Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The First Anniversary!

Episode Date: June 3, 2024

The Secret Mum Club is turning one! Can you bloody believe it? And to celebrate the ladies are throwing a birthday party! There are games, some lovely messages and of course, cake! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, this is The Secret Mum Club. I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. And today we are celebrating our... First birthday! What? We just realised that Emma's not actually good at giving a blowy. I haven't got much lung capacity. Pathetic. Pathetic.

Pathetic. The pod is officially one year old this week. Can you bloody believe it? A year of poo stories. And foo-foo chats. So it's time to celebrate. We're having... Wait.

A birthday party! Woo! Woo! we're having wait a birthday party so let's get excited and party our pants off can you believe it's been a year since we started this podcast absolutely fucking not what a phenomenal how has that fucking happened i know we had sex at the same time we've talked about sex with each other together that hasn't happened yet we've chopped poo so much has happened we've had pink poos brown poos so much poo outside poos inside engagements pregnancies so much so much and two babies in one whole year two babies in one whole year at the same time we literally couldn't have planned it any better we didn't even plan it no but like if we did if we did you couldn't have even planned that no no no you couldn't have no

you could really couldn't have fuck we've packed a lot in fuck we've packed a fuck lots of singing lots of just lots of us just lots of shit you and me yeah we've had a journey at home haven't we a journey at home and what recording at home yes yes working from home welcome back in the room i'm back in the room well three two one i'm very sleep surprised bitch is back we've had lots of tears but a lot lots of laughs not me no but there's still time there's time there's time lots of lols year two is going to be the year that you just ball your fucking eyes out i crack yeah i'm just gonna crack under pressure crack so make a fucking crack crack do you love crack not the crack you bum crack i love a bit of crack so much

bum talk so much poo talk poo talk so much bo talk, so much poo talk. Poo talk. So much boob talk. So many incredible listeners. So many incredible stories and secrets. Yeah. They've just been the best. The most phenomenal people have listened and tuned in. The best are everything

because without them, really, there'd be no podcast. It'd be cancelled. So please keep listening and please keep sending your secrets because we'd be

fucked without you. We literally would. Life would be very fucking boring if we didn't have you. I mean, there's been some highs and lows with those. Yeah. Hasn't there?

Yeah. I've loved it. Have you? I can't even lie. I've had the best time. Who knew that we could make it to a year? I know. We think like just over a year ago, we didn't even know each other.

We didn't know each other. Because loads of people said to me when we started the podcast how do you and sophina know each other so many people who say to me oh how long have you and ever been friends then a year literally we met on this day a year ago it was literally this day anniversary and now look where we are look where we are and she said that we didn't do the podcast anymore she wouldn't be my friend so keep us going yay you said you think we'll still be friends when we're 40 she's my only friend well i feel like our lives now are so similar they're so intertwined they're so intertwined

there's no going back for you just need to move closer because that's it's quite boring i know i know i think i've got it a little baby's the same age renly and sadie are gonna get married when they're older they're gonna be married forever we'll be together they've got no choice imagine they did actually get married though imagine that would be mental yeah and then our birthdays would always be three days our birthdays are the same you've got a wedding to invite us all to you're my maid of honor i'm your maid of honor i'll start planning the head off to the vineyard we're going to the chateau in the south of france i can't wait i know so much to look forward so much we're going to the Chateau in the south of France. I can't wait. I know. So much to look forward to. So much.

We're going to take you all with us as well. But I don't think another year, like we can't ever have another year that's going to obviously replicate the year that we've had. No, because this has been wild. You've got engaged. We both turned 35. Do you know what I was thinking though?

I feel like my engagement was a little bit overshadowed now by the babies. So I asked Chris if he could do it again. Already? He said no. I was i was like oh maybe a new ring like now that i'm a mum of three or that could be my engagement ring when i was two yeah mum of two now i'm a mum of three you need a push present that's what they call it isn't it i did get a push present did you what did you get chris bought me a registration for the car oh yeah a personalized one yeah i feel like it was more for him though you know yeah it was it's just it's nice it's the

baby's initials oh lovely can i say that no probably not well that people aren't going to be able to identify you no that's not your whole registration no it's not my whole registration don't fucking steal my reg and then rob a bank don't come for me that would be fucking weird but yes it's a nice it was a nice present yeah it's very lovely yeah um i didn't get fuck all so stefan if you're listening do you have an eternity ring yet no oh fucking all i've got which i'm not wearing at the moment actually why haven't you put yours back on because i people keep thinking i'm gonna have an affair me and people always like oh she's not wearing her engagement ring because they've split up it's not it's because i don't want to scratch my baby.

Yeah. That's why I took mine off. Because it's sharp. Yeah. I took it off the cesarean initially. Yeah. Because you weren't allowed to wear any jewelry. I took it off because I was looking for someone else.

Not looking for someone else. Yeah. Eight months pregnant, just looking for somebody else. And then I just never put it back on because I thought it's going to scratch her. Yes. I do the nappies and stuff anyway. So I'm not wearing it at the moment. But no, all I've got is my engagement ring,

my wedding ring, and then he got me a necklace when we got engaged. Right, so fan power. This is to up your game. Two kids later and I've had nothing. Yeah. And she's taken them out the sunroof as well. Yeah.

And you didn't even tell her about how she doesn't need any surgery on her belly button. I was moaning about my saggy postpartum belly button the other day. You weren't, you were moaning about your pouch. My pouch. I've got a little pouch, obviously, because I've had two children.

And I said to Stefan, oh, do you think I'll ever get rid of this little pouch? He answered incorrectly. Instead of no, darling, you look absolutely perfect. He said, I'm sure you will once you start exercising again. Even I felt the tension in the room and I wasn't even fucking there you just relived it what's your excuse for your pouch you've birthed no children don't because he's trying to fast

yeah he's fasting he's on a restricted calorie diet and he's trying to work out but he's trying to work out but you know he's trying to lose his pouch from carrying two babies yeah but um yeah so stefan sort your shit out mate yeah get the engagement yeah no eternity get the eternity ring the push present and then you want to get re-engaged and start planning the wedding yeah yeah and you can't come to the wedding stefan until you've bought emma an eternity ring yeah he'd be like great that's my excuse not to have to go to that crazy bitch's wedding he just talks about shit all the time yeah he'll be like that's my get out of jail free card thank you very much he told us that we should call it the shit mum's club didn't he

he said all we talk about is shit and he hates that as well he hates toilet talk so it's not the podcast for him thank god he doesn't listen it's a safe space though it's a safe space for me to slag him off and i know that you'll never hear it doesn't even know emma does truly love stefan and i do i do but she She just loves to moan about him Yeah I feel like that's healthy though Yes I was gonna say

It's a realistic relationship Yeah What's your relationship If you're not slagging off your husband Exactly Come on I don't really Can't really slag Chrissy off

To be honest Because he just He does the most Doesn't do anything wrong No Wait till you get married He's pretty perfect Nah

He does do things that piss me off He'll go downhill after marriage. Doesn't. Yeah. Maybe we won't get married. Yeah, don't do it. Maybe I'll just leave myself open for options. Open to offers.

To all the daddies. So that's a whopping year. We're still here, slagging off the boys. Holding the babies. Holding the babies. Sadie's back on the boob. Well, I was going to say we weren't holding the babies this time a year ago i know who knew that we would have sat there from our first ever record yeah you and me yeah together getting to know each other that we would

be telling each other that we're both pregnant i know bear in mind i fully thought my curtains were closed i remember the day you came in you were like you hadn't been feeling very well i was so sick and i was like i bet she's gonna say she's pregnant you were and as soon as she said i've got something to tell you i was like i knew i was obviously pregnant i was like it was it was the lead up wasn't it but we told you and you were like so am i and i wasn't gonna tell you yet but then when you were like i've got something to tell you i was like well blow me down i'm gonna have to tell but it was the fact that we were sat down in the caf didn't we a week couple of weeks before and I knew so I was like I wonder if I put the feelers out like if you were pregnant would you tell me that you were pregnant and it was so weird because obviously I knew I was pregnant

and I was like I came home and said to Stefan she's bloody psychic she fucking knows I'm pregnant she asked me today about being pregnant and then we were both the fact that you looked at me on the table and looking back I was like she knew yeah she knew but she didn't tell me yeah yeah and then the day you told me i was like you're joking me too and then i thought that was a joke journey together and now we've got babies that aren't even newborns anymore that's such a sad thing to say isn't it when you reach that 12 weeks 12 weeks and past is not nick class's newborn anymore you're out of the fourth trimester you are and you've just got a baby. Devastating. It's just a baby.

So the only way we can make next year live up to the last year, I used to have another baby. Imagine we both had twins though the next time round. That'd be fucking wild, wouldn't it? We're pregnant and we're having twins. These are basically twins though.

Yeah. Just not, we just got one each. Fraternal, is it fraternal? No. Fraternal or identical, isn't it? Non-identical twins. Born two weeks apart. Two weeks apart.

Two weeks apart. Also from two different vaginas. Well, one's from the vagina, one's from the belly. They're not similar at all really. Not at all. One's a boy, one's a girl. They don't even look slightly the same. They wouldn't.

They don't have the same parents. What do we say? Sadie's really long and tall. Renly short and fat yeah like a short fat and hairy yeah a little round he's like a little dumpling like a ball isn't he yeah he's like a little pudding i don't know i feel like he's quite long he just likes his mummies he's dense but again you are you're a little bit of a cluster feeder aren't you she a cluster feeder well she's basically always on the baby she's little and often she's a dummy excuse there's a dummy basically whereas ren is just straight up drench as a bottle yeah loves it he's down in pints already he is down in pints lad

loads loads loads isn't it weird a sperm made these and an egg that tiny little sperm have i told you this on the on the podcast before but i always think about the sperm semen, right? And how much of it... What, like men at sea or actual? No. Okay. Actual cum.

S-E-M-E-N. Oh, Ren's just farted. Did you hear that? I did. Takes after his mum has to get down with the trumpets. Do you ever think about how much just like gets thrown away and goes to waste? And actually every little bit of that could make another human. It blows my mind.

It blows my mind that people swallow that into their stomachs.s yeah and there's just tiny little tadpoles in your tummy swimming around yeah as if nothing mattered yeah or the fact that they're just in them little bags of balls just yeah tiny little sacks but just swimming around but like a lot of it just goes like you're carrying loads of little tadpoles in your willies every day yeah just swimming around and then when it comes out like it goes down the toilet or in the bin. Yeah. And that could be a human baby. And they're just wriggling around in there.

Isn't that mental? Just tickling and wriggling. Closed my tiny mind. It closed my tiny mind. Anyway, more of this scientific chat to come in the next year on the podcast. Stay tuned. Yeah, stay tuned. Because we love spam.

Obviously, because it makes babies not i don't swallow all right anywho so moving on swiftly what a year it's been it's an absolute whopper that's basically what's to come here's to many more here's to many more years now we did say this would be a party and there's only one way to really get in the mood and that's a birthday party oh yeah go, which one? Pass the parcel. I'll take your baby if you take mine. We'll just pass them back and forth.

So we're playing pass the parcel, but with a twist. Some of the layers have secrets in them. I don't even know about this, and I'm just fucking excited to read this. So let's just get playing, shall we? Are you ready? I'm ready. Are you ready?

Are you ready? Are you ready for love? Yes, I am. I'm ready. Are you ready? Are you ready? Are you ready for love? Yes, I am. Contenders ready. Right. The parcel is retrieved. Are you ready? Ooh.

There's a reason that Emma reads secrets and you're going to find out why. Okay. So this is a start the year as we mean to go on. Safina's going to take. We're taking it in turns. Reading lessons. Okay.

Right. Hi, beautiful ladies. Hi. Your birth stories had me thinking about my overshare 13 years ago. Before we lived together, I sent my now husband a topless photo. Oh, 13 years ago. She was ahead of the trend. Somehow, I accidentally sent it to my father-in-law to be.

In a panic. In a panic, I called my partner and sent him off to find his dad's phone and delete the message. But when he got the phone, it had already been deleted. Oh, no. So he definitely saw it. Fuck, he saw it. Fair play for deleting it, though. Nothing was said.

And eventually, I could look him in the eye again. Oh. Now, fast forward seven years and I had just given birth to our second child. I shuffled to the toilet with my husband helping and just as I was pulling off my nightdress with my full food concho, who walked past the door? The now father-in-law. My husband left the toilet door open and his dad got the full post-birth show.

He awkwardly smiled, nodded and carried on to see his new grandchild. I bet he was like, ain't nothing I ain't seen before from this one. Yes, seen those tits before. My husband and I laughed about it now and my father-in-law has never said a word. For some reason,

I've always been his favourite daughter-in-law. Fuck off. Love, Emma Jones. in law has never said a word for some reason i've always been his favorite daughter-in-law fuck off love emma jones love anonymous oh my god he probably didn't come into shock because he's already seen our baps do you know what i reckon he was like i bet a nice pair of tits i think i think he got off on it a little do you think he wanted to check him out again yeah i think he done it on purpose he was letting her know like i've seen him before and i'll see him again listen girl you don he wanted to check him out again? Yeah, I think he'd done it on purpose. He was letting her know, like, I've seen him before and I'll see him again. Listen, girl, you don't have to worry. I've got your back.

Yeah. And I fall foo-foo too. Oh, God. The post-birth foo-foo's are not the best. It's not the one, is it? I wouldn't say so. But that's it. We're going to pass the parcel.

Let's go. Passing it to you. Da-da, da-da. It's like passing the baton. Oh, my favourite song. Yes! I'll leave the table with you. Sorry, Wim.

God, the song I hear 10,000 times a day. It's the soundtrack to her life. Soundtrack to my life. Thank you, Joseph. Thank you, Joseph. All right. I'm ready. Ready for...

It's some Starburst. There is one under your seat. Go. Oh. This is a party in our house. Oh, do you know what's in here? Foo-foo cream? Which I should give to you.

Fuck. It's a little pseudo cream, but it's been doctored by Maz to say foo-foo cream. My girl. I'll give that to you to give to Dots. You have a foo-foo you need to cream. Yeah, but- Not your own, your daughter's.

Dottie calls it foo-foo cream. She loves a foo-foo cream. I feel like that's one for her. Put that on the table. Oh, and I've got a Kinder Bueno bar here, which I'm going to open because I'm always starving. She's always hungry. Sadie's constantly sucking-

You didn't get a secret. Sucking the calories out of my body. You've got to pass it back. I've got to pass it back now? Yeah. Sorry, guys. Give me back my parcel. All right, off we go while I tuck into my Kinder Bar.

Put it on the table. Shimmy it over. Ready? Hey. Hey. Uh-oh. Oh. Hold on.

Uh-oh. Right. This is so much fun, isn't it? I said, hey, boy, sitting in the tree. Won't you come down and get a room for me? Don't be shy. Get straightened up your tie. Get down from the tree.

Whoa! That's a proper old school pass the parcel present. Do you want to know what I just got? Cheaper Smarties. Fucking hell, yes, I did. Yes. Do you want some of them, Bab? I've also got some sweets in my fufu.

Do you want those? I don't know what's in my flange. Hey! Sorry, Sadie. Oh, fuck. We're raining. We're raining men. I'm making a right mess here. I can't move because I've got a baby on me.

I've got another secret. Don't be gel. Right, are you ready? Mm-hmm. Hi, ladies. I had a breastfeeding mishap. I actually might just take your job and do these. Maybe we should have a week where we swap. Hold on. Am I on the birthday no no i'll keep you we're just have a role reversal

right maybe we should have a week where i take your role you take mine so you come in with your secret yeah okay yeah watch out for the next year guys we've got some big changes any who's he hey ladies i had a little breastfeeding mishap after having my son, who is now 11 months old. I was struggling to feed him, so I tried pumping. It made things worse because my tits ended up, I like straight in with the tits. Tits ended up like two rock hard watermelons. I spoke to my midwife and she recommended strapping cabbage leaves to these puppies with a sports bra to help with the pain and the size of them. Yes. I was amazed because my tits were so hot they

actually cooked the cabbage leaves the smell was horrendous did you never do that no i've heard of it before oh mine's stank and i never used them ever again i put cabbage leaves in the freezer years later i found the cabbage leaves it was rank she cooked the cabbage leave yeah because your body gets so hot and you just smell of kabash you could fry an egg on that kabash soup then came the time i needed to take the bra off because the mix of cabbage and breast milk with Your body gets so hot and you just smell of cabage. You could fry an egg on there. Cabage soup. Then came the time I needed to take the bra off because the mix of cabbage and breast milk with a hint of underboob sweat was killing me. I was in so much pain that I called my sister over to help me as I couldn't lift my arms. As my sister lifted the sports bra over my head, my tits turned into sprinklers and sprayed all over her face. More breast milk.

She panicked and tried to cover the spray, leaving my arms in the air. Stuck in the sports bra, my squirting boob. Covered the bathroom with milk. Safe to say, she never offered to help me again. Oh my God,

that's a real Keiji Perry moment, isn't it? From Annie. Annie. Fuck, that is wonderful. What what an absolute can you imagine annie like wow the tits are going she's got cabage leaves in her face she stinks she stinks she's probably dry yakking can you imagine oh god god what an experience annie babes that was a whopper of a story. Right, we're going to go. Hold on. 21 seconds to go.

So if you love me, let me know. Let me in the studio. I got 21 seconds before I got to go. Did you see me on the video? Did you see me on the video? I got it. She's retrieved it. Let me in the studio. I got 21 seconds before I got to go.

21 seconds. Ta, ta, ta. 21 seconds. Ta, ta, ta. 21. Remember that time when So Solid Crew got in touch? Romeo shared our... Romeo Dan.

Romeo Dan only commented on our social medias. They wanted to collab, didn't they? Bewitched, follow me. Oh, what have you got? Oh, hello. Are these phone charms? Stop it. Oh my God.

Please tell me it's a thingy. We've got personalized... Is it bum holes? Do you remember those? Do you know what's on yours? Okay, so they say SMC, Secret Mum Club. Of course. And they've got all our Is it bum holes? Do you remember those? Do you know what's on yours? Okay. So they say SMC, Secret Mum Club. Of course.

And they've got all our favorite things on them. So the pink mic muffs that we use. Nice muffs. Yours has got... Can you guess what's on yours? A poo knife. A poo emoji. With a knife.

And glow sticks. My girl. Do you know also, are these from the company that made the recreation of your bumhole the keyring bumhole yeah are they no that was a whopper of an episode that was that was and mine's got a cow on it obviously and a dummy and a dummy yeah one for jojo one for sadie oh god i love you guys gotta love you all right ready you've got no secret no

secret again god you're really coming for my fucking job. No, I don't want to say it, but... I'm not needed here anymore. No. Ready? Fuck a cow. This song will never be the same again. Fuck a cow.

Fuck a cow. Won't you take me to... Fuck a cow. It might be a little wet. Fuck a cow. Right, are you ready? I'm ready. Is it going to be a secret?

Oh, God, that was so good! This is too much fun. Oh, God, there's presents in here too. What did we get? Oh! Skittles! I mean, I don't want to say you've snoozed your loose, bitch. Hey, I've got the key rings.

Do you want the quinda? Fucking hell. She's a ninja caught that between she's a ninja between my fingers between my fingers right you ready i'm ready you're the scar between my toes can i just say we're gonna be off our skits on sugar well at least i've eaten this many sweets after everyone trolled us for being drunk with our children fucking hell right you ready, you ready? I'm ready. Hello, ladies. When my son was about three and had just started potty training, he and my daughter were playing. The next minute,

he told me he had a surprise for me. Surprise, how old are you? He opened his hands to show a little tissue parcel he had made. As I started opening it, he very loudly shouted, it's my poo! He thought it was the best gift ever.

All the best, Hannah. Oh, bless him. That is utterly, utterly cutesy, isn't it? He probably thought that's what you really wanted because you really encouraged them. Yeah, you encouraged them to... Oh, yeah, go on. Do a poo.

Go on. Yeah, good one. So exactly what I want is... This together and we know that we are. We're all stars and we see that. It's a lot slower, the original, isn't it? We've dressed it up a bit. Ours is the new age

when we stand hand in hand make our dreams come true together together together everyone love it i've got a belch coming up gone no no i think it's gone where does it go back inside you yeah it'll come back out love that we were both there with that then are you gonna have a secret oh no it's the final thing oh my gosh oh my god do you know these are well they're not pajamas for you and me oh fucking hell it's merchandise secret mom club baby bears renly's in the blue one. And Sadie's in the Secret Mum Club pink one. Oh, my God.

That is the most adorable thing in the whole entire world. Stop it. Ready, Renners? Look at these. Oh, my God, guys. Merch coming to you. Merch coming to you. Merch coming to you. Secret Mum Club. Coming to you soon.

Merch. Childcare range. Childcare. Child's wear. What am I saying? Children's wear. Look at these. Oh, I love it.

Thank you so much. Thank you so much. What an absolute whopper of a year. That's been wild. That's been so mental, hasn't it? Yeah. I still can't get over that we made a year. I that's more than relationships do to be honest we made a year and we made two babies we did go us don't forget you can share your secrets with us respond to what we've been

talking about or just say hello yeah you can find us on t and Instagram. Just search for Secret Mum Pod. Or you can email us hello at secretmumpod.com. We'll be back with more birthday shenanigans after this. So welcome back to the Secret Mum Club's first birthday party. Now we've had a bit of fun with a game and some presents, I'm told we have some special messages. Let's have a listen, shall we? I'm a tree. Hi, Emma and Soph.

Happy first anniversary of the Secret Mum Club podcast. Thank you so much for normalising motherhood, for getting me through the bad days and making me laugh constantly. Lots of love, Holly. Oh, Holly. Hi, Emma. Hi, Safina. It's Helen here from Stoke-on-Trent. I just want to say a huge happy birthday to the Secret Mums Club. Can't believe it's 12 months already. I think you girls are absolutely amazing. Lots of favourite moments listening throughout the last 12

months, but I do have to say that Itchy Legs was one of my all-time favourites. Love it. Always manages to make me smile. Keep up the good work, girls. Lots of love. Oh my gosh. Hey ladies, James here. Happy first birthday from one of the daddies in the audience.

My personal favourite moment is when Dottie exposed Chris's pizza dick to the world. Looking forward to another high opinion year. Keep being the amazing mums that you are. Aww. Hey y'all, it's Kaz from Scotland. Want to just wish Safina and Ema a happy first anniversary with a secret mum pod. Doing amazing. Love of it, hilarious. It wet my pants funny.

Wet my pants funny! Hi, it's Sarah here and I wanted to say a quick hello to Saf and Emma and congratulate you both on your first year of the Secret Mum Pod and what an incredible year it's been. My most favourite moment has to be the itchy leg secret. If you know, you know. You know, you know. Hi, Sophie and Emma.

I can't believe it's been a year since the Secret Mum Club. I just want to say a huge thank you for the laughs that you bring with each podcast and for making my day that little bit more bearable. Don't ever change and keep being you. Oh, this is too much oh why was that so emotional you're crying we said they're the best they're the best they're the best the best listeners oh how incredibly lucky are we so lucky that is so funny they were lovely to add to it you i think you've got is that a leaky tip no i think that's sadie i think

it's sadie i think it's sadie that's dribble yes i was gonna say that the only thing that can top this moment is your leaky boob oh how incredibly oh they were lovely thank you what a range of accents what a lovely gift and go on james yeah james being the daddy just hold on to the daddies good representing oh gosh how i don't there's just no words is that they were lovely thank you you can't ever explain how it feels can you there's something about a voice note as well isn't there that's like more personal than a yes written message than a written message because you get to hear we went all across the uk even it wasn't the fact that somebody else had played it in their voice like read it and it was somebody else's voice it was their actual messages yeah they kindly sent their own oh how incredibly

god love them so thank you so much for those lovely messages yes so many memories from the past year our birthday special is coming to an end but no birthday party but but no birthday but no birthday party would be complete without a little cake ah my favorite as joseph says my favorite my favorite is cake oh my god we've got our own cake toppers how incredibly adorable oh you're they're different as well i know you're lolling in your one and i'm smiling nicely then you're smiling nicely in this one and you're i think these were um were they pictures that holly took some of them no or they're from stills from the podcast i have no idea are we gonna sing happy birthday yeah ready happy birthday to us. Happy birthday to us.

Happy birthday to us. Happy birthday to us. Oh, were you good at giving a blowy on the candle? Oh, my gosh. Oh, these are adorable. Well, that was freaking incredibly cute. What a birthday party. So thank you to everyone for keeping us company in the Secret Mum Club for the past year.

I know, we really wouldn't have been able to do all of this without you sharing your secrets and messages each and every week. And if you'd like to share your secrets with us, you can. Please email us, hello at secretmumpod.com or we're secretmumpod on tiktok and instagram there really is nothing too outrageous and we'll be back on thursday and here's to another year in the secret