Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Playground Bangers

Episode Date: July 15, 2025

Soph and Emma are in a reminiscent mood as they cast their minds back to when "innocent" sing-alongs ruled the playground and MSN Messenger was life. Plus, one mum's secret has both the ladies outraged! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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CONNECTS Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. Hello, this is the Secret Mum Club. I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. And this podcast is a safe space for mums everywhere. A safe space to share our secrets. Because we all have secrets, don't we? We do. And as we know, sharing is caring. You don't even have to tell us who you are.

You can keep that to yourself. You can be anonymous. And all those secrets can be serious or silly. All secrets are welcome in the Secret Mum Club. Oh, just bashed my muff for me chin. You just chinned your nut. Chinned your nut. Chinned your muff. Chinned your muff.

She chinned her muff. Chinned my muff. Chinned. It's a really hard word to enough. Chinch enough. She chinned her mouth. Chinch my mouth. Chinch, chinch. Yeah. It's a really hard word to say. It's a long day. Chinch your mouth. Chinned your mouth.

You chinned your mouth. Did you used to sing that song at school, Shave Your Nut? No, we used to sing, Olly, olly, olly, tits in a trolley, balls in a biscuit tin. I was laying on the grass with a finger up my arse with balls going ding-a-ling-a-ling.

Wow. There was one about my little girls school, but I have to say the school and I don't really want to say. No, no. I actually, I need to know this. Do girls have songs or do they have songs at school? Yeah. That's what I mean. Does anybody have songs at schools now? Wow. I was just going to go in with Samson Shave Your Nose. I still reference that all the time. I don't know why. Is it a song? Yeah. It was about Samson from the Bible who had all his hair shaved off his head. And I believe then he lost his power.

Like his hair was his power. Oh, yours is actually biblical. Biblical, but it was like, I can't remember the tune, but it used to go, the song used to go, Samson, shave your nut. But obviously in primary school assembly, they were asking for it. Everyone used to go, Samson, shave your nuts.

Oh, okay. Which I still sing all the time. Do you? 30 years later. Oh, yeah. So, mine sing all the time. Do you? 30 years later. Oh, yeah. So, mine wasn't as crazy as yours. Mine was out there. Mine was out there wild.

It was survival of the fittest at school. True. That is crazy, that song. From the hood, don't you know? Oh my God. I'm not. I'm not from the guillie. Kids are talking about having a finger up their bum.

I dread to think. I don't think I've ever had a finger up the bum. I think it was just the rhyming word. No, I know. But like, they're singing about it. I don't think it was necessarily to do that. At the point, can I just add though, we'll just clarify, it was a very naive 11, 12, you were old enough. You wouldn't have known what that meant. No idea. I just sang along. And I loved that I learned the lyrics and I used to sing along with all the cool kids. And you still remember them. Yeah. But I still now, I only sing the lyrics. I don't actually really listen. To what you're saying. No. Yeah. I just sang it because it was cool and all the cool kids. And you still remember them. Yeah, but I still now only sing the lyrics. I don't actually really listen to what you're saying.

No. Yeah. I just sung it because it was cool and all the cool kids were saying it. I didn't know that you actually fingered the bum. Yeah. Fingering the bum. Wow. That's quite a lot, wasn't it? Olly olly olly, tits in the trolley.

Balls in a biscuit tin. Don't even have tits to put in a trolley now. So who's laughing? Not me. Send us your inappropriate school rhymes. Yes. Hello at secretmomclub.com. This would actually be a fun. But please follow us as well while you're at it. If you're emailing in with your high school songs. Follow, rate and review.

Follow, rate and review. That could be a fun one. It can only be a five and above. Yeah. Yeah. No bad, no baddies. Yeah. No bad reviews.

But please follow. That is the crucial thing. That's the main thing here. We could go transatlantic with this. I'd love to know what people were singing at school in America, Australia. I always wonder. I always wonder if they have the same things as us in America. I can't imagine them singing that in America. No. Tits and arse.

I always find Americans are like really cool. I thought you were going to say prudish. No, cool. Like imagine them to be really cool. Like when I watch, I've got some really amazing American influencers that I find that I just adore. And I watched them, I just think. I'll never be as cool as you. And they're younger than me. And I'm just like, so cool.

I think young people in general are cool now, cooler than we were. Well, their moms, like there's one, I specifically love Maggie. She used to be Maggie Ease. She is now sober and on a sober journey. She's got three children and I'm utterly obsessed with her. Truly.

There is, I just love her so much with my whole entire heart. She just brings me so much incredible joy, but she's, I think she's a couple of years younger than us. She's just really fucking cool. Like I cannot tell you how cool she is. I just watch her. Can't relate. Yeah, I don't get the same with you.

I can't relate to her. I think you're pretty cool to be honest. Do you? Yeah, I do. Thank you. You got to hang out with your, who you adore. Oh, your heroes. Are we saying heroes?

Should we say heroes? You can be my hero baby. Should we say legends? Yeah, let's say legends. I adore you. It's all banter here. People think I mock you, purposely. Yeah. But it's just banter.

It's like when I always slag off Stefan and people are like, oh wow. She doesn't actually like him. That means that I love and respect him because I can slag him off. I think it's a Leo thing. Is it a Leo thing for you and me? I'm cancer and Leo.

You're more Leo than you are cancer. Do you think? And you're on the cusp. I am on the cusp. The clash was Leo and my ass. Yeah. You've got a little bit of cancer there though. Yeah. No, I am a little bit.

They're like more, you know, loyal, keep a small circle like their own company. That's me. Leo, bold, center of attention. Annoying. Annoying, argumentative, love hard. Big lovers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're big lovers.

Yeah, big feels. I'm not as much on that. You're not so much an affectionate. Big lovers. We're big lovers. Yeah, big feels. I'm not as much on that. You're not so much an affectionate. Big hate. Hate, hate, hate. Double hate. Low the jib. Hate, hate, hate. Bad vibes. If I could roll up ever into anything, it would be the Grinch. All year round, not just seasonal.

Yeah. But that's why we love you. And then a new catchphrase today. Did you know about FOMO, fear of missing out. There's a new one apparently. Fobo. Romo, relief of missing out. And that is me.

You're a Romo. Yeah. There's another one, phobia, fear of being included. I was going to say phobia. I know phobia. Yeah. So that's, they're both me. I don't even want to be invited to anything.

I thought it was phobo, but it's phobia. Yeah. Fear of being included, Fear of being invited. I'm definitely Fomo all the time. Are you? Yeah. Do you ever get Romo though? Like you actually just want to stay at home and not do anything. You love staying at home. Rolo. Rofflo. What's the one?

Ruffle. Rolling on the floor laughing. Rofflo. PMSL. BLB. GT2. LFO. GT2. LFO. GTG. GTG.

Got to go. I always have to think about that. That was MSN messenger. So am I, MSN messenger. Oh God. So is So messenger. GTG. BRB.

Oh God. BK. Millennials will know. BK. Got to go, mum needs to use the phone. BRB. Oh, God. BK. Millennials will know. Aww. BK. Gotta go, my mum needs to use the phone. Do you remember that?

Mom, get off the landline! E I'm getting a fucking great connection today. Be back online in 10 minutes when dial-ups finished. My mom needs to ring the fucking nan. Hurry up mom! An hour later. My friends are waiting for me on the group chat. It used to be the games for me. Got so much nostalgic, like I wish you could just log into it now.

My sister used to work in town. I used to work at a place called Wainwrights Bowling Green. And every day going to work in town. I used to work at a place called Wayne Wright's Bowling Green. And every day going to work, my sister used to drive me to work, drop me off at the bowling green. Then she used to drive up to the top of town and she used to go to work at Field Palmer's, which is at the top end of town. It's an estate agent, but she works on the letting side. She doesn't want me anymore. And we used to race. So I used to get into Wayne Wright's, turn everything on. I was a receptionist. I used to get my MSN up, get my game pending on MSN. And my sister then used to go to her office. Log on there. And I used to, we used

to write, write messages, play games. And there's a reason why you're not in those jobs anymore because you weren't doing any fucking work. I used to say to my sister, sorry, someone wants me to fucking photocopy a hundred pieces of paper. I'll be back in a minute. People keep phoning me. Sorry, gotta go. Someone's at the door! God, honestly. That sounds a bit highbrow for you. Working at a bowling green?

No offence. Oh, it wasn't anything to do with the bowling green. It was arranging cargo on and off of cargo ships. That's more you. Like a Willanious Wilhamson. I can't believe I still remember that. I didn't arrange any cargo. I just answered the phone and I used to have to put people through. Oh yeah, no, I can see that's more you. Yeah, that's fun.

Distribution. I was just distributing the call. I'm taking nothing serious. Not playing bowls. You want to make a complaint? I've got a number for you to go to. Not me! Let me just put you through there.

Okay. Thank you. Hold me for a second. I should do that. This is your hobby for today. Did you try and sneak words into the call? Like when I worked in a call center, people be like, oh, in this call, see if you can say flange or something. This day is so flangey. Sorry, did you say it was Regina Flangy? Oh no, sorry. I got sacked from the call center. I hated it so much. Respect to anyone who still works

at one because they are hard work. Really hard. Got called to see you next Tuesday once. What a time to be alive. Oh, I've been called that though, not in a call center. Face to face, daily. I was a little bit of an asshole when I was a child, if you couldn't tell. Up to the age of probably about 19, 20. 35. I'm still an asshole. No, you've really changed in the last year.

It's got much better. I'm joking. I'm joking. We're going to be 37 though. Gosh, I know. In a couple of weeks actually. We are all going to be 37. What are you doing?

Nothing. Earlier I said to Emma, we were meant to be having a photo shoot, right? Because we've got something exciting happening with the podcast. Well, it's exciting for me and Emma. You might just be like, you like this shit up for no reason. But we've got something exciting happening. First of all, I asked if we want to do it on the 23rd of July. And I said, we can't. That's Emma's birthday. So when I said to her, oh, they were trying to do it on your birthday, Emma. But I said, we can't do it. It's your birthday. And she went, why the fuck not? I'm not five. I'm sorry.

Cause I said, I don't have any plans for my birthday anyway. I don't need to have a party on the day. I'm not five. It's a feeling of I'm having a huge party on my birthday, but yours falls on a Saturday to be fair. So you have to have a party. And technically I'm celebrating with my brother. So I celebrate him than I do.

Yeah. 2020. Because again, and that is not me joking either, because I have children, everything is about celebrating my babies. So when it's their birthdays, I want everyone to go gung-ho on that, go in. It's their, celebrate them.

I feel much more comfortable celebrating other people's birthday than mine. I don't want to like demand attention, you know? And it's not that he doesn't have children, I want to make it all about him. Make a fuss of him. Does he like having a big party? No. Fucking hates him. He just likes a very small circle.

He's like, do I have to do this every year? He's just so chill. He's just the complete opposite of me. He's just so chillaxed. Yeah, you're yin and yang, aren't you? So, so chilled. Yeah. So yeah, no plans. To be fair to you, I was going to tell you about my week, but I am so knee deep in the end of school. I can't, I'm losing, I've lost sight, I've lost sight of it. I might as well just fucking blindfold myself now for all of those that can't see me. I'm covering my eyes because I can't, I can't, I can't cope anymore. I thought end of time was a piece of piss. Hello? Anybody out there? Out there? You're joking. July is fucking shit. Is it? You've got fucking end of year assemblies,

you've got dress down days, you've got sports days, you've got transition days. All fun. Fun, but very stressful when you've got to stay on top of everything. There's special lunches, there's a whole... And we're now in party season. I feel like party season really ramps up in July. You've got to remember parties.

I've got to be back today, I've got a party today. Birthday party. Just remembered that. It's tough, plus 12. You've got to remember parties. I've got to be back today. I've got a party today. Birthday party. Remember that. It's tough plus 12. I've got a party today. Well, not me personally, but Dottie has to be at party. Birthday party. Yeah, after school. Do they still have school discos? Yeah, you get school discos, but this now in July, they have like a disco in the playground.

So you've got to remember that. And also you've got to pay for that because there is snacks. What do I tell you? It's a lot. Then I'm also trying to arrange birthdays because not only do I have my birthday in Richie's, but obviously mainly Richie's, I've got my niece and my nephew. But on top of that, it's my niece's last year of school. She's 16. Also, it's prom season. Oh, yeah.

So she's having her first prom. She's also just had her first ever job interview, which we're ecstatic about. Like the whole family is ecstatic about it. So when I tell you July is ram-o'd in the main room, I'm not kidding. And then we've got the August and September birthdays coming in heart as well. We've got Culber's birthday coming in the midst of all of this. So it is full on wild out there. It's wild out there. So do I know what the fuck has happened? No. All I know is that I had a wonderful day on Saturday. The weather, chef's kiss. It was an absolute

delight. We have to address the weather. I had everybody around my house. Everybody was in their bathers. They were in and out of the paddling pool. The children were just loving life. All the adults are there and I bought myself a new ninja wood fire. What's that? It's a fucking pizza oven for your garden. Oh, is it amazing? Emma, I can't tell you how much satisfaction it's bought my life. Do you make your own dough? Changed. I do make, well, I buy the powder from Sainsbury's, you just add a bit of water to it. 90p. Do you know what? The other day I fed all 10 of us, because my mum and dad

weren't there, I fed all 10 of us for less than 30 pounds. You can't even get a Domino's pizza. That in Domino's would be 160, 170 pounds. Yeah, fed them all and I just chefed away cooking pizzas all day in the sunshine. Everyone was happy. I even got a little slushy machine going. It was a dream boat. So I really needed that. I needed some calm in my store because it's, I don't know, my ass from my elbow. It's transition day today as well. That means they're going up to see their new teachers. Yeah, they go and have a day in what would be their next year's class. And I feel like last year, because we spoke about it last year, and I was very emotional about it last

year if you remember, because when I went to pick Colby up from the playground, the episode is still there, you can go back and listen, but when I picked Colby up from the playground, he didn't get the teacher that he wanted, nor did he get any of the friends. This year round, he's not bothered. He's not bothered about what teacher he gets. Also, we're not blending the classrooms this year. He's staying with everyone. We're staying, we're staying, the whole class is staying as it is and then moving up and all we're doing is moving up to a new teacher. So he's just like, my mom, chill. I've got all my pals that I've made for the last year. I could have any teacher.

Is he going from year four to five? We're going four to five. This is a big one. I feel like, I feel like girls and guys, we need to prepare ourselves because next year is going to be a toughie because we are going to have a year three and a year sixer in the same school. That's end of school. Dottie is currently going into year two, which will last year have her infants. Then she'll move over to juniors when her and Colby will have their first year together in the school. And then he goes to secondary. In the same school. And then I'm gonna apply for secondary.

Next year's a huge year. Yeah. I literally feel physically sick. Jo Jo will be going to primary as well. This is wild. School applications are like, Joseph's school application's open in November this year. Yeah.

For him to go to school. You have to apply for secondary school when they start year six. Do you? Does he not just go, is there not like a natural progression to like, you actually have to apply for a secondary school? I have to apply for Dottie to join Colby's Junior School. Do you?

I thought they just went up. I don't remember any of this shit. My parents were probably doing it. But I don't remember this. But then you wouldn't know, because your mom and dad would have never sat down and gone, oh, we've got to apply. Yeah.

And there was no, I don't know what yours was like, but there was no question. It was like, I just went to this primary school and then I went to that secondary school and that was it. There was no like options. My mom and dad did give me options as to what I wanted to do. Yeah. There was no option for me. They did give me an option as to what I would like to do, but it's hard now because it's obviously you have to be in your catchment area of where you're living as to what school you want to go to. And we kind of in the area

we live in, we're kind of in a cusp of like three secondary schools as to we're not in the catchment of any. So we just got to choose one, chuck the piss into the wind. Yeah, just see what sticks. You'll see what, yeah. You'll see what sticks, but it's a minefield. It's huge.

Secondary school is a big deal as well. I don't really care what primary school they go to, but secondary school is more important. I don't know, do you know what? I would have probably said the same as you before I started primary school and now I wish I'd taken it a little bit more seriously. Oh really? Yeah. I could just picture local school and that was it. I definitely do think it's shaping the children. It's very important, especially year, like

year R was great, but year one, when it starts to get a little bit more serious, I would, yeah, I would, my only advice would be, yeah, just make sure you do go around, view lots and see if there is lots in your area, view them and definitely get a feel for them because it is big. It's a big deal. Until you get into it, it's actually huge. Because I was I was like, I'm not really bothered until they go to secondary when actually, no, this school selection for Colby was so massive. And we talked about it on the pod again, to put in moving Colby from the school that he was at

to a completely different school. It was huge. It was a big thing to do. Best decision I ever made. Was it? Yeah, best decision I ever made. Yours is weird. Yours is like split, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Best decision I ever made. Yours is weird. Yours is like split,

isn't it? Yeah. So it came from an infant junior split and we've gone to another infant junior split. But there is also what's called a primary school, which is a school that starts from year R and goes straight to year six. Yeah. That's what I am more familiar with. Right. Okay. Yeah. Wow. Huge, huge time for you. Huge time. Yeah. It's giving me a little bit of the heebie-jeebies. Yeah. I don't like it. I don't. It's for me, it's just the unsettling of the apple cart. And again, I know I probably shouldn't, but I always revert it back to when I was that age and how I hated it. You hated all of school, even primary school.

Yeah. I hated it. I just hated school in general. It just wasn't for me. And I'm trying really hard not to project my own experience or my trauma onto the children. So I try my best to make it fun and enjoyable. And you know, there's no pressure for me. And I'm one of those that, you know, if a child wants to learn, they will learn. I'm not somebody that pushes it on the children. I'm not somebody that's, we must do this. We have to do this. We must do that. If Dottie wants to read a book to me, let's sit down and read. But if

she said to me, mom, I don't want to read today, just, I just won't push it. I'm just not that, I'm not that mom. I truly, I truly believe that, you know, if they want to learn, they're going to learn in that, in the nicest way possible. So as much as yes, I'm all about picking the right school, but I also do feel like it has to be the right environment as well for them to learn. So as much as I can keep them calm and show them that school is a great place to be, as long as they're happy, kind, patient, and they're working as hard as they possibly can. I can't ask for anymore. I'm happy with that. And they're both wonderful children. They are. In school. You should be very proud. They're pretty good when they come here to

be fair. No, I am very lucky. I'm very lucky. They are great children and they're both doing really well at school. So it's a big time. So I hope everybody's had a lovely transition time, transition. Because I don't know if we all do it on the same day. Is it the same for everyone? I don't know. I don't know. So I hope it's been OK for everybody. Obviously, school places and stuff about children getting into their first ever schools.

That was a big thing. Yes, I think that happened. Wasn't that a couple of weeks ago? It was a while ago. Yeah. I remember my neighborhood WhatsApp group was popping off that day. And I was like, what? Popping in the party.

What's going on? It's a lot. It's gonna be us next year. It means Stefan, isn't it? Yeah, it will. Little Jojo. Yeah, that's huge. I heard some people complaining about like younger siblings

not getting into the same schools as their older siblings, which I think is mental. I thought it was basically guaranteed that if you had a child at the school, the sibling would probably get in. Cause you're not to do two different school drop-offs. Are you? I don't know how it works or if it's a busy year. Like I was really lucky with Colby to be able to place him in a school that wasn't in our catchment when he started school because the year Colby was born was really quiet. Yeah. How funny that some years there are more babies born than others.

Dottie's year is massive. It's huge the year that she was born. So busy. Do you know what I was saying to you when we were talking about it off mic, it's like another language to me, this school transition chat. It's like none of it makes sense until you're in it. But you wait till you get into it. Oh, I'll be balls deep in it next year. You are going to be. Get some wellies on my girl because you are going to be balls deep in the school stuff.

Go away. I was gonna say school shit but I didn't mean it like it's shit. I want to be on the like PTA and stuff you know. I want to be like involved. I want to be an active member of the community. I'm gonna be that. I'm gonna be that mom. Do you know what the worst thing is is that I can imagine you doing such a splendiferous job doing that. I'd love it. Yeah I bet you would. I'll be the teacher's worst nightmare. Excuse me there's something on the curriculum that I don't quite agree with. Oh, do you know what? The fear, the fear of God. And I do know what this is no joke because that actually would be what Emma does.

But anywho, there's a lot of my shit today. How was yours? Well, do you know what? What happened this week? You know, I gave Sadie the chicken pot shab. I was about to say, talk to me about, did she get it? Well, I don't know. Because it's live.

Basically, I don't know what happened. She's, she's not been too well. The couple of days after she had the job, she wasn't very well. We had to pick her up early from nursery. Um, first day because she had a crazy temp and was quite hot and floppy. And then after that, she was not floppy, just lethargic. Okay. Wanted to sleep. But also it was a really hot day. So hard to know. But we had also been, but also it was a really hot day. So hard to know. But we had also been around our friend's daughter. Who had chickenpox?

Who had had hand for her mouth. Oh crumbs. So it was really hard to know because I gave Sadie the vaccine and the pharmacist did say it's a live vaccine. She might get a little bit ill from it. And she was a little bit ill, had a high temp and then was much more herself after that,

but had a rash. Okay. Mostly on her arms, weirdly, not on her hand, her feet. I thought you were gonna say her hand, feet, and her mouth. And her mouth, so I wonder what it was. No, when Joseph had hand, foot, and mouth, he had the spots in all those places, but she didn't have rashes on her hands, her feet,

or her mouth. Mouth, wrong. Mainly on her arms, her legs. Maybe it was just a heat rash. A bit on her belly and a bit on her back. So I was like, could be a number of things. It could have been the hand, foot, and mouth. It could have been the heat rash. It could have been the ham fit mouth. It could have been the heat rash.

It could have been the chicken pox jab. I'm not sure. But we had to pick her up early from nursery two days last week. So she just was not quite herself. So I'm not sure whether, I'm thinking now, because you've got to take a second dose of the chicken pox jab.

So stupid question then, if you're giving her the live vaccine and is in her system, then to go to nursery, is then children, sorry, I had a belch then, able you're giving her the live vaccine and is in her system, then to go to nursery is then children, sorry, I had a belch then, able to catch that. Well, that's the thing because nursery, I think we're a bit like, oh, can you take her in and she's not very well. And I was like, well, she's I think she's having a reaction to her jab, which obviously I wasn't expecting because when we gave it to Joseph, he was fine. He didn't have anything. But also I was like, but she's also been around this

other baby that had hand-firm mouth, which we didn't realize. So no one else at nursery has contracted anything, thank God, but I don't know where the nursery were a bit like, why have you sent her in? And she could still be contagious. So did you know that before you took her to nursery? No, no, no, no, no, we dropped her off

thinking she'd be absolutely fine. Because you wouldn't have taken her in, had you known. No, no, no, but then I had to pick her up, literally this is the day after she had the jab when she had like the crazy high temperature. So I didn't know and Joseph was fine with it. So I just wasn't expecting her to have like any reaction But it was it was because it was timing with the scene the child that had a hand for her mouth as well I just wasn't sure. I wasn't sure what it was. But anyway, she's okay now. She's much better

But she just really wasn't herself for a couple of days And now I'm thinking when I give her the second dose is the same. You've got to go for another one. It comes in two doses. You've got to get another one in six to eight weeks. So I'm hoping it wasn't that and that she's going to be all right. And obviously like this is a side effect of giving her the vaccine, but it's a much milder form of what it would be if she actually got chicken pox. And like the spots didn't bother her at all. Like she wasn't scratching or anything.

But then isn't the chicken pox just a one time thing? It is, yeah. You can only get it once in your life, can't you? But she probably would have got it, if she'd got actual chicken pox, like would have got it worse. Like this was just a rash. It wasn't like- Has Joseph had chicken pox before? No, because he's- Did you give him the vaccine as well? He had the vaccine when he was about 14 months and Sadie's 15 months.

But yeah, it's funny how they react differently. But also by this point, Joseph had had every illness going under the sun. He'd had hand for a mouth twice. He contracted everything from nursery, like that first winter that he started. Sadie has not been as ill as Joseph, but she's had like lower level like colds

and stuff like that. And I think that's just because she had always had him like bringing back germs to nursery. So her immune system was like great from when she was a baby. But yeah, she's not being quite herself but she's totally back to normal now, which is great. Because I don't know about Rennie,

but like she is at such a great age at the moment. Like she is cracking me up. They're just so funny, aren't they? They're so funny, so cute. Like she is really chatting and having like full conversations and reading full books with like such enthusiasm and gusto. But it's gibberish. It's a red, red, red, red.

Renly does this way, he points at himself and he, Rrrr. Like he's doing an imaginary, telling himself off. Why you little. Why I oughta. Why I oughta. No, it's the slamming of the doors for me and he'll slam the door so hard and he looks around like.

Ah. Who did that? Who did that? Who did that? Was that me? But he's getting good with saying things now, like he does round around the garden. Tiggly under there. And he says, mama. Mama is really cute.

Mama with the Miss Rachel sign. Mama. Oh, I just can't. She's just so funny. But also on the flip side, really angry. Really angry. Joseph and Sadie have switched places now where he was always the more difficult one.

And then she, as the little baby, was like so easy. He now is becoming, again, love him like so easy. We have full conversations. He's so grown up. He's just like brilliant at the moment. She is becoming a f***ing nightmare. Renly is mad. He is very, she's wild.

He's very angry at the world. They won't do anything they don't want to do. I said to Stefan, we're getting early, early toddler tantrums. If you sit her down, she doesn't want to sit down. Renly does this really, I don't even know how to reenact it. Renly basically does this really slow lie down on the floor. I'm going to have to try and film it. I'm going to have to try and film it. Or he does a really, straight legs. And definitely found his willy. Can't stop with the willy. I think it will come to my secret of the

week, but there is a reason as to why there is a new obsession with the little Willy. Colby never touched his. Renly doesn't leave it alone. What is that about? But there we go. That's our weeks this week. So Emma and I really want to hear from you. Yeah. We want you to join us in the Secret Mum Club. You're all welcome. You can share your secrets with us, respond to what we've been talking about, or just say, hello. You can find us on TikTok and Instagram. Just search Secret Mum Pod or you can email us hello at secretmumpod.com. This episode is sponsored by the OCS Summer Pre-Roll Sale. Sometimes when you roll your own joint, things can turn out a little differently than what you expected. Maybe it's a little too loose. Maybe it's a little too flimsy.

Or maybe it's a little too covered in dirt because your best friend distracted you when you dropped it on the ground. There's a million ways to roll a joint wrong, but there's one roll that's always perfect. The Pre-Roll. Shop the Summer Pre-Roll and Inf infuse pre-roll sale today at ocs.ca and participating retailers. It's time for... Correspondence Corner. Love the, um, chins, chin muff. Um, so Emma, let's hear, let's hear what we got today. All right. It says, hi, lovely ladies.

Hello. I recently started listening to the pod and I've just reached the episode where baby Sadie is introduced and had to share a funny story. Like Emma, my mom was convinced throughout her pregnancy that I was going to be a boy. She had a C-section and when they announced I was a little girl, she didn't believe them. So when they brought me up to her, the first thing she did was look between my legs,

straight at my vagina, not at my face, just as she could confirm for herself. Yeah. Make sense, right? Of course, yeah. Once she was satisfied, I was indeed a girl. She looked at my tiny squashed face and said, "'Go and clean her, she's covered in gunk,' referring to my lovely, waxy fanny batter.

Fanny batter. I'm 27 now and I still love this story so much. Thank you for preparing me for my future children with your amazing podcast. God bless you. Lots of love. Courtney in Western Australia. Wow!

Coming from far, far away. Very far away. I mean, you've got to look at the bits first. Obviously all the babies' faces look the same. The only thing to differentiate them is the genitals. I looked at Dottie and I said, I thought she was a girl. And the lady said, she is a girl. And I said, what's happened to her?

Why does she have a willy? She went, it's not a willy, that's just her. Swollen vagina. Her vagina's very swollen. I was like, that is swollen. Definitely don't, well, mine probably resembled the same to be honest, after just give them birth. Like mother like daughter.

Yes. And then yeah, I did, she, she wasn't the cutest. Yeah, you have said, yeah. I know, I do. I love her dearly and now she's so beautiful, definitely grew into her face, but there was a split second where I was like, oh my, oh gosh, no one take any pictures of her please. No, it was a wonderful moment. But it's honest, I'm being honest. Yes. It was a terrifying moment. Yeah.

Especially when it's your first baby as well. And again, you don't expect these things, no fanny batter on your baby. I didn't have any fanny batter on mine. Isn't it when they're fully cooked? Overdue? When they're... Is there more batter on them? Isn't it when they're fully cooked? Overdue? When they're- Is there more batter on them when they're overdue? When they're overdue, they start to like lose it and get like dry, don't they?

That's like, cause they're ready to come out. Whereas Colby and Dot's had loads. Did she? Yeah, she was, she was a bad sausage that one. She was dripping in the fanny batter. She was drenched in the fanny batter. Well Courtney, God bless you. Yeah.

And I hope our podcast doesn't scare you too much. I'm sure her mum's story has scared her enough. I don't know. This podcast could be a little wild. What a birth story. What a birth story, that one. We appreciate you. Thank you so much.

And welcome to the Secret Mum Club because you're new to the fam. Welcome. Yeah, welcome Courtney. So you can get in touch with us on anything at all. Yeah, it can be serious or silly and you can be totally anonymous. Because between us, we've probably heard it all before and remember, we're all in this together and we know that we are, we're all stars and we see that. that. Brava, brava. Right. Here is my secret of the week. Right. Following on from the touching of the willy. Yes. Not a great opening statement to start with, but. Renly's. Renly is obsessed with his willy to the point, he just loves it. He loves to squeeze it, pull it, whatever he loves to do

with it. Just is very fascinated by his own willy. Colby never had that, never touched it, wasn't bothered about it being there. Redlee, because we are out in the garden and the weather is absolutely scorches, we are in and out of the paddling pool. Scorches, it is scorches. We're out and in and out of the paddling pool. He's got his little crocs on and he's just naked. He's running around and he's doing whatever he needs to do. He's an outside boy. I've relished in the nappy free time in the heat. It's just divine.

You're saving, the amount of money I'm saving on nappies is great. One nappy a day. One nappy a day, bedtime. That's it. That's all I'm doing. Well, actually, now I have to put one on in school run. But I decided to invest in a potty. Yes, you said that I think a few weeks ago. Yeah, and he used the potty. Did I you said that I think a few weeks ago. Yeah and he'd used the potty.

Did I tell you? No. Right. I thought it was a fluke. Okay, I thought I told you this. I thought it was a fluke that I told you this. He's had not just one, but he has had two poos. No. Do you know what? I thought I'd try my luck. I thought I'm going to buy the potty. Where the weather's beautiful. I'm just going to leave it out there and see what he does with it. First of all, he thought it was a boat in the paddling pool. And I was like, oh, don't know if we can use it as a toy. Then it became a car outside of the paddling pool. Now he's been to, he's done two poos on it.

Unprompted. Unprompted. Just sat there taking a poo. Stop. The second one, he took a poo and a wee. And when I tell you he just wees, he'll just be eating his skips and just start weeing. Whereas Colby used to look down and he used to be like, Oh, let's sit on the potty because you're going to have a wee-wees because he would look to see and you'd be like, Oh, he's looking because the wee's coming. Renly's

can't feel nothing. Oblivious. He just stands there and he'll just... Pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft. That's like his wee, he just does it, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. And he's got no clue that it's coming out, it just flows out. So he took a poo and a wee. Honestly, when I tell you my celebration, I was like, yes!

That's amazing! So in his excitement, when we see each other, like when I get home today, I throw my arms up in the air and I just go, yay! And he comes running at me with his arms up and we embrace. So I did the yay! To which he picked up the potty, launched the potty in the air, poo flew out of the potty, potty straight onto the head, we went everywhere, all down him. I still stood there and just, he threw his little arms up and he went, yay! And to top it off, he charged straight at me for the hug.

Brilliant. Yay! We just got to embrace this poo and shit, you did it! Let me stop you right there. Don't touch me. No, I didn't. I embraced the pissy hug. That's amazing though. We haven't done it again. I think it was fluky. And I think where he pushed the poo, I think he pushed the poo which made the wee come out. So it was like a double whammy.

We haven't had any more. Like I'm not saying he's now a toilet child genius. But we were talking about the potty training of like really young children, weren't we? A while ago on the podcast. And also to top it off, which I am in awe of this baby because I don't understand how he's doing everything so quick. He's using a fucking spoon.

Is he? Like fully holds the yogurt, dips a big spoon, not even like a baby spoon, like a big spoon, straight in the mouth. Yeah, Sadie, I mean, it's messy, but Sadie can do that. We've got no mess. The other two, never at this age. No.

Three easily, three minimum they were using cutlery. Renly, it's been like two, three weeks now. Oh yeah, Sadie won't let me feed her unless she's doing it herself. No, yeah, they've got to sort of, yeah. I'm just, I'm flabbergasted. I find it amazing. Well, maybe starting them young is the key

because they're so like, they're learning so much so quickly, aren't they? Just check it out. Maybe he's just taking it in, yeah. Wow. But we haven't had any more since, but yeah, we had a celebratory instead of popping bottles in the club, we're popping poo and piss in the garden. In the garden.

Like a blizzard. Like a bog. So yeah, there we go. That's my secret of the week. Oh Renna's. I know what a lad. And we'll get into some of yours after this short break. This episode is sponsored by the OCS Summer Pre-Roll Sale. Sometimes when you roll your own joint, things can turn out a little differently than what you expected. Maybe it's a little too loose. Maybe it's a little too flimsy. Or maybe it's a little too covered in dirt because your best friend distracted you and

you dropped it on the ground. There's a million ways to roll a joint wrong, but there's one roll that's always perfect. The pre-roll. Shop the summer pre-roll and infuse pre-roll sale today at ocs.ca and participating retailers. We've got three secrets that we're going to be discussing this week. So Emma, let's have number one, please. This is from Katie. Hello, Katie. She says, hello, lovely ladies. I need some reassurance that I'm not overreacting. This

morning I was at the supermarket with my son in the trolley using Scan and Shop. When I got to the checkout, I've never done that. I love it. Oh, God. I'm a whore for it. I know. I love it. Right, suck, I love, love beeping up people. Boop, boop, boop, boop. Oh, I need to get on that.

She says, when I got to the checkout, I needed a few items scanned by staff. The lady started scanning and said hello to him. Then she got closer and closer to his face and then rubbed her nose on his. No, back the fuck up sister. What the fucking hell? I was too stunned to speak. I honestly didn't know what to say. rubbed her nose on his. Uh, no. Back the fuck up, sister. No, sorry. What the fucking hell?

I was too stunned to speak. I honestly didn't know what to say. Like, excuse me, did that actually just happen? She even went to do it again and all I could manage was, sorry, can you not get in his face, please? She stood back up, I paid and left, but I was fuming. The more I thought about it, the more upset I became. What the actual fuck? I don't know this woman. She doesn't know us and she rubbed her nose on my baby's nose a complete stranger please tell me I didn't overreact. Fucking I would have taken

my hand plowed it right into her fucking snoz what are you doing? Yeah what the hell? Back the fuck up. I don't know why people feel like they have an entitlement to like touch babies and I want to know how. Katie you are not overreacting. This is not good. I wonder how old the woman was. Because in my experience, people who feel like they have more of an entitlement. Let me tell you, even if you're somebody that sat here thinking, oh, that's really cute, I would do that.

It's really not okay. It's really not okay. You don't do anything that you're carrying as well. Your nose holds so many germs. Yeah. To get into the personal space. Also, the child cannot tell you, please can we have some respect for children?

Yeah, yeah. Imagine going up to an adult and doing that. It's not that they don't, they can't take, yeah, can you imagine? Come here. Yeah. No. Yeah, my question would be to that woman,

would you do that to me? Yeah. Why don't you give me a little nose ticky-ticky? Little Eskimo kiss. Bing, I would have flicked you on the end of her fucking nose. Children can't tell you they don't want you in their personal space. They don't understand. So it was very invasive to get into a child's personal space when they cannot tell you no because they don't know right from wrong. They don't know like you and me like, oh,

you're too fucking close. A child doesn't have that instant reaction to just be like, oh, okay, she's rubbing her nose. I'll rub my fuck off. No, sorry, Katie. I would write a complaint. Also vice versa, I wouldn't want to get too close to a stranger's baby. Like babies can be gross. Imagine what they're carrying. Food they've got around their mouth. Katie, she's not talking about your little... Crusted nostrils. No, I think I would be cross. Yeah. Oh, you'd be so angry. And it's one of those where like,

it's like after an argument, in the moment, you're probably a bit stunned and like trying to be polite. Yeah, flabbergasted. And then afterwards, you're a bit more like, what the fuck? I should have been like, what are you doing? Yeah, get your face. Away from my baby. I would have been so mad.

Yeah. Sorry, Katie. That was aggressive, wasn't it? It's mad to assume you can do that to a baby. I didn't mean to be that mad, but it's made me cross. I feel the same way about when people ask children to kiss them as well. You don't have to do that. You don't have to kiss anyone. You don't have to kiss nobody.

Don't force my child to kiss or hug you. And as well, also I've been in situations when they're like, oh, they never gave me a kiss goodbye. Good, don't fucking force them. And you're within your rights to say, that's their discretion. If they want to give you a kiss goodbye, they will, but if they don't, fucking leave them alone. Why are we making kids do that?

They're not entitled to give you a hug and a kiss. Yeah, they don't owe you anything. They do not owe you anything at all. Or like when someone gives a gift, gives a gift and says, oh, come and give me a kiss and a hug. Why? Yeah, you can be grateful and say thank you without having to do that. And this is what I say to the children all the time, which I don't have

to remind them. They do say thank you, but they don't have to give you a kiss and a hug. Nice. Too much, Katie. Gosh. I think it's safe to say we agree with you. Safe to say we're definitely team Katie there, my darling. You've got us. We've got you back. Okay, let's have secret number two. This says, hi dear ladies. Oh dear ladies. I've been listening to your podcast since my first baby was born and it's been such a source of comfort and guidance.

I'm now expecting my second child and I'd really appreciate your advice. Ever since I found out I was pregnant, I've been struggling with sleep, constantly thinking about my birth options. My first birth ended in an emergency C-section and while I feel like I owe it to myself to try for a natural birth this time, I'm also scared. Scared of another failure to progress and having to go through another difficult experience. To make things

harder our family doesn't live nearby and I'm worried about going into spontaneous labour without anyone available to care for my first child. Any advice, insight or words of encouragement would mean the world right now. Thank you so much for everything you do. Lots of love, Elena. Elena, what's a beautiful, or I was gonna say quandary question? What would you put it down? Yeah. Yeah.

I don't comment. Honestly, I would say second time round, again, I'd say to a first time mommy going through birth, whether it's vaginal or C-section, I would just say, again, it doesn't matter how the baby gets here. The best way that's safe for the both of you, that is still your story. And however that comes is so insanely beautiful. And I think there's so much pressure put on us to have a vaginal birth. You have to have a vaginal

birth. And to me personally, and I know everyone doesn't feel the same as me, again, with the whole breastfeeding and bottle, you know, when people say breast is best, I truly believe a fed baby is best. But I just think in this situation one, if you're happy to do a C-section again, there's no harm in just doing a C-section again. Emma will talk to you very openly about how lovely it was the second time around and how you were able to plan it. You were able to one, arrange family to look after Joseph and have that specific day to work to that specific day. Also being that you've had a C-section before, not saying that every C-section

recovery is exactly the same, but you have done it. You know what to expect. You know what to expect and you have done it before. And I think if you're, if you're already there, don't they say VBAC is a lot harder to do? Yeah. I think people think it's like not an option. I think they think I've had one cesarean, I need to have another one, which obviously you can have a VBAC and people go on to have really successful VBACs and that can be fine. It wasn't something that I really wanted. I was quite happy to have another cesareanACs and that can be fine. It wasn't something that I really wanted. I was quite happy to have another Caesarian and I had a great experience, like you say,

and would like fully recommend that. But if you feel like you really wanna give like a vaginal birth a go, then I would say like, don't be scared of that. You could absolutely do it. And I went away as well. Don't put any pressure on that. Don't put any pressure on yourself.

The only thing I can understand from Elena's point of view is the one, her failure to progress is to why she obviously went in for the C-section in the first place, which again can be, it can be something that happens, but again, we're never going to know. And also being unable to prepare with family for your first born. Yeah, but I would say like, don't let practical issues get in the way. Like if you really want to do it, you'll find a way to make it work. Someone can come and also you're not going to have to go into labor and have the baby probably in the next five minutes.

Like it might be hours or even the next day you could sort out some child care. So I would say like, don't that seems like a small thing to get in the way. But I know what you mean. It was nice being able to be like, my older child is going to be cared for. I know where I'm going to be. Yeah. I think if you're. It was nice being able to be like, my older child is going to be cared for. I know where I'm going to be. I think if you're happy to do another seek section, obviously explore that route. But from what I'm taking from this is that you do want to explore the options.

Sounds like she's open to it. Yeah, she's open to having a VBAC. So I think looking at the both options, obviously looking at things like when you are, you've got your obviously window of when baby's going to arrive because we do get given an estimated date as to when the baby's going to come into the world. But obviously you'll be able to listen to your body again, second time round. I do feel like it's a little bit easier to listen to your body and listen to what the midwives and nurses are saying towards the end. And they do give you a little bit more information.

And again, just stay in tune with your body and be as calm as you can through the whole process. And I think taking every day as it comes is way more manageable than worrying about it now. Yeah, I think with your first birth, like you can panic and be like, Oh my God, are these feelings normal? Am I going into labour? Is this a contraction or is this just, you know, you can panic and be like, oh my God, are these feelings normal? Am I going into labor? Is this a contraction or is this just, you can panic and I remember phoning the hospital and being like, do I need to come in now? What's gonna happen?

Is this proper labor? Like, whatever. And I think just because you failed to progress first time doesn't mean you're gonna fail to progress again. It can be a totally different experience second time around. Look into, if you didn't have a good experience with your first one, look into how different you want your second one to be. Like, do you want to do hypnobirthing?

Do you want to have a home birth? Do you not want to have an induction if you had a bad induction? Do you want to go until two weeks after your due date? You know, like there are things that you can do to maybe make it a more positive experience. I think just ruling out certain things. I think if you would rather go for the VBAC, rule out the C-section option to help minimize the load in your head. So if you don't want to go down that route, then all you need to focus on is the VBAC. And then in that being that you want to go for the natural birth, channel your energy on that, but take every day as it comes, listen to your body and take on what they're saying at your midwife appointments.

Make sure you're letting your family know. And I'm an advocate of talking to the whole family so everybody knows what you're doing. This is what I'm going to try to do. This is the due date of the baby. Everyone know in their position, it might be that you have a family member that can stay close around the same time that your due date is due or if they're a certain time away, allowing people to know that they're on call for that week. So given everybody their position and knowing what you want to do, I think that will help shift the load. Yeah. Just being as prepared as possible.

Yeah, being as prepared as possible. But I think it's better to do it sooner rather than later because I think your sleep is so important right now. Yeah. And I think if you are able to clear your mind a little bit from this, that would be wonderful. And again, even if it is that you go for the VBAC and it does go to a cesarean emergency cesarean, I would like to say that I don't want you to think of it as a failure. Yeah. Because you've delivered one baby. Yeah. You've

done it once before and no matter how your baby arrives into this world is perfect. Yeah. As long as you're both safe. Yeah. So yeah, thank you so much. And I hope we helped a little bit. Hope so. Hope so. But we appreciate you. Good luck with everything and happy pregnancy. Right, let's have our last secret. All right, it says, hi ladies. I absolutely love the podcast. You gals make my week every week. Thank you.

I'm a mum of two teenage daughters who are growing into wonderful young women. We've had so many funny and emotional moments over the years. Mum life is wild, but one memory always stands out. We were at a very busy doctor's surgery waiting for an appointment with my then three-year-old Amy, now 18. I'd breastfed both girls and later lost five stone which left my chesticles in a slightly baggy southerly position. Every seat was taken so Amy and I sat on the floor looking through the children's books. She found a story about a puppy, which was very cute, until she loudly exclaimed,

Mommy, those doggies ears look like your boobies. Savage, I wanted the chair to swallow me whole. I quickly replied, ah, yes, but I like her pink sparkly collar. Classic diversion tactic. The entire waiting room giggled and Amy put her hand over her mouth, sniggering. She knew exactly what she was saying.

At the time it was mortifying, but now it's one of our favorite stories. I love my spaniel's ears and all the other badges of honor that mum life has gifted me. Keep up the amazing work, girls. Karen from North Nottinghamshire. Oh, Karen, that is wonderful. That's made my heart so happy.

She knew exactly what she was doing. She knew exactly what she was doing. That is adorable, isn't it? Isn't it funny in those moments, and I've been saying this a lot recently, in the moments that are the most like ground eat me moments or the ones that are the most hardest are ones now that are just like the funniest of them all.

They become just like the classic family anecdotes. I love them so much. And I love that you still talk about it now. I love that. And I love that Amy's now 18 and went through a phase of maybe not liking that story to now she probably like. Probably finds it hilarious. Love your big boobs, mum.

They keep you humble, won't they? Joseph said to me the other day after I got off the toilet, I don't really like your willy. Oh, nice. It's like cheers, mate. Nice. It's a vagina, but. It's when Dottie wiggles my bum and she says you don't think mine will be this wibbly one day? No, no it'll never be that wibbly

Dottie. Only mum can have a wibbly bum bum like that. God love him. God love him. So thank you for sharing your secrets this week. Everyone is welcome in the Secret Mum Club. If you'd like to share your secrets with us you can The email is hello at secretmumpod.com or with Secret Mum Pod on TikTok and Instagram. Have your Chester calls been outed in public? And tell us your secondary school sing-along songs. Send us a voice note, if you will. Send us anything.

There really is nothing too outrageous. Keep an eye out for our Thursday episode. And we'll see you next time on the... Secret Mum Club! This episode is sponsored by the OCS Summer Pre-Roll Sale. Sometimes when you roll your own joint, things can turn out a little differently than what you expected. Maybe it's a little too loose, maybe it's a little too flimsy. Or maybe it's a little too covered in dirt because your best friend distracted you and you dropped it on the ground.

There's a million ways to roll a joint wrong. But there's one roll that's always perfect. The pre-roll. Shop the Summer Pre-Roll and Infuse Pre-Roll Sale today at OCS.ca and participating retailers.