Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Loo Roll Black Hole

Episode Date: October 2, 2023

Emma’s had quite the week with Stefan off for a “weekend” with the lads, and Sophiena tells us about her underwhelming day trip with the children. The ladies don’t often do maths on the podcast, but for this one mum and her loo roll secret they’ve pulled out the calculator! We’ve also received a word of warning from a gaming mummy, and our final secret might have you rolling on the floor. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello we're back it's the secret mom club i'm safina and i'm emma the podcast is a safe space for mums everywhere a safe space to share our secrets because we all have secrets don't we we do and as we know sharing is caring you don't even have to tell us who you are yeah you can keep that to yourself you can be anonymous and those secrets can be serious or silly all secrets are welcome in the secret mom club i feel like every week we record this the same thing and we're always laughing i know because you've said something silly before normally talking about a wet ass pussy i mean i'm sorry normally you've said something silly before the mics go live i didn't actually say anything silly today it was emma this is what i'm dealing with very unprofessional that was emma that was saying something very silly but

listen let's see your week are we doing me first let's hear about your wet ass listen i have had... As a traumatising week as the other week. A traumatising week. Traumatising week for me this time, not Joseph, when I left him at nursery until 6pm. He was meant to be there. It's just all the other parents come at 5.45.

I didn't know what the secrets were. She's also doing it again this week, guys. I am doing it again. Look, mumma got to work. No, this week... Tell me tell me anything about this okay stefan went to the rugby world cup in france nice with his dad and his brother-in-law lovely lovely a trip they've been looking forward to for a long time oh god he told me stefan does stefan need some help stefan you've got it three times you've got it coming to you three times if you need

i've been waiting to let loose about him on this podcast and this is my time. You're getting it, Stefan. No, he said he was going for a long weekend to the Rugby World Cup because it's only in Bordeaux so it wasn't far.

It was just pop over to France on a Friday. Pop back. Come back on a Sunday. Nice. He told me the other day I hadn't fully looked

at the details of the trip. I'm actually away until Tuesday night. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I couldn't believe that. I'm sorry, what the fuck? Didn't Chris go on a snag do to Ibiza

and he was already back in like two days? Two or three days? Yeah. Yeah. Like he went on the Thursday, came back on the Sunday. Right, totally normal. Yeah.

When you say long weekend, I think you mean Thursday to Sunday. Yeah, maybe Monday at a push. Friday to Monday. Yeah, like Thursday to Sunday or Thursday, month no yeah maybe friday monday at a push so honestly so there i was solo child care it was like the time thursday to tuesday friday friday okay basically thursday right because it was friday very very

early in the morning until tuesday night post baby's bedtime one thing that happens post baby's bedtime i don't care basically a whole day off. It's a whole day, right? I'll put him down to bed. Parenting's over for the day. What the fuck? What the fuck? What?

His dad got a bit excited because he was like, lads on tour, lads on tour. And they don't do many trips like this. So he was like, all right, I've got Stefan for a few days. We're going to go away for five days. To watch the rugby. To watch the rugby. nice time but so i was there and it was that period of time when it

was like he did tell you before they left not like when he was away oh yeah he did he thought i was going home today i'm not another two days babes no he did because also that was the other thing so i was like so monday tuesday then the days that i normally go to work who's gonna look after the baby he's like oh yeah this is like a couple of weeks before you're gonna have to ask for the time off like I feel like I pick up the slack a lot with child care and normally it's because Stefan's got other work on so if it's for work I don't really mind we kind of work that out between us I'm like okay you've got this on you can't move your thing my work are really flexible work is work

so yeah work's work money's money we'll sort that out gotcha when it's for something like the rugby world cup i was a little bit pissed off yeah a little bit because i was like this is a holiday and i've got to take two days off work short notice because you didn't get your dates right because you didn't look at the dates because you didn't plan i mean this is just classic stefan like he's not a details kind of guy he's all in the deets didn't look at the yeah it's all in the deets it's all in the deets so there was me so how was your how was your week without Stefan so do you know what I I think when it's approaching it it feels almost kind of overwhelming I love spending time with Joseph but I do think five days with him on your own is quite a lot and like my family don't live close enough that i can just

like pop around for a day in fact my mom and dad are away at the moment anyway so i couldn't go and stay normally i would just decamp to my mom and dad's house they weren't there they're away on holiday so i couldn't go and stay with them i can't just pop around and see my family i can't pop around and see stefan's family they're hours away they're in wales yeah obviously i've got friends in london but other people have got their own shit going on schedules don't always align not all of my friends have got kids so they often like don't always understand the baby's schedules they'll be like let's meet at lunchtime I'm like no nap time he's asleep for two hours obviously I'm a prisoner in my own home he's upstairs in his car I can't leave so I did feel a bit overwhelmed at the beginning but actually

then I think once you're in it and afterwards looking back on it you're like it was actually fine and it gets easier as it goes along you kind of find your groove you get into a little routine it's fine but it was that period of time when it was like roasting hot yes it was like 32 33 degrees there was nothing we could do except little Indian summer September heat wave what was that normally lovely not when you've got a baby because we couldn't really go out. I remember having this problem earlier in the summer. We kind of just have to shelter indoors. Of course.

Because it's too hot for us to be outside. Yeah. So there's only so much Hey Dougie one can watch. You know, we did watch a lot of telly, I have to admit. With your biggest fan? Yeah. The actual fan. Yeah.

Not your son. The big electric. I thought you meant he was a fan of Hey Dougie. Because obviously last week we met him in real life he actually wasn't a fan he was very that was a couple of weeks ago he was very scared that was a couple of weeks ago yeah um so no i love that everything's just last week i know that's how i live my life there's no i've got no concept of time and also because we're not in school terms and stuff i've got no like measure of it no every day i mean i'm in school and i've got no measure things that happened a year ago i say oh a couple of weeks ago yeah what that happened like 10 years ago yeah the other day i mean six months ago yes always yeah always do that yeah

so it was um it felt a bit overwhelming but actually you made it we made it it's just a lot when you're on your own like the whole slog slog of the routine. It's hard, isn't it? Because as well, and it always makes me appreciate people so much in that situation because there's people that do do it every day. Honestly, people that only have. And it's the loneliest thing in the world.

A one parent household, I'm just like. In all respect to you. In all. It's fucking hard to do it all on your own. And you don't get a minute. You do not get a minute's peace. No. the funny thing

is that when stefan came back he was like you know he was oh you should go away and do like an equivalent thing now like where you have time away from the baby because he was like you know i want to like make it up to you kind of thing why do they say this it's not fucking easy to just go no i but i don't have it i don't have anything i don't have anything planned yeah no offense losers god i don't have anything planned it's not even about having anything planned but we just can't drop we just can't shut off there's so much fucking shit to do that there's no possible way that i can leave because then i'm gonna fucking cry about leaving the children i don't know if you fed them i don't know if you bathed them bathed them washed them clean them dress them i don't know their lunch boxes have been made you don't even know the pe days like i can't

fucking there's just no way of just shutting off i can't it's easy like oh chris did it when he went to ibiza oh you should really plan a trip should i yeah what in 2026 yeah that'd be fucking nice i could give you my whole fucking year routine of what I do. It's just not as easy to just walk away. No, I... Sorry, Stefan. That was aggressive. I'm aware. It's a very touchy subject for a woman.

But I'm a petty bitch. And I do want to do some kind of tit for tat arrangement where I'm like, you had your holiday. Now I want to have mine. So I am planning on doing something. See, in my head, I feel like if I don't go away he then pities me yeah yeah exactly oh such a martyr i've been away to ibiza and she pulled out i offered her a trip and she hadn't even gone it's been a whole year and i've got i've got to go to ibiza again with the boys and i'm like oh another trip for me i have been using it against stefan for ages i'm like well can you do that

now because you went to the rugby world cup or like you do dinner because you've been to the bloody rugby it's the point where now we've done what me and chris been together eight years he's done like a year every year he's done a trip and you've done nothing a trip with the boys i know every year it gets fucking harder for him to be like, I'm going away. I'm going away. I know. At the start it was two weeks. Then it started down to ten days. Yeah, before the children.

Then it was down to ten days. Then it was down to a week. We're currently riding on four days. So I'm hazarding my bets that next, well, where are we now? Yeah, we've had this years. God, I didn't even know what fucking year we were in then. 2024? Is that coming?

Three days. Then soon there'll be nothing there'll be nothing so in three years there'll be no trip at all and my plan here has worked it's funny though like when stefan asked me do i want to do something as well i was like do you know what it's so funny like i was like overwhelmed by the prospect of having joseph on my own for so long but then you can't fucking leave them and then and then like resented it and i went through like all this whole like stages of emotions and then i was like but i want to leave him so sick and twisted i would not want to leave him i want to leave him i want to be with him every minute of every day but i also want him to leave me alone it's such a complicated range of emotion i fucking hate myself feeling this way

it's like when people like are you going on your hen do yeah if i can take my children yeah i'm not leaving my children and then my mum's like no come on like we do do like a girl's trip we gotta go away with no children no i can't leave them mum brain is so weird because it's like you crave that time off and i want to get my own back on stefan but also i'm like but i don't want to leave my baby and i want him to be obsessed with me and i want to be his favorite forever so So I can basically just never leave. We're so toxic to ourselves. I know.

We're in a toxic relationship with our kids. With our own self. With our own minds. We're a toxic. The taste of your lips. Tell me about your week. We are week two of school. Yeah.

Right, so because we're not allowed to talk if you've been here for a while you know me and emma are not allowed to converse or do you want to know a really funny thing that happened to me the other day i had to message you about didn't i or did you message fucking emma text me a really lovely message because we hadn't seen each other for so long fucking children opened the message oh so you didn't see it for ages and then i texted you the other night like i messaged you because i was watching something and then i read your message before i was like haven't even read this the children put me on red oh put you on red it was absolutely mortified i'm sorry i'm sorry for my late reply sorry but you know we talked last week yeah and you were

on team dots is gonna smash it and i was on team she's gonna break her yeah yeah how did she get on she didn't make it to lunchtime she was like what the fuck no broke her heart no way she cried her eyes out so she'd been going in and doing her two hours first friday which we spoke about didn't she did her two hours then this week we did the monday to thursday two hours fr, she's in with the whole school. Yeah. The whole shebang. And so Friday, the two hours she was fine.

Two hours, absolutely fine. Come out, like a doddle. 40,000 pictures every single day she's come out with. She's been painting. She's been forest walking. She's been doing everything. Friday came. Didn't like it.

She come out. We picked her up. She was like, I've had the best like it she should come out she wish to come out we picked her up she was like i've had the best day ever she come out she got a little can of milk as we were leaving like she honestly was absolutely buzzing and then we got home and we sat in the bath and she went i do need to tell you something and i was like um it's nothing worse when they say that like when joseph sits there and he says i need to tell you something yeah it's not when your boss says can we have a chat yeah scary scary time she just don't know what's coming and she went i cried for you today oh no and i went how much did you cry i cried a lot yeah and i said you i'm crying i'm crying now tell the story so. I'm so sad. She said, yeah, I cried for you.

And I was like, why? And she was just like, I really, really missed you. And I didn't think you were coming back. And I said, did you text Joseph? Have you been speaking to Joseph? Who gets left at nursery all day by his terrible mother. No. Yeah.

So she did. I was saying she won't realize it's a longer day because children have no concept of time. She didn't even make it to lunchtime. She did realize. And she did realize. Yeah. So she did. I was saying she won't realize it's a longer day because children have no concept of time. She didn't even make it to lunch time. She did realize. And she did realize. Yeah. So her morning was long. But she said, I had a hug with my teacher and I was okay.

And then she said, I had my lunch and blow me, shiver me timbers, blow me over. She only went for a hot dinner, had a potato, jack a potato with cheese. She's a lunchbox gal, a jam sandwich. Did you do her a lunchbox girl a jam sandwich did you do her lunchbox she didn't want one she wanted a hot dinner so we sent her in she had a hot dinner and she come out she was like i had all my hot dinner but she had the best she had the best day oh but it was just that whole initial she cried yeah it was that initial initial i love that she told you that though yeah i felt i felt good and i said to chris i feel as much as it's really sad i feel good that they've both expressed their emotions like they colby'd had a little bit second week was a little bit more tougher for him right in

the sense of they're all still learning to get to know the teachers and i feel like the teacher and children relationship and i still need to get to know the teacher teacher still needs to get to know me like the boundaries and stuff like that so we had a little bit of a a full-on week i would say week two was probably harder than week one but we got there and we've gone in today hopefully fine chris forgot the pe kit oh i was adamant that was p day and they have to go in in their pe kit so So Colby's Monday and Wednesday PE. Dottie is just a Monday. And I was like, it's PE today. Oh my God.

No, it's not. We're going in our school uniform. Got to school, rung me on the train. Yeah, it's PE today. What do they do then? They have to wear something from lost property. No, no. Chris drove it in.

Oh. Chris just went home, got it, drove back. Wasted three hours of his morning. But to be fair, that's what I would have done. Yeah. If I was home. Yeah. You know, it's just what you're saying about dad's not knowing the routine come on you know we can't if we can't generalize all dads but we've got to give it to him do better

but the week was good and then i did i did a reward them we did do a treat and we went to lego land oh did you i want to go to lego land i've never been oh good it's really hard and i was trying to talk about this the other night we i was at other night other day i was on a tiktok live did a little shop with me around tesco's on a tiktok live bring about the 2022 era um and i was trying to talk about it on there and i feel really bad in the sense of i feel like same as child labor, right? Your experience of your childbirth is so personal to you. It doesn't matter what you went through.

It's for you only, right? And I feel like talking about my birth story, I feel like it's really difficult for me personally to talk about because I feel like everyone's pain threshold's different. Everyone copes with things differently. And I just talking about it is not going to reassure you it's only going to make you panic but how we deal with ourselves in the situation is what's the most important thing are you saying everyone's experience of lego land windsor is everyone's

experience with life is different and how you perceive something and how i perceive it is two very different things i didn't have the best experience you didn't would i go back no um and that's really hard for me to sit here and say because okay it wasn't great for me but you may really love it so i don't want to sit here and be like somebody that i'm not an influencer but somebody that's on social media and just really lucky to have the lovely millions of friends that i have friends um it's really hard for me to sit here and say do the kids like it they did yes they did like it i think we the day was really hot everyone was really tired plus we'd done the whole week of school and i maybe didn't plan it the best but there was just nothing to indicate that there

was a lot of rides closed every single section we went to at least one ride was closed also they've been advertising on instagram the splash park and the splash park was on a hot day on a hot day the only bit that was open was a little bit there was nothing on the website to indicate that it was closed so we took all our swimming stuff dotsy being the massive water baby that she is was so excited to do it and all the little the little stands all the little stands were closed and the refill centers because you have to you can buy a refill cup to fill it up yeah they were out of order why is that because it's not summer holidays anymore or something so they're like on like a wind down i really don't know and i don't know whether it was more of a wind down for autumn to get it wind down because it's meant to be cooler.

I don't know. But it was very much advertised on social media that they were prepared for the hot weather. So in my experience, it wasn't the best day. But that's coming. But the babies, you know, they said they had a really good time. That's quite far for you. Is that a bit of a trek? Yeah, it was a little bit of a way.

That's annoying when you've gone a long way and it's like not what you expected. Yeah, and I don't want to sit here and say that it wasn't because you may have gone on the same day as me but i had a really really lovely day so it's really hard it just personally just my and i found the park to be very hard to walk around big yeah huge humongous but everything is it doesn't really i can't i couldn't walk and flow it was like into one bit, out, down, in, up. I hate that. You end up walking so many steps. So it was a lot.

So that's the only thing I would say was I'd prepare for, it's a very, very long day. There was a lot to do there. So what should we do? Legoland or Poulton's Park? Poulton's Park for Joseph now. For the win.

Yeah, yeah, definitely. And I feel like I've been spoiled because I don't want to be biased because it is in my hometown. You're a regular down there, aren't you? We are reg be biased because it is it's in my hometown down there we are regs yeah but it's a really lovely park it's well kept it's well looked after obviously peppa pig a bit as well looked after it's clean it flows really nicely um and there's lots there's always lots of announcements this isn't an ad i just not an ad not a spawn i just

love it yeah it's just my personal preference although the little mini land did blow Dottie's head off. In Legoland. She literally couldn't contain it. We spoke about this. It's like a miniature village, isn't it? Her head, I thought, was going to explode off. And then when she saw the little NASA rocket actually take off, she was gone.

Wow. Yeah. So, yeah. That was, and I was tired. I not gonna lie i was tired everything's hard in this heat so hard not this heat but the heat we had now it's fucking thunderstorms yeah now we've gone through rain did you have a belch coming then no oh i thought you were like and i was like oh we're gonna belch i was pausing for what you were gonna say and then you just came out with a sorry um yeah just that we were shattered after that.

Yeah, it's hard in that heat. And then Sunday I went and did a food shop. Big day. Big food shop day. I do love that though. When you've... Nothing better than when you've done a big food shop and your fridge and cupboards are so full.

And I put a dinner on in the slow cooker this morning. Smashing life. Absolutely bloody winning. But yeah, pretty productive week if i'm honest with you nice emma and i really want to hear from you yeah we want you to join us in the secret mum club you're all welcome you can share your secrets with us respond to what we've been talking about or just say hello me you can find us on tiktok and instagram just search secret mum pod or you can email us hello at secret mom pod.com correspondence corner time oh you beat me to it the correspondence corner

here we go roll up roll up we've got contestant number one in the left hand corner are you ready the first letter says hi safina and emma i had to write to tell you how much i love your podcast oh thank you thank you my children are 18 16 and 14 and i really wish i had your write to tell you how much I love your podcast. Oh, thank you. Thank you. My children are 18, 16 and 14. And I really wish I had your podcast to listen to when they were small. Your advice is spot on. We were speculating about whether we give good advice last week. So that's... Take it with a pinch of salt.

But that's nice to hear. It says, I love that you provide a safe space for people to share their experiences. Sometimes it's so hard to know if what you are doing or thinking or feeling is okay i listened to you talking about potty training so i wanted to share a tip i learned when my kids were being trained if you need to leave the house but you're worried they'll have an accident put underwear on them and then a pull-up over that feeling of the cotton on their bits okay not sure what you call them in england oh i wonder where you are not sure what you call them in England, but they're like a diaper that goes on like underwear. Yeah. Mostly used for overnight small training. Yeah. Pull-ups, right? Anyway, the child will feel like they're wearing underwear. Yes. Right. But if they have an accident, you won't have a

mess. I used to think my oldest would never become trained and I would cry and feel like a failure. People would say he won't be wearing a diaper to college will he in the blink of an eye we just dropped him off for his first year away at college and he is in fact not in a diaper keep up the great work gene oh gee baby i love that i reckon gene's in america then i reckon gene's in america i reckon that is well that is some incredible advice amazing advice because the cotton on their bottom the cotton on their bottom yeah they feel like they're wearing pants but they're not but it's going to be caught by the pull-up on the outside and do you know what the person that says i'm not going to be wearing diapers to college no they're not i'm going to be wearing diapers to college no they're not gonna be wearing diapers to college and if they are who cares it's none of your business but i love that i also nearly

just cried when she said she's dropped him off at college oh don't because that's the thing i fear the most yeah and if you sit here we'd like i'd like to say that emma does mock me about crying about the children going but i'm i'm thoroughly excited they're excited for joseph's first day at school and we're gonna sit here and you're gonna cry so bad i don't think school in nashville i don't mind because i know i'm gonna see him at the end of every day but the prospect of him permanently moving out of my house i'm not ready for it i'm already devastated and it's 17 does anybody ever did you think about that do you ever think about like who they're gonna marry yeah i think about stuff like that all the time and again i think about like when my parents were empty nesters

and we all moved away and like i i was the youngest so i was the last one left and then when i went to uni my mum like drove away crying it was honestly so sad god's fucking tragic i know and now i just think god when that's my child i'm not going to be able to handle it and you know what's even harder is like when you sit in the bath and the baby's saying why don't you live with your mum anymore oh i know they say i'm gonna live with you forever and you're like okay yes we will they say when i'm never gonna leave i don't want to have my own children no i don't want to get married and i want to just live with you and daddy forever. We will. Yeah. Yes, we will.

We will live together forever. And we'll have a really, really happy little family forever. Yes. In our little bubble. Yeah. You will never leave me. Never. All right, I've got another email here.

It says, hey, beautiful ladies. I've just managed to catch up on all your shows that I missed over the summer holidays and I've just finished the Bucket Crunch Baddies. You forget what they're called sometimes, don't you? Do you but you know what for a little bit I didn't actually read the titles yeah and then I went back and read them all and had a fun like 10 minutes of reading them they all tend to be vagina related or poo or poo yeah I've just finished bucket crutch baddies where you spoke about playing fifa and fortnite with Colby in lockdown my son wanted to play video games with

me but I hadn't played video games for years he said he would teach me and so we sat for hours and he taught me how to play fortnight it was good and he was happy he had someone to play with when his friends were busy but what i wasn't expecting was how addictive the game would become and now you play it when they sleep and i couldn't wait until his bedtime so i could play alone i will tell him to keep his gamer controller downstairs so I can make sure it was charged but actually I secretly wanted to play on my own I found myself staying up until the early hours playing this bloody game I didn't realize that he could tell the next day oh because you completely was locked on oh busted he was

devastated to find out I had a lot more practice and he was no longer better than me so he no longer wanted to play with me oh that's really cool i think i think that's really cool yeah so that's pretty trendy yeah a bit like i'd say wow money that's pretty trendy bit like the lady's vagina from last week yeah anyway it got a bit serious and i even tried to put the kids to bed early one day so i had more time to play i had to put a stop to it and go cold turkey these games nowadays are addictive so ladies stay away many thanks lauren i can't lauren i've downloaded a makeover game for dotty and you have to you have to play these levels of this game so that you can earn an outfit for the person so vinnie i've been doing vinny and vinny needed to have his beard trimmed

and he also worked in a horrible dingy art decor salary salon thing so you have to strip it but you have to have enough coins so i now told dotty that i deleted the game so that we can't play it anymore because it was just too hard but it's not i just play it on my own you need to go to bed now so mommy can play your game it's the fact that when i speak to my best friend on the phone i'm like oh fuck i forgot to do vinnie's sofa and she's like who's vinnie and i'm like vinnie the man of my game obviously and colin fuck colin i didn't get colin to do the gardening she's like you got a gardener no in the game colin didn't mow my lawn i could really see myself getting back into like sims yeah you

used to play that when you were younger and like roller coaster tycoon where you build crash bandicoot is crash bandicoot i loved sonic yeah oh man and um i was gonna say puff the magic dragon fucking hell no i know what you're thinking of spyro spyro the purple dragon yeah all right one last message from sophie oh hello sophie i thought I'd share a story about my two-year-old. After bath time, he always runs into his bedroom naked and nine times out of 10, he crawls around the floor and watches himself wee on the carpet. Watches himself.

Wow. Yeah, I'm constantly terrified about that happening with Joseph because he's not far off too and he's becoming interested in his... Willie! PP. Very annoying. And he always says, look, mummy, wee-we mummy wee wee the other day he forced a wee out oh no it was only a matter of time

the other day he forced a wee out that hard that he pooped at the same time he was just as shocked as i was. I didn't know it was happening. I had to keep the laughter in. Before I became a mum, I never thought this would be an evening ritual. As they always say, it's just a phase. Keep up the great work. Oh my God, that's amazing.

I mean, it happens to the best of us. We all have a stealthy poo. That was me this morning, 5am. I had a stealthy poo. You shut the toilet and you're like, fuck, I'm half asleep. Do I really need to poo i didn't sign up for this yes i thought i was having a number one it's turned into a number

two turns even worse when you just and do you know what the entrance so dotty is as i've spoken about before really poofobic shouldn't like talking about poo yeah and all that colby he will just be literally on all fours he'll go mom i need my bum done you walk across the bathroom it's just literally bum hole in your face. No. Yeah, yeah. When do they stop needing help with that? I feel like it would just be going until he's,

yeah, probably about 25. 18 when he goes to uni. And he tries to just pop round, I need my bum water. Yeah, yeah, I'll be there in five. Well, he's never leaving, is he? Because he doesn't want to go. He's going to live together forever. He doesn't want an education or a family, so.

We used to, our bathroom used to be at the top of the stairs. And my mum and dad used to say they would come up. We'd be like, yeah, we need help. Like, come, come, sort me out. And it'd just be like the view walking up the stairs. Of the bum hole. Of a child's bum hole. Pooey bum hole, yeah.

Leaning over the bath. Or when they've tried to wipe and it's up. Oh, no. That's the thing. You want to teach them to do it themselves, but it's worse. It's so much worse. It's messy. And it's up. Oh no. That's the thing. You want to teach them to do it themselves, but it's worse. It's so much worse. It's messy. And it's up their arm.

They get it up their back and then it's on their hand and it's on their arm and it's in their fingers. And then you go in and he's like, I tried. And you're like, what do they do with it?

What with Lou Roll or without? Because that's going to indicate to me you've done it with your bare hand. Yeah, just don't bother. What do they do when they go to school? Do the teachers help them? No, they don't poo at school. do when they go to school do the teachers he doesn't put no they don't put school well if they need to put school it doesn't put school but sometimes you need to put school doxy will put school colby won't so and will they get help going to the toilet then no you're you're on your own so you're dealing with the skitters when they return hang on so sometimes they come home from school with skinny

pants skinny pants well they do try but yeah yeah. Fucking hell, they're only little. Still, I think the teacher should, it's above and beyond the call of duty, but I think the teacher should help them. I just don't think you're allowed. Safeguarding. Because there's too, yeah, there's too many people that are, that would say, no,

please don't touch my child's bum hole. Which is fair. Which is, yeah, fair point, you know? But he gives it a good try. And we do at home encourage, but sometimes when it's a little bit too messy. Yeah. We're dealing with the hands reaching down

into the nappy at the moment. Oh. Because they're like... What, with poo in there? They get intrigued about what's in there. No, I never had that. So you're like... Well, Dottie did.

Holding up their legs with one hand, doing the wipes with the other hand. You need a third hand to keep their hands out of the nappy. It's a fucking nightmare. It's like a military operation. Yeah. I'm constantly like...

Ah, ah, ah, no, no, no. Don't touch that. Dottie, Dottie. Dottie. Dottie boy. nightmare it's like a military operation yeah i'm constantly like anywho so you can get in touch with us on anything at all yeah it can be serious or silly and you can be totally anonymous because between us we've probably heard it all before and remember we're all in this together and we know that we are we're all stars and we see that so each week we'll be sharing our secrets and yours in the secret mom club and here's my secret of the week hit me hit me down you were going exactly where i was with that that's all destiny's child yeah yeah do you want to sing it can you keep up baby boy let me lose my breath right you know i said that we didn't we had a little bit of a tough week yeah with school and we're still trying to learn teachers teachers we're trying to learn about the teacher teachers trying to learn about us as well as learning about well i always say this right and i take all credit

i give all credit to to teachers because not only they've got to learn 30 children they've also got to learn potentially 60 parents no don't they just say mom and dad that's what they do at nursery they 60 yeah but everyone they're like hello mum hello dad yeah not only that but you have to learn still have to learn about the mum or the dad yeah or the grandma you have to probably know a little bit about their situation at home don't course and their personalities also how to communicate with them and so forth so i felt like not gonna lie i actually found the last two weeks a little bit overwhelming one standing in a playground with brand new people that i obviously have never shared a playground with before very

overwhelming very daunting and a little bit nerve-wracking i know some might be surprised that i've been shitting myself but i have have you i do find it really daunting yeah i find it really intimidating and the situation to be thrown into isn't it yeah and then everyone just congregates into because they've all come from they've all everyone just congregates into, because they've all come from... They've all got their own groups already. Yeah, because they've all come from the other schools. They've all got their own little groups and everyone just clicks together

and you kind of just stand there a bit like a spare part at a wedding, like... Yeah. Hey, guys. And then you get your little space in the playground. Nobody... Everyone just cuts in front of you. So the other day, I stood there for ages in the boiling

boiling hot sunshine right feel like my back was blistering but i got a spot right at the very front so he was going to see me so i stood there so this man just come and stood in front of me what so now i can't see my child so then colby came out before his child so i just looked around and i was like yeah that's my child right there that i was been stood here for 25 minutes blistering in the sun yeah so that he can see me thank you so much so yeah i found the whole the whole playground situation god it's a whole and i feel like the older the children get maybe maybe a little bit more scary the parents get it's a lot of politics in the playground

isn't it yeah like i don't know whether it's just me or it's just me over analyzing or stressing about it like i've had some lovely conversations i've got nothing to worry about but we did have a situation with colby this is my secret of colby came home one day and he was he come out and he was really upset and he was like i got i got i was bad today i had to sit on the carpet and he got really upset and he didn't know what he'd done he was trying to explain it but he was he come out and he was really upset and he was like i got i got i was bad today i had to sit on the carpet and he got really upset and he didn't know what he'd done he was trying to explain it but he was like as they do because he was so beyond himself and i was like don't worry look i talk about it with the teacher tomorrow i evidently had to go to work so chris had to go in i feel like you can see where we're going with this chris didn't talk to the teacher which was a friday which was great so then i had to wait the whole weekend why did he talk to the teacher

he didn't know he had to yeah yeah i explained everything to him i just couldn't i just couldn't get close to her i just chris he was she was she was come she was talking to somebody else and then she was busy and she kind of went back in and i'm like i didn't want to have this confrontation with her but now this is why you have to do everything yourself so i went in on the monday colby came out again was a little bit upset and he was just like oh i think i've been bad today and i was like right i'm gonna go and speak to this teacher what's going on why are you being bad so i went up to the teacher and i was just like i just want to have a chat with you never spoken to the teacher may i add i've spoken to her like very briefly minutely very quick like hello how are you oh yeah yeah good yeah yeah nice we get a

great yeah so i was like right i just want to have a chat about colby just want to see how he's getting on she was like yeah he's doing really great i'm really proud of him he's settled in so well he's making lots of friends he's a really lovely little boy and i was like he sat on the rug he doesn't understand why he sat on the rug and she was just like oh he just wasn't listening at the back of the class and I just said I it was important I needed him to listen um and I just said because he was a little bit hot and flustered I said to come sit on the rug and just have a little bit of chill out time I looked at Colby I was like okay I'll explain that to Colby she was like yeah no no he hasn't done anything wrong and then he had another episode where he got told he'd lost his lunch break but basically what

happened is he had this paragraph of writing to write they had to copy it word for word but he wrote it in a whole sentence so the teacher came over and said you've had a lot of time and I did say that we needed to write this in a paragraph and you didn't so if we don't get this done you're potentially going to lose your lunch break so Colby come out and he was really upset and he was like i'm gonna lose my lunch break so i also brought that up with her and i was like he's gonna lose his lunch and she went no he's he's not gonna lose his lunch we just said that he had five minutes to do it and he had a lot of time to do it in and if we couldn't get the work finished we needed to do the the worky bits before we have fun so we needed to make sure we just get a Swifty on,

otherwise we'd potentially be losing our lunch break. She was like, it wasn't a big deal. And then I got into the car with Colby and I was like, dude, you made that out to be such a big deal. Do you think that is him getting the wrong end of the stick though? Or like, are they not explaining it to him? The reasons why he's having to do stuff? He isn't listening. Oh, he's just not listening. No, he's not taking it in him the reasons why he's having to do stuff he isn't listening oh

he's just not listening no he's not taking it in he's not listening at all and so i explained that to him and he went oh yeah i remember now oh my god so he does know i've been stressed all weekend that the teacher hates him and that he doesn't want to return back to school and that he's this really bad little boy but when i explained it to him he went oh yeah yeah i remember that yeah yeah i remember she said that and it's i'm right at the back of the class it's really hot and the fan can't reach me you know cheers for putting me through that stress all weekend so that was my secret of the week i'm just finding the little i'm just finding it learning to um learning new teachers and for the teacher to learn to us i feel like it's a big deal and i feel like i i don't know

i don't feel like i'm like doing enough like i feel like i should be talking to more people or make myself more but then i feel like i'm just over complicating have you still got your mum friend that you yes stalked and made her become your friend i didn't still come but yeah we talked to each other that's nice we talk to each other every day and colby's friends with her little boy yes really good friends like their their ride or dies they're nice they lunch together sit together play together and they they've congregated some more friends in this week so i've got some they're building a little crew yeah they have got really nice little friends but yeah i just i don't want anyone else to feel like it's if you found it a bit daunting it's so hard isn't it it's like

it's a little bit like nursery but i imagine it's worse with school is that you just like chuck them into this building and you don't see them until the end of the day and you're just a bit like what have you been up to i can't say it like that because it makes me so sad because that's the whole reason you'll never know like not cameras in the classroom so you just have to be like tell me what you get up to at the end of the day you can't say stuff like that you can't have cameras in the classroom i know you can't but you can't scare me like that now i'm back in the knowledge and i had a conversation with a friend about homeschooling i play this awful game with myself that i would want to i would love to homeschool the children one i'm not educated enough educated enough. And two, they need social interaction.

No, I think they have a lovely time when they're there. But why? I think it's really hard. They're still just a number in the system though, aren't they? No. Yeah. Look, I had a really positive experience of school. I didn't.

Tragic. I think it can be. Childhood trauma. Fantastic. But it's just hard not knowing what they're up to when they're in there. Yes. And they might not tell you. They might not remember.

They might not be listening. No.'ll never truly never truly know and we just got to take the word of the teacher but if anybody is worried i think my only advice to give you is to definitely don't sit on it to talk to the teacher because i was nervous about talking to her maybe that's my advice is to talk to them definitely do get some advice yeah speak to them about it don't sit on it or stew on it because it yeah i think that would have eaten me alive keep the channel of communication yes open respect each other our nursery worker said she's going to put a body cam on joseph the other day because she was like he's so funny when he's here i'd love for you to see what he's up to i was like

we get pictures oh they didn't do like tapestry videos what's tapestry tapestries like we had it at preschool i don't know if it's everywhere but it's basically like a little it's basically like a little website web like your own little login account and they put all your videos yeah all your photos and stuff like that and then they do his the key workers do his reviews and stuff on them and then put them on there yeah we have an app with pictures and videos but it's not the same it's not the same but yeah so that was my secret so next we're going to be hearing some of yours on the secret mum club this is the secret mum club the safe space for you to share your secrets. We've got three secrets from you this week and we're going to be discussing them.

Emma, number one. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Over to you. Over to you. Hi, ladies. I have two teenage girls, 16 and 13. A husband. Nice. Second.

Basically a third child. Oh, is that our two children? A husband and there is normally a boyfriend or friend about two. Not my boyfriend. What? Jesus Christ! That was such a confusing way of putting it. I've got two children, a husband and a boyfriend.

We all live together happily ever after. Wow! Hey! Tell us how you're doing. She says, not my boyfriend, I hasten to add. I keep him in the shed wink uh with all these people in the house we go through tons of toilet paper i mean i'm literally buying a 32 roll pack every week what do they do with it anonymous oh my god right teenage i was gonna say so it's gonna be boys and i was gonna say jesus um i don't think we really i don't think we should be questioning whether lou roll should we whether it's when there's teenage girls and bog roll and

boyfriends no i see what you're getting out here i see what you're getting and what with your boyfriend in the shed where is he shitting in the woods take a couple of rolls down to shit in the shed i don't know i don't that's only four a family of four and then like an extra say boyfriend friend six people 32 rolls a week i can't do the math right let's divvy this up should we get a calculator yeah do i feel like this is 32 divided by say six people in the house 32 divided between six it's five so each person is getting through 5 rolls of toilet roll a week that's not normal 5 each

5 each a week that's nearly 1 a day who's getting through 1 roll of toilet roll a day I don't know I just feel like we maybe shouldn't ask your daughters yeah that might be

boyfriend or friend it's a boyfriend or friends that's it's not all boyfriends maybe the 16 year old has her boyfriend so the young one maybe has her friends friends round yes wow that's an expensive wow that's a lot of bug roll yeah i reckon you need to be putting up no don't be putting up a camera because you do i don't think we i don't think you want to know maybe where the bug i'm just trying to think of what bug roll i go through camera in the toilet yeah it's illegal that is illegal for a start especially your own children as well how much do you get through i say your house we get through probably about nine a week that's quite a lot yeah i think chris

shits a lot he does he shits like all the stories about him on this podcast i keep telling him he needs to go to the doctors he has about five six shits a day that's not normal he thinks it is is he okay hun i do ask him but he's just he loves spicy food but the spicy food just doesn't agree with him he's learned to take an imodium now though when we're traveling because otherwise we can't get nowhere without him needing a poo wow like if we'd not if we traveled to lego land he would have stopped about three four times for a poo. No, I'm the same, but with wee's. It was okay. Are you?

Yeah. Yeah, my sister's husband's wee and she goes really angry. I have to plan like motorway journeys by where the service stations are because the thought of not being able to stop is, just fills me with panic. I just never, ever stop for a wee or a poo. You're like a camel. Yeah, I am a camel.

You never need to go. Do you know what? I went to, I had one wee when we were at to go. Do you know what? I went to, I had one wee when we were at Legoland. Did you? All day. That is also not normal. I think you're dehydrated.

Well, I drank a lot of water actually. Oh really? I did drink a lot of water. Because I say this to Stefan all the time. He brags about never needing the toilet and I'm like, but you're severely dehydrated. No, I do drink a lot.

He needs to drink more water. I just know how to hold it. But yeah, I would, I would say, in my house that's quite average but i just wouldn't maybe question where the bug roll goes that's a lot i it's a lot of bug roll what i can recommend is i buy mine for one of these online online companies and you buy like a hundred rolls at a time you can buy them on tiktok shop can you yeah it's good value and you never feel like you're running out because you've got millions i would say i would say we need to find the criminal who's using all this bug role have you questioned people have you questioned them also ration them ration them that they have to take their own role to the toilet when they go assign them assign them two roles

at the start of the week yes and say you've got to make this last and if you don't things are going to change around and you need to find the culprit i think we only get through about four a week in my house but joseph's really in nappies isn't he oh that's true and baby wipes he's not using them and you're basically two a week then two per person per week if that i would say actually it probably lasts us a little bit longer also stefan's never there yeah so it's basically you you're getting through four roles yeah i'm actually not far off i'm slagging these people off i'm the same but shall we roll into number two yeah let's have secret but please let us know actually i actually want to know about the yeah ration it out let us know who's the culprit of all the bog roll. Yeah. Please. Keep us updated.

But number two. This one says, Hello, Safina and Emma. When I was 21, I lost my mum very suddenly to a brain hemorrhage. My world was ripped apart and so was my heart. Five years later, I gave birth to my firstborn, a boy,

and then another two years later, my daughter was born. My grief changed from a raw personal grief to a longing and sadness for my children missing that bond they would have had with their nanny. Every birthday celebration or milestone is faced with immense pride and happiness shortly followed by an internal silent second wave of utter sadness. This subject is difficult to talk about. We have a tendency to give the illusion that we all just keep calm and carry on. You don't often hear from experiences of parents,

guardians or caregivers parenting without their own parents. For anyone out there like me, keeping their sadness a secret, protecting themselves and their loved ones from the unspoken words of grief. You're not alone. And if you haven't been told lately, you're doing an amazing job. Thank you, ladies, for creating a safe space to share these kinds of thoughts. I love the podcast. Emma. Oh, Emma.

That's something that I think about a lot actually because i think like we're so lucky to still have all of joseph's grandparents in his life my mum especially i think when you have a baby you if you have a good if you're lucky enough to have a good relationship with your mum that is such an important relationship like it just helps and it makes you feel sad that there's somebody out there that hasn't had that yeah and it makes you feel sad that there's somebody out there that hasn't had that yeah and it makes you feel selfish like it makes me feel bad yeah if you take it for granted or like i don't i've joked on here about like joseph you know joseph and my mom's relationship and whatever but actually i know really we're so so lucky to have that yeah and she loves having

grandchildren and it's it's an amazing relationship so to not have that. Yeah. And she loves having grandchildren and it's an amazing relationship. So to not have that, I think, is really, really hard. Yeah, so insanely hard. But what an incredible woman you are raising your two children. And it's so hard because you don't want to be that cliche person, do you, that sits here and says she'd be so proud of you. But you're doing such an incredible job. And to have, like, two babies, like, oh. Yeah, that's a really sad one. And to have like two babies. Like. Oh.

Yeah. That's a really sad one. I hope you talk about her. It's really hard. Because yeah. Like I hope. And people always say with grief. Don't they?

Like always say their name. And like I refer to my grandma. We call her Grandma Dot. And obviously I've spoken about it before. With regards to like Dottie. Used to talk to them when she was really little. Yeah. I refer to my Grandma Dot. We talk to them when she was really little I referred to my grandma dot we talk about them like they are just not here right now yeah um yeah we've spoken about

it previously I don't ever say that they're not you know they've passed away or that they've died or something like that I don't personally like those words we just say they're just not here right now yeah um and it's for another day And that's how I personally like to say it. But it's so hard, isn't it? Yeah. Talk about her. Show them pictures. 21 is so hard though as well.

Really hard. Like an age to lose a parent, isn't it? So young. So young. Even 25. There's just no one like your mum. Like the relationship that you have. If you are lucky

enough to be close there's like that's a really hard relationship to replicate like the person I'll call with like the most boring information about like what I had for dinner I'd like would only call my mum and say that and that's like yeah that's a really hard relationship I don't feel like you have that of anyone else really but thank you Thank you so much for making others feel. Indigenous and non-Indigenous youth cope with cyber aggression, working to bridge the diversity gap in child psychology research. At UBC, our researchers are answering today's most pressing questions. To learn how we're moving the world forward, visit ubc.ca forward happens here. Yeah, because there must be a lot of people in that situation.

That was a really lovely email as well. Yeah yeah thank you for sharing that with us emma and that's it's also that's a big thing to share isn't it with i want to say a stranger even though we're we we talk to people and yeah as much as i'm so grateful to have everybody and the people that are listening to us that's it that's something so special isn't it so personal so personal yeah so thank you so much for for sharing that with us yeah thanks emma all right final secret let's roll in the week three this one says hi soph and emma my husband is a farmer and we have two little girls five and three years old when we posse trained both of them we taught them the arts of nature wheeze as we're often out in places where there isn't a toilet roll forward to a sunny july day and my daughters

are playing outside our house on their bikes with my in-laws and myself my youngest says mommy i need a nature wee which isn't unusual so i pick her up and hold her to do a nature wee when my mother-in-law shouts my gosh she's doing my gosh my gosh she's doing a poo and then look down and she's done a perfect little turd in the middle of the grass on the front lawn good thing we don't have any neighbors she thinks it's hilarious and my oldest daughter likes to tell people that her sister is feral because she poos outside kind regards mother of two wild at heart little girls oh i love that you did that didn't you basically letting colby go to the toilet outside yeah yeah in the garden dotty colby would happily steal we in the garden yeah if we didn't tell him that you you've got to stop

pissing in the garden you need to come indoors what about it's the middle of december now stop pissing in the garden um neither of mine will poo anywhere other than home now stop pissing in the garden um neither of mine will poo anywhere other than home and simply in a toilet in a toilet yeah our toilet they won't poo anywhere outside of the house really and dotty is funny when you say to her to need a week again she's a bit like me she'll hold away she'll she'll keep holding and holding that's brilliant where age yeah whereas if you say to her to go out for a wee she'll be like i can't i don't need it anymore she'll so you'll be pants down in a bush bear in mind she can't do it it's normally my ass it's out to if there was anybody past her buyers yeah and you hold her and with a girl so boys obviously you just stand face in the bush yeah with a girl you don't know so you've got to basically pants

trousers pants down and then you've got to kind of cup them. Yeah. So you've got to get the legs up while supporting the back. So hang on. So is she facing you and you lift her legs up or she's got her back to you? Right, I'm going to demonstrate this, okay? She's got her back to you. She goes down, right? So she's facing me.

She's facing you. Yep. So my bum is basically you if you're walking past me in the street. I basically have the trousers down, pants down. Yeah. And then she kind of sits her legs, knees in my hands here. And she holds onto your shoulders. Hold onto my neck. So we've got to keep the legs apart

so that we don't piss on my shoes, piss on her clothes, her legs. And then, yeah, we basically hold like this. You can come here if you want. So you get to that point and she gets stage and then we're here and i'm holding like i'm snotting hold on a second we're here holding and i'm like all right my back and then she'll go she's doing this she gets stage fright i can't go i don't need it anymore and i'm like okay like oh wow yeah yeah

that's amazing every time so if you have a second child if it's a girl when you have a harder it's harder so much harder yes these two little girls as well yeah i love that though i'd love to just have the space to just roam around and be like yeah just go to the toilet wherever you want or even worse in the garden in the summer sorry i don't know why i've ran we got a runny nose um in the garden in the summer she just stood there just stood in the middle of the garden just let the weed yeah all down her legs didn't understand why colby's was a a rocket out of his willy and she just stood there and it just went yeah yours isn't gonna do the same thing doesn't do the same thing and then to emphasize that we had the whole process in the summer of her not only we instead of up in the

garden thought it'd be really great to try it over the toilet oh yeah it still doesn't work indoors yeah either yeah no no it doesn't work but that's funny isn't it that's really funny that's two accidental poo stories that we've had today we i feel like our like audience is really getting to know us what makes us tick or me because you i love a poo you're not so partial of a poo no i don't mind it's growing on you the poo i don't mind a bit of toilet humor we haven't any update on joseph's poo how is he doing he's a little bit better thank you but we are on a um and on a daily diet not daily every other day diet of prunes nice just keep it a little bit regular yeah bless his arm yeah shame them beans

don't get out i know you would think wouldn't you because he's a lot maybe it works in the reverse it's bunging him up tell you what that he does trump like a trooper go on my boy get down with their jump bits yep sometimes you just see you see yep you see him on the monitor he just rolls over in bed he's like let him rip that's iconic i'm like go on my boy go on my boy let him rip. That's iconic. I'm like, go on my boy. Go on my boy.

So thank you for sharing your secrets this week. Everyone is welcome in the Secret Mum Club. If you want to share your secrets with us, you can. The email is hello at secretmumpod.com or we're secretmumpod on TikTok and Instagram. Do you have a toilet roll black hole in your house? Or are you addicted to playing the kids games at night? Drop us a line and let us know because we all know that sharing is caring and we'll see you on friday for another bonus episode

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