Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Makeup Disaster

Episode Date: February 10, 2026

Sophiena shares the humbling moment Dottie brutally reviewed her makeup (and didn’t hold back), while Emma navigates birthday party politics at Joseff's new school. Plus, a heartwarming message from a single dad who took the leap into adoption, and an unfortunate itchy legs incident. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, this is the Secret Mum Club. I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. This podcast is a safe space for Mums everywhere. A safe space to share our secrets. Because we all have secrets, don't we? And as we know, sharing is caring. You don't even have to tell us who you are. You can keep that to yourself, you can be anonymous.

And all those secrets can be serious or silly. All secrets are welcome in the Secret Mum Club. It still feels so weird looking into the camera. Still tough, isn't it? They're like Moira Stewart. Who? Moira Stewart. Is that I know?

Oh, did you see the clip the other day about Dinko Humpabert, dink, bink, dinkle, dinkerbink. And some people were like, oh, that's, like, I've never been able to say his name, so you're not alone. Uncle her at humpadick. Humper dick. Humper dick. Ankle her at humpa dink. Uncle her at humpa dink.

It was still with us, we now know. Pumpa ding. How are you? Humperdick. Humperdick. His name, it's not as humpa dick. It is, but humpa dick is better. Hungper dick.

Hunker dick. Hunker dick. How don't you just hump a dick? Yeah, hunker dick. It's like an insult. Chunker dick. Oh, lie. Chunker hunker.

How are you? I'm good. Yeah. We will have had a birthday by the time this goes out. Are you excited? Not we. I do. You and me.

Yeah, ours isn't until July. But how are you on the, because last time we actually discussed the birthday sitch, you actually got an invite from school to have a joint birthday. Well, I was chatting to another one of the dads. And I don't know whether I came across, because I think I can come across a little bit aggressive. I don't know whether you agree. No, we would never think that.

But I was like, oh, we're coming to so-and-so's party on the seventh. I was like, oh, Joseph's birthday on the ninth. When's your little boys? He was like, I was on the sixth. And I was like, well, you stole our fucking weekend. No, I wasn't going to do a school party for Joseph this year. Just because we've just moved. And you want to settle in.

Yeah, I thought, you know, either. Pick out the ones you like and don't like. Exactly. We've got a suss out. Who are the goodies? Who are the badies? No, either it could be a really good way to, like, integrate ourselves and, like, host an event and meet everyone. But also I did just think, it's just a bit much.

We don't, I don't really know everyone yet. And anyway, so I was like, we'll just do a small thing. And would you have had it in the house with everybody in there if you were to do it that way? No, it would be like a hire a leisure centre vibe, which is what everyone else does. So I was chatting to the dad at another one of the parties and he was like, oh, well, the birthdays are so close together. Why don't it just join ours? And I was like, not the birthday party that's in like two weeks. I was like, obviously you've made plans for that.

I was like, I'm not just going to piggyback onto that now. I was like, oh, like God, no, no, it's fine. And I was like, you know, we'll be there. We'll just do a family thing for Joseph. And then maybe from next year, like going forward. When you're settled in. Because some of the children in nursery do do joint parties if their birthdays are close together. Just to make it easier, split the costs, etc.

Yes. So I was like, no, that's a great idea. From next year, maybe. And then Stefan bumped into that dad in the playground. And he was like, he kind of like backtracked. Even though I never said, like, took him up on the offer. But he was, I think he'd obviously gone home and said to his wife, oh, I just said that Joseph could just join our party.

And she was obviously like, what the fuck? What the fuck? No. Like, why have you invited a boy to basically take over our child's birthday party that we barely know? Obviously, I'd said no, but he, yeah, he came to Stefan and was like, oh, I did say this to Emma, but I think basically, reading between the lines, my wife's told me off and been like, no. No, you can't. You can't do that. So he was like, yeah, no, maybe not.

So I was like, oh, God, no. It's because you're in the heat at the moment and you just say things, don't you? He was obviously just being so nice. And then I was like never going to take him up on it. But then I think suddenly afterwards, you know, when you get that fear and you're like, What have I said? Imagine you. I should bring all her family down from Essex. Like, no. Can we just start planning this now? I know you only mentioned it an hour ago, but I'd really have to crack on with this. So I've ordered the cake. I've got balloons coming. No, so we're just going to do like a small, well it would have been already, but we're going to do a small.

Are you inviting them? No, we're not going to, we're not going to, you're not literally not going to do any. It's awkward now because you either, everyone has been invited the whole class. You have to even invite everybody or nobody. And I think because we're not in friendship groups at the moment. Yes. Because they're so little, everyone invites the whole. class. Got you. The whole class. And I don't just want to invite some because that seems very, you know, that's a bit political. But Joseph has said, like, when I've said, oh, you're having a party, he's like, I want X, Y and Z to come. And I'm like, we're not, we're not doing school friends. And he's taking that okay? Oh, I hope it's not going to be disappointed. I mean, I think once he gets presents, he'll just be blinded by that and be excited, because

that's the main thing that he cares about. But it's just going to be like my family, Stefan's family, because obviously they're all nearby. Yes. So it'll be the whole Welsh contingent. And then my mum and dad are staying with us this week. Yeah. So they're going to be there. So we're just doing like a small thing in our house.

That's really nice thing. I say a small thing. We've got like 16 adults and six children. Yeah. Yeah. All his cousins are there. So that's the main thing. That is. Yeah. That's all he cares about.

But nanny and granddad are here. And we've had a full on week. They are, we're making them work. I know when they came down when we moved in and we worked them really hard for like a week. And I was like, next time you come. I promise you'll be able to like... It's going to be harder. Yeah.

I was like, you better... You better. You better work, bitch! Yeah. My dad brings all his tools down and he's like, yeah, they're very... They're doing a lot for us. But I was like, you must go out and have fun and enjoy yourself and do something nice this time. Which Nick and Steve will do, won't they?

They'll go... I don't think they're going to have time, to be honest. Oh, I know. Is you written a list? We've started sanding the parquet floor, which is like, you strike me as someone that's used to sander. Yeah. That's a full-on job, isn't it? It's fucking...

I was just about to say that is a fucking... fucking workout and the dust. Oh my God. I wasn't prepared. It's everywhere. It's everywhere. You'll be eating that for years. The clean up job is going to be...

I mean, it's got into rooms that I didn't even think. You have to literally... You have to put like towels under the door. It's like smoke. Like if there's smoke going around somewhere or something, put it... Towels under the door. Yeah, you've got to butt those doors. Yeah, it's honestly, it's everywhere.

Like every single surface and they're doing it again today while I'm here. So God knows what I'm going to... Well, at the house. Oh, you're not. actually sanding, someone's sanding for you. I'm not fucking, no, Stefan's doing it. Oh, I would never, that's a blue job. I would never.

I mean, obviously, you're, like, you can take apart a sink, come on. I am a blue. Yeah. You're the blue, pink. Yeah. Definitely. But we're the other way around. We're more gender stereotypical.

Anything DIY, gardening, bins, no. That's me. I'll do all the other. Yeah. Chris does. What does Chris do? Unloads the dishwasher, reloads it. Takes the washing out the washing machine.

Yeah, okay. Yeah, put some bits on the area. Yeah. Area. Put some pink in your area. What the fuck. Put some bits in the area. Run, maybe run the hoof around.

Yeah. But I also do do all those things as well. So you're wearing both hats. Yeah. Quite like it. Do you? Yeah. Yeah, I would say sometimes he does the bin.

Sometimes I do the bin. Yeah. It's whoever's there in the moment that is their responsibility or their fuck up. Whoever didn't take the bin out and was first away. Yeah. that's your fault. That's on you, honey. It pisses me off now because it is a blue job,

but it happens on a Friday. And Stefan now works every Friday. So now I've got to do it. So that's another load on my plate. And if I forget, he's like, you forgot the bins. And I'm like, well, you shouldn't have taken a job on a Friday because that's your job.

Yes, that's... Sorry, I actually can't accept that job. Thank you so much for the offer. But it is bin day, and that's my job at home. Sorry, my wife will kill me. She will kill me. killing me so yeah so they're down all week they're working working working doing loads of DIY bits on the house hopefully they get to do something fun and are you party ready um kind of are you having it in the house

having it in the house stephan's mum's making is turtles themed turtle power oh i thought you meant like no heroes in a half shell he's in a half shell yeah thought it was turtles in a half shell turtle power Heroes in a half shell, turtle power. Yeah, their heroes in a half shell and they're green is my favorite lyric from the song. And they're green? And they're green. Oh, yeah. Staying the obvious.

So he's very into that. So we're having a turtle themed party. Stefan's once making a cake. Who's he going to be, Raphael? Raphael is his favorite. Yeah. Raphael is his favorite. Which one eats pizza?

Michelangelo. They all like it, but I think it's Michelangelo's favorite. I'm learning a lot. Oh. And then there's Leonardo. Yes. He's a blue one. Leonardo.

Stefan was into it when he was little, so he was kind of made Joseph be into it. Oh, nice. But now Joseph will be like, before Betty, he's like, tell me a turtle story. And I'm like, I was actually once a turtle. He doesn't know that I don't know anything about it. He just thinks we know everything. Yeah. So I'm like, well.

They're green. They wear half a shell. Once upon a time. And it's always just a variation on like someone gets defeated. But like, Stefan actually said the biggest compliment to me the other day. Did he? He was like, I have to say, I'm really impressed by your knowledge. Like imagination and role play skills.

He was like, I thought you'd be a good pair of. in many ways. He was like, I didn't think that would be your forte. And I was like, me neither. And I'm really surprising myself. He's like, sometimes I hear you saying the stories at night or like role playing nights and castles with Joseph. And he's like, and you're really good.

I was like. That's actually really sweet. That's very touching. Because it's not my like natural strength. You know, I'm good at like practical things. But when Joseph's like, can we play goodies and badies, I'm a bit like, ah, it's not my favorite. But you love a story.

And you're enjoying the story making. No. Oh, okay. I don't like it, but I don't feel like I can say. What bits of parenting do you like? Would you say as your faith? I like a lot of it. Not bedtime.

Bedtime's can be a stretch with Joseph. He's getting a bit better now, but he'll push his luck. He'll be like, another story, another story. And then we're reading a book the other day and it was like, it was Harry McCleary. And it was like, Harry McClary was, wait, is a dog, wait for someone to play frisbee with him and no one had time. Everyone said, they're too busy today. And he went, that's like me when I ask you to play with me. And I was like, what dagger to the heart?

I was like, I always try and play annoying castle games. But a lot of the time, I'm like, no, I'm busy. I know. So I try and say yes, even though I do not. I do not like it. I do not enjoy it. But I can't always be like, no, I'm busy. I mean, there's always things I'd rather be doing, like getting shit done.

But I have to not always just be like, no, too busy. But when I say, no, I'm too busy. Also, more to the point, who the fuck is Harry Maclary? It's a series of books. Fucking hell. About a dog, Harry Maclary from Donaldson's Dairy. and there's loads of them. They're like rhyming.

The dog is called Harry McClary? Yeah. There's loads of dogs. There's bits of maloney, bottomly pots, Hercules Morse, schnitzel von Crum and Muffin McLeigh. I think that's all of them. I've read them a lot. Can you tell?

Wow. Yeah. So it's very into that at the moment. But I was like, what a fucking... I was already feeling quite bad about like sometimes I have to say no to playing. Because I am actually doing productive things like making them dinner. Yes. Or something like that's all of them.

You're just like, can we play? Can we play? Can we play? And sometimes I have to be like, Oh, well, in a minute. minute, I will in a minute. There's a time that they don't ask you to play. And Kobe don't want to play with me no more.

Yeah, but I can play with you. I can play with you right now, but no one will ever eat a meal ever again. Because I've got shit to do. Yeah. Colby takes control off me now and he's like, it's okay. You really don't know. And I'm like, oh, can I play FIFA with you? And he'll go, you don't know what you do with him.

Do you, is that really what you want to do now? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, I'd really have. He's like, all right, then. And then I'll be playing and he'll be thrashing me like 25 mil. And then he'll go, it's all right, ma. I'm okay playing on my own. I'm like, oh, that's sad. So now the roles are reversed.

Do you play like Barbies with Dottie? No, again, she likes to play surveillians. She's not Barbie, she's civilians. She likes to play a surveillance on her own because she says I mess things up. She wants a sofa in the bathroom. And I'm like, honey, unless it's a show's long, we can't really put a free piece sofa in the bathroom.

There's not enough room. And she's like, oh, I don't think you can make a decision. You're not doing it, right? So you can go play downstairs with the baby. Oh, and then you're just with renters. And then I sit with runners And he likes to just launch cars at my head Yeah

That's like a really fun game for him Wow So yeah No I will be sad about the day When he doesn't ask me But it is hard isn't it Like often I'm there on my own And I do have other stuff I need to do

But I'm really aware of not always being like No I can't Yes When he said that the other day I was like fuck me Fuck me Straight to the heart I'm gonna have to get more turtles

Roleplay in Molochia Or just go get some more mingbush Bucke in your hair in McLary Fucking how that's really That's what it sounds like But Say the first one you just said bottomless bumhole. Who?

Who? Who was it? Bottomers, boobot. Bottomly plots. And say the one before you said? Harry MacLerry. No, there was Harry MacLerry. Bottomus bumholes. Booth.

Who? Schittsle von Crum. Schittsall von Crum. That sounds like a hairy bumhole, doesn't it? Name of another one. Muffin McLeigh. Do you think the author was doing like innuendos? Yeah.

Yeah. I said it all day. That's no one else. think they're massive innuendos. No, I'm not going to be able to look at it in the same way now. They're really good books. Crummy bum. Who was it?

Crummy crummy, crumb. He's called Schnitzel von Crum with a very low tongue because he's a sausage dog. But I do always read Schnitzel von Crum with a very big bum. Because he thinks bum and poo hum is really funny. So I'm really feeding into that. Good. Yeah. You should.

Yeah. I find it funny too. I find it funny too. I'm like, no, it's funny. It is funny. It is funny. How's your week then? My week's been great.

I got new tits. New t- No, I didn't get new tics Wow! Fuck me No, was that a Freudian slip Have you had a boob job? No.

Get your tits out for the lads. I've got no tits. I can't show you then. I didn't mean to say tits. I meant I've got new teeth. Yeah, they look good. Sorry, I've been here for two weeks I've actually got myself some tits.

No, teeth. Can you talk? Yeah. Oh, I thought you meant it. I think it's the composite. Maybe the composite's changing my... Does it feel weird to talk? Horrible.

Does it? I'm really struggling. with the metal bars in the mouth. More than the composite? Yeah, the composite's fine. Yeah. I've got no issue with that. It's a little bit funny to bite though.

Is it? When I bite, I'm literally like, am I? Are you allowed to bite into like hard things when you're not supposed to? I don't think you're supposed to be, I don't think I'd be too scared to bite an apple. Yeah. But yes, it's that I've got bars at the bottom and at the top.

You got bars. Buzz. Buzz. It meets. What, are you got a bar, are both top one? Yeah, do you want to see? How can I see that? It's inside a, oh yeah, and top one?

I can't see that one as much but yeah it's there it's in there but I also have got the my removable retainer You're still wearing that

I've got to wait two weeks for those because they need to be moulded now to accommodate for the bar and the compasses the shape of my teeth so I've got wait two weeks and I said to him

when I left I was like Adnam these aren't going to move are they you promise Not with the bar on surely I don't know

I keep looking at them every day and I'm like are they Are you getting paranoid now yeah Because you've already done it twice twice actually three times

Because I did have it when I was 16. Yeah. And now... They look really good. Renly doesn't like them. No, what the hell? He keeps asking me to take them off. He's like off.

Take your teeth off. Yeah, take the teeth off. Not my tits. Sake your tits out of my face. He can tell the difference. I got in the car and I was like, hey, Baba! When I got in the car and he literally went, we wouldn't look at you.

And I was talking to him like you're there, you're me. I was talking to him. And he was going like this. And he keeps touching them and he's like, no. No, no. I don't know whether it's because I don't have the retainer in. So he's confused that I don't have. I don't think it's the composite.

I think it's more because he was used to the retainer with the brackets. Yes, I think that's what is. And that does look quite different. Yes. He'll get used to that though. I hope so. At the moment, he's just not going near me. Well, you're a bit fucked otherwise because you can't change your teeth.

Yeah. Change your baby. Or he just doesn't look at me. He'll go up and I pick him up and he goes. Oh, no. And he just won't look at me. Oh, how sad? Oh, dear.

But we'll get there. They're funny with change, aren't they? It's like when you cut your hair, they're like, no. It's like when I wear my hair down. Or if I have a hat on, hates a hat on, he's got to take the hat off. He's like, no, off. So he'll take the hat off. Or if I like have my hair down for a couple of days, when I first wash it and come

downstairs with my hair down, he's like, no. And he wants to like push it away. And then when he's got used to it after a couple of days and then I start, it gets greasy. So I start putting it up. No. He tries to take the pony out. He's like, no.

You're like, no, honey. My hair's greasyy. I need a mum bun. Yeah, need a mumble. Yeah, they're funny, aren't they? They obviously like, they just like familiarity. Yeah. Oh my God, but you can't take teeth for.

It's a teeth and kitchen. I've got new teeth, new kitchen. Oh, yeah, is it finished? No new tits. It is finished. Good. And I absolutely adore it. And does Chris like it?

Loves it. Good. So many people were concerned he wasn't, he wasn't going to like it. Not because it's pink, but because you said you made all the decisions without him. I did. I did make all the decisions without him. And he's absolutely ecstatic about it. Yeah. So we have spent the last week.

Um, making everything in the kitchen pink. So I've been doing the tour to B&M driving around. I would say Hampshire, but I've actually been down to the Dorset Coast. I know, I was wrong because you said you'd been to Weymouth. And I said it was a tour of Hampshire and you said that's in Dorset. Waymouth's Dorset.

It is Dorset. I think you're a South Coast gal, you know. Bormouth is Dorset. And I think Wymouth is just passed. What is it? I went there. What are you looking for? We've got some new plates.

plenty of months. Why did you have to go to Waimouth? Because that was the only stock that had them in stock in B&M. Can you order online in B&M? No. Nor can you ring the store. A lot of people was like, just ring the store and find out what they've got and you can't. Oh, it was a gamble. It was like a lottery. Yeah, the stock levels go down so quickly. They could put something out and it'd be gone in 10 minutes. It's a whole brunch collection from B&M that I managed to secure over multiple stores. So you drove for how long not knowing it was going to be there? An hour and 20 minutes. And you didn't know? No. But we had a blast in the car. Did you?

We played so many games, music, we sang, we ate. Took all the babies and Chrissy. It was a family affair. Did you do anything else while you were there? Or was it just like being in home? My sister was like, oh my God, did you go to the beach? Nothing. No.

No, like fish and chips on the beach. Actually, it was pouring with rain. Oh, was it. It was yeah. Well, to be fair, it was on and off. It was sunny and then it was rainy. But when it was sunny, it was actually freezing cold and we didn't take the children's coats. But I will always give them the option.

So I said to him, do you want to go to the beach? And they were like, no, it's really late. We've been doing this for hours. Can we get home? Yeah. Come on, let's get home and use any of cups. You've got your plates though. Yeah, cups, plates.

I've got the lot. Everything is very pink at the moment, yes. What shade are we talking like? Pink is your hat? We've got all different shades. It's like a home from home, Secret Mom home. Yeah. It's all different shades of pink.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Some has bows, some's a heart. Some are gold, some are silver. Wow. I know. Sounds like quite the mix. documented it all on my TikTok so I would say that you haven't seen any of them put it on

instagram so I can see it I'm a millennial I'm on I'm on the tickety tockerdy not on Instagram I haven't been seeing I haven't put any of it on Instagram actually I haven't been seen you I put my update on my teeth on there you're not really coming up on my I know because I'm trying my best to I took a I take moments where I can't post any videos so I really made it my 2026 mission to get back into posting my videos because I really miss posting them and obviously the dynamic of home bearing of mind I've done this for six years the dynamic of is so different now. I feel like I'm not able to change. Do you know what I mean? Like I feel like because I, when I first started this, Colby was three. Dottie was 18 months old doing my socials.

They're now nine and seven. And they've changed so much that I feel like I'm really struggling to let go and flow with the change because I want to carry on doing their lunch boxes. And I want to be like, this is what my 25 year old ate for lunch today, you know. And it just doesn't, it doesn't work, you know. But obviously we've got Renly's going to preschool in April, so I'll be back doing his lunches. But I feel like I'm struggling with like the change of my of my socials. So I'm trying to just get back and just post what makes me happy. And I've actually really loved it. But I don't want to overload myself for posting on TikTok and Instagram.

Yeah, it's a lot. And as well, if I talk too much on my Instagram, I've got fuck old to talk to here about you. Yeah. You know? That's good actually. Because when we do see each other, we genuinely have a lot to talk about. Generally we have no clue what we've been fucking up to. No.

Otherwise it's like, Wunderweaves. I've already seen that. Yeah, seen it all. I know about your teeth and your kitchen. Yeah, I'm my tits apparently. So there you go. So no, pretty, I was going to say pretty quiet week for me.

It's not been quiet at all. No. It's been busy. Yeah. Teeth, kitchen, toward a B&M. Yeah. And a little bit of the range in there. Yeah.

And LLD. Yeah. I've done them all. I've got been out of being cute. You go and get what you need. And then you go home and they go, seven's like, oh, I need a bit more of that. Got down there again.

Something like 10 minutes away. Need some more decorators, cork. Decorators cork. No more nails the other day. They don't last very long, do they? No more nails, I feel, doesn't work. Well, it says no more nails. And you know when they glue a chair to the wall?

And then the man sits on the chair. No. No. We glued some panels to the wall. But it did work. But one tube's gone like that. Yeah. I mean, we don't know what the fuck we're doing.

So he's like, he's going to get some more of that. Run out of sand in paper yesterday. Do you lose the, grilla? Guerrilla. No, unibond. Oh, nice. Other brands are available. Other brands are available.

Other stores are available. Yeah, sorry, yeah. I should say. So Emma and I really want to hear from you. Yes, we do. We want you to join us in the Secret Mum Club. You're all welcome. You can share your secrets with us.

Respond to what we've been talking about or just say, Hello! You can find us on TikTok and Instagram. Just search Secret Mumpod, or you can email us hello at secretmumpod.com. I think my voice is going a little bit. Is it? Yeah, it did actually go last week. Oh, hello.

I feel like the two weeks apart, I wasn't in last week. So we were catching up this week a little bit. Not that you would know because to you, the process is seamless. Thank you to our amazing team. We would be lost without them. They're all giggling here, but actually we would have fuck old without them. So, yeah, we haven't seen each other. Yeah.

And now it seems like we've forgotten how to do it. I feel like I literally have got my pants around my ankle. It feels like ages. It's so funny, isn't it? It's like dating in the dark, isn't it? But the lights are on, it's not dark. The lights are on, nobody's home. We are not dating.

It's time for the correspondence corner. I thought you were going to go low. Low, low, low, low, low. Apple bottom jeans. Boots with the fur. With the fur. The whole club was looking at her. She hit the floor.

She hit the floor. Next thing you know, she already got low, low, low, low, low. Do you remember the clubs used to go wild when that came on? Strobe in. There'd be strobe lights. Yeah. And you'd be all like Applebottom J's in the club, wouldn't you? Yeah.

Never wore Applebottom J's. I was probably in a mini skirt. Footh with the fur, with the fur. The whole colour. Very 2008, I'm going to say. Everybody dancing around their friend, looking at her. Hey. Anyhow, let's crack on with your correspondence corner.

Thank you. This one says, hello, Sophen, Mom. Hello. Longtime listener here and a single male adopter to my little Boy, I can't even explain how fast I abandoned the washing up to message you after hearing Joseph's question about single male adoption in the stinky snack episode. Do you remember this? Yes.

I was approved to adopt and matched with my son back in 2023. Since then, this journey has been nothing short of life changing. I genuinely couldn't recommend adoption enough. Not only has it enriched my life beyond words, but watching my son flourish and thrive in ways I once only dreamed of is something I'll be grateful for forever. It's worth it a million times over. I took the leap to adopt at 20. I hadn't met my person yet, but I had a safe home, a stable career as a lawyer, and a whole lot of love to give.

And that truly was enough. If Joseph would ever like to talk through the process, ask questions or just have a bit of moral support from someone who's been there. I'd be more than happy for him to reach out. I've also made close friends with a wonderful group of single adopters. And I know he'd be welcomed with open arms. No one should feel alone while considering something this big or this beautiful. Best wishes Charlie. That is absolutely beautiful.

Isn't that just so incredibly beautiful? Isn't it? My heart is so, so full. And do you know what? Thank you so much because this is something again that if people were listening to the episode and are going through it and whether it's been an amazing experience or whether it was tricky and now you found the process a lot harder, there's also people that would write in to share this story. Like I feel like this is such a beautiful story to share.

I feel so incredibly lucky that we get to share it out. I know. To everybody else. I know. And my group will welcome you with those. Can I come? I know, can we be part of it? Will they welcome us into your group?

I love that. So he was a 28-year-old single lawyer. Yeah. And he was just like, I'm going to adopt a movie. Yeah. Oh. That is beautiful, isn't it? I love that.

I really love that so much. Charlie, thank you so much. And I'm sure Joseph can find that helpful. Your group. Yeah, let us know. Let us know, because we will travel. We will come. But thank you.

Honestly, I can't get over that. I know. Do you know what as well? I was going to. say being a male as well doing this as a male yeah that is huge yeah i don't want to even skirt over that because obviously it's is i don't want to say it wrong but it's i feel like it's the done thing like it's the woman that's the maternal one and it's always expected that it's a a woman that goes through maybe adoption or ivf on their own is it can you do iv on your own or

do you know what i mean with a sperm donor yeah like with a sperm donor sorry so it's always seen like it's always the woman. People always assume it's like the woman that's paternal, but to have a guy, a single guy that's like, I really want a baby. Yes. I love that. And to just do that all in his own. Yeah.

Like that's even more huge, isn't it? Yeah, it's massive. Charlie. And he's loving it. He's loving it. So adorable. Thank you so much. Yeah, thanks Charlie.

And yeah, I'm sure Joseph would love to hear that. Good. So you can get in touch with us on anything at all. Yeah, it can be serious or silly and you can be totally anonymous. Because between us, we've probably heard it all before. And remember, where are we going? We're all in this together. We know that we are.

We're all stars and we see that. Right. Are you ready for my secret of the week? My secret actually happened today. Oh. Let me tell you nothing is more humbling than a seven-year-old daughter. I don't think Colby's ever said it to me. Actually, I'm pretty sure Colby's never ever said it to me.

So this morning, I thought, I've been doing some skincare, right, and my skin on my forehead, but just on my forehead. But my skin at the moment for me is doing great. It's doing bits. My forehead is very shiny. I've been doing some skincare stuff. So I wake up this morning. I thought, do you know what?

My skin looks great. I'm going to treat myself today and do some makeup. So an hour and 20 minutes, I was in my bathroom and I was perfecting my face and just done my eyebrows, setted it all was waffing away. Dotty come in. She opened the bathroom door and she went, oh my God. And I looked at her like, she's going to really love this. Yeah.

She's going to be like, you look beautiful. You look beautiful. And she went, what have you done to your face? And I went, what? And she was like, what have you done? I was like, oh, I thought I'd wear some makeup today. And she went, oh, no. And I went, do you not like it?

And she went, I really don't want to hurt your feelings, but no. I don't like it. And I went, oh, should I put my mascara on? Do you think that would help? And she went, nothing will help. No. So I said, okay, what? what do you think I should do?

I've got to leave for the train soon. Like, what should I do? And she was like, honestly, mum, bear it. To be fair, she went, you look beautiful without makeup. You don't need makeup, mum. So I was like, okay, what should I do then? She was like, I would just wash it off and have your normal face. And I was like, right, okay.

So I washed all my face, right? Did you? You took it off? Yeah, washed, wash. You're going to take, the spoken word of a child is honest. And if she's telling me that, girl knows her shit. Yeah. I'm not, I'm not.

If she says it's too much, it's too much. I'm not not listening. I am taking that in and I'm taking full, I'm owning that. Because she's not going to lie to me. No. She don't know how to lie. She's going to be really brutally honest. Yeah.

So I washed my face. She went away, come back, washed all my face. I'd creamed all my skin. Got myself dressed because I wasn't dressed. I'd spent so much time doing my face. And she came in and she went, oh, mom, that is so much better. She said, see, your face is so beautiful without it. And I went, oh, thanks, Dot, so much.

She went, you did look like a clown. Oh. What had you done? I don't know. And I didn't have the heart. And she was like, and then bless her, the whole like 25 minutes of me getting ready to leave the house. She was like, I haven't hurt your feelings, have I? And I was like, no, no, no, you're having at all.

And she was like, you're really quiet though, mum. And I was like, oh, I'm just rushing around. I was dying inside. Yeah, right, like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. More to the point, I'd spend an hour and a half of my morning. What a waste of fucking time?

What could have stayed in bed? Extra hour and a half of bed. And I was like, no honesty, darling. And I'm absolutely fine. and she just kept saying to me, oh, mum, you're really, really beautiful. I had to tell Chris in the kitchen, but I didn't want to say it too loud because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. And I was like, that is fucking... Well, I actually doesn't hear it on here.

That is fucking humbling. She'll probably hear it on here and go, you weren't sad, were you, mum? I'm not, dotting. You're listening to this. I really appreciate your honesty. Yeah. It was just the fact that she opened the bathroom door and went, what have you done to you?

But it's like, you know, we were saying like, she was so hard for sleep as well. And I was like, oh, maybe she's just... Maybe she's not, maybe you got some sleep in your eyes. And she was like, oh my... you look different. It's such a shock, isn't it? And you don't wear makeup that often. Well, I used to wear it all the time, but now I don't wear any. I'm kind of free face. And you do look great without makeup. That's very sweet of you. I look dead, but you can really... I think you've just got used to my face looking like a leather rubber boot. No, you can pull it off. Lather rubber boot?

You can pull it off. A leather boot. Lether old boot? An old leather boot. Anywho, I've got a saggy face. Okay, I'm embracing it. I'm embracing the brave, bare face. You can do no makeup. Some some people just can't and... I'm one of them. I'm one of them. I'm one of them. I'm I'm not hurt your feelings, have I? Single tear rolls down. It looks. It was just so happy she said, it looks awful. They just want you to look familiar, don't they?

They don't like it. When I wear makeup because it's so rare, they're always like, they are a bit like, what's long of your face. She came in and she was so relieved. She was like, oh, thank God for that. You looked awful. I was like, oh, thanks, Doc. Yeah, it looked a bit like a clown.

Oh, okay, do. But she did say, I really love your face. And she said, you don't even need to wear makeup, mum. I never know whether to take it as a compliment when people are like, oh, you look like so much better without makeup because I'm like, well, does that mean with it you think I look ugly? Ugly. Ugly.

Like men, I feel like men always go, oh, natural's so much better. Like, no makeup's so much better. And I'm like, do you? I ask Chris, what do you prefer? He's so on the fan. Does he say my makeup? He just says you look wonderful both ways. Either way.

Yeah. Yeah. Stefan's definitely like you look better with makeup on. Oh, does he? Yeah. Crums. He's like, you should make more effort every day. Wow.

Stefan is really in the firing. Are you two out of row? I think when a lot of men say, oh, I prefer no makeup. I prefer the natural look. I'm like, what you actually mean is you prefer natural makeup. Like, yeah, maybe not too. Yeah, but I don't wear any makeup. Oh, I've got a little bit of my B bulb tan on.

I think that's what men mean. When they say no makeup, I'm like, do you truly mean no makeup? Because more people generally do look worse without makeup on. Like, they mean natural makeup. To be fair, I was looking at myself in the mirror and I was like, oh, is this a bit of me? I don't think so. So I'm glad. She was just my inner voice, you know?

Inner voice come out. Like, what the fuck are you doing? And I also then dropped my whole makeup bag in the toilet. So I was like, well, might as well fucking been all that. Wow, what a morning? And she'd peed in the toilet. Oh. While slagging me off, she was taking a pee on the toilet.

Wow. And I was like, oh, I can, I'll wash it off. So as I went to grab the face wash off the side, I dropped my whole makeup bag in the toilet that she'd left her wee in. Wow. So now I have makeup all covered in Dottie's. We don't need it anyway. I feel like that was just maybe a sign for her.

Her plan to sabotage it. Oh no. It's all covered in my way now. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think you look lovely with or without. That's very, very sweet of you. That's not where I was going with this.

I just found it very funny that a seven-year-old will humble you. Yeah. Yeah. They'll tell you the truth. And always listen, I think. Because we would have been like, oh, you look so good. Can you imagine? All I thought is in the car on the way to the train station.

I thought, can you imagine if I had gone out in it and she'd already told me that. And I decided to not listen to what she said and then felt uncomfortable all day. because now I feel great. Yeah. I feel so wonderful. Yeah. Then Colby was like, Mum, I love your face today.

And I thought, oh, bless you. He liked it, no makeup as well. Yeah, but I think Dotty had told him what she'd said because I think she felt a little bit bad. So she was like, tell Mom she looks pretty. Oh, so he was backing her up. Oh, that's cute. I don't know if they did do that,

but he doesn't normally make an effort about my face. But I haven't worn any tan for a while, so maybe that's what it was. Yeah. He thought, fucking, now she's glowing today. Gloat. New teeth. New mom. New tan.

New teeth, tits, tan. New mum. New me. So that's my secret. And we're going to get into some of yours after this short break. We've got three secrets we're going to be discussing from you this week. What? We've got three secrets we're going to be discussing from you this week.

We've got three secrets from you this week that we're going to be discussing. From you. Take three from you. Emma, take it away. I'm feeling awkward. Okay. This is the first one. It says, hi, Sauf and Emma. Hello.

Firstly, I just want to say I'm a massive fan. Thank you. Thank you. You both perfectly show the beautiful reality of being a mum. Oh. As a young mum, 22, that is so refreshing, especially in the filtered world of online parenting, where it often feels like you're doing everything wrong. I'm a very proud mummy to two little boys.

My eldest is four called Oscar, and my youngest is 22 months named Arlo. Oh. My eldest is due to start primary school this September. And yes, I'm sobbing. Where does the time go? I'd love your advice on soaking up these last few months with my boy before he starts school. I'm so aware of how fast the time goes and how precious these moments are. I really don't want to take them for granted.

Keep being the two fabulous ladies you are, Kaylin. Oh, Kaelin, God bless your heart. There is no way of it. There is no way. I feel like even the amount of time that you spend with him, it will never feel like enough. Like before he starts school, you could do something every single day, and I still don't feel like it will be enough. Yeah.

Because there's just, and I'm somebody, I mean, I get sad if they have a day off and then I have a day, if they have a sick day and we have a day at home together, like watching movies or something like that, I feel fucking sad sending them the next day. They have to go back. Yeah, just fucking break to my heart. Just stay off all the time.

Yeah, just fuck it. Don't go, don't go to school. Fucking, vacam all. I think you don't need to do anything fancy. No. It's just like the day to day that you spend with them. And then you'll get to September and be like, I couldn't have done anymore.

Like I spent the maximum amount of time with them that I could. Yes. I feel like I'm in a similar boat because Joseph starts school in September. as well. He's, will be four, I've just turned four when this goes out. And then I also have Sadie, who's 22 months. So actually, pretty much exactly the same situation. And since we've moved to Wales, they've been, they're doing fewer days in nursery. They're both only in for two days. And sometimes I'm like, oh, the days, I think this is like classic, but I'm like, the days for really long. Like, it rains a lot. So we can't always go out. And I'm like,

oh, everyone's bit bored. We're stuck inside today. And I flip between that and like, oh, my God, I'm so lucky. I'm getting to spend so much time with them because I'm not working as much now. Yeah. I'm coming to London on a Wednesday and doing this. But apart from that, I'm a stay-at-home mum, so I'm with them all the time. And I'm with them on my own quite a lot because Stefan's working away now at weekends. So I feel this pressure as well of like the days that I'm like, oh my God, it's dragging. I feel really guilty because I'm like, come September, I'm not going to have the full day with Joseph. So I'm really trying to just like soak up the days and just, yeah, not do anything fancy but just be with them and be present and try and play with them because I know that I'll

look back and be like I'm so glad I had that extra time with them right before we started school and then obviously I'll have a bit longer with Sadie but yeah I think it's just being there and spending time with them isn't it? Yes. As much as you can. You could do fun things like role play. I love doing that with, I did it with Colby but I don't think I did it with Dotty. Like we put on the school uniform and we pretend that we're in a classroom and like to because

I was worried he was my first big one going to school. So and plus we were in COVID. So I was like, I don't know what he's going to expect. So we'd spent already so much time at home because we were in lockdown. And then I was like, oh, we could just reenact. So we like reenacted like a day at school. And like also I wanted to get a picture of him in his school uniform, but I didn't want to do it on the day that he was going to school.

Yeah, because that's a lot. And I was, I'm very, very emotional. God, I don't even, can't even imagine like sending Renly to school now. I think I'll have a breakdown. But I did like a day where we did all like our hair nice and then we put on our school uniform and we took pictures of him. And we also made, like, for him to put in his book bag at school, we did a collage of, like, pictures of, like, my sister, James, cousins, me, Chris,

Colby at the, dotty at the time. But obviously, then when it was Dotty, she had Colby and then Renner, as we do it. But you can make, like, a collage and they can put it in their book bag. Oh, that's cute. So if they need a familiar face at school. And I think I would personally spend the, me personally, that's how I did it, but I'd spend the time talking about school to familiar. school. Like we had a day where we walked to the school or a couple of days and did our journey

back and forth from school just to familiarise them with the walk and the process. And plus, it really helped me. It helped me get ready for, okay, this is going to be our mornings when we put our screen of form on and this is going to be our walk to school. So I think it helped me and him when he first went off. But just, I personally wouldn't do a lot. I just think it's, yeah, sit and enjoy sit and enjoy the time. Crafty time. Yeah. Soak it up.

And I don't ever feel like it will be enough. No. No. That's, I really, I think, yeah, you have to remind yourself to appreciate it. And it's okay. It's okay to be sad. It's going to go fast, yeah. Because I think sometimes as well there's a lot of people that are on,

it's one or two ways. Either people really love it when the children go to school and there's people that really hate it. And neither one of us are wrong. No. Both of us are exactly the same. It's just how we feel about the process. And I'm just someone that gets,

really, really sad about it. But there is people that love it. They love them, the free time at home in the quiet. And neither's wrong, you know? No. So I think just do you, feel every emotion. And if you cry, that's okay. But just soak up that little dude. I know. It's a big one. It is. Yeah. The first one is a big one. First school, first day, first everything. And then you'll go through the motions. You're in the system. This is what I say to you. You then go through the system. So now our next holiday is the Easter holiday. So then you get them off for a week or two weeks. And then you've got to go fucking through the process again. Yeah. And then you've got to say bye to them again. You're like, what the fuck is this sick game? But at least you know the holidays

are always coming up. Like they're quite regular. But you really, you get so accompanied to like, you get the nine to three and that they're at school or the eight to three, they're at school. And then you do all these jobs while they're at school. And you get into a routine. Yeah. And then you pick them up and then you've done all your cleaning jobs. So your whole time when they get home from school is all of them to absorb every single second of them because you've missed them so much. And then you get the school holidays where you go back to a little bit of a lazier morning, the housework takes a little bit of a dip, you're having a while time because the weather's beautiful, you're off to the farm, off to the zoo, everyone's in the house, you're in the garden

every day because the weather's delicious. And then bam, back to that routine. And it's a lot. Yeah. It's a lot. And you're like, fuck, please. It's not chopping and changing, isn't it? I know. Yeah. But I don't feel like it will ever get any easier, but just know that you aren't alone. No. And we're thinking of you. Yeah. And you're going to smash it.

More to the point he's going to have the best time. Yeah. I'm sure you will. Yeah. But thank you for messaging in. Yeah. Thanks, Kaelin. And good luck to Oscar.

Yeah, good luck. Okay, let's have secret number two. Okay, this says, hi ladies. I've listened to the pod from the very beginning when I was two years into my fertility journey. It was a tough one. I listened to your pregnancy journeys hoping one day that would be me. And now I'm a mum to a beautiful one-year-old Oliver Robert,

a.k.a. Olly Bobbins. Oh! My question is about sleep. Eleven to 12 months has hit us hard. I've had my own health struggle since having Olly, and I'm desperate for a full night's sleep. Olly usually goes to bed between 6 and 7.30, depending on naps.

I try to keep a consistent routine and a four-hour wake window before bedtime, but his sleep has become seriously erratic. He'll sleep for a few hours, then wake anywhere between two and five times a night. He's also no longer settling himself. He wants to be rocked or cuddled or sleep. on me, which I love, but it's not ideal every night. I'm now noticing pain in my back and

shoulders. If I don't give in and bring him into my bed, he'll be wide awake and I can't get him back to sleep. I've even found myself driving around at midnight just to get him to sleep, only for him to wake again when I put him down. Help! Please, any advice for a very sleepy, struggling mama, Annie Mae. This one is a tough one, isn't it? Yeah, it's really hard. I just think every baby's different. It's not like a one-size-fits-all. Yeah, there's not a manual to, as to what to do. I think what's hard is, again, being that I'm on this side of, you know, three babies in, my eldest is nearly 10, Rendley's coming up, nearly two, he'll be two in March. I feel like it's really hard because it's easy for me to say because I'm this side of it. But I personally believe

that one, it's not for forever. They will sleep one day. And I know that's the most condescending shittest excuse you can give anybody. But I feel like a well-slept mum, you know, is high up on the priority list. And I think if he's in your bed, are you sleeping if he is in the bed with you? Yeah. Because I think if it means you both get sleep, then just roll with it. I think if you're getting better sleep and you don't mind it. Yes.

I think just do it. Some people don't like co-sleeping. They're trying to get out of it. Of course, of course. But I think if everyone's sleeping the most and you're happy with it, I would just continue to do that. I would continue to roll with it. Also, how many naps in the day? Have you tried reducing the naps in the daytime?

We had to go through a bit of a phase of to get Renley into a new routine. We had to spend some time indoors for him to only have one nap in the daytime. So to get us into a good routine of napping, he has been a bit poorly at the moment. So it's been a little bit all over the place. But we do the school run and then we come home. And we have been staying in so that he has a nap in the afternoon. where it's normally about 10.30 till 12 and then he has his lunch or it can be sometimes till 1 o'clock but that's his whole nap window now. He only has one nap. He sleeps between 10 and 12 or 10,

1030 till 1ish. But that's his only nap. But we did stay in. We didn't go anywhere, drive in the car, put him in the pram or anything that would enable him to nod off. We were doing the school runs and then come home and that was it. We play in the garden, play indoors, have a little potter around the house, do some crafts. But then that was it, 10.30. We'd be doing the school. We'd go down for a nap and now that's all he knows. So if we're going out and about, or we go anywhere, he tends to just nod off at about 10, 10, 30, sometimes maybe 11, and then that will be him sleeping. Or we travel when it's his time to nap so that we don't break his routine. So again, it's just finding out that process that works for you, sometimes dropping a nap helps. Yeah, like

extend the wake window before bed so he's more tired. Yeah. So what is that? If Ren wakes up at one, normally is nap's done about between 12 and 1. It goes to bed at 7. Rennie goes to bed at half, 5, 6. Does he? Yeah. Until what time in the morning? 6.7.

Because my next thing was going to be 6.7. My next thing was going to be 6 sounds like an early bedtime to me. If I put Sadie to bed at 6, she'd wake up at 4 in the morning. So Reni wakes up between 6 and 7 in the morning. He has a nap between 10, 30 and 1, depending. Some days you only go to 12. Some days you'll go down at 11 but sleep to 1. And then once he's awake from 1 o'clock, he is then awake until bedtime.

And he goes to bed anywhere between 5 and 7. Some days if he's had a busy day, like if we've been for a walk or had a lot of fresh air, he'll go down about 5, 5.30. Some days if we've had a quieter day at home, he'll maybe stretch, stretch to a massive push of 7 o'clock. But then I'm then in territory of like 8, 9 o'clock the next day. I can't believe you can get him down to bed at half five and he'll sleep for like 12 over 12. And say bub-byes now, bubys.

You're so lucky you've got a high sleep-kneed child. I think my child only needs like 10 hours sleep. So six would be like way too early for her to go to bed. So I don't know, that might be. It's playing with a lot of things. Yeah, you just got to play around with it a bit. And I think if they're, maybe if he's wanting a hug, sometimes Colby was a bit of a hugger at bedtime.

Dottie was obviously my best. Well, they were all, I've been quite lucky. I will say I've been quite lucky with the three of them. But Colby was loved to cuddle at bedtime. And sometimes you, I would find that Colby was then overtired. Yeah. Or even Renner sometimes will have a hug. Once he started hugging and he's snuggling into me, he's now going past over tired.

Yeah. We kind of put him down when he's just on the brink of him. The edge. Yeah. It's hard though, isn't it? It is hard. And they go through phases where they're more clingy and they sometimes say we'll want to be totally asleep before she goes in her cot.

Sometimes I can put her down awake and she just goes, no, no, no. It just like, just totally depends. And it changes like weakly. Also, I don't fight it. If I put Renly down and he doesn't nod off and he starts standing up, I then just get him out for another 10 minutes. I don't let him cry. I'm not a, I'm not a to stand out of the door and let them cry.

But if he stands up, I know then he's not ready. So I'll just bring him downstairs for another 10, 20 minutes and then try again. Yeah. And then nine toads out of 10, he does go down after that. But yeah. It's hard. It is hard. It's really hard.

But if anybody can share some advice. Yeah. Annie Mae. Yeah, Annie Mae. We would love to share it on. Yeah. Because a tired mummy is... It's tough.

It is really, really tough, isn't it? Yeah. But I'm sorry I can't give you any great advice or an answer, really, because it is... Every child is so different, aren't they? I just think you've got a role with what they... Work with it as well. Do whatever suits you and your family.

Yeah. Don't worry that somebody says, oh my God, they're still sleeping your bed. Yeah, I'm fucking what? Cobby slept in my bed a couple of days ago because he was scared. Didn't want to sleep in his bed. So he just slept in my bed. I always see sometimes jump in the bed with them. Yeah.

I'll get in their bed, having a snooze with them. The other night, fucking went into the bedroom. I'd gone in with Colby because Colby was struggling to sleep. So I went in with him, ended up nodding off, fully dressed in my clothes. Went into my bedroom at 6.30 when I woke up. Chris went, oh, he finally went to sleep then, did he? You're going to jump in? Mate, it's half six in the fucking morning.

I haven't been in the bed the whole fucking night. I didn't even know. Dick. No, he didn't even know. He was like, oh, God. Have you got a shower and dress? No, I slept in my clothes from yesterday. I now need to get changed. You went in there the whole night?

Yeah, I was in Colby's room the whole night and nodded off the whole night. Yeah. And Chris, it was unbeknown, so I was even in the bed all night. I'm like that. So I think sometimes sleep is priority. Yeah. And you've just got to get that sleep. Get it.

Get it. But thank you so much. Yeah. Thanks, Annie Mae. Let's have our last secret, shall we? All right. This is hello, Sophie and Emma. I thought I'd be taking this secret to my great.

grave, but listening to the back catalogue of the pod has given me the courage to share. Oh my God, I'm so excited. This is going to be juicy, isn't it? I have a 17-month-old twin boys who are absolutely feral. Our entire house is baby-proofed in ways I never imagined. Every drawer and cupboard is secured. House plants are gone. Nothing can sit near the edge of counters and we no longer use our fireplace. Like a prison. I needed at least one space that was mine, so we decided that until they're older, the boys aren't allowed in our bedroom or bathroom. It's honestly bliss. I can leave things out, open a draw without obstacles and breathe.

That said, my husband has a terrible habit of leaving doors open, so it's not a perfect system. Oh no. A few months ago, we'd had a little itchy leg at bedtime. Whoa! I use a vibrator, a rabbit if you're curious, so far. Fuck, move. We're just straight in there.

Straight in there. Just for you. And left it on the floor by the bed to deal with in the morning. The next day, a few minutes into getting ready, I heard my husband scream my name in the most high-pitched, panicked voice I've ever heard. I ran out of the bathroom to see him frozen in the bedroom doorway, staring at the floor near my side of the bed. Before I could even before I could even see what was wrong, he whispered. He licked the dild. He licked it. My heart fell into my ass. I knew immediately. Sure enough, when I rounded the bed,

there was my wildest twin, happily sitting on the floor holding my used vibrator. I'm just grateful I didn't actually. witnessed the licking so I can pretend it never happened. My husband is not so lucky. I'll never tell my son about this. Can you imagine the trauma? The only positive is that my husband has been much better at shutting doors ever since. I mean, he had to learn the odd. I love that that came back around. He had to learn the hard way. Thank you for everything you do, anonymous from Arkansas, USA. Oh my God. You had to stay an ominous. A monomonymous. You had to stay anonymous with that. Disgust that.

He licked the vibrator. Can you imagine? I think I'd burn my... I'd have to scratch my eyes out of my head. No, no, no, no, no. This is why you don't have vibrators, guys. Or sex. All sex.

Or, do you know what? Don't even sleep in the same room. No. Nothing. Just... Nothing. They get into everything. Fucking how.

Wow. Nothing is safe. Nothing is safe. I'm actually lost for words. I don't know how I feel. I don't know how I feel about this. Why do they always find them? They're just so gross as well.

They're like, oh, it's like they've got a thing for like gross things. I thought you meant the vibrators. No, babies. And then I was like, are we talking about the children are gross? They just like do such gross shit, don't they? Well, he doesn't know so vibrators, been in his mummy's food. No, but like it must be, oh. It's used.

We doesn't know. 17 months old, he hasn't got a fucking clue. I mean. To him, it looks like a, I don't know. Babies of all, most babies have been out of vaginas. Some babies have been out of vaginas. Yeah. But it's different, isn't it?

Yeah. This is very different. Oh, God. Well, put your vibrator away. That's a lesson, isn't it? We've all learned a lesson here. Your husband needs to shut the doors and you need to put your vibrator away.

Yeah, but good for them. Wash it before you put it away, though. Wash it after every use. So it's like an advert for washing up liquid, doesn't it? Oh, God. Oh, that was brilliant. Glad it was not me, though. Let that be a lesson to everyone

I'd have to burn my eyes Thank you for sharing your secrets this week Everyone is welcome in the Secret Mum Club If you'd like to share your secrets with us you can The email is hello at secret mumpod.com Or with Secret MumPod on TikTok and Instagram Have you been humbled by your seven-year-old daughter Or have you had an itchy leg disaster

Then let us know There really is nothing too outrageous Keep an eye out for our Thursday episode And we'll see you next next next time on the secret mom club.