Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The James Blunt Trump

Episode Date: September 24, 2024

It’s that time of year again! The winter clothes are making their comeback, which means plenty of shopping trips for the ladies with a measuring tape in hand. Sophiena’s getting down with Renley��s trumpets and James Blunt at the same time, and we hear about one mum on a mission to fill in for the tooth fairy. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello this is the secret mom club i'm safina and i'm emma and this podcast is a safe space for mums everywhere a safe space to share our secrets because we all have secrets don't we we do and as we know sharing is caring you don't even have to tell us who you are you can keep that to yourself you can be anonymous and those secrets can be serious or silly all secrets are welcome in the secret bum club don't tell me about your week or shall we address the leaky nipple again well i think we need to address it my nipples are leaking again she looked at rendley and her nipple leaked i haven't got sadie with me today and i looked at i literally glimpsed Renly and my boobs went. Because I was around a baby.

We were also just saying about how phenomenal boobs are. They're so clever, aren't they? Adam was actually categorically stating. He just goes, boobs are so interesting. Boobs are amazing. I also think they're amazing. They're amazing and interesting and incredible. I love them so much.

So yeah, because she's looked at Renly, the boob has let let out so i've had to just say to renly stop looking at me god stop making eye contact with me you flirt i can't look at you anymore tell me about your week still going on isn't it still not ready to talk about the school no yes word the s word we're still in it we're still trying to find our feet i feel like it's it's a lot harder to get back into this one i actually said on my instagram that i actually feel really guilty like i feel like i've taken the babies away from renly and vice versa yeah i feel like i'll go back to school now because i've got renly like it's i didn't think i was going to feel

like that because obviously we had him yeah when we were on a holiday didn't we we had him in the march and that was a holiday yeah so we got him but I feel like this one because it's been so long I felt an insane more so than ever an insane amount of guilt to just go yeah off you go now I've got him now I don't need you like yeah is that really weird yeah and I didn't think I'd ever feel like that because they're so much bigger and they've been going to school for a long time I didn't think my thought process would go there but I feel like I've taken away his little bit of fun because he adores them so much that's the hard thing now like what are you gonna how are you gonna entertain him he's all right at the moment isn't he because he's only what we now six

months old no but I'm I find this bit actually quite hard. Like their wake windows get longer and I'm like, I don't actually know what to do with you. Like they can't play really yet or like watch TV or read a book. They just kind of lay there. But then you feel bad like not doing anything with them. So I'll just be like singing and dancing

and like shaking a rattle in front of her face for two hours we've been lucky at the moment sorry keep hitting my muff we've been really lucky at the moment the weather's been beautiful hasn't it so we've been out in our little swing in the garden yeah so it's good because I can put him in the swing while I'm doing he's obviously in the walker as well really and he's learned to go backwards so he just reverses his way back up the deck and then i turn him around he reverses his you know i get a good 10 minutes of that yeah that's the thing you do something for 10 minutes and then you're like right i can get the washing out what's the next thing and then i puts him in

the swing i kind of rotate him around all the toys yeah and i think he does get eat but then really still he's still a big sleeper so even though their windows are meant to be bigger i think because he's doing so much when he's awake now. He's still having all of his normal naps. He's getting tired. How long does he stay awake for? Again, he's only awake sort of an hour. And then he goes back to sleep.

Yeah, maybe two hours. What a lazy little slug. Maybe two hours at a push. Definitely thought you were going to call my son a slut then. No, never. Same as Dottie when she was very different. Yeah. I would never.

I just, yeah, it's just a lot. I'm feeling a little bit out of sorts. Like I feel like it's a lot to get back into the whole return to school. Yeah. And this time has just been harder. Don't worry, it'll be half term soon. It will be half term soon. Yeah.

What are we, October half term? Yeah. Yeah. They come around so quick. Faster than ever before. Yeah. What are we? October half term. Yeah. Yeah. They come around so quick. Faster than ever before. Yeah. Like so freaking fast. When I was at school, the terms felt quite long.

But now that I'm an adult, I feel like the kids are always off school. Always. It feels like they spend more time at home than they do at school, which I'm loving. Which you love. Yeah. Yeah, I do love it. I have also, though, started buying some summer, some winter clothes. Have you? And I bought them in though, started buying some winter clothes. Have you?

And I bought them in 9 to 12. Friendly. How disgusting is that? I know. Well, we're on the 6 to 9, 9 to 12. But when you're thinking ahead to autumn, winter. Yeah, because I want them to go through December. Yeah.

And then we tend to have a really cold January and February. Yeah. Yeah. We haven't been in summer clothes that much with our babies because we had. No. And the summer's been so awful. We haven't been in summer clothes that much with our babies because we had. No. And the weather's, the summer's been so awful. We had like one good stretch. I feel like August was quite good.

Before that, she was still in jackets. We've moved up now. We're up to three to six. Are you? She's in, yeah, three to six. Not in the six to nine. Too long on the legs for us. Yeah.

Because he's. Although I am noticing, Renly's got a really long body and dinky little legs a long torso he has which none of neither of the other two had so that means he's um because he gets this a bit as well like when you pop the vests when you do the poppers up on the vest it's really tight they're tight so he's a six to nine vest yeah but a three to six trous suit because his legs fill it his legs are short but then the arms I've got to roll the arms up

arms are always too long I feel like whoever designs kids clothes the arms are always too long even on Joseph now I still have to roll up all the arms

do you? yeah oh okay I don't think I ever remember doing it for Colby and Dahl maybe they've got long arms

maybe or maybe Joseph's got short arms who knows it's such a broad range like I feel like Joseph now he's in two to three.

But I'm like the difference between a two-year-old and a three-year-old is obviously massive. Huge. And the variation between shops is massive. Yes. So like some two to three trousers, I'm like they're not going to fit him until he's like four or five. Also, have you noticed that H&M does clothing different? Yes. So just one to three years.

One to three. Yeah. And like the months are like two to four yes four to six lindex as well do you ever buy stuff in lindex it's really nice but i think it might be european sizing because i think they're right a european brand and they also do that they do it by like centimeters okay it'll be like 28 centimeters i'm like what is what is that what's that in months haven't got an idea what's that English? I've got a tape measure on my car keys. Have you?

Yeah, I have. That's handy. Keep it. It's Fat Max. Actually, it's not. It's a Stanley. For measuring babies? It's normally for DIY.

But, you know, if I've got to measure a baby, Greg, because I'm like, oh, this is 80 centimetres. What is that? Yeah. Hard to know. Not that the tape measure would say, oh, that's one to three months. Yeah. I'd love it if you had the conversion on there.

That'd actually be a really handy invention. That would.'s invent it but no it's um it's a lot and how's um because a lot of my friends are going through a sleep regression with their babies well a lot of them went through it at four months i'd say sadie's having it around now around five five six months we're nearly on the door six months now i'm shattered how's renly doing don't tell me he's fucking sleeping through the night eight till six he sleeps seven till six at the moment we've been seven till seven back on the school runs he's getting up later which is throwing me out because normally he's up sometimes he's been getting up at five six which is great for me because then because you get up early anyway so i can get up do his bottle and then he goes back to sleep while i'm getting the other two ready so now if everybody wakes up at seven o'clock it's like a fucking military operation now it's a bit of a rush it's too much yeah it's too much so it was we were

getting up at five having a bottle he'd be awake till probably about seven he'd go down for a nap then i'll be able to get the other two ready yeah that's all changed yeah he's sleeping through to about six, seven. So it is a little bit up in arms, but no, I will say he is. And we have insider information. We've transitioned back into his next to me bed. Although he is hitting the top

and the bottom of the next to me bed. He's in between you and Chris? Oh no, he's in his crib. Because I want to get ready for him to transition him into the cot yes and plus he is starting to roll over and obviously that is extremely unsafe for him to be in the bed with us and him rolling over so i'm using using my brain so i decided to move him into the next to me bed yeah but he is the whole length of that we've obviously established there you haven't seen him for a while have you he is a long boy long body short legs long body it's all

body little dumpy legs yeah um but he is the whole length of the the chico next to me but we have we we're back in him sleeping independently in the bed now so that's now that's really good i feel really good yeah because i feel really good that we're gonna i didn't want to do six months i was happy to have him in with us for a year as you know very aware that we live in a two bedroom slash three bedroom bungalow so my thought process is that we are going to split dotty's room into two because obviously now all there's no toys in the bedroom all the toys are now out in the playroom yes so it's literally just a place for them to wind down and all sleep in their rooms story time's in there so we've looked at like a bifold door yeah to go across the middle of the room so during the day we can pull it back and it

opens and fresh air can run through and then it will shut at night time where they both have their own personal space for them to be able to wind down and chill yeah obviously because they can't share a room being a boy and a girl when dotty turns seven so that's just going to tie us over for a little bit i think yeah um but i think he's going to have to go into his own bed because chris is so loud yeah i have to like hit him and i'm like shut the fuck up snoring so far that doesn't even wake Renny up. Me shouting at Chris? No, because Chris has already woken him up, snoring him.

Snoring and he's waking him up and he wakes up and he's like, sorry, was I snoring? Yes, you've woken us all up though. We were going to do the six month transition into our own room like we did with Joseph, but I feel so bad because to do that, we've got to kick Joseph out of his bedroom and he sleeps so well so well i was gonna say the boys are gonna share aren't they what are you how many bedrooms are you a three bed only three yes so what's gonna happen you have your own room stephan has his own room currently we don't share a bed um and sadie's in with me and then joseph's in the nursery but obviously sadie's gonna have to go into the nursery joseph's gonna

need one of the rooms and then me and stephan i'm fuming you won't put the boys together you won't put joseph in with stefan i don't think it'll work just having could you go back in with stefan and leave her in that room to go in the car or yeah or we do me and stefan in a room and sadie has her own big when was the last time you slept in a bed together? Actually last night because Nanny and Grandad are here so they needed the bed. Whenever we have visitors they have to stay obviously. Is it weird sleeping? We don't make them go like me with my mum Stefan with my dad. No.

I imagine. Is it weird sleeping together? Yeah because it's obviously quite rare. It's quite unusual. My mum last night was like you know you should you should go back to sharing a bed with my mom last night was like you know you should um you should go back to sharing a bed with your husband I was like don't shame me mom I I love it like we might never go back and she's like no but you should though she's like you know my mom and dad don't share a

bed well she's like what about you know your relationship I'm like I'm over it mate I've got the relationship is on the rocks I've got my two kids um yeah if he goes I'm done it, mate. The relationship is on the rocks. I've got my two kids. Yeah, if he goes. I'm done. I was like, mum, there's nothing I want more than sleep. All right. Just back the fuck up, sister. But that is going to have to happen, which is quite annoying.

Me and Stefan are going to have to share again. And also what's annoying for him at the moment is if he has to come in with me, Sadie's up in the night. He gets woken up by her. There's just no point in both of us getting woken up. It doesn't make any sense. But you don't want to upset Jojo

because he's doing so well. I don't want to upset his routine by having like either me or Stefan sneaking in and out. That's not really ideal. No. Then say, because I spoke about this

I think somewhere on here or Instagram and someone messaged me saying they put their baby at seven months into like a big floor bed. So we could do that with Sadie and put her straight into the big bedroom yes leave Joseph in his room but I just think the bigger he gets

that actually doesn't make sense because a he's going to outgrow his car and b he'll outgrow the room because it's tiny it's like a box room yes but when I've raised it with him he's like bless you thank you he doesn't say that he goes oh but i really like my room and then he said is sadie gonna go in my car i said yeah she will go in there eventually he goes i really like my car i think he's really upset about it so i don't see i'm the guilt i wouldn't take him away from it i don't really know what to do and i don't want to mess up his sleep obviously he sleeps all night so maybe you could sleep on the sofa leave stefan upstairs i'm also not willing to make that sacrifice so we'll see colby asked to share with renly and i get all the time why are you putting dotty and renly together and not putting the boys together

because obviously dotty's bedroom is huge and i can divide it and they can both have personal space rather than bringing colby out of his room whether one i would have to take colby out of his room because boys can't share upstairs also there's so much of a bigger age gap between renly and colby like colby is going to be nine yet next year when renly is one and he is fully in school obviously we're fully aware of that he's going through very hormonals like he's we've had some little spots and we're wearing drogeron i just don't feel like i want to put that pressure onto colby to be like oh i've got my one-year-old brother in my room with me do you know what i mean because eventually

like he's going to be like 12 or 13 renly's going to be like five yeah and i just don't want that for them and at the moment the room split is only going to be temporary. So it's only going to be for maybe a year or two max before we try and do the extension or if we move, I don't know where we're going to be. So being that if Dottie was to have a friend sleep over, we one have the flexibility of one, shut the door and she still has her own room and nobody knows that that bit's there or two.

And then Renly could sleep in with us. Or he's in there, he's out of the way and he's not causing anyone any trouble. Do you know what I mean? So it is hard. I think people don't really understand the method of my madness. But he is also the eldest. Yeah. And the same as you have with Jojo.

I don't want to take his own personal space away from him. Dotsie really loves to share. She loves having like, she'd have me and Chris in with her every night if she could or she'd be in our bed every single night whereas Colby actually really enjoys like he doesn't mind you lying up there with him but he'll be like you can go downstairs now because I'm happy and he likes his own space he does like his own he does say to me I'll happily share with Renly and I think oh I love that his thought process is there but i just don't yeah there's a big age gap in the long run i totally get why that doesn't it doesn't really

make sense no but we're both in a similar boat that we're like we don't have much space and so we've got to try and work out like the best configuration possible because also once we have one of us in each of our rooms when grandparents do come to stay or when anyone else comes where are they going where the hell are they going to sleep? Yes. So it's a whole, I mean, basically we need to move house is the bottom line. Yeah. And I do get this a lot. And my sister does also say to me, she's like, why don't you just move house?

And as much as in an ideal world, yeah, we could move house. We could move to a bigger house. One, I think it's a lot of pressure on us being that if i was to ever stop my job i always live on the fact that if i was to ever stop doing this chris would have to independently pay for the mortgage on his own we know with chris's job and what he does he can afford the mortgage on his own us going to a bigger house right now is great because we can afford that but he's putting unfair difficulty and stress on chris if yeah if anything changes yeah if anything changes and i just think you have a house for your babies not i say for a short amount of time but i don't mean i don't mean

that as it sounds but like there's going to be a time where we're going to move up to a really big house because they're all really big and then everyone's going to move out and we're going to have to move to a smaller house and i don't want to say that i'm wishing the time away i'd rather just have a quaint little house we're going to build a garage at the end that's our five to ten year plan where both all three of them sorry i should say can have independent living we're going to have a garage with there'll be a lounge a bedroom a kitchen so that they can move down there when they're 16 or 17 yeah Yeah, an annex over the top of a garage. So they'll be able to have independent living before they were to fly the nest.

And I just think we're going to be mortgage free before the age of 50. Mortgage free is something I can't even imagine. We have a huge garden. We have front and rear access to the property. Both have parking at the back, parking at the front. So yeah, our house might be small, but there's so much more to that property that we wouldn't get anywhere else.

We're also going to have five people in the house with five cars. Do you know what I mean? So there's so much I'm trying to think of. I don't want to ever wish our lives away, but there's so much more to think of. Five cars? Yeah, because at one point,

all three of them are going to be driving. Yeah, but probably not when they all still live at home i might have a car well they can drive at 17 in the current world that we live in right now what's the likelihood of them all having a mortgage and moving out at 70 yes they may go on to university but yeah when renly's driving colby will be like no i know i know but you i know you do want to keep them all there until they're 50 i did say to colby the other day and it's the first time he's ever said it, when I was like, you're going to stay home until you're 30, aren't you? And he was like, I'll come visit every day.

Yeah. What? What? He was so sincere about it. He was like, don't worry, Mum, I'll come and see you every day. And you know when you think, oh, God. You're like, no, he's actually going to move out. But I just think even like just having the space there.

Yeah. To be mortgage free. Plus, I want to get like just having the space there. Yeah. To be mortgage free. Plus, I want to get out and see the world. I'm down for buying a caravan so that we can go. Yeah, you want to go on the road. I really want to get a motor home. You know, the one on wheels. It's not a caravan you strap to the car.

An RV. Like a driving one. Yeah. Yes. Yes. I want one of them. Yes. I want one of them where we're just going out every weekend, every school holiday, just

driving. Drive to bloody Spain if we want to. on the road again on the road again so i'd rather i'd rather spend my money on showing in the world and doing my things and being wrapped up with yeah wrapped up with a big mortgage and a big house i'm the opposite i am going to move to a big house because i'm fucking sick of it i know i know you know my mindset might change when they're when they're all bigger but right now we're it's just the two buggies in the hall that stresses me out daily. I just don't want to live outside of my means. No, I know.

We chuck our pram in the car. I never take the pram in the house. We keep one in the car and one in the hall. But when there's some situations where we end up with the single buggy and the double buggy in the hall, Christ. It's a nightmare. It's a bloody obstacle course. Yeah, I bet.

It's a nightmare. But anywho, that was our dilemmas of our homes. Anywho, Z, so yeah, this is now a property show.

Turned into Homes Under the Hammer. You know? I'm guessing that's Phil Spencer. But no, I can't wait to get Sadie in her own room

because she's killing me at the moment. She's up three, possibly four times a night and I am shattered. I'm so tired. She's killing me at the moment she's up three possibly four times a night and I am shattered I'm so tight she's got it all the wrong way around right I think she's not feeding much during the day because she's getting so distracted and interested in stuff that she's hungry at night she's having a great feed at night which she keeps waking up for

because she's like oh lovely because it's just me and her in a dark room and she actually does it properly she's got it all topsy-turvy. She feeds lovely at night, wakes up in the morning, all distracted by everything that's going on. I don't know how to get it round the right way, but I am very tired. Have you tried shutting the curtains and feeding in the dark room? Yeah, but often during the day, that's just not feasible

because either we're out and about or Joseph's there or I'm chatting to someone. Dare I even, like, take a sip of my tea now do you cover her at home no would that not help to cover her i don't even cover her when i'm out which some people do for like modesty purposes oh no i'm not saying you have to do that yeah that's what i was thinking but the reason why i don't do it for either of those reasons is because i feel like it's quite suffocating for the baby yeah when you put like a big muslin over their head i'm like she wants to breathe and like i don't know maybe i should try that but it's frustrating at the moment because it's all

it's all obviously going to go into the colder months now aren't we so it might not be as suffocating with it it being cold if you're out and about yeah if you're out and about but i wasn't saying that that you should cover her up no i was just saying that's one of the reasons why i don't do that even for either reason whether to keep her focused or to not you know cover up my nips or whatever i'm very over that by now because she just leaves my nipples hanging in midair when she decides to come off here it's on camera for the world to see we embrace the boobs so there we go adam thinks are amazing amazing interesting and so incredible and exciting this week i literally thought i had something wrong with my eyelids though because because I was so tired.

They became like so droopy, like I'd had an allergic reaction. And I said to Stefan, I think there's something wrong with my eyes. Like, can you, I said, can you come and look at them? And I was like, closing my eyes. I was like, what's wrong with them? They're so like red and droopy.

I think I've got like, is it hay fever? But I haven't got any other symptoms. I was going, what's wrong with me? He goes, I think you're just really tired. I was like, oh, this is my new life now. I'm just shattered all the time. What's wrong with you? I'm just exhausted.

Just really, really tired. I'm just the mother of a five-month-old baby. You could fall pregnant again, though. No, thank you. And have another baby. No, thank you. That would be really exciting, though. It would have to be a miracle.

That would get the viewers going. I mean, you're back to it, she-legs. I'm not. No. No. That ship be really exciting. It would have to be a miracle. That would get the viewers going. I mean, you're back to itchy legs. I'm not. No. No. That ship has sailed. No. God bless Chris.

Thoughts and prayers with Chris. Thoughts and prayers are with Chris and his non-itchy leg situation. So Emma and I really want to hear from you. We want you to join us in the Secret Mum Club. You're all welcome. You can share your secrets with us, respond to what we've been talking about

or just say, Hello! You can find us on TikTok and Instagram. Just search for Secret Mum Pod or you can email us hello at secretmumpod.com It's time. It's time.

For the Correspondence Corner! I'll let you have it this week. Thank you. Should have stopped on car. Correspondence Corner I'll let you have it this week Thank you Should have stopped on Correspondence Corner Nah Nah It reminds me of that scene

out of Have you seen it out of Step Brothers? You know I haven't seen any films No God Sorry

When they're in the car You got a smile that it seems to me. I'm drowning in childhood memories. Oh, you've got to have seen the clip. No. Oh, for fucking hell. Right. Maybe we should have a series where I watch loads of movies.

So I actually know what you're talking about. Let's do that. Okay. Okay. All right. So we've got another follow up here. Oh, take it away. So the cow milking message from Rachel.

The 200 cows. 200 cows from Rachel in Cork. Is she manual uttering? Sorry, she hasn't got back in touch. That's my bad. Rebecca has got in touch to say, I used to listen whilst milking goats. And now I listen while feeding pigs.

Farmers. I can't. This is too much. I absolutely adore these women so much. We need a road trip to all the farms, don't we? Yes. Can you invite us to your farm? We would love to come.

We'll do an episode of The Secret Mum. We could go on tour. Live. Live from. From the farms of the UK. And Soul Sister commented saying, ladies, there's one udder for teats. Oh, the bag is the udder.

Because we were like, it's 800 udders. Whoa. But it'd be 800 teats on 200 cows. Soul Sister. She said, I milk the same amount, but we use automatic clusters. But I am amused by your thoughts. Clusters. Is that what it is?

That must be what it is, yeah. So it's one big udder. So the bag's the udder and the teats are the... Titties. The nipples. Well, thank you. Thank you, ladies. Appreciate you all.

And I'm absolutely loving that we've got so many farm ladies. So many cows are listening. So many cows. Pigs and goats. All right, we've got another email here. It says, OMG, ladies, your podcast has ruined me in the best way possible. All my life. I find myself going about my day and then boom, out comes some mad phrases from one of you.

Probably you. This week it's been bin it, fuck it, chuck it out. Love from Lisa in Ireland. I think. Yes, Lisa. I think it's actually check it, bin it, fuck it, chuck it. Yes. Check it, bin it, fuck it, chuck it. Check it, bin it, fuck it, chuck it. Check it, bin it, fuck it, chuck it. Yes. Check it, bin it, fuck it, chuck it.

Check it, bin it, fuck it, chuck it. Check it, bin it, fuck it, chuck it. Faster, stronger. I love that. I love that song. Yeah, Dolph Punk. There's a man there makes a... Love that from Lisa in Ireland.

Go on, Lisa. I love that so much. Check it, bin it, chuck it, fuck it. Yeah. It's a good motto to live your life by. It is a great motto to live your life by. No shithoarders here hoarders be gone hoarders be gone

so you can get in touch with us on anything at all yeah it can be serious or silly and you can be totally anonymous because between us we've probably heard it all before and remember we're all in this together and we know that we are we're all stars and we see that this is the secret mom club and that is my baby you can hear him, he is in the studio.

In the house. Relly's in the house. Relly's in the house. Relly, Relly. He's back again. RJ in the hizzy. RJ are in the hizzy. That's a phenomenal initials,

isn't it, RJ? It's very regal. I know. Savoge. Right. This is a safe place for you to share your secrets and also for me to share mine. We're going to be discussing two secrets this week not really secrets but they are really secrets yeah

we talked about in the last episode last thursdays about settling the babies like sometimes one parent is really good at calming the baby down when they're crying one's good at rocking them off to sleep yeah you tend to take it in turns yeah once to one week it'll be you the next week it'll be them different strokes for different folks yes different strokes different folks strokes folks don't stroke no folks um just like you christopher has the bladder the size of a gnat teeny tiny little bladder and renly is very much in the state of he's a contact napper. So I don't actually put Renly down for a nap. He only has a nap when he's being cuddled. I don't think I've ever divulged that information to you.

There's another secret. So he only will have a nap. So sometimes I will sit for about two, three hours while he has a nap. I actually don't know how you do that. Because he'll only nap on me. Wild. Mental. Or in the pram.

As long as it's moving, he'll or in the pram he likes as long as it's moving he'll nap in the pram or a sling so we yes or a sling so it's very much i've been wearing my sling and walking on the treadmill so i thought getting my steps in while the baby naps thinking and dancing don't get me too confused so chris um i actually walked out of the bedroom the other day to chris holding renly while Renly was fast asleep. Bearing in mind, Chris takes, look at his face. Chris takes sit down wheeze. Yeah, I respect that.

Yeah, I think you should. Chris was taking a full on fountain piss at six feet four tall, holding our baby, peeing into our loo. Look at his face. He's fucking howling at himself. Honestly, he thought it was the fucking Niagara Falls in the bathroom. Why can he sit down with Renly in his arms?

He wasn't sitting, because he didn't want to sit too close to the pan and be too close to the germs. So he just thought he'd stand and piss Niagara Falls out of his his bladder what do you reckon is the distance between like a lot a lot of a distance from the toilet about three feet three fucking feet jesus thunderous honestly it was the most i was like what's happening running water i got flood come out of the come out of the bathroom to yeah niagara falls chris just holding the baby just taking the full-on

pauline power piss sometimes you got to you got to go when you got to go holy smoke i've never witnessed anything like it and there's also i feel like the highlights this is secret number two you lucky devils secret number two this one isn't really a secret it's just a really funny fucking story so obviously redney sleeps in our room whether he's in between us or he is in his little bed because we've transitioned over to the bed we get into bed it tends to be sometimes it's same time as renly sometimes it's an hour after but we put the telly on and we watch the telly he's been struggling because of his teeth he is struggling with an upset tummy at the moment. Terrible, terrible, terrible wind he's had.

So we laid him down the other night and he was a little bit unsettled. So we got into bed and decided to put a film on. And he was farting away. Like literally, it was some of the longest farts that we had. But we have to try so hard not to laugh. So we have to do a... Silent. Yeah. Sometimes I'm like because i snort where i'm trying so hard not to make a sound yeah honestly they're the tears and i have to look over

you can't you can't make eye contact that's gonna make it worse i look over at chris as well and you can i can feel sometimes he's like like the bounce on the mattress because he's chuckling away it makes my honestly it makes my life there's nothing funnier than a baby farting just in general like we just try not to laugh at each other in the bed so the other night he was trumpeting he was trumping like a like a trumpet sound like he's like it was really really mental and he did it a couple of times. It must have been over about sort of 20 minutes, half hour. And all of a sudden, Chris just turned to me and went, oh, he sounds like James Blunt.

And it took a long while for me to register. What do you mean? You're beautiful. Yeah, you're beautiful. So obviously, I thought I thought Chris Men Renly's farts

sounded like James Blunt so in my head I was like trying to process it so I said to Chris sing it sing it he was like what

and I was like sing James Blunt like I don't I don't know how you think Wendy's farts sound like James Blunt

like I needed him to sing the beat so that I could put the beat to the beat of the fart and he was like no the fucking

man on the television the beat to the beat of the fart and he was like no the fucking man on the television crossed wires but also you're trying to do all this like communication in silence because rand is sleeping between you what why am i saying sing the beat sing the beat the beat of james blunt and he was like what do you mean i was like singing the beat of the fart and he was like no the fart doesn't sound like james blunt and then we had to go through like and every time i looked at him honestly i was just pissing myself every time redley farted again.

I can't. It was so fucking funny. It was so fucking funny. Always the funniest shit are happening. The funniest shit is happening when we're in bed and we can't laugh. That's what makes it funnier, though. It's like when you're at school and you're having a total laughing fit. Or your mum and dad tell you off. Your mum and dad tell you off.

And it's like, don't laugh, don't laugh, don't make a sound. There's nothing worse. Nothing worse, honestly. You can't keep it in oh that's hilarious that's the kind of thing that's going to become a um in a family in joke i don't ever want really to not sleep in our room because i don't want to lose those special yeah these special moments and farts will forever be known as james blunts going forward it was just the fact that i was like sing the beat and he was like what and i was like i don't i don't know how it goes sing like sing the beat and he was like what and i was like i don't i don't know how it goes sing it sing the beat and he was like what the james blunt beat and i was

like yeah sing the beat and i was like i don't know the beat of my thoughts you're beautiful i was trying to put this like a i don't know where my brain was at. But there you go. That's my secret of the week. Secrets. So now, there was secrets too this week.

So now we're going to get some of yours. We got three secrets from you we're going to be discussing this week. So Emma, take it away with number one. All right. This says, Hi, Safina and Emma.

I had to message because your talk about the tooth fairy brought back a traumatic memory from a few years ago. My little girl, now eight, had lost her second tooth. Having already experienced the excitement of the first tooth fairy visit, she was beside herself with excitement for another visit that night. After a restless evening of her coming up and down the stairs, she finally fell asleep.

Around 11pm, I felt it was safe to make the exchange. Oh my gosh. So I tiptoed into her bedroom i knelt beside her bed and slowly slipped my hand under her pillow to pull out the lost tooth but before i could place the coin my little one began to stir i froze in panic hoping she'd go back to sleep but the stirring continued in total panic i did the only thing i could think of i hid myself beside her chest of drawers. I literally have these moments with Joseph when I go in to check him

and I'm like, he must be so out of it. It's fine. I adjust his quilt or whatever and he starts to stare and I'm literally like, don't breathe. Don't make eye contact. She says,

I hid myself beside her chest of drawers, squashing myself in as much as possible. Then my little one sat bolt upright. I've never sweated so much in my life, trying not to breathe too loudly or move a muscle. Half an hour later, I returned to my husband. Half an hour? She was in there for half an hour?

Half an hour later, I returned to my husband, tooth in hand, and recounted my trauma. Since then, I've bought her a little pocket pillow that hangs on the bedpost, so the exchanges are quick and stress-free. That is very clever. My stress levels couldn't handle another contortionist act but the next tooth arrived from claire oh that is hilarious god bless you do you know what the other day chris because renly's been in his little car chris crept in i had the camera the baby

monitor on chris crept in really really low down crept around to the side of the bed and was creeping along i was watching him on the camera thinking what the fuck is he doing and then he literally just looked at Renly and Renly I can see his eyes

open on the camera and he was like fuck I thought the side of the bed was down he thought the side of the bed was up so Renly couldn't see him but it wasn't

he's like dad I can see you he was just stood there with Len there watching him like what the fuck is this idiot doing yeah the amount of um

moments positions I get myself into or the moments yeah well you'll just be like I daren't go in and check on them but like Sadie now I'll go in

you do the stop drop and roll don't you like yeah literally stop drop and roll and I'll spend ages like laying on the floor next to the next to me just to make sure

she's fully off before I move a muscle. But I don't breathe. Isn't it funny the shit that we go through? The shit we do. And also, it'd probably be fine if you just got up and walked out. Probably.

But I'm like, we make such a big... Don't even... Don't even breathe. Don't even open your eyes. Oh, I love that so much. But how sweet though. I do love that idea though of a little... That's a really good idea.

It is a really great idea. Yeah. I love that. Because also Claire, she's going to lose a lot of teeth. So you'd be having to do it all the time. Dossie also does get a little bit freaked out, doesn't she? With Santa coming to the house. Also the tooth fairy, she's a bit like, is she going to touch me?

Will she wake me up? How big is she? You're going through all this at the moment, are you? With being the tooth fairy and everything. Is it stressful? No, it's fun. I love it i love the i love the magic it brings for them it's really phenomenal because i'm i'm at the

point where i do worry that colby's not going to be there starting to not believe yeah yeah so oh we're trying to hold on to hold on hold on for one more day. I was going to sing that. Hold on for one more day. Okay. Let's have number two. Thank you, Claire. Sorry. Thank you, Claire.

This one's from Liv. She says, I love all your poo talk, but I have a problem. I'm poo shy. It's okay. Like Dotty. I get major toilet anxiety, which isn't great when I want to have a baby, knowing that pooing and weeing in front of other people is natural during labor. Do you have any tips for getting over this?

Right, Liv. I'm going to be really, really honest with you. I've had three babies and I've not pooped. We're all three. I had diarrhea before, but I was in a cubicle by myself. Yeah, you didn't poo during. No, no one. I didn't wee in front. I promise you, I promise you on my fucking life

with everything that's inside of my body right now, I promise you it's the fucking last thing on your mind yeah it literally won't even think about it you'll give birth and be like oh i didn't even think about whether i i don't and they don't even tell you they don't categorically make a big song and dance and go oh my god you took a shit and also your husband partner whoever does not look, I'd say even before labour. I said to Chris, did you check if I pooed? Also, before labour, you have a clear out. Yeah, and also I was going to say, even during your whole pregnancy,

you're going to have to do urine samples. Yes. So you need to get over the phobia of handing your piss to other people because you're going to be doing that a lot. You will probably have fingers inside your vagina. I think you don't even have to get over it. I think you will do it so much that it will honestly take that fear away. I don't think you need to do anything right now, Liv.

You just got to enjoy the pregnancy because I promise you, you'll just be throwing your piss around. Yeah, I don't know if she is pregnant. I don't know if she just says, when I do want to have a baby, that's going to be a problem. But what I'm saying is when you are pregnant, just enjoy it. Yeah, and if you're really scared of it have a cesarean

yeah elective cesarean that's what I did you can do that yeah they will give you a catheter though which is a bag

so you will wee into a bag yes do you have to push for the wee to still come out you don't have to do anything it just automatically so when you feel like you're going to have a wee

you don't because you're numb that's why they have to give it to you otherwise you'd just wet yourself because you're all numb from the wee. You don't because you're numb. That's why they have to give it to you. Otherwise you'd just wet yourself. Because you're all numb from the waist down. Yeah.

It's just coming out. Willy nilly. Like a hoover. How does it go down that tiny tube? I think it just sucks. Just comes out of you. Yeah, but it's not a hoover, is it? Well, the catheter's in your bladder.

So when your bladder fills up, it fills the catheter. Yeah, but your bladder's just like really big. So what does it do? Just pushes down a tiny tube? Yeah, it just goes down a tiny tube yeah into a bag fascinating yeah if i could have a catheter all my life i think that'd be quite handy because then i wouldn't be constantly thinking like where can i next go to the toilet it is a bit uncomfortable though you do it is a bit uncomfortable yeah but i'm often weeing but but you honestly i promise you it's not something you need to worry about because you will literally it's the last thing on your mind when you give birth

yeah i promise you there's much more bigger things at play and you've got to remember that everybody does it yeah so and these healthcare professionals it's okay but healthcare professionals are very very used to it and they're not thinking about it when i asked chris i was like did i poo with all three children he's like oh i didn't i didn't look actually i didn't notice more concerned about you having a baby yeah yeah they're more interested in looking at the baby and it's not like the midwives go yay you took a big shit they should but live we love you for your poo shyness yeah and that's okay to be poo Yeah. But I promise you, if and when you are pregnant, having a baby, you will be absolutely perfection. You'll be fine.

You'll be fine, my darling. Right. Let's have the last one. All right. Hi, ladies. I'm a first time mum. And when my young mum group moved to a new area, I didn't know anyone. At the end of the group, they all invited me for coffee.

And I was so excited. We arrived around 11 a.m. And one of the mums suggested we order Prosecco. Oh, go on. Since they offered it at that time. Wow. I thought, finally. My people.

I found my crowd. Yes. Yes. Off I went to grab a glass, but when I returned after changing my baby, everyone else had opted for caffeine instead. There I was, rocking my buggy with my Prosecco at 11am, trying to make friends. Then I heard a thud. Oh no.

I hadn't struck my baby in properly and he'd slid out onto the wooden floor. It's not only is she the only mum drinking alcohol. Her baby's fallen out of the buggy. The gasps were audible. He was okay, thankfully. And I quickly put him on the boob and made our excuses to leave as we were walking out i heard someone say oh i knew there was something up with her oh you fucking wanker i promise i'm a good mom and i don't usually drink at 11 a.m from

brianie brianie that took a horrible turn that was i would brianie let's for starters brianie let's just start this with i would definitely be quaffing the prosecco with you we would be when you come to the live show we'll be we'll be right there with you and boob it well we can't drink and boob can we yeah she had a prosecco oh my god i knew there was something up with you fucking i hate bitches don't mum shame Anybody Ever She was just trying to loosen up for the Also she had one drink

She's still breastfeeding her baby And yes he fell out of his buggy It's totally alright It's totally fine Fucking hell I'm sorry I laughed I hope I wasn't I know

But I'm laughing because it would be Something 100% I would do It would happen to me Yeah It would happen to me For sure I mean you know About my bouncy chair

I just Saga Just imagining Brian Ely Oh fuck That was shit On my Prosecco To say

I knew there was Something up with her Though is really Really fucking mean Yeah If that was you Check yourself Before you wreck yourself

or we'll wreck you we're with you say that i would have just been like oh god are you all right who goes to a mum group they offer prosecco you opt for a okay people that don't drink but fine not to drink and fine to have coffee like either one is fine but don't all suggest the prosecco never assume and then switch to caffeine and then the person That has the Prosecco Judge them for choosing The Prosecco Were they at someone's house As well No they all went for

Like a coffee afterwards Okay Yeah They were I think they were At like a bar or something I was so excited It was only

And the mum suggested We order Prosecco They all suggested it as well Then they fucking ditched her Yeah So mean So mean That's such a

You can't Sit with us Don't be a mean girl don't be a mean girl no it's not big and it's not clever but we are glad you are well briny glad the baby's okay you little boys well i just need to know i need to know if you ever saw them again yeah after that i wouldn't if they were fucking slagging me off on the way out you're a fucking legend we need more brineys in this world. Honestly, what a babe. Yeah.

So thank you for sharing your secrets this week. Everyone is welcome in the Secret Mum Club. If you'd like to share your secrets with us, you can. The email is hello at secretmumpod.com or with Secret Mum Pod on TikTok and Instagram. So are you saying, check it, bin it, chuck it, fuck it on the reg? Or have you had a heart attack whilst acting as the tooth fairy? Let us know. There really is nothing

too outrageous. Keep an eye out for our Thursday episode. And we'll see you next Tuesday. On the Secret Mum Club!