Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Ham Slap

Episode Date: September 10, 2026

One mum's trip to the shops is interrupted by her toddler's snack habits, leaving an innocent stranger wearing more ham than she bargained for. Soph and Emma also get into the nitty gritty of Fredo economics, and a listener shares her tips for introducing a dog to the family before the baby arrives. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sofina and Emma have another hilarious episode of Secret Mum Club lined up for you, but just before we get into it, have you watched the show yet? The summer holidays can be the Wild West for finding a moment to yourself. So when the kids have gone to bed, it's the perfect time to unpack the day, laugh about the latest things they've done to embarrass us, and catch up with the ladies who are going through the same thing. When you've got that bit of peace and quiet, grab a drink and search for Secret Mum Club on YouTube. Emma's eating a Fredo on today's episode.

Meeting a Fredo, how retro. So retro, although they're not 5P no more. They used to be 10p, isn't they? How old were you, 5P? What was that in 1970? Same age as you, you're fucking nuttle. 5P, 10p. They were 5P, 10p, 15p, weren't they?

I'm going to do with this. Now they're about 50p. Was a Fredo ever 5P? No. Freddob bars were never actually. 5p. Okay. Started a 10p then. In 1994, an 18 gram frog bar at 10p. Yeah. And then from 94 to 2004, the price famously stayed frozen for 10. Stop it. For 11 years. For over a decade, which is why adults distinctively remember a 10p price tag rather than a 5p. Especially millennials, because that was our, that was our peak

time, wasn't it? Yeah. That was what you could get a 10p. Fredo in a one pound thingy bag. A lucky dip. A pick a mix. Yeah, yeah. Well, they don't really use this information before we start our episode today. So you're welcome. Hello, this is The Secret Mum Club. I am Safina.

And I'm Emma. And welcome to your Thursday's episode. Where we chat about the economical status of chocolates of years gone by. Yeah. Where we get to squeeze in all the extra. bits and bobs from the week. Can't squeeze your bits from here. Gotta give them a squeeze later.

All of your comments, sorts, questions and fun stories. To keep you going through the weekend. Showing your bonie. Na, na, na, na, na. It's time for another awkward. Correspondence. Not bad. I'm going to leave that one up to Mass.

Yeah. Well, wait. She too listens with headphones on to our shit. That was probably really fucking loud for her. So Emma, what have you got for us today? Take it away. Okay, this comes from Jilly in Basingstoke. Oh, hello, Jilly.

What a cutsy-butsy name. You get the train through Basingstoke, do you? Yeah, I do. I've hit it up Festival Place quite a few times. Oh, yeah. Big up your Bays and Stoke, Baddies. Big up your Bays. I'm glad you said Baddies.

I nearly went for something else. Bitches. Maybe pictures, yeah Yeah This is a little tip for Emma Who has baby Archie And toddler Elsie Oh not me

No No I was like do I Not everything is about you Emma Jones It's not all about me Do you remember Do you remember Emma

Yes I do I do Yes so she had Like a three year old And a baby And was struggling With the guilt of You know

Sharing her time Sharing her time As we all love Yeah This says When my second girl was born, my first was two years and one month old. That's the same age gap as us, isn't it? Yeah. She loved to read. So I got 10 books for 10 pounds from the works, and we called them her special books. We'd read them during baby feeds. I'd prop the baby up

on cushions and feed her, leaving my other hand free for cuddles and turning the pages. My two-year-old also loved swimming, so either myself or my hubby would do everything we could to still go swimming with her once a week, even if it meant my mother-in-law having the baby for an hour, so we could both go. Walks and scooter rides while the baby sleeps in the buggy. are another good one. Don't feel guilty, Emma. You've got this. Oh. Yeah. It's hard, isn't it? Because when you're in it, it seems so hard to think of anything outside of that. But looking back, when you did things, like now we can give our advice because we've lived it and we've been there, but we did things without realizing we were doing them. Yeah. And I think there's so much beauty in now that you get to

sit back and look on that you got by, you did it. It was perfect. It was beautiful. They have a happy sibling relationship that you actually did it without even realizing you were doing it. But when you're in it, it's the hardest thing to stop judging yourself for or question if you're doing enough or doing the right thing. We're doing it without your subconscious brain, you know, it just clicks in without

realizing we're doing it. Yeah. I think that's so true. Like I would stress myself out with being like, haven't taken him out today, hasn't gone to the park, all these things that I was like, oh, I don't think I'm going to get around to doing that because like the baby needs a nap or he's having a lot of screen time because I just can't do anything. But actually it's the smallest things like you say sometimes. I think you do without even realizing it. Like sitting on the floor and reading a book,

that's something so simple, but they feel like they're getting the one on one time and you can still meet the baby's needs while you're doing that. And those little things I think they appreciate, don't they? Yeah. They go a long way. Yes. And it's also sometimes there is a lot of expectation to have this big fandango moment with your brand new baby, but then also having the big moment with your older child, when in fact it is the really, really small things that they cherish and they love. And five minutes to them feels like a whole hour. So I think sometimes we all need to take a moment, don't we,

to just slow down and enjoy that. And I always do truly believe it doesn't matter any age. Communication is key. as long as you're explaining and talking through your toddler, who is taking the bare minerals from your conversation, but to keep communicating and talking through, like, we just need to sort the baby and then we're going to come back to this book, okay, so can you find me something really cool that's going to save our page? They'll spend 20 minutes just looking for something super cool. It might be a sock. It might be dad's pants. It might be a toothbrush, but they're

going to get something super cool. And they're always going to remember that. Do you know, I had to pick a super cool item to put my book all the time. And even Colby now, sits and tells me at 10 years old, like things that he did. And we're collecting cars now for Renli because he loves them and like going through like all the cars on websites. Cobby was like, oh my God, I remember this one. And I had this one when I used to go in the bath. And I remember this one that used to sit at the table while I ate dinner. It's the smallest thing. Like invite your car to dinner. Like we, me and Kobe used to always, obviously I had Dotty, same age gap as Elsie and Archie and obviously Sadie and Joseph. We used to invite a car to dinner. We'd have a tiny

little plate, a tiny little knife and fork that I just got from a charity shop that was for a civilian. And we used to set the table up and the cars used to come for dinner. And that's what we did. And Colby would put a tiny little bit of food on their plate and then he turned his head because mum obviously took the food away. Oh my God. He ate all the food again. He played along. But, you know, I think it's just the smallest thing. Sometimes we just need to slow down and know that we're doing a fantastic job. So yeah. Thank you, Jilly, so much. All right, we've got another one here. It says, hi, Safina and Emma. My name is Lana. I'm 24, a first-time mummy to my gorgeous three-month-old baby boy, Sunny, and also a dog mum to Dempsey, our two-year-old,

30-kilogram, very energetic setter. I'm replying to Sarah about introducing your dog to your baby. I did quite a few things before Sunny arrived that really helped us. I used a baby doll and carried it around the house so Dempsey could get used to me holding something and practice being calm, not jumping up and gently sniffing. We also practiced going on walks with the push-chair and played recordings of a crying baby so he could get used to those new sounds. When Sunny arrived, I made sure Dempsey still got lots of praise, attention and love,

so he didn't feel pushed out or like the baby had replaced him. I also took one of Sonny's newborn hats home from the hospital first so Dempsey could have a sniff and get used to his smell before meeting him. I think the biggest thing I learn is that if you're calm, they're calm. I personally didn't restrict Dempsey from sniffing Sunny when they first met. Obviously, we supervised closely and made sure he was gentle, but I think letting him have a calm sniff satisfied his curiosity. If you constantly stop them from going near the baby, I feel like it can make them even more intrigued.

We're three months in now and seeing their bond grow has honestly been so lovely. All my love, Lana from West Sussex. Oh, it's basically the same as what you would do if you were having a second baby, isn't it? Yeah. That's everything that I did when I was pregnant with Dotty to try and get Colby ready. You know, we used to take him out and we'd have the pram. I'd play with the dolly and he'd hold the dolly. It's just, it works the same way.

have feelings. Dogs aren't, you know, they're a part of your family. They're not just a, they're not just a pet. They're your whole life and they're your fur babies before or, you know, adding to your babies or adding to your family. They deserve respect too. And I just think that's really lovely that people take the time because there is a lot of people that, you know, wouldn't even second think the dog, you know. But that's a really sweet, a sweet way to do it, isn't it? Yeah, very, very cute. That is very cute. Thanks Lana. Yeah, thank you so much. And congratulations. I hope you're doing really well. And baby Sonny is settling into the world. I love, Sunny. Me too. Okay, last one here. You ready? Yes. This says, hi, Sofen, Emma. I love

the pod. Thank you very much. Emma, when you talked about chatting to that 19 year old on the train when you were doing your nails and said, I'm sure she's not listening, I'm here to tell you that 19 year old single girls with no children also thoroughly enjoy your conversations. I thought for a second then, for a split second, I thought this was her. I know, I did too. I was like, don't bloody tell me. She's got in such. It's another 19 year old with no children.

Anyway, this is not at all relevant to the recent episodes, but actually the dummy ditch episode where you talked about the horror you feel when seeing film and TV characters in real life. Same, so same. I've always been terrified of them as a kid. Once, when I was seven, I thought, I'm going to be. be brave. I'll do it. I made it all the way to the front of the line only to come face to face with Dora the Explorer and Diego. I went, fuck no, and ran up the stairs the other way.

I wasn't looking where I was going. I made it to the top of the stairs and bang, I ran headfirst into a metal pole. It was not a quiet sound and everyone was in fact watching, including Dora and Diego. When I recovered, I saw they were still watching me, so I just kept running. Keep it up, Divas, lots of love. Tau from Sydney, Australia. She says, Tau rhymes with Wow. Wow. Wow. Tao. That's a beautiful name. Tau. I love that so much. Honestly, I could tell some absolute crackers of stories of me bloody. I spent a lot of my childhood because I'm so fucking nosy walking into lampposts. As many a time it became a family joke that I would just always walk into lamp post. It'd be like, bong, every time I walked into a lamp post. But I also do hate these

dress-up characters. And I try to be brave for the children. And I just can't fucking do it. There's just something so peculiar about that there's a full-blown human in there, just acting this out. It's just, you know, I think the whole idea and concept is cute. Like, it's great for the children. Me, on the other hand, I can't, I can't do it. Do you know, my niece, Eden, she is a friend that works down at a clay centre,

and her friend dresses up as a character. She passed out in one of them. In front of all the children. Can you imagine her poor little heart and how much she'd panicked that she didn't want to ruin someone's dreams? That's too much for me. Yeah, my sister's,

I think my sister's been in them a lot on stage because she's a dancer. Can you imagine me like, oh my God? Bluey's fainted. Are you all right, Bluey? I imagine they're so hot and sweaty and you can't see much, you can't quickly go to the toilet,

so it'd be a nightmare job for me, honestly. Yeah. I'd need to have a catheter. Tiny bladder. Honestly. It's just something so peculiar that there's all blown life size. It is odd and I think it's actually quite terrifying

for the children because they see their favorite characters on TV. That are like this big. That are like this big, like little pepper pig, little George. And then you go somewhere, like we met Dougie once. You go somewhere and meet them and you think, fucking out. It's a six-foot man over there dressed as Dougie. Like when we took Joseph to see Dougie,

he was like one and a half. And we were like, oh my God, he's going to love it. It's going to be amazing. Shoot his pants. He has a picture taken with him. We have got a picture and he looks absolutely terrified. Yeah, yeah. And I can understand.

I can understand. Yeah, I can understand. It's scary. But that's not all children. Some children really love him. Mine. Nice. And I always said to Cobby, Cobon, you take him over there.

He says, I can't fucking take him over there. You take him over there. You're his mum. That's Kobe's new thing at the moment. You're his mum. Yeah, and I'm your mum and I'm asking you to help me. I'm your mum too. This isn't, you know, this is a three-way thing.

You're his mom. I'm your mum as well. It's like when your sibling goes, my dad, I'm like, is my dad too? Dad too, yeah. My mum. My mum has got absolutely nothing. You mean our mum? Or I say to my sister, my brother.

My brother. She's like, yeah, he's my brother. Our brother. Okay, God, if you want to be technical about it. Yeah, fine, but I'm his favourite. If I say to Colby, oh, do you mind just watching your brother? And he'll go, do you know, you're his mom? Yeah.

I know. You're not to tell me. I fucking hate the life-sized characters, all right? I'm not doing it. Hemorrhoids in my ass to prove it. Thanks. You know? Bloody Nora.

We had the same thing at Disney with Woody. I was like, oh my God, Joseph's going to love this. And we got in the queue for Woody. And he was like, fuck no. Fuck this. Fuck this. I wouldn't say I'm too bad at Disney. Maybe because I know it's a bit more regulated.

Again, my tiny little brain is over panics about things. But then people say Disney isn't safe, don't they? Oh, so you hear. Do they? I just fall down too many rabbit holes, honies. And, you know, I don't fly because I've scared myself into flying. Yeah. Yeah, you've got great vivid imagination.

Oh, well, I don't know where Dottie gets. You know, she's such a worrier. I don't know. Don't know why she worries so much, you know. I worry about fucking, I worry about leaving my front door. It's a wonder I survive most days, to be honest, because I don't do fuck or scared me. Fucking, I don't know. I ask myself this most days, to be honest.

Oh, but thank you ladies so much. I've loved these, honestly. If you have any comments, thoughts or funny stories, why not get in touch? You can email us hello at secret mumpod.com or we're Secret Mumpod on TikTok and Instagram. And next is time for one of yours. I say great. Welcome back. We love a secret on the Secret Mum Club. And you're all so good at sharing.

So whatever you got for us today? For us today. Cockney, baby. This comes from Sophie in West Sussex. She says, hi, are you wonderful ladies. I'm not sure if you remember me, but I'm the chocolate condom mama. Do you remember this? Yes, do you remember?

Oh, when he was like chalk, but it sounded like cock. Is that the one? Yes. Yeah. She says, I'm back again. Not with a mispronounce word this time, but with an embarrassing trip to Tesco. Oh, go on,

Safe. Yeah, go on. Axel, my youngest, is currently 19 months old and going through a throwing food phase. Both boys had been sharing a packet of Paw Patrol ham on the way around, and Axel had one last piece left. I thought, wow, he's done well not to throw any. Well, how wrong was I? We were walking towards the checkout when a lady walked past us.

Oh, please don't tell me she had a poor patrol ham on her back. Oh, God. I saw his arm go back. He was quick as a flash because I tried to stop him. But before I knew it, he had thrown this piece of ham, and I heard a loud slap. The ham landed right on her cheek. Axel just went. Oh dear.

I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole. She peeled the piece of ham off her face. Gave it back and said... Oh, no. I think you dropped this. Gave it back and said, here you go. I, of course, apologize, but she didn't find it the slightest bit amusing. at all. I'm not sure why. These second children are really out here to humble us, aren't they?

Hope this made you laugh a little, because I'd be lying if I said I didn't laugh all my love. So from West Sussex. That is honestly, absolutely. You've got to laugh. You have to laugh. You have to laugh. It's like that time I said about the time when me and my brother got a yoghurt in M&S. Did you do? So my mum never took us to M&S. So when MNS opened or like when she took us down there for a treat, it was like a really rare thing to do. And I remember she bought us these yoguets, right? And they used to do the little jubber. And they used to do the little jewell. So, remember when they used to put meat in a bag so your meat didn't leak. Yeah. So they put mine in British's yoghirts in a little bag. Well, we're waiting at the end while my mum's doing the conveyor belt. And we were just spinning our yogurts around.

Oh, God. Well, I was carrying on with mine, unbeknowns to anybody else, to my mum went, Saphina, like really loud, just looked me dead in the eyes and was like, stop it now. And I was like, she was like, you're in so much trouble. I remember looking down and across everybody's shoes was just strawberry yogurt. I then looked up and there was just people, chairs, wheelchairs, all this stuff at the end of like the aisle all around me just covered. My brother had yogurt across his face.

My mom had it on her back. There was yogurt everywhere. I walked out and said, what if my yogurt was Richie's? Of course you did. Because they did. Always blame Richie. But yeah. But you did it.

How old were you? 17? 25. Classic. No, I was, I think I was little. I think I wanted to say I was like four or five. Oh. Yeah.

Absolute shock at that one. Oh, God. I don't. There's something so funny about that. I would absolutely pee my pants if a child was to slap a piece of ham on my face. There's also something quite like really like embarrassing and humiliating about having a piece of of ham slapping you on the cheek. That's quite degrading.

Humbling. Maybe humbles you know. Before kids I would have been like, oh my God, these children are out of control. Post kids, I'd think it was. Legend. Yeah. I'd spud him. You know, give us a spud.

I'm glad I'm on the receiving end of this and it's not my child dishing out the ham. Is what I would think. Give it to me. Spud. I love that. You're my kind of friend. Yeah. Here you go.

It's the second children, though. They will forever humble you. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, no, they're out of control. But thanks, Sophie. We adore you. Do characters give you the creeps, then let us know?

Email us. Hello at secret mumpod.com or we're SecretMumpod on TikTok and Instagram. And we'll be bab, ba-ba-ba-back, back back on Tuesday, I believe. What is happening? Yeah, I don't know what's going on. Let's say Tuesday. We'll go for Tuesday. Yeah. Okay.

And we'll have more of your messages on our next Thursday episode. And we'll see you next time on the Secret Mum Club.