Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Muff Guff

Episode Date: September 17, 2024

Soph’s been trying to get back into the swing of things with the school routine in full force, while Emma is blown away by the wonders of modern postal technology. The ladies also learn a new term for a queef, and Sophiena spills her secret about a car park encounter. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello this is the secret mom club i'm safina and i'm emma and this podcast is a safe space for mums everywhere a safe space to share our secrets because we all have secrets don't we we do and as we know sharing is caring you can keep them totally anonymous no that's your line you don't even have to tell us oh you don't even have to tell us who you are. Oh, you don't even have to tell us who you are. We're so close. You don't have to tell us who you are. You can keep that to yourself. You can be anonymous. And all those questions, no, all those secrets can be serious or silly.

All secrets are welcome in the Secret Mum Club. That was rubbish. We were trying to do it without looking at the lines. Yeah, I can't do it. And we still can't do it. You can do it great. Episode 74. But this is series two. So it's actually like a hundred and something. 74. No, I't do it. You can do it. Great. Episode 74. But this is series two. So it's actually like a hundred and something.

74. No, I'm doing it. It's over a hundred. Oh, we still can't do it. Still can't fucking do it. Just stick to the script. How's your week been? Do me first?

Yeah. Or do you if you do me. It's been good. I feel like I do just need to mention something. What? I'm here without my baby today oh my god for fuck's sake i thought you were gonna tell me something really serious mine's here though renly's here you can hear him giggling his head off he is he's holding up the fort for sadie today he is so she's not

here and if you are watching any of this on video i've had a slight nipple she did just ask if friendly would like some boob milk so i'm without my baby today and I forgot my breast pump. God love you. I'm wearing for a long day today. So I've had a tiny, tiny little leak on my t-shirt. And I did ask whether Renly

would be kind enough to suck me dry. Do you want me to suck your boobs? But you said you don't think you'd take it. I don't think you'll suck your boobie. No. No?

No. You could try it. I mean, milk's milk, I say. I did say, do you want to manually compress it in i will if it gets bad i'll probably have to hand express in the toilet which is like the least glamorous thing i think you can do when you find yourself just sometimes in the dead of night bent over a sink squeezing your boob do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and you're

like yeah just it's just me and you, it's just me and you, Mira. It's just me and you as we caress my tit. I feel like I should be like. I know. You feel like it should be sexy, but it's really not. It's not. And I find it more painful with your hands. Yeah.

And it's hard to get something out. It's really fucking hard. The pump does a good job of sucking it out. It does. It does it all the way the pump does great at um sucks it from all all angles whereas when you're massaging it's also we have spoken about it before it also does really fascinate me that it does milk just doesn't come out of one hole there's loads of little holes somebody wrote in before again i always think about this now when i'm feeding 18 up to 18 holes, isn't it, that it comes out of? I have loads.

When I squeeze mine in the shower, though, it only ever comes out of like two max. Oh, I have loads. My left one had more and my right one had less. But I have got a little spot on my nipple at the moment. I wonder if it's like a blocked duct. You haven't still got milk in there, though. It's been ages. Do you know what?

I actually watched something the other day that a lady bought back her boob milk five months later oh how don't know she pumped every two hours solidly for two weeks and her milk came back wow i didn't know you could do that once it was gone it was gone that's what i thought i guess no i don't know it's always really sad when you know it's going to be your last one because Because it's so like final. You're like, this is never going to come back. And especially me now. I'm not going to have another baby. So Sadie's last feed will be the last feed.

You can't say that. The last supper. I said that about Dottie. Well, yeah. Then we got little runners. I know. But I kept doing it with Joseph. I was like, I'm going to stop feeding him now. And then I kept saying to Stefan, like, oh, should I just do like one?

And Stefan would be like, no, if you're going to stop, you've got to stop. You've got to make the decision. And I'd be like, oh, shall I just do? One more. One more. One more. Just one more for good measure. One more won't hurt.

One for the road. One for the memory box. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. We also mentioned that this has, this leakage has happened on a new t-shirt. Very rare state of affairs that I've bought myself. You treated yourself to nutrients a couple of weeks ago,

which you are modeling today. Yep. And you've also bought yourself a top from ASOS. Bought myself a top from ASOS. I did have a nightmare with ASOS with my first delivery. This is why I don't shop online. Bought a load of stuff that didn't fit me, right? Yes.

It's like extra small, but it turned up and it was mahoosive. So I sent it. Wish I had that problem. I sent it. No, it was like a weird sizing though. Like it was like and it was massive so i said i wish i had that problem i said it no it was like a weird sizing though like it was like the style was oversized it's loads of different brands though isn't it it's not just one brand yeah so everybody's all the sizing is different right so this is why i want to try stuff on in person so i had to send all that stuff back we were just talking about the asos return system you put it in them little lockers it blew my

fucking mind is it like a drop what's the brand i don't know what the brand they're all different ones i think i did an inpost no my own parcel to go but you literally turn up yeah right you don't need to print any labels or anything i was like this is a scam you have to put your code in the machine the locker pops open you put it in put it in shut the door close the door and then you leave and then they emailed i scanned a qr code that was your refund has been received then they emailed me saying your clothes are on their way back and your refund is sorry yeah that's refund is being processed i thought what is this witchcraft next to it i order stuff online from next i take it back to the shop with

no packaging no return slip she just scans it and puts it back on my card i don't understand where's the what where's the receipt yeah do you not need all my details what the hell and they don't ask for you to sign anything fill out your address nothing technology is mad wild isn't it it's blowing we're too old for this now we're too old for this shit i don't understand it anymore i thought i used to go oh i don't want to buy stuff online because i don't have to queue up at the post office and send it back it's a faff no no you don't have to do that no more that's gone you just put it in a drawer and bam that's been a really long time since that has it yeah i don't really buy stuff i used to you know what i used to love when i was little growing up we had a we had a designated post

office and the man in the shop mr spencer he owned the he owned the post office in the little sweet shop literally that was my whole childhood not there anymore no it's sad isn't it he's not here bless his heart no more is that jobs does that job still exist no the post office is gone oh it's sad yeah i mean it's good like technology is uh clever but also it's ruining people's livelihoods anyway it is that's a different a different debate for a different day it's the debate every day of my life i always go to the shop and i say to the children look for look for somebody on the till so that we can keep them in their job. I love a bit of convo, me. You do.

Can you tell? Yeah, I imagine you make conversation with the cashier. Yeah. Do you? Yes, I do. No, I'm a self-service girl. I do actually, not to blame my own trumpet, have a few little selfies. Do you?

Yeah, I do. They always ask. Get them in the video. They say, oh, no, they ask me. And they say, oh, can I get a selfie with you? Because I follow you. Oh. I know.

That's really nice. Yeah, no, I like to be anonymous and not speak to anyone when I go out. Do you go, are you a headphoner? Go out with your headphones. Noise cancelling headphones. Do you talk to the registrar? Like if you were to go into like a little shop that doesn't have a self scan, do you talk to them? I always get really, really nervous.

If I'm on the phone to somebody i can't continue my conversation i have to end the call and speak to the lady at the desk well i don't have that problem because i'm not a phone caller i don't really speak to people on the phone or in real life it really baffles me when people stay on their phone or keep their headphones in and they don't they don't say anything yeah that's a bit rude yeah yeah no i speak i obviously do all the like pleasantries yes hello hi yeah and if they talk to me obviously i make conversations but i wouldn't actively seek conversation i'll just be like there you go thanks have a nice day you know the bear you're right the bare minimum you're having a nice day oh the weather's beautiful today yeah no i don't like

that like when you get in an uber and they start speaking to you i don't get in ubers do I no but I'm too scared just anyone really that you have to like speak to in your why are you scared of uber I get scared they're gonna steal me I don't use taxis or ubers because I get scared they're gonna steal me why would they why wouldn't they that is the question who wouldn't want to steal me that's's true. Sorry. You're right. Yeah, no, I don't go out of my way to seek conversation. Like I've got lovely elderly neighbours and they love a chat. You can't be bothered. I obviously do it to be polite, but really I'm thinking.

Isn't it funny? We're both Leos. If you don't know, me and Emma are born three days apart, exact same year. Yeah. Not the same hospital though. That would have been fun. Yes.

God, let me drop my iPad. But we're different because I'm Cancer Leo cusp. You are. I think that's why. We're quite different personalities, aren't we? You're Cancer Leo. You're right.

It's literally the 24th. Yeah. Is the changeover, isn't it? But you know, cancer traits are like really emotional and compassionate. That's not Emma at all. Dead on the inside maybe

you maybe you're a leo ah but then they're like really gregarious and like life and soul of the party i wouldn't say that's me either who are you who am i fucking it's almost like horoscopes aren't real they are real i base my whole life on them they are everything to me i like reading them like out of interest but they are bs i feel like i'm a typical leo you are but i think that's also just your personality anyway doesn't really matter when you were born do you know i mean you could have been born in december and been the same no because chris is all sagittarius he's born in december i think you can make it fit she's just trying to kill our dreams. Don't listen to her. She's,

what is it? When people say that, I'm an empath or I'm an empath. Empath. I don't know what that means. It means I'm on the pathway to life. I'm in the path. I'm in the bath.

I'm in my mom's bath. No, it means you're like, what's an empath? You sympathize with people and you're like compassionate and you understand people's feelings. So what's the opposite to an empath? Wanker.

That's me. Okay. the opposite to an empath wanker that's me okay so i'm an empath emma's a wanker um there you go if you needed any more information on us i want to do a quick shout out to a podcast listener who was so sweet to send joseph a present the other day stop it and i've had to send her a photo because he absolutely loves it. Kathy. Did he come to here or the house? To here. Kathy from Texas. God bless her. God bless her.

Sent Joseph an old McDonald T-shirt. Not only does it have all the animals on and the noises they make, but it's yellow, which is his favorite color. And he's been wanting to wear it. It's actually a bit of a nightmare because he won't wear anything else.

He wants to wear it all the time. Kathy, what a cutie. God bless you, Kathy. God bless Kathy. Although slightly concerned as to where my T-shirt was. You know, don't want to say this is a two-man show here. Do you want a yellow up my Don't Have a Farm T-shirt? That's very, very sweet.

Very sweet. So I just wanted to shout out. Does she have an Instagram? Yes, I think so. Does she have a make it? No, no, no. Oh, she sent it as a gift oh yeah she messaged me on instagram and she did say that she loves you too me first obviously but then she said

so it's all right as well so i would like to know where she came from you did get a shout where did you where did she did she follow you before this podcast she's probably one of your yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you can claim that's really great you can claim maybe she listens to absolute radio maybe she's an absolute radio maybe she is in texas is it texas massachusetts no just texas oh it's the state um yeah houston massachusetts no houston texas houston texas oh there you go anyway how's your week thing god that sounded really bitter I'm not bitter trust me yes all my followers come from you okay what can I say

I'm a giver she's a you're a radiator not a drain have you heard that no oh but we say rad in our house don't we rad yeah I'm a rad not a I'm rad. Yeah, you get two types of people, radiators and drains. You're definitely a radiator. What, I drain the life out of people? Drains are negative. Draining. Yeah.

Oh. And radiators. Yeah, but you don't fill up a radiator. I want to be a sink. I want to fill you up. Fill you up. No, radiators give out positive vibes. That's you.

Give out the heating. You're a radiator, I'm a drain. Together, we will heat your home for less how's your week been my week's been fine and dandy yeah it's a it's a little bit full on isn't it we're trying to get back into the swing of life yeah swing of routine yeah swing of bedtime i feel like i can't give you an update on how things are going yet because i feel like i'm not fully in them myself you know the, the routine of school. Yeah. Dinners.

After school clubs. It's all very overwhelming. And I think if we talk about it a bit too much, I may cry. Yes. So just know that we're in it. I feel you. You're feeling me. I understand every emotion that everyone is feeling.

It's very emotional. And I think everyone's tired. It's a whole lot. Yeah. So I think maybe give me a week or two. Yeah. And then i'll be able to give you a full-fledged review review tiring having them at school or at home do you think at school do you think one million percent not with you as much it's just the routine isn't it it's the routine as much as i do love the routine and i think the routine is so great there is not enough hours in the fucking day i cannot physically get up in the morning do breakfast do the school run sometimes we're trying to do our best for the

planet we're trying to walk to school so to get a walk in that takes a good hour of the morning i then come home by the time we come home it's randy's food time so he needs to have food have his moomoos then i try and dedicate some play time to him before he goes down for his like late morning lap nap in that time i need to get the housework done there's washing coming out of my arsehole tell me about it the beds need washing every room needs dusting everyone needs hoovering i've not put the breakfast away because i haven't had the time from the morning to put the breakfast away yeah do i find any time to eat in this no then by the time i've got all on top of all the housework i think i'll make myself a cup of tea absolutely fucking not bridget get

the fuck out the door it's three o'clock then you've got three o'clock you've got to come home get changed get out for an after-school activity or you've got to come home do dinner because you've got to do it early enough that he won't get a stitch while he's playing football to then go to football come back he then needs showering but then it's late the other two are in bed you may have missed bedtime or they're still awake you've got to do books bedtime for all three at like seven eight o'clock oh my god how do you keep rendy on a routine i find it hard enough for two of them it's so much easier to keep him on the routine than it is for not having him on a routine does that make sense i feel like when we take him out of his routine it's so much more difficult

well it's when it becomes like unpredictable yeah i find the age that renly and sadie are now at least you kind of know what's coming next you're like oh they've been awake for two hours they must be tired it's not just like the beginning you're like what's wrong with them yeah but it's a little bit it's a lot i do as much as i love the routine of school renly in a routine iconic the baby's back at school not so much absolutely not iconic and i'm trying to just let the feelers just sink in of everything sinking of school and how they're dealing with their emotions yeah and trying to find our feet because i think any time returning after whether they've had a week off six weeks off is a lot to deal with to go back anyway but trying to settle into new classes new teachers yeah we're just trying to

process everything at the moment so i feel like i can't give you a true reflection on that yeah until it's been a bit longer yeah are you still running out your emotions on your. I am. Walking pad. Don't be. Why are you so obsessed with me? Although I am feeling like I've put more weight on. Are you joking? So many people have messaged me going.

Soph looks amazing. I don't. I know I look different and I've lost some weight. But this week I've really, really ran for it. Done my. Done my utmost this week. And I'm feeling a little bit out of shape. I've stuck with you, Paula bloody Radcliffe.

I thought you were going to say Percy Pig. Paula the pig. It seems like you've been doing it loads though. Or is that just Instagram? Or have you actually been doing it loads? I haven't been doing it loads. But I am finding when I have a rest day, it's really harder for me to get back into it.

But I know you tell me that I need a rest. It's good to have a rest day. My brother-in-law who did the marathon said to have a rest yeah but i i love how it makes me feel i'm a bit addicted to that it's the endorphins yeah i'm addicted i'm addicted to that feeling so i know i need to rest but i love how it makes me feel like it's six o'clock i've done a run and i feel amazing yeah i do you feel like you can tackle anything after that you feel like you can tackle anything after that don't you take on the world so i feel like that's really helped being back at school in the routine of school it's really helped me having that time to just bash it out yeah bash one out emma and i really want to hear from you we want you to join us in the secret mom club you're all

welcome you can share your secrets with us respond to what we've been talking about, or just say, Hello, is it me you're looking for? I can see it in your eyes. Take that one, two, five, and six. I can see it in your smile. We're trying to audition for a karaoke set. Are you somewhere? We need to work on our lyrics.

Yeah, we do. You can find us on TikTok and Instagram. Just search for Secret Mum Pod or you can email us. Hello at secretmumpod.com. It's time for the X Factor. It's time for the Correspondence. Correspondence. Nice.

Nice. I liked that one. I feel like it's better when it's you and me. Do it again. Yeah. It's time for the Correspondence Column. Get that tongue right deep in there. That tongue actually made me feel uncomfortable.

Did it? You looked into my eyes while I was licking you. So Emma, hit us away. Hit us away? Let away let us play what the fuck take it away this one's from lorna who wrote in about the summer holidays coming to an end oh lorna she said hello lovely ladies i just wanted to give you a wee update now that the babies have been back to school i'm gonna say she's from scotland it's scotland because they go back earlier don't they oh yes they do yeah and i've been back to work for a few weeks oh

because she was going back to work as well after having her babies, I think. My eldest seems to be really enjoying school so far, which I'm very grateful for. She started after school club because I started work and she's taken it all in her stride. I'm so proud of her. Oh. My little one got himself so upset on his first day at nursery. He lasted 15 minutes, threw up and I had to pick him up. Oh, fuck.

Oh. Lorna, that's so sad. So my first day at work he lasted 15 minutes threw up and i had to pick him up oh fuck lorna that's so sad so my first day at work didn't happen he's still upset when i drop him off but i got sent a picture of him actually playing yesterday so i think he's better once i'm not there what a little dude then she put the little crying emoji oh don't i can't but i still cry when i leave every day oh no oh it's so sad the guilt is so real though dad picks them up from nursery after school so he but I still cry when I leave every day. Oh no. Oh, so sad. The guilt is so real though. Dad picks them up from nursery after school. So he gets the smiles and cuddles compared to the tears I get drop off.

I'm not sure how I feel about him being the favorite now. Thank you again for being here. Oh, that's, that is really hard. That is really hard. I feel like that's such normal that I say that's such a normal, that's such like a reflection of mum and dad.

Yeah. It's that mum normally gets the really sad bits. Yeah. And then dad comes in from work. Bad cop, good cop. Mine's the opposite. Because I normally go to work on the radio really early. So Stefan would always do nursery drop off.

And then I would always do pick up. And I actually think it affected Joseph's relationship with both of us. Because he saw Stefan for a while as like the bad guy. And I was kind of the favorite because I was always the one that was doing the good bit and picking him up from nursery. Why do you think that affected his? Because he would just like whenever like Stefan got up in the morning to get him ready or try to get him there. Like that was like that was a tough job because he would know, oh, daddy's going to take me and drop me at nursery. Have you ever done the nursery run?

I have, but like very, very few and far between. Yeah, on Matt leave, I've done it like a bit, but it would still normally be, if Stefan's there, it would normally be his job. And then obviously he's so happy to see me when I pick him up at the end of the day that his association was like, oh, mommy. Like, and if Stefan ever goes to pick him up, actually, sometimes he's really disappointed because the door opens.

And when it's not me, he's like, oh. And sometimes he cries when he sees Stefan. I'd feel like that, Joseph, if I saw Stefan at the door. So hates him as well. But the nursery staff must be like, oh, he hates his dad. Stefan, did you ever have? No, I was happy to be the favourite. Did he ever get sad?

He did sometimes, yeah. Because he was like, obviously Joseph thinks I'm bad. But actually the real pinch point of that was just when Sadie was born and Joseph was playing up a bit in general anyway. Yes. And I'd say now we're in a really good spot with him, actually. He's very happy to go to nursery. He loves it.

He's got a friend there. He doesn't get upset when you try and get in there i think he's just settling into and we did say it would come he's settling into big brother life yeah he is and it's the same with your 15 months old to say look um no not sure how old but the little one they will settle in eventually and they'll start to love it and they'll be happy at drop off and it will get so much easier they just need to get used to it i feel like that's the most awful thing to say isn't it i know but it's true it is so true it's true they'll start to love it i promise you but then she knows because she's done it with her older yeah her daughter hasn't she yeah so she knows it all succumbed i just don't think it ever gets any easier it doesn't

matter how i'm literally contemplating now whether i'm going to put rendley into child care yeah because also they might be happy to go in but you'll probably still cry when you leave every day you definitely am leave every day. I fucking am crying every day. Yeah. That's why I'm just not prepared to talk about it because it just makes me so sad. You cry every day when he's with you. Oh God, I just can't.

I can't talk about the children being back because it's too much. Too sad. It is too sad. It is too sad. And you know, there's the people that agree with you and then there's the people that don't agree with you

and the ones that don't agree with you are just like, oh my God, I don't feel like that about my children and that's okay we should never be negative towards each other whoever however you feel about the situation it's it's it's warranted you know we're allowed to feel how we feel it's just not something i'm i deal well with yeah i don't deal well with i just miss them so much it like hurts my heart i'm in that stage with renny as well where i just miss them so much it like hurts my heart i'm in that stage with renny as well where i just want to be inside his skin or like him in back in my tummy like you

know you get that like oh i could just eat you oh yeah delicious yeah i'm literally at that yeah point where i could just like bite his leg really hard yeah and i say to the children do you want to bite him because he's just so cute delicious honestly and it's you can't really stop yourself lady's like that with me now actually because she's teething. Delicious. Honestly, you've got to really stop yourself. Sadie's like that with me now, actually, because she's teething. She wants everything in her mouth. Yes.

She tries to get my whole head in her mouth. Does she? She comes towards me like this. She really grabs me. Oh, when he's at the... Nails. Nails in my skin.

He does a face grab, though, and he grabs my face. Yeah. And I'm just obsessed with it. Yeah. I'm just like, go on, squeeze it harder. She really grabs my boob

when she's feeding. She's scratching me. She's pulling my hair.'s trying to eat me she's she can't get enough of me she just can't delightful i wouldn't say the feeling's mutual i don't want to eat you oh but thank you lorna so much you are doing absolutely incredible god bless you yeah there's lots of mummies and daddies in the same boat so yes we're with you we're all in this together all right i've got another email here it says hi ladies hello after hearing the minge stick tampon story do you remember the minge stick i do i was reminded of something my daughter said when she was seven she's 13 now she once called a fanny oh god funny she once called a fanny fart a muff guff

i will forever call it a muff guff going forward that's better than queef that is better than queef muff guff yes a muff guff i just had to share that one from sarah rennis is tired he needs a little nippy nips he liked muff guff he did like muff guff he doesn't want to not listen to the story that is iconic isn't it muff guff and she was seven that's genius that is genius isn't it yeah i don't think i even knew what a muff was at seven no muff guff forever be known forever no queefing i'm what are you doing just muff guffing oh can you spell that that's my muff guff i think guff is such a funny word for fart in general. Yes.

I'm trying to introduce that one with Joseph because I don't really like fart. It's a four letter F word. The four letter F word, fart. So I'm trying to go for guff. We just say pump. We say pump. Pump.

Pump or pump. Pump. Pump. Pump, pump, pump it up. Excuse me, I pumped. Pump. A trump I quite like, but it's been a bit ruined by Donald Trump.

Get down with the trumpets. Yeah, yeah. But they're coming back i love guff did you know that donald trump bristle kicks yes did we talk about that last week bristle kicks and donald trump he comes in here doesn't he donald trump jordan oh gosh what's your obsession with trump i'm saying donald trump thank you sarah thank you Sarah. That was iconic. We forever are going to have itchy legs and muff cuff. Yes. Sorry, did you just muff cuff? We'll add that to our SMC dictionary going forward.

Yes. Yes. So you can get in touch with us on anything at all. Yeah, it can be serious or silly and you can be totally anonymous. Because between us, we've probably heard it all before. And remember, we're all in this together and we know that we are. We're all stars and we see that. And we all muff cuff.

This is The Secret Mum Club, the safe space for us to share our secrets so here is my secret of the week if you listen to thursday's episode you've got a little teasy teasy pot into this yes i've been waiting i've been on tenterhooks have you yeah i i had an experience that i've never experienced before it sounds sexual i want to sex you up i had i went to m&s god bless m&s nothing on them and i parked in a mum and baby bay okay okay we know there is territorial shit about yeah a mum and baby bay they're hard to get so fucking hard to get and also had another situation at tesco's it It was pouring with rain the other day. I will get back to the secret. It was pouring with rain the other day and I needed the, you know, the flat trolley that the car seat can go on top of.

Oh my God. Is that what they're for? The flat bit of the trolley is for the car seat to go onto. So you don't have to put the baby in the seat. You can leave them in their car seat and put them on top of the trolley. I've literally never known that before. Well, those trolleys are always free. because nine times out of ten mummies don't have a trolley coin it's meant to be convenient for mummies blah blah blah yeah but if people don't

have a trolley coin they take those trolleys they have no babies they have nothing so you see them walk around the shop so the other day it was pouring with rain i needed to do a food shop so i took rendy into the shop and i asked the lady and she was like do you know what no but there's people in here because they weren't outside i was like do you know where the trolleys are she was like no but i do know where they are people in this shop with no children disrespectful they've taken the trolleys so that's that's the story for another day but she got really angry with me about those trolleys so people are the worst people are protective of trolleys for babies also mum and baby bays, protective. Disabled bays, protective.

Fair enough. Okay, right. So before having Renly, Colby and Dottie, hence, well, they were five and seven when I had Renly. Me personally, I don't use the mum and baby bays with them two at five and seven. Yeah. Because I feel like they're big enough. Yeah. I also like to leave the bays for people with babies, car seats, pram. because the idea is you have a little bit more space on the side to like get the car seat

in sort the pram whatever get a toddler in if you've got a teeny person so i personally don't feel like my children need it if i worry about the space of the gap or the space that with the gap that we have yeah i park further away from the store double bonus i get my steps in and also allow enough win yeah double win so went to m&s the other day and i got out of the car and i opened the car to get the babies out and the isofix is in the back of the car but renly has to be basically in my skin has to sit next to me so we have got the airbag off and he sits in the front of the car with me yeah so he turns okay you just manually put it in and i've turned all the airbags off to protect him so i got them two out and obviously you could see the isofix base was

empty so this woman next to me my bay was the mum and baby bay and the bay next to me was the disabled bay and she was parking in that one so she was in there loading her thing up and i could hear like a huffing and puffing and she was like slamming her stuff in and i was a bit like is everything as i do everything okay and she was just like do you do you really think that you need do you need a mum and baby bay because she thought you only had the two bigger ones and i was like uh yes and she was just like do you not think your children are bigger like they can they can walk perfectly fine you don't have any prams or anything like that and i was like oh well i do and she was just like where

where's the pram and she just kept going on and i just thought oh i went to the boot and i was pottering getting my bags and stuff out and she was still ranting on at me and i was just thought oh i went to the boot and i was pottering get my bags and stuff out and she was still ranting on at me and i was just like oh do you know what i'm just gonna i'm gonna bite my lip and she was like i'm disabled do you know how hard it is for me to get a disabled bay and it's people like you who selfishly take the bait she was going at me what's the problem i think she was licking the bays together so like the disabled bays like telling how hard it is for her to get a bay like it's hard for mums to get a bay when they've got a car seat and i just thought my as soon as she said about the disabled bay i was like my blood is absolutely fucking boiling at this point so i went round and i slammed the boot down went round to the front of the car and i got the car seat out and

obviously you've seen the car seat the wheels pop out out of it. And I wheeled around the front. I said to the children, right, come on then children. And she went, oh, oh, oh, you, she didn't literally didn't know what to say. She looked at the pram, looked at me, looked at the children, was like looking. And then tried to do like she hadn't spoken to me. And I just went to her. Just a little, little word of wise word is please don't ever assume from looking at somebody, I'm a very kind person and I make sure that I'm thinking of other people. Had I not had the car seat, I wouldn't park in this bay, but that is none of

your business. And I do have entitlement to park here, just like you have entitlement to park in this bay. And I said, don't talk to me about a disabled bay when I am 37. My mom is 67, has been disabled since she was 30 years old. And I spent my life fighting for my fucking mom's disabled bay. So yes, I have every right to be in this bay, just as you do fucking yours.

And remember to be kind, have a nice fucking day and mind your own bloody business. And she was just stood there like. And you know when you just think all I wanted was a fucking trending chocolate for M&S and I felt like saying, fucking hell, don't stroke a carpet, love. I've been after that chocolate bar.

But seriously. I had it before it went viral. It's okay. You had it first. You had it before it was cool. But I just think there's just no fucking need and it was the fact that i just i was so bemused by the whole thing that had happened and i was just like what is the point what is the point in you saying just anything

judge other people when you have no idea like you must have felt so smug knowing that you had this trump card because she was right she kept rolling and rolling and rolling and i had nothing to be embarrassed about nothing at all you're thinking i know i've got a five-month-old baby in the front of the car so you can you do this yeah you do you baby and i was just sat there and i thought i'm gonna take my time and the children were looking at me like i was thinking i thought don't fucking say anything to her obviously they're i thought don't fucking say anything to her obviously they're aware they don't talk to strangers and she had a very defense like she normally does the woman was very irate well the woman was really really irate and she kind of at

one point just crossed her arms and stared at me you must have been thinking you wait for this yeah and i you wait for this you're not ready for this linda you're not ready you're not ready for about how this is gonna go and then just wield him out from beside he's like hey sister and you just think just honestly do better and also disabilities are there's some disabilities are invisible yeah so just never ever i can never get over the amount of people and if you're a man and you park in that bay with a van, again, do better. Because men park the vans in the baby bays

because they are bigger bays. I take my time to go all the way across to the Tesco's car park where I am. It's like an overflow so that there's more room. Fucking park over there and take two bays. Have some consideration. It's when they're like, oh, I've got to get to work, I'm busy. I'm fucking growing humans. fucking park over there and take two bays have some consideration it's when they're like oh i've

got to get to work i'm busy i'm fucking growing humans i've got three kids over here i just it really really it blows my mind people definitely park in the parent and child bays when they aren't a parent and don't have a child are you brash enough to say something to them would you say something to them i don't know because it does really grind my gears but i probably just suffer in silence in that very british way and kind of just it just makes me sad that when i see a mum with a toddler who's in the pram and she's got the car seat or she's got two tiny babies it's raining and i see her walking across the whole yeah it truly breaks my heart that's normally me like yeah that's me but these two are bigger you know yeah at my gym all the parent and child bays are right outside

the front entrance of the gym and people definitely fucking park in there who don't have children with them and then i have to go there you should see me trying to get the double buggy around the side of a skinny normal bay which is tiny yeah take the bassinet off with Sadie in it. Like I'm juggling all these gym bags. Like it's just wild. I understand as well. And I think, I did say to my mum,

I think the parent and baby bays, you can be a disabled badge holder and park in them. Can you? Again, don't quote me on that. I've always come out with unuseless. But I'm pretty sure you can. If you display your badge,

I think you can park in the moment so i'm very aware of that yeah but it's when you literally get bob who's gone in for his meal deal and he parks in the bay i'm not just saying it's just men because there is women that park in them as well and i just think the problem is is that you can't really police it because with the disabled badges you've got the blue badge system but with the parent and child there's no real like official system of unless someone's got like a with the parent and child there's no real like official system of unless someone's got like a car seat in the car there's no way of of knowing really so people can get away with it a bit more really grinds my gears so i had to get that out and

off my chest i was gonna say i could never get over the amount of people that like publicly approach you i never have these kinds of interactions in public i think i have a friendly face so people think they can talk to you. Yeah. Because I'm not a resting bitch face type of person. I'm a bit of a smiley person. Yeah. I think,

I think people think they can take the piss out of me. Like, oh, she's too kind. She won't say anything or she's not going to shout back at me. Yeah. Like, I feel like I don't have a resting bitch face face.

Yeah. Not saying that you do if people don't approach you, but I feel like I don't know whether it's because I'm smiley or i'm chatting away because i spend the time chatting away to the children and i think people think oh i'll say something to her she seems friendly yeah yeah and she won't say anything back or she won't start an argument with me you fucked with the wrong bitch little did you know when i need to flip i will flip my lid be more me look like a bitch i expected more of m&s customers to be honest so a little bit disappointed just goes When I need to flip, I will flip my lid. Be more me. Look like a bitch. I expected more of M&S customers, to be honest.

So a little bit disappointed. Well, it just goes to show, doesn't it? It's nothing on M&S. You never know. It's that woman. You never know. Rudd. It was rude, so there you go.

That's my secret of the week. I had to get it off my chest. If you see Safina out in public, do not approach her. You can approach me. Be nice. I'm a really approachable person, don't question I guess people don't know me so I may look friendly but you don't know my ability or it's that whole thing like I don't you don't talk about things you donate to charities I don't talk about charities or

things I do to support and help other people because I don't need gratification from anybody else and it's that same mindset isn't it like i don't i'm not going to sit here and go well actually i'm a really kind person i do a lot and i think of other people or i do and i'm not assuming that everybody should know that but i just don't think we should ever judge each other like it's so unnecessary for you to just make an assumption on somebody else you don't know shit you don't you don't and i it never crosses my fucking mind sometimes the mum and baby base when i see a van but also if a mum and baby bay is there and there's a mum there i always think oh maybe the dad and the child's in the shop i'm not really if it's a

van i get that or a car filled with young lads that's what pisses me off but i never assume like a parent yeah it's just yeah unless i see her in the car and she's driving off and I think, oh, she's squinting. You lazy bitch. But no, it's hard, isn't it? I get that. It's hard. But just don't piss on someone's cornflakes.

Don't piss on my parade because you're having a shit day. Back off, Karen. Fucking hell, Linda. So that is my secret of the week. Final. I won't go back on it anymore. I promise. I'll let it go now. Okay. So now let's get into one of yours. We've got three secrets from you we're going to be discussing this week. So Emma. Taking away with number one, baby.

Hi, Safina and Emma. I have two girls and when they were in nursery, they used to refer to their lady parts as their Christians. One day my daughter is a christian yeah oh okie doke one day this is new my daughter told her teachers that her christians had an itch and she couldn't scratch it herself even though she totally could the teachers were so confused that they had to call me and ask what her christians were i had to explain that she meant her fufu and that she was perfectly capable of scratching it herself. But hey, it'll make a great story to tell at her wedding one day. From Carla.

Oh my goodness. Yeah. Her Christians. Her Christians. I wonder where that came from. Yeah. Did they just think of that themselves? Yes. Or did they think like a family thing?

Yes. Because my family, which I don't know anyone else who did this, used to call our bits, our sixpence when we were little. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know where that would have come from, Christian. What somebody calls their sixpence yours. That's what we used to call it when we were little.

I don't know where that's come from. And I don't know anyone else that does it. Did your mum never tell you where it came from? No, I think she just, maybe she just called it that. We called it a foo-foo. Yeah. All growing up, my mum would say, it's not a vagina, it's a foo-foo. Yeah. Whereas now you're supposed to would say foo-foo. It's not a vagina, it's a foo-foo. Yeah, whereas now you're supposed to say vagina, aren't you?

I know, but my mum really hates the word vagina. It's quite aggressive. Or penis. Yeah, they are quite aggressive. It's when Colby says, oh God, I got my penis. My mum's like, I'm sorry, mum. We've got to use political correct words. My friend's little boy is the same age as Joseph.

He's two and a half and they're teaching him like the biological terms. And now he has a shower with them he's like started preferring a shower to a bath and when he's in the shower with his mom he says mom is that your gina is he american his mom's american is she yeah oh my god is that your gina oh my god you could call it gina gina the gina gina the gina yeah vagina yeah oh maybe you should call or we could just call it gg gg no that's what i call my great granddad okay the kids call him gg my granddad not in your house we can't refer to it as a um as a gg no but maybe other people could yeah the christians i love that i feel like the word penis though is very aggressive it is like trying to tell a I love that. I feel like the word penis, though, is very aggressive.

It is. Like trying to tell a seven-year-old to use the word penis. I think penis and vagina both seem quite aggressive. Yeah, aggressive words. Fufu and Willy, I think we'll stick with. Yeah. Not Christians. I like Fufu and Willy.

That was a wrong way to... She loves it. Loves them both. Right. Shall we go in with number two? Yes. This one says, Hi, Soph,ma and the babies

i've been thinking about writing him for a while because i've been struggling a bit recently i'm a fairly new step-mom to two incredible children whom i absolutely adore i've met their mom and she's fantastic a wonderful mummy but sometimes i feel like such a failure i get on well with the kids and they do come to me when they're hurt or upset but i have to admit that i sometimes feel jealous i don't have children of my own and they do come to me when they're hurt or upset. But I have to admit that I sometimes feel jealous. I don't have children of my own and I desperately want to be someone's mummy. I'd never want to replace their mum, but I also know that I'll never be wanted as much as their mummy or daddy. I never imagined being a step parent would be so lonely yet so incredible all at once.

I feel awful for even moaning about it because I know how lucky I am to have them in my life. But at the end of the day, I just want to be someone's mummy not just someone on the sidelines love from Evangeline oh my god Evangeline um I feel like that's really really valid though yeah I feel like it's such a common feeling yeah I feel like it's a really really common feeling yeah but I can totally understand how she feels like when I used to watch my sister i know it's a little bit different but when i used to watch my sister i used to crave so much to be a mum and although i loved being an auntie i know it's they're very very different yeah i love being an auntie i used to be like because obviously there was one point that i did get told that i couldn't have children so it was um i used to long for that and i used to love being an auntie but I used to get so sad so I feel

like this is so I feel like I kind of know you can relate to it yeah yeah because even when you're an auntie or a stepmom like it's kind of a similar thing they can be really close to you and love you but like Evangeline says ultimately I'm not their mom they're gonna go to their mom yeah or their dad and you want that person to be you yes i don't know obviously evangelia i don't want to assume i wonder if um they will have children yeah or if they've tried she doesn't say whether they can or can't yeah hopefully that happens for you if it can't if yeah i hope that it is possible and i hope that's something that you can go on to in the future yeah have yourself in the future and i think that's you know there's no

there's no complications there and i really do think that it will shape you to be the mummy you are when you do become a mom the experience she's had already yeah yeah definitely and i think as well it's hard because once you're in those feelings again because i was an auntie i always felt like i would never have that I'd never have the feeling that they'd want me like they'd come to me if they hurt themselves but after they'd had a hug with me they'd go with mummy yeah mummy would sue them or if I was crying and I was trying to rock the baby to help my sister yeah and they wouldn't sit with me and then my sister took them when in a second they went to sleep and I'd be like I'm just not enough to to comfort them even between mummies

and daddies sometimes like if Stefan can like soothe the baby or get them to sleep I'm just not enough to comfort them. Even between mummies and daddies sometimes. Like if Stefan can like soothe the baby or get them to sleep, I'm a bit like, oh, they didn't want to do that for me, but he was able to do it. And obviously ultimately it's a good outcome, but I'm a bit like, oh. So I'd say that's us at the moment is that Renly is sad in the car. Chris can't seem to settle him in the car. He gets really uncomfortable in the car with Chris and the babies.

But when I'm in the car, he's absolutely yeah um it's hard isn't it that there's the things like Chris does really well with Rock and Renly to sleep um but when he's really really het up it's me so that you find your own you find your own ways don't you and they go through their different stages of like parental preference or like they'll go to you for one thing but then they might go to their dad for another thing or but I would say you have a one one a very incredible relationship with their mom yeah that's it I was just gonna say that in itself is an absolute credit it's great that you think their mom is fantastic and that you get on and you've got a lovely relationship I think that's so huge I also we I don't know how long you have been a stepmummy to them or how long they've been. It doesn't say how old their kids are.

And it doesn't say how long they've been in your life. So I would say it might just be how you're feeling right now. Obviously, we don't know if you're trying for a baby or you if it is something that you want together and everything is OK, that you'll go on. And I truly believe it will shape you into that. But please don't doubt yourself. I feel like the longer you go on and in their life, it all changes, doesn't it? Like their hormones change. And situations in life really change. Yeah.

So do give yourself a lot of credit because if you think the world of them i think it will mean so much more to them yeah then i think you realize sounds like they've got a great relationship like she loves them they love her and also if they're younger children at the moment they might go to their mummy and daddy for more things but then as they get older they might come to you for more things yeah and also you may find that you become the one that they find confidence to talk to about things they don't necessarily want to go to their parents about yeah like i get my niece now will talk to me about things because she doesn't want to tell her mom and dad yeah and she doesn't know how to approach them

yeah we have a relationship where she feels comfortable to talk to me about things. And I have to respect her. And there's things that I know that I can't tell my sister. And there's things I can't tell her dad, you know, her dad. Yeah. And it's things that I cherish now as an auntie with a 15 year old niece that I think, gosh, she's she's trusted me with this information. And I kind of feel really honored because I think I can't tell my sister because that's breaking my trust of my niece yeah also i've got so much respect for my niece i don't want to tell my sister yeah so i want to tell you that there is hope and that you your whole relationship will change and there'll be things that give you this gratification that

you're you're missing at the moment but do give yourself some credit because you obviously have the most incredible relationship with them yeah with their mum obviously with their dad yeah because you're their step mummy yeah um and just enjoy the process yeah as much as you physically can yeah it's a unique and different role but a special one and it's still your role yeah that is it doesn't it doesn't discredit that you are still a mummy yeah because i think mummies and daddies come in all different yeah shapes said it before haven't we yeah all different shapes and forms yeah and i just i truly believe it's who you are as a person that really makes you a parent yeah not necessarily birthing them or carrying or being the sperm to the egg or the egg yeah yeah yeah so i i sometimes think that

it's it's definitely not it's definitely you as a person that makes the parent oh that was a really beautiful one oh there goes your phone there goes my phone leaving the room thank you though that was a really really lovely one i don't think we've ever we've i don't think we've ever had that before i don't think we've ever had that so thank you for sharing evangeline evangeline what beautiful name beautiful name i was about to say evangeline's a beautiful name right let's have the last secret of the week this says ladies the other week during that beautiful heat wave i decided to take my son to the local park just to set the scene he's only in year three so how old is that he's colby's age he's seven or eight depends when he

was born okay after running around for about 10 minutes he suddenly shouted across the play area i'm wetter than a bloody coochie it's roasting hot all the parents looked at me in shock and they definitely weren't happy when i casually replied yeah it is really hot today i did explain to him later that we shouldn't use that word in public love holly is that like australian or american or is that a british thing i don't know we say coochie don't we do it well you know that it's your yeah private part yeah you're foo-foo foo-foo yeah your gg gg we'll be able to refer to her. You'd be like, why are you referring to my granddad? Is it your granddad? Great.

Well, my granddad, the kid's great granddad. Oh, so it's their Gigi. Gigi. Because he's great granddad. I get it. Hello. Hello. I'm wetter than a bloody coochie.

It's roasting hot. Nice. Yeah. But it's better than saying I'm wetter than an otter's pocket. What is it? Is it an otter's pocket? I encourage the... You love it, don't you? I'm wetter than an otter's pocket. What is it? I encourage the... You love it, don't you?

I'm not going to lie. I do love it. I love the funny words that children come out with. I think it's so funny. I think it's so fucking hilarious. I can't wait until Joseph starts saying stuff like that. I just think it's so funny. After our ad the other day, we did the Disney ad about when my mum painted her face blue.

Yes, inside out. Yeah. The children went out with her the next day and Dottie went to her, oh, Grammys, your face is still blue. And she was like, oh, is it? Christ, I've spent hours trying to scrub it off. And Colton went, no, no, that's just Grammys veins. They're blue because she's old.

She's old as fuck. My mum was like, way to get humbled by the children. They'll bring you back down to earth. They will. They will. They'll keep you young. They will. They'll keep you on your toes.

We watched Inside Out the other day one because inside out two was being advertised yes and joseph was like i want to watch that one you can buy it's available yes clicked on it saw you had to pay i said joseph we can watch number one it's free watch that one all i could think of was your mom doing this god love my mind throughout your mama's sadness my mum is sadness she made me laugh so much bless her heart I see she's sadness she's more emotional

than me my mum is she yeah god can't imagine she cries all the time more than you more than me

yeah she's emotional no wonder she wanted her whole face to be sadness consume me with sadness oh Holly I love that so much

thank you Holly never ever never dull that down don't change never dull that down you Never dull that down. You embrace that coochie, that roasting coochie. So thank you for sharing your secrets this week. Everyone is welcome in the Secret Mum Club.

If you'd like to share your secrets with us, you can. The email is hello at secretmumpod.com or with Secret Mum Pod on TikTok and Instagram. Do you regularly struggle to scratch your Christian? Do you regularly struggle to scratch your Christian? Or are your muff cuffs getting out of control? I've got far too many muff cuffs. Do let us know. There really is nothing too outrageous.

Keep an eye out for our Thursday episode. And we'll see you next Tuesday on the Secret Mum Club.