Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Hard Conversations

Episode Date: February 24, 2026

Soph’s had a tough week, navigating Dottie’s parents’ evening and Colby’s struggles at football. Meanwhile, Joseff has some big questions for Emma about his birthday party plans, one step-mum asks how to help her daughters feel truly welcome, and there’s a very public potty-training disaster. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Wait, hold on. I need your attention because we have some huge news. It's big. Bigger than my bucket crutch. And that's big. Even bigger than Jojo's love for teenage mutant ninja turtles. Well, you've been asking for it, so we're going to be heading back on the stage for another secret mom club lunch show. There's going to be plenty of secrets. Perhaps a couple of party games.

And maybe a few surprise guests. So mark your calendars because on the 20th of May, we'll be live at Bush Hall in London for one girly night only. So you better buckle up, bitches. Tickets are on sale right now. So head to our socials for more info and the link to buy tickets. We can't wait to see you there. Now, back to the episode. Hello, this is The Secret Mum Club.

I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. And welcome to the podcast. Well, we... Or just me, forget our lines. There's always one, isn't there? Always one line. Trips you up.

This podcast is a safe space for mums everywhere. A safe space to share our secrets. Because we all have secrets, don't we? We do, and as we know, sharing is caring. You don't even have to tell us who you are. You can keep that to yourself, you can be anonymous. And all those secrets can be serious or silly. All secrets are welcome in their secret mum car.

Tell me about your week. Tell me about your week. Tell me about your week. Tell me about your week. I'm still on house decal. Are you? I'm full knees deep in this. Did you find your pink baskets?

No. No. I didn't find them still on the quest. You got your pink plates though, didn't you? A couple of weeks ago. Yeah. I've got a lot of lovely pink shit. A lot of pink shit.

Does Chris like it? Loves it. Yeah. Loves it. Everyone's always like, oh, does Chrissy? To be fair, it doesn't really, it doesn't, you know, love it. No strong opinions either way. It has no opinion.

Is he quite happy for you to just be sorting out and taking the leave? It makes you really happy. So I'll just sit back and enjoy it. But nothing I make, like nothing I add or do is rank, you know. Everything's, he told me not to get a chair. He told me not to get a chair this week. So I'm trying, my kitchen is really loud. I'm trying to take the echo out of my kitchen.

Because it's like, echo, echo, echo. What, fill it with. Fill it with shit. Yeah. Just trying to fill it. And I said to him, I think we should get like a little accent chair. And I was really worried, although everyone did rest my mind, that I was worried that I was going to get a fabric chair. And the fabric would take on the smell of like the kit.

kitchen but there has been a few people that said actually no that's not the case for us but then others have said it does so I went with the wicker thing because I already have a wicker bench so we've had a shift around to some stuff that we've got and I bought a chair the chair that Chris said don't get it's going to be too big take up too much room really disturbed the kitchen and no one's ever going to use it well let me tell you that fucking chair is the only chair that Chris has fucking sat in so you got it anyway even after he said all that yeah he likes it yeah he loves it sits at all the time sits in every single breakfast lunch dinner You name it.

When we're in the kitchen, Chris's butt. And do you keep saying? Is that fucking chaid in one? How's that chaded one? Yeah. That's that bloody cheque. Don't let him forget about it. No, I'm not. I will not let him forget about it.

He will not live it down. But no, it's been all right. It's been all right. We're obviously trying to navigate round Colby because he left the football team, didn't he? Oh yeah. I don't think you spoke about that. Have I not? I don't think so.

It's a really, really difficult one. And I feel like you're in such, like, hobbies, man, are wild. Hobbies for children are wild Like no discrimination to anybody I'm not saying this is directed at anybody In any way, shape or form But I feel like the hobby for children community is crazy Like dance mums

It's a crazy community Everyone just wants the best for their child And I so I so get it And I totally totally understand And I'm the first one to Not only to throw my child Under the bus I am And I say it a million times, I am the first to say, oh gosh, what have they done?

Even when I don't know the situation, whether it be that mine hasn't done it and they're coming to apologize or whether my child has done it and I want to rectify it. And I've spoke about it on my Instagram before. And I try my best to make sure that I'm, I always want children to be okay. Like I always want in every scenario, whether that be a play date, whether that be a hobby after school, whether that be, you know, football team. Whatever the scenario, at school, however it may be, I always want to make sure that if something has happened, we resolve it amicably. Because at the end of the day, what is trivial to you and me to a seven-year-old or a nine-year-old, this is their whole life right now. So I try to be on the fence, but sometimes it's really, really difficult. And what I'm finding really hard is because I'm the first to maybe throw the children under the bus and be like, oh gosh, if they've done that, please tell me.

when I may be presented with somebody that maybe isn't the same or doesn't feel that way and they feel that their child is fully in the right when scenarios have proven otherwise, it's really hard for me to be like, I can't keep doing this. And there's been situations that have been happening within the football team. And we've really tried. We've really tried. I feel like poor Colby goes through so many football teams. And I just keep speaking to parents outside of this football team that Colby was in.

I've been speaking to parents. And I'm like, gosh, am I going crazy? Like, is it us? Are we the problem? And I've been reassured. I don't know whether it's because it's people that are friends and they're familiar with us or have known us around in like the football and I'm just being maybe polite. I don't know.

But it's kind of one of those things that you find that it seems to be so common. And we've tried and tried and tried to stick out. out and not let Colby be affected by how a child acts or how a child responds to him or things that are said to him, I just physically can't take it anymore because it's just fully breaking him. It's just absolutely destroying his character. And it seems that we've been in a couple of teams. But this seems to be the one, we've left the teams for sort of different reasons to pursue maybe a higher division or maybe go back to a lower division team. If the skills are too high, We've sort of gone for a team that's maybe not so an attacking team or not such a high division team.

So we've moved around so that we can make sure that we're supporting Colby and making sure he's okay. So this one just seems, this one just seems like it's really like, really personal, really like a dagger. Because I thought he was getting on really well there. Yeah. And I don't really know when the situation changed. I don't know what happened or what's gone on. But it started off and we kind of addressed it and we talked about it. And then we were kind of preparing Colby and then it would happen again the next week.

And we'd kind of just talk about it and say, you know, just let it go. He's been with this team for nearly a year. We signed this time last year with this team. So it's the longest team that he's been with. But it's just like I can't. I can't for my own child's sake keep just putting him through it. And did he want to leave as well? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And he said before Christmas, Mom, I just don't think this is, I don't think this team is for me. And the thing with Colby, the difference between them too is that Dotty will tell you straight up, fuck off, leave me alone, get away from me, I don't want to talk to you. Whereas Colby, he just won't. He just won't. And he absorbs it all. He takes it all in. And he really, really does take it personal. And I've tried to speak to the parents and the parents are like, oh, it's not a personal thing towards Colby. My child's just getting frustrated

with themselves. And where that's okay and okay, we're accommodating for that. And we're saying, or, you know, this child is, you know, struggling with a few things at the moment. And we're really trying to be understanding. It just is so personal to Colby. And I just, we just can't, it just couldn't do it anymore. So we have had a little bit of a tricky, tricky situation with that. What's he going to do now? Because that was taken up so much of his time as well.

But he's trialing out for new teams. Oh, he is? Yeah. You know, we're very lucky in that we know a lot of people. And I think when you go into like a hobby, you'll find this when you go in with, you're doing something. with Joseph or doing something with Sadie is you you fall into like in the what I find in the football community is everybody kind of knows everybody or you you go to one football group on like a Saturday or Colby does a private football class and you meet he meets friends from there and then

you get to know parents and you kind of in a roundabout way everybody knows somebody that knows someone and it it just works so we're really lucky in that we we do know a few people here in there and a few of Chris's friends are, their children are on teams. So he's trialling out for some other teams. He doesn't want to give it up. And I think the hardest decision for us is that his Saturday team and his Sunday team are slightly blended because there is still children from the team that he left on the Sunday in the Saturday team. So he's still seeing them? He is still seeing them. But what we couldn't get our head around is that when he plays football on Saturday, they're such a wonderful team of boys.

And his whole heart is with the team. He absolutely adores it. He loves it so much. And then we get to Sunday and it just, I just don't know what happens. I don't know what happens. The whole dynamic, the whole friendship, the whole everything just goes completely. So you go from having a really wonderful game on the Saturday to then go to Sunday and you're like, I don't know what's happened.

What's on Sunday? Training. No, so he plays Saturday football and he plays Sunday. Sunday football. Different teams. Two different teams. Right. But there is half and half.

So half of his Saturday team also play on his Sunday team. Right. And this is what we couldn't get ahead around because Colby would be like, Mom, I really love Saturday. I really love the Saturday football. And then we'd be like, I don't understand how it's the same, some of the same children. Yeah. Like I don't understand that it's different. And Colby can't.

Colby can't put his finger on it. Can't understand it. So it just has been one that we've had to kind of bite the bullet really and walk away from which is really sad. And it's hard for him always having to start somewhere new as well because you get settled in somewhere and then it's like... But I had to get him out because the longer I leave

him the worse, it just really really knocks his confidence. And at least he was with you on it as well. Yeah. He wanted to go. We would have... If Colby said he wanted to stay under no circumstances would we have ever, we would have ever left. We did it solely based on what he wanted to do. But he's had a fun

couple of weeks. He's got a second trial out for another team. Thursday, tomorrow evening. So he's really excited about, he's really excited about that. And it's just some new faces and it's a little bit fresh. It's a different, you know, different coach, different people. So yeah, hopefully, fingers crossed. Hopefully that's the one. I don't even know that I even want to say it's the one anymore, you know. Who knows? And I did ask, like, I've asked other parents like, does your children move around this much? And it seems, you know, correct me if I'm wrong, it seems quite a common thing. Unless you're really in a team that started when the boys were really, really young and they've grown together. Yeah. I think because Colby steps into a team that's already formed, I think that is harder to establish a relationship. But I'm really proud of him.

I'm really proud of him. He goes in really confident. He doesn't, you know, he doesn't let he, that he doesn't know anybody hinder him. And he's, which again, like we spoke in last week's episode about Joseph. Like, I've been on such a journey with Colby as to the boy that was, wouldn't even talk to anybody, wouldn't go to any children's parties, didn't have any friends, and then putting him through going to like a different junior school with no one. He knew no one. We changed his whole junior school and put him into a junior school where he knew nobody. And he's established

this wonderful, wonderful group of friends to then go into football and establish a relationship from the child that just never spoke to anybody. I think it's so good for them. It's like really, it teaches you resilience. And do you what? It's, it's a lot. If anything we can take from this, it's teaching him so much. It's teaching him a lot about himself, but also to know his boundaries. He's learning his boundaries as to what he's comfortable accepting. And I think that's so huge for life. That's so huge in life to know what you personally will accept for yourself.

And to be able to do it, it likes nine years old. I know. But on Phillips's hard, I kind of feel sad because I think, oh, they shouldn't, they're only nine. I know. They're only nine. They're just nine-year-old. You shouldn't have had to leave. I know.

just nine-year-old boys and they shouldn't have to be going through this at such a young age. So you're kind of torn. You're torn between, I'm so proud of him, but also I feel so sad for him because I just think, fucking hell. Like, can the boy just not get a bit of a break? A bit of a break. And I have lost sleep thinking, is this just us? Are we the problem here?

Yeah. And it's hard. It's hard not to think. To blame yourself. Yeah. But it seems like if other people are doing it as well, it can't be that unusual. No. No, and I think I found a lot of comfort in talking to other parents about it.

But yes. It's one of those things, isn't it? Like, it's probably, yeah, it's nice to be part of the same team your whole life or to go to the same school your whole life. But then you find that people that have had to, like, move school a lot. Yeah. Or whose parents have moved house a lot, like they learn different skills then to be adaptable and resilient and confident and make new friends.

So even though it's probably not ideal, you're teaching him other things that are going be like so beneficial for him as he gets older. Yeah. It's just a bloody wild week, honestly. It's a wild, wild week. But we're back trialling for new teams and he's really excited and really enthusiastic. So I'm gassed for him. I'm really gassed for him.

So, yeah, apart from decorating my house and dealing with the children's dramas, I'm doing great. What's new? Although I am slightly behind though. I feel like I should. What date are we in now? Well, when you hear this, it won't be the date that you hear it because it's obviously pre-recorded. Currently today is the 11th of February, which means we have less than one month until Renley's birthday.

But by the time you hear this, I probably think I'll have about two weeks to go. You'll be balls deep in the planning. What's going on? Because you said to me, have you started planning say he did? And I was like, I probably won't do anything. I haven't planned fuck all yet. I don't know where we're going. We did Sennie P's last year, didn't we?

You're going to go away again? I don't know. But I feel like I've left it too late. No, it's not. too late. But to book Centre Parks? By the time this goes out, you'll have a couple of weeks. I mean, we out, so we go to Centre Parks with the same friends every March.

They all book it the week after they come back. Because you get a £50 discount for early book it. Which is wonderful. Me and stuff, I never fucking do that because we're so disorganised. We're like, oh, we don't know where we're going to be. Even though we know, we're going to probably end up going every year. And then we literally booked it the other day. So on the Centre Park's WhatsApp group, we're like, woo, booked it.

Can't wait to see everyone. And they're like, you've only. We just booked it. And we want to choose our chalet. No fucking chalet's available. No. Obviously we're doing it like a month before. I do really want to do the tree house.

Have you booked the tree? Have you done the tree house? No, the tree house is about three grand. Right. Okay. Yeah. Maybe not. No, we booked.

But if you see me there, just know. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity. We moved to the Woodland Lodge. And the cheapest one last year we had a three bedroom so that me and Stefan, Joseph and Sadie could all have our own rooms. Now, it was such slim picking so we booked it so late. We had to go down to a bedroom. They're all in the same room.

Be like Charlie the chocolate factory just top and tailing in the bed. Yeah. Two bedrooms. But that does mean that we're going to have to share with the kids. Just because it was the only one of... Well, you swap. Well, probably...

What we normally do on like holidays and stuff if it's like that is it'll be Stefan and Joseph, me and Sadie. Either in a bedroom together or probably in a bed together. Yeah, I was going to say, all four are you in a bed or you're in bed or you're in bed with the two babies and Stefan is living the life of luxury. He might be in the twin in the single. No, I'll be in... So we'll put Sadie in a travel court, but most likely she'll end up sleeping in a double bed with me. But I get nervous about stuff like that.

Because if you do it for a whole week, when you come back home, she's like, what the fuck? I want to sleep in your bed. Yeah, sleep in your bed now. And I'm like, sleeping in there. No, no, no, no. So we have downgraded to a two bedroom just because it was the only one available in the location that we wanted because we're stupid. And we can't get our shit together. And there was nothing available.

And I thought it's better to be in a more central location in a smaller lodge. But our friends that had already booked are in the number. neighboring lodge. Are you bike? Next door? Yeah. Stop it. Yeah.

They were like, we're in 296 and I was like, I'm just going to go and see what's available. And then I text them. I was like, hello neighbors. We're in 295. Is that too much? Yes. They were like, yeah, no, it is. Can you change it now.

Sorry, it's books. I paid. It's booked. Didn't get covered. Are you taking bikes? We don't take bikes. We hire bikes. Isn't this terrible, though.

When we used to go to Center Parks when we were younger, we just used to steal bikes from people that. I'd already like booked them. This was back in the day when like no one locked them up. So we should just like leave somewhere and just cycle off on people's bikes. When my mum and dad were here last week, I was like, you know we used to do that? Isn't that terrible? Do you want to put this live on air?

Well, my dad said that they would have just issued them new bikes if they said they got stopped with it. So like that one time, well, actually, we used to steal wellies when we went on the guide strip. Did you? My mum refused to buy us from me. The other children in the lodge. Yeah. And they'd go, oh, did you not bring wellies?

They'd go, yeah, yeah, yeah, we did bring wellies? And I'd just be like, oh, sucks to be you. Sucks to be you. I was, I was 10, I think. You just got to find something in your side. Please, it's awkward every year, mum. You don't buy me wellies. Can you just buy me wellies?

It's really awkward. She'd be like, take someone else's. No, we pay for our own bikes now. And we'll get a little trailer on the back for the kids. I also buy my own wellies now just for the record. I'm not nabbing no one's wellies. I think one year I got a varuka and my mom was like, fucking stop that.

Don't steal something. month's wellies, went bear back in the wellies, didn't I do. Oh, God. Raw dog in the wellies. That's gross. The thought of a sockless foot in a wellie. How sweaty they get in there. So rubbery.

Yes. Oh, wobble. So wobbly. So wobble me. But no, I don't know whether I need to be planning. What I'm doing, whether I'm hiring a hall, whether I'm having it at home, whether I'm flying somewhere. I won't be flying. That's not going to happen.

Yeah. No. No. So I don't actually know. Parry. Pari. Pari. On the train.

On the train. I don't even know. I've got no idea and I really need to pull my pants up and get that sorted. You were going to do an elemental themed party last year. Elemental was last year. This year, Pepper Pig? Can you have anything less? It's got to be.

The boy's obsessed. I've been, I've been Pinteresting though. Have you? And I've bought on vintage old wellies that I'm going to spray paint and have them as like centerpieces of the table. Pepper Pig ones? They're not pepper pig, but just have them as jumping all around him. So I'm going to make like little muddy puddles for like,

our little, whether we have like a dinner set up or whether we have a family thing with Roxanne and James and all the children and my brother and his wife or whether we have a... And then if we have two, like if we go away as a five and do something as a five or whether we all go. Yeah. Either way, I've started something but Wellies

that are not spray painted yet. Yeah, well, you're further ahead than me. I probably, like, that Centre Park's week always falls the week before Sadie's birthday. So like, I think... We have a little shindoo. while you're away for Sadie. Probably not.

No. You're not bothered though, are you? Would you do a party for Sadie or wait until she's... I'm not bothered until they're bothered. Yeah, really. And I just think until you can get away with it, I mean, even this year, because we didn't do a school party for Joseph because he's only just started. We only did a family party.

He was like, oh yeah, great. Now I had a really good time. But now he keeps asking us, when's my real party? The other day he said to me, am I for? Because I haven't had my party yet. Oh, Joseph. I was like, yeah, you are. And no, you're not getting one.

Nothing like just. just cut straight to the chase. No, obviously we're like... You're off to the Young Offenders Institute, I'm afraid. If you keep going on about this, she'll be off to the Young Offenders Institute. You can have a party there. With the inmates.

No, I obviously big up... I'm like, well, you know that family party that we had? And everyone was there and you got all your presents and I big up all his toys and stuff. And I'm like, and then we had the Turtles cake. And he's like, yeah, yeah. That's your party. And then he's like, what about my party with my friends?

He's like, I want so and so to come and so and so to come. Next year, honey. Yeah, I said, wait till you're five. And he was like, when's like, that and I was like, I said after, after Christmas and he went, that's a really long time away and I went, yeah, it's another 12 months.

Keep talking about it. Yeah. You know where you're going. Yeah. Okay. Oh, also, we got Joseph's ears checked. I don't know if I gave you an update on that. No.

He kept being like, what are you saying? Can't hear you. What? Oh my God, this is huge. Got the ears checked. They're referring us for a hearing test. Well, he said, I can't see anything obviously wrong. So that was good news.

But he was like, I don't want to be the one to say, so it was like, I will refer you for a hearing test. I was like, how the hell do you do a hearing test on a four-year-old? Because I've had one before. Have you done it? They have headphones and you have to press a button. Clicker when you hear the sound. Yes. I don't know how the fuck they're going to get on with that with Joseph. There must be a different one for kids. I don't know. Well, I've done one with Colby. Oh, have you? Yeah. Colby had one probably at the same age as Joseph. And it's the same thing with the clicker. Yeah. They just tap and click. I wouldn't trust his judgment on that for a four-year-old. Anyway, you shouldn't underestimate him. He's actually onto big

business at the moment, Joseph. I know, and I do actually think he might be a genius. I think he is a genius. So, yeah, so we'll see. But yeah, he's been referred for that. So I'll let you know more as we have it. He's getting a little bit better, but he sometimes is still like, what do you say?

What do you say? Can't hear you. So, I don't know. We'll see how we go. But I think the doctor was like, I think it's probably behavioral. And I was like, I think I'll probably agree with you. I don't think there's anything actually wrong with him. Well, that was our concern.

He's just not concentrating. Yeah. I don't think. But yeah. But he's good to get. He did really good at having the ears checked. I thought he was... Did they put the little thing inside?

Hello. Yeah, but I was like, there's no way he's going to sit still and have that done. But the doctor was really good. Did he... Did he threaten him, the younger? No, he actually took a different tack, which I thought was really good for a child. Joseph was holding his teddy. So he was like, I'm just going to have a looking teddy's ears and showed him what he was going to do.

Nice. I was like, oh, that's smart. We love an attentive doctor. And then he was like, I'm just going to look in your ear and see if there's any potatoes or carrots in there. So he made it like a game. That's really sweet. I hope they do that with me when I go. I know.

Imagine they did that. Do you want to check potatoes, carrots? Any potatoes and carrots in your ear, Sophia? Let me just have a little look in there. I think there might be a pee in there. And then Sadie was with me and she was watching the whole thing going on. She had her bunny as well. But obviously she didn't need to be checked.

And then when the doctor went to put his thing away, she was like, don't forget rabbit. So the doctor like role played along and checked rabbits ears as well. Oh, that is adorable. Don't you love it? When you get someone that's good with kids, you're like, you are. Yeah. Yeah. You get it.

You guys are rare. So bring you more on that as I have it. Thank you. What a wild time we're having at the moment. I know. So Emma and I really want to hear from you. Yeah, we want you to join us in the Secret Mum Club. You're welcome.

You can share your secrets with us, respond to what we've been talking about, or just say, hello. You can find us on TikTok and Instagram. Just search Secret Mumpod or you can email us. Hello at Secret Mumpod.com. Gang, before we get into your messages, can we just mention that we're doing another. Show! You're poo in your pants. Poo in my pants.

Straight up, turtle-headin. It's a big... Turtle-in. Rubber neckin, turtle-heading. Rubber neckin. We're going live. Yeah. For one night only.

One night only. One night only. We're going to Bush. Hall. My Bush. Do you want to come to my bush? Hall. Hall.

We're in Bush All. In Bush All. In Bush All in London on the 20 FMA. Yes, we are. Shall I actually bring my family this time? You bring yours, I'll leave mine at home. We'll do a swapsie. Yeah, we'll do a swapsie.

Yeah, we'll do a swapsie. We'll do a swapsie. Yeah, I might let them come this time. Now that I know the lay of the land, I feel like I'm more nervous this time though. Do you? And what if there was people at the first one that come to the second one that don't think the first one was as good as the second one or vice versa?

I think the first one was better than the second one. Well, I think if they're coming back, that's like a good sign, isn't it? I don't know. I return customer. But this one's bad. Bigger. This one is bigger. So, not too much.

Not too much. We're easing in gently. Yeah. Not too much bigger, but more of you can come. I'm excited. Party! Party! I'm excited.

You went deadly quiet then. Like I thought, are you not excited? I feel like the countdown begins now, whereas I'm just going to be a nervous wreck. All the time. All the time. Yeah, I remember it well. I remember it well. Like it was yesterday.

In fact, it was a year ago. It was over a year ago. Was it? Yeah. Wow. Time flies when you're having fun, doesn't it? It does. It really does. Yeah. So yeah, if you want to join us, tickets are on sale. And if you've got this far and you haven't already got a ticket, then what are you doing?

They might be sold out at this point. You never know. You can check the link in our social bios for more info. Emma coming in with the professional lines. I'm just being a tit. Official biz. Official biz. Okay. So it's time for the correspondence corner. Right, Emma.

Take it away for me, hon I. Okay, this says, hi ladies. I wanted to write in to hopefully give some reassurance to the anonymous listener who is 10 weeks pregnant with her new partner and has two older boys and is a bit worried about how the new bundle of joy will fit into their own. Do you remember this? Yes, I do. So it's quite a similar situation to yours, isn't it?

Very, very similar. They're same ages, yes. This says, I also have an age gap between my kids. My girl, Carys is 19. My second born Loughlin is 16 and our little whirlwind lathe is 18 months. I was terrified not only of going back to having a newborn and the sleepless nights, but also how my teenage kids would bond with their baby brother with such a big age gap. I can honestly say I had absolutely no reason to worry. They adore him so much and are both very hands on with him, even down to the odd nappy change.

It's the best thing ever watching that bond grow and thrive. So please don't worry, everything will be fine. Our little lath is the baby we didn't know we needed and he brings us so much joy every day. Take care, Lauren from Scotland. Oh, Lauren! So they would have been like, what, 14 and like 17. when they had baby brother. That is so wonderful, isn't it?

And they get stuck in with the nappies too. I think there's something so handy about having an older child. Like you think, oh my God, it's such a big age gap. I'm sure you stress about that a lot. But there's so many good things about that as well. I mean, caries can babysit now, for sure. She's 19. Yeah.

She's not done an epiphany the other day, right? I say this all the time. Renli was the baby that we didn't know we needed. Not just me and Chris, but dots and colps as well. Yeah. And I say, do you know, it's so hard. You know, when people say, oh, you done having children, you know, my brain says, yeah, you know, we are done. You know, the more babies, the more, you know, the more money.

And it gets expensive, doesn't it? But my heart, I feel like is so big to have 20. Do you think you could just keep going? I think I could just keep going. Yeah, could just keep going. Because part of me feels guilty about, like, the attention you can already give the children that you have if you have another one. Yeah. But I know, like, people say it just adds to the, like, just adds to the love.

Like, your heart just slows. It just goes bigger and bigger. And do you know what? I look at Renly and I think there was a time where I thought I was done with Colby and Dottie. And then I feel so much guilt because I look at him and I just adore him as much as, you know, I love them all equally the same. But I look at him and I think there was a time where we weren't going to have you. Another baby, yeah. Yeah, we were done with two, you know.

It was a surprise baby. We weren't planning him at all. And I feel so guilty when I look at him. Do you know what I mean? Does that make sense? Yeah, but you did have him. I know, but you know when you think, God, there was a time of my life when I said, I'm not going to have any more babies.

And then he came as a surprise. And I look at him and I think, God, you're not. You must think all the time. Imagine you never had a third baby. It's horrible. And this is what I mean. And then I feel so guilty when I look at him because I think, God, you're so delicious. Oh, it's just so wonderful.

And I feel so bad. And then you think, because I know now what you get and you know what to expect, how do you then say, no, no more now. I know. I know. Because what, the fourth one? But then when do you ever stop? I know. Oh, God.

God. Horrible game when they play with my mind. It really is. But Lauren, thank you. Oh, that's lovely, Lauren. Thank you. That is beautiful. So you can get in touch with us on anything at all.

Yeah, it can be serious or silly, and you can be totally anonymous. Because between us, we've probably heard it all before, and remember, We're all in this together, and we know that we are. We're all stars, and we see that. That was like, we were on helium. Yeah, I thought I looked at you and you went and fired you up. Oh, you spread you up a bit. Sped you up.

It's spinning it. Are you ready for my secret of the week? I don't know if I am, because you told me it's going to be quite a big one. So we had parents evening this week, and I didn't think about it, because we've always had such a wonderful parents evening, and I just don't think about it. And it just sprung up on me. We got to this week, and I was like, fuck, it's parents evening tonight.

I said to Chris, I just went on my own. It's the first parents evening as well. I've gone on my fucking own. Just you? Just me. I picked up Dotty and Colby from school. I thought nothing of it, just poodle off in my own little world, and they were playing outside of the classroom.

And I was like, oh, me too, just wait here, and I'll just go in on my own. And obviously, there's some really sensitive topics with Dotty at the moment. She's really, really struggling with friendships. It's really bothering her. So I wanted to go in, and I was kind of like not fired up, because her teacher is so wonderful. But I was kind of ready to get it all off of my chest

because it's really bothering, Dottie. And we haven't, we've been liaison with her teacher, but not really talking about everything that's going on because we're trying to manage it at home. Like I've said back with the football topic of Colby, I'm trying my best to manage it. I want my priorities to make sure that not only is my child okay, but also I have a really high priority to make sure that the other child is okay.

And whatever situation, in any situation with any child, I want to make sure that everyone is all right, not just my own child. So she's been going through some things with her friendship group at school and it's become down to one, just one child. I haven't been able to see the parent in the playground to sort of see how they are about the situation. I haven't seen them at all. It just seems to be that it's escalating worse and worse,

like her little friendship groups, to the fact that Dottie doesn't want to go to school. And from the bubbly little girl that we had in the end of year one, year two's destroyed her. Honestly, she's like a, like when she gets home, she's great, but when she goes to school, I just see her little sad eyes going in every day. So I was kind of like armed ready.

Like I need to, I need to sort this out. And I kind of went in and I said to her, look, I need something done about this. Because it's just not okay. Like I picked her up that day to go to parents evening. And she said, oh, I created a lonely corner today, mum, for all the children that are lonely.

And I was like, fuck, this is fucking shit. This is shit. So I kind of explained everything as best as I could. And I was like, my priority is to make sure that they're both okay. I want to make sure that they are both all right. But equally, Dottie is so consumed in all of this. I kind of need her to lean outside of that box and go and maybe try and get other friends. And then she, I just said, you know, I'm ready for her to go over to like junior school

because she goes to junior school September. And I said maybe like splitting up the classrooms will do her some good so she can sort of branch out and meet some other friends. And she said, oh, they're not swapping the classrooms. So I was like, oh, right, okay. this just honestly it went from bad to worse so i was like oh right okay then um i was like is there any way we can look and maybe put a request in to see if that if dotty can move move classrooms so when she goes over to junior school we can she can go to a different class and maybe because she's so wonderful at making new friends it's i'm not concerned about that that bit for her so she said we'll put the

wheels in motion but she said it's going to be quite hard for us to get that put into place for Dotty so let's get the wheels in motion and move her around in the classroom not just for Dotty i want it for the other little girl as well yeah i want them both to be able to branch away from each other because they're both so they're so alike and so similar that neither one is is backing down and i kind of need them to maybe be broken away from each other so that they can have time to grow individually yeah so that was kind of put on the put on the blinker and then she said I do have another topic I need to talk to you about. You know, my heart fell out my ass.

I didn't know what to think. And I was like, right, okay. And she said, we have high concerns that Dottie is dyslexic. I was just like, oh, and I was sat there. I just felt like I was sat there and she was like, you're not going to cry. She goes, you're not going to cry, are you? And I was like, oh, I'm severely dyslexic. And obviously I'm at the same schools as Dottie is going to go to

and Colby is at, that was my childhood, that's where I grew up. And I just instantly was like, fuck, I just felt like it's like a history. Repeating itself. Yeah, repeating itself. And I didn't have very good friends at school. And now she's struggling. And now she wants to put her forward. They've been so kind.

They're going to test her because they said they're concerns with, her going to junior school and it just been too much and it just flood in her. But she's like getting all right, isn't she? And this is what I said to her. I was like, oh, it hasn't been brought up before. But because she's not meeting expectations for her spelling and her writing, she said, I can now, I physically now can't put her as expecting because for her writing and her spelling, she isn't expecting.

And we have concerns around that. She said, I want to put her forward to be tested because if it does come back that she is dyslexic, I can put her as expected and we have something to fall back on to help her get the support that she needs to know for them to understand, you know, to know that, because her reading is phenomenal.

Yeah. Her reading's outstanding. Her maths is brilliant. Her mass is phenomenal, but the same with letters is she's getting letters around the wrong way. She gets numbers around the wrong way. Yeah.

And exactly like me is that she's getting words like lost and lots mixed up. And she's spelling words as they sound, which is what I do. I spell as I sound. Is that not normal for that age? She should be. So I never, and the only obviously comparison I have is I can only ever go back to Colby because he's the one that's gone through it. But I think I've noticed it at home.

Like we make cards and we write stories and we do a lot of crafting bits at home. And I think I've noticed it at home. So I've been like, oh, do we think that's the way? Like bed, we do bed. The lowercase beds is the pillow and the base of the beds. So we know which ways to do them. So we're learning to do things like that. And like don't look back.

The D goes backwards, but the B goes forwards. So it's little things. Like I learned when I was growing up and we've tried to do bits at home to support her. But I just don't think I want a drowning in junior. school. So she is a little bit younger than what they would. I think she said they test them at nine, sorry, test them at eight, but I could be wrong. You know, please correct me if I am wrong. I think they test them at eight, but she is, well, she was seven in September. So she'll be tested a little bit early. But the teacher's so wonderful. She's like, I'd rather do it now so that

we've got everything in place. Yeah. So that when she goes up to juniors, she doesn't get overwhelmed by it. But she did ask me, she was like, do you, you want to talk to her about it? and I don't know whether it's the right thing or wrong thing. I just said I don't think I want her to know. I just, if she has to be taken out of class to do some testing, again, I don't know the process. And it's hard because I never got tested in school. Yeah.

It wasn't until I was an adult that I got tested, that I, you know, had support in, in office-based jobs where companies supported me. I never had the support that's now in place for them to have. So I know it's going to be so phenomenal for her. Oh, it's going to be so much better. Yeah. just because you weren't supported at school.

It's so different now. Yeah. You were going through this 30 years ago. Yeah. And I just remember being in the same school and thinking, God, she's going to walk the same corridors. And I just hope she doesn't feel as fucking lost as like. Because all it was to, all the school ever said to my mum and dad was,

oh, Safina's a naughty child. Safina's disruptive. Safina likes to talk too much. Safina won't do this. Safina doesn't do as she's told. She wants to always go to the toilet. I literally was just known as the bad child. Yeah, because you checked out.

Oh, we've had to make her set out. outside the classroom again today because she couldn't listen. Yeah, but because I don't know what was going on. I've got to read a book in front of everybody and I don't know. I mean, it's got to be so different now. Yeah. Like, and it sounds like she's got a wonderful teacher. Yeah.

And there's going to be support in place. But I think you're probably right to until she's tested and you know what's going on to not want to start putting labels on. Yeah. Because that will make her feel different. Yeah. Again, I don't. And, you know, again, it's a really sensitive topic to talk about, isn't it?

And we've talked about things like labels and stuff before. But I just don't know that I, I don't want to look at it like that or say anything wrong about that because it is what it is. And we have to go through what we've got to go through to get children, our children, the support that they need. And I think I don't want to, yeah, I don't want to worry her. I don't think at this moment in time,

because we don't know. But I was just like, oh, is she, do we know it for sure? Or do we just think she's, she was, oh, I think she's pretty sure. Yeah. So no, it's been a really tough week. Sorry for that emotional. I think I've just bottled it up. No, I think it's totally understandable

because you're thinking like you don't want her to go through everything. I just feel guilty. I feel like it's all me. I feel like I, you know, I'm not the cleverest person. But I've done okay. And she's doing brilliantly. She's doing brilliant. Like, you don't need to feel guilty about you've done nothing wrong.

She's doing amazing. Yeah. I think the way they teach kids now as well. It's so different. It's not about being. clever it's about giving her the tools she needs to learn in the way that she needs to learn and it doesn't mean it's going to hold her back in any way it's going to be so much better than it was when you were at school all those years ago I don't think you need to worry about her

suffering in any way I think which I think is phenomenal because otherwise it's on paper you're meant to you know be learning a certain certain way and that's not how I learned you know I was able to teach myself as to what work best for me so that I could progress through life and achieve different things and if that's the journey that she's going to go on then you know I'm I'm supportive in whatever way you know as as long as she's doing it the best way that suits her I think that's the most important thing yeah absolutely just feel like it's so a little awful timing she's really struggling with friends and now but she's not going to know I said the head teacher deals with it and she gets I think she gets taken out in lesson time or if anybody does know the process or

you've gone through it I'd really love yeah I was going to say it'd be good I'm some advice. Yeah, yeah, to know as to what to kind of expect. Because she says, we're a dresser however you want to. And if it just means that we've just got to say that we're doing a little test for her, then that's what we'll do. Yeah. But I think she's kind of none the wiser.

She's just so happy. I think she'll be fine. Yeah. Yeah. I'm hoping so. But if she isn't, I'm, you know, I feel like I'm living proof that you can achieve anything. Done right. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. this week. It's been a wild week. I told you you weren't fucking ready. Sorry about that. That was a lot, wasn't it? No, I don't apologise. So now we've had the audio of my big secret of the week. We're going to get into some of yours after this short break. We got three secrets. We're going to be discussed. No. Every fucking week. We've got three secrets this week from you that we're going to be discussing with you from you and Emma. Thank you. Take it away, Emma. Okay, hi, Sophia and Emma. I've been a long time listener of your podcast and I absolutely love it. Thank you. I'm a 24 year old mum of two boys under five. I'm the first in my friend group to have kids and they just don't understand the pressures of caring for two tiny humans. So I've been feeling quite lonely lately. I know I'm incredibly lucky to have my boys, a supportive partner and good friends, but I still feel isolated and stuck in a rut. My days are so repetitive. University, placement, babies, house chores, cooking, you know the drill. I'm wondering if this is a normal feeling. I'm wondering if this is a normal feeling. and how I can make mum friends who truly understand what I'm going through.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, Abby. Abby's doing a university degree and placement, and she's got two children under five. And she's running a house. To me, Abby, it sounds like you're an absolute fan-dabulous person. Sounds like you're smashing it, Abby. You are smashing it. I mean, yeah, it's hard, isn't it, when you're the only one that's got kids? Yeah, it is hard.

And it's hard because you can't, unless you're a parent, you know, It's hard. You can't, what's the best way to word? You can't push that feeling on somebody or understanding. It's like the feeling of living, isn't it? Yeah. Because it's not your reality. They can't relate.

And they might be the best friends, but they'll never get it until they go through it. And then one day if they do ever choose to have a baby or do have a baby, you know. You can be like, I told you so. They'll sit there. Yeah, you sit there, don't you? And you're like, God, I'm really sorry. Yeah. Sorry I was that.

Yeah. Crappy, you know? Yeah. Yeah, no, you can't understand it until you go through it. I think in terms of meeting mum friends, it sounds like she's got a full plate already. Like, she's busy. But she might want the company, mightn't she?

But, yeah, I was thinking about where to meet them, though, between going to university and doing all that other stuff. But I think groups are always a great place to meet other moms if you've got time to go to them. It's hard. Like now I feel like I just make friends through the children's sports, you know. Hobbies. And then school.

school is hard because like at pick up. But I do have a really wonderful, really wonderful, my very good friend Portsmouth who I've met free football. And then I do have a really wonderful mum friend at Colby's school. So I am lucky that I do have wonderful friends. But my toddler, when Colby and Dotty were toddlers, I don't have them same friends now. No, yeah, that's interesting.

I also think it's not until they start school that you're seeing the same parents day in, out because even when Joseph and Sadie were at nursery, everyone's got different drop off and pick up times. So you would rarely ever see another parent, whereas now everyone's at the school gate at nine o'clock and everyone's at the school gate at the end of the day. So you do start to see the same faces and like chat to the same people. So I think, I know yours are under five, but I think when they start school or preschool, that will be somewhere to meet other parents. Mine have kind of moved with the time. Yeah. Yeah. So when they were at preschool, I had wonderful mom friends there and then we've all gone separate ways because we've gone to different schools

but I still talk to them and then yeah it's just progressed from progressed as they've gone on yeah yeah it is a tough one but I think before starting school it would be groups where I meet people yeah and like going to baby classes and stuff yes but yeah it is but if anyone can share any advice that would be really really wonderful yeah I'd really love that yeah and like I say I feel like You're absolutely smashing it, Abby. You are smashing. You're raising two small children and doing university and all the other stuff. It's a lot.

Incredible. I'm amazed by people that write in and go like, oh, I'm doing all this and I'm studying for a degree or I'm doing a placement. I'm barely making it through Tuesday. How are you fitting it in? But no, we'd love some lovely advice. Yeah. Love some lovely advice in to share on to Abby because it would be really, really helpful. And it's hard, isn't it?

Because some people want to have the company and then some. don't do they. So if you're looking for friends, it could really do with some advice. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Thanks, Abby. Thanks, Abby so much. Okay, let's have secret number two. All right. This one says, hi, ladies. I'm a stepmom to three girls,

17, 15 and 11. And lately, they don't want to come to our house at all. They have a pretty tense relationship with their dad, my partner. And there's also not a great co-parenting relationship with their mum. It feels like all of that spills over into our home. We also have a two-year-old daughter who the older girls have a great relationship with. We've genuinely tried everything we can think of, special days out, one-on-one time, trying to connect with them individually. But when they're here, they're distant, have bad attitudes, go straight to their rooms and spend a lot of time calling or texting their mum. The energy in the house feels really heavy and negative.

It honestly feels like we're forcing them to be here, and I don't know if that's doing more harm than good. We want them to feel welcome and loved, but instead it feels like everyone is miserable, including us. Do we keep pushing and enforcing time together Or do we step back? We have them 50-50 throughout the week And we've tried to encourage an open door kind of home But they still come and act like they hate it here Thank you so much for any insight

You both have a great way of making people feel less alone And I really need that right now anonymous Oh, God bless you What would you do? That's a tough one, isn't it? I mean 17, 15 and maybe not so much the 11 year old But there is a lot going on that. They're majors, tricky

They're big ages, they're big, there's a lot, hormones and everything flying around so they are big big ages yeah me personally I think you've done everything you possibly can and I know you mentioned at the end if you should carry on enforcing or whether you should take a back seat I feel like you've tried sounds like you're doing all the right things yeah sounds like you've really really tried like not forcing them to do anything just come and go as you please so maybe if you were to take your foot off of the pedal and maybe take a back seat and sit it out if they would then, but then it feels like you're playing games, doesn't it? Maybe then they would question maybe, oh gosh, has something happened or something's

gone wrong? But then you don't want to put the fear in them and worry them, do you? And I feel like at that age, like coming, not coming down hard on them, but like addressing it or trying to like have the conversation, me as a 17 or 15 year old girl would push me away even more. So, I don't know what's the best thing to do. Or you kind of. step back and then risk is you drive them further away because they're like, well, they don't want us there anyway or however they read it. Yes. It's a really tricky.

Because at the moment there isn't any more she can do. No. Because she's done everything and tried every avenue possible. I think you can just continue to be supportive and welcoming. Yeah. Yeah. So I wouldn't fully take maybe a backseat, maybe just, yeah, be supportive. Be there if they need you.

But yeah, it's a tough one. And it's hard to keep like. And the house are really uncomfortable for everybody. Yeah. And also, you probably feel like shit if you're like, I'm trying to do everything I can and all I'm getting is negativity. It makes you feel awful, doesn't it? You're like, why should I keep showing up then? Why should I keep bothering? But I think you've just got to be like, they're just teenagers.

And I think they'll get over it. But I think it's just the ages they are, a tricky. It's a tricky age. 17 year old me was rank. Yeah. I was a horrible 17 year old. Yeah. Vile.

And it might just be a couple of tough years. But I think you've just got to say. it out. Hard though. Yeah, it's hard. Yeah. They're literally, I'm trying to think if there is anything else you could, you could honestly do.

It depends on the kind of children they are. But yeah, I think like me and you were probably similar. I would have been like, any kind of intervention, I would have been like, no. I guess what you could do is offer them a space to like, if they want to decorate their room in the house, then they've got a space that they feel like they've had a say in, that would be nice to go to. Express themselves in there. Express themselves, you know, or if there's a meal that they really,

like eating that you could cook together and they feel like they've contributed and you've done something together it might make them feel like they want to be there a bit more yes because she has she has mentioned that she's tried days out and one and one time yeah but yeah maybe giving them the power some of the driving seat yeah yeah giving them the power that's actually great that's actually a great idea yeah try it but it giving them the lead a little bit yeah to take in a back seat yeah let them take control yeah because you can give somebody with control with them feeling like they have control but it's not do you know what I mean it's like what you do with toddlers you make them feel like they have control but you're actually outcomes are what

you want yeah yeah yeah well must work with teenagers too I mean it works for me and I'm 37 yeah yeah I mean if anyone has been in a similar situation it would be good to hear some advice yeah yeah and share it on yeah because it does sound like you're in a tough spot or doing I guess days out like doing things out that is of interest to them yeah like If they have a sport that they really enjoy or shopping or something, yeah, putting them in the driving suit. But it's hard when you keep like, I don't know if she feels like she keeps making suggestions and they're just like not engaging. That's hard to always be. Do you want something, do you want your favourite dinner?

No. No, I don't eat dinner. Don't eat your food. It was ranked. Yeah. That would have been me. Yeah, I know. Do you look back and you think.

Why? Yeah. Why do I want to decorate my room? I don't even want to be here anyway. Exactly. I would have been a nightmare. That would have been me. Yeah. And it's hard to play in the scenarios in my head. I know. And it's hard to feel like you're being rejected all the time if you're like offering up ideas. I do get that. Like that. Do you want to be seen me? I know. It's hard. But also it's, you just need to keep engaging with your partner who's their dad. And I think, you know, just. Do you have a good relationship with the children's mom? Yes. Do you, how's your relationship? She said there's not a great co-parenting relationship between the dad and the mom.

That's what I mean, but I don't know how her relationship is with the other mum. Yeah. Yeah. It's a tricky one. Thank you for your message. I think, yeah, it'd be good to hear from someone who's in a similar situation. If there's anyone out there there is. God bless you.

Thank you so much. Right, let's have our last secret. Okay. Hi, Emma and Sof. Ashley's story about her son weeing in front of a restaurant window, had me laughing and cringing in solidarity because it reminded me of our own potty training disaster. Do you remember this one? Yeah.

We just started training my little boy and I was determined to be one of those calm, organised mum so we went out for the day with no nappy, spare clothes packed, confidence sky high. We were in the supermarket when he suddenly announced very loudly, Mummy, I need a poo now. Before I could even respond, he squatted in the middle of the cereal aisle like it was completely normal

and said, It's okay, I go potty now. I froze, other shoppers froze. A very kind but alarmed staff member appeared out of nowhere. We abandoned the trolley. I carried him out mid-incident and I've never returned to that supermarket

without feeling a deep sense of shame. Oh, bless him. He's now seven, fully toilet train. Thanks for that. And reminds me regularly that I told him to listen to his body. Love the pod, Bridget. Oh, Bridget. Who seven?

He's like, Mom, you're the one that told me to listen to my body. I need to know, did he pull his trousers down and just literally poo in the middle of the shop or was he just squatting with trousers up so he just went straight into the bands? I don't know. That's what I mean. I don't know which one's worse to try and clean up. But then you had a change of clothes. Oh, my life. It's okay. I'll go potty now. Oh, and the worker coming up. You're right. Everyone just stop watching him have a poo in the middle of the aisle. Oh, bless him. Oh, wow. I'm glad he finds the humor in it now. I know. This is hard. Oh, God bless you, Bridget. We've all been there. We have all been there. Kind of.

I did it last week in Tuscal. I met with our kids, but you're sure. Gosh, yeah. You gotta go when you gotta go. So thank you for sharing your secrets this week. Everyone is welcome in the Secret Mum Club. If you'd like to share your secrets with us you can, the email is hello at Secret Mumpod.com or with Secret Mumpod on TikTok and Instagram. Has your little one had a supermarket squat? Or do you have any advice for us from today's topics?

Then let us know there really is nothing too outrageous. Keep an eye out for our Thursday episodes. And we'll see you next time on the Secret Mum Club. Love.