Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Poo Sieve

Episode Date: October 16, 2025

The ladies hear from Alex, who gave her husband a very specific job during her two home births, involving a birthing pool… and a sieve. A little one’s hilarious mispronunciation lands a mum in hot water at the doctors, and they catch up with the listener who welcomed her baby in the crisps aisle of Asda! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Footy fans. Premier League and Champions League are underway and FanDuel has fresh ways to bet your favorite clubs, like the new two-up money line. Cash out your bet as a winner if your team goes up two goals at any time during the match. Download FanDil today and hit the pitch. Please play responsibly 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem. Call 1-6-5-3-2-6-5-3-2-2-6. Your idea of calm confidence happens here. Brought to you by RBC. Lock in, but don't burn out. Progress doesn't happen all at once. And taking the moment to pause is the key. It's not. Intensity that builds momentum. It's consistency. $5 becomes 50. 50 becomes 500. And suddenly, you're further than you thought. Stay steady. And no RBC can help make it happen. Hello, this is The Secret Mum Club. I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. And welcome to your Thursday's episode where we get to squeeze in all the extra bits and bobs from the week. squeeze your bits. I was thinking of my teeth then. I was thinking of my teeth. I can't. Every week I change these retainers and I try and talk and I'm spitting all over me tablet.

We were just talking about why did you put your new retainers in on a record day? Because I'm looking after me bits and squeezing your bits. All of your comments, thoughts, questions and fun stories. To keep you going through the weekend. Shall we jump honine? You need to get some wipers. For my saliva. I think some far and up away. I don't know. I wouldn't.

This is the good thing about wearing glasses, though. You are protected from that. I actually am slightly sometimes really jealous. I'm jealous is that? Am I able to say that? I would really like them. I have got 20, 2020, 2020 vision. Just a pair of empty frames.

That's so funny. You're the second person that said that to me today. I wish that I had glasses. And I was like, you fucking don't. It's like one of those things. Like you wish you had straight hair. But you can just get fake glasses if you want to. I know

I worry that people think I'm a knob You can get some cool glasses But the coolness of wearing them is far outweighed by the inconvenience of wearing them Having to wear them all the time Yes

And then I feel like I'm not being considerate to others which I totally am So considerate to people that have to wear them Yeah all the time Yeah all the time Tell you what my sister got bleaching her eye The other day cleaning the toilet though And I was like

I wouldn't have that for me Finally smug about wearing glasses Because it's basically like goggles for life Yeah she had to go to hospital Fuck She had to go and get her eye flushed out with saline Fuck me

That's serious joey And she's always like My eyesight's so good I'm like well Who's laughing now She's fine I will say She's fine

Yeah I'm glad she's okay Here's a saline Wash for her Is it saline Hello Yeah it sounded horrible They had to flush her eye out

Loads of times You meant to do that Because I swear I've had back splash From the bog before And I just go Oh blink blink Yeah

I think you're supposed to go To hospital If it's bad Well it doesn't happen to me So Because you got your aspect I've also got a cleaner True, true, yeah

So you could always do that, you know Just get cleaner Wear fake glasses or just get yourself a cleaner Yeah, yeah Right, you ready Yeah It's time for another Correspondence Corner

Oh, sorry I went up I really ruined your name in there I went high I went low Low Low Low, low

Singing really high I'm in one of those Singing down low Have you seen that That's from Hey Dougie Oh my god It's something from tell you though I know that you don't.

I don't watch trestrel telly. You weren't a Dougie family, were you? Anywho, let's roll into today's correspondence corner. Okay, this one says, hi, Sofen, M. Hello. Ooh. Yeah, Em. Oh, Sofa, Em.

We're definitely friends now, aren't we? Yeah, that's when you know. Not you and me, obviously. When someone, well, I don't know, I still wouldn't say we are. No, I'm joking. When someone reduces your name to one syllable, that's when you know your friends. And it's not even Sophie, which I love. Yeah.

They're probably writing a mass probably takes it out. Take the eye out of the. Yeah. Hi, Sof and N. So from my birth story to giving birth in Asda, I can confirm that unfortunately, Azda is not on his birth certificate, just the town he was born in. This is baby George. This is baby George.

Baby George, born in Asda. It's an update on George from Azda. Yes. She says, but it was, in fact, in the crisps aisle. Walkers, hit her up. That's what you want, isn't it? I want a pear-a-crisps? Periscis.

Just the two. Just two. One for me. I love a salty snack. That's what you want when you've given birth. I would have cracked open some of those delicious, crunchy crispys. My partner didn't actually believe me at first and thought I was joking. I was stood there in a panic saying, he's coming.

And he laughed until he realized I was not joking. I've been into that as to several times since. And every time I can't help but feel embarrassed. Oh, no. But the staff were amazing. They even created me a beautiful hamper with goodies for baby George and me. Chris and some George clothes. Plus a gift.

card to spend in the store. I was then taken in an ambulance to the hospital and had an overnight stay. The midwife's faces were a picture. One midwife apologised to me, but did say, that's never happened that fast before from Emma. Oh my gosh, Emma, that is absolutely different. Oh, yeah, she got sent home. Yes. So they were like, oh, sorry about that. Yeah, she did. She went to the hospital, didn't she? And they told her to go away. She wasn't enough dilated, go for a little stroll. So she drove 10 minutes down to ASTA and that was it. George was born. Yeah. I hope you've got a She's a lovely selection of clothes. You should have really your own clothing line there.

I wonder how much was on the gift card. I'd be like free shops for life. Free. Lifetime. Lifetime supplier. That's Asda price. Ching-ching. What a way to give birth, eh?

So she went back and went, I've just had the baby in Asda and they were like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. She's kept you in. So sorry, wasn't you home. What are you going to call him? George, obviously. I wonder if she was going to even if she didn't give birth in the Astor. I reckon she was.

It's a wonderful name George, isn't it? Well, thank you Emma so much. That one is definitely one I'm going to cherish forever. I'll never forget that. Oh, never. I was telling my mum about it just the other day. But she couldn't believe it. I was telling my neighbour about it.

I couldn't believe it. Honestly, when it went home, I was absolutely flabbergasted. Honestly, one of my favourite stories ever, I think. Oh, up there would be in the best. Okay, ready for another message? Yes. Says, hi ladies, I thought I'd write in as I love the pod and this popped into my head when listening to you.

In March 2024, I had my first son, Hugo, at home. And 11 months later, I had my second son, Huxley, also at home. Oh my gosh, Huck Sli. If you asked my husband about labour and home births before my husband. first birth, he would answer quite confidently as if he knew what he was doing, so I assumed he'd listened to the hypnoburthing podcast. I sent him so he was prepared. Then my birthing pool arrived. Whilst he was unpacking it, ready for me being full term with my first baby, he pulled out a plastic sieve. He said, bloody hell, surely that won't lift the weight of a

baby. This is when I realised he had no clue what he'd gotten himself into. He thought it was fishing out of the baby. I don't know. It's fishing out of the poo. Picture a baby in a sick. Can you imagine? Like let on the legs. Head in?

Yeah. Which part do you put it in the bum? The head. Can you imagine a little baby's bum? Oh, no. God. Oh, she says, I explained, that will be for you to use to get my poo out of the pool.

He looked very concerned and went, oh right, and nothing was mentioned again. My son was born within two hours, first birth. And as it was my first birth, the midwives didn't believe me, and arrived at my house. when I should have started to push. I got straight in the pool to start pushing, so my husband was a bit flustered with the rush. I looked up and his face was really excited,

and he shouted, oh my God, I can see his head. I saw the midwife, I had a smirk and I said, no, mate. It's time for the sieve. Ha ha ha. This is golden.

This is written. I see the head. No, no, honey, that's our curry from last night. No, I'll just get the sieve. If I didn't have my 91st percent old baby head coming out of me. Ninety-fow! What the hell is happening here?

I would have pissed myself. I'd already shit myself, so may as well. He did a really good job as pool cleaner and was ready and waiting with a sieve for my second. Oh, not to catch the baby, I hope. Second poo or second baby? She only had Huck till 11 months later, didn't she, puss her up? Christ.

Luckily, we didn't need it this time, but I thought I'd write in as it makes me giggle now. Don't keep me anonymous. Everyone needs to know who the bloody hell. This legend is Everyone needs to know my name Stan an ovation for our girl Don't keep me anonymous Everyone shits in childbirth

And if you said you didn't You're lying I mean I shit myself before After the fucking laxative Was runners Love Alex from Stanford Alex from Stanford

You absolutely bloody legend Absolutely legend We didn't get a mention of the husband's thing though I feel like he blesses out It's just Alex from Stanford husband. I love me. I can see the head.

Oh my God. I feel like Alex, you were very prepared for your first baby. Can I just like, how do you even know it was shit? I would have just gone off. There's the baby's... We're also skipping over the fact that she had her first baby at home in the pool,

91st percentile in two hours. And 11 months later, she had another baby at home in the pool. Yes, she did. Go on, go on, Alex. I am so low-key jealous of that experience. How are you so calm? How are you so calm?

She sounds chill. Also, it's not even an issue that we shit, guys. It's not an issue that we shit ourselves when we... It's not even shitting ourselves, is it? It's just clearing out for the baby. You imagine if you were pushing... I would say to my husband, if you were pushing this hard, you'd shit yourself as well. Yeah.

Yeah. Gosh. But that is legendary. Isn't it? That's honestly... That's up there with George and Azda. Isn't it? So good, Alex.

Thank you so much. Thank you. I loved that. All right. One last message here. It says, hello ladies, I've listened to your podcast from the beginning. My first baby was due on Sadie's due date, but didn't grace us with her presence for another 16 days.

Wow. Cricy. I didn't know you could go that overdue. Some people say that they, there was a lady actually when I was following her. I don't know which, I think it was her, maybe her third baby. But she kept having to go to the hospital. I've never known of it before. So when it came up on like my FYP on TikTok and she was just like, oh, going in to have my

examination to tell them. that I'm not, she didn't, she refused induction. She said, I'm listening to my body. I know when, you know, what to look out for, how to, and she kept having to explain to the doctors, like, I understand the risks and what you're telling me. But no, she put her, she put her induction off. And was the baby late? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I don't know if she had a boy or a girl. Gosh, that's really awful of me. I, yeah, baby was really overdue. She kept having, that's what it means. She kept having, go to the doctors to the hospital to prove to the doctor that she was understood and knew the risks that she was delaying the induction and yeah just wait for baby to come my sister did that as well i think it was a little boy wait for him to come up his only call yeah she didn't want induction so she just had him at home but i did i feel like they did really put the pressure on

her to be like well you're overdue now i guess it's a it's a safety precaution isn't it you know yeah but then induction can be like really complicated as well can it anyway we digress sorry so another 16 days and i've loved riding the roller coaster of motherhood with you both by my side I've just found out I'm pregnant with baby number two and I can't believe my luck not only is the baby an engagement baby like Renner's but it was conceived in the kitchen

like Satan This myth is getting This myth is getting out of hand With a bit of pizza dick in the kitchen I actually know exactly where Sadie was conceived Where was it? Not in the kitchen Over the sink

While she was cooking up a spag ball store That's just so fantasy Love you both I can't wait to do this all over again with you for company, Anonymous. Oh, congratulations. That's absolutely divine, isn't it? Yeah, I love that for you. Engagement baby as well.

Congratulations on the engagement, honey. Yeah. It's all going, isn't it? Maybe wait till you have the baby and then plan the wedding so you don't have all the special things all in one go. Yeah. Because if you plan a wedding now while you're pregnant and then get married shortly after you have the baby or however long you want to leave it, all your special bits are done. Yeah. That's why I'm prolonging now.

You're really dragging it out. So I'm really dragging out. three pregnancies, moved house. I'm still not prepared to plan. How long as you get engaged? Well, when I could see friends. So, we're thinking like two years. The 23rd of July.

Two years ago. Two years ago. Yeah, yeah. 23rd of July, your birthday. Happy birthday to me. Okay, two years. So, what, are you going to get married next year maybe? No, no, no.

Prolong that out. Got a few more things we can cram in before. Did like a 10-year engagement. Yes. Oh, but I love that. That is wonderful. That's like reminiscent of me getting pregnant with Sadie. You have sex in the kitchen.

Yes, obviously. Jojo was that age as well. And I keep thinking now like, oh, Sadie, if, like, I was getting pregnant again with the same gap, it would be like now. Yeah. It would be like Sadie's age that she is now. Getting that kitchen, honey. Yeah. Start cooking up the store.

You do. I mean, how many boxes are in the kitchen now? Can't move. Can't smear a cat in there, let alone conceive a baby. Although how much space you really need. How much space do you really need? Not much. Not much.

Not much space and not much time. I mean, it's really romantic after having babies. Well, thank you so much and congratulations for all your loveliness. And thank you so much for your messages. If you have any comments, thoughts or funny stories, why not get in touch? You can email us hello at secret mumpod.com or with Secret Mumpod on TikTok and Instagram. And next is time for one of your secrets. Footy fans.

Premier League and Champions League are underway and FanDuel has fresh ways to bet your favorite clubs like the new two-up money line. Cash out your bet as a winner if your team goes up two goals at any time during the match. Download Fanduil today and hit the pitch.

Please play responsibly 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem call 1-866-5-3-1-2600. Visit Connix-Sentera.com. Your idea of calm confidence happens here. Brought to you by RBC. Lock in, but don't burn out. Progress doesn't happen all at once.

and taking a moment to pause is the key. It's not intensity that builds momentum, it's consistency. $5 becomes 50, 50 becomes 500, and suddenly you're further than you thought. Stay steady and no RBC can help make it happen. Are you struggling to peel your kids away from the TV on the weekends? Are you tired of being pelted with, are we there yet, on long journeys?

Tune in to koala shine, a new kid's story show with crazy adventures taking you all over the world. We'll meet peculiar characters, hear cool facts and jokes, and hopefully learn a thing or two. There's even the chance for your kids' voices to be on the pod. Koala shine is mindful, fun entertainment on the move. Designed to broaden minds, boost confidence and spark curiosity. You might just love it as much as your little ones. Just search koala shine wherever you get your podcasts. And away we go!

Welcome back. We love a secret on the secret mum club. And you were all so good at sharing. So Emma, what have you got for us today? Okay, this comes from Kirsty and Nancy. Oh, hello, Kirsty and Nancy. He says, hey your ladies, I know you both love a sweary child, so I thought I would share my experience. My daughter, Nancy, has just turned 10 and has a very complex history of heart, disease. She spent years in the hospital having lots of surgeries on her heart. Nancy has always

struggled with food and was on a special milk feed for the first six years of her life. For some reason, she had a really funny nickname for her milk. She would call it knob. We still have no idea where or why she called it knob, but she did. At the age of four, she was very angry while she lay in her pickoo bed demanding her bottle of milk. She was shouting at the top of her lungs, I want knob. Give me big knob. Myself, my wife and the next. nursing team found this highly entertaining, but it was a very different story for the consultant who'd come over to see her, as he didn't know what knob was. Oh no. I want a big knob. Give me big knob. Nancy screamed at this poor doctor demanding he give her a big knob. The poor

man had no idea why a four-year-old girl was demanding knob from him or why her parents and the nurse found it so funny. To this day, the nurses always make Nancy say knob even though she's finally eating solid foods. Love to you all. We can't have a 10-year-old girl just asking for knob A 4-year-old I feel like 4 is okay Like you can be like

Yeah you're right As you get older it gets weirder I don't know if I would be okay We can't be asking for a big knob No That is honestly so wonderful It doesn't even sound like milk Also can we just cut to that

Nancy is an absolute I know Holy moly what a journey she's been on It's amazing I feel like the knob is taking that completely away from that she's an absolute hero. Yeah, she's been in hospital having heart surgeries for 10 years. For 10 years. What a woman.

What a woman. And the parents as well. Yes, that is a lot, isn't it? It's a lot to go through. Well done all of you. And well done on the big knob. That's why. And he's got a big knob.

Do you know that film? No. Love actually. No? You know, love actually, when he's going to America. It's Hannah James' favourite film. Yeah, you've got to watch it every Christmas. Yeah, they do watch it every Christmas while they're rapid.

When the guy goes to America to get laid and he's like, Colin Fristles coming to America and he stands at the airport and he's got a big knob. I feel like there's two film references you've made and I've got no idea what you're talking about. Yeah, well, one of them was Dougie. It was too big. Oh, no, I don't know what that is. No, we'll have to watch it this Christmas and find out. Maybe I will. Yeah.

I'll do a little reference and he's got a big knob. Oh, thank you, Kirstie and Nancy. Big love to you all. And Nancy, keeps being a little superstar. That is wonderful. And define all odds. I feel that's huge. That is massive in life.

And just keeping it entertaining along the way. Yeah, just I love that. Good for you. Are you a fan of a knob? Then do let us know. You can email us hello at secretmumpod.com or with SecretMumpod on TikTok and Instagram. Sorry, that was premature on the knob. Did you want to say something about knob?

Got something to share with the group? And we'll be back first thing on Tuesday and you're going to want to tune in because we've got some huge news. Are you going to tease it for me now? No. Oh, okay. I'll have to wait. It's going to be the secret of the week.

Okay. You're not ready. Even I don't know what is. I don't think you're fully prepared for what's going to happen. I'm scared. Are you? Is it good or bad? You should be.

You should be really. scared. Phenomenal. And I think not only are you going to love it, but our listeners are going to love it. Okay. Like relish in it. Eat it up.

Chef's kiss. Okay. We'll see you next time on the Secret Month Club. Okay. Footy fans, Premier League and Champions League are underway, and Fan Duel has fresh ways.

to bet your favorite clubs like the new two-up money line cash out your bet as a winner if your team goes up two goals at any time during the match we've also added 120 minute markets so you can bet into extra time and never miss the late match magic from kickoff to the final whistle you can make a live same gay parlay your way download fan duel and hit the pitch today please play responsibly 19 plus and physically located in ontario gambling problem call 1866 5301 2600 visit conox ontario dot caa your idea of banking without the noise happens here brought to you by rbc lock in but don't burn out take a moment to pause and appreciate that being here now means you've crushed every obstacle in your past so far that's a hundred percent success rate your finances work the same it's persistence not perfection

that builds your financial future rbc is here to help are you struggling to peel your kids away from the TV on the weekends. Are you tired of being pelted with, are we there yet, on long journeys? Tune in to Koala Shine, a new kid's story show with crazy adventures taking you all over the world. We'll meet peculiar characters, hear cool facts and jokes, and hopefully learn a thing or two. There's even the chance for your kids' voices to be on the pod. Koala Shine is mindful, fun entertainment on the move, designed to broaden minds, boost confidence and spark curiosity. You might just love it as much as your love. little ones. Just search koala shine wherever you get your podcasts. And away we go. Coala Shine.