Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Midnight Quavers

Episode Date: January 27, 2026

Renley's midnight escape ends in a shocking kitchen discovery, Emma questions whether Joseff needs a hearing test or is simply tuning her out, and one mum’s most private possession is accidentally exposed by her grown-up son. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, this is a secret mum club. I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. And welcome to your podcast that you should only be listening to this one. No others. Scrap them out. Don't do anything else other than listening to us. I feel like we should change it because you always get the earth to say welcome.

Welcome. In the intro, don't you? Yeah, I swear we used to say welcome. Welcome to this podcast, which is a safe space for mums everywhere. Why don't you say that? Welcome to this safe place of everything here. A safe space to share our secrets. Because we all have secrets, don't we?

We do. And as we know, sharing. is caring. You don't even have to tell us who you are. Keep that to yourself. You can be anonymous. And all those secrets can be serious or silly. All secrets are welcome in the Secret Mum Club. That was wild, wasn't it? Also, you're watching this on YouTube.

If you haven't, you can watch us on YouTube. We haven't said that for a while. We haven't. We haven't. To keep hammering that home, don't we? Rosie hasn't bought it up. No, she's like, stop fucking talking about it. You maxed out on one episode.

We don't need it anyway. Yeah. Just keep rotating that one episode. She's scared to give us tips because we take everything too literally. Stop saying it now. Stop saying it now. How the fuck are you, honey? I'm all right, yeah.

What's new with you? I was just saying to you, wasn't I? I think I've got to take Joseph to the doctor because I think he might be going deaf, but you said it's just selective hearing. I feel like it's... And again, people are more than welcome to disagree with me, but I had the same worry with Colby at three, four... Oh, really?

At three, four years old. But it definitely was the fact that he just couldn't be bothered to fucking... Just doesn't want to listen to me. No. I've never had it with Dot, but he's had hearing tests and Cobby's absolutely fine. And literally took him to the doctors because I was so stressed about him. They were like, oh, everything's coming back to here. I might just get someone to have a little look in his ear.

Oh, one million percent you need to have a look because I could just be saying that and then actually it's different for you. I know because you were saying they get a hearing test in reception anyway when they start school. Obviously that's not until September for him. So I think I am going to just take him because I think he actually just might have a bit of wax in there and be a bit blocked up. So hard because what is the right thing to do with baby? these ears, do you clean them? Are you an ear cleaner? You're not supposed to. I never have. I mean, if there's a bit of like, you know, sometimes you look in, you get like a big lump of wax. Yeah. You look in their ear and you can literally see it's like right on the surface. I will

whip that out. Yeah. But I'm not shoving a cotton bud or anything in there because you're not supposed to, are you? I need the sometimes renters. I don't know whether it's a thing that's common for preemie babies. But Everly, saying that though, Evely wasn't a preemie, but she had lots of, so Everly when she was born had Group B strep. Oh, did she? And it was, obviously, She's life-threatening. It's one of the most serious things. Yeah. And it was a horrific journey for the first three weeks of Evely's life.

She had lumber punches and everything. And they were in hospital. But I don't know whether she was a poorly baby. She gets really bad ears. And I don't know whether Reni was a preemie, that he gets bad ears. You can get like glue ear, can you. My friend's little boy had that. But I'm not an ear cleaner.

I just, when it's there, there's sometimes it's a big lump and I just like to just. It's satisfying, isn't it? Oh, so good. If they'll let you. I've said to Joseph, I think we're going to go. and get your ears checked and he's like, no, I don't want to, I don't want to. So I don't think he'll like willingly let someone look in his ear. But I think I'm just going to take him to the pharmacy. They do shove that thing in there, though, don't you? They will have a, they will have a look

in there. But I just think there's no harm taking him to the pharmacy and just getting it, getting it looked in there. I don't think it's something we need a GP appointment for. But he keeps saying to me, pardon, what did you say? He always says, what did you say? What did you say? And I'm like, it's really hard to know with his age, whether they're just saying something or whether he is actually struggling to hear us. He's been saying it more and more and more. And we've been like testing him at low frequencies and being like, like I'll call him from across the room and be like, Joseph, Joseph.

Or like when I tell him a story at night and it's more softly spoken, he'd be like, I can't hear you. I can't hear you. What did you say? So I'm like, he's saying it quite a lot. It's not just when I'm telling him to do something that he doesn't want to listen to. Why would be that I did that? I'd be like, Colby.

Yeah. Colby. And it has to get to a certain register before he can. Yeah. And I'm like, correct. Yeah. But then he does that now. He doesn't listen.

I shout all the time. Colby! I still doesn't listen. Do you know what? I'm now to the point where I sing it. Kobe! Kobe! And I hold it for as long as I can.

And then he comes out the room and he's like, what? Yeah. I've been calling you for 10 minutes. Have you? Yeah. Sorry, didn't hear you. What's he doing?

Playing in his room. Playing PlayStation out on the garden or something. I mean, he might just be ignoring. But I now just walk around and I'll carry on doing stuff and go just gobbie! Just hold the note until they twig. And until they respond. Sorry, did you call me or did you call Colby? Dottie and go, yeah.

Oh, definitely worth checking it though. Yeah, I think so. And it's just annoying like at bedtime and I'm trying to do like a quiet, relaxing story. He'll be like, can he talk louder? And I'm like, it kind of defeats the object because I'm trying to get you to sleep. Yeah. But he will literally put his head on my face to be to like hear me better. And I'm like, yeah, they're not going to fall asleep like this.

And he does it to his yoto as well. He will hug his Yoto because I've restricted the maximum volume at night so it doesn't wake everyone else up and he will literally sleep on it like it's a pillow and I'm like you're going to hurt your neck doing that but that's what makes me think that he actually maybe is struggling to hear I don't know whether he just needs the wax cleared or whatever

but yeah I think it's worth going to get him checked out Oh one million percent And then at the same time I'm going to take Sadie to either the doctor or the pharmacist for her dribble because she has an insane amount of saliva coming out of her mouth And it's not just related to teeth and it's like constant, like 24-7. She has to have a dribble bib on all the time, which kind of ruins her cute outfits. And she has to have like, she'll have like one on for a couple of hours.

It'll be soaked through, then I have to put another one on. Like she just doesn't seem to hold saliva in her mouth. Dummy, no dummy. She has a dummy, but she's not just, she hasn't got a dummy on in like in the middle of the day. No. The only time she doesn't have dribble on her is when she's laying down in bed at night because she's horizontal. Yeah, of course. up and about during the day, she literally the amount of dribble that comes out of her mouth

is insane. I'm constantly having to wipe her chin. And I thought it was teething related, but it can't be now because she can't be teething this much all the time. Yeah. So she got all teethen now. Yeah. All her, like her canines have just come through. But it can't be, the dribble is too. She's got a molars at the back too. I think so. The dribble's too constant for it to be teething related though. So I want to get that checked out as well because she's just constantly like soak it and it just doesn't look very nice and it must be uncomfortable for her as well. Yeah. She's just, yeah, I don't know why.

She just can't hold. I don't know. What other reasons would it, would that be? I don't know. One of my mum's friends said like something sinus rated maybe. Yeah. Because if she's a real like mouth breather, she's always got her mouth open. I guess that would make sense.

I was trying to think if Reni's dribbly, but no, he's not. I mean, no other babies I know of that age are like that dribbly. Rennie was, uh, Cobby was quite a dribbly baby, but he had such big lips and He was a mouth breather and he did wear a dribble bib. Constantly. Yeah. Yeah. But I, I don't know what I did.

I imagine he just grew. Well, you grew out of it. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like it's just like, do you know, imagine as an adult, like if you never swallowed your saliva and you just literally always just like let it come out of your mouth. That's what it would be like. Yeah.

It's like she's almost never learned to like. Swallow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's a weird one. Yeah. But yeah, a few medical things for us this week.

Nice. How's your week? Oh, it's an exciting week this week. I'm extending your kitchen. Oh, yeah. What are you having done? It's been a long time coming. So the kitchen at the moment is along the back wall and down the window.

Like an L shape. We've got an L shape. So we're now going to make it a U shape. Oh. But I'm going to go. You're actually knocking walls down? No, no, no. We're putting like what would be a breakfast bar, but it's not.

We won't have stalls up to it. But it's just extending the counterout. But I'm going the same as the utility room. So I'm keeping the original cream, but I'm adding in pink. So in the utility room, we've got the cream and then the pink cupboards. In the kitchen now, I'm having pink, this bit's coming out that's pink, a lighter coloured worktop and then two pink up cupboards to go in with the rest of the kitchen. But it's being done today as we speak. Are we finished when you get home?

I don't know if it'll be finished. I don't know whether that's a lot to ask. That would be finished. Yeah, that would be quick. So yeah, it's being done as we speak. And also with that happening, we have sent Renner's offer his first ever play. date. Him and auntie today are having one on one.

I can't believe they've never hung out one on one before. No. Is it because the other kids are always there? Yeah. So there'll be the others there. But normally either I'm there or it's me and Chris or Chris is at home with him. So one, he has never had neither of us there with him. He's only been there either with Colby and Dotty at least or either me or Chris

have been there. So today it's just him and auntie today. She just sent me a video that he's in the play place. they're having the time of their life. But what I'm more absolutely bamboozled at is that she doesn't have a car seat. So she's walked from her house to a play place to take him.

Is that far? Yeah, I would say it's a bit of a walk. So good on her, because he fucking hates the pram. Unless they've walked there and it's taken him three hours to get there. Yeah. And they've walked.

Or the bus. Yeah. Or a train? Don't know. Don't know. No, train wouldn't go there. Or she's just thrown him in the car. No, she would not go on.

No, she's more terrified of her and him than she is her own children. She's way more protective runners than she has her own children. I think that's the way when you're with other people's kids, though. Because like, God forbid if anything happened to them on your watch. Yes. I mean, obviously with your own children as well, but it's worse when you've got to hand them back to someone else and be like, oh, they fell over today. Sorry. Sorry.

So, yeah, he's currently just had a video. He's running around the playplace. And funny, I've never taken him to one. So I wonder how we've never been to a soft play? No. What? Jamfest they are. Can't handle them. They stress me out. It's too much. Also, I get really, I get really overwhelmed by other people's children. Not in a bad way, but when there's lots of children, I feel like it's, I'm being attacked by mini monsters because they all then cave in on you, don't they? And they all just, they interlock and then I lose sight of them and I'm like, fuck! That's why you've got going on a quiet.

I feel like I'm in hell. Do you know why you've probably never been? You've got to go on like a quiet, random weekday afternoon and your children are always at school. So like if you're taking them all, you're not going to go during a weekday. It's when they're big and then they don't need you to go in there anymore and you just stand at the bottom and there's no way of getting them out. They're also so red and so sweaty. They're slipping everywhere. They're moving so fast.

They're either on the ceiling, falling down a sponge tower in a slide. And I'm trying to watch them. just basically stand at the door in case anyone tries to exit. Either of them fly out. And then at least I know they're in here somewhere where they are, no one fucking knows. Yeah, but they're here. Yeah. Yeah.

And that's the same with Renner's. The little ones move in so far. So I lose sight of him. And then I'm like, where the fuck has he gone? Yeah. And I can't get out. I feel like I'm stuck in one of these bubble windows, which nine times out of ten I am. And I'm like, someone get me out of here.

Or I feel like it's baby's day out. I'll be in the soft play. He'll be leaving the exit. Like, later. Yes. Motherfuggers. And I can't get out. It terrifies me.

I can't believe he's never been. Also when I was there with Colby once, a child just pooed in the bull pit. Full on poo. We had to exit stage left. Not inside a nappy? No, it wasn't. It was a full poo.

And they were like, can everyone please get out of the ball pit? There is a poo in there. You could say that about anyway, though. Swimming pools. Do you go to public swimming pools? We did. We had that one time, didn't we?

We were taking them to swimming lessons. And they said, you can't have your lesson to say, someone's taking a floaty in the pool. Yeah. And not the floaty to help you swim. An actual turd. The other type of floater. Yeah.

I feel like poo follows you around. We're a poo. We're a poo love for family. Honestly. Maybe our own poos, not someone else's poohs. We're a poo family. Yeah. Oh, but he looks like he's having a lovely time.

He saw a little video. Oh, he's having the time of his life. I can't even have been. I spend half my life at Soft Play. And I love it, actually. Parents do complain about it, but I love it for them. I love it for how happy them late. I love it for their man to be.

But my heart is going pitter. I'm sweating. And not even just in the palm of my hands. my knee crevices, arm crevices, I'm sweating in places you never sweat. I know. You stresses me out. I'm always the mug that's like balls deep in the soft plate as well. The other parents sit back and have a coffee, not me.

Yeah, I don't know. Then I also, you have to deal with the consequences, don't you? Of like when a child is like, what do you do when a child shoves your child? I've been in this scenario too many a time. And then are you meant to say, oh, can you not push my child? Yeah, I do say that. And then they keep pushing you like, please, please, can you not? that, you know, kind hands, everyone's entitled to have time on the slide.

Can we just wait our turn? Yeah. And then you want to get out and go, fucking watch your cards! Are you watching them? You know, I'm not getting mad. I do tell them. I say, back the fuck up. Because if your parents are going to sit there and not parent you in the soft play,

they're just going to sit there and have a drink and I'm the one that's in there. You know what? And because that sounds like I can be a negative. If you want to sit back and it's your only time to have a coffee, you do you, boo-boo. No, that's fine. But do expect me to discipline your child that you're not watching. I'm not expecting them to expect me to discipline them. but I feel bad that I want to say, oh, can we just give them time?

But I don't. I stand there and I pick him off the slide and I let one go. And I'm not, oh, no, you go, honey. Get back off the slide. Oh, no, honestly, no, you go. No, you go. And when I'm in Tesco's and someone hits me the trolley and I go, oh, sorry. Sorry, you hit me with your trolley.

You know, and I want to. And I think if it's your any opportunity for you to have a hot drink, you go, boo-boo. You go and you put your baby in that soft play. But then I feel bad. I feel bad that I don't want to be like. Oh, can we not shove? Or one of them just gives them a fucking left up to the jaw. And then I'm like, yeah, no.

I don't know how to defend you in this moment. Your child's being a terror, they will be told. Not by me, Emma. Yeah. Maybe we should go together. You can be telling them off. I got your back. I'll just stand there in the background.

So no, he's having the time of his life. Oh, good. I'm having a kitchen fitted. The children at school, we're buzzing off of our tits. We're having a great start to the week. We've gone back. Friendships have regained. I was going to say school.

School is fine. School is fine. They were having a bit of a dodgy week. We did have a dodgy week. So if you did hear last week's episode, we didn't have a great end to the first week back to school. But they are gone back in. Dotty is back.

Friendship in his friendship in. They're back. She did say, bless our heart. We're not as strong as we were. But we'll get there, mum. We'll get there. And I thought, oh, God bless our. So she's back.

And then Colby has been going to the toilet. The school have been wonderful. And we have, I think what was hard last week is we went back for the first week of they've been eating on tap going to toilet on tap doing everything and to go back into school not only is he excited to see his friends his whole body clocks all out of sync so we don't know when he's going to poo and most men that i found in my life have regimental poo times Chris has a lot of people do yeah I don't I don't personally and I well me and Roxanne talk about this we don't have but even my nephew everyone has a like a regimental poo time when they poo yeah they're going to poo afternoon

poo home poo you know I feel like that's kind of a again correct me if I'm wrong, like a man thing. So Colby has his poo times. And I think where we, he'd been off for a couple of weeks over the Christmas period. Yeah. It's been all out of whack. Yeah. So, but no, he's had a way more positive, way more positive week back this week, which is great.

Yeah. So yeah. That's pretty much me, isn't it? There's not much else going on this week, is there? That's that episode done. We'll see you next week on the secret mum. I'm excited for the kitchen though. I've talked about it a lot.

I'm buzzing to see it. I'm really excited. Are you going to put it on? Yeah. My only worry is that I've, this is all me. Chris has had no input in this whatsoever. Would he normally? Yeah, yeah.

No, we're a good, we're a 50-50. We, if there's something we both, if we both think differently of it, we put our, we put our reasonings together as to why I think it's great, why he doesn't think it's great. And then we come to a mutual decision. I made this decision solely independently. And I only told him when I ordered the kitchen that I was doing it. You're going to have a pink kitchen, Chris.

all right. Would he happy with that? With a mix. What? Okay. Mix match worktop. Yeah. We're having two different tone work tops.

Is he cool with it? One's a marble effect. One's a wood effect. He has no choice. Well, it's coming now. He sent me one picture and he said, I think this is going to look quite nice. So that is a positive and I'm going to take it. Yeah, run with that.

Yeah, I am. So there we go. Stay updated for kitchen updates. And if Renner's survives the day. To be fair, he's probably safer with my sister than he is. Yeah. Than he is me, to be honest. She's got four kids.

Exactly. It's a piece of piss. And with all the pubs and periods, I feel like she needs a little bit of have a baby back. Yeah. Bring yourself back. Just goes to softly. There's too much. Some of the things she tells me, my sister, that they all go through being 10 to 16.

Yeah. I said to her, listen, have the baby. Go back to the babyness because pubs and periods are too much. Yeah. Wow. Have a two-year-old. Just relax. Yeah.

So easy. Watch pepper pig. Chick your nose, eat it, scratch your ass, wet yourself if you want, you know, who's judging. So Emma and I really want to hear from you. Yeah, we want you to join us in the Secret Mum Club. You're all welcome. You can share your secrets with us, respond to what we've been talking about or just say, hello. You can find us on TikTok and Instagram.

Just search Secret MumPod, or you can email us hello at secret mumpod.com. Okay, it's time for the Correspondence Corner. Do you know, I wonder if there's going to be a time where we just go, hello, welcome to the Correspondence Corner. Let's just do that one week. Shall we? People think we're pissed off. Do you think we've had a row? Yeah.

Should we do it? Okay, take two. It's time for the Correspondence Corner. Let us know what you thought of that intro. Hope you think it was shit so we can just scream at you all the time. Anywho, Emma, take it away. This one says, hello, Siph and Emma. Hello.

I've been listening since the very beginning, but this is my first time writing in. I'm also an early years practitioner in London, working in a nursery with around 60 children. Holy smokes this is what we need. I'm not a mum yet, but my new one. wife and I are hoping to start looking into the right route for us both very soon. Yes. I wanted to share our small wedding experience. Oh my God, I'm really excited.

Okay, my wife and I decided to get married in Vegas with just my brother-in-law and sister-in-law there. Everyone else watched on a live stream back home and then we had a party two months later, more like a wedding reception, so people could celebrate without all the pressure on us. It worked so much better for us. I love listening to the podcast while I'm walking to and from work. Keep it up, Danny in London. Danny, what?

They live streamed the wedding. From Vegas. What? How fabulous. Fabulous. Part of me would love to do like a chapel wedding in Vegas. I really want to do. Do you know what?

We've had an outside wedding with art gallery outside wedding. That was Roxanne's. Richie's was in like a really beautiful, I want to say like a water, where there's a water mill. Oh, okay. Like a converted meal barn. Yeah. Really, really rustic. I want Elvis.

Yes. Hit me up with a drive-thru. I can see you doing that. Yeah. How are you going to get there though? Don't know. Maybe hopefully they'll open one in Savantan. Yeah.

Little Chapel, White Chappel and Alvus. Maybe Chris could be Elvis. So exciting to just like get a bit drunk. Yeah. Stumble into a chapel in Vegas and be like, let's get married. Yeah, fuck it. I would never do something that reckless. Pop up your phone, little large string.

Guys, tune in. We're getting married. Yeah. If you blink, you'll miss it. Also, it'd be like the morning. If you were doing it in the evening, it'd be the morning for everyone else. So they'd just be like waking up having their breakfast. Yeah.

You could hold a conference call. Yeah. So everyone can just tune in. Little Zoom? Yeah. Oh. That sounds great. Honestly, I love that so much.

Yeah. And gosh, a practitioner of 60, I can't even say it without stumbling. Too much. That's a lot. So 60 children. I can't even cope in a soft play, let alone. I know. In the care of 60 children.

I know. That's what, what are we talking? 10 hours a day? Yeah. I feel like people, like early years and nursery workers just honestly, they're heroes. I take my hat off. to them. Do you know what?

Everybody. I know. It just baffles me. It blows my mind how people are just so phenomenal. But raising other people's children, like I just think, go you. Go you. In any way, shape or form. Yeah.

Whether you're nanny in, nursery, preschool, teacher, babysitting. Anything. It's a huge responsibility as well. It is. Like when you really think about it, you're in, you have, all them children are your responsibility. To one, make everybody happy. Two, not to say anything that the child could go home and say, do you know,

what miss so-and-so said this to me today. Do you know what I always think as well? Like if they're having a bit of a crap day, they can't really turn up to work and like they've got a... Like you and me, we can talk about it. Yeah. And we can go, oh, everyone's had a really bad day today. She can't go into...

They've got to turn up and be like, hi kids. And be happy and fun. Oh gosh, I take my hat off to you. Danny, I absolutely love this. Thank you so much. Yeah, thanks, Danny. And I'm really excited for your baby journey. Yeah.

Will you keep us posted on that? Yeah, please do. And how it all goes for you because we love. We do love a pregnancy journey. Yeah. We love it, don't we? It's too much. So you can get in touch with us on anything at all.

Yeah, it can be serious or silly, and you can be totally anonymous. Because remember, between us, we've probably heard it all before. And please do remember. We're all in there. Oh, we're going high again. Oh, sorry. And we know that we are. I can't get up there.

I can't get up there. It's too high. I'm an alto. We're all in these together. Can we just do it like... That we are. We're all stars. And we see that.

It doesn't have to be low energy. Right, right for it now, I'm up. It doesn't have to be low energy. Just low pitch. Right, okay, let's go again. Okay, ready? We're all in this. We're all in these together.

And we know that we are. We're all stars and we see that. Dap on the railings, poppins. Hope that was better for you. Yeah, thank. Let us know which rendition you prefer. Yeah. High, low.

energy, low energy. Acoustic. Acoustic. Intit. Dick Humblebert. What was his name? Dick Van Dyke. Sorry.

Who's Dick Humblebert? Dick Hunglebert? Hunglebert? Dick. Do you think of Engelbert Humperdink? Oh, Engleher, umpuggedink. What? Engelbert Hunkerink.

Humperdink? Humberdink? Englebert Humperdie. Dick Van Dyke. Fuck me. Any who'see, badusies. Never get me to pronounce the name because I am shite. To be fair.

He's a hundred. It's a crazy name. Dick Van Dyck's 100. Oh, I think meant Engelbert, Humperdink. I don't know who Dick Van der Kemp. I don't know who, Engdick. Wait, I think Engelbert might have passed away. I don't know who he is.

Hey, Siri, is Engelbert Humperding still alive? He's going to say who? Oh, gosh, yes. 89. Sorry, Englebert. If you're listening. I thought he'd sadly passed. Yeah, Dick Van Dyke.

He's 89. 100 years old. He's younger than Dick Van Dyke. By quite a way. What a wonderful name. Engelbert Humperdink. And Dick, you don't get them anymore, do you? Is he just not Richard Van Dyke?

And they call him Dick for sure. I don't know if it's his real name. I don't think it might be a stage name. Oh. I think it might be a stage name. What, like Priscilla White? Yeah. Like Elton John.

His name is Richard Van Dyke. Thank you. Thank you. Stop. I also, my mum and dad's friends were called Dick and Fanny. Really? He was Richard and she was Francesca. And they called each other.

They said... As a joke. Well, no, they were Dick and Fanny. Everyone knew them as Dick and Fanny. That didn't used to be a thing in the old days, though, Fanny was a genuine name. When I was at Union Cardiff, there was a street that everyone wanted to live on called Fanny Street. And it's just named after a girl called Fanny.

To be fair, I'd live there now, Fanny Street. Yeah. I think that would be a hoot. I wish my surname was Humboldingink too. Pallit Palace. Humphalding. Humpur-Dink. Humpur-Dink.

You could change it. Hi, my name is Saphina Humphalding and I live on Fanny Street. And my partner is Dick. What a lovely, what a lovely life, wouldn't it? Humpber Dick. Humpur-Dick? Humpur-Dink. I can't say it.

I'm sorry. Right. Anywho, you didn't pick as to which secret you'd like this week. Oh. We had one, two, three last week and you picked, oh, that's Renner's. I picked two. You picked two. Should we go for one?

Oh, okay. We'll go for number one. Okay. Are you ready? Yeah. This actually ties in quite nicely with what I've been talking about in my socials. Okay. So we've had a situation with Renner's in the bed.

Have you seen? No. He has yeeked himself out of his car. Oh, yes. Not just a little bit. He is fully. Woo! Did you put a video on?

No. No. I didn't want people to hate me, you know. Why are you not helping him? You're filming him instead for comedy value, you know? And it's hard. It's a really hard topic to talk about because again, you're doing what you think is best and safe for your child, aren't you?

And when you say to people, oh, I'm going to leave him in the cot for a longer, why would you do that? When he could really hurt himself. And then you give him a bed, but you don't put a baby getting, and people are like, why would you give him a bed? You can't win. So it's a hard topic to talk about. And we got the side of the cot out of the loft because he's in the cot,

but he's got the little lower bit for the bed. Yes. So we did all that. He got out a couple of times, literally fully not even like try to gently lower himself down, full on, just let go and heated himself out. At one point, just rolled out, put himself up, rolled on his back and just bang on the floor. So we had a couple occasions of that. So what I said to Chris is what we need to try and do is just monitor him when he's on the monitor during the day for a nap.

The moment he stands up, because normally Redney doesn't look. Like at the moment he wakes up, he doesn't want you to go in and get him. He likes to come around. Right. So if you go in there and get him, he's like, no, out, get out of his room. Because he's just not ready to get up and face the day. Fair enough. Likes to wake up and just chill.

Like we all do. Yeah. So I said the moment he stands up, we've got to run, run like your ass is on fire to go and get that baby out. So we can take, distract him from climbing out. So that's fine. But in the mornings when we're half asleep, we couldn't get to him quick enough. So we put the side of the bed on. And he cried.

He cried and he sobbed. And he was like, not my bed. Not my bed. And I was like, what the fuck do we do? Like I'd gone to Argus, got myself a baby gate. Yeah. I then got him a, got the cot bedside down out of the thingy. And then he broke his heart.

So I had to put the side of the cot back on, take the baby gate off. So put them back up in the loft. And he slept perfectly. Two nights. No worry. And he's back in there sleeping. In the cot. In the cot with the side up.

Okay. Night three, I woke up in the middle of the night. I shit you not. No, actually, I didn't wake up. Chris woke up and he said to me, there's someone in the kitchen. And I said to him, I don't know why you're waking me up to tell me like I'm going to fucking go down there and get a burglar and sort him out. Get your fucking ass downstairs if you can hear someone in the kitchen.

Don't ask me. Yeah. And I was saying, anyhow, this chat, we're wasting our time. So he come out and he'd run back to the door and he went, he's rendered. he's gone while I burst in to tears. I burst in to tears. I was like, fucking someone's broken in and they've kidnapped Renli. I didn't know what to do with myself. I was hyperventilating in the bedroom.

He was like, check the other two. So I went in the other two's bedroom. They were absolutely fine. So he was like, right, we need to go downstairs. And I was like, I don't know why we're wasting so much time. If our baby's gone, why are we stood in fucking talking? Did you not think? No, no, because he slept for two nights in the cot without eating himself out of it. So I thought, someone's stolen. My first reaction was someone stolen. When dad says chains on the door.

So I said to start outside the kitchen door. I was like, fuck, we're going to go in. And there's a man in here. And someone, or they're gone. The window's gone. Everything's gone. Opened up the door, turned on the light. Ren is just sat there eating a bag of quavers.

No. No. Sat in the pitchback, eating quavers. How did he do that? And he just went, mo? M. I just said, I was bawling my eyes out. And I just picked him up and hugged him.

And he was wiping my tears. Like, are you all right, bitch? Are you okay? I said to Chris, right, leave the side of the fucking. cot on and put the baby gate on. Yeah, both. Because I obviously put the side of the cot on, left the baby gate open. Thinking he doesn't need it. So he's got, he's eating himself out of his cot. He's got himself downstairs. Downstairs, walk to the kitchen in the pitch black, shut the door behind

him or he's got the crisps out because he needs an extra light so he can see him. Can we open a bag of crisps? He's open the bag of criss. Yeah, of course he can. He eats about 15 bags a day. Shut the door and just sat in the pitch black on the floor eating a bag of fucking quavers. I bet you shit your pants. I said to Chris, I don't know what point you you thought you were okay to wake me up, like I was going to go down and fucking face him. He said, oh, I'm not waking you up again. Yeah, good. Don't wake me up again.

You do with it. Because I'm not going to go down and face a burglar. So there we go. My baby is literally, not only can he get out of his bed, he can get himself safely down the stairs. Okay, we have got baby gates on the stairs and it was wrong of me to leave the baby gate open. And I did leave the baby gate open. He had a cut. Which you don't think they're going to get out of.

But now in this case, I have now got baby gates. Baby gate at the bottom of the stairs, baby gate at the top of the stairs, baby gate in his bedroom and he's back in a full cot. So it's like... It's been five days now since. And it hasn't happened again. Hasn't happened again. And I've moved all the food from the lower cupboard to the top cupboard. Yeah, come on.

So now he doesn't know the food's in there. Can't get it. Yeah, can't get the food. Yeah, yeah. But he just, we just, we're just, we're not having more quaver. What's on was it? What's on was it? What's on is it?

I'll tell you, I've never been so scared of my hands. The panic of seeing an empty, an empty cot when you look in there. and you're expecting to see a baby? It was a mix of emotions. One, I thought we'd been burgled. Two, someone stole my baby. And three, actually, I'm living with Spider-Man. Oh, my God.

Spider-Man, he's just fucking feeding himself at quarter past midnight, bag of quavers. Oh, gosh. So this is my secret of the week that I did think I'd safe-proof my house enough. In fact, I have them. It's never enough. No, it's never enough.

The quadruple... It's even giving me anxiety just talking about it. Yeah, it's actually really stressing. me out that split second where I thought one would be burglared. I just went downstairs. I won't wake him. I won't wake him for a midnight snack. Just go get your pavers.

I'll go on my own. Won't disturb him. Can you imagine he'd walked himself back up the stairs and got back him to bed? This whole incident happening. You had no clue. You have a monitor in your room though, don't you? Yes. We didn't hear nothing.

Oh, he didn't. No. I didn't hear nothing. Didn't even hear. Maybe he like done a really slow drop. He didn't do his normal bang to the floor. And he gets up and he goes, oh. Oh.

Oh. So you know when he's out of the cock because he goes, oh, oh. He was in stealth mode. Out. He normally says out so you can hear him because he's saying he's out. Or he stands now in the bed sometimes and shouts, get me out. Get me out. Or he stands on the table, even though he's got himself on the table, stands on the table and says, get me down.

Oh, yeah. Get me down. Yeah, we have that. Down. So there you go. That's my secret. Jesus Christ. It was stressful.

I won't lie to you. It's giving me sweaty eyes. I'm sweating. Thinking about it. That was, no one's, no three of them have done that.

And again, I said on my Instagram that I don't know whether it's because we were the bungalow before and now with the house whether I'm more terrified of him being in a bed

for that fucking reason. I think it's just third child energy. He's giving third child energy. He's given big, big child energy. He said big dick. I didn't mean that. DG.A.F.

DG. A.F. Big child energy. So there you go. That's my secret this week. And after the break, we'll have some of yours. We've got three secrets from you we're going to be discussing this week. I always get them from you.

It's like I say it too fast. We've got three secrets we're going to be discussing from you. This week? This week. So Emma, take it away with number one. Aren't you glad to see the back of these? They go next week. I was going to say, your teeth are looking really straight.

Hank the hell. Finished. Nearly, yeah, one week to go. That's been 13 weeks already. Yeah. That's flown for me. That's a wild one, isn't it? No, no.

I've had to live it every day. It's been fucking torturous. All right, I definitely recommend. Do not recommend. I've written in before about the shock of transitioning from one to two babies, but I thought I'd share the even more shocking experience of my second birth. Yes. My first baby, my son, now five, was an absolute dream birth.

That's interesting because what we were saying a couple of weeks ago, was that most people's first baby is the bad one. Start to finish, it was six hours. Apart from feeling like a toddler who had wet the bed when I was sick on the ward and having to stand naked from the waist down, while a poor nurse mopped up my mess, It was quick and luckily not even that painful. Stunners.

So naturally, I thought, no problem. Let's do it again. Fast forward to my second labour. After 24 hours in hospital with strong contractions and little progress, they decided to break my waters. And when I say it was Niagara Falls. Yes. I mean Niagara Falls. When I stood up to let the midwife mop up, a second wave came crashing out.

But hey, it worked. Within an hour, I was ready to push. Now, for some reason, this labour was astronomically painful. My body refused to move and I was, let's just say, blocking me. exit. It took a three-person operation to shuffle me forward just enough to get this baby out. After a few pushes, my baby girl launched into the world so slippery and unexpectedly heavy that the poor student midwife had to call for a backup to catch her. Wait for this. Oh my gosh. She weighed in at a very healthy £10, £7 ounces with a full head of beautiful black hair. Thanks for all the laughs and

sending love to all the mummers out there from a very blessed mum of two, Alex. Alex, you basically birthed her toddler. 10 pounds seven. Wow, that is a beautiful. beautiful, healthy big baby. Wow. No wonder it hurt you. Yeah, Jesus Christ. And no wonder, she probably couldn't find the exit, poor little thing. Gosh.

Wow. I think fair play. That is up there with being a fucking massive achievement of life to go, do you know what? Not only have I birthed a human. Yeah. I birthed a 10 pound baby. Jesus Christ. Wow.

There was me naively going last week. If Sadie had come first, I'm sure I would have just been out. She could have been out. She could have been out. No. Wow. Not if she was 10 pounds. That is an absolute wow, wow.

Boy first. Did she have a boy first? Yeah. Girl second. So again, I wonder if I had a really shit labor, first labor was not shit. That's dramatic. But the worst labor I had out of the three of them was my first. Yeah.

And then Dottie was a dream. Yeah. So is it a boy girl thing? They normally say it's like like we said last week or the week before. It's normally the other way around, isn't it? The more your births go along, like second or third baby. The easier they meant to get. I don't know if it's easy.

but quicker generally, but she's had it the other way around. She's like, who knows? I don't know. I'd love to know if her boy was a big baby as well. Yes, we don't know what weight he was. Because babies also tend to get bigger as they go along. Am I making that up? No, that is meant to be the case.

Is that true? Yeah. Only wives tale, though. I don't know if that's like a proven fact. Well, mine was smaller, but then it was boy than girl. Roxanne's were all tiny. Tobias. Her second was the smallest.

Everly, I would have said it was the biggest baby. That's the third. Fourth, Ever's his fourth. So did yours get bigger as they went along? Did they weigh more as they went along? Colby was 7.3. Dottie was 8, 4 and a half. Renley was 6.12.

Yeah, but obviously premies. If he'd gone another month... It would have been bigger. I think he would have been a 10-pounder. Do you? Yeah. It was a whopper. Yeah.

Wow. But yeah, Roxanne's was Eden, I want to say, was like 613. Tobias was 6.3. And then Ember was a good size. Ember was 7 pounds. and then Evers was 8, 5. Whoa. Yeah.

But Evers, she was two weeks overdue with Evely. Was she? Yeah, she was two weeks over. I do wonder if I'd gone longer with Joseph because he was 9-1. Whoa. That's good size though. But only four days overdue. So if I'd gone like two weeks, he would have been, I think he would have been a 10-pounder, maybe.

Oh, Alex, I love that. Congratulations. Yeah, massive congratulations. And I hope you're all settling in, settling well and baby girls settling to the world wonderfully. I know, I don't know if this was recent or not, but... Either way. Either way. I love this story.

Yeah. And I hope you're doing great. Right, let's have our secret number two. All right, this one says, hello both. My 18-month-old is going through the throwing every meal all over the floor phase. Usually I'm quite patient, but I found this particular day too much and it tipped the iceberg. I blurted out, you fuck her under my breath. Stunners.

You feel like that sometimes, don't you? That's so justifiable. I felt awful. And of course, she's been repeating fucker constantly since. Oh, no. I'm nervous at every nursery pickup that they're going to mention it. I don't even know what I'd say and I feel so guilty for calling my little angel a fucker. Please tell me I'm not an awful mum.

Love Chloe from Nottinghamshire. Chloe, you're not an awful mum. Emma literally called Sadie Fisie Fanny. If you haven't seen the app, you need to go watch it. She called her a fishyy. No, not in any way shape before. No, it's understandable as well. It's really.

And I think nursery would find it funny. She's only 18 months. Yeah, or just denial knowledge. Yeah. Oh my God, who's taught that here? Yeah. That's what I want. No one's going to know it's come from you.

Gaslight the nursery. Yeah. No, joking, don't do that. Just deny it. Deny, deny, deny, deny. Deny. Gosh, she must have picked that up from her grandparents. Yeah.

Her dad. Certainly not from her home. Not from me. I don't know where that's come from. No, you're not awful. But that feeling is so relatable of when they throw their, you've made them a meal. You think, are they really going to like this? It's when you pick it out and you go, oh, fuck off.

And you just fuck off and you just fuck off and eat the fucking pasta. Fuck sake. And then they look at you like, all right, chill. Yeah. Just don't want to. Because for them, they're just exploring. Yeah. They're like, oh, let me feel this texture.

Let me just splat this pasture on my hair. Yeah. What does it feel like in my hair? And they rub it all down my top and this spag ball goes straight in my hair. They're having a great time and you're like, you fuck up. You fucking fucking fucking fuck. So when they get it in the bath as well and you put your spag bowl baby in the bath and you think this white bath is going to be orange.

You know when you put Tupperware in the dishwasher with a spag bowl dish and that's it. It's fucked. Everything's ruined. It's orange forever. That's like putting the baby in the bar. Yeah. This is it. We're going to have spag ball bar forever.

Spock ball. Spock ball. Spock ball. Spock ball forever. No. You are not in any way, shape, or form to feel awful. No. I say embrace it.

If nursery say anything, deny. Yeah. Deny or knowledge. Deny. Yeah. We love you for it. They'll never know. Chloe, we've got to have these outbursts.

It's the only things that keep us going. Yeah. Gets you through the day. Gets you through the day. Yes. Right. Let's have our last secret, please. This one says, Dear Sofa and Emma, I'm 58 and currently live with my three adult children, two boys and one girl, plus my daughter's boyfriend and his daughter.

Oh my God, this is full house. This is beautiful. And sometimes they never leave. Can I move in? Please, will you have me? I'm sure she'd take you. Don't get me wrong. I love them all dearly, but privacy is sometimes completely non-existent.

My oldest son is moving out at the end of the month and he came into my room the other day, really excited to tell me something. He jumped onto my bed and landed directly... My boob. No. On my electric itchy leg device. Hidden under my pillow and it started vibrating. Fuck off. What is that? Oh, I think someone's calling me. Like my phone.

It's a very consistent vibrate there, mum. Yeah, I think my phone's fucked. Get out anyway, where they take it, it's the doctors. He jumped straight back up and walked out. Oh, no. Yours faithfully clean from Canada. Oh, Colleen. Colleen.

They must know. Yeah. They must know. He's grown up. They're all grown up. Are you using the itchy leg device while they're all in the house? Well, she said privacy is nonexistent. So I think you've got to get, take your moments where you can. How many adults have we got in there?

We've got four adults, one child. Four adults and a child, yeah. Wow. God. And she's got the vibrator 2000 vibrating under her pillow. Listen. Listen. Mom's got to do what mom's got to do.

Girls got to do what girls got to do. Did he know? Yeah. Okay. He's a grown up man. at least he's moving out. Yeah. Oh, is she sad about it there?

Colleen, I need to know. I need more details. I thought she was going to be like, oh, it's really hard to do it. No, she's just like, I just want to be able to use my vibrator in peace. I'm sure she can't wait to see the back of him. And now that I've had this awkward moment together, I think it's going to be a little bit easier that he's not there all the time. But his last parting memory is his mum.

Yeah. People would be like, why did you move out in the end? What was the show that broke the camera's back? She was under her a pillow. I jumped on my mum's vibrator while she was in bed. That probably meant she just. been using it. Oh God. Oh, Colleen, there's so much you left out of the story.

We need more. We need more information. Give us more. Oh, gosh, I love these. That is literally my, that's my biggest dream. Is that everyone's moves in with you? I'll have all three of them, all their partners, all their children, get them all in. I'll take the lock.

You can need a bigger house. Yeah. Like the sound of music. Yeah. We'll just be dancing in the garden. You can call them all downstairs with a whistle. Gosh. Thank you guys.

Thank you for messaging today. We appreciate you all and everyone is welcome in the Secret Mum Club. If you'd like to share your secrets with us, you can. The email is hello at Secret Mumpod.com or with Secret MumPod on TikTok and Instagram. Is your stealthy baby ever gone for a midnight snack? Are your itchy leg devices sufficiently hidden? Then let us know. There really is nothing too outrageous.

Keep an eye out for our Thursday episode. And we'll see you next time on the Secret Mum Club.