Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The In-Flight Entertainment

Episode Date: October 1, 2024

The ladies are soaring high now that the podcast is available in the skies! To celebrate, Soph has brought in some fitting attire. Emma is in full pre-holiday prep mode as she gets ready for a month away, while Sophiena reveals a spooky family secret! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello this is the secret mum club i'm safina and i'm emma and this podcast is a safe space for mums everywhere a safe space to share our secrets because we all have secrets don't we we do and as we know sharing is caring you don't even have to tell us who you are you can get back to yourself you can be anonymous all those secrets can be serious or silly all secrets are welcome in the secret mom club i did one line we did it i did one line without looking you you pretty much get it every time episode 78 what the series two series two series two bitches we've finally done it series fucking two this is a wild one this week, isn't it?

It's a big one. I am shitting my pants just a little bit of you. I don't. I can feel it in my bum hole. I feel it in my vagina. No, you're nervous, aren't you? There's a lot of pressure in the ass. Yeah, yeah.

I'm not going to lie. So yeah, should we get into our exciting news let's i feel like though there is i've got something though oh there's what i'm gonna add to the excitement of this exciting news not only for you and me but for our incredible listeners okay who truly get us to where we are today right okay so you're gonna have to sit tight there okay okay right Okay. Right, bear with. Okay, here we go. Here we go.

God. I'm coming. Right. Oh my God. This is the surprise. But do not fear, I have got you got you oh thank you so much so you must put on your outfit and join me in the cockpit the cockpit the cock pit i'm just gonna sit here and chill okay i've got to put this on now and come back i need to talk into the microphone so i got carried away

with my estuaries i've got to do fishnets? No, I don't think fishnets came in there. You can leave your trousers on. Okay. I don't want to flash my vagina, you know, to the camera. Okay. I hope this doesn't ruin my hat. Can you see my hat? Smashing.

Okay. So right, off you go and get dressed and then we'll make this announcement together. Okay. You and me. Inserting stewardess emma drinks and snacks can i get you anything from the trolley trolley today oh i need my ipad nuts anyone anyone that's not watching this needs to... You need a visual. You need a visual. I feel like this hat is very Thunderbirds Are Go. Isn't it?

Hey, Scott. Hey, Tracy. Captain Tracy, at your service. Thank you for this. You are so welcome. Very polyester, isn't it? I feel like I'm the gift that keeps giving. That's why I told you to wear your trousers.

Yeah, these skirts are very short. I've rolled mine up twice as well. Have you? Like I used to at school. Get it right, hitch it right up. You didn't need to do that. I've didn't, I left mine full length. Yeah, it's because you're a nerd. Well, I just thought it'd be more effective on the camera.

Okay. Right. I think we're ready for the announcement. This is a hint. So this is a hint to our announcement okay the secret mum club is officially available up in the skies we are now part of the in-flight entertainment on british airways and air lingus flight what the hell catch an aeroplane And listen

To the secret mum club Honestly Isn't that the wildest thing That is insane I feel like I've made it I phoned my mum I was like mum I've made it I'm on BA

I'm on Aer Lingus I'm on in flight I'm in flight entertainment I'm not even doing it on the ground anymore I'm doing it in the air I'm in the air We're part of the Mar High Club now. People are giving blowjobs on the plane to our podcast.

We've spoken about that so much and I can't believe we're now part of it. We're now part of it. Oh my gosh. What in, but in all seriousness though, honestly, so much thanks.

And I say about this a lot on my social media, but so much thanks goes to every single person, male, female, grandparent, mum, auntie, no babies, whatever your situation may be. So much thanks goes to every single person, male, female, grandparent, mum, auntie, no babies, whatever your situation may be.

So much thanks goes to you because honestly, we wouldn't have any of this if it wasn't for every single one of you. Our amazing listeners. I don't want to cry because, you know. You're on the edge today, aren't you? I'm on the edge. Yeah, our listeners are incredible

and wouldn't have any of this without you. So thank you so much. Thank you, honestly, with everything we have in our hearts because truly without all of you, we would not be here. Soph wouldn't have me dressed like a fucking air stewardess. Like an idiot. I think she looks great. I told her she can't take it home for Stefan, though.

No, God, you've got to keep your hands off me. Irresistible. You can ask him for some hot nuts. Can I get you any hot nuts today i'm worried i'll go up don't stand close to a naked flame you'll be up oh he also i can't take you seriously what captain tracy but we would love to ask that if you do fly ba or air lingers that if you can tag us please because it would mean the absolute world to us and we'd honestly be desperate we're so desperate to see some of you listening we want to get the first one yes we want to get the first one as to

please tag us please send us a picture tag the secret mom club tag me and emma wherever you can send it to us email it in in. Whatever it may be. Please, please do share it. Because honestly, we're literally on cloud nine. We are. We're in the clouds. So tell me about your week. We've been great.

I will say though, this episode is pre-recorded. Just before we get into it, isn't it? Yeah. Because it's... You're going to talk about Dotsie. Yeah. It's her birthday. So we just want to let

you know this episode is being recorded before her birthday but won't come out until a couple of weeks after yeah her birthday is it her sixth birthday is her sixth birthday so we've had an exciting event for a week because not only have we gone back to school i've had a party plan and i feel like i've trumped all birthdays so i'm doing like a combination as much as it triggers the pack in nation that i do colby's and dotty's birthdays together because well dotty's always seems to be on the week that she goes back to school or maybe the day of or the day before yeah and colby's is right in the middle of the holidays so they don't really tend to have any friends or anything around in the holidays plus being right on top of school it's a lot so i tend

to just do them like a little party together until they get bigger and they have their own friends and so forth yeah so i've decided to do like a combination of colby's birthday dotty's birthday my nieces is in october early october and my dad's early october okay so we're going for like a full whammy yeah we are going to life-size monopoly i'm so fucking excited about it where is that in tottenham court road in london what yes i didn't know that was a thing yes i would love i love monopoly i love monopoly and you know what it does say on the website actually that it is suitable for children nine plus but i messaged them can i just add absolute phenomenal service so incredibly helpful and just they were just incredible so we've booked that we'll go in the

weekend and we actually message them to say she is only just turning six can she do it and they said as long as she's happy and like monopoly is like something that she loves they'd be more than well happy to welcome and does she love it she loves monopoly is like something that she loves they'd be more than well happy to welcome her does she love it she loves monopoly good monopoly's huge in our house a little bit competitive in my sister's house because we've got not only we've got me chris and the babies my sister her husband the babies my mum and my dad again not to trigger the nation my brother's not around that weekend because people always say to me where's your brother where's your brother and wife they're just out seeing the world.

They're children free. They're living their life. Footloose and fancy free. They really, really are. So we're not only doing a monopoly lifestyle. I can't get my fucking words out. We've also booked to go to the Tiny Chef. What's the Tiny Chef? It is a virtual experience on your table.

So it basically is a projector over your table and you watch like a little tiny chef create virtually all your dinner meals what do you mean virtually though so the food's not so you watch like well you watch like a little video and then obviously while it's being made in the kitchen and then they deliver and you have this whole experience in a restaurant with the tiny chef oh my god when you initially called it little chef i thought you were just going to one of them restaurants at the side of the road.

We used to say that on the way up the motorway, Little Chef on the left, get it right. Little Chef on the right, get it wrong. Oh. Because if we used to see a Little Chef on the right, it's the wrong side. You can't get over there. But if it's on the left,

I used to love a Little Chef, didn't you? I used to love a Little Chef. They used to give you those lollies on the way out, those orange lollies. And always had colouring crayons. Yeah. Loved that. And the little marshmallow man.

Have they gone extinct now, little chefs? Or are they still going? I don't know, actually. Let's find that out. There's a little chef near you. Or there used to be a Wimpy, didn't there? Did the Wimpy take over the little chef? No, they're different things, I think.

Yeah. Wimpy on the side of the road? Yeah, on the motorway. Oh. On the services. You'd go past a Wimpy or a little chef. Oh. So we have got i've

i feel like that sounds great i've cracked it this week i'm so excited yeah i would be to be honest with you that's consumed my whole week yeah well has it at least been like cheering you up from the back to school misery it really has kept me really busy yeah and obviously we've been out and we've been getting her some little presenty bits and it's nice as much as it's been really horrible i i don't think i haven't really spoken about it previously with everything that's been going on. But obviously we've had episodes that have come out before this one that are obviously a little bit further on than this episode. And I haven't really wanted to speak about, you know, the return to school because I do find it really, really hard. But the lead up, I didn't think Renly was going to be phased by it.

I felt guilty in my heart that I was taking the babies away from him. Yeah, taking the other two away from him. But he actually felt it. Do you think he knew? Emma, I shit you not, he fucking, every time he was awake, he cried. And then he just slept.

He literally had like a four and a half hour nap because he'd exhausted himself out from crying so much. Never in my life have we, he's never ever cried that much and i was literally heartbroken and i was like i can't do anything so we put a film on and we just ordered in a wing stop and we had a little lunch together and we watched some chicken wings no he does this now it's really funny when you go to put some ink in your mouth, if this is me, he does this. Yeah. I put this in his mouth and tries to get it. Especially because he's already eating food.

Like Sadie hasn't been weaned yet, but she is also like so interested in everything I put in my mouth. Like if I like take... Drinks. Really does this. Drinks. Oh my God. I had a pint at the pub the other day. She nearly bashed it out of my hand because she's like,

get me. Give me that. If I have a cup of tea, she's like, her eyes literally follow me. Like, what are you, what the fuck are you having? What are you having that you haven't given me? How dare you not share that with me? Fucking hell.

So no, that was a bit savage. We've had lots of time with Renly on his own. Oh yeah, that's nice. It has been really, really nice. Although it has absolutely ripped my heart out of my chest. It's too painful. I don't feel like it's getting any easier. I thought it was meant to be fucking easier. Yeah are you now year one and year three we are year one and year four four yeah yeah still still just as bad it's still yeah it's not getting easier

this shit is so fucking hard they're all right though they like it don't they colby is i i think i've spoken about it on instagram colbyby is struggling a little. Not with the academic side, just with the detachment from home. Yeah. Yeah. He is really struggling with that. He just doesn't like to be. He feels like he, I think he feels like he's missing out.

Yeah. On something at home, but he's not truly. That's literally. You and Renly watching. Horror movies with Chrissy. Yeah. Because they find that fucking hilarious.

They do. But no, other than that, it's pretty much... She's zero fucks. She walked up to the... I'm in the studio today so Chris has done the school run. She went to

the playground today, got her rucksack under the pram with her raincoat on, put her hood up, put her bag on, just walked up. So her class is like up a little bank so she's got to walk up some little stairs. So she just went up to the door and just stood there by herself in the rain with her hood up just glaring at chris as if to say go what the fuck are you doing why are you still here you're embarrassing me don't get the fuck away didn't even say bye to him no fucks given she's loving

it yeah that's good she's absolutely living her best life so yeah not really much exciting for me i think there's something about second kids that are just like because i yeah i didn't like going into school my mum said my middle sister was just like see ya just ran away yeah just didn't care so you'll be like that yeah joseph will be like mom don't leave me so you'll be like if i can get Jojo? What are you? Go stroke a cow. Won't you take me to fuck a cow? Won't you take me to fuck a cow? Such an iconic episode. Still one of my favourite episodes. Such an iconic episode.

So no, not a lot for me. Well, I say not a lot. It's been a lot, but not a lot. Well, it's just a lot of change to get used to, isn't it? Yeah. Now we're on Project Garden though. Still? Yeah. Well, we had to stop for of change to get used to, isn't it? Yeah. Now we're on Project Garden, though. Still? Yeah.

Well, we had to stop for a bit, didn't we? Because the heat was too hot. But we now need to get the turf down. But it's fucking raining. I know. That's what I need. Because I've got to lay some turf. I can't have it when it's like 64 degrees.

Do you need it to be raining? Yeah. For turf? To water the turf. So it grows. Yeah. Because otherwise it will dry and shrivel up. Yeah.

Stefan's furious because he's been tending his lawn. And we're about to tending his bush and we're about to go away aren't we? Yes. So it's all going to go to rack and ruin.

I feel like there's a lot of announcements in this episode. Yeah. Because there is the exciting announcement of We're Now in the Sky.

We're in flight entertainment. Yeah. I fucking that won't ever that won't ever feel normal to say you always wanted to be cabin crew so this is like almost a dream come true uh said this to mads this morning is that i i wanted to be an air stewardess there's a slight issue i'm scared to fly yeah that kind of was out of the window those two things don't really go together no this was

my childhood dream like i'm living my childhood dream right now as to be, I just wanted to be one of the little ladies that comes down the aisle with a trolley, duty free. Do you know what this, I've got a bit of an issue with what this costume was called on the packet. Did you see it? No. Trolley dolly outfit.

Oh, you've got an issue with trolley dolly. You can't, I don't think you can say that anymore. Are we not allowed to say that? I don't think so. Because also there are air stewardess men. Cabin crew that are men. Yeah, there is. Cabin crew, I think, is the proper term.

Cabin crew. What was I saying? Air stewardess. Yeah, I think that's okay. It's like actor and actress. Yeah. Or air hostess. Cabin crew.

Yeah. We're repping for the cabin crew. Obviously, what if somebody who actually works for BA is listening to this? Or Aer Lingus. Or Aer Lingus. If you fly for either of those in your cabin crew, please let us know. That's wild, isn't it? And send us an outfit that's better quality than this one.

£12.50 or £5. I'd appreciate you. Appreciate you. That was a love gift, that was. Soph got me this. I did. So, no, yeah, lots going on, but not really much going on.

Yeah. My head is firmly rammed up my ass. To be fair, this just says it all. This should take the whole episode today. Shouldn't it? If you're listening and not watching, we're wearing... We're wearing a red fetchy number.

It's a little bit low cut on the chest. And very high rise on the skirt. Emma rolled hers up hussy um we're showing some cleavage yeah it's it is slightly itching my armpit yeah it's making me sweat is it yeah she's a sweaty one that one but we're dressed as cabin crew but we are dressed as cabin crew yeah because we're in the air you should know we should know but how's your week been obviously this is the highlight of your week is to see me. This is the highlight. And be dressed as cabin crew. Yeah, it's been a good week.

I've been, I think I have mentioned before that I'm going on holiday. You have. Because you were slagging me off for how long I'm going to be away for. I'm holding the ship or the aeroplane for the fucking both of us now. Yeah, you are. You're flying the plane for both of us. She keeps saying three and a half weeks. I was alliterating three and a half weeks. Four weeks. Well, four weeks I'll be away from the

podcast, but it's a three and a half week holiday. Do you know what? That sounds really indulgent, but I never really go on holiday. And I just thought, why not go for an extended period of time now that I'm on maternity leave? Yes. I've got no babies in school. No, we can go outside of the summer holidays. And Stefan is self-employed. And you won't get fined. I won't get fined. He can luckily choose when he works. So we just thought, why the hell not? My sister. No one here is judging you.

Apart from you. Harder than me. I'm joking, but not really. I'm slightly nervous not to have you though. Well, I'm nervous to not be here. Because you might realise that you can do this without me. And then I'll be sacked without a job.

Like last time when Chris came in, I'm going to lose my job. I'm going to lose my job. No. I wouldn't sack you. No. But I'm nervous like,

I better sign a new contract. Stat. Yeah, but you had a good job last time, didn't you? He did do a good job. Yeah. I think it's nice, isn't it? It's nice to have a dip. Like there'll be times when i go away that you'll have to

hold the force i was i don't i said that just to make you feel better um i'm not leaving the country on an airplane exactly but if ba or air lingers would like to offer us a flight i don't need to take off i'll sit on the runway yeah just so i can do some content on the airplane yeah revealing the podcast i don't want to i don't want to go in the air i don't want to even take off yeah i'll come on your flight yeah but no in all seriousness yeah so i'm about i feel bad because i've made you know everyone at the podcast work extra hard for the last two months you're worth it truly just so that i can go on holiday but it's like a once in a lifetime thing it's not going to be happening very often probably never again for this long well you never know take the i always say live for the moment take the opportunity opportunity when it's

there yeah it's because you just don't know no you don't know where you're going to be at tomorrow so i say cease the opportunity and take it and it's there we're going to miss you terribly thank you i don't miss you is this the last record today yeah yeah before I go getting a whole family ready for a holiday that long

yes obviously I'm in charge of it in our house because I can't delegate because I'm a control freak so I'm in charge of everything and hence why she's still on the podcast

a year later it's very stressful yes making sure you've all got everything or you know what your sports are in day you know you've got what's with just for the family day out i have to wake up not i have to but i wake up i like to make sure everything's in place but i wake up get all three babies dressed yeah bottles ready and set for the day the kettle the formula not i don't take the kettle out but i do the kettle water in the bottles.

Formula. Snacks in case the babies need them. I also do have a change of clothes in case of change of weather or mishap or whatever. And then I get myself ready. I'm always the last to get ready. And then Chris just gathers in the hallway with everybody and they just watch me until I get ready.

But Chris has only had himself to get ready. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But then stands at me and is like, are you ready to go? We're pushing it a bit. What do we always say? Behind every well-dressed child is a mother who looks like shit.

Looks like she's been dragged through a hedge backwards. That's me. The states I leave the house in, it's embarrassing sometimes, but I just don't have time. It's normal though. To me though, that's normal. Yeah. Because I just think the children will always forever look stunning yeah and then i will just yeah look like shit and i love it when you

see another mom out who clearly has had the same thing yeah and you give each other a little like nod of recognition you're like you know you also didn't have time to clean your teeth this morning i feel you yeah um but yeah i've been getting holiday ready. So I've had a little tidy up downstairs. She had a bumhole wax. I went for a bikini wax, but she... You should have done a Hollywood. Take that all off. I did a Brazilian. Is that what you have?

I used to. I don't have it anymore. I've got way too many hemorrhoids hanging out my bumhole. To have a wax? Yeah, no. What, you wouldn't go to the salon? I don't want to share those with anybody else. They've probably seen it all before

probably but I'm you know haven't seen mine they might be different yeah to anybody else's hemorrhoids they might be yeah Percy the pile

Harry just hanging in my bum hole Harry just hanging out the back of me go on go on Harry as far as I know I haven't got any but she I didn't volunteer for her

to see my bum hole bum hole I went for a Brazilian and I thought normally they are quite thorough, but I had hot wax, not the wax strips, which is really hot when it goes on your skin. And you clench your bum cheeks and your bum cheeks stick together. Well, mine do.

I'm just like laying there having the normal bits done. And then she's like, do you want to do the back? I'm like, sorry. She's like, yeah, just roll over onto your side. I was like, well, I want it to be thorough. Did she ask you to put your hand to pull your bum cheeks apart? Yeah. And you just sit there and I try so hard not to fart.

Not to let any air come out. And you can hear it when you put your, I used to put my bum cheeks back together and you just. Like a let down balloon. Sorry about that. There was a lot of air backed up in there it's because you're pulling your bum cheeks

so far apart and then the wax is like pulling your bum cheeks so there's naturally air is just going in and out

of your bum it's like an accordion and then all when you stand up you don't know if it's coming out the front or the back

you're like literally like a marching band and you've got to hold on you've got you have so much control to hold on to that because they're whipping the wax off your butthole oh god the thought i just can't anyway i'm as clean as a whistle now she didn't do her legs though didn't get my legs done i don't i only wax my bikini line i shave my legs my legs look like brillo pads do you normally get

yours waxed no i used to have wax and now i don't. It's just something I don't have time. No, no. I barely shave them to be honest. To be honest, who's really seeing my muff? Do you know what? Well, that's the thing. I actually haven't had anything done down there since my cesarean when they did have to get the industrial clippers out to hedge trimmers. Yeah, because it was in the way of the baby. It was so out of control. Obviously, she's five, six months old now. So it's been a while while you've got some good growthage down there yeah wow did she have to trim it before she could wax it no she didn't and i said to her is it want me to trim it i always know i always thought it was the longer the better when you went for a wax because like the it's easy for the wax to grip onto the hairs but she actually said no if it's post six more than six weeks growth it's actually harder quite hard i said this is six months hun so get to work she went in she went in hard but now i feel i feel you feel a million dollars

slippery you feel like you can put that thong thong thong thong thong thong thong thong bikini shake your booty yeah that's right i'm excited to see your pictures oh yeah yeah can't wait to see you i'll put some thirst traps on please please i love that you just bust out in a thong it literally gives me the most life ever. Well, I'm going to be on holiday with my sister, who wears the skimpiest of bikinis. She's a dancer. Yeah.

You said you all get your thong thongs on. I don't think my older sister. Yeah, he's in a thong, obviously. He's in the Borat get up. I don't know if my older sister's into a thong bikini, but my middle sister very much so. She's got a phenomenal body though Oh yeah

Yeah To be fair we've all got phenomenal bodies Everybody's body's phenomenal Everybody's beach body ready I don't know what it is I just like a bum hugger I don't know A knicker

Yeah I do like to but I don't want it to like cut my bum cheeks No you want a full I need a full load Full coverage Yeah Full load on the bottom The other thing we're trying to do on holiday is potty train Joseph.

Go for it. Because I feel like it would be a good time to do it when he can just be like outside, not wearing much. Free and easy in his little pants. If he wheezes on the floor, it doesn't really matter. So I'm hoping to get that done. But what concerned me slightly this week was he pooed in the bath and it freaked him out a bit because he never normally sees his poo because

it's in his nappy oh yes so he pooed in the bath and i thought this might actually be a good thing because i'll be like that's what your poo is going to look like when you go on the potty he was just like i think he was grossed out by it the two things he said it's too commentary on the poo in the bath was because all the water had gone out as well i said you can get out the bath now there's no water left he was like i'm doing a poo poo sometimes he just says that to like buy him a bit more time so i was like are you actually or what next time i come back in the room he's pooed in the bath okay and he said one is stinky okay i was like yeah it is and then he said two looks like rocks it does look like rocks i said yeah does. Hopefully this will open your eyes to what

your poo is going to look like in the potty. Yes. But I said before he went, do you want me to get the potty? You can go on the potty. He said, no. I think I've been going like slowly, slowly, catchy monkey with it. Like next time you need to go, tell mummy, do you want to go on the potty? And I think actually now we just need to be like, just don't put a nappy on him. Just go. Don't talk about it. Don't go balls to the wall. Just do it. Go full load. I'll let you know how we get on. I'm excited to hear about this. This is huge.

I think three weeks is enough to like break the back of it. Isn't it? It's a huge step. It takes seven days. Well, my friend said she had her kid done in four days. Yeah. Well,

Colby, but they, I think the statistic, they say seven days, seven days. Okay. Colby was five. Okay.

Yeah. We'll see how he gets on. I reckon you can do it. All right. I reckon I have full, full faith in you. Full days. But Colby was five. Okay. Yeah. We'll see how he gets on. I reckon you can do it. All right. I reckon I have full full faith in you. Full faith. In Joseph?

Yes. He's not a very adaptable boy. I think they're out to surprise us. Emma and I really want to hear from you. Yeah. We want you to join us

in the Secret Mum Club. You're all welcome. You can share your secrets with us, respond to what we've been talking about or just say hello. You can find us on TikTok and Instagram. Just search for Secret Mum Pod or you can email us hello at secret mom pod.com right

again we're just going to alliterate we are in the sky okay this is why we look like cabin crew we need to keep mentioning it because if there's a if there's a clip you need to know why okay i feel like we could take these on full time you know these honestly like work wear these cabin crew yeah PPI it's gonna be our uniform yeah our uniform

it's time for the Correspondence Corner Thursday's Correspondence Corner was slightly scary so I'm a little bit scared it was disgusting

disgusting you have to go back and listen to Thursday listen back it was a wild one so Emma'm a little bit scared. It was disgustan. Disgustan. You have to go back and listen to Thursday. Yeah, if you haven't heard it yet, listen back. It was a wild one. So Emma, take it away. All right. This one is from Anonymous who had, oh, we just mentioned this, Percy the Pile.

Yes. The hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid. Mine's Hazza. Harry the hemorrhoid. It says, ladies, as much as I'd love to say my name, I really can't. My son's childminder listens to the podcast and I'm terrified I'll end up on some sort of register. Fair, fair.

This was the woman who was on a night out with her friends, rolling around with their baps out, queefing away. Yes. Piles aplenty. Yes. And we were like, what a legend. Please let us know who you are. Because we need to party with you. We can't. We can't. She can't tell us. All I can say is I'm 33

and I'm from Southampton. Big up the homegirl. Maybe you can find her. Fuck. She needs to hook me up. We need to go out. We need to go brunch. We can share piles.

Yeah. Slide into Soph's DMs. Slide into my DMs. Deep in the pile DMs. Oh, she says, if you ever want to go for a 10am bottomless brunch, hook me up.

Queefing. Optional. Fucking yes. Yes, please. Let's do it. Emma's away for four weeks. I need some entertainment. She needs a friend. Fucking yes. Yes, please. Let's do it. Emma's away for four weeks. I need some entertainment. She needs a friend.

You got a friend in me. Oh, I think you and her would get on like a house on fire. I think we would. Yeah. I think we would. Sounds like a riot, doesn't she? Yeah. Yeah.

Those Southampton girls are wild, aren't they? Wild. Something in the water. There is. There is. Also, we are wild in the fact that we got crazy piles. Yeah. Yeah.

Everyone down there. What's going on down there? It's a hospital. Pick up the princess Anne. All right, I've got another email here. It says, hi ladies,

love the pod, but I wanted to message in about Safina's Instagram story about her tea tails not absorbing water until they're about six months old and by then

they're already stained. Yes. Are you moaning about tea tails? Yes, I was. Them fucking bastards don't soak up any fucking water. The brand new ones. The brand new ones. And then by the time you get them to a state where you're like,

fuck, this tea towel's good. The fucker's so badly stained. You can't get the fucking stains out for love nor money. Do you know what really pisses me off about Stefan? Again. He uses the tea towels to like get food out of the oven and such like. Yeah. So they end up

with like pasta bake stained all over them. I'm like, that is not the piece of kitchen equipment to be doing that with. They fold the stain into the tea towel

and just place it back on the sides. So great, now I've washed up a lunchbox with a bit of last night's back bowl. I'm drying my hands now

on a bit of crusty old spaghetti. Yeah, cheers. Tuna juice. Fucking hell. Men. Anyway, we digress. It says, a little tip, now on yeah a bit of crusty old spaghetti yeah cheers tuna juice fucking hell men anyway we digress

it says a little tip towels shouldn't be washed with fabric conditioner what because it stops them from being absorbent just use washing

detergent and tumble dry them for fluffiness love Gabby in Norfolk UK so fabric softener fabric softener doesn't soften your tea towels. Fabric softener stops them from being absorbent. Just use your usual detergent and tumble dry them.

I don't do that. I hang mine on the line and they are a bit crispy. I do tumble dry them. Do you? Is that going to stop the stains then? She's just talking about making them absorbent. No tips for stains here. Yeah.

Well, thank you, Gabby. Thank you, Gabby. I'll have to try that. Thank you, Kim and Aggie. The only problem is, is I put them in on a white wash with my white washing because I do a little bit of a ace bleach wash. Yeah. Get the stains out.

I wouldn't be able to put fabric conditioner in my clothes. No. You're going to have to either wash them separately or stop using fabric conditioner. I will take this on board, Gabby, from Norfolk, UK. Yeah. I will take this on board and I will do a dedicated wash just to my tea towels just for the tea towels

yes get them in the tumble dryer get them in the tumble dryer with a bit of Ace white bleach see how you get on okay appreciate you God bless you though

imagine listening to the thing and them writing in I know blows my mind honestly we keep saying it but you really are the best you really are the best so you can get in touch

with us on anything at all yeah it can be serious or silly and you can be totally anonymous because between us we've probably heard it all before and remember we're all in this together and we know that we are we're all stars and we see that we're also in the skies this is the secret mum club the safe space for us to share our secrets are you ready for my secret this week i can't wait it's not really too much of a secret this week it's just really really hilarious okay also what's hilarious is that i'm still sat here in this outfit

and emma is having to feed sadie So she has de-outfitted. I've de-robed apart from my skirt. So I'm sat here like an absolute plonker. Why are you dressed like that? Because we're available in the sky. We're in flight entertainment, but I've had to... She's ground.

Emma's basically the entertainment for the ground. I'm in the sky. I'm the ground, you're the sky. I can't fully commit because I need to... ground I'm in the sky yeah I'm the ground you're the sky I can't fully commit because I need to to see you in the sky to see you in the sky

I need to feed this baby she does need feeding my secret this week is absolutely hilarious so we obviously fully back in the motion of school we're fully back in the motion

of football yes the weather has been very very erratic hasn't it and you know we got Colby a drogerant yes because he's struggling he's been struggling with a few spots on his head Yes. The weather has been very, very erratic, hasn't it? Yeah. And you know we got Colby a Drodron. Yes.

Because he's struggling. He's been struggling with a few spots on his head. Oh. So I've had to, not only have we upgraded from the Drodron, we've also gone to a face wash. Oh. So it's been a couple of days and I thought, oh, I don't know what to say to him because he is starting to be a little bit smelly. So obviously we bought him links africa yeah um and i said to him so a couple of days passed and i didn't know how to bring the topic up because i didn't want to make him aware of it and i said to him oh have you have you been using your drogeron

he said yeah yeah i've been using my drogeron i really love it and i said oh that's good then I said oh um have you have you put any of that no he goes to me um I haven't he goes oh have noticed though mum I am still a little bit smelly I don't know if the Drodron's any good and I said how how often you putting it on like you put it on in the morning do you and you put it on after the shower and he just looked me dead in the eyes and went well no and i went what oh i said oh maybe it was i said sorry it's probably mummy's fault i haven't explained it very well i said oh you you put it on in the mornings every morning you put it on after you've had a shower maybe just before you go to bed or you know just freshen yourself up a bit and he like, the packaging says it's last 48 hours.

Oh, so he's only doing it every two days. Oh, don't. I said, God, shoot me down. You clever fucking bugger.

So fucking clever. But I said, oh no, darling, it means it's given you 48 hours of protection in case you clever fucking bugger. Yeah. So fucking clever. But I said, oh, no, darling. It means it's giving you 48 hours of protection in case you were to need it. Maybe like you were doing a marathon or something like that. Or at a festival. You're away for a weekend and you can't get to have a wash. But I said, when you're having a shower in the mornings and in the evenings, you would

you'd obviously just washed it off. Yeah. He took it like an absolute champ. You know, when you're just like, and I was in the car with him on my own. I wasn't with Chris. I was like, how do I even approach this situation? But bless his heart, he was a real,

it's hard, isn't it? Like, I feel like bodily odours as we're growing up. It's really hard. It's a hard thing to talk about. Like when your mum used to say, oh God, you stink. You'd get really embarrassed, wouldn't you? Yeah, I think it's really good that he's spoken to you about it so openly actually because it can be really embarrassing it can be really embarrassing and obviously we've gone through a little bit of a process of he's got like his little t-section of his head oily and he's really like chris he's

really oily so we've had a few spots so he said to me the other day come down with a big white head on his head and he was like oh mum what do i do about this so i was like oh we could put like a pimple patch on it so we put a pimple patch on it for a little bit and i was like he was like oh do you know when you pop down spots on his back can you give this a squeeze and i was like oh yes i got some did you i like anti-backed my hands and i was trying to do it really carefully not with my nail but like with the yes i don't know people will come for me and say don't pick his skin but he didn't he didn't want it on there. It was right there. And there was no pressure at all.

So it kind of just come out and cleaned it up. But it's just funny. I just didn't know how to say to him, like, you're using that deodorant because you are. You smell hot. And so I just remember I went home to Chris. I said, I don't even know what I said. I was absolutely just. And it was the fact that he just roared at himself oh bless him but he's do you know what

to be fair that makes total sense he's read the packaging yes the packaging says 48 hours yes it's only because we're conditioned to know that you put it on every day that we're not even reading what the packaging says yes how's he supposed to know that he's too little to understand that it washes off yeah he just thought he sprays it on and away you go for 48 hours. Also, those advertising claims are BS. Like, there's no way. Mine says 72-hour protection. I'm like, I'm sorry, I'm not putting that on once every three days. No, absolutely.

What if you shower? Yeah. I thought that was if you don't have a shower. Oh, yeah. I don't know. I don't know why they even put that on there. To be honest, I don't really know what that bit means. It should say, like, every 12 hours you should put it on.

Just spray it. Yeah. Just spray it whenever you think you need it. When you're feeling hot, when hours you should put it on. Just spray it. Yeah. Just spray it whenever you think you need it. When you're feeling hot, when you're a bit smelly, just spray it. Also, did you get him a,

because some deodorants, I don't know about Lynx, but they're not actually antiperspirants. They aren't antiperspirants. So did you get him one that's actually going to stop him sweating?

Yeah, we got him a little roll-on. Nice. So because the roll-on is unscented, because again, I worry about him being a little bit

allergic to things. Yeah. We went with just an unscented roll-on. Yeah, roll-on., I worry about him being a little bit allergic to things. Yeah. We went with just an unscented roll-on. Yeah, roll-on. And then the links to make you kind of smell nice. And then the links. Yeah. It's more like a body spray, isn't it?

Yeah, it sprays all over his body. Yeah. Yes. Nice. But I just said to him, you know, we need to just up the. Up the frequency a little bit. Up the frequency a bit. Yeah, yeah.

So there we go. But he took it well. Not really. I feel like it's a secret because I feel like it's a big, it's huge for him. Like to us, we can find the fun in it. Yeah. What is the word? The humour.

Yeah. Whereas I just, and it is hard because I didn't know how to approach a situation. So if it can be something that someone can find comfort in speaking about it, you know. But yeah, that's my secret. So he's getting a little bit hormonal then with his with the oily skin as well yeah i think he is a little bit and i don't know whether it's if his is classed as hormonal with regards to him he's he's a little bit out of sorts at the moment i don't know whether again if it's the return to school or he seems to be getting a

little bit frustrated with himself and he's getting he's getting cross at himself i think that's hormones yeah i don't know whether he's getting a little bit frustrated with himself and he's getting cross at himself. Do you think that's hormones? Yeah. I don't know whether he's getting a little bit frustrated. Like he just doesn't have his patience. It's a little bit more. On edge. Yeah.

Yeah. But maybe. There's a lot of change been going on as well though. Yes. A lot of change to school. Yes. So it's a lot of everything. Oh, Colbs. There you go.

It's quite a sweet secret. Yeah. Bless him. It did make me laugh though. I'm not going to lie. So it's a lot of everything. Oh, Colbs. But there you go. It's quite a sweet secret of the week this one. Yeah, bless him. It did make me laugh though, I'm not going to lie. I fucking roared in the car. Just says every 48 hours. Just by myself and I come home to tell Chris

and I was like, you missed a fucking cracker. It's like the time I missed pizza dick. You missed a 48 hour protection. So that's my secret of this week. So now we're going to get into some of yours. We've got three secrets we're going to get into some of yours we've got three

secrets we're going to be discussing this week so emma do you want to take it away with number one all right this one says hi both my child aiden four has an imaginary friend named benny that's so funny that's my sister's husband's name oh his name's benny yeah stop benny apparently has very strong opinions one day benny decided that he didn't like peas. And because Benny didn't like them, Aidan decided he didn't either, which is a massive shame because peas are his favorite. Oh. I was in a bit of a rush as we had my husband's sister and her partner coming around to stay

and I didn't want to waste his dinner. So I spent a whole 10 minutes in the kitchen trying to reason with Benny, the imaginary friend, about Aidan having the peas with Aidan being the middleman. Oh, my God. How frustrating. After 10 minutes, I realized that I was trying to win an argument with a ghost and losing. So I gave Ian and cooked him some more chips from Mel. Oh, Mel.

How adorable. That reminds me of that film, If. Have you seen it yet? No. I think, well, Joseph is definitely too young for it. I would say Dottie's maybe too young for it but it's a very very sweet film it's definitely one that i would happily watch as a grown-up oh my god about an imaginary yeah it is about imaginary friend isn't it mad the things that we do i'm back to answering the fake phone oh yeah friendly yeah yeah and i have to pass the

calls to him i'm now his pa yeah not anymore his mom he's checking emails in his little table i'm now taking fake calls he like passes me the phone now and i'm like oh hiya just whips it just whips it away just does this um but yeah i'm back in the era of the fake calls i find imaginary friends quite spooky because yeah they're basically our ghosts aren't they someone that your child sees well you know we had all of this thing with dotty didn't we about her speaking to grandma dot my mum's mum did you yeah if i never told you about this she speaks she used to speak to spirits when she was little oh my god have i've told you about this have you yeah she used to speak to spirits in our house oh my god but now renly just keeps randomly gargling and smiling while in dotty's bedroom the true people that have been here for a very long time will know that we've been on an absolute journey with Dottie.

She's spoken to my uncle. She's spoken to my grandma. She's spoken to my mum's nephews, my great nephews. She speaks to everybody. But Renly now is starting to do this crazy, like really giggly laughing only at one point of the room though there'll be no telly on in the room and i'll be in the conservatory and he'll be in the lounger and dotty's room and he just starts wailing away laughing away oh my god i don't know whether it's a sign you know i could just be looking into it but the fact that she saw them

in her room and he's just in there he's really content in that room as well so it's like a good thing it's not a good thing. It's not a scary thing. Oh, yeah, no. It's a nice thing. Yeah, yeah. They've never scared Dottie. Dottie's never been afraid of them.

She just used to, when she was little, have conversations with them. Wow. And she used to get angry because my granddad and Grandma Dorothy used to argue. So she'd come out of the room like, ugh, Grandma Dorothy's arguing with Granddad again. Is that because she's heard you talking about it? Or she's just, we've never spoken about it on our own.

When she first started talking about it, I've never told Dottie about, never told. And she was telling my mum things that my grandma had told Dottie. Yet my mum, only my mum would know, not even I would know. And my mum was like, this is very, very weird. This is going to blow. I was pretty sure we've spoken about this on here. Maybe we have. Maybe it was a while ago.

I also, I'm not really, I don't know if I believe. You're sceptical. Yeah, I'm quite sceptical. I don't know if I believe ghost stuff. I was sceptical before Dottie started talking. And she just come out of the room one day. And then my mum's nephews, so my great nephews, she just named them. She come out of the room and i was like

i've never spoken about them yeah and they used to argue in real life and then when they have passed on they argue in dotty's room but i think the older she's getting she's she's blocking it out a bit more now yeah but yeah i don't know friendlies he just won't be imaginary he'll be talking to me grandma yeah yeah yeah i'm totally with mellies these won't be imaginary I'll be talking to my grandma yeah yeah I'm totally with Mel on the food thing as well

like sometimes you've just got to give in and just give them what you know they're going to eat yes just for an easy life for an easy life

yeah you've got to do what you've got to do for an easy life but we appreciate you Mel thank you Mel for normalising that it's okay

to just give them more chips because we're all doing it just give them the chips just give them the chips. Yeah. Because we're all doing it. Just give them the chips. Just give them the chips. All right. Not going to hurt them. Fed babies are happy baby. Happy babies are happy mum.

Yeah. Happy wife, happy life. Yeah. It's an all-rounder for me. So should we take it away with number two? All right. This one says, Hi, Emma and Soph.

Got an awkward question for you. How do you have the talk about where babies come from with a five-year-old? My eldest daughter is five, and when I was pregnant with my now 15-month-old. My eldest daughter is five and when I was pregnant with my now 15-month-old daughter, she kept asking how the baby got in there and how it would come out.

I didn't have the heart to tell her the truth, so I said it was magic. But now that I've had a baby boy who is nine weeks old... Oh, congratulations. She's asking again. She's recently seen her auntie's cat have kittens, so she's convinced babies come out of our bums.

Oh. Okay, not far off. Not far off. How do I explain this without completely terrifying her? The same goes for periods. She's terrified when she sees me changing pads. How do we talk about these sensitive topics at such a young age? Thank you so much.

Love the pod. Jasmine from Andover. God bless you, Jasmine. Andover, that's your end of the world, isn't it? You said Andover. Andover. Andover. Andover.

Andover. Andover. Andover. Andover. Andover. Andover. Andover. Andover. Andover. Andover. Andover. Like Andover. Andover. Andover.

Okay. Andover. In Hampshire. Is Hampshire, yeah. How did I bring the topics up? I think Colby mainly broke the news to Dottie. Yeah, about the babies. Yes.

I think Colby used to say that babies come out of your bum yes but i think the older i got that the older they've got probably dotty has known for a while but i've just sat down and explained to her yeah that there's a special seed that gets put into your tummy that not everyone can put there that's what i said only daddy can put there and it's a really special peer i said no children can't have them children can't eat them it's a special seed that daddy

only daddy gives to mummy did you say when mummy and daddy have a special cuddle no I didn't go that far but I just said

it's a special gift that daddy gives to mummy okay and only only your daddy can give it to your mummy yeah no one else

unless you're like an IVF baby yes but I guess you would manipulate yeah that's how I've explained it. You'd make it fit your story.

Yeah, fit your story. Is that your tablet again? No, it's just my phone. Don't worry about it. And with regards to giving birth, again, I think I've been really honest. We're a family that talks about periods. Yeah, you're quite open, aren't you? Yeah, I don't tend to shut the door or like stir

away from if i need to go to the toilet and they're in there yeah i just kind of get onto it and just sort of dust over well we know that they bring your pads to you so they're fine about it if they've ever asked me i've always just been really honest and said that grown-ups it happens to grown-ups it's nothing to be scared of it probably is quite weird for you to see for the first time like your mummy because you initially when you see blood as a child is panic it's bad because you're in pain yeah because it hurts yeah so i just when it's ever happened or they're in the bathroom and they ask i don't ever put it on them i just wait for them to ask yeah just say it happens to mummies yeah that's fine and i've always said that without mummy not having her periods we can't have babies i wouldn't have

been able to have you and colby that's how i've always explained it or you know colby and dotty yeah so whenever i've explained it i've always just said you know it's something that mummies have yeah big big grown-ups have and we have them so that we can have babies like you and your brother and that's that that would that's the easiest way that i've ever explained without over complicating yeah the situation you don't need to be too biological about it so I would say there's a way around it to not make it too scary or too complicated yeah and then with regards to giving birth I straight up said it comes out of your vagina it does come out did you say that yeah I have I always I mean

Joseph's obviously very young but I just used to say there's a baby in mummy's tummy. I think it was easier to tell Colby because Colby didn't have a foo-foo. Doesn't have a foo-foo. So he was never scared by it. What did Dottie think about it? When I told her, she was like, I'm not having a baby out of my foo-foo.

Yeah. I was like, well, some ladies have it out of, out of their belly. Yeah. She's like, yeah,

yeah, I'm going to have that. Yeah. She'll tell you she'll, she's having them out. She's having a cesarean. Yeah. She's already decided.

She's not going to give birth. Yeah. But I think sometimes if you can put it polite, like put it away for them to understand, it then comes across less scary. I think it's hard as well. And always I think honesty is the best policy. Yeah, I think being honest is good.

Like you don't want to sugarcoat it or give them wrong information, but you also don't want to be too graphic. Because she is only five. Yes. i used to have a book called where do babies come from yes which i loved reading when i was little and that was quite good i don't know if it still exists because obviously i'm old but that was really good at um explaining explaining it but like you're not too graphic away you know so that still exists maybe maybe have a look yeah but yeah i don't know if that's any of any help to you yeah but that's basically what we've done you're not there yet though with jojo

are you no i mean he barely understood that i was having a baby to be honest yeah and when i came home with one he still only did it isn't he was furious yeah they're getting a little better now though yeah yeah but we appreciate you jasmine i hope that's helpful yeah thanks jasmine but what a clever little girl i know and i'm very insightful. They ask a lot of questions, don't they? We're at the why phase now. It's little girls, though. I feel like little girls are so inquisitive. Maybe they're more interested than little boys.

I don't think boys really care. No, we'll see. Oh, she's gone to the toilet again. Cobby never used to leave the toilet, never used to leave the telly, whereas Dossie just follows me everywhere. Yeah. Maybe I'll have this with Sadie in five years.

I like, you know. Yes. Right. Do you want to take away with the last secret this week? All right. This one says, hello, Soph, Emma and the babies. I have a hilarious story about my daughter who is now 10. When she was about two, I took her shopping with a friend.

She was sitting in the trolley seat and we were halfway through the store when she started loudly shouting with a cheeky grin. Help me. I've been stolen. Help me. You're not my mummy. Oh no. Oh no.

She thought it was hilarious, but I was mortified. I had visions of being arrested and having to show her birth certificate, baby photos and her red book to prove she was mine. And for some reason, I couldn't stop nervously laughing while trying to hush her. Looking back, I'm slightly concerned

that no one actually questioned me, but at the time I was just relieved. Amber. Oh my goodness. What would you do? When she was two, how does she know to say all that stuff? That's wild, isn't it?

That would be Joseph now. Yeah. That's my phone. Yeah, he would, he'd get me into all sorts of trouble. He'd give zero fucks. Oh my goodness. I don't think he would know to say that stuff.

How does she even know that? I don't know. How, where has she got that from? I don don't know she must be watching like hostage movies or something catching up on some nighttime thrillers i will find you i will come for you yeah find you and i will kill you oh god that one bit you went in yeah yeah liam nielsen isn't it liam neeson neeson neeson neeson great film that oh yeah that is absolutely iconic can you imagine was she with her little friend she i think the mum was with a friend yes yeah i took her shopping with a friend i don't know if the friend was adult whether the friend was too oh my gosh was it a baby friend or

an adult friend i don't know maybe it was with her friend yeah that's what it sounds like oh my gosh that is absolutely iconic has that happened to anybody else? Yeah, let us know. And also the response is like so telltale. She's like, yeah, that's what you would do if you actually had kidnapped someone. I would generally be so scared. Yeah. Well, you took it better than me. I would have fucking shit my pants. I don't think I would have ever left.

You took that like an absolute G. I would have been out of there. Bundled her into the car. That looks even more suspicious. Quick, before anyone sees you. You've got to laugh them off though, haven't you? Yeah.

Awkward situations, you've definitely just got to laugh off. Worrying that no one questioned it because if that was a real hostage situation, no one gave a shit. No. People just don't want to be bothered by other people's problems, do they?

It's like, you know. People don't give a shit. That happens when you're out in a shop. You're just like, oh, I'm just trying to go about my day and you're asking someone for help yeah everyone's just like keeps their head down yeah nobody lives the amount of times that people have saved or helped a situation by when somebody said i need help and people have stopped like you know when you're on a plane and there's a doctor you know you're the kind of person that would always

stop to help and i'm the kind of person that would never carry on walking keep myself to myself yeah could have missed a kidnap situation you've missed it that was probably you in tesco that that would always stop to help. Always. I'm the kind of person that would never carry on walking, keep myself to myself. Yeah. Could have missed a kidnap situation. You've missed it. That was probably you in Tesco that time. Was it even Tesco? Any superstore?

Wherever our Amber was, Emma just ignored you. Sorry about that. This is eight years ago now. She didn't even have children of her own then. This baby hasn't been kidnapped. She's just not happy. So thank you for sharing your secrets this week. Everyone is welcome in the Secret Mum Club.

If you'd like to share your secrets with us, you can. The email is hello at secretmumpod.com or with Secret Mum Pod on TikTok and Instagram. Have you had a heated discussion with an imaginary friend? Or has your little one almost got you in trouble? Then let us know. There really is nothing too outrageous. And keep an eye out for our Thursday episode.

And we'll see you next Tuesday. On the Secret Mum Club!