Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Great Groan

Episode Date: November 12, 2024

Soph’s back on the house renovations this week, flexing her savant flat pack skills, while Emma’s been dealing with manual baby evacuations. Plus, we hear from one mum whose itchy leg shenanigans ended up not being stealthy at all. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Calling all music buffs. Hey, hey, turn the volume up, yeah? Make Me A Mix Tape is back. I'm Jordan Stevens. I'm Clara Ampho, and this is our weekly music show. A celebrity guest picks the theme. We select the tunes. And we battle it out to create the ultimate mix tape.

May the best music lover win. Oh, it's about to go down. Let's go! Make Me A Mix Tape. Listen only on BBC Sounds. This episode is sponsored by It Ends With Us. Based on the bestselling phenomenon by Colleen Hoover, this captivating and faithful adaptation of the book is the perfect pick for your next movie night in. I'm going to tell you to watch it, but I think because you are the book worm between us, you need to read the book. I'll try the book. You've seen the film?

I have seen the film. And I don't, it's hard, isn't it? Because every time I see a film, I want to talk to you about it, but I also want you to watch it. So I can't say no too much about it, you know. I'll give this one a go. I think you have to. And then we can talk about it. It ends with us, tells the empowering story of Lily Bloom. Grappling with a painful past, Lily embarks on a new life in a new city and opens her own flower shop. After falling in love with Ryle, Lily begins to see sides of him

that remind her of her dangerous father. With the support of her friends and allies, Lily must find her own strength to break the pattern or the pattern will break her. Rated 15, It Ends With Us is available to buy and watch on Apple TV+, Amazon Prime and Sky Store. Hello, this is The Secret Mum Club. I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. And this podcast is a safe space for mums everywhere. A safe space to share our secrets. Because we all have secrets, don't we? We do. And as we know, sharing is caring. You don't even have to tell us who you are. You can keep that to yourself, you can be anonymous. And all those secrets can be serious or silly.

All secrets are welcome in the... Secret Mum Club! We're nailing doing it without looking at the script. I feel like I keep forgetting some words. But it's quite uncomfortable looking into each other's eyes. Yeah, I don't know how I feel about that. It's like leaving lights on when you're having sex. Yeah, I don't know if I want to see your face.

I'm nothing at all. I'm sleeping with my baby. I was going to say, I don't have any itchy leg time, but when it was, I'm lights off. It depends on the situation. I don't want you to stare into my soul. Or when you kiss, Stephanie, keep your eyes open. We don't kiss each other. Never. It depends on the situation. I don't want you to stare into myself or when you kiss Stephanie, keep your eyes open. We don't kiss each other. Never.

Not even a peck. Have a nice day. Do you know what that did occur to me this morning? Cause I left him on the... Left him on red. Left him on the tube. Didn't even text back. Cause I jumped on his train.

Cause that was going to be late. And it was too full for him and the buggy. And I was just like, I've got to get on this one. So I just like waved to him like a friend. And then when the doors closed, I thought you should probably kiss your husband goodbye, shouldn't you? We're just so out of the habit of doing that. And I was like, I'm going to go and get on this one.

And I was like, I'm going to go and get on this one. And I was like, I'm going to go and get on this one. And I was like, I'm going to go and get on this one. And I was like, I'm going to go and get on this one. And I was was just like, I've got to get on this one. So I just like waved to him like a friend. And then when the doors closed, I thought, you should probably kiss your husband goodbye, shouldn't you? We're just so out of the habit of doing it now, honestly. Kids. I can't imagine, Steph, I'm just at the stop with the pram. Yeah, I just held my hand up against the window as the train drew away.

A single tear rolling down. No, she wasn't, she was like, line up, fuckers. See you later, losers. You should have done the sound, tick tock sound. See you later fuckers. Yeah, that's what me and my family do every time one of us gets on the on a flight, we message and say I'm getting on now, see you on the flip side motherfuckers. Yeah.

Such a family thing to do. My dad would do something like that. See you on the flip side. Originally, my mom and dad weren't very accepting of the term motherfuckers, but they've really got on board over the years. Your mom must have had the shock of her life when she come in and she's like, fucking hell that potty, no. I know. She's vile. She does say to me, do you have to swear so much? Yeah, all the time. I'm like, yeah, mom, it's fucking hilarious. So funny. Swear words are so fucking funny. So funny. Makes life better, being able to give a fucking there, don't it, doesn't it? Give things a bit more punch.

Especially when you can go with a C-bomb. Yeah. Oh, that's naughty. I don't know if we're allowed to do that, wherever it'd be beeped out. RFs are beeped out. Are they? Yeah. On video?

Yeah. Oh, God, so don't. It's only me. It's only on my side when it's like, whiff, whiff, whiff. Yeah. Hey. It's all my side. You only get every other word.

Should we talk about the live show? Let's talk about the live show. I feel like every episode now up to the live show is going to be like the countdown. Yeah, people are going to be like, shut up. I didn't get tickets. Let's just see you. I've had a lot of messages of people asking for a second venue. Well, if you missed out this time, you'll be able to come to our next show live at Wembley,

live at the O2 Arena. Wembley, Maytime. Oh, I think they were looking at May. Oh yeah. Well, there will be another one. Maybe I'll get married in May. We'll do tickets to our wedding on a stage at Wembley. All gather around. Imagine, I wonder if anyone's ever done that. You've gone from being like, I don't really think I want like a big wedding to a wedding at Wembley. And everyone can get a ticket.'ve gone from being like, I don't really think I want like a big wedding. Now I'll get married at Wembley. And everyone can get a ticket. Yeah, 70,000. I don't want you to buy a ticket though.

I just want you to get a ticket. You have to have the ticket to get in. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like getting Oasis tickets, isn't it? Tickets for our live show. Honestly. I don't, I wouldn't go that far. Cues of thousands.

No, we are very grateful to everybody who purchased a ticket. Because it is a sellout. It is a sellout. It is. It is. I'm very much looking forward to seeing you all there. I'm so excited. I can't wait. There was a few that didn't and I got some messages and I was like, I can't read them. Yeah. Well, like I say, the next one, the next one. Yeah. Yeah. There'll be another one bigger venue. Yeah. So tell me about your week. We're going live. I've been renovating this week. Oh my God. I saw your changing rooms. Yeah.

Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen. I know. I was thinking who's the blonde lady that was with him? Oh, there was Smiley Smiley Carol. Smiley was the presenter and then the other interior designer was. Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen and I named my goldfish after her. Did you? She had blonde hair.

Yeah, I know exactly who you're talking about. Linda Barker. Linda Barker. And there was another brunette one. Have you just unlocked your phone? Anna Ryder Richardson was the other one I was thinking of. Anna Ryder Richardson. I didn't realize there's two Anna Richardsons.

But she's Ryder Richardson. Anna Richardson is a different presenter. Naked Attraction. She does a podcast in here. She does. Yes. See her sometimes, don't we? We do see her sometimes down in the cafe. All I want to ask is what are them willies and vaginas like in real life?

Yeah. Did you ever get embarrassed to see that big willy or little willy? Yeah. Or all the different foo foos? I didn't realize there's so many different foo foos. So many different types. So many different types of foo foos. I think it's weird. I didn't realize there's so many different foo foos. So many different types. I feel like I say this a lot. So many different types of foo foos. It makes me die when they hug each other.

They have to hug each other at the end. Yeah, maybe she should get naked with them at the end. No. Too far. Don't think she'd be happy with that. But I'd love to grill her on that, would you? I'd love to. Also, I'd really love to ask her where she,

what shampoo and conditioner she uses, because her hair. So shiny. If you think it looks fucking glossy on the telly, in real life, I feel like she walks in slow motion. It's like a mirror. I feel the same way about Claudia Winkleman. Her hair is so shiny.

She's got the fringe Claudia, isn't she? She does advertise head and shoulders. She does. So does Davina. Wonder if she's using that. Davina McCall does head and shoulders, doesn't she? Every time, head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. Joseph started doing the actions to that,

it's so cute. We had to do it on the ice the other day because we're still doing our ice skating lessons. Have I told you that? Yeah. We're still doing our ice skating lessons and the babies had to do head, shoulders, knees and toes. On the ice?

On the ice, Cobbly was like, fuck this, he just went knees and toes. Bloody hell. Yeah, Joseph kind of skips a bit out. He goes, head, shoulders, toes and toes, toes and toes. I'm like, you've got to hit your knees on the way down. He's one of them though. He's so like coy about learning anything new. He never said to us like, oh, we're learning this dance at nursery. And it just came on one day and he busted out the

full routine. I thought you've been keeping that one quiet. My boy. Keeping that one on the down low. Yeah. He's thinking, I'll show them. They don't even think I know it. Watch this. Watch this shit. So you've turned one room into two. Yeah, I have. Without, it's still got a lot of, like, still got a lot of what? It doesn't have a door. That's where I was going. I don't know what it has a lot of. It has a lot of paneling that gives a lot of people headaches. But I think the camera makes it look more jazzy than what it is.

I think it looks amazing. So you've basically divided the room with the beds. Yeah. Obviously I've had loads of lovely messages. People have also told me that they're not too keen on the bedroom, but they think it's pretty, but it's not their kind of style. And then the ones that were like, what fucking psychopaths screws two beds together? I don't know. Please let me know if that person, because I bought a set of bunk beds.

I did a bit of a deep dive into the comments section and my big takeaway from it was that people are very concerned about where the windows are. Yes. You've got skylights. Skylights, skylights, yes. Everyone was like, no windows, no windows. You're going to sarcay them. A lot of people were asking about the bars on Renly's cot. Yes.

Can you take those off or? You can, yeah. You can if you want to. You can, I just didn't want to. Yeah, obviously. I just didn't want him beating an MDF wall up. Yeah, yeah. Fine.

You can take those bars off, you don't have to put that aside on. Yeah. But I kind of liked it, I thought it looked nice, a bit of halolin down there. That looks really nice. So did you have that idea yourself or did you get like someone to do it for you?

No, we did it, me, dad and Chris and my sister. We had to take turns on the baby shift. So one time I was in there, then Roxanne was in there and then Chris was in there, you know? But my dad predominantly did the whole shebang. Wow, so clever. It couldn't envision my image. So I was like, dad, I just need you to start doing this,

this and this, and then we're gonna go from there. And he was like, okay, I'm gonna trust you on this. Blessed heart, he is absolutely far-bergasted with his work. Is he, please? He's so fucking proud of himself and so he should. 66, well, 67, nearly 60. No, he's not even 67 now. This is my dad. I feel sorry for him.

Anytime we need something doing, we're like, dad, can you, I don't know, like build a wall? Chris took a day to build a bed the other day and it got to like nine o'clock and I said to him, do you just want me to phone my dad? And he went, why? Cause I can't fucking build it. I'm taking it all the other day and it got to like nine o'clock and I said to him, do you just want me to phone my dad? And he went, why? Cause I can't fucking build it. I'm taking it all fucking day.

My dad would have had this done in about 20 minutes, half hour. Your dad's a builder though, isn't he? No, electrician. Electrician, but hands are handy. He wanted to be a carpenter when he was a young lad. Well there you go, he should have been. And I said to him, you miss your calling in life dad.

Like Jesus. He's so handy, yeah. He's so handy on the old, um, yeah. It's amazing what they know because like, I feel like our partners don't, our partners are not our dads. Like our dads were like the hardcore. They'll take on anything. I don't need a man to come to my house. I think it's also because our parents, like my parents wouldn't have paid for someone to come and do something because they couldn't afford it. Yeah.

Me and Stefan, we're lazy and shit and we're like, let's just pay someone to do that. Or even better, get my dad to come and do it for free. Yeah. You know, bless my dad. I did pay him. You did. Yeah, I did. You're quite good at stuff like that though, aren't you?

I think that was my way of learning growing up. I spent a lot of time with my dad. I couldn't do exams and all the schoolie shit. So I decided to build flat pack furniture. And back then you could pick a wardrobe, a bed and a chest of drawers up from Argos same day. Argos! Argos is Lithuanian. You could pick it up same day, couldn't you? Could you?

You could see people with flat pack walking down the road because they couldn't get it in their minis. It's funny like an era before Ikea because we didn't really have Ikea furniture. No, it was Argos. It was Argos. Yeah, Argos was the place to be before era before Ikea? Cause we didn't really have Ikea furniture. It was Argos. It was Argos. Yeah, Argos was the place to be before we had Ikea. Or a local furniture store. I used to love building flat pack.

Oh God, I hate it. Stop it. I can't think of anything worse. My dad used to get his friends around, gather around, look what this child can do. And he used to put some flat pack out and he used to take the instructions. He used to go, watch her build this.

And you could. Fascinated, my dad was fascinated that I could just build it. Yeah. Chris always says, Oh, look at the instructions. Fuck the instructions. Look at the picture on the box. Come on, build the fucking thing. When we kindly got sent the stuff from Boots for the babies to play with in the studio, I'm like, let's read the instructions about how to put the baby walker together. You got that straight in there, pop, pop, pop, pop. And it was up. I'm dyslexic. I ain't got how to put the baby walker together. You're like that straight in there. Pop, pop, pop, pop. And it was up dyslexic. I ain't got time to read instructions. Can't read that shit. Nowadays, obviously, they're images.

So that's great. But still can't be fucked. I'll just build it. What's the worst that can happen? Break it. Build it wrong. You got to shift it around. Do you know what Stefan always does?

He's really good at flat pack. He's like the person in our house that does that. And thank God, cause I hate it. But he always puts the backboard of the furniture on so that the chipboard is facing like in and the nice bit is facing out. And he's like, well, you put the nice bit on the outside. I'm like, I see at the back of a fucking wardrobe.

It's up against the wall. Now I've got to open it and go, fucking chipboard at the back of the ward. God, shit. No, no. I need you. Always on the inside. I need you in my life. I bet he does the instructions, doesn't he?

He does read the instructions. Lines all his tools up. Yeah. All these little piles of nuts. Yes. And bolts. Yeah, amateur. So predictable.

Amateur hour. That's so predictable. So predictable. But no, that's where we've been at. Yeah, it looks really good. Lots of lovely people. I'm really impressed. A few unkind.

People wondering why, you know, I'm suffocating the children. How dare I take the room away from Dottie? or a few unkind people wondering why, I'm suffocating the children. How dare I take the room away from Dottie? How dare I do that? No wonder she's got anxiety. Oh God. Don't fucking throw that in my face.

But what comes with the negative, I got insane amount of positives. And a lot of people asked about where things are from. Also, somebody asked if they could ask, my dad could come and build it for them. So I tagged my dad in there and I was like, look dad, if you get some messages, you might have to build a couple.

Yeah, you can start a new business. Yes, you could. Yeah, make a fortune. When did KFC go? When did Colonel, didn't he, he got famous or became a millionaire at like 60? Really? Wasn't it?

Your dad's probably looking to retire and wind down and now you've got a whole new side hustle. My dad will never ever retire. No, no. He'd like to do something different now at this age. Maybe not be an electrician anymore. Like I feel like he's over that jam. But no, he would never retire.

He'll be going till the day. He keeps telling me weird things at the moment, trigger warning, telling me weird things at the moment about how he would like his funeral. He talks about it so openly and so like comfortable and he's like, don't forget when you put me in the ground to send a text off my phone. And I'm like, what do you mean? All right, dad. He wants to send a text, like send a text off of like his phone to, to, to certain people. And then obviously to everybody. Why?

Cause he just thinks it will be funny. Like he's texting from the grave. You know? That he's put that in his funeral wishes. Yeah, yeah. He's got a lot. He's got a lot of requests. He wants everyone in like Hawaiian dress.

No one's to wear black. I just keep saying to him, dad, why are you talking to me about this shit? Yeah. Like I'm not prepared. Like again, not only am I trying to raise children through this life, I feel like you're, like you've got a whole new dimension of being a daughter

and now you're going through a realm of having to look after. Like I'm very aware that my mom and dad are getting a lot older. My dad's not as strong as he used to be. He gets tired a lot. I'm now going into learning new things about my mum and dad. Life's wild. It's weird when you have that switch, isn't it? And then they look after you your whole life and then eventually you're probably going to have to look after them.

I keep saying to my mum, look, be nice to me. I'm picking your fucking nurse's name. Yeah, my mum always says that about me. Or she always says it'll be my middle daughter that looks after them because she's the one that's left. Mum says, I'm not going to the nurse the one that's not going to rock sands. Yeah, it's gonna be so well, I'll take dad you take mom. She's like no fucking I want to daddy. It's gonna be my other sister that takes them because when I moved to Wales, I'm not gonna be able to do it.

Am I? Oh, you're moving away and leaving me anyway. So you won't have to do any of the I'll take Nicky caring. I'll take care. Yeah, take it down. She put down stuff. I'm done. She put down in a box, few air holes in there.

Same as the window in the children's bedroom. So I won't fucking worry. My dad keeps talking about his funeral as well. I don't know what it is for these guys. And he sent me a copy of his will the other day. What? So that I could copy it. Cause I need to make one.

Have you got one? Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. I need to do that. I did it when we had Colby. You should do it when you have kids, shouldn't you? Yeah. Yeah. And I have a bit of fucking admin to add to my list. I did it when we had Colby. You should do it when you have kids, shouldn't you? Yeah. Another bit of fucking admin to add to my list.

So again, this is all the parenting things that no one ever tells you about. Look, when you have children, this is the things that you should do. I know, I don't have time to do shit. I need to book my cervical screening. Yes, you keep getting messages about that. That's a reminder, if everyone would just message me

who's listened to this episode. Have your smear. You're not allowed to call it a smear no more, are you? Why? Cervical screening. Why can't you say smear? Don're not allowed to call it a smear no more are you? Why? It's cervical screening. Why can't you say smear? Don't know. Well not that you can't say it, you can say it,

but it's not technically a smear no more. Cervical screening. All right. I feel like cervical screening sounds nicer than smear. Smear is a horrible word. Yeah, it's a horrible word. Same as that little boy smearin' the shit down the toilet and on the floor.

The poo ninja. Back to the last episode. The poo ninja. But that's last episode. The poo ninja. But that's my week. How's yours been? Do you know what? It's been quite a big, well, it was meant to be the start of quite a big transition

because we want to get Sadie. In the cot. In the cot. That's why we did the bedrooms. Is he going in there now? We're having daytime naps in there and Annie's sleeping on his tummy. Transitioning into it.

Yeah. When are you putting him in there at night? I think we're, I was going to do it at the school holidays, but it kind of hasn't worked out because everyone's been poorly. So everyone was sleeping all over the place. But I think we are gonna try it once the babies

go back to school. So I think once they're back, daytime naps, then we'll get them into the nighttime. I am meant to be, I was actually meant to start last night. So like eight months he'll be then. Eight months, yeah. Sadie's like seven and a bit months. I was actually meant to start last night. So like eight months it'll be then. Eight months, yeah. Sadie's like seven and a bit months. I was actually meant to start last night

weaning her off the boob at night. Ooh. She has become very reliant on it. She's a milk monkey though, isn't she? She is a milk machine. I think because she's been ill recently. Yeah. It's one of the only things I can do

to comfort her at night. And also I've just been doing what I need to do to get through. Like, cause I mentioned we've been away for a few weekends. I had her on my own a bit and I think I just need to sleep and get through the night yeah and I don't want to wake Joseph up as well so like basically whenever she cries and she's upset and she's like I don't want that fucking dummy I just feed her to sleep obviously now I'm trying to not do that because I've got to go back to work I've got I need to be sleeping through the night by this, like Joseph had already like

stopped having food in the night. But I feel like we're so much slower doing things with Sadie. A, because I don't have the pressure of having to be back at my radio job. B, because she's our probably last baby. And I feel like I'm clinging on to things a little bit more cause I just know it's going to be the last time. So even as she wakes me up in the night to feed,

and obviously I'm really tired. Last night, Stefan was like, right, we're going to use a bottle to wean her off in the night just so that she doesn't have that connection between like. I feel like Stefan just has the most irrational like. But I'm like, she can't have a bottle from me because she knows that I smell of milk. Yeah, right. So last night I was like, I'm going to take the bottle up to bed and we're going to, Stefan's here, actually fucking here this week. Wow. We're going to try and do it. Yes. He's just been away on a golf weekend.

Add that into the Stefan files. Stefan's file. It'd be like that draw from What's That film when he just pulls out and he's like... It never ends. What's the film? I know. What's the math? Ace Ventura Pet Detective? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. So I was like, I'm going to do it. Take the bottle up to bed with me.

Literally, as soon as I went up there, she started crying. And I picked her up and I hadn't put my pajamas on yet. So I didn't have a t-shirt on. She was literally like, sucking my arms, sucking my shoulder, sucking my neck. I'm like, no, no, no, I'm not going to feed you. I'm just going to soothe you to sleep. Like trying to give her the dummy. She's like, I'm going to feed you.

I'm going to feed you. I'm going to feed you. I'm going to feed you. I'm going to feed you. I'm going to feed you. I'm going to feed you. I'm going to feed you. I'm going to feed you. I'm going to feed you. I'm going to feed you. I'm going to feed you. She's literally like, sucking my arms, sucking my shoulder, sucking my neck. I'm like, no, no, no, I'm not gonna feed you.

I'm just gonna sue you to sleep. Like trying to give her the dummy. She's like, all over my chest and everything. Eventually she finds my nipple. I went, I texted Stefan downstairs. I went, I'm fucking feeding her already. I went, this night of weaning her off is going really well.

You took too long to get up here Stefan. She's already on the boob. Honestly, if I go anywhere near her, she's like, she can find. What age did you say Joseph was? I went back to work when he was five months. So by five months, he was off the boob in the night. And by six months, I stopped feeding him all together.

Got you. So she's like seven, eight months. And obviously it's gone on a lot longer, but I do need to, we do need to do it. But it's hard. It's really, and also emotionally, I was like, I'm not ready to start that yet, because that's the closing of like another chapter where like, yes, it's really tiring to get up

and feed her in the night, but it's also lovely to like have that bonding moment. It's just me and her in the dark, and she normally just like lays down next to me and goes to sleep, and I kind of love it, but I know it has to end. That's really sad. it is really sad. Also I'm like Stefan you're fucking getting here doing some fucking work.

No. Never. I thought you were gonna cry. No but I do feel sad about it because with Joseph I was like I think I know I'll feed another baby so it's fine. But with her, unless there's a third. Don't take their moments for granted. Unless there's a third.

But yeah Stefan needs to buck his ideas up and get in there and start giving another bottle at night. Unless there's a third. But yeah, Stephanie, she's bucking his ideas up and getting there and start giving them a bottle at night. You could start going now. No. No? No. My mom got pregnant with me when my sister was eight months. So that was like around about now.

Yeah. No, thank you. No. No, thank you. No. I always say to her when things are hard, like we've been ill this week, I've been doing a bit of solo parenting

and when they both need me and we're all sick, I'm like, I keep saying to my mum, how the hell did you do this? Throwing another child into the mix, like three babies. No, I can't. I found two quite overwhelming. I think, yeah, I'm done. I can't spread myself thin enough because Joseph's still so little as well. I think that's what, because people always say to me, how do you do three?

These two are so big now. Yeah, so big. And I, oh gosh, Renly is just, it couldn't be any more perfect. Like for the, for the family dynamic. Yeah. And yeah, we feel, I speak on behalf of Chris, but so lucky to have him. But I think because the other two are so much bigger, it makes the situation.

My mom had three under three. Oh, no. Absolutely. And twins, so like two babies at once. And I was a right clingy mommy's girl. I don't know how they did it, our moms. I don't know how they did it. Respect.

I think my mom was drunk most of the time. I mean, it was the fucking nineties. Eighties, I was born in the eighties. Yeah, we're eighties. Yeah. I was 88. Yeah. So she was probably drunk.

Most of the time. Yeah. Most of the time. I know. I sit down to dinner with a large glass of wine and I'm like, I fucking need this. I... So does Renly. Oh, well, wild week.

Yeah. So you're going to try and wean her off the boob. We're going to try and do it. But I'm just like... You've still got a couple of weeks here. When are you back to work? January? January. Yeah. Yeah. It just, I want to... over the festivities, have her off the boob. You can enjoy. And Stefan will actually be there. Oh, bloody hell. Is he all right? Yeah. Yeah. It's taking Christmas off. Aren't I lucky? Wow! Yeah. What did you do to deserve that?

I don't know, honestly. You suck as dick. It's once a year. Once a year. Not sucking dick. I thought that's why. Him getting the time off. I offered him to suck as... Let me clarify. Yeah. So we'll do it, but it just, I should never say it's like a good time and I'm not emotionally tidy. No, I was going to say, you just got, you go at your own pace.

Yeah. If anyone's got advice for weaning off the boob in the night, do let me know. Yes, that would be good. I'm not looking forward to it. Or anyone got any funny stories on weaning off the boobie. Yours is quite funny. So Emma and I really want to hear from you. Want you to join us in the Secret Mom Club. You're all welcome. You can share your secrets with us,

respond to what we've been talking about, or just say hello. You can find us on TikTok and Instagram. Just search for Secret Mom Pod, or you can email us hello at secret Instagram. Just search for secret mum pod or you can email us hello at secret mum pod.com. Right. Are you ready? Yeah. It's time for correspondence corner. I didn't know if you were going to say the, oh, didn't you? I was waiting for it. The correspondent. I threw it in today. Just went straight in. I was waiting for the queue. Correspondence corner. So Emma, let's have our first one please. All right this one says, hey girls congrats on getting Joseph

potty trained Emma. I thought she was gonna say both of us, I was gonna say it definitely was a team effort. I was here supporting the team. I've got two pre-teens and two teenagers and potty training has been my least favorite part. Yeah me too. I waited until my first three were around three years old before attempting potty training, partly because I dreaded it, but also because I'd heard that if you wait until they're ready, it doesn't take too long. And for me, that turned out to be true. Each one took less than a week.

Wow. With one of my kids, I tried starting at age two, but after a week of frequent accidents, we went back to diapers. When he was ready, it only took three days. My sister-in-law actually started training from... My sister-in-law actually started training her first from birth. We'd been really interested in this, hadn't we? But I'd say in that case, it's the parent who's trained, not the child.

Plus he still had accidents until he was four. Her sister's little one. Yeah. With her other kids, she waited until they were two or three and things went much smoother. I hope that helps. Melody from Canada. Wow, a beautiful name Melody. Love that name. With an IE as well. With an IE. Stop it. That's naughty. That is. Love that. That is stunning. That's really interesting because we were talking about the newborn thing that Catherine Ryan was talking about. With the added pressure of having a newborn baby to try and potty train, how do you put them on the potty? Like, and they're like. I think you've just got to catch it every time they go.

What? But you have to be on high alert all the time. What, so do the baby just say nudies all the time? I think she's right there. The parent becomes trained to when the child's gonna go and not actually the child remembering it. That's too much. I think their little brains are probably too young to know.

Too much, too much. And always there's a massive cabuffle at the moment on social media, the 17 diapers. What's that? There is a woman that loaded a video on TikTok that did 17 diapers and everyone's calling it the 17 diaper trend. She basically has a toddler and a newborn at home and she says, I'm going to walk around the house and see how many dirty diapers I've got. So she walks around and we'll walking around her house with her.

May I add her house was beautifully clean. It was so clean. There was washing. There was the normal mum shit. To me, I don't, I see past that stuff because that to me is normal. That's a normal life. So she counted in a bag, 17 diapers and the amount of people that were vile about that poor mum just doing her best. 17 diapers to me, 17 diapers is a baby's been changed 17 times. There's no nappy rash. There's no uncomfortableness. There's no sore bums. There's no nothing. And it just, it baffles me. Like I just, I can't, I understand that nappies are not the most comfortable, but just keep changing them. That's where I was going from that story is the fact there's 17 diapers, meaning there's 17, there's 17 changes the babies had. So they're not uncomfortable. Like, I just don't

know how many times, like I change Renly so much. Like I can't, there'd be just piss and shit all over my house. I'd become the 17 diaper. People would come and hate me because I just be like, Oh, there's 18 lumps of shit. Think how many diapers you would save though. If you were in there. When we had that brief period of time where Joseph and Sadie were in nappies, it was like a few months, the amount of nappies we were getting through was insane. Like our black wheelie bin was just full of nappies and nothing else. Fortnightly collection nightmare. It was like full to the brim of shit.

I would just like to add that I find the 17 diapers very normal. Yeah. But the 17 diapers lying around. But it's much better now that we've like halved the number. I do feel good about it. But when you've got to weigh up the options, like are you going full out? One, a naked baby who's going to get sick, cold, covered in poo and wee, your house is going to get wrecked. The clothes, the clothes must be covered in... Yeah, but you wouldn't put clothes on them because what would be the point of a two-day old baby having no nappy? Yeah, no, I don't. I don't get it. I can't get on board. I'm definitely down for all of you that are on the pot the training from newborn. I just can't get on board.

It's interesting what Melody says, though. He actually had more accidents. Yes. Going forward until he's four, because then they would get to an age where they would feel embarrassed that they. Yeah. When Colby was Colby was it was just before. When was it? He was two. So he just decided when Dottie came along, he no longer wanted nappies, that was for the baby. And he went and did it all completely on his own, which I said to you, I personally feel like when they're ready, they'll tell you they're ready. But loads of people said to me when I was potty training Joseph in Spain,

and I put an Instagram story up and loads of people messaged saying, if it's hard, they're probably not ready. Go back, don't do it. He's not ready. And I was thinking, no, he is ready. Even though it was like challenging and he didn't get it straight away and he didn't like How is he when you put a nappy on him? Now? Does he tell you, no, I don't want the nappy?

No. So you take it off? No. I wouldn't say he's ready. No, but we don't put a nappy on him during the day. We only have a nappy at night now. But literally Colby would not have, would not let me put one on at night time. Oh, yeah. Say no nappy nappies for the baby.

No, it's fine. But I knew he was ready because he was fighting his nappy so much. Got you. He didn't want to nappy on. So the daytime nappy is fighting. The daytime nappy. He didn't want to have a nappy change. Okay, yes.

He is smart enough to know about going to the toilet. He understands everything I say. It's just that when he didn't get it in like- Is he accidents at nursery? No, he doesn't have wee accidents ever anymore. But I put that post up in Spain after like maybe a week of trying. And when he hadn't got it in a week,

I was a bit like, why hasn't he got it? I'm really frustrated. Two or three weeks in, I was like, he's getting it. This is fine. Like I just needed to lower my expectations. He's totally fine. He totally understands all the language around it. He's good, apart from this thing about withholding poos now.

And with the nappies that we do put on him, sometimes for long car journeys, when we're going to Wales, I'm like, I'm not stopping if we're going for seven hours. And at nighttime, but we've changed the language around it now. We call them traveling pants and nighttime pants, not nappies.

So he'll say like, can I do a wee in my travel pants? And then he knows he can sit in his car seat and do a wee safely. But he understands when he doesn't have them on and we say, you're in your pants now, so maybe you need to tell mom and daddy when you need the toilet, need the potty. He gets it absolutely fine.

It was just that when he didn't get it straight away, I was getting frustrated. Yes, but that's what I was saying. So I think Colby was potty trained by two, but they had like, there'll be the odd time he had an accident or he didn't make it to the toilet quick enough. And he'd be uncomfortable and slightly embarrassed

about wearing wet trousers. So to be four and putting them through, no potty training from newborn, sorry, to put them all that way and then still have an accident. So it's four plus they've got to go to school then as well. Once four or five they've got to go to school. I don't know. I wonder if they're just used to like being able

to let it go their whole life. That when they're older, they're suddenly like, well, what I've been able to wee and poo. Why are you making me go on a toilet now when I've been free? Cause you're falling. You can't say to a baby like we need to go potty or we need to go toilet.

Like they obviously don't understand you. I don't know. It is definitely the worst bloody part of parenting though. It's a mind boggle, the go potty, we need to go toilet, but obviously they don't understand you. I don't know, it is definitely the worst bloody part. It's a mind boggle, the newborn potty training. I couldn't have done until three with Joseph in nappies. He definitely was ready to like not be in nappies. Only you know, no one else can tell you. But Colby, yeah, refused nappy at night time

and that's when he went dry for the night. But they do say if you can keep them dry in five days or seven days, then that's it. They won't go. It takes seven days for them to re train their brain. Yeah. I read that book. Oh crap. And she was like, um, lots of children get it by like four days in or whatever. So then on day four, I was like, what the fuck? Why is he still wetting himself? And Stefan was like, chill. Yeah, he's two and a half, Jesus. So yeah, but we're there now. And I'm glad we did do it when we did,

but at the time I was like, what have I done? It is stressful. Oh, it's a nightmare. Yeah, it's really stressful. So much bloody laundry. So much laundry. Thank you, Melody. Thank you, Melody.

Yeah, thank you so much. We've got another one here. It says, hello, lovely ladies. I wrote to you a few months ago when I found out I was pregnant after hooking up with my ex. Do you remember that? Yes. We were like- And we needed to know whether she was going after hooking up with my ex. Do you remember that? Yes.

We were like, and we needed to know whether she was going to what she was going to do. Yes. I wanted to update you on my journey. Wait, I've got an itchy ear. Hold on. I can read it. I'm back in the room. You are absolutely right.

The support has been amazing, especially from my parents. And now I'm really enjoying pregnancy. I'm 24 weeks along feeling so much better now that the tiredness is eased up and I can feel those little kicks. Ah! Thank you for your encouragement. I'm ready to take on the world as a single mom to be anonymous.

Yay! Yay! Yay! Oh my gosh. Honestly, I'm not joking when I say listen to this podcast and you're gonna wanna have a baby. Huge, huge, huge congratulations. How exciting.

Oh, so exciting. She was so nervous to tell her mom and dad, wasn't she? Yeah, I'm really glad you've had amazing support. I'm really glad. I'm really glad that they're really supportive of you. And I'm so proud. This is very, this is giving good energy. Very empowering.

Yeah, like she's like, here's to the single mama that I'm gonna be, yeah, you own it. Yes, you have that baby. You have that baby. You can do it, girl. Oh my gosh. 24 weeks as well is- 24 weeks is lovely.

That like 20 week mark, you're like past halfway and it's all the nice bits now, feeling the kicks. 24 weeks to 28 weeks, you get that cute bump. You get the glow, you get the cuteness and you're like, oh this is cute. Let's not talk about the end of it where you feel fucking huge and you can't wait to get the baby now. You don't feel huge at the end.

I think at the end, I just found every single one, I got bored. My gosh, I'm bored of waiting. I'm bored of waiting. I just need to huge at the end. I think at the end, I just found every single one, I got bored. Like I was just like, I'm bored of waiting. I just need to meet this baby now. But the third trimester is the hardest. And that's, you know, I think if you, again, I think the more babies you have, it doesn't get easier, but you just know what to expect.

And that first baby, you just never know what to expect, do you? It does go fast though. I would say like, before you know it, they'll be here. Yes, so enjoy, or do all the things for you. Have like a mummy moon, take yourself away, have nice little dinners, just you on your own, solo dates, cinema, nice cozy baths,

because when the little bubba comes along. Shit gets real. Yeah, but then you're gonna have a little partner in crime, so you'll be able to then relive it. Yeah. But with your little, your little double. Oh, congratulations. I'm so jealous. So jealous. Oh, I can't do it again. No, I'm not that jealous. So you can get in touch with us on anything at all. It can be serious or silly and you can be totally anonymous. Because between us we've probably heard it all before and remember... We're all in this together and we know that we are, we're all stars and we see that...

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Listen only on BBC Sounds. This is the Secret Mom Club, the safe space for we, for me, or you, or anyone to be honest to share their secrets. So here is not my secret. It is Emma's secret of the week. I'm loving that you're involved in this. Well look, I've really been pulling my weight a bit more recently because I went away on holiday for so long and Safina is making me pay. My sister had to share a secret. Did you hear hers?

Oh my God. Yes. The group chat. My brother-in-law was absolutely livid. Fuck. I haven't given you an update on that. Why is he livid? He was livid that Roxanne shared the story. He was like, people at work listen to the podcast. Now they know what I did. Oh, oh God. Sorry if you're listening. Oh, it's causing marital problems. I said to Roxanne, why is James so pissed about that story? It wasn't like you sent a nude of him to the group chat. He's annoyed because it makes him look bad. Yeah. I didn't mean to do it. And I was like, no, I know you didn't. You've got to be careful. My family are like, don't talk about this on the podcast. Don't talk about me on the podcast. I'm like, well, I've got a fucking platform and I'm going to use it. My life's

too boring, so I got to use you guys. Yeah. All right. Well, I'm making you work for it. So. Work, work, work, work, work, work. Hard work. I've had, well, cause I've had a few secrets. You have had a few. It's been a wild time in our house.

Has been wild. You know, I said the babies have got constipation. Still constipated. Joseph's holding it in cause he doesn't like going to the toilet on the potty or the toilet. And Sadie got a little bit constipated when we switched over to weaning. Yes.

Which I feel a bit bad about cause I'm like, oh, I was just giving her like breast milk and formula and her body was like loving this. Soon as I introduced solids, she was really, really struggling to get her poo out. For a couple of days, I'd say it was actually very traumatic to watch. Like she was really, really distressed

and just like, you could just tell she was just so uncomfortable. So when they do the... Her little hands were shaking. Oh stop. Like really struggling to get it out. It's really heartbreaking. Joseph's on Movacol, he's on a laxative,

which he has been on actually for about a year to help him get moving. But I don't know whether babies as young as Sadie can have it. And also I don't really want to start her on medication if I don't have to. So I started trying to do some natural things. It's like giving her like lots of soft food,

like lots of fruits, prunes, that kind of thing. And it has eased up a little bit now, but the place where she kind of found it easiest to go to the toilet was in the bath. Cause I feel like that warm water was just like relaxing her. And after I gave birth to Dottie, I took a shit in the bath. Yeah, you did.

Did you find that that helped? Yeah. I think it's kind of just like, yeah, it makes her relax. And also she's got that little snuggle bath that she like sits up in. And I think that angle was like- Good for her. Helping her.

Good bends down the U-bend. Helping her like get the flow out. The motion. So she did a couple of poos in the bath and I was a bit like, bit annoying, but I'm kind of glad that she's just getting out. And then one of the nights she did a poo in the bath. Her and Joseph share the bath now,

but I put Joseph in the big bath and her in the little snuggle. Snuggle, but in the bath, next to him. Yeah, so the poo wasn't contaminating anyone else, but she was doing a poo in the bath with Joseph right next to her. Shame that she did that because he has since shat in the bath twice.

I'm like, no, no, no, we don't, Sadie wasn't modeling good behavior. Okay, this is not where we, this is not where. This is not where we poo. And then they'll start warm with their poos. I'll touch your poo if you touch mine. Woo, it's a poo party. It's when you let all the water out of the bath

but the poo just stays. And it smears. And it smears, doesn't it? With the last let all the water out of the bath, but the poo just stays. And it smears. And it smears, doesn't it? With the last drain of the water and it just smears down the tub. Yeah. And you just get a line of brown down the bath. Yeah, you just get a giant, almost like six foot skid.

Always reminds me of Kevin and Perry in the ocean. We got ourselves a bath! Flutter! So she started going in the bath one night, but she was still struggling to get it out. She was a little bit distressed and I thought, bless her, I'm gonna have to give her a hand. So I had to, I basically had to manually get out her poo. Yeah. I, I had to use my finger. Oh, you went in.

Well, yeah, but not like, not do you have to, I basically had to help her scoop a little bit. Is that bad? I've helped, so Dottie used to get really backed up and I used to put my hands on like her hips to rotate her knees to her chest. What, lay her on her front? So like that, on her back. All right.

Put her, so these would be her legs in these bits. Yeah. And I used to have to hold up, but then push her bumhole, it's like play dough. Yeah. I used to have to hold up, but then push her bum. It's like play dough. Yeah. Push beside on the tension points to try and get it out. Yeah. But my God, they can push then on you. Yeah. Can't they push against you? I think if she'd been in the- I find it really satisfying. I'm not going to lie. It's like a pop in a spot. It is satisfying, isn't it? When I, because the poos blester had been so hard. When I popped

out like a couple of little pebbles, you could tell she was like, oh, she was so relieved. It's when they get that pluggy bit and then it just pours out. That's what she, I needed to let the plug out basically. Get the plug out. Yeah. It was like that time when Joseph did that massive dump on the carpet. And then it just didn't stop coming out. And then it never stopped. That was so satisfying.

Oh, I loved it. Honestly, the thud, you should have heard it. Boom. But yeah, that's, that's my secret of the week. I've been manually evacuating my baby's poo. A lot of people have done it. I hope a lot of people have, because when I was like, is this like, okay to do? But in the moment, I felt like I need to. Yeah. Luckily, I've got short nails.

But you got to do what you got to do. You got to do what you got to do. You got to do what you got to do. And I could tell she was so pleased, bless her afterwards to have it out. God bless you. And how were you after that? I was fine. Yeah, I gave my hands a wash

and moved on with bath time. You know? Moved on to my sandwich. Hang. You got to do what you got to do. You really have. There is that moment though where I'm like, okay, cause normally-

How the fuck are we getting this shit out? Normally Stefan's obviously not there. So I'm like, okay, because normally- How the fuck are we getting this shit out? Normally Stefan's obviously not there. So I'm like, okay, so low bath time, I've got to deal with Joseph. Don't people say gasoline on the bum hole as well? To lube it up. To lube, yeah, to make it a little bit. I mean, then I'm like, okay, she's in a shitty bath now,

so I've got to get her out, I need to empty the bath water, do something with all this shit. Joseph's still in there, so I can't put it down the bath, so I've got to deal with that in the toilet, get Sadie back in so that she's clean and not covered in shit. Get them back, it's just like, you know.

What the fuck? It's the whole thing. Again, three kids, mental. Joseph took a shit in there. Then Stephanie took a shit in the shower. I really wish he was there. Do you know what actually, always slagging him off for never being there, I had payback.

Joseph's been constipated for ages and we went swimming the other day and we do still put him in a swim napkin just in case. And he decided that the pool was the place where he wanted to let loose on like four days of shit that he held him. Stefan takes Joseph to the men's changing rooms now, I take Sadie to the girls changing rooms. They didn't come out for ages. I was like, what have you been doing in there? He went, oh my God, when I took the swim nappy off, he was like, there were four days worth of shit in there. He was like, I've never seen a shit so big in my life. I I took the swim nappy off, he was like, there were four days worth of shit in there.

He was like, I've never seen a shit so big in my life. I went, well, there you go. You come back from a golf weekend and that's how Joseph repays you. Okay. That's what you have to deal with. He was like, I couldn't even contain it in my hand. It was so much shit.

Oh my God. Again, relieved for Joseph to have it out. And I'm glad that it was on daddy's watch. And I'm glad it was in the swimming class. Yeah, the nappy did a good job of holding it in. It was- Well, kudos to the swim nappy. Kudos to the swim nappy.

Yes. Little swimmers, took me out. You have. Pfft. Ha ha ha ha. All right, now let's get into some of yours. Yes, we've got three secrets we're gonna be discussing this week.

So Emma, take us away with number one, please. It says, hey ladies, Roxanne's secret. Oh, we were just talking about this. We were just talking about this. They heard us. Yeah. Roxanne's secret with the disappearing picture on WhatsApp reminded me of when my daughter was born. My husband posted a beautiful announcement on Facebook with pictures of our newborn and the two of us still in our little newborn bubble. Scrambling through the photos in my hospital bed, I was horrified to see one of us just after birth with my entire boob on display, full nipple and all. We took it down within 15

minutes but to this day I still have no idea who saw it and it haunts me 16 months on from Laura in Nottingham. We've all been there. We've all been there. I find myself capturing like really cute pictures of like me and Sadie together, which we've just been feeding. Send them mostly just to Stefan and he's like, you know, your whole nipples. Do you know what makes me laugh? Is when you load like on Instagram, you know, you can load like a cluster of pictures. Yeah. And you randomly got like a one of you in your laundry that you sent your friend like or something, you know, and you just get and you scroll along.

Oh, that's basically what it is, isn't it? Oh, gosh. Oh, dear. Oh, Laura, we've I was gonna say we've all been there. We've all been there. Yeah, I haven't been on Facebook, but I've definitely had a nip slip. I think I've done it on Instagram. But you know, when you're loading it

and you're midload and then you're scrolling through, you're like, back, back, back. Cancel, cancel, cancel. I think sites like Facebook and Instagram actually don't let you have nipple out anyway, do they? Or let people report it, do they? It's only a boob. I know.

We're not reporting men's nipples, for fuck's sake. I'm team free the nip. Oh, I'm team free the nip. Who gives a fuck? Let it out. Fucking hell, people are so bloody stressed. So prudish, aren't they? Can you imagine if we made men wear bras? I know.

Why don't you wear a bra? Yeah. Hide your nipples. You know? It's the same. Ours are just all different shapes and sizes. Yeah. Some are men's though.

I wouldn't have mine out. I don't think I want the law to be that I... But if I was to have it out. It is funny how like... I don't want I want the law to be that I, but if I was to have it out. It is funny how like, I don't want it to be like, it's funny how funny people are about it. Isn't it? Yeah. But you know, everybody's different and I respect that. And I know, I just think some people can be very unkind about breastfeeding and things like that. And I just think at the end of the day, you're feeding a baby, you're keeping a whole human alive from your nipple booby. Like what the hell? Like I don't, you know keeping a whole human alive from your nipple. It's the most natural thing. Boobie.

Like what the hell? Like I don't, you know, it's not everyone's cup of tea, but I just say, don't worry about the nipple. It's just a nipple. It's just a nipple. Just a nipple. Nice one, Laura's husband. Nice one, Laura.

Thank you so much. So let's have secret number two. It says, hi, gorgeous ladies. I just want to say a massive thank you for being so honest, real and fucking awesome. Fuck yeah. Thanks. You brighten my work from home days as I binge your podcast. I'm a mum of three girls and I'm really struggling with boundaries for my oldest daughter. She's 12 and in year eight so we're hitting the back talk and hormonal stage hard.

It's tough finding the right balance between setting rules and giving her some freedom to learn her own lessons. Any advice would be amazing because she's really starting to... To piss me off. This is a great phrase. She's really starting to itch my shit. And if you'd listened to all the episodes up until this day, you will know how on brand that comment is. That is, keep being you, love always Jen. God bless you, Jen. That's a toughie isn't it?

Yeah. Cause we're not at that stage, but I do have a 15 year old niece and a 13 year old niece. Roxanne would know. Roxanne would know. Let's hit up Roxanne. Get her back on.

Get her back in for some, maybe she needs to be our teen mom guru. Yeah. She's the mom. We get her in once a month. Yes. Ask her about teen problems. Cause then we're covering off all the stages.

Yes. Like she's got teenagers, you've got older kids, and I've got babies. In the middle, and you've got babies. Yeah, yeah. How does she have any experience with this with hers? What does one say? Roxanne's children are not really children, I don't think.

They're just, they're saints, to be honest with you. Me personally, and I'm struggling with boundaries for my oldest daughter. In regards to boundaries, I wonder what boundaries. What type of thing? Yeah. What is it? What boundaries? She says backtalk and hormones. So I guess that's things like being out, being with friends. Attitude.

Yeah, but attitudy. I was a bit like that. I say, I say fight fire with fire. Yeah. I will, I will be that mum that throws myself on the floor at the supermarket. Give her as good as you can. If you piss me off. Yeah. I don't know if I can give any solid good advice on what I'm doing. I don't know if I can give any solid good advice on what I'm doing. I don't know if I can give any solid good advice on what I'm doing. I don't know if I can mum that throws myself on the floor at the supermarket.

Give her as good as you can. If you piss me off. I don't know if I can give any solid good advice on that, but I know there'll be lots of people listening Jen that can give you some amazing advice because I feel like I'd be wrong for speaking on something that I've not personally experienced myself. I'm not looking forward to it because whenever I slag off being a toddler mum, people always go to me, oh, you think you got it bad now? You think it's hard now?

You think it's hard now? You think it's hard now? You think it's hard now? You think it's hard now? You think it's hard now? You think it's hard now? You think it's hard now? You think it's hard now?

You think it's hard now? You think it's hard now? You think it's hard now? You think it's hard now? You think it's hard now? You think it's hard now? You think it's hard now? You think it's hard now?

You think it's hard now? You think it's hard now? You think it's hard now? You think it's hard now? You think it's hard now? Yeah. Shut up. I'll kick you in your foo foo. It's not helpful. But I don't know how you relate to a teenager, because like, I know that you probably want to. I was going to say, how did I relate to my mum? I didn't. I was a right pain in the arm. And I can see myself now, like falling into all the things that my mum and dad did. Like, I know, like they just have your best interests at heart. Like they want to keep you safe and all that. But when you're a teenager, you think. Fuck them old gifters. I'll go out and do what I want. I'll fucking listen to this old bunch of bananas sat around telling me what the fucking hell to do. It's really hard, isn't it? Because if you come down really hard, they could go the other way and just

like be a nightmare. I feel like I'm going to be the worst. Like I just be like, fuck you. Don't fucking talk to me like that. That's not great advice. I feel like you'll be good. I feel like you're, cause you're quite like laid back and chilled in your house. I feel like they will feel like they can like do what they want and come to you with stuff. I always want them to feel like they've won. It's a safe place.

Yeah. So I wonder if that approach, maybe go at that approach. Maybe that would work. So you know, like when you walk away from a conversation and you go, you know, when you have a conversation with someone that really, really scares you and you know that they're wrong, but you're right. And you go in and you know you've won the argument

but you walk away questioning, did I actually win or did I, but you know, you know, that sort of, so I guess I would kind of go in with that mentality of like make her feel like she's won, but in fact, you've won. This is like when I give Joseph two options and both are options that I want. I'm empowering him by letting him choose.

To giving him the choice. I know she's 12 and I know she's grown up. Yeah, so it's a bit not as simple as that. So it's not as simple as that, but I feel like giving her that response as it being that she has technology. I was trying to think of an example. Yeah, give them a little bit of freedom, I feel like.

Cause like I was gonna say, if you come down really hard, that could really backfire. I always find that as well is if I respond to back chat, they do it more. Yeah. So as much as it's really hard for me, I know mine are any little now, but Dottie is six going on 16. And I know it's nothing compared to what she will actually probably be like, but I always just ignore it. Yeah.

There's no point. There's no point me biting or raising my energy. Don't engage. I don't, and it used to just, these just get pissed off with it and they're like, she's fucking responsible. Oh, well, I guess I'll just put them shoes away, shall I? Yeah. And then I'm like, yeah, cool.

Nice one, bruv. That's it, they want a reaction. Or I'm always sickly nice, like, oh, well, I'll just have to do that then won't I? And then I'm like, oh yeah, brilliant. Thank you so much. That would be really kind of you. Killer with kindness. Or just don't say anything at all. Silent treatment.

Yeah. Don't retaliate to it. Because one, the only thing I always find in situations where I'm trying to be negotiable with the children, I know they're a lot younger, is I just stress myself out. So why am I gonna stress myself out when there's no need? Just let it go. Yeah, just let it go. And sometimes I feel like this is not always a lesson for us as parents to be teaching our children. This is definitely a lesson for us to grow as people.

Like, as we always say, it's like the next stage of parenting. And I feel like this is just a lesson to teach Jen. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like for Jen to understand as to how to cope with that next stage. Yeah.

So as much as you're trying your best to find boundaries and deal with the hormones and the preteens and all of that, it's also a massive lesson for you to learn and for you to grow from this situation and prepare you for grow from this situation and prepare you for the next two girls going through this stage. You'll be a pro by then.

Yeah, so go gentle on yourself. Also, maybe explain to her, look, this is all new for mom. I know that this situation feels really shitty. You don't feel yourself. There's lots of changes in your life. Lots of things you're gonna go through. Things you won't even be able to explain. You're gonna hate hate me, you're going to hate the world, you're going to not like food that you like, or you know, boys are going to seem very strange, like

all the normal things to discuss and have like a really friend conversation, like an open friend conversation and just say, look, this is all new for mum. I've never gone through this with your sisters. You're the first one, you are the oldest. You're the biggest, the most grown up. You're setting an example for everybody. So why don't we just try and navigate this way together? Yeah, yeah. And be like a little budspud

and make sure you're dedicating time for her, I would say. God, it is me, like I've got no advice. I know, that was a great little pep talk. Yeah, like give her some time as well. Like all the, we had to obviously go through the period, the period talks, don't we? So I don't know if she's at that stage yet, but things like that and buying her special things and having a day, even if it's one day a month where you just have a day that's just for the two of you. Just to have your friend, I was going to say it quite on quite,

have your friend chat, you know, just sit down and just say, look, this is really fucking new for me. I'm out of my depth. We're both gonna get pissed off with each other. And that's just the way we've got to learn to live with each other and I need you to be honest and talk with me. I know some days I'm gonna lose my temper

and I know some days you're gonna lose yours, but let's just. Ride it out together. Yeah, ride it out together. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. I would definitely go in with that. Would you?

I feel like you were really captivated by that. I was. I think Jen should just replicate that speech and give it to her daughter. That was great. You're too fucking kind. Stop it now. But Jen, thank you so much.

And if there is anybody out there that can give some advice that's gone through this stage, things that have worked for you, please do let in, write in so that we can let Jen, we can pass the message on to Jen. Like a little relay. Like a game of relay for the mums and the dads. Thank you, Jen, and sending you strengths. Sending you all the strengths and the wine. Right, let's have our last one for the week. All right, it says, hello ladies. A few weeks ago, after a few drinks, my partner and I

ended up with itchy legs in bed. Go on, my girl. The next morning, my eight-year-old daughter said, Mum, last night you were talking really loudly in your sleep. I was confused and asked, Oh, was I talking for long? She replied that I was. But then dad started...

I didn't know, two seconds in fact. Yeah, it was really quick actually. But then dad started telling you to shush and then it went quiet. Then she did an impression of, oh no, an impression of the sounds she heard, complete with the groaning noises. Safe to say we only have itchy legs now when the house is child free. Love the pod, Becky! Go on, Becky! Go on, Becky!

You saucy little banger, I would have died. I would have died in embarrassment. Reenacting the sounds. I groaned in. Morto. Morto fido. God bless you though. You took that like an absolute champ. Dad's like shhh. Dad told you to just shut up and then you stopped after that. So thank God. I went back to sleep. Oh, Becky.

You dirty bit. Only having sex when the child is, when the house is child free is going to be very few and far between, isn't it? Imagine. Any child can just come home for lunch. The children are at school. Oh yeah. I forgot children go to school. Mine are there all the time. Yeah, six weeks holiday, you're screwed. Yeah, you're not at that stage yet. No, can't wait.

Oh, you'll be having itchy legs all the time in the kitchen, in the dining room, up in the loft. What were you doing up there? Just getting the Christmas tree down. It's May, what the fuck? It's a good excuse to be like, can't kids, can't, kids are in bed, might wake them up. Yeah, but we can't say that because there is people that there's women that do love

a bit of itchy legs. There's women that actually love their husbands. I've got my chastity pant on again. Lost the keys. Lost the keys again. Oh no. At the moment, mine is I'm going to bed at eight o'clock. Good night.

Chris is asleep before me. I just have to say to him, oh, you fell to sleep last night. Yeah, again. I stayed up as well, especially. Well thank you, Becky. Hope your daughter gets over that. Yeah, that's a lifetime trauma. She didn't know what it was though.

She thought they were chatting. So it's all right. Yeah, she did have a little bit of a gossip in there. Thank you for sharing your secrets this week. Everyone is welcome in the Secret Mum Club. If you'd like to share your secrets with us, you can. The email is hello at secretmumpod.com or with Secret Mum Pod on TikTok and Instagram. Have you been talking loudly in your sleep? Or have you been accidentally exposed? Let us know. There really is nothing too outrageous. Keep an eye out for our Thursday episode. And we'll see you next time on the...

Secret Mum Club! I'm Jordan Stevens. I'm Clara Anfo and this is our weekly music show. A celebrity guest picks the theme, we select the tunes and we battle it out to create the ultimate mixtape. May the best music lover win. Oh, it's about to go down. Let's go! Make me a mixtape. Listen only on BBC Sounds.