Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The One Mile Club

Episode Date: August 5, 2024

Sophiena recounts her awkward train ride to the studio, where she got up close and personal with a couple engaged in some serious PDA. Steffan has taken birthday surprises to the next level for Emma, and we hear about one mum's new windowsill ornament. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We get it. Life gets busy. Luckily, with Peloton Tread, you can still get the challenging workouts you crave. Only have 10 minutes? Take a quick Peloton workout. Want to go all out? Chase down your goals with 20 to 45-minute Tread workouts. No matter your goals or time, Peloton has everything you need to become everything you want. Find your push. Find your power. Peloton. Visit onepeloton.ca ACAST powers the world's best podcasts.

Here's a show that we recommend. Halloween horror is about. This spooky season with these hair-raising podcasts. The Magnus Protocol. Catch you next time, dearie. No, you won't. After Dark. And with that, the curtain falls on the story of Anne Boleyn.

The Red Room. Exploring Irish ghost stories and haunted Irish history. Listen to these ACAR shows wherever you get your podcasts. ACAST helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. ACAST.com Hello, this is The Secret Mum Club. I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. Thank you. You can keep that to yourself. You can be anonymous. And those secrets... Secrets... It was going so well. And those secrets can be serious or silly. All secrets are welcome in the... Secret Mum Club.

So, guess what? What? This is officially our 100th episode. One hundred and. One hundred and one hundred! Can you believe it? We were going to go for 180. We'll have to do it when it's... That's a lot of episodes.

It's our centenary. Is that what it's called? When there's a hundred of something I think, yeah. It's called a centenary? Yeah. Is that right, Adam? Do you check the adjudicator? Is it called a centenary? Yeah. Oh, wow.

A hundred of anything, I think. I thought it was a century. Century is a hundred years, but like a hundred of... Oh, I would have just gone century. Well, it's our century. It's our century today. Can't believe that. That's wild, isn't it?

We've been here for ages. We've been here for a year now. A year. We've also done a hundred episodes. Yeah. We've been here for a year now. A year. We've also done 100 episodes. Yeah. We've birthed babies. Yeah. We've had two, this is now our two lots, we've had two lots of birthdays.

Yeah. Did we say that? Did I just say that? Am I losing my train of thought? Yeah, no, we've had our podcast birthday and our actual birthdays. Yeah, our actual birthdays. Sadie's not happy about it. Sadie's not happy about it.

It's because Renly's not here. We should have brought him for the celebration of the 100. She's not happy her bestie's not happy about it. Sadie's not happy about it. It's because Renly's not here. We should have bought him for the celebration of the 100. She's not happy her best friend's not here. He hasn't been here for a while, has he? No. Don't worry, she's not coming next week. You're not invited. You're uninvited.

Oh, okay. It's Wednesdays. We wear pink. On Wednesdays, we wear pink. How cute is the little tracksuit bottoms? I just can't handle... When I peeked in her pram this morning, I was like, oh, this is too much.

She's wearing joggers. It's so adorable. I know. Nanny got you those, didn't she? Literally every item of clothing is from Nanny. She wouldn't have any clothes if it wasn't for Nanny. I don't buy you anything, do I? How's your week been?

My week? My week has got nothing... No, this... I i cannot do you know what when i tell people the week the week's leading up to the end of school is truly wild hectic this is probably the busiest it has ever been i feel like i'm non-stop we've had sports day we've had summer fairs we've had school discos we've had books home we've had visit the classroom we've had summer fairs. We've had school discos. We've had books home. We've had visit the classroom. We've had meet the teachers. We've had truly so much that it's actually been a very overwhelming week. Yeah, this is the first time you've done end of school year with a baby, isn't it?

With a baby. And it's two end of schools, isn't it? Because what I didn't realise is I was like, why is it so hectic this year? Got another child at school. It's obviously Dotties as well. So we've had double the load. Yeah. Double the load.

Double the load and a newborn. Not going to lie, it's been a little bit stressful. Yeah. I have found myself drowning a little. Yeah. That's me drowning. What was the Sports Day saga? The Sports Day saga?

Did you get the wrong day for Sports Day or something? Oh, that's Colby's Sports Day. Yeah. So Colby's kept getting moved because of the rain oh okay and then chris goes to me oh it's 10 30 i thought oh do you know what he's gonna take all the babies on the score and i'm gonna have a little bit of a lazy morning plotted around plotted around the house and then chris come home and was like oh yeah i'm just gonna put the kettle on for some unbeknownst reason start going through his emails he thought i'll just check the email he He was like, Sabrina, we need to go.

It's 9 till 10.30, not 10.30 till... Whenever. 12. Oh, no. I'm not going to lie, I was a little bit livid. I could have probably checked the email myself and recapped on that. But I didn't. I put full blame on Chris.

Yeah, this is why I can't leave admin to Stefan. Because he's not... I have to leave something to Chris. My brain is overloaded. Honestly, I've got too much to think about. You've got to delegate, haven't you? And then we obviously did Sports Day for Dottie and for Colby. Sports Day, I remember Sports Day when I was a child

being like a very competitive time of the year. You're not allowed to do that anymore. No. No. No competing. It has to be very equal. It's the taking part that counts. It is the taking part.

You have to cheer all the children. Yeah. You're you have to cheer all the children yeah you're not allowed to we're not that you're not allowed but you you know it's you'll get some looks if you're just cheering your own child like come on yeah take those fucking ankles out that's you know you can't give that sort of energy no but that would have been my mum my mum would have been on the sidelines like threatening how did you how did you do at sports day Were you usually pretty good? Me? I was great at Sports Day. Yeah. I was quite athletic as a child.

Yeah. Gold medals all round. Yeah. All round Olympic. I'm surprised I'm not for GB, really. I'm surprised you're not on the Olympic team. Should have been. Should have been.

I missed an opportunity there. What would be your event? Oh, I don't know. I'm partial to a bit of synchronised swimming. Yeah. Yeah. Love that. Fascinating.

Truly don't know how they don't sink. But, you know, to give that a go or hold their breath for so long yes underwater and they wear that little peg don't they on their nose yeah any synchronized swimming it's swimming us let us know how you doing i think i would have been the runner yeah i think i would have been a track maybe a hurdle maybe a relay i love. Yeah. What leg did you run? Both. All of them. Two. One, two, three and four.

Maybe I'm... Oh, I was always the fourth leg. The last one. I'll say you're the fastest. I didn't know what you meant by that. Sorry, yeah. I was the fastest. Yeah, I had to run to the finish. One and four.

Take all the glory off this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One and four were always the fast ones. Yes. I was two or three. A little bit shit. But still, it's the participating that counts. Yeah.

I was always the winner. I was at the finish line like, winner! My mum and dad were like, I'm so tall. No, you can't do that in the United States. You can't do that anymore. And we don't do relays. No. We don't do relays.

What's there? Like the egg and spoon, the saccharines? So we had the walk forward with the bat, walk back with the the bat and you've got to keep the ball on the bat yeah we did around the football around the cones yeah we did one that was really really mental and it was really cooped in and close you had to go over the hoop so you know you had to jump over the two hurdles at the start little little bunny hops yeah hop little bunnies over the over the hoop so you had to stand in the hoop and put the hoop

over your head. Then you had to run a little bit, take a stick, but then you had to build like a ladder. And by the time you got to the end

of your ladder, take the poles and stick them in. Bloody hell, that sounds a bit complicated. Yeah, it was very complicated. And the children, there was eyes flying everywhere.

There was hoolie hoopies hitting everybody. There was batons flying over the place. Some people just take the baton and run into the end. But you're like, no, this team, foul, foul. Like they were, everybody was doing it wrong. And I was just like, this is carnage.

But you've got to be supportive of everybody. Yeah, not for me. They all did a great job. Yeah. They all did. Yeah, they all did wonderful. We had the coconut shy. Is it the coconut?

Yeah. The coconuts off the fence. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So very um very more summer fete i would say than sports day yeah so yeah that's basically that's all we're doing at the moment is just wrapping up we're doing the big wrap we're doing the final the final countdown do you know what as well i meant to tell you this morning when i come in i had the weirdest experience on the. I don't know if I'm allowed to share this. I never, ever get like uncomfortable with PDA. Oh no, God, I hate PDA. I've spoken about it before.

We're not really, me and Chris are very, very, not private, but like we don't. Just don't touch each other. No. Ever. Not out, well, studies would say we have. But no, not in front of my mum and dad i don't really like he'll give me like if he's going out and leaving the house he'll just say bye or he'll

give me a little peck on the head yeah yeah but he never never like tongue down the throat oh god no not in front of my mum and dad i think it would make me uncomfortable no also when we're out with people i don't like to make no we don't like to make people feel uncomfortable but i've never had an issue with anybody that is PDA. Actually, sometimes I look at it and I'm like, oh, gosh. God love him. So cute. Do you know, the first time today, I feel like I've been involved.

I feel like I've cheated on Chris. I feel like I've fully had sex with two strangers on a train. Like dry sex. This was the morning commute. Busy train. Yeah. Two people. On the train.

Fully. Like I could see their tongues down each other's throat. There was like action on the legs. And I was sat in the seat on the train where there is three here. Three here and three here. Three opposite. Yeah. Three, three, three.

Yeah. And it was, I'd sat in the corner. She also, when I got in, I was like, oh oh do you mind if i just scoot in and sit down she didn't acknowledge me didn't say anything like was like grabbing her boyfriend's hand like holding his hand and i just went like i don't want your man i just want to see they were sitting on the seats opposite you yeah so our knees were touching so she also had her foot on my plug. So if somebody was like, if I was sat like that, I would move my foot off the plug just to give them enough room.

You know, I'm not moaning here because I'm very much a people lover. I love people. But she didn't move it. So I had like her whole crotch facing me like this. Sorry, I am on my period. So if there's anything there, do let me know. So she was like this sorry i am on my period so if there's anything there do let me know um so she was like this and then here it was like sliding hands in places where hands potentially at this time of the morning shouldn't really not on the morning commute not on the morning compute

and there was tongues in and he kept getting up to go to the toilet i think he was bless his heart they were very open with what they were talking about i know her job her place of work i know all about her family i also know um she's applied for a new job and they were very loud do you think they've just met or they're i don't know they're a couple i don't know if it was a new relationship but they were very much obviously a new relationship and when they were talking they were like caressing each other's hand which i thought that was quite sweet they were just very very touch very touchy feely, which was nice. But the touchy feely was going a bit far on occasion. Was he going to the toilet because he needed to?

So he was making it very apparent to the whole train that he was struggling with the bathroom, his bathroom situation. I thought, bless him, that's not good when you're in the train and you've got the shits. I've been there. I know what it's like. Hang on. Amidst all of this, you think he had the shits as well? So he was going back and forth, yeah, having the poops. And they were caressing each other.

And that didn't put her off, knowing that he was shitting himself? No. And then they had to disembark from each other. And that was... How was the goodbye? I just didn't know where to... And I looked at this...

There was this older chap sat next to me. And there was... Basically, there was a lot of men on the train today and there was these older chaps here, two here, two here, and then the guy sat next to me and he kind of looked at me for help. It's one of those where everyone was looking and thinking the same thing but no one was saying anything. I wanted to look because I'd seen so much.

I was fully invested in this whole relationship and I was like, like look i need to know how the goodbye goes so i was a bit like there was a lot of create the caressing of the face stroking of the hair and they were like bye bye but she i just i just don't i just don't know if it if it's like has anybody else done this seen it seen it. Seen it? How comfortable? I've never ever in my 36 years experienced it. And I generally thought it was wild. And I truly felt very, very...

Violated? No. I just felt like I was taking some really special time that they needed. You had a front row seat. I did. I had the whole crutch and everything. I was fully locked and loaded. Some people pay good money for that.

She actually, at one point, clocked me looking and gave me really bad daggers. Oh, come on. And we were facing opposite. I was also going backwards. And I kind of, at one point, had to be just like, oh, this is too much. Did it make you feel a bit sick?

It just was full on. What was the demographic? Were they like young? They were younger than us but not youthy young they were like maybe like 30 she went all the way to london she's working up here so she you think what i would say late 20s early 30s new relationship i just don't know if it was new or they were just very very for each other you know gosh it does fascinate me because then I do question myself.

Like I text Chris like, I really love you. Like, should we be doing this? One can only imagine what that's like. Am I missing, like, I feel bad. I feel bad for Chris that I'm not, should I stroke his face when we're embracingly kissing? No, I don't want to be that guy. Should I stroke him while we leave? No. Like, I just feel want to be that guy. Should I stroke him while we leave? No.

Like, I just feel like I'm really doing something wrong. I'd rather be in separate beds. I also feel like I cheated on him. I did have to ring him and tell him, like, look, if anything comes out in the media, I didn't... I've been involved in a threesome this morning on the train. I'm cheating on you, I'm really sorry.

It just felt like, yeah, it just felt like a lot, you know? That's too much. And that's not me saying that anybody should never show pda i just didn't i've never experienced it before no that is too much do you know who makes me feel sick oh to my stomach hopefully not your husband no courtney kardashian and tramis barker was that was it that kind of level yeah yeah that's that's a really really good example that is that's i thought at one point she was going to climb into his lap and i was just a bit like i don't i truly didn't know and i didn't know whether to i wasn't laughing because i was actually like i at one point and like you said this morning it was so packed on the train you couldn't sit down yeah i generally there was nowhere to move it was really

it was the first train of the day it was really really busy there was nowhere to go i couldn't get up i couldn't move also sat with poor i had poor and a banjo on the train yeah celebrating our one year episode today we finally moved into the studio yeah it's taken us a while we've bought some bought some toys with us we have there's a lot of story behind my toys today we'll get into those we'll get into it later. My toys. These, when people say I've got toys, this is my toys. Yeah.

I'm not strapping out no. Nothing sexy. Big willies. These are my toys. Yeah. These are my friends. These are mine. This is my crew.

But yeah, I was also sat while having this episode with this lady. She's carrying a big fluffy dog. A big, that's not a dog. He's a pig. Oh, a pig. It's Pua. Pua the pig. Carrying a big fluffy dog. A big, that's not a dog, he's a pig. Oh, a pig. It's Pua. Pua the pig. Sorry, Pua.

Have you never watched Moana? No. Shock horror. No, I know. I didn't know what Pua was from. I feel like Joseph would like Pua. It's in Moana. So I had him,

I had my banjo. Yep. I did at one point think, should I? Start playing the ukulele. Should I serenade them? Serenade them. Should I give them some time?

I wanna sex you up. Oh, that's a wet ass pussy. You know, I just, it was full on. So that, that also added to the journey in today.

I could tell it was on your mind because it was the first thing you said when you saw me. I know, and I was like, I can't tell you everything. I need to leave it for, I'll catch up.

Yeah, because I'd have your chest. No, I'm happy for happy couples, but that's too much. Yeah. You know, I'm not saying that people shouldn't do it. Like I'm all for love, love. I love, love, love. Yeah, but behind closed doors, please.

Just the stroking, I think, was the stroking was too much. Yeah. Like handsies and a lot of poo talk. I think he was going to the toilet for something else. I didn't even... That didn't really cross my mind. I think so. At least they weren't going together. Like the Mile High Club.

Have you ever had sex on an aeroplane? Oh my God. No, you can barely go for a piss. Have you? I've never really gone on planes, do I? I haven't been on one in 11 years. No, I don't think I'd be able to have sex on a plane. But I truly need to know if someone's had sex on a plane yes are you a part of the mile high club and what's the train talk to me what's the train equivalent what's the position what

position are we doing are we going over the sink no because then you'd be too high wouldn't you what are we sitting on the loo and he's crutching down don't know but what's i don't want to be imagine you were out on the aeroplane and the flusher went... There goes my intestine. Didn't need that anyway. It sucks through the floor. I want to know

what's the train equivalent of the mile high club. Yeah, what is the train equivalent? One mile club. Mile low club. One mile an hour club. We should have asked them. We should have asked our friends on the train. They'll know. Mile low club know you might see them on the way back tonight i really hope i don't imagine

that was too much i think one episode in my lifetime that was one sessions enough i've never watched porn no have you ever watched porn no this is escalated i think it's really common for people to watch porn yeah as like couples yeah I don't think I've ever watched it. I'm trying to think now if I've ever. I caught one of my ex-boyfriends watching it once. That was probably as uncomfortable as the scenario on the train. What do you mean caught him? He was watching porn.

Yeah. Well, I'd gone to work and then I forgot something. So I ran back to the flat and that was not. What did he say? Was he embarrassed? Yeah, he threw his tablet across the floor. It was sat with his bits in the front row. Oh God, it was so uncomfortable. Was that the end of the embarrassed? Yeah, he threw his tablet across the floor and was sat with his bits in the front row. Oh God, it was so uncomfortable.

Was that the end of the relationship? Yeah, it went downhill from there. It plummeted, if I'm honest. It was not the best time. It was very, very uncomfortable. Probably as uncomfortable as watching them people on the train. Yeah.

Yeah. So I've never watched porn. Really, I actually have led quite a sheltered life. I wouldn't know where to find it. What, porn? No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't know where to find it. What, porn? No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't know. But people watch it together, don't they, in relationships?

Yeah, they do, yeah. But yeah, that's my week. Not even just your week, your day was eventful. Today was wild, but I've had a wild week. I just don't know. We're still very much under the garden renovation as well. I'm trying so hard to get this playroom sorted, ready for... Holidays!

Holidays! Holidays! I'm ready for the holidays yeah i can tell i'm sure it's been my birthday isn't it yes it has happy belated thank you it's not belated because it's like a whole week celebration for us yeah we're really i'm dragging it out it was my my week of hellish parenting you remember me mentioning that stefan was going to be away all week but my actual birthday day was the one day that he was here. He did leave you in the evening, though. Yeah, so I was going to say, he made it count until 5.30 when he had to go out for the evening.

He did have to work, though, so we've got to give him... He went to a work event in the evening. But worst timing, because I had to do the nursery pick-up, the bath time and the bedtime solo. And dinner time. Which is the worst bit. Although, no, dinner time's at nursery, so that's fine. They do that.

Joseph has dinner time at the end. Yeah, although he did tell me yesterday he wanted another dinner when he got home. Oh, he was growing, lad. I know, and I said... Did you give him one? No, I said no. Joseph, I'm still prepared to take you, bud.

He has milk before bed, all right? So I was like, yeah, he'll be full up going to bed. Don't worry about it. Also, he's got a bit to lose. Do you know what I mean? He's not going to starve. Is that me? Her two-year-old. Is that me? This is her two-year-old.

Is that me? Slightly. Poor Joseph. Survival of the fittest for that lad. He's also traumatised by the bee. I'm starting to think you're involved in this. I know. Have you created the issue? No, it wasn't my fault. We've got lavender in the garden. What am I supposed to do? Bees love it. I love a bit of lavender.

Yeah, me too. A bit granny-ish though, do you think? But it just grows really well, doesn't it? It's an easy grower. I know nothing about gardening. Grower and a shower. It's a grower and a shower. I don't know about gardening, but I know that much. Yes.

So we went out for a lovely posh lunch. Yes, we did. And then I went for a massage, which was nice because I was like, obviously totally child free. Yes. Stefan took the baby home. I went for a nice hour massage. Do you know what happens? This is what always happens though, right?

I lay down on the bed and I think, oh, I'm going gonna like sleep for an hour and as soon as my head hits the pillow i start thinking about a thousand and one things i'm like what's on my to-do list what am i gonna make for dinner what you know you just my mind's going 100 miles an hour i did that last night and i did yeah when you don't go into deep sleep yeah and you know you're fully awake yeah and i looked at every hour of the clock oh and you're like i'm getting fewer and fewer hours now before i've got to wake up yeah i hate that happens to me yeah when i go to bed at night as well i know i'm so tired but i cannot get to sleep early because my mind's just racing with everything that i've got to do or even just like it spins off into like a thousand random thoughts like just completely random shit anyway lovely massage lovely massage. Five, ten minutes before the end,

I start dozing off, like proper relaxed. And then they go, excuse me, wake up. Your massage is finished now. I'm like, oh. Oh, she's going. Can you just leave me here for a second? I was just getting into it.

Do I get to take a nap? Well, I did wonder, because you know at the end, they say like, no rush coming out. Take your time. An hour and a half. Oh, I feel great.

When they say take your time, what do they actually mean? How much time will we take it? How much time can I take? Yeah. An hour and a half? Oh, I feel great. When they say take your time, what do they actually mean? How much time will we take it? How much time can I take? Yeah. An hour and a half? Because I could have laid asleep on the bed for another couple of hours, but I think she might have been like, I've got another client.

I didn't leave the bed. Yeah, I didn't mean. Imagine she just wheeled you out on the bed, left you in the corridor. Get out. Stark, bollock naked. No clothes. Yeah. And I'd had like a head massage and a facial, so my hair was like sideshow Bob.

You know when they you know when you wake up and look in the mirror and you're like Christ and you feel like you're weightless don't you like whoa what happened to me what they done to me she did actually say to me she was like um have you got a hair tie because in the head massage my postpartum hair loss was all over the bloody massage bed and the floor I had to explain to her sorry I've just had a baby my hair hair doesn't normally fall out, you know, half a head at a time. Poor woman, she was picking my hair up.

You're shedding. And then when I got off the bed, she'd put all the hair that had fallen out and there was a massive hairball in the sink. I was like, oh, poor, poor woman. She's got to clean that up later. My shedded, dead hair. I can imagine her like...

She's trying to make it relaxing, but every two seconds she's like, putting a clump of my hair off her fingers. I know. God, God love her. Bless her. But no, it's been, it was a lovely,

a lovely birthday treat. And apart from all that lovely stuff, the best birthday surprise was the night before, I thought Stefan was going to be away and it was going to be another solo bedtime. And I really gear myself up for those times because they can be really stressful. And I was walking to get Joseph from nursery.

He popped out from behind a bush and surprised me. Stop it. He was like, I'm back from work, Ellie. I can help you tonight. I was like, I could have cried. I was like, oh, what's a relief. He was in a bush. He was hiding in the bushes.

What the fuck? That's really fucking scary. I know. Why don't you just fucking come through the front door? Or wait at the bush. Who's hiding in the bushes. What the fuck? That's really fucking scary. I know. Why don't you just fucking come through the front door or wait at the preschool? Because he like intercepted my walk

because he knew which way I was going to be walking at which time which is quite creepy. That's really creepy Stefan. I know. Why are you jumping out of bushes? He was on his way back

from the train. You'll get your name for yourself jumping out of bushes. I know. So I was pushing Sadie along in the buggy going to get Joseph. I was texting on my phone and he just approached me

and went you shouldn't text and walk. I was like, Christ! Oh, it's you. Okay. Yeah. I don't know. I don't, I truly don't know how I feel about that.

You're going more and more off, Stefan, by the day, the things I tell you. To be honest with you, Stefan has got a vendetta against us. He hasn't. He does, he blesses up. He tries to have a life you know and he's trying to have golf and you know emma comes in you've got to support the gals i'm down for the girls and if

you come in here and you're having a bitch about your husband i'm team you i know i'm taking you back everything he does just pisses stefina off i'm still yet to meet stefan yeah it might be different when we meet. I can't wait for the moment. I feel like it'll be awkward. Yeah, it will. I feel like there'll be tension in the air. There's mutual hatred.

There's not. There's not. There's not. That's good because Chris hates you. Phil is mutual. I don't really ever talk about Chris, they bless us up. No, we don't need that.

We don't need those husbands. He doesn't really ever do a lot. No. Well, he actually does a lot. I can't. You can't moan about him. Honestly, he's the most fantastic human. All right, rub it in.

I've generally got nothing bad to say. He doesn't hide in bushes. No complaints. Get Chris and Stefan to chat. They need to get some... Chris will tell him not to jump out of bushes. Stefan needs to take a leaf. Yeah, Chris doesn't play golf.

No. He does the school runs. He lets me stay and have a bath at home. He cooks dinner some nights. I want to marry Chris. He play golf. No. He does the school runs. He lets me stay and have a bath at home. He cooks dinner some nights. I want to marry Chris. He's free. He's free. I've made a terrible mistake.

Yeah, he's not locked down yet. I might take him. Honestly, have him. Take him off your hands. Have him, have him. He's a great catch. And he's also fucking, do you know what? I don't know whether I'm just insanely exhausted at the moment,

but he has been really funny this week. He's funny anyway. But this week he's been like insanely funny. Really making you laugh. I nearly pissed the bed the other night, again, because of something he did. He did in the bed. Honestly, no, he didn't touch me, Jesus Christ. We got a baby between us.

But we can't talk in the bed because we don't want to wake Renly up, so we lie either side of him. So we're always trying to say something, but we misconstrue what each other are saying so I'll be like did you just say that he fell out of the bed the other night honestly it was too it was too much we're having a whale of a time yeah honestly yeah I'm glad I'm happy that you're having a great time because I... Stefan's a busy man though.

He's got work, isn't he? He's a busy man. And I think I've spoken about this before. It's very easy to get resentful of him not being there. But he obviously has to go to work. He does have to go to work. It's one of those things. I'm joking.

I don't actually hate Stefan. I don't either. I do like him. I don't know why I said that laughing. Sorry. I was so disgenuine. I do actually do like him. I don't know why I said that laughing. Sorry. I was so disgenuine. I do actually really like him, I swear. So Emma and I really want to hear from you.

Yeah, we want you to join us in the Secret Mum Club. You're all welcome. You can share your secrets with us, respond to what we've been talking about, or just say hello. You can find us on TikTok and Instagram. Just search Secret Mum Pod, or you can and Instagram just search secretmumpod or you can email us

hello at secretmumpod.com it's time for another car I wasn't ready for you oh syllable each

okay ready correspondence corner I don't know how I feel about that one do you want to do a proper one yeah right ready

three two one correspondence corner every time you say it's time for that one. Do you want to do a proper one? Yeah. Right. Ready? Three, two, one. Correspondence Connor! Every time you say it's time for, I think it's time to face the music! Do you remember that?

No, I was going to go Gladiator from X Factor. Every Saturday night it would start like that. It's time to face the music and then da-da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da-. And then. I don't remember that. Okay. Was it that actual tune? Yeah.

Oh. I love that you're looking. Adam just confirmed. Oh, it was actually that tune. We've got to get Adam involved in the podcast because we need. Sadie agrees too. She agrees. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. Ready. So Emma, let's have the first one all right this one says hello ladies and babies i was just listening to your podcast regarding colby and the case of the bo bless him god bless him you ladies were talking about how you never forget your first period and it took me right back i've never shared this with anyone other than my mum but i remember my first i was in year eight and we were on a school trip to germany i had awful tummy aches and noticed markings in my underwear i genuinely at the time thought that maybe the local cuisine

wasn't agreeing with me so i hid it for a week oh i bagged up all of my underwear and kept it to myself i didn't even realize what it was myself until i got back home and gave my washing to my mom now i always make sure my daughter 10 talks to me openly and we understand what's coming hopefully not too soon thanks for the weekly giggle ladies love emily that makes me really sad that is really really sad i feel really bad emily i'm so sorry you had to go through that hopefully now you can it's hard isn't it because things we experience when we're little it definitely shapes us to be the women we are when we get there isn't it and that is so sad i know that's something i honestly truly

dread i don't think that would happen to any of your children because you're far too open about stuff i mean imagine dotty like she would just tell someone straight away i imagine do you think yeah what if she started yeah 100 but if she was on a school trip would she i think even yes i'd she i don't think she would not not tell anybody yeah but i think i feel like i am lucky because even if she can't talk to me which i don't feel like we're ever going to have that relationship she's got she's got three older three older cousins she can find yeah comfort in talking to all my sister or my mom so no it's um it is a difficult one isn't it that makes me really sad that she felt like she had to hide. And then her mum's heart must have broke when she came home with a bag full of dirty washing.

Because I guess back then we never had phones to be able to text our mum. No. Like if I send the children on a school trip now, you take a bloody phone. If anyone says they're taking it away from you, I'll come pick you up. You text me straight away. I'll come to Germany and pick you up. Exactly. Yes, I will.

I'll be on the next flight. I haven't flown in 25 years. But I do it for you. I'm on a coach. I'll be on the next flight. I haven't flown in 25 years, but fuck. I'm on a coach. I'll be there in 49 hours. I don't know whether I would have told a teacher, though. I don't think I would have. Again, but I don't feel like back when we were growing up, it was like relationships with people just weren't,

like I would have never had a relationship with my, a good relationship with my teacher. With your school teacher. No. But now I feel like times have changed. We've moved on. We've come a long way. Well, like you say, now you would text your mum, wouldn't you? Yeah. And be like, oh mum. I'm bleeding at school. Send a picture. What's this?

Oh, it's alright. You've just come on your period. Go get some sanitary towels. Yeah, go speak to the school teacher. Yeah. I can't think of a teacher I would have spoken to about that. Oh, there is one. Linda. My teacher Linda. She, there is one, Linda. My teacher, Linda, she was the head of my year. You knew her first name? Yeah, I did know her first name.

I was that arrogant child that called her by her first name though. I also, fun fact, when I left school, added her on Facebook. Oh, how's she doing now? She's great. She's got children. Linda, honey. Linda, listen. I would have loved that trend to be now when I was at school.

Yes. But that was my head of year. And I used to sit in her office because I never went to class you and Linda were tight me and Linda were tight that's bad timing for Emily that I bless I think I would have told Linda but I'd already started my period hadn't I by the time I got to secondary school yeah she was year 8 so what's that like 12?

12, 13 isn't it? year 7's 11, 12 yeah 12, 13 tough age really really tough age but thank you for sharing that emily and i'm sure there is lots of people probably went through something similar i agree all right another email now it says hi soph and emma i love you two thank you thank you bless you i was listening to emma talk about her long car trip to wales with the children and it reminded me of the nine plus hour trips we'd make when my daughter was young from Boston to Pittsburgh.

Wow. Right. American car journeys just baffle me. Like everything is so far apart. You drive for like a day and you're not even in the next state. No. What the hell? It's phenomenal, isn't it?

Yeah. I also do love it though. It fascinates me. Yeah. Yeah. Says we found out the best time to travel with her was at night. So we would leave later in the evening and she would sleep through most of the trip. Kept stops to a minimum and it was less stressful all around.

Oh, my love, Heather. That's actually an iconic idea, Heather. Pennsylvania, USA. Well, Heather, let me tell you. Sorry, Heather. We used to do that. I've got thoughts. We used to do that with Joseph when he was little.

And then basically, I think the last time we did it where it failed was Christmas time. We would drive. I actually put a video on Instagram. We were driving to Wales for Christmas and we were we were like giving the milk in the car bath you know everything getting nice and relaxed bath in the car no bath not bath in the car oh bath before you go sorry bath before you go sorry i did those the wrong way around bath before you go milk in the car bath in the car would actually be a genius idea it would very dangerous because they're not strapped to chill them out but anyway um it was all dark outside we were like we'll drive he'll sleep the whole time it'll be fine yes two hours

into the journey old mcdonald's at a farm the whole way basically love so he's wise to it now and we can no longer do it yeah it's too exciting what a shame you'd think the darkness of the car would keep him and the motion but no he's, it's much trickier now. That's actually iconic though. I think maybe it's just Joseph. Yeah. And I think with younger kids, like when we put Sadie in the car, she basically falls asleep like that straight away.

Yeah. So that, at least it's one out of two. Does she go in the car a lot? Yeah. Oh. Yeah, quite a lot. I didn't think you drove much. Well, it's just the journeys when we do do them are long.

Oh, right. Because we're either going back to Essex to see my parents or back to Wales. But your daily driving, what's your daily driving oh no sometimes we don't use the car all week that's what I thought but yes long journeys

yeah yeah yeah which is why I think when she gets in the car it's a different motion isn't it she must completely nod off the pram and the car she loves for sleeping

as long as you're moving the bad thing about London is that you're in stop start traffic so much that she's like awake awake awake and then she'll nod off and then she'll be like

awake yeah she's in the pram yeah she likes train yeah um it's more so just putting her down in like a cot that's not moving that's the problem you don't go to wales on the train you can but i think you just need so much shit when you've got babies that it actually just doesn't true it doesn't really work out you know yeah but that's what that is something that we've looked at because traffic is just it there. But anyway, thank you for the tip, Heather. I will try it with Sadie,

Joseph now. But anyone else travelling, that's a good little tip if anybody else is thinking in the holidays now with a good travel, travel overnight. I would say with Joseph as well,

he won't sleep anymore. It does get a little bit easier as they get older because he'll look at his tablet and stuff like that. Watch things. Play, yeah. And communicate slightly,

can't they? Yeah, and when he's being annoying you can say shut up we're not there yet no i don't say that i do a lot of singing of old mcdonald and the animals went in two by two shoot i bet you're a right hoot in the car i'm a riot yeah i am yeah i protect our riot so you can get in touch with us on anything at all yeah it can be serious or silly and it can be totally anonymous. Because between us, we've probably heard it all before. And remember, we're all in this together. And we know that we are.

We're all stars and we see that. Oh, you really went for that. I really did go for it. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts here's a show that we recommend halloween horror is about this spooky season with these hair-raising podcasts the magnus protocol catch you next time, dearie No, you won't After Dark And with that, the curtain falls on the story of Anne Boleyn

The Red Room Exploring Irish ghost stories and haunted Irish history Listen to these ACAR shows wherever you get your podcasts. ACAST helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. ACAST.com This is the secret mum club the safe space for you to share your secrets i've got two this week oh i've got two one's pretty sad one's still pretty sad oh no right let's start with the

first one that's really sad okay don't cry i won't because i feel like i can't cry you can i feel like it's in there there's going to be something that i tell you that's going to make you cry um so we've had lots of things with the school haven't we yeah we've had sports day we've had discos we've had water fights we've had meet the teacher classroom meet and greets you know we've had the whole the whole load of everything yeah we i put dotty to bed one night week. I can't remember specifically what night it was. And she was just like, oh, just isn't it so nice that I'm going to have my new teacher and my old teachers together?

And I went, no, we leave the old teachers. Oh, she thinks he's coming with her. In the classroom. She was like, no, no, no, no. I take, I take, obviously not saying the teacher's names i take teacher a and teacher b to my new teacher oh no they're not coming i have never seen her within a second absolutely break down she was like i don't understand what's happening so it's like she's gone through this

whole process of meeting her new teacher going to her new classroom it's like she's gone through the process but not actually processing what's happening any of it yeah so now she can't talk about it we physically can't talk about it because she just truly truly breaks down crying what's gonna happen when she goes back to school i absolutely have no idea she's loved her reception teacher then loved her and colby's had a wonderful and absolutely wonderful teacher like their their school reports i cannot tell you i've talked about this a lot on my instagram my babies and i don't want to be that parent but i have to be that parent in this moment because my babies both have excelled in their school reports like i cannot tell you like three is the top mark for

colby like excelling that's above and beyond he was three across the board dotty's is the highest of two she got two and everything so i feel like we've had the most incredible year at school both of them have excelled above and beyond and i couldn't have asked for any more so it was really emotional for me saying goodbye yes i, I cried. Shock, horror. I fucking cry at everything. But I just don't know how she's going to feel today. But yeah, we're having a very sad time and she like talks to my mum about it and she was just like,

you can see her little eyes just filling up my water and she was just like, I don't understand why I can't still have them. And I'm like, because they've got to stay with the classroom. So that was truly truly heartbreaking also like stressful for the return because yeah i wasn't actually stressed i thought this is going this is going smoothly this is going great like she's taking in the whole new classroom the whole

new teacher because she didn't actually know what was going on she had no clue no she truly had no clue as to what was going on it's good to tell her now though and prepare her rather than be like oh yeah yeah yeah and then just like hit the like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And then just like hit the can down the road because, you know. Yeah. And when we're at the summer fair, all the teachers were out at the summer fair and we met her new teacher and we introduced ourselves and like she was talking to Dottie. Oh, sweet.

Oh, good. So sweet. Really, really, really lovely. So I'm really excited. But I'm now, I wasn't nervous before. I'm now slightly. There's a little bit of anxiety in my belly. And this has got a nice new teacher to go up to.

But I just don't want that struggle again. I know. And I feel like, I thought we were ready for year one. And I got it in my head that we were totally ready. But now I've got that thing in my belly where I'm just like, are we just going to go back to like a whole square one again and just. Do you know what? She'll get used to it. It's just an adjustment period isn't it I think it's too hard I know and also to add insult to injury I fucking miss Colby's oh I just put it in the diary and I just didn't meet his teacher I haven't even met his teacher oh I'm just failing at mum

life I'm winning and failing at the same time poor Colby so he had to meet there come in and meet the teacher. I bloody forgot. I didn't meet this teacher. So hopefully there's an opportunity for us to do that. Yeah.

When we go back. Did he like them? Oh, he loves his new teacher. We said, didn't we? He'd come out, didn't he? On his transition day. He was like, she's been to 22 countries.

Oh. We talked about that, didn't we? No, I don't think you spoke about that. I must have only spoken about it on my Instagram. No, yeah. I thought we spoke about my transition. We spoke about transition days. We did say that it went well, but that didn't we no I don't think you spoke about that I must have only spoken about it on my Instagram no yeah I thought we spoke

about my transition we spoke about transition days we did say that it went well but I didn't know she'd been to 22 countries I told you

he'd come out and she was like she'd travelled to 22 countries were you not listening on the episode probably zoned out did you listen to the edit back I tuned in for my Sunday soak

and listened to my own episode I did 22 countries she's been to wow yeah I know so he's happy he's over the moon honestly elated yeah he's absolutely elated and then just to to pick up from our secret of the week because i have got to chris fell off a fucking scooter fell off a fucking i didn't

know whether to laugh or cry right we do a walk to school don't we we walk back and forth to school dotty the the day was really really hot because the weather erratic soottie was stood on the pram while I was pushing Renly. So I thought it'd be really funny if we cross the road and hide behind a van. Daddy was on the scooter, Dottie's scooter. Colby was on his scooter. So me and Dottie were like, oh, quick, we'll cross the road and try to hide behind the van. As we're in the middle of the road, this car slams on his brakes, this taxi car. While he slams on his brakes, I look over. While he slams on his brakes,

I look over as if, like, I panicked that Colby had gone into the road. Chris is mid, legs fully in the air, fucking holding the scooter, going over the handlebars.

He flew over the handlebars and took like a shoulder punt to the pavement. The car stopped, slamming his brakes on because he was worried, I think, that Chris was going to roll into the road. And Chris just led on the pavement. The car stopped slamming his brakes on because he was worried I think that Chris was going to roll

into the road. And Chris just led on the pavement. I'm still stood in the middle of the road trying to, thought it'd be really fun to just fucking play

hide and seek. Back five. Back five. He fucking found out a manhole, didn't he? The front wheel of the scooter went down one of those drain holes.

All of a sudden all week he's moaning about his shoulder. Is he okay? That sounds really bad. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. That sounds bad. He actually took it really well. Drain holes. Yeah. All of a sudden all week he's moaning about his shoulder. Is he okay? That sounds really bad. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. That sounds bad. He actually took it really well.

It's all right. Yeah. No, just heart is short. We get it. Life gets busy. Luckily with Peloton Tread, you can still get the challenging workouts you crave. Only have 10 minutes? Take a quick Peloton workout.

Want to go all out? Chase down your goals with 20 to 45 minute tread workouts. No matter your goals or time, Peloton has everything you need to become everything you want. Find your push, find your power. Peloton. Visit onepeloton.ca. onepalaton.ca You know, one point, I was looking over at him like, are you,

are you all right? And generally, I was concerned. I was like, can't believe, generally couldn't believe he'd actually, actually done it.

The children were roaring. If that was me and I watched my dad do that, I would have bawled my eyes out. They were laughing at him. They were laughing their heads off.

Colby at one point was like, Daddy, are you okay? Like he was a little bit traumatized. Then he started laughing about it. They were laughing their heads off. Colby at one point was like, Daddy, are you okay? Like he was a little bit traumatised. Then he started laughing about it. So it's been, it's truly been

an eventful week. When I tell you life is wild, it's such like this. Roller coaster, come on. Don't wanna wait. Bewitched is still following me on Instagram. Oh yeah. We're best mates.

So now let's get into some of yours. We've got three secrets from you we're going to be discussing this Instagram. Oh, yeah. We're best mates. So now let's get into some of yours. We've got three secrets from you we're going to be discussing this week. Emma, take it away with number one, girl. All right. Hi, ladies. I had my baby five months ago. Congrats. After a 14-year age gap.

Wow. Oh, I thought, I don't know where I went with that one. You thought I was going to say after a 14-year pregnancy. I don't know where. I thought we were going with that one. I should have just waited patiently and listened. Yes. It says, I was booked in for an induction. I thought it was going to say after a 14-year pregnancy. I don't know why. I thought we were going with that one. I should have just waited patiently and listened. Yes. Says, I was booked in for an induction.

I thought it was going to take a while. But no, not me. He came out at the speed of light. Whoa. You know about that. These boys. They wanted to fit an IV line just in case I needed it. But because of the speed of my birth,

they had to do it when I was nine centimeters dilated. The anaesthetist came in. However, she couldn't find a vein in my arm. Oh, it's the worst. She decided to scan my arm for a vein and found one she liked the look of

as I was having a contraction. I asked her to wait until after the contraction. Did she listen? Did she fuck? Is that what she said? That's literally what it said. Did she fuck?

Did she fuck? Mid-wild contraction she stuck this needle in my arm so I shouted at the top of my lungs. Can you guess? You motherfucker! My sister and partner were mortified and so apologetic. needle in my arm so i shouted at the top of my lungs can you guess you motherfucker my sister

and partner were mortified and so apologetic one hour later on her behalf yeah she fucking hurt her though motherfucker one hour later my son came into the world and we are living life with our new bundle of joy l-i-v-i-n lots of, Kirsty from Bristol. Oh, we're so similar as well. We've had our babies around the same time. Yeah. Oh, yeah, five months. Kirsty, what a woman. Yeah.

We sound like we should be friends. Yeah. I feel like you're on our wavelength. Those anaesthetists are wild. Sadistic. The problem is, though, they are on a tight schedule, but they could have just waited. It's only a couple of minutes.

Mid-contraction. I know. Mid-contraction. I remember with Joseph trying to get my epidural. Also, wasn't like a fucking treasure hunt for a vein? Yeah. What the blinking blazes? Trying to get my epidural. Also, wasn't it like a fucking treasure hunt for a vein? Yeah. What the blinking blazers? Trying to get my epidural when I was mid-contraction with Joseph

was one of the hardest things I think I've ever had to do because they're like, you could be paralysed, so, you know, breathe and stay really still. And you're like... OK, OK, the pressure. Yeah. I got sweaty pants. It was easy with Sadie because it was planned, you know.

My veins through pregnancy all disappeared. Did they? Yeah, couldn't find any veins. I kept having to have blood tests and they really hurt my arms. Do you remember? Oh, you always listen to the episode. I don't doubt again.

She's always moaning about something. No, I do remember that and you were really bruised. Yeah, I was really bruised. I don't know if they've come back actually. I haven't checked. My veins are very, very poppy. Am I dead?

They're stopping there compared to yours fucking hell what the fuck i think i put too much tan on this morning yeah that's why you can't see them they do always say to me juicy babies i know they do always say to me lovely veins but thank you kirsty yes for for contacting us that is i feel like we're we're long lost friends. Yeah. Truly. She's basically you.

She's my sister from another mister. So shall we roll into number two? Yeah, this one says, Hi ladies, I'm just listening to the episode where you talk about the health visitor appointment. I have a two-year-old daughter and she's quite advanced in her speech. So she did pretty well on her questionnaire.

But when we got there, it felt like they were searching for something to pick up on. She's quite tall for her age and is heavy to pick up but I wouldn't say she was a big gal. However the health visitor measured her and said we need to keep an eye on her weight because she is a bit big. I felt like she was fat shaming my child. I understand she can't live on chocolate and nuggets and never move but it was the tone of the health visitor. Conversations like this are the start of negative connotations around weight and fat shaming from a very early age.

Lots of love from Gemma and Talia. i am so incredibly sorry that is i understand and i know there's health visitors that do listen and i know people say they're not all the same i get that but there's just i just don't i don't get it i don't get the process if the baby is healthy loved clean tidy is there any more we really need to delve into? Do you know what as well? It just totally depends on the health visitor you get. Like it is so subjective because all my friends have had these two-year-old health visitor appointments like around the same time. And like what one thought was important,

the other one didn't think was important and what the other one picked you up on, like the other one didn't care about. Why is there no formality though? That was my phone. Why is there no formality? Why is it all different? Well, the questionnaires are all the same,

but it kind of just depends on who you get. Surely if they're both health visitors, they should have the same concerns. Completely different advice. Like my friend's one was like, oh, you should really get him to the dentist sometime soon. And then my one was like, don't really worry about getting him to the dentist at this point.

Like it's his milk teeth. Don't worry about it. So conflicting. So it's so confusing. I just think take what they say with a pinch of salt. I truly, I know I haven't been to any more weigh-ins. We were just saying this this morning.

Yeah. Renly and Sadie. I don't know how much they weigh. I don't know how much. Because you kind of just get signed off and then they're like, well, that's it. See you next year.

And I just don't think you do it, do you? I don't, just don't think like now I don't have the time to take him to go and get him weighed i can see that he's healthy maybe with our first baby you would go to like a weighing clinic yeah which i did with colby i got him weighed every single week yeah yeah but then he wasn't gaining weight so i do i did have to keep up on his weight checks i think i've done it a couple of times maybe once a month with dots probably till she was about six months i don't really he's been checked twice i only did it at at the appointments, but I think you can tell, can't you?

Like if they're about right. I mean, in that two year old appointment, Joseph did not want to be measured and he did not want to be weighed. If there was concerns of the child having marks or being unclean or underweight, you know, there would maybe be more alarming signs to be aware of. Yeah. But not if it's just a lovely healthy happy little chubby little toddler toddler do you know my sister's baby who was born at the same time as sadie is

pretty chunky boy and i know he's so cute um but the health sisters have said about him before like you know a check on his weight and it's a bit like it kind of just makes you worry for no reason because you're like well what's wrong with my what's wrong with my baby like he's just happy and healthy and fed and chubby as he should be it's just too much pressure it's too much pressure to put on especially if it's first baby any baby do you know what any baby it doesn't matter first second third fourth fifth 19th 22 and counting i don't know you know i just don't i just don't see the stress i know i don't want to be down on health visitors i don't want to be down they do do an I don't want to be down.

They do do an important job, but it just really is so variable and so subjective. It's a bit maddening. Both my two-year checkups were there obviously a long time ago. Now, I know Dottie's was really, really good. And yeah, I remember Colby's to be really good. I didn't have anything negative from them. I think it's just the form that's overwhelming. I did see a funny video on social media the other day when the guy's going through the checkup and he literally just says the questions to the child like that reads out can you

can you say your name it's like yeah yeah yeah and he says yeah do you have any concerns if your child is hard of hearing and he says dylan flip your mom off and he just he just goes like this i think to his mom i don't think he even uses his middle finger off and he just he just goes like this I think to his mum I don't think he even uses his middle finger but it's just it's hard isn't it I do understand

they have an incredibly important job and they are trying to do their best but it's just sometimes it's just a little bit yeah and hard not to take it personally

yeah it's really hard not to take it personally but you're doing a wonderful job yeah thank you Gemma and Talia thank you beautiful Nat lovely

right let's have the last secret. All right. This one says, hey, ladies, I've just listened to the Silicone Investigator episode and heard the naked shart story, which reminded me of my 29-year-old daughter, Sophie. Do you remember that? The story? No.

The woman who sat down to breastfeed and she was naked and she sharted all over her sofa. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Yes. All right. So this says i need to say she wasn't 29 in this story it was back in 1997 and she got to the age where she kept taking her nappy off i went into the room as usual one morning and she was happily playing with her toys nappies there was a very strong smell of poo though which made my eyes water

i looked everywhere including under her bed just in case but to no avail so i assumed she just farted later that day i went up to clean her room while she was engrossed in Tots TV. On her tiny windowsill, there was a photo frame and a few soft toys. There's just going to be a log on the windowsill, isn't there? I picked up the frame to give it a clean, only to find an extra ornament behind it.

Oh, no! I love the poo! Somehow, she had not only managed to get up onto the windowsill but she had also managed to sling it sling it How did the poo get there? She had also managed

to squat and curl one out putting the frame back in front of it afterwards Stop it She stood on the windowsill and took a poop on there and then covered it up with a photo frame

I just assumed she got it on the floor and thought oh fuck that and chucked it up on the wall Did she I want to know did she ask her did she squat up on there and poo Did she? I want to know. Did she ask her?

Did she squat up on there and poo up there? Or did she launch the poo up there? She must only have been. Hang on. Can we work this out? Oh, my gosh. I need to know more details. It was 1997 and she's 29.

I was born in 88. So add on nine to my age. She was. Take a nine off of my age. She was... Take a nine off of my age. She was three? No. Six? No.

Three? I don't know. We're thick as fuck. Well, I am. Someone work that out for us. She was in a nappy. So she's like two, three. She's like two or three, let's say.

Do I get my calculator? Right, so how would I work out on a calculator? Do I do 2024 minus 1997? 27. No, no, no, no. Yeah, so she's two. 29 plus. 29 minus 29, yeah.

Yeah, 29 minus 29. What the fucking Lord Jesus Christ. I've got a C in maths. Right. I've got an A in maths. No, I didn't. I didn't. I got a C.

I got a C. I got a C. Oh, God. She says, I can only imagine the sight the neighbours would have whilst opening their curtains that morning. Needless to say, her nappies were gaffer taped on at night from that point and potty training hastily started. Can you imagine opening up your curtains and just seeing a massive turd on the windowsill?

Yeah. While she was actually doing it. Imagine just a bum, bless her heart, in the window. God, that is feral, isn't it? No, I think it's quite liberating. Love the Pond Ladies from Emma. Another Emma. Another Emma.

That is hilarious. I need to know if she actually stood in the window, though, and curled it out or whether she just launched the poo. Flung it up there, yeah. Imagine just taking the nappy off and being like, oh, shit, there's poo. It would have been amazing if she had a baby monitor and she could have seen what was going on.

Yes. I'm dreading Joseph starting to take his nappy off, but he hasn't worked it out yet. Colby never took his off. He took hers off, but Colby didn't. No. Colby quite liked his nappy, but he had a pull-up as well. He liked his little pull-up. Joseph won't go in pull-ups.

Oh, Colby loved them. Which is so annoying, because I think when nappies get to a certain size, they're only in pull-ups, aren't they? They're not with the tabs on. No, I think you can still get ones with tabs. Oh, to have like because colby was always running around he was active yeah he had a little yeah he had a little pull-up yeah he won't put the pull-up i think that also helps with like them getting used to pants yeah because you have to slide them on and slide them off yeah it gets them used to pulling pulling up and yeah pants we've got some pants ready to go for potty training and joseph saw them the other day and wanted to put them on.

You should have put them on. You should just take the moment and the opportunity and put them on. But put them on over his, he'd only let me put them on over his nappy. But that's still quite good. We've got to do the getting rid of the nappy bit, but he was into the pants. Did he put the pants on? Yeah, but over the nappy. Yeah, that's a good start though. Yeah, yeah.

Because then it still gets him used to having the pants. Used to wearing them. Or looking down and seeing that there's pants. There's pants there, yeah. No, he liked them because they were farmyard themed, obviously. Obviously. You know. Everybody wants a cow on there.

Everybody wants a cow on there. Bottom. Bottom. Thank you for sharing your secrets with us for the last hundred. Hundred. Hundred episodes. That's a hundred. That's more than a hundred. Fuck. A hundred times. Three times a hundred. Three hundred. 100 episodes. That's 100. That's more than 100.

Fuck. 100 times. Three times 100. 300. Well done. Quick maths. I'm tired. That's a lot of secrets.

That's a lot of secrets. Basically, it's a whole lot of secrets. So everyone is welcome in the Secret Mum Club. Yeah, and if you'd like to share your secrets with us, you can. The email is hello at secretmumpod.com or with Secret Mumpod on TikTok and Instagram. Have you witnessed a windowsill poo? Or have you had some choice words during labour? Let us know.

There really is nothing too outrageous. And keep an eye out for our Thursday episode. And we'll see you next time. On the Secret Mum Club. Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Halloween horror is about. This spooky season with these hair-raising podcasts. The Magnus Protocol.

Catch you next time, dearie. No, you won't. After Dark. And with that, the curtain falls on the story of Anne Boleyn. The Red Room. Exploring Irish ghost stories and haunted Irish history. Listen to these ACAST shows wherever you get your podcasts.

ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.