Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Poo Stick

Episode Date: July 22, 2025

A listener’s secret involving the latest poo knife alternative leaves Soph and Emma completely speechless. Meanwhile, Soph tells us all about her niece Eden’s big prom night, while Emma’s been revelling in a rare night out. Plus, Renley unveils his new (and slightly feral) way of eating. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, this is the Secret Mum Club. I'm Safina and I'm Emma. And this podcast is a safe space for mums everywhere. A safe space to share our secrets. Because we all have secrets, don't we? And as we know, sharing is caring. You don't even have to tell us who you are. You give that to yourself, you can be anonymous. And all those secrets can be serious or silly. All secrets are welcome in the secret mom club. You were flat then you were like secret mom club. Welcome to the secret. Welcome to shooting stars. Yeah, all right, like, niner, niner, like, cheese, come on, cheese, da da da da da da da da da da da da.

People of a certain age will never remember. Oh, we'll get it, and some people will never know. Eat that up, but you've missed out. If you don't know what that is, shootings does. Go back and look on YouTube. Anyway. Anywho. Just lost all of our overseas listeners. Pfft.

Ha ha ha ha ha. People who weren't raised in the UK and not born in the late agesies, raised in the nineties, will not know. It's a different kind of, it's a different era. It was a different world. It was a different world back then. I'd go back to being young then. I like to go back to my childhood. I'm very happy I grew up in the nineties. I am. I don't know if I'd want to be an adult in the nineties. No, I was happy being a child in the nineties. Yeah. Yeah. I am. I don't know if I'd want to be an adult in the 90s. No, I was happy being a child in the 90s. Yeah, yeah, agreed.

I don't know, I think some things were worse. I don't know, were they, like, was it cool back then? Like, am I gel of my mummy and mommy? Mummy? Am I gel of my mum and dad? Do you know what I am glad, I'm sad. Did they smoke weed all the time? No, I think that's more like the-

50s. 60s, I think in the 90s everyone was tripping on acid. Fuck me. Okay, maybe I won't be an adult then. I am a bit gutted that I more like the 60s. I think in the 90s, everyone was tripping on acid. Fuck me. Okay, maybe I won't be an adult then. I am a bit gutted that I missed like bands like Oasis. It would have been cool to be like a teenager when they were big, because we were only little, weren't we, and then all that came out.

But I feel like we've got great musical taste now because of that. Yeah, we did grow up in an era of like good music. Wonderful, phenomenal music. We did. Oh, we digress. Welcome to- We'll actually reminisce. Back in the day.

Back in the good old days. Do you know what, I'm actually at a point in life when the children say, back in your day. Oh, I know. What? Crazy. I'm still living my day, thanks. That was actually only, I think that was like 10 years ago.

Yeah, it was only 10 years ago. It was actually 30 years ago, mid 90s. Yeah. Gosh. Bloody noraday. There's someone at my work who was born in 1998. Do you push her off her chair or the chair? Him? Her? She's always like, what's that? What's that? She doesn't get my references. It makes me

feel old as fuck. So old. I literally say that to the children and they go, oh, the other day Dottie was asking me if I had the, if the microwaves, did you ever have these back in your day? What, a microwave? A microwave, yes. I did see something online the other day though about an angry American lady said how dated we were because we don't have ceiling fans. Oh yeah. Sweetheart, ceiling fans were gone in the 90s. Yeah. They're

old. So if you are in America, we don't have ceiling fans because we've lived the era of the ceiling fan. We didn't really have them in this country though. We had them on every single room. Did you? And the amount of accumulated dust that used to just, all the dead skin and the follicles fly around the room. We've had our era of the ceiling fan. I'd say that was quite high end. Most people in this country don't have ceiling fans.

Well, we don't have aircon. We don't really need it because it's only hot two days a year. No, but this is why it comes up. When we have a heat wave for one week a year, everyone goes, oh, I wish I had aircon, I wish I had ceiling fans. You don't need it for 51 weeks of the year. No we don't need it. So just get a desk fan and move on with your life. Sit in your pants. Yeah just sleep naked. Spray yourself in water. Get a little fan. Yeah someone told me to sleep with one foot in a bucket of water.

Oh no. I thought that's surely gonna make me piss the bed not keep me cold. Yeah. With my bladder. You'd have a very pruney foot as well. Imagine how socky that is. 12 hours. Trying to put a shoe on our coat. One shriveled foot. One gammy foot. Why not two feet? Because you'd be off the bed like sleeping like this.

Hello. Imagine trying to walk on your socky pruney feet in the morning. No thank you. I won't be doing that. How's your week been? Fucking random as shit. My week's been good. Has it? What have you been doing? Me and Stefan actually made it for a night out. Stop it. Dirty burgers.

To his friend's birthday, which was really nice because we don't really go anywhere ever. We don't have babysitters. We don't really go anywhere ever. Because we don't have babysitters, we don't really have family on hand. It has to be like, if they're going to come up, it's got to be like a planned thing. It has to be like for, I would say a big occasion for you, like a wedding or a waka. Yeah, so this was just a 40th birthday party.

Oh, that's not just a dance, that's a big. Well, I don't know the guy, it was Stefan's friend, but to be honest, I was like a night out in the sunshine. Drank a few beers on the terrace. It was very nice. Terrace. But you know what? I left Stefan. I left Stefan on the terrace. I left Stefan there because by 10, I was like, I've actually had enough. You left him there?

Yeah. I was like, do you want to stay? He was like, yeah. I was like, I'm done. I'm going home. Yeah. You're a little wild cat, aren't you? Got the cheap home by myself. The babysitter was like, have you guys had a full, have you guys had a full it out? I said, I've just left, Stephane.

No, this is parents. She was like, what, for good? I was like, no, just at the bar. She was hoping for a bit of juicy gossip. You never guess who's fucking crazy house I went to. You know that Emma Jones woman, she's on the radio, does a podcast. Fucking her and her husband.

Yeah, no, I didn't leave him for good. Just- Is this our normal babysitter? She's our normal one that does the no, not the not the we have like a morning nanny nanny sounds the au pair. Yeah, nanny nanny sounds posh, but she just does the early mornings for us sometimes. But this babysitter is handy for the evenings. She's from Joseph's nursery. Oh, stunning. And so it's quite nice. They know them really well. Yeah, obviously, they recognize her like when she comes around. And it it's quite nice. She knows Jojo and Tady. They know them really well. Yeah, obviously they recognize her when she comes around

and it was actually breaking my heart when she came around because that day, Joseph had had some, we'd been to Sainsbury's and he'd picked some new socks, Marvel socks. They were all like Iron Man, Hulk, Spider-Man. He was absolutely thrilled with them. He's really into that at the moment. And he had a Spider-Man magazine

and he also got some new Crocs that day, which were like Pokemon Crocs, which he chose himself. And he had like a Spider-Man magazine and he also got some new Crocs that day, which were like Pokemon Crocs, which he chose himself. And he was, and he had a new Sonic toy. God, he was really sorry. He was really spoiled. That makes it sound like he's really spoiled. Basically, he needed the socks and the shoes anyway. And then to kind of get him to comply with jobs that we need to do, like a big shop in Sainsbury's, we're like, okay, you can pick one thing that you can. Yeah. So he's not that makes him sound like this is normal. I feel like this is just normal behavior, normal parenting.

But he was thrilled to show her everything when she came around and it was breaking my heart. He was like getting his socks out the drawer to show her and his little crocs. And obviously she has to be like, wow, oh my God, so cool. And I was just like, if this is the dynamic at nursery, I'm glad I don't have to see it every day because it's making me cry about how fucking cute it is. Like, I just can't. Cute overload. I can't handle.

It's like when Renly, he's got the tiniest little crocs and he gets them out every day, wanders out of his little sleeping bag every day, goes to the back door and just tries to put his little teeny tiny crocs on because he wants to go and play in the garden. And he just walks at you with these tiny crocs. And I'm like, it know it's just too much.

It's 5.30, the neighbor's going to fucking hate me, but get out there. Get on that slide. You put those crocs on and get out there, you little cutie pie. You go get them, tiger. My garden has really turned into the best parent ever, because that garden is parenting my children. You know, Sadie loves being outside,

like in a way that like Joseph like still is better now, but like was scared of the garden for like two years. How are we doing with Jojo being outside? He's doing well and I think it helps that Sadie likes being out. But quite often we'll be like, come outside, we're all out here, because the weather's been really nice

and he'll be like, no, I wanna go indoors. He'd choose to be indoors if he could. But sometimes we force him out there. But Sadie, she's a right little. Garden girl. She is, she's quite feral. She loves to just be out there. She's like always soaking her clothes

and getting in the mud. And she couldn't be more different. She's actually, she's going through a bit of a, I don't know what Brendan is like, she's going through a bit of a wild phase. No, no, he's very much wild. Exactly the same. And like she used to be the more chilled one.

And like Joseph was like the hard one. Whereas now the tables have totally turned. Like she- Good baby, bad toddler. Not bad, but like she's becoming challenging. She's getting to that age where- Well, I say bad, but I mean like bad as in like harder. Just more demanding, I would say. Definitely she's getting harder.

Like if I leave the room, God forbid, she will scream to have me back in there. But they don't follow you though. Oh no, she will. She'll follow me out to the kitchen screaming. No, Renée just stands in the lounge and just screams until I come back. And then I walk back in the room and he just walks out.

I can't do anything. And I'm literally like, what the f... It's actually quite suffocating. Cause I'll be like, oh, I just need like a wee or have to go and get a nappy or I was like trying to go out and turn the oven on so I could have some dinner yesterday. And she's like, as soon as I leave,

like I've done the worst thing in the world to her. I'm like, let me live. Let me live girl. Let me live girl. Let me live girl. At least the nuggets fucking help. Jesus, mom's got to have her nugs. She ripped the stair gate off the other day. She's an absolute savage, honestly.

And then it wasn't back on for a while because obviously I can't get Stefan to do anything in the house. I was like, can you put that fucking stair gate back on because she's got a death wish. I couldn't sit down on the sofa, I couldn't turn my back, couldn't be in a different room to her

because she'd be out there up those stairs. They love the stairs, don't they? She loves it. Yeah, yeah. I'm just like, what? Like she is, I mean, love her. Like she is so cute and so funny, but she is getting to be the right little terror.

We've had more abscesses in Reni's teeth. I think that's just something that we can... He's cut four teeth on the sides. We've got two big ones, two whoppers on the sides. At the bottom, so he's now got four at the front and then four at the back, two on each sides. We've got two big ones, two whoppers on the sides at the bottom. So he's now got four at the front and then four at the back, two on each side with eight teeth at the bottom. He's literally like this now. He walks down because they're obviously painful. So he just walks down. Are you okay? Gerning.

But no, they are a lovely age. They are a lovely age. They are a lovely age. And the weather's making it so much easier because they just like, both of them are just, they're two peas in the pod, Renly and Sadie, they both just love to be outside. Love to be outside, love to be naked. I love giving her a bit of nappy free time. I love it. And they just wee wherever they want to wee in the garden. It's tremendous.

Hose it down. I'm saving on nappies. We are really living. Sometimes when you get through a day and you're like, I've only used two nappies today, absolute win. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. And their butts are smooth, smooth.

Smooth. They're so smooth. Smooth. Oh, you just can't not. I do love a rubber bum cheek on the cheek. Do you ever just rub your little cheeks? I just can't not. Your cheeks on their little cheeks.

Yeah, can't not grab them. If anybody was listening to this, who's not a parent, it's gonna be like, you're rubbing your baby's bum on your face. I just can't not. Your cheeks on their little cheeks. Yeah, can't not grab them. If anybody was listening to this, it's not a parent's gonna be like, you're rubbing your baby's bum on your face. Yeah, that's weird. Their bum cheeks are so insanely soft. All of their skin. And she's learning body parts now,

so she's so cute, like whenever I. Oh, do you know it? When I, nose. And then it goes really, really small, and you go nose. We do, yeah, head, shoulders, knees and toes. Oh, we're just on nose. But she goes straight from head to toes.

So she skips out the middle bit. I'm like head, shoulders, knees, and straight to the feet, straight to the feet. But she'll do eyes, ears, mouth, nose. And she does tongue now, where's your tongue? So she sticks her tongue out. And then whenever I get her undressed for the bath, I go, where's your tummy?

And she packs her tummy. And she goes, big fat tummy. Oh, it's too much. Ready goes really, really like, clothes over and he's like, does Pika? Peek-a-boo? This is a peek-a-boo. Oh, on his ears, not his eyes?

Yeah. Yeah. And he goes, he goes like this, why you little? Because I go to him, why you little? And now he goes, why you little? Oh, he's started doing it. Why you little? I have to get video when he goes, why you little? And his little eyes go, and I think, oh God, I just want to like cuddle him so tight.

You could just eat them, couldn't you? Oh my God, it's too much. Because he's tight. You could just eat them, couldn't you? Oh my god, it's too much. Because he's started doing animal noises yet, because I'm getting there with Sadie. Oh my god, it's new! So then I go to him, doggies go woof woof, cats go meow, and he goes, And then he just laughs his head off. I'm going to have to try and get a video of it. Get a video. I got a video of Sadie the other day, but it's like she knows Bar really well.

That's probably her strongest one, but otherwise it's pretty much raw for everything. How does a cow go? No, mine's literally the cat Or he goes I'm like, oh gosh, that's a bit of an angry cat It's just so cute, isn't it? Challenging but cute. Yes. So so cute. How's your week been? It's been a big week for me hasn't it? Because the the biggest one was at prom It's consumed my whole life. I, hasn't it? Cause the biggest one was at prom. Consumed my whole life, I'm not gonna lie to you.

Me and my sister at the moment, a tag team in a week. So she'll have a really, really busy week when it's like Eden's prom, everything's on Eden. Like the weeks leading up have been like a busy week for me and then a busy week for her. This week has been her busy week of prom. Yeah, that's a big one. Not gonna lie to you.

She was quite early out of the, she was early out. So we were at the football stadium and they basically created in the car park. They have the prom at the football stadium at Southampton. Yes. Wow. And when they go into the stadium, they also get a picture on the picture in their dress,

which I think is phenomenal. Do they have like a sit down dinner? Yeah, I think so. I think so. I could be wrong. I didn't actually ask her because people were talking about it in the crowd. That's really fancy. But they may not have had a sit down dinner? Yeah, I think so. What? I think so. And they looked dounced. I didn't actually ask her because people were talking about it in the crowd.

That's really fancy. But they may not have had a dinner. Isn't it? But they basically created like a little worm in the car park where they just filtered, all the cars were coming and they were filtering. Yeah. It was open six till seven that you could see them

and they go in the door. We even was out at like 20 past six. So we were quite early doors. When I tell you, I was there. I went to my sisters, I was in and out all day. Me and Ren has delivered some flowers to her in the morning. And they were in and out all day because she had some trends that she wanted to do for a social media page. So we were doing those. And then I had the pleasure of being with her while she was

having her makeup done and her hair done. Professional. Yeah, yeah. Professional by my sister, my sister's friend Lisa. Wonderful. She and the irony is that she done my sister and mine. No. Hair for my sister's wedding. No way. And now she's back here doing prom. Yeah, which is wild, isn't it? So she was there and I got to see that and I said to my sister,

we managed to get some photos of her with all the babies. And then obviously my little family with her and she had some with her parents. So once we'd had our family photos, I got in the car and I was like, bitch, I'm getting to that stadium. So I got there an hour early. Wow. Got the front row seat right in front of the red carpet. I was like arms out, made the children step across one each end because I had my brother, his wife come in. I had my sister, the children, my sister's friend, because her son was also in there. So I was, I was deeming out a big circle. So I was like, stay there, hold your stance.

No one fucking move. It moved in fast. It moved in fast like someone was selling Wingstop for free. They weren't selling it. They were giving it away. I was just, I didn't know where to look. I didn't know what to do. Everyone moved in really fast.

So we were literally, it was eight people deep. It's like a real red carpet. Do you know, at one point I thought, I've never mosh pitted. I feel like I mosh pitted. Yeah. What is this? If this is what a mosh pit feels like, I'm living. Here for it. Yeah. Yeah. So we saw her really early. Did I stick out all of them? Yes, I fucking did. Did you?

We stuck it out right to the very end. I was obsessed with the cars, the dresses. Do people do like really like elaborate things now? We had a police van where all the girls got out. There was like a rally car, like I want to say, like a banger from Banger Racing. Right. And he was sat out of the windscreen of the car. Yeah, yeah.

People don't just do a limo anymore. There was big American FBI police trucks with all like the police sirens going off. Yeah, it was good. It's gone so extra, isn't it? Bentley's Rolls Royces. I was like, this is bouche. That sounds so high end. It was high end though. It's gone so extra, hasn't it? Bentley's, Rolls Royces. I was like, this is bullshit. That sounds so high end. It was high end. It was fabulous.

Oh, and then we just obviously sat it out, but I cried. I mean, surprise. I cried more than my sister. I basically cried for the two of us. It was a lot, but no, it was absolutely fantastic. It's just like a real like moment and like really, I think really signifies the passing of time. Like she's 16. She's fucking 16. She's 16. And it feels like yesterday. It just feels like yesterday that

she was born. And then you start going like, oh, in a few years, my kids are going to be this old. I know. Because now it's now it's you got to think now we're two years. So we've got Eden's had hers. I've got them Tobias's because he's only two years. Two years after that is Ember. Another two years is Ember, Evelie and Colby because they're the same school year. Then it'll be Dot's two years later. Then it's Dot's. We've got a good gap for Renes. A few years for Renes, yeah. Prom's only going to be in what, 14 years? So no, it's been a whirlwind. But I tell you, just as much as I've loved it, it's the children have loved it.

Like Dottie, the way Dottie just looked at her, like she's just a real life. Princess. But I obviously had the privilege, I felt like I was really lucky because I got to go to the shop, didn't I? When she was dress shopping. And I got to be there while she tried all of the dresses on.

So I saw her in the dress when she said yes to her dress. It's like a wedding. It's better than a wedding. Isn't it? It's better than a wedding. No commitment. Yeah. All the fun, no commitment. I just have a prom. I'm engaged. I'm having a prom. Have a prom for your wedding.

All the fun, but no, yeah, no commitment. No commitment and not as much cost. Yeah. So I got to see her in the dress when she loved it, but to see her like the end article. Fully made up, yeah. That's up there in the, that's locked in with one of the core memories. So yeah, it's been a week. So now we're now swapped with the week

of my sisters being busy. Now it's the week of mine being busy. Which is what, end of term? No, I've obviously, again, I'm gonna sound like that really annoying, twatty asshole. These are obviously things going on, which to this point now, I think going to sound like that really annoying, twatty asshole. These are obviously things going on, which to this point now, I think we're going to discover people are going to start

clocking on because I'm struggling to not hide this shit. And it's a moment. When can you speak about it? Do you know what? Right. I did say to Chris about this and I think I am at the point where I am going to talk about it because it's mentally and emotionally all seriousness is destroying me. I couldn't be any more broken than what I possibly am. I'm stressed. I'm, Emma, I'm just, I'm just so, I'm so done with the whole process of everything that's going on. And if you're not gauging from that as to what maybe it is, maybe it'll be in next week's episode, but I am, I'm not at my peak of, I'm, I feel like

I'm masking a lot. I feel like I'm masking a lot. I'm trying to cover a lot. Um, and it is, it is breaking me. Like this is my sanctuary. Home is sanctuary. Everything else in between is, I'm losing my shit. But okay. I was going to say I booked a party this week and I do bring a lot to the table this week because we finally booked a party for Colby. Okay. Okay. Yeah. The first time he's actually said, I'm fully committed to it, we're doing it.

And I do know what I was so fucking elated for him that out of my craziness, I booked the party. I booked it, paid it, all this money. This is like a month away. We've got, but because I needed to give outitations at school, because he's got a couple of school friends and a couple of football friends. I said that I needed to know ASAP because I needed to book it. I hadn't heard from parents.

Okay, again, wrong from my side, but I just assumed, because I thought the parents that I may not hear from, I have other children that are able to fill the gap. So I thought I'm not too bothered. I've paid for a party. If I've paid for 15 and only 10 can come, I'm not, you know, it's not gonna, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna be too fussed because I've got my sister's children who will step in. So my dilemma was then do I hang on to wait for here for the parents? So I booked the party. I've not heard from the parents, okay? I'm not saying that you have to get back to me, but I'm gonna

take from the fact that I've heard zilch, not even a yes or a no, I've heard nothing. I'm going to take from this that the parent, they can't come or don't want to come. Okay, how long ago did you send them out? Well, a week, but it's end of term, isn't it? But a week ago and people still haven't got back to you. I think that's bad for you. Okay, that's, you know, I know people have busier things and more important things in life going on. So I am, I do give grace.

But what do I do if I then fill the spaces and they turn up at the party, but they never let me know? But they said, because you gave me the invitation, I just assume. Yeah, but do we wait to hold on? I'm so fucking, this is so fucking new territory. Do I wait for the parent to come back? I think you chase the RSVP and they're just like,

just following up on this, can so and so make it, I need to know the numbers. Cool, so then what do I do? Write a love note and give it to the boy and put it in his rucksack and say, hand this to your parents. Oh, you haven't got direct contact with them. No, no, this is what I mean.

I need them to contact me to tell me yes or no. You need their numbers. But I don't want to say to the child, Colby, I'll tell your friends to, if I can have their mom's number. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I don't, one of the boys is in like an after school club because his parents work.

So I can't even speak to his parent in the playground. Are you gonna see them at like the club or the school gate to be like, oh, can I just follow up on that? One parent I won't, but the other two, yes, potentially. But again, I don't always see them and I try the best to hang around, but I'm the parent hanging around in the playground to be like, can you come to the park?

Can you get back to my invitation, please? You know, I feel like I've got to go now. So now if I don't speak to them, do I just assume they're coming and hold their space or do I not? And then what if they turn up and go, oh, we're here for the party, oh, sorry. Yeah, sorry, I thought you weren't coming,

so I filled your spot. So if you could fill me in on that, that would be really- What's the etiquette? That would really relieve a lot of pressure on my head if you guys could help me with that. Parents of party age children. Cause I don't know, I've got all this to come. Holler at your gal. So when I, yeah, my week's a little bit, my head's a little bit ill. I think it's going to be for a few weeks yet. So we just need to buckle up and embrace it.

Maybe we'll start talking about it in next week's episode. God, that's just another thing. It's a tough topic to talk about and it's been going on for far too fucking long now. I'll have some dramas of my own to share with you soon. I'm excited for them. I feel like we're going to take my dramas and then we're going on a similar journey, aren't we? Yeah, we are very, very similar. So all will be revealed.

Mine's been like a, it's been a year, but it's been this year. It's, you know, we're six months deep and I'm fucking over the shit. I'm over it. I'm over it. And I've got it all to come, so I can't wait. Buckle the fuck up. So Emma and I really want to hear from you. Yeah, we want you to join us in the Secret Mom Club.

You're all welcome. You can share your secrets with us, respond to what we've been talking about, or just say hello. You can find us on TikTok and Instagram. Just search Secret Mom Pod, or you can email us hello at secretmompod.com. And don't forget to follow us, okay? Because you can follow. You can find us on TikTok and Instagram. Just search Secret MomPod or you can email us, hello at secretmompod.com. And don't forget to follow us.

Okay, cause you can follow. You can hit that follow button. Subscribe, rate and review. Only if it's five stars. Ha ha ha. Anything below, fuck off. It's time for the Correspondence Corner. It's time for the Correspondence Corner! So Emma, hit me with your rhythm stick.

Hit me! Hit me slowly, hit me quick. Hit me fast. Hit me, hit me, hit me. Oh. Alright, we've heard back from our teacher spy. Do you remember this one about the sex ed classes? It says, hello, having shrieked at my boyfriend to come listen when you read my last message

out, I had to try my luck and write in again. Wow. Look at you too. You're a two time galley. The staff room, not where it's at. At my school, it's way too public. We usually teach with our doors open. So when a door is shut, it's basically code for someone's having a little bitchy bitch. That's what they do. I wish I fucking knew this back in the day. I know. Since Easter, my classroom has become the go-to gossip spot,

mainly because I found out I'm being replaced in September. What the fuck? By a cheaper, newly qualified teacher who'll say yes to anything. So my room has become a safe haven for the TAs. I'm weirdly proud. My class is now the unofficial bitch hub. I'm furious I've lost my job.

So I say, let the gossip roll. Loving the pod as always." This is absolute salvage. Who the fuck has replaced you? Drama. I'm absolutely seething at this. Wow. That's hot tea, isn't it? That is really hot tea. Wow. I'm so sorry you've lost your job. I am really sorry, all joking aside, like this is serious jelly. I'm so sorry about that. How can we just treat a member of staff? Yes, fucking hell. But I love that you're the member of the bitch hub.

I know. How long have we got in the bitch hub? She's the owner of the bitch hub. What can we find out before you go? Tell us what goes on behind those doors. And how are you doing? Are you looking for a new job? Are you okay?

Is everything, are you okay? Like this is a big deal. Like are you all right? Can they do that? I don't know. They can replace you with someone cheaper. Gosh. Fucking that pissed on my cornflakes.

It's a doggy dog world out there, isn't it? Sorry about that, my love. Wow. But please do let us know if you're okay. If you're going to another school. And more importantly. At what position in the new school you're gonna take and if you're gonna take the bitch up with you

because I'm joining the school. Let us know. I might train to be a teacher. I want to know what they're talking about behind closed doors. Me too. But I love the double dip. Go on. The double dip. She's got a double dip. She dipped in last week, dipped in this week. Double dippers. I love a double dip. It's unsanitary. Do you know what double dip is? Yeah. When you dip your chip, eat, dip it again. Oh yeah. Always double dip double dip my chip. Yeah. So you can get in touch with us on anything at all. Yeah, it can be serious or silly and you can be totally anonymous. Because between us. We've probably heard it all before. And remember, We're all in this together and we know that we are, we're all stars and we see that.

T-Rex arms are back. T-Rexy, T-Rexy. Right. Here's my secret of the week. To add in all the stress of this week, I needed a bit of lightheartedness. Yeah. And Renna's trumped up this week. I am, do you know, I cannot tell you. And in the video, I don't know if there's audio in the video because my niece took the video. If there's audio where my sister was like, you cannot take this to the podcast. And I was like, bitch, this is my secret of the week. I, we've had a lot of family time being prom. Yes. I'm surrounding myself with my sister and my babies because they're my babies, her babies, my brother-in-law, my sister,

my Chris, everybody is my is my is my calm to my storm of a brain. And so we're having lots of family time and it's and it's lovely. The weather's beautiful, dinners are easy, everyone's in the garden, we're all together safe, happy, loved. So we had prom, had a McDonald's, Saturday was prom, then we, sorry Friday was prom, then Saturday we had just a family day. So we thought just get a little McDonald's, Mackey Mackey Donald's and just sit in the garden. Everyone had had a long weekend, long day, long week, you know, it's all going off in July. Not everyone can finish the chips. I don't know what it is in our house.

What? McDonald's chips, no one finishes them. Are you joking? I finish mine, but the babies, the bigger ones do, but my three specifically, maybe two, don't eat the chips. I would hoover them up. The Halloumi sticks are back at McDonald's. So I bought a share box of those. We bought 20 chicken nuggets because I like to get-

20 nugs! We do everyone's meal and then we put some sharers in the middle just in case anybody wants a little extra nugget. So the chips are always overshadowed. Right. I think they're the best thing about Mackeys, the chips. Yeah, I love the chips, but they have to be hot.

It can't be soggy. Once they've gone past the point of heart and they become soggy. So disappointing when you go to McDonald's and you get a lukewarm chip. Forget it. So I, we like, we decided because the dog, my sister's dog, she's got Teddy, he was up in the crate. One, it was too hot for him to be in the garden, but two, everyone was eating and she worries about the baby because he wanders around with his food. She doesn't want, Teddy's really good. He doesn't snatch, but's really good, he doesn't snatch, but she doesn't want ever that opportunity to arise.

So we thought what we'd do is we'd create a little treasure hunt for Ted. So we cut up some chicken nuggets for him, few little chips, sprinkled them around the garden, and we released the hound. And he went to town on the chips and the nuts. He went to town on the chip. But let me tell you, who was bumming the air, eating the chips from the garden next to his best friend was our Renna's. He went ham. They were basically in competition with each other as to who could eat the most. It was man versus dog, baby versus dog. He was butt in the

air, eating chips. Face down in the grass. Face down in the grass, eating the chips off the lawn exactly like the dog. We were three minutes, three minutes this went on for we recorded the whole scenario. I like that the first thought was not to stop him, no, get the camera out. Get the camera out. I can't, his little nappy, he had his nappy and his t-shirt on because he'd been running around and he played with some water and he got his little shorts where. So he was even nappy bum, nappy bum in the the air and you know in that moment when you're just like that is this is life perfect you're gonna he's gonna love looking back on that when he's older I would just like that when you eat dog chips off the grass like a dog my

sister was like don't let him do that the dog comes out here I would just like to add that he's my sister has artificial turf okay and the dog doesn't like the artificial turf so he doesn't poo or wee there's no wee turf. So he doesn't poo or wee. There's no wee or poo on there. Doesn't poo or wee in the house. So the grass is very sanitary for him to be able to do that. Cause otherwise I think I would have been. Good for the immune system though, I think. Get a few germs in there.

But it definitely is my secret of the week as to, I allowed my baby to eat his dinner off of the grass with like a dog. Wow. And it wasn't even like he was just sat of the grass with like a dog. And it wasn't even like he was just sat on the grass. He was bumming the air, living. Like a little hound. Even hands were on the grass.

It wasn't even going down and picking it with his hand and getting it in. He was like... I love they're in that age where they're like in a real copycat phase, aren't they? Like you show them something and they'll just do it. He saw the dog. He was like, that's why I'm going to eat my chips. It just brought me so much fucking joy. I can't even tell you. Like the insane. I've seen the videos. Very cute. But yeah, that's my secret of this week. So we'll be getting some of yours after this

short break. We've got three secrets we're going to be discussing this week. So Emma, let's have secret number one. All right. Hi, Safina and Emma. I've been a listener since episode one. Oh shit. And I absolutely love the pod commitment. Thank you. I feel like Emma and I are living parallel lives. I have a Joseph born April, 2022, two months after my Jojo and our boys have hit the same milestones. Paddington theme tune obsession, old McDonald on repeat and now the stand up we phase. Wow. I wanted your thoughts on baby names. We're thinking about baby number two but feel a bit stuck. Joseph is so traditional and now it feels

like we've boxed ourselves in style wise. Did either of you feel pressure to stick to a naming theme and what other names were on your list? Thanks for keeping me sane on the commute, Molly. Molly, do you know what? I think you've just got this can of worms and just, you know, when they get the tinch. Yeah, I think Molly, we could do a whole episode on this. We could do a whole fucking episode. You are strong on naming themes. You had a whole process. Mine is a very mine was very strong. So Colby is the initials of the children are CDR, which is Colby's whole name. So Colby's initials are CDR and the children are Colby, Dottie, Renly.

So I wanted all three babies to hold the same initials as the eldest child, which they do. Also they are Chris, Renly's initials are after my brother and my sister. So he is Renly James, which is Renly is the last bird in the nest is a Ren. He is my last baby in our nest. James is after my great uncle James and also my brother in law James, who is just both fantastic people

and people that I cherish so close to my heart. But also I wanted him to be an RR because of Richie and Roxanne. So his initials are RJR, which is after Roxanne, James and Richie. Yes. So they all do have- You were very strong on a theme weren't you?

Very, very strong. Yeah. Very, it was very sentimental. But I feel like I had Colby, which is unusual, but then I had Dottie, which is Dorothy, which again is traditional. It is traditional, but I think Dottie is more of a- It's more common now. Yes, but more of a quirky version obviously than Dorothy. If you'd call Colby Dorothy, which again is traditional. It is traditional, but I think Dottie is more of a- It's more common now. Yes, but more of a quirky version, obviously, than Dorothy. If you'd gone Colby Dorothy, that probably wouldn't have- I really wish I'd gone Dorothy.

Do you? Yeah, I really love Dorothy. I like Dottie. I like, I also really like Dottie, D-O-T-H-I-E. I really like Dottie or Dottie, because my grandma was shortened to either Dot or Dottie, which I really like for Dorothy. You had the family connection as well, like we had Dothie. Oh, okay. Which I really like. You had the family connection as well like we had with Sadie.

She's after Stefan's grandmother. Yes. So that was kind of easy for us to kind of make that connection. But say yours are probably... Chris is, I wanted a C for the first because Chris is a C. Chris. So I wanted Colby to be a C letter name. And you liked Colby because of the cheese?

The Colby, Colby Jack cheese. That's a good reason. It was, it just kept coming up. That's the only thing it justby, Colby Jack cheese. That's a good reason. It just kept coming up. That's the only thing it just kept coming up everywhere we went. And then Dottie is obviously Dottie Violet, which is very sentimental because that is my grandma and Violet was Chris's grandma.

So they were big things. And then Renly's, Colby's I'd say was, his middle name is Dane, D-A-N-E, which is my granddad. Yeah, so yours all have kind of reasons why. They're quite meaningful, aren't they? Very, very sentimental. When my sister looks back and my sister's like, mine. She literally just liked them.

She just loves the name. She's like, oh, maybe I should have done more. Yes, I did everything for the family to keep it cut. No, no. But you and your sister went more, I'd say with like modern names. Yeah, so my sister is Eden, Tobias, Ember and Everly. Tobias is quite judish, but the others are quite modern, more modern I would say. So with Joseph, I would say like you haven't boxed yourself in because probably, which

I think with my Joseph as well, when they go to school, they're probably going to become a Joe. And Joe is such a like- Tobias is still a Tobias. Is he? Not a Toby? No, no, not a Toby. Hates Toby. Hates it. My family loves shortening everything to a one syllable name. So it's gonna have to, it probably will become a Joe. And I think Joe's really universal. That kind of goes with anything.

But if you wanna keep him a Joseph, I mean, I'd say you haven't boxed yourself in. You can do whatever you want. To me, Joseph is, I don't wanna say common, but it's obviously- Popular. Yeah, sorry, popular. But Sadie's not.

See, I grew up with a little girl called Sadie. Did you? My mom's friend's daughter was Sadie. So I knew of the name Sadie's not. See, I grew up with a little girl called Sadie. My mum's friend's daughter was Sadie. So I knew of the name Sadie. But mostly people would say, oh, my dog's called Sadie. Yeah. Oh God. It's a really popular dog name. I met a dad in soft play the other day. He was like, oh, Sadie is the number one dog's name or something. And I was like, cheers. And that was my daughter's. Yeah. But I have to say, I'm very happy with Sadie as a choice. I feel like you've got an unpopular, you've got a popular and an unpopular,

because I would say Sadie isn't a popular baby name. But Sadie, because it's named after Stefan's grandmother, I think it is also kind of still fits into that traditional category. Because she was over 100 years old and she had the name Sadie. And I had no idea it went back that far. But it's one of those names, I think, if I may say, that is still quite trendy, but also has those roots going back in its real tradition, which I really like. And also I like that you don't hear it that much now, but people kind of still know about it.

So basically what I would say is you can do whatever you want. You don't have to go traditional. No, and I feel like with Safina though, I feel like I couldn't have gone for a David, Henry, Jack. Yeah, or like imagine you'd gone like... They go Safina, oh, what's your children's name? Oh, that's David, Alan. You wouldn't have gone really traditional. I felt like I wanted to.

Even though you've got Christopher. We should do a- That's quite traditional. Christopher, yeah, I didn't name him though. No, I know, but like to keep the theme of the family. Yeah, he's the only one with a traditional name. But we could do a whole names I love. We love. I don't think I've ever, ever shared that.

Your other names. I see it a lot on social media. You did say a while ago your other name for Renly. Was Rudy. Was Rudy, which I really like. Which is now one of Colby's best friends, is called Rudy. Is it?

Yeah, yeah. Also I think it really changes, like the names I liked when I had Joseph changed by the time I had Sadie. And then even when I had Sadie, we were gonna call her Betty. And then when I had her, I was like, that just doesn't seem right.

She doesn't seem like a Betty. I think Betty would have gone with Joseph because it's quite old and traditional. I really like those older names though. You can take a traditional name and make it a little bit. Jazz it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think you just gotta do you. Yeah, just do whatever you fancy. I mean, my sister's called Roxanne and most people go, phew. Roxanne, why did your parents call her Roxanne? Was it because of the song? My dad really loves Sting, yeah. Is that really why?

Yeah. And what about you and Richie? Well, they didn't really want me. I just came as a buy one get one free. But Safina, where did that come from? Did they kind of just make up? So my dad liked Sophie and my mom liked Safiya and they just kind of blended it together.

But I was going to be Charlie, which I think I am a Charlie. For a girl? Yeah, yeah. I really look, I feel like I look like a Charlie. I can see you as a Charlie. Yeah, and then my mom liked Anastasia, but she didn't want people to call me Anna for short. Oh, okay.

I really like Anastasia. I love her name, Anna. But I would have to be an Anastasia. Anyway. So yeah, there you go. If you want to know any of our baby names, maybe we could do. A baby name special.

Yeah, that would be lovely. I could talk about it all day. But Molly, I don't know if that was any help. Yeah, sorry, no, basically. We just waffled fucking shit. We just waffled and said, do what you want. Do apologize. But yeah, Joseph's a pretty, goes with everything.

I think it's, yeah, I think you can go trendy or go traditional. You do you, boo boo. You do you, do what you like. Yes, so wonderful. Well, it's, yeah, I think you can go trendy or go traditional. You do you, they go. You do you, do what you like. Yes, so wonderful. Well, thank you so much, Molly. And do keep us posted if you're trying. Yeah, I'd love to know.

Yeah, keep us in on the, keep us in the loop. Keep us in the loop, yeah. Okay, let's have secret number two. All right, this says, hi ladies, I love the podcast. It's been such a support through pregnancy and now new motherhood, so thank you. No, thank you.

My baby is four months old. A couple of weeks ago during a night feed, I brought him into bed like usual. I thought he wasn't moving yet, so I left him there briefly to make his bottle and he rolled for the first time right off the bed. Always horrible. We've all been there.

He landed on his back and cried for a few minutes, but was quickly fine. I sobbed uncontrollably, took him to the hospital the next morning and was given the all clear. What's really stuck with me is my partner's reaction. He showed no comfort to me at all, didn't speak to me that night or the next day and when I texted him saying I was taking our baby to hospital he just said he was furious I let this happen. Oh no. He then told his family who have

since made snide comments which has really hurt. We're back to normal now but every time we argue he brings it up to score points. I guess I just need reassurance. Am I a terrible mum? Has this happened to anyone else? I'm still full of guilt. Love an anonymous mum. Oh no. Fuck me. The reaction is a red flag to me. No, no, no, no, no. You are not a bad mum letting that happen. You are not a bad mum at all. It's happened to everyone. As horrible as it is. I know there's going to be people on here that are health professionals and are health care and what are they called? Health visitors? Yeah, like health visitors are going to say, no, this is not, it's really bad. You shouldn't let it happen. Obviously you shouldn't let it happen. No one does it on purpose. No one

does it on purpose. And I know there's going to be people listening to this. It isn't great. No, I know that, but there has been situations where Renly fell off the bed the other day. They were jumping on the bed and I said, don't jump on the bed. And over the back of his head, he literally landed like near on his head neck. I panic, you panic, but they do have falls and it's not ideal. No, we don't want it to happen. But it is unfortunate that it fucking does. I'd be surprised to hear from anyone whose baby hasn't rolled off the bed. Anybody that's angry at us that says that we're does. I'd be surprised to hear from anyone whose baby hasn't rolled off the bed. Or anybody that's angry at us that says that we're normal.

And I'm most certainly will put this hand on my heart and say, I'm not fucking normalizing that it's okay that this happens. I think there's a difference between normalizing it and saying it's okay. I think it's normal to happen. Don't want people to misconstrue what I'm saying. No, obviously, like, it's common sense, right? It's not nothing. I'm so angry at your partner, sorry.

Yeah, it's something that nobody wants to happen. And when it does happen, it's horrible. It's happened to us a couple of times with each child, I'll say. And it is awful. You feel so guilty. You're obviously worried about them. You've done the right thing.

You've got them checked out and like chances are. How dare he? They're fine, but the way that he's making you feel for that is not okay. I definitely, no, that is not. That really, really is not okay. The first instinct should be one to check if the baby's okay and then two to comfort you.

Because just like Chris would me, I was uncontrollable every time, every time it's happened to all three of them. I'm uncontrollable beyond myself. I'm looking at them watching, their eyes dilating, are they vomiting? Are they still moving the same? Are they crying? I don't fucking sleep. It's horrid. And also four months, you think that's when they

start to roll, right? Yeah, they do. You think like the first time it happened to Sadie, I'm like, oh, she can't roll yet. Suddenly they surprise you, they roll off the bed. You're like, okay, now I know. I'm not going to let that happen again. But it happens. And when it does happen, like the time Joseph fell out of his baby bouncer. Yeah, I was like, yeah, I was in tears. I was like, how could I be so stupid to let that happen? Stefan's first instinct was to comfort me and be like, yeah, he's okay. Don't worry. You're a good mom. You're the baby's fucking security. They've been in your body for nine months. They've not even been out of the in the world as much time as they've been in your belly.

How dare you degrade me? Sorry, this has made me really mad. But it's a tough, it's a tough one for you because this is your partner. What's she going to do? I would have been having a fucking serious conversation. How dare you bring this back up? One, how dare you speak to your family who are now making me feel shit. When I am the mother of your child, regardless of anything happens now in life, you are always going to have

a connection because you have this baby together. So that is your whole world. The pair of you is two people. That's your whole world. Regardless of whether you're together forever or you do go your own way, that is always going to tie you back. How dare you one speak to your family and allow them to now make snide comments? Go behind your back, undermine you, try and make you look like a shit speak to your family and allow them to now make snide comments and they treat you like- Go behind your back, undermine you, try and make you look like a shit mom to his family. Don't you dare bring it up in an argument. That's a low blow.

To score points in an argument, that's not okay. I think you need to have a very, very serious conversation. I feel bad for- I do feel bad for you. I feel bad for our mom now though, because she is in a situation where her partner's not being supportive and he's not behaving in the right way. You need to have a conversation about that,

but I think that's gonna be really hard. And I hope that, not from our reaction, but I hope that you- I hope you feel reassured. Sorry that that was so angry. I'm sorry that was so angry. Cause it's- You are not wrong. It is really hard in that situation to hear that

when you have every right to be supported and have someone there back in your side, because it is an unfortunate situation, but it does happen. And he was, I would say he was wrong. His reaction is wrong, I think. We adore you and we think a lot about you and you're at the forefront of our mind always,

because motherhood is fucking hard. Parenthood is fucking hard, but I feel like motherhood just has that little bit, peaks that little bit higher when plus you've still got fucking shit loads of hormones going through your body. Yeah, he's only four months old. Just as wild to me.

So I do apologize. Oh, I hope you're okay. I hope that didn't stress you out. Yeah, I'm really sorry about that. Bless your heart. Please keep us posted. And if there's anything we can help with, or if maybe if anybody else has been in this situation, that also please do do let us know then we can pass it on.

If you've been in that situation and how you handled it that would be really great. Yeah that's a really tough one sorry. Right let's have our last secret of the week. All right it says hello ladies. After the poo masher revelation I had to share this secret. Shit. A couple of years ago my partner and I were on a quiet little caravan break. One morning, I woke up to the toilet flushing repeatedly and a lot of swearing. Turns out my partner had blocked the loo

with what he calls his giant shit. Shit. I took over before he flooded the place, but the toilet brush wasn't doing the job. So I looked out the open window and saw a long twig sticking out of a bush. I grabbed it and used it to plunge the loo. Blockage sorted, but now I had a dripping, shit-covered twig in my hand. I didn't fancy walking it through the caravan so I just shoved it back out of

the bush. There was a lingering smell of shit in the caravan. There was a lingering pong outside for the rest of the trip, but at least the toilet worked. Love the pod. Keep doing what you do, Karen. Right, Karen, was it your poo? Was it your partner's poo? Partners! You got the twig and you squashed your ain't partner shit down the toilet. That's true love. Listen, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not triggered by the Pong outside. Your partner's poo. You,

you mash that. You must really love him. You must really love him. I would have passed him the twig and said, you mash your own shit. I'm not shit. I'm not mashing that shit. Mash it up. Mash it up. Mash it up. You mash the poo. Then you were holding the dripping poo log to which you then launched out of your caravan window. I mean, fuck. Karen, I don't know what. Wow. Wow. You've really gone a bit beyond there. You've really bamboozled us. Yeah. Wow. Would you do that for Chris? No, there's no way I'm mashing that man's shit.

He can mash his own shit. I would have flooded the caravan and made him explain to them as to what he's done. I think me and you are more likely the ones to block the toilet, to be fair. Yeah, I was going to say my massive turd would mash it. But do you know what? There's the really bad things. I think Chris would mash my shit. Stefan definitely wouldn't do mine. Christmas mash my shit.

He would be like, don't worry, I've got this covered. And then would he throw the pooey twig out the window? Yeah, of course he would. He's just such an angel to this world. God bless his heart. Now I feel bad. Would I mash his shit? No, I still wouldn't. I'm sorry.

Thank you for sharing your secrets this week. Everyone is welcome in the Secret Mum Club. No, I still wouldn't. I'm sorry. Thank you for sharing your secrets this week. Everyone is welcome in the Secret Mum Club. If you'd like to share your secrets with us, you can. The email is hello at secretmumpod.com or with Secret Mum Pod on TikTok and Instagram. Are you following us yet? You best bloody be. Very threatening.

Why not? Press that follow button. Jesus Christ. Otherwise we will come with you with a poo stick and mash your poo. Actually no I won't. But have you ever had to dispose of a poo stick? Or do you have a baby naming theme for your children? Then let us know there really is nothing too outrageous. Keep an eye out for our Thursday episode and we'll see you next time on the Secret Mum Club!