Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Milk Cannons

Episode Date: December 11, 2023

It's busy in the Secret Mum Club during the run-up to Christmas. Sophiena has been trying to navigate living in chaos, whilst Emma has officially recruited her Dad for babysitting duties. But we're never too busy for your correspondence and secrets! We hear from a top 5% listener, a Mum with a magical cupboard, another Mum who had a bit of trouble at the spa, and we've officially extended the list of Daddies in the Secret Mum Club (another one?!). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello this is the secret mum club i'm safina and i'm emma this podcast is a safe space for mums everywhere a safe space to share our secrets because we all have secrets don't we we do and as we know sharing is caring you don't even have to tell us who you are you can keep that to yourself you can be anonymous and all those secrets can be serious or silly all secrets are welcome in the secret mum club And all those secrets can be serious or silly. All secrets are welcome in the Secret Mum Club. Do you ever feel like we're going to get to a point where we don't need to read the paper? Yeah, or just that we don't need to record that bit because it's the same every week. Oh, that's very true.

Guys, that's very true. It's only just occurred to me. A waste of my time. Did it dawn on you just then? Yeah, I feel like I could memorise it by now. Episode 41. Yeah, but then I feel like when you're a bit snotty, we're going to know if it's just a clear thingy all the time.

Yeah, and also sometimes we do ad lib when we're feeling funny. Sometimes the start is a bit more fruitier than normal. Yeah, exactly. Sometimes right before the record you say, wet ass pussy. And it makes me laugh so we should just start ad-libbing on the start maybe we should maybe we should chuck in some wet ass pussy or some big scrotums welcome all scrotums are welcome in the secret mom club and on that note how's your week how's your talking of scrotums how are you how's chris did you actually investigate the scrotum um no i haven't really seen it

the density of his scrotum i haven't really seen him but as soon as i do i will be stripping him down yeah and having a look did you have to do double check yeah and it changes with heat doesn't that the colder the ball more shriveled the more shriveled the tougher the skin the warmer the ball the more saggy the looser yeah i think that's because i don't know that i was gonna just say some science that doesn't make any sense then what was your science i was gonna say sperm needs to be kept cold but actually it's never gonna be cold is it because it's inside no it's okay that's why they have balls on the outside and we have our bits on the inside because eggs need to be warm and sperms need to be cold but what if you wear tight underpants well that's the thing you shouldn't

you shouldn't wear really tight underpants you shouldn't sit on a heated car seat nothing that's going to damage your sperm chris has the heated car seat on every day well that just throws my theory into doubt because he's had three children i thought i thought it was a hot hot sperm was girl cold sperm was boy we had this conversation before we did have this no scientist did get in touch so please do help us out we're shouting out to all scientists but sperm needs to be cold i do have a friend who's a scientist but she's like a makeup scientist she can't she can't and she doesn't even have a scrotum so does she have one that she could get her hands on unfortunately no because she has a late lady partner oh okay are you allowed to say lady partner she's got a girlfriend girlfriend

yeah sorry i don't know how to say how about your man partner felt very invasive then on my best friend's life right anyway so how was your week what have you done oh do you remember your are we doing me first yeah because i can't remember what the fuck i did what have i done we we've had a good week stephan's been away working a lot so we've had to have some uh grandparent help you love a bit of grandparent i know it's always nice but i don't know whether other people find this, but like the main grandparent really. Is your mum. Is my mum. Yeah.

Because I don't know. I feel like it's always the girls mum. It's always the way. Right. It's the maternal grandmother and they live closer than Stefan's parents. And I think it's just like a woman thing. Like she did most of the raising of us when we were kids. So like she's more hands on with Joseph.

She knows how to do a nappy, all that stuff. My dad's normally there, but he'll do things like. The fun stuff. The granddaddy stuff. He'll just on with Joseph. She knows how to do a nappy, all that stuff. My dad's normally there, but he'll do things like. The fun stuff. The granddaddy stuff. he'll just do like stuff that he knows how to do already, like washing up, dinner,

all that kind of stuff. Like nothing really baby related. This week we needed someone to come and do overnight. Shit. Which is obviously looking after Joseph overnight and then getting him ready and dropping him off at nursery in the morning,

which can be an ordeal. Yeah. My mum got ill shit ironically joseph made her ill so she wasn't able to come up so my dad had to go solo how was man solo for the first time ever wow it was great fuck off i thought that joseph was gonna be like because when he turned up he was like nanny and granddad and i was like oh no oh god no nanny's not here he's gonna have a because when he turned up, he was like, nanny and granddad. And I was like, oh no, oh God, no, nanny's not here.

He's going to have a meltdown. No. After five minutes, he was like, granddad this, granddad that, loving it. We would have dinner together. They were playing. This is absolutely tremendous.

Really cute, yeah. Oh, wow. And my dad smashed it. He's never done a nappy before, I don't think, or not since probably for about 35 years. Do you know for definite that there was a nappy change?

Did you just get into nursery and go, look, I don't know how to do this. He for about 35 years. Do you know for definite that there was a nappy change? Did you just get into nursing and go, look, I don't know how to do this. He sent us a picture saying, he's ready. My sister was like, has he got,

my dad was like, this all seems too easy. I must've forgotten something. My sister was like, has he got a nappy on? My dad was like, oh, the nappy goes on Joseph.

Ah. Not me. Oh, right. Let's get changed. Joseph, take it around. I've got your nappy on i'm sorry he did amazing oh he got into nursery on time it was yeah it was very cute so now he could do it again oh i love yeah it was lovely that's nice good on your dad though yeah i know dude did you ask him how he felt about it not really i. I was just like, we need to help.

Please come. Please still come. Someone come. You could have rung me. I would have come. Well, it's a bit far for you, isn't it? You need the practice, though, and nappies and stuff again. It's the night off.

Well, yeah, that's true. Yeah. But it's been a nice week. Joseph's at a very cute age at the moment. Now that he's had his massive shit. Thank God. Is he still feeling light on his toes? He's feeling light. We've're still getting on a little small dose of laxative so he's regular it's such a relief honestly because it was horrible watching him trying to strain those

poos out he was really uncomfortable so we've sorted that he's over his little illness for now i'm sure there'll be more this winter um and he's just so cute at the moment like he's just at that age where he's saying like so many new words every day like maybe he knows it's christmas and he's just so cute at the moment like he's just at that age where he's saying like so many new words every day like maybe he knows it's christmas and he's in the spirit yeah he's excited oh god love it he started getting into unwrapping presents i said to you the moment is just gonna click and you're just never gonna know you're never gonna remember the the hard stage yeah it's just gonna click and you never do do you you don't forget the last bottle you feed them yeah you forget the last baby grow you put on them the last nappy but you forget like yeah the sleepless nights and like when he was a nightmare to put down to bed like i touch wood i

would say at the moment and you laugh about it nice yeah and you laugh you sit back and go remember that time when i'm stressed because he wouldn't sleep. Yeah. I was pulling my hair out. What was wrong? And you looked like you were crazy because you were like, what was wrong with me? The thing is now, I'm like,

he goes down to bed a dream. He sleeps through the night. Go on, Joseph. He's so cute. He's just like, he's lovely at the moment and then I'm like,

shit, I'm going to have a newborn that's going to fuck it up. Newborn that's going to fuck me up. I don't know though. You don't know because I thought it was going to fuck shit up i don't know that you you don't know because i thought it was gonna fuck shit up and was it fine i'm hoping you know people just loved her so look what still

loves her so much and you know people are like the second one's so chill they'll sleep they'll just fit in with the routine i'm just holding on to that yeah i think everybody has that kind of experience so unless baby has some issues. Yeah, like Colby had intolerances and stuff like that. Dotsie was a bit colicky. But otherwise, you don't really. Because your brain, it's weird to explain. It's because your brain's not mentally there.

It's like you just do it without realising you're doing it. And because it's not your first baby, it's not your first rodeo. I do think that will be easier. Like we know what we're doing now. And it's been quite a short gap so like i remember everything pretty much is it the same gap between colby and doc yeah two years a month and a day there's this wow it might be exactly the same it's gonna be well by the due date like two years one month and a bit so we'll see how weird's that yeah i was thinking god that's such because when i got pregnant i was like shit that's such a close gap but actually it's not that it's not that crazy is it it's not

that some people have two under two yeah some people have a baby then fall pregnant again straight away and some my friends are in the same school year but there's their sisters they're not twins and they're in the same school wow so they must have got their mom must have got pregnant when the baby was like three months or something. I think she- Not even. Straight away.

Gave birth, had sex. Wow. Off we go again. I mean, once you're in it, you might as well just, like a band-aid, just bash it out. Yeah, bash it out. That's what I'm thinking now. Two and done. Stop there.

Are you going to stop at two? I think so, yeah. Yeah. And my nurse, Joseph's nursery teacher cracks me up though. She's got four children. Wow. So she's always like, oh, you know, how's your pregnancy going bumps looking big like you're feeling good yeah yeah so I speak to her about the pregnancy quite a lot like every time I pick Joseph up and I'm like oh yeah but like this is probably going to be the last one though so like she's like oh that's boring I've got four kids like you should basically she's

forcing me to have more more children I say do it she's on with her she's bullying me into it she hasn't got sex with stephan she's got three girls and a boy wow yeah so she's like do what i did it's great she's like don't be boring don't have two yeah it's quite i think two i'm i'm excited to be a five five is nice three we're both for five family and i think it's nice yeah yeah it's a nice dynamic it is a nice dynamic and i'm really excited i am not gonna lie to you though there is something that's really got right up the crevice of my bum hole this week is emeroids fucking the amount of people talking about my bum the size of my butt do you know what i really hate i really hate the comments are like oh my god are you sure there's anyone in there yeah oh my god are you having twins people are obsessed with the fact

that you're having twins oh my god are you you've got fat oh no people don't say that on my life i've filled the comments out of my tiktok and i was on my stories and i wasn't annoyed i was just more narked at the fact that you shouldn't you shouldn't say that like i was talking about you and me and i was like the difference between you and me your bump is perfect on you but you are so much diddier than me but there's so much littler and i said you're not taking into concept anybody's normal bodily structure before you had a baby but there's people that they want a massive bump and they can't yeah and people are like oh you eating enough yeah i am actually i'm having fucking 10 meals a day yeah i just don't put weight on and i just hate you i really hate the it's like as soon as you get pregnant people feel like they can comment on your body in a way that they never would if

you were never would you say that if i was just fat like if i just put on a few pounds would you say that to me then it's like it's like when you're skinny as well people would be like oh you're so skinny or have a hot dinner whereas people wouldn't really be like god she's really fat i just don't understand why society just says that this is okay like i know i never look at somebody and go i know it doesn't even fathom into my head i just go oh my god your mom is beautiful yeah i don't understand like i don't know i just can't so i got a little bit knocked about this is the problem though when you put like once it's out there but i didn't have it with the other two did i never had and it wasn't doing social media with the other two no so it wasn't and it's something i've been really scared about sharing

yeah well it's it's very personal isn't it it's a personal thing to put out there what i did quite enjoy were the comments on our little video that we put up of us bumping the other day what bumping through the door bumping bumping in the podcast studio because we had two videos yeah when we announced we had an episode coming out um loads of people were like you've both got boy bumps oh i didn't read the fucking i'm not a comment reader am i this is what you got you got to do a deep dive i can't i can't i read every single comment i'm too scared well there you go so if anybody wants to know if my comments are being read emma's reading them because i am so shit scared of my own comment section now i don't read them yeah for someone to go hey fatty stop eating the cakes i've got

too much time on my house so i read them all so a lot of people said that so we will see time will tell either way it's a very very loved baby and a huge bump yeah but i don't think yours is huge i just think it's perfect it feels it feels big for my size but i do love it i know people need to do a deep dive into emma's instagram which i did when we first see got previous pregnancy holy emma's last fun picture with joseph is astro do you know what no i might put up one that i haven't actually shared before which i showed to my friend today she was like oh my god it's a silhouette um photo of me like a black and white so like the lights behind yeah you can't actually see any detail but like it really and it's me in the mirror and it really

emphasizes it must have been like a couple of days before i gave birth it just really oh i really brings it home how fucking massive that bump was it was a good bump it was yeah healthy it was a good baby though nine pound one exactly it's a He was a good sized baby. I think same again. And you know the amount of people that messaged me and said, bloody hell, your baby's going to be huge. Who gives a fuck? Do you know what? I loved having a huge baby because all of my friends that had tiny babies, they had all the stresses about them gaining weight and all of that stuff.

I was just like, this baby's massive. He doesn't need, he don't need anything. He done good. He didn't need any help. He did good in that. Yeah. So I hope I have another big boy. Big boy.

Big boy. Or girl. Or girl. She's saying that. Big boy sounds better. good he didn't need any help he did good in that yeah so i hope i have another big boy big boy big boy or girl or girl she's saying that big boy sounds better she doesn't actually know like me i'm a big batty gal yeah i'm a big batty gal yeah it's the alliteration the big batty crew how was your week i broke my house didn't i oh i saw yeah i saw a video on instagram just break my house what happened i thought you know what? What is worth doing in the front room if you don't rip out the kitchen? Yeah, just... And bash a hole in the wall. Take the whole lot.

Fuck it, yeah. Even starting the conservatory now. I can't make out what you've had done, though. Like, I need a... I almost need a floor plan. Could you get a floor plan? Yeah, of course. I'll send that to you.

I've got the blueprints. Great. That's what I need to see. Yeah, so we basically... So, originally originally the lounge the kitchen was one room right

with a little archway yeah and you could just walk through yeah and then the entrance for what is now my kitchen was the back door right

because the conservatory was never there so we basically blocked it up so they were two separate rooms yep built the conservatory so you'd go in that way

but now I've put a little window in there because I'm going to have a breakfast bar in there. So you're not making it bigger. You're just reconfiguring what's already there. Just reconfiguring. Yeah, rejigging. God, it looks major though.

Doing a little jiggery jiggery poker. How are you feeling about all the mess? Oh, do you know what? I'm actually embracing it. I'm having the time of my life. Are you? Yeah. You love shit like this.

You renovated your whole house. It's so not me. I couldn't deal with the dust. And do you know what? What is this really if you don't do it four weeks before Christmas? Yeah. Four weeks before Christmas and a few months before you have a newborn baby.

I mean, I don't want to do it when the baby's here. No. And I've, you know, we've looked at like moving house. I was talking about this on my Instagram the other night. I've looked at like moving house. We've also looked at extending the house. And do you know what? I just think right now life is okay for us.

We're comfortable. Chris is at home. We're in an opportunity for us we're comfortable chris is at home we're in an opportunity that we would never have with having him at home and i've spoken to you about this before haven't i him not working he doesn't have to work i'm very fortunate that i can do this and keep us both at home we can afford the mortgage as is why i don't want to put the extra pressure and if if in the new year when the baby comes and i've got to slow down and chris says i'm going to do a couple of days out at work now why am i then going to put more pressure on him to one have more of an expensive house yeah or to up the price of our mortgage to accommodate

for a extension you'd rather him be at home more i'd rather him just and you love your house i love our little house i'm not gonna lie and i said we can have little man in with us anyway until he's like a year yeah because i'm trying my best to keep the baby's routine as normal as possible yeah and i need them sleeping so as long as he's in with me it's not going to disturb them no i said if we could get a good amount of time left in the house i don't want a big house i don't want more to clean i like it being a little cute and quaint and cozy and yeah that's where we're at so is there a bedroom for the baby there isn't at the moment no no so he's going to be in with us but that isn't to say that we can't because dotsy's room

is so massive you could split we can scale it down to have a little single room yeah for him so that chuck a baby in her she to be fair she she's trying to redesign her whole bedroom to accommodate for a cot and a wardrobe for him and then she said you know what we could do we could do bunk beds for me and colby and then the baby have a cot and then we can have colby's room as a playroom yeah and i was like that is really great but i don't think colby's gonna be i don't think colby's gonna jump on board with that no because also when colby's like a teenage boy he loves his space he'll have a little boy have to share his room with a little boy yeah so i think we can get by i said i'd like to get get by as is yeah for at least a year yeah oh

yeah but i'd say i'm looking like five years yeah we can get by for five years then yeah and as well i'm very fortunate that i have my sister has a big house she's got a big family so she's got a beautiful big house and the babies love going there my sister's got playrooms there's four children there for the babies to play with so we naturally always go to my sisters yeah and is she nearby yeah yeah they're not too far away or we go to my mum's so in turn really we don't know no one ever really congregates at ours i take that shit to someone else yeah don't go wild kids don't host you're like me i'm like why would i host when i can just go to my mom's house yeah my mom's like oh do you want to think about christmas dinner no yeah i do eating as much

as i can at yours yeah fill up on the sprouts mom so me and emma really want to hear from you yeah we want you to join us in the secret mom club you're all welcome you can share your secrets with us respond to what we've been talking about or just say hello you can find us on tiktok and instagram just search secret mom pod or you can email us hello at secret mom pod.com and it's now time for the correspondence corner you remind me of them ai people as you know then on social media and they're like thank you for the rose thank you for the sunglasses thank you for entering the correspondence corner i hate that automated voice so much do you yeah i kind of find it a bit sexy i was wrong for saying that then all right this message says hey ladies thank you for the podcast

hey sexy ladies i was listening to you on my way to the vet with my beloved pooch she hasn't been well and i fear the worst is about to come oh no but as i was driving to you on my way to the vet with my beloved pooch she hasn't been well and i fear the worst is about to come oh no but as i was driving down the road with tears of sadness in my eyes i had to pull in and park up as i started crying from laughter listening to safina tell the story about colby's not so near death experience in the pool that is exactly how i would react in that situation thank you both for always being honest and making us mums and dads not feel alone. Lots of love, Hazel. Oh, Hazel.

I hope your baby pooch is okay. Oh, yeah. Poor fur baby. I thought this was going to be a dog story after you lost a dog story. But it was a Colby nearly drowning story. I was so fucking... That's tormented me.

Do you know, I was meant to go after the Monday and I said Chris is going to take them last week did they go oh my god I said that's it we've gone too far now

there's no way back yeah we can't go now you have to go because we look fucking stupid yeah it's been three weeks four weeks

I'm going to have to change the whole pool I can't I'm going to have to take them somewhere else it's too embarrassing now I'm going to have to just ride the season. I can't. You have to take it somewhere else. I'm going to have to take it somewhere else. It's too embarrassing now. I'm going to have to just ride the season out. Dead Chris to do.

Why didn't Chris go? Because he fucking, what did he not go for? Oh, Dot snorted off. Oh, great excuse. And then he said, I'm not waking her up. Don't worry. She's just fucking nodding off at 20 past four though, mate. Oh, no.

And then she was up at midnight having a party. Oh, he let her sleep at 20 past four. For how long? Midnight. Oh, my. She woke up at midnight having a party. Oh, he let her sleep at 20 o'clock. Of course he did. For how long? Midnight. Oh my. She woke up at midnight and was like, hi guys, any chance I can get some cereals? Yeah, because I've had a full bloody night's sleep

in the middle of the day. She wanted some cereals. Midnight. So I'm assuming this one's on you. Yeah. Sunny jib. Yeah. So yeah, that was,

that was a wild ride. It was funny. Poor Colbs. Poor Colbs. We've got another one here. It says, hello soph and emma i just got the most amazing news i was going through my spotify wrapped for this year did you have one of those no oh mine was so embarrassing spotify wrapped is like all your songs that you've listened to most over the year your top played artist we got sent a few people being like our most listened podcast secret mom club fuck all

yeah where was it wasn't we tagged in it yeah people our listeners were in like the top like three percent of listeners to the whole podcast which was so so wonderful to see that is incredibly wonderful i know my whole spotify was fucked by joseph my top song of the year was paddington by gary barlow wow we do we do love a barlow uh anyway this is uh i was going through my spotify wrapped for the year and you'll never guess what it told me i'm a top five percent fan stop it i listen to every single episode you bring out you get me through my long commutes i love listening to you both and without fail you always make me laugh congratulations to both of you on your pregnancies. Lots of hugs. Cheyenne.

What? That is the second huge news. From the Highlands of Scotland. Thank you, Cheyenne. Where was I? Look, I don't get that many messages. So I've got time to go through. That is bloody massive, isn't it?

Yeah. Top five. What a true friend. True bloom. That is true, true friendship. That is, isn't it yeah top five what a true what a true friend true bloom that is true true friendship that is isn't it yeah thank you Cheyenne god bless you yeah oh I love that so I know there were so many so thank you to everyone for listening thank you so much and no thanks to Joseph who ruined my algorithms sorry Joseph don't forget we're getting you a cow um so you can get in touch with us on anything at all. Yeah, it can be serious or silly

and you can be totally anonymous. Because between us, we've probably heard it all before. And remember, We're all in this together and we know that we are. We're all stars and we see that. Each week, we'll be sharing our secrets and yours in the Secret Mum Club.

And this week is my secret. This week? This week or every week. Here's another one. Here's another one. I actually got two scenarios I was going to talk to you about. Okay. I just wanted, because I forgot to say it on my, on what's happened this week.

Do you know I had the most incredible experience on the train this morning? Oh. On the way here. I met this wonderful wonderful woman and her little toddler who was two and the train was rammoed today rammoed like it was I've never seen anything like it's because um it was icy it's the weather and people didn't want to drive yeah the weather conditions so I was on the train sat next to this lovely lady and I sat in the seat where it's like the disabled elderly or pregnant pregnant um yeah like the wheelchair-y pram-y bit or the pregnant

bit so I sat there and I thought I always get up and move there's somebody that needs it more than me um so sat next to this lovely lady and then I got to um Winchester and the train got even more busy and a lady got on struggling with her push chair she came in and the lady next to me had moved so she said she sat next to me and put the toddler on her lap and she was trying to she was moving the pram and stuff and I said to we sat down for a little bit and then I finished my hot drink I chucked it away and the little boy wanted to see out the window so I said to, I'll sit on the floor so he can have the window. She was reading. Honestly, I cried so much on the train because she was reading him stories.

And I was like, this is too much for my hormones. But she was so illiterate and so magical with the way she was reading the story. So illiterate, you mean? Illiterate, yeah. I was going to say, because reading him stories would be really hard if she was illiterate okay yeah i don't know the word but like the way she was doing it was just really amazing it was just reading stories but she actually can't read she can't yeah that's me i'm talking about being literate because i can't read um but she just was reading this story it was so magical to this little boy and i sat on the floor bless her heart

she was like please i can't if you sat on the floor because i sit on the floor at home i was like i'm a mum i've got my third one on the way she was a mum of three her children our other two children were the same age is colby and dotty and it was just a really really lovely experience but i tell you what it was someone pissed on my fire because as soon as she got off the train i asked her she wanted to help get her pram off the train um fucking two men sat down. You're joking. In the scenes. So I stood there and under my coat like, there's a reason for this big old bad fatty boy bump now.

Just fucking stared at me. I was glad that the end of that story was what it was because I thought you were going to say someone pissed on you while you were sitting on the floor. I nearly pissed myself. Might as well have done. Yeah, you might as well have done. Didn't say anything.

Didn't even make any off-the-back eye contact. Did you have your Bob badge on? No, but I had me the whole belly out. Bar on flashing a nip. I couldn't have showed any more. And just, oh, so cross.

Did you say anything? No, I didn't. Two chicken shits. Yeah, I'm surprised. I thought you'd be well in there. I was going to and I thought, you know what? I've just had a lovely chat with a lady.

It was like a little crash. Do you think they knew you were pregnant with like your coat and everything on? Yeah. Cause I hadn't done my coat. I didn't have my coat on cause I was so hot. You could clearly see your bum.

Yeah. Would you say today you could see today? Yeah, I think so. But do you know what? I think people don't want to be, um, rude.

No, I don't know. It's quite a loose jumper you've got on. I think people don't want to be rude and and ask you if you're not well their bellies were bigger than mine sorry maybe they needed my santa season then they need those seats more than you did yeah i'm so cross and they weren't even elderly either and i just thought you know and i don't like to be that person and i wasn't bothered it was more the fact that they didn't say would you like the seat yeah to maybe sit down bear in

mind they watched me struggle to get off of the floor yeah because my legs were dead because i'd been sat on the floor for 40 minutes wow that's a good effort it was a long time i was sat on the floor but it wasn't even like a do you want to hand up because i was like this should i get off the moving train maybe they were worried to ask you because they didn't they didn't know you were pregnant i don't know but anywho i had a i just met this absolutely divine woman to do a little plug on the podcast and i thought oh god i hope she listens you're always making friends everywhere i just love it so much i know i just can't get enough of i just can't get enough of it never have a chat and i said to her i even

said to her on the train i said i just bloody love talking to people she was like yeah no shit i just wanted to enjoy the train with my son and read him a nice book and i'm fucking stuck talking to you but anywho that was that happened bloody hell and then my secret of the week this week is that we are again trying colby for the third football team and not another one not another one i'm just pissing people off left right and center i know what do you mean so he went for a team yeah he got in he got into a team yeah played his debut yeah have i told you since then that we had a little tiny bit of a falling out with them no okay we're a little bit is this from you being aggressive on the sidelines i would say that's not how it started so basically colby joined this little

football club yeah and then he wanted to do a bit little bit of a better training because the training that they were doing wasn't very good they were playing like a bulldog bullseye or like not not football they weren't doing football stuff yeah they're doing too many games yeah i i messaged the lady who's in the same the same club but she has a higher division team so i was like oh as it's all the same club could we possibly train with you one day a week she was like yeah no issues and then spoke to the the other guy and he was like you can't do that so you're good luck for the future basically you can't be on so good luck for the future. Basically, you can't be on our team anymore.

We have since resolved this now and we had a meeting face to face. We had to have a meeting with the manager. You got in trouble with the coach. I basically did get in trouble. And then, poor Colby has been

on this other team training with them and the lady hasn't wanted to sign him but signed another little boy that joined after Colby and started playing him into games. Is that because Colby's already in a team though? No, just because she doesn't think he's good enough.

And it's really broken my heart. And I've tried my best to be patient and be understanding and do everything we can. But she just keeps saying, oh, I don't think he's quite right for us. And then she signed somebody else. He doesn't want to play back down for the team in the lower division then no it's not hard I'm saying this to Adam this morning he wants to just keep pushing himself so we kind of stepped away from the teams and we've just got him into doing some coaching with a like an independent football coach so it's not football playing but it's football coaching right so he's training and he's doing all that but he's um he's actually trying it in for a um trial him for another team and i'm very excited and that

team is can't say manchester united yeah chelsea yeah or he actually likes man city that's his favorite oh does he oh yeah i couldn't have said a worse team i know to be fair i don't i don't have a clue yeah i thought he supported southampton when he told me the other day he doesn't he should support Southampton no do you

no no okay I don't really like football to be honest with you I only like it now because Colby plays

does Chris yeah Chris supports Leeds though why so random isn't it Stefan's from like deepest darkest West Wales

but he supports he supports Tottenham why why North London got nothing to do with it Wales West Wales but he supports he supports Tottenham why why North London got nothing to do with him

Wells I think it was just like who where the big players played when they were like when they were little so he was a glory

hunter yeah basically yeah basically Colby goes for Man City because they're the best team yeah yeah

yeah the best team with the most money so I said to him if the team wasn't winning now would you support them and he was like no I'd support the one that's winning right okay cool no loyalty no just want to check so that was basically where i'm at i've had a little bit of a a little bit of a moment with the after school facilitates you've had a bit of a problem with

the clubs in general yeah banished from the um banished from the pool that was really bad yeah banished from the i think it's me i think i'm the problem i'm the problem it's me hey i think it's me i mean yeah but it broke my heart when colby was like oh mum the other boy's been signed and he's playing and does he know why like does he understand what's going on he does and we talked to him about it and he's like but what we what i was saying this morning so i don't I don't understand because he when we do his private coaching I say it's private because he doesn't play football he just we play with him with a football coach and he we pay for that like for him to go to that so we when we take him to that the the coach is so he's a real Jack the lad funny his name is Jack he's a real Jack the lad and he has no reason to bullshit

us or lie and he's like i don't get it mate fucking it colby's good and he said i've got no reason to tell you what he's like because at the end of the day i do my job and we all go home so he said i don't need to sit here and tell you he's good at playing football so he's confused because he's like i don't understand why so is he going she wouldn't sign him he's going to a totally different club now so we are going to try for it. Yeah, because I thought, you know what? We pissed the first team off.

See how long you can last at the next one. So technically, the first two teams that we were with were with the same club. So it's one as a whole. And I just don't think

the club is working out for little Colbs. No, so he's transferring. Yes, we've got to try. They might not like him. He might not like them. You've got to try it out to try it might be perfect he's still in the school team though isn't he he plays football yeah on a thursday his little school as as at his school but that's just like an after school activity yeah not like a football team like he wants like a sunday football

proper one little league yeah yeah so yeah that's where we're at at the moment also if he's not playing for a football team where are you going to get your aggression out on the sidelines you know yeah you need chris chris is getting it so it's been a bit of a wild week so that is quite is that is quite secretive because i haven't shared that with anybody i have been a little bit embarrassed because the football coach was like well have a good life and i was like does that mean kobe can't come they take it all very seriously it was very very and we had to meet like the club secretary and everything

I felt like I was really really in trouble got disciplined I did yeah felt really really bad but we sorted it out and I think the problem was it was a

miscommunication via text message and they did ask us to come back but unfortunately it was one of those things where I was a bit like

once for me once it's gone a little bit sour once you've pissed on your chips yeah I find it really hard to eat them then they're a bit like, ooh. Once, for me, once it's gone a little bit sour. Once you've pissed on your chips. Yeah, I find it really hard to eat them then. They're a bit bitter.

There's no coming back from that. So you've got to find a new football club, a new swimming club. That's it. Great. Start as we mean to go on. Also, Doxy's fucked off gym. She doesn't want to go no more. She says the hall's too cold.

Oh no, they're going to be at home with you all the time. Quick, we need to find some new clubs. Borden School? So yeah, that's my secret of the week. So next, we're going to hear some of yours on the Secret Mum Club. This is the Secret Mum Club, the safe space for you to share your secrets we've got three secrets we're secrets we got three secrets we're gonna be sharing this week with you sequence sequence so emma do you want to give us number one yes this one says hello safina and emma i treated my two daughters to a pick and mix over a week ago

and my six-year-old's bag was still in the cupboard. I thought, oh, she obviously doesn't want them now. So whilst on the hunt for a midnight snack, I tested them. Oh, gosh. The next day, she looked in the cupboard for her sweets, only to find the majority had gone missing. She asked, hey, what's happened to my sweets? And I replied, if sweets are left in the cupboard for too long,

they dissolve. She then went to tell her sister in the next room. My 11-year-old raised her eyebrows at me and said, oh, they dissolve, do they, mum? My six-year-old started frowning and it took all I had to stop myself from laughing. I don't think they bought it, but I will take this to the grave.

From Tiff. Thank you, Tiff. You've made me feel so much better because you know what i had a fucking nightmare a couple of weeks ago um and i chucked all the children's halloween sweets away by accident no on purpose because i had this dream that someone had drugged all the children's sweets so i chucked them all away even now dotsy's like i don't know where my halloween sweets are yeah me neither i don't know what happened with those yeah i thought someone had spiked my children and i was like fuck they

went crazy after eating all these sweets obviously it was the sugar me in my pregnancy state was like someone's drugged the sweets we need to bend them i must have got up at like 20 past one in the morning or something mental chucked them in the bed oh my god children wake up and they were like oh can we have some of our sweets i said yeah after school they come home after school was like where's our halloween sweets i was like oh my god what have you done with them where are they dad have you had the baby sweets dad's had them dad's had them i did blame my god did blame chrissy and then he said i don't remember eating them i was like you did have they got all they got over it okay no they still talk about it now today we're in christmas i was

like wow we've got the yeah we're in december got the advent calendar yeah they'll be on to the next thing exactly yeah at least they didn't have to have all that sugar and stuff some of them were not in wrappers oh no yeah it's a bit unhygienic isn't it right trigger warning okay before we go into this what i don't understand right and dotty makes this makes an incredible i feel like you'd have a really fascinating conversation with dots about this so dotsy is freaking out about santa being in our house okay okay so if there's little people around please turn this off turn it down skip forward because this is your trigger warning okay she doesn't want him in the house because she's like one you tell me not to take things off for strangers i don't know santa personally so i don't want to take toys off him and i was like right okay then

and then she was like also i don't want him in my house would you open the door to a stranger and let him in sit in your house come through the door there comes down the chimney doesn't we don't have a chimney we've got a magic key because he comes through the front door she goes so would you then open the door to a stranger mom and ask him to sit on the sofa where you got my glass of milk this is how she's talking to me i said only with santa i said only santa everybody knows santa she she's having nightmares about it she keeps waking up screaming saying please don't leave the key out for him i don't want him to come in it's a problem because it's like a you know it's a double messaging isn't it yeah when you when you actually sit there and think about it i'm asking

her to sit on the lap of a strange man i don't think they do that anymore never ever met yes they do or you sit next to a bench next to him yeah have a little chat yeah yeah she's taking it very literally she's it's clearly playing on her little mind very very intelligent little girl you just gotta say like he's colby literally told her to shut up yeah he's yeah he's not like he's not like other he's not like normal people he's okay he's okay to come in your house and leave you presents. But is he okay? Yeah. Yeah?

I don't know how I feel about this. Obviously, I'm here. I'm in the club. I'm doing it, guys. But I do understand where she's coming from. I understand that she's having full-on night terrors about it. Like, she's fully scared. But he's magic. I did say that. I said he's magic. And I understand that she's having full on night terrors about it like she's fully scared but he's magic

so it's fine I did say that I said he's magic and I said he lives in the North Pole we're trying to watch lots of lovely Christmas movies

yeah and he'll just be in and out super quick because he's got loads of presents to deliver I said he's going to go and see

loads of people he's not going to be hanging around no I said he won't hang around I think she's more scared that she's going to wake up

and he's going to just be chilling on the couch watching Netflix no you won't even see him you don't know though, do you? My sister saw him once on our roof.

Exactly. Yeah, I heard his boots once and we had snow left in ours. You never know. That he bought from the North Pole. Bottled it up and it melted, didn't it? Dissolving sweets is a genius excuse though. Genius.

Thank you, Tiff. Appreciate you. Sorry, I went on a little bit of a rampage then, but that was, sorry. Always making it about myself. Also, what kind of willpower on that child to not eat sweets straight away put them in the cupboard for later yeah no i would love that depends how big the bag was thank you anywho thank you tiff appreciate your messaging and hope they um hope you enjoyed the pick a mix yeah yeah i love a pick a mix yes not when everyone's fingered it though you're obsessed they do don't they they finger the dish where you get your pick and mix from

not everyone uses a spatula they just grab it yeah sometimes i do that when i'm just like going around the shop just taste a bit for free as you go i i thought i thought it was free yeah if you had to in the shop it was fine yeah it's what my you got taste tested it's what my mum used to tell me i tell the children that yeah help yourself it's free free sweets they fill up the jumpers as long as you don't take it outside it's free right let's go into number two all right this one is from another daddy in the secret mum club daddy feels so weird uh hi safina and emma my wife and i have three children and there are times that my wife goes out to have a girl's night out which i absolutely love to see her doing the one issue I have is when I'm at home with the

children alone, people say, oh, you're babysitting. And it drives me crazy. Me too. I never know what to say and I end up biting my tongue. Just because I'm the dad does not mean I'm babysitting my children. I'm just taking care of them like I do every day with my wife. Do people say that to your husband or fiance? If so, what do they say or think about it? And what are your thoughts on this? Love the podcast, Darren. Darren, I absolutely adore this perspective.

I love that message, Dazza. How beautiful is that for a man to message in and say this? Because this is something women talk about a lot. I know. And do you know what? I was reluctant to say that this was unusual because it shouldn't be it shouldn't it shouldn't be a woman going out and a dad staying at home to look after the children shouldn't be unusual but it is it's more unusual than the other

way around i would say but then i think as well it's only unusual because it's really hard for a mom to go out yeah because we do have that responsibility all day every day and i was talking about it with the lady on the train today is that men don't understand how hard we have it at home but we equally don't know what it's like leaving every day and going to work oh i do well yeah you do yes but in not like i don't when chris was working on the building so i don't know what it was like for him to yeah that time away from the from the house and i sometimes used to sympathize with him because i'd feel bad oh no as someone who's at home and at work going to work is 100 easier oh yes being at home i don't know because mine are both in school up there they're big yeah and also do you know what some people's jobs are very

difficult and are physically hard and demanding and challenging mine is not um so for me going to work would be challenging for me to read that all the time no but going to work for me is a nice little break to be honest but i find being at home is harder work so i feel like there's a divide i feel like but there is it is it is a it's a hard topic to talk about more unusual for dads to be at home because also yeah and it's also everybody perceives things and deals with things completely differently yeah somebody at home may deal with it differently to the next person that's that's at home and and so forth but people do say to to me yeah people say it to me all the time or they'll say it to stefan they'll say oh you babysitting joseph this weekend what are you gonna do and i'm like what is that all the fucking time i don't get any special praise you you can't really say anything you've just got a lot no i i think i think we should

call it out oh why do you say to people he's not babysitting he's being a dad yeah he's looking after his own children yeah he's not babysitting his nieces and his nephew yeah he's watching yeah he's being dad yeah it's funny how society still thinks that about dads though, isn't it? It must be frustrating, like Darren says, it must be frustrating for dads as well, because they're like, no. Yeah, bless Darren as well, how he feels. Yeah, I look after my children all the time. I'm not babysitting them, they're my kids.

You can't, you just can't. But it's not even looking after them. We're not looking after them. You're parenting. Yeah. It's not looking after, is it? We're just parenting. Yeah.

But yeah, I love that Darren's come in with that one. Yeah, me too. But it's not looking after is it we're just parenting yeah um but yeah i love that darren's coming with that one yeah but it's nice thank you for so much because it's you know i say for a woman it's it's nice to know that men experience this as well yeah in the sense that we're not alone in our gender like oh yeah you're a woman so people ask you that question yeah it's nice to know that men get asked it even as though it's not the nicest thing. I love that he loves his wife going out as well. I mean, as he should, obviously. But I do know like some of my friends' partners are like...

Dread it. They dread it or they're like reluctant for their partner to go out or they're like, oh, what am I going to feed the baby tonight? Stefan's really encouraging, I have to say. In fact, he's like, you should go out more. Chris is really encouraging. Chris loves it. I think he doesn't want to hang out with me. Yeah do get that impression sometimes but to be honest the feeling's mutual yeah I know Jacob yeah but I Chris is really encouraging Chris is always yeah Chris loves that I come up here and I see you and

we record this and we're here there and everywhere and he's he feels really fortunate to be in a position where he's at home at the moment to do stuff that not every and it's sad because not every dad will ever experience this yeah the only rare few will um and it's an opportunity that we'd never ever get again so chris was relishing in it it's so nice for the babies to have one-on-one time with their dad as well like stefan has quite a lot of joseph and i think it's so nice that like he will go to stefan he's comfortable to go to stefan for stuff i mean obviously if we're both there i'm still number one choice but if he's on his own with stefan that's absolutely fine because he's kind of used to it which is really nice it's helped our house to have a little bit more it's an equal split yes it's helped the house be equal so now the babies don't always ask me mom can you get me a drink

i'll be i'll be in the bath they'll be like can you get me a drink where's your dad he's in the kitchen yeah ask daddy then hello so now they just naturally yeah maybe ask for him more than me now yeah i'm not around they know that he can actually do stuff as well yeah he's always there whereas i'm here there and everywhere at the moment yeah but thank you darren yeah i love that love the daddy's coming in all scrotums are welcome darren really took our message on board so he did and he messaged in thank you we appreciate you darren thank you so we're gonna hit it off with number three all right this one says hi ladies i absolutely love you both and the fantastic stories that your wonderful listeners sending i have a funny secret that i've not told a soul after I had my first child 13 years ago, I treated myself to an indulgent hot stone massage.

Wow. Lovely. When I got there, I lay with my face down on the table, eagerly awaiting the massage to stop. But I can honestly say I don't remember any of the one-hour treatment because I fell asleep as soon as the lady started. I love it when that happens to you. Yeah.

Fast forward to the end of the massage, the lady kindly woke me up and informed me that we were finished she told me to take my time getting ready and to meet her in the lobby after a few seconds of adjusting my eyes back to reality i started to lift myself off the table but the most horrifically funny thing happened when i clambered up an aggressive gush of milk came out of both breasts i literally projectile sprayed breast milk everywhere. In my panic, I scrambled around for something to clean up the mess and all I could find was some small cotton pads. I stuffed some in my bra and quickly put my clothes back on.

I never cleaned up the rest of the milk because it was dark and I think the towels soaked up most of the milk. I then paid for the treatment and hastily exited the venue. Even though no one saw my mishap, I couldn't face returning to the scene of the milky crime. Love from Jo. Jo? Oh, Jo!

I just imagined those cotton, circle cotton pads just on the nipples. I was thinking like, you know how they have a hole for the face in the massage table? They should have two for the nips as well. Like a cow. Like a cow.

Like a cow getting milk out of its udders. And she would have been able to express the milk freely. She would have. Under the bench. Yeah, put a bucket underneath. Oh, crumbs. And collect the milk. What a bless her heart, though.

All I can envision is Katy Perry. You know when she's got that big sweetie brow and she's got the cream. Yeah. There's Jo like... Like a milk cannon just firing it everywhere that is iconic I can't believe you and she's not stayed anonymous no no come on Joe 13 years with those big old milky udders oh good for you god I think that's not offensive I think it could have happened in a worse place to be honest you must have just been so relaxed and yeah yeah just leaking right out yeah honestly i can't stop thinking of katie perry in that fucking sweetie video when she's

squirting all the cream out of her boobs yeah that's all i can think is joe i went for a massage when joseph must have been like a few months old and i had to mention to the masseuse i was like i'm breastfeeding at the moment and these rock hard knockers probably aren't gonna fit on the table so i did she did the massage me laying on my side to protect the old boo bays milk machines milky bags the others i didn't leak everywhere you didn't give us a Katy Perry on that. No. They can't let that go around. Oh, that's Miley Cyrus. Thank you for sharing your secrets this week. Everyone is welcome at the Secret Mum Club.

Yeah, if you'd like to share your secrets with us, you can. The email is hello at secretmumpod.com and we're secretmumpod on TikTok and Instagram. Have you projectile sprayed breast milk everywhere? Or do your cupboards dissolve sweets like tips? Let us know. There really is nothing too outrageous. And don't forget, we're back on Thursday with even more from the Correspondence Corner.

So we'll see you next time on the Secret Mum Club.