Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Mum's Night Out

Episode Date: October 23, 2023

The baby chat is in full swing now that Sophiena and Emma's secrets are out of the bag! And there may be a cheeky mini-announcement in this week’s episode too! We hear from one Mum in shock at her son’s impeccable use of a swear word, and we’re throwing back to the teenage years with a secret involving N-Dubz, Lambrini and squatting in the loo. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, this is The Secret Mum Club. I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. This podcast is a safe space for mums everywhere. A safe space to share our secrets. Because we've all got secrets, haven't we? We have. And as we know, sharing is caring. You don't even have to tell us who you are. You can keep that to yourself. You can be anonymous.

And those secrets can be serious or silly. All secrets are welcome in the secret mum club thought i was so out of breath i was trying not to laugh where i'd laughed and then tried to not laugh i was holding my breath listen tell me please about your week you made it sound like it was really exciting i just can't believe that we're out of the closet now oh i'm so relieved it's our first week that we can finally talk about it i felt like we were nearly tripping up over it for ages about eight weeks for about eight weeks so thank god it just was every time we said something we'd be like can you just delete that

yeah cut that out can you cut that cut that out we can't say that trying to make stuff like ambiguous it's it was so hard to scoot around the subject especially when you were out and i wasn't yeah because we'd been so fluidly talking about us being out yeah but we could only fluidly talk about you because we were off air could talk about i know any baby comments you made i just had to flip it back around and be like you mean your baby you mean i don't know what you're talking about there's nothing going on i know any baby comments you made i just have to flip it back around and be like you mean your baby you mean i don't know what you're talking about there's nothing going on a few people said to me on instagram like actually i did think when you made this comment a few weeks ago so i must have put my foot in it somewhere we must have because every time there was something said go back and listen there was comments made and then we're like your your baby, right? Of course. Yeah. There's no baby over here.

Nothing to see here. Nothing to see here. There's nothing. What is that song? Why do I keep spitting today? I don't even have your retainers in. I have. Oh, have you?

No. I have got new ones that look like I don't have them in. Your teeth look fantastic. Thank you so much. They look really good. I'm very proud of them. Have you finished it now? No.

January, I finished them. I've got my permanent three-month ones now that i should be wearing permanently but i've been drinking coffee as you haven't got them in now i haven't got them in today they look good thank you i feel like now i've got these beautiful teeth and i'm swelling like a walrus i got into an uber today it was a red leather interior uber for my journey this morning i shit you know i was sliding around in my leggings i honestly felt like a walrus on land i was trying to get out of this taxi i was like whoa are you very sweaty at the moment just these it's leather it was just the leather in my leggings because they're like a nylon cheapy legging it's like sliding slipping and sliding

and then what with my stomach muscles are not the best at the moment oh it's hard when you've got baby in there isn't it i tried to do some push-ups this morning it really fucking hurt it's hard to do exercise when you're pregnant isn't it to just be motivated i've not been doing anywhere near as much as i did the first time around hardly anything it's too hard it's just the motivation to do it isn't it i did go for a walk on the treadmill the other day yeah i thought i'm gonna do this every single day that's really good i did one day i do need to get back to it i haven't been that i've been a little bit on and off i don't know if you're the same yeah because our symptoms were very much the same at the start weren't they but mine don't seem to be

fucking off yeah at the start i didn't feel like it at all like feel sick like no energy can't be bothered first trimester that's a good excuse to not exercise now i'm in my second trimester i'm like i really need to pull my finger out and get back on it they say though only to do it for your because it's good for labor yeah but i want to like stay fit as well while i'm oh my god there's so many questions we could ask right now isn't there listen do you want to tell me about your week no i just want to know how your vagina's doing your bum hole talk about your birth plan we're gonna need another emergency episode another one not another one we're going into emergency an episode this announcement is just check on your hemorrhoids how's your ass doing i've had constipation no but

my midwife i thought of you the other day my midwife told me a really interesting fact tell me in pregnancy your bowel activity is reduced by up to 50 percent fucking hell and i thought of you because i haven't had constipation but you have haven't you severe severe so there you go patient i'm eating polos like a horse. Do they make you go? They give you laxative effects. So that I can just get an easy bowel movement. Wow. But this week, how's my week been?

My week has been okay. It's been steady. I feel like we're just plodding through now. We're plodding through like being back in the routine of school. Trying to keep myself sane. Some days I'm good, some days I'm terrible symptoms wise yeah mine are so on and off like a little switch are you still feeling sick yeah i just i don't know what it is i don't know whether it's a certain food that's just not agreeing with me yeah i don't know what it is but i still the headache

the headache is rife yeah i've had some bad headaches this time yeah my sickness has gone though but yours is sticking around and mine's always in the evening is it and horrific nightmares yeah you've not been sleeping well that's hard when you're tired as well i don't know what it is about the whole nightmare situation you have a nightmare no but then i do i never remember my dreams i think- But I don't when I'm not pregnant. But this time the nightmares are so vivid, but found a cure, shared it on my Instagram. Do you know what it is?

Bananas. Bananas. Yeah. Bananas. Bananas are coming to- Banana, banana, banana, banana. I- Feel like a minion.

Yes. I've eaten that many bananas. Yeah. That's how I say it to Joseph every time he has one, he finds it hilarious. Banana. Banana. Oh, banana.

What's the deal with, what's the science? A lot of people told me that they were the worst thing to have. Before bed. Before. Because it's like a sugar spike. But I googled as to what can help you to sleep. Yeah. First thing that came up, magnesium.

Is that in a banana? There's magnesium in a banana. I thought it was potassium. Oh, both, is it? Potassium and magnesium, I think, is in a banana. Chris takes magnesium to sleep. So I thought i thought well i can't take magnesium supplements banana tried it slept like a baby wow really wet the bed yeah no you slept so heavily you wet the bed i didn't know that was so believable from you though that i just took it as a fact you just took

that straight to the face didn't you? Yeah. Straight in there. I honestly wouldn't have questioned it. Well pretty much. At the moment I'm getting so hot and I don't actually know if it's wee-wees

or sweat. Yeah. And the heating suddenly started coming on in the middle of the night. Well I put mine on but now I've touched it it's now getting aroused

early hours of the morning. It's like So you want some of this? Yeah. It's like that whole thing of you don't have any intercourse for such a long time yeah then you have it one night and then they expect it every single day and you're like ease up there gentle tits your heating's getting a bit keen yeah the heating's keen though put it on the other day because it's a little bit chilly now every night it's trying to come on early hours in the morning dear don't turn me on mate thank you very much so you had a fight with me we heat in oh but

otherwise life is pretty good we've been swimming yes i was meant to give you an update on miss william and morrison are they both um having swimming lessons or you having swimming lessons hang on is it you no i can? I've been taking the babies. I know. My dad can't swim. No way. He can only, well, he can swim underwater

and he can dive in. He just can't swim on the top. My mom's the opposite. She only swims on the top. She doesn't put her head under. Yeah. Together. She only goes on top.

Yay! Yay! What? No wonder she had three children. Children. no wonder she had three children oh sorry to your mum sorry nicola if you're listening outrighted your name your mum yeah all right nicola oh so yeah no we've been teaching the babies to swim yeah So we finally, we got in, we talked on it briefly,

but we were going to touch on it last week, but we had so much to cover, didn't we? Swimming's on Mondays, isn't it? It is. Yeah, so I do have to have a dash back on a Monday to try and get back to the swimming class. But as everybody thought, that little Miss Mermaid Dottie was going to take to the water like a swan,

graceful on the top, paddling like hell underneath. And Colby was going to be scared shitless yeah of his own shadow because he takes after his mom well how roles have reversed no dotty she's more interested in what they're doing in the other in the other in the other pool she's not interested not in the slightest she just keeps saying can i just jump in no you can't swim yeah how are you meant to jump in colby on the other god bless his heart he's given it his all yeah he hates every second does he they don't enjoy it it's like swimming with an ironing board and i can't i'm really struggling i'm really struggling to watch like he's doing

incredible we had to we've gone from he wouldn't put his head in the water because of his ears they don't like water in their ears yeah so we've gone to now finally putting our ears are under the water okay tremendous yeah the only thing is he just lies like this and i'm like relax a little bit into the pool like into the water just relax a little bit but you just can't and then he can't do legs and arms at the same time it's so it's honestly so it's so painful for me to watch you forget don't you like dots is basically swimming into the other lane she's not fucking paying any attention. Can she swim? She can't swim, no.

She's just on her float like not even listening to the teacher. Kicking her legs. And I just can't watch it. You forget when you can swim like actually learning that from scratch is probably quite hard. It's making me really cross. I don't know if that's normal. I think frustration is probably it because you want

them to get it. And their heads are in the water so they can't hear what I'm saying. What, are you shouting encouragement from the side of the pool? You're like, relax your arms. Hang on, how involved are you allowed to be? Are you poolside? I'm in the pool. You're in the pool.

I'm in the pool room. And they've got like a teacher in the pool. Yeah, three to a teacher. They have the same little class every week. The same lad that joins in with them. And their little teacher, Mel. And they have her every week. How long have they been doing it for?

I think this is week seven now. They'll get it. And it's their last week. We've just had to pay for another turt, another block load. This pisses me off about swimming. Because I want to get Joseph into swimming as well. But you have to... Pay.

Baby swimming classes or child swimming classes. You have to pay up front for a whole term block yeah I can't commit to that many days because I don't know if I'm going to be like a lot of them are on a Saturday morning well I might not be here every single Saturday that's what I find hard with gymnastics I'm going to miss some of them which is going to be a waste of money so I've never committed to swimming lessons for him I did like four taster sessions you want to do like a pay as you go yeah it doesn't exist no it doesn't exist I did four four taster sessions. You want to do like a pay as you go? Yeah. It doesn't exist. No, it doesn't exist. I did four,

which was the minimum I could get with water babies. Yes. He hated it and I never went back. So he might... Do you take him to the pool? You have to go in with them. No, do you take him to a pool,

not in a class? Oh, he has been. Yeah, just like with me, like, you know, freestyle, no lessons. Yeah. But again, he doesn't like it.

He's been on holiday. Didn't like it. Didn't go in the pool yeah this was colby this is why i've left it so long because he just they colby would really really hate his water at joseph's age like 19 20 months coming up to two and then obviously i couldn't do it because i got then got really heavily pregnant with don yeah but i just couldn't do it anymore and colby hated it i took him once a fucking week and he hated it yeah this, this is the thing. I'm just like, it's not worth. I know I should persevere and get him used to it, but like, it's such a ball ache.

I know. I think it's worth the effort. That's why I thought I'd just hang on and wait. Yeah, but then you get to seven and I think it's even probably harder for them to learn it. I don't know. He's understanding Colby and he wants it so bad that he's pushing himself.

Yeah, that's good. It's just so painful to watch. And I used to think, like, my mum used to get so angry at me when I was learning something. Why wouldn't I just hurry up and learn it? Now I'm like, so sorry, Mum. I know. So frustrating.

My dad used to do that thing where he'd be like, swim towards me, and I'd be like, don't move away, though. And he'd just keep moving further and further and further back. It's when they say, don't let go of the bike. They're like, I'm not letting go. Yeah, yeah. And they look back and they're like, wow.

That was him. Yeah. So basically I was like, it was sink or swim. You know. Maybe that's why your mum loved him so much. That's why she's always on top. Stop it.

She'll never be able to listen. What a man, what a man, what a mighty good man. I just don't know, but we've had a bit of a plodding week yeah it's been a bit of a plodder we've been just doing our groups getting us through we've got a couple of weeks now i think we're two weeks now and it's half term half term yeah yes so we're just that went quick that's really quick hasn't it yeah well that half term i can't believe it but poor they're tired are they yeah really really tired does that mean they're sleeping well though if they're no uh well dots does when she's poorly she sleeps for a little bit yeah or she's tired she'll sleep for a little

bit but no they just she's overtired all the time isn't she she's she's a sleepers for the week she's always having a danger now isn't she at like 5 p.m absolute chaos just can't stop it and then i always tempt fate. I'm like, oh, she's fallen asleep at 5. She might sleep all night. If she's really tired. Let me tell you. No.

Party at 11pm. It never works. It never works. I don't know why I do it to myself. No. Every fucking week. No. You've got to be strict.

You have got to be strict. Joseph is up at 3pm. No later. Because then he'll go to bed at 7. Well, I was strict when they were babies. But not now. It's easier then, I think, isn, I was strict when they were babies. But not now. It's easier then, I think, isn't it? Not now they're bigger.

But yeah, that's my week. Pretty basic. How was yours? It was all right. Yeah, we... Joseph had his first haircut. Oh my God, it was so cute. We went to this salon.

First of all, guess how much? I know I'm always banging on about the price of haircuts. Well, after the cost of yours, which was about £5 million. Yeah, exactly. It was a little bit cheaper than that. Okay, I'm always banging on about the price of haircuts. Well, after the cost of yours, which was about £5 million. Yeah, exactly. It was a little bit cheaper than that. Okay, I'm going to say £30? Oh, okay, no.

It was £22.50. Oh, that's quite... Which for a child's haircut, I think is quite expensive, no? He's only in there for five minutes. It's really expensive. I said £30 based on how much yours crossed. No, I know. And this is London.

Crossed? £30. £30. He crushed. This is I know. And this is London. Crossed? 30. 30 crossed. This is London as well. So obviously expensive. But I have to say it was great. The salon had one of the little cars that they sit them in. Oh, stop.

So cute. They put a little dinosaur cloak on him, which he loved. And then they had a little screen in front of him showing like a movie, a film or something. So and he obviously first haircut haircut so he had no idea what was going on so he just like i was like this is going to be a nightmare no he like willingly sat in the car stop it that's still what i think he just also just loves attention did they give him a lollipop no nothing shit he just sat there and had it done like i couldn't believe how good he was and they were i think to be fair you're paying for their expertise like she was so quick just yeah she said do you want to keep a bit of his hair did you do that

yeah yeah of course i did i said no you're all right she probably thought what a cold-hearted mother she was like all right okay you can sweep some off the floor if you want i thought stephan stephan was there as well i said do you want to keep a bit of hair he goes no what are you going to do they keep it for a bit and throw it away like the umbilical cord? No. You've chucked his umbilical cord away. No, I've still got that, but it's disgusting. It's in a box.

I'll probably never look at it again. Yeah, but you could have just put his hair in there. Why? What are you going to do with his teeth? Well, teeth is a bit of a different one because you have to keep them for the tooth fairy, don't you? But hair, what are you going to do? Just find it in a box years later and go,

oh, split. Yeah, I taped it inside a little card so they could see their first ever... Oh. Basically, it's like a crime scene

in my house. It's so weird. With teeth, hair and umbilical cord. Children's DNA everywhere. Organs. Fuck, that's actually really bad,

isn't it? No, I think it is like a normal thing to do, but I was just like, oh, I can't be arsed. And Stefan as well't be arsed i'm literally gonna take yeah take it home and throw it in the bin better of you stefan to be honest i know i thought he might say yeah he's more sentimental than me he's more yeah he's got a little bit more heart yeah in that chest as well you're right no no not anymore so i just fall nah but he looks honestly i can't stop looking at the back of his head

does it feel so soft does that sound weird now the little curls have gone he suddenly doesn't look like a baby anymore he looks like a little boy like he's got proper neat little it just goes like a little point at the back and it's oh it's just so cute so scrumptious isn't it i know i can't just do you ever look at him and just go i could honestly eat you yeah i do ever just but is that i do yeah i like it's so hard not to try and like push your teeth like i could eat you up yeah i'm constantly really aggressive i don't actually aggressively kissing him all the time and obviously now he's at an age where he's like they're just so scrumptious aren't they yeah get off no but so that was really cute and quite a milestone that is a huge because he didn't have

a haircut for 20 months wow is that quite late i think i think i think it is well i had colby's didn't i look how long oh yeah that's true but i think my nephew had his done at maybe like eight or nine months so we've come quite a long way but he had no hair for a long time i guess if it's uneven and looks a bit you know this was the problem because he's still got none on the sides really like a little old man but the back was long and he had some on top didn't he some on top so it was it was going it was very mullet which is in fashion at the moment actually but i thought he's too young to have a mullet it's too he could he was pulling it off great though he was business in the back. He's got quite a big head.

So the mullet was adding to like... You can't say that about Joseph. Look, he's on the 98th percentile. So it's scientific that he's got a fucking massive head. That's why he didn't come out. He's just so clever. He wouldn't come out because his head was so big. Oh.

That's why he had to come through the sunroof. God love him. But yeah, haircut. He looks very cute. He's been having a lot of big toddler feelings last couple of weeks yeah i was saying to my mom i think he's he's not two yet but i think he's already a toddler he's having a lot of borderline though yeah i think he can start a little bit earlier yeah but he's yeah he's had some challenging mood swings was he overdue joseph

or four days four days over does that make a difference people say don't they if like the He's had some challenging mood swings. Was he overdue, Joseph? Four days. Four days over. Does that make a difference? People say, don't they, if like the... So people, I don't know, don't quote me on this. We may have already covered it before. That the bigger the baby, the better they are to get out. So like if you were to have a baby early,

people say if they're a little bit early, like two weeks early or something like that the smaller they are the harder it is for them to get themselves out and they say the bigger the babies is but then they also say if your baby comes early they're not as advanced as like an overdue oh interesting i don't know if that's true so if he was late he would have he'd be a little bit more advanced he's very it depends he's very advanced it's a bit like a zodiac sign it depends how much you want to believe of that yeah you're you just you can just be precious about your own boy he is advanced he's very clever

little soul yeah he's a genius but no he's uh god the moods i just can't if this is it for the whole of being two i'm out i quit being a parent yeah because it is hard but then he has days where he's absolutely fine and charming and then he has days when he's then do you not think that's like stefan i used to relate it back to chris like some days he'd be great but some days i used to think it's just like people in general isn't it i think some days you're good some days you're not he's still teething and i think if you can sometimes relate it to like a grown-up yeah it's sometimes a little bit more easier to manage yeah i think they're not they're gonna have off days but i think when he's normally just a lovely happy baby i find it hard to deal with when he's not yeah i'm like oh

you were so lovely yesterday and today you're a nightmare but then he may think the same about you but he can't tell you that what do you mean i'm a joy every day every single day tumbleweed no but he's smashing he's all right yeah he's all right i'll keep him i'll keep him just for a little bit longer emma and i want to hear from you yeah we want you to join us in the secret mom club you're all welcome you can share your secrets with us respond to what we've been talking about or just say hello you can find us on tiktok and instagram just search secret mom pod or email us hello at secret mom pod.com it's the correspondence corner we've got kaylee on this week kaylee's on the line hello kaylee hello kaylee she says

if the extra emergency announcement episode wasn't the definition of the secret mum club i don't know what is you both kept the secret so well congratulations to both of you it really was wasn't it thank you kaylee so much i feel like so many people said it was really obvious and i was like was it was it i don't think it was a lot of people do it a lot do you know can i just say something though that was absolutely hilarious and we were on the whatsapp chat and if you could see the whatsapp chat i was dying and the fact that everyone not only went to the fact that emma was pregnant yeah but emma was pregnant with! People really jumped the gun on that one. Or a lot of people thought you were going to say you were having twins.

I was having twins. Then also a lot of smart Alex came in and went, we've seen so scam picture, there was only one baby. There was only one baby on there. I loved all the speculation. It was so, so funny. I think it's because people thought I was pregnant with twins because we were like, this announcement is even bigger than the last one.

And people were like, well, twins. Oh, that's true. Maybe it was fault of ours. But it worked. Yeah. I mean, we deliberately like hyped it up. Yeah, of course. Obviously.

God, you don't want to play it down. No. It's a big deal. Yeah. And also, it was just received really well. Yeah. And you and me were so grateful, weren't we? Yeah.

I want to say thank you to everybody for your lovely messages because it just went off. We were, it just received so well. And I just, I love that everyone's so excited. As you and me are. Yeah. We've now got this team of wonderful humans. That are also so excited for us. That are on the journey with us.

Yeah. Yeah. But I think people couldn't believe it. Like we were pregnant at the same time. At the same time. And the fact that we didn't know as well for so long. Well, I say for so long. For such a long time of not telling each other several weeks yeah yeah and then we told each

other and it wasn't even like weird plan no so strange for everyone as it was as surprised as we were which was lovely yes yes i agree i've got another message here from lisa she says oh my gosh what is it with people who ask others when they are having a baby? Oh, not this again. My 27 year old son got married last year and so many people asked me when they were having a baby. I finally started saying, honestly, that is like asking me if my son and daughter-in-law are having sex and I need to know about it. They never asked again. That being said, they are now 10 weeks pregnant. Yay! Oh. I'm going to be a Grammy to my first grandchild and I'm beyond thrilled. They have a healthy sex life.

Thank you so much for the amazing podcast. So thrilled you're both pregnant. What an amazing time to be alive. Oh, you're technically, and my mum's a Grammys as well. Grammy. My mum's Grammy. Oh, that's cute. But was Grammy or Grammys?

You basically get to be our grammy too yeah 10 weeks pregnant so they're only going to be like a couple of weeks few weeks by me and you aren't they well we're not giving the exact dates but they're close yeah close yeah well we're in our second trimester aren't we yeah i don't know i'm not keeping it a secret as to i just haven't announced how many weeks i think. The problem is when you give the weeks, people are going to be able to work out your due date. And that's the annoying thing. And I feel like the worrying thing for me at the moment

is being that the last two, I wasn't on social media. And with this one, the first thing people do is speculate on, gosh, aren't you big? That's all you are and you're that big. Or God, aren't you small? You're how many weeks? And you've only got that size of bump, you know? That's the questions I don't want.

And I know people keep asking it. I am not ignoring it, but I am scooting around it because I don't know. I just don't feel like I'm ready to say it yet. Yeah. And also just the comments about like when your due date approaches and people will constantly ask you if you had the baby yet. And you just don't need that. Shit.

No, no. I know people ask because they're yet and you just don't need that. Shit. No. No. I know people ask because they're interested and they're trying to be nice but I think I'll give the I'll give the month I think that we're due.

Yeah. Just won't give the date. I've said that publicly. Have you said have you? Yeah. Not here you haven't. I said it on the radio.

So if you haven't listened to the radio. But that gives you a big span of like 30 days. Yeah, you've got like four weeks of that month. Yeah. Have you actually said the month? Yeah. I listened to the radio.

Listen to Absolute Radio to find out. Go check out Dave Berry. I said March. Have you actually said it? Yes. Oh, okay. Shall I say mine then? If you're saying yours, I'll say mine.

Or do you want to? Yeah, because then you've got to listen to find out. You've got to be here to know. But also everyone knows, I think, that we're really close. Yes. So Emma's March and I am... April! Yay!

So now you'll just have to be in it to know. So if you want to know when i'm due that's the answer you're going to get listen to episode 29 yeah i won't be saying it again i'm not i'm not answering any questions on it sorry rolling into the next one last but congratulations yeah congratulations lisa thank you last message from tony says hello safina and emma the beautiful and crazy duo that everyone needs in their lives. Aw, thanks. Your podcast gets me through my weekly Monday evening cleaning job and the task of ironing school uniforms. That is a task.

It always results in me laughing out loud. So a massive thank you. After listening to the episode about children swearing, it brought back a funny memory of my son when he was just two and a half. He's now 11. my son, when he was just two and a half. He's now 11. After a trip to the supermarket to get the weekly food shop, my son, who had behaved brilliantly, had chosen himself a treat of a tub of Pringles to eat on the way home. Good choice. When we returned to the car, I strapped him in his car seat and handed him the tub of Pringles. I had taken the plastic lid off and peeled back the foil lid, but left it slightly attached on one edge. As I was about to drive off,

I could hear he was getting frustrated and I asked, are you okay, baby? And the reply that came back was, I can't get my fucking hand in the tub. In total shock, my response to this was, pardon, to which he repeated slower and with more emphasis, I can't get my fucking hand in the tub

he had pushed the foil down inside this is a common problem with pringles i have this problem he pushed the foil down inside the tub as he put his hand in to get a crisp out and it got stuck oh i had to fight with all i had not to laugh and offer assistance so it's just the best when they do it like in such good context it's just when the context it's so perfect like that's what an adult would say and it's just funny i think now i find it funny when colby uses it obviously at the moment dotty is she is only five but colby knows it's like a bad word yeah so it's very rare that colby uses it but when he uses it i know that he's using it because he's really cross yeah like when he's playing football in the garden he'd just be like fuck this and you're like

i'm saying the garden like are you okay and he's like it would just look at me like a deer in headlights he's like yeah i'm fine why what happened i was like oh i just i heard you say a bad word he's like oh i'm sorry mom i'm just just really angry about this football game and you're like oh okay but let's try and not use the bad words it's funny when they use it the right way though isn't it it's just so funny it's just so funny and it's just when you're not expecting it i love it i love it so much oh thank you, Tony. Yeah, that was a lovely message. So you can get in touch with us on anything at all. Yeah, it can be serious or silly and you can be totally anonymous.

Because between us, we've probably heard it all before. And remember, We're all in this together. And we know that we are. We're all stars. And we see that. Course two. stars and we see that course too each week we'll be sharing our secrets and yours in the secret mum club and here's my secret of

the week you are looking at me so serious the anticipation is killing me because i'm not in my full mothering mode at the moment i feel like i'm very lucky that i've got chris to look after me and i'm taking a lot of time in bed because i'm not coping and cause pregnancy i'm not coping well with the pregnancy and it's the most infuriating thing for me because if anybody has followed me for a long time will know that i'm just such a get up and go yeah sickness doesn't bother me illness doesn't bother me there is just something i find absolutely fucking hilarious and i haven't told him so no one tell him about chris's parenting go on i literally it's just his parenting in general and when he tells the children off i can't help but laugh because it's the most funniest thing in the whole entire world so the

other day we were in the car and he was just telling the children off and I was literally like I felt like the biggest child no that's the thing because you're supposed to present a united front and some of the shit he comes out with I look at him like the fuck are you talking about oh can you record some of them for her I stop secretly recording your husband and then he said something the other day i was like why are you we got home and like the children went to their rooms i was like what are you talking about why did you say that and he was like i don't know i just i don't know you need to start writing them down i know because my memory is so bad yeah you know when

you're like why did you say that and he was just he was just like i don't know i just panicked in the moment like i don't i don't know why i said it is he not normally the one that no it's so bad at the moment but you know when you're like why did you say that maybe you're just he was just like i don't know i just panicked in the moment like i don't i don't know why i said it is he not normally the one that no it's me disciplines normally chris would just stand back and let me do everything so now at the moment the babies are just constantly on me because they're like daddy's telling us off daddy's doing this daddy's doing that and i'm like oh it's because daddy's trying to help mummy and blah blah blah yeah but it's just it's funny now because normally it'll be me telling them off and chris just used to stand there like i was telling him off as well like the three of them were in trouble they're just all standing look at me and be like ready to go then now now the roles are reversed i sat in

the car the other day and i thought how are the children not laughing at him and chris was like don't laugh because you're putting me off you're putting me off you're putting me off my discipline in i don't know if anybody else is the same but you never find that with stefan well we never don't really have to tell joseph off at the moment so everybody had those like those moments it's the funniest thing i don't know why it was ever left to me but i feel like so at the moment it was such my job to be the one to discipline the babies I guess where where it's been that it's been was me for so long and Chris would just come in the evening and have the dad fun time yeah and obviously now that's quite annoying isn't it or did you not mind that no I didn't mind that because that gave me time I'd get an hour to myself while

Chris did yeah but like you're basically never the fun one yeah I don't know I'm pretty fucking hilarious to be around fun all the time all the time that used to annoy my like my mom and dad because they had the roles where my mom was at home with us yeah and then my dad would come home that that was my mom and dad my mom was angry yeah and we'd be like mom's been telling us off all day like nightmare and then dad would come home from work and just be the which is a piece of piss compared to looking after three children and we'd be like daddy yay fun time i know i think my mum used to phone my dad and then my dad used to come in more angry it's when my mum used to go i've told your dad yeah well the

funny thing was like the my dad was the fun one when he came in from work so we'd be like he hasn't been here all day but then when you were really in trouble and it was like and he turned you'd be like okay sorry that's when you know it's serious but ch was like and he turned you'd be like okay sorry that's when you know it's serious but chris isn't chris isn't scary that they wouldn't be scared of him i can't imagine him being like strict do you know my sister asks the children all the time if we're collectively together which we are quite a lot of the time we uh my sister will always say to my children or say to to her children, my youngest niece maybe, she'll say, who's more scary, mummy or auntie?

Always auntie. Really? Yeah, always me. Because as much as I'm fun, if I've given you a hundred times to stop doing something and you don't do it, I do have a stern voice. Really? I don't know. I mean, I suppose it's not something you'd put on social media, is it? And it's not that i rarely ever have to do it no i can't imagine it like being really

bad and they've done something really yeah naughty yeah what do you do to like discipline them do you do anything is there any like do they go to their room or anything or nothing like that i'm not a roomer because i feel we live in a bungalow and all their toys are in their room it'd be fun so i'm a starer sit on the stair okay you can take some time out or just go and sit on the sofa there's no tv or lounge telly is never really on yeah so just something that's not fun yeah yeah yeah or if i'm at my sister's you have to sit with a grown-up yeah we can go and sit with your grammys yeah and then they're like yeah yeah don't make me sit with the old people I remember me and my sisters

cheated the system when we were younger and we thought we were bloody geniuses we got sent all three of us to our rooms but they were all

opposite each other over a landing like a corridor so we played we stayed in our rooms but we played football between them and we thought

we were the beast so clever so clever yeah we were like take that mum and dad yeah

you think this is a punishment we're having a fucking great time so jokes on you it's you never find now when you speak to your parents as well and then they go we know yeah like we knew that or we knew that we didn't care because you were upstairs and out of our hair so yeah oh and i said to my dad i lied about that i actually went to a party and i lied and my dad was like i know i sat in the car and watched you through the window beg your pardon yeah but i was like yeah i know i watched you yeah yeah to make sure that you were safe yeah but i let you believe that you had told us all a lie it's actually genius parenting they were just so good so clever and there's so many things now that they come out with and i just think fuck yeah they fucking

masterminds yeah i'm generally scared that i won't have that power you will i think it's just like parents intuition do you think yeah like i'll be like oh yeah when i came home from that party when i was 15 yeah i was actually wasted and they're like yeah we know yeah we know obviously we could tell but when you're 15 you think you're so smart i'm so smart i'm scared about that you know i am scared that i'm not going to have the intuition like my parents had because they were like they were literally like oh no yeah yeah they knew it before i'd even planned it but you're so tuned into your kids i feel like you'll know i hope you'll know you'll know i hope please start recording chris for us so we can take the

piss out of him on the podcast he just does the funniest shit and i just can't i just can't explain it but the only thing i will say that's driving me mad is dad dad dad dad dad dad is it worse dad mom mom i don't think they ever really called mom but because chris is going between the two colby upstairs dotty dad says all i hear is dad dad and then i hear yeah what's wrong okay dad dad and that's all i just hear relaxing for you i just said to him i'm gonna have no tiles in that hallway floor and i just said to the children stop calling dad what happened to your legs yeah use your legs to go and find dad and they'll look in one room bathroom come into me in the bedroom they'll go look for

dad can't find him do you know where he's gone probably hiding in the garden you know joseph started saying mommy now not just crying he go when he wakes up mommy mommy i'm like oh no you wanted him to say mommy and not dada i know i wanted to be the favorite and now i'm regretting it now you are the favourite because Stefan's like oh he wants you fuck it's now

I keep saying to Chris sorry the children just want you I better lie here and just drink another cup of tea have another banana because they

because they really want you so that's not it's not much of a secret this week but it is something that's tickled me it's just outing Chris it's just

always it's the only time I get to use my platform to to out him but i feel like it's relatable i feel like someone else is finding the absolute it must be funny like you're gonna there's gonna be a time when you're gonna watch stephan tell joseph and you don't know whether they've given you the ick or you're gonna piss yourself laughing you just you can't let it show you can't let it show you can't you gotta be you gotta bottle it up you gotta be united front yeah united we stand yeah divided we fall soon as them doors are shut the children I fucking ripped it. Let rip. Oh, poor Chris.

Poor Chris. That's my non-secret secret this week. Of the week. Sorry, I interrupted you there. I was trying to introduce the secret of the week jingle like we do Correspondence Corner. Secret of the week. Basically just went in dry then. So next, we'll be hearing some of your secrets on the secret

so this is the secret mom club the safe space for you to share your secrets. And we've got three secrets from you, which we're going to discuss this week. So Emma, kick us off with number one. This one is from Alicia and she says, My four-year-old has recently started reception and has been very constipated. Yeah, I feel you. Not sure what it's down to. Not me, Joseph. Not sure what it's down to, but she hasn't had a poo at home for a couple of days.

Today she came back from school and I asked her if she's had a poo to which she replied oh yes I went for a poo at school and did a good job wiping myself mummy meanwhile I'm thinking no you probably haven't and I'm gonna have to deal with knickers covered in skid marks I wish that's all it was when getting her changed I noticed what I thought was a chocolate cuff and raisin on the carpet upon further inspection i realized it was in fact a souvenir she had brought home along with her poo covered knickers oh i'm gipping as i write this i think that means retching the literal amount of shit us mums have to deal with is endless oh yeah we were talking about this the other week weren't we about the independent poo i can't believe that they're still just left to their own devices.

She's little as well. She's four. She's four. Why did they not help her in the toilet? Well, you were saying they can't at school, no? They can't get involved. I thought in reception they could help you. Maybe they can't.

I don't know. I think you were saying teachers can't. Yeah, I think it's maybe just preschool, but God bless her. But that's so hard, isn't it? Because... But she was so proud of herself. She said, I did a good job wiping oh my god my heart breaks my oh my god how's she supposed to know what to do i feel her pain with the constipation as soon as it's out i would have taken shit in my knickers as long as it was out yeah honestly i would have worn that crap

i think you said like your your children don't really poo outside of the home but I just think when you've got to go, you've got to go sometimes. Yeah, sometimes they'll have a poo if they really need to go. But they're just home pooers. Like Dotsie's a really shy pooer. Yeah. She doesn't like to, she doesn't like to even talk about poo. But yeah, to, oh. I feel sorry.

Like I think if I was a teacher, I would just have to get involved. Do you know, absolute kudos to Alicia, though, because I feel like she's not embarrassed. And I think that's a really lovely thing. Yeah. Kudos to her parenting because she's one. Because she came home and told her. Yeah, because she's one, come home and not been embarrassed about it. Yeah.

Two, she's not asked any other teachers for any knickers. So she's not embarrassed about it. She's embraced it and thought, you know what, I've given it a good go you know what i've given it a good go yeah and i've done a good job and i've done a good job and she came home and she's talked so openly and positively about it so i think kudos to you for your parenting even though you did vomit even though you did find a nugget in there a nug nug yeah oh so rough i can handle a nugget in the toilet but i don't know how i feel i haven't had one on the carpet for such a long time i mean at least it sounded like it was a solid one there's nothing worse than a runny poo on the carpet yes yes oh god bless her heart though proud of her yeah i

feel sorry for all these primary school children having to wipe their own bums i might have to start a campaign but i don't know what are you gonna do become a bum wiper i don't think they'll allow that you might get in trouble i don't think they'll allow that. You might get in trouble. I don't think they'll allow it, but I just feel bad that they're just being left to it. Just suddenly like, you know,

at home someone does it all for them. And then when they go to school. The only thing I worry about is this, and I try to put myself in their scenario, the teacher and the children. So it's a class of 30 with a teacher and an LSA or, you know,

a learning support teacher. If they say, I'm going to the toilet, they excuse them so they can go to the toilet. But Dotsie's is like across her corridor. So even if she was to shout, the classroom is so loud. And there's three classrooms together that even if she was to shout, it would be too loud. But I don't think the teacher can leave. No. Because you'd constantly just be like a bouncer on the toilet door what

did you do today just monitored one in one out of the bog these four years it needs to be a dedicated job yeah oh maybe we should put it to the government i don't think the government would i think i'll go for it no thought was there though yeah so let's go in with rolling on from the poo let's hit number two hey ladies me and my fiancee hey sexy ladies okay me and my fiancee have been planning to move in together for a while now we finally found the perfect home and after a month or so we were finally able to move in together i've moved an hour away from my family and friends i know that that's not very far, but it's still hard. Everything is perfect except for one little thing. His sister and her two children, ages one and three, moved in with us the same weekend that I moved in. I love his sister and two kids, but it's very difficult. Me and my fiance are trying to start our lives together and this situation makes things a little tough. I'm not a mother yet,

so I don't quite understand the struggles of motherhood but i want to help her out as much as possible to either of you have any advice for someone new to mothering children or any advice on how to cope with two children that aren't mine again i have to say i love these children and i want to help as much as i can thank you in advance anonymous wow god bless her that's a tricky one that is a really tricky one that's a lot yeah so they bought the house together yeah she's moved away from her family and friends so i'm wondering whether it's where her fiance is from that she's moved to yes but i'm assuming the house is they've rented it or bought it together because we finally found the perfect home yeah she hasn't moved in

with her fiance who's already living with his sister and the two children, and she's now moved into their space. Yeah, it sounds like they've moved in, but I don't know for what reason, but for now it seems like his sister and the two children are living with them. Which is a lot. Not only have you moved away from your family and friends, you've moved into a house with your fiance for the first time,

and you've also got another woman in the house, being his sister. And two toddlers, basically. And two toddlers. A baby and a toddler. Wowzers. That's a lot. Crumbs toddlers, basically. And two toddlers. A baby and a toddler. Wowzers. That's a lot. Crumbs.

Yeah. That's a lot for anybody. First of all, are you okay? Yeah. I think that's the really important question to ask here because that's a whole lot to deal with and I really hope you're looking after yourself. Yeah. Because I don't know if I'd be able to deal with that okay, being in that situation.

It doesn't say whether the situation is temporary with the or permanent the sister and the children living with them but um if it is then it's a really hard one to give advice on isn't it because i can it's hard because i don't know whether to speak on from the sister's point of view or to speak from her point of view yeah because the sister also might be feeling like i don't want to impose on your like your newly moved in life together with me and my two children which those are hard ages as well one and three she'll be feeling a little bit uncomfortable I'm sure and she's probably not wanting you to do too much because she'll be feeling like it's not your responsibility yeah she's moved in yeah I mean

it's lovely to be supportive and it's nice that you say that you want to help out but yeah I mean they're not your responsibility they aren't no and that's a hard thing to sit here and say and i don't want anyone to take that in the wrong way but they aren't your responsibility no and i do feel like communication is big here yeah like i feel like you need to be communicating a lot with your fiancee yeah because then it's his responsibility to speak with his sister yeah to keep things down but also depends your relationship with her yeah and maybe offering her a hand rather than just stepping in yeah because she'll feel a little bit she might feel a bit awkward about that as well she might feel a little bit on edge and the fact that you're doing things or maybe you're picking toys up or you're doing

the washing she may seem like she's being a hindrance so sometimes maybe just communicating with each other definitely talk about it yeah i'm just gonna do do the washing up. Have you got any glasses or anything? Or I've not got anything to do. I was just going to go upstairs and do this or that. Is there anything I can help with? Yeah. Or if you're watching a film or so forth. Or if you're cooking dinner, you could say.

Yeah. Do the babies want anything? Should I cook for the babies as well? Yes. So I guess it's just about communication. Yeah. So one, not only respect your boundaries as a new person you know in your relationship with your fiance and your new surroundings yeah also to respect her depending

on how the how long the the arrangement is for yeah we don't know but just to respect each other because otherwise it could get really yeah nasty yeah but the fact that you are wanting advice on to what to do yeah i mean the fact that you even are being yeah like i thought you're thinking about it and you're wary of like doing too much or doing too little probably means that you're gonna do the right thing yeah you sound like you're a caring person yes but yeah i think you're right your fiance the fiance is key to this because he's kind of the middle he's gonna be the mediator between the two women so without wanting to be but it's hard because you want to be like all celebratory and be like oh yay we finally moved in together it's just your legs isn't it that's awkward as

well if you've got three other people in the house that's also something to consider so it's hindering I can imagine it is hard you know and again we can't speak because we don't need the situation that yeah everybody's in but it is it's hard for all of you and i think you you need to talk and i would be honest about that because if it's emotionally upsetting you i would speak and be honest about that yeah because you can't just pop to your friends yeah we can but it's a whole hour an hour away yeah i get that as well like i live about an hour away from my family and it's not like just it's not easy you can't just pop around like you're not going to bother doing that journey to just like oh yeah i've had nothing i'm gonna pop around my mum for a cup of tea don't really do that when it's an

hour away and it's really like you said it's really hard because if this is their house together that they pick together and she's also moved in on the same weekend that's tough isn't it yeah because they haven't had their time to like get settled and yeah yeah it's important that you and your fiance have your time together as well really really important hopefully the little ones are out sometimes and you can get a bit of peace and quiet just to watch a film or you know just walk around in your pants get see babies off the telly yeah you know god bless you that's a that's the situation yeah that's tough apologies we couldn't give any more advice on that one but i generally do hope that you are okay but your heart is in the right place and you're you seem to be such a caring person,

the fact that you're even questioning it. I'm sure you're going to do the right thing. I hope that you're all okay, but communication, I would say, is definitely key. And yeah, don't feel bad and don't put too much pressure on yourself to be responsible. And if you do want to escape it for a bit,

go, yeah. Go and stay with your family for a weekend or something. Yeah, yeah. No, as long as you've got somewhere nice to go, then yeah, definitely. But right, let's have our last secret, shall we? Number three. Number three. Hi, Soph and Emma.

I absolutely love your podcast. Thank you. Thank you. Here is a secret involving me and my best friend. Last year, we wanted to relive our youth and be 14 again. So we went to Cardiff to watch N-Dub. Shit. Come on. I can't tell you if it was good or

shit because because I was that drunk I don't actually remember seeing them. It really is like being 14 again. After drinking cherry Lambrini all day again to relive our youth we got back to our hotel room. I decided to eat a pot noodle to soak the alcohol up but it didn't work so there i am throwing up in the toilet and the shame doesn't end there i was hogging the toilet so my best friend decided to squat beside me in the wet room style shower because she needed a wee it was the longest piss she's ever had known to mankind she then slipped and landed in a puddle of her own piss i laughed so hard i couldn't this is absolute shambles i laughed so hard i couldn't control my drunken vomit we're both 30 with kids and i've never had a night away without them before i can tell let's just say that might not happen again. And the kids are coming with us this year.

Anonymous. Oh, I love that. That's like every story for when I was 14. It's perfect. The cherry Lambrini. Yes. The wetting yourself. The pot noodles.

The hug in the toilet. The hug in the toilet bowl. The drunken vomit. Mine was party in the park and I had sunburn. Oh, the sunstroke was so great. Add sunstroke into it. Oh, I love that. Spinners with the Lambrinirein yeah yeah oh man oh

god well um i'm glad to hear you're both okay i'm glad you had a nice time and i'm also glad that you won't be doing it again it's like a bonding session yeah pauline pauline power piss just take it river river nile i love friends that you're close enough with that they just feel like they can pop a squat next to you i'd pop a squat next to you do a long way i'm not really too bothered though i'm not no i'm not precious about that i'm really not so with this ladder i've got to be able to we anywhere do you know yeah you are um you have got the bladder of a gnat i've got no qualms about are you happy we and i will just say now i I can't stop the fart. The fart is horrendous.

And if I was shamed of anything right now, I'm blowing the roof off of our bungalow. Some of your trumpets in the morning have been off the charts. If you could hear them in the middle of the night, the 3 a.m. fart, whoa. Lucky Chris. I basically wake up the whole neighborhood. We're only a cul-de-sac

right we're getting a recording sleep recording i'll put my i'll put my ring camera in there you're bloody you have a heart attack the dog barked the other morning they're out in the conservatory they're shut out in the conservatory i farted so loud they heard it the dog thought someone was in the front door christ oh Christ. Oh, but I love that. Thank you for sharing that. Because there will be a lot of people in this position. It's the life of a mum, isn't it? I can relate.

That's the thing. Once you get a bit of time off, you're like, way. Once you get a bit of time off, we go wild. Yeah. Because it's very rarely that the mum gets any time off. You can't do it very often. You can't do it very often. But they've learned their lesson and they won't be doing it again.

I fucking hope you are. I hope you do it again. Yeah, I hope you do. I hope you do. Yeah. I hope you do it very often. You can't do it very often. But they've learned their lesson and they won't be doing it again. I fucking hope you are. I hope you do it again. I hope you do. I hope you do. Yeah. I hope you do it next weekend. So thank you for sharing your secrets this week. Everyone is welcome in the Secret Mum Club.

Please do share them with us. Honestly, we love them. You can email us hello at secretmumpod.com or we're secretmumpod on TikTok and Instagram. Have you lost your shit to end ups by trying to relive your youth or found some suspect souvenirs on the carpet then please let us know because we all know that sharing is caring and we'll see you on friday for another bonus episode on the secret mom club