Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Hairy Bath

Episode Date: January 22, 2024

The BIG bumps are in full force with Sophiena having regular baths to help alleviate the pressure and Emma having trouble clothes shopping. But even with the bumps growing, the ladies still have time to read your wonderful letters and secrets! This week we have a baby who loves asking you to 'kiss it better', more chocolate starfish chat and a toddler taking inspiration from Shania Twain. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello hello hello hello what's we got going on here then it's another week and we're back at the secret mum club hq i'm safina i'm emma and this is a podcast a safe space for mums everywhere a safe space to share our secrets because we all have have secrets. And as we know, sharing is caring. You don't even have to tell us who you are. Yep, you can keep that to yourself, you can be anonymous. And those secrets can be serious or silly. All secrets are welcome in the Secret Mum Club. Tell me about your week.

You've had quite the ride, haven't you? Quite the ride. I'm riding that pony. Go on. Magic Nike me, girl. Yeah, who come to mind? What a hottie. He can read me.

Oh, it's not him who reads bedtime stories, is it? Channing Tatum? Yeah, he doesn't do CBeebies, does he? He's Tom Hardy. He's delicious similar vibe though I feel like we should get him on the show I feel like

we tie in nicely with CBeebies yeah can we sort that out guys can we get that arranged that would be that would be tremendous mum club

versus or ex CBeebies who's your guest oh I actually would love a CBeebies collab because I spend

I'd say 90% of my time watching CBeebies you're a Hey Dougie gal say, 90% of my time watching CBeebies. You're a HeyDougie gal, aren't you? Does he still like HeyDougie? Yeah, we're a big CBeebies household. He likes HeyDougie. He likes, we like... Do you like the stick, stick, stick, stick, stick, stick,

sticky, sticky, stick, stick? Yeah, the HeyDougie playlist is always on in our car. Absolutely iconic, isn't it? We get straight in the car and he's like, more Dougie, please. I love that he does that i know it's so cute the little sign language yeah more yeah finger to finger cute and he does little please on his chin yeah when he asks for something i say say please he goes like that oh god love him

oh god i hate him up yeah there you go um so i've had a crazy week yeah yeah i left another one didn't i like another one i left you last week didn't i went for a little i'd had a crazy week yeah yeah I left another one didn't I like another one I left you last week didn't I and went for a little I'd had a little checkup at the hospital yeah because well the first thing I saw after we parted ways was that you were up in the middle of the night I did I took a 2am bath yeah because you couldn't sleep no is that baby related I don't know really yeah I want to say yeah I think people thought I was having nightmares. I'm not. It wasn't like pregnancy, insomnia. I was just in a little bit of pain. Yeah.

Sorry, I'm very... Pain. I was in a little bit of pain. It's the hard burn. I was just in a little bit of pain. And you know when you wake up and you roll and you roll and you roll and you're like, I just can't go back to sleep. I've had a bit of it recently. And I just thought, do you know what?

I'm just going to sit myself in the bath. Put a nice series on. Nice. On the iPad. Yeah. Sorry, it's hot burning like a bitch um so yeah when i had myself off i wasn't there about two and a half hours and do you know what i did well i braved the shave oh i shaved my vagina oh my god i can't

believe because we spoke about it that day and then i saw that you were doing it i didn't see you doing it but i saw you talking about it. FaceTime. Yeah. It's the only person I can call at that hour. We were on the private chat. That's what you don't see on Instagram. That's for hours. That's for only mums.

Yeah. Well, I'm one of your only fans. How was that? I'll bet you feel better, don't you? 10 weeks. 10 weeks. What I, what I pissed myself off more with is the fact that i washed my hair in the pubi bath oh and i can't believe when

you i really annoyed myself and then i found a troll up my bum you yeah not only were you sitting in the pubi bar yes afterwards i was recording content you were recording content for your channel and you found one of josh's toys in there troll at my bum i'd always thought what's this bloody blue thing floating around the bath i thought it might be my hemorrhoid that's just come completely out of my bum hole and i was thinking god what the hell is it just a full-on troll i had to do a pube inspection yeah make sure i had because also i put a flannel because you know when you get in the bath i don't know if anybody else gets in the bath that that bit of the bath. Oh, oh, why? And the bit where you slip.

Oh, it's so cold, isn't it? Yeah. So I do this. Oh, you put a hot flannel down to make it nice and warm. Yeah, and then I dunk it. Oh, yeah. So then I went to wipe my face with the flannel and I was like, fucking hell. Too many pubes in that one.

Fucking hell. Like a Brillo pad. honestly it was a bit pretty much a brillo pad in there and then i yeah wash my hair in the pubert and the pubert and bath so i did um came out dirty then you went in pretty much so i did hose myself down gave myself a shower down that's what you gotta do rinse the pubes out but i thought you know what's the best thing plant a few in my head yeah give them to my mum yeah you were offering her weren't you exactly yeah take it where you can i imagine quite a lot came off after some weeks there was a lot there took me a long time but i felt like after our saga with the shower shave i couldn't put myself through that no i nearly died you

would have passed out and also if you'd done that two o'clock in the morning it would be dangerous because no one would be around no crying crying well i did cry in the bath because chris chris need to get me a towel because i was in so much pain i felt like i was in my own music video like i felt like i needed a joey drippy window like you know i wanted someone to feel really sorry for me like oh poor girl's in the bath no no but i felt like everyone was like why are you shaving in the bath because when i lie down my belly goes near on flatter so you can see so i could see that's the thing when you're standing up and leaning over in the shower it's impossible yeah and then you're fingering around

aren't you like oh i missed this belt and then you're going in aren't you then i cut my arm yeah cut my arm because i was fucking trying to get the razor in there ended up cutting my arm so i was like jesus do you know what i yeah it looks bad i reckon you're in the clear now though until birth i don't think you need to do it i don't think i am i think i need to keep topping up do you but i thought now the mass is gone yeah so now we just manageable it's manageable now yeah yeah yeah even if i take a mirror in there but i don't really want to take a mirror chris is like why don't you use a mirror because i'm fucking scared i'm scared if i can see too much i don't want to look at it i don't want to look at my fufu i might now bumhole do you know what though the same as anybody else you could kill

two birds with one stone and examine your bumhole at the same time okay no i don't know if i'm ready for that i don't because it feels it feels very different does it yeah i said you didn't know it's like the gaping black hole now does it feel like open it just feels very thick thick and wide plumpy like plumpy like ready for a baby to come out no uh no no no you're a bit early yeah no yeah yeah far too early now far too early i do feel like that sometimes though like the weight down there is so heavy that i'm like god surely if i walk another step this baby's just gonna drop i feel like he is gonna walk out with his luggage yeah i'm checking out now yeah i'm arriving at my final destination yeah um so i did go to the

hospital because i had i had that bath that day and i did have a little bit of discomfort i did go to the hospital um they've just got some still concerns with my liver because my liver has got a little bit bigger yeah i'm a bit jaundicey my legs look like i've stolen from marge simpson yeah they're bright yellow um but they there's no concern because he's growing he's fine he's not distressed He's happy. They don't give a shit about you? No, basically. My cervix is open. So they're just going to watch that. Okay.

Because that's obviously quite serious. Yeah. Well, you don't want him to be dropping out. No, no, no. Not anytime soon. Well, at least he's on a bungee. Yeah, they won't be going anywhere. Well, no.

We have to joke about it. Otherwise, I might just cry. So no, I just think when I went to the hospital i just said to her i don't know if it's because she said that because i've done so much walking in paris and because i'd come back it was just all my muscles re-contracting you know like delayed offset muscle yeah when you go to the gym yeah and it's dom's two days after because it's like delayed muscle yeah and she just said it might just be that it's really really heightened and it's just taking some time to go back so he's okay in there he's happy he's a happy little how do you feel now i'm okay yeah i am a little bit up and down i was like i don't know why i

keep getting ill don't i keep getting a cold here there and everywhere but i feel all right in myself just me normal you know more snot goblins but i feel like this is my first pregnancy winter oh yeah because my other two were summer babies yeah so i just don't know if i'm coping very well yeah it's hard yeah it's hard coping very well but yeah no otherwise we're peachy creamy we're doing great the babies are loving being back at school are they both of them only one really i'm sure you can guess which ones yeah i'm sure you can guess which ones enjoy being back he's loving the routine is he yeah because colby didn't want to go back but he's all right and he cried on his first day yeah he went back on the monday but no he's fine now he's settled in how's dotty doing she's just she's just bored she's like why am i still doing this what school like 18 years left

i know come wednesday she's like why am i still doing this sweetheart you've got a long way to go yeah it's gonna be most of your life you might as well buckle up but i think it's just the tiredness the sheer yeah the sheer tiredness of just getting back into a routine. It's been a hard week. Yeah. Trying to settle back into the new normal. Yeah. And by the time we get comfortable, guess what? February school holidays.

We get another week off. It was bloody off, aren't they, these kids? By the time you're back into a routine, they're off. They're off again. They're off for a week. Although, as well, this, I did order my kitchen. Second half of my kitchen. Lovely.

So that's really exciting. So we started work in the conservatory ready for the arrival of that next week. Nice. That's really exciting. So that'll all be done Friday. Wow. Pre-baby though. Oh, it'll be done before the baby.

Yeah. Yeah. Which is exciting. It looks lovely. I'm so very done so far thank you i know so you're not using your oven though no too scared i don't think i even want to use it i think i would like to put an oven in the up the the other part of the kitchen and just have one just for show yeah so have a decorative oven nice and clean yeah and then have

one that's hidden away yeah yeah i don't know if that's possible that that makes me a little bit crazy doesn't it yes i haven't taken the cellophane off of it either oh that'll be satisfying peel porn when you do that though yeah please film it but if i oh msa what oh msa who is he when he's at home asmr asms asmr one of them we'll take her you know ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR

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ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR ASMR Washing machine. Yeah. But just not the oven. The oven's a bitch to clean though, isn't it? Yeah, I never clean the oven. Do you use it? Yeah. How?

Yeah, but I never really clean it. Do you not? Because for me, it's hidden away. So it's like not my problem. Do you know what I mean? Like outside, out of mind. Can't really see what's going on in there. Is it quite clean in there?

Close the door and forget about it. I don't think it's that bad. And then when it gets really bad, I'll just get a professional oven cleaner to come and do it because I can't be bothered. I did want an agar. Do you know, I was looking them up

the other day. They're about 20 grand. Fucking hell, you might as well remortgage your house for one. They're so expensive and when you have them, they're expensive to run

because they're always on. Yeah, my mum had an agar. Ooh, someone's doing well. Sorry, mum. She doesn't have it anymore. It's a very touchy subject sorry if you're listening to this mom um she she did have an aga it was in the old house oh but they downsized because we all moved out

they were in a really big house they had to get a little house you grew up with an aga no no we only had it for like the house that we were in it wasn't my childhood home but i had it from like i think we're in the house about nine years ten years to be honest i loved it yeah to always have something that's warm oh always how my mum used to wash dry washing on it yeah you just huddle around it in the winter oh it was the the best i loved it yeah and then i did you and i was like fuck it if we're here now we might as well get an argo christmas christmas like oh i think we should stick to that zanussi oven that we saw yeah yeah just don't use it i'd rather buy two ovens for the price of that one

so that's gonna be me and i'll get if you're listening reach out out. Help a girl out. Or two. But no, it's just been a bit of a quiet week, really. Settling in, after school clubs, back to school, having the house, getting on top of the house a little bit. Yeah. Nice. I don't know. I was thinking the other day, and I did Google, call me crazy, about the when to prepare for a baby. What do you mean? Like when to pack your hospital bag and stuff like that yeah hospital bag I think I'm okay with because

I'm not really too bothered about that but like when are you gonna put his bed up like his little next next to me bed no I can't do anything until the last minute because I've got no space I've made no preparations for this baby have you got clothes and stuff for him no it's we don't know we keep my phone to him sorry we don't actually know the gender of others we don't know the gender of this baby no nothing and it's like mad how little preparation you do for your second one compared to your first although i have to say we didn't go mad with joseph either because i was a bit superstitious about getting stuff too early just in case something happened and we just we moved

into our house like 10 days before he was born so we didn't really have time to like do anything too much no so to be honest it was all a bit last minute larry and we are again because we're not going to be able to prepare really he's just gonna he or she's just gonna have to deal just deal with it i don't know yeah the other day because i've ordered it have you yeah because i got rid of everything well obviously that's the thing as well i feel like i don't need. Yeah, the other day, because I've ordered it. Have you? Yeah, because I got rid of everything. Well, obviously, that's the thing as well. I feel like I don't need to do anything, really, because I've got all the stuff already. Yeah.

So I chucked everything. Well, I didn't chuck it away, but... Gave it away. Gave it away. Yeah. Yeah, donated it. So this, I feel like we're back to a brand... Start your site again, basically.

Yeah. Yeah. Brand number one. We bought a Moses for Joseph, which we'll use again. Nice. He was literally in it for like, because they're so tiny so tiny in it for about two weeks then he outgrew it and then you've got to get the crib the only thing i worry about is the moses basket is more um keeps them closer in doesn't it do you know what's great about it though you can move it around the house so we would just carry him from room to room with the little handles do you not just yeah yeah roll around

gotta do what you gotta do you have got to do what you gotta do yeah yeah anywho glad we cleared that this is a good thing about me having gigantic babies is they're very sturdy do you know i mean he never felt like a very small frail baby because he was absolute chunk yeah well colby was seven three he felt really really dinky colby and then dotby was 7'3". He felt really, really dinky, Colby. And then Dotsie was 8'4.5". So she felt a bit more... She was a bruiser. Joseph was 9'1". And I liked the fact that he was a big bruiser

because I felt like he was a bit more... Sturdy. Sturdy, you know. Hardy. What if you were a 10-pound baby this time? Well, they do get bigger as they go along normally, don't they? Well, people say that,

but then my friends went smaller. They got to DM. Oh, really? Yeah. I feel like this one is going to be bigger. I feel it in my bones and also my bumps. I feel it in my fingers. I feel it in my bump.

I thought you were going to say bum. I was going to say, I do feel it in my ass. I feel it in my chocolate starfish. And if you don't get that reference, go back and listen to the Thursday episode. Go back to Thursday's episode. So yeah, pretty yeah pretty pretty mundane week for me main day main day main day monday monday monday monday monday but how was yours fine yeah like like yours no movement issues baby's actually been moving loads so i don't remember i just had like a weird when i went to hospital to get the baby monitored like

whether i just had a weird 24 hours um it was really surreal actually because i was back in the exact same hospital room where i had the procedure to flip joseph round when he was breached and i needed him to be head down for labor and i was back in the same room where i had that done but obviously he was then in the room with me in the buggy sleeping and i was like this is actually blowing my mind that like you were in there and now you're here and now there's another baby in there weird so weird isn't it so weird i went to the toilet in the day unit in the hospital where i went to go get my the baby movement checked went down and I asked Chris if he remembered but I had Dottie in room number 10 where the toilet is right next to so I was like

there was a lady in there with her baby and I was like that was me five years ago so weird isn't it I gave birth in that room and then Colby was born in room number nine mine all feels really deja vu as well because this baby's due a similar time of year Joseph was February this baby's going to be March so it was all like very similar stuff were like happening around the same time so it just feels like i just can't stop being like this time two years ago so this is how i felt with cobs and dots because they were august and september so this one for me is so so different so my sister keeps saying that because she had an october baby yeah now she's having an april baby yeah so like pregnant at totally different times of the year like completely different wardrobe like all her maternity stuff is useless because that was

already summery yeah obviously now she's heavily pregnant in winter and how is she doing with all the colds and stuff she's on holiday in tenerife at the moment so she's absolutely fine oh thank you mrs jones yeah she's fine she's in a bikini pic the other day and she was like what a babe she was like my bump feels huge because she was up until now i've just been wearing like big baggy jumpers and stuff because it's been winter and she was like now that i'm actually walking around you see her bikini bottoms yeah she's she's got a totally different bump shape to me she's more flat and wider flatter more more like spread out and mine's just like pow yours is like a little yeah like someone's smuggled a water yeah well like you call me mike i did i do people

ask how emma's doing in her pregnancy and i just say she's literally mike rosowski honestly that's an accurate she's an olive on two cocktails that's an accurate description she's gained no weight anywhere else just this little tiny bump that could look like she's stolen a watermelon from the shop. We should call you baby. Shouldn't we? I carried a watermelon. Yeah. I was trying on, I put a picture on Instagram the other day of me trying on some clothes

in a changing room. And I was just like, wow, I've got to take a picture of this because this double angle is something else. I didn't see that picture. And I was just like, in the changing room, I couldn't believe the fucking size of me. And I put it on Instagram and people were like, when's your due date? Because I was like, I can't believe I've still got so long left.

You haven't though. I'm telling people I've got another two and a half months and they're like, wow, thoughts and prayers are with you because you're huge. Yeah, but then I think I'm huge. But I think, well, I haven't got that long left. No, I mean, it's not. How long have I got?

Yeah, three months. It's not that long left. No, I mean, it's not. How long have I got? Yeah, three months. It's not that long and it will go quick. But I just think, size of me by the time I have this baby is going to be ridiculous. No. You might just start evening out now, but a bit of a plateau. Yeah, maybe. Or not. I don't know, because the baby gains a lot of its weight and fat in this last bit.

It's like 30 weeks now. So you're 30 weeks now. Yes. Yeah. So you're now a pound a week is it a pound a week pound a week wow yeah so 10 weeks doesn't sound like that long but you're not going 10 weeks so are you you're going a little bit before i'll be earlier with the cesarean yeah i still yeah wow still haven't decided but yeah it's all good i mean i said i have decided i'm having cesarean i haven't decided what date it's all good i mean i said i have decided i'm having cesarean i haven't decided what date she's having the baby well i've booked a date in and i think i'm going to change it will you tell me will you text me and tell me yeah i'll tell you oh thank

you yeah i appreciate you yeah yeah i think i might change it though so i might bring it forward i'm nervous that i might go into i think it's going to be i don't know i think i've left it too late anyway i'm just overthinking it i don't i'm not liking having control over the date like obviously when you go into labor naturally it just happens you don't have to decide it's actually quite stressful because you were emergency c-section with Joseph yes I did go into labor but actually having to choose the date and think about all of that is like I'd rather not oh I'd love some advice on that though if people could give us some advice on that that's quite good to know yeah but there is a lot of people that do go for an elected cesarean

and then don't make the date. That's the thing. That's what I'm scared about. I don't want to go into labour naturally. I said that to my midwife the other day. I was like, I don't want to turn up. And then you just go, well, you're in labour now,

so let's push this baby out. No, no, thank you. No, that's not what I want. That's what I signed up for. I do not want a bumhole like Safina's. I've seen it. Thanks. Oh, it's been quite a good week then.

Yeah, it's been a nice week. Nanny and granddad have been here. So obviously Joseph naturally doesn't give a shit about me. Of course. He only cares about them. Who even are you? Yeah, who even are you? He doesn't even notice when I'm not in the house.

Might not even go home to be honest tonight. Come on, Steve and Nick. Stay out. Woo! The Joneses have arrived. It's been nice. It's been nice. So Emma and I really want to hear from you.

We want you to join us in the Secret Mum Club. You're all welcome. You can share your secrets with us, respond to what we've been talking about, or just say, Hello! You can find us on TikTok and Instagram. Just search Secret Mum Pod,

or you can email us, hello at secretmumpod.com. We've got some Correspondence Corner. The Correspondence Corner. You're fucking my love. Okay. This one says, hi, Soph and Emma. Your chat about bumholes.

Oh my God, how weird. Got me thinking about one occasion with my son. He is currently potty training, so we tend to keep him naked from the waist down in the evenings so that he can go to the potty when he feels the need. Tremendous. One evening, my sister-in-law came by for a visit. Now, my sister-in-law and I have never really seen eye to eye, but she walks in and starts messing around with the children. And to my amazement, my naked son randomly bends over on the sofa, bum in the air, looking at her through his legs legs shouts her name and points directly to his

bum hole well i just didn't know where to look because tears of laughter started streaming from my eyes love to you both and happy healthy pregnancies charlie oh god bless you charlie i was hoping for a poo to come out like he's trying to call us look at that would have been the icing on the cake that would have been the icing on the cake. That would have been the icing. Literally. The cherry. The drop. Oh, they didn't see eye to eye. Then he just went full in with a bumhole. Maybe the sun was picking up on the vibe and he was like, take some of this. Mum knows what she wants me.

Mum's giving me the clue. Yeah, she's giving me the signals. I know what I need to do. I know what I need to do. I know what I need to do. Hey, you, auntie, look at this bumhole. Have I got something for you. a legend i know how funny don't children do the funniest thing i know also like how you're supposed to respond as an adult like cool nice bumhole nice ring

because as parents i feel like we all just find it hilarious that they're showing us their bum heart yeah because dotty on the regular shows me her bum hole yeah she's not fazed by it or her peri finger or whatever no and do you know what though as much as i joke about it i am so glad that they're that open that yeah i can still do that like colby will happily if like if he's got a sore like he had a little bit of a sore around by his willy and rather than saying no i'm not showing you he'll he literally would just like look this is our saw and i'd rather that obviously doesn't do it to strangers but as long as they know he's obviously not yeah he doesn't he doesn't do they don't do it outside of the house because colby's quite poof we talk

about this don't we probably really really poof yeah he is really poof poosh and he is very aware of our bodies like it's something funny about my body i think where i've been growing the baby and because colby doesn't remember me baby pregnant with dotty what does he think he's he's not struggled with it because that would be really unfair for me to say but he is really really sensitive in the sense that he's like are you okay can i do anything for you and for him it's probably quite strange to see yeah whereas dotty i just feel like dotty's taking it all in our stride whereas colby's a bit like can i help you get like he tries to hold my hands getting me out of the bath and he's like can i carry and you know like try and put his little hands under my belly because he always rubs my feet like he's really really attentive

and i feel like it's maybe like for him it's just a little bit strange yeah it must be weird my body that way but we're very open in the fact that we you know if there is something as a family we keep it concealed yeah i won't say like he was at my sister's the other day and then he come over he's like i've had a sore willy all day i see when you say it around and i said oh did you ask auntie to help you or anything like that and he's like no i'll wait till i got i'll wait till i got home yeah so i'm aware that he doesn't talk and want to show anybody his body out but i just i'd love that they feel that comfortable yeah i think it's really nice to grow up in an open family but i think if that wasn't you you think

it's really weird like i grew up in a very open which i was a naked household i wasn't no locks on the bathroom door nothing like that ours were all locks we were very very close yes when i tell some people that they're like that's fucking weird but i don't think it's weird at all obviously because that was your growing up but for some people that's so strange but i think it makes you more comfortable with your body that there's when the time comes you know that dotty would just be like dad i need some pads can you go grab me yeah yeah that's the kind of thing i never spoke to my dad about anything like that yeah we were very very closed very closed family we didn't talk about

periods or it's interesting that you've and i had one other way yeah because i felt like i needed and i speak to my mom and dad about it and and I felt like I needed that from my mum. But we had one conversation about it. I never spoke to my mum about sex. Yeah, my mum and dad were like, tried to be too open about that. And we were like, ew, no, stop, stop, stop. I didn't know about any of that.

I think you need to. My children aren't going to have a choice. I'm going to force them. Because I'm free. I'm always to force them. Because I'm free. I'm always walking around naked. I told you, didn't I, last week? Joseph, when I try to show my bum, he literally pulls my top down.

He's like, no, mummy. Because he doesn't want to see it. Put it away. Yeah, put that stomach away. But no, I love that, though. What a little legend. I know. Thanks, Charlie. Thank you.

We've got another email here. It says, hello, ladies. I am so glad you're back. Thank you. You talking about laying on your back for relief is very relatable but i'm currently 30 weeks pregnant and my baby boy is measuring four weeks ahead whoa that's a big jump it's gotten to the point where i can't lay on my back because it seizes up roll on the next 10 weeks i'll feel you i wondered if either of you have tried swimming for relief i found it took most of the weight of the baby and i just

float around lots of love from leah do you know what funny you should actually say that leah because i said to chris i could literally spend hours in the bath yeah because i feel so weightless why don't you go swimming do you know what i said to colby oh we might have to come back to this because this is my secret this week that i'm going to share with you but i said to colby why don't we go and do you and me we're going to do some swimming together because i thought that's going to be wonderful for me to do some swimming plus help him in the pool yeah to get his confidence back a little bit because he is shit scared of getting back in the water i was going to say you should try swimming but you've been banished from all the local pools so i don't know if you're going to find anywhere to... Sensitive subject.

Find anywhere to take you. In my local area. Might have to travel a little bit out. Oh, fucking, let's just go Tenerife. We're going Tenerife now. I don't think we're even allowed to fly now, are we, in the third trimester? It depends on the airline.

I think EasyJet lets you go up to 34 weeks. Oh, does it? Yeah. I don't think I want to travel. God, can you imagine going back abroad? No, we were going to go on holiday in January, and then I thought, actually, I don't know. Oh, wait till March. She's going on holiday in March. Yeah, but I'm not to a bath abroad? No, we were going to go on holiday in January and then I thought, actually, I don't know. Oh, wait till March.

She's going on holiday in March. Yeah, but I'm not going abroad. She isn't going abroad. I'm just going to centre parks. But I did say, I slightly want you to give birth at centre parks. Imagine.

In the rapids. Imagine! A water bath. A water bath. You wouldn't even know if your waters have gone. No. So no, I am going to,

Leah, I will come back to you on that one because I'm actually going to give swimming a try. Yeah, I know i probably should you know what though i don't know if i want to put a swimsuit on and just feel like a battered sausage i just don't know if i can do it also we spoke about the effort of taking the kids swimming at least i've got no pubes now so maybe if i just do it tomorrow at least you've done your bikini line yeah exactly got no stragglers won't scare anybody i however hairy however. Hairy chocolate starfish.

No, I shouldn't be seen in public. Definitely not in a bikini. Yes, I think you can. Yes. Yes, you should. Yes, you should. Yes, you should. Yes, you should.

But mine is more of a swimsuit saga. Yeah. Suck it all in. Suck it up. I honestly will look like... Mike Wazowski. I've broken the skin. I'm thinking more.

Shamu. Somebody throw her back in the ocean. You're Mike Brzozowski. What am I? I'm the other one. The big purple. The big blue one. What's his name?

Sully. Thank you, Adam. How did we not remember that we're literally my rosalski and sully i'm just a big old purple bear yeah spreading out at every orifice i just spat on the table sorry about that so no i'll let you know then yeah i'll give that a try and congratulations but god bless her for measuring four weeks ahead hopefully i hope you're crossing everything for you that baby is doing great and doesn't come too early yeah

the problem is though is we can get our dates wrong can't we the due dates are so random anyway so random so you think you've got ten weeks left but you might actually

only have six six he might come early so and I hope he's doing perfectly yes sounds like he's growing beautifully

so you can get in touch with us on anything at all you can be serious or silly and you can be totally anonymous because between us, we've probably heard it all before. And remember, we're all in this together and we know that we are. We're all stars and we see that. Each week, we'll be sharing our secrets and yours

in the Secret Mum Club. are you ready for my secret this week it's a secret of the week and you've been banished from another local swimming pool after we were just talking about leah and her store yeah wasn't it yeah um and our swimming story well i left you on monday didn't i yeah i got the train wasn't till i got home chris text me saying i was in the taxi on the way home i said i'm just in the taxi on the way home he said i've run you a hot bath um you see to add some cold water when you get in because i was obviously struggling when i last week with my belly um i goes where where are you with the children he was on swimming no he got back into the swimming pool that we originally i said thank

fuck it was you taking them not me how did he manage that i have no idea i don't know how he did it but by some miracle did he sneak back in with a disguise or did he or did he manage that? I have no idea. I don't know how he did it, but by some miracle... Did he sneak back in with a disguise? Or did he admit who he was? I don't know. I just don't know. Maybe it was all right. They let him in because you went with him. Yeah.

Maybe because I was gone, he let him in. But yeah, he called them up and they said the spaces are still available. Oh, great. So he re-enrolled them back in, much to Colby and Gertie's... Yeah, I was going to say,

I bet Colby was impressed. Colby was fucking fuming apparently Chris said he didn't tell him right to the last minute it was like right we've got to go swimming now

apparently Colby had a massive huge breakdown and then I shouldn't laugh I don't mean to laugh I don't mean to laugh right put yourself

together get a grip 3-2-1 3-2-1 so Colby got in the pole after having a very emotional start to the pole because he's a sensitive guy that's our cops so the teacher took them out in the pool obviously they haven't swam i need to get grip they haven't swam for a few weeks yeah because we've had sickness christmas colby thought he was drowning so he grabbed on

grabbed dot's float to which the teacher stopped the whole class and was saying to colby thought he was drowning so he grabbed on grab dots his float to which the teacher stopped the whole class and was saying to colby you can't like not shouting at him but you have to be very firm to say that yeah if you're drowning don't take another child down with you so when they come home mom goes don't come through the door she goes mom you're not gonna believe it colby tried to drown me and he was like no i didn't i just grabbed her float and the male told me off oh um so but after that they richie that's my brother got my son oh then um can't be sitting chris said they did great fine okay yeah so you're just basically in future basically the lesson is only ch can take them. Yeah, I'm to stay completely out of this

until they're fully, fully capable of swimming. Yeah. Maybe I'll just take them abroad. Yeah. Yeah, I'll just take them on holiday and wreak the benefits of my Olympic swimmers. But I just couldn't believe it. I just couldn't believe it.

And the taxi was like, he's running me a bath, but why is he texting me to tell me this where the fuck are they and he's like i'm taking the baby swimming i was like where to where to and he's like oh back to the the same pool but he just did it so nonchalantly like what an absolute g chris is yeah like he wasn't even like he didn't want any praise he just like deron brown them and he walked in and he was like we are allowed back in. I really thought what if he went and held them

at knife point? Yeah. Better let me back in. Do you not know who I am? Well there you go. Just Chrissy from The Black. But yeah they're back in they're back in the club.

Oh great. Well they'll be fluent in swimming before you know it. I hope so. And then you can go to where does Colby want to go? Barcelona.

Madrid first. And then Barcelona. But I'm thinking because Colby want to go? Barcelona. Madrid first. Madrid. And then Barcelona. But I'm thinking, because Monday's our recording day, isn't it? Oh, you're never going to have to go then. Hello.

Winner, winner. So that was my secret this week. That's worked out great for you. Is that Chris was, and I just, kudos to Chris because he just, he was just so blasé about it. Like that was a really cool act

to do like if it was me i'd be like you fucked it up but guess who resolved it also don't you love it when your partner's better at something than you because you're like well you you're so good at it like you can just i don't think he expected you could do that job in future by yourself great i don't think he expected the outcome that he got to be honest no i think he maybe shocked himself maybe he was gutted so now i think maybe he didn't play on it too much because he was just like i don't want to have this responsibility ever again yeah it was a one-off yeah it was just a fluke you know he doesn't want to hold that he doesn't want to hold that title he's backed himself into a corner there because now he's gonna have to take

them every week every week i'm not fucking doing it no you don't have to i can't turn up you're working you're busy they'll ban me from the pool anyway. Yeah, exactly. Oh, next time I'll be in there. Oh, maybe I should just ask. Any chance I could just jump in the pool? I could do with taking some weight off me ankles. It's not really the done thing to get in, is it, for the parents? Not unless your child's like two.

Drowning? Yeah. Or a baby. Yeah. I mean, the baby ones you do have to get in. Do you? With them, yeah. Oh.

Yeah, that's why I can't be asked oh I thought you just gave them to the instructor no what the instructor with like 10 toddlers to look after

yeah don't they float? no you have to get in the pool with them you have to get in the pool with them oh what's the point of the lesson?

especially like if I didn't get in the pool with Joseph he would kick off because he's like a little limpet he doesn't let go of me and swim in. Really clings on tight because he hates it so much.

I think it's a boy thing. Maybe. He hated it. Yeah. He was a cling on. I could literally let go and he'd just be like. Oh, he'll be a pro before you know it. Oh, well, I hope so.

I want some Olympic swimmers. Yeah. I'd love it if Dotsie, I'd love it if Dotsie was like a synchronized swimmer. That was like my dream, dream hobby when I was younger. Was it? To be a synchronized.

Did you used to try and do it like, pretend to do it when you're in the pool on holiday, but obviously actually looked. I don't know why we're talking about used to. I'll happily just pop to Madrid and just start busting out some legs.

Oh my God. Get me in a pool with my sister. We be fucking well we'll be popping out our 13 year old cell phone oh yeah get your nose plugs on exactly can't hear fuck all can't hear if anyone else is drowning in the pool but you know we're in a great time it's when i used to do the snorkel when i went on basically i was a water baby yeah so when we went on holiday i spent my whole time in the pool to the point where there would just be pictures of me blue because i was so freezing cold and my mom used to say sophie needs to get out of the pool but i had a funny trick that i used to do every time we used to go on holiday i'd have my snorkel but i used to dive down with my snorkel like in my mouth but when i come out i used to blow the water out like a blowhole

to make sure that i had like the sun loungers so i'd be like and all these people around the pool used to get really pissed off with me and i'm like mom you can move closer now come closer i cleared that cleared them beds for you there mom because she never used to get there mom come on down do you know who you sound a lot like Dottie pain in the arse yeah I know I know Karma's going back

to bed anyway so that's my secret this week there was a lot in that wasn't there there was a lot 12 pack there was a lot

so next we're going to be hearing some of yours on the Secret Mum Club. This is the Secret Mum Club, the safe space for you to share your secrets. And we've got three for you we're going to be discussing this week.

So Emma, hit us with number one. All right, this is Hi Ladies. My son is two and we introduced kissing it better whenever he had a bump or a scratch we thought it would be super simple and cute and a way to get him back on track after a bump although he definitely abuses it he'd been showing signs of discomfort in his nappy all afternoon it looked like the start of nappy rash so we whacked some

good old suda cream on and he was fine and happy again. That was until 2am when he woke up very upset, very uncomfortable and shouting, bottom hurt mummy. I whipped his nappy off to inspect the situation to find not just a very sore bottom but also a very red and quite swollen willy. Oh no. I asked him to show me where he hurt

and he pointed at his willy and pleaded, kiss it better. Piss it better. Piss it better, pees mummy. Oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, no. She says, I was not prepared for this situation. I did not kiss it better. I'll miss this birthday.

Imagine. I did not kiss it better, but I did piss myself laughing. How the hell do you tell a two-year-old that you can't kiss his willy? That's a good question. What are you supposed to do? It's like the little boy who asked his mum how he'd get the milk out of his willy. Do you remember that?

I feel like I would have just kissed it better. Because I just would have been so sad that he was sad. Not at someone else's child. No, no, no. If it was Colby, I would have just gone. Maybe you would just automatically do it and then think, no, because then he's going to ask you to keep doing it. What if he asks you in public?

What if he says at school, mum kisses it, better you kiss it. No, no, you can't. I think she's done the right thing. You are. Anyway, I got him checked out. It turns out he had a little fungal infection, which is apparently very common in little boys who have just discovered what God gave them. Oh, because they start touching their willy germs yeah yeah gross i can't wait for

that we got prescribed some cream and it very quickly cleared up since then i can't help but smirk every time he asked me to innocently piss it better peas mummy thanks for keeping parenthood real anonymous oh god piss it better piss it so it better, please. And his piss comes out. Yeah, I know. Oh God. Yeah, I don't think Colby ever had a... Colby's never been one to touch his willy. To grab it.

No. I know like around the age that they are now, so like Joseph's nearly two. Yes. Some of my friends' little boys during nappy changes and stuff, they're like, I just cannot keep their hands off their willies.

But Joseph doesn't really do it. No, Colby never touched his willies. Not interested. But then I feel like sometimes as well, is like Colby asks why boys have their hands down their trousers. Oh, does he? So like when we'll go town shopping, you can see,

I can see his little eyes looking and he takes it in and he always says, why do those boys always have their hands down their trousers? It's a good question because we've spoken about this on the podcast before. Chris isn't a hand in the crutch. Well, no. Because I don't think Stefan is, is he?

No, but it's very comfortable for a man to do that though, isn't it? No, stop doing it. And stop doing it in public. It's disgusting. But then that's someone saying to us, isn't it, don't have your boobie out. No, it's like someone saying stop touching your tits, which we don't do in public

because it would be weird i don't know i i cupped mine if i'm cold on the outside but like having your hands down your trousers in public is too much if you want to do it in the comfort of your own home that's fine but you might get a fungal infection be warned if you're touching your penis with your dirty hands so yes i colby's never been a willy toucher well we're grateful grateful for that neither's your son at the moment he's not but he has started noticing it so now in the bath like when i drain all the water does he stand up in the bath and we uh he he sometimes does or what more often happens is i'll take his nappy off just before the bath and then as i take his nappy off he wees on the floor because i feel like it's like with fresh air get into it but when he sits in the bath and i let all the water

out he now will like point at his willy like the other day he just pointed at his willy and laughed do you have you try to take it because colby used to do the same try taking his nappy so pop him into the bath stood up and then take his nappy off and then colby used to like watching the come out he has stood up and done that because then it helps them to learn to stand at the toilet to wee so that's how we taught colby to have a stand up wee we used to take the nappy off and he used to like to watch his wee come out of his willy so then when we were like oh do you want to have a weewees over the toilet yeah he'd just stand and know that it's coming yeah yeah if that makes sense yeah like i feel like because they can

see it it's more a little bit harder for us to gauge like oh that's weird yeah as girls we don't see it do we no our nursery said to us the other day they think he might be ready so that might be happening soon give it a try see what he does yeah call me to love wean in the bath and it's good for the skin isn't it urine i don't know whether i wear my bath yeah you've said this before i'm not sure if that's like founded it actually does do good things for your skin also which means it keeps keep skin uh dry skin moisturized it's also an exfoliant and gets rid of dead dead cells from collecting on the surface of your skin well there you go so get pissing on yourselves people say get rid you get rid of a veruca as well piss on it yeah

and a what's the other one jellyfish thing yeah i don't know if that's a myth like in friends i feel like my brother told me that that's a myth but yeah we in the bath feel let it free flowly flow freely maybe i'll start in the middle free flowly all right you ready for secret number two hit me hi sophie and emma thank you for keeping me company during my maternity year. This brings me to what I'd like to discuss. Mum guilt as I return to work. I've been back for just over a week and although I am now only part-time,

the mum guilt has hit so much harder than I ever expected. I hate dropping my baby off at nursery. He clings to me and gets so upset. Oh, I know he's okay whilst he's there. He's eating and napping, but I know he's not himself. Everyone tells me he'll be fine soon, but it isn't helping me at the moment. How do I channel my inner Emma

when dropping my son off at nursery? Kerry. Well, Kerry, I don't do the nursery drop-off. And that is the answer. Get your husband to do it for you. Stefan does nursery drop-off. You don't know the situation. But obviously, that's not a situation for everyone. And you stefan does nursery drop off you don't know the situation but obviously

not that's not a situation for everyone and you do have to drop him off and i cannot imagine how hard it must be because i have somebody i've really had to do it heart gets broken when you drop them off it must be so hard it doesn't get any better it doesn't get easier you I think it it took me a long time maybe more so with Colby than Dottie because well no probably maybe more so with Dottie than Colby because I had a brand new baby to distract me while Colby was at school yeah because he started preschool and then he Dottie came like a week later yeah I kind of didn't really have time to think but I struggled with Dottie came like a week later. So I kind of didn't really have time to think, but I struggled with Dottie going in and then having no children. But that was a really surreal feeling, a real emptiness and you just can't,

you can't get over that. But I want to say to you, it does, the pain doesn't go away. You just learn to deal with it differently. And that's the God's honest truth is that the hardest thing for me is as much as i i say i'd want to say to you oh you should do this so you don't feel guilty i do think it's a natural reaction for us to feel that way it is just like

we're talking about going on holiday without our kids like it always feels weird because we care and we love them and i think i would question maybe if i didn't he didn't am i question if you didn't feel that way because you do feel bad you feel bad when you're at home and joseph's at school and you're like oh i could have had him home no but in all seriousness i would say that he loves it there and gets so much out of it and i know he's having a nice time like your baby is they get so much out of going and i know he's having a nice time like your baby is they get so much out of going to nursery he's developed in ways that he wouldn't have if he was just at home the interaction his language his activities that he does are things that we would never do with him at home and he comes home and he speaks really positively about it and he speaks about his

little friends and i would say maybe if you've only just gone back to work. He's only just started. He's probably littler than Joseph. So I'd say when you start seeing the things, his development. Yeah. It might feel a bit more. Yeah, it might feel a little bit easier. And also when they are a little bit older and they can understand, like we really talk it up now, Joseph going to nursery, like in the morning we're like, who are you going to go and see?

And he says everyone's names and you're going to go and see your teacher and you're going to go and see this person. and what did you do today and you've got a sticker what was that for so when they can give you a bit more back it's easy it's easier to kind of yeah to relieve the guilt a little bit but i think i honestly think you will always feel a little bit you're never ever gonna not feel i feel because you're a mom i have to pop to the shop and i leave the children at home yeah but i need to have 10 minutes to myself and you feel bad yeah and then you feel guilty that you're like i But I need to have 10 minutes to myself and you feel bad. Yeah. And then you feel guilty that you're like,

I've got to go, I want to go to the, or like, I'll go shopping and Chris will say, just leave the children at home with me and then I sit in the car when I get to the shopping centre

and then I feel bad because I'm like, I need time on my own but I don't want to be on my own but I need that. I know. So I don't think there's any scenario and if it is,

if his first baby, I'm assuming it's Kerry's first baby as well, it's so much huger with the first one. It is so much. Your hormones are still really fucking uneven. Whether we ever got our hormones back to fucking normal anyway after having a baby. I don't think mine ever went back to normal

after having Coles. I found the one year a really big milestone as well because I was constantly reflecting on like, what was happening this time last year i was i was like quite emotional on his first birthday and so if you're at that stage now that is really hard but i've got a lot going on so just go be kind on yourself yeah and i personally am a true believer in feeling the emotion yeah just run with the emotion because it's just your body's way of processing it your mind and i think sometimes when you shut it off or try to shut it out or don't allow your body to feel that you're sad or you're upset you're causing yourself a lot of

internal damage yeah and i just think sometimes just feel it if you want to take 10 minutes in the toilet at work and you need to just let it out just cry it out yeah and i also do believe that there's people around you it's office talk isn't it to talk it out and and get it off your chest don't keep it bottled in and sometimes it is nice to just have adult company yeah like have adult conversation you'll find your new normal but again it is so new yeah so just go gentle on yourself and just yeah find your own you'll find your own pattern some people find it quicker than others and we say this all the time don't we yeah some people find it quicker than others and some people just take a little bit longer and that's okay so how you find your

way there yes is your own little journey but you're doing incredible and go you yeah because that's huge isn't it to return it's big i didn't return to work it's a it's a big it's a big moment but you do you get used to it quickly and and i just take return to work it's a it's a big it's a big moment but you do you get used to it quickly and and i just take joy in the little things that i can do at work now like drink a hot cup of tea or take my time you know eating breakfast or eating a sandwich or whatever so you'll find your own little thing yeah you'll find your groove and hopefully if you're part-time you still get to be with your little boy-in-law as well. Yeah. Yes. Right. So let's have our last one. All right.

This one says, hello, beautiful ladies. My secret is also a laugh out loud moment. My in-laws are English. I'm Canadian. And they are a little uptight. My youngest daughter loves to undress herself throughout the day. Oh, so the lady's Canadian. And her in-laws are English.

Right. She's saying they're a little bit uptight. Yes. Yeah. Makes sense. So my youngest daughter loves to undress herself throughout the day until she is only left in her nappy much to the dismay of my in-laws so my husband and i told our daughter that it bothered grandmom and granddad so we can't do that oh she tried her hardest not to undress when she was with

her grandparents they went camping in the summer and whilst they were enjoying the wildlife my daughter decided to run around the car naked to say they were surprised was an understatement not only was she naked but she was also singing i feel like a woman by shania twain what a woman man i feel like a woman i feel like i want to do that on some days just run around the car naked singing Shania Twain but I do do that on some days my in-laws were mortified what the fuck it was a long time later that she was allowed to join them again

for camping thankfully she grew out of this and is now 28 I wasn't expecting that plot twist at the end I thought she was

still little all the best Annette oh come on fucking hell get a grip it took a long time for them to invite her back camping. Fucking hell.

Fucking hell. I'd be like, I don't even fucking want to come and camp. That's maybe, that's pissed me off. I don't know about laugh at laugh. That's actually wound me up, Annette. What a fucking bunch of dicks. Fucking English people in the world. So sorry. So sorry about your in-laws. So sorry about our

kind. Fucking hell. We need to loosen up. Jesus, about your in-laws. So sorry about our car. Yeah. Fucking hell. I need to loosen up. Jesus, on a child as well. Do you know what? I've just fucking done it now. I've just stripped off my... Yeah, and joined her. Fucking joined her, yeah.

Woo! I'm going out tonight. I'm feeling all right. I'm gonna let it all hang out. Windmilling. Dad's windmilling. Even now, pregnant with my swollen foofy, I'd be like, take a look. Yeah. windmilling dad's windmilling even now pregnant with a swollen

foofy I'd be like take a look yeah my mum and dad would have found it fucking weird if I was boiling

hot weather and I was leaving the children in their clothes but also who finds it weird that a child gets naked

question the fact that they don't want her to take her clothes off yeah they're the weird ones you dodgy mother truckers I encourage child

makersness wherever possible that sounds wrong but you know what I mean in a safe environment this is this has been a hot this has been a hot spud we have dealt with a big hot potato there i'm sorry about the aggression and that but jesus that really pissed me off that's wowed me up yeah that's fucking wowed me up do you know what i'm glad time has passed and everyone's over it do you talk to her now? Obviously, she's your daughter. But about the situation at 28. I wonder what she thinks.

Yes. Yes. I'd love to know what she thinks about the situation. I wonder if she has babies of her own. Yeah. Yes. Maybe it's like. And are they still around?

Maybe it's a generational thing. To be watching. Grandchildren. Yeah. The great-grandchildren. What would they think of that? Because this made me think of me and my sister. generational thing to be watching grandchildren yeah the great great grandchildren what would they think of that because this made me think of me and my sister because we also used to insist on being naked all the time my mum would say she used to put us in an outfit she'd leave the room and when she came back in we'd both have just stripped naked we just didn't like wearing clothes

god does he think like wearing clothes but it was never encouraged it was never not encouraged it was just like okay fine whatever do you know what i mean it wasn't like why would you say to a child put your clothes back on like that's gonna make them have a weirder relationship with their body yeah i don't know i don't know why you would do that i let dotty just do both of mine just do what they want to do yeah that's weird to me but we are from naked families so maybe i wasn't a naked family but you've created your own one when they're on holiday camping in the summer like that's quite in context you know what i mean it's not like she's running around naked in tesco yeah like just stripped off an asda i'd say a lot of people a lot of people that go camping probably camp

naked nature's nature's but thank you annette sorry about our um yeah sorry that kicked very kicked off we did we went ham on that one didn't we feel strongly about that that was a passionate one the day about laugh out loud we gave you a bit more than that didn't we holy smokes what an amazing week for secret it was i loved it everyone is welcome in the secret mum club yeah and if you want to share your secrets with us you can the email is hello at secretmumpod.com and we're secretmumpod on tiktok and instagram has your little one showed off their poop shooter or have you witnessed a naked toddler running around while singing shania twain i don't know but i wish i i wish i had i wish i had so let us know there really is nothing too outrageous and

keep an eye out for our thursday episode and we'll see you next time on the Secret Mum Club.