Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The S*** Drawer

Episode Date: August 12, 2024

Ever wondered about the best way to deal with clutter at home? Sophiena has a handy mantra this week to help. Plus, they discuss the joys of stocking up with stationary for a new school year for the Back To School Checklist. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Can trees help us grow more resilient to climate change? At the University of British Columbia, we believe that they can. Dr. Suzanne Simard and her team are connecting our future to nature. Their Mother Tree project could transform how we manage forests, capturing more carbon and safeguarding biodiversity for generations to come. At UBC, our researchers are answering today's most pressing questions. To learn how we're moving the world forward, visit ubc.ca forward happens here. Hello, this is the Secret Mum Club. I'm Safina.

And I'm Emma. And this podcast is a safe space for mums everywhere. A safe space to share our secrets. Because we all have secrets, don't we? We do. And as we know, sharing is caring. You don't even have to tell us who you are. Yep, you can keep that to yourself. You can be anonymous. And all those secrets can be serious or silly.

All secrets are welcome in the... Secret Mum Club! We actually need to film that without just eye-to-eye contact. Without reading it? Yeah, like you'd make each other uncomfortable. We'll do it next time. Like when you look at each other during itchy leg time. When we look at each other.

I don't know, I close my eyes. Close your eyes and think of England. Yeah. I don't want to think of England. Is that what they say? What, while you're having commutations? No, that's like the saying, isn't it? Close your eyes and think of England. Isn't it? Close your eyes and think of England.

Isn't it? Close your eyes and kiss your furry butts goodbye. I'm looking to Adam for confirmation. Adam, do you close your eyes and think of England when you're having itchy legs? I don't think he... That's too much. Yeah. Like, what would you think?

Well, that would be a mojo killer, wouldn't it? Think of England? Try to think of England. Like, oh, labour, toys. For king and country. Oh, the king. William, Harry. I've just triggered a memory.

I think King Charles was in my dream last night. Was he? Yeah. Hello, Charles. I never remember my dreams, though, so I've only got like a snippet. I can't tell you the full story. Anyway, how's your week been?

Peculiar, you're dreaming of Charles. King Charles. Do we have to call him King Charles nowculiar, you're dreaming of Charles. King Charles. Do we have to call him King Charles now or can we just call him Charles? You can just call him Charles, but you can call him King Charles or the King. King Charles III. What was the Queen?

I just called her the Queen. Queen Elizabeth. We never went, oh right, Lizzie. Lizzie. Hello, Lizzie. Her name was Lilibet, wasn't it? It's what her family used to call her. Lilibet.

Lilibet. That's very cute. Which is why Harry and Meghan have called their daughter Lilybet. Have they? I didn't know they had a daughter.

Yeah. They snuck her out. She was the second child so like not, she didn't get as much of a fanfare as them. And what's the first one called? Sebastian.

Archie. Archie. Archie. I'm looking to Adam. He actually doesn't know. I can't believe how big George has got. I know. Isn't he actually doesn't know I can't believe how big George has got I know

isn't he huge his birthday's the day before mine what a lovely little lad they're handsome aren't they those children so handsome

good looking kids so much love to Kate at the moment God bless her up yeah that's so sad isn't it it is

that was awful when it was all in the socials when she was getting hammered in the press yeah like give her some fucking respect for Christ's sake

yeah and I think everyone felt really bad when she came out and said what she'd been going through. So bloody cruel, wasn't it? I'd hate to be that famous, would you? Well, you know, I have to live with that every day. Welcome to my life. No, but all serious. I was like, I really hope she's doing okay. Not that she's going to be listening to our podcast.

She might. She's a mum. She's a mum of three, like you. You've actually got a lot in common we're both royals yeah we're both famous as fuck yeah both funny as hell both got three children beautiful um she's more of a slender i'm more very slender isn't she yeah i hope that that's not a um she was quite she's always been quite a slender lady, hasn't she? Yeah, she's always been really slender.

She gets a lot of hate for that in the press as well. Yeah, I know. I don't know. Can't just say anything nice, can we? What a beautiful woman. If you haven't got anything nice to say... Don't say nothing at all. That's right.

Shove it up your arsehole. That's right, my love. That's right, my loves. And should we be? Are we doing me first? Yeah, should we do you first? All right, let me think about what I've been up to. You baked some fucking delicious cookies today.

Oh, wow. Yeah. I brought my crack cookies in. They were literally our crack. They're my go-to recipe. I thought they were double chuck. They're actually triple chuck. Triple chuck?

They were like this thing. They're massive. They were like a doorstop. Yeah. But they were melting, so they were all gooey. I know. It's been a bit hot, so they were melting a bit. Maybe I should have put them in the fridge. Absolutely divine, they were all gooey i know it's been a bit hot so they were melting a bit maybe i should put them in the fridge absolutely divine they were but they um i was saying i reckon i

could sell them in a shop for about four pound fifty i think six pound fifty per cookie would you pay yeah you pay more than five pounds for a cookie i'd pay 650 for that would you pay 650 colps yeah what colby rated them colby rated them a 20 out of 10 i mean what better feedback is that possibly the best cookie? One billion. One billion. Was it the best cookie you've ever eaten? Yeah.

Yeah. Wow. You can't get better than that, can you? You can't get better than that. So I made those last night. I actually haven't baked for so long. I used to bake a lot, you know. Did you?

But I obviously don't have any time anymore because I've got two babies. Can you do like fancy fondant stuff? No, I can't. Stefan's always like, why do you always watch Bake Off and never make any of the recipes? Because you don't eat the fucking cake,

Stefan. Yeah, he doesn't eat anything that I make. so you've got to eat the whole cake yourself. It's good and bad. It means that I get more to myself,

but also a lot of stuff I make goes to waste because he doesn't eat it. So, it's good and bad. Yeah, it's good and bad. He hasn't got sweet tooth.

No, I like to watch Bake Off for inspiration and never do it. Does he not even just enjoy a little tipple of... No, he's not even not having it because he's trying to be good. He just doesn't have a sweet tooth. Is he a crisp and dip man? Yeah. Oh, give him a share bag of crisps.

It's gone. In fact, it really keeps annoying me that I keep opening big bag of crisps in the house. And I'm like... Yes, Stefan. Please don't eat that whole thing that's not for one person that's not one portion next thing i know i check back in the cupboard it's gone all the crisps have gone it's definitely not a share bag it's not that that big bag is basically just you know what girl put your legs up where am i going with that put your feet

up on the couch and devour the whole fucking bag. The little bags are basically just a starter for me. They're a quick... Inhale them. Yeah. Like the share bag, it's time to sit down and chill. I think the problem is,

is that once it's open... Once you pop, you cannot stop. There's no... You don't know where to stop, do you? You don't know where to stop. You think, oh, I'll just do a quarter of a bag and then you go down past the line and you think, oh, I'll do half a bag

and then you do three quarters and you're like do you know what there's no point leaving that there's no point leaving these crumbs no because when I come back to it I'm going to be disappointed by how much is left so I might as well

just finish it off yeah I do that with big tubs of ice cream as well like Ben and Jerry's I don't eat ice cream what I don't like ice cream

what I like it we just don't I think that's Stefan Sweets is my ice cream yeah I've got no enjoyment out of eating it.

Wow. It doesn't do nothing for me. It doesn't get the people going. I try not to have it in the house all the time because if I do open a Ben & Jerry's, it's gone. We've still got our flump ice cream. I think we've had it in there for about six months. Oh, no.

The baby's saying, you like an ice cream, but you're not really partial to an ice cream. I try not to too much because obviously it's not good for you. But once I do get going, I think I'll have a fifth of a tub. I keep seeing these Ninja Creamies and I'm desperate for one of these Ninja Creamies. Oh, the air fryer that makes ice cream. Is it an air fryer?

It's the air fryer brand. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry. You're an air fryer girl, aren't you? I am an air fryer girl. I don't have my air fryer? It's the air fryer brand. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, sorry. You're an air fryer girl, aren't you? I am an air fryer girl. I don't have my air fryer out at the moment because I'm going for a very minimal look in my kitchen. Right. So I'm just doing the oven.

Right, okay. Oh, you've used your oven? Yeah. Because you were keeping it brand new with all the stickers on for a while, weren't you? The sticker's still on it. Right. I just wipe it down after every use.

Yeah. I do love my oven. Although I had to use the grill the other day for the first time. Good. I don't think I worked it correctly. And now I've chucked the instructions away. Do you not keep them? No.

Oh. Once you know the on off, what else do you need to know? What's in your drawer of shite? Like I've got a drawer of shite. We have no drawer of shite no more. All my instruction manuals. No, that's gone. Oh. I only live in a two bedroom bungal bungalow oh i don't have time for clutter i do a six monthly bin out check out get out fuck it we're done we live in a very minimalist

life get out bin out check out fuck out get the fuck out my house we have no build-up of any crap i love that though because when you move or if you move, you won't have any shit. Nothing. It's only when I go to move house that I'm like, I have got so much shit. Yeah, my mum and dad. That you don't need.

When you go up into like a loft space, my child's in the loft. There is nothing up there. The only thing I'll tell you I do store is the kids. I wonder what you meant then. Is Colby's Bedrooms up there? Is Colby's Bedrooms up there?

Yeah, no, I don't just store it in the loft. It's not Harry Potter's situation. Like La La Crocodile. Have you seen that yet? No. Phenomenal film. You need to watch it. Colby loves it.

It's a brilliant film, isn't it? Yeah. It's a singing crocodile. Lives in the loft? His name's La. Yeah, they hide him in the attic. Oh, right. For a bit until he comes out and then people know who he is.

But yeah, all I store in my loft is Christmas decorations and the baby's books from school that they bring home. Why in the loft? Where else am I going to put them? Well, are they to read? No, the children's exercise books. Oh, workbooks.

Corby's got about 85 now. Are you keeping them all? Yeah, I haven't got the heart to chuck them away. Do you know what? Stefan's mum has kept everything. My mum. Everything he used to play with, all this old like Playmobil.

She's got an old Playmobil castle out for Joseph the other day. Still had like all the bits. Must have been from like 1989. My mum and dad, cutthroat, threw away all, because they moved house

when I was like an adult. They threw away like, we were allowed to keep one box of stuff each yeah everything else in the bin all my school work bin i was allowed to choose but still it all had to fit into one box they were like we're not taking all this shit to the new house so it's all gone all my old teddies gone toys still got everything of ours wow all my teddies to be fair though what are you gonna do with all that old shit give it to your kids? No. Nothing. Just sit in there.

Yeah, then I'll take it back when they pop off. I was going to say depart. Crumbs. Depressive. How would they leave this there? Yeah,

when they... Then what are you going to do with it? I don't know. Probably bin it. Yeah, exactly. But it makes my mum happy that she kept it

all them years. Yeah. You know, if I can keep all my stuff for the babies and then when they get old enough and i give it to them that they choose to chuck it away that's their discretion yeah you know i feel like they're not of a of a mind yet to say whether or not yeah whether or not they would like it or not like it yeah but i've spent many a times looking

back on my old school stuff i do love finding stuff like that i used to find little notes i used to write or my old teddies. Or we had, did you do, when you left school, you made like a yearbook and everyone wrote messages in it. I've still got that and that is hilarious. I've still got my shirt that everyone wrote on. Yeah, I have too. When I left year six,

my school had a 20 year school reunion the other day. 20 years. 20 years. You left the same year as me, didn't you? Yeah, because we're the same age. Because we're 36. But it was for people that left when they were 16, though. And I didn't leave until I was 18.

I left at 15. Yeah. So it's for people that left year 11, because obviously 20 years ago we were 16. Yes. I was not invited. Did you just not get the memo? I think it was all on Facebook. I thought they had to put it out to everybody.

They can't just not invite you. Well, I think it was on Facebook and I'm not really on Facebook. I thought they had to put it out to everybody. They can't just not invite you. Well, I think it was on Facebook and I'm not really on Facebook. No. So I got in touch with my ex-boyfriend who you didn't know I had from school. I said, what's the deal with the school reunion? Send me all the juicy goss. It was basically just a night out.

Do you speak to him regularly or is this like 20 years later? Hello. No. Just so you know, I want to know all the gossip. No, I met up with him in person like fairly recently

when I was pregnant with Sadie. We went for a coffee. So yeah, it's not like just out of the blue. We chat. What in the Lord Jesus mother of Mary and Joseph? You've just fucking dropped that like it's nothing. You went for a drink with your ex-boyfriend while pregnant with your husband's baby.

Yeah, that's not that weird. We're still friends. He's got his own family. Oh, we were very young when we were going out with each other. Right, how young are we talking? 25, 27? No, I broke up with him when I was 19. So it's been a long time.

I think we're both very much over it by now. And you've stayed friends all this time? Stayed friends all this time. So we'll message on like birthdays, Christmas, stuff like that. Just random, random things that like pop up. I do not talk to my boyfriend from when I was 19. No, but it just depends, doesn't it? And I think actually we were, because we were like childhood sweethearts,

like we'd gone to school together, we were friends and everything. There was like more of a foundation there than like some people's boyfriends you know who they only see for like a little while yeah it's actually like a very big part of my growing up and my first boyfriend was from 16 to 19 there you go i don't talk to him right well i wouldn't horses for courses you know like if i see him in the street i'll say Yeah. But I'm a very different person today to who I was back then. Fair. Okay. And I just, I don't know.

Like, is this just, is this normal? Well, let us know if you still speak to your ex. I don't personally think there's a problem with it. Like we were a big part of each other's lives. I wouldn't want to hang out with my exes. They're fucking knobheads. Yeah, but he's a nice guy. Sorry if you're listening.

He's a nice guy. I'm a nice girl. You know? Can't get over me you ain't ever what's the term you ain't ever getting this candy ever ever they probably do listen one of them's wife listens i know that oh wow really look we all ended up with the right partners in the end. Look, I'm not sour about it. I just don't know if it's what's more,

I need to know what's more thingied. What's more common? Yeah, what's more common? I didn't say what one is the right one. There is no right one. Yeah, what's more common?

Because I do think it's weird that like I need to know the ex's story. Because someone's such a big part of your life and then you break up with them and you literally never speak to them again. Yeah, delete everything off social media. Get do think it's weird that like... I need to know the ex's story. Because someone's such a big part of your life and then you break up with them and you literally never speak to them again. Yeah, delete everything off social media.

Get it off. Don't want to see it anymore. Get out of my life. That's weirder to me. Because you've got this like shared history together. Why would you think I live in a bungalow? Clear all that shit out. What was it?

Clear it out. Get out. Check out. Check it. Fuck it. Get it. Get it out. That's how I live my life.

It's the same with instruction manuals and exes. Yeah, get them fucking out. I don't need any of that. I don't need any of that. Get them out. Fuck off. Get it, get it out. That's how I live life. It's the same with instruction manuals and X's. Yeah, get them fucking out. I don't need any of that. I don't need any of that. Get them out of here. Get out. Should we talk about the elephant in the room? Me?

The fact that my baby's not here. Just to say. Sadie is not here today. She is with her daddy. We haven't left her unattended. No. We actually have no babies today, although Renly hasn't been here for quite a while now. You've got one of

your babies. We have Colby. Colby Jack Cheese is here. Colby Jack Cheese is here repping for the fam. Representing.

There has to be one child in at all times. They're like on rotation. Yeah they're on rotation. You might have

Stefan next week. Is Rennes coming back? Yeah Rennes is going to come back. He is very sad today. Why? Just hadennes is going to come back. He is very sad today. Why? Just had a quick update

on the phone. He is very mummy's boy, isn't he? He gets a little bit sad when I'm not there. Oh, does he? So Chris tried to give him porridge this morning

and he's just, he's doing this thing with his tongue at the moment. No. And he pushes his dodo's out, he pushes the spoon out but we're very much struggling with the teeth.

I saw him. They're coming in thick and fast. We've got the two top ones bulging now. And the bottoms? Yeah. I saw him sucking his thumb on your Instagram story

the other day. Was that intentional or accidental? No, he sucks his thumb. He does do it? Yeah, yeah. That's clever. He's trying to,

hands in the mouth constantly. They're coming through thick and fast and these ones here are, they're right on the surface, the four at the bottom but they just haven't cut the gum yet. Four on the bottom?

Yeah, four on the bottom and then two at the top. Oh, he was like, skip two, I'm going to go straight to four. But Colby's did that. Colby's grew literally two at a time. Two came at the bottom,

two at the top, then the next two, then the next two and Colby's flew in. He had a full set of teeth within like three months. And walking by nine months. Yeah.

He was very advanced, wasn't he? He was very advanced. Very developed. Yeah, whereas Dotsie was, no, a little bit, she just cuts teeth really spor developed. Whereas Dotsie was, no, a little bit, she just cuts teeth really sporadically

and Dotsie's, she had like her front two but then got a back, like. Oh, she skipped some. Yeah, like they never came in.

Yeah, normally you get all four at the bottom and four at the top and then your back ones can come in and they have a gap. But she had like two here,

one at the top, like two back ones. They didn't come in order? No, no. How funny. I know, and now now she's got well i said they're her baby teeth though she's got the most beautiful little teeth i'm dreading sadie it's a very hard process to go through when they lose their teeth i'm not gonna lie is it harder than them coming through because that's the worst yeah i think it was harder in the sense of it's obviously very painful their teeth coming out but for them to experience

their first wobbly tooth in their mouth you can just see them like i used to watch colby and he'd be like the tongue yeah like with his tongue i used to love that feeling though of a wobbly tooth didn't you you'd like see how far you could push it without it oh breaking off no i loved it breaking what breaking that yeah like you'd be like that for ages and then suddenly it'd be like oh so satisfying like squeezing a spot or picking a scab no i love all that i don't think i got that i love picking a spot and picking scabs but not not with the teeth no and then for them to look in the mirror and not have any tea i know dotsy really struggled with because she's only lost her bottom two dotsy really struggled she's a bit like it changes their whole face

doesn't it they do smile go through pictures and stuff. It is weird. Colby used to do big smiles, but now he tends to do a closed mouth smile. He does do a closed mouth smile, but he's got the most beautiful teeth. But yeah, it's a whole process, the teeth. A whole new world. So Sadie's a whole new world. A new fantastic point of view.

I was going to say, don't stop me there. No one to tell us No Or where to go Say we're only Dreaming We got quite a lot of, because there was a lot of singing a few episodes ago, we did get quite a lot of shouts for a karaoke episode.

It's coming. So coming to you, a screen near you soon. Coming to you in a studio soon. Soon. Cinema. So I've left her a screen near you soon. Coming to you in a studio soon. Soon. Cinema. So I've left her with Stefan, which is fine. But I am a little bit worried that she's going to reject the nip because this is the longest she'll have been fed on bottles

while I'm away from her. Oh, you don't want her to reject the nip? I don't want her to stop feeding. Also, how are your babies? Are they ready to explode? They're all right for now, actually, because I do go quite a long time overnight without feeding. So they're getting kind of used to having a bit of a longer break now but i've brought my pumps i probably would have to pump before i go home i'm just squeezing them to

get a gauge on how firm they are i just need to make sure they don't leak through my clothes but i think we're good we're good at the moment just flat and saggy mine will be when i finish feeding when they're not full of milk milk um but yeah yeah, I don't want her to not feed because she might just get used to it. It's only like two or three bottles, but I'm scared that she's going to get used to it and then be like, no, I don't want the nip anymore. Normally she's constantly grazing on my nipples, isn't she? Yeah. But not today.

Is this the longest you've left her? This is the first time I've ever left her, actually. The truth is I never left you all through my wild days my magic sisters that was a good misheard lyric

from the other day my mad existence mad existence mad existence yeah so Brenna's and Sadie will be back

they will be back I'm hoping that Brenna's will be back soon yeah he hasn't been in for a while, has he? No, maybe when we're back into the swing of school.

Yeah. And I'll be able to bring him up, which isn't that long now. Which isn't that long away. Are you sad? How's your six weeks going? Tremendous. It's too much.

I don't want to let it go. I've considered, again, buying that caravan and just going. Just leaving? Just leaving. Why don't you just homeschool the kids in the caravan?

I really want to. In a field. In the middle of nowhere. And just explore the world while homeschooling. How phenomenal would that be? Not for me, but it sounds very you. Yeah, very me. So no, it's nearly over,

but it's been a whopper of a one. It's funny, isn't it? Like you look forward, you build it up. It was like this when you were a child as well. build it up in your head it's like oh six weeks it's this huge amount of time off school it's this big thing we're going to do so much in the blink of an eye it's over it literally goes past like a rocket yeah like literally flew past time goes so fast so fast do you think this one's going quicker now that you've got a baby as well so fast yeah life is going really fast now that we have a baby yeah i agree because you

just live like day to day don't you you're just getting through every day and then before you know it you're like oh they're another month older oh they're five months now yeah what the fuck they're nearly half a year old they'll be sitting up soon six months renny's already eating food sadie will be weaning soon it's crazy it's wild truly truly it's wild how are we already nearly six months free do you know what made me emotional? The other day, it was the year anniversary of, no, but finding out we were pregnant. Because I think I found out at the end of July and you must have been similar.

I found out at, yeah, it was the end of July, 31st of July because it was just before Chris went away. The year anniversary of that made me think, wow, a whole year round it's been that we were growing these babies and birthing these babies. And I remember it so clearly. It's wild, isn't it? Oh, it's scary. It's too much. It is. But yeah, that's

life for us at the moment, isn't it? So Emma and I really want to hear from you. Yeah, we want you to join us in the Secret Rum Club. You're all welcome. You can share your secrets with us, respond to what we've been talking about or just say, Hello! You can find us on TikTok and Instagram.

Just search for Secret Mum Pod or you can email us hello at secretmumpod.com I looked you in the eyes as I said that. Hello at secretmumpod.com I should know it off by heart by now. That's raunchy that was, wasn't it? Raunchy.

Was it sexy that I was looking into your eyes? Hello, how are you? Good eye contact. Was it sexy that I was looking into your eyes? Hello, how are you? Good eye contact. Adam doesn't like it when you do this. He doesn't like us whispering freaks now. I don't think he likes us

full stop. He loves us. Who are we getting? Right. Are you ready? Yeah. It's time. For

the full stop, full stop. You tricked me. All right. Right, ready? Correspondence. the false star false star you tricked me alright right ready Correspondence Corner right go again

from the top Correspondence Corner that was the best song we've done for a long while I don't think it was I think that was lame

that was weak so Emma let's have number one okay this one is from sarah hello sarah she says hi ladies my little one is heading up to year two in september i started the back to school shop early this year but i feel like i have no idea what is actually needed i see all the available kits but i don't think she'll be needing a compass anytime soon no what should i have on my back to school list oh my god this is so exciting i actually have already got my school uniform yeah i did it week one of the school holidays so organized what can i say i'm a sucker for it yeah i'm a whore for the new uniform i love

it i can't get enough of it and i did do stationary do you have to buy a school uniform like specific to the school or do you just get like so we got the jumpers but i or sorry just douche my microphone i already buy so midway through the year i buy their jumpers in the next size up okay so i tend to have always a jumper on rolling right so if they then have a spurt in the middle of the year i then have a new jumper and then i just buy the next one up also are they cheaper at certain times of the year? No, they're the same price. They don't make any difference. So I always tend to have a size up.

And then if the jumper's doing okay and it's in good condition, I then just assess it at the end of the holidays. And if it's still doing great, we go back with the old jumpers or we go up to the next size and then I would just order the next size. Does that make sense? Yeah, that's very good thinking. That's something that I would never think to do. They'd get too big for it and then I'd be like,

shit, we haven't got a jumper that fits them. No, I just constantly have it rolling. As soon as he moves up to the next jumper, I then just order another jumper. And same with Dotsie's cardigans. But you can. Our school, actually, Dotsie's very much so, promotes to buy the school uniform from the supermarket rather than having the branded school uniform.

Because they do, when they have their school photos, can offer a branded cardigan or jumper for the children to have on the school day. And like the supermarket, some addresses have a cheaper issue. Yeah. And the cardigans are cheaper at the supermarket. So they do actually advise you to that that is that is okay in an option to do that and they actually do encourage that more you know so i think that's really lovely what about like equipment so equipment wise so we've got dotty who's going into year one and colby that's going into year four colby doesn't even need a compass now in year one he needs nothing they don't even have to take a pencil case. Do you need a pencil case, Colby?

No. No. The school provide a pen and a pencil. That's what they need? Yeah. I don't think it's till year six and secondary school. I don't remember getting all that stuff

until secondary school. Yeah. And I used to do like a really exciting shop in the summer holidays where I'd go and get like, go to WH Smith. Yes. And get like all my new equipment. Pencil square all the stuff you never use protractor

compass i don't even know what a protractor is um i think that's like the semicircle one i thought it was something that you could see the sun with you know telescoping protractor thing sounds fandango doesn't it i think it's a measuring angle something you never use that's probably why you don't know what it is you You'd get a new backpack. You'd get a new pencil case. Oh, I loved all that. Oh, lunchbox. But you don't need it in year two.

No. So I would say with that, I have just on my list, I have the screener form. So obviously as well, screener form is first of all, the cardigan or the jumper, whatever you go with. Dresses. I have gone for, she has two pairs of grey shorts. This is something else right the summer dresses that come in the color dotty has those but she i constantly put shorts underneath them yeah just to protect her dignity a little bit because obviously they're cartwheel

girls so i thought i would buy her the little the rom, you know, the all-in-one gingham romper suit. Hard to go to the toilet, though. She hates being naked on the loo, so we can't, we had to scrap that idea. So they actually have bought out some seriously beautiful girls' shorts. So at Tesco the other day, I picked up a grey play suit

so she can wear her T-shirt underneath and take it off. Or we also have from i think i've got them from next some little paper bag shorts in gray and there are so many so many options so we do have two dresses now we've got three dresses a play suit and two pairs of shorts only because i don't fucking wash my uniform every day i just need to get something new out quick and clean yeah um so yeah we have got a few bits obviously that is excessive excessive uniform i'm just a lazy cow bag who doesn't get around to doing her washing so i like to have options colby on the other hand has two pairs of shorts two trousers five tops that's it tops are they polo shirts polo shirts yeah not shirt shirts no

dotsy's got polo tops this year because I bought her the nice ones. They get wrecked. They cost me so much money and they get wrecked. Yeah. So we've gone for just a polo top with a little frill. So cardigans, polo tops, dresses or shorts and a summer dress option. Yeah. Boys, shorts, trousers, polo tops, jumper.

Lovely. And then we've just gone rucksacks, new lunchboxes. Nice. I have got them pens and stuff to do their homework and stuff with. But not to take into school? No, no, I haven't. Just gone for the basics, a uniform, PE kits. Oh, that's another thing to think about as well.

Shorts and a top. Both of them just wear black shorts. Colby has a, Dotsie's white. Colby has a house colour at his school. But the school provide that for him. Oh, great. Yeah. I used to love summer dress, Susan.

Did you when I was little? I never had them. Oh. My mum wouldn't buy them. What did you wear in the summer? Just my dress and a top. Oh, right. And no tights.

I had a little blue check one. I loved it. No, I don't. I wouldn't say we never had them. My mum wouldn't buy them. She'd say, you've already got uniform. I'm not buying you more. Fair enough. So she used to make the most of what we already had yeah to be fair we live in

england yeah you only got to that's why it was so exciting because you only got to wear a different uniform for maybe like one week of the year and it was right at the break and then you'd be off yeah yeah yeah but yeah that's pretty much it i just stick to uniform bits and i am a recycler if i've got things from last year that work yeah i will just reuse them shoes oh yeah i don't know what the fuck happens to their shoes i swear they get into school and they just go do you know what fuck this i just love them on the roof fuck this shoe we used to get a new pair of school shoes every year and it was when like no sometimes i think maybe just just my mum if they if they lasted well she'd let us go

she'd just say go on in with those ones it was when we used to have like kickers and stuff as well which are like really expensive we've had we've not had a good journey

with kickers no ours have never lasted but they have a guarantee don't they don't know but it used to be cool to have the tag on

didn't it yeah the colour tag the one with the little lip it had a little lip on it didn't it? Yeah. The one with the little lip. It had a little lip on it, didn't it? Oh, it had a green and red. And they also now say on the sides, left and right.

Colby, can you just sit still? I'm watching you out the corner of my eye and it looks like you're a fish out of water. Told you this would be boring. Just flashing up in the air. I did tell him it would be boring, but he wanted to come. So yeah, that's all i can suggest yeah i think that's pretty comprehensive that's quite a lot though isn't it a lot of information there was a lot of information there was a lot i wouldn't worry so much about stationary at this age

personally i think i'd only maybe consider it year six i might start doing it for colby to prepare him for when he goes up to secondary school to potentially look after his pencil case, his pen, his pencil. Yeah. To get him ready for when he goes up to big school because they are going to need that in year seven. So I might do it around year six. But I think year two, stick to uniform, fun lunchbox, little book bag. Yeah.

And that's all you need. That's all you need. That's all you need. But thank you for messaging in. Yeah, thanks, Sarah. We appreciate you, Sarah. Maybe we need to make a back to But thank you for messaging in. Yeah, thanks, Sarah. We appreciate you, Sarah. Maybe we need to make a back-to-school checklist for the mum club. Yeah, good idea.

Everyone can use it then, can't they? Yeah. Everyone can write in, suggest, and we can make a big list together. Yeah. If you have a back-to-school essentials list, please send them in, especially if it's all different ages. We've also had some more artwork coming. Stop it.

Roll the gallery music. Okay. Love that. Do you want me to get them out? Yeah, you've got them over there. I'm going to keep them face down and Adam's also put stuff on them so we can stick them to the... Okay, these artworks have names. They have titles.

The first one is called Skeleton by Charlotte H7. This muff's really close to my face. Just how you like it. I don't know if it's upside down. 3, 2, 1. It's upside down. Oh, I actually don't know. Okay. No, it's not upside down. That's the right way up. It looks like

It looks like a doggy skeleton. Yeah, it's got bones. It's got like paws here. Bones for arms. Paws. I can see through it. This looks like a doggy skeleton. Yeah, it's got bones. It's got like paws here. Bones for arms. Paws. I can see through it. This looks like hip joints. And a dress, a skirt maybe?

Oh no, is that not just the hip joint? Or poo dropping out of the bottom. All right, let's get the explanation from Charlotte's mum. Her mum Julia says, I was quite, this makes sense, I was quite ill with diarrhoea. That's what that must be. And I was admitted into hospital with suspected appendicitis. My children were at my parents who explained to them about the CT scans and x-rays I'll be getting done.

While in hospital, my daughter drew a card for me at school. Oh, it's your body on the x-ray. When I was home, she proudly pulled it out of her school bag and showed me. I was so delighted with it and proud. I put it up on social media and on my shelf in the living room for all to see. It wasn't until a couple of days later my husband said, do you know what she has drawn? I said, yeah, me having an x-ray.

He then revealed that it was, in fact, my skeleton having diarrhoea. That's shit, isn't it? That's shit. Coming out the bottom. To be fair, that's exactly what I thought it was when I looked at it before I knew the backstory. I'd say it's an accurate depiction. That is absolutely adorable, isn't it?

She's got the x-ray as well with the bones. I love how she's got paws. Dog paws. I thought it was a dog. I'm so sorry, Mum. Sorry, Julia. Sorry, Julia. Took me to call you a dog.

I think they're meant to be hands and fingers, but they look like dog paws. They look like dog paws, don't they? She's got the bones and everything. Sorry, Julia. Took me to call you a dog. I think they're meant to be hands and fingers, but they look like dog paws. They look like dog paws, don't they? But she's got the bones and everything. And the poo. No bones in the poo. And I reckon that little bit there that looks like hips might be your appendix.

It's actually quite medically accurate. For a girl. For a seven-year-old. Well done, Charlotte. Thank you. We appreciate you. That's got blue tack on it, ready to go. Ready to go up on the gallery wall.

All right, the next one's called Mermaid from seven-year-old Ellie. I was trying to take a peek then. Okay. I tried to take a peek before. Right. What's this one, Ellie? Mermaid by seven-year-old Ellie. Seven.

Another seven-year-old. Sorry, I didn't catch Ellie's age. Sorry, Ellie. Right. Ready? Yeah. Is it upside down? Yes.

Is it? I think so. Are you peeking already? I saw a glimpse. Yeah. Three, two, one. Yeah, it's upside down. Wow.

Seven? That is actually incredible. I can draw that. I wish I had to draw in there. Look at her fish. She's got fish. She's got seaweed. A little turtle.

She's under the sea. Under the sea. Darling, it's better down where it's wetter. Take it from me. This is actually phenomenal. There's a little crab there. She's got an amazing patterned tail. Emma's got crabs.

This has been drawn for a school art fundraiser. Well, I bloody love that. Would you donate money if you saw that? Yes, 100%. I'd buy that. Sent in by Mummy Jennifer in New York, USA. This has come all the way from New York.

All the way. What? Isn't that incredible? New York. Wow. New York. I'm obsessed with the little turtles.

I know. I can't create a jungle where dreams are made of. There's such incredible detail in that. Well done, Ellie. There's nothing you can't do.

Okay, the next one. Do you think people in New York sing that to themselves? Like every day as can't do. Okay, the next one. Do you think people in New York sing that to themselves? Like every day as they... Like my sister, everyone sings to my sister. Roxanne,

you don't have to put on a red light. And any time I leave the house, I sing, maybe it's because I'm a Londoner. Do you? No. Every time I come to London, I sing,

Waterloo, I would have been a Londoner. Yeah, you've got to do that when you get to Waterloo. Or London Underground, you lazy fucking useless. London Underground. Is that what it says, that song? It says see you next Tuesday.

Does it? Yeah. Wow. Don't question me on my musical ability. I only know the clean version from the radio. Oh. I didn't know that. Oh.

All right, the next one is called oh gosh clues in the title nintendo switch nintendo switch are you ready i'm free how old is he this is by tommy age nine tommy age nine right you ready three two one oh yeah that's a very um wow very very very accurate looks like a nintendo switch colby what do you think yeah that's good isn't it you can tell he thinks it's good can definitely tell what it is he's watching youtube well yeah what's he playing youtube 100 battery it's got 100 battery it's actually 25 to 3 i like someone that rocks with a full battery i love someone that rocks with a full battery. I love someone that rocks with a full battery. Even on light. Okay. Select A.

Oh, wow. The detail. The buttons. The detail is absolutely tremendous here. Spot on. Press A. Okay.

Even got a signal for the Wi-Fi. Wow. Stop it, Tommy. I love it. Tommy, I love it. That's one of Tommy's favourite toys

sent in by his mum, Lucy. Lucy, God bless you. Thank you so much. That is adorable, isn't it? All right, and then it. That's one of Tommy's favourite toys sent in by his mum, Lucy. Lucy, God bless you. Thank you so much. That is adorable, isn't it? All right, and then finally. Yes. This one's called Starry Night, which is actually. Do you know a song about Starry Night?

Starry, starry night. Paint your palace blue and grey. No? No. Oh, go on. Oh, that's mine. Have you got one? I thought that was an actual song.

No, I forgot. Oh, no no it is it is yeah starry night shines so bright mine was better uh starry night though is the name of a yeah famous painting oh okay vincent van gogh picasso colby says vincent van gogh yeah is it vincent van gogh adam confirmed by ben and adam and colby so i've got and colby so i've got high um expectations for this one okay right it's by alfie who is five years old alfie who's five right are you ready yeah i don't know which way it goes alfie. I'm so sorry. Right, ready? In three, two, one.

Is it up the right way? Yes. Wow. That's... This is a joke, isn't it? I think this is a lie. This is by a grown-up. This is a scam. I don't believe it, Alfie.

Five years old. Five? Sent in by his mum, Jessie, who said she actually did the painting. Did she? No. Oh, I like it, Picasso. She says...

Van Gogh. It says it here. I should read ahead. Alf, I like it, Picasso. She says, oh, it's actually... Van Gogh. It says it here. I should read ahead. Alfie has been studying Starry Night by Vincent Van Gogh at school. Sorry about Emma. Sorry about that. Sorry about her.

Very unprofessional. And he wanted to have a turn at painting his version. I hope you guys love it as much as I do. I absolutely adore this. It's better than the original. I hope this is up in the house. That should be up. I would have that up in the house.

Blow it up and put it on the wall. That is phenomenal. It's amazing. Alfie, you smashed that. I love that he's got like two-tone colours. Yeah. What the hell? Two-tone stars.

And what's down the bottom? These are going to be buildings, aren't they? With little windows, you think? Like at night time. They look a bit like gravestones, but I think you're right. We don't take her out very often, Alfie. I'm sorry. They are...

This looks like a tree. Yeah. These look like buildings with the little lights on. And this is the sky with the stars. Stars at night. That is beautiful. Stunning. I love it, Alfie.

Well done. I might even put it up at home, to be honest. Right in the corner. Is it weird to have another child's artwork up in your house? I don't think so. No. Not when it's that good. No.

That might be fucking worth millions in years to? I don't think so. No. Not when it's that good. No. That might be fucking worth millions in years to come. Yeah, sell it. Who knows where Alfie's going to be in all these years. And I'll go, got one of his originals, aged five.

Yeah. I'll be like, thanks, I've got an original and now it's worth millions. Exactly. Exactly that, my love. Well, thank you for all of those.

I can't wait to get them on the wall. Thank you. We're going to get them up and they're going to take pride and place in the SMC Art Gallery. That's such a cute name for it. It's a little art gallery. Gallery. So you can get in touch with us on anything at all.

Yeah, it can be serious or silly and you can be totally anonymous. Between us, we've probably heard it all before. And remember, we're all in this together and we know that we are we're all stars and we see that this is the secret mom club the safe space for us to share our secrets my secret of the week this week is um buckle up because you're in for a treat i don't think you're prepared for what i witnessed or heard in the garden this week obviously we're at home. We're very much deep into the school holidays. The sun has been stunning through the holidays. So there's me indoors with the baby,

trying to sort out the washing, keep the baby happy and keep him cool because it's blazing hot. I thought it was a vivid imagination as to when I heard the word penis. Oh, let me guess who was involved. I said, I heard the word penis. Oh, let me guess who was involved. I said, I heard the word penis and I thought, no, I didn't hear that. To which I then heard as clear as day, you are making my penis hard.

Who said that? That was Colby and Dottie in the garden to which Dottie turned round and shouted at Colby that you're making my penis hard. I've never, I mean, broke my neck running out to the garden with Renly in arms, and I couldn't even talk without laughing, and I was trying to be really serious,

and I said to her, what did you say? And she was just like, just saying that he's making my penis hard and i was like you don't have a penis and she was like well what do i have then and i said you have a foo-foo and she was like well colby's got a penis i said colby has a willy yes the correct term of this is a penis and a vagina but it's just foo-foo and willy to us yeah you know until we're grown up and we're bigger. And I said, why are you shouting that in the garden? She was like, oh, because he hit my really hard penis. And I was like, you don't...

Pardon? We can hear it straight from the horse's mouth here. Oh, he hit it with a bull. What, her foo-foo? Her penis, her hard penis. What does she mean? Her foo-foo. Okay.

The bull hit her in the foo-foo. Why was it hard? I don't know why she was shouting, you're making my penis hard. I don't know. It's the fact that it hit her, but she doesn't have anything there, does she? Other than...

Does she mean it hit my fufu hard? Yes, I think so. I think so. Okay. I'm just so taken aback. It only just happened a couple of days ago, so I'm still absolutely traumatized by it but you know when you're like it's a beautiful day it's the fucking weekend everybody's back doors and windows

were everyone's out in the garden you can hear a pin drop because we live in a cul-de-sac that's in a cul-de-sac in a cul-de-sac in a cul-de-sac people it's full of elderly people you could literally hear a pin drop a serene beautiful day and there's my daughter ah you're making my penis hard that's how they were just absolutely cackling at themselves so i said i think you've got confused one we don't shout penis in the garden two you don't have a willy you have a fufu yeah we don't shout penis we shout dick we don't have a willy you have a fufu yeah we don't shout penis we shout dick we don't we also don't chuck things at each other's private no that's that's the main message there was a

whole lot i had to get through in this very very serious moment but all i did was turn my back and have to walk to the bedroom from laughing so hard and then when i was trying to put my serious face on i was like this and then i started laughing these two started laughing but you can't you can't discipline when you're trying not to we don't shout penis we don't shout penis you don't have willy it's a foo-foo it's a foo-foo and it's not hard where was chris where was dad cobs when you were shouting penis in the garden he was out the car was getting washed oh right fair enough yes so um yeah he's got no hope growing up in that household to be fair i feel like he's just going to grow up to be the most hilarious human what with her and him he's's going to be, oh, I saw a really interesting video the other day about,

basically about birth order and about how oldest children, middle children, and youngest children turn out. And it said youngest children are feral. Feral. Often the comedians of the family

because they've had to like do a lot. But they've absorbed everyone from everything. Exactly. And they've got to do a lot to stand out and get a laugh, basically. Yes.

Attention seekers. Which I thought, not true of me. Basically was written about me. But you, Renly, it's just going to... And it said, like, if you speak to any comedian, they'll be the youngest person in their family. Because they've had to... It's a lot carrying the weight of the family.

I'm not going to lie to you. My back is arched. Everyone expects you to the weight of the family. I'm not going to lie to you. My back is arched. Everyone expects you to be hilarious all the time. I don't. I just, you know, it's just a given. Yeah. I have now been promoted to the funniest family member. Yeah.

Because Richie used to be the funniest. Now it's you. But I've overtaken. I am now. It said middle children just go with the flow. Is that your brother? No. Yes.

Yes, that is very much Richie. It's not really Jotts though, is it? No. She is not. She is not go with the flow is that your brother no yes yes that is very much not really dot so is it no she is not she does not go with the flow kind of gal no what are they saying about the eldest eldest children which tend to be like more responsible or you know rule followers that's colby yeah that's my sister as well he's rolf rolf rolf follower rolf rolf rolf follower thank you Rule follower? Rule follower. Rolf. Rolf. Rule follower. Thank you. Rule follower. God, that's hard to say, isn't it? Yeah. Colby sticks by the book. Yeah.

Dotsie is not laid back. No, that's not really true of my middle sister either. And then obviously us. Great crack. Total hoot. Hilarious. Riot. Accurate.

Carrying the weight of our families. That'll be Renly as well. That is good. So that's my secret of the week. Oh, dots. Oh, dots. And Colbs this good. So that's my secret of the week. Oh, dots. Oh, dots. And Cobes this week.

It was like a double whammy. A double. That's another classic. He was laughing at her and he was like, a penis is hard. What was that? That's another one to write down for your book of dottyisms. Yes.

I am logging them. Write it down. Yeah. Yes, I am going to log them. So now we're going to get into some of yours. We've got three secrets from you we're going to be discussing this week. So Emma, take it away with number one, please. All right, this says, hello, ladies.

Hello. I was listening to you talking about bog brushes, and it reminded me of an incident with my daughter. Oh, crumbs. Not another one. During bath time, she always gets a hold of any shampoo bottles around the edge of the bath, which is fine, but I mistakenly turned my back for a couple of minutes while I grabbed her a clean towel from the cupboard.

I noticed that she went quiet, which always means trouble. I rushed back in to find her casually scrubbing the bath with the toilet brush. Oh, God damn it. On closer inspection, the bath was now... Oh, fucking hell. ...full of small, dark particles.

She said, Mammy, brushing, with a huge grin on her face as if she was doing me a great favour cleaning the bath. Safe to say, I quickly removed her from the bath. Toddlers are like lightning. Lots of love from Rachel. Rachel, I hope you dump that bog brush.

What about the bath, though? Oh, I'm going to dump the bath. Just rip it out. What is it? Get it out, bin it, chuck it, fuck it. Get it out, bin it, chuck it, fuck it. Get it out, bin it, chuck it, fuck it. Yeah, it's get it out. I can't with the poo particles.

Oh, I find that baths are quite like absorbent, like the enamel is quite like absorbent material. Do you know, like sometimes you get a scratch on the bath. Like we've got a couple of from our little toddler bath. Get one of those scrub daddies. Is that what I need? Yeah, scrub daddies. I literally cannot get them off.

Scrub daddy with a bit of pink stuff. Okay. There it comes. Because we have the toddler bath sitting in the big bath and it leaves marks all the time and I can't get them off.

So I'm just thinking those poo particles. Oh, do you not have one of the bath seats? No. The little angel seats? We're in the snuggle. The tub.

Snuggle tub. We just have the little seat inside the big bath. In the big bath. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh God though. I can't be doing

them poo particles. That's why you shouldn't have a bog brush in your house. I hope Rachel got rid of it. Yeah. Chuck it, fuck it. What was there?

Poo particles on it? Yeah, why was there poo particles on it? I don't know, Rachel. There's probably a husband behind this to blame because it's always them, the men that don't

use it properly. Stefan always lets the tissue get stuck to it get it out gross disgusting disgusting I just want to be

not allowed to flush a toilet after you've had a shit disgusting at least she was in the bath and could be cleaned

just bleach it down yeah hose her down I hope she had no poop articles on her hose her down can you imagine

if she just ran it through her hair like the one from the other week with the blonde curls. Yeah. It just doesn't bear thinking about, does it? Too much poo. Listening back to that episode, it actually made me gag. It did make me gag.

It was too much, wasn't it? It was too much. Okay. Let's take it away with number two. All right. This says, hello, lovely ladies. I'm sitting in the kitchen while my babies are still asleep, and I'm so close to crying because our summer holidays are almost over.

Is this from you? Yeah. We live in Scotland and only have one week left. Oh, they must go back earlier. They do go back earlier. It's gone so quickly and this time when school goes back, I start working again after two years. I just want to stay at home with my babies

and collect all the memories. Why does going back to work feel like I'm never going to see my babies? Love you guys from Lorna. Lorna, it's fucking, I'm right there with you girl she's my sister from another mister that one i i don't know i don't know how we do it the the send back is so hard i cry i cry every fucking year it's so horrible it just you feel so guilty i feel really bad i'm saying this to um on the way in this morning is that you just feel so torn by the fact that you're just putting your child in this school with not their mum or dad with 30 or in the classroom 30 children but god knows how many

are in the school yeah and then with the teacher like you just think gosh how scared are they yeah even though they're okay we know they're okay but you just feel so guilty and so selfish yeah don't you yeah just because they're not with you as well it feels horrible and going back to work yeah after two years a massive adjustment in itself to have that with going back after summer holidays it's a big double whammy that is a that's an emotional double whammy yeah i hope you've got a day to yourself before you go back to work. Yeah. Do you know what I mean?

Like the children go back to school. You've got a day to yourself. Yeah. And then you adjust and then you go back to work. Because it's, yeah, going back to work is a real hard one. Like we've just started looking at childcare options for when I go back to my radio job and we have to have childcare for Joseph and Sadie. She's going to be like nine months old, which is how old we put Joseph into nursery. But I just find it so hard to be like most mums and dads these days probably

have to work and have children. I don't know. I don't know if you're lucky enough, maybe you can afford to stay at home, but it's such a tie because you're like, you want to go back to work. You maybe need to start earning money again. And you want to go back and like get a bit of yourself back and like have a bit of your old life but there's this constant pull of like are they all right should i be with my baby would i be better off at home would they be happier with me sometimes it's just not financially better there was one lady i spoke to you once who just said it's not even financially better beneficial for me if anything i'm at a loss yeah but it's more so she did it just for her for your mental health yeah yeah and your career progression as well because every year that you take out of the workplace you're falling further

and further behind in terms of like salary or even just remembering how to do your job i feel like i'm fucked i don't know where i would go when you know i always say when this ends like my social media yeah my social media. Yeah. My social media ends. Hopefully the podcast will keep going. Oh, that's going to go forever. We'll be here like 85.

With our grandkids. But no, if anything, you know, I always say that you're only relevant for a short amount of time on social media. And I always plan for when we don't do it anymore. But there may be a chance that I go back to like a normal job yeah i say normal job like i feel like this is a normal this is a job job job but like a more mainstream job but this is like yeah this is like a very wonderful yeah wonderful job like it doesn't seem like it's realistic yeah this is my job but it is my job our job um but yeah i always think where would i where would i go because i'm so out of sorts now yeah i don't know when the last time was that i because before

doing this i worked for my dad yeah in an office yeah like what if you had to like work for like a boss weird wouldn't it yeah and you'd be constantly thinking i should be at home with the baby the shorns are pissing me off. Tired. So tired. Yeah. I wake up at 4.30 every day though. Why? I don't know. Because it's light.

Great crack. I've got shit to do. I've got shit to do. I can't believe you actually get out of bed. Do you know what blows my mind? When I see your Instagram stories and it'll be like posted six hours ago and I'm like,

six hours ago was four o'clock in the morning. What were you doing? Having a cup of tea. Honestly, you're up honestly you're having breakfast making lunch yeah having a wild time oh my god but no i am you're her feelings are so valid oh yeah um but you do have to look after yourself yeah but the you are not the only one that sits out there and cries i sit in there i'll sob in the car oh mama cries, doesn't she? I do get sad. But I do tell the children that I'm sad

because as much as they're sad leaving me, I'm sad leaving them. As much as they're sad leaving me, I'm sad leaving them. But yeah, I wish you all the best for your first day back at work. I hope the babies go back brilliant. And just remember, they're going to love it. And it's so good. So good to get first day back at work. I hope the babies go back brilliant and just remember they're going to love it and it's so good. So good

to get out and go to work. It's good for you to go to work and it's good for them to be back at school with their friends. I wish we could all just stay at home though all day. Yeah, not do anything. Imagine. It'd be so fucking delicious, wouldn't it? Oh my gosh. Right, should we go in for the last one? Alright, this one is from Sophie.

It says, Hi, ladies. The first weekend of the summer holidays, my partner, our three children, eight, seven and six. Wow. They're close together. Three years in a row they had a baby. Wow, she was pregnant for nearly...

She was pregnant for four years, five years. Wow. Wow. What a woman. Our three children and I joined some family members who went to a local park for a picnic and a game of rounders. Lovely. My daughter, six, came up to me and said,

Mummy, I need the toilet. Now, we love a nature wee. When you've got to go, then go. Emma loves you, loves a nature wee? Yeah, I'm with you there. So I directed her behind a tree, gave her a baby wipe, and off she went. A few hours went by.

Oh, right. Sorry. Fucking hell, she was in the bush for a few hours. I was like, I can't believe they left her in there went a few hours went by oh right sorry fucking hell she was in the bush for a few hours i was like i can't believe they left her in there for a few hours it doesn't take that long to do a wee separate part of the story a few hours went by and my son needed the toilet but wanted daddy to come along so they went to the tree when they got there my partner noticed the biggest shit behind the tree my daughter didn't need a wee as I believed. She had a giant poo in a crowded park.

What a girl. Go on my girl. She curled out a massive shit in the park. But I love how she just went and did it. No fuss, no fanfare. Took a wipe. Did she leave the wipe? I need to know if she left the wipe on the poo. I would have just covered it over like a little bed for the poo. Night night.

Have a lovely time in the park. Yeah. I do this all the time when I go on for walks. I generally assess dog poo as to whether it's dog poo or human poo. I think you can tell.

I think you can tell. Yeah. I've definitely passed many human poops. Agree. Sometimes you see one and you think, hmm. It's when you see

they're about horrible videos of people that just shit in the lift and they like shake their leg and it comes out the bottom of the trousers. Do you remember, i think we've spoken about the viral one in the supermarket before where the women just pulls their pants down lays one out in the aisle and walks off oh my god what in the that is too much it's too much when you gotta go you gotta go i

mean you gotta release the beast this is why we should have better public toilet provision well there is ones in tesco so yeah but they don't have them they don't have them in all like um shops do they supermarket do you know recently i think costa started locking their toilet unless you're a customer yep but we do it all the time when you go to a coffee shop and you you're waiting for your order people are always constantly using the toilet in and out yeah coffee shops do that um a lot because only customers should use the toilet that's the thing i miss the most about being pregnant. You could walk in anywhere and be like, can I use your toilet?

I'm going to piss myself. I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant. I love how she just went and did it with no fuss though. She was like, all right, mum, I'll be back. Went pooing, shit in a tree and just went off and played in the park. Literally shit in a tree.

What a legend. What a legend. I wish I could just shit in a tree. Be a little bit uncomfortable. What's the age at which that becomes unacceptable? Like I think for a six year old, probably fine. I think people will look at you if you start shitting in a tree feel a little bit uncomfortable what's the age at which that becomes unacceptable like i think for a six-year-old probably fine i think people will look at you if you start shitting in a tree when i'm 36 yeah in broad daylight i think people will i did do that one on my run once you shit in a tree when you're on a run yeah i've talked about it on the podcast it's the only um

wild poo i've ever done and i was caught short on a long run but it was very secluded okay yeah she's done it in the middle of a park yeah she's in the middle of a park I need you on Hyde Park what is she at she's at Hyde Park your challenge should you choose to accept it is a poo in a Hyde Park poo in the middle of Hyde Park three o'clock in the day three o'clock in the afternoon I think I could do itclock in the afternoon. I think I could do it. I'm quite quick, so I think I could do it really discreetly. Just pop one out. Magic poo. No wiping.

Off you go. I have phantom poos all the time. Do you? Yeah. Always have a phantom poo. That means you don't need to wipe? Yeah. Oh, I call it a magic poo.

Oh, we call it a phantom. Like it never happened. Phantom. Like it just came out and you didn't even... They're so satisfying, aren't they? So good. So good. I think there's something about breastfeeding, because I remember this from Joseph as well.

When I'm breastfeeding, it's like all magic poos. It's amazing. It must do something. You're in science. Must do. Again, here we are. Yeah. Talking about shit.

Thanks for bringing it back round to poo for us, Sophie. Our natural habitat. Thank you for sharing your secrets this week. Everyone is welcome in the Secret Mum Club. And if you want to share your secrets with us you can. The email is hello at secretmumpod.com or with Secret Mum Pod on TikTok and Instagram. Have your little one shit

in a tree? Or do you have suggestions for our back to school checklist? Let us know. There really is nothing too outrageous. Keep an eye out for our Thursday episode. And we'll see you next time on the Secret Mum Club.