Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Musical Beds

Episode Date: December 16, 2025

From co-sleeping and separate bedrooms to toddlers who always end up back in mum’s bed, Soph and Emma reassure one listener that “musical beds” is just part of early parenthood. Plus, festive overwhelm, food struggles with three-year-olds, and a clock-changing mum hack that might just change your life! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, this is the Secret Mum Club. I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. This podcast is a safe space for mums everywhere. A safe space to share our secrets. Because we all have secrets, don't we? We do, and as we know, sharing is caring. You don't even have to tell us who you are. You can keep that to yourself, you can be anonymous. And all those secrets can be serious or silly.

All secrets are welcome in the secret mum club! In the pub, in the club. Bustin out. Have to be careful about lifting up my arm's stay because I've got sweat patches. I've got them too, don't worry. If you see them on YouTube, don't judge me. I've had a very long and stressful train journey here this morning. Oh, it was. She was late.

It was 20 minutes late. Fucking absolute liberty. I was going to say it's unheard of for me to be late, but I was late sometimes before. But only like five minutes. Never 20 minutes. She's never late. 20 minutes. Well, you are sometimes, but then it's uncontrollable on the trains.

Oh, honestly. It was the first time Emma commuted today. I'm a proper commuter now. And the stress of knowing your train isn't going to get in on time is horrible. Yeah. Packed train, people standing in the aisles. I was going to see. I shouldn't have been.

in the panic of someone getting on. What was a reserve train seat? It was a free-for-all. Oh, okay. It was a free-for-all, but I had a ticket, but I didn't have a seat. So I had to just sit somewhere. Someone was meant to be getting on at a stop. It said, like, this is, this seat is taken from Bristol Parkway to London Paddington.

Oh. But no one turfed me out, luckily. But every time someone got on, I was like, you know, when you look really guilty. So when you sit in the cinema and you sit in the wrong seats, you want to sit close to the aisle and then you wait every time someone comes in. Yeah. They always come in the pitch black and you think, Where the fuck? Well, you went here earlier.

Don't look anyone in the eye. Not I mean, my popcorn. I got no shoes on. I'm reclined back. I'm ready. I've warmed the seat, farted in it. And now you want to take my throat. And I'm going to need a piss in 15 minutes.

I'm going to have to shimmy past you. It's going to be awkward. It was very awkward hearing people doing the seat negotiations because people were coming on and going, oh, that you're in my seat. And I think at that point you should be like, oh, sorry, I've got away with it for this long, but I should let you sit down because you've got the fucking ticket.

But if there was other seats, so I would have just sat somewhere else. Well, it was full, though. sat in the wrong seat, we're like, oh, it's like, it's a full train though. So, it was like they weren't getting out. Train politics. And then people are like, honestly, the train politics, stressful. Yeah. Also, I'm sorry to say, but people do smell. I sat next to two smelly people.

I don't think I've sat next to anybody smelly. I text Stefan. I think I'm a mouth breather, though. I don't think I really notice that people, yeah, I sleep with my mouth. Do you? Breathe through my mouth. I spend a lot of time through the mouth. in the mouth, in and around the mouth.

Do you sleep on the train? No. No. That's what you meant. No, no, no. I breathe through my mouth, so I don't necessarily breathe through my nose. So I just sit and I'm like, yeah, do you think people are like? Oh, no, I just can't sniff them.

This woman's mouth breathing next to me. Yeah, I text Stefan saying people smell and he said, this is why I upgrade to first class. What a wanker. What a dick. We love you, Stefan, but that's... I said some of us can't afford that, Stefan. The train ticket alone was expensive enough. Yeah, and first class really isn't that much of an upgrade on my train.

It's just leather seats. And if I'm honest with you, they're really uncomfortable. I didn't spend up my whole time doing this. Sliding down. Ma'am, where's your ticket? I know, I'm in first class. It's quite nice on DWR, because you get the single seat. Like, you don't have to sit next to anyone. It's just one, one seat. The GWR? Yeah, great Western Railway.

Oh, I'm South Western Railway. Oh, yeah. I'm going west, aren't I? West is best. Where am I going? South. Well, I live in the South, so everything's up from me. Well, you're going South on the way home. Yeah.

Yeah. Anywho's, so that was my first experience of commuting. It wasn't the best. I'll try and be on time next week. You've only got two now. We've only got this week's record and then we're in next week. And then it's Christmas. It's season four, bitches.

I know. Who's joining season four? I feel like a Kardashian. I'm not going to lie. Well, if you care I'm being late. Oh, yeah. Might not be. Who's joining season four?

I honestly feel like it's a reality TV show. I know. Season four. I wonder if we'll be in like season 30? Oh, I don't know. Down the line. How old do we be then? 60.

How old will we be? Well, is it a season every year? Yeah. Oh, okay, in that case then. We'll be 60. We'll be 60. We'll be 60. We're nearly 40.

So we will be nearly 60. 50 something. Oh, crumbs. Would you go till that long? No, we'll be over 60. I'm planning to retire at like 45. I'm planning to retire next year. I'm going to have retired. This is my only job now. Retired at 37, like a footballer.

This was retirement. That was retirement. Like an athlete. I just can't do it anymore. Can't do those early mornings. I've had my first week of no early mornings. If you could do a job now, what would you do? Like what would be your absolute dream of all dreams? I know you've got a degree. My dream job was probably the job I just gave up. Oh, that's fucking awkward. Yeah, I'd like to. Would you go into now like a maybe like a local radio station? No, I mean, really, like, the job I just did was what I wanted to do, really. So, quite a hard one to, uh, I know, to give up.

Move across the country. That was silly, wasn't it? Um, no, I think, no, that really was, like, the job I always wanted to do. But, um, other things obviously, like, outweigh that now. Is there anything else you'd like to do? Not really. Like, in a coffee shop? No.

I don't want to be customer facing. Okay, so the choices are very limited. Work from home. Don't speak to anyone. I thought you wanted to get a second job to this. No, I am, no, but I'm looking for like similar to what I had before. Yeah, so you're being with a local radio, do you think, like a Welsh. Yeah, I'm, I had a productive work meeting yesterday. Did you?

Which might lead to something. So, yeah, I'm still looking at like radio, radio news reading, bit presenting maybe. On the television? No, on radio. God, no, face for radio, I never want to be on telly. It's funny when you work in radio, people always think you want to work in telly. So people are like, when are you going to be on TV? And I'm like, oh God, God, no. Stefan does some tell he does.

I wouldn't want to be on TV. But what's annoying now is they've brought cameras into radio studios and podcast studios. So you kind of have to be on camera anyway. Yeah. Which is, you know. Because there used to be clips of Absolute, didn't there? Yeah. Yeah.

On socials. Yeah. But that's why I have to put makeup on now because, you know, I can't be letting people see my makeup free face. Can't be your little mild. Gosh, you should see me on the school run. I don't wear makeup though. But you look alright without it, I don't. Like a ghost.

I do have a fake tan on, though. Yeah. Just my face. When I put my hands to my face. I think that's key. The match is off. Yeah. The match is off.

Yeah. There was also sad news on the radio as well. What? Oh, Jordan and Perry are stepping down from Kiss. Did you hear that? I should know that. That's my old company. I really have checked out since I've really moved to Wales.

You really have. Oh, are they? Yeah, they have. Maybe because they knew I was leaving the building. They said, do you know what? We're not going to see her every morning making her tea now. We think we're going to step away. They've got the biggest diversity tour they've ever done today.

Are they still going? Next year. Yes. Wow. Still massive. Like it's all over myself. Obviously, I enjoy watching it so it always comes up. But yeah, they've stepped down from Kiss.

What'd you be sad? I actually really, really love them on Kiss Radio. Yeah. I wonder who's going to do Kiss breakfast now. I don't know. So now's your, this is my moment. I don't think so. Emma, I struggle reading this.

This is why you read out all the correspondence. Do you know what? I could never do Kiss because I would hear it playing in the building sometimes and be like, what is. this music. I wouldn't know. Oh, I'd love the tune. I wouldn't know anything. Love the tunes. But from Kistory. I'd be all right at Kistri. But like new music, I'd be like such a grandma. Who is this artist? Anyway, get that crap off. Yeah. Back to me. Yeah. I didn't have turned it into a podcast episode. Yeah, they'd be like too much chat. Yeah. You can only talk for

like 15 seconds at a time. Yeah. Go, go. Yeah. How's your week being? To be fair, I feel like I'm on a little bit of a um come down no uh yes and no but you i've got really no time to come down because i'm up i'm up and i need to stay up because we've not got long to the big day not my wedding obviously jesus's birthday jesus's birthday yes jesus we've got a lot of talk on jesus if you want to know about jesus stay tuned get back to last week's app i've got a follow up we have I've got a follow-up in my secrets, actually. The end of school... We've got a lot.

Dotty joined the choir, so she not only has a school choir production, she has a nativity production. She's got three days of nativity, two days of choir. She's also doing a walk to another school to perform her choir performance for the preschool. She's doing that.

So her sketch is rammed. She's rammed. We're also trying to get her ice skating in and make sure she's on top of that. But we'll also do a festive ice skating where she wants to go around to as many ice rinks as possible, like Battersea. Oh, like the open-air ones.

Yeah, she wants to do that. She did, unfortunately, tell me that she'd really like to do the Paris one now that we're not in Paris. Right, too late, hon. So may have to just pop back there for a day, you know, do a bit of skating. Colby's got a lot.

He's in the school production, well, it's not really a school production when they're in Year 5. What do they do? It's just a singing. They don't dress up. So you go in and watch the Christmas special. So we're in school watching that.

We've obviously got Colby's football, but they're having Christmas parties. Yeah. So we've had Christmas. parties for both his football teams. Then he's got his friend's birthday. We've just had his friend's birthday. And then football games.

Like every day is a day. I can't imagine. Every day is a moment. With three kids and older ones as well. Like we've got one in preschool and the schedule is lit. Throwing in also, Dottie's got a dance production for her dance school. So if it's not trying to be at my nieces and my nephews games, parties, celebrations, nativities, where they want to be.

also navigating in my own three we've just had Chrissy's birthday Colby's had a birthday party to go to we need to remember Christmas cards because all the children are now sending Christmas cards and I'm like fuck we've got to do them back it's not until someone sends me one that I'm like

oh shit I better send one back and then they just keep flooding in I said goddam why you've got to be so popular why have so many friends and Dottie went to me they're not all my friends mum but we get told by the teacher that we should write them for every child

which is so fair So fair. So I bought 10 cards for her friends and in fact I needed 30. So I had to go out and get more. While also trying to just get presents underway, make sure that I've covered everybody. I've started eating the contents of my freezer. I feel like Shamu, like a beached whale, because I'm eating the contents of my freezer. To make room.

And let me tell you as well, everyone's bought out the festive snacks. There's fucking nothing left. I've got nothing left, Darren. There's nothing in the shop. There's new festivities. Oh, everyone's stocked up already. Oh, that's what I'm supposed. Oh, everyone's celebrating early.

Yeah. So I've got to get food underway. I've got to make sure that I've done nothing. Have you finished your Christmas shopping? Yes, Christmas shopping is finished, but now I'm on the food. I'm now on the food and I can't store it. I'm having to check things that are in Selby date before, after Christmas. Yeah.

You've done really well. You're so organised. Everyone, I'm drowning. I've done nothing. Christmas, I haven't even brought presents. Joseph can't tell me what he wants. I say, it's obviously like,

not even one. Not even one. But your whole family to buy for. Yes. Do you buy for the adults then? No. No. We just buy for the children.

Well, I say that we buy for the children and then I find it really bad that I don't. And then I end up Dubai and I have bought for my sister James, Chris. Oh, you're like my mum. We agree. Like just the kids now. Okay, no adults. And then I'll turn up on Christmas Day and she'll have a pile of presents me. I'm like,

I'm 37. And then every year my sister tells me off. She says, you told me you weren't going to buy for me. And I said, just a sneaky one. Just saying, Little to tickle your toes, you know. Yeah, you're naughty. Trying to have been by some board games in the sale,

Black Friday's sale, so I'm packed up for board games for Christmas Day. We've sorted out the plan where we're at Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, boxing day. What you're doing? Who's doing Christmas dinner? I'm not doing Christmas dinner, I'm doing picky bits. So me, Roxanne, the boys and the babies are at mine this Christmas.

Richie's with his wife's family. But we're going to also do a celebration on Christmas Eve to do presents with Richie. So he can do his presence with the baby. They can do their presence with him. So we've got that. And then Boxing day, we've got no one. Just on your own, just your family. Just our own individual families.

So Richie and Amy, they'll be on their own. Roxanne and James and the babies, they'll be on their own. Me, Chris, and the babies, we're on our own. How do you feel about that? Really excited. Yeah. Because I feel like it's not something that we ever do without feeling guilty for it.

So we can have all of our time together. It's going to be so special. and we're all just be able to sit with our really full cups in our pants. Boxing day when you've had all your presents you can like play with the new things, wear your new clothes. Bubble and squeak, honey. I'm just ready for the bubbling squeak, the buffet.

Get me them re-fried sprouts of a fried egg on them. Honestly. Next day potatoes and pickles and pickles. I prefer that to Christmas dinner. I'm doing a buffy. I might not get a bubble and squeak. Oh no. Shit the bed.

No left over meat. Are still going to do a turkey? No. No. I was just thinking like sandwiches. Yeah, loads of oven bits. Yeah, oven bits. Yeah, party food.

Yeah. That and Prosecco, oh my God, there's nothing better. I know, but I feel like I need an extra fridge. Yeah. I can't store at all. Have you got a bit at all, like, fridge? Yeah, but that's like every day. I know.

We've realised we're spending so much more on food now. And I think it's because we've got a big fridge. We feel like we have to fill it. Yeah. Big fridge, big freezer. So every time we go to the shops, it's a big shop. I think I'm spending like just hundreds of pounds every time I go to

It's actually a disgusting amount of money That goes on food now It's actually really terrifying And my kids are eating loads now And I'm realising when people say Like kids eat you out of house and home I'm realising now that that is a true thing Like their appetites are insatiable at the moment

Do you know something I've tried to do Since being in the new house We do have a local shop And it's somewhere that I can actually walk to So I'm not unfortunately Unless it's a takeaway not using deliveroo as much because I feel like I really abused. I was a premium customer, well, platinum, I would say, for delivereroo,

still trying to hold my crown in title by delivering wingstop. But I'm trying to make a conscious effort of making sure that I walk to the shop every day. Yeah. And I buy a meal every day for dinner. And I buy the meal, cook it. So I've got no food waste. Sometimes we've got a little bit of leftovers for the next day. But I'm buying exactly what I need.

Yeah. And I've actually saved myself hella money. Really, because people say when you shop, which is what we did in London, we shopped like meal to meal, just like convenience stores and stuff. And I was like, oh my God, this is most expensive way to do it. Now we live Rurally, we have to go big Tesco or nothing. Like there's no local supermarket. You can't just be like, oh, I've run out of milk or go to co-op. We set ourselves something.

I think I'm spending more now. Do you? Yeah. I think I spent more because also I used to buy stuff that I wouldn't need because I'd be browsing around the shop. I'd fill up on loads of shit that I don't need. Yeah. When the Chris run out, I write myself a little list, milk, Chris. and that's all I go to the shop for

if dinner's already in place but we set ourselves a challenge like we are Chris will say cook this but you've only got 10 pound it's like ready to steady cook yeah and I really like coming back with the receipt

yeah it's a really fun thing to do and also I'm taking cash out of my bank and I'm leaving it at home for like we have £100 for food a week and I put it in the top draw and we take it out of the yeah we take it out of the draw that's a good idea because when you're tapping away

it just doesn't feel like real money is it And I have to leave the card at home. I've deleted it off of my wallet as well. Have you? Since August, since I've had it in the new... Some places you can't even use cash. Have to be careful about what you spend. Take Chrissy with me then.

He holds the real card. If I'm going to do big things. Yeah. But I know my shop takes cash. Yeah. Yeah. It's clever. Yeah.

It's a new way of life. And then I say to him, this is my list of shopping. He's 20 pound. Don't go outside the budget. If you do, something's got a sacrifice. I'd be so panicking about like being in the shop and it being like 20 pound and five And you're like, oh, I only live two minutes where I literally just take the bags home and then go back. They probably know you.

Be like, I'll give you the 5P tomorrow. Yeah. Yeah. We are saving on takeaways because we can't get any takeaways. So we're not doing like, deliveroo, no Uber Eats, nothing like that, which we used to do quite a lot. So we'll say we're saving on that. But it's a whole new. A whole new one.

A whole new way of life there, honestly. It's fun though. It is fun. Yeah. No, I am enjoying it. Some things not so much. Like I had a day the other day where I was like wanted to punch someone in the face all day. Pack and leave.

trying to get a repeat prescription from my doctor and they were like, oh, we need whatever from where you last came from. I said, oh, I've got it on the NHS app. Like, does that count? Because it's England to Wales. Nothing has translated. So she was like, have you still got the paper bit of your prescription? I said in 2025, the paper bit of a prescription. I haven't seen a paper prescription for about 15 years. Oh, I have paper prescription. Are you joking? No. I said, I literally have it on this app. And she was like, that's not going to be good enough. So what you're going to have to do is phone your old GP. As soon as she said that, I thought, Fuck off.

Fuck this. I'm out. Fuck you, love. Phone, your old GP. I'm going to be on the phone all day. I said, I can't speak to them until 2027. I said, no, forget it. I haven't been on my medication for about a week.

Oh, for your thyroid? Yeah, for my thyroid that I meant to be taken every day. That's actually really bad. Because getting it is proving to be such a fucking nightmare. Can you not just go visit the doctor here while you're up here? Well, I'm not. I've de-registered from that one, but systems didn't speak to each other. Right.

So I'm now registered the new GP. You've actually moved country. Yes, this is the thing. So actually England to Wales is like so much more difficult than you think. Like if you, it's a whole new country. If you move GP in England, you just register a new one and you're automatically like not your old one and your files should be shared. But now I'm at a GP in Cardiff, but they don't have my files. So I had to like get them to email them, request to have them emailed across.

I was just like, admin like that really makes me want to kill someone. Makes me want to murder people. And then that same day, I parked outside the school. Oh, you got to get it. Nautily. No, I wasn't on double yellows, but I was half on the curb. And a guy was like, you can't park there. And he went, well, if everyone did that, it would be chaos. I said, well, I'm not on double yellows. He said, well, you are half on the curb. God, Emma, it was going really well.

I said, okay, fine, I'll park it down on the road then. So I'm not on the curb. He said, people won't be able to get through then. I said, there's more than enough for him there. I'm going to be 30 seconds. He said, you can have to move your car. I was like, take a deep breath. It was all going so well for you. I was like, this is what it's like living in a small community. Everyone says it's all cutcy but no. It's only lasted a month. The admin's a fucking night there. How long have you been there now?

It's been a month, yeah. Cutie buttootie. It is cutty butto. I was like, can everyone just get off my ass? And I had to park really far away. It's going well, but some elements of small village living are not. And is there much there? Have you got a Zara there?

Oh, God, no. Not in the small town. This little town. Oh, God, no. That's where the school and the nursery are. Right. Okay. There's a waitrose.

There's a co-op. There's a Tesco. Waitroses. That's bourgeois. see. Wow. There's a spec savers, you know, all the big, all the big names. That's pretty huge for you, though.

Yeah. Yeah. Did you use spec savers when you're up here? Yeah. So I've registered there now. But yeah, it's just like, you know, a little high street. For proper shops, you'd have to go in. Oh, I love that, though.

No, it is cute. So a few teething issues this week, but otherwise pretty happy. A few things that have made me want to punch someone, but apart from that, we're all good. And have you got your tree up? No. So, I still haven't found time to do the tree. We have to do it this week. It's two weeks till Christmas.

Yeah. you really have to do it. It's barely going to be up. Do you want my tree? Not my one in my house. I've got one in the loft. Take you back on the train for me. Yeah.

Oh, pack up your trouble. No, we need to do it. I keep saying to Stefan, we're just going to have to do it when the kids are in school and nursery and just get it done and be efficient. I would have just kept it down. What, not have one? No, do you go have a real one or fake one? Real one.

Oh. Yeah, yeah. I was going to say, I would have just kept it up. I kept mine near the hatch when we moved. Yeah, it's clever. So that I could get it out and then I did go and buy another one, though. No, Stefan wants a real one. I bought a whole new tree.

Yeah, from B&M. Yeah, I did. Yeah, I did. But it's there, case I won another tree. Might want two trees next year. Anyway, we need to do that this week, so stay tuned. But Stefan was like, I'll be a cute thing to get the kids involved. I was like, fuck that.

We've left it too late. We're just going to have to go out and do it. And when they come home from school, it would just have to be there. And we'll be like, magic. Why don't you? Can you please do the little tree where they water it and then overnight? You could hide it in the garden. And then overnight they water it.

Oh, and then it's a big one. they water it before they go to bed and then when they wake up it's a big tree you think I put time to do that though I can't even buy a normal size tree yeah you'd have to buy two trees I'm just gonna have to get it down just get a little one when you're there and just buy when you're going to get the big one and little one

and just put it in the garden and leave it out there stop them out and then just get them the babies to water it put some polar express pyjamas on them that would be magical as fuck yeah yeah he would like that do you want me to come down and do it I'll have a whale of a time I haven't got time for cute ideas

too busy Oh, bless your heart. Well, it seems like it's been two very different weeks. I just need to get that off my chest. I'm glad. It's a safe place. We can all share our shit here. Yeah.

Share away, my honey. So Emma and I really want to hear from you. Yeah, we want you to join us in the Secret Mum Club. You're all welcome. You can share your secrets with us. Respond to what we've been talking about or just say, hello. You can find us on TikTok and Instagram. Just search Secret Mumpod or you can email us hello at secretmompod.com.

It's time for the Correspondence Coroner. Get me out of here. Get me the fucking out of here. Right, Emma, take it away, honey. All right, this one says, Hi, ladies, Abby from Florida here. Hello, Abby from Florida. And I wanted to give you an update on sweet baby Safina.

Do you remember this? Yes. How could you forget? How could you? I was going to say, how could I forget? Oh, my gosh. Oh, Safina, honey, I hope you're well. Stop it.

Okay, so it says my girl has officially turned one. I can't believe how fast this year has gone. She's thriving, 24 pounds. What is that mean? Oh, gosh. That's like, nearly two stone? Two. Well, how many pounds are in a stone? 14.

Oh, she's good. I'll bet she's delicious. 29 inches long. Oh. In a man's world. And almost 17th. Oh, Safina, you babe. Not quite walking yet, but very confident standing on her own.

and you'll appreciate this. The Safina Jolene jingle you sang in that episode has become a staple in our house. Yes. My oldest, Gavin, four, sings it constantly and puts everyone's names into the song. I'm still a faithful listener and can't explain how much gratitude and love I have for you both.

Being a single mom of three under four is not for the faint-hearted, but I wouldn't change my life. Love you ladies lots. Abby from Florida. And there's some pictures in there. I don't know. Am I going to cry? Probably.

Right. Right. You're ready. I'm going to scroll. Oh my gosh Oh look at a little pig tails I feel like we need to compare baby photos to me I feel like Safina's really living in my shoes

Does she look like you? No but I was a cutesy buttootsie And my mum used to put my hair like this Oh did she and the little I just can't deal with it look how big she's got I know She's so delicious and beautiful Look at a little dimple on her chin

I know Oh I just can't cope with her Look at her little tongue Oh she's absolutely Oh my god Her little teeth I know She's eating a banana

Oh Oh my gosh Baby Safina There was no one more perfect To take the name You're handling it great honey Oh God I can't Our little shoesy

She's getting ready though She's getting ready to go Abby Yeah it looks like she's up on that one knee Yeah Oh that has filled my heart With so much joy Oh, Abby. What a beautiful day it is there as well.

Florida, mate. Floider. Always sunny. Is it sunny all year round? Sunshine State. Maybe I should just relocate. It looks really nice there, isn't it? Relocate to the Sunshine State.

Oh, thank you so much. And I hope all the other babies are doing well. I know, three under four. And everyone's excited for Christmas. Oh, gosh. So adorable. Stunning. Stunning.

I'm jealous of the pigtails. I'm waiting until I can get Sadie's up. Oh, shit. She's not got in hers up yet. She's all curl at the back, though, isn't she? All curl at the back. And if I put a, if I put a pony at the back, she looks like a, like a wrestler. Does she?

Yeah. That's not. Bless her up. Rennies is all curly at the back. We need one on top. Yeah. But anything I put in, like a little, like I tried to put in a little, like, slide or clip, she just pulls out.

Yeah. She's not ready for that life. She's got beautiful amount of hair. I know. I just can't stop. I just can't stop looking at her little face. She's just absolutely cutsy-sie-buttochee. She looks so happy, doesn't it?

So happy. Oh thank you Abby so much Sending you all the love and all the world So you can get in touch with us on anything at all Yeah it can be serious or silly And you can be totally anonymous Because between us we have probably heard it all before And remember

We're all in this together And we know that we are We're all stars and we see that I always feel like I want to be like We're all in this together Oh it reminds me of I'm a celebrity when they were doing Lisa and Ginge were doing the bus driver. Take me to bingo.

I was thinking of Tom's accents. He was so good like a cockney-eager, wasn't it? Margarita pizza, alipinos. Two curry sauce. Two curry sauce. He's done such a great accent. Yeah. So good.

I couldn't believe it. It was actually so good that his normal voice actually sounded fake. Yeah. Can't believe he actually. But Lisa Riley and Ginge in the jungle were everything. Yeah, I loved her. Oh, I just loved it. It was so much.

The pranks, putting the stones in his bag. It was too much, honestly. I miss it. Yeah, I do too. I said to Stefan, he didn't even watch it with me and I was like, what am I going to watch now? Oh, go back and re-watch it with Stefan. Relive it all over again.

Right, here is my secret of the week. It's not really much of a secret, but I need you. I need you to keep a fucking secret. Because if she finds out about this, I am fuck-a-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-a-d-d. I'm really fucked. D-E-A-D. So if you haven't listened to last week's episode, So you need to go back and listen.

Because entered the chat was Tiny Jesus. Oh, yeah. Tiny Jesus, mini Jesus, baby Jesus. However you want to look at this Jesus, he entered our family. And we are taking pride in place of Jesus. He's been baptized. He's seeing a lot of the world. And when I brought him to London last week, I told you all that I said to Dottie,

I couldn't find baby Jesus. So Dottie brought him back from Paris. He, we risked everything. Not only to get him off of this bridge in Paris. he came round the whole of Paris he got on the Euro star he came back he is now in Southampton

with us in our home Pride and Place in Dottie's bedroom she instilled installed all her trust into me to look after Jesus as we were going through is it customs yeah were they like anything to declare

you're like got baby Jesus in my back I brought Jesus back with me Jesus is coming home so no I put him in my rucksack we travelled back so forth

Dotty went to sleep, didn't ask any more about Jesus. So the next day it was obviously coming here to record. So Dotty woke up in the morning and went, Mum, have you found Jesus? I obviously wanted to share Jesus with all of you. So I left him in my rucksack and I said to her, I didn't take, I don't know where Jesus is at the moment, but I promise you, I'll find him when I get home.

Obviously he was in my rucksack because they brought him up here to share him with. So she had a whole day without him? Whole day without Jesus, right? Bear in mind, Jesus now is in her school bag. She takes Jesus to school He comes home Then he sits on a shelf Like we are really

Investing a lot of love into Jesus And he's just this tiny little Again if you haven't seen him We need to go back and watch Tiny Jesus So I brought him to London Brought him here Went into the school run

Pick them up And she went to me Mum I've been so worried all day Have you found Jesus And I went Look in my rucksack She went into my rucksack And she went

Oh my gosh He's here She went Thank goodness you didn't take him to London. I went, what? She went, I am the one that is going to show Jesus London, so you can't take him to London.

She wanted to do it first. She went, you didn't do it, did you? No. Don't, don't. I said, no, I didn't. It's on camera and on mic, though. So, or if she finds out. Well, she won't until.

She's 17. She doesn't have social media. She's seven. Does she ever scroll? No. Like on your phone. No, no, no, gosh. No, never ever scroll through.

But you know, that fear is absolutely in my vagina that one day she's going to watch this back and go, oh, fucking knew it. What if it brings her childhood trauma? Yeah. So I've now taken him to London, showed him, not really much. I only showed him, you know, the studio. Yeah. Well, I didn't get him out my pocket, no. But I did point blank lie to my daughter's face and tell her that I did not take him. She went, well, where did you put him in the car? He stayed in the car at the train station all day. She went, it's really irresponsible of you to leave Jesus in the car. You lost him, yeah. And I said, I know, but I thought, it would be really irresponsible for me to take him to London.

And she literally went to me. Can't do you right for doing wrong, really, Mum, can you? I'm really glad you agree with me there, Doc. No, I can't do right for doing wrong. I must say that far too much in the house. I think you've said the right thing. So what I need is for us all collectively to keep the secret between us. If anybody else me, I will come for you, find you,

and I will make you responsible for baby Jesus. And you will have to look after baby Jesus. Do you not tell you? But also it has become very apparent. The baby Jesus isn't very, I was going to say, isn't very special. He's very special to us. He's not unique. He's not unique.

No. He is actually, she did take a show and tell at school, to which there were children at school that told her that there is a bowl at church that they go to that has loads of the baby Jesus is in. I'm just glad I didn't sit and watch her heart be shattered into a million pieces because I can imagine that destroyed herself. She thought he was the only one. She thought he was the only one and that she'd found Jesus.

And they're just mass-produced on like Amazon. I think so. I think they're like as you're leaving the church, maybe. You can take one with you? Yeah, but I think it's an avid thing for the church. And I think they all have different colour sashes. So, yeah, she was a little bit sad about that. She did come home, she'd come out of school and she was like,

you're never going to believe what's happened to Jesus today. There's more than one. What I can't, and I never ever, I'm not in any way. We're not mocking anyone's religion or anything like that. I don't want anyone to think I'm doing that because I would never do that. But it obviously comes up. now that he is just an avid member of our family, Jesus. So it'll be like, oh, you didn't make anything for Jesus for dinner.

I'm like, oh, shit, sorry. So we've now taken one of her teeny tiny LOL plates. And I just cut like a tiny bit of broccoli and a tiny little bit of chicken. And he now just sits at the table with us. He goes everywhere. She dropped him down the toilet. She was like, don't flush. And I was like, you've dropped him in your wee.

I'm not getting him out of your wee. You get him out. And she's like, I'm not touching him. He's your Jesus. And then she'll go out of the toilet and she'll go, Chris, she'll go, Dad, Mom won't get Jesus out of the toilet. And I'm like, and then she'll go, Jesus is covered in wheat. Oh, it's become a very... He really does go everywhere with her.

She's taking it seriously. I dread the day that before we lose Jesus. I will be going to every church known to mankind. At least you know you can get them though. I don't know if I can just order them on Amazon and just get a big bag and leave him in the loft. But if they've got a different colour sash... Well, at least you know they exist now. So if it goes missing, it's not the end of the world.

When I tell you, Dotty loves hard, she loves hard. And she falls hard and fast. She falls really hard and far. And it was Jesus. So yeah. She did ask if we could get Mary and Joseph. But I just said, oh, I don't know. I don't know enough to know if, can we get a mini Mary and Joseph?

I'm sure if you Googled it. You can get like a manger. And I did say to her, why don't we get like a, you know, like a, you can get like a wooden, Bethlehem. Is it Bethlehem? The stable. Yeah. And you can have the three wise men in there, Mary Joseph, Jesus in the manger.

Yeah. So I said, why don't we get one of them? She went, oh, it's not the same. They have to be rubber. Oh. Because Jesus is rubber. Yeah. Yeah.

She did burn one of his hands, so he trying to use him as an eraser. Is he a rubber? Is it a rubber? Does it double up as a rubber? He didn't work, but she did burn his hand off. And now she's like, oh, gosh, I've really hurt Jesus. We did put a plaster on him, though. So do you think when she brings him to London, he's,

He's going to be like, say it all before. No, I don't think he's going to tell her. I think you'll keep it. He'll be like, oh wow. I'm going to have a conversation with him tonight and say, listen there, big guy. Keep this secret. Tina guy. Keep this to you and me, big man.

So yeah, prepare for lots of cheeses. Yeah, if you can. I'm asking you dearly if you can all keep a secret for me because if this ever comes out, I don't know that I can deal with her little face. She was actually generally so, so ready to cry. There was water in her eyes. She was like, you didn't take him to London, did you? No.

Should, before I answer, should I have? No, I would. Okay, I didn't. I didn't take him. I would never do that to you. Maas hasn't seen him. Norse Rosie. Yeah, who's Jesus?

And she's off of you, I can say she hasn't actually met Jesus. Yeah, she wasn't here. So, act surprised, guys, when you see Jesus, please. So there you go. That's my secret of the week. And after the break, we're going to get into some of yours. Hopefully, your Jesus is a safe. We've got three secrets from me we're going to be discussing this week.

So, Emma, let's have secret number one. Hi, Sophie and Emma. Hello. I'm 24. My fiancé is 30 and we have a little boy who is 15 months old. At the moment, we're sleeping in separate rooms simply because our little boy still sleeps in our room and usually ends up in bed with me. There's just not enough room for all of us, so my fiancé goes into our son's room. Is this common in the early years?

Is it something we should be worried about? No. Emma need to take the stage on this one. I think I just need reassurance that we're not doing anything wrong. Thank you, Colette Essex. Colette, honey. There's no right or wrong. There is no right or right.

Do what works for you in your family. Me and Stefan are advocates of sleeping in separate beds, although actually we have reunited now that we're in the new house. Now there's more space. Now there's more space. But Sadie normally ends up in bed with us every night. And it's just more comfortable. if somebody goes into the spare room because there's just more room.

And I think you've got to do what you've got to do to get the most amount of sleep. I'd be lying if I sat here and said that if Colby has a bad dream, that I don't go and try and calm him down, he's nine. I try and calm him down and then I'll nod off in his bed. Yeah. I end up sleeping in the bed of my own. Yeah. Or Dotty will climb into my bed.

So I'll get out of my bed to go into her bed. Yeah. It's like musical beds in the night, isn't it? And sometimes you're playing a good musical bed. Yeah. You can get a good session on. Yeah. When you're like, in one bed out the other, shake it all about to the yokey,

I wake up in the morning and I'm like, which room I'm going to find everyone in? Sometimes I wake up and I'm like, where the fuck? Oh yeah, I'm here. I'm here. Stefan had Sadie last night because I was working this morning and he tried to bring her into our room and I open one eye and I went, get in the spare room right now. I said, do you think you're coming in here with her? Get next door. So they were next door.

Joseph was in his bed. I was in my bed. But Joseph's got a floor bed now. So if he's having a bad dream, someone will jump in there with him. I mean, it's just you've got to do what you got to do. Do you know what we'll miss it one day. I know. And I tell myself this all the people.

time. It's when I don't know where I am in the pitch black and I walk into a bed and that's a bruise on the shin. That has all I can say. But no, I also as well, we are, we were, we practice co-sleeping with Renly safe safe co-sleeping. Yeah. When he was a baby, Renly was the only one that co-slept with us in between the pair of us. And again, sometimes Chris would get out or I'd get out. So it was from the get go with Renley. But the other two, yeah, we're just in and out. Yeah. In and out. Yeah, Sadie's a coat. Like she really, she really. She's angling to be in our bed at the earliest point possible

and I try and drag it out like she could wake up at 11, 12, 1, 2, 3 I'm like if it's before 5 I'll try and keep her in her own bed because I do want my own bed back at some point but your little boy's only 15 months old honestly like there's no rush You'll get the hand of it

When you wake up and their little face is right there and you just think oh It is lovely in the morning When they wake up and she's like Mummy she'll be like hello mummy Or they stroke like Renly strokes my hair like strokes it out of my face oh I can't get enough no make the most of it I know it is hard sometimes and sometimes you just think oh my god I just want to go to bed with my partner and like

wake up in the same bed I get it but it's not it's a short phase of life yes and it's not it's not uncommon it's not uncommon it's not forever we're all doing it yeah yes so thank you sending you all the sleeping wishes in the world that you get a good night's sleep at least once yeah this month Yeah. This year. Yeah. 2026 you can only hope for one night in your own bed with your partner. Yeah.

Okay, let's have secret number two. All right. This one says, Hello, ladies. I'm facing some food difficulties with my little girl, Isla, who turns three in January. She's refusing any cooked food and only wants snacks. If you have any advice or anything that helped, I would be so grateful. Love Asia from Dorset.

Completely resonate to this one. Yeah. And I say a fed child is a happy child. Dotty, even though. now we'll choose a sandwich dinner over a hot dinner. Yeah. She's very selective with her hot dinners. I would say we can count them on one hand as to what hot dinners.

Dotty will eat. But otherwise, she'll have toast. She'll have cheese on toast. She likes cheese toasty. That's the hottest like I can get if she's not having her standard. She'll eat a mini burger, but there have to be the M&S party food. So once that seasonal food is done with her, that's it. She won't eat those.

She can have it one month of the year. Pork noodles. Yeah. She eats pork. noodles homemade pork noodles which me and Chris make which has spinach in it and that's pretty much it she'll eat a little dishes it's a vegetarian little dish lasagna that's what she'll eat fish fingers but she won't have peas won't have chips won't have mash and oh maybe one more she don't like mac and cheese doesn't like chicken nuggets maybe a hot meal would be macdonald's that's probably

the only hot meals at dotty will eat lasagna no spag bowl no chili no jack potato no chips no vegetables, no. Dotty doesn't eat much and I think plain pasta she'll eat plain butter plain butter on it, plain butter pasta and that's what she'll have most nights and she is copy and paste

she'll go for a sandwich she'll go for a slice of toast maybe she'll have beans on toast but I just think it's not worth you getting yourself stressed about yeah I get really stressed about food and I would say just try not to every phase is so short

and they'll get over it soon enough Joseph would have beans on toast for every single meal if you could My family are always like, he's always eating pieces on toast. I'm like, yeah, because that's what I know he's going to eat. If I say to him, what do you want for lunch, what do you want for dinner? Beans on toast. I'm like, what a surprise.

I knew you were going to say that. I obviously try and give him a little bit more variety. But if you can creep from like snacks into like something and toast, that might be a nice little segue. But in terms of like hot dinners, like Dottie, if I sit him down with like a potato, a meat and a veg, he's like, I don't like that. Yeah. Yeah. No. Sausage and mash the other day.

He'll eat the sausages dipped in ketchup. Force the peas down. won't touch the mash. No. They've just got an aversion to certain things. I think it's textures as well. They don't like. Dottie just finds food far too overwhelmed.

She doesn't like the smell of meat cooking. So I'm very conscious. Have done for years. We've spoken about this before, haven't I, that she doesn't like sausages being cooked in the house. Can't stand a steak being cooked. She has to sit out of the room upstairs. And then I open all the windows so that she can eat with us at the table.

But nine times out of ten, me and Chris will have to wait. And people go, oh, you don't sit down as a family to eat. I have to wait. because I can't cook the meat because it doesn't make it makes her feel sick so I'd rather just eat my steak late or eat a sausage and mash late if it means that she's going to sit down

and eat with the other two but I sometimes think there's so much pressure for our child to be eating all these fandango food when in fact as long as they're eating it's the most important thing and you can do snacks in like a healthy way as well snacks doesn't have to be unhealthy

I was just about to say you could do fun shapes in the sandwich yeah fun shapes in the toast You do sandwich fruit, do some like carrot sticks, cucumber sticks, cheese. Any dippy bits? Yeah. A bit of a dipy dip. You can do it in like a, because I do that for Sadia bit as well.

She loves like a, I call it like, she loves like an antipasty. Yeah. Like before her dinner when she's starving and she's losing her shit. Yeah. I'll do like grapes, cheese, cucumber crackers. Like you can. Dots really loves a pepper with soft cheese. Oh.

Filly soft cheese. Yeah, nice. You can make it really fun. And I do like grapes because she likes cheese. So I do like, you know the olden day. back in the day when we'd have a cocktail stick pineapple and cheese yeah you do a grape and cheese yeah yeah so it's just finding out what works best for you and I think if there's things that she loves you can make fun things with that yeah yeah it doesn't have to be unhealthy stuff you can do

a full fat yogurt yeah a full fat Greek yogurt with honey I give Sadie because she loves a yogurt but I'm trying to give her like loads of sugar so yeah you can I wouldn't worry about it yeah I don't think you need to worry I think you're doing it absolutely perfect as you are And I think just as long as she's happy and she's fed, that's the most important thing. It goes to show all three-year-olds are the same. Am I right? Yeah. Am I right?

Am I right? Right, let's have our last secret. Okay, this says, hi girls, I have a secret and honestly, I'm not even ashamed. Oh, yes. My teens, 12 and 14, are terrible timekeepers. I'm always shouting at them up the stairs to hurry up. So to help combat this, I've started collecting phones at night time, and I've changed all the clocks in the house forward by five minutes,

so I always have a buffer. Genius. Even my partner doesn't know So when I shout We're late, quick, shoes on move up the stairs We're probably on time Love from Marnie Oh that's actually

That's not even anything to be ashamed of I used to know someone who did this My neighbour, she always had the clock in her car I don't even think this should be a secret Yeah I don't even think this is a life hackin This is mum hacking at its finest This is absolutely

Do you know what I'd even change the clocks forward So that I wasn't ever fucking late Yeah do another five, really Yeah Half an hour You're always early I am always early

But no I am I really love that Yeah That's actually really genius It is clever The only thing is your phone Would be off Because don't your phone

Follow Big Ben I think your phone Is like automatically sets the time Doesn't it Yeah Unless you don't You choose to

Can you choose to not have that option And you just set it yourself I've never be trusted I'd be living a fucking hour Ahead or an hour behind All the time I'd be confusing myself Like I'm bad enough

When the clock's change I'm like wait What time actually is it Like so if I changed All the clocks like Marnie In my mind, I'd be like, but hang on, are we early or are we late? I don't know what the actual time is. Like, that would fuck with my head too much.

Yeah, agreed. But I really love that, Marnie. I say share. I'm always late. So that'd be good for me. That would be good for you, although not so great if you're trying to catch a train. Yeah, because again, I'd be like, wait, whoa, what's happening? Oh, no, you would because you'd be early for the train, wouldn't you?

I feel like a time traveler, am I late, am I early, am I on time? Such a random film wasn't at the time traveler's wife? I didn't see it. Oh, I was thinking more like Dr. Who? Time travel. Never seen it. My kids can't tell the time though, so I can just be like, oh, this is the time. They're going to go. Yeah, they know. Yeah. Oh, I love that, Marnie. Thank you so much. Nothing to be ashamed of at all. No. I say, take that one. Copyright. Get your name on that one. Payton it. Don't let nobody else take that.

So thank you for sharing your secrets this week. Everyone is welcome in the Secret Mum Club. And if you'd like to share your secrets with us, you can. The email is hello at secretmumpod.com Or with Secret Mumpod on TikTok and Instagram. Are you going to keep my secrets safe? brother. Or do you have any mum hacks to share like Marnie? Then let us know there really is nothing too outrageous. Keep an eye out for our Thursday episode. And we'll see you next time on the Secret Mum Club!