, aren't they? That's how they strengthen it though, isn't it? Yeah. Like, but still the tummy time is a no go. She doesn't like that. No, no. No, that doesn't really make sense. No, no.

No, we're not having none of it. No. And he now purposely just puts his head flat on the floor. Yeah. With his arm. He had his arms back the other day and he was just like. Just giving up on life. She's going to get me up eventually.

She's going to fucking get me up. She won't leave me like this for long. No, yeah, I do it on the bed and she literally eats the bed sheets. That's it. I can't get her to like turn her head to the side or lift it up. No, she's just like, fuck this. FML. Fuck this.

I'm over this. I'm Fuck this. I'm over this. I'm over this. I'm over this. It's been a pretty wild week for the babies. Yeah. Yeah. They're just not used to this. Like, when we go on holiday later this summer, what the hell are we going to do?

Like, you think going on holiday, oh, it's going to be lovely, nice and sunny. No, actually with babies, it's a fucking nightmare. You can't go out. You're going to be sweaty, milky. You can't go out and do anything. And holding a baby. Guns are still. i'm worried about them burning yeah finding shade holidays ain't what they used to be i can't even find shade in my fucking garden let alone abroad we know joseph won't go in the garden because he's scared of bumblebees so move to a house with a garden he

won't use it oh that's really sad i know he says the bees are gonna eat him no he doesn't he does oh that's really i don't know where he's bees are going to eat him. No, he doesn't. He does. Oh, that's really sad. I don't know where he's learned that bumblebees are... Bill happily jumped in a field with 10,000 cows. Oh, yeah. But don't give him a bumble. Bumblebee, God, no. No, no, no.

Because I think he saw one out there once and it did fly at him. And then he started having nightmares about a bee. I know. He's too... He's very sensitive. He's too much. Oh, that is too much.

I know. Now he says, the bee's going to eat me. Oh, my God, Jojo. I know. Stop. I mean, it's definitely like... sensitive he's too much oh that is too much i know now he says the bee's gonna eat me oh my god jojo i know stop i mean it's definitely like we don't want to tell him they could give you a deadly sting but no they're fine the bees are our friends dotsy will will cope with the bee because we tell her that if he's scared that's when he'll sting yeah so if you beat your friend so she just does this are you okay she's like you won't stop to talk to me yeah i don't think he wants to just you're probably

scaring him a little bit by doing that so maybe we'll just leave but it's funny because he's not scared of things that i think he should be scared of like a cow like spiders he's not scared of spiders he's not scared of spiders no when i say do you like spiders he says yes and i'm like well you shouldn't they're scary they're the fucking devil I don't think we'd last a second in Australia there's us like we'll join

I'm a celebrity we're going as a duo I don't think we'd survive no no could you do I'm a celebrity I'd like to think I could do it

but bugs are just not the one for me you know by the end of the series when they first go in they can't handle anything and then by the end of the series

it's like oh another bucket of cockroaches on my head not a problem Bear Grylls don't they yeah just come out absolutely savage imagine getting so desensitized to cockroaches that you could have one like in your eye no i don't think i'll ever get that would never be comfortable for me no no what would be your worst one under the ground yeah in the coffin probably i'm claustrophobic darren i don't need i don't think i could i don't

think i could do dark small tunnels. No, dark spaces and bugs. No, I can do a freaking tarantula. I couldn't do the eating one either. When they just crawl up their face. Or when they have to hold it in their mouth. No, no, no. Actually, now you're saying this, no. Don't call us.

We're not doing it. Strictly. We'll take that. I do dancing on ice and that's where I draw the line. Would you do, what's that other one? Would you do Big Brother? I don't think so. Would you? Yeah. Would that. Yeah. I do Dancing on Ice and that's where I draw the line. Would you do, what's that other one? Would you do Big Brother? I don't think so. Would you?

Yeah. Would you? Yeah. I've been cooped up with all those people though. I think I'd drive them mad. Yeah. They'd be fucked off with me.

I'd be having the time of my life. Yeah. They'd be like, fucking get us out. You'd be good in it. I'd be boring. No one would want to watch me. You don't even watch telly.

I watch reality TV. Big Brother's my dream come true. But Big Brother, like back in the day when it was good davina mccall yeah does she still do it no who doesn't know oh emma emma willis is it yeah yeah the og era of like big brothers like one to six yeah i would say they were the best iconic yeah yeah this took a turn didn't it it really did sorry we we wait we wait so long to see each other and then there's just so much to talk we have to catch up on mike and also nothing's really happening in our lives so i'm renovating my garden i don't know about you oh yeah how's that going i'm currently on garden construction on um ground force i am alan titmarsh did we get to the

bottom of that last week it's titch marsh isn't it yeah i googled it on the train on the way back it is i thought it was tit that sounds so for many years i've called him tit marsh that's not good is it sorry about that alan um so yeah we're currently under garden that's what i've spent my week doing hauling shit out the garden yeah did you get your um what was that thing you were calling the digger you were like hi ab did you get your hi ab yeah moved to cabin nice it's gone from the end of the garden to the top of the garden. From the bottom to the top. It's now currently the playroom slash storage slash bike store slash... I saw you having a little football party in there the other day.

...tall station. We did. Lovely. We did. We sat out there. Although, I will say, I didn't really think about it too much. I have created a bit of a sauna. Yeah.

It's a bit hot. Slightly, slightly hot. Not the one in this weather, is it? We live in fucking England, let's be honest. The heat wave's going to be here for about three hours. By the time this goes out, the heat wave will be over. Yeah, we'll be over. It'll be raining again.

We'll be practically putting our trees up for Christmas. So I'm not worried. But we've got the frame down for the deck in. Nice. We've ordered deck in. Exciting. So it's a little bit go, go, go. Yeah.

I'm not going to lie, i'm very excited really exciting i've been spending hours searching cladding um composite decking balustrades i hate jobs like that you love it though don't you yeah i do love it i'm not gonna lie you live for it i've seeked around for the best deal so yeah that's but that's pretty much my week okay not a lot has happened um just a lot but not a lot yeah i feel like that's always the way isn't it how's yours been what have you been doing it's been all right stefan's been away quite a bit basically i feel like this always happens right stefan will be like oh may is really busy but june's gonna be quiet don't worry june comes around really fucking busy because the general election got called

so he's got loads of extra work on now before the election what he fucking busy because the general election got called so he's got loads of extra work on now before the election what he has to do the general election well he's just got loads of because he's a journalist he's got loads is he yeah didn't you know that i've known you for a year i thought he was on the radio yeah what journalists work on the radio yeah he's like a journalist slash presenter you know i thought a journalist was somebody that did like columns in the paper yeah like he'd be a print journalist but also a broadcast journalist so he does like radio telly etc and his schedule's become really busy because he does some news programs and he's had to work loads before the election so basically june also turned into a

shit show then he's like once june is over july is gonna be fine do you know when you want to say just shut up yeah you're talking the fuck up shit you're talking crap our whole life is like get through another busy week get through another busy month so june has been a bit of a shit show my mom and dad have been up to help a bit which is nice god bless them but this week i've got three solo bedtimes shit man which is the killer bedtime's the worst because like inevitably sadie will be overtired or hungry whilst I'm trying to like bath Joseph get him ready for bed give him a nice relaxing bedtime chill get him down more often than not I'm trying to like give him his milk before he goes to bed wind down calm she's

screaming in his ear you know it's just not it's not it's not the one it's really hard to work out I was saying to Stefan the other day like with two babies two small babies it's really hard to give your all to each baby's routine yes and i always feel guilty because i'm like you know she's really overtired now so she either needs like the boob or she needs jogging to sleep but then also joseph's really hungry and he needs dinner or he needs to go and have a bath and i can't give my all to each child yeah and i just feel that's overwhelming yeah and it's right at the end of the day it's always at the end of the day and you feel so like you need to tap out yeah i need to tap out plus it's the witching hour isn't it yeah and both of them because there's both so diddy yeah it's the

witching hour for both of them yeah um and it is hard i don't know what i did when um colby and dots i imagine chris was home is he around yeah he used to always like bath time was his time like he'd be like get out of the bathroom like this is my time with the babies yeah and he used to make sure

that he was home to do that I think it's really nice if you've got a partner that works regular hours and you know when they're going to be home like Stefan's work

he's just like he could be all over the place he could be working away he won't be back till late he might be away overnight there's some really nice things about it because he's self-employed

so he can choose when he works yes but it means that hours like when i need him is not always there which is literally like my sister exactly the same as my sister her husband's worked away my brother-in-law's always worked away he's always worked how does she do that for kids i don't honestly i said to you she's a false advertisement for children she is literally i don't think she's real i think she's like the bionic woman yeah they're 15 13 11 9 so two years between everyone yeah oh my god between every every baby uh i don't know how she did it if i'm honest with you she made it look seamless yeah no one ever cried no one ever cried no one ever had a paddy and i was like i can do this yeah i can do this then you had colby i literally shit my pants yeah i was like what the fuck even my sister was like i actually don't

know what to do no i don't i can't stop it's so funny how yeah babies turn out so different like i told you didn't i stefan's sisters were like oh my baby is like never had tantrums so i don't really know what to do with that i'm like oh okay okay that's that makes me feel like my kids are a nightmare. We had the mother of all meltdowns the other day. Stop it. What Joseph or you? Him.

I felt like having a meltdown, but I thought not really socially acceptable for a 36 year old woman. I don't know. I've thrown myself on the floor of Tesco's. Yeah. I felt like doing that. With Colby, I've thrown myself on the floor of Tesco's. Have you actually?

I think I've done it about twice, maybe three times. I think I've done it once with Colby, maybe twice with Dottie, throw myself on the floor of Tesco's to which Colby died in embarrassment what to like mirror their behavior yeah yeah yeah and then colby was actually like and he was like getting me up off the floor he's like get up get up get up get up get up get up get up oh try that next time that's a good idea and do you know the the amount of mums that were like that was absolutely brilliant genius yes yeah because i just think if it's harder than i know they've got to regulate and you know people will say you're you're damned

if you do and you're damned if you don't if you're you're wrong for whatever you do you know and i know people will say that's not really the correct way to do it but i just thought you know i'll show him how it feels you know i'm i know he's trying to regulate his emotions and understand things but i am too yeah i'm trying to regulate my emotions uh being hormonal but i was like do you know what we'll just we'll just see how it works i wonder how that'll go down with joseph i feel like joseph is um maybe a little bit more stronger willed than colby so i reckon he in secretly will love it but i don't think he would be fazed by the fact of you throwing yourself on the floor. I don't think he quite.

First time Dottie wasn't, she was just, and then I was like, okay, I got to get up now because we're going to be here all fucking day. That's what I mean. You've got to save face.

That will be Jojo, I think. Yeah. Yeah. Like it gets to a point probably where it's embarrassing. You know, you've done it to try and teach them the lesson

and then you're like, okay, this isn't working and now I'm just having a tantrum in Tesco. But even like there's times where they used to just sit down. So I just sit down in the middle of the aisle with them he was i took him to soft play i was ill and i thought you know what soft play would be an easy option because he can just go and entertain himself yeah i can just chill for a bit had sadie with me as well he didn't

understand that i was ill so he's like mommy come on the slide i'm like mommy's just gonna have a little break because i feel like i'm dying um i didn't really understand that and then just one of those things when we left like he wanted a juice i was like okay you've got to wait until the end for a juice otherwise i've got to pack up all the shit walk over to the cafe like we can't do that you have you can have one at the end didn't like that lost his shit then at the end i said you can either put your shoes on and walk or you can go in the buggy without your shoes didn't want to do either oh i didn't want to put your jacket on to go outside just didn't want to do anything do you know when everything is a battle he was just losing his shit at everything and i just thought

people were looking at me thinking that poor woman i had to physically wrestle him into the buggy and get his straps on it's just some days you win some days you lose those days i just think i actually just went home and went to bed did you in the middle of the day when he did yeah because i just thought i can't we're all exhausted when you're ill when you're all ill and you can't catch up on your sleep, it's just a killer because you can't overcome. There's just no point fathoming it. And do you know what? There's so many times that I felt so much pressure to still perform

in the sense of like, I'd still have to go out and do stuff. And I just used to, and now I'm to the point where, why am I going to fucking do that? Why am I going to tire myself out? Because I'm not going to be the best version of myself for them. And I just think sometimes, I just sit in my pajamas. I do it quite a lot now. My dad was like, you're brave taking him to soft play when you're ill.

And I'm like, sometimes it's more depressing staying at home all day. I'm like, let's get them out. Burn off some energy. Fucking backfired, didn't it? I'm not doing that again. Maybe just take him to the park on his bike. He doesn't go on a bike. Did you not like it?

I thought you had a balance bike. He either didn't know how to use it or a scooter. Yeah, and then that in itself, when they want help doing that and you can't help on a bike. Did you not like it? I thought you had a balanced bike. Yeah, they didn't know how to use it. Or a scooter. Yeah, and then that in itself, when they want help doing that and you can't help them. The amount of times that I say to, sorry Sadie, I smacked that really hard then.

The amount of times I say to Dots, we're not taking the rollerblades and she says, I'm going to be different this time. I'm going to do really good. And I stupidly fall for it. And we get down the park and she's like Bambi on ice.

Yeah. She's all over the place. And it's worse. And I end up just carrying her around. And you wish you'd never gone out at all. And I just wish we'd left the blades at home. I know. Or just stayed at home.

It's really heartbreaking when you think, oh, try and do something nice for them. Yeah. And because they're not grownups, they don't understand that concept. No. And it really comes back

to bite you in the ass and you think, do you know what? We should never fucking bother. No. Yeah. I do feel that. I feel that sometimes. Yeah. So it's been an up and down week for us yeah you know been a tough one

yeah but we're getting there those those i love how you were just like i so resigned we didn't get much sleep last night either it was hot as balls she was up every hour you were looking into my soul then like a cry for help yeah Yeah, please. Help. Send help. Help. Emma and I really want to hear from you. Yeah, we want you to join us in the Secret Mum Club. You're all welcome. You can share your secrets with us, respond to what we've been talking about, or just say hello. You can find us on TikTok and Instagram.

Just search Secret Mum Pod, or you can email us hello at secretmumpod.com. And don't't forget we still need your help decorating our studio so if your little ones have drawn up a storm and you have nowhere to hang their creations why not send them to us you can post them to us or share them over on email our address is up on our insta and tiktok bios it's time so are you ready she's about to kick off for correspondence connor all right ready for the first one yes hit me it says hi ladies with your rhythm stick a little while back i listened to the episode where you were discussing what formula to give renly because of his diarrhea yes my baby boy is six months old and has had the same problem since birth i've been repeatedly told it's reflux and not a formula issue so not to swap it and he has been on emeprazole and gaviscon his whole life he doesn't

sleep more than four hour stretches and screams every time he wakes oh after listening to your episode i told my husband enough is enough and i'm swapping formulas it's only been four days but i have a changed baby he's almost sleeping through the night no more nappy explosions thank you for giving me the nudge to trust my instincts love you both from a mum who is finally getting some sleep shut the fucking front door that is incredible isn't it the power of you the power i don't know if it was me well i just i just shared my experience sometimes you've got to trust your gut she went with her gut and it it proved correct you changed someone's life oh my god i don't know i'll take it you know i'll take it all right that's incredible that's amazing i just feel

sometimes there's so much pressure they they just try and palm you off don't they they just palm you off with oh it's just a reflux off you go not when they're screaming when taking a bottle that isn't a reflux right no that isn't right you know what a meprazole as well i feel like so many babies i know it's like the go-to thing i'll just put them on a meprosol it's so harsh should they be on a drug i didn't i didn't never ever even with colby i never ever put colby and colby was bad yeah like his uh his reflux was bad and i never went with a meprosol i feel like it's like i'm not i don't even take a meprosol why am i gonna put my baby on it what is it is it for um it's for um reflux acid reflux what keeps us keeps the sickness yeah yeah yeah i feel like it's so widely like oh okay yeah i know a lot of babies that are on that oh well i'm absolutely delighted about that

god bless her and trust your gut always i feel like this is the first step to always trust your gut yeah yes well done well done all right i've got another one here. It says, hi, ladies. Following on from the bouncy avocado episode, when I had my daughter six years ago, she was born nine pounds and came out with her hand over her eye, causing me to tear from one end to the other. That's how Renly came out, wasn't it?

Yep. Hand over his eye. And trauma. He got trauma to the eye. Superman. Superman. After I'd been stitched up, my doctor had realized I had a blood clot

I hadn't passed after birthing my placenta. She then proceeded to push quite vigorously on my stomach to try to help me manually pass it. But it got stuck. She then stuck her whole hand up my fanny to... I wasn't expecting that. Her whole hand up my fanny to retrieve the clot. There's a little bit of weed come out. It's a fact that she threw fanny in there like it was...

Fanny! I lay there in disbelief when this woman pulled out a blood clot the size of a softball. The fuck? The doctor and i were in absolute shock she said it was the biggest i'm fucking in shock you're in shock it hasn't even happened to you she said it was the biggest blood clot she had seen in her career blood clot blood clot she then asked if she could show her colleagues oh my god so i ended up laying in bed whilst my blood clot was getting showed off like a trophy. During my four-day stay in the hospital, I had many midwives come up to me to say they were impressed by my blood clot.

Stay gorgeous, Tiff from Queensland, Australia. Bloody hell, Tiff! Shot every time you... Blood clot, bingo. All I'm thinking now, Tiff, is you're someone with a massive like glove, like they insert the cow's bum hole. Someone's in your fanny. You know what we were just talking about?

The amount of recovery time men need after a vasectomy. Fucking hell! Women are in hospital getting blood clots removed by hand. From their fanny! Can we just take a moment for women for tiff fucking hell and the fact they've just paraded her blood clot around the hospital do you know what medics are like that though they they love they love it they love it when you get a nice healthy placenta they love showing it to you don't they they do they do love giving you

a demonstration on your placenta and how it works. Fuck. That is fucking, I'm dead. I'm lost with that one. Bloody hell. It was just the fact that she just threw in Fanny so nonchalantly. A whole hand up your Fanny. I suppose after you've pushed out a baby's head, that's not that big, is it? A fist? Well, your foo-foo isn't just gaping open.

It closes back up straight away. I don't know. I've never pushed anything through. Yeah, it's not like the gaping hole of doom. doom not okay no no it basically just goes straight back oh does it yeah yeah wow apart from it yeah being a little bit um so it goes back it goes back but it just doesn't it's not as tight yeah yeah i feel like a fist compared to a baby's head it's not i still she would still have felt the fist going in i'm not saying that was a walk in the park, but. Fuck.

Jesus Christ. I just can't. Just how she just threw him fanny so quickly. And I saw cash. We should have gone for drinks first. Yeah. Just straight in with the fanny. But thank you, Tiff.

We appreciate you. And I do truly hope you've recovered from that. Yeah. What an ordeal. That was wild. But anywho. Thank you so Tiff. We appreciate you and I do truly hope you've recovered from that. Yeah. What an ordeal. That was wild. But anywho, thank you so much for those. I loved them.

They were great this week, weren't they? Yeah. I loved them. So you can get in touch with us on anything at all. It can be serious or silly and you can be totally anonymous.

Because between us, we've probably heard it all before. And remember, we're all in this together and we know that we are. We're all stars and remember we're all in this together and we know that we are we're all stars and we see that this is the secret mum club the safe space for you to share your secrets here's my secret of the week.

Hit me. I'm back with the period of doom. Oh. I cannot tell you how bad these periods are. And they're getting fucking worse. But they could get worse after post. But if you didn't hear that, that is the biggest shit that Sadie's. She's already shit in her outfit. she's got shit up her back.

Sadie is definitely just... She's got a lovely summery little romper outfit on today. White and pink. Her little blue eyes are just staring at her. She looks so innocent. Like butter wouldn't melt and then she shits all up the back of it. And now she's taken another shit. We might have to do a nappy break.

back of it and you know she's taken another shit we might have to do a nappy break but an outfit change have you no no nappy change i was gonna say you were wearing that a second ago are you ready sadie sadie is waiting with anticipation um this is you have all this to come so the period oh the period is back the vengeance it's a big topic in our house it's a big thing that happens i wouldn't say my mood changes but it's it's a it's a time everyone knows everyone knows right yeah it's no secret is this your first one back after the baby no i want to say this is my third and can i just talk about how horrendous i'm not i'm not getting like any clotting i'm just purely just bleeding like a tap like a yeah like water's just right it's just constant bleed and it is so excruciating is it

painful i'm in agony what in your like in your tummy yeah my tummy i've never had tummy cramps before they're the worst and i feel like the more babies you have the worse your period gets mine are absolutely i don't know if it's everybody but mine are by does it get heavier yeah does it yeah and the blood doesn't like clot it just runs oh god just runs so i came on my period not at home no no no of course on a family day out of course so i went into the toilet because dotty needed the toilet i thought while i'm here um i'm gonna go to the toilet notice i was on my period so i was like oh dotty can you go out to daddy and ask because i was bleeding quite bad and you didn't have anything with you no i had nothing nightmare so i said dotty can you go out and ask daddy if he can just pop to boots and get

me some sanitary towels because mommy's coming on a period and i can't move because i'm bleeding quite badly she was like yeah don't worry mom i got you i got you i was like brilliant she's got this down and i thought you know what i'm just going to text Chris while I'm on the toilet just to let him know in case she doesn't relay the message. So she opened the door wide open and legged it, leaving the door wide open to me, sat on a toilet, bleeding in an inch of my life. And just literally,

and the moment she turned the corner of the door said dad mom's got the period we need to go to boots and get us some sanitary toes she's bleeding really bad bear in mind we're in a shopping center there's loads of people around so she ran to chris so i had to do the i forgot a bit of tissue cup cup cup ran to the ran to the door shut the door quickly locked the door and i thought i don't know whether i'm going to stand here now and wait for them to come back or so i tootled back to the toilet and sat on the toilet while it was literally just running out so i text chris i was like i'm so sorry about that can you go to boots and get me a sanitary towel and he was like yeah no no it's fine just stay there we'll go get it so he took

all of them to boots to come back i shit you not i think she ran from fucking boots which is a mile away all i could hear the whole way is don't worry mom i'm on my way i got your sanitary towels and i was like oh my god so i could hear her so i'm sorry cupped myself walk back to the toilet unlock the toilet door and stood by the toilet door. She come in, flew literally through the door open. I'm stood there just cupping and holding, launched the sanitary towels in. She was like, don't worry, mum. I got you. I got you.

And then just ran off again. I'm stood there. Sanitary towels are in the toilet. I'm cupping. The door's wide open and she's ran off. And you know when you're like, there's going to be somebody. There's going to be somebody. So I had to kind of like open the get the door because the door opens out doesn't

open in so the door opened out you've even got to go leave the cubicles close the door i had to like ship it out and chris was like oh my god are you okay and i was like no shut the door shut the door shut the door it was uh it was it was an ordeal the thing is she'll think that she was being really helpful and you know what she'll think that she was being really helpful and you know what she come out and she was like how's that how's your how's how is your fufu and i and i was like darling that was really great of you to do that she's like you can count on me can't you mom and i was like yeah yeah i can count on you to show my fufu to the world and tell everyone i'm on my period show everyone my bleeding vagina the thing is that's quite sweet about that

is that like she doesn't and it shouldn't be something to be embarrassed about but she doesn't have any shame in telling the whole shopping center and why you know and why should you it's not it's not shameful at all it's just that one thing like i'm all for see my fufu yeah great yeah okay free fufu content you know take it not when it's bleeding no no i feel like that that just ups the level of yeah ups the ante yeah but she she would have thought she's doing a really good thing she was and she's always got your back chris said she even um she even went to the till she picked them up off the shelf she was like mommy uses only these ones oh she knew she knew the brand she picked up the

sanitary towel she went she even used my fucking advantage card what an absolute so in the midst of a panic she even got you your points? Yeah, she got me points. I put it in Chris's wallet on his phone because I was like, if you ever go to Boots and get some baby stuff, you best be clicking that advantage card. So she even got me points.

Brilliant. What an absolute fucking genius. What a superstar. What a superstar. I wish I had a Dottie in my life. You're going to have one. Sadie's going to be there. Yeah, she's going to be there.

She'll be there for me. And it's second child as well. Yeah. She doesn't give a shit. Colby was like, can you just stop talking about mum's period now yeah he's he embarrassed no he's not embarrassed i really hope that one day colby is the lad that if a girl has had a mishap we've spoken about this before yeah that he would help her but i talk quite openly about it because i don't want him i want him to be respectful i want him to you know if he's ever in that situation

to help a girl, maybe a girlfriend, whatever the situation. But he'll happily go and pick them off the shelf. Really? When we're doing the food shop, we'll go past,

and he's like, do you need any sanitary towels? Do you need any? I'll grab them for you. But if they're under the kitchen sink, and I say to him, there's no one else around, I'm like,

Cobbs, can you go and get my sanitary, he's like, yeah, no problem, I'll get your sanitary towels. But yeah, so there we go.

Another, that's the first time that I've ever had the toilet door He's like, yeah, no problem. I'll get you a sandwich. But yeah, so there we go. Another. That's the first time that I've ever had the toilet door issue. In public. We've had the moments where they open the door and they go to go out. But because the door opens in, you can quickly. Yeah. In a small cubicle, you can hold it closed. But not a whole fire door just fucking open.

No, in the middle of a shopping centre. And it's not even a closed shopping centre it's an open shopping centre so people just walking past yeah yeah yeah going about their business just freely everyone's in and out

of the toilet there's people walking through there's a little cut free you can go through so yeah there's a good flow of traffic it was flowing like a heavy flow

it was like my heavy flowed vagina yeah so that was that was great but I'm not embarrassed like even a lady walked past me she was like oh I hearded vagina yeah so that was um that was great but i'm not embarrassed like even a lady walked past me she was like oh i heard your little one saying about your period i was like oh yeah these things happen and you gotta you gotta laugh you gotta embrace it i feel like you can't take it too seriously no you gotta laugh at it that's a classic dot so that is another

that's that's an iconic dotty yeah it really is it's funny when they talk about it though it still cracks me up when the babies talk about it and colby colby said one day that'll be you bleeding out like you're dying maybe let's not let's not talk about this while we're in the middle of just going for a wag of moments let's just go and have some yeah let's not let it go and then they sit at the table and they relive the memory all over again they just keep they keep talking about it and colby's like do you remember a minute ago when you just opened the door mama's foo-foo was out and she was bleeding? On the period. Right, can we stop now?

We're in the restaurant. Do you know what? I'm going to breastfeed till she's five so mine don't come back. Is it? You don't have periods? When you're breastfeeding. I think it's your, I could be wrong, but I think it's your body's way of not letting you get pregnant whilst you are breastfeeding.

Oh, I thought they said you can't have sex when you're breastfeeding because you're really heightened to getting pregnant again. I think it's a bit of a myth that you can't get pregnant when you're breastfeeding. But, because I think that's what happened

to my mum and how I was conceived by accident when my sister was eight months. So was your mum having periods or no periods? No, she, I think she was breastfeeding my sister and didn't think

that she could get pregnant and then she got pregnant with me, which is why there's such a small age gap. But, so I think you can get pregnant while you're breastfeeding but i think the the idea is that your body is protecting you from having another baby when you're already nursing a small baby by not giving you your periods back when you're breastfeeding so did your mum have her periods i don't know actually we need to ask her yeah we need to find out yeah i'll get her on get her on let's get her on that's interesting knowledge though but yeah i would love to know if anybody has experienced this if you have been breastfeeding thought it was okay got pregnant yeah got pregnant again if you did or

didn't have periods i think that's happened to quite a few people so i might be talking absolute shit but do let us know please please we love to know. We love to know. Yeah. Clear any up. Clear up. Clear. Clear any up. Clear up any. Clear up any rumours. Yeah. That's my secret this week. So now let's get some of yours.

We've got three secrets for you we're going to be discussing this week. So Emma, let's take number one. All right. This one says, hi, ladies. I have a secret about travel sickness. My 10 year old has had awful travel sickness, even on short distances. travel sickness my 10 year old has had awful travel sickness even on short distances so i have to make sure i have the sickness supplies in the car which generally consist of strong sandwich bags and baby wipes oh yeah it's become a bit of a thing of what to do with the bag when she's finished emptying her stomach i have to confess my favorite thing to do is put it in someone else's wheelie bin oh if i see a bin up the road i'll lob the bag in if the bin is empty i'll throw the bugger with some force

and it usually bursts. Oh, I don't know how I feel about that. I know it's awful, but I do give up to myself about it. Lots of love from Laura in West Sussex. Laura, that is a hate crime. Laura, I'm not actually going to lie. If someone chucked a bag of vomit in my wheelie bin, I don't know how happy I'd be about that.

And if it splattered and burst all up the sides, I'd be fuming. I bet that's disgusting as well. Babysick. We're just going to offend Laura now. Yeah, I don't know how I feel about... Is it baby sick though? Yeah, well, I don't know how old...

Oh, sorry, 10-year-old. Oh, no, that's full-on human sick. That's human vomit. That's like when they start doing proper poos. That's not okay. No. I don't know how I feel about that, Laura. I'm going to be brutally honest with you.

It's got food in it and everything. Has anyone chucked a bag of vomit in your wheelie bin? Yeah. How would you feel if someone... How would you feel if someone put that? I don't know. I feel like it would be nice to feel it. Oh, like slime kind of. Yeah.

Or like them liquid tabs. I had a weird obsession when I was younger. I used to like squeezing those. Or they keep them away from children. Yeah, they are very, very dangerous. I played, well, I say I played with them. I used to like squidging them my mom used to go mad i was probably about you know 21 um even now i still

love squidging them but do keep them away from babies they are very dangerous but i think i'd like the feel of it in a bag like liquid in a sandwich bag if you knew it wasn't gonna burst yeah if i knew it wasn't gonna burst but i don't think i'd be hauling around bags of sick and i don't think i'd be flinging them into people's wheelie bins i mean don't get me wrong every now and then i walk past drop a bit of rubbish in someone else's wheelie bin do you know what right and i will say this is the children if the children go past on the street and they see rubbish i always do tell them and do correct me if i'm wrong and if this offends anybody i am very sorry but i always say to the babies pick it up because we've seen a dog choking on a bit of rubbish on the side of the road.

And it was very, very awful. Dottie was in the pram and Colby was very little. And it was very traumatic for Colby. So when we go down the road, if we see rubbish, we pick it up and just pop it into the nearest wheelie bin there. Yeah, I would do that. Rather than just leaving it on the road. Yeah, yeah. And if we're out and about, we pick rubbish up and we put it, we do put it in the bin.

But, yeah, I don't know. I don't know how i feel about that no i'm i'm gonna i'm gonna say i'm the jury's out on that one laura yeah i think um i think i'd be quite angry if someone put a bag and tried to make it explode yeah obviously if you said look is i'm so sorry is there any chance i can just put my daughter's sick in your wheelie bin it's a tough one i would say take it home with you and dispose of it like a good citizen down the toilet do you know how i feel about like other people like a piping bag you could just cut the end off and squeeze it down the toilet other babies sick is actually

joseph's never been sick he's never been a sicky baby but our we lend our car seat to our friends who have got a travel sick baby and he was sick in our car seat to our friends who have got a travel sick baby. And he was sick in our car seat. And it was honestly the most disgusting thing. Like we had to basically valet the car seat. It was gross. Did you hear that again? Sadie's just taken another shit. Are you okay, hon?

That was me with my period. No wonder she was fidgeting so much. That was me with my farting fanny and my period blood. Blood is flowing out of you and shit is flowing out of this baby. Wow. Wow, sorry. Your boob is out and she's shitting loads there. Do you mind if we take another break? That wasn't as big as it sounded the first one was

huge was it all up the fanny nothing worse than shitting the fanny oh when she's sitting because that upright position really gets her going yeah it shoots up into the front yeah i don't know how i'd feel about shitting the fanny you're welcome adam but yeah our bin literally smells like a farmyard and i wouldn't i would impose that on anyone else because it's disgusting yeah and i would say it's not okay hun no do you know in japan there's no well in tokyo there was no um no one vomits no public bins so everyone just takes their rubbish home with them and i would say take a leaf out is that or do they just it's the streets littered no it's really really tidy is it it's like famous for being so clean and tidy because

nobody litters or fly tips everyone takes their rubbish home with them yeah god love them so laura take your bag of sitcom with you yeah i would say take you take the take the sitcom and dispose of it yeah because don't inflict that on anyone else and i'm sorry take you take the take the sick home and dispose of it yeah because don't inflict that on anyone else and i'm sorry that you've got a car sick child because that is well that's that bit was overshadowed i am very sorry that she's actually sick in the car that travel sickness is rough sorry i i just had exploding sick in the wheelie bin and yeah we fixated on that we yeah we fixated on that we lost sight of that long so apologies we are very sorry she has travel sickness yeah right sadie hit us with number two because you're all on that today

take it away she's got a lot of number two baby hello ladies i'm an early years practitioner and i just happen to work in the same preschool room that my niece attends my sister-in-law decided that she wasn't happy with some things at the preschool and she wrote a facebook status about it it goes without saying that my colleagues and i saw it and were really upset. I decided not to confront her. A couple of weeks went by and she noticed something was up. I tried to avoid her questioning, but in the end, I was honest and said that her status about my workplace had upset me. I felt a bit disrespected and therefore I've just been focusing on myself. Her response to this was

delete me from social media then no apology no reasoning nothing i decided to ignore this and just explain that i didn't want to fall out over it as we have a fab relationship but i am entitled to explain calmly how i feel no response was given and now i feel awful for speaking up what do i do from anonymous oh my fucking god that has literally made me so so angry the fact that she knows you work in there and she's had the audacity the fucking audacity to write this is the worst thing that could have ever happened was facebook and their statuses this is the problem with social media oh the fact that she even had the audacity to fucking write it on her story on her status yeah not even have any balls to fucking say

something yeah like what the fuck yeah it's even family so you'd be more inclined to talk to them about the issues it'd be bad enough even if your relative didn't work there but the fact that they do work there makes this even worse oh it's made that's it's made me so fucking why do people have to go and put a public thing about it on social media rather than just saying it's the ones just right when people go oh i'm in hospital and then people go oh what's up and they go dm me yeah why why don't put it on there it's just this is the problem with facebook it's just it's a problem it's a problem with social media and i am really sorry you have to go through that i'm really sorry because that is just absolutely and then the childish response just blocked me on social media then yeah do you know what at least own it when you get called out

on it yeah own it yeah have some balls yeah you want to put it out on social media for the whole world to bloody see answer take the bull by the horns yeah grow a pair i think anonymous you were right to raise it you're so right to raise it and i think stick to your guns yeah stick to your guns and it's hard for her as well because that's her work colleagues so not only have you just embarrassed your fucking sister-in-law by doing that bearing in mind people will know that your daughter goes to your sister-in-law's preschool you've done it about her fucking work colleagues yeah like she works with them awkward for her now yeah and for them to be like oh your sister-in-law isn't happy not only have you belittled she's belittled you but also put you in such an awkward position no

stick to your guns i'd be way more angry about the situation you'll be to me you'll be in very you'll be very lovely i think you're being very understanding yeah very understanding and very lovely but awkward like they could fall out over this and they're you've got absolutely yeah and that's just her knees like what the fuck i'm so sorry it's made me very cross with that and the fucking vomit it's really it's a bad start to today's episode today i'm so sorry you've had to go through that i truly believe that i if me personally i could only speak and put myself in this situation i personally would still want a relationship with my niece obviously she's going to the preschool that's great because you basically get to see her without having to have the awkwardness

i personally would stick to to what you're doing you'll be a very amicable very polite obviously if you speak to her regularly i would still be messaging to ask how my niece is i'd want to know how my niece is obviously'd want to know how my niece is obviously i get to see her because she's at at the preschool setting um would i bring it up again probably because i'm that fucking petty bitch to be honest with you but um would i bring it up again yes and i would stick to your guns wouldn't you yeah i'd stick to my guns and i would i think if there's something that the sister-in-law genuinely isn't happy about with the preschool obviously you're entitled to raise it the fucking preschool in person and have a conversation about it.

Don't publicly do it on Facebook and then not own up to it or not be willing to discuss it when you get called out on it. That's immature. That's really, yeah. And that's really hard for her as well. That's her job. That's her job. So I think stick to what you're doing.

Be polite, be amicable. If you want to bring it up, bring it up. You're staying very calm about the situation. that's her job yeah that's her job yeah so i think stick to what you're doing yeah be polite be amicable if you want to bring it up bring it up you're staying very calm about the situation i would have lost your shit i think i would have yeah i would have this is the kind of shit that families fall out over though this is awkward isn't it all families go through it i've fallen i've fallen into a trap of of doing maybe not not probably not that that extreme but there's been times when you know i've done something and it's upset my mom and then they unfriend you don't they but you have to talk about things yeah we're a family of we're talkers we're open yeah we are really open we are big talkers if you bottle it up it'll probably get worse like you pissed me off my sister would say you

pissed me off yeah but they don't go and write a status about it on facebook you know i just i feel i feel really bad for you that's that's really that's really awful but i would just keep doing what you're doing yeah if you're confident in your job working ability i hope your friends at work have taken it okay with a pinch of salt yeah and it's not your fault if you want to bring it up bring it fucking up yeah yeah call her out on it i would do it wait till christmas day do it at the family table if i'm honest with you i would air that i dare that laundry have you sorry i just saw then that sister-in-law isn't it yeah has she gone to her brother yeah i would personally or sister sorry um i would personally go to your brother or sister, your sibling, and speak to them about it.

I would take the middle man out and just say, look, this has happened. What can we do about it? Yeah, what are their thoughts on it? Because if this was me and this was my sister-in-law, so my brother, I would automatically go to my brother and say, this isn't on. This is my place of work. This is also my niece. You're my family. it's your wife or you know sort it out yeah and maybe go down that avenue yeah personally yeah and please let us know please let us know how you get on yeah

let's see what number three has to offer today all right the last one says hello lovely ladies i have a secret that is almost too good to be true i'm'm a 35-year-old who was recently married to my husband and have a little girl at the age of three. We often go to our family's cabin house at Easter every year. Oh! Hey! Someone's doing well. Every year with two other families.

This year, my husband couldn't make it as he had to work. Me and the bubba arrived at the cabin and we're all settling in, sitting around the kitchen having a chat. My three-year-old is on my phone along with another child aged four. They were playing a game together and being quiet. You gave me the eye. I can know where these phone ones are going. Oh, God.

I heard a bing come through on my phone and thought nothing of it. I heard giggling and whispering from my little girl and the four-year-old over the room, but thought nothing of it. We sat down for dinner and my daughter exclaimed, It's going to be a dick. It's going to be a pizza dick, isn't it, on the phone? It's going to be a fucking pizza dick. Are you ready?

The iPad's gone. She's gone. Fuck. Fuck. Sadie, I'm so sorry, baby. I'm so sorry. What in the... No, you were half right.

Wait for this. She says, I was horrified and confused, so I asked her where she learned that. She says, Daddy sent a picture to me of his willy and said... I'm going to make me say it again. I can't wait to eat your pussy up. Oh, I hate the word pussy. Oh, God.

We've had fanny and pussy all in this episode. All in one episode. It's too much. This is a lot. This needs to come with a warning. I've actually got goosebumps, that's made me feel quite sick. I was so embarrassed

and didn't know what to do. Luckily the other parents found it hilarious, I'm sure they did. Does someone want to go instead of me next year from Anonymous? Oh.

I'll go. We'll go. We'll go. Us and the two other families. We'll go on the understanding that you'll come as well. You sound like a riot. Please that you'll come as well um you sound like a riot please can you still come yeah please come please please still come cabin house

at easter's is delightful doesn't it i can't wait to eat your pussy i'm not being funny but dad come on a willy a dick pic and that text with it like what no can categorically, hand on my heart, say that Chris has never sent me a picture of his old pizza dick. Never. No, but not only. Not only. I would be mortified. Not only the Willie picture, the text to go along with it.

What I need to know, girls, is are we getting turned on by Willies? No. Do you get turned on by their Willie? I don't want. I do not want to open my phone and see a big, scary Willie staring at me. Don't send nudes. No. I don't want nudes. I don't want. I do not want to open my phone and see a big scary Willie staring at me. Don't send nudes. No.

I don't want nudes. I don't want nudes. No. And don't send nudes of yourself because they can get into the wrong hands. Why are we talking about eating pussies

while sending a picture off your dick? Wah! Also, I'm not being funny, but you've got three-year-olds. Your sex life should not be that lit. This is wild.

This episode, I need to tap out. My head gone i can't i'm lost i don't even know i need to know i need to know there i put it out there now are we turned on by people's willies because i'm not we get a lot everybody's willy i'm just saying we get a lot we don't get a lot of dick pics we get a lot of stories about parents sending each other nudes and dick pics. What is going on out there? I don't know. These listeners are filth. These are filthy.

Filthy. And the fact you just went straight in with. Can't wait to eat your pussy up. No, that's going to haunt me. Oh, no. I hate that so much. Do you hate that word? Some wet ass pussy.

I would have literally died, I think. Oh, no. Because I'm not aroused by that. I don't so much. Do you hate that word? Some wet ass pussy. I would have literally died, I think. Oh, no. Because I'm not aroused by that. I don't like it. But people obviously do. I also don't know how I'd feel about Chris texting me. That he was going to eat my pussy. No, no, no, no, no.

Right. But people obviously are into it because a lot of people are doing it. We've had a lot of messages like this. Is it just us? Are we the problem? I think we're boring. I'm the problem. It's us.

It's me. Hi. I am boring. It's me. We've obviously done all right because we've got five children between us. I know. We're not going wrong, are we? Yeah.

No. Gone right somewhere. We're doing okay. Oh, Christ. And certainly no eating of any pussies. Thank you so much for sharing your secrets this week. I'm thoroughly traumatised. Everyone is welcome in the Secret Mum Club.

If you'd like to share your secrets with us, you can. The email is hello at secretmumpod.com or with Secret Mum Pod on TikTok and Instagram. Has a blood clot been pulled out of your fanny? Has a blood clot been pulled out of your fanny? Has a blood clot been pulled out of your fanny by a whole hand? Or have your sex been read out during dinner? Let us know. There really is nothing too outrageous.

And keep an eye out for our Thursday episode. And we might not see you next time on the Secret Mum Club. We're going to be fucking cancelled for this episode