Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Post-Baby Bowel Movement
Episode Date: May 20, 2024The back-to-the-studio excitement continues with our first Monday episode back. Emma shares some incredible news and Sophiena has Renley's first ever secret! Plus, we hear about one mum's experience w...ith homeschooling, there's a post-partum poo celebration, and we learn about a new way to use nappies in an emergency. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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Hello, this is the Secret Mum Club. I'm Safina.
And I'm Emma.
And this podcast is a safe space for mums everywhere.
A safe space to...
Too much Prosecco.
A safe space to share our secrets.
Because we all have secrets, don't we?
And as we know, sharing is caring.
You don't have to tell us who you are.
Yeah, you can keep that to yourself, you can be anonymous.
And those secrets can be serious or silly.
All secrets are welcome in the Secret Mum Club.
We are so in tune because we are in the studio.
We're in the same room.
I feel like this is never going to get old.
No, I know.
I feel like for the next year we'll be like, we're still in the studio.
Everyone's going to be be like shut the fuck up
shut up you've been back for ages you'll be pregnant again by the end of the year
can you imagine gosh imagine doing that all again deja vu would you do it again no would you
never never say never i always used to be like never say never like three is so such a nice
dynamic yeah but you will you told me you wanted three because you're one of three yeah one of
three i'm on the three stefan's one of three you've got three because you're one of three yeah one of three I'm one of three Stefan's one of three you've got three
numbers
you're one of three
numbers are talk
at the town at the moment
numbers are the talk
of the town
after you
your DMs are blowing up
my DMs are blowing
because I actually really love
Sadie's birthday
yeah and you were talking
about Renly's numbers
all my numbers
and Colby's and Dottie's
I've had so many messages
and we had so many comments
on that
people being like
I'm my family
are all the twos
or my family are all the sevens or you know so fucking phenomenal isn't it there's some mad
ones there and stefan was actually slagging me off this week because he i was talking about dates of
births um to my friend and he was like no one cares about that it's like no one reads into this
as deeply as you and i was like hun stefan check my dm okay you need to slide up in my dm base
actually you wouldn't get noticed in the dm so it's that many dm okay you need to slide up in my dm base actually you wouldn't get noticed
in the dm so it's that many yeah exactly sorry you need to back the fuck back up sister go play
golf do you know what started the conversation about numbers station after renly my sister had
her baby this week fuck off yeah oh shit how was it fuck more importantly we didn't even know what
she was having what she had so you know i thought she was having. What she had. So, you know, I thought I was having a boy.
She was having a girl.
You called her having a girl.
Ages ago.
I had a girl.
She's only bloody had a boy.
She's had a little boy.
I was so surprised.
Renny's not happy about that.
He wanted to be the only boy.
He wanted two bitches.
Sorry.
He's still in your limelight. I'm sorry, Renny. Sorry about that. Sorry about that he wanted to be the only boy he wanted two bitches sorry he's stealing your limelight i'm sorry renice sorry about that sorry about their babies oh my goodness and she popped
him out at home in like 20 minutes fuck off i know what an absolute boss we need to get her on
here a birth story she she was like she was just sat eating a curry glass of prosecco fucking he
come out she did she said to me do you take guests on your podcast i've got very interesting birth
story i was like well actually maybe you could come on your podcast i've got very interesting birth story i
was like well actually maybe you could come on we need to look into this now don't we yeah she had
the um pool at home and everything water birth just in the front room where was the other baby
um he was involved no he was with my i think he was with my mom and dad so did we know he was
coming well obviously she was um i think she was four days overdue so like to be
expected yeah um but yeah it just started like i think she said they went out for lunch even and
then she kind of started getting some tightening thought something was happening just started like
laboring at home then the community midwife comes around this was all in the space of like a few
hours she's fully had her baby she pops into the pool 20 minutes later baby's born oh my god what
a woman i know the complete
opposite experience to me as well like planned c-section like it couldn't couldn't be more
different absolutely stunners and what did how was her first birth that was a vaginal birth as well
but in hospital and that was okay and that was good was it a quick one um not no not that quick
just like i think a standard like first labor i also can't believe that Sadie's going to be the only girl.
What about other sissies?
Is she going to have more than two?
Again, she's like, I think she likes the idea of three,
but I think we both now are maybe like...
To be honest, she makes it look fucking easy, doesn't she?
Birthing a baby at high school.
I know.
She's 40 this year, though.
So, but I...
Age doesn't mean anything.
No, you can obviously have babies after 40. Yeah. But I think it probably gets but i know she doesn't mean anything no you can obviously have
babies after 40 yeah but i think it probably gets a bit harder doesn't it i think do you know what
right i actually was thinking about this the other day and i think it only gets harder on your body
the more children you have at an older age so because i had colby at 28 dotty at 30 renly
it's obviously you had at 35.
I think had it been my first baby and I was having in between 35 and 40 and my body hadn't already done it, I don't think I would have struggled as much.
Oh, interesting.
Plus, it's 10 years since my cervix surgery.
So I had a lot of surgery.
So it's 10 years since my surgery.
Also, five years since having a previous baby.
And I just think because i've had children and
everything's kind of gone back but also dropped a little bit yeah i just think it was more painful
that way but i think even if you had a baby older and it's your first baby i don't think you struggle
no and i guess it depends on everything doesn't it depends on your fitness level
and all that jazz yeah but i just find honestly i find it very empowering having a baby later
yeah i think more women than ever having babies over 40 now i just find it really like powerful
but it's just depressing that after 35 you're called a geriatric mum i think the system makes
you think like you're too old to be having a baby i literally got to the point where i was like call
me geriatric one more time i will junk punch you right up on your feet i'm not old i know
i know you are you are you are technically you
are medically geriatric you're one of the older mums yeah but who's having a like 20
well my sister had a baby at 20 my mom had my sister at 20 yeah yeah my sister had and then
i don't know how old roxanne was when she had her last what obviously just work work it back
can't i how old's the so my sister was 30 when she had her last all right so over 10 years she had four kids yeah yeah because so my youngest niece is now eight
she'll be nine this year and my sister's 38 yeah so 20 29 30 yeah yeah that's how you can fit four
in start a bit earlier yeah and there's she was every 18 months she fell pregnant god so she they are 15
13 11 9 do you know what doing it now with two i'm like 11 9 how do people do it with three or
four i don't know again my sister's a false advertisement for children yeah she makes it
look easy and they're easy kids as well and they're always they always look immaculate yeah
because i was under the illusion like my sister if my sister can do it yeah i can do it like she's making it look easy had colby and
i was like okay maybe that was a try again yeah maybe that one just wasn't the right maybe we
should just try again because that one was just bad luck okay yeah we should maybe just
stayed an auntie yeah james awesome we love you dot love love the baby so much it was funny this
one i came in this morning and dots came in the studio and adam said makes so much sense now yeah
now i've met her yeah it makes so much sense yeah he was like she really lived up to expectation
it makes so much sense now it's the first time i've met her as well and honestly she's everything
you get to see her on my phone don't you yeah but i think if you don't follow me but then see her and because obviously
adam listens doesn't he well i've seen her popping in the background of all the home recordings yeah
she likes to make a little cameo but you met her today but it lived up to all my expectations yeah
it was everything i hoped it would be and more and then colby's just like all right i feel like
colby is just colby yeah like he's just again
exactly like i would imagine yeah yeah and i feel like joseph will be the same like i just feel like
yeah just be resting bitch face joseph yeah like yeah he says no to everything at the moment do
you want to do this no do you want to go out to the park no do you want to go on holiday no this
doesn't want to do anything have you have you booked a holiday we're going on holiday in um september so i keep really like talking it up to him and you're on the passport you're getting the
passport done he's well we need to get her passport done but i i feel a bit bad at the
moment i've been trying to take a passport photo but she's in her milk spots era we're really bad
at the moment and i'm like i can't let you have that passport photo for the next five years you're
too you're too crusty oh i thought the brand new ones was only three years i think it's five first five years isn't it well either way it's not fair to
let her have a passport photo at the moment when she's you know she's going through her spotty face
donna just put a bit of foundation a bit of highlight i'm kidding what i did do the other
day was squirt a bit of breast milk on her oh face people say that's really good let's be really good
for your skin i had some breast milk left over in the freezer and i've been doing some breast
milk baths for him. Oh, have you?
Yeah.
And it's working?
Yeah, yeah.
To help his little,
because he had such a sore bottom.
They say it's the biggest medicine for them, isn't it?
Wow.
So we, and also where he's had a little bit of a snotty nose
because again,
I feel like we're waiting for our jabbies
and we're a little bit over.
I've just been syringing a mil of breast milk into his mouth.
It really is like medicine.
And it's like medicine.
It's magic, isn't it?
Yeah.
I do feel like it's cleared up her skin a bit,
but no, I'm waiting on the passport photo for a little bit because i did take some snaps the
other day and i was like i can't do you have to hold her up to a blank wall i just lay her down
on a white sheet this is what i did with joseph as well and then try and like flatten it oh we
can do that can we i did the i've got him like this this is holding him up in the booth yeah
there's my fingers behind his head but yeah he's this got a photo photoshop them out no i think this was one good thing that came out of post
covid was that they were like you can just have your photos taken at home obviously because no
one was getting to a photo booth so yeah you can just do that and it's easy peasy you can just
take it on your iphone and then upload it on the um it's what we do with the babies on the website
yeah sorry darling sorry because your head was in my armpit tell me about your week
to be honest with you
I don't really know
what I've done
no
what have I done
it all blurs into one
doesn't it
when you're at home
well we covered some of it
in the Thursday episode
didn't we
yeah
obviously the biggest
event of the last week
is coming in
coming into the studio
and doing this
this is all I've looked
forward to all week
I know
I've counted down the days
if I'm honest with you
I've absolutely lived
I've been relishing for the day
I've only been on holiday in London haven't you yeah but i had a night stay in london yeah i've done
we've done the z but we did that a couple of weeks ago i think we're just i'm just in my mum
i was gonna say i'm in my mom era i've been in it for seven years i'm in my running era i've been
trying to yeah i've been trying to do my running and doing some home exercising yeah how's it going
it's going you've been out the fucking window you've been smashing it you've been trying to do my running and doing some home exercising. Yeah. How's it going? It's going.
You've been out the fucking window.
I feel like you've been smashing it.
You've been doing loads.
I've been trying to do my best, but it's not.
I just can't get this, the feeling of my ass falling out.
The piss, the shit, the whole lot of exiting my body organs.
I can't believe you're back doing it already.
It's very good for my mind.
If I'm not running, I'm definitely, most definitely getting out for at least to get my steps in yeah because it's it's nice for the brain isn't it it's nice
and it's not like i need a break i don't want people thinking i need a break i don't i just
really enjoy that whole freeness of your mind yeah but when you're just walking it's just you
have nothing else to think about do you i feel like i i loved running more after having joseph
did you yeah because i've i had been running for four years um but after having him it was like a
real nice like just a break to like get out the house not be thinking about baby stuff yeah not
have a baby climbing all over me to just be like i feel free yeah you do feel free yeah but also
fun fact i found about emma is that she's run a marathon yeah because you're gonna try and do it next year are you let's not commit to it on the podcast
i'll do it if you do it i've done it already yeah do another one no i've ticked it off my
bucket list people were like oh you'll do it once and then you'll want to do it like every year
you'll get the bug i was like absolutely not i've done it once and that's enough although i did see
the other night and my brother
and laws actually signed up to it for the moon moonlight walk is that a 26 mile walk at night
time yeah in london i'm actually so sad that he didn't ask me to do it with him i would do a walk
for 26 miles but i'm not running 26 maybe should we sign up for the 22 oh let's do that we can do
it with babies in the pram maybe not, and then they'll sleep the whole time.
They haven't even opened their eyes.
I just find it so empowering.
Like, I just think what incredible, incredible people.
And my brother-in-law just, like, he cried.
I cried.
He cried.
It was just a very emotional thing.
But he just made his 25 miles just look like his fifth mile.
He made it look so.
Really?
He was comfortable?
Yeah, really, really comfortable.
Really proud of him. It's such a good. but i feel like he really tuned in with his mind he's so so incredibly wonderful at just tuning into his own brain i think it's definitely mind
over matter it's a psychological yeah test also psychologically weak so i'm never again you're
pretty fucking hard as nails i'm not i do think like i'm pretty when you see all
the different yeah i'm pretty fucking scary you're pretty scary but when you see all the different
shapes and sizes of people running the marathon you think it's really not a physical someone
carrying a fridge think someone carrying a fridge you always get the people dressed as the rhinos
pregnant lady the press woman's seven months pregnant like seven months pregnant i do believe
anyone can do it fucking it's open for anyone but it is hard
yeah i don't know i don't doubt that and the training is the worst because you're training
through winter on your own going out and doing a long run at the weekend and it's a cold and
rainy miserable january and you're out slogging around for like four hours it's miserable she
sold it do not recommend five out of ten but then when you're there on London Marathon Day,
you're like, this is the best thing ever.
And the feeling at the end.
The sense of achievement is unbelievable.
And do you know what really broke my heart?
Is someone did like a collation.
Collation?
Yeah.
Population.
Correction.
Collection.
Compilation.
Compilation.
Basically just put a video together of all the people
that didn't
make the finish line but just how powerful like their stories were and just in it just that broke
me that did the ones that like the stories of the people that tried yeah and it feels i feel bad
saying you tried you fucking there's still someone that run like 21 miles and he just couldn't get to
the finish and i thought fucking running a mile
in itself
you've won for me
yeah
I can't even
fucking walk a mile
how devastating
to get that close
to the finish
my sister said to me
the other day
you're not running 5k yet
fucking hell hun
I'm only on day 3
of my fucking
couch to 5k
how long does couch to 5k
give you to reach 5k
7 weeks
and I keep looking at it
and I'm like
there ain't no way
I'm going to be able
to run that
you will
without stopping
you will
my arse claps me.
Gives me a round of applause every time I run down the street.
Even if you piss and shit yourself, you will make it.
I know.
I must fucking stink.
I believe I can.
I believe in you.
Not shit myself.
Fucking hell.
But yeah, anywho, been a bit of a quiet week, really.
Yeah.
Not much going on.
I've literally just lived for this moment.
Yeah, me too.
And it's lived up to its expectations. Yeah more yeah it exceeded itself on that note i'm gonna eat the rest of the
right get that maz made us cakes maz made us cakes it's a renly and sadie but the renly didn't
survive so it was hold on no one needed to fucking know that renly survived the whole
she just traveled fucking 10 hours on the train to get here today it was sadie and ren but we'll take it yeah
our little renny he takes away all your heartburn literally does doesn't he
god love him we were comparing their little milk spots they've currently got the same
balding patch sadie and ren um what are we gonna call sadie for short i've started doing
sades and stefan hates it like yeah no i, with Colby, I always did more. Cole Bus.
He's our Cole Bus.
So she's Sadie Baby
in our house.
When Dot sees us,
she's like,
oh, hello Sadie Baby.
No, I do Sadie Baby as well.
But for sure,
I don't know.
One syllable we need,
don't we?
Sadie Baby.
Yeah, we can't.
We still can't go over
that Sadie's going to be
the only girl
in your whole fam.
I know.
Three boy cousins and her.
Yeah.
So I don't know whether she's going to be i know three boy cousins and her yeah so i don't
know whether she's gonna be like sorry you're gonna have don't you bit of asmr you wouldn't
fucking enjoy that ain't no mike she's either gonna be like a tomboy to fit in with the boys
or she'll go like extra girly and princessy don't worry because i'm the only girl when we have you
you've got a great role model is our dot yeah fucking hell you poor thing god imagine she
turns out that dottyottie In for a ride
I feel like you'll just be living
I'm not gonna lie
Dott's is
She's full on
Pure entertainment
We've actually started
We wanna do a book
Of the things that Dottie says
Me too
So like when she's 18
Not for anybody to buy
But just for the things that
To look back
And say one day is
Start keeping a journal
This is all the things
That you said
You crazy
You crazy crazy
I generally am scared For the person that breaks her fucking heart
because she will...
Kill you.
Kill you.
She will find you and she will kill you.
I think she'll have a partner who will be too scared to fucking leave her.
Sorry.
This is from her past mum to her future daughter.
It's partner.
We called it.
You heard it here first.
Emma and I really want to hear
from you
yeah we want you
to join us
in the secret mum club
you're all welcome
you can share
your secrets with us
respond to what
we've been talking about
or just say
hello
you can find us
on TikTok and Instagram
just search for
secret mum pod
or you can email us
hello at
secret mum pod
dot com
we were so in tune then so we're going to
be so in time for this you ready step in time step in time step in time because it's time to hit up
the correspondence corner i did promise we wouldn't be more in tune but we would be more in time
yeah all right one of all guys ready for the first one yeah hit us all right this says hello ladies i wanted to chime in on the homeschool subject oh we were talking about this earlier
weren't we as long as she doesn't slag it off let's see it's such a hard decision and one that
i think many struggle with i am homeschooling my girls who are five and three it was a hard but
also easy decision i know where my kids are all day i know they're safe i know what they're learning
and i know they aren't going to be bullied they're only little ones and I want them to be with me and be protected.
I don't have a degree, but I still have faith I can do it. When you homeschool, there are so many
different programs you can choose from that give you workbooks with a teacher guide. Also, there
are so many homeschool Facebook groups and in-person groups if you need help. I get to adapt
to my children's learning style. They both love dance and swim lessons, so they're getting lots of time with kids their age.
If you feel you want your kids close and you're questioning homeschooling,
I say try it.
From Samantha from Boise, Idaho.
So it's America.
America.
I feel like it's more common in America maybe than it is here.
I don't feel like in the UK it's very common to homeschool.
No.
I don't know anyone that does it.
But it does fascinate me.
That makes me really happy.
Maybe I just need to move to America.
Yeah, move to Boise, Idaho.
There's a Southampton in America.
There's probably Southamptons everywhere.
And a New Hampshire.
Yeah.
Copped all out.
I look on Rightmove.
I do.
I found a lovely house in Texas the other day.
Are you like,
Chris, we're moving to Southampton,
but in America. I found a lovely house in Texas the other day. Are you like, Chris, we're moving to Southampton, but in America.
I found a lovely house in Texas the other day.
Did you?
Yeah.
But they're cheap as well.
It's like fucking four times the size of our bungalow.
Yeah.
And it's half the price.
Yeah.
Get me to Texas, baby.
There's just so much bloody space over there, isn't there?
We're in Texas.
Woo!
All right, Beyonce.
I didn't want to say anything.
But thank you so much.
I really appreciate that.
Thank you.
And that's something for you to think about.
And I'll be seeing you.
Food for thought.
I'll be hitting up Target.
Oh, I love a Target.
I love a Target.
And a Walmart.
Oh, stop.
Please.
All right.
I've got another message here.
It says, hello, ladies.
While listening to the Fufu sideburns episode,
I record my own funny post-caesarean story.
Whilst in the hospital recovering,
I was unable to poop.
As the pains grew worse, I begged for stronger medicine to help things get moving. Then, in the hospital recovering i was unable to poop as the pains grew worse i begged
for stronger medicine to help things get moving then in the middle of the night while my husband
and new baby slept i felt it was go time oh fuck i got myself to the restroom where i proceeded to
let out the loudest fart of my life not just a trumpet but the entire horn section came out of
my bowels into a small echoing bathroom as i sat there relishing in the sweet relief that fart gave me i heard a very light tapping
on the door followed by my nurse excitedly asking if i had finally pooped yeah they're
obsessed with that in hospital aren't they post baby yeah have you weed have you pooed how many
times did you open your bowels how many times have you opened your bowels you opened your bowels and
how was it?
Yeah, they're right up your arsehole, aren't they?
Literally, get in my bumhole.
I was instantly mortified that she could hear it from outside our room.
I finished cleaning myself up and when I walked out,
my amazing nurse was so happy that I had farted and would be able to sleep better.
Lots of love, Deanna from the US.
Oh, God bless you, Deanna.
I literally love that she's called her amazing nurse as well.
I know.
You just don't forget that do you?
Wow.
Did you have a good team?
Outside the room.
Do you know what?
Every individual midwife
that I dealt with
was brilliant.
Yes.
I think I spoke about this
on the podcast before.
Overall they were just short-staffed
and there just weren't enough.
I didn't know if I dreamt
you know I'm in such a delusional state.
I don't know if I dreamt it or if we've spoken about it and also i think we've spoken
about like our birth experiences a lot on the podcast and off the podcast it's hard to know
like what we've actually spoken about hard to know what we cover um but yeah they were they were
yeah they were good but it was just did i tell you about my my catheter came loose and the bag of wee spilled all over the bed but I there wasn't a midwife on
in the room so I just had to sit in my fuck off yeah I had to sit in my pissy bed for about
I'd say it was about 40 minutes yeah and I was just like help I've um and also I didn't know
I was like I didn't know the catheter had come loose because it was under the sheets and I
couldn't move because of my cesarean scar so I was like have I didn't know the catheter had come loose because it was under the sheets and I couldn't move because of my cesarean scar. So I was like, have I just pissed myself
or is that the catheter bag?
And then when the nurse came in,
she was like, oh, your catheter's come loose.
Was she angry at you?
No, no, I just, I didn't have a call bell
like within reach.
So I couldn't call anyone.
So it was only when she next came in
that I was like, hello, have you got five minutes?
I'm covered in piss.
And she changed my sheets and everything.
But that's the kind of thing
that like there just weren't enough people to.
That's really sad.
I'm so sorry. To deal with stuff. I know. But that's not the worst thing that like there just weren't enough people to that's really sad i'm so sorry to deal with stuff i know but that's not the
worst thing that could happen but no it isn't the worst but still not the nicest of experience not
great no oh sorry girl god bless you i've been covered in my own piss before and i'll be covered
in my own piss again yeah so you don't stink though thank you the pissy smells the pissy
smells gone just oh well de, I love that so much.
Yeah, thank you.
That's my kind of girl, that is.
Get down with the trumpet.
Yeah, it really is.
She's looking at you.
She's wide awake now.
She is wide awake.
I just had a bit of milk.
How is her awake time?
Welcome to the party.
You know, I was saying she sleeps all the time.
I told you you fucking jinxed yourself.
Not anymore.
I jinxed myself.
They get to six weeks and they're suddenly party time, isn't it?
Not for Renly.
Renly's a typical man.
Yeah.
Eats,
sleeps,
poos,
shits,
repeats.
Yeah.
That's all he does.
No,
she's awake quite a lot now.
Literally,
Renly's asleep
a lot of the day.
Yeah.
I googled the other day
how much.
We did as well.
How long is normal?
And I think for a newborn
it was like 19 hours
and me and Stefan were like,
she's more like 23.
I was going to say, Raleigh's asleep about
23 hours a day
make the most of it
because now I'm like why won't
you sleep
does she also focus on you now?
yeah she's a little bit cross eyed still but more
Raleigh doesn't focus on us at all
I think he looks around like as if to say can you just
fuck off
can you all shut up?
It's so loud in here.
She's drifting off.
Boring.
Anyhow, I thought I'd just check in.
Nah, fuck this.
I'm out.
I'm off.
So you can get in touch with us on anything at all.
Yeah, it can be serious or silly and you can be totally anonymous.
Because between us, we've probably heard it all before.
And remember, I'm excited for this one.
I'm so excited. Three, two, two one we're all in this together and we know that we are we're all stars and we see that each week we'll be sharing our secrets and yours in the secret mum club
here's my secret of the week is renna's first secret of the week come on you are not ready
the debut the debut it's not really a secret to be honest but it was it's a funny one so we we've
been going back and forth to the doctors because we've still been struggling a little bit with the
pill with the milk and the poo and the whole situation of everything and i'm not gonna lie
to you it's been a tough week i've kept a lot to myself i've been a little bit quiet only because it stresses me out a little bit and in fact i just want to sit here hugging my
baby who i want to be okay you know so we went back for a checkup at the doctors because we still
have a little bit of trouble with the poo okay so we went in checked in sat down i'd walked from
the doctor's surgery i walked from the house up to the doctor's surgery and was sweating my tits off.
So I thought, you know what?
I'm going to strip up, strip off myself.
Then I'm going to get Renly out of the pram
because he's just had a feed
and he's going to be sick on himself
if I don't get him out of the pushchair.
So I got him out, sat there snuggling.
Everyone was like, oh, it's a brand new baby, blah, blah, blah.
So there was me and then a couple of seats down,
there was a lady and her daughter.
So there was two.
Then there was another two in the window.
Then there was three in the middle middle a lady opposite and then another lady
opposite and everyone was just you know like you're in the line yeah i wonder how long they're
gonna be i wonder when my next i just swat all over my muff then um renly took a shit i was
gonna say it's like you or renly that's friendly to be fair
i could have blamed it on the baby could be either the only opportunity i would have got to just
absolutely empty my bowels and um in the clinic so did that and it was the fact that he just was
so i didn't know when to talk or when to excuse his trumpet or his shit
um to which I just went
a luminous red literally probably as pink as this um and everybody just turned I looked at him
and I was like well thank god I'm holding a baby because otherwise this will be awkward
no one laughed the room was drier than my vagina it was fucking awkward as fuck and i just sat there like let's hope they need a poo
sample yeah i just want people not find that funny i don't know i just that's so funny i really wanted
the ground to just open up and swallow at least you had him because honestly if that was me and
yeah i shit myself and then i had a little bit of an awful experience with the doctor um not as bad as this
didn't sit down at least she was fucking funny went into this one another doctor um and she was
like why don't you just ask to see the doctor that you've seen twice before i fucking did i did ask
to see that doctor the laculose one yeah the the one that gave me yeah yeah the one we liked um but
she went into one went into the room she let the door go on me fire door fire door she let
a fire door go on me i was holding really in my arms had all of my stuff in the doona pram and the
yeah and the door just whacked me and i was like oh can you can you grab the can you grab the door
no okay so i had to like push past the pram to open the door to put the pram in and she was just
like yeah sit down then and i was like
great okay went through everything won't talk too much about the appointment because it was just
fucking shit and then she was like anyway you can go um and i was like okay where do i get my
prescription she was like it's been sent to your pharmacy okay what pharmacy is that she went i
don't know it's yours i don't know where he fucking sent my prescription so then told me that there's
no print offs anymore
because who does print offs anymore my last doctor done yeah it's electronic now so then
she was like you can go are you gonna are you gonna get the door yeah no gonna help me on the
way out so i had to do the had to do like leg arm door the pram the door hit the pram the pram hit
the baby in the head the handle of the pram and then as i was coming out the door hit the pram the pram hit the baby in the head the handle of the pram and then as i
was coming out the door hit the baby on the head on the way out and i just got into the reception
and just burst into tears so my baby's just fucking shit and farted in there there's nowhere
to change him and the doctor was just fucking rude and no one helped you no and she was like
are you okay she was like do you need to see a doctor don't try to make out i've got post-natal
depression i'm just fucking having a shit day okay because all they do is when you're sad with the baby no
offense when you're sad with the baby the doctor just goes do you think it's postnatal depression
no i'm just having a fucking really shit day yeah like i think it's more i guess more serious
than it is depression i'm having a fucking shit day the door just hit my baby on the head sounds
like it's shit.
Fucking so shit.
Get me out of there because I've fucking had enough.
So yeah, we had a little bit of a shit experience.
But that was funny in the waiting room.
Literally a shit experience.
Literally no one found it funny.
And I just thought, that's my guy.
You know when you looked at him, I was like.
People need to get a life.
You know, I spoke about joking about my missing child because I've got a double buggy.
Oh, you can't joke.
So was that a, because we had our first shit up the back experience this week through the up through the
baby grow no we're a little enough to we're a little shorter yeah we are like so far but this
week the first um first up the back number which i remember joseph doing a lot i think that's quite
common for breastfed babies i was gonna say we had a lot in the hospital. Yeah. We had big, big poopies in the hospital
but he was on the breast milk.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Quite runny, isn't it?
Yeah.
It is really runny.
Not seedy.
Do you have seedy shits?
Yeah, she did at the start.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, they looked like
they had sesame seeds in them.
But it's more runny
and like clear now.
Yeah.
Ours is seedy.
Ours basically looks
like peanut butter
but yellow.
Oof.
I don't know.
It looks quite nice.
Delish.
I'm sorry you had that experience.
Don't be silly. I recommend making GP surgery. I just feel like I'm having the worst experience with doctors at the moment. yellow oh i don't know it looks great delicious i'm sorry you had that experience and maybe silly
i recommend me i just made a gp so i just feel like i'm having the worst experience with doctors
at the moment you really aren't having much luck no i'm not but you know i'm here for the
shits and gigs i'm having a great time for the shits literally to be fair and he's not bothered
by the whole experience it's more me stressed than him he's very he's not he's not fucking
buffed he doesn't know what's going on he doesn't care that he's shitting 10 times a day he's like
in front of everyone at the gp surgery he doesn't care that you're shitting 10 times a day. In front of everyone at the GP surgery.
He doesn't care that you're fucking fine.
You know when you just wanted somebody with you?
Yeah.
There was a point in my life,
but even just one of the children,
because Colby would have fucking loved it.
Yeah.
Safety in numbers.
Yeah, Colby would have loved that.
He would have probably given her a fist pump.
Yeah.
Like, my guy.
That's my brother.
Yeah, that's my brother.
Dotsie would have stuck up for you as well.
Dotsie would have stuck up for you as well dotsy would
have stuck up for me she would have just been like what are you fucking all looking at yeah
you shit okay yeah you're gonna hold the fucking door open for my mom or what yeah fucking bang
the fucking door on your head love that'd been dot yeah take it with you next time it's the fact
that dotty now it has no filter so what i'm thinking she just says it yeah like we were
waiting for a change because we on the way back i had to
pop into the surgery on the way back from the school run um and the doctor was very surprised
that this wasn't my first child but like the other one when i was like oh anyhow i need to know where
the prescription is because i've got to go on the school run she's like oh so this isn't this isn't
your first child no she was like shit and it's not my first baby yeah so we had to come back and on
the way back dotsy actually did need a poo so i popped into the surgery because i needed to ask because they gave me the prescription but conveniently
didn't put any dosage on the prescription so i didn't know fucking how much to take so i went
had to go back into the surgery and say look didn't tell me how much i need to give him or what i'm
meant to be doing so we were sit there and i said to dotty oh i'll see if we can get you to go to
the toilet so we go to the toilet.
So we went into the toilet
and the lady was like,
yeah, you can use it.
And she went,
yeah, let's go into this toilet
with no changing facilities.
And you know when you're like...
Go on.
She just says, you know,
the things that my mind,
like I said to her,
there's a toilet in the doctor's,
the one with no changing facility.
I said to Dottie,
would you believe
there was no changing facility? So then we obviously went in there, not expecting in the doctor's, the one with no change in facility. I said to Dottie, would you believe there was no change in facility?
So then we obviously went in there,
not expecting,
she just went,
yeah, the toilet with no change in facilities.
And you're like, oh, fuck.
But there we go.
Oh, man.
That's my secret this week.
So we're going to be hearing some of yours
on the,
Emma's on a nappy change,
so I'm solo on this one,
Secret Mum Club.
Secret Mum Club. Secret Mum Club.
There she goes in the background.
This is the Secret Mum Club, the safe space for you to share your secrets.
And we've got three that we're going to be discussing this week i always act surprised like we're going to have more than
three yeah it's always three it's always three i don't know why i say that but anywho let's kick
off with number one all right hello beautiful ladies me and my partner listen to your podcast
every weekend on our drive to pick up my stepchildren that's beautiful in the summer
my two youngest stepchildren seven and six years, spoke to my next door neighbour and asked her how old she was.
She told them she was almost 80.
Wow.
To which the eldest responded,
You're going to die soon.
Oh, no.
Oh, fuck.
At that moment, I felt like I was going to die soon.
Love from Helen.
Kids say the funniest things.
Fucking hell. God, can you imagine imagine that one point in our life we're
gonna be there some child is gonna say to us you're gonna die you're gonna die so i'll back
also like a terrifying premonition like is that kid psychic what we like got hit by a bus the
next day i didn't even want to say that i didn't even want to say that loud i didn't even want my
mind to go there.
Oh, God bless.
I hope she's okay, Helen.
I hope she's still alive.
I hope she's still alive.
God bless her heart.
Also, kids think like old is really old.
Like 80, she could live for another 20 years.
She could.
She really could and get a badge of honour from the king.
Joseph at the moment only knows two numbers because he's two.
So he knows he's two and he knows he's been one.
So I always ask him like how old he thinks like adults are.
And the other day I was like, how old is Nanny?
And he was like, um, two.
Because he doesn't know anything else.
I'm like, yeah, sure.
Imagine, it'd blow his mind if I said she's 60.
He'd say she's going to die soon.
I feel like Joseph would joseph would be
joseph would be that child though he would he would he'll say that oh dear nanny you're
gonna die soon yeah that's quite dotty vibes as well she'll fucking write out your bloody will
that one anywho who do you want to leave everything to write herself into it
Who do you want to leave everything to?
She'll write herself into it.
Have you thought about me?
Who are you to me?
We could be relatives, you know.
My name's Dottie.
Dottie Byler.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, crumbs.
Let's roll into number two.
Oh, all right.
This one says,
Hello, Safina and Emma.
My secret is that my husband and I have decided to have a baby.
Oh, my goodness.
We recently got married
and have thought about nothing else since.
My new cycle started today
which hopefully means
it will be go time
in a couple of weeks
but I'm bloody terrified.
I'm not terrified
of being a mum.
In fact, I can't wait.
It's just the many questions
like how long
will you be trying to conceive?
Will I be a good mum?
Will my kiddos like me?
You know,
thanks, Sophie.
Of course your kids
will like you.
Kiddos,
I feel like she's Australian.
Kiddos. Kiddos. Doesn't say where she's from. Doesn't say where she's from. Sophie, you. Of course your kids will like you. Kiddos. I feel like she's Australian. Kiddos.
Kiddos.
Doesn't say where she's from.
Doesn't say where she's from.
Sophie, you literally have nothing to be.
And I don't want to be that twat.
Because when these things do happen and people go, of course they'll love you.
They will.
It's really condescending.
But they will, obviously.
Of course they will.
I think you're the best.
Sometimes they won't like you.
But that's not what Sophie wants to hear.
No.
She wants the raw honest truth and honestly my only advice if anybody ever trying to have a baby again i don't
want to be condescending but the only advice i can personally give if someone was to say to me
you gotta try without trying yeah just gotta let it go yeah you basically have to tell yourself
you're not bothered yeah because the moment you're waiting for your period your period won't start
and i think sometimes the more you want it yeah it won't happen obviously there's other things there's other things to
consider in and you know i understand that people have fertility issues and i'm not degrading or
diminishing anybody who is trying to have a baby or trying to be like oh this is all you have to do
um because i don't would never want to upset anybody but for me personally it was kind of like
just not not try yeah you just
gotta go enjoy the moment have a glass of wine relax chill yeah that's easier said than done
because i think you do when you want you do get in your head about it and i think like the more
obviously the more months that pass yeah and your period comes the more you're like you get
disheartened and you're like oh why is it taking me so long but that's really normal i think they
say six months they do six months is the average time to it that's how long it's been with joseph isn't it they is it six
months and then the doctors will give some help after a year is it a year sorry i don't know if
that's a i don't know if that's a bit of a myth but i've always thought it's a year um but yeah
if you can just be chill about it and that is really really hard to say that is really really
hard to sit here and say just relax try not just relax because it's it is i feel like sometimes as well the more you're stressed or the
more you worry about it the more it your body just doesn't allow it to happen yeah does that make
sense my mum's advice is always just like when me and my sister's my mum's always baby she's like
just have more sex yes what my mum says all right just drink a bottle of wine and just have more sex yeah all the time every chance you get i've got a
fucking job mom i've got other children i've got things to be doing i'm like barely see my husband
we're on shift patterns it's not as easy as that you sit there and you're like crumbs having said
that yeah well that's the thing as well because my mom was a young mom so like i think she just
got you just had to look at my dad and she got pregnant. But it's been a bit,
you know,
it's a bit more difficult
maybe when you get a bit older.
But yeah,
try not to worry about it.
Try to enjoy it.
And lots of sex.
Don't worry about
whether you'll be a good mum
and whether your kids will like you.
Because it would all,
it should all come naturally to you.
You'll be fine.
Don't look directly at the pizza dick
and everything's going to be just fine.
Don't look it in the eye.
You're,
it's really hard as well.
I don't want to say that one thing as well being brutally honest i am somebody that did from the from the
get-go but i do know a lot of people that didn't who just didn't naturally have the feeling towards
the children when they were first born didn't naturally just be like oh my gosh i love them
instantly yeah and i know i've got a lot of friends now mine was just instant you know and i just feel like no no one is wrong and no one is right i just think sometimes it
takes a long time and i think again we put pressure on ourselves at the moment you're
gonna see your baby you're gonna love them instantly and again society puts pressure on
us to be like oh yes this is great and then we're all meant to really enjoy motherhood
with colby i didn't enjoy it one little bit.
I didn't enjoy it.
I didn't love being a mum.
I thought he fucking hated me.
I don't think he hates me now.
He's in a wonderful age of seven.
But do you know what I mean?
Like, I just feel like society tells us that we're going to be a great mum
and we're going to love them instantly.
And it's just not the way it goes.
Not all the time.
And your journey is your journey.
And it's so different.
It's so different to everybody else's. And you just got to do what's good for you yeah and you'll find your way
yeah regardless of whether that's day one or day one million you'll find your way i'm not happy
sadie's not happy about not finding her way she's not happy about me trying to force feed her a
dummy i'm like please take a dummy she's like no mom no, mum, I don't want to suck on that thing.
Dip it in the Prosecco.
No, I'm joking.
Have I?
She's like, I don't want to suck on that thing that's got no milk in it.
I'm not interested.
Redley hates the Dodies.
He'll take it.
And then he's like, fuck this.
And he can catapult it out of his mouth.
Can he?
It's very phenomenal.
Unbelievable mouth.
Where were we? Where were we, Sadieie we were just giving safe some advice yes you just got enjoy the process
yeah enjoy the journey and even trying to conceive a baby is the part of the journey
yeah as well as the baby being here as part of the journey and you'll find your way just don't
put too much pressure on yourself one to conceive but also to be what society deems a good mum yeah and to have
all those perfect moments as well like people say like oh you'll cry as soon as they put the baby in
your arms and all that i didn't i cried because my foofy was hanging out i've ripped colby in front
of acme yeah again everybody else's experience is different. I'm just a very, very cryy person. And I cried with all three of mine.
Right.
Shall we roll into the next one?
Yeah.
This one says, buckle in, ladies.
Oh.
Are you ready?
We're locked and loaded on the boob.
Not long after giving birth to my first child, I had a very important work meeting.
I arrived early and the building hadn't opened yet, so I had to wait in my car.
important work meeting. I arrived early and the building hadn't opened yet so I had to wait in my car. While waiting I felt a very sudden and extremely urgent need to poo. I was not familiar
with the town and therefore unaware of any nearby places to use the bathroom. With my meeting just
minutes away I didn't have time to drive around and find something nor were my bowels prepared
to wait. With the building doors still locked I had no choice i oh no i climbed into the back seat
oh fuck grabbed a newborn diaper
shimmied out of my tights and took the biggest postpartum poo to date right there in my car
the tiny newborn diaper was barely large enough to contain it i've never told a soul not even
my husband.
Yours in motherhood, anonymous.
Yours in motherhood.
What a great sign off. What an absolutely iconic woman.
An iconic moment.
Oh, just the timing of like,
why did that big postpartum poo have to come?
And the fact that she just soiled a newborn nappy
with the whole of her poo and the size of a newborn nappy as well her poo was front probably
front to back the whole thing and what did we just use wipes what'd you do with it after put
it in a poo bag was it a magic i mean she's a mum she's got all the all the accessories she
probably had wipes imagine how fresh your bum holder felt imagine getting
that out especially for that meeting as well how satisfying what a load off your bum a load off
your mind a load off your bowels did you leave the poo in the car while you went in for the meeting
i'd say she threw it in the bin wow so many questions so many questions do you get back
in touch please do get back in touch and i do get back in touch. And I was, wow.
That's amazing.
Phenomenal.
I can't believe she's never told anybody.
Not even her husband.
That'd be the first thing I did when I got home.
Would you?
Well...
I'd probably tell you, maybe not Chris.
I feel like you are very open with Chris about poo.
Oh, don't tell him about the poo chopping of the glow sticks.
To this day, he still doesn't know that you touched them.
Even though it's on the podcast.
Yeah, he doesn't listen to them.
Yeah, he doesn't listen.
He gets enough of my voice every day, doesn't he? Yeah't he he just needs to listen to me an extra hour and a half
he's just recently started watching my Instagram stories
don't do that
he's there anyway
I think he wants to see his own feature in there
he's living it every day
he wants to see his own feature in the background
he's had a taste of the publicity after the podcast episode hasn't he
he's gone to his head.
He's gone to his head.
Addicted to the thing.
He's signing autographs in Primark.
Honestly,
you'll find him there
every Tuesday.
No, I'm kidding.
Not.
I feel really satisfied
on her behalf.
I feel really satisfied.
That is phenomenal.
Imagine the satisfaction
of getting that out.
It's like that massive shit
Joseph did.
I was so pleased.
And then you trodden it
by Stefan.
Was it you and Stefan trodden it by stefan it wasn't you and stefan
trodden it was just stefan yeah on his sock ruined his nike socks yeah how disappointing
but wow that is phenomenal that is amazing thank you for trusting us yeah secret the first people
to know trusted us yeah we get 35 000 downloads so there'll be 35 000 people yeah you've shared
it with many more people i hope it's a load off your mind.
Share the load.
Literally.
So thank you for sharing your secrets this week.
Everyone is welcome at the... Secret Mum Club.
If you'd like to share your secrets with us, you can.
The email is hello at secretmumpod.com
or with Secret Mum Pod on TikTok and Instagram.
Have you had a back... Have you had a backseat bow movement?
Or is your mortality being questioned by a seven-year-old?
Let us know.
There really is nothing too outrageous.
And keep an eye out for our Thursday episodes.
And we'll see you next time on the Secret Mump Club.