Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Fu Fu Sideburns

Episode Date: April 22, 2024

The birthing stories continue this week with Emma telling us all about her c-section experience and a listener getting in touch about her own surprise birth! It doesn't stop there though (unfortunately), because we're getting up close and personal with afterbirth too, and it's safe to say we're all off fruity drinks for a little while after hearing this story. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello this is the secret mum club i'm safina and i'm emma and this podcast is a safe space for mums everywhere a safe space to share our secrets because we all have secrets don't we and as we know sharing is caring you don't even have to tell us who you are yet you can keep that to yourself you can be anonymous and those secrets can be serious or silly all secrets are welcome in the secret mom club tell me about your week tell me about your week because technically there was a whole lot of me last week and we need a bit more of you. We want to know how was the experience because we talked about me and my trauma. Yeah. But we need to know about yours.

All right. So, yes, and not in the last week, technically. This was like, what would it be now? Three weeks ago? Three weeks? Three weeks ago? Yeah. Oh. I get so sad when you realise how fast time's going, do you?

Oh, I just can't handle it. And then, like, the baby grow. We're still not out of the baby grow first size that we were in, but we're peaking close to it. I just don't think I'm ready to move him up to the next size. I'm not ready. We're still in the up to one month baby grows. We're in newborn. We're waiting to move him up to the next size. I'm not ready. We're still in the up to one month. We're in newborn.

We're waiting to go into up to one month. Oh, we're not even in the nought to threes yet, but it's always a sad day when you've got to retire them, isn't it? Yeah. But yeah, so elective cesarean, I can tell you all about it. Here's what you could have had. Here's what I missed out on. So please do enlighten

me do you know what it was a um a very weird experience that actually took me by surprise so with my first child I had an emergency cesarean and I came away from that like with a really positive experience of it but Stefan is always like I think you're misremembering because you were on loads of drugs but I'm like no no I remember it really clearly it was it was great like everyone was very professional and I think by that point when I had Joseph I'd been in labor like all day and I think compared to the pain of having contractions going into theater and having the cesarean to me seemed like a relief like when they were like we think you should have a cesarean,

can you sign the forms? I was like, yes, please. Let's just get this baby out. And I was like, happy to go down and do it. And it moves so fast when it's emergency, doesn't it? Yeah, we were down there within the space of like, I mean, mine wasn't like emergency, emergency. It was just like, we think we should get this baby out now.

And I think within like 45 minutes, the surgery was done. So elective this time, really weird experience. Like we just got up, went to the hospital in the morning, got on Uber at like 6.30. They said be in by 7.30. It's like turning up to catch a flight. You get there with your bags, you check in and then that's it.

And then you just wait. You're not allowed to eat anything. So they were like, yeah, just hang out in the hospital. Just chill out for a couple of hours. Went down to Costa Coffee, watched Stefan eat a sausage back. Oh, I was about to say, did you watch him eat? And then all you want to do is just punch them in the face? I did, yeah.

Like hope you choke on that sausage down your throat. I did, yeah. I couldn't even have a cup of tea. It was... Devastating. It was devastating. And we were meant to be in at quarter past 10 having the cesarean which you know I didn't expect to run on time to be honest because

anything can happen like emergencies can come in and they go ahead of you which obviously is totally fair enough so we're just waiting up in our room waiting waiting waiting and then I think eventually a couple of emergencies came in ahead of us and I think eventually we went into theatre at like I think it was about 20 past two in the afternoon so we were there quite a while the while yeah going for all the checks and stuff they give you the sexy stockings to put on I watched Stephanie another meal he goes and gets a meal deal from M&S for lunch so that was nice and then they were like uh the anaesthetist came in and she was like right it's go time like let's go go go before another emergency comes in ahead of you like stan swallowing a sandwich honestly he was mid plowman's and she was like right get up let's

go go go uh we were like oh shit right okay march us down the corridor next thing you know you're on the theater bed leaning forward while they put the spinal in and um she's like sorry it seems like a bit of a rush i just wanted to get you guys like done now so you didn't miss out on the like the next the next slot kind of thing we were like oh okay okay and then it was just like the weirdest experience like you have that spinal and it's it takes effect really quickly so they lay you down on the bed and they kind of tilt the bed. So you're not laying directly like all the weights not on your spine. Yeah. And it's just so disorientating. Like they start spraying this cold spray on you to make sure you're numb. And just really quickly,

like you can't feel anything. They're pumping drugs in through your cannula. You feel really like disorientated because spaced out, so spaced out because the bed's off center and like everyone's coming around and the whole team introduces themselves to you there's probably like 10 or 12 people in theater like so many people doing all these different jobs and they were all amazing and so professional and it was just so quick but just like it just took me by surprise like how quickly these drugs hit you. And you go from being like up on your feet and conscious to just so spaced out. I felt really out of control and just all this stuff was going on around me and people were like continuing to

talk to me like normal. And I was like, oh, it's becoming like a real effort to even like have a conversation. Like, I feel like, I don't know a real effort to even like have a conversation like I feel like I don't know I just felt like like you're really drunk or something or you've done loads of drugs which I don't know what that feels like but this is what I imagine it feels like it was just it was just weird are there any drugs in the house yeah if so take them all now I did take them if there are you better give them to me immediately the anesthetist just kept coming up to me and being like putting this in your cannula now giving you a shot of adrenaline giving you an anti-sickness drug giving you this thing now I was just like I'll take all

the drugs please I was high as a kite I didn't know what was going on so yeah it was um it was just a bit of a shock to the system I think like they were amazing but it was just not as kind of calm as I expected and the the drugs made me really shaky because apparently have you heard about this apparently your body is um numb but it doesn't know why it's cold so in response it's shaking see this is what I was all prepared for this so I googled all this my I'd spoken to my midwife yeah so she basically said because your body doesn't understand why it's numb, it sends like shocks from your brain, which triggers your body to move

because it's got no understanding as to why it doesn't move. So you just shake. Yeah. Like an adrenaline shake. Do you know what? Probably should have done a bit of research before I went into this procedure.

Because I was like- Well, you'd already had it before. So I think you're in the nicest way possible i think you just like well i've done it before like i'll like i go in and have a baby because i'm like well i've had two through my vagina before i'll just fucking have another do it again yeah it was fucking mad as we know no two experiences are the same but yeah i thought i thought it was going to be similar to last time and it wasn't. It was totally, totally different. And it just really... So did you get music?

Yeah, we did. We had classical music playing on the speaker, which they complimented us on, our playlist. Yeah, because we had the same thing with Joseph when he was born, which was obviously that last minute decision. Oh, I wanted some wet ass pussy. I know, I know. I should have gone with...

So disappointed. I should have gone with so disappointed i should have gone with something a little bit more interesting but because we should have let me make your playlist i know or we should have got the listeners to do it that would have been a that would have been fun i'm gonna have to have another baby so that we can do oh we'll do that for the next one yeah just for emma though not for me yeah yeah no not four is four is too many um i feel like the other four's even, isn't it? Yeah.

Are you going for an even number? I think the idea is appealing, but in hindsight, one, I don't think my vagina could handle it. I think my vagina is literally like, do you know what, hun? It's holding on for dear life. There's not much left of it, to be honest. It doesn't resemble a foo-foo anymore. I don't really know.

I do think with pregnancy in general as well, like it's a lot of strain on your body. I actually don't think I could do it again. And I think to have a third cesarean, this is what cracked me up. The surgeon came straight over after the baby was out and said, have you got a plan for contraception? Yeah, to not touch him.

I was like, I've literally, I've just birthed my baby. And she was like, well, it's not good to get pregnant again too soon after cesarean so what's your plan what made me laugh is they asked me after having the baby and i was like i'm generally and they were like no no we have to take this really seriously what like what's your thoughts no generally i'm not fucking touching him yeah he's not welcome in my house if he comes anywhere near me i will junk punch his penis straight off yeah i'm not fucking around. And she was like, no, no, I'm not joking. You're like, no, nor am I.

I'm not joking. I've not had sex with him for nine months. I can. Since conceiving this child, I haven't had sex with him. I can do it for the rest of my life. Believe me. I can. Trust me.

If there was an award for this, I would be down. Winning. Emma still had sex during hers. Me, itchy legs. Fuck that shit. No, I turned to the surgeon and I was like, well, I'm never going to have sex again, obviously. And she was like, okay, good one.

Good one. No, no. No, no, really. I've only ever done it three times in my life, obviously. Yeah. Mum and dad. That's it, I'm retiring. Yeah.

But I'm with you. I felt like, and I didn't want to be like, oh, the older I'm getting, but I don't necessarily think it's the fact that I'm older. I think it's because I've had, carried two before, and it's been 10 years since my cervical surgery. It's been five years since I had a baby in there. And I think because my body's kind

of got back and laxed into its normal ways for me personally I just think it was a shock on my body my body was just like fuck this hun yeah I totally agree it's a lot of strain it's a lot of stress as well like at the beginning of the pregnancy like I was really anxious about stuff going wrong and then you have obviously like the physical strain of carrying this massive baby around then you have the if you have a cesarean major surgery which I've had you know sliced twice over the same scar line now on my body like I just don't think I don't know how people do it three four five times I don't think I could do it again it is huge isn't it it is so huge and I I'm I'm fully with you is that I just you know I'm so incredibly grateful but I was so stressed

like right at the start I was really stressed and I think I was more stressed because this time round the children understood yeah like with you andph not saying that it would be any different or mean any less or be worse for me but when i was pregnant with dotty and colby and joseph colby was joseph's age i was kind of a bit like he if anything was to happen he's not going to remember obviously we had a miscarriage um and colby colby doesn't know he doesn't remember we lost them and it was insanely sad and we've moved on from it i felt pregnant with dotty but i spent the whole time just being so anxious yeah but this time round i felt so much more pressure and stress and the fact that colby was sad when i was in hospital

he was sad when i had to go in for appointments he was sad like he'd be like everything's going to be okay with the baby isn't it and my heart would then go because I'd be like yeah yeah yeah of course everything's going to be fine but in hindsight you don't actually know no you never know no it's yeah it's a lot so I think um I think this is us tapping out but yeah just a wild wildly different experience to yours like just like I say went into theatre at 20 past two by 10 past three i think she she was born at 301 and by 10 past three we're back out onto the ward it was just isn't that mad and then renly was born at 330 ah so we're like in the three o'clock hour as well yeah just yours is afternoon we were early hours oh you were early hours in the morning yeah well joseph

was like a quarter to midnight so he was late at night which i actually preferred because then we came out onto the ward and it was like nighttime and it was all quiet and i had my tea and toast and me and stefan seemed to be the only ones there and i loved that period with joseph whereas like when we came out with sadie we came back out onto quite a busy hospital ward it was just like the middle of the afternoon it was on a friday and i have to say the experience of being in hospital over a weekend, we had her on the Friday and we were discharged on the Sunday was not great. Like, I mean, every individual we dealt with, amazing, obviously love our NHS and it's no one's fault, but just there were not enough staff and just things were just like, it took me so long to get discharged with my medication because there was no pharmacist on duty and I you know I collected all my colostrum to take into hospital to give to the baby and the syringes they lost all of that when I gave it to

them to put in the fridge like I didn't have the best experience so I was quite looking forward to getting home I know quite looking forward to getting home this time which was totally different to last time i had yeah i felt like i had the best time but um but here we all are we went in on a friday the other day in the ward when i was in the hospital i shit you not there was not one empty bed it was rammoed went in there on friday like two weeks after to drop some thank you gifts into the ward i shit you not there was one woman on the whole ward right this is so weird i was saying this to stefan the other day because when we went in to have joseph and i went into natural labor i was like i really want to have the birth pool and they were like yeah if it's available on the day great but there's only one

of them and i was like oh well there'll probably be someone else in there we went in and they were like um yeah there's literally no one else uh in labor at the moment so the the birthing pool's all yours i was like what where where are all the birthing women like where where are all the pregnant where's all the pregnant ladies at where my pregnant ladies where my pregnant ladies i couldn't believe it like a busy hospital in central london and there was no one else giving birth at the same time as me like what the hell I there was loads when I was in labour like loads on the labour ward when I was in and wasn't it funny isn't it funny because I you I feel like you never forget that moment of being on the labour ward you maybe not have been able to experience it but like

when I was on there with Colby it was uh was it no Colby's was my quietest and then dotsy's was a busy busy ward it was massively busy and then renly's was hugely busy is it just like certain times of year and more busy for having babies is that what it is no because it's dotty um september yeah september is the busiest month to have a baby. Yeah, I feel like because we all had them over, we felt, we conceived them at Christmas. So they're like Christmas babies, aren't they? Yeah, well, that's what happens, I think. September is a really popular month to have a birthday because everyone gets frisky at Christmas.

And also people do plan to have their babies in September. So they're the oldest in the school year. So that's why. I wish she was the youngest of the school year. That's you got with Colby isn't it an August birthday I did I got an August and you know their birthdays do you want to know something funny go on so I he's baby number seven in our family so he's grandchild number seven to my mum and dad had him in room number seven number seven's my lucky number also number seven is Colby's birthday. So he is born on the 7th of the 8th. So he's 7'8". Dottie's born on the 8th of the 9th.

So she's 8'9". So it's 7, 8, 8, 9. Renly's born on the 9th. So they are birthdays of 7, 8, 9. But he's 9th of the 3rd, but he's our third baby. So like, you know when I'm all funny with all numbers. Yeah, I love stuff like that. I find it so fascinating. And he's 9'3", and he's our third baby so like you know when i'm all funny with all numbers yeah i love stuff like that and he's nine three and he's our third baby and their birthdays are seven eight nine love that

i love stuff like that oh it's sexualize when they were like oh you could have him on the 24th of march i was like doesn't really go with my numbers no but then 24 3 2 4 i was after like a nice date of birth because with joseph being born on the 9th of the 2nd when i went in for my emergency cesarean i was like look i really don't like odd numbers can we wait until after midnight make it the 10th of february and they were like not really it's an emergency situation so i'm gonna get him out now um so i'm forever annoyed that his birthday's on the 9th because i don't like that number oh but now he matches well readily now matches jason yeah i've just got a weird thing about odd numbers you know i feel like even numbers are like they just feel nicer yeah no i i totally get it so

when sadie's 22 she's 22 but then three three three three is not happy but she's 22 3 24 at least they're both born on even years yeah 20 2022 and 2024 yeah fine i'll take that yeah but even her birthday date so her numbers are 22 3 24 so she's 2 2 3 2 4 yeah so it's like 2 3 4 you like that you like that i love that yeah okay that's good okay you did goodicked a good day. You may have lost it with Joseph, but Sadie, she pulled it back. She's won. I mean, not only are you a girl, Sadie, but you've also got a phenomenal birthday.

You've won the number lottery. Congratulations. Yay. Anyhow, we sound mental now. We're not getting out much. It's still okay. We're still sticking in here um but no I'm glad you shared that yeah I thank you yeah totally different experience like I say to

last time um but I would love to hear from people as well who have had elective sections and emergency sections and what your experience of them was because mine was totally not what I expected so yeah I would just love some birth stories yeah birth stories in general send them in i just i don't know what it is about them i just really love them are we doing uh are we doing your week to be honest i'm um just chilling i'm just chilling yeah we finally shit after six days readily you mean yes not me i'm shitting great oh you're not constipated anymore i am relieved i'm not constipating anymore relent relent relently who is that renly is way he's had one poo but we did have assistance no one helped him poo but they gave him some laculose oh yeah yeah laculose to

get that out so he had that and yeah he had a big shit good so much so that i wasn't here when it happened i was very sad about it um is that weird no me and stefan call each other in now to see the content okay you've got to have a look haven't you good good yeah chris sent me a picture of the shit all up the back in the hair and the neck crevice of the front of the neck as well and the back wow it was a big one yeah it was a whole lot of shit wow um but i was at colby's football oh how disappointing i missed the whole shame but the the the chap did say to do to do it a couple of times but he said to do it twice a day i couldn't give it to him last night because i thought poor lad would be shitting all night shitting through the eye of a needle.

Yeah, so I thought, I'm going to leave it 24 hours. So we're going to do another one today about lunchtime and make sure he's nice and clear down. But yeah, we're just, we're bobbing along. Good. Bobbing along, singing a song. I do feel like we need to find a new little routine, though, because we're back to school Monday. Sorry, these Easter holidays seem to have gone on for about six weeks. find a new little routine though because we're back to school monday yeah sorry these easter holidays seem to have gone on for about six weeks literally for like one in the july holidays but

to future safina i hope you have a good day i hope you're okay yeah are you feeling sad about this time because obviously we know how you feel about school holidays ending but now that you've got another baby to look after you're not a bit more distracted no my heart is so fucking heavy worse than i thought it would ever be like i didn't think it could feel any more heavy than what it is does feel on a normal but the fact that i now have to send the two in and keep the baby home yeah it's just too painful it's too fucking painful i have looked in in the depths of nighttime feeding i feel like we should have a a topic as to what what we looked in the depths of nighttime feeding. I feel like we should have a topic as to what we search in the midnight feeds. Do you Google shit or order shit?

Shopping has become a problem. I've ordered quite a lot of stuff and I watch like relaxation videos on YouTube when I'm feeding, yeah. To make me feel calm about the fact that my nipples are in bits how is the nipples have you got any shields no because apparently i did use those with joseph but apparently they can affect the the latch so i'm not using them this time but i am seeing a lactation consultant later so i'll let you know how i get on oh that'll be lush but yeah

i've been googling homeschooling how important is it to put them in school do they need to go to school how can i homeschool do you need degrees to homeschool do you this is my google search bar no wow really no you can pretty much get assistance the only reason i send them to school truly is for the social aspect yeah no that is important but i thought if i put them in like dancing groups and... Football. Football and have friends outside of this curriculum system. Would you really homeschool?

Yeah. Oh, gosh. As tough as it is, I just... Speak to some parents that had their kids at home during lockdown. I do. One of my midwives. One of my midwives, Zoe. Hello, Zoe.

I know you're going to be here listening. She fucking homeschools and she's just a fucking superwoman. And she loves it. She loves it. She loves it. Not for me. I'll be hooking her up.

But yeah, I don't know. I felt like I was, I thought I was going to find it easier and actually I'm not finding it easier. I'm finding it really sad. I think more sad because Colby doesn't want to leave him oh and dots dots is like he's gonna be okay isn't he i don't i don't really want to leave him and plus he was here for a few days while they were at school but because they've had the solid two weeks with him i think they're struggling a bit with the with letting go yeah let it go but no in other in

in other news we've pooed we're sleeping great we're in a good good sleeping pattern i finally stopped bleeding oh wow well done because that five weeks that's a long time isn't it the longest i've had out of all three i've bled the most with all three was remly like a five week bleed that's a big one isn't it proper big pads as well were you using no it was kind of a little bit of a tap it was like dripping it wasn't anything um full on but the first few days were full on but no just like a little bit of a tap like you need to have something there kind of thing right it's slower with like we are week five now Renly is five weeks old and I'm like I've been going out for walks and stuff and I'm trying to walk to the shop and walk back to

get out and keep us moving and stuff like that keep the babies out get fresh air very painful my cervix and everything going back wow do you know what people talk about cesarean recovery and i think i've actually found that easier than a lot of my friends who had vaginal births because honestly after like a couple of weeks 10 days i felt absolutely fine but i think when your vagina has been stretched beyond all recognition that takes a little while to get back doesn't it yeah so i'm week five and i had to we went for a walk the other day to moors valley country park you probably won't know that but it's a big country park i had to come home and have some paracetamols because i thought my vagina was going to fall out no i thought it was

going to turn inside out it was mental the cramps it basically you're you you have contractions for it to go back don't you yeah well that's what i always think it feels like contractions mild not as severe but just it all sort of contracting to go back and it was a little painful you know that's that's mad when you're breastfeeding you can feel sometimes i can feel my uterus contracting like back down to size isn't that mental? So wild. And I'm, do you know what? Even up till probably before I had Renly, like a month before, did you ever get the

phantom belly move? Like the phantom kicks in your tummy? What, after he was out? Like, so like four years on of having Dottie and my belly, I just get random phantom kicks in my tummy. No. No one ever talks about that it's like the phantom baby movements like the spasms your muscle spasms because it remembers your muscles remember like the kicks and stuff in your tummy it replicates them like years and years later

i do remember having that a little bit after joseph but like immediately after like not that long after just when my body was getting used to like not being pregnant again I think I'd say to Chris I'd be lying on bed and be like how weird feels like there's a baby kick in my tummy you know she's four yes well she's five like that's not possible it was weird that is crazy I keep looking at like Sadie's little hands and feet now and I think god they were the feet that were beating me up from the inside I know it's nuts and now they're here and now they're here so that's that's our weeks so myself and Emma would love to hear from you yeah we want you to join us in the secret mum club you're all welcome you can share your secrets with us respond to what we've been talking about or just say hello you can find us on tiktok and instagram just search secret mum pod or you can

email us hello at secret mum pod.com it's the correspond shit it's the correspondence corner it's the return of the correspondence corner it's the return of the oh wait no wait he didn't just say what i think he did did he dr jerry's dead he's locked in my basement do you know that one yeah of course oh thank god i am a little bit cool you know all right i don't want to say it this one says do a secret mum club i've just listened to the special episode with chris i loved hearing your story about how things didn't go exactly to plan hearing how the experience in the do you say nikuU the neonatal I say NICU NICU neonatal intensive care unit is it yeah how it humbled you so much brought me to tears when having my daughter she came seven weeks early

the night before my baby shower oh god and she spent 10 days in the NICU my family all enjoyed a beautiful baby shower where we got to facetime them all to reveal the arrival of our beautiful baby. Lots of love from Gemma. Oh, Gemma. That is, I'm not going to lie, that is absolutely beautiful though, isn't it? That brought a little tear to my eye. Yeah, did me. It hasn't gone to plan. What a beautiful memory though.

Imagine them all there at the baby shower, just like, they thought they were just going to play like Guess the Nappy and they're like, here's the baby. Guess the gender. Well, that's a wonderful experience. And I'm so glad that it's, you know, it's nice. It's nice. It's nice to hear such positive stories. But it definitely was a very very humbling experience I don't and I spoke to my sister about it today actually and I said I don't think I've really processed it like I don't think yeah I haven't spoken about it enough to to process it but last week's episode if you haven't heard is a it's a very emotional episode for me so apologies yeah no it was good it was nice it was nice to side of me that I don't really have a show not really that's no it's nice to talk about

it I think people will appreciate that because so many people would have been through something similar. So it's nice for you to open up about it, I think. Yeah, it's a very lonely journey and I do never want anyone to feel alone. So thank you, Gemma, for sharing that. And I love that yours was such a beautiful outcome. I know.

Thanks, Gemma. I've got another email here. It says, hello, girls. Congratulations on having the babies. Thank you very much. Thank you. I wondered if you guys have or were planning to do anything with your placenta i was pregnant with my second son and had read some information about how consuming your placenta is really beneficial

to your health and recovery after birth after researching all these expensive companies offering converting it to powder form or tablets i decided to just eat it as it was. Wow. My husband took the placenta home in a Tupperware box and blended it into a smoothie with some berries. He brought it back to the hospital for me and brace yourselves, he told me that he had a glass of the placenta berry smoothie. Sorry if this made you feel sick, but we can confirm it made me feel great. And my husband does quick cannibalism for the foreseeable. All the love, Tash in Essex. Oh my God, Tash.

Do you know what? A few people asked me. I think I'm crying for a whole different reason. Yeah. A few people asked me what I was doing with my placenta this time. Like it was the first question that a few people asked me after I had the baby, which I thought was unusual. Tash, I take my hat off to you my darling but my god no I couldn't no I had we had a full inspection of mine in the room my sister wanted to look at it Chris wanted to look at it I had

Stephanie gave us a detailed tour into my placenta it looked like liver before you make liver pate I actually it's brought to you tomorrow i can't no i'm so sorry i love you dearly for that but my gosh no i couldn't do it and your husband he ate it wow i yeah straight in the incinerator in the waste bin with mine i think i don't think they even actually i put mine forward for testing did you do yours for testing i don't think anyone actually asked me because i didn't have it in my birth plan i think it probably just went straight into the bin bin yeah maybe mine went into the i'm pretty sure i said mine to do for testing they are amazing organs though like i know midwives are obsessed with showing it to you

because they're like look at this amazing thing that's kept your baby alive for nine months it is incredible oh so incredible and you know what i actually love the fact that it made you feel great love the fact that you even put berries in it for you yeah like where do you get that recipe do you just google like berry placenta smoothie bbc good food i mean if i was going to eat anyone's placenta i'd rather it be my own not someone else's yeah i don't i i wouldn't like to eat yours i don think. And mine also come out of my vagina as well. Yeah. So imagine like, oh Emma, do you want to try my placenta?

No, thank you. Mine got pulled out of my vagina. But then it's weird as well that everyone cuddles your baby and you're like, well, that went through my vagina as well. And now everyone's kissing its head. I think that's slightly different to a used placenta. I could be wrong though. But I'd love to know if you ate yours.

How did you eat it? I would have loved to have seen the clean up process of Tash's husband cleaning the blender up. And if somebody had walked in, imagine the police were just there and they're like, Sarah, what are you doing? Splendid, my wife's placenta for her to eat it.

Chucked a few bloobs in it. A few rasp of the berets. So your wife's DNA is all over this NutriBullet. Can we ask why we're gonna have to take you in for questioning oh tash there's so many questions i have for you but my god what a woman what a woman wow thank you for sharing that and if you have eaten your placenta straight raw or in any way powder form please let us know how do you eat yours let us know. How do you eat yours? Let us know. How do you like your placenta in the morning? I like mine.

With a kiss. Straight out of my Fufu. So you can get in touch with us literally on anything at all. Yes, it can be serious or silly and you can be totally anonymous. And between us, we've probably heard it all before. And remember, we're all in this together and we know that we are me and emma have just been talking about going back to the studio and we're coming back for you

baby yeah uh anywho soon each week we'll be sharing our secrets and yours in the Secret Mum Club. It's been a while. I may have a few, but here is my secret for the last three weeks. I'm excited. Shall I chuck three at you? Let's start with the big one. I feel like, are they not all big? Well, this is one that you've

teased teased to me in the past involving miss dotty don't they all involve her that's true oh we went out for a nice meal didn't we went out for a nice meal first meal out as a family of five we went out i'd showered washed my hair we went into town we barused the shops and thought you know what we're gonna risk it we're gonna risk trying to have a meal where we just sit down all five of us with little Renly he was in his pram everything was going great we had a delicious meal no one was kicking off I even bought the babies a board game from John Lewis because we went to we went to a restaurant inside the West Quay shopping centre so we went to John Lewis got

them a board game and I thought they can play a little board game as well I'll have my first glass of wine oh honestly there was so there was so much and the everybody was cooing over Renly everyone was like oh my god I can't believe he's like two weeks old and everyone was coming over the staff were wonderful we went for our meal got our desserts I ordered some white chocolate and pistachio hot doughnuts oh like dough balls filled with this white chocolate pistachio cream come on to which Dottie proceeded to shout i love eating dad's balls they are delicious christopher choked on his tiramisu i choked on my own balls um to which dotty basically she chris had ordered some of the little donut balls and he was eating them and he was like

oh they're delicious here's two for you dot you can have some as well to which she then shouted that in the middle of the restaurant to which i shit you not everybody everybody bar maybe one or two in the restaurant laughed everyone was looking at us i was bright red the wine instantly went straight to my head i was very light-headed like i'm having a flash i need to i need to do you think she knows what she's doing and she's being cheeky or is she just like totally oblivious i think she's totally oblivious i don't think she has i don't think she has a clue in what she is saying at all like literally i shit you not the other day we're in the bathroom and she come out and chris goes dotty you need to go in the bathroom and wash your hands

she's got this thing where she just doesn't wash her hands gross i know but she we've only just got to flush away the number two but she'll flush it away now but we've got to keep going right you need to the baby's here now we need to wash our hands she come out she was like don't worry guys i washed my hands and i just shoved loo roll right up my bum hole and i was like what and she was like yeah i shoved the loo roll right up my bum hole and i was like for what reason did you she was like to wipe it you know i just i really had to wipe it so i just shoved it right in there right okay and have you washed your hands she went oh i remember to wipe my bum hole but i didn't remember to wash my hands sorry and you're like we're in the living room

we're in the lounge we're in the lounge and she's telling me i've shoved bum loo ro up her bum hole and didn't wash her hands there's been so many things happened also secret secret of the week redley projectile vomited in my mouth oh yeah i've had that before 20 past one in the morning there's me just winded him like cooing over him i was like oh he's so cute he straight up projectile vomited into my mouth straight down the back of your throat straight to the jugular i think what was worse is it was warm oh i think maybe if it was cold but you knew it was like straight from his gut to yours um and then another secret this week i shit myself at tesco's what happened i just thought i was safe to pass a trump and i didn't i shit myself no safina never trust a fart i've been so

to be honest well come on we how constipated I've been for nine months. You thought you'd be all right? I was three weeks after giving birth, I was like, I'm totally in the safe zone now. I can totally pass a Trump. Just like... Because trying to hold a fart in

after you've had a baby for nine months is the most painful fucking thing in the world. I thought my uterus was going to birth another human or rock it out of my head. It's so sore. painful fucking thing in the world i thought my uterus was going to birth another human or rock it out of my head it was it's so sore so i thought i'll just let a bit of wind out no wasn't a bit weird i had a pad on because i'd obviously been bleeding for five weeks had nine i shook myself what did you have to do i was i was on my own i came home i came home disposed of the pad washed my bum and pretended like it didn't happen.

Did the pad catch it all? Did it get on nickel? No, no. Well, it was on like, it was on cheeks. It was wet. It wasn't dry. Yeah, it wasn't. It wasn't dry. Sorry, I've got to move. My bum crack is killing me. Literally. Speaking of cracks. Speaking of ass. So yeah, there's been a few things that have happened wow it's been quite a few weeks isn't it for you i feel like all perfectly normal things really like shitting yourself i feel like it's really normal well we had i had the opposite problem because after a cesarean the um killers that they give you make you really constipated so i've been on lactulose like renly um but more more so the other the other way you know a bit bit backed up not as bad as last time though i remember after i had joseph being on the toilet for like an hour

and i couldn't poo but this time this time i've just been i've not been going light on the lactulose and i've actually been all right but it it does make you, I think it's the codeine. It makes you really, it really clogs you up. Does it? Yeah. But I'm off that now. I'm off that. And are you shitting naturally?

All fine now. Yeah. Like my, like I say, recovery from cesarean, like remarkably quick. Like not. Does your poo feel the same after a cesarean? Like, does it feel the same to pass a poo yeah and i'm still on the iron tablet so to be honest like nothing it's not all back to normal anyway but um but yeah like that's all fine i didn't have that much bleeding really only like

a week maybe in a week 10 days worth and then i'm just on paracetamol and ibuprofen now so it's all it's all back to pretty normal to be honest wow yeah because when you have a poo after you have a baby like push the baby out rather than cesarean it's a very daunting experience because there is that little bit in your brain that says one and my stitch is all just going to give way and everything's just going to go yeah you know or is it is it just going to be insanely painful or is everything just going to be normal? And I'll give it to my bum hole. I honestly, I drank 20 mils of laculose. I'd been in the hospital, right,

for five days before having Renly, didn't I? Yeah. Five days I didn't take a shit because you know me, I couldn't shit in my own toilet. So I couldn't shit in the hospital, could I? So I was backed the fuck up. Doctor come round,

we're having the baby today sorry what we are we're doing what are you we're having the baby so that was empty my bowels emma from about two in the afternoon through till about 11 p.m i had severe diarrhea and i said to my sister i i should not ask my And I said to my sister, I, oh shit, you know what? I asked my sister. I said to my sister, I was in the room. I was like, we can't do this. We're going to have to cancel the whole birth because I can't stop shooting myself. Cancel it.

Cancel it. I'd like to postpone this birth. I can't stop shooting myself. I'm not ready. I'm not ready. I've done, I did a bad thing. I don't regret the thing I did. And I said to my sister, we've got to cancel it because I can't stop shitting myself.

That might have been what got things going, you know. Maybe all that straining for the poo is what made him come out at 15 minutes. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. No one needs an induction. You just need some lactulose. I'm telling you. I don't advise to ever take it. No, that is not medical advice.

Do not. No, that was probably one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made. So that is, I was going to say that's my secret this week. That's my, all my secrets for the last five weeks. And next we'll be hearing some of yours on the Secret Mom Club. this is the secret mum club the safe space for you to share your secrets and we've got three

i had to count my fingers then three that we're going to be hearing from you this week and discussing so emma hit us with number one all right this one says hey ladies last year when my oldest son was seven I would take my five-year-old daughter to preschool which was half a day every time I brought her in my son was always at recess so I got to see him and friends one day one of the little boys told me Cooper said he sexes June thinking that Iheard, I asked him to repeat what he said. Cooper sexes June. All the kids around were nodding their heads and saying that it's true. I had no idea what to say and wanted so badly to laugh, but managed to keep a straight face and say, oh, okay. After school, I asked my son if he knew what that meant, which was a conversation I wasn't ready for. He

told me, no, we're a ranching family in America. So it made it a little easier to explain because he's known that bulls breed with cows. I told him sex is when a male gets together with a female and that's how you get babies. And he said, oh, so you and daddy have sex and that's how you got us. Yes, son. Now my husband and I no longer call it itchy legs. We now say that we sex each other. Nikki. Just straight up. We just sex each other.

Sexies. That's how we just, that's how we do it. We just sex. I wanna sex you up. Chew up. Oh, that is hilarious. Something funny that happened to me i went into the doctor's surgery the other day to book our six weeks six week checkup and i said can i book my six week checkup and i said can i book my sex week checkup the woman in the waiting room

fucking cackled away and i was like and then i awkwardly as i left when he went oh we'll see you in a couple of weeks then for your appointment i said yeah we won't be having sex see you in six weeks what's that why did you bring it back up but thank you nikki that made me feel that made me feel normal oh i might start calling it that instead of itchy legs we're just we. Yeah, we're sexing. Sexing is when you text sex, isn't it? That's sexting. Oh.

With a T. God, so much sex. I don't know. I don't know. None of it will be happening. No more babies. No. I'm officially retired from itchy legs.

I don't need to ever do it ever again. Or sex. Yep. We don't need to do it. We don't need to talk about it. We don't need to mention do it ever again or sex yep i don't need to do it we don't need to talk about it we don't need to mention it no sex and it's happening no sex thank you that's made my day thank you nikki so let's go into number two all right this one says hi soph and emma i started listening to you after i had my first little girl and now excitingly i'm expecting my second little one two under two she's been sexing the only issue is

i'm eight weeks pregnant and feel huge already i feel very sick and tired and generally yuck yeah i didn't feel like that the first time around and wondered if you girls felt like that the second and third time around i feel like i've bumped out so much it's so hard to hide please tell me it's not just me from anonymous. Yes, anonymous. 100%. I felt like I had a bump. Yes. As in, no, it's not just you. And yes, we do feel the same.

Yes. I felt like I had a bump from literally about five or six weeks this time. We bumped so early. And the fact that I had to tell Emma so soon because I was, one, sick as a fucking dog. so soon because I was one sick as a fucking dog and two I was showing so quickly that I was like I can't not tell Emma because she's gonna be like why are you being so worried about your tummy so literally when I told her and it was that first initial reaction is when I told her she was like so am I yeah because I was ahead of you obviously and I hadn't told you yet so then you must have told me really early on and then when you said it I was like well fuck it so am i and it was and i was like you're fucking

joking but no we both i would have said we both bumped out really quickly but i also would say you are probably noticing it more than other people so like don't be paranoid because when i said to people like god i feel massive already can't you tell i'm pregnant they would be like no not really so other people probably aren't thinking about it as much as you are because it's on your mind and you're very bloated as well like i feel like the first sort of the first 12 weeks you're so bloated aren't you you don't know whether you want to shit fart take off you don't really know what the bloody hell's going on but no and with the nausea sorry as well um. Like my diet was crap. Like all I wanted to eat was like beige food. And like I had the diet of a five-year-old.

I was just eating peanut butter sandwiches basically for breakfast, lunch and dinner. So I just, I wasn't really looking after myself. I felt fat. I felt sick. I know exactly how you feel. And until you can start officially telling people whenever you decide that you want that to be that is really hard period to be in that bit because you feel gross and you can't tell anyone why so yeah sending you solidarity and strength I'm exactly the same and all three of mine were completely different Colby I was

really healthy in my pregnancy had no sickness no nothing bump was tiny again no weight anywhere Dottie I was carby barby ate a lot of fast food, but again, didn't put much weight on, but I ate shit loads and had a really bad diet. And I ate so much because I was really nauseous with Dottie. And then Renly, I have hardly ate anything, yet I have struggled with my weight the most. This is the most weight I've put on with all three pregnancies. And I was basically just living off of toast i couldn't eat anything generally could not eat nothing it's hard you've already got other kids as well like i yeah with joseph i exercise right up until the end like 40 weeks but when already having a toddler like with sadie i stopped

exercising way back because i was just like i don't have the time or the energy to look after myself yeah yeah yeah but congratulations to you and good luck yes massive congratulations keep us posted um and please don't feel alone this is completely normal completely normal to how you're feeling and it's normal to be tired and just it's so much I found it so much harder with with Dottie and Renly to with Colby I just felt like I was able to just carry on and like when I had Dottie I begrudged myself because I was like why could I do so much when I was pregnant with Colby but I can't do it now because I'm pregnant with Dottie and like why is it so different and then when I fell pregnant with Renly I was like god I swear I wasn't this bad when I was pregnant with the other two but there's

just so much more going on in your life. Like you've got work, you've got another human to grow, you've got a house to still keep. It's so much more. And even though it doesn't seem like a lot to anybody else, when you're in it and you've got another little person, life is very different. And it's OK to be tired. It's OK to be worn out. It's OK to rest and slow down. Definitely with the second.

Well, in any pregnancy, to be honest. But it's okay to rest and slow down definitely with the second well in any pregnancy to be honest but it's all perfectly normal yeah Sadie agrees she does she's very much an advocate for this conversation god bless her so we're gonna roll into our last one of the week all right this one says hi ladies every time I hear you discuss c-sections and shaving it makes me laugh and I want to share my story. So here it goes. Please do. Oh, my God.

I forgot to tell you my anecdote about this. Oh, shit. How was your foo-foo when you went in? Well, okay. Did you shave it in the end? Slight break, sorry. Let me just tell you that I couldn't shave, as we've discussed on the podcast,

couldn't shave for like weeks. So couldn't see down below there because my bump was too big but I imagine I went in in a bit of a state and you know we were talking about and someone actually wrote in saying I work in theatre and sometimes we have to shave people to be able to um do the cesarean scar please tell me they shaved your foo-foo only fucking happened to me me, didn't it? I was mortified. They were like, we're going to have to get the razors out. But the weirdest thing was, because I was numbed, I could hear the... Oh my God, it was electric.

It wasn't manual. Basically, they got the clippers out on me. But because I was numbed, I couldn't feel a thing. It was the most surreal experience. I could hear these clippers shaving my bush and I couldn't feel a thing it was the most surreal experience I could hear these clippers shaving my bush and I couldn't feel anything it was so weird I thought it was going to be a manual they could you could just you know when you do it that's what I thought I thought it was going to be a bick razor no no yeah they basically took out like the lawnmower that's how bad it was anyway so here goes the night before my c-section i knew i had to attack my bush

wow well done i got myself a new razor handheld mirror and scissors for the excess there i am in all sorts of positions water is flying everywhere just doing what i can my bump was so big i couldn't see my nunny regardless of the mirror. Yeah, that's the problem. I proudly felt like I'd done the best job and was smug as shit, telling my partner I knew I could manage it. Feeling like a dolphin. I went to bed ready for the next day.

Feeling like a dolphin. Squeaky clear. The following morning, I go into theatre for my C-section and I'm complimented by the lady fitting my catheter on what a tidy nunny I had with no need for her to intervene. Oh, all right. Skipping along the following day after a shower, I asked my partner to check my scar for me and he started absolutely howling. He takes a pic and shows me that I've missed all down the sides of my nunny. howling he takes a pic and shows me that I've missed all down the sides of my nunny so it's like I so it's like I had pigtails and sideburns I'm laughing about it now but bloody hell love Lola Lola that is incredible is it weird that they tell you that you're so were they referring to how neat her

fufu was or generally the hair cutting of the fufu right when the woman was referring to it but if it's a cesarean is it weird that she if she was telling you about how lovely your actual fufu was not your hair design i think she meant the bush do you the pigtails and sideburns yeah she probably thought nice pigtails and sideburns i've not seen one like that before normally it's just a landing yeah how unusual how unusual it's normally hair on the front yeah bowled out to the side yeah i wonder if that's worse than like not doing mine at all because at least with me they were just like well yeah full bush she obviously couldn't get to it. No, she couldn't get to it. I think they've commended Lola on her.

But the funny thing is, is they know what we have to go through. So they know how fucking difficult it is. So when somebody goes in and they've had a go at their foo-foo, they must just have a little laugh to themselves. Like, oh, bless her. Did you see that one? Yeah. I think they think fair play, respect.

Like she's given it a go, even though she's got a huge bump, you know. Kudos. At least she didn't take off her labia. Jeez. Sorry, lost a labia trying to shave it last night. What are they saying about me when I left theatre? Christ. I can't believe you actually went in

and had a serine as well as getting your foofy trimmed. I got free wax while I was there. So who's winning now? I don't know the state of my fufi to be honest my bum hole is an absolute tatters that I don't I think the least of my worries is my long pubes yeah yeah like they'll just be like hun don't worry about your pubes it's your bum hole you need to worry about sorry guys thank you for sharing your secrets this week. Everyone is welcome in the Secret Mum Club.

If you want to share your secrets with us, you can. The email is hello at secretmumpod.com or with Secret Mum Pod on TikTok and Instagram. Do you have pigtail pubes? Or have you made a placenta smoothie? Let us know, please. There really is nothing too outrageous. And keep an eye out for our Thursday episode.

And we'll see you next time on the... Secret Mom Club!