Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Magic Photo

Episode Date: January 25, 2024

What’s creamy, lumpy, and definitely not cottage cheese? You’ll find out soon because this week the ladies dive straight into the bodily fluids chat! On a somewhat cleaner note, they also get some inside knowledge from a midwife, a listener shares their swimming journey, and there’s a case of a badly timed saucy photo. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello this is the secret mom club i'm safina and i'm emma and welcome to your thursday's episode where we get to squeeze in all the extra bits and bobs from the week and all of your comments thoughts questions and fun stories to keep you going through the weekend so shall we jump right in let's let's And it's time for a Correspondence Corner. Still not my favourite. No. We still need to work on something, don't we? We do.

We say it every week. But then we're not allowed to talk to each other. We don't talk to each other. Between records. I watch your stories on the sly. Yeah. Because I have to, like, I can't interact with them so that you know that I've read them. I've read them all.

Yeah. I'm like, oh, God, fuck. You watch them in dark mode. I do. I do you watch them in dark mode i do i do watch them in dark mode dim down the lights really dark and then watch them in the dead of the night with no sound a private browser all right here's the first one it says hi soph and emma i've just finished listening to the fugly baby secret do you remember that yes i do and it reminded me of when i had my firstborn. One of my biggest worries was that he would be ugly. Oh. I did worry about that when I had my first baby

because you never know what they're going to turn out like, do you? You do never know, no. When he was born, the midwife said, he's gorgeous, to which I replied, you have to say that. My mum burst out laughing and the midwife replied, if the baby's ugly, we avoid this conversation altogether. Turns out he was a gorgeous little bubba and I had nothing to worry about.

Love you both, Kerry from Glasgow. Oh, so if they think the baby's fugly they just don't talk about it yeah that's very clever i really like now you know if they don't say anything you've got an ugly baby shit we don't watch all the midwives on the day please just let me know that my baby to be fair yeah just be polite was fugly yeah you've said that there is a trend actually going around on tiktok at the moment where you share the picture that you announced your baby with but the actual first picture you took of them oh yeah no some of mine are dotsy's are in the depth of a locked way hard drive in a box never to be seen again her hair her umbilical cord never to be seen to be buried in the garden like a time capsule basically that no one's ever gonna find that one's ever gonna dig up poor thing but copies

copies would be great because he's a cute yeah he was a cute little dude you do worry about that before you have i used to say that to my mom they're like what if my baby's not cute and she used to say you will always think they're cute and i was like that's not technically true with some of our listeners well no it's, it's not, is it? But my hormones told me that he was cute when he was born. My delulu told me that she was cute. Yeah.

And now you look back at the pictures and you think, fuck it. Squashed. Fat. One piece of hair this way. Red. Bruised.

Yeah. And all that congealed white stuff on the head that no one tells you about. What is that? Oh, is it vernix? It's like that covering on their skin, isn't it? Yeah, the big white.

And it was so thick to get off. Yeah, waxy. And it's on them for so long, isn't it? Well, it should start. And you're kissing it, aren't you? You're kissing it. I don't think Joseph had a lot because he was lumps. Is that vagina discharge?

Like it's like really thick clotted cheese, isn't it? Discharge. He didn't have it. He was lumps. Is that vagina discharge? Like it's like really thick clotted cheese, isn't it? Discharge. He didn't have it. And you're just like. Basically licking the baby, aren't you? And it's so delulu in this whole. I basically pulled Dottie out of my vagina. Pulled her up.

And I was just like. Yeah, you're basically. And looking back now. Licking your own vagina juice. That's my vagina juice yeah blood this is tmi should have maybe give you that warning before but anywho um yeah and all that clotted cheese on them yeah joseph didn't have that was it like clotted cheese yeah no cottage cottage cheese cottage cheese yeah i wouldn't say it was as delicious as

cottage cream that would be nice yeah cottage cheese it was big white lumpy oh i'd love a baby covered in clotted cream imagine they just came out like a full-on baked cake i would they do come out don't they i would lick it dry that's her baby she would like a draft but yeah you're so delulue in that moment aren't you you just like just do whatever. Joseph didn't have it because I think if they're overdue, they've like shed it already. Were yours early? Both early, yeah. Oh, there you go then.

Isn't it funny? Because I feel like every time everyone has a baby, I feel like natural. Can I say natural or cesarean? Yeah, because it is. You're supposed to say vaginal or cesarean. Vaginal, sorry. That's me being politically incorrect. So yeah, vaginal or cesarean i feel like everyone goes through that moment of the ah the lion simba

yeah yeah with the white line because they've got blood on them i feel like in that split second that everyone's mind whether you're showing the baby over the curtain and everyone just holds the baby, don't you? I told Stefan I want curtain down for my cesarean this time and he said no. Absolutely not. Oh. I want to see what's going on.

Do you? Yeah, I think so. What if you... What if I what? I'll pass out. I won't. Do you not play? No, I'm hardcore.

What a fucking shoot. She's hardcore. Stefan, though. I would definitely be on the floor. I need to be in a whole like... i'm not fucking shooting you she's like stephan though i would definitely be on the floor i need to be in a hole like um what i need is like paramount plus a whole bubble with a little tv in there no sound like an mri scan yeah when you go into the tunnel because that one i went in the other day i thought was gonna get stuck in it because my belly was so big they're quite

claustrophobic like so tired aren't they yeah honestly i get stuck in it because my belly was so big. They're quite claustrophobic. They're quite tight, aren't they? Honestly. I thought my belly button, because my belly button's like a big boob, isn't it? I thought it was going to... Go through that thing, I thought. I had to hold my belly button down because I thought, we're going to get jammed in here. We're going to get straight... They'll have to lube me out.

I was sat in that. That would be me no giving birth i'd be like you giving birth coming out of the mri burping me from the mri machine yeah it was fucking mental that thing but yeah i could do with like a little a little cocoon yeah so you can't see what's going on yeah i don't know if i want to see my um i can't even watch them take blood out of my oh really yeah no i always like look at stuff like that i'm fine with the baby so she's always on me when i cut my finger open with colby that was a bit much really yeah it was like my finger was like gaping open oh and then the man the man washed it with this solution, just squirted water in it to see if... And it just... It opened and was flapping.

And then the man goes, yeah, I think it's fine. I think we just put a plaster on it. I can see my bone. I think we need some string in here. So yeah, then I had to go to A&E and I was stitched up. Yeah, I was going to send those stitches. I was 11 weeks pregnant with Colbus. Wow. Yeah. No, I had to go to a&e and i've been stitched up yeah i was 11 stitches 11 weeks pregnant with colbus wow yeah no no i had to be stitched up god i've had no no bloody skin it would have just all rotted off what did you do is it a knife no i was washing up in the bowl

yeah glass just broke and i'd skim the glass all my accidents are glass walk through a glass door had to be stitched back up broke a glass stitch back up you should be plastic only oh to be fair better for the planet isn't it plastic yeah no no shit that's the opposite i think plastic is bad for the planet okay anywho we've got one more message here it says hi lovely ladies i'm just listening to you talking about taking the babies for swimming lessons my babies are now 10 and 8 and we never took them to lessons or hardly ever to the pool we had a holiday in mallorca booked and decided they needed to learn how to swim for fun but also to keep them safe while we were away we decided to teach them ourselves yes this is the kind of

story this is the content that we want this is what we need to ask about my microphone um she says let's face, lessons are a bloody fortune. They are. Are they shit? Literally. They're great. I love them. She says, my little list was like a fish and took to it quickly,

but my boy was a completely different story and was terrified of letting himself go and learning. We persevered and he had the basics down, but he wasn't confident. However, when we went on holiday, it just clicked. By the end of the holiday, they were both diving and swimming up a storm. My point is, don't stress about lessons. Take them yourselves and they'll figure it out. Love, Claire.

This is the best fucking news. Claire, Claire, Claire. This is the feel good content I'm here for. I'm living for this content. This is absolutely incredible, isn't it? Yeah, making us feel better. Claire, God love you. Someone send claire something in the post please thank you claire care for president prime minister go on claire that's great isn't it it's so reassuring because we've

spoken about how much we hate it i have contemplated it in my head just you know just going with it and sort of because i said to colby how would you feel if mommy came swimming with you and he was like as long as i can take my we call it a spaghetti noodle yeah pool noodle yeah he's like as long as i can take my poo noodle that's a different kind of party poo choppers poo noodles pool noodle but i said if dotty is with me or chris and colby's with me or chris we can have one each. Yeah. Because I think we're going to try it. Yeah. What happens when you have a third baby

and you're outnumbered? That one's not going to learn to swim. We've got three. Three months? Yeah. You've got time. We don't have three months. I don't know who we're fucking kidding.

What I might do is I might just go on holiday with my nieces and nephew the baby's cousins. Yeah. And they'll all be in the pool together. There'll be six of them. And they can all swim.

They're older, aren't they? All the four of them can swim. So I just think, well, we'll be on holiday. Yeah. We'll all be together. I would have birthed the baby by then. Yeah. So I just think that might just be the only way.

Yeah, I think throw them in at the deep end and see how they get on. Yeah. You know? Well, not literally. I'm not. No, not. I mean, figuratively. Figuratively.

What she said. Yeah. I love that, though, I'm not. No, not, I mean figuratively. Figuratively. What she said, yeah. I love that though. I love that. Because I feel guilty about everyone that's been taking their baby swimming since they were four weeks old and now they're bloody fluent in swimming at two. Now they're fucking, what's his name, diving off the board. Bloody Tom Daley. Yeah.

Just barely even getting in the pool. Little pants. Yeah. So I love that for you. Love that for you, Claire. Love that for you, Claire. Love that for you, Claire. So thank you for your messages.

If you have any comments, thoughts or funny stories, why not get in touch? Why not? Why not? Why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you? Yeah. We can give you a platform. Email us.

Hello at secretmumpod.com or with Secret Mumpod on TikTok and Instagram. Next, it's time for one of your secrets. Welcome back to the Secret Mum Club. The no judgment zone for all your parenting problems. And now it's time for an extra secret of the week. What have we got, Emma? All right, this comes from Hannah. She says, Hello, Soph and Emma.

My five-year-old recently had to go to the hospital for an infection on his finger. The doctor was speaking to me about the infection, but my little boy decided he didn't want to sit still and he started touching

everything in sight. I asked him several times to sit down as I was speaking to the doctor, but I just found it easier to give him my phone to watch videos. Even though I got YouTube up for him, he decided to start scrolling through my messages. Now here's the issue.

Whilst he had the phone, I received a message from my partner. Oh no. Shut your eyes. And hope for the best. It was a picture sent with invisible ink which is where you swipe around the photo to reveal what it is oh my god have you ever seen that before i really hope my baby boy then says i really hope he hasn't said a picture of his

oh mummy magic picture i look down and the next thing i hear is, Mummy, I saw Daddy's massive giant willy on your phone. Oh, no. He then had to tell everyone that he saw a magic picture on Mummy's phone and it was Daddy with a giant willy. I don't think I will ever forget this, nor the doctor, to be honest safe to say i now don't let him have my phone hannah oh hannah at least at least to be fair i don't know what to say he was calling it a giant willie wow kudos to dad kudos to dad giant willie he said he said it more than once is it hannah yeah yeah well done hannah good for you hannah's got that big dick energy. Good for you and your partner. Why is he sending a picture of you? It's Willie.

Where is he at work? Just in a port-y loo? Just for, oh, I'm sending a picture of my dick. That's the thing that people do. Fuck off. People that aren't us. Chris hasn't sent a dick picture of me ever. No.

He's never, I never, I don't even look directly at Chris's aggressive Willie. Because I think if I make direct eye contact, that thing's coming for me. I try and look at it like bombastic side eye and I don't want to stare at it too long. Just too aggressive, isn't it? It's like the one-eyed monster, like rawr. Yeah, scary. I don't want anything. So did the invisible picture go?

Could she keep that in her? Well, that's what I thought it was gonna be when she said invisible picture. I thought it was gonna be like a Snapchat where it disappears. But I think what it is, it stays on your phone, but it's invisible because you have to like erase the screen to reveal it. So you have to like...

It's like a scratch card. Yeah, it's like a scratch card. So do you scratch it off to reveal the image? Scratch to reveal. Why would you... Imagine doing that, but then you're literally scratching... You're rubbing it off. You're literally stroking

off the willy rub off rub off to reveal and imagine just being sat at home i judge myself to be like oh my god i know hannah i love you for this honestly this is so this is this is i love this i'm truly i love that everybody is so different because I don't know how I'd handle in that situation. If anybody wants to send me a dick pic and I'll record myself opening it. Yeah. Or don't. Because I don't think I want an aggressive willy on my phone.

I don't think you ever want anything that's like can be traced back to you. Do you know what I mean? You don't want evidence of anything. I've not sent my vagina to anybody. No, why would you send that? It's too dangerous having it out there. I did send it to once though.

Did you? To the doctor. Oh, right. In COVID. Had an infection, so I sent him a picture of my foofoo. Of your vagina? Yeah.

Wow. I hope they delete that. Is that normal? It was like a cyst. It wasn't like my whole foofoo. It was just like next to it because I couldn't get into the surgery. So they just wanted...

Well, if the NHS gets hacked, my fo gets hacked my food for in for a drink to be fair the whole of southampton university hospital has seen my fanny i was gonna say giving birth with colby it was the student hospital so they had about 11 people in there it's like a conveyor belt of people yeah looking at my food but oh gosh well at least he's got a big willy he's got a big willy and everyone in the doctor's surgery knew about it so yeah good for you good for you i bet you really brightened up that doctor's day i reckon i would have loved it yeah he must have gone home and told his whole family yeah he never guessed what happened to me today i saw a big willy on someone's phone i saw daddy's giant willy yeah imagine people on the level i saw daddy's giant willy daddy oh daddy oh well thank you hannah i love that that's probably one of my favorites to be honest yeah only purely because i'm

i just don't know how i would handle that and also because we're so boring we're not the big willy how would you take it we're living vicariously through you guys so i love these stories i am i'm living every day not only am i living like i'm super living now yeah through the fact that people have just got dildos because that will never happen to us they send their children to school in sex outfits yeah dick pics on their phone squirty katie perry boobs it's a whole new world i don't think we should link Disney to it. No.

Has your phone been hijacked by your little one only for them to reveal a dick pic? Let us know. You can email us hello at secretmumpod.com or we're secretmumpod on TikTok and Instagram. And we'll be back first thing on Monday, Monday. And we'll have more of your messages on our next Thursday episode. And we'll see you next time on the Secret Mum Club.