Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Poo Mums

Episode Date: April 28, 2026

It's been a big old week for Soph as she manages a massive garden reboot AND Chrissy being ill in bed - Emma's blown away by her productivity. The ladies get some advice in for a family with teens going through life changing news, and share their own take on how to cope with the emotional overwhelm after a miscarriage. Plus, one mum shares her experience of accidentally becoming 'the poo mum' in a WhatsApp group chat... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, this is a secret mum club. I'm Saphina. And I'm Emma. And welcome to your podcast. This is a podcast. Every week. So odd. It's because we go from the mini to the main.

What? Because you're not used to being on. We don't have to say it in the main, do we? This podcast is a safe place for moms. Do we say it on the mini? No. Do we not? No.

Yes, we do. We don't. Right, I'm going back to check. We have a different intro. No, we don't. Oh, hold on. That's 33 again. 32.

Welcome to your Thursday's episode. See? There is method to my madness. I'm not totally looping loose. This podcast is the safe space for mums everywhere. A safe space to share our secrets. Because we all have secrets, don't we? We do, and as we know, sharing is caring.

You don't even have to tell us who you are. You can keep that to yourself. You can be anonymous. And all those secrets can be serious or silly. All secrets are welcome in the secret mum club. I feel like I haven't got any like free arms to gesticulate today because I'm holding the iPad. And if I put it down, I feel like I'm going to break it. Or make a noise.

Oh, you'll have to wait. Sorry. Chrissy. Chris is calling me today all the time. Does he not know that I'm at work? I'm a professional. I'm not a professional. No.

You are the professional. Aren't you? I mean, I am today. Working two jobs today. Working out of fire. Do you know what? I actually read a debate the other day about stay-at-home moms about people saying it a job and others disagreeing with that. The comment section was wild. It is a job. No, it's not.

There's a lot of people that would disagree and say it was your choice to have the children. You have to work to live, but you could have just not had children. Yeah, but I think in a partnership, for example, like if you're doing it, like one of you goes out to work and one of you stays at home and you both wanted children, then I think there's... I mean, both opinions are valid. Yeah, There's value attached to like, like I wouldn't agree with the person that goes out to work being like, well, the money's mine because I earned it. Like, hello, who do you think is at home looking after your children? You know what I mean? I think it should all be shared. Just fine. Controversial topics are really hard for me to. I have to just sit outside. Also, the comments are just nuts on social media posts. Like, you read one thing and it'll be like so extreme one way. And then someone will come in and be like, no, hang on a minute. And I find myself like, I'll just agree with the last comment I read. I'm like, oh, that's a good point. Yeah, I think I believe that. And then I'm something else, the total opposite, and go, actually they make it a good point. Everybody's, everyone's opinion. Everyone's into my opinion. You know, when you just think, gosh, I fell into that comment section. Yeah. I was like, whoa. Did you see the family on this morning that

had 13 children? I think the 14th on the way, that comment section was crazy. Was it? Some people were like, what a wonderful family. And some people were like, how selfish. Why would you have so many children? Yeah, it was crazy. I don't know. I don't. See, I've never thought of it as being, like, when I fell pregnant with Renley, I got a lot of hair. of people telling me that I was selfish. I already had one of each. Why did I need any more? And I shouldn't have,

I shouldn't have fallen pregnant. I should have been used protection. I should have thought about the other two more. There was a lot of things. And I was just like, wow. It's wild to me that people would have such a strong opinion about that. Because it's, yeah, because it, well, yeah. It's not going to affect anyone else.

I get too scared about talking about things because I'm not educated enough to be able to, to defend myself. Well, if you want to have another baby, have another baby. I think I'm okay. I think I, I think. I think I'm like, if I could dub Renley, I would. If I could just have him all over again. Yeah.

He's just a little dream. But yeah, it's a wild one. Yeah, it's crazy out there. The internet is a wild place. How the bloody hell are you anyway? I'm good, yeah. I've been in London, like I say. You are.

I've been back on Absolute radio. Tune in if you don't already. You're an absolute? Only for three days. Yeah, I've been back doing my old job. That's why I'm in London. Where were you before? Hold on with Dave Berry.

I was absolute before I left my job. And then from home, I've been doing some greatest hits radio. Yeah. So now you're back at Absolute. Back at Absolute this morning. With Dave. Yeah. But it's three days only.

So this is actually going to be way too late. So you've done all of this, got leaving presents. And now you've gone back. Yeah. And they were like, you've only been away four months. You desperate bitch. I'm just doing some holiday cover. Oh, okay.

But it's so nice to be back. Yeah. And I've been having like a really weird like deja vu moment because I'm staying in the flat I used to live in. And working at the. place I used to work at. I'm like, is this eight, eight years ago? Hello. Is that you? It's so weird. So is an Airbnb or flat? So my friend's flat. So basically me and Stefan lived in a flat with our friends in London when we were like maybe 10 years ago. Before the baby. Yeah, 2015, 2016, before we had kids. And then we moved out and got our own flat. But they've moved

to America and their flat is empty. So me and Stefan have been staying there. It's so weird. I'm like, What the hell? That's like a whole circle moment. Yeah, it's like so full circle. And like I, so Stefan's been working in London as well. And then I came down to work in London. We crossed over for one night only. So we had a nice little like date night last night. We went out for dinner in Bristol.

Is she legs all over the house? It's your legs all over the gaff. Baby number three's coming, honey. Yeah. No, they've just had it cleaned for their new tenants. God, I dared. God, and you've semened every. Oh, God.

Gross. No, but we... Reminders him that sketch from Scary Mevie. Talk dirty to me. I'm going to piss in your face. I'm going to fart in your mouth. I'm going to shit out of these walls, Ray. Sorry, too dirty.

Do you remember for that? No. No. I was to say, talk dirty to me. I'd be like, I'm going to eat a tackle. You know? I've never talked dirty in my life. No.

Take it. Or that film, what's the film? When he says, take that, Nick. Go on, take that. I don't know. You go, take that. It's so funny. But yeah, it was going to have to find it.

A lot of that last night. Oh, wow. Okay. Dirty. We just went out for steak. But it was a weird, a weird moment. Like, and walking into their flat, it was like, we, like, they lived there when they had their children. Yes.

And we went there when we had our children. And, like, we just had so many moments in that house. Like, our kids, just playing there and being there when they were newborn, right up until we basically both left London. Like, these. These are our friends that have had like the parallel lives. They had children at the exact same time. The boys were born at the same time. We got pregnant with Sadie and we were like, we're pregnant again.

And they were like, so were we. And our kids are like, they had a girl then as well. And our kids are both born like two weeks apart. I mean, it's just crazy. But they've moved now to America, sadly. Wow. So obviously we're going to see them a lot less. But I walked into their flat and I was like, oh my God, this feels so weird.

Like all the, they're getting it ready for tenants. So like basically everything's gone. All the toys have gone. and everything I'm used to seeing wasn't in there. Like they had little pegs up on the wall where the children's coats used to be. And like the children's wellies used to be on this little shoe rack. And now like everything is gone. It's just empty.

And I was like, this is, I've spent so many moments in this flat like with the kids and pregnant. And even before we had kids. Like we lived together like when we were in our 20s like and obviously had a great time. And I was like, this is such a weird. I said, Stefan, are you not having like a weird full circle moment? But he's been staying there for a few days before me. So he was like totally over it.

He was like, no, not really. I'm just going to make a cup of tea I was like oh okay it felt quite deep to me so are you staying there tonight going home tonight so Stefan's now gone back to do look after the kids

and I'm staying there another night tonight working on the radio tomorrow and then I'm going back because I got to look after the kids when he goes to Manchester Wow the whole cycle starts again

I don't know how you do it you're like ships passing ships in the night I know and there's so many complicated things like I got here and I was like right you now need to give me the house keys

because you're leaving I need to give you the car keys because you've got to pick up the car in Cardiff And then I'm like, I'll give you the car parking ticket. And like, it's just, our lives are just, it's too much. But I do think it's fantastic because it is going to be one day when this, this all stops. And it will just be the two of you.

Yeah. And I feel like there's some magic in that. Yeah. As to you're either going to really fucking hate each other. I'd be like, who the fuck are you? Yeah. Or you're just going to fall in love all over again. Oh.

Which is so lovely, isn't it? Yeah. Because now everything you do is obviously to have a wonderful life provide for the children. have a beautiful hope. Yeah. And everything like now is, and I think that's something you don't learn growing up, is it? That your parents are doing everything they can to give you a great life.

And not only they're living as well, but they're also doing everything they can for you to have the best life. And there's just going to be so much beauty when you two start. I hope so. But it's like I don't know whether the kids understand that I always feel like classic parent or like mum guilt. Like I always feel like I should be doing the opposite thing. Like when I'm with them all the time, I'm like.

But they don't know any different. They don't. But I don't normally go. away. Like Stefan normally goes away to work. I don't normally go away to work. So when I dropped them off at nursery on Tuesday morning, I was like, I'm not going to see you till Thursday afternoon. And that's quite unusual for them to like not have me there. And obviously they're totally fine. Stefan's parents looking after them. It's all going great. But I'm like, when I'm with them all the time, I'm like, oh, it'd be nice to go and like do a bit of work or whatever for myself. And then when I'm at

work, I'm like, oh, I feel like, are they all right at home without me? And they obviously are. But you always just feel like the grass is always greener, isn't it? You always feel like you should be doing like the other thing. Yeah. But it's been really nice to like have a bit of my like old life back and for it to only be a couple of days and then I can kind of go back to you like get to dip your toe in and go back yeah I feel really lucky it's a nice position to be in I can kind of like dip in and out of it you know um but tell you what the 4 30 alarm was a was a shock again how did that work out for you don't think I could do it all the time again but you are getting a full night sleep I didn't sleep well though because I was so nervous about getting up

you know when you're like I felt like I was on a light level of and also in a different house different bed like I just feel like I didn't sleep when stepan goes away I'm like didn't you have such a restorative sleep and he's like not really because I'm getting but four o'clock in the morning for work. And I'm always like, yeah, whatever. It's easier than being at home with the kids or whatever because they started waking up in the night for some reason, sneaking into my bed.

But yeah, it's nice to be able to do it and then just like have a little flavour of it and then kind of go back. So yeah, it's been lovely. And then the other thing that's on my mind is, oh my God, we hear about schools tomorrow, don't we? We do hear about schools tomorrow. You're hearing about...

Do you want to know the bad news? Go on. Well, it's not really bad news. I was talking to Rosie about this morning. I think I'm having a little. little bit of a change of heart. Are you? Yes.

About your first choice? About we only put one choice in. Oh. That's a shitter, isn't it? What a silly sassage. Obviously, we've had two weeks off, haven't we? Yeah. The children have gone back.

And to be fair, the children went back fantastic this week. Like, I couldn't have asked for any more. We had no, I think it's the first time we've gone back after a holiday where we haven't actually had tears from either one of them. And like, in the school holidays, it's always put to the back of the children's mind. But I don't know if anybody else is the same. I kind of do it in the six weeks holiday, but the first week is just jam-packed with fun.

And then the second week, we then start introducing into, or we do the countdown for school just to prepare them because both of ours, well, mainly Colby struggles to go back to school. So we kind of just ease it in gently. Like we need to have less tablet time and the evenings we need to start going to bed. So the first week, we're going to bed 12, 1 o'clock, whatever. We're just do whatever. We're living, guys. The second week, we're like, oh, let's get back to, you can stay up till 10 tonight. 9.30 tomorrow.

It's not, and we try and cut it back. And we do that in the six weeks holiday. But we've been talking about it. And both of them were in really good spirits. And I thought, God, this is going too well. Monday morning. I thought, like, oh, this is too good to be true. Like, what is going on?

Both went in great. But just before Dottie went back, a couple of days before, she was like, I don't know that I want. And that's not really like Dottie. She was like, oh, I don't know if I really want to go back. And I was like, oh, we can just see, can't we? We've got to give the school the time to be. able to help and support us. Let's just go back and see how it goes. And she was wonderful about it.

I just, she blows my mind with how, you know, she really, really knows her own mind and she knows what she wants. And like Monday, I come home, she come home from school. And I just said, oh, how did it go today? And she just said, I think I'd like to go to a different school. Oh. And I was like, and it's hard because with Colby, everything we do for him is, his choice is the forefront of our mind. So if he doesn't want to play for a football team, we'll support him and say, okay, we'll look for a new football team.

If it's that he wants to stop playing football, or when he wanted to do ice skating, but then didn't want to do it. We're always supporting every decision that he wants to make because I feel like that's his choice and I want to give him that respect. And she just said, I just don't, I don't think I want to go to this school anymore.

I'd like to look for a new school. So we kind of talked about it. And I was like, all, we've got, we have got the option to move. You know, we can move schools. And I said, is it just that you don't want to go to the secondary school? But I think it is, for me, I'd be, I'd been thinking about it, but I sometimes internalize it because I don't want to say it in front of her to sway her decision.

So me and Chris talk about it when the children are in bed. And I just said to Chris, I think we're making a mistake. I think we've gone through too long now. And it's nothing against the school, but it's something as well. We're not taught as grown-ups when you have children. This is one of the many things on lists of things that isn't spoken about, that children aren't all the same. We're very aware of that. No two children are the same.

School isn't for every child. Certain schools aren't for every child and that is okay. And I just don't know that this school is for Dottie. And because she's an infant junior split, it's just going to be a different building. But the problem is friendships. It'll be all the same children. It's all the same children. And she's just not finding her people.

there is a massive age gap between her peers and her in the classroom. So there's only one other child the same age as Dotty. And then the rest are all really, really little. Yeah, because she's the oldest in the year. She's in September, yeah. So she, I don't know if that's kind of hindered her, but she just said, I just don't think this school is for me. And if you say the school that you've applied for would just be going up.

It's just, it's the same school. But they're just split into two buildings. Right. So it would be all of the same children. and I just don't know that I just don't know if I want that for her. Can you do a late application now for a different school? So this is what Chris, I've got Chris at home today doing the mission for me as to, because obviously we did this with Colby. If we went right back to, if you followed me on my socials,

but been here for a really long time, I did this with Colby, didn't I? Colby was in an infant junior split somewhere far away from our home. And I actually did him a junior year transfer. So he transferred to a completely different school and started juniors. And it was the best thing we ever did for Colby. It was amazing. So there's the option of doing that. So if we, I change my mind with schools because Colby was originally going to go to the junior school of the first one.

But then I decided to make a last minute change. And I did change him when he first started school in year R. So I know how the process worked. So I'm just going to ring around, maybe view some schools some more. time, see what Dotty is happy with and yeah, potentially look. Would they be in two different schools then, Colby and Dotty? Yes. But this is what I was saying, and again, it's weighing everything up is that Colby and Dotty aren't going to go to the same secondary school. If Colby gets his first place secondary school, Dotty won't be going to that secondary school. Oh, really? Because

both secondary schools offer different things what they're both interested in. So they're going to go to completely different secondary schools anyway. So all I'm doing this for is for them to be in school for a year together. Is it only a year that they would cross over? So she'll be year three, he'll be year six and then he goes to secondary school and then they're not going to be in the same secondary school anyway. Yeah. It's not long anyway, yeah. No. So it's only one year and I just, I'm a bit, I'm in two minds. I've lost a lot of sleep over it. It's a very stressful thing. And also, in my head, you know, this is only me speaking for myself. I feel like there's a lot of shame in that. And I think, I'm trying not to think about like I've moved schools when I was

younger and there was, you know, there was a point at, oh, why have you moved to this school? Have you moved to the area? Were you, did you not have any friends? And there was lots of questions, you know, me and Rosie spoke about this and she went through the same experience and remembers it like too, like vivid in her mind. And that's what I think I'm frightened of is I don't want to have in the questions as to why you at this school. Have you moved?

Were you being picked on? Were people not like, you know, I'm worried for that aspect for her. Because it was always a big deal when a new child came in. class, wasn't it? Everyone wanted to know, like, where have you come from? Yeah. Like, why are you here? Yeah. And also I feel like in my heart, in my head, there's some shame in it. Like, I feel, not that I'm embarrassed, but I feel like, why am I letting her down? Because I've kept her in this school for so long. But she's never brought this, this question up before if she can move. But also, I feel like, why is the school not

working for us. And it's nothing against the school, but it's just not the school for us, you know? And it's hard, isn't it? And sometimes I think it's embarrassing to say that. And we shouldn't be embarrassed. Because what works for you doesn't work for me. And also, you wanted to give it a fair go. Like, you can't be moving schools at the drop of a hat. Like, every time they come home and say something's happened, you can't move school all the time. So I think it's fair enough that you've wanted to stick it out and see and see if she can make it work. But actually, it's got to the point where it's probably not going to work out. And that's fine to say, you're not. And that's fine to say it didn't work out. Let's just try somewhere new. She might go through all the questions

of where have you come from. Why have you moved schools? It might be a bit tricky for a bit, but that might turn out to be the best decision in the long run. You just don't know. Because it was the best thing we ever did was move Colby. Exactly. Because the school just wasn't working out for him where he was. And I know in the long run, well, I'd like to cross my fingers and hope that in the long run it will be the best decision. But it's just, it's hard. And again, it's not ever, where is this ever spoken about? Or where's things like this ever spoken about? You just assume, like, as someone who went to the same school my entire life and it was like

so mapped out for me, like me and my sisters, we went to the same primary school, the same secondary school and there was just no question about where we were going to go. I just assume, like, I'm going to put Joseph and Sadie into the same school and they're just going to stay there for 16 years and both get on with it and both be fine. No one ever really says, oh, your two children might not actually like get on well at the same school and they might have to do a mid-year transfer or a midway through school transfer. No one ever says that. And I think as a parent, you think, am I putting them through unnecessary stress?

Yeah, this is my worry. Yeah. I don't want to, you know, heap, you know, problems on them. But actually, I think you've realized she's been at this school for long enough to know. It's just listening to her, isn't it? And I know how she is so confident in her mind. Like she knows what she wants to wear, how she wants to do her hair. She's very particular about the things that she eats.

And we've always supported her in that. And she's so outgoing and confident. And she makes, and this is what I've really struggled to. to try and get my head around. And it's not that anybody is, she's had occasions where children have been particularly unkind and she's found herself in unfortunate circumstances at school.

But she's got so many friends everywhere else. Like she's got friends at dance. She's got friends at Ice Skating. She's even got friends at Colby's football game. Like friends with his football friends, they've got younger siblings. And she's even friends with them. She'll make friends at a bus stop.

She makes friends in the local shop. She'll make friends in Tesco. Like she makes friends. She makes friends with a woman in the fish and chip shop the other day. Like she is the most confident, outgoing, wonderful little girl. And it just, I just can't get my head around as to why it's just not. Yeah, what is it about that school? Which makes me think it's maybe not the children.

Maybe it's the school that it's not. I don't know. I can't put, and it's hard because she can't put her finger on as to what it is. But it just, it's hard for me to get my head. around because I'm just like, why is school just not landing? Like, why is it, why is friendships at school just not landing, landing for her? And we've really tried. In year, year she didn't really find her people.

Year one, she didn't find her people. And like, it was like, oh, maybe next year. Yeah. It might be next year, you know, it might be next year that she, she finds her people. And she's just, she's just not. Yeah. And I'm very proud of her. I'm very proud of her because as much as it is, it does bother her.

She does get really, really upset. and it is a lot for her to try and manage. I'm also so proud of her that she's just like, I literally can do anything, Mum. Like, I can go to a new school and I can make new friends. And you just, I just sit there and I'm in awe of her because I wouldn't. I don't know that I was that confident at seven years old to just be like, like literally, at the fish and chip shop the other day,

I just couldn't believe it. And she was just, she was watching this lady and the lady was serving us behind the tail. The lady was wonderful. We'd had a little bit of back and forth conversation. And I could see her little eyes were going. I can see when our little mind is like running away with her. And I thought, oh, you have that little pit in your stomach. Is it going to be something good or bad?

Yeah, what's she going to come out with? What are we going to say? And she just said to this lady, your hair is really beautiful. I really, really love your hair. And the lady was a little bit taken back. And she was like, oh my gosh. She was like, so your, your hair's beautiful. So are you.

She's like, I really love your eyes as well. You've got really, really beautiful art. And you could see this lady was kind of well and up. And like she'd potted off and sat with Colby at this. little table and she was like, you never get that like now in this generation. Children never say that. So I know that she's a special. I know that she's a wonderful human and I just hope that we can put her on the right path.

Yeah. And not. I just don't want to taint it. What else can you try at this point? No. And I think where she's made that decision, like I hope she finds pride in herself for making such a huge. Yeah.

Yeah, it's massive. Yeah, a huge decision. So you're just trying, you're scrabbling around now on. It's consuming in my whole life at the moment. Yeah. Because obviously is it today or tomorrow? Tomorrow. Yeah, ours is tomorrow. Yeah, 16.

It's announcement for the school place. So it's just phoning around, seeing if we can view some more, seeing if it's, you know, even if it is possible. I did it with Colby when he was in year R. I'd had a school, bought the school uniform, had everything set out. And then last minute I decided to change, decided to change school. So I know it's possible. Yeah.

It's just whether obviously there's availability at the school. Yes. But yeah. Fingers crossed. So there we go. We've gone back to school and I just feel like it's a whole whirlwind. Oh yeah. A whirlwind.

I know. I'm not looking forward to all this. It's hard. It's a lot, isn't it? And again, this is the whole reason we have this platform. We have this community is to raise awareness on topics because I would hate for someone else to be sat feeling the way I feel about this whole situation and not having anyone to talk to you because there's just no advice.

there's no help or support. And again, you can speak to the school about issues and they'll say, oh, we can try this or we can do this and we can work with you on this. And when none of that works, you're just a bit like, well, am I actually. Well, you're just going to go on a gut feeling, really, aren't you? Because they're not going to give you any like individual advice. They're going to be like, well, do what's best for you? And you're like, I don't know what I don't. I can tell me what to do.

Can someone please pass me the manual. I've been waiting nine years for it. Yeah. I don't know how to fucking do this shit because I can't do it. But yeah, no, it's all right. It will all work out. I know it will. Yeah.

It's just scary. Yeah. I'm scared. But I don't want her to know that I'm scared. No, I know. Yeah, you've got to just... You just got to stay afloat. Yeah.

Like a swan. Yeah, exactly. Like, fuck underneath, but graceful on the top. Chill. Chill. Yeah. But yeah, here we go. That's my week.

Nothing really very exciting. It was just a whole lot for the return of the Mac. A whole lot of admin. It was life admin. I tried to do what you did. and only put one option down for schools. And then the council emailed me saying, please put three options down in case you can't get your first one.

So I was like, oh, so I reluctantly put like another two that I really don't want. And I told that to another mum at the school. And she went, oh, they didn't contact me and say put three options. So now I'm like,

well, fuck, I think they maybe asked me to do that because there wasn't space at my first choice. And now I'm scared. Oh, I'm going to shut my emails.

I don't think they've told me that. Yeah. Don't think they've contacted me. So we'll see. But they've called me. No, emailed you, I think. Maybe there isn't a place.

Well, they will because it's the same school, isn't there? Well, I don't know because the preschool that Joseph's it and they really make a point of being like, just because your child is in preschool, it doesn't mean they're guaranteed a place in reception. So I'm a bit nervous about it now. I'd love there to be no spaces and they just do the hard work for me. Just move me.

This was the school she got. Well, thank the heavens. But there we go. So Emma and I really want to hear from you. Yeah, we want you to join us in the Secret Mum Club. You're all welcome. You can share your secrets with us. respond to what we've been talking about or just say,

Hello! You can find us on TikTok and Instagram. Just search for SecretMumPod or you can email us. Hello at secretmanpod.com. Welcome back from The Ad Break. You are live. You're not live. We're pre-recorded.

Anywho, it's time for another. Corresponders' Corner! Nice. I don't know why I'm winking at you today. I'm really sorry. I'm winking at them, not even you. Do you want a bit of this candy? You can't get this candy.

that. Gemma Collie? Yes, you did. Go on, Gill. Right, Emma, take it away. Sorry, I'm waffling. All right. Zoe has got back in touch.

Hello, Zoe. She gave us some great advice a couple of weeks ago about baby sharing bedrooms. Yes. She was the one living in staff, housing at her husband's work. Oh, yeah, we were speculating about what he did, weren't we? He's my five, isn't he? And we're about to find out. Is she going to tell us if he's a spy?

He's a spy. He's a spy. Who married a spy? What's her face? She does the one about, um, plus, I don't. Megan Traynor. Megan Traynor. Did you remember her to spy?

He's from Spy Kids, the movie, wasn't he? Right. He's not an actual real spy. As I say, if everyone knew that, he'd be a really bad spy. Megan Trayner, he was Spy Kids, wasn't he? Oh, I don't know. Yeah. Okay.

Anywho. Sorry, Zoe. Hello again. Hello. You both had me giggling so much while trying to guess what job my husband has. He's not a spy, not a doctor, not a vicar. Oh. He's a boarding house master.

Hmm. Oh. We live in a little house. Oh. my God, we live in a little house underneath a boys' boarding house. I bet they hear some... Oh, he's a boarding school head teacher man. Master. Yeah. And he's one of five staff members who look after 90 teenage boys. I beg your pardon, this man needs a knighthood. This is a lot. Oh, my God. It really is the best. 13 other families are living on site at the school and our kids

are always playing on the school field with all the other young children. It's a real little community. Thanks for the laugh. Zoe. That's a... Amazing. What? I just bummed my mouth. 13 families. God, it's not being on holiday. Well, they go to the boarding school, but then Zoe still gets to live there.

I don't know. This is like some community. I need to be a part of this. Boarding Housemaster sounds very like Harry Potter. It's giving Wizard Harry Potter. It's giving, yeah, what's his name? Dumbledore. Yeah, Dumbledore.

With the long hair, is that him? Yeah. Or it's giving like old, like, I'm thinking like. I'm envisioning like, I think like 1900. like old school. And they're all in like robes. Yeah. Yeah.

It's probably not even like that. No. But I love that. Wow. That must be like being on like a camping holiday all the time. You just must feel like you're on a holiday every day. Go and play with the other kids. Yeah.

Hundreds of kids. Go join your dads. He's doing a seminar upstairs. 90 teenage boys is mental. Wow. That is, that's really made my day. I wondered where we were going boarding house master. I thought it was going to be like a like a game.

Master of the house. Name the film. Carry on camping. Laymise. Sasha Baron Cohen sings that. Little off. Does he? I think.

Sasha Bowen Cohen. Yeah. In the new... So the new Les Mises is out about 15 years ago. It's actually one of the last times I went to the cinema. Is it? I remember going to see it really clearly. It must have been out in like...

I was so fucking old. It must be like 2012 or something. I didn't even know what I saw at the cinema last, but it wasn't that long ago. I went for Wicked. Oh, yeah. What else did I go and see at the cinema? I don't know. Something recent.

Anywho, it was that rememberable. I can't even remember it. So rememberable. So rememberable. Thank you, Zoe. Thank you. That is honestly made my day that has. So you can get in touch with us on anything at all.

Yeah, it can be serious or silly, and you can be totally anonymous. Because between us, we've probably heard it all before and remember. On my iPad down for this. We're all in this together and we know that we are. We're all stars and we see that. Imagine you can see that live, 20th of May, Bush Hul. Imagine. I don't know why I'm so commercialised today.

Why am I so, hey, welcome to QVC. Very wink and point happy. I know. It's because the camera's on and I know it's there. Hello. Right, are you ready for my secret this week? Oh, I can't wait. Yeah.

I don't know if it's, um, I might not be very secretive is, I don't think anybody needs to to know this, but here I am telling the nation. So buckle the fuck up. We had sleepovers in the holidays. With who? Everly. All right. So they were either over at my sisters or Everley came over to hours.

Okay. And there was one sleepover right towards the very end where Everly just didn't want to go home. It was the best time. She was like, she come for the first night. And then the next day she was like, oh, where are we going? What are we doing? I was like, well, we've got Colby's football training today. She was like, yep, I'll come.

I was like, oh, yeah, smash in. Then I was like, Colby's doing this. She was like, yep, I'll come to that too. I was like, I'll come. And I was like, I'll take daughter to you. Yeah, I'll come. So she ended up staying for like a couple of nights and we just did loads of stuff with it. I said to my sister at some point, I was like, would you like her back?

Because she's planning day three, she's already racking up what she wants to do on day three. So, Evely came along to football and Colby and Everley play for the same football team. Right. Not the same football team, but the same football club. Got it. So she knows, like, the training ground and stuff. So she came along with me and it was a really beautiful evening. And they were, the girls were playing, picking flowers and making daisy chains and stuff.

And it was really, really beautiful. And I said to Evely, I need to take Dottie to the toilet. So we did the first trip to the toilet and then come. come back, Everly stayed watching Colby. And then as we were leaving, I was like, does anybody leave the toilet before we leave? And everybody was like, yeah, I actually need the toilet. The toilet is tiny and there's only two cubicles. Colby said he needed the toilet. So I was like, right, why didn't you all three go inside? Our way out here, Colby can go in the boys and then Everley and Dotty can go into the toilet together. Well, they were ages in the toilet. I didn't

know what the friggin how they were doing. So I went into the toilet and I was like, uh, is everything okay in here? You two. And Everly looked like she'd seen a ghost. And and I was like, fuck, I've literally broken my niece. Like, I've had her for two days now, and I'm going to have to return her broken. And she was like, um, Dottie dropped her polos down the toilet. And I was like, right, okay, where are the polos now? And Dottie was like, oh, don't panic. I've put them in the bin.

I was like, oh, brilliant. I said, did you wash your hand? She was like, of course I did. So we're poodling out, just walking up, walking back to the car and so forth. rings my sister and says, oh, we're going to drop ever, we're going to go home now because Evely's done with the football. So I was telling her about the polo and the toilet situation. Again, just, I dropped them down the toilet. I picked them out and I've put them in the bin and I've washed my hands. So I got home, said the same thing to Chris. I said, God bless Dossie.

She dropped her polos down the toilet. And I said, I think it was only a wee though, but I said she's picked them out and put them into the bin and then she's washed her hands. And Evely was like, yeah, I don't know why she just didn't flush it. And then Dottie went, it wasn't a wee. It was a poo. And I was like, oh right,

so you, did you flush it then? And they just didn't flush the polos. She was like, no, no, I just fish the polos out when the poo was in the toilet.

No, her poo. Her poo. And I said, no wonder, Everley looks scared for her fucking life in this toilet.

I said, Evely, why didn't you not tell me there was a poo in there? She was too scared. It made me feel really sick. And I said,

Dotty, you could have just flush the toilet. And Evely was like, yeah, that's what I told her to do. Just flush it and the polos might just flush. Yeah. And Dottie was like, no, no, no. I thought I could try and get them.

Why did she want them out? I thought I could try and save them. No. She was going to eat them after that. After they'd been in her poo? If they weren't too damaged. No. So I said to her, you rooted in that toilet.

And she said, yeah, annoyingly, the poloes dropped past my floating poo. Right, so the poo was even at the top. So she had to touch it. Because it was full of fibre. So she has fully put her arm past the poo to get the polos out. And not just that, pull it back through the poo. She touched it twice.

To then walk out with her pooey polo hand to then put the polos in the toilet. And I goes, where? And everybody goes, she'd come out of the cubicle to put them in the bin. I was like, why didn't you put them in the bin in there? She went, that's sanitary products only. Oh, now you're following the rules. Right. So now you want to be following and reading and sanitary when this isn't sanitary.

Dottie and she was like, well, I just, I didn't know if they'd be okay because they are in a wrapper. Oh, she was thinking about actually putting them in her mouth again. And I said to her, you did, you promised me you washed your hand. And she was like, I think I did. Well, I did use a paper. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I did use a paper towel?

And I was thinking, yeah, but was that a paper towel to wash the pooey water? Wipe the poo water off your hand because you just placed it in the bog. Or did you wash them? And she went, can't really remember. But anyway, I just went back in the garden and played. She didn't think there was anything. with that? She was not bothered in the slight that she'd just fingered a poo in the toilet, her own

poo. And Evely was just so flabbergasted by what I'd happened. I said, Evely, I've just been on the phone to mum and told mum about it, but you didn't correct me. She was like, Auntie, I didn't have the heart to tell you that it was a poo and not a week. Why didn't they just call you and say, oh. I still wonder you were in their ages. You're playing Bob the Polo between your poo.

For fuck, so. Polo bobbing. Coffee was literally like, ew, what even happened in this? I was like, Colby, I don't know. Thank God goodness, boys can just stand up and have a way. Yeah, Christ. Oh, God. The lesson is, don't let them go in the toilet there.

So the lesson is, don't leave them. I was like, oh, because Evely's like nearly 11. So I was like, and I try to, when she's with Evely, Dotty, she likes to feel a little bit independent. Any of the girls, like, when they're all, because they're all so much bigger than her, you know, Eden's 17. Ember's coming up 13. Everly's nearly 11. So it's kind of like, I try to let her just have her independence with them. Because also I don't want to be like, oh, look at me.

cramping your style. I always get like, um, what is it, mean girls when the mum tries to come in. I always worry that that's me. Like, I'm not a cool mom. I'm a yeah, I'm not a regular mom. I'm a cool mom. That's me like, like, I'm not a regular auntie. I'm a cool mom. You can't be too try hard. Yeah, I don't want to be too try hard. So I was like, oh, I just let them go in there together. You can't, no, they can't be trusted. Cobby come out. Kobe went in and come out twice in the time that they were in the toilet. They must have been thinking, shit, what do we do? I said to Evely, what did you tell her to do? And she was just like, I've just stood here and watched her. She gave her no direction.

She had no idea what that feral human was doing, rooting through her poo. Dotty. Dotty, girl. I said to her, can I tell everybody this story? She was like, yeah, it's funny. Yeah, stuff wrong with it. I was like, yeah, it is funny. But did you find it funny at the time?

She was like, no, actually, I really just wanted my polos back. Oh, my God. And then there was a packet of polos in the car, right? She goes to me, want a polo! And I was like, this was the next day. And I was like, no, I've got trauma over the polos. Polos. I think I'll take a break on this.

She goes, these are obviously there weren't the ones in the poo. Oh, thank fucking God for that. Bloody out. So there you go. If you're sucking poo out of the whole of a polo, just me.

That's my secret. I don't know if I would have done the same. I hope she washed with soap. I just said it might not have flush so you could have then got it in clean water. Or the poo might have been so heavy it just took it back up the pipe. I flushed a whole cleaning cloth the other day.

I think a pack of polos would go down. Yeah. Well, she says to me, you're not allowed to flush your tampon. Yeah. And she's like, the polos are heavy than a tan polo. Yeah, but if the alternative

is put in your hands in your shit, I think it's all right. Yeah. It's wild. It's wild. I take heavily back to my sisters and I was like, so you know that story I told you about the polos? It's not weird. It was poo.

Was Evely like, I actually do want to go home now. Yeah. I've had enough. I think I'm done with this. Yeah. Ferrell life. Yeah. It's feral child.

And we'll get into some of your secrets after this short break. We've got three secrets from you this week we're going to be discussing. I did that without looking. You weren't even looking at me. No, I thought you were waiting. Fuck, it's 42. They're 42 minutes deep, guys. But by the time you hear this, it will actually be edited, so it'll probably be 13 minutes.

Yeah, they'll cut half of it out. Okay, you ready? Yes. Hi, love Lise. I have a secret of sheer horror. I couldn't sleep a few nights ago, so I woke up around 2 a.m. and impulsively decided to re-grout my entire kitchen and redo the sealant around the sink.

This kind of sounds like something you would do. I was this me? Standard. Have I written my own secret in? Delirious, half a sleep. God, I wish I was that productive. It would take me months to get around to doing something like that. I mean, I wouldn't do it myself.

I'd get someone to it. Anyway, I was feeling like an absolute mum boss, but very ready to get back into bed. Then I noticed two mugs and a bowl on the bedside table, which my son had used for chips the night before. So I grabbed them to take them to the kitchen. I thought it was an empty bowl. but as I leaned over my seven-year-old son to grab it, liquid from the bowl poured all over him.

He obviously woke up, startled and confused. I just said to him, baby, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. Let me get you a towel. But he starts screaming the house down. Inside I was like, okay, drama queen, calm down. Why are you shrieking? I got him cleaned up and back into bed after a dramatic meltdown. Needless to say, 2 a.m. isn't the best time to be productive.

Nicole. Nicole. Did he... Hold on, Nicole. You just... You totally skipped over that detail. So what was he screaming about? Did he know there was something in the bowl that he didn't want on him?

Like, had he done it? And he vomited in the bowl and then you just poured his own vomit back on him. My first thought was piss. Like he couldn't be bothered to go to the toilet. So he weed in his chip bowl. Next thing you know, is his mum's tipping it over him in the middle of the night. I was going to say that sounds crazy. But after I've just told you, my daughter played with poo in the loop, it seems rational, to be honest.

It would have been. What was in the bowl? I want to know. What was in the bowl? But bless his heart My mum once told me That she chucked a A bucket of water over my dad

Because he was snoring so loud She chucked a bucket of water over him Nearly drowned him Because it went down in his throat And he was just splurting water every Oh my god in his sleep She said I then had to roll him off of the bed To wake him to get up

No That's scary that is You know when you see people like Pranking people on a sun lounger By like tipping a bucket of water on that Not funny Not funny to me No

Don't prank me It's not a laugh I don't know Well, I don't know if it's boiling hot and I want to cool down. No. I don't want to be woken up like that. Okay. Nothing worse than when you grab something that you think is empty though and then it...

Oh, you, or you finger dirty plates and there's food. Or like a cold tea, someone's left in a mug. Or when you drink a cold tea, have you ever done that? Yeah, you think... Oh, God. You think it's still hot enough and you're like... Oh, that's been there for three days. The milk is chunky.

Oh, God. I feel it's pain, to be honest, Nicole. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, you're ready for number two? Yes, this one says hello lovely ladies. We had our daughter in June last year.

My parents have been in her life from the start, but my partner's parents have only seen her twice, and that's because I drove five hours to them. They never make the effort to come to us. It's always, we'll be down soon, but it's just empty promises. I've always said it's not my responsibility to make sure anyone has a relationship with her family or not. But here's where my blood starts to boil.

We're planning her first birthday and told them the date back in December, so they had plenty of notice. The other night on FaceTime, they casually said they won't be coming because they're going on holiday the week after. Which means they booked that holiday after we gave them the party date. I was fuming, not just because they acted like it wasn't a big deal, but because they complained to me about not seeing her, yet they don't make the effort. I didn't say anything on the call.

My partner and I spoke afterwards, but every time I bring it up, there are excuses made for them, and I'm told I'm making a big deal out of nothing. The comment that really got me was, she's one, she won't remember it. I know she won't remember it, but I will. And as her mom, my job is to protect her. I would cut ties if it meant stopping her from ever thinking, why don't they show up for me, even if that makes me the bad one? Am I overreacting or is it valid to be this upset from Hannah?

No, you're not overreacting. And yes, it is valid. It's valid to be this upset. This is the whole reason we don't see Chris's parents. Yeah. Yeah. Because it's just not worth it. And if I'm always in the mindset, if you wanted to, you would.

And if they wanted to be in their lives, they would. Yeah. The same as if, you know, I always, and again, we're all, everybody has got two, two different opinions on this and that is beautiful and I love that we have different opinions on it. So I'm only ever speaking from my behalf. But if I didn't, if I didn't make a conversation with my sister, speak to my sister, make time for my sister, there would be no relationship. So me as an adult, if I'm wanting people in my life, I also have to make the effort. You have to make the effort in return. And that same goes for the children. If you're all putting your time,

in to see of my children, then I will do the same in return. But if it's just a one-way street, honey, I'm cutting the fucking road and off. Yeah. You can take the, take the other route because I'm not, I'm not having you on this journey. Because what is the point? Because all that's going to happen later in down the line is they're just going to feel unwanted, unloved, they've got to try and beg for a relationship. No, I can't do it. And I'll tell you something. Since we haven't spoken to Chris's mum and dad, not once have they ever reached out. There's never. been a card sent. They've never asked to reach out. Chris's dad has tried a couple of times, but he picks and chooses when he wants. And I'm just, I'm just not doing it. I'm just not doing it.

I'm not having that, that energy around the children. There's never been a card sent. Chris has got an auntie who's got two older boys. I think one of them, maybe both of them have had children now, but they, we had ours way before her boys had them, because we're not in contact with them. We can't, we don't feel like we can have a relationship with them because Chris's mom's side of the family just all cut us off. Never once sent a card, nothing. It's hard with families because I feel like in this situation, like there's things that have gone unsaid.

Like, I would probably bring it up with them. The hard thing here is that like, your partner doesn't say. Her partner doesn't sound on the same page. And I think that's the hard thing. Well, I followed his lead. He made the decision because we tried like in the first couple of months of Colby being born. We really tried with his mum and she just wasn't interested.

Yeah. Just wasn't interested at all. And he actually made the decision himself. That's what he wanted to do. But I think it's natural for the person to want to defend their own family and be like, because it's hard because it's their parents, you know, and they want to be like, oh, well, I'm sure they want to come. But, you know, I think in the first instance, you and your partner need to get on the same page

and be like, this isn't right. Also, I think it's real harder. It depends on how your relationship is as the grown up with your parents and how your relationship's been with them growing up. Yeah. And I think that played a lot in Chris's, Chris making his decision. Yes.

Because it wasn't, you know, it wasn't always the easiest for him growing up. So I think that was his decision. And I think because he maybe didn't have the best childhood, he then didn't want that for our babies. Yeah. Yeah. But I think it's natural for people to sometimes want to defend their parents and they're maybe not seeing it clearly. So I would, I don't know, try and chat to your partner about it. We totally agree with you.

But there will be people that disagree with us. And, you know, we love to hear. We love to hear. an opposite view to hours. I personally don't think you're wrong in feeling that way. I think your feelings are so valid. Yeah, I don't think you're overreacting. No.

And I think, like, if you do, it's like fair enough, if you want them in your daughter's life, like, that's fair enough. Like, yeah, be nice for her to have her grandparents in her life. You just have no expectation on it. I would raise it with them and be like, oh, yeah, she'd love to see you. But like, you are five hours away and we're the ones traveling with a baby. Like, do you think you can make it down to us? I just don't know that you can pick and choose with children.

I just don't think you can pick and pick. You can choose what works best for you. What's convenient. Yeah. Also, I don't understand why they can't go to the birthday because they're going on holiday a week later. So they're actually free on the party date then. Yes. That's what I gauged from this.

Well, what the hell? I don't know. I'd be like, no, don't worry about it. Then thank you. Off your trot. Yeah. But Hannah, keep us posted. We'd love to hear it.

And if you've been through this, sorry, I had a burp then. If you've experienced this, then do let us know. Yeah. Families are hard. I won't like you. It's very sensitive, isn't it? Because you don't want to like fuck it all up and... No, you don't.

But equally, you don't want to just have to conform to society because society says you should love your mum and dad. Yeah. And if they're letting you down... Yeah, repeatedly. You have every right to walk away and let go and do what's best for yourself. Yeah. Because it's just not worth it.

And I think there is so much that says, oh, well, she's your mum. You should love her. And you're like, well, how can I? How can I with all of this that's happened? And things that have gone on through. throughout my life, you know? And it's, it's okay. And I think there is a lot of pressure on having to put up with things from your parents because they're your parents. Yeah. It can't just

be a one-way street. No, no. But thank you. We're sending you all our love in all the world. Yeah. Right. Should we have our last one? All right. Hi, Sophie and Emma. I'm honestly still recovering from this moment. We've got three children. The youngest is one and she's been really constipated recently. It's been a whole thing in our house, lots of worry, lots of prunes. But by miracle, the big moment finally happened. She did the most enormous poo. It was a proper log that would probs need a poo chopper in the loo. I was so relieved. I genuinely felt emotional. That was you with Jojo on the rug. Yeah, for sure. So in my excitement, I took a photo of it and sent it to my husband. As you do, so did you. Except I didn't send it to him. I sent it to the school

WhatsApp group for my eldest. All the mums, all the dads, everyone saw her giant shit. I didn't actually realise I'd done this for an hour or so And when I picked up my phone again I saw the many missed calls from my husband Now I have to sit at the school gate for the rest of eternity knowing I am the poo mum From a deeply humbled mum of three I don't know I think I'm with you on the poo

I'm the poo mum Yeah I'm the poo mum Together we love the poo talk Oh god That's like that time James sent a picture of Roxanne In her bra and pan That's worse Into the football group chat

Yeah I think that's worse She needs bloody dislocated her hips trying to get down the stairs to tell him to delete it. How long was it up there for? Oh, I think it was up there for some time. No one's ever spoken about it ever since. No. Can't mention it.

She's the lingerie mum. I think I'd rather be the poo mum than someone's seeing me my parents. Oh my god. Oh my god. That is iconic. Do you know what? I'd embrace it. I'd be like, sorry guys.

That's my daughter's shit. Yeah. Look how massive it is. Sorry about that. She's been really comfortable. You know, rate my poo.com. I'd be like, rate this shit.com. Rate it.

That came out of a one year old. I try and find some humor in it if you can. I've lost count of the amount of people I sent the picture of Joseph's poo to. Honestly, that went pretty viral. That was in my circle. I wanted to show it to everyone. Guys, look at this. I saw the poo on the road.

Yeah, it was incredible. It's really got around. Also, if these other people are parents, then I'd say they get it. Yeah. They've all sent a poo picture. It was the fact that was up there for an hour. Everyone saw that. Yeah.

Everyone has seen that. I love that she just pinged it off and went, oh, put my phone down, sent that to my husband. Have a cup of tea. Yeah. Thank God. You're there emotional that she's finally got this massive shit out. And in fact, next thing you know,

you're blowing up the school WhatsApp. There's a lot of people in the school WhatsApp as well. Yeah. That would brighten my day. In amongst all the lost cardigan messages. I'd be doing a little party celebration. Yeah. Hallelujah hands.

Obviously, if there was context, I mean, at the point I would have maybe thought it was your shit on the rug. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I hope people at the school don't think she shit.

That's what I mean. Yeah. They might think it was. They must know she's got a baby, though. Yes, we're hoping. If not, they're thinking, wow, she just likes to take a shit on the rug at home and send it to her friends. Keep the hubby updated. Yes.

Whatever you're into, really. Yeah, whatever floats your boat. Whatever floats. Polos don't float, just so you know. Or monks poe either. They don't float. Oh, well, thank you for sharing your secrets this week. Everyone is welcome in the Secret Mum Club.

And if you'd like to share your secrets with us, you can. The email is hello at secret mumpod.com. or with Secret Mum Pod on TikTok and Instagram. Have you sent an accidental WhatsApp poo? Maybe your child has put their hands down the loo for a lost treasure. Let us know there really is nothing too outrageous. Keep an eye out for our Thursday episode. And we'll see you next time on the Secret Mum Club!