Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Group Chat Gaffe

Episode Date: October 17, 2024

Sophiena’s sister Roxanne returns with a revealing secret from her football group chat. The ladies recap their hectic, eventful weeks, and Soph’s secret involves not one, but two trips to the hairdresser! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, this is The Secret Mum Club. I'm Safina. And I'm Roxanne. And welcome to this special Thursday's episode because my Sissy is back. For one more episode. We have loads to get into so shall we jump on in? Shall we? Shall we jump on in? Let's go.

Let's jump on in. I feel like I haven't done an update in ages so i feel like it's only right that you are here we share our week my week your week how's your week been i've been with you for the week you also cracked your windscreen that's a pretty shitty week i feel like i got really upset about it but people say it happens quite regularly all the time i've never had one yet in 38 years i feel like it happens though but james james is like the magician happens quite regularly all the time i've never had one yet in 38 years i feel like it happens though but james james is like the magician that just takes all the car problems i think because i've probably changed my car with the more children i have exactly that's what he

said so he says you've done well to get this far but i was upset it's not your fault is it that somebody else has flung a stone out and chipped your own windscreen and the crack is getting bigger and your fridge fridge blew up fridge broke and tobias drank moldy milk yeah he did that was a rough week for him that was a silly thing he was like oh i could see it was like floating i could see it was a bit lumpy and the kitchen smelled so bad but i thought you know it'll be all right i'll just drink this milk anyway so i had to get a Face Bay fridge to get me by. You sent dad to get the Face Bay fridge. Dad did go and get the Face Bay.

He's a legend. He is a legend. So yeah, what else is happening with your week? Oh, just everything. Mine's not interesting. Everything I touch is breaking. I've broken a laptop. My phone broke.

Our princess has just picked her dress. Oh, what are we talking about? We could talk about everything. Well, we haven't got a picture. My phone broke. Our princess has just picked her dress. Oh, what are we talking about? We could talk about everything. Well, I haven't got a picture to out her dress. Although we could. No, we won't. We could. We're too excited.

If you paint, no. I would never have out it for any form of money. But she said yes to her dress. She did. You came along. Mum came along. We made it a ladies evening out. Ladies night.

The lady opened the door and in you ran towards the dresses. There was rails, wasn't there? Rails upon rails upon rails. These are the fishtails. These are the A-lines. These are the straight ones. These are the poofy ones.

These are the princess ones. These are the ones that slim to your body. These are the colours. These are all the colours because they were all in sections of colours. They're just rainbows and rainbows of colours. It was phenomenal. Yeah. Possibly the best experience ever we we did have a field day we was just dress upon dress upon dress just so hard because she looked absolutely stunning in every single

dress yes didn't she but you're there's little bits you don't like of each dress that you're like oh i feel like this is not the one we could the next one could be better maybe i think as well eden didn't want a dress that everybody else wanted yes so all the girls seem to have gone with a very similar dress whereas eden on trend dress yeah yeah eden just wanted to look and feel like a princess yeah and she did that it's honestly mind-blowing isn't it so that was exciting this week. We did book our Santa. I did.

We did book our Santa. You've got to get that in, haven't you? You're a mum. You've got to start three months ahead to see the big guy. We're off to Tappanell. The Isle of Wight? Tappanell Farm, yeah. Because we had such a great time last year. I was saying this on my Instagram the other day.

That because we got stuck there, didn't we? We took that house randomly. Yeah. We had the best fucking time. We were so lucky that they had it available for us to stay it available i feel like i want to relive it again like we actually don't have enough stuff and we can go on the ferry to the supermarket yeah and buy all the stuff all the pajamas yeah everyone had matching pjs it was just such a fun time it was really good we lost electricity in the house i did had to use a lighter to send dad out like how funny we were

like anyone got any candles and then we all realized we had torches on the back of our phones yeah but we didn't have any charges and we were losing to go to the car to try and use the car sat in the car didn't he yeah he's probably just to avoid us for a couple probably just to avoid us yeah but no that um we booked our santa we are still deciding as to whether or not we're going to Disneyland. You still are. This is where you spring things, see? If I'm going, I'm taking Roxanne with me. Best believe she'll be there as well. This is your impulsiveness.

It's mainly the childcare, to be honest. I need the children for the child. It won't even be me helping. It'll be my children. Yeah, exactly. I mean, you can stay at home. I'll just take all four of them. So, no, it's been a wild month it's been like a crazy month all the weeks have sort of amalgamated into one and i don't see any differentiation

differentiation is that the one i need it to go because if anything else breaks that i touch i'm gonna have a breakdown she's gonna flip her lid yeah she can't take any more i really can't life just needs to give her a fucking break yeah but there you go that's our weeks so if you have any comments thoughts or funny stories why not get in touch drop the ladies an email it's hello at secretmumpod.com and make sure to follow them on tiktok and instagram it's secret mom pod on both next it's time for one of our secrets. We're doing my secret. We're doing your secret.

We're doing you a secret. I'm really surprised I haven't managed to tell you this yet. And I haven't... I'm actually scared because you don't ever not tell me nothing. No, because I know that once I tell you, I'm never going to hear the end of it. Am I going to be angry? No.

Have you shit yourself? No. Pissed yourself? Nope. At a booger? No. I feel like I could keep that to myself because james shit the bed james has done something oh no imagine monday morning lying in bed and up pie pops my whatsapp group chat for the for the football group everly's football group and in it i can see a photo pop up.

It's not a normal download. It's one of them ones you click, like a secret one that you have to download. Do you know about those? No. So if I didn't want the children to see something, I could send you a photo and it's there for like 10 seconds

and then you can't reopen it because once you've opened it, it's gone. Right. It's like a secret one. Okay. So I click it. It's only me and my underwear just a photo that he's taken sneakily of me not that you know that's kind of okay i've been getting ready for a wedding or something and i'm there and he's going oh she looks all right take a little sneaky pic and it's it's on his phone and for whatever reason

he was scrolling ironing through his camera roll, whatever he's done. Photo of me has gone in the group chat. To the football. It's not even to your girlfriend. No, it is not my girl mum band. No, it's not my mum chat. It's not you. It's not in the familams because, you know, my dad seeing my naked bum would be pretty bad.

It's all of the football group. The dads too. The dads are in that. Roxanne, did he purpose you mean to put this photo? Of course he did not. What is he? What's he doing?

Like rape my- What was he fucking drunk? What was he? Rape my wife? I jumped out of bed so fast. Rape her crackers. Where was he when you found this? He's in the utility ironing.

In his pants. I've run out of bed. Oh, ironically, send a picture of you in your pants in the group chat. Couldn't have been him in his pants. I've run out of bed. Oh, ironically, send a picture of you in your pants in the group chat. Couldn't have been him in his pants. Roxanne, how you haven't broken your neck falling down the stairs? I shot. It was 6.22, I remember, because I remember the time that I was opening it. I thought it was suspicious that he was sending a a downloadable photo in the chat and i was

like oh maybe he's sending some photos from the weekend not that you do that at 6 20 and wake everybody up i shot down them stairs screaming blue murder james james he was like oh what what are you come running down the stairs to see me for whilst i'm in my pants you're not getting lucky not on monday morning no at 6 22 a.mam exactly open that fucking WhatsApp and look at that message you've just sent he was like oh my goodness what have I

what I don't know what I don't know but make it go away and then I was like and then you need to see can you swipe to see swipe across

who's ready because what you need to do is then block them people leave the football team I can't ever see them again

move schools and fucking leave the country what in the fucking fuck knuckles, Roxanne? So then I had to go online to all the mums to see who'd been online, who'd been awake. Kirsty'd been awake.

Oh, I'm not bothered about Kirsty seeing your bum. Are you bothered about her seeing your bum? Well, I wasn't first. Was your fufu out? No, so... Were you in thongs or Bridget's? I was in Bridget's. I was in just a nice underwear set.

No one got a nice Okay so is it a see-through cheek So the pants are see-through Oh there was potential That there was see-throughness So when you have your Nice pretty pants on They've got like

It's not anything I want The manager or the coach Of the team having You know when you scroll Through your photos Because the photos It stays there in your phone Imagine just being like

Oh having tea with your mum later And you're like Could you just I'll just show you a photo Of my dinner last night Oh hold on Roxanne's there in your phone imagine just being like oh having tea with your mum later and you're like could you just i'll just show you a photo of my dinner last night oh hold on roxanne's there in her underwear this genuinely happened to me i was like shaking i feel like i could cry for you because if it was me i wouldn't give a shit but you i nearly died i nearly had to sell the house and just move away you want to imagine the banter on the school mum school run from the mums yeah that's what i haven't told you because you'll never let me live it down you wait later till james gets that phone call you best phone in the whatsapp chat why have you i can show you because it says deleted message if you don't believe me i will show you he then as a decoy

had to send some pictures of the girls playing football that he'd taken at the weekend to make it look like he was meant to put a photo. Have we established who's seen this? As far as I'm aware. So this is Monday this week? No, it was last week. So you've been to training? No, because it got cancelled because of the rain. Yes, it did.

Match day Sunday? James went. I let him go so they could take the mickey out of him for a day rather than me. Was it from the front or the back, your picture him for for a day rather than me was it from the front or the back your picture to be fair i didn't study it safina i opened it for 10 seconds and i leapt out of bed like throwing my phone in the air like a crazy woman screaming i didn't matter who i woke up in the house james take it down yeah i just got down and he's like what it's in the chat it's in that what chat what he had no idea my ass my ass is in the chat oh my christ that's a phenomenal that's a phenomenal

secret i truly will never let you live that down um it's okay that we're in here i'm forgetting that actually i'm telling the whole wide world that that's what he did there is a lot of lovely friends that are here um and if you see me out please don't speak to me about it at least no one's they only heard the story they didn't actually see your true unless you find it and then i will share it then trust me i will share it for you all to see if i find the picture i'll ask james there's some sensors on it i'll have to send james to get james to send it to me so we can see truly how bad, how bad it is. No one wants to be compromised though.

Compromised? Yeah, like don't show me at my vulnerable state. I'm there, nidders. I loaded a picture on my Instagram that I sent you of me tanning my body with my whole vagina in the camera. Yeah, you did, yeah. I'm not bothered, you know. I feel like we've all got foo-foos. True.

But you're quite a private person like you don't like talking about poo or bum holes no you're like the complete opposite you wouldn't share with us how you your poo got stuck in your bum no and you couldn't get it out no because you're severely constipated it took a lot for me to share that that's a that's a lot proud of you though thanks thanks for sharing it with the and this is like an exclusive because no one we all had this at the same time i haven't even told mom either i feel like you can't talk my secret now can you uh probably not you know my secret this week um i had my hair cut as as it's very aware i spoke about it on my instagram stories

but i decided to go for a little freshen up of the color and i said to the lady look i would like a root smudge try and keep predominantly as much of the brown so it's nice and autumnal you know a few highlights through there changing with the season changing with the season yeah but i come out looking like brew what was that oh julia roberts pretty woman i even screenshot the photo and i sent it to you didn't i and i wasn't in a laughing i was nowhere shape or form in a laughing you know i wasn't finding it funny to which roxanne also got my brother-in-law to call me and he was like fuck why did you know i didn't know he was gonna sing pretty woman to you pretty woman walking down the

street pretty well everyone seemed to laugh about it to you. Pretty woman walking down the street. Pretty woman. Everyone seemed to laugh about it bar me. It wasn't funny in the slightest. Like, don't get me wrong, the colour of my hair was beautiful, but when I say I lit up the room, it wasn't luminous. Not for my glowing personality. It was for my hair.

My hair truly. I just couldn't get over how bright it was. I thought it was the lighting of where you were. I asked you to go out in the daylight and it got even brighter. It did get brighter, yeah. I look like Wade in Elemental when he goes in the photo booth with Ember and they have a picture. That was me.

I know. It was because I was talking about Wade. Okay. I don't know what Elemental is. It's Renly's favourite show. So, yeah, I had a little bit of a dilemma and I couldn't go back to the lady because the lady it was her day off and i knew that so i couldn't go back to her equally she'd done such a beautiful job and the color was so beautiful

i felt bad that i didn't want to hurt her feelings yes because it wasn't had it been in the summertime i think it would have been phenomenal yes it just is the fact that we're going into the winter i'm very pale yeah still holding a little bit of water retention from the old mother giving birth i don't think there's any water retention i'm just eating too many cakes um and i just didn't want to hurt her feelings so i had to go no one likes to be mean when they go so what do you think do you like it yes and i to be fair if it wasn't on my head if it was on yours i would love it and the hair was beautiful color don't get me wrong it was stunning color just wasn't for me so i did say to you at one point it looked like you'd taken my hair yeah put it on your head so we had to have an emergency i was worried that renly wouldn't even recognize me

they do that when like the dad shaves their the dad yeah and i was generally so scared that he wouldn't recognize me yeah so we had to take a little dash yesterday literally the day before around 7 000 hairdressers yeah to see if they could help us out can you please help one lady did an incredible job made me feel very much like i'm safina she saved you and put you back i think the worst thing was is that i think you think you're the only one in that moment that hates your hair and i just panicked because it was so bright so not me and i was like i've got to find a hairdresser the next day and i know would you know what right i've got so much sympathy if you're a hairdresser listening to this you must think what a fucking nightmare this woman is because i get it you know cake

makers always rectify yeah not always but there's some cake makers that have to rectify another maker's work because someone's ordered a cake and it's not what they and then you take it to them like fix this this is my baby's first birthday tomorrow and I hate my cake yeah I felt like that person of like I know you didn't do my hair and I didn't book with you originally and I felt really guilty because I felt like I didn't want them to help you yeah I didn't I didn't book you originally and I'm really sorry for that and I'm really grateful and I know I'm at every hairdresser's nightmare because I needed someone to help me and she was wonderful yeah she was so she was so wonderful she did such a good job I came down and gave you a sympathy she come down her and mom come down

to visit me in the hairdressers for a bit of moral support because i was emotional you were emotional shock horror i was crying my eyes out um and roxanne bought me a coffee but we're back now i'm back and i feel better than ever i feel better that you i feel like my mummy glow up is here yeah you know it took three days but we're there we're there also had a fringe cut in little word of advice think really hard if you really want a fringe it's not for the fucking week it's fucking shit weather isn't it you've got the right time of year for a fringe clipping my fringe back and that's how it'll be until it's big enough to tuck behind my ear because the wind the rain i don't think it even lasted 12 hours before i clipped it up it looked like a great idea at the time and then i

was like fuck this shit fuck this you had as well you're cooking when you facetime me and it was clipped back yeah i can't i can't handle it i wish i never had it done i just was trying to disguise you know it was either get a fringe or get botox so the fringe gone. Wait for the Botox in my wrinkly head to come on in. I feel like I'm aging. I'm aging a lot. Well, it's this week. The wrinkles are in that picture.

You just can't see them. But I feel like they, you know, it was either fringe or Botox. I wish I'd just gone for Botox in the first go. Might have been cheaper and less stressful.

So there you go. That is my secret of the week. Not really a secret, but it is a secret because I could have. Yeah, because no one, you didn't come today with a luminous hair. And I didn't talk about it on my Instagram.

To be fair though, my Instagram, I couldn't actually load. My Instagram wasn't working. Well, maybe it was because you were so bright. It just thought, who the fuck is this? No recognition. The face recognition didn't recognize you. My phone wouldn't unlock. My phone would not unlock.

Who are you? Because I had the fringe. You'd have to pull it back. Somebody has stolen your phone. Right. Well, that's our secrets. Confessions, moans, rants. I don't know what you want to call them this week.

Roxanne's is definitely a secret that I don't think we're ever going to forget. Maybe we should pin you up on the wall of memories. I don't think so. Can we have just the WhatsApp chat with your photo in there? Not clear enough that anyone can see it, but just. You can have the message deleted. Did you screenshot the actual picture in there why would i do that i don't know i had to run i hope someone got it cursed if you're watching listening

please can you let me know if you got it did she see it she tells me she didn't but i think she's being polite and nice did anybody else confess to seeing it no not any of the men no i haven't asked them that for the way imagine me walking up, did you see a photo of me in my underwear earlier? Just checking. No? Just delete that for us. Brilliant. Thank you so much.

Well, that's our secrets done. So now we're going to get some of yours. So Roxanne, what have you got for us this week? This is coming from Jade. Hello, Jade. Hi, ladies. Hello. I have a three-year-old boy and a seven-month-old boy,

so life is very entertaining and full of little people's bodily fluids at the moment. Roxanne is going to die at this. I think I might. This comes from Jade. Hi, ladies. I have a three-year-old boy and a seven-month-old boy, so life is very entertaining and full of little people's bodily fluids at the moment. Oh, nice.

We love a box. Roxanne doesn't. Not for me. Yeah. Recently, my three-year-old has become inquisitive about his and other people's bits and bobs. That's Dottie, wasn't it, in the men's toilets? She don't like seeing no other men wee. She's funny with that.

Well, no one does. Oh, no, but it must be scary at five years old to be like, fuck. Definitely. The fuck's going on? Yeah. We often shower together while the baby is being bathed by his dad.

The other day while we were in the shower, he said, mummy, you don't have a willy. I responded, no, ladies don't have willies. Then as he squatted down for a closer look, he exclaimed, your willy is broken. It's all inside your bum. I was howling with laughter and nearly shipped out...

Slipped. You said nearly shipped out the... Shipped out the shower because she was so over-surprised. I don't know what the word is. I was howling with laughter and nearly slipped out of the shower. That was a mouthful then.

Wow. Wee-wah, wee- we were she's got a broken willy because it's all broken inside her bum have you ever had one of yours say anything about obviously dotsy calls chris is the old pizza dick i don't think they've ever said anything about although mine is always gosh your foo foos is hairy as dad's willy yeah I don't even know it's always in the toilet of a shopping centre yeah

yeah that's and then they want to talk at the volume 20 oh my god you're bleeding are you gonna die shall I get your pad for that yeah shall I just go outside

I'll open the door don't open the door don't open the door please don't open the oh we're opening the door but bless what would you do

what would you now do if you take Renly to the toilet now and he's like auntie what's wrong with your fufu is your willy broken I feel like

that's a we need to go and ask your mum that question I hope you ask a funny question yeah don't you come for me

I only want the nice easy stuff I do love it very very much. And they're so, they're clever, aren't they? They've realised,

where is yours? Why is yours broken? Why do you not have a willy? You should get it fixed. You should. Sort that out, mum. Jade,

you need to get your willy fixed. Mum did say you did it as well, didn't she? There is a, there is a story of you running around Tesco's. mum says a lot of stories. Oh, I did run around with tesco saying

do you need this for your bleeding bum but mom also told that story which dotty also recreated that and was like these are for your bleeding bum hole oh maybe that's where she got it from yeah maybe maybe that's where she got it from yeah but i did do it to mom so thank you jade and know that you are not alone because i feel like this happens more so than what people like to talk about. It does happen to me a lot. I don't know why I tell the children like that you get hairy when you're grown up down there.

But I feel like I always need to alliterate with my children. You tell yours once and they never bring it up again. It's when they go, I go to parents even and then they go, oh, Dottie told us

that you've got a really hairy foo-foo. She did a diagram on it. They just don't let, mine don't seem to let it go. And then you go oh dotty told us that you've got a really hairy fufu she did a diagram on it they just don't let they don't mind don't seem to let it go and then you go around to my sisters did you know is your fufu hairy like mum's auntie grammy and they've got no filter on that have they and they'll go grammys how hairy is your fufu like the other day when we had the the the inside out didn't we the inside out thing mum was blue. She went out with the children the next day. And Dottie went, oh, Grammy, she didn't wash all your paint off.

And Colby went, yes, she did. There are blue veins because she's really old. That's pretty funny. I'm glad she found it funny. But there's something you just think, oh, fuck, mum, I'm so sorry. Like he doesn't know what old means.

He was being like literal, wasn't he? Literal. Your veins are blue. They're just a blue vein. You know, when you get old and you also get really blue, squishy veins. Yeah, that's what you got on your face, Grammys. Because he was old. Right, stop.

Stop. No, but. It's when you come back from the day out. And in fact, you're not there to say, right. We don't talk about that. We don't talk about that. It came out so fast, so quick. Roxanne didn't know what to do.

She was unprepared. My mum, she wasn't ready to receive that information. I wasn't there. I wasn't there. I was cleaning up the house from the party before. What's funny, he was retelling the story later. He said it again. He didn't.

Anyway, he actually corrected mum saying, no, Grammys, you said it wrong this is what i said and grammys was like oh yeah that's exactly how it should be you're old with your blue oh gosh well i feel like it never gets it's never gonna go away no especially with boys yeah it's a boy they do love a willy chap. Has your broken willy been pointed out? Let us know. Get in touch via email. Hello at secretmumpod.com or search for Secret Mum Pod on TikTok and Instagram.

And I just want to say a massive thank you to Roxanne for being with us. Not just one episode. We got two. You're on a mini and you're on a for being with us. Not just one episode, we've got two. You're on a mini and you're on a main. How exciting. So thank you. I hope everyone loved it as much as we loved it. I loved being here, yeah.

I loved you being here. I loved being here. Thank you. Secret guilty pleasure. Thanks for having me. Emma's going to be back from her holiday on Tuesday. So we'll see you next time on the Secret Mum Club.