Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Hairy Volvo

Episode Date: August 5, 2025

Soph’s on a self-care mission this week, while Emma’s birthday is derailed by toddler neck drama. The ladies research what bananas look like in poo, and Dottie’s mixing up her Volvos and vulvas! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Everything's poo with Joseph at the moment. Is it? Pooh, pooh, pooh, pooh. He's obsessed with poo and we. Pooh and we, poo and we. Poopie, poopie, poopoooo and we poop. Hello, this is the secret mom club. I'm Safina.

And I'm Emma. And this podcast is a safe space for mums everywhere. A safe space to share our secrets. Because we all have secrets, don't we? We do. And as we know, sharing is caring. You don't even have. to tell us who you are and keep that to yourself you can be anonymous and no secrets can be

serious or silly all secrets are welcome in the secret mum club tell me about your brows tell me about your brows tell me Chris was like they are a beautiful shape love them divine they will get lighter won't they oh did he say that yes they were it's been like seven years since I last had them done what microbladed yeah yeah I love them I won't lie to you. I'm not really a makeup galley anymore. I don't really have the time. Plus, I really like to free the face. Yes. Really like free in my face. I feel like you're a good makeup free person. Like I just look like I'm dead, but you actually look good. You're taking the mecky. You look tanned. I think when you've got a tan. Yeah, I put a little bit of tan on there.

Yeah. But my eyebrows are practically bold. So I just get two little stumpy bits and then nothing get the ends. So I thought I'd just go back to get filled in a bit. And then I'm going to go for, I've booked in my Botox. Have you? Yes, I have. Oh, so they're going to be raised up a little bit. So yeah, because I did ask her if I can have it, more raised rather than dropped. Because I feel like sometimes it drops, doesn't it? It depends. Do you remember the last time I had?

And I was like, I'm raising my brows and you were like, your face isn't moving. It's literally the opposite. So this time I'm going to have it, but just have them so it's a little bit raised. Yeah, yeah, yeah, lovely. Also this week, been to the dentist and I've been to the doctors. Hello, self-care. Honestly, I'm a self-caring queen.

Try to have my smear couldn't start my period, second period of the month. WTF. So I'm going to go for blood tests. Instead. About my hormones, because my hair's falling out. Is it? Yeah, which is why my eyebrows are so thin. My hair and my eyebrows are falling out.

Yeah, growing nipple hair like there's no tomorrow. They could just take them out my nipples and just plant them into my... You think this might be perimenopause? Maybe. Literally, I went in and I was like, oh, is it to do with my polysistic ovaries? He was like, no, do you have sisters? And I was like, yeah, and he was like, are they perimenopause on? I was like, what?

And he was like, how's your mum? Has she been through the menopause? What age? This car, it could be. Could be. Could be. And how do you feel about that? So I'm all right.

Yeah? Yeah, I think I'm okay about it. I think until you get a definitive answer as to what is really going on. Yeah. We're kind of just chucking piss in the wind, aren't we? Just whoa with all that wee-wees. We don't actually know. So I'm going to go and have some blood tests, have some hormone, check my hormones,

have a thyroid chest, chest, thyroid check. Yeah. Have all of that checked. Have re-booked my smear. Good. Because I just thought, I'm in the mindset now. I'm going for it. I'm having it.

done yeah so I've rebooked my smear back in and I've been to the dentist are you getting your retainers back yes I saw on your Instagram but I have to redo it the whole thing the whole process you're joking had 15 trays the first time I've got to have 13 the second time got to do the whole thing again is it basically gone back to normal pretty much yeah savage right what a bummer absolutely heartbreaking you didn't keep up with it though I didn't and I also didn't have the metal wire the first time so I'm going for the metal wire this time and yeah it's because I fell pregnant and I just couldn't wear the trays. They made me physically sick.

They made me feel awful. So we're going to go again. So I feel like I'm going to be a bad B. You're going to have your teeth, your brows and your Botox done. I can't wait to get my Botox done again. Honestly, I'm gassed. I think I'm going to stop feeding Sadie so I can get mine done again soon. Stop breastfeeding and get all that shit in my face.

Get that shit in my face. Inject me. So yeah, I'm excited. I feel like I'm really coming into myself. I had this massive talk on Instagram. I don't know if you saw it if you just skim through it because you get to see a whole lot. a whole lot of me. Not going to lie, sometimes I do skipity skip. Sometimes if I've got time,

I do sit through the whole lot. You shouldn't. So it's hit and miss what I do see. I had a very open conversation about my PTSD and how I've struggled with it. I did see that. Since I was younger. Yeah. And I've had, I've had times where it's been a lot more to handle than I would like to maybe admit. And I would say, I've not had a very good time since having Renley. And I did speak really honestly and felt that I have really lost myself. I've had. had a really irrational fear of not being here anymore. And it's something I live with every day. And it terrifies me, truly terrifies me.

And I feel like I lost myself. I feel like I wasn't looking after myself. I'd forgotten about my own health. And unfortunately, that resulted in me being really unwell, mentally and physically. So I've really turned a corner. I'm exercising every day to try and clear my mind, which is making me feel great. And I've had my eyebrows done. It's something I wanted to do.

I just feel like I'm a bad beat. Yeah. I feel like I'm back of my bad bitch era. She's back, boo. She's back. Was it painful, the microblading? To be fair, she goes to me, my sister came with me for moral support. And my sister said to me, we were talking and she goes, oh, I'm going to outline them.

And then once I've outlined them, we'll numb them. And I was like, okay then. So I was waffling away. I was talking to Roxanne. I was talking to Kirstie, and we was going through her. And then Kirstie had to pop out, because bless her heart, she's pregnant. We had to pop out of the room. Roxanne goes to me, how long do you think we've been in?

I was like, I don't know, 20 minutes, half an hour. Is she going to get me some numbing cream? Because she said, she was going to numb it. Roxanne was like, we've been here an hour and a half. She's done. I was like, you are fucking joking. So I was going to get up and look in the mirror. And Roxanne was like, don't you dare.

Kirsty would be really cross at you if you look, because she hadn't cleaned them up or she had a little bit more to do. But I've gone through the whole process. Not even noticed. Last time I had them done, she numbed them. I fell to sleep. I was dribbling on the bed. No.

Seven years ago. But you know, the second, because I remember last time I got them done, the second round where they go and like fill them in is really painful because they've already they're basically going into areas they've already cut. But because I've already had it done this is basically just a topy up. Going back over it.

Yeah, you just go back over. I want to get mine filled in again because I feel like I've got the shape of what was there like probably hadn't done about five years ago. Yeah, see we must have been. Actually mine might have been seven years because I think it was my wedding which is seven years ago. Which is wild, is that.

But I want to get mine redone because now I have to, my eyebrows are nonexistent and I have to pencil them in all this time. That's what I mean. It's a real fap. It's just something. I just don't have time to do. Yeah. So I treated myself.

That'll save you loads of time. I know. Won't it? I'm going to look. My lashes is done as well and then I don't have to do mascara. They are high maintenance though. Ocean lip liner. Tattoo lip liner.

Do you go further? I think I would have a little bit of filler in my lips because it does, it wears off, doesn't it? I think I'm not going filler. I could not tell my mum though. She'd be mad. I don't think I could do with the migration. Is it migration?

It does. Yeah. But I think that's only if you get loads when they just migrate and it just goes really lumpy. And then they're like. I had it dissolved and then I'm like it can look really bad but what doesn't worry about me about it is that you can get it taken out

yes you can have it just dissolved so yes I don't I to be fair I would say I wasn't anti-Botox or filler or anything like that I just think you've got to do what suits you best and what you're comfortable with but I just don't think I want any whiffy up here no one needs to get rid of the whiffy

don't want any whiffy and just the small things to just make you feel Tweakments. Tweakments. Yeah. Can't wait. It'll make you feel great. Yeah.

I feel divine, I won't lie. You look divine. Do I? Yeah, and you can raise one. I keep, I keep, I know. Yours is really good. Do you remember when I tried to do it when I had my first Botox and you were like, your face is amazing.

But now it's back. It's back. I won't be able to do it again. You need to make sure that they do the Botox so that you can still do that. They're so crispy. People keep looking at me funny and I'm like, oh yeah. I forgot that they peel, don't they? at the beginning.

They scab. I remember them flaking off. Oh God, it's quite gross at the start. Can't do nothing. Can't swim, can't get them wet. Can't do anything. No sweat. No exercise.

No, I was going to exercise and I went in the car, yes, it got slightly hot in the car after having them done. I thought they were going to fucking explode off my face. They were so burning. Can you wash her hair?

You can't get them wet, no. No, obviously you just got to protect it a little bit and you lie down in the bath and not get them. Oh, God, I remember all this now. Yeah. Yeah, protect those browlies. Yeah.

So if I stink in 10 days, mind you biz. I'll have great brows Blame it on the brows Yeah blame it on the brows What's the song? Blame it on the weatherman That's our pal's the witch But that's where I've been

Well yeah You've been a bad being I've becoming a badie I feel great Can you tell Happy birthday to me Oh yeah it's your birthday I'm now a bad bee

Da da da da da Just fucking leave me Alone If I want to have me brows down I will Okay But yeah, technically, our birthdays are done by the time you've heard this, but actually it's not. It's actually Emma's raven birthday today.

She's going to go rave her knickers off. Yeah. I've actually had a stressful start to my birthday. I said, Seth, Ang, good, birthdays aren't the same when you're, A, grown up and B, have got children. Because let me tell you, they are ruining my week. No, Joseph hasn't been very well, bless him. I know, and Emma was so disappointed.

She was like, I might have to cancel my lunchtime reservation. I've got birthday lunch booked in. She was like, oh, God. I'm totally fine if I've got to go to nursery and get the children. But if he could just hang on. I'm really hoping he, fingers crossed, he holds on in there for one day. He hasn't been at nursery all week. Basically, he's had this thing, I don't know if I'm saying it properly, called Tortacolus.

I never heard of it, you told me, but I don't know. Lots of people hadn't heard of it. It's basically, it's like a stiff neck. You know when you sleep on your neck a bit funny? Yeah. You have like a crick neck. But in children, it's really severe because I don't know why, just maybe because he's never had it before. But he woke up on Monday.

and he couldn't move his head. He was just like holding his head in one way and he was like crying and in loads of pain. And we were like, really can't work out. What's wrong with you? But also with a three-year-old, it's hard to know. It's even hard for him to explain. Yeah, he couldn't explain.

He was just holding his cheek. So we were like toothache, earache. But what was horrible was me and Stefan had gone to work. So it was our nanny that was there in the morning. She was a bit like, I don't really know what to do. I've given him some cowpole. And bless her, she gave him. He doesn't have a dummy for ages, like since he was three.

But she was like, I've given him a dummy for some extra comfort. Sadie's dummy. like what the hell but it's so funny because normally he's really quick to like correct the nanny and stuff he'll be like i don't have that bowl that's sadie's bowl or like the other day he was like say he doesn't have a vitamin only for me or like i have this spoon not that spoon or that's my bottle i thought you want to say anything when she gave you a dummy back then he was like no because he loves it yeah maybe and as well thought it was going to make him feel better so he had it but then it was a nightmare so i was like i said like to the nanny oh thanks for like looking

after this one in but also now we're going to have this fucking issue with the dummy and at night he was like, I want the dummy. I want to go to sleep with the dummy. And I was like, you're undoing all my hard work. But yeah, bless him, he just, he didn't know what to do with himself. And he couldn't really tell us what was wrong. And I didn't know how much of it, like, was genuinely he was in pain and how much he, I don't know. Like, it's hard to, it's hard to know. And when he said, like, I can't move, I was like, well, is it better for me to try it, try and move you and, like, keep it moving or what? But it was quite extreme. So we called 1-1-1 and then they didn't like the sound of it. So they sent paramedics round. And then he ended

going to A&E in an ambulance. Fucking hell. I know. So Stefan went it in the ambulance with him. But you just downplayed it earlier. You were like, oh, I won't tell you too much because we got to have our catch up this week. Oh, no.

It was a lot to explain on a message. But basically, so I've missed work like my other work for a couple of days because we've just been waking up in the morning not knowing how he's going to be. But when he went to A&E was there all day and I think because they just didn't know what was wrong with him and they've decided that they think it's this torticolos thing. But I think initially they wanted to rule out anything because I was like, could it be like meningitis?

Like he can't move. Is he, has he been paralysed? Like, I don't know what was wrong with him. He didn't have a temperature, he didn't have a rash. They were happy that it wasn't meningitis or anything like that. Did they give him any? They were going to give him morphine in hospital. Yeah.

Which sounded quite severe. But I think in the end, they just managed it with paracetamol and ibuprofen. And they just said to us, just give it to him every four hours. And then over time, just try and get him to move it. And it should get better. But bless him, he hasn't, like, he hasn't really been able to do anything. He's just been laying at home on the sofa. Feeling sorry for himself

So he's not been able to go to nursery But obviously today I was like Well, mommy's got a birthday lunch So what we're going to do is Who gives a shit? Off you go! I said to my mum on the phone last night Yeah, he's not going to go to nursery

But I might have to miss my lunch And she was like, well yeah Yeah, that's what you have to do When we've got a sick kid No, don't you go to nursery And go for your lunch She was like, this reminds me of the time I sent your sister into school

With a really like really bad stiff neck She was like it was too harsh You know She was so strict She never let us have a day off even if we were like, she's at my sister-in with glandular fever. I know my mum used to say,

if you're sick, we're going to the doctors. And she used to say to me, you better be sick in it. Yeah, when you get there. When you get there, you should you show that doctor's. But this is the hard thing.

Because it himself, like Joseph's been fine. His personality has been fine. He's been, you know, wise cracking like usual, but he's literally just been like this. Oh, God. Love this little heart.

I know. It's been sad. But anyway, he's okay. He's, I've dosed him up. He's going to nursery. Hopefully, fingers crossed for no phone call later. No, we're surviving already. We've survived so far.

It's a bloody, can I just talk about my hair as well? It's a bloody miracle I made it in today. But I went for a massage yesterday because Stefan got me a nice massage. I don't know whether you were telling us this because your hair's really greasy or that you just look radiant because you've had yourself a...

No, this is the thing. I was like, lovely to have the 60 minutes of peace and relaxation, but literally the moment you step back in the door, it's all undone. Came back into screaming, hungry, tired babies. I was like, well, that was nice while it lasted. That was great while it lasted. Lovely while it lasted.

And it's better than nothing. And you got yourself an Indian head massage. Got myself an Indian head massage. You put all the oils and stuff in. So I looked like side show Bob by the time I came home. Because my hair was like, I looked like a scarecrow this morning. And I was like, oh, do you know what?

I'll just wash it in the morning before the podcast. Did I have fucking time? No, I didn't because I was trying to get Joseph out of bed and international. You look great. So here I am. This is why I got brows. You got hairy pics and gruesy. Sophia keeps saying that I should be wearing this.

Oh. The studio. Is it William's house? The studio Fedora. Is it William and Joilliam Hansens? You need to turn it in a little. You're not straight, yeah. Like that?

You're not straight. First I've heard of it. Yeah, that's news to me. News to Stefan. Yes. News to us all, really. Never saw what I am. I've bloody made it.

It's a miracle. I've got sweaty hairy pits, greasy hair. And you're 37 today. But look, I was on time. What a time to be a lot. You were actually before me. I was. Yeah.

Which is a turn-up for the books. I did come in with the whole fam today. The whole crew are here. The whole crew are here. Yeah. They have had to exit the studio because it is. Being kicked out. It's exceptionally loud, in it, God-lover.

One needed a poo. The other one was spinning around on the chair like he was going to rock it off into the moon. The baby's tired, but we're surviving. Welcome to 37. Welcome to Day 1 and 37. I'm 37 in thriving. 30, flirty and not thriving. I'm surviving, not thriving.

Also, have you seen Anne Hathaway's announced at Devil Wears Prada Tuss in production? No. I want to see the theatre show. I want to see the theatre show. Should we go? Should we? Do you have a secret mum pod day? Have a little birthday date?

Oh, I love it. Yeah, let's do that. We'll tell Stefan and Chris we've got a meeting. No, they might try and fucking turn up like last time. As a surprise. Surprise, shoddy. So Emma and I really want to hear from you. Yeah, we want you to join us in the Secret Mum Club.

You're all welcome. You can share your secrets with us, respond to what we've been talking about, or just say, Hello! You can find us on TikTok and Instagram. Just search for Secret Mumpod, or you can email us hello at secretmumpod.com. Right, it's time for the Correspondence Corner. We get them to the Correspondence Corner. Right, Emma, let's have it.

Large. This one says, hi, lovely ladies. Hello. I'm a long time listener, but this is my first time getting in touch. Welcome for lack of a virgin. Who! I know how much. It says, I know how much you love a swear.

Fucking how we do. Us. No fucking way. My little boy Noah is now too, and he's had many funny moments. But I think this one, I know. I think this one will entertain you the most. When he was about a year and a half, he was helping me clean the sofa after spilling his snack. And what came out of his mouth completely shocked me. Here's a little clip.

So do, oh my gosh. Okay. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Look. Annie. What happened?

Aespa. There's pennies on the sofa. Oh, my God. She's literally hiding behind the sofa cushions. That stifle her laughter. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Do you know what?

Sometimes, though, you know, when they swear, and then it's like, oh, I got away with this. Also, I don't know if they heard. so I'm going to go again. Yeah. You're crumbling inside. Oh, it's so funny. You don't want to laugh because you know it's bad, but they're like, oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck. Just to make sure you. Oh, fuck. The context is so perfect. And the tone of it, he's definitely heard that somewhere before. What are you trying to say? Oh. Never swear in front of us.

Mums never swear in front of our children. Much? Oh, no. started doing um he's obviously got all the toy story toys and he started playing with them with an american accent oh we love that obviously that's what they say iconic and his forky is it's suspicious he'll be like I'm fucky I'm fucking I'm fucking me and step and I'm like who I'm fucky I'll try and get it on camera it's like a flump daughter used to call a flump a fuck oh yeah and she'd be like can I have another fuck can I have another fuck can I have another fuck can I have another

fuck. See how many fucks we can get in our mouth. Do you want to fuck? I want a fuck. I love a fuck. My mum used to be like, it's flump. Flump. Flump. She used to go, fuck. All right. Okay. Nope. Oh, Noah. This says, keep doing what you're doing. You make motherhood so much easier to deal with. You've honestly helped so many of us, myself included. Love from Courtney and two-year-old Noah in Southampton. Yay. My girl. Big up the self-emptive. Everyone thinks it's just me. We're all We're all just one of a kind in Southampton. Legends. It's where the legends are born.

I won't like you. Look at Noah, straight up ledge. I love that so much. Thanks, Courtney. And honestly, you help us. Yeah. I think people listen and they're like, oh, you're helping, but you help us. You're keeping us saying.

You help us. You help us. Keep helping you. Helping you. Yeah. Help us. So you can get in touch with us on anything at all. Yeah, it can be serious or silly.

And you can be totally anonymous. Because between us, we've probably. heard it all before. And remember, Zofi has got to turn it down, bear with. We're all in this together and we know that we are. We're all stars and we see that. Right. Here's my secret of the week. This one is wild. So buckle up. You get one guess as to who you think the secret of the week is when we've revealed the secret of the week. We're sat around having a little family dinner, family convo. Dottie was like, oh, had an interesting conversation at school today. I said, did you? She was like, yeah, do you want to know what we were talking about? And I was like,

I would really love to know what you were talking about. She said, you know, Colby came home the other day and said he'd saw pubs and penises and he wasn't too happy about it. She goes, never guess what I did today. In PSC, you mean? PHS. Not just, sorry, I should have explained that a little bit better. I was going to say. Not just straight pubes and penis. Right. That would be odd. In class. Yeah, dangerous. But he was doing PHSE and he'd come home from school talking about how we'd seen it, seen the lady parts and talked about all of the jazz, you know? with the growing bodies. Dotty went, well, you'll be, you'll be happy to know that I also have had a conversation

about penis and volvos. And I went, Volvos, wow. So I said, not anything they're teaching you about penises. They're teaching you, what, MOTs? That cars. Engine exchange. She was just like, I don't really know what you're talking about. But yeah, we had to talk about penis and volvos today.

And I was like, I don't know why we're putting penises and volvos together. And she was like, well, every woman has a vulvo's. And I was like, well, I've never driven a Volvo. And she went, that's strange. I thought you had three children's out of your Volvo. And I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't think you mean Volvo, do you? And she went, yes, I do.

I do mean a Volvo. I went, I think you mean Volvo. Oh, yes. It's an easy mistake to make. Easy mistake. But now we just call my foo foo a Volvo. Yeah. I love that.

Hatchback. She says, bloody hell, you haven't shaved your Volvo. We're meant to be going out today, Mommy. You're going out with a hairy Volvo. So now my foo is just a Volvo. Volvo. So I'm going, I'm going for a Volvo estate. She's got more, she's got more space in the back. Yeah. A gaping hole, if you will. Gaping vagina, I would like to call it. Actually, it's my gaping Volvo. She comes in like a sage green. I feel like it is a mum vehicle. It's a mum vehicle or like a granddad. It's a bit of a granddad car, a Volvo.

I wouldn't say my vagina is a granddad. I wouldn't say my Volvo is a granddad, granddad vehicle. No. I like to say she's, not that old yet. No. I was going to say penises in volvos is something which should probably be worried about. But also, more to the point, I was actually very shocked at the fact that she's six.

Yeah, they're doing it already. And some of the children in the class are five. And I was more shocked. But I said, I hope they, I would have liked them to have told her it was a Volvo. Well, they're just learning about body parts then. Yeah. Take the eaves, ease, what's the word?

To ease them in gently, I'd have been like, look, this is a pinto and a Volvo. Yeah. Sometimes they do collide. They crash on occasion. They're not the bestest of modos. Pontoes, they come in all different shapes and sizes. A little bit fugly.

But, you know, they get the job done. A Ponto's tiny. They get you from A to B. You know. Growers, not showers or a Ponto. And then you've got a Volvo. Huge. Again, all different sizes.

You can get a small Volvo. You also get one with an estate, can't you? Four by four. So, yeah. It did make me track on the fact that now our body parts are just going to be... Cars. Yeah. It's a nice metaphor, I think.

I think it's wonderful. Yeah. I could do with an engine change in my Volvo, to be honest. Do with the service down there? It just made me laugh how we just sat down having this family conversation She was just like, yeah,

been doing penis and volvos at school. What are we learning? We're learning? Oil change? MOT new wipers? No one wants to see a penis in a Volvo. I don't want to see a penis in a Volvo. Fuck me, that's a story for another day.

That's a different story. Certainly won't be showing children that. Jesus Christ. Not at school. Oh my gosh. Wait a 10 year older. I don't think I'm ready. That's going to be secondary school though, is it?

Penises and volvos. Yeah, do they learn about that at secondary school? Is it year seven? Did somebody message in and say? Sex ed. Yeah. What about actual sex? I think they do learn about actual sex.

Oh, God. I never had it. I had a urine infection all the time. During PSC? Always. P.A. It wasn't that, though. What was it when we were at school?

I used to call it PSE, but now it's PSHE. I don't even know what the subject was called at school. I used to skip it all the time. Sex ed. Yeah. Sex education. Yeah. What are you doing today?

Sex education. Sexual education. Did you not have any? So did you leave school, not knowing how babies were made? Three babies later. Well, I know how they're made now. I'm sure you do. Stork.

I didn't like the classes. No. They made me very uncomfortable. I didn't go to the classes. Our teacher was very creepy. Yeah, that's a weird. It's a weird process, isn't it? No offence to teachers, but it can be when you're a child.

It can be very, it's a lot, isn't it? And then how you perceive somebody, like how I perceive somebody to how somebody else would perceive them. That's a really hard one to get out of children's head. And I just didn't like it. So I just always used to how the urine infection. Every P.E. was on a period. Oh, yeah.

Obviously forged my mum. Got my mum to write a letter every week. I used to sit in Linda's office. Linda was my head of year. Every week they'd be like, you're on your period again. Yes, I'm very regular. Fun fact, me and Linda are still friends. Are you?

Yeah, Facebook friends. But she was my head of year. Was there not quite an age gap there? Yeah, massive. I just used to sit in her off. office. I never went to class. I was not, I don't think I was the best student at school. Kel surprise. Are you shocked by that? No. So yeah, I think they do learn about it at school, don't they? They learn how to. Did you do it? Penis and bono. I do remember doing the condom

on the banana. Yeah, I did the condom on the banana. But that's all I remember really. But then I stole the condoms and just made, we made water balloons. Yeah. And then just started launching down the corridor. Then I got detention. Yeah. It wasn't educational. And then I had to go home and to my mum and dad why actually i think they called my mum into the school i'd stolen a frog from science a real one well he wasn't he wasn't alive we had to disinfect disinfect disintegrate a frog you have to dissect dissect a frog yeah we did that so i took the frog the dead frog yeah oh my god and then i had to explain to my mom and dad why what i was doing to have detention and i was like i was making water balloons from johnny's condoms but they were so rubbery they were so rubbery

that they never exploded. They just used to blight. They used to bounce. Yeah. Flubber. It was so much fun they watch and the way. You could hit in slow motion. Like, oh, so much fun, honestly.

That shows how good they are as protection, though. Nothing's getting through there. Nothing is getting through them. Well, actually, they do. So we ended up with Little Renly. I'm supposed to say. I don't want to say that. Lower the tone.

Sorry. So that is my secret and also a very unhinged reflection of my life. We're keeping it all in. We keep, but the Maz isn't going to remove that. It's my 37th birthday. And this is what I did. Chuck Johnny's filled with water at school. God love me.

We're now going to get into three secrets of yours this week. So, Emma, take it away with number one, please. All right, this says, hi, Sophie and Emma. I'm looking for some advice, please, on stopping breastfeeding. Oh, I don't know if I'm the person for that. My little girl Ellen is now one Oh stunning name And I'm going back to work

So I really need to stop I've cut down loads already But I've got into the habit of feeding her to sleep She's never slept through the night And when she wakes up I just feed her Because it's the quickest way to get us both back to sleep I know it's probably all linked to sleep training But honestly I feel completely lost

I've struggled to find any advice that actually works for us Love the podcast It's got me through so many sleepless nights this past year Love Sarah Oh God bless you Sarah I don't think I'm the one to give any advice on this You have already done it though with Jojo didn't you I did do it with Joseph, but I haven't done it yet with Sadie.

How was your experience with Joseph? Now, with Joseph, it was a lot easier because he was only six months old. Okay. He was five months old when I went back to work and I stopped breastfeeding him at six months. Okay. So that was a lot easier because he was a lot less aware and didn't really have like the attachment issues that Sarah's little girl will have because she's so much older. She's one. And I've got this same problem now with Sadie.

So with Joseph, I literally just just weaned him off. So I just fed him like less and less and less, like went down to once a day and then like maybe once every couple of days. And then really quickly, I can't really remember, but I think definitely in the space of like a week, he was fine. And obviously he was always already taking bottles from Stefan. So like that wasn't a problem. And how was he through the night? Was he okay through the night? Fine. And then he slept through the night because I wasn't breastfeeding him in the night.

So all we did then. So he was kind of already in that routine, was he? He was in the routine. But he was still having a bottle at night. which Stefan was giving him because I was back at work. And then to wean him off the bottle, we followed, I think I've mentioned to her before, Lucy Wolfe has got a sleep training guide.

And it just recommends reducing the amount in the bottle down every night by like two ounces. So you get to the point where you're barely feeding them anything and then they don't wake up for it. And again, that was done within the space of like less than a week. He was off it and it was fine. So that was all really good. Sadie, I've got myself into a similar situation to Sarah

because we haven't really committed. We kind of half-hast, like, tried to do that with her, but it got too difficult. We were both at work, and we kept just falling back into the habit of, like, just feed her, shut her up and get her back to sleep. So she will still wake up for a feed in the night, and she's 17 months.

Okay. I try not to breastfeed her. Say, dear, Jesus Christ, I've said, so friendly. I've been saying he's 15. Yeah, not years old. 17. Pretty much looks 15.

Time flies. Yeah, there's 17 months this month. Holy moly. April May, June, July. Yeah. Well, 16, they're 16, 17 months at the moment. We can start saying a year and a half now. Okay, that's good.

Yeah, yeah, thanks for that. And then the next, you can just let me know the next one. Yeah, so there's a year and a half and the next junction will be two. Perfect. Yeah, in March. But yeah, we're, I'm not really the person to offer you advice because we're still doing it. I don't know what I would do if I try to put myself in this position or like when you're, when you're trying to, because I know it's different to feed him because it's comfort. But like we used to go through the phase of rocking Renly to sleep.

And obviously now we've transitioned from rocking him to sleep to we've laid in his bed for him to sleep. But now we are, now we just, weirdly, he's the only one that's done it. But I always follow the lead of the children. I'm not somebody that's ever sticks to a routine. I just think when they fall to sleep, they'll fall to sleep. We now do the, he just lies on the lounge floor. It'll roll around. He has a little pillow.

He has his little comforter. He has his little nighttime show on. And he just rolls back. forth and he self-soothes himself on the floor in the lounge or on the sofa and we just transfer him from there now into the bed because when I then put him into a bed I feel like he'll just do the self-soothing in there we hope does it and does he stay asleep then but he's sleeping he's sleeping incredible at the moment yeah I think he's having a bit of a growth spurt he's sleeping wonderful now but I feel sometimes when the more pressure we put on things like if I was to try and

force him to go to sleep when he isn't ready to go to sleep. Not only do I stress myself out, but I'm also stressing him out. Sometimes he doesn't go to sleep until 9 o'clock. Very rarely, though. Normally he's done by about 7.7.30 and you can guarantee he'll go to sleep. But if I put too much pressure on any of them, any of them to do something that they don't want to do, it stresses them out, then in turn just stresses us out. So to give advice, again, obviously, if you're feeding her to fall to sleep, would you recommend change into the bottle? Feeding her Yeah, I mean, I've had some advice from a sleep consultant. And in that Lucy Wolf book as well, it does say, like, don't feed them to sleep

because they get used to that cue then and they need it to resettle in the night. So she does recommend giving the bottle or the boob or whatever your last feed is going to be at least 45 minutes before bedtime. So they don't have that association with sleep. To be honest, I've never done that with either of them because it's just the routine that they have a bath. They get out of the bath and then in their sleeping bags and then feed them the bottle and we put them straight down. Which is what we always have. That's always worked for Joseph. Obviously now that Rennie's big enough now, probably since one, we've done bath,

sleeping bag, bottle in front of the telly, but he just feeds himself and then he takes whatever he wants today. But we're now a year and a half. He has no milk. Doesn't? No, no morning or nighttime milk. He has yoghuts throughout the day. He's just not fuss.

He'll sometimes have a little bit of cup, a cup of milk with his dinner because he loves an open cup, like a... Yeah, he doesn't want it from a bottle. He doesn't want it from a bottle because the other two are drinking out of cups. Yeah. He's, I just feel like his... progression is huge at the moment. So he's got his little two-hand cup.

He'll have a little bit of milk maybe with his dinner. Or he really likes a little milkshake. You'll have a little strawberry milk or a little chocolate milk with his dinner. And that's it. Not Bother, doesn't want a bottle. Would much rather a bottle of water, which is exactly the same as Colby. The only one that I ever struggled with milk. And even now she loves the milk is darts.

Really? It's so interesting how different they all are. Because Joseph still has his bottle of milk in the morning and before bed and it's three and a half. Not bothered. From a bottle. as well. Sometimes I'm like, you look really too big to be having a baby bottle. I think he'd just sit in his bed and eat a roast dinner if he could.

That'd be great for getting him dry in the night though because he's not drinking before bed when you get around to it. Yeah. We're already on the potty. Potty will win and poo in during the day. He's very advanced. He's very advanced. Lots of accidents. And I've gone on a hose pipe band now so I can't even wash away off the deck in. Yeah, no. But no, I again, I'm not somebody

but I would love if anybody could write in and give some advice to Sarah. Yeah. So you can break the link between feeding and sleeping, but I don't know whether Sarah wants to stop breastfeeding completely or just stop doing it before sleep. Yes, to get the routine of falling to sleep and then when she wakes in the night feeding her back to sleep. Finding something to soothe her to sleep. Because obviously if you are going back to work, you ideally don't want to be waking in the night to feed because you're just going to be knackered during the day, which is what me and Stefan do. You want a great night to sleep so we're ready. We're constantly exhausted so I would not recommend. But yeah, I think you need to get

her comforted to sleep without the feed to get her used to not being fed in the night. So there's various things you can do you can like say start with the like rocking and then gradually do less and less introduce a comforter instead i definitely would think one thing at a time yeah and i would yeah try recommend in sleeping with her like settling her to sleep by lying next to her as much as they roll around and they take a long time to persevere with that i'm not really the one that likes to leave them to cry and leave the room because from one i always think they get a little bit scared so if you can move away from feeding her to sleep and maybe lie with her in a bed with some music on so that she gets used to the sound so that you can then put the sound on if she stares in the night

or lie with her in the night to come for her back to sleep. That would be maybe what avenue I would try to go down. And then you can gradually position yourself further and further away. So like you start next to the cot, then you move a bit further away, then you maybe have a chair in the corner of the room. And then you can just, she's used to the sound. You can then just put the sound on and leave the room and she's used to the sound. So yes, hopefully, or if there's anybody that can give us any advice,

obviously the most important thing is that you're having, one, enough sleep and two, that you are completely calm in your mind because you're going back to work. And that is insanely important because the last thing you need is to have this weighing on your head while you're going back into work. But you can just replace the feed. If you don't, if you want to stop breastfeeding completely, because I'm trying to step away from feeding Sadie so much now, it's just replace that feed with a bottle.

If you still want to do it, you can obviously wake up and feed her in the morning before you go to work. Yeah, just the timings would have to just change slightly. Yeah, but if you've got a partner that can give her a bottle instead, within a couple of days, they kind of forget about it. Like, Sadie's fine to take a bottle from Stefan now instead of taking a feed from me. Yes. So if you've got someone that can do that, then just replace your breastfeed with a bottle

and then eventually you get her off the bottle. Yes. But yeah, good to hear from anyone. Sorry, Sarah, that's really overwhelming. Sorry, we do apologise. It's a tricky one though. It is a tricky one. Yeah.

And it's not something that's just easy. It's not something that just happens overnight. It does take time. Yeah. So we're thinking of you, Sarah. and thank you so much for messaging in and like I said, if anyone can give or share some advice, would be fantastic.

We are. Okay, let's have number two. Hello, ladies. Hello. I'm really struggling at the moment with getting my daughters to play nicely together. My eldest is six and my youngest is two. The little one is very forward and well spoken,

so communication isn't the issue. In fact, she adores her big sister and just wants to play with her all the time. The problem is, my eldest will only play with her if it's on her own terms and only with her little sister's toys. If the two-year-old sets foot in her big sister's room all hell breaks loose.

She's not allowed to touch anything and my eldest gets super protective over her stuff. Every now and then she'll let her into play but one wrong move and that's it.

She's banished from the bedroom which really upsets my youngest and leads to massive tantrums. I try not to force the six year old to play with her and do my best to distract the little one with other activities but she just loves her sister so much

all she wants is that connection. I know Sophie's talked before about doing different things with each of the kids and I really try but I've also got a one year old boy in the mix and honestly I'm struggling with being split into three different moms

to meet three totally different sets of needs. Do you have any tips on how to help the girls get along better or is this just something that will come with time? I try to take them out together but even going to the park turns into tantrums and arguments because the eldest doesn't want to play with the youngest. All advice, welcome from a very overstimulated mum, Jasmine from Andover. Oh, God bless you, Jasmine.

This is tough. Yeah. This one is really tough. And as much as I don't want to be that wankat, I feel like it is time. Time will prevail in this one. It is a shit situation. but it is all about time.

Being from my situation, obviously I've got Colby and Dottie who are nearly nine and seven because we don't have long and it's their birthday soon. So they're nearly nine and seven and then obviously Renly, who's one and a half, he'll be nearly two. For me, how it's worked in the dynamic

is they'll play as a three because the other two are so obsessed with the baby. So being the weather is really nice at the moment. I don't know this situation at home if you have somewhere in the garden that they can play is I found that buying things for the garden for them to play and be out in the fresh air

because one the park is too much Renly wants to run everywhere Colby is really really strong so he'll be doing his swing really hard and he ends up knocking Dotty in to the street next door and it can just it's a lot, it can be really overwhelming so we either do scooters

where we can scoot to the shop and back and we go and pick up a snack we also have time in the garden so we've bought them little cars in the garden that they can play that together because what I was finding is I was trying to find divvying up the time to individually do them and like Jasmine I was feeling really stretched I couldn't be with Colby I couldn't be with Dotting I couldn't be with Renley because the guilt was just outweighing me so instead of that I have collated them as a three and if one of the three doesn't want to play then we'll find an

activity for them to do or Colby will go and watch the telly or play with the PlayStation but I am having a really open conversation with all of them like the sun is out the The weather's beautiful. Let's go for a walk. Again, I'm trying to do it so that we're walking to get something. Right, we're going to the shop and we're going to go and get a cake mix and then we're going to go home and together we're going to make cakes. And I always say to mine, and as harsh as it is, I know people won't always agree with that. And I just say, this is today's activity and this is what we're doing. If you don't want to be involved in that, the only other option is that we have the television. You're more than welcome to sit and watch your film if you would like to. And if the first one

taps out being Colby, let's just say, and he wants to watch the television. And I say to Dotty, if you don't want to do it or if she's getting upset or doesn't want to do the activity, you now can't go and tell Colby to change the channel on the television. You have to either join him in into activity or you have to go and find something that you want to do. Obviously, I completely understand we've got a two-year-old and a one-year-old and they're not going to get it. But my only advice is to collectively bring together. And also the six-year-old, if you don't want to be involved in what I'm doing with the two little ones, then you're going to have to go and play and do an activity on your own

until mummy can give you the time to do that. And I think it's, I feel like six, it's very similar age to Dottie. So I feel like she's definitely going to understand. I can have some really good conversations with Dottie to the point she understands. I would say between Colby and Dottie, being a boy and a girl, Colby at six years old was way more able to control his emotions.

And he was way more understanding and patient. with Dotty at 6 rather than now she's a little bit harder to tell like she's like I'm bored of playing with Renley and I think like Jasmine Renley and Dotty are very similar she will play with Renley but it's her terms

it's her way or no way and I'm playing your toys you're not playing with mine you're not touching my barbies don't heaven forbid I kind of get that as the oldest sibling because it's like this is all my stuff that I really like and now this toddler just coming in and trash and everything so we have to set boundaries with Dotty so if Dotty wants to play with her toys I can either play

We can either play as a three You, me and Renley And we can play something together And we'll find a toy that we can play together And then when Renley's down having his nap We can then play Barbies Or if Daddy's got an activity That he's going to play with the boys in the garden

If they're playing football Then I can play Barbies with you Or me, you and Renley can play Barbies So we can find something collectively Where we can play it together Otherwise we can't play But it is hard It's hard to make her understand

To play with the two-year-old sorry, it's hard to make the two-year-old understand if the six-year-old doesn't want to play, so I get that. My only advice that I can give is while the weather is beautiful to be outside, I would avoid parks. I find parks too much.

Yeah, especially with three children. And mine are bigger. And they want to do different things as well. And you're stretched. Yeah, it's too much. Aiming to go to the shop to get even if it's things to build a sandwich from them to make their own subway. Yeah. You get out. It ties them out. If you can do scooters with them,

wonderful I mean I literally make going to the cafe like an activity I'm like let's go get mummy a coffee and then the things that you can structure like walking to somewhere and back you can structure walk into a coffee shop and sit in there and the baby might enjoy it because I think oh there's nothing for Sadie really here but she just enjoys being in the pram looking around we go for all in she's taking it all in something else that I do that you might think I'm crazy it's something I did load when I had Colby and Dotty I used to do the whole bus route I say to the bus driver can I get on the bus and I I just want to follow the route

if I have to stop if it doesn't loop back around. Yeah. But I used to just go on the bus. We do that as well. The bus is, sometimes I don't even need to get on the bus. Like I'll literally be a walk.

I'll be a walk from home. I get on the bus. I'm like, let's just get on the bus. Or I get the bus into town, walk around town and then I get back on. Or I go get the bus to get the bus. We look at the water. Get back on the bus.

They sit there on the bus. And it can take two, three hours. And they're looking at people and taking it all in and being nosy. And it's cheap. It's really, really cheap. Good activity. Yeah, it's a really, really good activity all around IKEA. That's another great one.

I did IKEA with the kids the other day. You think I'm mad. Honestly, I was absolutely thrilled with myself. They had lunch for 175. Meatballs and mash. What the freaking hell. And there was a little park outside. You could feed the whole family for a tenor at IKEA.

We had a great time. Get those balls in my mouth. It's good. And there's something for everyone. Like your one year old can sit in the buggy and look around. Your two year old can toddle around. And fun fact, in the school holidays, they do crafts in our IKEA. They do a little, yeah, they do sessions, don't they?

And they feel like they're in someone else's house. You jump. on that couch. You mount those beds and you jump on them. I think the staff hate me because they're like, can I jump on the bunk beds? And I'm like, yes, go ahead. And the staff are like, can't get down please. That's dangerous. They put the plastic on the steps at hours. We can't do that. But they love it. And if you can get their early doors when it's open, let them run free. Yeah. They're safe. Relatively safe. Back home for colouring. And it's definitely finding what crafts they can do together. Yeah. If it's waterplay, buy one of them trays from,

you know, from being cute. I think they're a tenor. Yes. And they come with the little table legs. Do watercraft, bubble craft, painting with bubbles, Google all of the crafts that you can do in the garden that they can both just put on old clothes and just have messy play with them. Renly loves sitting with a bucket of water while the other two are colouring, chalking. I buy the chalks in the garden, they chonged along the fence. You can hose it down at the end of the day. Definitely finding activities that the girls can do together rather than trying to play with their toys, if that makes sense.

Yeah, like joint stuff. Yeah. It might be a bit projective over their own stuff. It's hard for an older sibling though because I feel like they have to make a lot of allowances for the little ones. And this is what I'm saying is don't take that away from the big one. It's not, you know. It's not fair.

It isn't fair. And that's just me being really honest. I have, even with Joseph and Sadie, like they're much closer in age. But I feel like I expect a lot of him because he can understand and Sadie can't. So if she comes in, takes his stuff, trashes it. I find myself being like, oh, let's Sadie have that. Let's Sadie do that because she doesn't understand. And the alternative is if I don't let her have something,

there's a moment. belt down. So because Joseph understands, I go, oh, just let Sadie have that. And I think he's a bit like, no, it's my toy. It's like, no, it's something I don't do. I think because I was maybe the youngest of three, it was kind of like, oh, you just got to share with the other two or you can just have what the other two have. Never have your own stuff, yeah. No, and I think where I had an older sister as well, it's always hand me downs or you can have that from your sister. I just, and I'm very much, Colby's stuff is Colby's. Dotsie stuff is Dotsie's. Renly stuff is Renly's. And even I said to Dotty, she'll come in and she'll be like, oh, Renly, get off of the toy. I'm playing with it. And I'm

I'm like, no, that's his toy. That's his property. If you want to play with his toys, you play with him if he would like to play with you. Otherwise, you leave his toys and you play with his. And I do the same to Renley. If he goes in and snatches here, I'll tell him. I will say to him, no, that's Dotty's. And I talk to him exactly the same as I do to the other two.

It's got no fucking idea what I'm saying. But I will remove Renny from the situation if Dotty doesn't want him in there playing with the toys. But something that is the three of them. So crafting, cake making, sandwiches. in that I that's collected that's a family activity board games family activity yeah nothing is there's barbies dollies play house imaginary play that's dotty's gaming football roadblocks minecraft that's colby's renleys phonics all they all have their things that they absolutely adore he loves watching miss rachel that's their things i don't take that from them so the bits

that they can collectively do as a three that's a joint activity yeah which i feel like you've got no arguments then you can't say oh that's hers that's his stop touch it just is a come together yeah let's have some fun yes so try and take the pressure off of you a little bit good advice but yeah that's that's a lot but again if anybody does have any advice for jasmine yeah please do let us know do let us know and let us know how you get on jasmine if you do find that if anything works for you yeah and wishing you all the best i feel like you're doing really well you've got two two tiny ones and a big girl that you're trying to allow her to be herself yeah it's hard isn't it dress herself. I think you're doing fantastic. So hopefully that can ease your mind a little bit.

Yeah. Right. Let's have our last one. All right. This one says, hey ladies, it's Rebecca from Merseyside whose mum forgot to take her to school. Do you know that? Yes, I do. I do. And her dad was like a school inspector. Yes. Why aren't the kids at school? All right, she says, I have a secret about poo I want to share. We are the mum poo pod. Because it is the secret mum poo pod after all. It's a secret mum poo pod. When I was about six months old, my parents started finding strange long strings in my nappies. Naturally they were worried I was their first baby and they had no idea what was going on. Strings? Strings, long strings. No one they spoke to who had experienced anything similar so they came to their own slightly wild conclusion. I must have been pulling

the hairs out of the animals in my board books. Out came the scissors and suddenly all the fluffy creatures in my books were completely bald. Bald horses, bald giraffes, bald everything. A few days passed and the strings kept appearing. Turns out, oh, it was just banana fibres from weaning, safe to say they felt terrible and I was left with a load of hair hairless bald books. I hope this gave you a laugh and sorry it's a bit of a long one. Oh shit, they cut the hair. They cut the hairs of all the animals in the books. Because they thought she was eating it. Because they thought she was eating it. But it was the black wiggly worms from the bananas. It was the worms from the bananas.

Oh my goodness me. That's also disgusting. Do they come out you whole? Banana strings. I peel all the strings of my bananas. It's not to do with the strings. On the outside. It's not to do with the strings. is it? Aren't they the bits from the outside? I thought it was when the baby eats them, they get black wiggly worms in their poo. Do they? I thought it was the stringy bits from the outside.

Do you know what they're called? Flown bundles. Flown bundles. Flom bundles. But surely if you ate that bit of the stringy bit, it would dissolve in your poo, surely. I thought it was the black wiggly bits in your poo. Well, Rebecca, we need some... I'm going to have to Google this. Let me Google.

Does the banana come out in your poo black? Rebecca, we need some clarification. Right. Bananas do not typically clause black stuff. However, they can contribute to black spikes in the stall, which are usually undi-digested food particles. While it's common to see black specks after eating bananas, especially if they are not fully ripe, it is not the same as a black tarry stall. That's like a new baby poo, isn't it? So they're saying black specks can come out in your poo if you eat bananas.

But I think she means the stringy bits off the outside of the banana. But the outside, I feel like, they make me gag. it's when they're just like stuck to your oh god what I'm going to do I don't want any loose strings on my banana people that eat those bits oh my god I don't eat their big I'll pill them off

I thought it was from the back of the skin I thought they just didn't come off of the skin yeah it should come off oh my god that makes me feel a little bit sick they're so chalky them bits aren't they bananas make me gag a bit in general actually bananas are a very old one yeah

you either love them or hate it's weird that babies love them because I think they're such a weird texture does he hates them whereas the other two loved them yeah Jojo loves a banana oh god even a green one gosh Rebecca we appreciate you your poor parents fuck me

poor her she had no hairy books so all your animals are bald thank you for sharing your secrets this week everyone is welcome in the secret mum club if you'd like to share your secrets with us you can the email is hello at secret mumpod or with secret mum pod on TikTok and Instagram have you had a stringy poo

or do you have any advice for Jasmine let us know there really is nothing too outrageous keep an eye out for our Thursday episode We'll see you next time on the Secret Mum Club.