Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Miracle of Fu Fu-Crem

Episode Date: September 18, 2023

Having only just recovered from a sickness bug, Sophiena is back in the studio with a new lease on life and a secret that involves Dottie, Chris and old pizza. Emma’s brought in some more hilarious letters from you about almost being caught mid itchy legs, swearing children and a razor mix-up! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, this is The Secret Mum Club. I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. And this podcast is a safe space for mums everywhere. A safe space to share our secrets. Because we all have secrets, don't we? We do, and as we know, sharing is caring. You don't even have to tell us who you are. You can keep that to yourself, you can be anonymous.

And those secrets can be serious or silly. All secrets are welcome in the secret month club so tell me about your week i shit myself for a fucking week i have been a rough one hasn't it what the fuck happened to you i don't know was so bad. What with my bleeding bum hole. And I was like, oh, can't get any worse than this. Yes, it can. Was it worse? Sickness and diarrhea.

How would you like them apples? Oh, God. It started with sickness for like a day. And then formed into the, into the diarrhea, diarrhea. Don't come again. The old DMV. Don't come again. I thought it was DMV, but I thought, oh.

Diarrhoea and vomiting. I was thinking a deep vein thrombosis. DVT. I nearly said DV. And then I was like, it can't be DV because that's deep vein thrombosis. Yeah, DMV. It's DMV.

So what's the worst is when you have both at the same time. Did you have that or did they take it in turns? No, they took it in turns. Sickness went first and then diarrhoea came second. Yeah, V and D. It was absolutely horrific. Oh God. Well, to be fair, I couldn't actually keep anything down. I physically could not swallow

water. It just wouldn't go into my ash. That's when you know it's bad, when you can't even have water. And it was just like, my glands were just like, so it was just, it was just coming back out. Just wouldn't go down. And I was very, very anemic. I'm not going to lie. I was really, really poorly. Oh, it was really quite serious. Really quite serious quite serious yeah i had to go to the doctors and everything are you anemic normally no no so it comes it comes a bit as a shock i think it was because i was so severely hydrated dehydrated dehydrated yeah hydrated so hydrated i was just

oozing hydration the whole week out of my asshole. I was so fresh. Not inside my body. The hydration leaving my ass was astronomical. I don't know how much poo physically could have come out when I wasn't eating anything. You're not putting anything in, yeah. No, I wasn't putting anything in. I don't understand what was coming out. And at one point, I was literally like, you know when you need to poo and you're like,

oh, no energy. There was nothing coming out. I was like, there's no poo in here. I felt like I was in labor. You know, like when you have contractions, you know when you're like, I'm so fucking tired. Yeah, you're pushing, but nothing's happening. There's just nothing.

And your whole bum hole's just going and you're bit in between. And I just sat in the toilet at one point, like, what is my fucking life? But my claim to fame this week is that i made no one else sick yeah i know because you were saying obviously you didn't want to make colby and i shit myself because it's the week before we go back back to school yes you don't want to make the kids ill so did you put yourself into quarantine i did put myself into quarantine yep i stripped the beds

twice they went into bin bags which was a milly milly operation with chris's mask on his face to the washing machine to empty them out of the bag into the washing machine. He washed them all, chucked them back. Colby was cute enough to write me little notes under the door. They kept leaving me food. I couldn't eat it. It was the thought that counted and they loved the whole process.

I think they just loved that I just wasn't- Wasn't around. Yeah. They had sleepovers with dad. Chris was upstairs one night, then down in Dottie's room, then back upstairs. So you had the bed to yourself. Yeah, there was no way I was risking it.

I couldn't. Colby goes to school tomorrow. Yeah. Literally starts school tomorrow and there was no way in God's name I am not prepared to, I wasn't prepared to make a meal. Can you imagine being the child on the first day of a new school? You can't go to school and shit yourself. Yeah.

No. Or just not turn up. Yeah. Where's the new kid kid fucking got the shits yeah how embarrassing for him yeah no so no that was that was a horrendous time in all honesty were you a little bit sad because obviously it ruled you out for like basically the last week of the summer holidays which as we know you love i can't tell you how much i've cried it's's quite sad. I actually am, yeah. Are you a bit sad about it? I cried so much. I really, really did. That is a real bummer. At the end of the holidays, isn't it?

Yeah. To be ruled out of action. It broke my absolute heart. But saving grace is that my sister and my mum have been out with the babies. They've been to the beach. They've been to the park. Chris has taken them out. And they've had the best week of their life, if I'm honest with you.

And it is truly heartbreaking. And I can't think about it because it makes me too sad really yeah it does make me too sad and we're going to school tomorrow we're in school tomorrow i haven't finished labeling the uniform even though last week i told you that's what i was going to go home and do i couldn't because i shh too busy and i didn't want to touch his uniform yeah you don't touch anything. No. God, it's so hard, isn't it? So I had to text Chris like a military operation when I needed the toilet.

So I had to say to him, I'm going to the toilet now. Shut the front door, shut wherever the babies are. Then he came out with his mask on, wiped the floor, anti-bac till the handles, everything. God, it's like back to real pandemic days. Yeah, I was just not prepared to make a meal i was just not in that i just i just kept having nightmares and all these cold sweats about them not going back to school and the time that they should be going back to school and it truly yeah truly broke me are you back on like food and stuff now oh yeah yeah yeah fully recovered fully recovered i had 24 hours of my life ate everything and anything on sunday i do

quite like that when you when you're bouncing back from being ill you're just like well it is that risky thing though do i fart or am i gonna shit myself no i never trust a fart i did this morning on instagram it was a good one you shit yourself no no i didn't shit myself i trusted the fart on a live and it was great it was great i didn't shit myself well and then i had a coffee and i was like oh play with fire but i am slightly concerned because what comes with my diarrhea is constipation so you think i should have given a tmi on this shouldn't we yeah you know what to expect by now that's a poo chat that's a poo chat um so now you think you're going to be the opposite i know i think i'm going to be constipated so i

had a coffee i've been eating grapes trying to stay up on my fruits. So I stay nice and reg. Yeah. God, what a night, what a week. I know. But my sister texts me today. And I will say now categorically, I am no way mentally, physically prepared for tomorrow. Oh, it's going to be an emotional one.

I'm not okay. So only Colby's going back. Only Colby's going back. And then Dotsy's back Friday. So you've got another few days got dotsy for a few days yeah it might be quite nice to have her on her own as well because you can like if colby's at school you can i don't know i think at this point like i'd rather take colbs just a little bit more quieter and really a bit more chill yeah a little bit more chill yeah a little bit more um reserved yeah it's been a full on six weeks i've loved every second of it but you know when you're like wow yeah what the fuck just happened there it's been

an hour she's in a full day from no she's not she's got so she goes in friday which is her birthday oh yeah but she's only in for two hours in the afternoon and then she goes in full and then the next week she does four days so she does monday tuesday wednesday thursday two hours in the afternoon oh and then the friday is her one full day right and then and then it's the following week she's normal yes oh so you've still got a bit of time a bit of time with dots to yeah herring yeah but colby's not there's no there's no airs and graces for him he's straight back in yeah how are they feeling about it are they excited to be fair i actually he's little friend that he made on transition day the mum was stunning i literally i think we spoke about this didn't i she was

adorable i loved her so i took her number oh nice and then i was like oh maybe we can meet up in the holidays because the little boy that started school the same day as colby on the transition day it's a brand new school for him oh so they kind of naturally just went together anyway so i was like oh if I take her number, we can maybe arrange a play date. Yeah, nice. Saying that now in my head, that's weird. No.

A brand new mum. Can I take your number so we can meet in the holidays? I don't think that's weird at all. I'd never met her before in my life. I don't think that's weird at all. Oh, okay. That's how you make friends with people. And you've both got something in common.

Your children are both starting the same school. I don't think that's weird at all. Okay. That sounded weird. Like I didn't know who the woman was and i just asked for her number maybe she's at home going like this weirdo asked for my number at school i've never met before in my life now she wants to hang out with me but anywho we did we did meet up we met up yeah we are oh there you go then and the boys had a play date and now you're friends yeah and she's lush she's great so now the boys have had a little play date

so colby's very excited to go to school just to see his little friend that's nice so i was like if out of anything yeah he's got a little he's got something to look forward to so he might not be looking forward to the actual day of school but he's gonna have his little friend nice well he's probably really glad that you did that yeah he was really and he blessed his heart we were all very aware of colbs now and his little sensitive. And he just couldn't stop saying thank you. And he'd had like the best time. So I'm not okay. So for anybody whose babies have gone back, it'll be a week now that we've been here.

So I hope they went back great. I hope they had the best week. I hope they were strong, confident, powerful. I hope they had the best time, made friends. I think for me it's the oh i just want to talk about it because i feel like there's and we talk about this honestly don't we you're the mum that's just like i've loved you dearly for the six weeks but fuck off back to school whereas i get out my hair i just don't do too well with it and i can't explain

the feeling of what it is and it's not so much that they're not in the house it's the fact that i just leave them in a building yeah and i can't be in just in another room yeah so it's not so much i want to smother them and i need them with me it's just the thought of like i can't be there yeah that's what really really that's what triggers me and that's just what really bothers me like you don't know what they're up to i don't want him sat eating lunch on his own i know i know i know that is heartbreaking it's so they won't be though i know and also if anything major happens you just go there like so fucking annoying myself i hate myself for it and i know tomorrow i'm just gonna be the worst no i think that's i fucking hours. I think that's a really normal feeling.

I'm not gonna take my shoes off. Just gonna speed up the day. Just be ready to go. Anytime. Anytime. Oh, so no. I hope that they've had a good week back. Oh, I kind of, I think it's the diarrhea.

I don't think the diarrhea is helping. Yeah, it's making you, sickness is making you emotional. The sickness and diarrhea's made... Fucked me this week. So if you think this is how sad I am always, I am, but the diarrhea's made it worse. Yeah.

My burning bum hole is not making me... It's making me burn. All I am dreading is my walk to school tomorrow as well. Yeah. But when I walk to school, like, my chafing bum hole... Ah! The ring of fire in my ass hopefully you can hold your poo in for long enough i've been putting fufu cream on my bum have you fanny cream what's fanny cream i never use fanny pseudo creme we call it fufu creme

oh fufu creme we call it fufu creme i just whack that in my bum hole yeah nothing worse than a moist bum hole there's nothing pseudo creme can't fix, is there? No, but the feeling of a moist bum hole is gross. Yeah, try it. Just walk around the house tonight with a bit of Sudocrem in your bum hole. Try it. You can channel your inner Safina. Everyone try it.

Put a blob of Sudocrem up your bum hole. Don't have Sudocrem because your babies are too big. Go for anisole, round the anisole, not it that's how joseph lives his life with a pseudo creamed bum hole it's not a nice feeling disgusting might try it so i can relate please text me as well yeah but tell me how was your week oh do you know what on the contrary you've had a really nice week we did like very um like peak family activities this week so we went to a uh well first first thing that happened was one of my best friends got married stunning so that was lovely so me and stefan went to a wedding my mom and dad looked after joseph so it's really nice had a little baby free day um which was lovely so saw like all it was all my old

friends from uni and all the girls that i lived with and their partners and it was one of the first ones where everyone could make it so it was lovely everyone was there and yeah that was just really nice so that we kicked off with that and then we went to meet some of my other old friends and their babies at a model village oh do you love a miniature village as much as I do? Like the kitchen and the dress up and the vets? No, it was like a, you could don't like go in houses. You know, it's not like role play.

It's like just everything but on a miniature scale. It's a miniature village and they have like a miniature railway that you can go on and it goes all around. They do that in Legoland, don't they? And they have the Lego village. Yeah, like that. It was very random. It was just this random place in,

I don't even know where it was. We drove for like an hour and a half to be there because we all live at different points across the country. So we were like, let's just meet at this midpoint. I think it was in like Buckinghamshire or something. But anyway, I was like saying- Sorry, we can't give you a shout out. Emma's completely forgotten.

Oh, and the place was called Beck and Scott. Oh. Beck and Scott, yeah. Oh, there we go. Yeah, open for free tickets if you want me to come back. shout out emma's completely oh the place was called beck and scott oh beck and scott oh there we go yeah um open for free tickets if you want me to come back um i was saying to stefan like this is when you know you're at like middle age because we went to this miniature village with our friends with their children we had like a packed lunch we sat in the sunshine was it a rucksack packed lunch yeah love that i've even got cool bag now because i'm that mum i'm that bitch we should bring out brand brand yeah we

should honestly you need one when you're a mum i know i don't know what i'd do without it best thing in the world it really is yeah uh so did that um which was really nice and just i feel like normally like when you used to go out be like'd be like, find a pub, have a pint. Like, there wouldn't be a social occasion that passed without an alcoholic drink. Of course. Now I'm like, God, we're all happy to go and, like, sit in a tea garden, have a cup of tea and a sandwich. A little bit of afternoon tea. A little bit of afternoon tea.

Look at the miniature village. Go on the model railway and go home and everyone's had a lovely day. Do you know how the feeling, how happy it is when you can go out, even though you've maybe spent money on fuel to get to somewhere. But if you go to like a free nature park. Yeah. National Trust. National Trust. Something like that.

When you go with your own packed lunch, you sit and eat your own soggy sandwich. Yeah. Your packet of crisps and you go home and you go, I fucking didn't spend a penny. What a great day out. What a great. I mean, we did have to pay to get in to but joseph didn't because he's under two three i know i was saying to stefan we need to get him into all these attractions before he's two yeah because honestly him going free places just brings so much joy yeah it's amazing and then the next day

as if that couldn't be topped we went to meet hey dougie oh what i did in real life oh joseph was i thought i i thought he'd be buzzing he was not i feel like joseph channeled his inner safina he was not happy no no i have a fear of them as soon as i saw your instagram and i was like why are you so close to dougie move the away from dougie who's no i don't know who's in there life-size models of things are weird aren aren't they? Like, there's a grown man probably inside. Fully grown man. The massive doggie. Hiding in a children's character outfit.

I know. Try and fathom that in your head. And then, like, the whole... Like, you know, when you can go and see, like, a... Not the real Santa. A Father Christmas. Yeah. You can go and see his helpers and you sit in his lap.

It is kind of weird. I don't think you sit on his lap anymore. I don't think you can do that fucking regulations but it is it is when but like the thing when your mum just used to go oh go sit in his lap yeah take a picture when you say it like that it is weird and i feel like joseph knew he picked up on that vibe because he was not happy to stand next to dougie and i don't blame him to be honest he sensed it like a dog he did yeah yeah he was a bit overwhelmed he's really funny when we go to like because there was a lot of people there it was at a cinema in leicester square it was really cool but it was the same one i went to with the babies oh really watch la la crocodile and you go up the stairs yeah you go

upstairs and the the event was great like we got um it was like exclusive screening of new dougie episodes which thank fuck there's new ones out because i must have seen the old ones about And the event was great. Like we got, it was like exclusive screening of new Dougie episodes. Love that. Which thank fuck there's new ones out because I must have seen the old ones about 300,000 times. So he loved that bit. And at the end he was like,

more, more Dougie, more Dougie. But the whole event and like the life-size Dougie and it was like loud music and there were lots of other people there. He's funny when we turn up at things like that. Like he's not one of those kids that like throws himself straight in. He's shy. He'll like, wants me to carry him all the time like hide behind

my legs be like mommy mommy like becomes very needy which my mom is always like i think it's good that he's cagey because he's like yeah that was colby to really an absolute i don't want him to be like really shy though i want him to be comfortable in like social situations i think they if it's anything like colby grows into it yeah to be very confident like colby is very confident but also is very very wary yeah whereas dotty doesn't think about anything she just throws herself into it yeah whereas colby sometimes maybe overthinks it but it's very clever with his thought process but colby was the same like would get really overwhelmed cry yeah scream like i'm not doing it be picked up i used to have

to carry i can never take him to a baby class like a baby sensory music class because he'd scream the whole time yeah what with all the noise and all the other people and he'd be like what the fuck are we doing yeah yeah yeah it's funny like he just wants to be yeah same wants to be picked up all the time but once he's warmed up to the situation then he that you can't stop him then he's all right yeah then he doesn't want to leave but yeah just a bit cagey a bit overwhelmed I think that's quite good I think that's typical of a first child

it probably has been smothered by us as well to be honest I'd smother you with a pillow okay with love but I'm hoping because you insist on being carried all the time I don't need to go to the gym anymore because my guns are getting a workout.

It's slightly what I'm concerned with, the fact that I don't have to carry a human every morning. I'm like, whoa, that was a bingo. Yeah, losing some tone. Yeah. It is bad boys. And it's just, wow. Whoa, mine are big though.

Yeah. But I just got baggy. But then I have lost loads of, I did lose loads of weight at one point. Did you? Slowly coming back on though, but you know, life's for living, I did lose loads of weight at one point. Did you? Slowly coming back on though, but you know, life's for living, I say.

YOLO. YOLO. Do let us know, please, awfully, what you are up to. So polite. We want you to join us in the Secret Mum Club.

You're all welcome. You can share your secrets with us, respond to what we've been talking about or just say, Hello. You can find us on TikTok and Instagram. Just search or just say hello you can find us on tiktok and instagram just search secret mum pod or you can email us it's hello at secret mum pod.com we've got two letters in correspondence corner this week i love that we're going ahead with

calling it that correspondence corner yeah i really love it this one says hi soph and emma single mum here i just listened to you telling us about dotty calling a passerby a dickhead remember that one yeah i have this i don't not like it's only a one-off occasion it happens on the reg also passerby makes it sound like she just assaulted someone in the street she probably she does honestly do you know who i am vicky but it was but it was in the car you were being harassed it was even warranted in my opinion uh she says i haven't stopped laughing and then i remembered when i first moved into my house my then three-year-old was playing outside in his new garden and another child was crying loudly he then shouted to me from from the garden saying i nearly took a sip of water and the laugh and your tone i can't

oh he then shouted to me from the garden saying mommy that crying is pissing me right off i wish they'd shut the fuck up i let's just say what everyone else is thinking honestly i mean get it out yeah don't hold back she says i honestly was mortified but then as a very sweary mom myself was secretly proud he used them in the right context yes that's a perfect sentence to be perfect that crying is pissing me right off i wish to shut the up yes he hasn't sworn since and is now five i guess swear words to him are just mummy's language lol love listening to you guys so relatable and real love you both keeping single mothering real over here vicky oh vicky i love that so much you're doing a smashing job what an awesome little dude what a way to use them words though. I know.

There's something so funny about when children swear. I know they're not supposed to. I'm not going to lie, but it does make my heart so fucking happy. I don't know what it is. It's just something. And do you know what? I talk about it a lot on my Instagram and have done for the last two years of being on social media that we have the most rudest neighbor.

And I will give someone a lot of my time and I am fucking polite let me tell you i love my neighbors and i'm a jolly polite person this man has multiple times rubbed me up the wrong way to which i'm not as forthcoming as you may think i am but it's funny now that the children have just taken it taken it into their own hands so now they come in and they're like oh the fucking dickhead's in the garden again and they just so that he could hear them yeah so they'd say it loud enough but they come inside now because when he's in the garden he's rustling around he'll be muttering under his voice like fucking kid okay he does this in the garden which now there's a fence up i the children now take it into their own hands to to just tell him and they come indoors

and they fucking and i say to him why are you indoors it's a lovely day they're like twatty bollocks is outside pissing us off so now i say embrace it all right the last email says hi ladies my sons are older now but listening to you reminds me of how far i've come as a parent my husband and i were listening to the last podcast and he reminded me of our awkward itchy leg story. So I thought I'd share. We haven't had any itchy legs in a while. No, we love an itchy leg story. It says, we were on our summer holidays in France

in a small static caravan. Our young son was in bed and fast asleep and we took the opportunity to reconnect again. Brave, brave. Which led to some holiday itchy legs. Imagine our surprise when mid itchy legs, we hear the pitter patter of little feet across the caravan floor. We froze in position and this little voice shouted,

mummy, I can feel the caravan shaking. It woke me up. While I sniggered under the sheets, my husband shouted, no, don't be silly. It's probably just an earthquake. Get back to bed. In the morning, our little boy relived his earthquake adventure to everyone he met

throughout the day and then again to everyone he saw once we got home. Oh no, fast forward 10 years, we're at my parents' house and whilst reminiscing about holidays, our now 15 year old told everyone how he had survived an earthquake on holiday in France. This got out of hand. My husband nearly choked on his Yorkshire pudding

as my mum was busy saying, earthquakes in France must be rare. Not quite sure if or when we will ever tell him the truth. Much love, Nicola. Oh, Nicola. I couldn't have said earthquake because the children are so scared of an earthquake. They'd be like, no!

You'd have to tell them the truth. You'd have no choice. Well, I couldn't just say, oh, me and dad were- Itchy legs? No, I don't know what I'd, Chris would probably be like, I have the caravan, the rocket. Don't come knocking.

Oh my gosh. Oh my goodness. They must have really been going for him. But the fact that he's 15 now. He's 15 and they've let it get this far. You can never tell him. You can never tell him. My eldest niece is like 14.

So to like her to think that there's... I don't think she'd believe me now. He's believed it for so long now. Bless his imagination though. God love him. I know. That is phenomenal. What an absolute story.

Genius comeback from your husband. Yeah. I don't know if that's genius or actually quite terrifying. If he told me it was an avocate, I would have been jumping in that bed with them. She said, oh, wait. Yeah, I'm kidding. If somebody was in the caravan and it was all going on,

earthquake, I'd have gotten in bed with them. I love his first thought to reassure him was, don't worry, son. It's probably just an earthquake. Nothing to worry about. I think so much about earthquakes. I guess it was a long time ago now, wasn't it? But definitely if you are going to tell him, I'd say don't do it now.

Because 15 is going to be... It's quite traumatic age. I would say you're now at point 18. Yeah. Either don't tell him or wait until he's like older. Or... Because if my parents told me that at 15, would i'd be died yeah die what were you doing imagine your mom and dad telling you that now remember that time and start at caravan well i

know they had sex at least three times well three children i was gonna say mine's three times but it's not as two they've got two for the price of one didn't they yeah only ever done it twice anywho get in touch with us about anything yeah it can be serious or silly you can be totally anonymous because between us we've probably heard it all before and remember we're all in this together and we know that we are we're all stars and we see that i feel like we're getting better at that each week we'll be sharing our secrets and yours in the secret mum club so we were just chuckling away as to my secret of the week and i'm laughing because i know my secret of this week but you have absolutely no idea and i bet you're thinking safina secret of the week you've been shitting yourself all week yeah so we've obviously had not much translation this week so dotty the other day because chris has been superman honestly take my hat off to him he's been doing the washing bathing the babies feeding them food shops he's done that sounds like my normal life

it's my normal life but chris took on to chris took on the hat and i'm not gonna not gonna lie totally proud of him good so obviously while the babies are bathed and waiting for bedtime stories and so forth which normally i do while chris is in the bath and then chris does while i'm in the bath so forth so chris was in the bath do while chris is in the bath and then chris does while i'm in the bath so forth so chris was in the bath so i just had this again this almighty scream and come to the door and she opened the door dotty obviously main main character of this show she opened the door she was like i know i can't come in but i have something i need to tell you bear in mind chris is hyperventilating in the bath and i was like what is something happened

to daddy like i got up in my shit bed state got up like walking over you know that when you've pooed so much you can't actually stand yeah like hunched over i like walked over to the door and she was like don't come any closer you're sick and then chris was like what's wrong with chris it's swallowed a sponge in the bath or something chris was laughing so hard that he was hyperventilating in the bath so she goes don't come any closer you're sick i was like okay i just need you to tell me daddy's okay and she was like daddy is fine he's like wait till you fucking hear this i've got a fucking complex i was like oh god here we go he's in the bath naked she come in she goes do you know what dad's dick is like an old pizza dick and i went i beg

your pardon she was like well you know if you like had a piece of pizza and you put it in a car for a couple of years and it like shriveled up and went on mankin old well that's what dad's dick looks like in the bath and I went what and she was like yeah that's all I wanted to tell you is that his dick just looks like an old piece of pizza dick what the hell to which I phoned my mum and told my mum because I had no one

else to talk to and the fact that Chris was hyperventilating in the bath and he he come to the bedroom door and he was like i've never had a complex about my willy in my whole entire life until this very moment i was like pizza dick get out of the bedroom i don't want you in here take your pizza forever to be known as a pizza dick old it was the fact that it was oh wow the dick she really went in on like she went old and it was left in a hot car for a couple of years like wow i just don't know where it came from and i was just like what does she mean no like because it was obviously in the bath and the water makes you i don't know i don't know this is too much information for me about chris's penis sorry now you're just envisioning this old pizza dick

and i was thinking what has he got a spot on his willy like i don't know what i haven't seen it for a week pepperoni or what cheese crust no of all things you're gonna refer to your daddy's willy as not a pizza slice. Oh, God. I just was like, I haven't seen it in a week. What's happened? Wow. I don't really know.

What's happened to me? I haven't seen it for a week. Well, normally you do the normal thing of getting out of the bathroom. Yeah, you see each other naked. Sure, sure. Or, you know, you pop into the bathroom. Oh, my God. It was just the fact that chris just can't live it

down better put my pants on before i get me on wow imagine being trolled by your five-year-old daughter about the state of your penis that is a low that's a real low god bless his heart so that piece of dick i also just it's making me lol that she just uses the word dick like it's either willy or that's what i said to you it's like the way it is like so aggressive willies are aggressive when they stare at you with their one eye they're very aggressive very aggressive they're very aggressive very very aggressive oh my god that's so funny my friend actually told me a genital story this week her little boy is like two and a half and he was climbing into bed with her. So he came in from like the bottom of the quilt

and crawled up into bed. And I think she didn't have any knickers on in bed. So her little boy said to her, Mummy, have you got a willy like he has? And she said, no, I haven't got a willy like you. And he wafted the quilt and looked under and said, no, you've got a furry bottom. Furry bottom. Furry bottom. Like... you and he wafted the quilt and looked under and said no you've got a fairy bottom fairy bottom like that's when you know you need to go and get a wax no it's as bad as dot c senate it's as hairy

as that's willy and you're like oh fuck let that grow out a bit long now he looks like an old pizza dick i've got to stay up on me bush oh chris don't worry about him he's absolutely traumatized for life and i was like well i have you know i've wanted to say something but you know eight years i didn't know when the time was right just get your daughter now just get my five-year-old to tell you they've got a really ugly dick i know your mum knows about it i just i just really love winding him up about it or it's the fact that now every time he gets out of the bath he's like better put my boxes on because my old man no one wants to see that piece of dick

i just found that's a great story for her birthday as well that's my secret so next we'll be hearing some of yours on the secret mom club this is the secret mum club the safe space for you to share your secrets so we've got three secrets from you we're going to be discussing this week and emma's going to hit us off with the number one hi safina and emma my youngest son is three years old and was diagnosed with a rare kidney and bladder condition at birth he now has a catheter in situ as he can't pee like everyone else. His two brothers are none the wiser and don't view him any differently. But I'm so scared as he's starting school in September next year and will still be in nappies.

What can I do to make this easier for him so he doesn't feel different amongst the other kids? Thanks, Ellie. Aww. Bless. That is absolutely adorable. See, I'm going to be really honest with you. And this is not, you know, I don't even know if I'm allowed to say it,

but I noticed some children with nappies on when Dotsie went to UR. Oh, did you? And there was parents that said she's got a bag because she's got nappies or he's got a bag because he's got nappies. So I don't think you really have to. You don't have to worry about it. I really don't. And if I'm honest, coming from somebody who has a four-year-old

who's just about nearly five, just about to start school, it's really not something they're phased about. It's not something they're worried about. Dottie makes no reference at preschool about children that have nappies on. And I think sometimes as a parent, we can over complicate the situation yeah and because it's something that bothers us um we can sometimes project that onto the babies yeah so i think if you can be blasé about it and not feel like i know you're gonna feel shit like you and me know we can sit here now as parents and say you're gonna feel shit i'm gonna feel shit tomorrow

when the babies go to school yeah but i think if you can just go in and just sit here now as parents and say, you're going to feel shit. I'm going to feel shit tomorrow when the babies go to school. But I think if you can just go in and just willy nilly and don't make a big deal about it, I think you'll be really, really surprised. Yeah. I think you'll be, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. Yeah, I think kids that young maybe don't think about stuff that much. And I just said, you know, obviously I heard the mums and dads saying, oh, she's got a bag with a nappy in it.

And it made me feel sad because I was like, don don't like don't be embarrassed like without being you know I don't want to be horrible Colby wets himself a lot he'll laugh so hard at least once a day to the point he wets himself because he's laughing so hard and he's seven to me that's completely normal like I wet myself I'm 35 you wet yourself I still normal. Like, I wet myself. I'm 35. You wet yourself. I still do. But I used to wet myself a lot when I was little. Like, I probably should have stayed in nappies for longer than I did. I don't know, like, what was wrong with...

I just used to wee all the time. But I remember going... Being in reception and asking for help to go to the toilet from the teacher. Because we said before, like, we were very young because we're summer babies. We were really young when we started reception. So I still needed help with stuff like that and and it was fine like I think if you've got a nice school and understanding teacher and they know the situation then I think you'll be fine I think I bless his heart as well it's not out of choice of his it's his condition

which I think but I also do think it's something that is there's a lady on TikTok I don't actually know her handle now I have to look at that but she basically does books on children that have different diagnostics and like children that have like a feeding tube and stuff like that yeah but I I've always bought them for the children not necessarily from that lady but I've always bought them and like if we're out and about and we see somebody with one leg or one arm I'm always really honest with the children that you know some of us just don't have yeah two arms and two legs and people look different some people look different and my mum's disabled and she walks very differently and I think being the fact that Colby was brought up around that he's very aware that not everybody walks straight or not everybody has all arms and

all legs yeah he's very so so I feel like it is something that is worth talking about. Yeah. And if you're honest and open at home and he's confident, I don't think you've got anything to worry about. I think he's going to smash it. Once he's classmates, they get used to each other and they're friends. It'll be something that they don't even think about. And his two big brothers are at school as well.

I think they're older. Yeah, I think she said they're older. They'll be there to support him unless they're obviously moved on to to a bigger school but i honestly don't think you're and being baby number three as well he's a tough cookie yeah he's gonna be tough because he's got his big brothers third children and the best you know oh that's that's you got a good just got two to go that's me oh you're the third i'm the third i'm saying about me and i'm the third yes we got there in the end but I think you're doing

a smashing job and what an incredible little boy and as much as it's hard for you try not to stress yeah

and just have faith in the little human that you've raised who's just gonna smash it kids are amazingly adaptable as well amazingly adaptable I think he'll surprise you

how he gets on I think so too let us know how it goes yeah please do keep us please do keep us informed on how he gets on. I think so too. Let us know how it goes. Yeah, please do keep us, please do keep us informed on how he does. Thanks Ellie. Because I'd love to know.

So should we have secret number two? All right, this one says, hi girls, really enjoying your podcast. It's been an emotional rollercoaster. I would love your advice. My little one is two and a half

and uses a dummy. It started out just at sleep time, but as time went on, he asked for it more during the day and getting it back after nap time can be difficult. I don't regret having it as it's definitely helped him sleep better. And if he wakes during the night now, it helps him go back to sleep himself. The alternative is we get less sleep, which feels an impossibility, especially now that I'm working. The problem is his primary care at nursery mentions the dummy literally every

time I see her and it's driving me crazy. I know he needs to give it up soon soon but I feel it's adding pressure and there never seems to be a good time to do it not sure what to do what would you guys do thanks anonymous oh this is literally describing my exact situation I mean I yeah I totally know where you're coming from like we first of all we were like we're not going to use a dummy foolish within like two weeks. I don't want any drugs in labor. What a twat. Yeah, exactly. Be careful what you commit to.

Yeah. Because careful what you say. Like when we started using one, we were like, Oh my God, why didn't we do this sooner? It's making our lives so much easier. And then I read loads about if you don't want them to have the dummy for ages,

get them off it early or basically wait until they're like three yeah and you can make up a story about where the dummy's gone so now joseph's 19 months old i'm like he's not going to understand you just take it away but he's also too young to understand a story about where the dummy's gone yes so we're in the exact same situation night times used to be a nightmare because we were doing the dummy run multiple times now that he's old enough similar age like two and a half yeah 19 months so like yeah six months between them he can find the dummy himself in the night which is an amazing help because he sleeps better we put a few dummies in his cot he can always put it back in he sleeps better we get better sleep brilliant but it is really hard to confine it to nap time because they find it such a comfort that they want it all the time

we've actually got a little bit better at not letting him have it during the day but sometimes if he wakes up from a nap he's a bit grisly he wants comfort he's still tired yeah we'll let him keep it in what does also help is he has a comforter so sometimes you can kind of bargain him off the dummy by letting him have his teddy. So he comes down from a nap, sometimes you don't let him have the dummy, but he has the teddy. And then with nursery, actually we found nursery was the easiest place to give it up because he was so distracted by playing with all the other children, he never even thought about it.

And actually nursery was sending pictures of him through playing, but having the dummy in on a dummy clip. And I actually said to them, I don't think he needs it at this time actually unless he's upset or he's sleeping can you try not to give it to him and they were brilliant they implemented that straight away and now we pack a dummy in his nursery bag and I'd say it rarely gets used because they know not to really give it to him yeah and so you might find that that's easier where your child's in a different setting they're not associating that with having the dummy you could ask nursery to to support you in that yeah try and take that away yeah i don't feel like it's fair that they're putting the pressure on you to just constantly keep telling

you about it they should be maybe putting structural bits in place to say right we're going to make the decision to take the dummy away yeah or just say if that's something you want to do we'll support you i mean they shouldn't be telling you when you should do it no sorry yeah they shouldn't be telling you as to what you should be doing but if you want to putting like a procedure in place to be like do you want us to support you in taking the dummy away so i was really lucky both of mine started preschool at two and a half dodo stopped not having a preschool yeah um which then in turn meant we could drive home with no dummy yeah and then

it wasn't till like the afternoon where they'd get tired at like four o'clock ish that we would have dinner then bath times with no dummy so just used to fill up the time with not having the dummy yeah colby was obsessed with the dummy dots he dropped it dots dropped herself didn't want it no more really yeah she was like no i'm not having i am at the point now where i'm like i can't see us being able to get rid of it, especially for sleep. My mum cut mine. Yeah, they do say you can do that

so that they don't get the same comfort from it. It doesn't suck. You can't suck it. It is really hard. And I feel like there's a lot of pressure from people being like, oh, if they have it past two, that's really bad. Or if they have it past a certain age,

that's going to be really bad. Everything's bad. If it helps you, then great. I don't see us getting rid of it at night time yet because it helps us and i think you do whatever you've got to do to get through colby had his sleeping up until he was probably three really yeah and then we obviously were going maybe three and a half because it was his duration of preschool so yeah i'd say it was probably about three that he got rid of the dummy yeah we say tut our dummy as well so we say like try and say like bye-bye to things that we're not going to see until later

so if we want him to leave it at home or leave it upstairs or take it out after a nap or whatever also i used to find as well is when they were napping i used to take colby's out so they don't get used to having it so that's another good trick really good some people say just go cold turkey but i honestly don't know cold turkey's really hard that and that's like uh the when-soothing, when they try to go sleep on the bed and they're just screaming. He wouldn't understand. He would just scream. I used to just let them go to sleep with the dummy in if I'd rocked them to sleep. Or it's big, Bubba's big now.

So if they've fallen asleep in the cot or on the sofa, you just used to take the dodo's out. And then if they would come back, like wake up or come round and it wasn't the end of nap, I just used to pat their bum if they're on on the sofa in the bed yeah and it's just changing your techniques and yeah you'll find your way and every day it's not going to be perfect but some days might be better than than others yeah it's really hard yeah but you don't worry there is a lot of pressure on it and just be like go back to them and just be like is there no support that you can show me yeah because they must have done this with other children as well i feel like they might don't and don't bring it up every single day yeah you've probably i would like to

say most children people that look after children have had children before or in the premises somebody else working there has had a baby so you would think that you'd just be like oh no let's put some things in let's talk to the mum and see if there's anything we can do to help you support her yeah but i feel like your little one's old enough to understand um like an explanation about oh no, let's put some things in, let's talk to the mum and see if there's anything we can do to support her. But I feel like your little one's old enough to understand an explanation about getting rid of it. So maybe try and have a chat to them and then just distraction is key. And also something else that's really good to come

is that we also sent Dotties with Santa. And that's only in a couple of months time, which will be really nice for you to send them off with Santa and Santa takes them away because you're a big girl now. Yeah try it so with that being said we're going to roll into our last secret of the day all right this one says hello me you two beautiful ladies it's the highlight of my week listening to you on my own guffawing to your hilarious banter thank you

my secret is this i have two razors in our one and only bathroom. One clearly suckered to the tiled wall and one cleverly hidden in a small storage container on the side with other bath and shower paraphernalia on top.

Language in this email is fantastic. This is very phenomenal. It says, I have my routine hot bubble bath after my husband and son had left for the day

to spend the next 24 hours at the old's, aka the grandparents. After the usual ablutions and shaving the legs and pits yeah wow shaving the legs and pits with my wall razor i reached for the more personal bright pink razor but it was not there i had a good search around but it was nowhere to be seen a couple of days later my 15 year old son commented how he how he trimmed his chin hairs. I thought nothing of it and figured he'd used his dad's shaver. However, I found my bright pink razor in the top tier of the shower caddy a couple of days later with a few hairs attached

that were definitely not mine. Now, do I tell my son he's probably had my foo-foo crumbs... Do I tell my son he's probably had my foo-foo crumbs around his chops whilst using my razor? Or just forget the whole situation and only bring it up in his wedding speech? Definitely do that. Do the wedding speech. Do the wedding speech. The absolute beauty of words and terminology in this. I know. To then just go to, use Safina's word, foo-foo grubs.

Foo-foo grubs. And then it says, love you, Sarah. Well, Sarah. Sarah, that is absolutely. That was a brilliantly written email. Stunning. I would save it to the wedding day. Save it for the wedding speech.

Save it for the wedding. That's gold. That is absolute gold. He is going to be mortified when he realises he realizes he's used your fufu razor on his face fuck the fufu razor i love that you have a dedicated fufu razor oh yeah do you have that i do have a fufu yeah because i don't want to make it too blunt like my leg hairs are honestly i'm like a brillo pad fuck me you could when dotsy like strokes my legs she's like oh it's rough so it's sandpaper honestly it's

bad so i do have one for my legs and i just have one for all awful one on one for all i don't want to fucking take off my fufu no i'd have to use a special razor for me fufu but it was the fact that i went to use my razor the other day and a bit like your son chris went to ibiza didn't he and use i was thinking why have you shaved his armpits like shaved his armpit hair and i was like how he's done that and he's cut him like he was near on bold and his armpits i was for ages was thinking fucking hell how did he do that like he was away for four days obviously then went to use my razor because i'm not really i'm not a razor every day and if i'm home and it's the holidays i'll go a couple of weeks um yeah grow a little bit of a bush out. It wasn't until I looked at my razor and I was like, whose pubes are these?

Oh. And he'd used my razor for his armpit hairs. Oh, no. His armpit pubes. Why is he doing his armpits? And the fact that, to go to Ibiza

so he doesn't sweat on holiday. The fact that I asked him when he come back, did you use my razor? And he went, no. Well, how are you that bald? I'm a liar. And he went, oh yeah,

I think I did. I think I, well, no one else has got pubes like us in this house. you and me the children one are blonde and two don't have no pubes crumbs but now that is an iconic story that is embarrassing for him isn't it do you know how many people message me now when i do a video washing my face of how many people say just reminds me of dotsy's fo Foo Foo Crumbs. I love that that's become a thing. It is a thing.

Foo Foo Crumbs around his chops is probably one of my favourite phrases we've ever had in an email. Known to mankind. I absolutely love it. Yeah, thanks, Sarah. But another crack in loads of secrets this week. Oh, amazing. Everyone is welcome in the Secret Mum Club.

Yeah, if you want to share your secrets with us, you can. You can email us hello at secretmumpod.com or we're secretmumpod on TikTok and Instagram. So if you've had a Foo Fee Crumb-related incident like Sarah. Or if your little one surprised you with their knowledge of swear words.

We want you to get in touch. And if you know anyone with a hilarious story to share, tell them about the podcast. We'll be back on Friday with our next bonus episode. Amazing, and I can't wait. And we'll see you all on Friday in the Secret Mum Club.