Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Hairy White Bum

Episode Date: February 19, 2024

With not long to go, prep for the babies is underway in both households! As well as running around the house, Sophiena brings us a secret about Colby's football practice. And we have letters from you about an obsession with Hey Duggee (because who doesn't love the stick song??), a nurse's unwarranted nickname for "fu fu cottage cheese", and swimming pool changing room antics. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello this is the secret mom club i'm safina and i'm emma and this podcast is a safe space for mums everywhere a safe space to share our secrets because we all have secrets don't we and as we know sharing is caring you don't even have to tell us who you are you can keep that to yourself you can be anonymous those those secrets can be serious or silly all secrets are welcome in their secret mom club had an epiphany while i was in the toilet as to last week's episode of the missing lyric oh you thought of it yeah go on we are family yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i got all my sisters with me oh the bit do you are you ready yeah so the line that i thought was but isn't is we're making love in a

family dome obviously you wouldn't have a family if you're wearing a Femidom. We're making love in a Femidom. Femidom. Yeah. What is it? We're making love in a family dome? No. We're making love in a family room? We're making love in a family something. Oh, another one. Just let me staple the bicker. What?

There's loads in there. In that song? Yes. Just let me staple the bicker. Oh oh it's all coming back to me now yes what is it what is it really just let me stay for the vicar love that i don't know what is it just let me stay for the weekend yes is it weekend i think so yeah because we're making love in a so there's me like just let me staple the vicar because we're making love in a family dom

instead it's just let me stay for the weekend we're giving we're giving love in a family something zone

don't know but I'm never going to sing it the same again no so there we go that was my missing lyrics so if you didn't watch

last week's episode this is our cue to you to you to go back and listen. Because some of those misheard lyrics were fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. I'll never hear them the same again.

Fantastic. Absolutely divine. Have you had a better week this week? Honesty is the best policy I always find. And the answer is no. No. I knew you were going to say that. No, it has been a little bit better this week.

I've had lots of lovely things this week so we've had lots of we had a family day out playing bowling oh we took the babies out to do bowling because we haven't really done anything we've been so consumed in doing the house yeah we haven't taken any time out to do some family things so we had a family day out in town shopping baroos in the shops i should say and then we went and had some dinner we had a real greek is it called the real yeah yeah absolutely have some nice dips oh my god the wraps and dips so much hummus i was actually obsessed with the damas are they the um vine leaves with the rice inside. Oh, yum. They were absolutely nilty. Also had some filo pastry parcels that had like spinach and cheese.

Yum. Oh my God. Tzatziki? No, I only had the hummus. Went with just the hummus. But we had a delicious dinner and then we went to the arcade. We did some bowling and it was a really fun time. And then we've had some time with my family and had a delicious dinner and then we went to the arcade we did some bowling and it was a really fun time and then we've had some time with my family and had a dinner out this week with

my family when you go bowling are you allowed to have the barriers up i didn't actually bowl oh so there's logic to my madness so the babies need assistance not so much colby more dot c bearing in mind she did put the ball down someone else's lane because she just went like this she went I just loved it she went to do the roll and then to top it all off it went in their gully and got stuck in their gully so we not only had to call them but we stopped the game next to us as well because we fucked up their lane but it's one of those things that you roll it down so we put the barriers up there and also there's a bit of equipment that you can like roll it down yeah the little ramp the ramp she doesn't want that though because no one else uses okay fine

so um yeah i tend to be either me and chris take it in turns or the baby's doxy does get a little bit bored she's like oh you take my shot because i don't want to do my arm hurts yeah so we tend to just do it and then i just fill in when the babies don't want to or they need some help because they do when you watch the ball and it's when colby goes up and it just goes so slowly and you're like is it actually make it? And it goes so slow that it basically just goes on the pins. And no pins go down. Oh, man. And then he's like, oh, no. Try again.

And you're like. It's so frustrating. But it doesn't fill my heart with so much love. I do love watching it. I'm not going to lie. I'll only play with the barriers up, to be fair. And I'm a grown ass adult. Chris regretted his life choices at

the end of the game when he lost to both of them colby on the first game dots in the second game he was like i should have just done the barriers you should yeah you should have you got ballsy there didn't you yeah you really thought you were you thought you were something special you really thought you were something no it was good fun so that's that's brighted my mood and then we had lots of progress because we've had a little bit of a um a little bit of we've we've taken one step forward with the conservatory and then like 10 steps back so there's been a few things but we are finally getting the kitchen in now nice we've got fridges in cupboards in and it's getting to look like a room now pantry

pantry jealous of your pantry my pantry is in the doors are on haven't done the door reveal yet though but he is back today back this week so hopefully i'm thinking mid to end week it might be done it might be done in time for bibby and we can sit and chill and enjoy the space no it's been a nice it's been a steady week i'm trying to not do too much as well i'm trying not to overload myself so it's been pretty steady i've done lots of hauls which you said you've enjoyed them oh my god you've brought you every time i look on your instagram i think shit i'm so disorganized because you've got so much stuff and i've done nothing i don't i feel like you're fibbing to me i feel like because you're not putting on instagram you're just not no honestly

i'm underestimating yourself no i haven't bought't bought a thing. You've got pram. You've done your double pram. That's incredible. Got the double pram. You've got boobs. Eden, hello. Got tits. You've grown your tits.

My tits are ready to go. But no, apart from that, have you got any bits for your bag? No. Hospital bits? No. Nothing for the hospital bag. I haven't even got the hospital bag down from the loft. That's okay, though.

I haven't even got a list. I feel like you are on it. But then I feel like our lives are slightly, slightly different. Not to make anybody's any different. But where I'm trying to do school runs, after school clubs and get those officials all in. Also raising to the big ones. I don't feel like I'm giving myself enough time to get that in.

I feel like you're going to have a little bit more time with Joseph. You say that. I say that, but it's not. Also, me and Stefan are never together. Something like going shopping for the hospital bag would be a nice thing to do together. When do me and Stefan have time to go shopping together? No, you don't. Never.

You don't even sleep together. We don't even watch TV, sleep in the same bed. We don't eat two eggs together either. We don't. As we we don't even watch tv we don't as we've said this wasn't a maclet conception so i don't know when we're gonna fit that in i wouldn't put too much pressure on yourself though to do the hospital baggy bits i've got a few weeks baggy bits baggy i've got baggy bits ew ew why don't you do an amazon because you can buy the minis on amazon i should just do it and why don't you sit of an. Why don't you do an Amazon because you can buy the minis on Amazon. I should just do an Amazon.

Why don't you sit of an evening? Why don't you take some time of an evening and find some time in the evening to just pick some bits together.

Do you know what I did say to Stefan though? That's cute. Obviously I know I can get all the bits on Amazon but I'm a bit granny-ish like that.

I do like going shopping for things in person. I don't really like I don't buy clothes online. I'd rather just go to a shop. It's there

isn't it but i should that would be easily accessible yeah and also my deadline is the old center parks trip yeah because by that time i think i need the hospital bag packed just in case just in case just in case that baby's coming in the car yeah not the baby the bag that yeah don't have the baby in well you can have the baby in the car if you want might end up have you seen ladies in america give birth in the car on Well, you can have the baby in the car if you want. Might end up. Have you seen ladies in America give birth in the car? On the freeway? And there's one lady who's like... Well, that's what I'm worried about.

Because Longleat's a good couple of hours away from home. And the hospital. I said, she's only down the road from me. So I said, you can pop in. No, that's the plan, isn't it? I'm going to pop into yours for a home birth. I'll take you in. Yeah.

I've got one of these little ice pools. We can make it a bit warmer. There's a little donkey ice bath. A plunge pool, yeah donkey i'll make it a bit warmer for you thank you but i am i think sometimes again we put too much pressure on ourselves i've had complications through mine which i've kind of briefly spoken about but not spoken about but because of that is what has left that's why you're being yeah very prepared yeah being a little bit prepared and i also don't want to i'm really something i'm really stressed about and i also did put this on my instagram story is i'm really not stressed but a little bit worried about how this is going to impact the other two because they fully understand we're not obviously not fully understand as to

what's going on but obviously they're very aware that i'm going to go to hospital that i'm going to give birth i'm going to have a baby uh we are a family that talks very openly about it if they ask me where the baby comes from i do tell them where the baby comes out from uh do i ask if they ask how did the baby get there that's a different kind of story that we do talk about um but yes we've i've been really honest so the intern colby is a little bit not stressed but he's just a bit like you are going to be okay aren't you yeah and they've said they've said at school like he's talking about it a lot like he knows it's coming and i kind of just don't want to be in that situation where i'm stressed like i

don't have the bag in the car so the bag's in the car now fully the isofix is in the car we like read the car's ready yeah action have Have you got your next to me up? That's the only thing they're not up. Because I thought, worst case scenario, Chris will just pop home and throw that together anyway. So I'm not bothered about that, no. So I've got all of his. The only thing I need to start doing really is washing.

But I have so much fucking washing in my house. I'm like the leaning tower of washing. Tell me about it. It's never ending. Such a boring chore isn't it it's actually not my worst one i don't mind doing and i feel like i need to get toppled that washing before i can do the baby's washing so that's kind of my last thing to do but i think if i can be as calm as i physically can colb's is going to be able to because colb's is our little sensitive

one he's the one that's very aware of everything dots she's like whoa i'll come there mom i'll pull him out i'm like okay she is used to pulling teeth out to be fair she'll just i think she'll just straight crawl up and join me just be like hello are you in here come on come with me mom's giving you your marching orders you need to get out now welcome to the world i can't wait to use that sound on instagram when the baby's just in the lap of a parent and all this crazy noise is going around like pizza smashing, everyone screaming. The baby's led there and was like, when I thought it was only going to just be me and mum. Yeah.

Then I met my siblings. He's not ready. He's not ready. He wasn't ready. He's not ready. He'll get used to it pretty quick. But I feel like I'm very, I'm in my boring era. No, not boring. It's nesting. I feel, I'm in my boring era. No, not boring.

It's nesting. I feel like I'm in my boring era. It's nesting. I'm very much, I'm very much slowing down and just trying to have, I'm just soaking up a lot of the babies. Like I feel very, like I said to you last week, didn't I? I'm feeling very overwhelmed with it all. Yeah. And that I just want to soak up just the four of us before because not only is it going

to change my life chris's life it's now going to change our two tiny people yeah um and yeah i'm just trying to i'm really really really really really excited for the moment that they get to meet him yeah and i'm living for that like we were talking about the whole motion of the baby not being there no more and that feeling yeah but i think it's the feeling of them meeting him asking me it's overwhelming yeah i can't wait i'm so like i just i'm really excited for you for that moment that joseph meets your baby yeah because even if he hates it even if he hates it it's just gonna be so fascinating to see how he reacts i can't wait and this was it so much it's so there was so much pressure on me when i met like introduced colby to dotty there was so much people were like oh my god

there is going to be the most precious moment and i just thought regardless if it's precious or if it's shit this is my baby's meeting for the first time i mean i'm not building it up too much in my head i was just probably walk off and play with his cows. And that's, could you ask for anything else? It's what I'm expecting, you know? But what you don't want them to do is get them by the ankles and just drag them down the stairs. Like, brrrr. Yeah, yeah.

What's that? Oh, just pulled her down the stairs. What? Yeah, she's all right. She's in her sleep bag. It's because I used, Dottie used to be upstairs. That was a genuine story. That was a genuine.

He just got her out of the cot. She was big-ish. Oh, my God. And he just held onto her sleep bag and dragged her down the stairs and she was like do you know what i met another mom at a class the other day who had a newborn girl and a two-year-old boy so really similar to me so i was like grilling her and everything i was like how's it been how's it going how you feeling has it gone how you expected how she was like okay um but she was like it's great but she was like

i really have to control how much he smothers her with love because he just wants to be on her all the time yeah that was colby and dot c all the videos i've got of them is just him literally everywhere she is the camera just pans and there he is he was holding her hands or he's kissing her he's got his hand on her tummy he literally suffocated her with love yeah and even now i'd say they've got a really really really lovely relationship now but it was just it was just funny and it's been a it's been the most incredible thing of my whole entire life is to watch them grow yeah as two people and just to be like they have their own little quirky things like me and chris don't understand and i think again people don't talk about that is that the little things that you do and you hear them

whispering in the bedroom and they're like you go tell mom no you go tell mom what if we don't both tell mom yeah they're good or they try and like plan little things and you just think oh it's so cute it's so cute relationship like a sibling no no i loved it it does it's very nostalgic i sit back and i just think you cheeky bastards i did this i remember when i used to do this to my sister i used to plan with my sister or how we could hurt my brother or i used to plan with my brother as how we could hurt my sister i was always the ringleader yeah could you know imagine i'm so surprised so surprised obviously that's such sucking knowledge. But no, it is wonderful.

And as we're verging near the end now. Yeah. I'm so excited for you. We're so close. So close. The end is near. And now we face the final curtain. But have you had a good week?

Yeah, so we actually finally did start doing some stuff this week. I haven't bought anything still, but we did get bits down from the loft. Because I was saying to Stefan that that's what's going to take the time is like washing all the newborn baby grows and bits and just seeing what we've got. Like I'm sure there's a shitload of vests and stuff from before that we can reuse. So we've got the newborn stuff down from the loft. We got the baby car seat, the bassinet for the pram,

the Moses basket. Stefan got it all down from the loft we got the cut like the baby car seat the bassinet for the pram the moses basket yes stefan got it all down from the loft and just like put it all in my in my bedroom upstairs which is not his bedroom uh and so i was just downstairs with joseph and then when i walked into my room that night i was like holy shit there's a moses basket in here there's gonna be a baby in that in a few weeks it was so weird seeing it back in the bedroom. Yeah. Like, obviously, the last time it was there was when Joseph was new. Yeah. So, yeah, that, like, blew my mind a little bit.

How did Joseph react to the... He hasn't seen it yet. Hasn't he? No. Maybe I'll start introducing him slowly to just see what he thinks. But I don't want to push it too much. We had the double buggy out with, with like the bassinet and joseph's

buggy joseph was like my buggy my bassinet he kept getting the little bassinet bit and i was like mate that is not for you but i can't tell him because it'll just break his heart yeah so at the moment i'm just letting him you know be blissfully ignorant but um i think maybe we should start saying to him like this is where the baby's gonna go and i don't know i don't want to push it too much but i also want to get him used to it't know. I don't want to push it too much, but I also want to get him used to it, you know? So I don't know what's the best, like, way to do it. He's been to your midwife appointments, has he?

No. I took Colby with me. Did you? All of mine. Did you? Yeah, I did. Oh, no, I just think everything's easier without a baby. So I try and schedule them when he's at nursery.

Obviously, my situation was different. He was just with, because he was with you. Chris was at work, wasn't he? Yeah, and Colby wasn't at nursery. He wasn't at nursery, no. So you had to take him with you. So I had no choice. He started nursery

the few days before Dottie was born. So the whole of my pregnancy, he was with you. He was too little, yeah. He was too little because he turned two in the August and then started preschool in the September and she came in the September.

So the whole of my pregnancy, yeah. Christ, no. After my experience with him in the hospital the other week when i had to get the baby monitored i was like never again i think it was fine doing this with a toddler is full on imagine having to take them to i wonder if that's ever happened to anybody birth yeah to the hospital well when i went in that weekend when i hadn't felt the baby move and i thought imagine they're concerned about the baby today and they're just like do you know what actually we recommend like we're in cesarean or yeah we're going to deliver the baby move. And I thought, imagine they're concerned about the baby today and they're just like, do you know what, actually we recommend like an early cesarean

or yeah, we're going to deliver the baby now. He would have been with me. He would have just been with me in hospital. We'd have had to get him in his little surgical gown. Oh my gosh. Can you imagine? I'd love to know if that's actually happened to anybody.

It must have. Will anybody let us know? Please let us know if that's happened. If you're on your own with your baby and you go into labor unexpectedly. But what happened your own with your baby and you go into labor. Unexpectedly. What happened if you were at home and you went into labor and there was no one else there? And there was no one else there to look after the baby. This could bring on some fascinating stories.

I'd love to hear from you. Just also, I just love, like a few of my friends have had these, like really quick, unexpected baby comes at home stories. There was a lady at football the other day was telling me about it. My friend literally gave birth to her second baby on the bathroom floor. This lady was on the kitchen floor. 30 minutes? Yeah, within the space of like an hour. And she was like, you need to get some towels because I've had the baby.

Her partner wasn't even in the kitchen. She was just led on the kitchen floor, midway cooking dinner. And she was like, I need a towel. The baby's here. And he was like, what? I the baby's here and he was like what i want to hear them all oh yes i love them so juicy aren't they also i saw my midwife this week because i've been convinced every single time i see someone like don't you think i'm massive don't you think i'm massive they're like no no no all tracking average like second baby you're

bound to be a bit bigger whatever i did measure big for the first time when i saw my midwife last week i was 31 weeks i think and she measured me at 33 so this week you're 32 today three which really would put me at 35 yeah although i do think that tape measure measure is a bit of it's a bit not very accurate. They measure me, right? And at one point it was practically inside my fufu rather than being on the pubic bone. And then I was like, you are taking this really high

considering that is not the baby's bum there. That is my liver. That's my massive liver. That's my massive liver. Just there across the table. Yeah, it's not a very accurate measure i don't so we've got full position of the baby he's here back's here along this side head is permanently down and i know the head's permanently down because i can feel it i feel it in my fingers

i feel it in my cervix i know my head's really down because i can't go walk five steps without pissing myself he's also got a hand in, which is really nice because when he scrapes inside, when he does this, it's like a... Forgot you were there. Yeah. Scratch a little service. We're fully in there. We're fully in. We're fully dilating.

So anyway, time will tell. Choo-choo. What are you going to do if you go into labour before your planned cesarean? They did say that I can go into labour and then still turn up at labor before your planned cesarean they did say that i can go into labor and then still turn up at hospital and have the cesarean did they yes they're not going to like make me push it out wow no no it'll be fine as long as i'm not at longleat safari park it'll be all right i'll meet you there just let me know give me half hour i'll be there emma and i really want to hear from you yeah we want you to join us in the secret mom club you're

all welcome you can share your secrets with us respond to what we've been talking about or just say hello you can find us on tiktok and instagram just search secret mom pod or email us hello at secret mom pod.com we're going in give me a c give me an r give me an R give me an E I don't know how to spell correspondence alright this one says hi ladies just listening to the episode where you talk about

the babies covered in cottage cheese someone actually messaged me about this also someone messaged me very aggressively about this well I think we got

the same message and it was like please do not remove it it's very good for the baby since we called it cottage cheese if that was you hello

because you're probably here still listening yeah I work with children and we once discussed this and what it's called a male pediatric nurse i work with decided to call it fanny batter ever since that day we've been calling it that chloe chloe i don't chloe i didn't want that information in my brain can you imagine now when the baby comes out oh oh, don't touch his fanny batter. Sheila from Wales said we need to leave it there. That is disgusting. Actually, do you know what though?

It does protect their skin, doesn't it? In all seriousness. It does. It's like waxy, isn't it? It is waxy. And when you sometimes, if you take it off too soon, their skin is not quite ready for it to come off, is it? And why they say don't bath the newborn too soon.

Or like don't use any products on them. Because their skin needs protecting, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah. You can just, it massages in as well, doesn't it? It's very nice. Well, I told you that Joseph didn't have any on him because he was late. But then their little skin's already absorbed it, hasn't it? Yeah, yeah, exactly.

I think it's only if they come out a little bit early. But fanny batter. Fanny batter's disgusting. What a disgusting phrase. Sorry, Chloe, exactly. I think it's only if they come out a little bit early. But fanny batter. Fanny batter's disgusting. What a disgusting phrase. Sorry, Chloe, about Emma. I mean, we're all, I'm all for a good fanny batter. I think fanny batter might be a bit too much for me, if I'm honest. Even for you.

Even for me. Christ. Yeah. Must be bad. Cottage cheese. Yeah, that's basically like your discharge fanny batter. Yeah. Yeah. Because I was going to say, like, how often does Vernix come up in conversation? cheese yeah that's basically like your discharge fanny batter yeah yeah because i was gonna say like how often does vernix come up in conversation but actually if you use it for any vaginal

discharge then quite a lot probably i don't talk about my discharge regularly talk about all the time what you're talking about you're always telling me about your latest discharge am i i did i do talk about it a lot with my midnight wife she asked me the other day if my vernix vernix she asked me if mine was aggressive i don't know i haven't spoken to him next time you see i call it fanny bear i'm gonna say to her my fanny batter this week is doing great all right i've got another email here it says hi ladies i listened to you talking about pumping and feeding my little girl was born very prematurely at 29 weeks and i'm sure many other preemie mums will agree it's very hard to express and feed as that's the only option until they're

bigger oh however i think after a few weeks you really establish your supply and you find it much easier as your stash is bigger i would really recommend a wearable breast pump so you're not stuck when you need to feed. As I found my boobs would become solid a lot more than if I had breastfed. Oh, interesting. Wishing you both luck with the babies and thank you for the weekly laugh, Stephanie. That's really interesting, isn't it? It's like a wireless one. Have you seen those?

Yeah. They're going in America that I watch and she just i thought bloody hell her tits are doing great then realized she was wearing these big pumps yeah we're not but they're not big are they they're just like a little a little cup and then they're small people i've known have literally been walking around with them in at work wow in their bra people take them on a night out women take them on a night out although is that is i feel like i've heard pump and dump is that a thing where you're out because you've drunk alcohol yeah you're not allowed to use that milk i did that in my friend i don't know why i'm rubbing my breast it feels like such a waste as

well because you get all this milk and then you just have to pour it away oh sad but i didn't know that if you're i mean i guess that makes sense but if your baby's premature well maybe this was just stephanie but her boobs her boobs became solid a lot more than if she was breastfeeding because she was pumping so she was saying it was easier once she'd built up a stash because the boobs were getting hard yeah oh crumbs those those um i find it so interesting i know i still keep watching it i'm still in two minds as to whether or not i want a boob or bottle. I just keep looking at my, I shave my nipples every day and I just think,

do I really want to put my baby on my big hairy burger nipple? It's so aggressive at the moment. If she wants to talk about my fanny batter, I'll say, listen, love, you need to talk about my nips because they're fucking aggressive. They're angry. And now they face the ground now do they yeah all eyes down here's your numbers if they're already you might as well feed because they're gonna get saggier they do mine's like let down balloons when i finish breastfeeding it kind of went back okay after the other two though and i didn't booby them

that's what i mean. If you breastfeed, they'll go probably more saggy. I think that's just because they're so massive and my nipples are so large. They're basically... It's forcing them down. It's forcing them down.

Mine were more saggy after breastfeeding for sure because it's like a balloon. They'd been like inflated and deflated so many times. Yeah, because I... They were like a let down balloon. I just go big now

and then go straight back because I just ride out the old cabbage leaves in there. I'm sure your baby won't mind about your burger nibs. Do you want to suck it? No. And the answer is no. Therefore, would the baby like to suck it? No, probably not.

Not quite the same. My aggressive, imagine this big aggressive. Do you know what? And somebody said to me the other day, isn't it funny? Like you keep saying about your boobs and like the baby going to your boob and then i mentioned about how my belly looked like a big boob and a lady said actually makes me relate to the baby and how they feel like imagine somebody's coming into my big belly like a one ginormous boob what and sucking on your belly button that's like oh no that sent you over the edge didn't it you don't like belly buttons she's gone fuck it's gone oh god my belly button is so rancid

i can't even handle it oh god it's too much it's too much i can't wait to go back in mine never did mine never went back to normal after pregnancy it was like a permanent outie someone did tell me to put a plaster on it to keep it in to keep it away it's just things rubbing it yeah i can't have through my through colby and dotsy's i used to wear really really tight things this one i can't wear tight things this sensory overload makes me want to and the look of it under a tight top is wild wild wild wild sorry i got i don't get carried away but i appreciate you that's a lovely um and i hope she's doing well i hope she's thriving because she's early to the world and i hope she's smashing it so you can get in touch with us on anything at all yeah it can be serious or silly and you can be totally anonymous. Because between us, we've probably heard it all before.

And remember, we're all in this together and we know that we are. We're all stars and we see that. So each week we'll be sharing my secrets. Yeah. And yours. Not Emma's, yours. Yours. In the Secret Mum Club.

So here is my secret this week again like i said life's boring for me at the moment not much is going on but something i will say is i spent last week basically getting a name for myself i'm not gonna lie i've never been around so many football clubs in my whole entire life and i felt a bit dirty at the end of it i was just like i cannot do this anymore i can't put myself through this anymore and you never guess bloody what what colby got picked for a team yeah he's been signed he's been signed in the transfer window he's that's it it's come we're coming up the end of the season he's signed no one else can take him he's got a fabulous offer he's signed for an undisclosed fee on loan till the end of the season he signed no one else can take him he's got a fabulous offer he signed for an undisclosed fee on loan till the end of the season he finally got a little team and it was

one that he had been offered and we we got basically they offered him a place and we because he had been offered to go and try for some other teams we we went around to all of them and we tried and we put them all together and he picked the one where he picked the first one that offered him the first one to offer him a place he picked them and went back to them so yes how many did you have to go around there was a lot i'm not gonna lie um and my view still stands that football, under-8s football, is fucking crazy. Is it? You need to check yourselves before you freaking wreck yourselves. Because that shit, that shit is not for the faint-hearted.

People take it really seriously. Grown-ass men being way too over-authoritative. Like, back the fuck up like this is they're they're seven years old you are not only being one aggressive chill out they're seven they're not here getting their fucking mortgages and trying to save or trying to stay out of prison they're seven um just too authoritative too aggressive too bossy too like macho like you know when somebody goes past you with a really big exhaust and you're like yeah we all think that's overcompensating yeah and i i don't want to be mad about it i am in my i'm in my boring life era also Also aggressive era. I'm very aggressive. I go from zero to 100 very, very fast at the moment.

It's the hormones, okay? I'm not in this era much in my life. Only when I'm pregnant. So absorb it. Big kahunas. That's what they have. I just don't understand where they get off. It was just too much.

So we went round a few. We done a few. Tried a few out. And we settled for one that couldn't be any more perfect and probably picked him picked the not picked him but picked the team and picked it all on his own and it was all his choice and i'm so fucking proud of him because he went from team to team he got thrown into um like a friendly game with a team of how many was on each side? Like 14 boys, 14 boys he'd never met before in front of men, coaches that he'd never met before, playing in front of parents that he'd never, ever seen before.

And he threw himself in, not even any questions, didn't get upset, didn't question, didn't say no, didn't want to come off, just fully threw himself in. And then he went to training sessions and did exactly the same and i just couldn't be any more prouder of him he really really soaked it all up so yeah that is my um that's my news for this week he got himself a team and i'm just fucking so gas and he's doing something he likes as well he loves football and he doesn't have to go swimming anymore so it must be buzzing he's absolutely on top of the world. We have made an executive decision though, because the whole situation of the football was way more intense than it really needed to be.

But I probably added to that though, didn't I? I probably made it more intense. But anyway, I'm not the problem. You are. I don't get that. But we've decided that once Baby's here, then we're going to focus on getting Dottie into her dance. Because at the moment,

where we've now got Colby finally into his little team, we're now going to work on getting him settled, get him into a good routine, get the baby in, and then work between Colby's football and the baby, get us all settled, and then we're going to move into finding Dottie a little dance. What does she want to do?

She wants to ballet yeah go on i love her dearly but i'm going to say it's not going to be the direction she wants to go in okay the girl twerks more than jlo beyonce okay so it's not going to be a career but maybe a hobby for some time i think she's going to find it a little bit more restrictive on the bodily movements so i think we will be looking down the avenue of maybe like a street dance something a little bit more freestyle yeah a little bit more yeah hippity hop hip hop anonymous everybody hop everybody up anonymous um but yeah so we're going to focus on that then when she's nice when we're settled down a bit and we've

spoken to her about it and she's actually she'd rather she's a funny one one day she wants to do it and then the next day she's like I just want to go to Colby's football but not to play

just to watch just to watch yeah no she doesn't want to watch oh no she doesn't want to play in the park next to him but yeah

that was that's my secret oh congratulations thank you I feel very very I was going to say a proud mum a proud mum I am a proud mom proud mom i have a

problem i have a problem yeah but yeah there we go that's pretty boring isn't it again big news for us all colbs related as well i'm glad he's getting a look in because to be a quite frank dotty's really been taken over she has i'm not gonna lie she's still slimy but that's our daily that's our daily life i'm not gonna lie colby's a little bit of the backseater isn't he yeah well he's just chilling he's just chilling yeah just chilling loving his life i'm glad he's had some good news i'm glad he's had some good news yeah good for you good for you colbus so next we'll be hearing some of yours on the secret mom club Club. We're back from having a poo. Pee for yourself. I didn't have a poo. No, we didn't. All right, let's jump into our three secrets this week. Emma, hit us with number one. All

right, it says, hi hi safina and emma i absolutely love your podcast we absolutely love you thank you my two-year-old little boy is upset with hey dougie like joseph and it's one of those shows that will keep him quiet one afternoon i was shopping and he was refusing to get in the trolley screaming and just being a pain so i gave in and said do you want to watch hey dougie this calmed him right down, but he's very particular about which episodes he wants. His favorite one being the stick one. Stick, stick, stick, stick, sticky, sticky, stick, stick. We're getting into this now.

It's annoying. Like when I go on the page on iPlayer. It's the best. Joseph's like. Stick. That one. That one. Yeah, that one, that one.

I put it on. He goes, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay. Back to the main page. That one, that one, that one, that one. I put it on, he goes, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, back to the main page. That one, that one, that one, that one. Okay, that one. No, no, no, no, no, no. Honestly, it takes us half an hour to choose an episode.

They're only seven minutes long themselves. She says, I hadn't put the stick one on. So he starts shouting at the top of his little voice. Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick. The other customers. Sticky, sticky, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick. The other customers... Sticky, sticky, dick, dick. The other customers who were mainly elderly looked horrified as my toddler was seemingly calling everyone a dick in Tesco.

I was also mortified and left red-faced. Keep up the amazing work from Laura. Laura, we've all been there. I know how you feel. Every time we go to the park now, Joseph wants to pick up a big dick. And he walks around saying, I've got a big dick it's a stick the only time

you should ever be concerned is when they're just lying in bed waiting for you your other halves and they're like dick dick dick dick dicky dicky dick dick

all jokes aside that is a banger that is a straight up banger it's such a good song. That should be released. Yeah, honestly, the Hey Dougie album is lit. We have it on in the car all the time. Absolutely fire.

Fire. Fire. Well, thank you so much, Laura. You should never be embarrassed. Don't be embarrassed. I would have just sung along. Yeah, don't be embarrassed. We're all in this together.

We're all in this. It's happening to me too. We're all loving the dick. Yeah, thanks Hey Dougie for that. Let's go into number two. All right, this says, Hi ladies, after three and a half years of struggling to conceive and then finding out myself and my partner had a 1% chance of conceiving naturally,

we went through private IVF and I'm now currently 13 weeks pregnant. Yes. Congratulations. We are absolutely over the moon to be pregnant, i'm struggling to feel like i should when do you feel like you're actually having a baby i have no bump as of yet i just feel pretty fat and meh i still don't believe that i'm pregnant and i'm finding it hard to believe that it's actually my scans i'm seeing on the screen any advice or help would be much appreciated many thanks thanks. Charlotte from Bristol. Charlotte.

It does take a while. It does take a while. And that beginning. Your first one is really hard. Yeah. Yeah. And that beginning period is so weird. I remember feeling exactly the same way.

Because you don't feel anything. You don't feel anything. You don't feel nothing. And if you don't have like any sickness or symptoms. Or kicking or. And also you probably. well you're maybe just starting to tell people but that first 12 weeks is like agonizing because you know you're pregnant you've maybe had an early private scam but nobody knows but nobody knows you can't tell anyone nope all

you've seen is a positive pregnancy test and you've seen your little bubba bean on the telly but you can't feel it to be, until I felt like kicking and movements, I was constantly just a bit worried and apprehensive. Really anxious. Yeah. Really anxious. And as well, I don't think, as well, with the, so the more pregnancies that I've found gone on,

the earlier I felt baby, but also placenta placement played a massive impact. But no one really talks about again something that i spoke about right at the very start is how much you your body changes so some people change so quickly and some people it doesn't change at all and i really struggled at the start of this one with how much my body changed so quick yeah and i hated myself i looked in the mirror and i used to like, oh, gosh. But I would say, one, what you're feeling is completely, completely normal. And I would probably give it 20, 25 weeks.

Yeah. Is probably when you, with your first, when you really feel pregnant is. They do say, I mean, like you say, depending on placenta placement and everything. But they do say from like, is it from 16 weeks? can that's very early you can't feel the baby or eight maybe it's 80 i think 20 is more common yes so when you're about halfway through the most reassuring thing that i found that i could do before any of that was just scans just having you know if you're lucky enough to have private scans i mean if you're having ivf you're probably getting offered more scans yeah i was gonna say i don't know the procedure how it

works with ivf you get more than you normally do because obviously on with the nhs it's just your 12 and your 20 week normally i know you've had quite a lot of private scans i had a couple and that was the most reassuring thing that i found that i could do just to see the baby moving around inside i agree yeah if you are in a position that you can have private scans yeah obviously they are expensive so i know not everybody can have them but to be in a position if you can do them to just to just stay sane keep yourself sane is just go and have a little scan yeah have a check but yeah i i wouldn't put too much pressure on yourself in the sense of yes your body is changing there is no words in the world that

anyone can say to you to make you feel better we've spoke about this today didn't we like i am so swollen i'm the biggest i've been with all three of the children like this time around like i am so much bigger and i've really struggled with looking at myself in the mirror this time around um but you do have to go gentle on yourself because you are a vessel with very important cargo on board yeah um and it's not for forever no it isn't for forever and it will start this is probably really annoying thing to say but it will start going quick now i felt like that middle bit for me really quickly and then your bump will start showing and you'll feel more pregnant you'll start telling people everyone's bodies differences are different as well aren't they yeah that's true i had a bump from about six weeks we both bumped out pretty quickly i did with this one yeah and i bumped out pretty quick with this one yeah but with colby i

didn't didn't really have a bump until i was about 28 30 weeks wow really yeah it was really really diddy yeah some of my friends have barely shown i actually met a woman at soft play the other day who started talking to me about my pregnancy she was like oh congratulations when are you due she was like i'm actually expecting and i was thinking like oh wow you can't tell she was 18 weeks wow and she was like i only found out last week oh gosh yeah so nearly halfway and she hadn't known she was pregnant at all like no no bump all of our bodies are so different i know which is so wild yeah but yes as cliche as it is and you don't i don't hate to be that person is how you're feeling is completely valid yeah completely valid don't invalidate your feelings it's completely normal yeah and you do the first

bit is really hard because your body also you've got fuck loads of emotions and hormones running through your body yeah that you don't know if you're having a shit or a haircut so just take every minute of every day as it comes make sure you're doing things to keep yourself relaxed have some new time have some baths and and try and take your mind off it i know that's really hard but try not to think about it all the time but hopefully you start enjoying it soon but it's completely normal congratulations congratulations we're excited keep us updated on how it goes yeah that's amazing news um and now we're going to roll into number three all right this says hello friends love to tune into the pod every week you guys truly make my day thank you

i have a pool changing room secret after a lap swim session i went back to the changing rooms and on my way there i followed a mom with a toddler girl and a baby on her hip and what i presumed was grandma i went in my room grandma in hers and mom with the children in hers as you could imagine poor mom had her hands full and the young girl was yapping away saying mom when can we come back mom where's grandma mom why do you have such a hairy bum? That's my girl. She replied, I don't have a hairy bum.

But the little girl came back with, when do I get a hairy bum? Nanny, nanny, do you have a hairy bum too? Trying not to laugh, I hear the mum shushing her. The little girl must have crawled under the door to her grandmother's changing room oh no because she then blurted out nanny you have a white hairy bum needless to say it made my day kate oh oh hairy bums oh crumbs oh crumbs for the hairy bums the fact that she's a nanny poor nanny poor nanny's got white hairy bum wait when do your pubes go gray i think the i think the um when your hair goes gray yeah i think they match.

But I've got grey hairs sprouting at the moment and I haven't got grey pubes. Well, you don't have a full head of grey hair though, do you? No. Maybe that's... So when someone gets a full head of grey hair, that's when you know they've gone grey down below as well. Grey pubes? Yeah. I've got ginger pubes.

If people have red hair, do they have ginger pubes? Yeah. Do they 100 yeah of course because i've got red in me and i've got ginger pubes fully ginger pubes that was yeah they're like orange i feel like i need a visual on this let's catch up after the only when they get like it really really long but then yet my twin brother who's really dark dark dark hair he grows a full ginger beard. I thought you were going to talk to me about your brother's pubes then and I was getting worried.

I don't know about his pubes. No, I don't think you should know. No. No, but ginger beards are quite common on people that don't even have ginger hair. My brother has got very ginger skin, like he's got freckles. Pale. Yeah. No, I wouldn't say he's too pale, but he's just covered in freckles.

Is he? Oh, he's really beautiful. I love all his freckles. Not like you at all. No, no. Not like me at all. He's got real, yeah, real wouldn't say he's too pale, but he's just covered in freckles. Is he? Oh, he's really beautiful. I love all his freckles. Not like you at all? No, no, not like me at all. He's got real, yeah, real freckly skin all over, all over his face, chest, his back. And yeah, he grows a full ginger beard. Wow.

Yeah. And when mine get really long, which is obviously all the time, yeah, they're ginger on the ends. Good to know. I know. Sharon's caring. Now you know I've got ginger pubes we're all in this together we're all in this together oh gosh i love that though that's an incredible story i was i used to get a little bit mortified at the swimming pool when you used to see

big hairy bums yeah when the ladies just had no inhibitions oh yeah wow that you've been with my mum like you find a lot of those women in public changing rooms don't you they just don't give it they don't give it full power to them i love that yeah i could not get my bush out though when i was little i remember thinking like oh my god people are just walking around with their full-on like bush and nips out yeah wow these are women wow i didn't see my mum's hairy bum. So thank you for sharing your secrets this week.

Everyone is welcome in the Secret Mum Club. If you want to share your secrets with us you can. The email is hello at

secretmumpod.com or with secretmumpod on TikTok and Instagram. Have you ever been outed for having a white hairy bum or have

you had a run-in with fanny butter do let us know there is nothing too outrageous and keep an eye out for our thursday episode and we'll see you next time on the secret mum club