Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Ham Chant

Episode Date: January 15, 2024

It’s been quite the week for the ladies, with Emma entertaining a toddler during a check-up and Sophiena facing her fears. But with your letters about poo on the floor, an incident at the opticians, and an exposing chant, it seems they weren’t the only ones! As always today’s episode has a healthy sprinkling of sing-a-longs! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Can Indigenous ways of knowing help kids cope with online bullying? At the University of British Columbia, we believe that they can. Dr. Johanna Sam and her team are researching how both Indigenous and non-Indigenous youth cope with cyber-aggression, working to bridge the diversity gap in child psychology research. At UBC, our researchers are answering today's most pressing questions. To learn how we're moving the world forward, visit ubc.ca forward happens here. Hello, this is The Secret Mum Club. I'm Safina.

And I'm Emma. And this podcast is a safe space for mums everywhere. A safe space to share our secrets. Because we all have secrets, don't we? We do, and as we know, sharing is caring. You don't have to tell us who you are. You can keep that to yourself, you can be anonymous. Though secrets can be serious or silly.

All secrets are welcome in the Secret Mum Club. How's your week been how did me first what do you first if you i'll show you mine if you show me yours gotta let me in hey hey hey let the fun begin yeah name the band I'm a wolf today. Who is? Obviously. Cest Levy. The song? Oh, was it? Cest Levy. A half above, a half above, I blow you away. Say you want, say you're doing what I do. That was such a good year for music.

I'm going to say 1998. Nothing has ever come close to that. No. No. And if you're of an age where you don't know what the fuck we're singing. Please stop listening to us. Turn this off. It's not for you.

Please don't tell us because we will feel insanely old. But the ones bobbing along, they'll be like, yes, that was a banger. That was a club. Can you imagine everyone in the club just banging away to Rollercoaster. Don't want to wait. Oh, no. Get it on.

We're riding in a rollercoaster. The dance moves. I can't believe you remembered it. Or the one where he says, Hey boy, sitting in the tree. What you come to? Make a room for me. She wanted to be up there,

sucking his dick. You're sick. Right. We need to elaborate on this. Emma has got sore lips, lips jaw lock and she won't see her dentist because emma's actually said that your dentist can tell when you last had oral sex and she said because of the bruise in the back of her throat safina is putting two and two together and getting five i have i've got five and five together i'm prone i'm prone to the uh she's cold sore virus herpes

have one at the moment herpes yeah her i nearly said hemorrhoids can you imagine just got herpes if we want to make it sound like an sti uh what else had happened oh i had a bit of jaw lock you know when you open your mouth too much and then it kind of gets stuck and then i was talking about a viral article that i'd seen about dentists being able to tell when you'd last had oral sex. She missed the appointment. And so those three things today have meant that Safina can't stop talking about no jobs. I'm a sucking dick. And then I said, well, how do you think I got pregnant?

And then I said, not from sucking dick. What? That's not how it works. I know how it works. Do you know what I actually thought? I know how it works. I'm on my second pregnancy. You're on your third. You should know. Do I? I what i actually thought i know how it works on my second pregnancy you're on your third you should know do i i don't think i even know i thought that if you swallowed it also it would happen oh no that was like a myth from school wasn't it yeah yeah yeah i used to be worried that if i swallowed it you'd grow a baby in your stomach yeah like if you swallow a um apple seed you'll grow an apple tree Yeah Swallow Spug

Spirit You'll grow a baby In your tummy Yeah Yeah Or if you What was the other thing If you do a handstand

I thought you said a handjob Afterwards No if you do a handstand After you have sex What was that miss Was that Your baby would come out In the circus

Upside down I did do a handstand With Colby I think that actually Is something in that Because it keeps it The sperm inside Swimming Yeah And the less air Because it can't touch come out in the circus upside down i did do hands down with colby i think that actually is something in that because it keeps it at the sperm inside yeah and they're less air because it can't touch the air the moment the sperm touches likely to escape it kills it doesn't it anyway here we go again with our biology lessons um speaking of pregnancies i actually had a bit of a dramatic

week did you why what happened well i went into hospital what i know because i see joseph on the bed as well oh my god he was i thought it was your midwife appointment he was so cute but also a bit of a pain in the ass oh god love him he had to come with me because stefan was working away in manchester manchester so he was quite far away and i was like do you know what normally i'm like you you've captured a lot of movement from your baby. And my baby normally moves a lot. And then I had like 24 hours where I just didn't feel it move as much, which never happened to me in the first pregnancy.

I know people that did happen to. And they like you to go in, just monitor the baby's heart rate, stuff like that. But obviously, I live in London, which is a massive fucking ball lake. So getting to hospital is like so far what is the hospital you have to go to st thomas's yeah which for some reason is like it's a hospital i mean it's my own stupid fault for choosing it but it's a hospital that's available to me even though it's nowhere near my house it's in central london like it's not catchment yeah i don't know

why we're allowed to go there but um just thought it'd be cool for the view um when i had joseph because it's opposite the house of the parliament did you spend much time in there worth it for the for a cool picture um and then i was like we'll just do the same thing again and now every time i have to go there i'm like why the fuck did i choose this hospital anyway so we had to go in and i had to take joseph with me oh god bless him because obviously i called the midwife and i was like look do i need to come in for this i'm not feeling as much movement as usual and she was like well it's not an immediate concern but she said like try having an ice cold drink and do some stretches and i've tried some things didn't really have any movement but i was like am i allowed to bring my toddler with me because my partner's not here

and my husband i should say is not here and she went well you're gonna leave my home on his own i was like there are there are weird rules sometimes about things like that like i remember when we registered his birth they were like don't bring the baby with you though to the uh to the council offices and i was like well what's my supposed to do with him you're registering the birth of the baby and they asked you not to bring you have to go on your own so there's some insane rules like that which i thought they might be like yeah surely i would be more inclined to take the baby the i know they don't want you to because i think they just want you like in and out don't want babies everywhere but then what if there's no baby well what does no partner to take the baby i think maybe if you are a single parent but you know i mean there's all you could just walk in and pretend there's all kinds of bollocks

rules like that that i thought they might be like if i turned up at a hospital with him yeah they'd be like you can't bring your your existing child in here sorry um but yeah he had to come with me and so they had a nightmare because they first of all it was a relief they listened with the doppelhofer heard the heartbeat and everything i was like great but were like, we want to monitor you for longer with like the band. You know, where they have those straps across you. So you have to sit on that for between 10 and 60 minutes. Wow. I ended up being there for hours because I kept messing up the reading.

Because I was trying to look after Joseph at the same time as well. It made me realize like how easy it is when you are pregnant for the first time and you don't already have a child to look after because i remember going to do that the first time obviously i could just sit there in peace and look at my phone and lay nice and still and it wasn't a problem this time christ i downloaded lots of hey dougie onto my phone i took loads of snacks i went prepared it was all fine but to be fair he's two years old and we've been in hospital for about three hours like he was it's hard because i'm now and the completely other end of the spectrum in the sense that i now

i'm so busy with the other two that i don't actually stop to think yeah about little man yeah i'm like i haven't felt moving that's what they said to me as well they were like it's possible though that is moving and that you're just not so busy you're so busy that you're not concentrating on it but i was like yeah but no even even more so than usual like i do normally notice it a bit more i think it was because i had like a mad active day the day before i was maybe i'm running those errands and stuff i keep saying that okay he's he's moving all the time yeah and i think that running those errands and stuff i keep saying that okay he's he's moving all the time yeah and i think that was me in paris because i've had now three days home

and he is so much more quieter than what he was when i was away and don't you feel like when you're really active they move less or or you know you know like he moved more because i was constantly on the go and he was like fucking stop moving woman all right now he's tired out so now he's fucking knackered he's like fuck this i'm not moving that's what i thought i did loads of steps the day before and i thought you know what maybe now he's just shattered yeah a little rest tied himself out yeah i'm gonna just like plopping all around i know i'm gonna say he because it's easier and i was doing 20 000 steps a day yeah that's the thing isn't it yeah i don't know whether i don't know anyway it's all fine and all back to normal now but they joseph in hospital it's like

he was opening the curtains to the women laying in the beds next door i was like no sorry sorry about him or he just wonder out and i could hear midwives going who does this little person belong to uh and i'm like strapped up so i can't move i'm going sorry that's me i'm in booth three yeah sorry that's that's my son bring him back in uh bless him so yeah what a sweetheart he did well but um but yeah so that baby's all okay that was a bit dramatic all okay got a little bonus scam while i was in there because they just wanted to scan do you think i said boner did you think i said boner you've got boners on the brain what's wrong with you got a little boner i'm just gonna say why are you getting a fucking boner for jesus christ weird weird terminology to use for getting a bit

excited a bonus scan did you oh they wanted to see what position the baby was in so that's always nice isn't it so is baby head down yet? Head up, head down. Baby was currently breech. Oh. But she was like, don't worry, that doesn't mean anything at this stage in pregnancy. And I was like, I don't care anyway because I'm having a cesarean. She's got her day booked.

She's having her nails done. Yeah, so I was like, don't worry about it. She's having her ring waxed. Baby can do what he wants. She. You can't, we can't. I know. Because people are gonna go that's it

but it's just easier than saying it I don't like saying it what we should just call baby baby okay well baby can do

what they want but then it sounds like you're having twins call it Steve Steve Jones no that's weird Tom Jones you're related

imagine yeah he's Welsh too isn't he oh oh he's jones welsh all welsh people and joneses are actually related that's not true no obviously i'm not related to tom jones i'd love to meet tom jones there's a couple of tiktokers that actually met them wasn't there and will i am really yeah from the voice yeah um so that was my week oh nice yeah a little bit dramatic but all fine in the end yeah bless your heart tell me about your week i've had a crazy bloody jet setter i just we got back from paris didn't we yeah so we got back from paris to a um hello hello past self

not only did i come home to the feeling of just being home i think in itself was just stunning yeah there's no place like home but i cleaned oh they fucking cleaned before i left and i cried and i was like fucking yes safina i've never been so proud of myself my whole entire life sat down had a cup of tea opened a letter to say that dotty she's in trouble she's had too much absence at school yeah she's had too much absence at school has she yeah she's had a lot of absence through what holidays or sickness sickness and obviously now we've taken our little we took our mini break and we took was that time off school then well when we broke up didn't we for school the babies were ill the week before we broke up yeah and I

just said to Chris I'm not going to risk putting the babies back into school to then make other children poorly christmas yeah so i just kept them i kept them both home and yeah and then we obviously took our little extended mini bless you mini break i just not on myself then i don't know is that that was in school time then as well yeah we come back yeah they missed how many days did they because you end up staying there longer though yeah that wasn't the plan was it no the plan was to come back we were planning to come back the day before they went to school and then you end up coming back what two days later yeah we took two days out what do you get for that do you get a fine no it just says that any more and then we will be fined. How much is the fine? I think it's £60 per parent. Per parent?

Yeah, so it's £120 per child. Why per parent? I don't know. It should be per household. It's per parent. So Chris has to pay £60, I have to pay £60. I was going to say £60, I'd pay £120. We haven't got a letter from, we haven't had a letter from Colby's though.

But they have actually had their first day back at school today. Yeah. And it's, Colby cried. Didby cried did he yeah you want to go back in no no he's very emotional it's a hard it's been that he's a sensitive little soul as colbs it's really hard when they've had so long off as well yeah we've had like a month together yeah fully solidly a whole month together and he's on a come down from paris i mean what a way to end your christmas holiday he's already asked if we can go to madrid we're basically now just living colby's life doing a tour of football stadiums it's exactly what we're doing yep so we've done psg yep now he wants to go to madrid for the real madrid you've got to do barcelona as well he wants to do barcelona yep barca as he says i'm not oh yeah um but yeah we we had some we had some funny experiences in um paris we went on one

of these ginormous wheelie things like a london eye like a london eye yeah i saw that because are you scared of heights um yes i will it took me a while to think that yes i was okay on the london eye yes i shit myself but i felt very safe on the london eye so i thought what's i and i said to the children right they said can you come on this mummy and i said i don't know i don't know if pregnant ladies are allowed on this to which they went yeah of course they are there's a lady on there she's pregnant so you're allowed so then chris was like oh i'll ask and i was like oh great yeah you ask and I was like yeah yeah you can jump on if you're I feel like that's very French because here normally if you're pregnant you can't do anything no so we um I said to the baby's oh I said you know what I think it's too

much for mommy I am a little bit scared and Colby bless his heart was like please please can you just go on the wheel so I said you know what let's go on the wheel and I said to him right I'm coming on this wheel and this is proof that I've told you i'm scared and i don't like these things but i wanted to prove a point to the children yeah that sometimes the unknown can seem scary but you may be scared and you may realize that you are scared or it may teach you that you had nothing to be scared of yeah so i was kind of in the mindset of like i need to show them that it's okay to be scared yeah it's okay to be worried about things you can do it you can give it a try and if you don't like it you just don't do it again so it was kind of in the mindset of that and yeah we went around once and then the

realization when we went so fast past the fucking exit that we were going around twice and on the second time around we had to stop for every fucking carriage to get out. Oh, so annoying. And then there's the ones with the... Why are we taking prams on there? No! Why have you not just pushed your pram to the other side? We now can't get the prams off.

There was holes. It was just a floating carriage on a wire. It was windy as fuck in Paris. And freezing. Why they were running the ride, I don't know. It was dangerous as fuck in Paris. And freezing. Why they were running the ride, I don't know. It was dangerous. It wouldn't happen in the UK

because we'd be, where there's a blame, there's a claim. Where there's a claim, there's a blame. I don't fucking know what it was. But I'd be suing it if it was in the UK.

There was wind blowing in. I inevitably, yeah, shit myself. Yeah. Yep. I pissed, fully pissed my pants up there.

Fully wet myself. And I said to Chris, I've now got to walk around with pissy leggings all day because i pissed myself um and yeah in in turn did scare colby to which then once i got over what well once i closed my eyes and i was like well if you don't like it cobs just close your eyes and once your eyes are open it'll be over he then fell in love with it so now because of this they now want to go on an aeroplane. So now he's like,

yeah, let's go to Madrid on an aeroplane. So your point that you wanted to prove about doing things that you're scared of has really backfired. Yeah, because now Colby's like, well, I'm scared of flying, mum. So maybe I just need to give flying a try to see if I like it or I don't.

I'll see you later. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's great. So what I did is as soon as I got home, I rung my sister and said, Colby would like to go to madrid my sister was like i actually really want to go to madrid perfect i'm going to take you and your husband and your four children to madrid with us just so you can help me on the flight yeah because i'm going to have a baby as well so yeah you're going to do it i've got the plane. I can't not though. Can I? I can't be. I can't be that mum.

Like I have to. I have to. Before the baby comes. No. No. I think I was thinking like the six weeks holiday. Like I don't want to take him out and have any more attendance out. Getting any more shit.

So I thought maybe the six weeks holiday. Book a villa over in Madrid. He can do the tour of the football stadium. You can get there without going on the plane as well. I know. But then I feel like I'm just going to scoot around this for the rest of my life. It will be worth doing. Just don't look at the news this week

because a door did blow out of an aeroplane the other day. Okay. Everyone on board was fine. And that is the end of the 2024 season. 2024 has come to an end. See you in 2025. Right, let's just jump on the eurostar then and see if yeah we can i hope it's not flooded again we can get to madrid and um barca from paris

yeah just drive we'll get the train i don't think i want to drive i just have to train train train hop yeah so yeah that's that's basically where we're at this week we haven't done anything other than just keep talking about our trip looking at pictures reminiscing and also looking at the next trip but it's nice because it's made the baby so excited yeah see the world they want like the next adventure it's hard like once you it's like it's like when you have chocolate in the house right when it's not there you don't miss it when you don't go on holiday you're like yeah i'm fine when once you go on one holiday get the bug god it's like having a baby yeah you have one baby then you give birth and then the three week period of a brand new baby goes and

you're like exactly should we just have another one the floodgates open to flood do you do that thing as well where when you're abroad you're like how could i live here how could i make this work yeah like when i went to france last summer i moved to paris yeah i was like um i was just live in france now there was like there was a derelict building opposite our hotel buy it do they do auctions here how can we buy this whole building we can make a hotel yeah we can make a we can make a hotel buy it renovate it we're moving to paris see you see on the flip side motherfuckers i'm off to au revoir but yeah pretty quiet week for us just washing reminiscing and getting back into life yeah i like that though don't you yeah getting back to normal i like the routine yeah me too the routine

of life emma and i really want to hear from you we do we want you to join us in the secret mom club you're all welcome you can share your secrets with us respond to what we've been talking about or just say hello you can find us on tiktok and instagram just search secret mum pod or you can email us hello at secret mum pod dot com dot com i think i could say that now without having to read it i think that every time and then you try and do i always need we always need the assistance thank you thank you but it's time for our Correspondence Corner. That was the worst one

we've ever done. This one says, Hi ladies, I had to write in after hearing about the mum who sprayed breast milk everywhere after a massage. Oh fuck, do you remember that?

Yeah, I remember that one. Love that. My husband and I were mid itchy legs for the first time since having our daughter when out of nowhere my boobs erupted.

Wowza. I didn't realise how easily they would spray please tell me she was pregnant yeah oh no maybe she was breastfeeding wow no yeah she was they had a baby she was breastfeeding there was breast milk everywhere needless to say i wore a bra with breast pads on for future occasions louise louise had no shame there she was just like i hope you did like a katie perry get some those bras, you know, the cupcakes. Yeah, spray it everywhere.

I wonder if your husband tried it. Did he enjoy it? That could be a little bit. Could be a kink. Could be kinky for somebody. I also just love the visual of like, every time we had sex after, she's like, hang on. Let me get my, let me just go get my's like hang on let me get my let me just go get my breast let me get my sexy nursing bra on and my breast pads and i'll be back stay erect

stay alert stay erect i'll be back with me i am ready to party they're like the least the least sexy things as well i'm so sorry louise i'm sorry louise's husband but you gotta do what you gotta do you gotta do what you gotta do a girl's got needs yeah and don't waste that milk i am i don't think mine would do that well it's bray everywhere you know what it's actually coming up on my social media at the moment there's people collecting their colostrum oh it's so weird you should say that just last night i had the first colostrum out of my boobs i texted stephan who wasn't there i was like guess what big news just leaked out i squeezed it out how did you know it was there i just thought every now and then i have

a shower and i think oh let's give it a try because normally it's around so right you're like you don't have to squeeze it that hard. That was a double hand motion. Fucking hell. You could just squeeze it with one hand, like you're milking a cow. I don't milk a cow on the regular. You know. Funny, I've never milked a cow in my life.

You know when you're milking a cow. Yeah, it's normally around 34 weeks you can start to collect it, which I'm not. So, what are people collecting in them tiny little syringes? Yeah, and then you... So, you put the tiny little syringe on my massive burger nipple? No.

No. Although the first time I was pregnant, that is how I tried to collect it. And obviously I was like, this is impossible. It's not going in. No. What you have to do is collect it in like a small cup and then you draw it up with the syringe

and then you freeze the syringes. You take them into hospital with you. And then that can be the first thing that you give the baby because it's really good for them. You just shut it into their mouth. I don't think anything will come out of mine could you just try it express try it now okay do you think it would um do you think you could just pump them now no because then you're stimulating to give birth and i don't think enough would come out honestly until the baby's like ready to come it's the whole point of this

stuff isn't it's not like milk it's yellow they call it something gold uh liquid gold liquid gold because it's really yellowy god it reminded me of that bloody gold member what was it austin powers when he just eats the skin he's like but yeah give it a go squeeze your nips and see what comes out squeeze your tits and colostrum about yeah so you're getting yours out now i haven't where are you getting your syringes from who's your dealer tell me i need to know nhs i've got a contact so i'll hook you up after the after you have to get special syringes yeah why am i rubbing my nipples you can order them on the internet i don't know how i feel about it i don't know i'm still not i'm still in the...

I know. You're not sure what you're going to do. But I do think if you are planning... But then I did think that... I was looking at the price of Aptmel the other day. Gosh, that's bloody expensive, isn't it? Fucking so expensive. So I thought, even if I don't put my ugly tit in its face...

Yeah. I will just express my milk. Yeah. Will I still lose weight? Emma told me to do it because i lose loads of weight yeah obviously the best reason is because you get skinny but is that only because the baby's sucking out though no i think if you just the stimulation of the breast it's the same um idea isn't it like if you're expressing it out i think you'd still have the same effect obviously getting skinny isn't the

main reason no i'm joking my belly's rumbling. Did you hear it? Getting hungry at the thought of this breakfast. Yummy. Or eating gold skin. Yummy. Or blowjobs. But yeah, give it a go. Oh, okay, yeah. Okay. I'll let you know.

I'll text you tonight. Well, I can't text Chris about my colostrum, so you text Stefan, I'll text you. Yeah, send me a pic. Put Stefan into our group chat. I'll send him mine. We'll compare. We'll compare poo choppers and farts

oh record some farts for him and colostrum juice all right i've got another oh gosh another email here says hello sophie and emma emma's friend's story about the doctor delivering her baby saying wow that's a lot of hair made me how we were just talking about that weren't we yeah it also reminded me of one of the most embarrassing moments of my life i was being tested for polycystic ovaries and endometriosis gosh the doctor was rattling through a huge list of questions but he had quite a strong accent he asked me he asked me do you have a lot of air so i confidently answered yes i fart a lot he looked at me like an alien while the nurse stifled a laugh and said, no, do you have a lot of excess hair?

Oh yeah, that as well. I fart and I'm a hairy beast. Yeah, I fart a lot actually. Funny you should ask. Funny you should ask. A little bit off topic, but yeah, I do actually get down with the trumpets on the regular.'s actually none of your business but yes i'm very windy now you mention it very very regular on the old farting do you have a lot of excess hair why did they want to know that

i wanted the ground to swallow me up but i had to sit there for another 10 minutes answering more vagina related questions before he put me in the stirrups and saw just how much excess hair i have not my finest moment love from amber oh amber don't worry i've been there yeah i've all been there i look like the man of barefoot you know if i took my clothes off you know i don't like it because you'd be too big i'm as hairy as that man in the fucking world it comes out literally i look like cousin it when i get out the bath and it's all just smoothed out i'm dreading now going in to have the baby because I'm thinking if I can't. I don't know how I'm going to shave my foofo. I can't shave between now and March.

I'll shave yours if you shave mine. Don't know about that. I mean, we're close, but not that close. I'm partial to a ring. Partial to a nice ring. I don't even know what to do. I'm at a point where I just, I don't know. No, I can't.

I'm so scared of chopping my clitoris off. You have to get Chris to do it. No! God, he hasn't fucking seen it since... Don't know. We got engaged. Since Shottie was born. Oh, no.

So stuff's happened since then, sorry. We've fallen pregnant since then. Yeah. I said to Stefan jokingly the other day, you're going to have to start doing this for me. And he just went, yeah, all right. I get a hairy bum hole as well, so I need to shave jokingly the other day you're going to have to start doing this for me and he just went yeah alright I get a hairy bum hole as well so I need to shave my bum hole too well when we had the story in the other episode

about the Brazilian wax that did bring back memories for me because we were talking about I used to have to go on all fours when I was pregnant to wax my bum hole we were talking about waxes before and if you have a Brazilian or a Hollywood they get you in some undignified positions

all up around the back yeah and the amount of times do you know what was worse i actually did fart once it was my friend but she she told me to put my face in the bed you know the hole in the bed to pull both bum cheeks apart but the the angle because i'd gone down so far i'd taken in so much air that i just fanny farted and it was just like it couldn't stop and i come up and i was like and you just can't stop can you you're like and then it's the fact that you roll over and you and then she's like oh open back up

what are you meant to do in that situation i've gone in the downward dog there's no way that you've asked me to pull my bum cheeks apart like what do you expect foo-foo and everything was come on they must be used to convey about them like elf wasn't just the air was in and out just yeah they must be expected it but i just feel like the the the it's the angle yeah the farting of that the the the language barrier doesn't really help does it yeah the excess hair is a lot a lot of hair and a lot of air like you i do i fart and i'm a hairy mother trucker yeah yeah you and amber i shave my beard on the reg grab that beard of my twin brother to be fair i'm too scared to get a wax when i'm pregnant though in case it like brings on labor aren't you had i been a waxing gal i would have just carried it on i'm not no it's no way now i'm growing these

thick coarse hairs out i could braid it down there and have beads on it it's that thick and coarse oh my mom is my mom generally my mom's really concerned about her hair receding right and my sister said why don't you go and have like the hair transplant done and i said no because then she'll moan that she doesn't have enough hair at the back because it'll be too i'll put down my pubes i was like mum honestly have them because they are fucking coarse motherfuckers once they're in there that's that's you set for life don't like you know when a family member has to donate a kidney i said i'll go donate your pubes yeah and i've got some pubes at the back here like these long bits at the back i said you can have those yeah yeah food pubes back pubes take the look

take my beard get it all planted in there then she said no no i don't want that hair i want the hair from your head i'm not fucking taking follicles out of this to make you look like you've got a beautiful name tubes fine you're having my head hair jesus can i have me peace but jesus christ i love you but not that much all right right on to another one final email says hi soph and emma i've worked in nurseries for almost 13 years and i can relate with emma's eieio situation situation it really has become a situation tantrums over nursery rhymes aren't uncommon i have a funny poo story though we had a child who was toilet training and as I was leaving the toilet,

I heard them shout, Becky, look, I did a poo. I looked into the bathroom and there in the middle of the bathroom floor was a curled up turd. She said they're very proud of herself calling her friends in to see this massive poo. Go on girl.

Me and the rest of the team couldn't keep a straight face and her parents couldn't stop laughing when I did the handover that night. up the amazing podcast becky oh what an absolute that was it dot on the floor she's pooh shy she wouldn't do that does he is really pooh shy yeah colby isn't pooh shy though no would he call one out on the floor yeah yeah well he would have it at preschool age you would have come now no I think now he'd be a little bit too concerned. Yes.

We kept going, when we kept going away in Paris, we kept sharing a cubicle. And it was really hard because obviously being that I go in with Dottie, Chris goes in with Colby, I don't really like public toilets. And it's something about being pregnant. It's stressing me out a little bit more. The germs or? I don't know what it is.

I don't know. I don't know. It's just freaking me out i'd struggle anyway to use a public loo but if like chris was at the table i said to dotty oh i'm going mum's going to the toilet now and colby will come but he was like um i need to go in the boys and i was like you can't because i can't see you in the boys and you know i can't stand outside because i don't know who's in there and i do worry about him going into a men's toilet when yeah i don't know who's in there you know what do you do when you're not with chris i take him into the cubicle with me yeah we tend to go into the ladies all right i do go into a family toilet i'm not gonna lie so i am we're in this cubicle and bless his heart just looked at me this fear of god and he was like please don't look at me why i'm taking a poo mom and he was like dottie turn away

turn away don't look at me i had to turn away because he needed a poo bless his heart i know but it's it's fine it's just that awkward bit you know when you just want to strain that last bit out you just don't want anyone watching you do and me and dots were like you're okay it's a tough age to get to and you still got poo in front of your mom and your sister it's that epiphany there's that bit in the mind that if i was to put well i do put in front of them i've got no shame yeah but i think it's different when you're the parent because you're like nothing embarrasses you no i mean but when you're the child yeah and he was like please look away the moment out of bridesmaids she's shitting in the road yeah she's like it's happening it's happening oh she's she's going she's going oh but i love that yeah thank you lovely stories this week yeah so you can get

in touch with us on anything at all yeah it can be serious or silly and you can be totally anonymous because between us we've probably heard it all before and remember we're all in this together and we know that we are we're all stars and we see that each week we'll be sharing our secrets and yours in the secret mom club here's my secret of the week i've really fucked up to be fair i don't feel like it me i feel like it was a family effort go on right you know we had this issue with swimming fucking swim don't tell me you said i've gone back we've lost our place no you just won't fucking answer the phone to me because they're not responding to my emails they're not answering my calls because you kicked off at the

pool i wouldn't know it wasn't i kicked off at the pool i don't know whether i was just a difficult customer that might not have helped but we didn't go because the babies were so ill with the lead up yeah so i was emailing in what i hadn't realized is that my emails weren't they didn't go oh so they just thought you were ghosting they just thought we were i was ghosting i was fucking rude yeah um and also i i didn't get the email over the christmas period it's them telling us to renew our swimming sessions so you've been kicked off the course we don't have any and now the children want to go on holiday and they can't swim and i just feel so stressed about it is it one of those that's hard to get back in as well because they do it on like a term block i was on a four month waiting list oh shit and if you're not in for the start of

the term that's it no and then we've got to fucking start again now haven't we because we'll have to go to a new pool and start all over again is there even another pool you can go to word might have got around they might be like don't let sophina in don't let sophina in she nearly started on the instructor bitch is crazy by the pool the kids fucking get scared i freaked out that my child was gonna drown and die this was colby wasn't it under the influence of the instructor yeah like do you know what you're doing which we should say he was fine he was completely safe but it was your it was me i shit myself that he was drowning in the pool and he wasn't do you

know what a floaty do you know what happened if you weren't pregnant or was it just like pregnancy making you no i'm not fucking mad yeah that would so yeah that is that's where we're at i feel like we do i don't if i'm honest with you i've got no idea i am i am slightly embarrassed do you know what a lot of kids learn to swim on holiday you could just take i did think that and then i thought if i'm taking my sister's children with us and they can all swim and my sister and her husband yeah they can swim yeah so i wondered if it might just be more colby is really traumatized and he literally we've had all of this time off over the christmas period he woke up today being monday morning and went we're not going to swim in tonight are we and i was like why and he was like because monday we have to go swimming i was

like i haven't booked us back on the course and he went yes oh so he doesn't want to no well at least he's happy he doesn't want to swim about dotty she's probably just in the bedroom ripping out her teeth she's not bothered she's moved on she's moved on she's she's trying to rip her teeth out so she can get us have another fiver he's got a new favorite she's going for a louis v how much money can i get and what can i buy with it but no she um i think i think she's give or take yeah i think it's the nervousness and the coldness of the pool it's freaking him out but he definitely doesn't want to go back it's one of those really hard things isn't it because i think i've spoken about this with joseph before like he's two and i really want him to be confident in the pool and be able to swim but also the faff

of taking him i'm like i actually can't face it at the moment because he hated it last time we took him and now i'm like colby hated swimming from the get-go so we didn't have we've never had a good swimming experience so from colby being young one i didn't take him super young and two i took him and he hated every ounce of the water there'll be all these mums in the pool in there and their little the babies are in their little boats and they're like nodding off because they're so tranquil and it's so calming in this pool and there's carly screaming drowning drowning in his little monkey rash vest um and no we just wasn't having none of it it's just not

and then i just didn't do it with dot and now i'm to the point where the when this baby comes that's it we're straight in that pool well that's the thing i feel like you've got to do it the people that i know that are good gotta do it early oh they've been going since they were like three months old and so that's all the babies have ever known whereas now it's like joseph's nearly two he's gonna be like what the is this yeah why are you making what you do yeah it's freezing in there i gotta wear these tight pants yeah also i get really cold so i'm like this is not for me i actually i'm a water baby though i do really love the water i do as well yeah and i'm glad i had swimming lessons when i was younger my mom always says it's because i'm a summer baby leo summer baby but also i'm

cancer um crab cusp and that's a water sign isn't it mine is because we're summer babies because you tend to be around water well we had swimming lessons when we were little as well yeah which i'm really glad we did because i wouldn't like to be an adult that can't his name was dennis his name was dennis he was a swim teacher now in hindsight it was you said that like it was an old boyfriend. It was a really old man called Dennis. An old flame.

His name was Dennis. His name was Dennis. He was a swim coach. He had tiny little pants and his hair slicked right back. But yeah, that's where we're at. We're fucking so bad, isn't it? We're fucked. So I'll keep you posted on that.

Yeah. If anybody else has been kicked out of a club holler at your gal i'm right there with you maybe i'll just to become a swim teacher myself yeah i'll contact dennis retrain retrain retrain so that's my secret so next we'll be hearing some of yours after this short break. As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors, like high blood pressure developed during pregnancy, which can put us two times more at risk of heart disease or stroke. Know your risks. Visit heartandstroke.ca this is the secret mum club the safe space for you to share your secrets we've got three secrets from you we're going to be discussing this week so emma take it away with number one hello ladies i have a story that isn't really a secret but my son made it out to be one i took my eight-year-old son to the opticians recently i explained to the lady that he has sensory issues so he isn't comfortable being close to people he doesn't know oh but

she was delightful and very mindful when doing the peripheral eye test after these she asked me about eye issues in the family to which i said it's not relevant as Sam is adopted. Then my total shit bag of a son screamed, adopted? Mum, really? I'm not, am I? The woman nearly fell over in shock. Sam knows he's adopted and just wanted to cause havoc.

I couldn't stop myself from laughing at my little rip of a kid. Lots of hugs, Kate. Oh my God. Oh my God, god sam you fucking legend i always moan because colby has got no personality whatsoever you can't have a joke with colby he can't take it he's so yeah he's just like chris he's really really serious um so that's funny isn't it that is really what i'm adapted what oh my god the optician must have been like shit what a time to tell him yeah

i hope that she knew when you left the room what time to tell him ah not relevant son you're adopted all right let's get on with it get out of here what's adopted what you're not my real mum? God, that would be horrible, wouldn't it? That's so funny for an eight-year-old. So, it's what I mean, what an absolute ledge. That is incredible. That's incredible. Go on, Sam. So quick-witted.

Yeah. For eight. Oh, if I was adopted, I'd use that line all the time. That's so funny. I would literally. Shame on my mum for not adopting me, really. God, he's really, really dropped her in it there. Do know what joseph did this at the hospital the other day i said he was adopted no not that but i i was like stephanie was really making you look bad because i was trying to have this heart

monitor in the hospital trying to monitor the baby and look after joseph at the same time and the midwife bless her was like look so you can try and lay still for a minute i'll try and keep your toddler entertained so she was just like having a conversation with him and uh she was like and where's daddy today is um is daddy at home and joseph was going yeah and i was like it's fucking not he's at work otherwise you wouldn't fucking be it's at work hundreds of miles away but imagine like she just sees this poor woman struggling with this toddler trying to have a trying to have her unborn baby monitored. And she's like, yeah, dad's at home.

Couldn't be asked to come in and help. Yeah, but that happens all the time. Literally, I was on the phone to my sister last night and I said something. And Colby was like, no, he didn't. I was like, you fucking liar. Yes, you did. I was so mad. And I was like, don't make me out to be a liar.

Like I said, oh, no, that was it. In Disneyland, they kept going oh um are our cousins coming here oh I wish our cousins were here why has our cousins

not come with us and they kept asking me why my sister's children weren't there so I said to my sister oh they spent the whole time basically asking where their cousins were

and if they were coming and joining Colby went no we didn't and I was like you did you fucking did you liar and Dottie was like yeah we did Colby and he went well I never asked you and i was like you did you fucking did liar and dotty was like yeah we did colby and he

went well i never asked you and i'm like talk about making me look bad it's about throwing me under the bus so the doctors when they say they're really sick yeah you take them in basically on a fucking stretcher the moment you sit in the chair with the doctor they start whizzing around the room like they are on bloody sugar it's bad when they can start calling you out isn't it yeah it's awful but that's genius that is genius absolutely bloody genius right let's have the next one all right secret number two says hello emma and soph i've been having a hard time with my five and three year old girls recently they want me to play with them all the time i'm a stay-at-home mom so i do play with them a lot but imaginary play is just not my thing i find it so difficult any advice to make it more fun i have almost all the other

parenting stuff down just not the playing with them bit sincerely samantha god bless you samantha imaginary play is not my thing either i would say playing is not my jam like i love it but it has to be on my terms yeah yeah when you fancy it yeah because i feel like being a stay-at-home mom you're so overwhelmed with the whole day as it is yeah to then want to play it's just like really and then i just say why don't you two just play with each other and you end up then just trying to separate them from arguing yeah my two at the moment are in an awful state i think they've just had too much time together and they're just arguing all the time it's hard

it is a hard one I think we've all been there it just takes up a lot of energy as well a lot of like brain space to do imaginary play

I'd much rather do something like colouring in or like a puzzle I always try and push that with Joseph I'm like do you want to do puzzles

because I like doing puzzles do you like a puzzle yeah so I'll try and do things that like I'm interested in but obviously he's a toddler and a lot of the time he's like no no I'm not doing i want to do this he plays

with figurines a lot but he's quite good at playing on his own yeah that's that's very much an age thing yeah i would say dotty is now five and has to have someone play with her has to have someone play with her yeah i don't i don't play though i'm honest not me they just go out in the garden they go out in the garden i suppose that is one thing about you know what samantha's got and what you've got is a sibling so they can like take the heat off a little bit but a five and a three year old they might not be into the same thing i suppose no it's hard it's hard as well and plus i don't know if it's because we've just had a christmas break as well because obviously they will five year old mate well she may be in school she might be in year yeah reception depending on whether or not you

have the little one out at nursery yeah but it is hard i would love to say i could give you loads of tips on it yeah but i don't really have any i i can only play with them when i can play with them and i do play as much as i can but it's hard mentally for our brain cells because you spend all day being mum don't you yeah and then you're they want you to go into this play and then you sit down at the end of the evening i don't know if you ever feel it but i just think like if there was if somebody was a fly on the wall in this house they would think i need to be sectioned i'm nuts because or it'll be something mental, like I'll be flying around the kitchen,

like while I'm trying to cook the dinner, or we're trying to use the civilians to cut. Dottie, I always try and get the toys involved with my jobs. Yeah. So if like we're hoovering and Dottie says, oh, can we do some play? I'm like, mum's got some housework. So why don't we incorporate the Barbies

into helping with the housework? Yeah. So then the Barbies go on the hoover and dotsy likes to do the hoover that's really the barbie on the hoover and then she likes to whiz him down the like the arm of the hoover the barbies yeah you are then just picking up toys but it's it's clean just not tidy you've got them packed with toys yeah we put the surveillance while we're chopping up the veg that's smart so maybe try that samantha yeah it's hard isn't it when you when you're when you do it on a daily basis it's hard to then tell somebody what you do yeah yeah what i mean and also like you feel when you like can't be asked to play with them you feel guilty and then like if you're a stay-at-home mom like samantha you're like no i'm doing loads with them all day every

day like i can't do it 24 7 sometimes you just gotta put the telly on i just say yeah sometimes i would say do you want should we sit down and watch a film for a little bit should we have some down time depending on what we've been doing yeah oh yeah just getting involved in the housework they love that or i bought dotty a little um you know the little hetty hoovery things oh like a pretend one like it comes with the mop and the hoover and your broom and a brush. Yeah. And I just bought her a little outfit.

A little apron. So she can pretend to copy you. And yeah, we do the housework together. She loves doing the housework, though. That's a good idea. She really loves that. So rather than doing their play, I get them to help out with mine. Help with your jobs.

Yeah. That's a really good idea. They love it. She loves folding the washing. Colby's not fussed. Colby's so laid back and chilled. Yeah. I think it's a girl thing. They have to be full on. Girl, and she's a bit younger idea they love it she loves folding the washing colby's not fussed colby's so laid back and chilled yeah i think it's a girl thing they have to be full on girl and she's a bit younger as well and another one another one that i think is great is bath play yes soon as you say to them mommy is a little bit busy with the housework why don't we have some why don't we

pick some toys and we have some fun in the bath yeah get them cups plates bowls wooden spoons they'll have hours of fun in the bath yeah yeah even if there's not water in it no they go but then i'm close by i'm only yeah around you obviously have to stay in a safe distance to them i wouldn't leave them upstairs in the bath no but if you're pottering around and you're at home or if you just want to have a cup of tea just pop them in the bath and sit in the doorway i find the bath is so good for passing a bit of time. So good, so good. Honestly, Dottie will go...

She had four baths yesterday. Not out of my choice, out of choice of hers. It's the cleanest child in town. She puts her Barbies in there, her trolls. She has the time of her life. And even if you just need 10 minutes to just sit and drink a hot drink. Yeah, that'll pass a bit of time.

Just pop them in the bath. Sit in the doorway. Sit at the top of the stairs so you can see them. Yeah, and let them just have a bit of wet play. It's not like not like we can sit i just think it's the same as a paddling pool in the garden really yeah in the summertime yeah when the weather's fine you can jump right up touch the sky all right ready for the last secret yes i'm ready hit us off it says hi lovely ladies i just want to share what is probably one of the most embarrassing moments of my life picture the scene butlinslins, half term,

in the main toilets. It was heaving. The queues were mental. I'm a single mum, so it's just me and my three-year-old daughter holidaying, which means when I need the toilet, she has to come in with me. Usually it's fine, no problems, until this time, as I get up off the toilet in the very busy cubicles, my daughter proceeds to chant, Mummy, I can see your ham. I'll let you work out as to what ham my daughter was referring to. I have no words to explain how mortified I was.

Kind regards, a mum currently looking online for designer vagina surgery. Mum, I can see your ham. Oh bless her ham's a great new slang for she's our man and she can't do it no one cares mom mom i see your hair we'll work something up we're for next week come back to us next week we'll have something great ham ham wow my mum's got spam you just never know

what to do in that scenario do you you never know what they're going to come out with you don't know what they're going to come out you've got this all to come

I know I can't wait honestly you have this all to come it's so it's when Dottie was when I was in Paris and I was actually really regular in Paris

and it's when she kept saying you're not going to take another poo are you and you're like in public i'm hoping they don't speak any english but they do yeah they probably do there's probably french people sat next to me that are just their children are saying crazy things but i don't know what they're saying yeah but there's dotty like not having another poo are you and you're like oh another one ma another poo um but yeah oh i'm sure there's nothing wrong with your vagina don't just yeah a three-year-old being a three-year-old you don't need a designer vagina i'll send you a picture of

mine at the moment you'll probably feel better probably make you feel a lot better about your vagina in this current state to be honest mine is hammy spammy i would say mine's more spam than ham spread ham i've got like a whole platter going on sliced ham yeah charcuterie gammon gammon charcuterie board down there grab some bread and dig on in i'll bring the cheese you bring the breads there's a party in my pants and everyone's invited anywho so thank you for sharing your secrets this week everyone is welcome literally in my pants and if you want to share your secrets with us you can you can email us hello at secret mom pod.com or with secret mom pod on tiktok and instagram has there been a chant about your has there been a chant about your ham or have you

admitted to farting a lot let us know there really is nothing too outrageous and keep an eye out for about your ham? Has there been a chant about your ham? Or have you admitted to farting a lot? Let us know. There really is nothing too outrageous. And keep an eye out for our Thursday episode. And we'll see you next time

on the Secret Mum Club.