Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Post-Baby Bowel Movement

Episode Date: May 20, 2024

The back-to-the-studio excitement continues with our first Monday episode back. Emma shares some incredible news and Sophiena has Renley's first ever secret! Plus, we hear about one mum's experience w...ith homeschooling, there's a post-partum poo celebration, and we learn about a new way to use nappies in an emergency. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Hello, this is the Secret Mum Club. I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. And this podcast is a safe space for mums everywhere. A safe space to... Too much Prosecco. A safe space to share our secrets. Because we all have secrets, don't we? And as we know, sharing is caring.
Starting point is 00:00:20 You don't have to tell us who you are. Yeah, you can keep that to yourself, you can be anonymous. And those secrets can be serious or silly. All secrets are welcome in the Secret Mum Club. We are so in tune because we are in the studio. We're in the same room. I feel like this is never going to get old. No, I know.
Starting point is 00:00:40 I feel like for the next year we'll be like, we're still in the studio. Everyone's going to be be like shut the fuck up shut up you've been back for ages you'll be pregnant again by the end of the year can you imagine gosh imagine doing that all again deja vu would you do it again no would you never never say never i always used to be like never say never like three is so such a nice dynamic yeah but you will you told me you wanted three because you're one of three yeah one of three i'm on the three stefan's one of three you've got three because you're one of three yeah one of three I'm one of three Stefan's one of three you've got three numbers
Starting point is 00:01:06 you're one of three numbers are talk at the town at the moment numbers are the talk of the town after you your DMs are blowing up my DMs are blowing
Starting point is 00:01:13 because I actually really love Sadie's birthday yeah and you were talking about Renly's numbers all my numbers and Colby's and Dottie's I've had so many messages and we had so many comments
Starting point is 00:01:21 on that people being like I'm my family are all the twos or my family are all the sevens or you know so fucking phenomenal isn't it there's some mad ones there and stefan was actually slagging me off this week because he i was talking about dates of births um to my friend and he was like no one cares about that it's like no one reads into this as deeply as you and i was like hun stefan check my dm okay you need to slide up in my dm base
Starting point is 00:01:44 actually you wouldn't get noticed in the dm so it's that many dm okay you need to slide up in my dm base actually you wouldn't get noticed in the dm so it's that many yeah exactly sorry you need to back the fuck back up sister go play golf do you know what started the conversation about numbers station after renly my sister had her baby this week fuck off yeah oh shit how was it fuck more importantly we didn't even know what she was having what she had so you know i thought she was having. What she had. So, you know, I thought I was having a boy. She was having a girl. You called her having a girl. Ages ago.
Starting point is 00:02:10 I had a girl. She's only bloody had a boy. She's had a little boy. I was so surprised. Renny's not happy about that. He wanted to be the only boy. He wanted two bitches. Sorry.
Starting point is 00:02:24 He's still in your limelight. I'm sorry, Renny. Sorry about that. Sorry about that he wanted to be the only boy he wanted two bitches sorry he's stealing your limelight i'm sorry renice sorry about that sorry about their babies oh my goodness and she popped him out at home in like 20 minutes fuck off i know what an absolute boss we need to get her on here a birth story she she was like she was just sat eating a curry glass of prosecco fucking he come out she did she said to me do you take guests on your podcast i've got very interesting birth story i was like well actually maybe you could come on your podcast i've got very interesting birth story i was like well actually maybe you could come on we need to look into this now don't we yeah she had the um pool at home and everything water birth just in the front room where was the other baby um he was involved no he was with my i think he was with my mom and dad so did we know he was
Starting point is 00:03:00 coming well obviously she was um i think she was four days overdue so like to be expected yeah um but yeah it just started like i think she said they went out for lunch even and then she kind of started getting some tightening thought something was happening just started like laboring at home then the community midwife comes around this was all in the space of like a few hours she's fully had her baby she pops into the pool 20 minutes later baby's born oh my god what a woman i know the complete opposite experience to me as well like planned c-section like it couldn't couldn't be more different absolutely stunners and what did how was her first birth that was a vaginal birth as well
Starting point is 00:03:36 but in hospital and that was okay and that was good was it a quick one um not no not that quick just like i think a standard like first labor i also can't believe that Sadie's going to be the only girl. What about other sissies? Is she going to have more than two? Again, she's like, I think she likes the idea of three, but I think we both now are maybe like... To be honest, she makes it look fucking easy, doesn't she? Birthing a baby at high school.
Starting point is 00:03:59 I know. She's 40 this year, though. So, but I... Age doesn't mean anything. No, you can obviously have babies after 40. Yeah. But I think it probably gets but i know she doesn't mean anything no you can obviously have babies after 40 yeah but i think it probably gets a bit harder doesn't it i think do you know what right i actually was thinking about this the other day and i think it only gets harder on your body the more children you have at an older age so because i had colby at 28 dotty at 30 renly
Starting point is 00:04:23 it's obviously you had at 35. I think had it been my first baby and I was having in between 35 and 40 and my body hadn't already done it, I don't think I would have struggled as much. Oh, interesting. Plus, it's 10 years since my cervix surgery. So I had a lot of surgery. So it's 10 years since my surgery. Also, five years since having a previous baby. And I just think because i've had children and
Starting point is 00:04:45 everything's kind of gone back but also dropped a little bit yeah i just think it was more painful that way but i think even if you had a baby older and it's your first baby i don't think you struggle no and i guess it depends on everything doesn't it depends on your fitness level and all that jazz yeah but i just find honestly i find it very empowering having a baby later yeah i think more women than ever having babies over 40 now i just find it really like powerful but it's just depressing that after 35 you're called a geriatric mum i think the system makes you think like you're too old to be having a baby i literally got to the point where i was like call me geriatric one more time i will junk punch you right up on your feet i'm not old i know
Starting point is 00:05:21 i know you are you are you are technically you are medically geriatric you're one of the older mums yeah but who's having a like 20 well my sister had a baby at 20 my mom had my sister at 20 yeah yeah my sister had and then i don't know how old roxanne was when she had her last what obviously just work work it back can't i how old's the so my sister was 30 when she had her last all right so over 10 years she had four kids yeah yeah because so my youngest niece is now eight she'll be nine this year and my sister's 38 yeah so 20 29 30 yeah yeah that's how you can fit four in start a bit earlier yeah and there's she was every 18 months she fell pregnant god so she they are 15 13 11 9 do you know what doing it now with two i'm like 11 9 how do people do it with three or
Starting point is 00:06:14 four i don't know again my sister's a false advertisement for children yeah she makes it look easy and they're easy kids as well and they're always they always look immaculate yeah because i was under the illusion like my sister if my sister can do it yeah i can do it like she's making it look easy had colby and i was like okay maybe that was a try again yeah maybe that one just wasn't the right maybe we should just try again because that one was just bad luck okay yeah we should maybe just stayed an auntie yeah james awesome we love you dot love love the baby so much it was funny this one i came in this morning and dots came in the studio and adam said makes so much sense now yeah now i've met her yeah it makes so much sense yeah he was like she really lived up to expectation
Starting point is 00:06:56 it makes so much sense now it's the first time i've met her as well and honestly she's everything you get to see her on my phone don't you yeah but i think if you don't follow me but then see her and because obviously adam listens doesn't he well i've seen her popping in the background of all the home recordings yeah she likes to make a little cameo but you met her today but it lived up to all my expectations yeah it was everything i hoped it would be and more and then colby's just like all right i feel like colby is just colby yeah like he's just again exactly like i would imagine yeah yeah and i feel like joseph will be the same like i just feel like yeah just be resting bitch face joseph yeah like yeah he says no to everything at the moment do
Starting point is 00:07:36 you want to do this no do you want to go out to the park no do you want to go on holiday no this doesn't want to do anything have you have you booked a holiday we're going on holiday in um september so i keep really like talking it up to him and you're on the passport you're getting the passport done he's well we need to get her passport done but i i feel a bit bad at the moment i've been trying to take a passport photo but she's in her milk spots era we're really bad at the moment and i'm like i can't let you have that passport photo for the next five years you're too you're too crusty oh i thought the brand new ones was only three years i think it's five first five years isn't it well either way it's not fair to let her have a passport photo at the moment when she's you know she's going through her spotty face donna just put a bit of foundation a bit of highlight i'm kidding what i did do the other
Starting point is 00:08:16 day was squirt a bit of breast milk on her oh face people say that's really good let's be really good for your skin i had some breast milk left over in the freezer and i've been doing some breast milk baths for him. Oh, have you? Yeah. And it's working? Yeah, yeah. To help his little, because he had such a sore bottom.
Starting point is 00:08:29 They say it's the biggest medicine for them, isn't it? Wow. So we, and also where he's had a little bit of a snotty nose because again, I feel like we're waiting for our jabbies and we're a little bit over. I've just been syringing a mil of breast milk into his mouth. It really is like medicine.
Starting point is 00:08:42 And it's like medicine. It's magic, isn't it? Yeah. I do feel like it's cleared up her skin a bit, but no, I'm waiting on the passport photo for a little bit because i did take some snaps the other day and i was like i can't do you have to hold her up to a blank wall i just lay her down on a white sheet this is what i did with joseph as well and then try and like flatten it oh we can do that can we i did the i've got him like this this is holding him up in the booth yeah
Starting point is 00:09:01 there's my fingers behind his head but yeah he's this got a photo photoshop them out no i think this was one good thing that came out of post covid was that they were like you can just have your photos taken at home obviously because no one was getting to a photo booth so yeah you can just do that and it's easy peasy you can just take it on your iphone and then upload it on the um it's what we do with the babies on the website yeah sorry darling sorry because your head was in my armpit tell me about your week to be honest with you I don't really know what I've done
Starting point is 00:09:29 no what have I done it all blurs into one doesn't it when you're at home well we covered some of it in the Thursday episode didn't we
Starting point is 00:09:33 yeah obviously the biggest event of the last week is coming in coming into the studio and doing this this is all I've looked forward to all week
Starting point is 00:09:40 I know I've counted down the days if I'm honest with you I've absolutely lived I've been relishing for the day I've only been on holiday in London haven't you yeah but i had a night stay in london yeah i've done we've done the z but we did that a couple of weeks ago i think we're just i'm just in my mum i was gonna say i'm in my mom era i've been in it for seven years i'm in my running era i've been
Starting point is 00:09:59 trying to yeah i've been trying to do my running and doing some home exercising yeah how's it going it's going you've been out the fucking window you've been smashing it you've been trying to do my running and doing some home exercising. Yeah. How's it going? It's going. You've been out the fucking window. I feel like you've been smashing it. You've been doing loads. I've been trying to do my best, but it's not. I just can't get this, the feeling of my ass falling out. The piss, the shit, the whole lot of exiting my body organs.
Starting point is 00:10:19 I can't believe you're back doing it already. It's very good for my mind. If I'm not running, I'm definitely, most definitely getting out for at least to get my steps in yeah because it's it's nice for the brain isn't it it's nice and it's not like i need a break i don't want people thinking i need a break i don't i just really enjoy that whole freeness of your mind yeah but when you're just walking it's just you have nothing else to think about do you i feel like i i loved running more after having joseph did you yeah because i've i had been running for four years um but after having him it was like a real nice like just a break to like get out the house not be thinking about baby stuff yeah not
Starting point is 00:10:56 have a baby climbing all over me to just be like i feel free yeah you do feel free yeah but also fun fact i found about emma is that she's run a marathon yeah because you're gonna try and do it next year are you let's not commit to it on the podcast i'll do it if you do it i've done it already yeah do another one no i've ticked it off my bucket list people were like oh you'll do it once and then you'll want to do it like every year you'll get the bug i was like absolutely not i've done it once and that's enough although i did see the other night and my brother and laws actually signed up to it for the moon moonlight walk is that a 26 mile walk at night time yeah in london i'm actually so sad that he didn't ask me to do it with him i would do a walk
Starting point is 00:11:35 for 26 miles but i'm not running 26 maybe should we sign up for the 22 oh let's do that we can do it with babies in the pram maybe not, and then they'll sleep the whole time. They haven't even opened their eyes. I just find it so empowering. Like, I just think what incredible, incredible people. And my brother-in-law just, like, he cried. I cried. He cried.
Starting point is 00:11:56 It was just a very emotional thing. But he just made his 25 miles just look like his fifth mile. He made it look so. Really? He was comfortable? Yeah, really, really comfortable. Really proud of him. It's such a good. but i feel like he really tuned in with his mind he's so so incredibly wonderful at just tuning into his own brain i think it's definitely mind over matter it's a psychological yeah test also psychologically weak so i'm never again you're
Starting point is 00:12:21 pretty fucking hard as nails i'm not i do think like i'm pretty when you see all the different yeah i'm pretty fucking scary you're pretty scary but when you see all the different shapes and sizes of people running the marathon you think it's really not a physical someone carrying a fridge think someone carrying a fridge you always get the people dressed as the rhinos pregnant lady the press woman's seven months pregnant like seven months pregnant i do believe anyone can do it fucking it's open for anyone but it is hard yeah i don't know i don't doubt that and the training is the worst because you're training through winter on your own going out and doing a long run at the weekend and it's a cold and
Starting point is 00:12:55 rainy miserable january and you're out slogging around for like four hours it's miserable she sold it do not recommend five out of ten but then when you're there on London Marathon Day, you're like, this is the best thing ever. And the feeling at the end. The sense of achievement is unbelievable. And do you know what really broke my heart? Is someone did like a collation. Collation?
Starting point is 00:13:16 Yeah. Population. Correction. Collection. Compilation. Compilation. Basically just put a video together of all the people that didn't
Starting point is 00:13:25 make the finish line but just how powerful like their stories were and just in it just that broke me that did the ones that like the stories of the people that tried yeah and it feels i feel bad saying you tried you fucking there's still someone that run like 21 miles and he just couldn't get to the finish and i thought fucking running a mile in itself you've won for me yeah I can't even
Starting point is 00:13:47 fucking walk a mile how devastating to get that close to the finish my sister said to me the other day you're not running 5k yet fucking hell hun
Starting point is 00:13:53 I'm only on day 3 of my fucking couch to 5k how long does couch to 5k give you to reach 5k 7 weeks and I keep looking at it and I'm like
Starting point is 00:14:00 there ain't no way I'm going to be able to run that you will without stopping you will my arse claps me. Gives me a round of applause every time I run down the street.
Starting point is 00:14:07 Even if you piss and shit yourself, you will make it. I know. I must fucking stink. I believe I can. I believe in you. Not shit myself. Fucking hell. But yeah, anywho, been a bit of a quiet week, really.
Starting point is 00:14:19 Yeah. Not much going on. I've literally just lived for this moment. Yeah, me too. And it's lived up to its expectations. Yeah more yeah it exceeded itself on that note i'm gonna eat the rest of the right get that maz made us cakes maz made us cakes it's a renly and sadie but the renly didn't survive so it was hold on no one needed to fucking know that renly survived the whole she just traveled fucking 10 hours on the train to get here today it was sadie and ren but we'll take it yeah
Starting point is 00:14:45 our little renny he takes away all your heartburn literally does doesn't he god love him we were comparing their little milk spots they've currently got the same balding patch sadie and ren um what are we gonna call sadie for short i've started doing sades and stefan hates it like yeah no i, with Colby, I always did more. Cole Bus. He's our Cole Bus. So she's Sadie Baby in our house. When Dot sees us,
Starting point is 00:15:09 she's like, oh, hello Sadie Baby. No, I do Sadie Baby as well. But for sure, I don't know. One syllable we need, don't we? Sadie Baby.
Starting point is 00:15:17 Yeah, we can't. We still can't go over that Sadie's going to be the only girl in your whole fam. I know. Three boy cousins and her. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:15:24 So I don't know whether she's going to be i know three boy cousins and her yeah so i don't know whether she's gonna be like sorry you're gonna have don't you bit of asmr you wouldn't fucking enjoy that ain't no mike she's either gonna be like a tomboy to fit in with the boys or she'll go like extra girly and princessy don't worry because i'm the only girl when we have you you've got a great role model is our dot yeah fucking hell you poor thing god imagine she turns out that dottyottie In for a ride I feel like you'll just be living I'm not gonna lie
Starting point is 00:15:47 Dott's is She's full on Pure entertainment We've actually started We wanna do a book Of the things that Dottie says Me too So like when she's 18
Starting point is 00:15:55 Not for anybody to buy But just for the things that To look back And say one day is Start keeping a journal This is all the things That you said You crazy
Starting point is 00:16:03 You crazy crazy I generally am scared For the person that breaks her fucking heart because she will... Kill you. Kill you. She will find you and she will kill you. I think she'll have a partner who will be too scared to fucking leave her. Sorry.
Starting point is 00:16:17 This is from her past mum to her future daughter. It's partner. We called it. You heard it here first. Emma and I really want to hear from you yeah we want you to join us
Starting point is 00:16:30 in the secret mum club you're all welcome you can share your secrets with us respond to what we've been talking about or just say hello
Starting point is 00:16:36 you can find us on TikTok and Instagram just search for secret mum pod or you can email us hello at secret mum pod dot com
Starting point is 00:16:43 we were so in tune then so we're going to be so in time for this you ready step in time step in time step in time because it's time to hit up the correspondence corner i did promise we wouldn't be more in tune but we would be more in time yeah all right one of all guys ready for the first one yeah hit us all right this says hello ladies i wanted to chime in on the homeschool subject oh we were talking about this earlier weren't we as long as she doesn't slag it off let's see it's such a hard decision and one that i think many struggle with i am homeschooling my girls who are five and three it was a hard but also easy decision i know where my kids are all day i know they're safe i know what they're learning and i know they aren't going to be bullied they're only little ones and I want them to be with me and be protected.
Starting point is 00:17:28 I don't have a degree, but I still have faith I can do it. When you homeschool, there are so many different programs you can choose from that give you workbooks with a teacher guide. Also, there are so many homeschool Facebook groups and in-person groups if you need help. I get to adapt to my children's learning style. They both love dance and swim lessons, so they're getting lots of time with kids their age. If you feel you want your kids close and you're questioning homeschooling, I say try it. From Samantha from Boise, Idaho. So it's America.
Starting point is 00:17:57 America. I feel like it's more common in America maybe than it is here. I don't feel like in the UK it's very common to homeschool. No. I don't know anyone that does it. But it does fascinate me. That makes me really happy. Maybe I just need to move to America.
Starting point is 00:18:09 Yeah, move to Boise, Idaho. There's a Southampton in America. There's probably Southamptons everywhere. And a New Hampshire. Yeah. Copped all out. I look on Rightmove. I do.
Starting point is 00:18:20 I found a lovely house in Texas the other day. Are you like, Chris, we're moving to Southampton, but in America. I found a lovely house in Texas the other day. Are you like, Chris, we're moving to Southampton, but in America. I found a lovely house in Texas the other day. Did you? Yeah. But they're cheap as well.
Starting point is 00:18:29 It's like fucking four times the size of our bungalow. Yeah. And it's half the price. Yeah. Get me to Texas, baby. There's just so much bloody space over there, isn't there? We're in Texas. Woo!
Starting point is 00:18:38 All right, Beyonce. I didn't want to say anything. But thank you so much. I really appreciate that. Thank you. And that's something for you to think about. And I'll be seeing you. Food for thought.
Starting point is 00:18:47 I'll be hitting up Target. Oh, I love a Target. I love a Target. And a Walmart. Oh, stop. Please. All right. I've got another message here.
Starting point is 00:18:55 It says, hello, ladies. While listening to the Fufu sideburns episode, I record my own funny post-caesarean story. Whilst in the hospital recovering, I was unable to poop. As the pains grew worse, I begged for stronger medicine to help things get moving. Then, in the hospital recovering i was unable to poop as the pains grew worse i begged for stronger medicine to help things get moving then in the middle of the night while my husband and new baby slept i felt it was go time oh fuck i got myself to the restroom where i proceeded to
Starting point is 00:19:15 let out the loudest fart of my life not just a trumpet but the entire horn section came out of my bowels into a small echoing bathroom as i sat there relishing in the sweet relief that fart gave me i heard a very light tapping on the door followed by my nurse excitedly asking if i had finally pooped yeah they're obsessed with that in hospital aren't they post baby yeah have you weed have you pooed how many times did you open your bowels how many times have you opened your bowels you opened your bowels and how was it? Yeah, they're right up your arsehole, aren't they? Literally, get in my bumhole.
Starting point is 00:19:52 I was instantly mortified that she could hear it from outside our room. I finished cleaning myself up and when I walked out, my amazing nurse was so happy that I had farted and would be able to sleep better. Lots of love, Deanna from the US. Oh, God bless you, Deanna. I literally love that she's called her amazing nurse as well. I know. You just don't forget that do you?
Starting point is 00:20:08 Wow. Did you have a good team? Outside the room. Do you know what? Every individual midwife that I dealt with was brilliant. Yes.
Starting point is 00:20:16 I think I spoke about this on the podcast before. Overall they were just short-staffed and there just weren't enough. I didn't know if I dreamt you know I'm in such a delusional state. I don't know if I dreamt it or if we've spoken about it and also i think we've spoken about like our birth experiences a lot on the podcast and off the podcast it's hard to know
Starting point is 00:20:31 like what we've actually spoken about hard to know what we cover um but yeah they were they were yeah they were good but it was just did i tell you about my my catheter came loose and the bag of wee spilled all over the bed but I there wasn't a midwife on in the room so I just had to sit in my fuck off yeah I had to sit in my pissy bed for about I'd say it was about 40 minutes yeah and I was just like help I've um and also I didn't know I was like I didn't know the catheter had come loose because it was under the sheets and I couldn't move because of my cesarean scar so I was like have I didn't know the catheter had come loose because it was under the sheets and I couldn't move because of my cesarean scar. So I was like, have I just pissed myself or is that the catheter bag? And then when the nurse came in,
Starting point is 00:21:09 she was like, oh, your catheter's come loose. Was she angry at you? No, no, I just, I didn't have a call bell like within reach. So I couldn't call anyone. So it was only when she next came in that I was like, hello, have you got five minutes? I'm covered in piss.
Starting point is 00:21:20 And she changed my sheets and everything. But that's the kind of thing that like there just weren't enough people to. That's really sad. I'm so sorry. To deal with stuff. I know. But that's not the worst thing that like there just weren't enough people to that's really sad i'm so sorry to deal with stuff i know but that's not the worst thing that could happen but no it isn't the worst but still not the nicest of experience not great no oh sorry girl god bless you i've been covered in my own piss before and i'll be covered in my own piss again yeah so you don't stink though thank you the pissy smells the pissy
Starting point is 00:21:41 smells gone just oh well de, I love that so much. Yeah, thank you. That's my kind of girl, that is. Get down with the trumpet. Yeah, it really is. She's looking at you. She's wide awake now. She is wide awake.
Starting point is 00:21:52 I just had a bit of milk. How is her awake time? Welcome to the party. You know, I was saying she sleeps all the time. I told you you fucking jinxed yourself. Not anymore. I jinxed myself. They get to six weeks and they're suddenly party time, isn't it?
Starting point is 00:22:03 Not for Renly. Renly's a typical man. Yeah. Eats, sleeps, poos, shits, repeats.
Starting point is 00:22:10 Yeah. That's all he does. No, she's awake quite a lot now. Literally, Renly's asleep a lot of the day. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:22:16 I googled the other day how much. We did as well. How long is normal? And I think for a newborn it was like 19 hours and me and Stefan were like, she's more like 23.
Starting point is 00:22:24 I was going to say, Raleigh's asleep about 23 hours a day make the most of it because now I'm like why won't you sleep does she also focus on you now? yeah she's a little bit cross eyed still but more Raleigh doesn't focus on us at all
Starting point is 00:22:39 I think he looks around like as if to say can you just fuck off can you all shut up? It's so loud in here. She's drifting off. Boring. Anyhow, I thought I'd just check in. Nah, fuck this.
Starting point is 00:22:53 I'm out. I'm off. So you can get in touch with us on anything at all. Yeah, it can be serious or silly and you can be totally anonymous. Because between us, we've probably heard it all before. And remember, I'm excited for this one. I'm so excited. Three, two, two one we're all in this together and we know that we are we're all stars and we see that each week we'll be sharing our secrets and yours in the secret mum club here's my secret of the week is renna's first secret of the week come on you are not ready
Starting point is 00:23:27 the debut the debut it's not really a secret to be honest but it was it's a funny one so we we've been going back and forth to the doctors because we've still been struggling a little bit with the pill with the milk and the poo and the whole situation of everything and i'm not gonna lie to you it's been a tough week i've kept a lot to myself i've been a little bit quiet only because it stresses me out a little bit and in fact i just want to sit here hugging my baby who i want to be okay you know so we went back for a checkup at the doctors because we still have a little bit of trouble with the poo okay so we went in checked in sat down i'd walked from the doctor's surgery i walked from the house up to the doctor's surgery and was sweating my tits off. So I thought, you know what?
Starting point is 00:24:06 I'm going to strip up, strip off myself. Then I'm going to get Renly out of the pram because he's just had a feed and he's going to be sick on himself if I don't get him out of the pushchair. So I got him out, sat there snuggling. Everyone was like, oh, it's a brand new baby, blah, blah, blah. So there was me and then a couple of seats down,
Starting point is 00:24:20 there was a lady and her daughter. So there was two. Then there was another two in the window. Then there was three in the middle middle a lady opposite and then another lady opposite and everyone was just you know like you're in the line yeah i wonder how long they're gonna be i wonder when my next i just swat all over my muff then um renly took a shit i was gonna say it's like you or renly that's friendly to be fair i could have blamed it on the baby could be either the only opportunity i would have got to just
Starting point is 00:24:49 absolutely empty my bowels and um in the clinic so did that and it was the fact that he just was so i didn't know when to talk or when to excuse his trumpet or his shit um to which I just went a luminous red literally probably as pink as this um and everybody just turned I looked at him and I was like well thank god I'm holding a baby because otherwise this will be awkward no one laughed the room was drier than my vagina it was fucking awkward as fuck and i just sat there like let's hope they need a poo sample yeah i just want people not find that funny i don't know i just that's so funny i really wanted the ground to just open up and swallow at least you had him because honestly if that was me and
Starting point is 00:25:39 yeah i shit myself and then i had a little bit of an awful experience with the doctor um not as bad as this didn't sit down at least she was fucking funny went into this one another doctor um and she was like why don't you just ask to see the doctor that you've seen twice before i fucking did i did ask to see that doctor the laculose one yeah the the one that gave me yeah yeah the one we liked um but she went into one went into the room she let the door go on me fire door fire door she let a fire door go on me i was holding really in my arms had all of my stuff in the doona pram and the yeah and the door just whacked me and i was like oh can you can you grab the can you grab the door no okay so i had to like push past the pram to open the door to put the pram in and she was just
Starting point is 00:26:22 like yeah sit down then and i was like great okay went through everything won't talk too much about the appointment because it was just fucking shit and then she was like anyway you can go um and i was like okay where do i get my prescription she was like it's been sent to your pharmacy okay what pharmacy is that she went i don't know it's yours i don't know where he fucking sent my prescription so then told me that there's no print offs anymore because who does print offs anymore my last doctor done yeah it's electronic now so then she was like you can go are you gonna are you gonna get the door yeah no gonna help me on the
Starting point is 00:26:55 way out so i had to do the had to do like leg arm door the pram the door hit the pram the pram hit the baby in the head the handle of the pram and then as i was coming out the door hit the pram the pram hit the baby in the head the handle of the pram and then as i was coming out the door hit the baby on the head on the way out and i just got into the reception and just burst into tears so my baby's just fucking shit and farted in there there's nowhere to change him and the doctor was just fucking rude and no one helped you no and she was like are you okay she was like do you need to see a doctor don't try to make out i've got post-natal depression i'm just fucking having a shit day okay because all they do is when you're sad with the baby no offense when you're sad with the baby the doctor just goes do you think it's postnatal depression
Starting point is 00:27:34 no i'm just having a fucking really shit day yeah like i think it's more i guess more serious than it is depression i'm having a fucking shit day the door just hit my baby on the head sounds like it's shit. Fucking so shit. Get me out of there because I've fucking had enough. So yeah, we had a little bit of a shit experience. But that was funny in the waiting room. Literally a shit experience.
Starting point is 00:27:54 Literally no one found it funny. And I just thought, that's my guy. You know when you looked at him, I was like. People need to get a life. You know, I spoke about joking about my missing child because I've got a double buggy. Oh, you can't joke. So was that a, because we had our first shit up the back experience this week through the up through the baby grow no we're a little enough to we're a little shorter yeah we are like so far but this
Starting point is 00:28:14 week the first um first up the back number which i remember joseph doing a lot i think that's quite common for breastfed babies i was gonna say we had a lot in the hospital. Yeah. We had big, big poopies in the hospital but he was on the breast milk. Yeah. Yeah. Quite runny, isn't it? Yeah. It is really runny.
Starting point is 00:28:29 Not seedy. Do you have seedy shits? Yeah, she did at the start. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they looked like they had sesame seeds in them. But it's more runny and like clear now.
Starting point is 00:28:36 Yeah. Ours is seedy. Ours basically looks like peanut butter but yellow. Oof. I don't know. It looks quite nice.
Starting point is 00:28:42 Delish. I'm sorry you had that experience. Don't be silly. I recommend making GP surgery. I just feel like I'm having the worst experience with doctors at the moment. yellow oh i don't know it looks great delicious i'm sorry you had that experience and maybe silly i recommend me i just made a gp so i just feel like i'm having the worst experience with doctors at the moment you really aren't having much luck no i'm not but you know i'm here for the shits and gigs i'm having a great time for the shits literally to be fair and he's not bothered by the whole experience it's more me stressed than him he's very he's not he's not fucking buffed he doesn't know what's going on he doesn't care that he's shitting 10 times a day he's like
Starting point is 00:29:04 in front of everyone at the gp surgery he doesn't care that you're shitting 10 times a day. In front of everyone at the GP surgery. He doesn't care that you're fucking fine. You know when you just wanted somebody with you? Yeah. There was a point in my life, but even just one of the children, because Colby would have fucking loved it. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:29:14 Safety in numbers. Yeah, Colby would have loved that. He would have probably given her a fist pump. Yeah. Like, my guy. That's my brother. Yeah, that's my brother. Dotsie would have stuck up for you as well.
Starting point is 00:29:24 Dotsie would have stuck up for you as well dotsy would have stuck up for me she would have just been like what are you fucking all looking at yeah you shit okay yeah you're gonna hold the fucking door open for my mom or what yeah fucking bang the fucking door on your head love that'd been dot yeah take it with you next time it's the fact that dotty now it has no filter so what i'm thinking she just says it yeah like we were waiting for a change because we on the way back i had to pop into the surgery on the way back from the school run um and the doctor was very surprised that this wasn't my first child but like the other one when i was like oh anyhow i need to know where
Starting point is 00:29:53 the prescription is because i've got to go on the school run she's like oh so this isn't this isn't your first child no she was like shit and it's not my first baby yeah so we had to come back and on the way back dotsy actually did need a poo so i popped into the surgery because i needed to ask because they gave me the prescription but conveniently didn't put any dosage on the prescription so i didn't know fucking how much to take so i went had to go back into the surgery and say look didn't tell me how much i need to give him or what i'm meant to be doing so we were sit there and i said to dotty oh i'll see if we can get you to go to the toilet so we go to the toilet. So we went into the toilet
Starting point is 00:30:26 and the lady was like, yeah, you can use it. And she went, yeah, let's go into this toilet with no changing facilities. And you know when you're like... Go on. She just says, you know,
Starting point is 00:30:37 the things that my mind, like I said to her, there's a toilet in the doctor's, the one with no changing facility. I said to Dottie, would you believe there was no changing facility? So then we obviously went in there, not expecting in the doctor's, the one with no change in facility. I said to Dottie, would you believe there was no change in facility? So then we obviously went in there,
Starting point is 00:30:47 not expecting, she just went, yeah, the toilet with no change in facilities. And you're like, oh, fuck. But there we go. Oh, man. That's my secret this week. So we're going to be hearing some of yours
Starting point is 00:30:59 on the, Emma's on a nappy change, so I'm solo on this one, Secret Mum Club. Secret Mum Club. Secret Mum Club. There she goes in the background. This is the Secret Mum Club, the safe space for you to share your secrets. And we've got three that we're going to be discussing this week i always act surprised like we're going to have more than
Starting point is 00:31:27 three yeah it's always three it's always three i don't know why i say that but anywho let's kick off with number one all right hello beautiful ladies me and my partner listen to your podcast every weekend on our drive to pick up my stepchildren that's beautiful in the summer my two youngest stepchildren seven and six years, spoke to my next door neighbour and asked her how old she was. She told them she was almost 80. Wow. To which the eldest responded, You're going to die soon.
Starting point is 00:31:53 Oh, no. Oh, fuck. At that moment, I felt like I was going to die soon. Love from Helen. Kids say the funniest things. Fucking hell. God, can you imagine imagine that one point in our life we're gonna be there some child is gonna say to us you're gonna die you're gonna die so i'll back also like a terrifying premonition like is that kid psychic what we like got hit by a bus the
Starting point is 00:32:18 next day i didn't even want to say that i didn't even want to say that loud i didn't even want my mind to go there. Oh, God bless. I hope she's okay, Helen. I hope she's still alive. I hope she's still alive. God bless her heart. Also, kids think like old is really old.
Starting point is 00:32:33 Like 80, she could live for another 20 years. She could. She really could and get a badge of honour from the king. Joseph at the moment only knows two numbers because he's two. So he knows he's two and he knows he's been one. So I always ask him like how old he thinks like adults are. And the other day I was like, how old is Nanny? And he was like, um, two.
Starting point is 00:32:54 Because he doesn't know anything else. I'm like, yeah, sure. Imagine, it'd blow his mind if I said she's 60. He'd say she's going to die soon. I feel like Joseph would joseph would be joseph would be that child though he would he would he'll say that oh dear nanny you're gonna die soon yeah that's quite dotty vibes as well she'll fucking write out your bloody will that one anywho who do you want to leave everything to write herself into it
Starting point is 00:33:21 Who do you want to leave everything to? She'll write herself into it. Have you thought about me? Who are you to me? We could be relatives, you know. My name's Dottie. Dottie Byler. Nice to meet you.
Starting point is 00:33:33 Nice to meet you. Oh, crumbs. Let's roll into number two. Oh, all right. This one says, Hello, Safina and Emma. My secret is that my husband and I have decided to have a baby. Oh, my goodness.
Starting point is 00:33:42 We recently got married and have thought about nothing else since. My new cycle started today which hopefully means it will be go time in a couple of weeks but I'm bloody terrified. I'm not terrified
Starting point is 00:33:51 of being a mum. In fact, I can't wait. It's just the many questions like how long will you be trying to conceive? Will I be a good mum? Will my kiddos like me? You know,
Starting point is 00:33:59 thanks, Sophie. Of course your kids will like you. Kiddos, I feel like she's Australian. Kiddos. Kiddos. Doesn't say where she's from. Doesn't say where she's from. Sophie, you. Of course your kids will like you. Kiddos. I feel like she's Australian. Kiddos. Kiddos. Doesn't say where she's from.
Starting point is 00:34:07 Doesn't say where she's from. Sophie, you literally have nothing to be. And I don't want to be that twat. Because when these things do happen and people go, of course they'll love you. They will. It's really condescending. But they will, obviously. Of course they will.
Starting point is 00:34:20 I think you're the best. Sometimes they won't like you. But that's not what Sophie wants to hear. No. She wants the raw honest truth and honestly my only advice if anybody ever trying to have a baby again i don't want to be condescending but the only advice i can personally give if someone was to say to me you gotta try without trying yeah just gotta let it go yeah you basically have to tell yourself you're not bothered yeah because the moment you're waiting for your period your period won't start
Starting point is 00:34:43 and i think sometimes the more you want it yeah it won't happen obviously there's other things there's other things to consider in and you know i understand that people have fertility issues and i'm not degrading or diminishing anybody who is trying to have a baby or trying to be like oh this is all you have to do um because i don't would never want to upset anybody but for me personally it was kind of like just not not try yeah you just gotta go enjoy the moment have a glass of wine relax chill yeah that's easier said than done because i think you do when you want you do get in your head about it and i think like the more obviously the more months that pass yeah and your period comes the more you're like you get
Starting point is 00:35:18 disheartened and you're like oh why is it taking me so long but that's really normal i think they say six months they do six months is the average time to it that's how long it's been with joseph isn't it they is it six months and then the doctors will give some help after a year is it a year sorry i don't know if that's a i don't know if that's a bit of a myth but i've always thought it's a year um but yeah if you can just be chill about it and that is really really hard to say that is really really hard to sit here and say just relax try not just relax because it's it is i feel like sometimes as well the more you're stressed or the more you worry about it the more it your body just doesn't allow it to happen yeah does that make sense my mum's advice is always just like when me and my sister's my mum's always baby she's like
Starting point is 00:36:01 just have more sex yes what my mum says all right just drink a bottle of wine and just have more sex yeah all the time every chance you get i've got a fucking job mom i've got other children i've got things to be doing i'm like barely see my husband we're on shift patterns it's not as easy as that you sit there and you're like crumbs having said that yeah well that's the thing as well because my mom was a young mom so like i think she just got you just had to look at my dad and she got pregnant. But it's been a bit, you know, it's a bit more difficult maybe when you get a bit older.
Starting point is 00:36:28 But yeah, try not to worry about it. Try to enjoy it. And lots of sex. Don't worry about whether you'll be a good mum and whether your kids will like you. Because it would all,
Starting point is 00:36:35 it should all come naturally to you. You'll be fine. Don't look directly at the pizza dick and everything's going to be just fine. Don't look it in the eye. You're, it's really hard as well. I don't want to say that one thing as well being brutally honest i am somebody that did from the from the
Starting point is 00:36:51 get-go but i do know a lot of people that didn't who just didn't naturally have the feeling towards the children when they were first born didn't naturally just be like oh my gosh i love them instantly yeah and i know i've got a lot of friends now mine was just instant you know and i just feel like no no one is wrong and no one is right i just think sometimes it takes a long time and i think again we put pressure on ourselves at the moment you're gonna see your baby you're gonna love them instantly and again society puts pressure on us to be like oh yes this is great and then we're all meant to really enjoy motherhood with colby i didn't enjoy it one little bit. I didn't enjoy it.
Starting point is 00:37:26 I didn't love being a mum. I thought he fucking hated me. I don't think he hates me now. He's in a wonderful age of seven. But do you know what I mean? Like, I just feel like society tells us that we're going to be a great mum and we're going to love them instantly. And it's just not the way it goes.
Starting point is 00:37:40 Not all the time. And your journey is your journey. And it's so different. It's so different to everybody else's. And you just got to do what's good for you yeah and you'll find your way yeah regardless of whether that's day one or day one million you'll find your way i'm not happy sadie's not happy about not finding her way she's not happy about me trying to force feed her a dummy i'm like please take a dummy she's like no mom no, mum, I don't want to suck on that thing. Dip it in the Prosecco.
Starting point is 00:38:06 No, I'm joking. Have I? She's like, I don't want to suck on that thing that's got no milk in it. I'm not interested. Redley hates the Dodies. He'll take it. And then he's like, fuck this. And he can catapult it out of his mouth.
Starting point is 00:38:21 Can he? It's very phenomenal. Unbelievable mouth. Where were we? Where were we, Sadieie we were just giving safe some advice yes you just got enjoy the process yeah enjoy the journey and even trying to conceive a baby is the part of the journey yeah as well as the baby being here as part of the journey and you'll find your way just don't put too much pressure on yourself one to conceive but also to be what society deems a good mum yeah and to have all those perfect moments as well like people say like oh you'll cry as soon as they put the baby in
Starting point is 00:38:52 your arms and all that i didn't i cried because my foofy was hanging out i've ripped colby in front of acme yeah again everybody else's experience is different. I'm just a very, very cryy person. And I cried with all three of mine. Right. Shall we roll into the next one? Yeah. This one says, buckle in, ladies. Oh. Are you ready?
Starting point is 00:39:15 We're locked and loaded on the boob. Not long after giving birth to my first child, I had a very important work meeting. I arrived early and the building hadn't opened yet, so I had to wait in my car. important work meeting. I arrived early and the building hadn't opened yet so I had to wait in my car. While waiting I felt a very sudden and extremely urgent need to poo. I was not familiar with the town and therefore unaware of any nearby places to use the bathroom. With my meeting just minutes away I didn't have time to drive around and find something nor were my bowels prepared to wait. With the building doors still locked I had no choice i oh no i climbed into the back seat oh fuck grabbed a newborn diaper
Starting point is 00:39:48 shimmied out of my tights and took the biggest postpartum poo to date right there in my car the tiny newborn diaper was barely large enough to contain it i've never told a soul not even my husband. Yours in motherhood, anonymous. Yours in motherhood. What a great sign off. What an absolutely iconic woman. An iconic moment. Oh, just the timing of like,
Starting point is 00:40:19 why did that big postpartum poo have to come? And the fact that she just soiled a newborn nappy with the whole of her poo and the size of a newborn nappy as well her poo was front probably front to back the whole thing and what did we just use wipes what'd you do with it after put it in a poo bag was it a magic i mean she's a mum she's got all the all the accessories she probably had wipes imagine how fresh your bum holder felt imagine getting that out especially for that meeting as well how satisfying what a load off your bum a load off your mind a load off your bowels did you leave the poo in the car while you went in for the meeting
Starting point is 00:40:57 i'd say she threw it in the bin wow so many questions so many questions do you get back in touch please do get back in touch and i do get back in touch. And I was, wow. That's amazing. Phenomenal. I can't believe she's never told anybody. Not even her husband. That'd be the first thing I did when I got home. Would you?
Starting point is 00:41:13 Well... I'd probably tell you, maybe not Chris. I feel like you are very open with Chris about poo. Oh, don't tell him about the poo chopping of the glow sticks. To this day, he still doesn't know that you touched them. Even though it's on the podcast. Yeah, he doesn't listen to them. Yeah, he doesn't listen.
Starting point is 00:41:27 He gets enough of my voice every day, doesn't he? Yeah't he he just needs to listen to me an extra hour and a half he's just recently started watching my Instagram stories don't do that he's there anyway I think he wants to see his own feature in there he's living it every day he wants to see his own feature in the background he's had a taste of the publicity after the podcast episode hasn't he
Starting point is 00:41:43 he's gone to his head. He's gone to his head. Addicted to the thing. He's signing autographs in Primark. Honestly, you'll find him there every Tuesday. No, I'm kidding.
Starting point is 00:41:52 Not. I feel really satisfied on her behalf. I feel really satisfied. That is phenomenal. Imagine the satisfaction of getting that out. It's like that massive shit
Starting point is 00:42:00 Joseph did. I was so pleased. And then you trodden it by Stefan. Was it you and Stefan trodden it by stefan it wasn't you and stefan trodden it was just stefan yeah on his sock ruined his nike socks yeah how disappointing but wow that is phenomenal that is amazing thank you for trusting us yeah secret the first people to know trusted us yeah we get 35 000 downloads so there'll be 35 000 people yeah you've shared
Starting point is 00:42:20 it with many more people i hope it's a load off your mind. Share the load. Literally. So thank you for sharing your secrets this week. Everyone is welcome at the... Secret Mum Club. If you'd like to share your secrets with us, you can. The email is hello at secretmumpod.com or with Secret Mum Pod on TikTok and Instagram.
Starting point is 00:42:43 Have you had a back... Have you had a backseat bow movement? Or is your mortality being questioned by a seven-year-old? Let us know. There really is nothing too outrageous. And keep an eye out for our Thursday episodes. And we'll see you next time on the Secret Mump Club.

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