Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Percy Problem

Episode Date: August 29, 2024

We hear one mum's secret about her new "friend" Percy the pile, who's been popping up in all the wrong places! William and Jordan from Help I Sexted My Boss have discovered the NoseFrida, and the ladies get a firsthand look at their hilarious reactions! Plus, Sophiena and Emma reignite their fiery debate about whether it’s ever a good idea to befriend an ex. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello this is the secret mum club i'm emma and i'm safina we should start doing that thing that they do on like the morning show you didn't even know that was coming you should go this is emma and i go and that's safina and we are safema and fina that's like fem fresh doesn't it does sound like something for thrush doesn't it yeah but anywho i'm safina that's emma that's emma okay you say that's emma that's emma and that's safina and welcome to your thursday's episode where we get to squeeze in all the extra bits and bobs from the week all of your comments thoughts questions and fun stories to keep you going through the weekend. Shall we jump on in? Now, our wonderful friends at the Help I Sex My Boss podcast, Jordan and William,

have been talking about something that caught our attention and we need to discuss it. Are you ready? Roll. Roll clip. When I was last at the airport and I was looking for something in boots, it was coincidentally next to the baby section. Yeah. Which is not a section I normally look in. No.

If I said nose Frida or Frida, I might be saying this incorrectly to you. Do you know what I mean? I think you used to play up front for West Brom. Well, I can assure you this is not what I mean. I didn't know this was a thing. And obviously, I don't have children, which would come as a shock to some people. It's where, now stay with me, if a baby has got what in Bristol we would call boggle, bogus, snot up their nose. Look at you doing Bristolian slang.

snot up their nose. Look at you doing Bristolian slang. The mother puts a little tiny tube up the baby's nose and this tube goes into the mother's mouth and she sucks the boogers out. And this is the thing. Yeah. It's available in boots. Yes.

Yeah. It's a long tube. But the mother sucks the boogers out of the baby's nose. And I think that's a little weird, if I'm honest. I'm not a parent. Mothers would do anything for the children. I know they would, but I think that might be the line.

Really? If I ever got a child. You'd get the nanny to do it. Yeah. I literally love Jordan so much. And the fact that he's just like, mothers will do anything for the children. That is so true.

I love that William assumed that that would be a job for the mother. What I need to question is, what the bloody hell was William looking for that was related to being somewhere near the children's section? Because we know that he hates kids. Yeah, I think he hates the strong lad.

Dislikes. He's just not, you know, he's just not a fan of them they don't appeal to him it's not a dad no it's fair enough that is fair enough but what i need to know is what was there in the section that was so close to looking for our freedom our freedom what was looking for in the airport yeah what did he need this we're acquaintances to boots you know i know. I know the Boots. Big friends. Big friends. Big friends of ours. Big friends of ours.

I need to know what it was. Boots, hit us up. What is next to... No, William, tell us. William. Yeah, tell us. What was there that you needed, that you stumbled across? You might not want to say.

Our dear friend, Frida. Something you needed for going on holiday. Yeah, he's assumed it's a mum's job, and in our house he would be right, because I'm the only person... That sucks snot out of the nose. That sucks the snot. Stefan, point Yeah, he's assumed it's a mum's job and in our house he would be right because I'm the only person that will suck the snot. Stefan point blank refuses to do it. My brother went in straight once

on my niece's nose. Mouth on nostril? Yeah, because she just couldn't get to sleep. It was their first baby and he just full on put his mouth over her nose and sucked the snot straight out. Your brother-in-law? My brother-in-law.

You did initially say your brother and I thought that's above and beyond for an uncle. No, no. An uncle shouldn't have to do that. But to be fair, I think if Renly was struggling,

James would step up and he'd just straight suck that snot out. I feel like once you've had a baby and you've done it, it sounds like the most disgusting thing before you've been

in that situation and then when you do it and you're able to relieve your baby's blocked nose. And they sleep. They're soundly. There's no better feeling in the world there is no better feeling i have actually purchased this me too from boots

yeah from boots i actually have one and because there's lots of things they also do a wonderful cradle cap comb brush from boots from the same range divine best brush i've ever had for the baby's hair but i've bought it but we haven't actually had to use it yet oh we've used ours to the point where i'm like it must be blocked up with with snot by now but when i've bought it but we haven't actually had to use it yet oh we've used ours to the point where i'm like it must be blocked up with with snot by now but when i first saw it marketed i thought like your brother-in-law i thought the snot went straight into your mouth and then you just spat it out no and collects in there yeah which i think for people that haven't used it like william might think that's why it's so gross yes what we should explain is there's a filter

and it stops it from going into your mouth. Yes. So it collects it up. So as you are, it gives you the ability to be able to suck the air through and pull it out. But there's a little filter on it that stops it. Yes.

I'm a big fan. I'm a big fan. If William wants to see it in action. I can demonstrate it straight on William if you want. So hit me up, William. I will straight up demo that on your snods. Also, I'll bring my own one. Can we go back to the fact that he said they call bogeys in Bristol boggle?

Boggle, yeah. Boggle. Isn't that a board game? Yeah, it is. A word game. Do you say boggle or boggle? Boggle? Boggle.

Boggle. Never heard that before. I love a little regional Thing like that You know like Well yeah I've just been away Haven't I to Somerset Yeah

I think they thought I was a local Were they saying Boggle Down there I don't know But I stepped right into The Bristolian accent Somerset accent

You've got it They thought I was local Lady was like You having a lovely day Or today love I was like I am I am I'm just having a local day

Just been to the farm shop Having a delightful day Have you travelled to Farm I love like I am I am I'm just having a local day out just been to the farm shop having a delightful day have you travelled to borrow my love no I've not travelled borrowing me down the road I'm scared last round here

sorry if I offend anybody with my awful accent no because I thought that was your accent when I met you so I feel like you're a natural I'm a natural

I feel like I actually really love the accent I do I think it's phenomenal I do too I'm a sucker for an accent me too yeah well thank you william we appreciate you and we hope that you will allow myself or emma to demonstrate that on your boggle i hope that's cleared things out i literally your snotty nose he nearly passed away and died when i breastfed in front of him so

imagine what the snot sucker's going to do to him. Can we put a teaser in there? We have actually had, we haven't shared this, have we? We've done a collab, haven't we? We've had a secret recording with William and Jordan. It was a fucking fun time. Yeah. We were drinking. Yeah.

You weren't so much because Sadie Baby was here. Well, they gave us one of their Dubonnet and gin, didn't they? They did, for the first time. Which we've been dying to try for ages. Yeah, because we keep seeing it in the studio. Yeah. So we have actually

a little teaser for you so you have to keep your eyes peeled. Help, I sexted my mum club. Is that what we're calling it? We are now. We are. We are now.

But yeah, we got that episode to come but that was really fun. It was a riot, wasn't it? We've met them a couple of times now, haven't we? Yeah.

What a riot. They're so fun, aren't they? Yeah. Well, Jordan, I literally could have melted. He just absolutely, oh, he was holding Sadie, wasn't he? He just melted into. He was loving Sadie. William was like, get that baby away from me.

And Emma just whapped her boob out and William was like. Nearly fainted. But that is a very fun episode to listen to. So don't forget to listen out for that it's time two phase the music it's correspondence all right so yeah i went in straight without you then i'm sorry are you ready hit me up oh i was going from the top. Make it drop. That's a wet ass pussy.

Okay. It's time for another Correspondence Corner. And our Emma. Our Emma. She's going to be taking it away with number one. Okay. This is from Anonymous. Oh, Anonymous.

That's when you know it's bad. That's when you know it's bad. That's when you know it's bad. Hi, I just listened to the episode about Emma talking about staying in touch with her ex. Right. Okay. This is you freaking out about the fact that I'm still. That she told me that she only ever had one true love. That was Stefan.

She didn't. She fucking lied. There's an ex. And even worse, she fucking chills with him. I'm still in love with him. Netflix and chill. No. I'm still in touch with my, to be fair, my high school boyfriend.

Like, there's nothing still there. I hope Anonymous is going to agree with me on this one that this is. Maybe they're anonymous for a reason. Yeah, I'm intrigued. I'm intrigued. This listener says, I'm 32 and still chat to my ex from when I was 17. I'm telling you, it's a thing. Right, get out.

Get out. This is the only one that's written in to say that this is okay. Do you know what? We'll make Safina look like a dick. We'll show it in. We'll shove it in. We're going to take this one. Yeah.

Everyone else agreed with you probably. She does say, he lost his mum when we were together and I met his family. So we keep in touch around birthdays and have each other on socials. My husband doesn't mind. He stole me from him 14 years ago. Right, okay. This is a little bit different to your situation. Yeah, because she's not going out for drinks and chill.

She's not going out for nibbles on a little entree and quaffing on Prosecco. No, I'm not. She stays in contact. I've got my first boyfriend that I was 16. On social media. He is on my socials, yeah. But I don't actively just, I write on his Facebook wall, like, happy birthday. Well, this is exactly what I was 16. On social media. He is on my socials, yeah. But I don't actively just,

I write on his Facebook wall, like, happy birthday. Well, this is exactly what I was saying. Like, they went through a big thing together. He lost his mum when they were together. And she knew the mum and she'd met the family. So I think that's really lovely that they've stayed in touch all these years.

All these years. What's your excuse? Fucking hit me with it. Come on, I'm waiting for it. I knew you were going to say that. No such. Nothing. Just fancy lunch.

So I asked my ex-boyfriend. Come on. I'll bring me two kids. I'll bring my husband as well. Shall I? Fuck it. We'll have a family day out. No reason really.

Just that he's a nice guy. But no, my point is that like you went through such a like pivotal period of your life together. I go through a lot with my fucking postman, but I'm not going out for lunch with him. It's just nice to stay in touch with someone you've got such a shared history with. Look, I'm all for anonymous because this is a bond that just will never break. Yours, I'm still on the fence. I actually think it shows that you're really... Aggressive.

Two time in. Bittertime in bitter twisted not over it no I think it shows that you're really um comfortable and secure in your current relationship actually when you can still talk to your ex and your current partners know there's nothing in it and that you're just you can still be friends don't try making you can still be friends with someone I'm just trying to make myself look better. While in turn making me feel bad. I know.

I know what you're saying. I just, you know, I love the diverse. You just think it's fucking weird. I just find it so funny. I also keep putting myself in the scenario that if I went out for lunch

with my ex-boyfriend, that's as worse as me eating their mushrooms from last week's episode. Fucking. Is it worse than the nail in then mushrooms from last week's episode. Fucking. Is it worse than the nail in the mouth? Yes. I can't even.

I can't even. I can't even fathom. And do you know what? I actually, I don't regret anything in my life. The last ex I do actually regret. And I don't ever regret anything in my life. I just don't know what was wrong with me. To go out with him.

Yeah. I don't. I truly don't know. Is this one you caught watching porn? Yeah. It was horrible me good riddance good riddance see you later he was watching porn it was awkward as fuck i just he's just he just wasn't the he just wasn't my person you know he just i just i just question myself i think that's fine maybe to be in contact with him maybe i'm looking at that scenario if we go to my 16 year old boyfriend exactly nice i don't have a 16 year old boyfriend i meant when i was 16 and i had a boyfriend um lovely guy right yeah lovely guy and he we bumped into each other when he was actually on the hunt for a new girlfriend

for his wife he was having an affair we laugh about it now it wasn't funny at the time it was actually very serious at the time. What I find odd is my mum talks to him probably more than she talks to me. Wow. She stays in contact. My whole family

stay in contact with him because we were very young. But yeah, I wouldn't actively go. And he still lives in the area? Fancy going for lunch. I don't know where he is now. Name, address?

Yeah, do you want to? Do you want to go for lunch? Emma's here just taking any available lunch dates with your exes. Not just my ex. I'll go out with anyone. She'll go out with anybody. I'll send him your way. Do you want the last ex or my first ever ex?

The first one. I've got quite a few. The first one. You haven't really done a good job of selling the middle one. No. No, he's not great. But no, the first one, you know, he's lovely. He's got a little boy now and he's a wonderful human.

There you go. And I don't wish anything. I'd wish him a very, very wonderful life. I just wouldn't go out for lunch with him. Okay. I don't, you know, I think he's great, but not that great. I'll go out for lunch with anyone. Emma will take anyone.

Naked man from Fife. Take him out for a bit of lunch. Sure, why not? Offer him a sandwich. Willy cozy. Hot dog. man from five take him out for a bit of lunch sure why not offer him a sandwich willy cozy hot dog well thanks anonymous thank you for making me feel better you have made emma's day we're going to go back to the 35 000 other messages we've had where people say it's weird with you yeah all right we're still getting getting stories as well of public displays of affection after your train incident.

Wow, that was wild. That are just too much. Kirsty from Scotland says, Hello, ladies. I had to get in touch. Hold on, it's another Scotland. Oh, yes. We've got a lot of stuff going on in Scotland.

It's where all the freaky ones are at. All the kinky buggers. She says, I had to get in touch regarding the PDA of other people. I was on a plane coming back from a trip with work when the couple in the row opposite me were basically dry humping. Yes, you heard that correct. Dry humping. Honestly, it went on for so long. I got that uncomfortable. I was sweating and laughing to my colleague nervously. Oh no. I had to say something to

the stewardess and for the rest of the flight, they kept giving me daggers. Clearly I ruined their fun. Love the podcast. Kirsty from scotland what did you say they took the mile high club to another bloody level you meant to go to the bog you're not meant to sit on the plane seats oh you don't imagine there was children on the plane i love that she um made a complaint like rang rang the thing and she's like what would you like drink snack pack of No, there's just somebody Having sex basically In the row opposite Can you You can't escort them

Out of a plane, can you? They've got to stay there Sorry, are you frolicking? Could you Excuse me Aya number 37 CD is not happy A complaint's been made

With you touching each other's bits Yes She's tickling his balls What can I say? Oh my gosh Can you stop Or get yourselves in the toilet Where no one can see you?

Okay. And I'll give you a badge of honour when you come out. You join the Mile High Club. Well done. Oh my gosh. That's funny though. Have some respect. I don't know.

I don't know in that situation. Like would I? There was a video circulating on social media about a couple just doing it on the beach. Right next to a family. Under a towel. There are beaches for that though, aren't there? What? A sex beach?

Aren't there? Or am I thinking of nudists? they're naked but i don't think they just randomly all start having a massive orgy on the beach not actually a family yeah it was it was a young family and they were just under a towel and they were like there's nothing going there's nothing going on is she wiggled her shorts back up her thing and he bared all his willy out. It's like on Love Island now because they're not allowed to show them actually having sex anymore. Are they not? Well, because they used to show them literally like having sex on top of the sheets. And then they were basically like, that's out of order.

It was under the sheets like Big Brother, wasn't it? Well, no, they showed someone having sex on top of the sheets. What, were they bare bottom now? Yeah. And she basically got like... On daytime television. I think she actually got thrown out of the villa. I thought you were going to say thrush.

Because they weren't allowed... And that too. She got thrown out of thrush. But they you were going to say thrush. Because they weren't allowed. And that too. She got thrown out of thrush. But they weren't allowed to. Basically, I don't think they were allowed to do it anymore. You're not talking about the episode that Alex slept with Miss Wales or Miss. She was a Miss something. That was under the sheets.

But she lost her title because she had sex on national television. On telly. And they did show it. And she was a Miss. So either now on Love Island they're not doing it or they're definitely not showing it. Okay. Because I think they were saying it's basically affecting

the mental health of the contestants too much because they come out and they just get blasted for having sex on telly. But you basically know what they're all up to. It's when they're like

We need to take our microphones off. The mic is still on. Nothing to see here. Nothing to see here. What are you doing? Itchy legs. I'm just sleeping. Nothing to see here. What are you doing? Itchy legs. I'm just sleeping. It's really out of breath.

It's really tiring work, this sleep. We all know what you're up to. That was the episode, Alex and, and look at them now. Alex and Olivia Bowen. Married and they had a baby. And they've got a baby. Imagine that being on telly though. Forever.

I don't know. I fucking love them both. I'm not going to lie. Guilty pleasure. That episode was the best one. That series? a baby and they've got a baby imagine that being on telly though forever i don't know i fucking love them both i'm not gonna lie guilty pleasure that episode was the best one that series yeah that series that particular episode the sex episode you pervert um no that was the best that was the best series i agree it was also um nathan and cara love that one yeah it was nathan and cara and they've gone on to have babies too they've got two yeah and then there was another episode

I don't know who it was I don't think they were in them it was the really well spoken lady she was really really oh I love them Camilla and Jamie and they've just had

their third baby they've got three they have just had their third baby I love those guys and they've done a lot of work I've got to love them

love a bit of reality I haven't watched it I don't think since i don't think it'll ever be the same without um caroline flack i haven't i've not i don't think i've got on board with it since since then no god bless her heart i feel like it's that was hers and she was so good at that she was so good at that loved it but thank you so much clearly everything is happening it wasn't in scotland unless they were flying over Scotland. Kirsty's just from Scotland.

I wonder where she was flying from. Maybe she was flying over Scotland. Maybe it was the naked man that was on the, in five. Same guy. Jumped on the flight. Dry hampering the passengers. So thank you for all your messages.

If you have any comments, thoughts, or fun stories, why not get in touch? Email us hello at secretmumpod.com or with secretmumpod on tiktok and instagram next it's time for one of your secrets and emma needs a pee because i'm so funny she's gonna piss her pants i feel like we've lost the plot we are delirious So welcome back. Now, before we get into the extra secret of the week, we have a little announcement to make. As you know, next week marks the start of a new school term

and it just so happens that we've got a new timetable. After releasing our episode on Tuesday this week, we've had a few messages saying you preferred it. So we've decided to keep it going. We're going to carry on releasing our usual episodes on Tuesday instead of Monday. It's just a little change to the week, but the same honest parenting stories and still plenty of poo chat. So make sure to join us every Tuesday and Thursday each and every week. Put it in your diary now. Right, let's get into your secret.

Emma, what do you have for us? This might be an all-timer. It's so good. Oh my gosh. It comes in anonymously. It's going to be wild. As do all the bad ones. Buckle up your pants.

All right, it says, hi ladies. So my secret is pretty horrific, but here we go. I was listening to an episode where Safina was talking about her hemorrhoid, and I thought I would send a story in about mine. I call him Percy the Pile. Oh, God, love Percy. Welcome to the chat, Percy. Percy has entered the chat.

Percy has entered the diary room. All right, I'm a mum to a young baby, and last month I had my first night away with the girls baby free we went to a concert fuck me I sound old oh yeah what do they call it now gig gig

yeah we went to a concert and you know what it's like train drinks at 10am followed by a wine lunch well I always tend to get a bit carried away and this time was no different

I love that do you like the early the day drinking you could be home by 5pm and in bed exactly asleep

no hangover good 12 hour sleep love it lovely we get back to the Airbnb naturally immediately we strip off You could be home by 5pm and in bed. Exactly. Asleep, no hangover. Good 12 hour sleep. Love it. We get back to the Airbnb. Naturally, immediately, we strip off and start getting ready. Dancing around, baps out and all. Go on, girls.

For some reason, I decide to sit on the floor and throw my legs back in the air behind my... She got Percy out. She got Percy out at girls' night. Fucking hell. These are the girls I want to be friends with. This is... Where are these girls? Where are they from? Why are we anonymous? We should be in a girl This is, where are these girls? Where are they from? Why are we anonymous?

We should be in a girl group chat, a girl band. Yeah, name yourself. Yes. I want to be friends with you. She says, I throw my legs back in the air behind my head. When I come up, I do the loudest fanny fart. Fucking hell. Queef.

Queef. Obviously, I find this funny, so I keep on doing it. Anyway, skip to a few hours later. After more drinks, i'm dancing away and i feel a pain in my bum hole i go to the loo and take a sneaky phone pic only to see percy poking out with full force and looking rather angry oh my god i don't think i'll ever eat a Percy pig the same again. All I've got is images of Percy pig poking out of her bum hole.

Oh, my Christ. Is that what it... I've not been blessed with piles. It literally looks like something hanging out of your bum hole. Yes, like, see, piles come in and out. Hemorrhoids stay on the outside. So, hemorrhoids is just loads of skin tags on the outside of your bum hole, just like saggy little tiny ball bags.

Right, and you just leave them there. You don't get them removed? Well, you can have an elastic band, but the problem is the likelihood of them coming back is really high.

But piles, you actually have to lubricate your bum hole to push it back in. It comes out. It looks like pinky in the brain. It just pops out. So it just lives up there forever

and then when you strain too hard, it comes out? Yeah, it's basically like a hernia for men. You know, like a hernia. I've got a hernia in my tummy. Oh, there you go. I was going to out yeah it's basically like a hernia for men you know like a hernia I've got a hernia in my tummy oh there you go

so I was going to say men anyone can get a hernia but it basically is like a hernia you know how busts out the doesn't it a hernia is when it's

yeah I've got one in my stomach after having Joseph that's basically like your bum hole it's just that bit pushes out wow

this next sentence is one oh for the ages yes I queefed a pile out of my ar, I queefed a pile out of my arse. I queefed a pile out of... That's because you got too carried away and you kept blowing them out. This is what happens when you start drinking at 10 o'clock in the morning.

You're queefing out piles from your bumhole. Queefing out piles by 5pm. What were you thinking? Managed to get him back in and enjoyed the rest of my night. Oh, thank fuck for that. Percy popped out For a quick show And it was him Had a bit of Prosecco

And off he went Had a good time He had a great time Back home The next morning Scrolling through my camera roll Was a shocker Oh fucking hell

Fucking hell She's got the phone pic Imagine your iCloud gets hacked Delete it From all platforms It's alright It's like the weekend I have like my I took pictures of my body like after I'd had the baby

to do like a progression but some of them I don't have anything clothing on and then the weekend we were away Dottie took the tablet and she was like come sit everybody come sit and look through mummy's pictures well you can imagine fucking how that went

down like a lead balloon oh my god passed on an aeroplane a queef in a girls night with your pile popping out hey at least you didn't queef a pile out of your ass

oh my gosh and be warned that is absolutely iconic isn't it isn't it I hope he's okay Percy yeah and your soul back in

get a bit of and your soul up the bum hole i forgot i got that on tap now from boots yeah hashtag ad hashtag spawn hashtag not gifted i bought it myself i love that please i wish you'd named yourself i want to be friends with you oh this is the kind of girls that we need do you ever get sad that you don't because you you do have a big girl group i don't know things like this make me think these were the girls that i should have had have had been friends with like at school or whatever yeah i don't have a big group of girlfriends anymore do you no i never have no no mine was always the boys yeah exactly and the boys have got married and then the girls stop you seeing the boys how depressed those girls expresso depresso get me one no but i but i've always yeah but i'm quite happy with my buddies my baby buddies i've got my sister though haven't

i and i see my sister so much yeah and i feel like my sister makes up for like my mine and my sister's relationship is intense yeah i don't think i could handle yeah like five or six girlfriends to try and keep up with no i mean the girls i met at uni are like my people who I'm still friends with. Yes. And we have a riot together but we don't roll around on the floor with our baps out

and queefing out our piles. You know? Should we try it? Could you imagine if we two, you and me go away for the night, what did you two do?

Queef out any piles? No, we just slept. We slept for about 15 hours. That's my problem. I'm fucking boring. I didn't want to say anything but yeah.

So that's it for today's episode. Thank you for all your secrets and stories. Have you ever named your piles? Or told on some sky-high dry humpers? Email hello at secretmumpod.com or with Secret Mumpod on TikTok and Instagram. And this weekend, we've got the Sunday Soap. And we'll be back on

tuesday next week and we'll see you next time on the secret mum club